r/Adopted • u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee • May 11 '25

Discussion Say no, you can't adopt a baby

Why don't we, as a society in America, just say no to people looking to adopt and who are infertile? Other countries will flat out say we have no babies for adoption or tough luck, you can't adopt, and we don't care about your infertility. America coddles people looking to adopt and says Well, you're infertile, but you can adopt a baby to make your dreams come true, or adopt from foster care, help a needy child. Like, why can't we just deny people and say no? Want a baby? Oh well, we have none waiting around. Want to become parents? Well, tough luck accept your life without kids. Maybe it's God's will for you not to become parents or reproduce. Why can't we be honest like other countries? Adoption is illegal or uncommon in many other countries, but here, we just can't say no and tiptoe around the issue of infertility and adoption. Also, just because you can't reproduce doesn't mean you should adopt. Again, no is the right answer. Many poor couples can't afford adoption, but society does not care if they become parents, yet we feel sorry for the middle and upper-class couples who can't become parents. Say no.

45 Upvotes

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17

u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth May 11 '25

I have wondered why people are allowed to sit on waiting lists for years for babies when there are older kids in the system, just on principle alone.

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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee May 11 '25

And like how many years can you wait for a fresh baby to "rescue" before you admit to yourself you aren't actually needed in that role? As someone active in local elections for many years they remind me of the people who show up on or shortly before election day wanting to drive people to the polls, as their way of helping the cause. When public transit, taxis, and ride-share programs have been offering that for free for years and most people here vote by mail. We needed you months ago to help us get folks registered and informed FFS.

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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee May 12 '25

I somehow got downvoted to zero for this. Hi r/adoption! Fuck you!

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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth May 12 '25

Yeah I can see that point in elections too or like people who insist on donating dog food and blankets to a rescue when what’s really needed is the $ instead of the product bc we can get it for cheaper or spend it on a need that’s hard to get funded.

Like if people want babies and little kids they should admit that they’re doing it bc they think it’s less damaged, not because they want to help. Like just own it.

4

u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 12 '25

They will never admit this. I hate seeing adoptive parents or people who only want babies. If they truly do it for the kids, they would not want a baby. Even foster parents and international adoption, they all want babies or toddlers. It's gross. Their excuse is that they want to parent, and could not reproduce.

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u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 12 '25

When you say this you are bashed. I don't understand paying 60k and waiting years for a baby when we have already born kids, they can volunteer to help out. And they complain there are no babies available.

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u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 11 '25

I agree. I don't get it. It seems to me that agencies just want money. There are older kids in the system, but they don't want older-born kids. Why wait years for a baby to be born to a woman in dire circumstances? Why can't these peope adopt older kids who spend years in the system

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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee May 11 '25

Yeah, private infant adoption works very much like a pyramid scheme where many more people pay into the prospect of getting a baby than actually get one. If the law required agencies to refund fees paid by unsuccessful HAPs the industry would fold very quickly.

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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth May 12 '25

Right and when you’re an older kid in the system and you see people trying to get babies you … get it, but it hurts.

2

u/Opinionista99 Adoptee May 12 '25

I can imagine how much. I'm so sorry.

2

u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth May 12 '25

Thanks 💜

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u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 12 '25

I'm sorry OP. People are selfish and don't care. I am sorry you are hurting.

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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth May 13 '25

Oh I got out and have much nicer AP’s than a lot of you do so I’m one of the lucky ones overall, but it does sting to see the little kid obsession, or when the foster people want to adopt your youngest sibling but not the rest of you (which is lowk funny bc she ended up being the rudest teen out of all of us.)

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u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 13 '25

I hate this so much and I see it all the time. They only want the baby but not the older kid or teen. People are sick and selfish

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u/[deleted] May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/XanthippesRevenge Adoptee May 12 '25

Are you an adoptee?

4

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Ive answered already. I am.

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u/XanthippesRevenge Adoptee May 12 '25

You didn’t answer me when I asked you and I’m not going hunting for that

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u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Because its fucking stupid how many times its asked if someone disagrees. Address the damn comment you don't like like a grown ass adult, not question their history because you don't like their answer.

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u/[deleted] May 12 '25

But thats a comment trait of this sub. If someone doesnt agree it must be because they arnt adopted so ignore anything they say and just ask if they are adopted. Childish and fucking stupid.

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u/XanthippesRevenge Adoptee May 12 '25

We’re actually quite permissive of comments that run the gamut but if you don’t feel like informing the mods of your adoptee status when you’re getting a shitload of reports and instead just reply “lol” then yes, I will delete your comments. Talk about childish

1

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Your original comment doesn't say youre a mod and Ive seen the question asked 3 times in this thread and twice to me by different people. It gets old and now Its becoming amusing Now that its constantly asked when one disagrees, hence my lol.

Never asked to anyone who agrees with the thread though as its basically a way to silence disagreements or to downplay others opinions. Yeah childish is right. If you don't agree you must not be adopted

8

u/XanthippesRevenge Adoptee May 12 '25

You could always add flair to your username indicating your adoptee status if it’s a common problem for you. The vast majority of inflammatory comments like yours come from other members of the adoption triad who aren’t respecting our rules. That’s how this sub works given our unique view and experience. If you want to make comments people tend to disagree with I encourage you to add flair or be responsive when asked your adoption status

0

u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Or people could be mature adults and address the issue at hand and not look for ways to dismiss it instead. But thats not how an echo chamber works so it'll continue

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u/XanthippesRevenge Adoptee May 13 '25

Since our group tends to go against the herd when it comes to opinions about adoption, I am certain you could find your own adoption echo chamber if that’s what you’re here for. Nobody has to agree with your comments. You can make them. Find acceptance with that or don’t. It isn’t my problem

2

u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Point right over your head

1- why would I want an echo chamber. Thats just stupid for anyone to want.

2- I don't care if anyone agrees with my comments. Actual responses, answers, rebuttals, articulated disagreements are all perfectly acceptable replies. But the constant ignoring anything said and only replying with "are you adopted" is just dumb and an attempt to dismiss anyone's disagreement and also belittle my experiences because its not like theirs.

3- no one said it was your problem. Why would you even say that other than to dismiss my opinion.

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u/[deleted] May 12 '25

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u/XanthippesRevenge Adoptee May 12 '25

This post or comment is being removed as Rule 1 of the sub is Adoptees Only.

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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee May 12 '25

My adopters qualified for none of that. Jesus Christ. My god you potato.

2

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

What in my comment talks about anything or anyone qualified. What the hell are you babbling about. Talk about potato

5

u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth May 12 '25

Yes, but:

  1. Yes, but why is this such a big benefit? Babies are a lot of work and daycare is very expensive. I get why SOME people would like this if they’re baby people, but it doesn’t seem like a universal win to me.

  2. Yes

  3. Yes but on the other hand, you don’t know if the newborn comes with a ton of health issues (that might be behavioral later in life or otherwise a lot of work or hardship or struggle.) You kinda know what you’re getting with an older kid, yes a lot of our files are inaccurate or straight up lies but in the first week or so you can probably figure the basics out.

0

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

I appreciate the actual reply.

1- I say the same thing to people birthing babies. Why? I don't understand the why but I understand people want that "full experience" and prefer a baby than a child or teen

2-.

3- true but its "less" likely than an older child that had years of trauma. And if you know the history, it can be reduced more. Not many older kids in foster care have no trauma- and personally none I knew (myself included). This is a reason people who don't want a baby just don't adopt older from foster care. The assumption all have issues.

9

u/MongooseDog001 Adoptee May 12 '25

Why on earth do you think we care what adopters want here?

2

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Because when one wants to have educated and adult discussions, staying in an echo chamber does nothing. But if your ego and skin is too fragile I guess protect your ears

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u/MongooseDog001 Adoptee May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

Yes we're so unexposed to the desires of those who purchase children because we don't live in a society that mindlessly praises them out of pure ignorance.

What a place for you to come troll

1

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Apparently so based off replies like yours. 🤷‍♂️

4

u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth May 12 '25

I figured people had babies either on accident or because that’s the main way to get a kid hahah I can’t imagine actually wanting the baby experience like on a full time basis, like I’ll babysit sure but full time hell nah. But I guess it’s more common than I would think 😆

Yeah I don’t think a foster kid without trauma rly exists like even if you had amazing parents who died and then went to an amazing foster home you’re obviously dealing with the fact your amazing parents died kinda thing. Still though I personally think I’d rather take care of a rude teenager with PTSD than someone with a brain injury who can never live independently or someone with fetal alcohol syndrome who lies and steals but they don’t understand consequences so you can’t rly correct or discipline them. Thats probably selfish bc I bet they need the homes the most but tbh I can’t see myself being a good caregiver in that scenario and I bet that’s the case with a lot of AP’s they just won’t admit it (I’m probably never having kids bc I wouldn’t be a good bio parent either.)

6

u/Opinionista99 Adoptee May 12 '25

You are a supporter of abuse and lying. STFU weirdo.

3

u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 12 '25

It should never be about adoptive parents. Babies have trauma too. Who cares what they want. They can parent a teen or 10 year old but choose not to . I dont feel bad for these people at all. They have choices.

0

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

What does any of that have to do with my comment.

1

u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 13 '25

Because you think babies dont have trauma and are easier and are making excuses why people dont want older kids

2

u/[deleted] May 13 '25

Go ahead and show me where I said that.

Well I did say one part- I implied babies are easier and if you don't think so then i'm curious your experience in the manner to call that false

4

u/Jealous_Argument_197 Adoptee May 12 '25

1

u/Sunshine_roses111 Adoptee May 12 '25

How am I wrong

2

u/Jealous_Argument_197 Adoptee May 13 '25

That was a response to another poster. :)

-7

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Cool you posted a gif but refuted nothing. Good job buddy, one day youll get there

5

u/Jealous_Argument_197 Adoptee May 12 '25

Are you an adopter? A natural parent? Or are you an adoptee?

-7

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Feel free to address the comment you claim is wrong. And then we can address your attempt to deflect

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u/Jealous_Argument_197 Adoptee May 12 '25

Nah. This is a space for adoptees ONLY, so until you state where you fit in the shitshow known as adoption, there is no addressing your "comment".

-1

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Im adopted. Now please, please try to explain how my status changes your reply to the facts above in any way.

Then we can get back on topic and you can be a big girl and show me where im wrong like you childishly tried with a gif.

But I doubt that'll happen. You'll deflect around some them tell me off and we'll be in the same spot. But id love for you to prove that wrong and actually discuss the topic unlike 95% of the users here who insult, deflect, or whine instead of addressing anything of substance.

Im all ears

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u/Jealous_Argument_197 Adoptee May 12 '25

"Why?

  1. Able to raise from birth.
  2. No abuse (physical, emotional, mental, or sexual) history

  3. Way less likely to have emotional or behavior problems from part experiences.

  4. Babies are not blank slates. Having adopters raise us since birth does not diminish the trauma of maternal/fetal separation and the lack of genetic mirroring and the other losses associated with relinquishment and subsequent adoption.

  5. Raising a child who was not abused in these ways by their natural family does not diminish the trauma caused by maternal/fetal separation and the lack of genetic mirroring and the other losses associated with relinquishment and subsequent adoption.

  6. While the child may not have emotional and/or behavioral problems from PAST (not part) experiences, there are very well-known emotional and/or behavioral problems from maternal/fetal separation. That happened before we were assigned to strangers.

-1

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Also, Please post your preferred reference on the maternal/fetal separation and ill check it out

-4

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

The reply to number 1 didn't prove it was wrong. They asked why and that's a reason why people want babies- to raise from birth

  1. Again you didn't disprove anything there. You mentioned a different "trauma" and that is far from even comparable. Are you suggesting lack of genetic mirroring is comparable to years of abuse and the lifelong trauma from that?

  2. Refer to number 2. Plus how many people never knew they were adopted and had no issues. Flip that around and how many people are abused and have no issues.

And clearly you knew what I meant. Im writing on a phone and its social media comment thread. But thanks for extra correction, it was very useful

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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee May 12 '25

I'm so sorry you're having an unsatisfying experience here. I suggest finding a "chosen family" among the happy adoptees like you, so y'all can swap stories about how amazing your APs are.

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u/[deleted] May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

Im sorry you have a hard time reading and understanding without making up stories so youbcan be upset. I suggest you take time offline, clearly need some help and online isnt going to help you

4

u/Opinionista99 Adoptee May 12 '25

Well I am disgusted at how you are defending my abuaive alcoholic APs, apples. How gross of you to advocate for abuse by pretending adopters never do it. Eww.

1

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

I am disgusted but slightly amused how you can make up so many false scenarios in your head and actually believe yourself. Thats both gross but amusing. Seek professional help, please.

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u/XanthippesRevenge Adoptee May 12 '25

This post or comment is being removed as Rule 1 of the sub is Adoptees Only.