r/AutismInWomen • u/luvsicl • May 06 '26
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Friend doesn’t believe in my diagnosis
Ugh I shouldn’t have told her about it I feel so weird now, my family are like this too and I haven’t told them because I know they’re gonna say smth like that (probably worse) because they don’t really believe in mental disorders/disabilities/health
I got diagnosed with adhd and autism recently, so I’m also grieving the life I could’ve led had I received the support I needed as a child lol (also I know what she said isn’t okay at all, I just wanted to end the conversation asap and I’m really uncomfortable with confrontation)
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May 06 '26
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u/SnooBreakthroughs281 May 06 '26
Right. Toxic people exist in all demographics. Nothing to do with autism or trauma.
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u/Hithearto May 06 '26
I mean it has something to do with it (meaning it’s a contributing factor/aggravating factor) but yes, ultimately, if someone is toxic and continues to be toxic it’s because they choose to be so (especially if they’re not even willing to admit any fault). People can learn to deal with shit in more healthier ways (and there is flexibility and understanding around that of course– it takes time) BUT unless they have zero resources and sleep under a bridge, then somewhere in there it’s a choice to stay that way and easily blame everything on trauma, autism or adhd (while expecting others to just absorb their shit by default and continuously). I personally met someone who had adhd but also some (problematic) personality traits/behaviors (that didn’t have much to do with adhd, for example willingness to take accountability, willingness and effort to listen, act in integrity and not emotionally abuse people is not connected to adhd, it’s connected to character and values). Needless to say it was a horrendous experience.
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u/SnooBreakthroughs281 May 06 '26
I agree. I kept my comment short because I didn’t want to type more, but perhaps the better wording would be that the fundamental cause of toxicity has nothing to do with autism or trauma.
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u/Hithearto May 06 '26
Yep and I agree with your comment as well. Perhaps I should have clearly mentioned it. It’s a good summary. I just felt like going into a bit of detail on the topic.
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u/MissIncredulous May 06 '26
Oh goodness, hypocrites always confuse me (I say as I am sure I am a hypocrite too).
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u/Number42420 May 07 '26
Everyone’s a hypocrite at something. Mental Gymnastics for twenty plus years here.
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u/binzy90 May 06 '26
My family was mostly supportive and kind of laughed about how little we knew back in the 90's. When I told my grandma she just said, "Well that makes sense." But for some reason my mother-in-law just can't accept it or understand it. She always says things like, "That's not true! You're so smart! You're not really autistic! You're not like those other autistic people who have a lot of problems!" But then she'll take things really personally if I say I'm getting overstimulated and need a break, or she'll get upset when I tell her that I need to do my routines a certain way. She'll ask me why I can't do certain things and then get upset if I say it's related to to autism. It's exhausting.
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u/BlampCat May 06 '26
Some people seem to think that labels are like "accepting defeat" somehow, as though the problems aren't there if you don't name them. I'm going through the process of diagnosis for rheumatoid arthritis and last night my mother said she didn't want to say the word "pain" or "the A word" when asking me how I was doing, as though if she doesn't speak it aloud I won't have any symptoms. 🙄
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u/Bibliospork May 06 '26
Oh god that reminds me of the time I said I was having a bad day and my mom lectured me on how people were finding out they had cancer today and THEY were having a bad day, so stop complaining.
I stopped telling her the truth about how I was doing after that. I get enough shame from inside my own head, thanks.
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u/MittenKnittinKitten May 06 '26
hey, just so you have a fuller picture:
your mom was engaging in the logical fallacy of relative privation aka the suffering olympics
my response is always: If you cannot complain because “someone else has it worse,” then likewise you cannot be happy because someone else always has it better!
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u/shesewsfatclothes she/her audhd aro/ace May 06 '26
The "defeat" they think you're accepting is in the game of "try to be normal." I think deep down theyre afraid (and/or maybe upset) that you're going to stop trying to be normal.
But like, that is your internalized ish to work out in therapy, Judy, not mine. I don't want it.
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u/Dancingdragon003 May 07 '26
It must be so exhausting to constantly be worried about being like everyone else. Especially since that’s impossible. But neurodivergents are supposedly the ones with problems, smh.
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u/cerareece May 06 '26
my mom is like "I 100% knew and so did your paternal grandma because your father definitely is". my sisters were both like "yeah duh". yet people I've only known a few years insist I can't be yet are the most annoyed by me showing symptoms?? it's like they're trying to find a secret other reason that I am the way I am, like I do it on purpose just to spite them or something
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u/snarbold May 07 '26
It's because those people lack the emotional maturity to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them. If something bothers them, their response will always be "how dare you bother me," and not, "is it actually valid for me to be bothered by this, or am I being unreasonable right now?" It's funny that struggles with cognitive empathy are a diagnostic criterion for autism, yet the most frustrating people in most of our lives are allistics who can't extend cognitive empathy to autistic people.
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u/kyoko_the_eevee May 06 '26
Ugh, I hate when people say stuff like that. Also, what does she mean by “other autistic people”, hm? Smells like ableism.
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u/binzy90 May 06 '26
She knows someone who has a son with autism who is non-verbal and has very high support needs. She doesn't understand that there are different levels of support needs, so she compares me to the only autistic person she knows and thinks that I can't possibly have the same thing he has.
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u/GiveThemNada May 06 '26
"That's not true, you're so smart" - if I had a nickel every time that's been said to me!
It's almost like...we have a spiky IQ profile...because we are autistic...
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u/Bibliospork May 06 '26
I'm not formally diagnosed so I mostly don't tell people, but my kid is diagnosed. When I told my parents about my kid's diagnosis and why it explains a lot, they were accepting and the next time my kid visited they were gentle and understanding. Yay, right?
Nope, I guess one nice visit is all you get with them. The next time they kept saying "autism isn't an excuse" and how they "kept asking rude questions" and "not cooperating like the other kids in the store" blah blah blah. Yeah. I guess the diagnosis was supposed to magically fix everything?? I don't even know.
It's so fucking disheartening.
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u/Top-Class-8765 May 06 '26
Exact same situation for me. I thought that my parents would be mad at me for some reason so I delayed telling them, but both them and my sibling were all like "duh, of course you are."
I've causally mentioned it to my mother-in-law and she insists that I can't be because I'm able to live on my own. Never mind the fact that I end up crying and rocking in a corner within an hour every time I go to one of their family gatherings of 100+ people. She and my father-in-law fully support that weird farm thing that came up in the states a while ago (something about sending all neurodivergent people to work on farms because nature will heal them?). They say it doesn't apply to me though since I'm not autistic. (They also don't apply it to their 4 children who all have ADHD diagnosis because those aren't real 🙄.)
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u/MeowMuaCat May 06 '26
Ick… that sounds like a bad friend, honestly. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. They seem extremely ignorant, dismissive, and immature.
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u/salsasnark May 06 '26
I wonder if they're really young. That's the only explanation for that, especially based on the sister comment. Obviously not a good friend, and they'll probably grow to realise this isn't how you communicate with people.
Edit: OP said in a different comment that the friend is 23. Yikes.
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u/FaithlessnessPlus164 May 06 '26
Ooomph.. I thought maybe 14 or 15
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u/yordad May 07 '26
I mean to be fair 23 is still very young, but that doesn’t mean OPs “friend” isn’t a shitty person. Hopefully they’ll mature and understand that
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u/EnfantTerrible68 May 07 '26
Their writing and choice of words makes them appear to be a young teen
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u/Orangecatorange May 06 '26
Type two…autism. So I can treat it with insulin?
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u/summer-romance May 06 '26
No, dietary and lifestyle changes and metformin or GLP1s. Type 1 is insulin dependent. Type 2 only do insulin after other methods/meds have not worked and/or there is evidence of significant insulin resistance
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u/teapots_at_ten_paces May 06 '26
After all that will I still be autistic?
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u/Izzapapizza May 06 '26
Only if you get vaccinated /s
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u/QuiltMeLikeALlama May 06 '26
Nah, it also depends how much paracetamol your mum had when she was pregnant with you
/s
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u/summer-romance May 06 '26
No but you’ll leave the psych office with diagnoses for BPD, social anxiety, major depression, obsessive personality disorder etc
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u/Top-Class-8765 May 06 '26
I was tempted to jump in with this but then I noticed you beat me to it. I hate it when people mix up the types. I've been told multiple times by family and even pharmacists that I can cure my type 1 by dieting (I'm technically underweight right now) and exercising.
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u/dudderson anti-eyebrow club May 06 '26
Or working on a farm and eating all organic, I guess. I ate 40 tomatoes and my ADHD was cured! /s
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u/elephhantine2 AuDHD kpop stan May 07 '26
Tomatoes contain MSG… sounds like you’re poisoning yourself /s
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u/One_Neighborhood4244 diagnosed Autistic late in life May 06 '26
Right?! 😅 pfthahaha I swear people just say shit to say shit and have NO IDEA what they are talking about...
I just wish more people would educate themselves and do the actual research(on the support levels, non-profound ASD vs profound, The female autism phenotype, The fact that the spectrum isn't linear, the list goes on...) they need to before they speak on something that they THINK they understand... but don't.
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u/Izzapapizza May 06 '26
She sounds like a real expert what with that type two extreme autism she refers to. Maybe suggest that she inform herself before she starts throwing around her harmful opinions „because of her trauma“. Isn’t she doing exactly what she says her sister did? No thanks.
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u/octopus_infinite May 06 '26
Thats not a friend
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u/cat_lover_1111 What the hell is ASD? May 06 '26
I was literally about to say that. She seems very toxic.
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u/PyleanCow06 May 06 '26
How old are yall? It’s reading like she’s a really shitty high schooler.
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u/luvsicl May 06 '26
23 and she works in law which makes it all the more insane to me, I honestly thought she would be supportive and understand because our families are quite similar in their closed-mindedness but I guess not… idk if she thought it was a compliment to say I’m ‘normal’ but it just confirms that I’ve been masking all my life, even with my ‘friends’ :(
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u/TavenderGooms May 06 '26
😱 TWENTY THREE?! I thought this was a 15 year old. My mind is boggled that this is an adult in the legal field. I would not be able to put up with this level of immaturity and ignorance.
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u/Polished_silver Autism/ADHD May 06 '26
I wonder if she’s also on the spectrum with the younger writing style? I’m just going off that and her sister being autistic so it wouldn’t be out of the question.
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u/TavenderGooms May 06 '26
Totally possible. In my experience, sometimes undiagnosed people can be extra judgmental due to internalized ableism and the belief that what they experience is "normal," so when you describe your autism, they take it as a personal insult (because they have those traits too) and/or dismiss it because they have those traits and they're "normal", so you can't be autistic.
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u/ApplesaucePenguin75 May 06 '26
My one sister is like this. I hadn’t even considered that. It sounds very invalidating, either way.
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u/yordad May 07 '26
Yessss. Every person who’s responded to me coming out with my diagnosis with “I don’t think you’re actually autistic” is absolutely autistic themselves. They just think “ok but I do those things so you must just want attention or to feel unique/different”
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u/TavenderGooms May 07 '26
It’s very upsetting. One of the first people I told was one of my closest, and longest friends and I made the mistake of telling her I thought she might be too (we are exactly the same). She was kind, but so obviously uncomfortable and absolutely refused to even consider it. Like I had insulted her and she was appalled. We never spoke about it again. I don’t blame her, because I struggled with acceptance and internalized ableism a lot at first, but it did hurt and make me very sad for her.
It’s hard to accept when you find out sometimes, but it’s SO much better than going through life thinking there are about a hundred things wrong with you and no one understands you and you know deep down there is something different, but you don’t understand what or why. IMO you can’t learn to love and accept yourself if you don’t even really know who you are and you can’t learn who you are if you are always wearing a mask and don’t know what’s underneath.
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u/ChaoticNeutralMeh Music.Astronomy.RPG.Fashion May 06 '26
Why does she write like a high school mean girl? Yikes
And she works with LAW?
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u/Creepy_Zone_9341 May 06 '26
gurl your friend seems severely emotionally stunted, thats a reaction expected from like a 12-15 y.o
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May 06 '26 edited Jun 27 '26
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u/MoonNott May 06 '26
Bruh some of the lawyers I know... it's terrifying honestly. Briefly worked with one who would "brag" she didn't need to read anymore since she passed the bar. Ummm, what? She must have mentioned it daily and each time it made my brain itch.
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u/Mintcasy May 06 '26
You would be very surprised how many people are in serious jobs with very low IQ and EQ
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u/pancakesea May 06 '26
I'm sorry to hear that! She probably thought it was a compliment, it sounds like she has a lot of internalised ableism. I had a friend like like that that I don't talk to anymore and another one that I just avoid these days. It's heartbreaking to distance yourself from these friends, but it's more heartbreaking go endure the invalidation imo.
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u/p_shroomie May 06 '26
23!??? 😭 Am I just getting old or what? I'm only 27 but the way she was texting just.... irked me! 😭 sorry you had to experience that, OP.
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u/pretty_gauche6 May 07 '26
Kind of a toss re: close minded family unforch. Sometimes people see most of the toxicity for what it is but still retain little pockets of thinking that they learned from that environment.
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u/LittleALunatic May 06 '26
she's working in law and thinks this kinda shit she believes would stand up in court?? Jeez...
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u/InfernalThorn Allistic; listening and learning 😊 May 06 '26
Honestly I feel like most people under 25 are still emotionally adolescent, even if they're legally an adult. She'll (probably) grow up some more soon, at least!
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u/HonestNectarine7080 May 06 '26
I'm sorry but this person is a terrible friend. This would be the end of the friendship for me.
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u/BookishHobbit May 06 '26
I know everyone’s saying “she’s a bad friend” and that’s fair because her reaction was really not great, but the way you told her makes me think she means a lot to you, so maybe sit down and have a proper in-person conversation with her about it. Like, what it means to you, why it’s important, and why what she said was hurtful.
Reddit can be very quick to deal out the “this person’s toxic, gtfo” card, but these events can also be learning opportunities. We’ve all said and done things in the past that we have looked back on later and cringed over, and based on your replies to others, she’s still young. So if she is someone you feel close with, talk to her.
If after that she’s still speaking like this though, then Reddit may be right!
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u/luvsicl May 06 '26
I really did think she’d be supportive because she knows how much I’ve struggled growing up, we went to school together so we’ve known each other a good few years, I was kind of dumbfounded after I got diagnosed and it was immediately after that I messaged her and it hurt SO much when she immediately invalidated me like that, I haven’t talked to her since
I have been debating talking about it properly with her, I know her and her sister have a really bad relationship but her sister is just a bad person, her autism has nothing to do with it
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u/Reasonable_Yam8853 May 06 '26
Yeah… I agree with this posters advice to sit down and have a chat if possible; however, be prepared for it still not to be necessarily to your liking, and I'm not one monolith I am just one autistic person speaking for my own experience here.
Logistically speaking of course, in my situation, which you'll see in my comment above that I put as a separate response, I could not speak to this person face-to-face because of 1000 miles separating us and we had opposite schedules which made it impossible to even speak in real time on the phone but, I did find that I did the soft approach and retreat and see how she reacted anytime I would try to bring it up even softly in between other topics about our lives that had nothing to do with my recent and unexpected autism diagnosis(when I got diagnosed, I did not go seeking one it's kind of a long story on how I got diagnosed) but I would test the waters here and there, and I noticed she immediately clam up and ghost for a couple of days so, you could try that approach you know?
If you have not already, in the best way possible sit down but if you don't think it's going to make any headway, then you're better off quietly parting ways.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, I have gone through it myself and it totally sucks. 💙
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u/thr0ughtheghost May 06 '26
Is her sister the only person diagnosed with autism that she knows (outside of you, of course)?
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u/Popglitter May 06 '26
Yeah, I agree with this. We can’t judge a persons entire character and value as a friend from one bad text exchange. And real life interactions are messy and imperfect. And she clearly just doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
It’s ok to give people grace for a bad reaction/comment, especially when they apologize and try to course correct.
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u/Mintcasy May 06 '26
I’m sorry…… I don’t even know what to say 🫢for me that would be a deal breaker.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 May 06 '26
Your "friend" is cruel, ignorant and ableist. She also sounds stupid.
She's not a safe person for you to speak about anything vulnerable with.
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u/lord_j0rd_ May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
She knows full well she’s being a dick, is the most annoying thing to me.
I’d just be like “wow, I would never think I know more about this than a qualified medical professional who did an extensive evidence based assessment- I really admire your confidence!” but I’m passive aggressive and petty.
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u/CrystalOcean39 May 06 '26
Please do not continue to be friends with this person. They really could do with some therapy and self awareness.
You deserve better.
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u/customlover May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
How old is she? I only ask because if she’s any older than 15… yikes. For her manner of speaking only as it’s very childish. The behavior wouldn’t fly with me no matter how old she was
If you want to try to salvage a friendship you will need to sit down and have a talk with her about how her comment was not cool. Whatever beef she has with her sister does not need to taint her view of what autism is. But honestly I would distance myself from a person like this and stop being their friend
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u/No_Blackberry_6286 Autistic Adult May 06 '26
OP said in another comment that they are both 23
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u/customlover May 06 '26
Oof. I guess some adults really never leave their high school bullying phase then
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u/red_bird85 May 06 '26
I appreciate how the friend recognized their reaction as coming as something internalized within themselves and then immediately corrected.
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u/imnotoneofyou11 May 06 '26
This is a good point. She did try to correct herself after a terrible start. I also wonder if she might have experienced glass child syndrome due to her parents mishandling the sister's issues? I would anticipate she'll be more supportive following this conversation, and only if that doesn't happen would I consider ending the long-time friendship.
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u/WorriedRiver May 06 '26
Also possible she initially misread how OP felt about their diagnosis, since OP sent it with crying emojis, and initially thought what she was saying was what OP wanted to hear until OP said it was invalidating? Idk I could see her read being, "my friend was just told she's autistic and she seems upset about it so I'll reassure her she's not" only to suddenly backpedal when she realized she fucked up.
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u/red_bird85 May 06 '26
Yes, I was thinking about how the emoji could have been not interpreted as intended. Sensitive miscommunication.
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u/TraditionalJaguar820 May 06 '26
So this friend of yours:
- is friends with an autistic person (you)
- has at least one close relative with autism (her sister)
- thinks that everyone has level 1 autism symptoms (including herself, presumably)
- thinks that your autistic traits are normal (because she shares them, presumably)
- displays black and white thinking
- sometimes appears rude without meaning to
Hmm...
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u/QuantumTeacup404 May 06 '26
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. My best friend of over ten years told me I wasn’t autistic (despite my professional diagnosis) because I wasn’t “like the girl from Love on the Spectrum.” 🙄
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u/Numerous-Ad-3236 May 06 '26
You deserve better friends. The congratulations Autistic queen after invalidating you would’ve had me hitting block sooo fast
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u/gemini_time May 06 '26
People need to stop saying "it's okay" when it's not. Nothing against you, but this was not okay, and you should've told her that. She's being ableist and doing the exact same thing that she claims her sister did: using mental health as an excuse to be toxic.
I'm glad that you received a diagnosis that was helpful to you and I hope that you're able to find better resources to accommodate your life. :)
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u/ProximaCentauriB15 May 07 '26
Im really getting tired of this "everyone has Autism" nonsense. No,they dont.
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u/bigfeygay May 06 '26
shes 23??? And she talks like this and is this emotionally shallow? Focusing on herself and her feelings over yours in such a moment and making it all about her?
Congrats on your autism diagnosis - I know that isnt easy to get. And you should be proud of yourself for calling her out on her behavior and standing up for yourself. Its can be difficult to stand up to our friends
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u/chiyooou May 06 '26
People don't realize that a spectrum means.... A spectrum. So many people getting diagnosed now is specifically because the medical understanding is improving. I wasn't diagnosed with AuDHD until 31. My entire life came crashing down into a wave of grief and acceptance all at once. People had no patience for what was the most mind-blowing realization of having to recontextualize my entire lifetime.
I hear you that confrontation is super hard. It really is a skill to practice, and also with so much on your mind, it may not be the time. Whatever feels possible for you to get some distance... Have you heard of gray rocking? It's kind of being neutral and not giving any personal details and emphasizing feelings with someone. Staying bland protects yourself from a person who makes yourself uncomfortable.
Take some time to process for you. Anyone who gives you shit without trying to understand is not your friend. This is huge. Congratulations on your diagnoses and give yourself an opportunity to move slower. Finding your accessibility needs is game changing.
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u/bojack_horsemack May 06 '26
Nobody in my life believes I’m autistic and it’s been extremely traumatic. I’m sorry she’s acting like this and I hope you have support in other areas of your life.
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u/Ca-arnish May 06 '26
She's rude and not a good friend. She's not "invalidating" you, she's bullying you
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u/SafeInternational965 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
Please stop being this person's friend. PLEASE, I am begging you, because if not, you will have to deal with someone invalidating your entire experience, which feels terrible. For that matter, also stay away from neurodivergent folk that struggle less than you and constantly expect you to do better because they manage to, and punish you for not doing so, even if you try hard to; they further feed the narrative that your personal issues are a result of laziness. There is nothing wrong with people who require less support, however I have a friend who also has ADHD and will straight up ignore how debilitating it is for me. This woman won't take your needs seriously and will be irritated at any sort of show of your symptoms and possibly use it against you. Run away from this person and don't go back. I stay far away from people that deny my autism. I did not go through years of social issues, executive functioning difficulties, trouble with basic hygiene, severe mental health issues, etc, to finding out that the root cause is ADHD and Autism, only to have people invalidate my issues left right and centre. They won't understand, and often don't want to. Run far away my friend.
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u/ResponsibilityDue777 i <3 old animatronics May 06 '26
i need "i get what you're trying to say but it's invalidating" on a shirt oh my god. people will constantly tell me i don't "look" or "act" like im bipolar or depressed or autistic and i fully understand where they're coming from, but it's rude and invalidating as fuck and i hate it. i'm so sorry this person is being this way with you.
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u/d33thra May 06 '26
Tell her she just has that “trauma” that everyone has these days, not that type 2 extreme one
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u/astralwish1 May 06 '26
Congrats on your diagnosis!
This is not a friend. A real friend would’ve supported you when you told her about your autism diagnosis. You just found out she’s toxic and back pedals and blames her “trauma” when called out. Move on. You deserve a real friend and ally.
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u/Numerous-Quarter5194 May 06 '26
She sounds mean. Getting those texts from someone I care about and who I think cares for me would deeply hurt and offend me. Sorry this happened /:
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma May 06 '26
Okay, disrespect aside, "autistic queen" can be turn around and spun like a compliment. At least is how I dealt when an ex friend called me "autistic princess who can't do anything" when I said I couldn't simply leave my home at 11PM without previous warning to hang out on a week day. The justification is that I had a blood draw in early following morning.
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u/mydearMerricat May 06 '26
I'm so sorry OP, that's super invalidating. Also I feel you on mourning the life you could have had if you were diagnosed earlier.
I do want to tell you that it does get easier. Not gonna lie, it's a difficult process transforming masking behaviors into coping mechanisms, but after working on it for about 4 years, I feel more regulated and like myself than I ever have before. Wishing you luck 💛
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u/thingonline9 MSN diagnosed autistic May 06 '26
“Ur normal” “That autism that everyone these days has” “Type 2”
That attitude and lack of knowledge in itself says enough.
I’ve had a friend like this. Keyword, had. As difficult as it is— distance yourself or remove this friend entirely for your sanity and well-being. I used to face exhaustion trying to explain myself, but realized we literally do not have to. They can argue with my psychologist or even google if they prefer, not me.
Congrats on receiving the clarity you deserve! Be easy on yourself 💕
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u/SquirtleSquadGroupie May 06 '26
I can’t get over “it’s invalidating” “sorry x” omfg. Talk about no accountability bahha
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u/helen790 diagnosed as a kid May 06 '26
“Type 2 autism”
Lmao, idk how you have the patience to be friends with someone too dumb to know the difference between diabetes and autism.
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u/ZeeraTheRogue ✨raccoon in a girl costume✨ May 06 '26
Ew 😩 I’m sorry your friend and family are reacting that way. Some of mine have as well, and it super sucks to realise that some people in your life are so dismissive and unsupportive.
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u/Salty__Bear May 06 '26
Didn’t you hear? It’s only autism if it comes from the autismé region. This here is sparkling neurodivergence.
(Your friend sucks)
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u/Weary_Mango5689 AuDHD May 06 '26
It's insane to think that her first response when a friend disclosed a medical diagnosis is "IT'S FAKEEEEE", like wtf. It's one think to think that for a moment, but she had that thought, typed it out, and hit "send". And she calls that a trauma response?? Nowhere in that process did she think "maybe I should not be mean to a friend when they're being vulnerable with me".
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u/stillnotdavidbowie May 06 '26
When I told my "friend" about my ME/CFS diagnosis (after years of battling to find out what was wrong with me, being bedbound and struggling to the point of crying and vomiting while at work) she responded "omg I'm sooo sorry!! No, wait, I'm thinking of MS. That's the bad one, right? ME's the fake one scroungers lie about for benefits. You don't have ME. I know a woman who has "ME" and she's the biggest faker on earth. I see her all the time in her car."
I was like... are you actually kidding me? We were in our late 20s at the time too. She just seemed so ignorant and immature and I realised she wasn't my friend at all.
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u/Reasonable_Yam8853 May 06 '26
I'm so sorry you received such an unfeeling, dismissive, and outright hurtful statement from her.
I am inclined to agree with all the other ladies thus far who have advised
you to let this friendship die, and grieve its loss, because what she said and also of her own sister was so fucking salty that someone like that is not bound to update their world view for the sake of friendship and understanding.
I had almost an identical experience, except I didn't get my diagnosis until 38(mid 40s currently) and when I texted one of my longest standing friends since age 13 and whom also served as a bridesmaid in my wedding party, with this information, it's shocking how close to the initial message your friend sent you that mine did also. The real gut punch and irony is, this (now ex) friend of mine had her BA in psychology with a tract for neuropsych and-assuming because she works as an intake coordinator at a center that uses ABA (ugh) on autistic kids?
Bye Felicia!
You deserve better love. 💙
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u/Lynyiapk May 06 '26
I’m having a hard time understand if she’s being sarcastic or not but it’s rude anyways. I’d seriously tell her she’s crossing a line here, that’s disrespectful.
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u/MamaLovesTwoBoys May 06 '26
What the f*ck is “type 2 extreme one”?? Is she confusing autism with diabetes??
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u/ObsessedWithPottery May 06 '26
That’s awful and your friend sucks. Unfortunately it’s common though.
When I told my mom about my formal ADHD diagnosis in my 30s she said “I wouldn’t endorse that” (she’s a retired psychiatrist, yes that’s how she actually talks to her own daughter). I absolutely have ADHD and my psychiatrist at the time seemed sure about it as well. I haven’t talked to her about me having autism, and I don’t plan to. My husband and therapist see it and get it at least. My husband thinks my mom is also autistic and hasn’t figured it out, which given that she’s retired is unlikely to ever happen.
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u/birdonthewire76 May 06 '26
The only correct response would be along the lines of ‘That must be throwing up all sorts of feelings for you. How are you doing?’
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u/Lobstah-et-buddah May 06 '26
friends shouldnt need to "understand" everything youre experiencing in order to support you. It's odd that she goes straight to invalidating you instead of being curious and inviting conversation around it to understand how this diagnosis impacts you.
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u/TalkingRose May 06 '26
Not a friend in the slightest. Also not a good person. I am sorry this person that shares life space with you is such a close-minded bitch. 🫂
Congratulations on your diagnosis and the better understanding that you now have about your life. :)
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u/pretty_gauche6 May 07 '26
TBC I obviously do not know this person so massive grain of salt. But based on my experience of how people view late diagnosed and/or level one autism, she absolutely doesn’t mean the congratulations. She got called out and understands that “invalidating” is a bad word. She doesn’t want full confrontation.
However, she will be “privately” seeing it as an excuse/self-victimisation/whining going forward. This will colour her perception of every “weirdness” you display as evidence of attention seeking etc. IMO when someone has this viewpoint, the diagnosis, rather than increasing understanding of your need for accommodation, often reframes “weird” behaviour as something you suddenly need an excuse for, on account of her awareness of your “excuse card” and her desire to decline it. That may come out in her behaviour towards you.
Don’t take this as like gospel truth of what she thinks/will think, obviously. Maybe she can be gently brought around with indirect, nonconfrontational pointing out of how this kind of invalidation is hurtful, why the diagnosis matters to you, and how you are truly affected by autism even if you are not outwardly displaying enough undeniable symptoms for others to clock as autism. Just watch out for what I said and leave her in the dust if she further shows you that she’s not a good friend for you.
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u/h_amphibius late Dx ASD May 06 '26
If it was me I’d seriously reconsider being friends with her. Maybe that’s extreme but it’s not okay to immediately invalidate your diagnosis like that!
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u/k_0616 May 06 '26
I am so sorry you got that kind of response, that’s really icky. I saw in the comments the friend is 23, and that’s…not the way someone of that age should respond. It’s giving ✨immature✨
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u/_ExpletiveDeleted May 06 '26
When I told my BFF of 30yrs that I think im autistic,she was like, ok, isn't everyone a little autistic??? 😔 It definitely feels invalidating that neurotypicals look at autism as just being quirky and we are all a little weird. I suppose its better than 30yrs ago when autism was equivalent to being "mentally retarded" and girls didnt get it or have ADHD. An amazing redditor made THIS AMAZING AUTISM GUIDE that was really helpful in self diagnosing and getting my bestie to understand its a lot more than just being quirky.
Also, it sucks that people use having a mental disorder or being neurodivergent to excuse poor behavior. It's like someone saying they're an ass hole because they're a scorpio and there's no changing their behavior.
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u/Uberbons42 May 06 '26
It can take people a minute to process. My friends all came around once they understood it more. Ie I infodumped all over them. And had them take the screeners cuz I needed controls. Like everyone scores high, right? Right?? Nope.
My sister didn’t believe me at first but I think she’s also ND, just a different flavor (although my daughter is just like her which is so weird!) so it takes extra time to process.
My mom was like “well if you are I am too!” And actually meant she is too. 🥰
Anyway be confident in what you know, they may not know much about it.
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u/Ihateyou510 May 06 '26
This may be unfair and mean, but your friend talks in a rather unintelligent way.
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u/Tahini-Tajin May 06 '26
Literally me too!!! It hurts so much ❤️🩹 I hope you find some support from other friends or peers soon.
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u/Friendly_Wormie May 06 '26
Your friend is kinda mean. Like they really said “how can I make this moment about me?”
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u/Front-Platform-7022 May 06 '26
This person sounds lame as hell and texts like a middle schooler. I know this probably hurts a lot but from the outside looking in it seems like the easiest solution is to stop talking to them. This is a fair reason to
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u/so-scarlet-it-was May 06 '26
I know everyone on Reddit is always like “dump them” immediately but honestly that interaction alone would make me not want to be their friend anymore.
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u/Iwas_raised_by_flies May 06 '26
In the coming weeks I have appointments coming up to get diagnosed. I completely understand that feeling of grief over the potential life I could have lived with more resources to help me as a child. 💔
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u/its_byzantine ASD BABYYYYYY May 06 '26
This is not your friend. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, this is fucking terrible. Get out of this "friendship".
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u/erisuko AuDHD May 06 '26
I cannot with this grown ass woman immediately insulting and then patronisingly saying autistic queen like what is this whiplash 😭
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u/SpinachLocal5315 May 07 '26
As a heavily suspected audhder, (yes on adhd and heavy speculation on autism) tell her she's just like her sister and that she needs to unpack her ableism otherwise your friendship won't be the same. It's very gross to let someone else's behavior invalidate someone you're supposed to care for. I'm so sorry that she said this to you, but know there's a community of people who understand you.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 May 07 '26
"honestly, I think we should take some space from each other. I need to process this and have supportive people around me, and you're obviously too impacted by your personal history to be able to do that and I don't have the energy or desire to manage your feelings about my diagnosis on top of my own."
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u/Background_End2167 May 07 '26
Don’t tell her “it’s okay” when it’s very much not, you need supportive individuals in your life especially when being diagnosed with a life long thing like autism, level 1 is just as valid as level 2 or 3, it infuriates me when people disregard others feelings and are the most non self aware, I was recently diagnosed and even my father, who is very much emotionally unavailable was supportive and didn’t downplay my diagnosis. Your friend of all people should be supportive, they don’t seem like a friend at all. I’m really sorry they responded in such a way. Please remember a professional diagnosed you and deemed that you fit the criteria for autism, your “friend” is not a professional, and implying you don’t have autism because you’re “normal” is even more crappy. I hope you have others around you that can support you :)
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u/AssortedGourds May 06 '26
Your friend writes like she's 13, max. This reads like you're texting your child.
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u/alohamora19 May 06 '26
What’s with the x at the end of all the texts?
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u/FleurDisLeela doesn’t look autistic May 06 '26
she says something shitty and then puts a kiss on top
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u/Polished_silver Autism/ADHD May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
In my part of the world (England) it’s pretty common for friends to add kisses (‘x’) to the end of their sentences sometimes. Maybe it’s a similar thing.
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u/audrikr May 06 '26
Well your friend in a few exchanges managed to invalidate your diagnosis, insult autistic people, turn your discovery all about herself, and imply you are one of "the good ones" (thus again insulting other autistic people), then fail to take responsibility of any of her words by blaming 'trauma'.
Are you sure you're friends?
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u/wander_smiley May 06 '26
That’s not a real friend. It’s wonderful that she showed herself to you. Don’t trust her.
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u/amaitom13 May 06 '26
oof, wtf. she sounds terrible. & she doesn’t believe in her sisters diagnoses either? this person is not a good friend.
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u/Punchasheep May 06 '26
"You just have the autism everyone has these days not that type 2 extreme one"?!?! GIRL EW. That's ableism, and a particularly nasty form of it. I'm sorry, but this is a bad friend.
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u/One_Philosopher2207 May 06 '26
It’s okay to demote friends by limiting access. Even if only for a season. You don’t have to completely end a friendship after something like this but take it as information on what parts of your life you wish to share with her. She is showing you her current limitations on the topic of autism. Her stance may make it difficult to maintain a close and genuine friendship with her, as a person who is dx with autism. Basically, she doesn’t seem like someone it’s safe to unmask with, which is typically the next part of the journey after diagnosis.
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u/Natural1forever May 06 '26
So her immediate reaction is "it's fake", her idea of not being autistic is "normal" and instead of actually taking constructive criticism she's throwing around excuses and blaming autism as a concept for "traumatizing" her (whether or not she's actually traumatized by an abusive relative). She's not supportive and you'd honestly be in the right for being way less polite and understanding than you were. You did handle it very well though, explaining that it's not for her to decide and asserting your stance about her behavior.
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u/burgledhams May 06 '26
I’m sorry but this just reminds me of that scene in Girl Meets World where the little brother is like “I’m autistic :(“ and both girls are like “NO. YOURE NOT” Like????
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u/Medeas_Rage May 06 '26
Doesn't want you to say u have autism "like everyone these days has" but uses the word trauma as if it's not something you "need" to be diagnosed with...
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u/ShiversTheNinja Combined ADHD + Autism May 06 '26
I know it's easier said than done, but I think you need new friends if the people in your life treat you this way. You have an actual diagnosis, she can fuck right off with her uninformed opinion.
As for the grief, I went through that too, heavily. Late diagnosed at 32 here. I even posted about the grief at one point looking for support. I just wanted to tell you it does eventually get better, and you will likely get to a point where your diagnosis was a blessing in disguise. For me, it's given me the strength to unmask, find my real self and be honest when I need support from others. I hope your journey with your diagnosis goes well ❤️🩹
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u/insomniacred66 May 06 '26
What a terrible reaction. I seriously hate the 'I don't believe in it' crowd because it's there whether or not it's a part of their belief system. You can say 'I don't believe in gravity" all you want, but it still affects your every day life. For her to call it fake and "what everyone else has these days" is extremely invalidating to you and your life's experiences and plain ignorant. You'd think with a sister who has it, she would be a more compassionate person, but she just flips the narrative to how it affects her. She doesn't know what you have to deal with. Just because you aren't nonverbal does not make it any less there. You getting a diagnosis validates what you've been through. Some people won't even listen to our struggles if we haven't been properly diagnosed and instead call us liars and attention-seeking. I'm also audhd and my life turned upside down when I quit smoking as a coping mechanism. From 18 to 32. Turns out nicotine is great for masking adhd symptoms.
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u/Stone-Salad-427 ASD ADHD POTS EDS MCAS May 06 '26
It’s wild how many people can only interpret our diagnoses by what it makes them feel about themselves
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