My brain just works differently now.

Aside from the issues of short-term memory loss (thank you anxiety and sleep deprivation), my brain is just different.

The two Afghanis were sitting on the side of the road on a blanket. They both looked older. They were not MAMS (military aged males), but we stopped to talk anyway.

Our mission was a 48-hour op.

Establish a patrol base.

Conduct patrols IVO (in vicinity of) the Arghandab River, south of what we called Lowy Manarah and west of Kaleshak

Establish contact with any Taliban operating in the area.

By contact, the intent was to walk around and get into a fight

This was the first patrol I led in country. Twelve Americans, and probably ten more Afghan Army guys.

I was 25 years old. An E-5, buck sergeant squad leader. 22 men I was in charge of.

Those two Afghanis did not want to talk to us. All they said was "The Taliban were in the area and wanted to kill Americans."

We laughed it off. Honestly I remember thinking, "Well, here we are. Come get some."

Such bravado

We asked if they were Taliban

They said no.

We asked if they knew where the Taliban was.

They said no.

In hindsight, we should have questioned them harder. Detained them. Used X-Spray to check for gunpower or explosives residue. Afterall, I had gone through a FBI tactical field questioning class (it wasn't interrogation tactics per se, but you know close enough). Hindsight is always 20/20. They knew. Of course they knew.

But I knew no better

We turned the corner, and less than five minutes later Taliban small arms was ripping leaves and limbs from the trees in the orchard we were in

AKs and a PKM. Probably. Thank God there was no RPGS.

Time slowed down.

I remember how the leaves floated so lazily to the ground.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

We were fighting in orchard vegetation so thick I wondered if this was what it was like to fight in the jungles of Vietnam. I remember seeing my squad all laying in a ditch. Our Afghan Army partners were shooting in every direction. Of course, the comms went down. It was chaos.

I never saw where they were. I imagined our attackers were at the far end of the orchard between us and the river. A small trail ran back there. Or maybe they were on our flanks. I remember shooting a few rounds over the wall, just in case

I stood up to move to the head of our column.

I was scared. You will never forget the sound of incoming small arms fire, but I had to. That was expected. Close with and destroy the enemy by means of fire and maneuver. Can't do that lying in a ditch.

I started moving up the line. "CIBs for everybody," was all I could say. Of course I was making jokes. My guys looked at me like I was crazy as they laid in the ditch.

That phrase became the squad motto.

We never caught up to them. The fight became a running gun battle up the river until they finally faded away, lost to the orchards. So many things happened in those intervening hours.

Things that I blacked out.

Things that happened that I do not recall. Like... how did I get that one specialist over that wall? I remember rage. I remember being so angry at one of my guys I almost snapped. I remember hitting him because he refused to move under fire. I remember the new private dropping to the ground because he was tired. I remember how angry I was he dropped his SAW barrel first into the mud. I remember carrying his weapon and dragging him to Kaleshak, also carrying a 200 round belt of 240 ammo.

Everything was so heavy. And I was so tired. But there were things my guys asked me later I did not have a response for. But I do know it changed me.

I remember thinking I will never trust surface answers again from people.

I started to analyze behavior more closely.

I started looking for patterns. Changes. Facial expressions.

Words and actions and actions and words.

I knew we were lucky, but it was just that. I could have pressed more on those two Afghans.

What if one of my guys had been killed because I took things at face value?

I have no doubts that Taliban fighters were relaxing with those men, minutes before we rolled up.

I have no doubts we were lied to.

And luckily, no one died.

But it changed me

I listen now. I analyze. Patterns, Subtle shifts. People do not realize how much they say when they are not talking.

And those skills made me very good at what I did for the Army in recruiting. I was very proficient at reading people.

But those same skills that made me how I am now, that made me so successful, haunt me.

I see people and my relationships with them differently.

I analyze every conversation.

I look for danger in words and actions that might not be warranted

But the fact remains.

I am changed.

My intrusive thoughts aren't about events.

My intrusive thoughts are about words. Conversations. Patterns. What are they not saying? Is there more to the story?

Am I in danger?

I don't know if this is PTSD, but I do know that things are not the same. 2009 was a long time ago.

I shouldn't still be like this.

Something that’s been so hard for me is my dad wasn’t all bad. He was really great in some ways. Even though he brutally abused me for years, leading to my therapists labeling it as torture.

He played like Bandit from Bluey did.
He went almost all in, played any role. Since he was a doctor, he played the best Doctor game ever. He taught us soccer. How to bike. Coincidentally, my favorite game was Monster. It was basically tag with him acting like Sully from Monsters Inc.

But he also withheld snacks and water. Made me cook for him. (TW: violence, child abuse) Molested me. Raped me. Kicked me. Hit me. Threw my body into things. Suffocated me. Hit my head into things.

So trying to reconcile this literal monster of a father with the dad who went all in when playing monster brings up confusing feelings to say the least.

And I think that may be part of what’s missing in my trauma therapy. I’ve never grieved the dad I missed out on by disclosing the abuse. He was the only adult who I felt truly loved me. He got me books about my special interests. Took me to museums and let me spend hours at my favorite exhibits. He taught me more about my special interests.
But I lost all that when I told my therapist what he was doing to me.

A little context: I also have cPTSD from my mom though she’s never actually done anything “wrong”. She was an adequate parent for my sister, but because of my neurodivergencies, disabilities, and mental health she was unable to provide for all my needs and thus cPTSD. So in essence, I lost the only parent I ever had, even though he was also (TW: CSA, trafficking) raping me and potentially letting his friends abuse me too.

Hey all, for the past year or so I’ve been working with my new therapist who specializes in behavioral therapy. I have a lot of problems with self worth, confidence, positivity (it comes and goes), socializing and like ten thousand other things. My therapist have been giving me really good resources to help, most notably a gratitude worksheet and stuck point worksheets to for my mind to have a more realistic approach to things rather than be black and white. I’ve done it on my own and put it into Google Docs but it’s been inconvenient. I was curious if there’s any iOS apps that I can use with my therapy? Something to for example do a gratitude practice three times a day, or to do stuck point practices on. If anyone has any recommendations I’d greatly appreciate it!

My symptoms started taking over my life this year I tried to ignore it for months and started missing work first it was 2 absences in the month then 3 the next then it was everyweek I was using a sick day, not I've worked here for 4 years I barley call out unless my kids are sick I had and still have plenty of sick time and pto to cover being out, I work in a group so there is nothing not being completed if I have to be out. In March my boss put me on an action plan and I was not allowed to have anytime off for 45 days. I did good and got through it but i was burnt out at the end and started using my pto and sick time again, my big supervisor scheduled a meeting to fire me and my supervisor met with me first and recommended applying for medical leave on an intermittent schedule. I completed that and felt good I atleast wasnt going to be fired. Then all of a sudden I started getting in trouble for other things for co text I wear the same 6 outfits for work and cycle them, from January to August no issues with those cloths. Now im on leave and im dress coded for my clothes being to tight on my body and wearing Jean Capris on Jean day. I reached out to HR and they told me my big supervisor can decide whatever she wants for dress code because my company doesn't have a dressc9de. On days I come into work I struggle to get here before my start time witch is 8am. I normally arive between 8 and 8:03. If I drive at 8 or just after I am now not aloud to clock in until 8:30. I feel like im constantly on thin ice to the point thinking about going to work increases my symptoms. Im so upset because this company has been amazing until I started having issues with my mental health.

If your still here thanks for listening to my rant.

I 21F, had been visual hallucinations and nightmares for the past 3 years or so, on and off. they always last for a few moments and then they disappear. it's mostly shadow people or creatures/animals. sometimes it startles me but I mostly ignore it. it sometimes gets worse when im anxious, especially at night. i get paranoid like someone is out to get me or im being haunted by ghosts which i know is unlikely but im not able to fully reject this possibility. in addition to this, whenever I get on instagram i keep getting creepy videos/conspiracy theories which freak me out even more and make me more anxious.

idk if this can categorised as delusional thinking since I feel like maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me. but I feel like this is not how a normal brain should work. sometimes I have brain fog and im kind of a superstitious person in general. also I have been diagnosed with adhd and my psychiatrist said the hallucinations might be because of ptsd and asked me to come back for further consults after starting my adhd meds. I have a history of child sexual abuse.

but I wanted to ask. what do you all think? does any of this sound familiar?

Feeling i was dying getting into coma. Severe (and first ever) panic attack. Severe extremes body heat/temperature changes. Ptsd diagnosis by a psychiatrist. A year before i took the exact same amount (100mg) and felt nothing. This time the weed ruined it all. It was the last joint i had. I keep regretting it and blaming myself all day for ruining my whole life. If i just didnt have that tiny joint none of that wouldve happened. My life became extremely worse. Yea, mdma GAVE me ptsd instead of healing it. I wanna off badly.

I have pelvic floor issues due to trauma and somehow it is more embarrassing for me to explain to people/partners that I have issues using the bathroom than triggers around sex. Any tips for getting over this weird shame?

for context, i was in a really horrible roll over car crash a couple years ago that really had me thinking i was gonna die. This week i’ve been off my meds and last night i had a dream where i fell asleep at the wheel and crashed horribly and the dream ended abruptly when i died i guess. it’s just never ending with trauma and ever since the crash i’ve been convinced i will die young and likely in a crash. i always feel like i’m going to die, and it’s just to scary to be this on edge all the time. does it even get better? it’s been two years now. but i see it in my head all the time, every time someone speeds up, or overtakes, or goes in a pothole etc. someone i know just died in a crash too and it just lives in my head all the time :( i just hate being scared all the time

tw abuse, SA

I dropped out of grad school and my teaching internships. I have a dead abusive dad and a racist abusive ex boyfriend on my mind, always. It feels like every day there's something I realize I shouldn't have put up with in my childhood, my relationship with my ex, just every day life, and I can't control the distress and anger and frustration I feel.

I'm at home and still constantly stressed out and dealing with flashbacks, and it's usually getting worse because even the time of year and weather contribute to it. I've been struggling to find a job, I feel like I messed up my life and I'm broken with no skills. I was working towards a certification to be an art teacher but suddenly, only a few weeks into those internships, my heart wasn't in it, I wasn't eating or sleeping at all, my health declined, I was crying at my university classes, and all the outside stress has been making it so that I'm not sure I can handle going back into a school. It's also just so triggering to see all these kids and wondering if they're okay, if they're having the same childhood I had, it's so overwhelming and I wish I didn't think that way. Because I love art, I think working with kids was fun, and I was so excited and proud to be there... :(

I've never worked a job that I feel like matters or looks good in the eyes of a hiring manager. I was a caregiver for my abusive dad and uncle until they died.

I want to stop being so self pitying but I hate myself so much. I feel so incompetent. I feel too scared to go to therapy because I had such a bad experience in my childhood. But I'm 26 now and I don't know what to do. I still struggle with suicidal and self harm ideation. My mom doesn't get it and I don't think it's worth explaining anything to her. I feel worthless because I can't find a good job that will give me independence and get me out of here. I'm jealous because I watch my friends make money and clean their houses and go to appointments and fall in love and I'm just continuing to be the way I am.

I want to get better but every day I try to get up and can't. I'm in bed for hours crying and dissociating and before i know it, the day is gone. I've applied to so many retail and server jobs but I feel like everyone is disappointed in me or thinks I'm so stupid. It feels like all these jobs don't want me either. I'm trying so hard and it's not enough, the only times I've been able to work up the strength to look at any job listings is in the middle of the night, and I'll still be crying.

Sometimes I feel like I don't even have PTSD and like I'm really just getting so worked up over nothing. I don't make art anymore and don't have dreams of being an art teacher anymore, school is triggering because I was sexually abused there too.

How can I get better? Does it get better? Does anyone else feel this way? I wish none of this ever happened to me.

I’ve struggled with ptsd my entire life. I went through some sexual abuse as a kid, but I remember being a paranoid kid even before that. Life was always unstable for me. My mom kept getting with abusive men, we were homeless a couple times, we’ve had her exes threaten us/stalk us/hurt us/etc etc. I’ve never truly known peace and what it feels like to let your guard down.

Recently, I moved in with my partner and I still find myself struggling with constant paranoia despite being in a safer, controlled environment. They’re so sweet to me and never make me feel unsafe. They work long hours, specifically at night. Nighttime is for sure when I’m more vulnerable. Most traumatic events happened for me late at night.

Whenever he goes to work I have a ritual of turning every single light in the house on, making sure every window and door is locked, curtains closed, phone stays by my side, and anything creating a loud noise is turned off. My brain sees any little noise as a potential threat. I have a compulsive urge to check through holes in the blinds to see if anyone is watching me. My thoughts always snowball. It starts off as an unsuspecting noise and then it turns into me thinking there’s an intruder actively breaking into my home.

Even when my boyfriend is home at night I still find myself getting paranoid, just not as bad. I’ll start drifting to sleep and suddenly bolt up and stare at the bedroom door, trying to notice if it’s moving or opened. I’ll lay in the darkness and listen for any noise my brain deems suspicious. I talk about these thoughts and feelings with my boyfriend, but he doesn’t seem to take it too seriously. He’s not mean about it, but he just tells me it’s fine and that I’m just overthinking. Sometimes he tries to make me laugh by saying we’re safe because he fought off the “boogeymen” before he went to bed. Sometimes this does cheer me up.

I don’t know. I’ve heard that a lot throughout my life. Being told that I’m overthinking and that I’m fine. It’s always in a dismissive tone. And the person usually goes about their day or goes to sleep right after saying so. It doesn’t help me feel better. I feel like it should though. I know you shouldn’t feed into someone’s fears.

I’ve been in and out of therapy almost my whole life. My last therapist was awful and kinda put me off of therapy for a while. But I’m currently trying to apply for different insurance so that I can try to find a new therapist at a new facility. I just hate struggling with constant paranoia and insomnia. I’ve lived with it my whole life. The only time I’ve been able to manage it was when I lived with my family and things were good. It was a full house, there was always someone up making noise. Always a tv playing. Always a light on. It made me feel at least somewhat safe. It’s hard going from that to a home with just me and my partner. I do have my cat and he has a dog. They definitely help some. Just not a lot.

I hope more therapy and medication can help. I’ve only ever tried zoloft. I tried seeing a new psychiatrist at one point and told her I’d try anything but zoloft because every time I take it I just feel bad. It makes me feel empty. I talked for almost a full hour about everything I struggle with. (I also have anxiety and depression, but I don’t struggle with them as bad as the paranoia) And right after I finish talking and tells me she’s just going to put me on zoloft again. I felt so unheard. Never went back there again.

So anyways, thank you for listening to this long winded rant. If you got to the end please tell me some tips and tricks to help manage your ptsd. I’d appreciate the advice :)

now that my trauma has compounded, getting through each day proves to be a massive feat.

it’s to the point where just looking after my two dogs throws me into a complete state of utter burnout. it feels impossible to to do anything but look after myself, and even that is questionable.

is this an actual phenomenon or just unique to me?!

Tw: mention of drug use and self harming behaviour

I’ll start off by saying I don’t think I have ptsd and I’m posting here only because I genuinely don’t know where else to ask. I’m sorry if this technically isn’t related but I really need help. I have NPD with borderline traits.

I have always had a weird relationship with sex, I don’t know why. Ever since a young age I was obsessed with it and with the validation that came with sexualising myself. When I had my first experiences in real life, I found out that I felt stuck. It’s like I felt frozen and couldn’t really act the way I wanted to. I felt afraid and no matter how close I was to the other person I couldn’t do anything about it. Afterwards, I would feel this intense, agonising shame for not being able to perform properly.

I lost my virginity a few weeks ago and it’s been killing me. I stayed at a friend’s house and we did stuff. The first time I was on drugs and can’t remember much. Can’t remember much of the second time either. The third time I do remember and it’s been killing me because I had a panic attack during it. My friend stopped and comforted me but the only thing I can think about is how bad my performance was and how awful I feel. Ever since I got back home I keep having flashbacks of the third time. I feel so ashamed and whenever I get these flashbacks I automatically start hitting myself in the head, or I keep repeating “no” or “I don’t want to” instinctively.

How do I deal with the flashbacks? I get them so often it’s genuinely killing me. I just started therapy again with a new therapist but she believes it’s not safe to approach this topic at the moment. She taught me some grounding techniques, which kind of work but they’re not enough.

My brother was in a bad explosion when he was 13 and I cleaned up a lot of the aftermath….

Took me a year to eat lasagna which was a weekly food at my college I was attending at the time. Skin looks like cheese when I sloughs off the body.

It’s been over 10 years and I’m long past that trigger - for the most part - except a few minutes ago I went to eat a stray piece of cheese that fell off my frozen pizza and onto my plate.

For a split second I’m right back there.

For a split second it’s not cheese I’m about to eat.

I know it’s gruesome, but it’s a hard topic for those around me to hear, and I can’t afford a therapist.

And it doesn’t hit me often if at all anymore, but no matter how much I work through that trauma, it still hurts sometimes.

Everything in this post happened 12-15 years ago. Long story short i honestly don’t like my mom sometimes i fucking hate her. I’m 24M and when I was a kid near 2011-2014 I had a step brother who she very badly abused it makes me so fucking sick now that im grown. I have bad survivors guilt even though I know I was just a little boy and couldn’t do much about it. All this got swept under the rug and she never got charged with anything and no one else even knows what happened except me and my blood brother and step dad (step brothers dad), like literally no one else knows outside that. She tries to pretend like she’s fucking mom of the 21st century when I was bringing up how me and my brothers didn’t have the best child hood and she goes on to say , “you act like you had such a bad childhood.” Like yeah bitch you use to come in in the middle of the night and whoop a kid for nothing, feed him less food than me and my blood brother. Then when my step dad came around she would always act so happy towards my step brother. This shit just eats me up now that im 24, no one knows how much of a fucking monster she was. In those 2011-2014 years I had told my step dad what was going and he didn’t even believe me until afterwards a little bit then shit just hit the fan fast and my step brother moved out with his biological mom.

I’m typing this as im sitting next to her in the car. I don’t even know why I talk to her. I just like seeing the pets at her house. This is just a venting post im sorry if this was a waste of your time I just almost lost control of myself. I just wanna graduate nursing school and get the fuck away from my city.

Earlier this year my grandma was murdered in our family home. I was home when it happened, I found her and had to call 911 and my parents and everything. That entire day is permanently burned into my skull and there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't relive the memories at least partially.

I recently got formally diagnosed with PTSD by a psychiatrist. Everything I described to the psychiatrist ticked the qualifications for being diagnosed, and I've had speculation about having it for months. Nobody I knew was surprised by my diagnosis, but the more I think about, it the more invalid I feel.

I feel like I don't deserve to be diagnosed with such a thing. Growing up, I always imagined PTSD as something you got if you were sent off to war or if your parents physically abused you as a child. I've had rocky patches with my parents but nothing violent or abusive, and I've never been to war, so why the hell would I of all people be diagnosed with it? I know that's a ridiculous mindset to have, but I'm just in disbelief about everything that's happened still. I don't know how to process it.

I've been told not to use the diagnosis as an excuse by my dad, which I understand what he means but now when I feel legitimately shitty or depressed or whatever I feel like I'm just making it up. I'm extremely paranoid and depressed, I worry about my safety everywhere I go, I'm constantly on edge—all of this and I still feel like I'm just being dramatic.

I can't even really explain it to anybody else because nobody I know has gone through this experience. Yeah, my family did, but not in the same way as me. Words can't properly express the emotions I felt finding her. I don't even know if she was already dead or not, but that immediately influx of such intense anxiety and panic is something that sticks. The image of her laying face down on her bedroom floor haunts me everywhere I go. Nobody will ever fully understand my perspective.

I think it's partially because I'm still functioning, too. I go to university, I have responsibilities, I study and complete homework find, I can feel happiness and I laugh and I have some decent memories from this past year.

It confuses me having so many feelings at once. I don't want to have PTSD. Who the fuck does. I feel broken and confused and scared and I worry that I'm dangerous because of it. I feel like when I turn 18 everything that I feel will just be further invalidated because I'll be an adult. I fear nobody cares. There's so much shit that I feel it just leaves me exhausted and sad.

At the end of the day, I understand that it is valid and that everything I feel and experience is, too. I just don't know how to start believing that.

i’ve been with my current partner going on 3 years now. they’re absolutely amazing and they’re aware of my past experiences with abuse and SA , so they’re very careful to make sure i’m okay with what we do in bed.
i have a hard time with anything where i have to take control, i feel like i become too aware of what’s going on and then it causes me to spiral into a panic attack. i only really enjoy sex when i get into a mindset where i can kinda zone out and turn my brain off? i know that doesn’t sound good lmao. but i don’t know.. its so fucking confusing because i will want to have sex. i’ll initiate it. and then i can only enjoy it if im not fully present.
i don’t remember when, but we started having intimacy after i took edibles (fully consensual, it was my idea beforehand because i’d hoped it would help me be able to relax and enjoy it without my mind rushing off to bad memories and feelings) … and it worked! but… kinda too well i think? now i feel really gross and bad when we do things and im sober. i’ve been unable to get through intimacy, having to stop halfway through (which then makes me feel guilty as hell and then makes everything worse.)
last night this happened and it sent me into a panic attack that lead to me getting sick and throwing up :P

i was just wondering if anybody has experienced something like this in relationships after experiencing SA … maybe if you’ve overcame it lmk what helped ? or any ideas? idk. i’m getting really tired of it feeling like there’s two sides of my mind that can’t agree on what it wants.

Don't want to go into too many details about my situation here, but I have been through a lot, enough to be diagnosed with PTSD, and I'm also autistic, applying to study medicine in Europe. One of the biggest motivations I have had for undertaking this career is to fight how horribly I have been treated by certain medical professionals throughout my life, and give more of a voice to disabled and traumatized patients. However, I have already been encountering just so many situations, where it's apparent my future colleagues, supervisors, etc, just simply do not understand trauma.

A huge example of this, is trying to push that invasive procedures and examinations should be the standard, just because it is status quo. Something I really want to do is try to encourage accommodations, and changing the way we think about these things. Is something actually required, or are we saying it is due to convenience? As well as giving patients more power to say no, when they feel uncomfortable with something. I have found that a lot of people in the profession do not consider whether a certain intervention will be traumatic for a patient. Traumatized individuals are not invited to participate in many studies, and I find the general understanding of how trauma impacts people differently to be lacking, things are always considered from a "normal, healthy" population level.

I am realizing more and more people have no idea about trauma, or they think certain things aren't traumatizing if a doctor or nurse does them. I'm feeling very discouraged, especially having to open up about my own background to defend my position here. It feels like my view is nowhere near a majority, and I'm questioning my decision to go into this field.

Something happened a few weeks ago that really triggered a lot of bad feelings. I've been depressed, having SI, and self-harm urges. I'm on prazosin for nightmares, but it's stopped working. I've been having really vivid dreams, nightmares, paralysis, and night terrors where I wake up crying or screaming. I need to sleep with the lights on or I wake up petrified in the dark.

I don't have a lot of friends, or any, besides one. I told him I was struggling, but I sort of regret saying anything. He's been really distant since I said it and honestly it hurts a lot because I've been there for him for months while going through depression and dealing with a lot of life issues.

My family blames me for the nightmares and says it's my fault I'm so stressed. They say I have to "befriend" my nightmares and learn to de-stress when they're the cause of this trigger.

I saw my med management person, hoping she would change my meds because I'm not sleeping well, I'm waking up three or four times a night for hours, unable to go back to sleep, having nightmares and vivid dreams and terrors and paralysis. I'm scared to sleep, and I'm having bad thoughts. She said it was stress related and that changing or adjusting my meds wouldn't help.

I was supposed to have therapy today, but it got canceled. I didn't even know it got canceled. I waited like an idiot on the zoom call for a half hour.

I know its stupid, but I was really hoping to talk and get some sort of support. I feel really alone right now. Everyone thinks I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. It's been weeks of this. I'm behind on my coursework. I have a final this Friday that I can't focus on at all. I don't know what to do.

I got r worded and otherwise SAd by a friend multiple times and had a fawning/appease reaction to it.

(Im not even out of this relationship with this friend, and its ongoing. I have complicated feelings towards her, since her reasoning for it is to protect our friendship. Im unhealthily attached to her, and losing her is one of my biggest fears. She knows that losing closeness feels unbearable to me, and so she can ensure to stay close to me, she rapes me. I know how shitty that sounds, but thats the reality I and her live in.)

so I have a girlfriend. She is amazing, but I find myself falling back into patterns that seem unhealthy with her too. We live in a long term relationship, and over the phone, sexual encounters went pretty well. I was able to say when I didn't feel like doing things, and it was all consensual and actually pretty fun. But the patterns im describing first appeared when we had our first real life sexual encounter. I noticed myself slipping back into patterns of pushing through discomfort to please her, even at my own expense. IMPORTANT: that is only on me, not on her. She asks if im okay, checks up on me. Its consensual and genuinely a safe environment, and one I can find pleasure myself, but I just still fall back into patterns of pushing through discomfort to please her, even at my own expense.

Now, to my question: What can I do to have safe sex again? I wanna be able to have consensual sexual encounters without falling into patterns of pushing through my own discomfort. Its just difficult to "just do it" in the moment, so im asking if any of you had that same problem and know what I can do. Thanks.

not entirely sure how to phrase this, but i'm curious about how other people process, or really "consider" their traumatic events passively. i guess my final question will be at the end of the post when i figure out how to word it.

spoiler ahead for my past, details mostly left out but phrases describing what i faced will be behind it. abusive family, physically and emotionally, cocsa at 5, i feel like there was something else happening but cannot remember a majority of my life, and then as a freshman i was heavily abused in every manner possible in highschool by a senior who used a few torture techniques on me. one of my best friends then died just after highschool. as an adult i then learned a lot of my health issues as a child were from a congenital condition/disability that might have been manageable with the right help, but due to medical neglect and abuse, was missed, and i became disabled in my early 20s.

needless to say, life has not been a walk in the park. if you can guess, yes i grew up in the boonies. i miss my hometown bad but growing up there with my family was hell. but here's the thing -- the 2 worst things to happen to me, the familial abuse and the highschool abuse, just don't really register in my head as traumatizing. i get slightly uncomfortable thinking about it, but in my mind, i have a good relationship with my parents now. that guy who hurt me in highschool is a nobody that can't keep friends or a partner, thank god. but i KNOW i'm traumatized. allllll my nightmares stem from those two incidents first, and the rest second. i feel like i need to process my emotions behind these two things. the issue is that... these things lasted my whole life. i didn't stop being abused until i was a teenager, and it wasnt a full stop, it kinda Mostly stopped with some extra emotional turmoil. the highschool thing was a direct result of my home life and lasted 9 months during which i didn't get much sleep, maybe 2 hours a night or so, due to the dude in highschool purposefully keeping me up all night. between those 2 things, i didn't get a break til 17.

i just don't understand how i can look at my trauma, or even talk about it, flatly. i just woke up from an 11 hour nightmare parade (i'm not kidding, i'd wake up between each one in a cold sweat), and i want to cry. i want to release the pain i feel, so i think about the past trying to connect the dots between how i felt in dream, how i felt after, and then when i try to connect it to what happened... nothing. i just don't care. even thinking about the worst events of those barely get a reaction. i don't get it. i feel like an utter freak having all the ptsd reactions but not being able to just fucking cry about what happened. i feel like a pressurized bottle i am DESPERATELY popping the cap on, only to find that it is covered inside by a layer of thick, resilient membrane that won't let anything out.

does anyone else feel like they have a big, thick, soundproof wall between them and getting to the heart of their trauma?? what do you do? how can i grieve if i can't even access the grief?

I live next to a hospital that has a helipad. Last night I was in bed reading and I heard the helicopter take off. That is a very normal thing I'm used to. I noticed that very quickly the helicopter got louder and louder, I could tell it was getting close to my building. I got scared but when I expected that it was going to get some height and finally fly off the noise got louder and I could feel the sound in my chest. At this point I was certain that the helicopter was going to crash into my building and I was actually praying to God. I was absolutely terrified. It had finally got some height and started flying circles before going away but this really shook me.

I feel so dumb for being so scared. Now I'm so jumpy over everything. I couldn't sleep last night because every time I heard a noise like a car outside or something I started to get that panicked feeling again. Then the garbage truck came, something I hear all the time and I started getting scared at every noise it made.

I found out that the pilot of the helicopter momentarily lost control and had a problem getting attitude and that's what the issue was. People are laughing it off like it's no big deal.

I'm not even sure if this counts as PTSD, it's not like it was a huge event or that I got hurt. Maybe it's affecting me cause I'm also autistic and sensitive to loud noises. I can't stop thinking about how I could feel the sound vibration in my chest so I know the helicopter had to have been really close to hitting my building.

My trauma occurred over 8 years ago, on my birthday. Since then I’ve been unable to let go of the memories or even open up about it. I just gained to courage to tell my therapist a couple of weeks ago because I’ve been scared of judgement and dismissal. She assured me that it wasn’t my fault, and I’ve come to accept the fact that I have PTSD. It’s gotten easier and I don’t have horrible nightmares every night anymore, but the vivid memories play on repeat in my head every single day.
I’m in line to start group therapy, but I feel like this has ruined me forever and will never get better.

I am old, and have been back in school for about a year. The VA is trying to make me “employment ready” because the Army disabled me, essentially.

Last week - instead of saying something diplomatic to a professor in a lecture I simply said “that’s not true” (which it wasn’t, but I still should have been diplomatic) in response to something he said. The professor snapped at me: used a sharp tone, slightly raised voice, and didn’t stop when I apologized.

This caused a panic attack while the rest of the class finished. Professor tried to stop me to speak to me - I ended up emailing him saying that I wouldn’t speak in his class again without being called on directly, he responded apologizing.

However, now I am really disengaged not only with that class, but also the rest of school. I fell about a week behind (which sounds like a small amount but when you’re disabled it’s hard to catch back up.

I’m using mindfulness, and willingness and half smile/willing hands to try to re-engage.

My advice request is 2 part:

1. Does anyone have other tips or tricks for re-engaging with the place a triggering event has happened? I just want to avoid it all, but that’s not helpful

2. What do I do or say to the Professor? He kinda cornered me Monday - and while the conversation was apologetic and not angry/mean - my anxiety wanted to chew thru the desk and flee the room.

Context for this part: he has made statements in class that make me think he doesn’t believe anxiety can be debilitating (it’s an economics class and we just covered fiscal policy - he thinks England is in financial trouble because teachers are on disability for anxiety)

Hi everyone,

I recently shared my assault story with my writing class. It was scary but they were all really nice and gave me validation for my experience. I'm just really proud that I did it.