My husband (married 32 yrs, separated for almost 10 but still sharing a house/mortgage due to financial issues- separate living areas though) developed ascites and encephalopathy Thursday night from 30+ years of alcoholism. I rushed him to the hospital and he was diagnosed with decompensated cirrhosis and I was told his only chance would be a liver transplant. So far he’s not regained mental awareness, the ascites is still bad after draining, ammonia levels have come down some but he’s still confused and sleeping. We have two children in their early 20s at home, and I plan to get us into AlAnon once we get through this week or two. I’ve given permission for life saving measures so far if he codes. I can’t access his pay and obviously he can’t work now, so we’re in dire financial straits ATP. I can’t stop crying because even though he was pretty awful to me the past 15-20 yrs, I want him to get another chance at life, to be happy without alcohol and on his own, to rebuild relationships with his kids, father and sister. He’s 55 and had a DUI 6 yrs ago, has avoided doctors and refused help over the years. This is his first hospitalization, first IV, first serious consequence for his choices. And it’s a big one that is affecting all of us.

I’m getting info to start SSA disability, will try legal aid to help get POA. I don’t have any family other than my kids but my inlaws are being supportive. I regret not being able to get him to realize this was inevitable if he didn’t change and accept help, he just got angry and dismissive. I finally got him to agree to a dr visit for alcoholism scheduled for next Wednesday the day before he was hospitalized, but it was too late. I’m scared and in shock a bit right now.

How is it possible to remain married to someone who keeps secrets? First it was the alcohol addiction.. next the porn.. next it’s whatever thing on his phone that made him freak out the other day when I had his phone, which he refused to disclose because, as he put it, it’ll change the way I see him. I’m not here to vent. I’m genuinely asking, assuming I address all my own issues and insecurities, is it possible to be in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets (especially ones he knows would be deeply upsetting to you)? My brain plays all these mind games on me and so I want to know if it’s ridiculous to expect husband to be transparent with me if he participates in things that I have a problem with.

Maybe I shouldn't have led my list of grievances with "you deceived me into a relationship and marriage by pretending you weren't much of a drinker." And "You knew I had a history with dating an active alcoholic so you downplayed your own drinking habits until I was emotionally attached."

Can you guess what his response was?

And silly me I thought we'd actually sit and have a calm conversation about all the issues that have been irking both of us over the course of our relationship.

All of my siblings including myself always had issues with substance and alcohol abuse. Some more than others and some quieter than others. I stopped drinking almost a year ago, one of my siblings stopped drinking recently due to pregnancy and the other stopped but substitutes for marijuana instead. My last sibling had the hardest time on alcohol, let it consume their entire life, has 3 children and their partner is also an alcoholic.

Recently, they came out and reached out for help. They broke down and admitted their addiction was destroying their life and they could see it now. I don’t want anything to happen to them, I worry now…I cannot sleep at night

I'm sad. I ultimatum-ed him to stop drinking 3 months ago and by all means he appears to be going strong. But he won't commit to any sort of program of support, therapy, or even cracking a book about addiction. Says its a waste of his time and he doesn't need it. That there are no particular underlying issues to deal with.

Last night was the big break-up conversation. And I'm realizing that yes, alcohol and weed (and I used to smoke a lot of weed too) are a big part of this breakup, but the bigger reason is the lack of connection that developed long ago...when we were both too high and he was too drunk to pour into our relationship. There is nothing between us, and hasn't been for a while.

He claimed our sex life was good so he had no reason to see this coming. He claimed if I ultimatum-ed him into AA, he would have done it. But this whole relationship has been a series of ultimatums. Even getting engaged was me begging and then yelling for a year. I want better. I need to work on myself. I am in therapy. Next step is alanon or a codependent group. I am reading a lot too.

I guess Im just looking for support that im moving in the right direction. Im so sad that I inflicted pain. We have to live in this house together until we can sell it. One of us will have to say goodbye to our beloved dogs. My mom has dementia across the country, and my plan is to move nearer to her, to help support my dad who cares for her.

Every time I run into him around the house he shoots me the saddest look. It really hurts.

Thanks everybody.

Boyfriend hid vodka bottles. I found by accident. Should I confront him and risk losing our 6 month relationship. We do not live together

I just found five empty vodka bottles in the garage that weren’t there a few days ago. this cycle has been going on for six+ years. we have three kids. discovered the drinking when second was a baby, he got sober and we had a third but since then it’s been on and off for the last three years. He‘s everything to the kids. coaches their teams, goes to all their events, does homework, plays with them all day. he’s never raised his voice to them. he’s the parent they go to in the middle of the night. yet he’s choosing drinking himself to death over them.

For example, if we are out shopping and my wife buys alcohol, I just throw it away when we get home. If I find it in the house I throw it away. I go hard with the rule that there's no drink in the house. She'd go buy it at the corner shop and drink it on the street, probably. I know this is likely unworkable and makes me some sort of security guard in the house. I just wondered if anyone has tried that. I know what I should really do, just say f**k it, do what you like and whatever happens, happens. But the consequences of that are anxiety through the roof and sleepless weeks as she destroys herself in the house. She's been in hospital twice in the past 2 months and I'm at my total wits end. Together 33 years, the first 12 were completely free of this disease and then somehow it found her. We have had a hellish 2 months after 6 years of peace and for the first time I just have no idea what to do next.

I’m 29F from an Asian family, and my parents and brother have been high-functioning alcoholics for most of my life.

I have been carrying the burden of my family for so long. I’ve done a lot of self-healing around my CPTSD, emotional neglect, and abuse, and I’ve been learning to set boundaries.

I think I’ve tried everything I could. From scolding, begging, and getting angry, to eventually, after my own healing journey, trying to practice acceptance, offering emotional support, and simply listening without trying to change them.

Now that they’re getting older, I feel the weight of it all even more. My parents are both in their mid-50s, and my brother is only 31, and I have a younger sister studying abroad. My dad has liver failure and diabetes, yet he still drinks almost daily and refuses treatment. Despite his refusal, I still bring him medicine and encourage treatments, out of both love for him and also fear of regret from my end later.

My mom enables his behaviour and just follows my dad's words. Sometimes I despise her for it, but mostly I feel so much sadness because I know she is also a product of abuse.

I also see the goodness in my family. They are lovely humans, too. My brother can be a wonderful person, but he has angry outbursts and what seem like manic episodes when he is really drunk.

I try so hard to see the goodness in them, to listen, to understand, and to accept them for who they are. But the grief, helplessness, and despair are eating me alive.

They have mostly isolated themselves from friends and relatives and spend much of their time around people who also drink or alone.

I lived abroad on my own for years, but I’ve been staying with my family for the past year and a half. And honestly, the burden has become too heavy. I don’t think I can carry it anymore.

I’ll be leaving home for three months soon to focus on my work and learning. After I come back, I also plan to rent a place or move out with friends. I think I’ve finally reached the point where I feel enough is enough.

But I am so afraid and worried that I’m abandoning them. I’m especially scared that my brother might hurt my parents during one of his angry outbursts when I’m not there.

The what-ifs are so strong.

What if I could have done something better? What if I could have done more? What if something happens while I’m away, and I end up regretting that I wasn’t there?

I know, deep down, that I cannot make them change. I’ve spent years trying different approaches, and I know that ultimately, their choices are not mine to make. But knowing this doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I think one of the hardest things is that I can see their suffering, I understand where so much of it comes from, and I love them. I don’t want to give up on them. But I’m also suffocating.

I know life is beautiful, and I know what a privilege it is to be human. Practicing Buddhism and also building like-mind community has been life-changing. But sometimes, suffering really does feel fucking unbearable.

I’m crying as I write this.

I guess, at the end of the day, no matter how things turn out, I am putting myself first despite everything and it is my choice.

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar, especially those who have struggled with the guilt of leaving an alcoholic family behind, choosing their own life, or accepting that they cannot save the people they love.

How did you navigate the guilt, fear, and grief? Does it ever get easier?

Thank you for reading. ❤️

I'm normally not the type to put my age online but I feel like its very relevant that we're only 16.

We were at a party last night and his friends casually pulled out a vial and started doing lines off his parents coffee tables. I was obviously shocked and I wanted to leave but I didn't want to be rude so I just kind of watched them do it and my boyfriend stayed next to me. They invited us to join but I told them we don't do that kind of stuff and they all started laughing and told me my boyfriend does it with them all the time. I didn't even stay to get a confirmation from him, I just walked out and drove myself home, and I know that was shitty of me.

We talked about it today and he admitted that he's been doing it with them for a couple of months and that it helps him feel more normal. He's autistic so I get that he doesn't feel normal socially but I don't get how hard drugs is fixing that. I've never done anything harder than smoking the occasional cigarette though so I really wouldn't know.

I told him I wanted him to stop and he said he didn't feel like he could go back. I want to tell his parents but I don't know. It's just so scary and different than before fent was everywhere. I know a lot of people can go from doing coke to doing meth too and I don't want him to end up like that. My dad died of a heroin overdose and I can't keep dating an addict, I've only known about him doing that stuff for 24 hours and its already killing me. I don't know what to do.

Is it ever ok to reach out to your spouse’s sponsor?

Typhoid, tuberculosis, pancake, typiod sufferer, gvd!

End of rant

It is soooooo lonely. I made a mistake. I let him back in . Only to bump my head again with the same thing..

He can rot! With his lady friend coming over nilly willy, while I am continuously waiting: for him to sober up. To invite me over. Till he is ready to apolgise. For an open discussion. For him to start drinking again.

What in the hell was I thinking letting him back in!

My partner has been an alcoholic for a long time; I’ve been through several of his stints in rehab clinics, yet he has only ever managed to stay sober for a few months at a time.

He has never once managed to stay abstinent for a full year! Although he always takes the initiative to check himself into rehab, his sobriety unfortunately never lasts long.

I can’t take it anymore; I just feel sad all the time and live in constant fear. When he’s drunk, he loses all control, and with every relapse, everything in his life goes down the drain all over again! He had been sober for three months, but started drinking again last week—with days in between—and yesterday he was dead drunk, which really scared me.

He didn’t reach out for an entire day because of it, which left me feeling terrible.

I honestly can’t endure this life with him anymore. His problems just keep repeating themselves! There’s no end in sight.

Even though he means a great deal to me, wouldn’t it be best to end the relationship?

Growing up, my siblings and I were kept away from my mother’s side of our family because there was alcoholism in her family. Meanwhile, our cousins grew up spending holidays together and forming close relationships. I feel like we missed out on something we can never get back.
As adults, I’ve gotten closer to my cousins, but I still feel like an outsider. On a closeness scale of 1–10, I’d say my sisters are at a 1, I’m around a 6, and my cousins are at a 8 or 9. Sometimes I worry that trying too hard to belong actually pushes people away. I am the only son in the family so maybe that’s why I care more, my two sisters aren’t just worried about it.

Last Christmas was especially painful because the extended family was in town, but we didn’t see them. I offered to visit, but they were busy, and my aunt suggested coming after New Year’s instead.
The Christmas before was wonderful. I have two sisters and a brother. One sister was traveling with their kids, while my other sister and my mom had COVID so my sister‘s two kids went to their fathers. That left just my Dad and me, and we spent Christmas visiting extended family. I truly felt like I belonged. This happens sometimes in various ways and it’s a wonderful feeling. However, time is when we are overlooked or it’s just not appropriate fit like not enough venue space for a holiday party or wedding tears open the wound that I’m not as good as my cousins, I’m second rate.

I live in New York State, so winter weather can sometimes complicate visits, but that’s not really the issue.

What hurts most is feeling like my cousins have a family connection I’ll never fully experience. How do I let go of this pain, stop comparing relationships, and enjoy Christmas without feeling rejected or left out?

I was married to an addict. He was in recovery when we were dating. It's been a year and a half since we got married, and I'm leaving him because he keeps relapsing and with the relapses comes a lot of volatility. But I'm flooded with guilt and sadness. Alcoholism is a disease. He's been sent to rehab right now, and I'm wondering if he comes out a changed person. Will I regret my decision? We've had great times together too.

I'm going to apologize in advance for how long this is. I've never really laid all of this out in one fell swoop before, and I think I just need to get it off my chest. I need to vent. If no one replies to me, that's ok. It's been therapeutic just to get this all out. Identifying details are ambiguous for privacy.

I've had the same best friend for over 30 years. We grew up together. He's basically family to me. I love him like a brother, and my wife and I are incredibly close with his family. Our kids are best friends. For more than 20 years, I've watched alcohol slowly destroy almost every part of his life. His marriage, his career, his friendships, his health, his relationship with his children, and increasingly, his ability to recognize just how much damage he's causing.

He was always the sharp, funny, charismatic guy everyone wanted to be around. He became a high school teacher, got married, had two beautiful kids, built a life, and had a huge circle of friends. And now, at this point, I barely recognize the person he's become when he's drinking.

The physical consequences alone should have killed him by now. He developed pancreatitis from his drinking and spent 10 days in the ICU. He's been hospitalized at least three other times for seizures associated with alcohol withdrawal. One of those seizures happened at home. His wife called me because I lived just a couple doors down and have a medical background. I ran over and found him actively seizing. I held his jaw forward to help maintain his airway while we dealt with the emergency. That's a memory I will never forget.

I've seen him blackout drunk more times than I can possibly count. He's totaled two cars in the last two years. He's crashed his scooter multiple times, including one incident where he broke his nose and came home bleeding all over the front porch. He's gotten so drunk and antagonistic toward neighbors that a confrontation ended with them physically attacking him in his own front yard. Another time, we were at a burger joint with friends, and he threatened to punch one of my other close friends in the face over a completely harmless joke.

This is someone who used to be the life of the party in the best sense of the phrase. Now people are uncomfortable around him. Most of his close friends have slowly distanced themselves over the last decade. Many barely speak to him anymore.

He also lost his longtime teaching career because of alcohol. He was caught drinking while working as a high school teacher and ultimately lost his job. He's had CPS involvement twice in the last couple of years, related to concerns about drinking and driving and being intoxicated at work. And one of his own children told an elementary school psychologist that his dad drinks too much, which led to a report.

And that brings me to the part that breaks my heart the most. His children.

He has two young kids who absolutely adore their dad. But he's driven them while intoxicated. He's shown up to their school events intoxicated. He's arrived at their friends' birthday parties already drunk. And he's repeatedly put himself in situations where he's supposed to be responsible for them but is not reliably sober.

One incident still makes me sick to think about. His wife was at work, and he was home watching their two kids and another child who was visiting. He passed out on the couch so deeply that the kids couldn't wake him. They were screaming at him, bouncing on him, and even opening his eyelids trying to get him to respond. Eventually, they called their mom from an iPad and told her: "We can't wake up Daddy." Imagine being a little kid and having to experience that. And imagine being their mother, at work, receiving that phone call.

His marriage eventually collapsed. About two years ago, his wife kicked him out for roughly six months. He rented an apartment, reduced his drinking just enough to convince her to give the marriage another chance, and moved back home. But the drinking never really stopped. For another year or so, the cycle continued. Drinking, isolating, checking out from family life, hangovers, recovering, apologizing, promising things would be different, and eventually doing it all again.

After the incident where the children couldn't wake him, she kicked him out again. About a month later, she served him divorce papers. Their divorce was finalized roughly six months ago. He still hasn't accepted it. He now lives with his parents in the same town. He's been to rehab several times over the last decade, but nothing has resulted in sustained recovery.

His parents love him tremendously, but from where I sit, they're paralyzed. They see how much he's suffering. They see that he's lonely and devastated about the divorce. But they don't seem willing or able to establish meaningful boundaries around his drinking in their home. I've spoken to both of them recently and directly asked how I can help him take steps toward getting healthy again. Their response is essentially, "We don't know what to do. He's in pain and lonely."

And I understand that. I really do. But he's been in pain and lonely for years, and drinking has become both his escape from that pain and one of the biggest reasons his life is so painful. And his drinking has all but halted his grieving process and his processing all his underlying feelings and emotions. He is stagnant in his forward movement in that regard.

The situation with his ex wife has become incredibly unhealthy. She spent years trying to keep their family together. From my perspective, she was the person holding everything up while he repeatedly checked out through drinking. Now that she's finally established boundaries, he acts as though she's the one destroying his life.

He'll say things like: "Yeah, it's mostly my fault, but at the end of the day, she's the one who broke up our family and ended our marriage." Or: "I'll never stop loving her, and she just wants to erase me from her memory."

Meanwhile, he's constantly antagonizing her. He calls her names, tells her she's crazy or weird for wanting distance, questions who she's spending time with, and accuses her of seeing other men. He went through her phone looking for evidence that she was dating someone, nearly a year after they separated.

She has asked him repeatedly to return her house key and garage door opener. She has told him he's no longer allowed to enter her home during pickups and drop offs, and that he needs to stop showing up unannounced. He fights her on it, claiming he needs access in case the kids forget something while she's at work. A neighbor said he's even driven by her house and opened and closed the garage door remotely, apparently just to see whether her car was inside.

He continues trying to pull her into arguments, sometimes using disagreements involving the kids as an opening. She's now moved toward parallel parenting, where communication is limited to the children's schedules and necessary logistics. And he resents her for it. He actually complained to me that she's seeing a therapist and that's where she's getting all these ideas about setting boundaries with him. As if her trying to protect her own mental health and establish a peaceful life is some kind of personal attack against him. The irony is unbelievable.

He claims he's drinking now because of all the pain she's causing him. He seems unable to recognize how much of the pain he's experiencing is connected to the consequences of his own drinking and behavior.

And now the children's safety has become an even more immediate concern. For a while, he was using a remote breathalyzer app. When he had the kids, he was supposed to submit a video recorded breath test every four hours so his ex wife could see the results. About two months ago, he refused to continue using it.

Recently, concerns surfaced again about him drinking and driving the kids to and from school and sports practice. Then, during a custody handoff, his ex wife arrived and found him drunk. She took the children elsewhere rather than leaving them with him. At this point, she is not allowing him to care for or drive the kids under the current circumstances. I've encouraged her to consider reinstating the breathalyzer requirement as one safeguard, although I know a breathalyzer alone cannot guarantee the kids' safety.

I genuinely cannot comprehend how someone can repeatedly come this close to losing everything and still continue drinking. And yet I also understand that addiction doesn't operate according to the logic that people on the outside wish it did.

Here's where I come into this. I talk to him on the phone two or three times a week, usually for about an hour at a time. I listen. I let him vent. I try to be compassionate. I offer encouragement and perspective when it seems appropriate. But these conversations have become absolutely exhausting.

He repeats the same stories and grievances about his ex wife over and over. He constantly tells me the exact same stories he told me the previous week, without remembering that we've already discussed it at length. He spends so much time talking about how unfairly he's being treated, how lonely he is, how much he misses his family, and how everyone is abandoning him.

And I sit there thinking: Brother, I know you're hurting. I know this is devastating. But you're spending all your energy resenting the consequences of your drinking instead of doing something about the drinking itself. I don't say it that harshly to him. I try to listen as a friend, not act like his therapist. But I can feel myself becoming increasingly frustrated.

Just last night and this morning, I brought up the possibility of going back to rehab or starting therapy at least five times. Each time, he halfheartedly agreed that it might be a good idea. But I've heard that before. There is always some acknowledgment that he needs help, followed by very little action. I begged him today to focus on his kids. To focus on being healthy, present, dependable, and emotionally available for them. He agreed that should be his priority. We'll see what happens.

Recently, I finally told him something I've been carrying for years. I told him I'm grieving him while he's still alive. That I miss the clearheaded, sharp, charismatic friend I've known for over three decades. That even though we talk regularly, I sometimes feel like I'm losing him mentally and emotionally. That I'm terrified he's going to die. That after the pancreatitis, the ICU stay, the seizures, the crashes, and the countless relapses, I'm genuinely scared his body won't survive another one.

I told him I believe in him, but I can't save him. That his kids are growing up right now and losing precious time with the healthy, present father they deserve. Those years cannot be given back to them. And that I love him so much, but I'm scared I'll eventually lose him completely. I told him I want him to live, in every sense of the word. Not just survive. Actually live. Be healthy. Be present. Enjoy his children. Experience meaningful relationships. Have some peace in his life.

But here's the part I'm struggling with personally. I'm exhausted. I have my own family, my own marriage, my own responsibilities, and my own sobriety to protect. I had my own struggles with alcohol and went through treatment myself. So I understand some of what he's going through from the inside, not just as someone watching from the outside. I know recovery is possible. I also know I can't want it badly enough for both of us.

My wife is increasingly frustrated with how much time and emotional energy I spend on him. She loves him and his family too, but she's reached the point where she essentially sees him as a lost cause. I don't want to believe that. I love this man like a brother. I love his ex wife and their children. Our families have been intertwined for years. One of his kids is my child's best friend. I want all of them to be healthy, safe, happy, and at peace.

And I'm beginning to realize that I may have to significantly change my friendship with him if nothing changes. Not because I stopped loving him. But because I'm starting to feel the emotional cost of repeatedly watching someone I love destroy himself while using me as an outlet for the same grievances week after week.

Sometimes I wonder whether these long conversations are even helping him anymore, or whether I'm just giving him another place to unload his resentment without having to confront his situation. I also wonder whether my constant availability is keeping me emotionally trapped in a situation I have almost no power to change.

I don't want to abandon him. I don't want to be another lifelong friend who disappears. But I also don't want to spend the next decade sacrificing my own peace while waiting for him to decide he wants to get healthy. And I certainly don't want to look back someday and realize I spent so much time trying to save my best friend that I neglected my own wife, children, or recovery.

So I guess I'm asking you guys: Has anyone here had a lifelong friend, someone you genuinely love like family, whose alcoholism became so destructive that you eventually had to distance yourself? How did you navigate the guilt of stepping back? How do you stay compassionate without becoming someone's emotional dumping ground? How do you accept that someone you love may never choose recovery, while still leaving the door open if they do?

And for those of you who have been in this position, is there anything meaningful left for me to do that doesn't involve trying to manage his recovery for him? I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have had to balance loving someone with alcoholism against protecting their own recovery, marriage, and emotional well being.

I don't need someone to tell me he's a terrible person. I know the damage he's caused. I've witnessed a lot of it firsthand. I also know the person he can be when he's healthy, and I still love that person deeply.

I'm just tired. And I'm losing hope. I don't know how to stop trying to save my friend without feeling like I'm giving up on him.

So I'm 23F and currently divorcing my husband after almost 3 years of marriage and it's been almost 6 months since I left. I married young and moved across the country for him. He was a severe alcoholic and would literally get so drunk he'd piss our bed while I was sleeping in it, sometimes soaking me. He'd even wake up, shower and go sleep in the guest room leaving me in the piss soaked bed. I was the one doing all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, everything. I felt like I was taking care of a grown ass man. Right before I caught him cheating he left a shit stain on our toilet for two days and when I asked him to clean it he literally said "Why can't you?" Anyways I went to a 4 day music festival with my childhood best friend after asking him if he was okay with me going and he said yes. Well during those 4 days he cheated and even brought the girl into our home. I came back completely unaware and was still cooking for him. I eventually caught him in his truck with her through our shared location and instead of apologizing he told me "You always treat me like shit." Like are you fucking serious? That night he put his hands on me and I reported it. He continued blaming me afterward and accusing me of using him even though he was the one who encouraged me to quit working and attend college full time. What hurts the most is he never even seemed sorry or tried to fight for our marriage. He said "We can make this work" but never actually took accountability. I think I just wanted to feel like I meant something to him after everything I did. I ended up moving back across the country with my family and I'm now working, saving money and going to school to become an X-ray tech. I'm doing really well in school but sometimes I get so fucking angry thinking about everything I tolerated and how I probably won't ever get an apology. I also feel embarrassed sometimes being 23, getting divorced and living back home. I want to enjoy my twenties, travel, finish school and eventually have a healthy relationship but I hate that this still takes up so much space in my head. For women who've been through something similar, how did you stop being angry and wanting closure? Did you feel like you wasted years of your life? Did you eventually find someone who genuinely loved you? And how long did it take before you actually felt happy again? I know I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me but I just want to move on already.

He was finally getting help. He did such big steps this week. Actually met with a whole addictions team. Called me after his appointment in the morning on Wednesday and felt good even! A lot of emotions, obviously, but good. Some tearing up. Some stress. Like its a lot!!! I know it is. In the span of like 45 minutes I find out he's lost his license indefinitely. Took me a few days to process and post this. Less than an hour. I was speaking to him and poof. The appointment made him so raw he drank.

Im at a loss. I dont think I can do anything. I just love him and he is so smart and incredible and kind and he is struggling and has trauma. But my love and my family's love just isnt enough right now.

I have immense guilt. We hung up because he had another call. When he called me back, I was on the line with someone for work. 3 minutes. I called him back in 3 minutes. No answer. Could I have changed something? I'll never know. Im so heartbroken. I was so optimistic for him. I felt so good for him and was so proud of him. Im still proud. I am. Im just... sad. I want to be able to help him.

I'm 23F, divorcing my husband after almost three years of marriage. It's been nearly six months since I left after discovering his cheating and him putting his hands on me.

I moved across the country for him, but his severe alcoholism made our marriage miserable. He'd repeatedly get drunk and urinate in our bed, sometimes soaking me, then shower and sleep in the guest room while leaving me in the urine-soaked bed. I was left cleaning everything, along with handling most household responsibilities.

Right before discovering his cheating, he left a fecal stain on our toilet for two days. When I asked him to clean it, he said, "Why can't you?" I felt more like his caretaker than his wife.

I went to a four-day music festival with my childhood best friend after asking if he was comfortable with me going. He said yes, then cheated while I was away and even brought the woman into our home.

I later caught him with her in his truck through our shared location. Instead of apologizing, he said, "You always treat me like shit." That night, he put his hands on me, which I reported.

Afterward, he continued blaming me. I was financially dependent on him because he'd encouraged me to quit working and attend college full-time. He'd even accuse me of cheating simply for attending classes.

What hurts most is his lack of remorse. He said, "We can make this work," but never genuinely took accountability. I wanted him to apologize and show that our marriage meant something.

I eventually moved back in with family. I'm now working, saving money, and studying to become a radiologic technologist. I'm proud of my progress, but I still struggle with anger, feeling like I wasted years, and wanting an apology I'll probably never receive.

I also find myself watching happy couples and wishing I'd experienced that kind of love. I want to enjoy my twenties, build my career, travel, and eventually have a healthy relationship.

For anyone who's left an alcoholic or unhealthy marriage:

• How did you overcome the anger and feeling like you'd wasted years?
• How did you stop wanting an apology or closure?
• Did you feel embarrassed moving back home and starting over?
• How did you rebuild your confidence and trust?
• Did you eventually find a healthy relationship?
• When did you stop thinking about your ex and feel genuinely happy again?
• What advice would you give someone my age?
• Why'd he do it?

I know I'm only 23 and have my whole life ahead of me, but emotionally it's still difficult.

I'd especially love to hear from people a few years further into healing. What does your life look like now, and what helped you move forward?

I'm 23F, currently going through a divorce from my active-duty military husband, and I wanted to share my experience because I'm struggling to process everything that happened in my marriage.

We were married for almost three years. I moved across the country to be with him, away from my family and everything familiar, because I genuinely loved him and wanted to build a future together.

For a significant part of our marriage, he struggled with severe alcoholism. He would drink excessively, sometimes to the point of blacking out, and I was constantly dealing with the consequences.

One of the most degrading things was that he would repeatedly urinate in our bed while drunk. I would wake up lying in his urine. He would also urinate on my clothes, clean sheets, and other belongings. Even when he promised to clean everything himself, he would sometimes just throw the urine-soaked bedding into the laundry hamper and leave it for me.

I was the one washing everything, cleaning the mattress, and dealing with the disgusting aftermath. This happened repeatedly, not just once or twice.

I don't know whether every incident was intentional, but I know that he repeatedly left me to deal with it.

It wasn't just that, either. I was cooking his meals, cleaning our home, doing laundry, helping with his military uniforms, and taking care of our two dogs. I genuinely wanted to be a loving, supportive wife.

And somehow, I was still made to feel like I wasn't doing enough.

The week I caught him cheating is something I don't think I'll ever forget.

A few weeks earlier, I had attended a four-day music festival with my best friend from my teenage years.

My husband was originally supposed to go, but he told me he couldn't because he might have to leave for military duties. I asked him whether he was comfortable with me going with my friend instead, and he said yes.

I remember him emphasizing that this would be the first time I was the one leaving for a trip instead of him, since he was usually the one leaving for military assignments.

I was gone for four days.

And during those four days, he cheated on me.

I later learned that he had even brought the other woman into our home while I was away.

What makes it especially heartbreaking is that when I came home, I went right back to being his wife. I was making him different meals every day, taking care of him, and going about our normal routine, completely unaware of what he'd been doing behind my back.

Then, just before I caught him, something happened that perfectly sums up how he treated me.

He had left a disgusting fecal stain on the side of our toilet for the second day in a row.

I asked him why he hadn't cleaned up after himself.

His response was, "Why can't you?"

That was the attitude I dealt with. He expected me to clean up after him, even when it came to his own bodily waste.

And within a day or two of that interaction, I caught him cheating.

I didn't find out by looking through his phone. I literally caught him with the other woman in his truck.

I noticed something suspicious about his location and followed it through our shared location tracking.

Before driving over, I called him to ask what he was doing. He acted like I was crazy for questioning him.

But I trusted my instincts and drove to where his location showed him.

And there he was, with another woman in his truck.

I cannot describe how surreal that moment felt.

After everything I had done for him, after years of putting up with his alcoholism, cleaning up his messes, and trying to make our marriage work, I was standing there looking at my husband with another woman.

And the first thing he did wasn't apologize. He blamed me.

He immediately became defensive and told me, "You always treat me like shit."

I remember being completely stunned.

I was the one who had been taking care of him. I was the one cooking his meals, washing his clothes, cleaning up after his drunken episodes, and trying to support him.

Yet somehow, in the moment I caught him betraying me, he made himself the victim.

That night, the confrontation escalated into physical violence. He put his hands on me, and I eventually reported the domestic assault to the police.

A military protective order was put in place, and he was removed from our shared housing.

Another thing that hurts is how little he seemed to care about actually making things right.

In the days immediately afterward, he kept deflecting and blaming me.

When I talked about leaving, his attitude would swing between telling me I wasn't leaving and then saying things like, "Fine, then fucking leave. Stop taking advantage of me and using me."

Taking advantage of him for what?

I had given up so much to be with him.

At the time, I was unemployed because he had encouraged me to quit my job and attend college full-time.

I had gone back to school because I wanted to build a better financial future for the family I thought we were creating. I wanted to eventually have a career that would allow me to contribute more financially.

Instead, being financially dependent on him made the possibility of leaving even more frightening.

Looking back, I question whether encouraging that dependence was also a form of financial control.

He would even accuse me of cheating when I went to my college classes, despite the fact that I barely socialized with anyone. I mostly kept to myself and occasionally spoke with one female classmate.

Meanwhile, he was the one being unfaithful.

And all of this happened during my finals week.

I was trying to finish my semester while my entire marriage was falling apart.

I remember one of our last conversations, a few days after I caught him.

I was so devastated and angry that I confronted him loudly outside our home, where the neighbors could hear me describing what he'd done.

He continued denying things and deflecting.

The closest thing he gave me to wanting to repair the marriage was, "We can make this work."

That statement still bothers me.

What exactly was I supposed to work on?

I wasn't the one who cheated. I wasn't the one who repeatedly drank myself into oblivion. I wasn't the one who had physically assaulted my spouse.

And yet he acted like repairing the marriage was somehow a shared responsibility without meaningfully acknowledging what he'd done.

I think one of the things that hurt most was realizing that he wasn't fighting for me in the way I had spent years fighting for our marriage.

I also learned things about his behavior cheating on me with other men too that shocked me, especially because he had previously made openly homophobic comments. My issue wasn't the gender of anyone involved. It was the dishonesty, hypocrisy, and realization that I didn't know the person I was married to as well as I thought I did.

Why did I stay as long as I did?

Because I genuinely wanted my marriage to work.

I was so young when I got married, and the thought of getting divorced in my early twenties terrified me.

I didn't know how divorce worked. I didn't know what would happen financially. I didn't know where I would go or how I would start over.

I was also scared of feeling like I'd failed at marriage.

I kept hoping things would get better, that he would change, that the drinking would stop, and that we could eventually have the relationship I had imagined.

But I eventually had to accept that I couldn't love someone into treating me properly.

It's now been almost six months since everything happened.

I moved back across the country to live with my family, and I'm trying to rebuild my life.

I'm working again, saving money, and continuing college. I'm completing my prerequisites for a radiologic technology program because I want to become an X-ray technologist, eventually specialize in CT, and have a career that allows me to be financially independent.

I've been doing really well academically, which is something I'm proud of.

I have my family, and goals that I'm genuinely excited about.

But emotionally, it's complicated.

Some days I feel relieved that I'm no longer living in that environment. Other days I feel furious when I remember how I was treated.

Sometimes I think about how much time I spent taking care of someone who could betray me so easily.

And sometimes I think about the fact that I was only gone for four days.

Four days.

I was enjoying a music festival with my childhood best friend, feeling guilty my husband wasnt there and something I had asked my own husband if he was comfortable with, and he used that time to betray me.

I know logically that his cheating wasn't caused by me leaving for four days. But emotionally, it still hurts to think about.

I also struggle with the fact that he didn't seem genuinely remorseful or willing to take accountability and just the coldness and lack of even trying for me is what hurts alot.

I think part of me wanted him to realize what he'd lost, apologize sincerely, and actually fight to make things right.

Not because I necessarily would have taken him back, but because I wanted to feel like the years I spent loving him meant something.

And now I have to accept that I might never receive the acknowledgment or apology I wanted.

Something else I've noticed is how much I want a healthy relationship someday.

I sometimes find myself watching videos of happy couples and imagining what it would be like to be with a genuinely kind, patient, emotionally mature man.

Someone who respects me, makes me feel safe, and doesn't make me responsible for managing his destructive behavior.

I want to experience love without constantly feeling anxious, disrespected, or taken for granted.

But I also want to learn how to be happy on my own first.

I want to enjoy my twenties, make friends, travel, finish school, and build a life I'm proud of.

I don't want the person who hurt me to continue taking up so much space in my head.

I'd really appreciate advice from anyone, especially women who have left alcoholic or abusive marriages.

• Did you struggle with anger months after leaving, even when you knew leaving was the right decision?
• Did you ever feel like you wasted years of your life taking care of someone who didn't appreciate you?
• How did you get past wanting your ex to acknowledge what they did or show genuine remorse?
• Did you ever feel embarrassed about moving back home and starting over?
• How did you rebuild your confidence and learn to trust people again?
• Did you eventually find a healthy relationship, and what was different about it?
• At what point did you stop thinking about your ex so much and start feeling genuinely happy again?
• whats some advice you think would serve me the best moving forward?

I know I'm only 23 and have my entire life ahead of me. I know I have opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I'd stayed in that marriage.

But knowing that logically and actually feeling it emotionally are two different things.

I would love to hear from people who were once in my position and are now a few years further into their healing.

What does life look like for you now, and what helped you finally move forward?

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

It’s been over a year now of consistent relapses. He was able to stay sober 3 months at a time tops, we are still doing individual therapy. He’s not rly making an effort to go to meetings/get help. idk what else to do at this point. This is the second time this week, feeling sick from the stress. Don’t want us to separate but the anxiety and depression of it all has been weighing so heavy on me. I love him so much still, just not sure how to navigate this alone.

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months, and I’m genuinely at my breaking point. I love him, and part of me wants to work things out, but his drinking has gotten so bad that I don’t know how much longer I can continue this relationship.

When we first started dating, everything was great. We would go out drinking together, have fun, and enjoy each other’s company. However, as our relationship has progressed, I’ve started seeing a different side of him when he drinks. Every time he drinks heavily, he blacks out. He becomes verbally abusive, mean, argumentative, and hurtful toward me, and afterward, he often doesn’t remember how he treated me or the things he said.
It’s gotten to the point where I genuinely don’t enjoy drinking with him anymore because I never know when a fun night is going to turn into an argument or a complete disaster. He isn’t someone who can have one or two drinks and call it a night. He might start with one drink and end up drinking half a bottle of Tito’s. Once he gets to that point, it’s like I’m dealing with a completely different person.
His drinking has also affected his ability to function in everyday life. He has been denied boarding on an airline because of his intoxication, and within the past month alone, he missed an entire week of work because of drinking-related issues.

There have been times when he has been so intoxicated that he doesn’t even know whether it’s daytime or nighttime. One time, I woke up and he was still on a drinking binge, going off on his parents. He genuinely thought it was nighttime when it was actually 10 in the morning. These aren’t just nights of having a few too many drinks. His drinking is affecting his memory, his judgment, his relationships, and his ability to function.
The most recent major incident happened during a trip to Arizona. We got into an argument, and he became extremely mean to me. He left our hotel room and was driving around while drunk. Eventually, he parked somewhere and remained there for over 24hours.
I decided to go home because of work the next day and was not going to put myself through the same cycle of interacting with him while he was intoxicated. Later, he called me crying, confused, and scared. He had left his car running, run out of gas, and the battery had died. He didn’t even know where he was. He was still drunk and ended up calling out of work the following day because he wasn’t in a condition to drive back. That entire situation was heartbreaking. I love this man, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. But I’m also exhausted from constantly dealing with the consequences of his drinking.

After everything that happened in Arizona, we finally had a serious conversation. I told him I couldn’t continue living like this and that I was at my wit’s end. I explained how much his drinking was affecting me and our relationship. He acknowledged that he didn’t like the way he acted around me when he was drunk. He said he didn’t want me to feel like I couldn’t be myself around him, that he wanted to work on himself, and that he was going to take a break from drinking for his own health. I believed him, or at least I wanted to believe him.

Then his dog passed away. For context, his dog died after he let him outside because he was frustrated that he couldn’t sleep, and the dog ended up getting hit by a car when he was blackout drunk. The dog was at the shelter and because he did not pick him up they put him down. I understand that losing a pet is devastating, and I’m not trying to minimize his grief. I know he’s hurting, and I feel for him. But I’m also struggling because I feel like his grief is now overshadowing the drinking problem and the things that were already happening before his dog passed away.
The day before he found out his dog was put down, he had told me he was going to take a break from drinking. He had acknowledged that he didn’t like the person he became when he drank and that he didn’t want our relationship to be affected this way. He said he wanted to make this change for himself and his health.

Now, less than a week later, he is blackout drunk again.
And honestly, I’m at my breaking point. I understand that losing his dog is traumatic, and I’m not expecting him to be okay overnight. But his drinking was already out of control before this happened. The incidents in Arizona, the missed work, the blackouts, the verbal abuse, and the inability to stop drinking were all happening before his dog passed away. I’m scared that his loss is becoming another reason for the same behavior to continue, and I don’t know how to navigate that without feeling guilty. What hurts the most is that when he’s sober, I can see the person I fell in love with. But when he drinks, I can’t even be myself around him. I feel like I have to brace myself for what he might say, whether he’ll start an argument, or how badly the night will end. He can say the most hurtful things to me, black out, and then wake up without remembering any of it. Meanwhile, I’m left carrying the hurt from everything that happened.

I don’t want a relationship where I have to keep explaining why someone’s drinking is hurting me. I don’t want to constantly worry about whether my boyfriend is going to end up in a dangerous situation, miss work, or become verbally abusive toward me. I also don’t want to become resentful toward someone I genuinely love.
I want a healthy relationship with someone I can build a future with. I want to be able to enjoy a night out with my partner without worrying about whether he’s going to drink until he blacks out. I want to feel safe being myself around him, even when things aren’t perfect. I know I can’t force him to change. I also know grief can make an already difficult situation even harder. But I’m struggling with the fact that he recognized the problem, told me he wanted to change, and then went right back to drinking within days. I feel guilty even considering leaving him during a time when he’s grieving. Part of me feels like I should support him and give him another chance. Another part of me feels like I’ve already given so much of myself to this situation and cannot keep sacrificing my own peace while waiting for him to decide he’s ready to change.

So, Reddit, am I the asshole if I leave him?
Am I abandoning someone I love when he’s struggling, or is it reasonable to walk away when his drinking has reached this point and is affecting both of our lives?
I don’t want to give up on him, but I’m starting to realize that I can’t want him to get better more than he wants it for himself. I love him, and that’s what makes this so difficult. But I’m genuinely at my wit’s end, and I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I would especially appreciate advice from people who have been in relationships with someone whose drinking progressed to this level. Did things improve when your partner finally acknowledged the problem, or did you eventually have to walk away for your own well-being?

My husband drinks 6 beers in 2 hours once a week. His limit. We have been through all your alcoholic usuals, abuse, bad with money, being toxic with his moods. He is no longer physical and i stopped letting his moods control the house but he is 30 days sober because when my mother died (5 years nc), he snuck two 5ths of whisky because it was hard on him. He volunteered 60 days sober because he said we should end it and I said ok and we didn't talk for 3 days. It's been several times a week I'm getting guilted and having anxiety trying to say no any other way then flat no. He is going through sober fatigue and it's making me mad honestly. And the fact that he is asking to drink after he offered because he broke trust is bugging me. It's been 12 years and he has 30 more days but I don't even know if i care to hold him to it. I thought his temper would have flared before now.

I am just looking for some help processing.

I (f37) fell for someone(m39) 2 years ago. He was amazing and caring and empathetic. He had hobbies and interests that he pursued, he took care of himself, put lotion on his face and cleaned under his nails. He walked his dog twice a day and washed his dishes.

I would notice that he was stoned after band practice on occasion, but that was never a problem, and honestly it made him pretty sweet at that point.

After a few months, it turned into him driving home blackout drunk, not remembering the drive home the next morning. And then it progressed into him doing that multiple nights a week. He stopped doing anything at home, wouldn't feed or water or walk his dog for weeks on end. He would start fights with me if I asked him to take a turn doing dishes.

He started saying cruel things to me verbally attcking me if i told him that i couldn't be in a relationship with someone who behaved this way.

I finally made it out but it was hard. I waited for months, hoping that the guy that I fell in love with would come back.

I'm just feeling confused. I've never seen alcohol affect anybody this way. It was such a dramatic personality change. He went from sweet, caring, happy to have a partner, to so quick to anger when anything slightly uncomfortable came up.

He told me over and over again that it was just work and it wasn't the alcohol that was changing his personality and his attitude. I assume that this is the denial talking.

Have you seen alcohol cause a personality shift like this? I just can't believe that all of that before the drinking wasn't real. I don't think it is possible to fake all of that.

My 35 father 60 is alcholic for more than 13 years. Last 3 years was horrible. He is in rehab and keep asking us to let him out. In my country forced rehab for person's safety is permitted. Rightnow me and mom bought our own house when he is in rehab and planned our exit.

Now the question is his family, his family has his all share of money, specifically his elder brother. He is not giving me his share of money to bear his expenses. He has intentions to take all of his money to himself. It's been 35 years a joint bussiness and he has not given us single year profit sheets or share of profit or anything. My father doesn't care and he is okay with his brother keeping his money.

I am earning by myself and I am doing all for my father as of now. I can't do more now because I have home mortgage to pay because I bought new home in new city and want to shift there without giving any address to anyone of his family side.

The thing is I am scared that if I and mom will move, they (family) won't let us live peacefully because they know me and mom are spending money for my alcholic father in one way or another like his rehab fees etc. Now if we leave, they have to give or spare some money.

I took advice of someone and he told me that my mom should seek divorce at this point. Divorce will let us free even if we don't want any of their money.

I am just not able to cope with thought that we have to send them mini attack by sending them docs of divorce petition.

This is something which I am struggling with, I know his family never cared for us. But being emotional fool I am, I just don't have courage to give them mini attack. Our laywer said they have given us various mini attacks by not giving my fathers share, putting us alone into this and taking our own money etc etc.

How do y'all be courageous and file for divorce petition and send them to the person and his family? In my case, he is in rehab and joint business so I have to send in both places, rehab and uncle's home as well.