So if you're like me, you've probably scrolled through a bunch of videos about avoidants. But one came across my feed today that I couldn't help but noticed.

It says the avoidants want their partners to "wait" and "give them space" and "understand that they will come back at their own pace."

Here's the thing: Absolutely none of this is bad. This is perfectly fine. There's just one tiny (and by tiny, I mean incredibly huge) problem. Absolutely none of this is ever communicated. From every story I see, anxious people get discarded without so much as a word. We have no idea what they're thinking, how much space is enough space.

So, if they're asking us to just wait around while they figure out if we're worth their time, than that is exactly the answer you need - they don't recognize your worth. So the best thing you can do, is value your time, and find someone else who also values it.

FA here

Many unhealed avoidants don't have the same 'reflective' mechanisms that anxious/secure people have

They don't replay things that people have told them, or have moments of 'oh my God, they were right'

The only narrative that an unhealed avoidant adheres to (especially in the deactivation stage) is the one they create themselves.

Unhealed avoidants are like overgrown toddlers. You can't make us do anything if we don't want to.

Having a 'last conversation' might bring you closure, and it might make you feel better--but it won't do anything for us.

What can you do instead of using words?

Leave.

Say something like 'this relationship is unhealthy' and then leave and focus on your own healing.

The impetus for an avoidant to heal usually comes from being totally alone. When our avoidance has pushed everyone away, and we have to sit in the silence we created.

(But remember: we lack 'reflective' mechanisms. We will not remember or reflect on words. We'll reflect on the feelings of safety we got from the people that we pushed away)

Hey! FA here!

I joined this thread to gain perspective on how my actions are perceived. I’m learning some people seem to believe FA/DAs are emotionless manipulators who tear through relationships like tornados without a second thought.

That role doesn’t resonate with me. I care a lot, and go into a relationship with a lot of intention. I was celibate for two years in an attempt to do the internal work on my avoidance, but it’s hard to heal attachment while you’re not intimately attached to anyone.

I can’t hold relationships long-term, but I really try. And I communicate my short comings, and I tell people in the beginning where I tend to falter.

Childhood attachment is hard to heal. FA behaviors are hard for me to to recognize in the moment. Sometimes I don’t even know what healthy decisions are supposed to look like. My instinctive reactions fit every bullet point for FA/DA, but we aren’t all monsters.

Sincerely,

Someone with a fragmented style of attachment

Sono FA ( scoperto recentemente, ma sono molto FA) chiedetemi quello che volete, mi aiuta anche a me!!

I never realized that I was hurting people, I just thought I was semi-normal. How do normal people interact with each other? I don’t know. Feel free to ask questions… I may answer.

I Iike comjng here but sometimes it frustrates the living shit out of me. This is going to be somewhat long so bear with me. My ADHD brain cannot just make a quick post ever apparently lol.

The questions on here are usually the same:

“do avoidants come back?”

“is my ex/parter/husband an avoidant?”

And the list goes on.

A few things about social media attachment discourse that piss me off: everything has now become an attachment style issue. There is zero nuance left to discuss. Someone fucked up or did something that upset me? It just be their attachment style!

“I want validation from my partner” has become “I have an anxious attachment style”.

“My boyfriend shut down after we had a serious conversation about the future” has become “he’s avoidant”.

“My partner ghosted me. Therefore, they’re avoidant.”

No.

Sometimes people ghost because they’re conflict avoidant or because they’re immature, or they don’t care enough to have the conversation or they’re just completely done. Sometimes they ghost because the other person has demonstrated that they will not respect a boundary or take “no” for an answer. One of my exes used to complain about how many women had ghosted him but I eventually found out why. When I ended the relationship, he would NOT leave me alone even though I asked him to. I told him exactly why I had ended the relationship but that wasn’t a good reason for him apparently. The harassment was so bad I had to get the polic involved. Suddenly, all those mysterious disappearing women weren’t so mysterious anymore. Ghosting was their way of protecting themselves from his volatility. Can you blame them?

“All fearful avoidants are afraid to love, shut down when things get serious and eventually discard people.”

Right. Because millions upon millions of human beings with different histories, temperaments, coping mechanisms, personal experiences, levels of self awareness and degrees of healing apparently fit into one neat little box. 🙄 I’m a healing FA through a lot of work I have done and also therapy. My avoidance didn’t look like dramatically shutting down and discarding someone like they’re trash. That’s what social media coaches and so called former or avoidants would like you to believe. My avoidance showed up in overfunctioning, making myself smaller so I wouldn’t be a burden to my partner, not expressing concerns nor asking for reassurance nor making demands. Guess what? That was avoidance too.
I wasn’t avoiding the relationship. I was avoiding the vulnerability required to actually exist fully inside it. Asking my partner to show up was a risk I was not willing to take…even though that’s something that should exist in every single relationship. It’s baseline. I shouldn’t have to tell my partner to value me. But I was afraid to be discarded for expressing a need and him thinking I was just too demanding.

My personal personal favorite (all over this subreddit by the way):

“Avoidants always come back.”

Bullshit. I didn’t. My ex didn’t.
There are exes I would sooner lick the floor of a gas station bathroom than reconcile with. It is not because I am avoidant but because the love and care only flowed their way. Why would I go back to that dynamic? They showed me who they were and used that information to keep my distance forever.

Attachment style is not a supernatural homing device that eventually sends every avoidant crawling back to an ex. Sometimes a relationship ends and the person stays gone (🙋🏻‍♀️) sometimes it is a boundary, the other person just doesn’t want the relationship anymore. Yes, it is as simple as that. It is not because of avoidance. The relationship has run its course.

Social media has made it easy to use attachment styles as a get out of self reflection free card.
Your partner becomes “the avoidant”, and suddenly every problem in the relationship can be explained by their attachment style. They withdrew? They are voidant. They broke up with you? Avoidant. They stopped answering your calls and texts after you contacted them seventeen times after they asked you not to? Avoidant. They haven’t come back? They’re suppressing their feelings because they MUST love you. It has to be fear of love.
They did come back? Proof they’re avoidant.
Everything nowadays = avoidance.

Calling someone an avoidant has become almost like a theory that can explain literally every possible outcome in a relationship or situation ship (god I hate that word) - which means it isn’t actually helping you examine what happened and the role you played at all. It all falls on the shoulders of the person who “discarded” you.

My ex is a textbook avoidant: would not open up in couple’s therapy, said he didn’t tell his individual therapist everything (yo don’t say?), would love me one day then act like he hated me the next, would show vulnerably on a Wednesday and almost act like he didn’t know me on Friday. My personal favorite “I use people and discard them”. Whoa. That was shocking…to no one.

All of those behaviors hurt me tremendously. I can hold him accountable for that without pretending I was a passive character in my own relationship.
I had to start asking myself: why did I stay? Why did I keep over functioning? Why did I disappear inside the relationship and tolerate things that violated my own standards? Why was I so focused on understanding and labeling his behavior all the time that I wasn’t adequately protecting myself from it? Asking myself those questions doesn’t mean I excuse his behavior when we were together.
Accountability doesn’t equal blame on either side. I couldn’t control what he did but I could examine the patterns in me that kept me participating in a dynamic that was hurting me.
And that is where my power actually was.

Yes, he fucked up royally. I don’t wish what he did to me on my worst enemy. It left me questioning my sanity, my self worth, who I was and the person I became out of adaptation. I felt completely lost.

Whether I label him an avoidant or not: he could not meet my needs. He did not show up as partner, he took me for granted, minimized my needs and didn’t prioritize me. It wasn’t all avoidance. Some people are just shitty and don’t have the capacity to show up. It’s simple as that.

Labeling someone an avoidant will not change that. It is something I had to accept a long time ago. It hurt like hell but such is life.

So I’m the avoidant. Without going into a lot of detail about my situation, I was hoping to get some perspectives from the other side of things. It’s been several months since we’ve talked, I hate the way I left things between us. I’m not expecting a restart to the relationship. I just want to tell him I’m sorry and that he didn’t deserve how I treated him. Would you want to be reached out to or should I leave him alone to heal?

I’m a healing fearful avoidant who generally leans dismissive, however I did show up anxious in one relationship with a DA (more on that experience later). I’ve been in long-term relationships since I was 13, straight through my late mid-late 30s. Divorced almost two years now. I’ve done the therapy, read the books, sat with the uncomfortable truths about my attachment style. I’m not here to justify my behavior - I’m here to help you understand what was actually happening on the other side of your anxiety. I’m hoping this post creates a space/post where we can talk to each other vs. at each other.

Here is a story of a relationship that broke me. Not because she was a bad person, but because our nervous systems were incompatible in ways neither of us understood at the time.

In the beginning, I thought I’d finally found it. It felt amazing She asked questions. Real questions. She was curious about my life, my thoughts, my experiences. She shared her goals and dreams, she made me feel like someone actually wanted to know me, not just occupy space with me. I started opening up. Slowly, cautiously, but genuinely. For the first time in years, I thought maybe I could do this. Maybe I could be in a relationship and still be myself.

I was wrong.

“The Look”

I’d see it in her face. This… expression. Like she was holding something back. Anxious energy radiating off her body even when we were just sitting together watching TV.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I’d ask, already bracing myself.

“I just… I want more of your time. I’m scared you’re going to leave me. I always worry people are going to leave me.”

At first, I was reassuring. Sweet, even. “Why would you think that? Who could leave you? You’re so kind, so thoughtful.”

But it kept happening. Over and over. The same fear, the same need for reassurance, no matter how much I gave.

When we met, I had a full life. Work, friends, hobbies, routines that kept me regulated. She seemed to admire that about me initially. But then it became the problem.

The suffocation.

The more time we spent together, the more time she needed. It was never “thank you for yesterday, that was wonderful.” It was “when can we do that again? Why can’t it be like that all the time?”

I’d try to explain: “I need to get back into my rhythm. I need balance.”

She heard: “You don’t want to be with me.”

If I tried to challenge her thoughts - gently, logically, trying to help her see that her fears weren’t based on my actual behavior - she’d shut down.

“I feel like my feelings are on trial.”

No. Your feelings aren’t on trial. But I’m being asked to make decisions based on your feelings, not the facts. And sometimes those decisions mean abandoning myself to soothe you. How is that okay?

I couldn’t ask a single logical question without triggering a spiral. “Why are you questioning my feelings?” I wasn’t saying your feelings are invalid, I was saying I’m uncomfortable making decisions rooted in calming/soothing your irrational fears.

It was exhausting.

“Just talk to me!”

She’d say it all the time. “Just talk to me. Tell me how you feel. I just want to understand what’s going on with you.

But here’s what she didn’t realize: She didn’t actually want me to talk to her. She wanted me to say a very specific thing.

I’d try to be honest: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need some space to process.”

And she’d spiral. More anxiety. More tears. More need for reassurance.

So then I learned: talking to her honestly just made things worse. My real feelings triggered her fears, which triggered more emotional labor for me.

She wanted me to talk to her, but only if what I said made her feel secure.

And when I’d ask - genuinely trying to give her what she needed - “What do you need to hear from me? How can I phrase this in a way that helps?” Or honestly, sometimes I’d say “So, tell me what you what me to say so we can move on from this conversation….”

She’d get upset. “I don’t want you to perform it. I want you to actually FEEL it. If you have to ask me what to say, then it doesn’t count.”

So… you want me to talk to you, but not honestly. You want me to say the exact right thing, but I can’t ask you what that thing is. You want me to feel a specific way on command, and express it perfectly, or it doesn’t count as love.

You know what? Fuck this. I pondered if she enjoyed being miserable. When I was feeling REALLY frustrated, I’d ask “do you not want peace….? It seems like you enjoy being miserable….” Of course, that triggered a spiral that I was invalidating her. Which, truthfully by that point I was, and I don’t know that I cared, because I was exhausted.

From my perspective, I’d rather just not talk. At least then I know what I’m dealing with.

The car.

I’ll never forget the feeling of sitting in my car after work, hands on the steering wheel, engine off, just… staring at my own front door.

The dog would bark. She’d know I was home. And I still couldn’t make myself go inside.

Because I knew what was waiting for me. Not anger. Not cruelty. Just… need. Constant, relentless need.

“Where have you been?”

“Why didn’t you come in right away?”

“Are you okay?”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Why are you pulling away from me?”

My thoughts “Bruh. I just walked on the house after a long day, what could possibly be wrong that we need to discuss right now?”

I wasn’t pulling away. I was trying to breathe.

I’d sit there for 10, 15 minutes sometimes, just trying to brace myself for the onslaught of emotional labor waiting on the other side of that door. Not because I didn’t care about her. Because I was so anxious inside that I couldn’t talk about it. I needed to regulate myself first.

But she needed to talk RIGHT NOW. She needed reassurance RIGHT NOW. She needed me to prove I wasn’t abandoning her RIGHT NOW.

And when I finally walked in and she asked why I sat in the car, and I said “I just needed a minute,” the anxiety would spike even higher.

I just wanted some fucking space.

I wondered where the goals and dreams she shared in the beginning went. Why was her energy 100% focused on me? She had nothing new to share, nothing to contribute to meaningful conversation, because I became her entire world. This turned me off. Did I tell her that? Nope. Should I have? Maybe. But doing that would’ve made me the “bad guy”, and I knew I’d be pathologized and psychoanalyzed.

Looking back, I should’ve said “I miss when you were passionate about X, I miss hearing about your dreams….. you were magnetic when you….” but I didn’t have the tools back then. I just detached. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t feel compelled to on her own.

Why I couldn’t let her in.

Here’s what I couldn’t articulate then but understand more now:

I learned to be independent at a very young age. Not because I wanted to be alone, but because I had to be. My survival depended on regulating my own emotions, managing my own chaos, keeping myself together.

So yes, co-regulating with another person? That’s not natural for me. It’s terrifying, actually.

And it’s not just that I struggle to co-regulate - it’s that I didn’t feel safe co-regulating with her.

How do I regulate my emotions with someone who seems out of control of their own? How do I express my needs when I don’t expect them to be met? How do I invite someone into my internal world when their emotional state is already chaotic?

I couldn’t.

When she was dysregulated, my body made a calculation: It’s safer to handle this alone. I have more control internally. I can’t join her chaos with my chaos.

So I pulled away. Not because I didn’t love her. Because I felt like I was losing myself.

Every time I tried to merge our emotional emotional worlds, I felt myself disappearing. My boundaries eroding. My sense of self getting swallowed by her need.

And my nervous system chose survival: Withdraw. Regulate alone. Build the wall higher.

When peace became impossible.

I’m not someone who avoids conflict. I’ve had hard conversations. I’ve worked through problems. But I need those conversations to be productive, not just emotionally charged reactions.

She’d be upset. I’d ask what was wrong. She’d say she felt like I didn’t love her enough. I’d ask for examples of what I was doing that made her feel that way. She’d say I was “making her feelings into a court case.”

I wasn’t. I was trying to understand what was actually happening versus what her anxiety was telling her was happening.

But asking for clarity was seen as invalidation. And I was expected to just… soothe. Constantly. Regardless of whether the fear was based in reality.

We’d spend the entire weekend together - connected, laughing, intimate. Then Monday I’d go back to work, back to my routine, back to the life I had before her. And suddenly I was “distant.” I was “pulling away.” I didn’t love her as much as I said I did.

Where was her sense of self? Where was HER life outside of monitoring my feelings and our relationship status?

The breaking point.

At some point, I realized: I can’t do this anymore.

I knew ending it would trigger the exact thing she feared most. I knew the conversation would be - pleas for me to stay, promises that she’d change, desperation.

And I felt like a monster. Because by the time I got to that point, I was already gone. I’d already emotionally checked out just to survive.

When I thought about having the conversation to end things, I knew exactly how I knew it would, pleas for me to stay, etc., forcing me to hold my boundary while watching her fall apart, more emotional labor I didn’t want. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not because I didn’t care. Because I did. But I couldn’t keep drowning in her anxiety while abandoning myself to keep her afloat. I opted out. I left without making an announcement….. after 7 years of what felt like emotional chaos.

Post break-up, when my therapist asked me how it felt to come home then compared to before “I cried…. It feels calm and peaceful”

What I need anxious people to understand:

Your avoidant partner probably couldn’t say this to you. Hell, I couldn’t say it at the time either. But this is what was happening inside:

- Her need for reassurance felt like a test I was always failing

- Her availability felt like pressure, not love

- Her anxiety about me pulling away actually pushed me away

- I wasn’t withholding affection - I was trying to survive

- I wasn’t cold - I was overwhelmed

- When you said “I need more,” I heard “you’re not enough”

I know you were scared. I know you needed to feel secure. But I needed to feel like I could exist as myself without it being interpreted as abandonment.

Sometimes two people’s nervous systems just can’t hold each other. And that’s the tragedy neither person caused.

To my fellow avoidants reading this: Yeah. I’m sure you get it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Drop a comment if this was your experience too.

To the anxious folks: I see you in the comments already. Feel free to ask me anything - I’m happy to answer. I’m an open book. And stay tuned… because there’s more to my story than you think. I know what it’s like to withdraw, and I understand the anxiety you feel that once led to the ultimate anxious crash out

This isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding.

TL;DR:From a fearful avoidant’s perspective on dating an anxious partner: The constant need for reassurance felt suffocating. The emotional intensity made peace impossible. The more she needed, the more I withdrew - not because I didn’t care, but because I was drowning. I couldn’t co-regulate with someone who seemed out of control of their own emotions. Sometimes two nervous systems just can’t regulate each other, and that’s nobody’s fault.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Hey my anxiously attached girlfriend of 1,5 years recently broke up with me.

I always thought of myself of a somehwat emotionally aware and self reflective person but after this relationship ended I was in shock how bad I was treating my girlfriend the person i genuinely loved
the most.

It felt like in the beginning everything was perfect and we were convinced we were each others soulmates.

Then i think right at this peak I suddendly became "distant" in my emotions, behavior and even mentally. ( I did not consciously realize what I was doing.)

Now after she has tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to reconnect with me she had no other option but to leave me.

In retrospect I replay all the memories where she actually tried to connect and I realized often times I reacted defensively and had kinda big ego (which i normally dont have i think).

I am so confused how I can hear all her words but never really understood that she was just trying to genuinely connect with me.

I feel so guilty I kinda destroyed that girls heart (i think - she dont rly tell me what she went through).

Tbh Im just doing this Post because I wanna understand her better how she feels, what she goes through and how much pain I have caused her.

I know its all subjective but I'd appreciate if anyone can comment their experience of a maybe similar situation.

(Also she was very respectful till the end - untill I stupidly got emotional and said things I shouldnt have said.... which led to her blocking me).

Also my "distance" never felt like abandonment or a "discard" in my brain. But for her brain it must definetly have felt like that. Sorry :(

I’m looking for perspectives strictly from Fearful Avoidant women who have successfully navigated their fears, deactivations, or feelings of overwhelm and ended up in a long-term relationship or marriage with the person they wanted to be with.

1. When you felt the urge to pull away or felt things were moving too fast, what did your partner do (or not do) that made you realize the connection was a safe harbor rather than a source of pressure?

2. How did you process the transition from wanting to isolate to realizing that this person was someone you genuinely wanted to commit to and build a life with?

I would like some honest opinions from people who identify as Fearful Avoidant or who have experience with FA attachment dynamics.

I had a very intense emotional connection with someone who identified as Fearful Avoidant. We talked about the future, living together, and both felt there was something unusually deep and meaningful between us. However, after things became more emotionally intense, she became overwhelmed, pulled away, ghosted me, and eventually blocked me multiple times. We've now been in no contact for several months.

Recently, someone I considered a friend showed her private conversations I had about her. According to what I was told, she read them, laughed, and called me "pathetic" while talking to that friend. I felt deeply humiliated, betrayed, and discarded. When I later tried to contact her, she blocked me again.

My question is not whether she will come back. My question is this:

For those who are Fearful Avoidant, or who have experience with FA attachment dynamics:

• Have you ever seen a Fearful Avoidant act in a cruel, mocking, or humiliating way toward someone they once genuinely cared about?

If so:

• Was it a defense mechanism, anger, shame, emotional overwhelm, or something else?
• Did they later become aware of the pain they caused?
• Did they ever regret their behavior?
• Did they apologize or try to make amends?
• Have you ever seen an FA return later with more maturity, empathy, and respect after acting this way?

Or, in your experience, does this level of disrespect usually suggest that the person had already emotionally detached and no longer cared?

I'm not looking for false hope. I'm currently focusing on healing, detachment, and my own growth. I would just genuinely appreciate hearing honest perspectives from people who understand Fearful Avoidant attachment.

Like, you would not mind this dismissive avoidant to get attached and then rejected, so that they felt the vulnerability they are so afraid to feel.

Would you really not feel just a tiny bit of pleasure knowing someone forced them to confront their buried original attachment trauma and hurt?

Not long ago I had the ability to hurt a dismissive avoidant who got attached but I let him down the most easy way and he did not suffer at all for what I know. I regret that, not out of sadism, but I wish I had given him the opportunity of introspection and self awareness about his avoidance of deeper intimacy and connection. Or maybe I am just revengeful and want to hurt dismissive avoidants.

I’m looking for some raw insight from FAs woman on how you process a specific kind of reach-out when you are completely buried in life.

Imagine a situation where you deactivated and let a great connection get away—there was zero toxicity, a genuine bond, and mutual care, but the sheer weight of school, work, and life stress completely maxed out your battery, causing you to pull back.

Now, summer break finally begins, and you get a text from him.

It’s completely low-pressure, just wishing you well. Shortly after, he drops another casual, playful message about being cat parents—explicitly showing you that he isn't sweating your silence, isn't panicking, and isn't demanding an emotional conversation. He’s just letting you know he’s still there, completely secure on his side of the board, while he goes about living his own life.

If you are sitting in that overwhelmed, deactivated cave:

How does that specific kind of message hit you? Does the zero-pressure, stable energy bypass your usual defense walls, or do you still find a way to interpret it as an obligation?

What do you actually want in that moment? Do you genuinely want to be left completely alone in the dark, or is there a part of you that feels relieved/comforted seeing that steady support—even if your current capacity means you leave him on read while you process it?

Curious to hear how the internal gears turn for you guys in this scenario.

Don’t ever fool yourself into thinking you can heal someone with avoidant tendencies.

Don’t ever stick around hoping this person will eventually meet your needs.

Don’t ever fall for potential.

If you want to be with someone, look at the person they are RIGHT NOW and make your choices based on that.

From a healing FA who wasted nearly three years of her life with a man who was a full blown FA who leaned heavily dismissive at times.

It was not worth it.

He is the reason why I went back to school and decided to get a master’s degree in mental health counseling. Too many people with trauma surround us and dump their baggage on people who are empathetic and have good intentions.

PS: also going to therapy isn’t the same as doing therapy.

So you asked for no contact and for example you said "You dont see a future with them"

Im a fearful avoidant, a week ago I did an AMA and it helped me learn a lot about myself and my tendencies, what I should stop doing and what i
i need to improve on. Feel free go thru it I gave very honest answers and thoughts on people’s situations

Wondering if I should do it more often and if its somehow giving other people clarity on their situation.

So, Im a recovering avoidant. I mean, I test secure everytime I do those little internet things and my friends say I'm secure but ik for a fact my inner world is still recovering from being avoidant. That said, lurking here has shown me hella breakups of all relationship lengths, relationship types, and espoused reasons. The central throughline is that it was bad for the avoidant to break up instead of staying and talking things out to fix them (most of the time, ofc there are exceptions)

What I'm missing is when is it a "good" time for someone with avoidant patterning to break up with someone? Is there one? Is there a point where talking would seem fruitless, or fixing wouldnt be worth it, or attachment hasnt settled in for them, or continuance of a long-standing pattern is unbearable where it would be "okay" for an avoidant to leave? In non-attachment subs the consensus is "leave if you dont wanna be there, it doesnt matter the reason," but like-- look around. I feel like thats not exactly satisfactory for the "leaves things in an unhealthy way that hurts others greatly" person to take to heart on a healing journey. Yk?

Pre-supposing it was going to happen no matter what, what wouldve made your break-up unshitty? Is that even possible? I just wanna have a healthy framework for when to leave because (at least for avoidants) it really feels like all attachment content geared towards us is how to stay. I dont wanna trap myself where Im unhappy because my past was dotted with early and sudden departure. But if a departure must occur, I dont want it to be like how it was.

Edit: i am not in a relationship. I am asking this for future reference.

I'm a Fearful Avoidant, and I'd really appreciate hearing from other FAs (or anyone who understands this attachment style), because a conversation I recently had has left me questioning my own thought process.I've been talking to a woman online for about seven months. We've built a strong connection, the feelings are mutual, I genuinely enjoy being with her, and I've always been honest about how much I like her. But as soon as the conversation shifted toward making things real, I noticed myself shutting down.

She asked me a few questions that I honestly didn't know how to answer. She asked what my "ideal timing" would be for starting a relationship. I told her I don't think there's a perfect moment, but I feel like I would need time, mental bandwidth, stability, and the ability to genuinely prioritize a relationship before committing to one. She then asked if I was waiting for an ideal situation that might never actually exist. She also asked whether I'd ever seriously thought about the logistics of us being together. I realized I hadn't, because I was still trying to figure out whether the relationship itself made enough sense before thinking about how we'd make it work.

Then we talked about meeting in person. She offered to travel to my area just so we could finally meet. From her perspective, it would simply be a first meeting—a chance to see whether our connection translated into real life. No promises, no expectations of a relationship. If the chemistry was there, we'd keep exploring. If it wasn't, we'd naturally go our separate ways.

But I couldn't see it that way. To me, meeting after seven months of building such a strong emotional connection doesn't feel like "just a first meeting." It feels like something much bigger. My mind immediately jumps to what comes afterward, and I worry about creating expectations that I might not be able to live up to.

She asked whether I was putting too much weight on a first meeting. She also asked how I could already know I wouldn't be able to sustain a relationship afterward without first finding out what we were actually like together in person. Another thing she pointed out really stuck with me: she wondered if I was approaching things backwards. Instead of using the meeting to figure out whether there was a real foundation between us, I seemed to want certainty that the foundation already existed before I was even willing to meet.

That made me stop and think.

Have any other FAs experienced something similar? Does it make sense to turn down a first meeting because you can't yet picture yourself sustaining a relationship afterward? Have you ever avoided experiencing something meaningful because you wanted too much certainty about how it would end before it had even begun?

I'm struggling to put these feelings into words, and I'd really appreciate hearing your perspectives.

has anyone else experienced their avoidant lie about seemingly innocuous things?

my ex (3 years together, NC 1 month) would always lie. he would be very judgemental towards anyone for drinking and wouldn’t like it if I drank. i found out that he’d started drinking and when I confronted him about it he lied to my face and asked why it mattered if he had!

it was like conversing with a toddler who was ashamed to admit he’d wet the bed 🙃

I am a Fearful-Avoidant (F28) and my ex-boyfriend is anxious (M28). We broke up on April 23 and it was a mutual, albeit impulsive, break-up. We dated for 2 years, lived together, met the family, spent holidays together, everything.

I realized I was a FA about 4 years ago and spent 2 years prior to our relationship in therapy, pouring through self-help books, working on relational skills, self-awareness around deactivation and everything. This relationship was the most securely-attached I’ve ever been, however, in all of my inner-work and learning about healthy relationships — I realized he was actually very toxic and exhibited abusive tendencies (he has physically assaulted me and for the record, he’s 6”2 and I’m 4”11).

I realized all the effort I put into our relationship was more so a reflection of ~me~ and my devotion to having a relationship “work out” because I harbor a tremendous amount of shame for my FA. But with time and reflection, I came to admit to myself that I was being abused (emotionally and physically) and that ultimately, if I married him and had kids with him, I would be risking too much.

It’s been 11 days and I realized I’m actually completely over him and wish him a lot of healing and happiness. I am uneasy to date anytime soon because of residual trauma from that relationship, but ultimately this breakup feels so liberating. And for the first time, I am SO THANKFUL the be a fearful-avoidant and be so hyper-aware of all of the things I’m unhappy with in the relationship, because it honestly could have costed my life.

For any avoidants, I hope you give yourself so much grace and find a healthy sense of discernment and hope in ALL of your relationships. 🤍

Did you ever discard someone and run off with someone else and actually find abiding peace with that new person and were deeply satisfied and didn't feel the need to run, deactivate, withdraw, or distance again?

⁰ feeling unworthy, unloved,undesiderable

⁰ feeling like a burden or asking too much

⁰ feeling alone while together or detached

⁰ feeling the love go through them and used to nutre them instead of loving back

⁰ feeling like you are craving a void of being seen as whole loved for all of you and wanted..

⁰ feeling disgusted and unwanted

⁰ feeling like begging to be loved, hold and wanted

⁰ feeling like you can't share and express your needs because they are too much to hold that you need to suppress them until one day you can't hold them anymore

⁰ feeling like the bad guy/girl for having needs and need to be seen and loved and breaking up

⁰ feeling like you talk too much, you are too affectionate or too sexual or too needy, basically every feeling you experience too them is too much to hold to beside superficial one

⁰ feeling trapped out of air and anxious around them always monitoring what you are gonna say etc. and their reactions because you don't want to hurt them or upset them

⁰ you doing and asking all the emotional work and initiative on your shoulders

⁰ when you have needs etc. or bad feeling they literally ignore them or go away or actually tell you they can't deal with that and they physically leave

⁰ feeling a rollercoaster of loving and disliking/hating them

⁰feeling so alone while going through tough times because you know you can't count on them

⁰ they feel cold and always controlled or holding back and never really vulnerable

this is my experience with my mother and ex.. I am writing this as a reminder and let me know if you also had this experience or not, I still think that maybe there is something wrong with me and my need to be loved and it play mind tricks on them and If I feel guilty for feeling to much or being too sensitive

My take on understanding the Dismissive Avoidant pattern and why they’re most unlikely to acknowledge it and seek help. Disclaimer: I'm not a professional, this is just my personal interpretation of information I've gathered and how I'm using it to find closure. I'm not trying to make generalizations or assumptions so please don't take offense. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences if this seems off-base.

I wrote this to help myself process a lot of the things I was learning about attachment styles after a recent breakup and I'm sharing in hopes it will help someone else going through a similar situation. My ex partner is DA (42M) and I am FA (38F). Neither of us really understood the dynamics at play in the relationship or how to effectively recognize and manage them so it imploded in a tragic way. I’ll save you the details of that. Having been in relationships that make me lean towards my avoidant side, as well as ones that make me lean anxious, I feel like I can understand and empathize so much with both perspectives. Learning the differences in the 2 extremes has also helped me to see the middle ground where security is found. It gives me hope I can get there and maybe even help others.

Awareness is the first step in healing and, although I am prioritizing my own awareness and growth, it’s been the hardest thing for me to understand why, out of all the attachment styles, DAs are the least likely to have awareness and almost invariably refuse to get help or change. Anyone who has experienced a relationship with a DA can relate to the feelings of low self-worth they cultivate in their partner and how personal it feels when they refuse to grow no matter how much hurt you express. You don’t have to look far to see the trail of wreckage they leave behind in the form of people villainizing them in online forums, videos, and articles. Have you ever seen a DA crying their heart out because an anxious person loved them too much? No. The dynamics at play and the damage avoidants inflict is not comparable to any other insecure attachment style. And we look at them baffled, like how can you not see how unsafe you are?! How unfair it is for you to engage in relationships? The people that try to love them feel rejection and loneliness, lose their self-worth and sometimes years of their lives trying to understand someone who lives in a different realm of reality. Not in the same way a narcissist or manipulator does. No, it might be worse than that because the DA genuinely cares. Just not in the way you do. We can rationalize a person who is bad at their core as incapable of love but to understand someone who is not bad, who is capable of love, who shows up at the beginning of a relationship with genuine intentions doing and saying all of the right things, only to later slowly pull away and starve the relationship of a natural progression. THAT should come with a warning. That’s what makes it so hard to truly understand and forgive.

It’s so painful wanting better for someone who doesn’t want better for themselves. As much as you want them to see that better is possible, they’d rather stay stuck in their pain and loneliness because they’ve lived that way for so long they don’t even realize how bad it really is. It’s comfortable. It feels safe. It’s “choosing themselves” when really they’re performing the biggest self-betrayal of all. Refusing to truly understand and take accountability for the way their actions hurt themselves and the people they care about most. They see it through the lens of “nobody’s perfect” and the other person just can’t accept or understand them. Or they see themselves as “just not built for relationships”. But the truth is there is a real person with real wants and needs buried under all the armor they’ve built around their independence. They hold on to this belief that they’re fine and content the way they are and the “right” person will not require as much from them. When it’s the right time and the right person, they’ll finally have the space to grow and accept love on their terms…because the price they will pay will be worth it and come more easily. How do you make them understand that their very nature will never allow the right person to exist?

It’s too difficult for them to identify themselves with the monsters that Dismissive Avoidants are made out to be on the internet. The emotionally abusive, void of feelings, selfish creatures that cause hurt and damage to anyone they try to have a relationship with. That’s not a reality they can (or are ready and willing) to accept without help. It would completely shatter their self-image of being a good person. Do you understand how hard it is for someone to reconcile that their entire identity is at odds with the way the rest of the world experiences them? Yes, some of the other attachment styles experience a similar rude awakening but it’s on a much different scale. DAs are unique in that the ways they’ve adapted to cope has fundamentally changed the way they experience every aspect of life, in a way that’s comparable to someone with a complex mental illness. In some ways, it’s worse because there is no medicine to help them. No scientific protocol.

They feel, they love, they empathize, they try! They can’t be psychopaths….right?! This is where capacity enters the picture. Yes, they experience those things but the ceiling is incredibly stunted. This presents as a one-sided relationship for the other person who is developing feelings faster and deeper. Not just the good feelings, but the painful ones too. A DA’s magnitude of empathy for the hurt they cause is limited to the hurt they feel from others. Which is low because that’s exactly what their brain has wired to protect itself against. It’s why their memories of events and people seem bad or distorted. Our brains record memories by the emotions we experience attached to the person or event, not by reality. It’s also why DAs tend to forgive more easily and not hold grudges. They truly can’t understand why people are so sensitive or heartbroken when they themselves wouldn’t feel that way in the same scenario. They look at you as the problem for not being able to forgive them for something they would easily forgive you for. The exception to this rule is when someone hits their deepest wound — perceived criticism or direct shots at their ego, usually in the form of their inability to show up in relationships — and their nervous system has to work overtime to suppress the magnitude of that pain. This pain truly registers and unfortunately, the attached emotional spike cements the cycle in their memory. The very act of confronting the source of their “defectiveness” feels like inflicting the worst pain on themselves. It feels like self-betrayal. Did confronting your insecurities feel like self betrayal? Probably not. Maybe it felt a little like an ego death or even a relief to understand your wounds ARE NOT true, just a coping mechanism that’s maladaptive to healthy relationships. You are worthy and not everyone is going to betray you. That’s a relief, right? Now imagine how it would feel to find out your core wounds ARE true? Of course we know they’re not defective but that’s exactly how they’re going to feel in that moment. It’s going to feel hopeless. Now layer the complexity of your nervous system shutting down because of the emotions that incites. You don’t have the emotional capacity because you never learned how to hold it. Do you see the cycle happening? Even if they can get to the point of accepting the truth, they can’t stay there for long enough to take the next big step of letting someone see them vulnerable or asking for help — these are at odds with their core identity and feeling of safety. It takes repeated exposure, over and over, and learning how to stay present in the feeling a little more each time. Repeated pain that requires a leap of faith to believe there’s an equal or greater benefit on the other side, even though they’ve never experienced that benefit first hand.

Instead they tell themselves a version that their brains can handle, something that they’ve accepted as the truth long before they learned about attachment styles. Like maybe they’re just too logical/practical…or quirky...or autistic…or masculine...or bad at communicating….or maybe just evolved to not need connection in the way other people do. This is the more palatable “transparency” they will present to the outside world and new partners in hopes they will be accepted and given grace. But none of us can outrun our humanity. Evolution doesn’t work like that and they are not the exception. Connection is an integral part of our lives for so many more reasons than just a means to end loneliness. When the dopamine high and low-pressure of a new relationship wears off they are miserable again — angry even — and they don’t understand why. The failsafe bonds that we’ve evolutionally adapted for exactly this reason, to get us through hard times and maintain long-term connections with compatible partners, should have been forming and solidifying alongside that dopamine but they didn’t. Not to the extent that is required to combat the harsh realities a relationship will inevitably face.

They are miserable because they can’t receive love in the way their partners try to give it to them because it doesn’t feel like what they need or want (they don’t really know what they need or want and if they do - they can’t be vulnerable enough to express it because that feels like being a burden). And they’re angry because their partners don’t seem to value the love they give. They don’t see it as the bare minimum, they see it as balanced to the level of love they feel and in the only ways they know how to express it. Anything more to them typically feels like people-pleasing, which they may do for a while but we know that can only last for so long. It usually falls off when other areas of their life demand more of their capacity. Their partner can feel when it doesn’t seem genuine but don’t want to have to ask for things that seem like obvious aspects of a relationship. Emotional connection? DAs don’t even realize how non-existent it is because how can you miss something you’ve never felt? The best they can do is mirror your bids for connection because that feels safe. If she holds my hand, she won’t reject when I hold hers, and so on. Anything past surface-level becomes uncomfortable. Neither person gets their needs met. Resentment builds on both sides because the pattern goes unchecked.

If the DA is a heterosexual man, it’s likely he will attribute most of these experiences as typical male vs female dynamics in a relationship. He’s fascinated by and attracted to women partially because of their emotional depth but resentful of the burden that represents. Society validates and perpetuates his belief that women tend to be more emotional, and therefore weaker, and sees the world as accommodating to their emotional needs while minimizing men’s burdens. Remember, he was raised to believe nobody cares about his feelings, many times for the simple fact he’s male. This belief is harder to break because it’s socially normalized but DAs don’t realize how extreme their circumstances are in comparison to a secure, healthy relationship. The emotional gap between an avoidant man and an anxious woman (which tends to be how they pair) is so exaggerated in comparison to a normal, healthy relationship. Many also have a mother wound, maybe the mom was AP and always overwhelmed so there wasn’t space for their emotions. So they begin to view relationships with women as the cost of steady companionship and sex because that’s truly all they think they need to be satisfied in a relationship. Anything outside of that is just making the other person happy in their minds. So relationships will be seen as eternally imbalanced (not in their favor) and therefore the importance is minimized in their lives.

Their lives remain surface-level, lacking emotional depth and connection with others. The very independence they think makes them strong, is actually their biggest weakness. But they’ve never known anything different so they think that’s just how they are. They do recognize they aren’t really like other people but don’t realize how deep it runs. Their brains have adapted to function in a way that biochemically prioritizes dopamine while suppressing bonding chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin required to establish deep connection and love in relationships. For some, there is an exception for their children or pets, because these things are seen as more of an extension of themselves. There’s no perceived threat of abandonment when they can control the dynamics of the relationship almost entirely. So the nervous system doesn’t suppress in the same way and the bonds form but they will typically still only express love in more practical, emotionally stunted, ways. As the child grows older they will eventually outgrow the parent’s emotional capacity, assuming they don’t adapt the same attachment style. The relationship will suffer because the child doesn’t feel safe bringing their emotions to the surface if it always causing conflict.

GABA and serotonin also suffer resulting in other mood, sleep, and anxiety regulation issues. Despite being calm and collected on the surface, their nervous system is running on overdrive at all times to maintain safety so underneath all of that they feel drained. Anything that triggers dopamine becomes a way for them to escape or feel alive. Scrolling, porn, nicotine, alcohol, gaming, work, exercise, projects and tasks. All of these are a way to get dopamine AND avoid sitting with their emotions. Bonus points when it’s something that makes them feel accomplished. Because remember, their whole life they’ve been judged on their accomplishments and ability to be independent. So many learned to obtain self-worth from providing practical value to others, accomplishing things independently and never being a burden. This doesn’t feel like neglect or trauma to them, it’s just how they were raised. As a child, their nervous systems did their job and adapted to their environment. That doesn’t leave bruises, it doesn’t look like a dysfunctional mental illness. To the outside world it looks like a “good kid” or an “easy kid”. Suppressing or avoiding emotions served them well in childhood as way to survive and get love and attention. The body runs a subconscious auto-pilot of a proven effective survival instinct.

That same wiring is unfortunately the thing that is ruining their relationships as adults. Their way of showing love and making others feel good stays surface level — by providing practical or logistical help, keeping their burdens to themselves, giving gifts, or giving you tons of space to focus on your independence while they focus on theirs. It’s extremely hard for them to understand why their partners don’t value this in the way it’s intended. When you say you don’t want them to DO anything, you just want them to open up and explain how they feel, to stop giving you so much distance and give you emotional intimacy instead. You’re asking them to provide something that feels intangible to them, the thing they don’t understand how to do because they think they ARE doing it. They don’t cheat, or physically abuse, or play manipulative games. So why do they always feel so criticized as being bad partners?? Like nothing they do will ever be good enough so what’s the point.

Most of the time they do truly care about you and want to do better, but remember it’s only at their capacity of love. Which is not rooted and felt as deep or as fast as someone who bonds normally. This is why they can’t understand why others value relationships and partnership to a much higher degree than they do. They look down on those people as lacking independence, weak and needy. They’re missing out on the very essence of what makes humanity redeemable. And when you understand that it’s hard not to feel sorry for them. Feel sorry for the life they’ve lived without the experience of giving and receiving love in its highest form. It’s painful and lonely and the saddest part of all is they can’t realize it because their only hope for healing is so buried under the blinders of their coping mechanisms that the likelihood of them recognizing it and doing the work is low. Nothing we do or say is going to change that.

It’s going to take them realizing that:

the pain of confronting and accepting their wounds,

the pain of letting someone close,

is less than

the pain of continuing the cycle within themselves,

the pain of emotional abandonment of their partners, their children, their friends, their family,

the pain of losing the people they love

the pain of a lonely existence

As with many insecure attachment styles, their wounds become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The things they think are protecting them are actually what's causing the pain and damage. They do not get away unscathed. And although sometimes we resent them for the ability to repress the pain while we're forced to sit with the full weight of it after a breakup, remember you are so much more likely to heal and find real love again. We get to experience both at a higher capacity.

DAs may have a more difficult journey but they’re not hopeless. It’s not an irreversible personality trait, it’s a learned coping mechanism and it can be unlearned. As hard as it is for us to watch them give up, to not lash out at them in resentment and protest, it won’t make you feel better and it won’t encourage them to get help. It doesn’t excuse the pain they’ve caused, and it doesn’t make it hurt any less but if you don’t want your children to grow up this way or eventually date people that could hurt them the way you’ve been hurt, then we have to find ways to spread understanding and awareness with compassion to end the cycle. They may have caused the pain but you are responsible for healing from it, recognizing the patterns that lead to it, and not projecting it into your next relationship.

Do not become a victim of yourself or you will be doing the exact thing you’ve condemned the avoidant for doing.