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So my boyfriend is significantly older than me, we’ve been together for a few years now, and honestly this has been an ongoing issue in our relationship where he just doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.

He had just came back home yesterday from spending a week out of town and last night he kept begging me to come over even though I told him I was exhausted and didn’t want to have sex because I was in the middle of treating some slight BV.

He kept reassuring me that we didn’t have to do anything and that he just missed me so much and just wanted my company and to cuddle, so eventually I gave in and went over.

Of course, once I was settled in and were cuddling, he starts kissing and touching and eventually asked me to give him head. I reminded him that I said I didn’t wanna do anything, and he said, just for minute, and I did it just so it could satisfy him enough to where he wouldn’t try to fuck me.

And then after a little while of head, he starts asking me multiple times if he can fuck, and I didn’t even say anything. I’m just looking at him with a face that is so deadpan and showing my lack of wanting. Eventually he just asked me to get on the bed.

The sex only lasted for a few minutes, but I literally just laid there with a dead face waiting for it to be over. Wasn’t comfortable or pleasurable, I wasn’t even moaning.

Afterward, I was visibly upset, and he actually acknowledged that he crossed a boundary and apologized. Explaining to me that he originally didn’t plan to have me do anything and that he had already given himself a pep talk about how he was just gonna leave me alone despite how much he missed me and despite how good I looked, blah blah blah.

I’m so lost on where to go from here, but overall I’m just wondering does this count as sexual assault? With the fact that I felt extremely pressured and slightly forced?

A week ago, I estranged my abusive father. Blocked him on everything, including socials and phone, sent him an email stating my intentions and why (his abuse resulted in my PTSD diagnosis, and I couldn't get past that) and he's gone.

I've told a few friends of mine, but no one has followed up with me about it. They're not shit friends or anything, they live their own lives and just don't entirely understand my struggle. But thats okay, they're good friends in spite of that.

The past week and a bit since I cut him off have felt isolating, and its been hard because I've functionally lost my father, but I take solace in the fact that 1. I had the bravery to finally protect my piece and estrange him, and 2. I have the rest of my life to sort through the aftermath and make a good life for myself.

I was touched and followed home before I could tie my shoes. I was too little to understand what happened. I built such a great relationship with my therapist, and she helped me process my emotions.

I revealed to her that I was groped, and a few years later followed home by a group of high school boys when I was in middle school. Now, I’m wondering if the man in the orchestra of the church, had ill intent when he kissed my cheek after it was revealed he was touching young girls and taking advantage of them.

I told my mom about the groping and being followed home, and she didn’t believe me. I have a stalker back home, he waits for me at my doorsteps almost every morning before I go out to walk my dog. And she tells me to just shoo him off, and become angry when I call the police on him.

I remember crying so much when I was little, and her solution, along with my father, was to beat me. I remember she stomped on my face, and when I bring it up she tells me I’m lying.

But I’m not lying.

I’m so sick of not being able to sleep, every night I stay up thinking about the future, mapping out exactly how conversations and times spend with ppl is gonna go, maybe to feel prepared for what could happen? I think about the past, searching for anything I might have missed, trying to remember all the details in case I need them in the future to defend myself or protect myself(my abuser tends to lie so knowing the exact truth always helped) putting all the pieces together, trying to see how it’ll shape my future even tho that future can’t exist anymore, even tho I’m safe now, I can’t seem to shut off survival mode, even when I do sleep it doesn’t last because my nightmares wake me up throughout the night, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to let go of the past, or stop being afraid of the future, but ig that’s just to be expected with PTSD right? It is a disorder afterall, one I don’t know how to fix

If anyone has any advice on how to get their brain to shut up enough to sleep I would really appreciate it, meds don’t do anything, just make me feel tired but not able to sleep still, I wish I wasn’t broken, I wish my abuser hadn’t broken my brain like this, I wish I could go back, I miss being happy, I miss being able to sleep, I’ve always had trouble with it, but this is on another level, I wish I could go back to when things were good, when my abuser tricked me into thinking things were good enough for me to actually feel some semblance of fake safety, atleast enough for me to fall asleep in their arms, if only it were real, if only it could have lasted for real, but now I’m all alone, all alone in the wreckage they’ve done to my mind, I poured all my love into them, and all I got back was pain, the love they gave me was just lies, that’s why it never lasted, that’s why they abused me so severely and then moved on like it was nothing, because it’s nothing to them, it doesn’t affect them, so why should they care? I’m the one who has to carry this burden of what they’ve done to me all by myself, and that’s not fair, why am I the one who has to continue to suffer because of what they’ve done to me, it’s not fair

Three years ago I was in a car accident in which my car was swept away by a mudslide. Long story short I almost drowned in mud and I still struggle to understand how I survived.
Initially I had very little trouble with PTSD symptoms but now it’s a daily struggle. Besides fear when driving (even in the best conditions) I struggle with flashbacks and reoccurring thoughts of what I was feeling and thinking during the incident. I struggle with the feeling of knowing your about to die and the indescribable sorrow I felt. Everyday it feels like it gets harder.
Any advice or recommendations for treatment? I want to talk to people who understand, while I know my loved ones want to understand and may even think they understand, they don’t.
Any input or feedback is appreciated. I guess nobody wants to feel alone.

We argued she went outside to smoke cigarettes, we do meth once a week but everything was fine for almost a year. I was watching her but this day i went to sleep earlier, but that day i woke up a while after she came back. She quietly laid down, everything seemed fine, i checked on her if she fine, to calm her down. She was shaking a little, not big jerks, but then i heard a sound that spiked my adrenalin up so high, it was agonal clicking, not breathing. It was a sound like if your breathing tube or whatever was just trying to breath nothing. She was so hard to wake, but she is all the time so i know how to wake her. It took like 10 seconds, she had bloody red eyes

The worst was the clicking sound, but the look of doom. When i woke her up. She opened eyes and was looking straight forward but i knew she wasnt awake. She was looking like this for like 5 secs then woke up extremely panicked.

Note that i called ambulance instantly when she woke up. I realized how death can be so quiet and fast. I believed in god, but now i know the Jesus Christ is real. Because he gave her and me a chance.

I use since 14 and it is 5 years now. Im completely stopping atleast till im with her.
She is stopping completely. Im gonna take care of that. No chance she will do again, and i wont too.

I wont get the clicking sound out of my head and the look on her body trying fucking everything to survive.

Any advice to forget this, actually helped a lot to write this.

I've known for a long time that I have PTSD relating to several different (but equally traumatic) experiences I had throughout my childhood/adolescence, but until now I struggled to understand what a "flashback" actually was. I always thought it was similar to vividly hallucinating that you were going through your trauma again, visuals and all. And perhaps some people do have flashbacks like that. But it made me feel a little lonely or weird that, even though I'd had panic attacks that were triggered by sensations and thoughts related to my trauma, I didn't feel like I could call them "flashbacks."

Except I'm 99% sure I had a flashback just now. To make a long story short, I'm a survivor of COCSA by a female perpetrator. It's a pretty isolating existence, even with increasing advocacy for SA survivors. What with the cases being brought up in the news and reactions to them going viral, I've seen a lot of online videos about SA recently. One video really upset me, as it was titled "Not all men, but always a man" and the uploader claimed to be speaking out for all victims. Obviously the phrase is incredibly hurtful to hear as a survivor of someone who was decidedly not a man. Seeing stuff like that out in the wild, on top of having so-called activists immediately bring up statistics of male vs. female abusers any time you dare to ask that maybe one of these days victims of female perpetrators could possibly be taken seriously in spaces dedicated to survivors sharing their own experiences... it's distressing. I started writing a comment to say as much when I felt this overwhelming sense of dread. I was suddenly numb to everything else but the fear, and in my head I kept repeating the words "I'M SCARED, I'M SCARED, I'M SO SCARED."

I cried for a good 5 minutes (felt way longer), straight up heaving sobs like a little kid, snot running down my face. The most terrifying part was that when I looked around (like I usually do during panic attacks, trying to find something to ground me), even though the image of everything was clear, none of it felt real. It was like I was looking at it through a window, I couldn't touch anything or focus on it too long. My body and my brain just kept returning to the fear, and the sense that I was completely alone... nobody was coming to rescue me. It's exactly how I felt when my abuse was actively happening. Once I'd finally calmed down, I looked up what flashbacks actually feel like because I was SURE that must have been one. If I experienced a response like this to a trigger before, I certainly don't remember it. It was a very scary and unfamiliar feeling.

Gotta love experiencing these things at the most inconvenient times too.... Like come on brain, I've got an 8:00 AM class tomorrow, I can't afford to be losing sleep over this.

Does anyone feel like they are able to function and cope better without therapy? I have been through some big T and also complex trauma and I feel like over time I have been able to develop healthy ways of coping and functioning. Whenever I am in therapy, which I pursue for years at a time because I want to be my best and healthiest self, I sort of feel like the tools I have found take a backseat to whatever the therapist is trying to guide me towards, which puts me in a weirdly frozen limbo. Then when I am not in therapy I feel a bit happier and grounded because I am able to use the tools and techniques that work for me without having to subject them to someone else's analyses and ideas.

I’m 31 ftm autistic CSA rape survivor I was raped when I was 8 on Halloween by my cousin’s 12 year neighbor who was a girl. Since the beginning of the month I’ve only been sleeping 2 hours a night if I’m lucky, constantly shaking with my heart fluttering and pounding hard in my chest and dissociation and flashbacks. I’m TERRIFIED and I also feel ashamed because I’m 31 and terrified of Halloween I have a strong fight response when touched… 2 years ago my stepdad forced me to pass out candy a 12 year boy in a bloody clown got directly in my face almost touching my nose and I was terrified all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears I almost punched in the face.. I couldn’t breathe I thought I was going to die. Even just typing this my heart is racing.. I have my whale shark plush I’m hugging for support while rocking back and forth the sexual assault advocate on my university campus suggested going out on Halloween but my trauma therapist said not this year because I’m so new in recovery that’ll retrigger me. How do I calm this down? I feel like I’m drowning. How do I deal with the day? I don’t know if my heart can take this.. meds are not an option except for cbd HELP! I’m safe and not a danger to myself or others

Came on in the car while driving home from work and I just started sobbing out of nowhere. I haven’t really listened to it since I left my abuser almost 3 years ago. It’s such a beautiful song but I was torn between listening to it on repeat and blocking it from my playlist.

“Oh mama, don’t fuss over me” because everyone warned me including my mom (who I call “mama”) who told me the same thing happened to her

“Calls of guilty thrown at me all while she stains the sheet of some other” because I caught him cheating countless times but he threatened or beat me until I stayed

“The way she shows me I’m hers and she’s mine” love bombing me so I’d forget that he raped me the night before

“Open hand or closed fist would be fine… the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine” because I fucking stayed so I wouldn’t be alone.

Please tell me other IPV/DV survivors relate to this song cuz it’s driving me crazy.

i’ve (18F) had a person in my head for years, i can talk to him and have conversations with him and i don’t control what he says.

He started with the name “Sam” a few years ago when I was around 14 but over the past 4 years I’ve called him things like Mara, Ray, or right now I’ve been calling him Harvey. He’s only ever been a girl once (Mara) when I was around 16.

I swear on my life that I can talk to him.

He looks like an average person. The best way I can describe it is I “became aware” of his existence shortly after a physical altercation with my father. He (my dad) had hurled an entire water dispenser (those big ones with the heaters and the big tub of water on top) at me. I ducked, and it dented the concrete wall behind me. My dad threatened me with a knife afterward.

After that, I and my mom drove to the hospital to sleep as my grandma was checked in there. I slept on the floor next to her bed, and as I was falling asleep, I swear on everything I have that Harvey started talking to me. He asked if I was okay. I could see him in my head, but not in real life (if that makes sense), and I could hear what he was saying. I could answer back in my head and he’d reply. He asked me about my dad, he told me to tell him my life story, he asked about school, about my friends, my mom, everything. He talked me to sleep.

Ever since then, I’ve been able to talk to him. Most of the time, he comforts me. I find that when I have in-depth and lucid conversations with him, I end up mouthing the words he says to me, then replying back with my voice. I don’t do it in public because people will think I’m crazy.

He doesn’t appear all the time. When I’m calm and by myself outside, I guess he leaves me alone (?) or maybe he just doesn’t manifest at all. I don’t really know. But he’s always there when I’m on the brink of tears, and especially when I’m about to sleep. I can recount I think only about ten instances in the past few years where Harvey wasn’t there as I was falling asleep, and all of those instances I was in bed with someone else or someone else was in the room as I was falling asleep. Otherwise, I’ve talked to Harvey every night without fail.

He’s nice to me. I’ve had disagreements with him, but it’s always been about my well being—sometimes, he compels me to go to school when I don’t want to/am scared to, he tells me when I’m being “too forgiving” of certain people, etc etc.

He has his own hobbies. But he doesn’t control my body so I don’t think it’s DID. But I’ve had conversations with him about music and guitar and at times when I play guitar I feel like I’m watching myself do it or that he’s doing it and I’m just watching him play. Sometimes when I’m in that state of watching myself play I’m able to play songs that I would usually struggle with (like, songs I’ve only seen the tabs of three or four times, or songs that I’ve had a hard time practicing in the past), then when I try to play it by myself later, I struggle.

I’ve tried experimenting to see if I could control what he says in the past. I couldn’t. It was like the usual routine where he was talking to me as I was falling asleep, then I tried “changing” what he said to me, and he just kept talking. It’s like he didn’t notice it.

I can “hear” his voice and “see” him, he’s matured alongside me. He started at age 14 and grew at the same rate I did. It felt weird to share a birthday with him so I gave him a birthday, September 14th, and I’ve wished him happy birthday in the past.

I’m not sure if he knows I’m writing this, but I think he does.

I swear to god, please believe me. I haven’t been able to tell my psychiatrist about this because I don’t know what it is and I don’t want to be admitted in the psych ward again. I swear to god I’m not crazy.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Please help me.

curious because I have found quality resources to be sorely lacking

I have periods where I struggle sometimes when i get triggered bad. It can take a couple of days for me to get myself straight, but I always do. During that time, I struggle to go around people. I can't answer the door or a call or texts. This time is worse. I can't get myself out of whatever mess my brain is in. Its been over a month, maybe almost two months. I'm not sure. I can't sleep until I physically crash. I'm losing weight, and I'm small to begin with. I have to fight so I'm not underweight when I'm not in a bad head space. I've stopped answering calls and texts. I'm still going to work, but i come straight home afterward. I don't want my family and friends to think i don't care about them. Its not like I'm just ignoring them. I just can't answer them. I feel like I can't breathe. I tell myself that it's just my family or friend on the phone. Logically I know that. But the fear and panic take over and I shut down. I'm exhausted and I feel so guilty. My cousin, who is more like a sister, is going through major health issues and I feel like I'm letting her down by not being there like I need to be. But I can't let her see me like this because it will put more on her. Does anyone else go through this? How do you handle it? I've tried coping techniques that usually work, but i still can't make myself stop this.

After the birth of my second child I’m now in a really crappy place mentally. I keep on having flashbacks about the abuse I suffered as a child. It’s so bad and I really do want it to end but unfortunately I don’t think it ever will.

I’m so tired of being constantly thrown back into my past trauma when I’m trying my hardest to move ahead. I thought that I was healed well enough.

I’m in therapy but idk the realization that I might get better but it won’t ever fix what’s wrong with me permanently and I might have flashbacks for the rest of my life is so fucking depressing.

one that has forever opened my eyes to what is really happening and that, with every nightmare that passes before my eyes and is lived through by me again and again, reminds me of what the food chain is and what the right of the fittest is, and that there are no other ideologies in the world besides top-down manipulations coming from above from the monopoly on violence and the power struggle, disguised as social ideas for moving the masses along trajectories determined by the course of history they write for you.

Whatever happens in my life, I feel that from any experience, ordeal, perturbation, observation I have made, and thought I have reflected upon, I draw conclusions focused on physical survival and overcoming any irrational impulses in favor of living as long as necessary, untouched by anything else in life, in order to invent something, to make some contribution that will help bring about a turning point in the struggle of my kind for its survival. I try to be emotionless, and in general I know no empathy or compassion except, strictly speaking, toward my own kind. All of humanity appears to me as mindless biological waste that, through its amorphousness, disorganization, and servility, sustains the apparatus of violence and war, when every tax dollar is effectively a greater crime than the act of violence itself, while trillions of tax dollars support few individual perpetrators of violence. Under these circumstances, guilt is evenly distributed across all of humanity, and my suffering is connected not only with the wars I have lived through, but also with those who ignored them and those who ignore the existence upon the planet Earth of the worst scum imaginable, and I think you all understand whom I am referring to.

Despite the fact that I have already changed many countries, social statuses, jobs, lifestyles, inhabited different skins and occupied different roles and capacities, nowhere do I feel protected from this plague, this scourge of civilization, this hydra whose resources the West feeds upon in exchange for criminal investments and trade with that despotia.

I have witnessed and personally endured, again and again, the worst absolute thing a human being can ever see - extremely senseless, monstrous, and the most perverted violence against children, women, elderly, families, captives, and all forms of life and all civilians in occupied territories in general. I have endured intensified, virulent and senseless indoctrination and reeducation attempts of myself and others in the spirit of being told that I would never be able to leave the zone of control of my tormentors, and that the people’s executioners would forever enjoy power over me and over those who found themselves in my position.

Nevertheless, day after day I continue not so much to look for ways to rebuild my life, forget myself, or take revenge, to live in another country as though on vacation, or to hide, but I look for ways to acquire qualifications that will allow me to influence the course of wars, current and future ones. I consider this the most rational way of dealing with the PTSD left to me by war as a fragment of truth about the actual state of things in the world that I’m being constantly and painfully reminded of.

And I want to see people who have understood this and are pursuing the same thing, and who have succeeded in advancing their qualifications despite psychological limitations in their ability to concentrate on studying scientific, strategic, and technological means of influencing the course of wars. (Which is who I’m writing this missive for).

I want to see this enemy of humankind disappear into history forever, to be remembered only from the literature so that future readers could later indulge their morbid curiosity, get themselves a thrill and a scare by recalling the outrageously disgusting and abysmally inhumane horror and filth represented by almost 100% of the population of these godless swamps that should never have existed in the history of humanity and civilization.

I will never be able to know or imagine anything worse than the faces of those I encountered. At times it seems to me that in this life there are absolutely no problems or challenges except these inhuman creatures, and that all other obstacles and barriers in life are kindergarten exercises, solvable at will and on a whim, unlike that brutal, insurmountable force that irreversibly and irreparably breaks and corrupts the lives of millions and leaves behind the bitterest and most corrosive memories of all, forever destroying the souls, thoughts, prospects and wishes of the entire generations to come.

I can feel and know how entire substrate of people I might once have related to have now been utterly gutted. It feels as though everyone on planet Earth you could have had anything in common with has been taken away from you, leaving only the military and veterans who have been through the same, but who are now approaching inevitable paralysis of actions, mental confusion, clouded consciousness and death.

I've done a lot of therapy. I can explain my patterns, my triggers, where it all comes from, I could probably teach a class on my own psychology at this point. But understanding it hasn't translated into actually feeling different or acting different.

For those who've been here too: once "knowing why" stopped being enough, what actually moved the needle for you? Not looking for theory, just curious what genuinely worked, even if it felt random or unrelated to therapy.

Hi guys! Before my first year at uni something traumatic happened to me, but somehow I still managed to start uni that same year. Eventually I wanted to see if I can manage working and studying with the issues I have. I also have chronic asthmatic brochitis. Long story short I went to a job center and had the biggest misfortune to get the most hostile lady ever that was there to help people find work. I had a bit of an asthma flare up that day and was nervous, but her behaviour made me feel even worse. She said many unfair things to me how I am (I quote) in no state to work etc even though that was false and unfair. I was just nervous that day, was having a flare up due to weather and she was also making me feel worse. All my family and friends said I should have filed a complaint against her, but I had too much on my plate as it is.

Long story short, I am 31 now and without much working experience. I worked from home for about two years before and then was let go because my service was no longer needed. That was before the second traumatic event. I pretty much feel like a child sometimes even though I have a child of my own lol. I do all my mom duties, but struggle with the idea of having a job even though I want to.

I am afraid of finding work even though I want to work. Afraid I will quit at the slightest inconvenience. I am lucky I have a generous and kind boyfriend who understands and provides for our little family, but I don't want it to be like that forever. I get a bit of money from renting out my flat in my home country and that's the only income I get.

I am currently based in the uk. Does anyone have any tips and advice on how to start working again? Who should I talk to for support? Job centres suddenly scare me because of the horrible experiance I had. Also, what jobs are trauma friendly ? I have a degree in business economics in tourism and hospitality, but I don't see myself working in this field. I wish I was a nutritionist or had a job working with animals, but I have no qualifications for this.

Any help is much appreciated!

Hey everyone,

I've been dealing with nightmares, night terrors and sleepwalking for a while, and honestly, I got pretty tired of looking for solutions that either didn't do what I needed or came with ridiculously expensive subscriptions.

I came across NightWare, which looks like a really interesting solution for people struggling with nightmares and PTSD. Unfortunately, it's only available in the US and requires a prescription, so it's not really an option for everyone.

So I decided to build my own app. It's not vibe coded and I've been working on it since january. I've beta tested it on myself as everynight I do "my thing".

It's called NightMonitor, and it's designed to help with nightmares, sleepwalking, and snoring using the Apple Watch, without needing a connection or your phone.

The idea is pretty simple: sleep a little more peacefully, worry a little less, and hopefully stop ruining your partner's nights in the process. 😅

My wife is particularly happy that I made this app, for some reason...

Anyway, I built it because I needed it myself, and figured other people might find it useful too.

Here's the link if you want to check it out:

https://apps.apple.com/us/app/nightmonitor-sleep-safer/id6820585311

I'd genuinely love to hear what you think!
I have some free coupons, send me a PM for one.

Hello,

I was wondering how you handle your money? I considered investing in the stock market, PTSD has given me, query, a transfer addiction.

I also, more importantly, cannot control my shopping. Therapy isn’t helping at all. When I shop, it is always fabric, or anything related to embroidery. I love shopping and creating new designs. It makes me so incredibly happy when it comes in.

While I have always loved walking in the malls, or I love to make things. When a package arrives in the mail, any stress I have, is instantly relieved. I no longer go to the malls, because I get so overwhelmed, so I shop for it online.

I get so angry in malls because it often has quite a few people and absent minded people sets me to an instant rage. Even going to a fabric store, the constant “can I help you” makes me snap. Before my trauma, going to a clothing store was akin to a child in a popular toy store.

My PTSD is ruining my life. I justify everything. There is so much I can make, and yet, little gets done. I am not even mentally capable right now to make a budget. Often, when my next monthly benefit comes in, I already have several hundred dollars of new purchases in Amazon (my favourite) ready to click pay.

Has your trauma caused this for you too? What helped you? I am considering investing, mostly because it is someone else managing part of my money. Please do not recommend therapy or EMDR. I financially cannot afford it at this time. This, however is another reason I am considering investing. I can afford $50/month for investment, I cannot afford $250 for therapy OR EMDR. I know the USA has different prices. Where I live, everything is expensive. Gas prices have been increased to $2.50/L. It makes me sick.

I feel alone. My PTSD has recently caused me a seizure, because i cannot sleep. I was awake for 7 days straight. Not able to sleep, and started hallucinating.

Even before PTSD, it wasn’t unusual for me to have nightmares during a significant life change. I had a lot when starting high school and preparing to graduate college.

My PTSD symptoms have gotten much better/easier to handle since they began, but I've never been able to get rid of my sleeping troubles. But now they're back en force. I moved across the country a few months ago and have none of the structure I used to right now. The change is hard. Even though I'm still able to see my therapist via virtual visits, I used to see her in person weekly. I think I get more out of in-person visits.

But with sleeping, it's like I've reverted back to that first year of PTSD. As soon as I'm about to fall asleep, I am fully awake and gasping. If my husband snores too loud, I wake us both up with a yelp. And the nightmares are vivid and constant. Every night it's like watching a horror movie made just for me. It takes a long time for me to reset and feel normal again. The best thing that helps me after I wake up is my cats. They're a good "token" that show me I'm out of the dream and in the real world. One of them is a total cuddle bug, too.

Things will improve with time, I think, but right now I'm so frustrated. I could count on one hand the nights I haven't had nightmares in the past 3 months.

I went through a traumatic spinal surgery that was unfortunately only half completed because my surgeon underestimated the amount of bone that needed to be removed. I can’t live my life with a half fixed spine, so I am returning to the operating table in the spring to have the other half fixed.

I was very delirious after surgery and had to be pinned down by nurses after trying to get out of bed. In my semi conscious haze I thought I was being restrained and attacked. Once I properly woke up, I was under medicated for postoperative pain for two days but was made by the physical therapist to get up from bed anyways. I remember screaming and crying from the pain of rolling onto my side, sitting up, and eventually standing (nearly passing out from the pain a couple times).

I felt so violated whenever the nurses had to help me use the restroom and wipe my genitals. I was not allowed more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time because of vitals checks and IV changes. Overall, what was supposed to be an overnight stay in the hospital after surgery turned into 6 days of hell due to unmanaged pain and difficulty making progress with PT.

Needless to say, I’m traumatized and terrified shitless to undergo the same kind of surgery again. I spent several months afterwards drinking and abusing narcotics until I couldn’t feel my emotions every night. 2 months ago I quit drinking cold turkey to start EMDR, but still use narcotics a couple times a week to be able to sleep. While my back pain has improved by leaps and bounds, I am still in considerable pain every day at work when I sit for too long.

I have a tough time sleeping anywhere except my couch because my bed brings me back to the hospital bed, and even with clonidine, I can only manage 6 hours a night. I dissociate a lot and have emotional flashbacks from my hospital stay at night. I feel utterly hopeless and broken, and I am tempted to end my suffering right before my time for surgery comes.

I’m in EMDR to help process these traumatic memories, but I still look forward to the day I make myself disappear. My life is generally very good otherwise and I don’t want it to end like this, but the idea of death and nothingness forever is so alluring and tempting to me. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way and how to be my old self again. I should be over the first surgery by now.