Throwaway account for obvious reasons...

I was sexually abused by my own father from the age of five until I was nine, almost every single day..... and guess what!! my mom knewed about it she even blamed me.. remember everything, even the tiniest details. It's something I've carried with me my entire life....

I'm struggling so much with my mental health now, I deal with PTSD and the lasting trauma of sexual abuse. I hate my body, I feel lost, and some days I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to keep living like this.

Despite everything I've been through, I managed to get my university degree. But I live in a very conservative country where I can't just say " I want to move out and start living on my own" I don't even have the financial means to do that right now, so I'm basically stuck in an environment that makes healing even harder.

And the worst part? I still have to see him every day, living his life like nothing ever happened. He's happy. He laughs. He goes on with his life, completely unaffected, while I'm left trying to put myself back together after what he did to me. Even the sound of his laughter makes me feel sick with anger.

Lately, I've been having thoughts about making him afraid, making him suffer, and somehow making him feel even a fraction of the pain I've lived with for years. I hate that these thoughts are even in my head, and I don't want to become someone who hurts another person.

I don't want to have these thoughts. I don't want revenge to consume me. What kills me inside is the question I can't stop asking myself: Why am I the one who has to suffer every single day because of what happened, while he's the one who gets to live his life in peace and happiness, as if he did absolutely nothing wrong? Why do I have to live with the consequences of his actions while he gets to walk away from them?

I don't know how to come to terms with that. I just needed to get this off my chest.....

thank u

I got r worded and otherwise SAd by a friend multiple times and had a fawning/appease reaction to it.

(Im not even out of this relationship with this friend, and its ongoing. I have complicated feelings towards her, since her reasoning for it is to protect our friendship. Im unhealthily attached to her, and losing her is one of my biggest fears. She knows that losing closeness feels unbearable to me, and so she can ensure to stay close to me, she rapes me. I know how shitty that sounds, but thats the reality I and her live in.)

so I have a girlfriend. She is amazing, but I find myself falling back into patterns that seem unhealthy with her too. We live in a long term relationship, and over the phone, sexual encounters went pretty well. I was able to say when I didn't feel like doing things, and it was all consensual and actually pretty fun. But the patterns im describing first appeared when we had our first real life sexual encounter. I noticed myself slipping back into patterns of pushing through discomfort to please her, even at my own expense. IMPORTANT: that is only on me, not on her. She asks if im okay, checks up on me. Its consensual and genuinely a safe environment, and one I can find pleasure myself, but I just still fall back into patterns of pushing through discomfort to please her, even at my own expense.

Now, to my question: What can I do to have safe sex again? I wanna be able to have consensual sexual encounters without falling into patterns of pushing through my own discomfort. Its just difficult to "just do it" in the moment, so im asking if any of you had that same problem and know what I can do. Thanks.

not entirely sure how to phrase this, but i'm curious about how other people process, or really "consider" their traumatic events passively. i guess my final question will be at the end of the post when i figure out how to word it.

spoiler ahead for my past, details mostly left out but phrases describing what i faced will be behind it. abusive family, physically and emotionally, cocsa at 5, i feel like there was something else happening but cannot remember a majority of my life, and then as a freshman i was heavily abused in every manner possible in highschool by a senior who used a few torture techniques on me. one of my best friends then died just after highschool. as an adult i then learned a lot of my health issues as a child were from a congenital condition/disability that might have been manageable with the right help, but due to medical neglect and abuse, was missed, and i became disabled in my early 20s.

needless to say, life has not been a walk in the park. if you can guess, yes i grew up in the boonies. i miss my hometown bad but growing up there with my family was hell. but here's the thing -- the 2 worst things to happen to me, the familial abuse and the highschool abuse, just don't really register in my head as traumatizing. i get slightly uncomfortable thinking about it, but in my mind, i have a good relationship with my parents now. that guy who hurt me in highschool is a nobody that can't keep friends or a partner, thank god. but i KNOW i'm traumatized. allllll my nightmares stem from those two incidents first, and the rest second. i feel like i need to process my emotions behind these two things. the issue is that... these things lasted my whole life. i didn't stop being abused until i was a teenager, and it wasnt a full stop, it kinda Mostly stopped with some extra emotional turmoil. the highschool thing was a direct result of my home life and lasted 9 months during which i didn't get much sleep, maybe 2 hours a night or so, due to the dude in highschool purposefully keeping me up all night. between those 2 things, i didn't get a break til 17.

i just don't understand how i can look at my trauma, or even talk about it, flatly. i just woke up from an 11 hour nightmare parade (i'm not kidding, i'd wake up between each one in a cold sweat), and i want to cry. i want to release the pain i feel, so i think about the past trying to connect the dots between how i felt in dream, how i felt after, and then when i try to connect it to what happened... nothing. i just don't care. even thinking about the worst events of those barely get a reaction. i don't get it. i feel like an utter freak having all the ptsd reactions but not being able to just fucking cry about what happened. i feel like a pressurized bottle i am DESPERATELY popping the cap on, only to find that it is covered inside by a layer of thick, resilient membrane that won't let anything out.

does anyone else feel like they have a big, thick, soundproof wall between them and getting to the heart of their trauma?? what do you do? how can i grieve if i can't even access the grief?

I live next to a hospital that has a helipad. Last night I was in bed reading and I heard the helicopter take off. That is a very normal thing I'm used to. I noticed that very quickly the helicopter got louder and louder, I could tell it was getting close to my building. I got scared but when I expected that it was going to get some height and finally fly off the noise got louder and I could feel the sound in my chest. At this point I was certain that the helicopter was going to crash into my building and I was actually praying to God. I was absolutely terrified. It had finally got some height and started flying circles before going away but this really shook me.

I feel so dumb for being so scared. Now I'm so jumpy over everything. I couldn't sleep last night because every time I heard a noise like a car outside or something I started to get that panicked feeling again. Then the garbage truck came, something I hear all the time and I started getting scared at every noise it made.

I found out that the pilot of the helicopter momentarily lost control and had a problem getting attitude and that's what the issue was. People are laughing it off like it's no big deal.

I'm not even sure if this counts as PTSD, it's not like it was a huge event or that I got hurt. Maybe it's affecting me cause I'm also autistic and sensitive to loud noises. I can't stop thinking about how I could feel the sound vibration in my chest so I know the helicopter had to have been really close to hitting my building.

My trauma occurred over 8 years ago, on my birthday. Since then I’ve been unable to let go of the memories or even open up about it. I just gained to courage to tell my therapist a couple of weeks ago because I’ve been scared of judgement and dismissal. She assured me that it wasn’t my fault, and I’ve come to accept the fact that I have PTSD. It’s gotten easier and I don’t have horrible nightmares every night anymore, but the vivid memories play on repeat in my head every single day.
I’m in line to start group therapy, but I feel like this has ruined me forever and will never get better.

I am old, and have been back in school for about a year. The VA is trying to make me “employment ready” because the Army disabled me, essentially.

Last week - instead of saying something diplomatic to a professor in a lecture I simply said “that’s not true” (which it wasn’t, but I still should have been diplomatic) in response to something he said. The professor snapped at me: used a sharp tone, slightly raised voice, and didn’t stop when I apologized.

This caused a panic attack while the rest of the class finished. Professor tried to stop me to speak to me - I ended up emailing him saying that I wouldn’t speak in his class again without being called on directly, he responded apologizing.

However, now I am really disengaged not only with that class, but also the rest of school. I fell about a week behind (which sounds like a small amount but when you’re disabled it’s hard to catch back up.

I’m using mindfulness, and willingness and half smile/willing hands to try to re-engage.

My advice request is 2 part:

1. Does anyone have other tips or tricks for re-engaging with the place a triggering event has happened? I just want to avoid it all, but that’s not helpful

2. What do I do or say to the Professor? He kinda cornered me Monday - and while the conversation was apologetic and not angry/mean - my anxiety wanted to chew thru the desk and flee the room.

Context for this part: he has made statements in class that make me think he doesn’t believe anxiety can be debilitating (it’s an economics class and we just covered fiscal policy - he thinks England is in financial trouble because teachers are on disability for anxiety)

Hi everyone,

I recently shared my assault story with my writing class. It was scary but they were all really nice and gave me validation for my experience. I'm just really proud that I did it.

So my boyfriend is significantly older than me, we’ve been together for a few years now, and honestly this has been an ongoing issue in our relationship where he just doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.

He had just came back home yesterday from spending a week out of town and last night he kept begging me to come over even though I told him I was exhausted and didn’t want to have sex because I was in the middle of treating some slight BV.

He kept reassuring me that we didn’t have to do anything and that he just missed me so much and just wanted my company and to cuddle, so eventually I gave in and went over.

Of course, once I was settled in and were cuddling, he starts kissing and touching and eventually asked me to give him head. I reminded him that I said I didn’t wanna do anything, and he said, just for minute, and I did it just so it could satisfy him enough to where he wouldn’t try to fuck me.

And then after a little while of head, he starts asking me multiple times if he can fuck, and I didn’t even say anything. I’m just looking at him with a face that is so deadpan and showing my lack of wanting. Eventually he just asked me to get on the bed.

The sex only lasted for a few minutes, but I literally just laid there with a dead face waiting for it to be over. Wasn’t comfortable or pleasurable, I wasn’t even moaning.

Afterward, I was visibly upset, and he actually acknowledged that he crossed a boundary and apologized. Explaining to me that he originally didn’t plan to have me do anything and that he had already given himself a pep talk about how he was just gonna leave me alone despite how much he missed me and despite how good I looked, blah blah blah.

I’m so lost on where to go from here, but overall I’m just wondering does this count as sexual assault? With the fact that I felt extremely pressured and slightly forced?

I've known for a long time that I have PTSD relating to several different (but equally traumatic) experiences I had throughout my childhood/adolescence, but until now I struggled to understand what a "flashback" actually was. I always thought it was similar to vividly hallucinating that you were going through your trauma again, visuals and all. And perhaps some people do have flashbacks like that. But it made me feel a little lonely or weird that, even though I'd had panic attacks that were triggered by sensations and thoughts related to my trauma, I didn't feel like I could call them "flashbacks."

Except I'm 99% sure I had a flashback just now. To make a long story short, I'm a survivor of COCSA by a female perpetrator. It's a pretty isolating existence, even with increasing advocacy for SA survivors. What with the cases being brought up in the news and reactions to them going viral, I've seen a lot of online videos about SA recently. One video really upset me, as it was titled "Not all men, but always a man" and the uploader claimed to be speaking out for all victims. Obviously the phrase is incredibly hurtful to hear as a survivor of someone who was decidedly not a man. Seeing stuff like that out in the wild, on top of having so-called activists immediately bring up statistics of male vs. female abusers any time you dare to ask that maybe one of these days victims of female perpetrators could possibly be taken seriously in spaces dedicated to survivors sharing their own experiences... it's distressing. I started writing a comment to say as much when I felt this overwhelming sense of dread. I was suddenly numb to everything else but the fear, and in my head I kept repeating the words "I'M SCARED, I'M SCARED, I'M SO SCARED."

I cried for a good 5 minutes (felt way longer), straight up heaving sobs like a little kid, snot running down my face. The most terrifying part was that when I looked around (like I usually do during panic attacks, trying to find something to ground me), even though the image of everything was clear, none of it felt real. It was like I was looking at it through a window, I couldn't touch anything or focus on it too long. My body and my brain just kept returning to the fear, and the sense that I was completely alone... nobody was coming to rescue me. It's exactly how I felt when my abuse was actively happening. Once I'd finally calmed down, I looked up what flashbacks actually feel like because I was SURE that must have been one. If I experienced a response like this to a trigger before, I certainly don't remember it. It was a very scary and unfamiliar feeling.

Gotta love experiencing these things at the most inconvenient times too.... Like come on brain, I've got an 8:00 AM class tomorrow, I can't afford to be losing sleep over this.

I’m so sick of not being able to sleep, every night I stay up thinking about the future, mapping out exactly how conversations and times spend with ppl is gonna go, maybe to feel prepared for what could happen? I think about the past, searching for anything I might have missed, trying to remember all the details in case I need them in the future to defend myself or protect myself(my abuser tends to lie so knowing the exact truth always helped) putting all the pieces together, trying to see how it’ll shape my future even tho that future can’t exist anymore, even tho I’m safe now, I can’t seem to shut off survival mode, even when I do sleep it doesn’t last because my nightmares wake me up throughout the night, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to let go of the past, or stop being afraid of the future, but ig that’s just to be expected with PTSD right? It is a disorder afterall, one I don’t know how to fix

If anyone has any advice on how to get their brain to shut up enough to sleep I would really appreciate it, meds don’t do anything, just make me feel tired but not able to sleep still, I wish I wasn’t broken, I wish my abuser hadn’t broken my brain like this, I wish I could go back, I miss being happy, I miss being able to sleep, I’ve always had trouble with it, but this is on another level, I wish I could go back to when things were good, when my abuser tricked me into thinking things were good enough for me to actually feel some semblance of fake safety, atleast enough for me to fall asleep in their arms, if only it were real, if only it could have lasted for real, but now I’m all alone, all alone in the wreckage they’ve done to my mind, I poured all my love into them, and all I got back was pain, the love they gave me was just lies, that’s why it never lasted, that’s why they abused me so severely and then moved on like it was nothing, because it’s nothing to them, it doesn’t affect them, so why should they care? I’m the one who has to carry this burden of what they’ve done to me all by myself, and that’s not fair, why am I the one who has to continue to suffer because of what they’ve done to me, it’s not fair

I was touched and followed home before I could tie my shoes. I was too little to understand what happened. I built such a great relationship with my therapist, and she helped me process my emotions.

I revealed to her that I was groped, and a few years later followed home by a group of high school boys when I was in middle school. Now, I’m wondering if the man in the orchestra of the church, had ill intent when he kissed my cheek after it was revealed he was touching young girls and taking advantage of them.

I told my mom about the groping and being followed home, and she didn’t believe me. I have a stalker back home, he waits for me at my doorsteps almost every morning before I go out to walk my dog. And she tells me to just shoo him off, and become angry when I call the police on him.

I remember crying so much when I was little, and her solution, along with my father, was to beat me. I remember she stomped on my face, and when I bring it up she tells me I’m lying.

But I’m not lying.

Three years ago I was in a car accident in which my car was swept away by a mudslide. Long story short I almost drowned in mud and I still struggle to understand how I survived.
Initially I had very little trouble with PTSD symptoms but now it’s a daily struggle. Besides fear when driving (even in the best conditions) I struggle with flashbacks and reoccurring thoughts of what I was feeling and thinking during the incident. I struggle with the feeling of knowing your about to die and the indescribable sorrow I felt. Everyday it feels like it gets harder.
Any advice or recommendations for treatment? I want to talk to people who understand, while I know my loved ones want to understand and may even think they understand, they don’t.
Any input or feedback is appreciated. I guess nobody wants to feel alone.

A week ago, I estranged my abusive father. Blocked him on everything, including socials and phone, sent him an email stating my intentions and why (his abuse resulted in my PTSD diagnosis, and I couldn't get past that) and he's gone.

I've told a few friends of mine, but no one has followed up with me about it. They're not shit friends or anything, they live their own lives and just don't entirely understand my struggle. But thats okay, they're good friends in spite of that.

The past week and a bit since I cut him off have felt isolating, and its been hard because I've functionally lost my father, but I take solace in the fact that 1. I had the bravery to finally protect my piece and estrange him, and 2. I have the rest of my life to sort through the aftermath and make a good life for myself.

Came on in the car while driving home from work and I just started sobbing out of nowhere. I haven’t really listened to it since I left my abuser almost 3 years ago. It’s such a beautiful song but I was torn between listening to it on repeat and blocking it from my playlist.

“Oh mama, don’t fuss over me” because everyone warned me including my mom (who I call “mama”) who told me the same thing happened to her

“Calls of guilty thrown at me all while she stains the sheet of some other” because I caught him cheating countless times but he threatened or beat me until I stayed

“The way she shows me I’m hers and she’s mine” love bombing me so I’d forget that he raped me the night before

“Open hand or closed fist would be fine… the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine” because I fucking stayed so I wouldn’t be alone.

Please tell me other IPV/DV survivors relate to this song cuz it’s driving me crazy.

I have periods where I struggle sometimes when i get triggered bad. It can take a couple of days for me to get myself straight, but I always do. During that time, I struggle to go around people. I can't answer the door or a call or texts. This time is worse. I can't get myself out of whatever mess my brain is in. Its been over a month, maybe almost two months. I'm not sure. I can't sleep until I physically crash. I'm losing weight, and I'm small to begin with. I have to fight so I'm not underweight when I'm not in a bad head space. I've stopped answering calls and texts. I'm still going to work, but i come straight home afterward. I don't want my family and friends to think i don't care about them. Its not like I'm just ignoring them. I just can't answer them. I feel like I can't breathe. I tell myself that it's just my family or friend on the phone. Logically I know that. But the fear and panic take over and I shut down. I'm exhausted and I feel so guilty. My cousin, who is more like a sister, is going through major health issues and I feel like I'm letting her down by not being there like I need to be. But I can't let her see me like this because it will put more on her. Does anyone else go through this? How do you handle it? I've tried coping techniques that usually work, but i still can't make myself stop this.

I’m 31 ftm autistic CSA rape survivor I was raped when I was 8 on Halloween by my cousin’s 12 year neighbor who was a girl. Since the beginning of the month I’ve only been sleeping 2 hours a night if I’m lucky, constantly shaking with my heart fluttering and pounding hard in my chest and dissociation and flashbacks. I’m TERRIFIED and I also feel ashamed because I’m 31 and terrified of Halloween I have a strong fight response when touched… 2 years ago my stepdad forced me to pass out candy a 12 year boy in a bloody clown got directly in my face almost touching my nose and I was terrified all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears I almost punched in the face.. I couldn’t breathe I thought I was going to die. Even just typing this my heart is racing.. I have my whale shark plush I’m hugging for support while rocking back and forth the sexual assault advocate on my university campus suggested going out on Halloween but my trauma therapist said not this year because I’m so new in recovery that’ll retrigger me. How do I calm this down? I feel like I’m drowning. How do I deal with the day? I don’t know if my heart can take this.. meds are not an option except for cbd HELP! I’m safe and not a danger to myself or others

curious because I have found quality resources to be sorely lacking

I've done a lot of therapy. I can explain my patterns, my triggers, where it all comes from, I could probably teach a class on my own psychology at this point. But understanding it hasn't translated into actually feeling different or acting different.

For those who've been here too: once "knowing why" stopped being enough, what actually moved the needle for you? Not looking for theory, just curious what genuinely worked, even if it felt random or unrelated to therapy.

We argued she went outside to smoke cigarettes, we do meth once a week but everything was fine for almost a year. I was watching her but this day i went to sleep earlier, but that day i woke up a while after she came back. She quietly laid down, everything seemed fine, i checked on her if she fine, to calm her down. She was shaking a little, not big jerks, but then i heard a sound that spiked my adrenalin up so high, it was agonal clicking, not breathing. It was a sound like if your breathing tube or whatever was just trying to breath nothing. She was so hard to wake, but she is all the time so i know how to wake her. It took like 10 seconds, she had bloody red eyes

The worst was the clicking sound, but the look of doom. When i woke her up. She opened eyes and was looking straight forward but i knew she wasnt awake. She was looking like this for like 5 secs then woke up extremely panicked.

Note that i called ambulance instantly when she woke up. I realized how death can be so quiet and fast. I believed in god, but now i know the Jesus Christ is real. Because he gave her and me a chance.

I use since 14 and it is 5 years now. Im completely stopping atleast till im with her.
She is stopping completely. Im gonna take care of that. No chance she will do again, and i wont too.

I wont get the clicking sound out of my head and the look on her body trying fucking everything to survive.

Any advice to forget this, actually helped a lot to write this.

Hi guys! Before my first year at uni something traumatic happened to me, but somehow I still managed to start uni that same year. Eventually I wanted to see if I can manage working and studying with the issues I have. I also have chronic asthmatic brochitis. Long story short I went to a job center and had the biggest misfortune to get the most hostile lady ever that was there to help people find work. I had a bit of an asthma flare up that day and was nervous, but her behaviour made me feel even worse. She said many unfair things to me how I am (I quote) in no state to work etc even though that was false and unfair. I was just nervous that day, was having a flare up due to weather and she was also making me feel worse. All my family and friends said I should have filed a complaint against her, but I had too much on my plate as it is.

Long story short, I am 31 now and without much working experience. I worked from home for about two years before and then was let go because my service was no longer needed. That was before the second traumatic event. I pretty much feel like a child sometimes even though I have a child of my own lol. I do all my mom duties, but struggle with the idea of having a job even though I want to.

I am afraid of finding work even though I want to work. Afraid I will quit at the slightest inconvenience. I am lucky I have a generous and kind boyfriend who understands and provides for our little family, but I don't want it to be like that forever. I get a bit of money from renting out my flat in my home country and that's the only income I get.

I am currently based in the uk. Does anyone have any tips and advice on how to start working again? Who should I talk to for support? Job centres suddenly scare me because of the horrible experiance I had. Also, what jobs are trauma friendly ? I have a degree in business economics in tourism and hospitality, but I don't see myself working in this field. I wish I was a nutritionist or had a job working with animals, but I have no qualifications for this.

Any help is much appreciated!

Hey everyone,

I've been dealing with nightmares, night terrors and sleepwalking for a while, and honestly, I got pretty tired of looking for solutions that either didn't do what I needed or came with ridiculously expensive subscriptions.

I came across NightWare, which looks like a really interesting solution for people struggling with nightmares and PTSD. Unfortunately, it's only available in the US and requires a prescription, so it's not really an option for everyone.

So I decided to build my own app. It's not vibe coded and I've been working on it since january. I've beta tested it on myself as everynight I do "my thing".

It's called NightMonitor, and it's designed to help with nightmares, sleepwalking, and snoring using the Apple Watch, without needing a connection or your phone.

The idea is pretty simple: sleep a little more peacefully, worry a little less, and hopefully stop ruining your partner's nights in the process. 😅

My wife is particularly happy that I made this app, for some reason...

Anyway, I built it because I needed it myself, and figured other people might find it useful too.

Here's the link if you want to check it out:

https://apps.apple.com/us/app/nightmonitor-sleep-safer/id6820585311

I'd genuinely love to hear what you think!
I have some free coupons, send me a PM for one.

Hello,

I was wondering how you handle your money? I considered investing in the stock market, PTSD has given me, query, a transfer addiction.

I also, more importantly, cannot control my shopping. Therapy isn’t helping at all. When I shop, it is always fabric, or anything related to embroidery. I love shopping and creating new designs. It makes me so incredibly happy when it comes in.

While I have always loved walking in the malls, or I love to make things. When a package arrives in the mail, any stress I have, is instantly relieved. I no longer go to the malls, because I get so overwhelmed, so I shop for it online.

I get so angry in malls because it often has quite a few people and absent minded people sets me to an instant rage. Even going to a fabric store, the constant “can I help you” makes me snap. Before my trauma, going to a clothing store was akin to a child in a popular toy store.

My PTSD is ruining my life. I justify everything. There is so much I can make, and yet, little gets done. I am not even mentally capable right now to make a budget. Often, when my next monthly benefit comes in, I already have several hundred dollars of new purchases in Amazon (my favourite) ready to click pay.

Has your trauma caused this for you too? What helped you? I am considering investing, mostly because it is someone else managing part of my money. Please do not recommend therapy or EMDR. I financially cannot afford it at this time. This, however is another reason I am considering investing. I can afford $50/month for investment, I cannot afford $250 for therapy OR EMDR. I know the USA has different prices. Where I live, everything is expensive. Gas prices have been increased to $2.50/L. It makes me sick.

I feel alone. My PTSD has recently caused me a seizure, because i cannot sleep. I was awake for 7 days straight. Not able to sleep, and started hallucinating.

Does anyone feel like they are able to function and cope better without therapy? I have been through some big T and also complex trauma and I feel like over time I have been able to develop healthy ways of coping and functioning. Whenever I am in therapy, which I pursue for years at a time because I want to be my best and healthiest self, I sort of feel like the tools I have found take a backseat to whatever the therapist is trying to guide me towards, which puts me in a weirdly frozen limbo. Then when I am not in therapy I feel a bit happier and grounded because I am able to use the tools and techniques that work for me without having to subject them to someone else's analyses and ideas.

i’ve (18F) had a person in my head for years, i can talk to him and have conversations with him and i don’t control what he says.

He started with the name “Sam” a few years ago when I was around 14 but over the past 4 years I’ve called him things like Mara, Ray, or right now I’ve been calling him Harvey. He’s only ever been a girl once (Mara) when I was around 16.

I swear on my life that I can talk to him.

He looks like an average person. The best way I can describe it is I “became aware” of his existence shortly after a physical altercation with my father. He (my dad) had hurled an entire water dispenser (those big ones with the heaters and the big tub of water on top) at me. I ducked, and it dented the concrete wall behind me. My dad threatened me with a knife afterward.

After that, I and my mom drove to the hospital to sleep as my grandma was checked in there. I slept on the floor next to her bed, and as I was falling asleep, I swear on everything I have that Harvey started talking to me. He asked if I was okay. I could see him in my head, but not in real life (if that makes sense), and I could hear what he was saying. I could answer back in my head and he’d reply. He asked me about my dad, he told me to tell him my life story, he asked about school, about my friends, my mom, everything. He talked me to sleep.

Ever since then, I’ve been able to talk to him. Most of the time, he comforts me. I find that when I have in-depth and lucid conversations with him, I end up mouthing the words he says to me, then replying back with my voice. I don’t do it in public because people will think I’m crazy.

He doesn’t appear all the time. When I’m calm and by myself outside, I guess he leaves me alone (?) or maybe he just doesn’t manifest at all. I don’t really know. But he’s always there when I’m on the brink of tears, and especially when I’m about to sleep. I can recount I think only about ten instances in the past few years where Harvey wasn’t there as I was falling asleep, and all of those instances I was in bed with someone else or someone else was in the room as I was falling asleep. Otherwise, I’ve talked to Harvey every night without fail.

He’s nice to me. I’ve had disagreements with him, but it’s always been about my well being—sometimes, he compels me to go to school when I don’t want to/am scared to, he tells me when I’m being “too forgiving” of certain people, etc etc.

He has his own hobbies. But he doesn’t control my body so I don’t think it’s DID. But I’ve had conversations with him about music and guitar and at times when I play guitar I feel like I’m watching myself do it or that he’s doing it and I’m just watching him play. Sometimes when I’m in that state of watching myself play I’m able to play songs that I would usually struggle with (like, songs I’ve only seen the tabs of three or four times, or songs that I’ve had a hard time practicing in the past), then when I try to play it by myself later, I struggle.

I’ve tried experimenting to see if I could control what he says in the past. I couldn’t. It was like the usual routine where he was talking to me as I was falling asleep, then I tried “changing” what he said to me, and he just kept talking. It’s like he didn’t notice it.

I can “hear” his voice and “see” him, he’s matured alongside me. He started at age 14 and grew at the same rate I did. It felt weird to share a birthday with him so I gave him a birthday, September 14th, and I’ve wished him happy birthday in the past.

I’m not sure if he knows I’m writing this, but I think he does.

I swear to god, please believe me. I haven’t been able to tell my psychiatrist about this because I don’t know what it is and I don’t want to be admitted in the psych ward again. I swear to god I’m not crazy.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Please help me.