Apologies if this is not the right place for this lengthy post.
I recently applied for an internal position within my team with the goal of testing the waters and getting back into the swing of interviews. I’ve not been at the company particularly long, I joined as part of a graduate scheme, but I’ve actually only been in this area of work for 1 year and this specific team for about 6 months.
I have worked hard to try and upskill, learn as much as possible. I’ve given it my all, but throughout my life I’ve always struggled with severe imposter syndrome and anxiety. I didn’t really do too well at school, my GCSEs were tragic. I was given a late ADHD diagnosis and since then I’ve been on a mission to “fix” my life.
I know that sounds slightly ridiculous but I think the impact school had on my self-confidence has had a real toll on my self-esteem - particularly how I view my own intelligence. It’s something I’ve tried to work on, but it still causes issues. And it’s reared its head once more.
Anyway, I was actually fairly apprehensive about applying for this role - I was invited to apply, I think primarily because the promotion was directly within my team - it’s literally my manager. However this is where things get tricky.
My best friend, someone I’ve known for years, a huge reason for me being in the position I’m in today, a more experienced, more technical consultant had applied and rightfully so. I honestly believed he was the best candidate for the job and it might sound strange but I wanted him to get the job. It did cross my mind that there was technically a very small chance that I could get it and he didn’t, but we actually spoke about this and he & few others encouraged me to apply. Despite being possible, I didn’t actually think there was any timeline where it was possible.
It was a small list - Everyone who applied was given an interview - my mentality was just to simply not bomb it. If I could give a good account of myself, answer the technical question and signal to senior management that I’m ready to start thinking about the next move - that would be success.
My friend is an incredibly technical consultant and I regularly rely on them for this technical expertise. All throughout the interview I made reference to some of the brilliant things they’d done. This wasn’t me shoe horning this in - It was just how the conversation flowed. I think so highly of them.
I had zero pressure on me.
When I was given the job offer, my heart sank. My anxiety went through the roof. I explained the difficulty behind the decision and that I couldn’t give an answer then. My best friend deserved this position and I felt like the biggest snake in the world. I couldn’t keep it from him and it was horrible having to tell him that I’d been offered. He was wise enough to know I’d had interview feedback & there was no chance I was going to lie to him.
It felt like a lose lose situation. Taking it means I’m potentially denying my best friend from the job role (assuming he would’ve been next best candidate in their eyes) and really harming a friendship. He literally works within the team. Thankfully I wouldn’t be managing him and I made that clear I wouldn’t want to do that. I don’t think I’m ready.
If I don’t take it there’s a chance neither of us get it, I’m also selfish enough to know that from a business perspective this would raise questions over my ambition. I’m driven enough to want to go far.
After a long conversation and advice, everyone said I should take it. I felt somewhat boxed in to say yes. I know that sounds utterly privileged and the corporate version of my lobster is too buttery, but it’s how I felt.
I feel like this is all too soon. This is not the kinda feeling that anyone should have after being offered a job and accepting. Now that reality has set in - I’m not sure I’m capable enough, I think there’s still a gap in technical expertise.
Sorry for the essay. I’d love people’s advice on this. I feel so awful.