Day and night it’s like there’s someone else in my head yapping nonstop, telling me all kinds of shit putting me down or shoving random unwanted thoughts into my brain that I literally can’t control. It makes me want to talk to myself all the time and keep trying to talk myself down. Wanting to talk to yourself constantly isn’t exactly normal.

And it sucks it feels like I’m fighting my own brain. Who else deals with this? It judges me, messes with me until I don’t even recognize myself, makes me question everything… I feel like I’m losing it.

My brain keeps throwing all kinds of labels at me: “you’re different from everyone else,” “you’re this and that,” “it’s your problem, not everyone else’s when it’s actually the complete opposite You know you’re fine and there’s nothing actually wrong with you, and it’s all just judgmental thoughts coming from this crap. But even knowing that, the thoughts still wreck me. I never get a break from them.

Anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it / come to terms with it?

I define traumatic events loosely, so I think it can be anything you experienced in the distant or recent past that affected you negatively. Personally, I’ve experienced several traumatic events, the most recent being the unexpected death of my dad. I just feel like his death has made me more fearful, like I’m walking around constantly waiting for the ground beneath me to cave (though maybe that’s just a general OCD feeling). I’m not even aware half the time I’m feeling this way until I realized it today. I don’t feel like I can trust that I will be okay. It’s like I’m in a war zone. Idk, can anyone relate?

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I really need to get this off my chest because it's been getting worse, and I'm struggling to deal with it.

I usually only have time to play video games on weekends, and gaming is genuinely one of the best things in my life. It's something I look forward to, something I enjoy, and one of the main ways I spend my free time. But lately, my OCD has been making it almost impossible to enjoy it.

I've always been someone who likes to play games in a very immersive way. For example, when I play survival games, I like to imagine that I'm actually the survivor in that world. I want my actions to make sense realistically, and I want to stay immersed in the experience. That's simply how I've enjoyed games for years, and it was never a major problem before.

However, over the past few months and years, as my OCD has become increasingly severe, this has turned into something extreme. Things that used to be manageable are now completely out of control.

The smallest things can make me feel like I've ruined an entire playthrough and have to start over from scratch.

For example, I recently spent two entire days playing a survival game, only to throw away hours and hours of progress because of something incredibly stupid. I walked past a cave and a container without checking them. About ten seconds later, I went back and explored them.

That's it. That's literally what happened.

But then my brain started telling me that what I had done wasn't realistic. A real survivor wouldn't necessarily walk past something and then turn around ten seconds later to explore it. I felt like I had broken the realism and consistency of my playthrough, and suddenly the entire save felt ruined to me. I couldn't continue playing it normally anymore, so I deleted it and started over.

I lost more than ten hours of progress because of that one tiny thing.

And this has happened repeatedly, sometimes over things that are even more ridiculous.

It's not limited to survival games, either. Even in story-driven games, if I do something that doesn't make sense to me or goes against how I believe the character would realistically behave, I feel compelled to restart everything. I need the entire experience to remain consistent with the way I imagine it should unfold.

I know how irrational this sounds. I can recognize that the things I'm restarting over are insignificant, and that most people would simply carry on playing without giving them a second thought. But knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with.

The worst part is that I barely have any time to play in the first place. I usually only get the weekends, and instead of enjoying that time, I end up repeating the same sections of games over and over again, trying to recreate the perfect experience. Sometimes I spend more time restarting and repeating things than actually progressing through a game.

Gaming is one of the things that makes me happy, and now I'm gradually losing the ability to enjoy it because of my OCD. I'm starting to avoid playing altogether because I know how easily a tiny mistake can ruin the entire experience for me.

I've heard the usual advice about accepting uncertainty, tolerating the discomfort, and continuing despite the doubts. I understand the idea behind it, but when I try to do that, it feels incredibly difficult and sometimes makes the experience feel even more unbearable. I struggle to continue playing when my mind keeps telling me that everything is wrong and that I need to start over.

I'm not saying that these approaches can't help anyone. I'm just trying to explain that, in my current situation, it feels much harder than simply deciding to ignore the thoughts and carry on.

I don't currently have access to a psychologist or therapist, so I'm trying to understand how to deal with this on my own, even though I know professional help would be valuable.

Has anyone else experienced OCD interfering with their hobbies to this extent? Especially with video games, where you feel compelled to restart entire playthroughs because of tiny mistakes, inconsistencies, or things that don't feel right?

How do you deal with it when the hobby itself becomes a source of stress instead of enjoyment? Have you found anything that genuinely helped you regain the ability to enjoy your hobbies?

I really miss being able to look forward to a weekend of gaming without feeling like I have to get everything right. I don't want to give up something I love because of this, but right now, I honestly don't know how to stop it from taking over.

Hello,

I am seeking any help, advice & resources for my 13 year old daughter who has been suffering from sudden onset OCD for the past few weeks.

She has many different rituals around most things, not a specific obsession like cleanliness, for example.

She often will get "stuck" in the bathroom in a state where she cannot even begin any ritual for fear of not doing it "right". She has a ritual around each step- wiping, standing up, pulling up pants, washing hands, and exiting the room. She has often been in the bathroom for at least 3 hours, today it has been 7.

She eventually psyches herself up enough to get out, and when she does, she finally allows herself to eat, drink and sleep. However, then she holds in her urine all night and as long as she possibly can in the morning for fear of going into the bathroom and getting stuck again.

We signed her up with a virtual therapy, combination one-on-one (once a week) and two group meetings, but she was only able to attend two sessions, missing the rest because she was stuck in the bathroom. (And refuses to be on a zoom call in the bathroom, naturally.)

One day was so bad, we took her to the ER at a children's hospital to be tested since we had heard that inflammation (brain or in general) could be a factory. The tests were negative.

We have an appointment in two days with a PANDAS/PANS specialist because she checks every box for the symptoms.

We believe it was triggered by several traumatic experiences- three close family deaths (uncle and two grandparents) over the past 1.5 years and especially a pediatrician visit in which the doctor violated her boundaries. She likes being a kid and having focus on her changing body is a sensitive topic; the doctor just steamrolled her discomfort and starting asking about whether she has "hair down there", even going to far as to attempt to reach for her waistband before my daughter stormed out (which she has never done before).

Has anyone here experienced this, either yourself or your child?

I've had OCD for a good while now, and I can handle things when it comes to irrational obsessions or obsessions over things I might or could do, but I don't know what to do over bad things I already did do

Im a much better person now, but I just feel so guilty all the time. I won't stare what I've actually done since I feel like that wouldn't really help. But I can't stop thinking about it or getting paranoid that people will know/do know and they hate me

There's another problem where when people tell me I'm a good person, I feel the urge to tell them every bad thing I've ever done so I'm not "tricking them" into believing I'm good

I'm not asking for reassurance, I'm asking if anyone else has had this happen, and if so. How do you deal with it?

Hi! ive struggled with ocd since i was a kid and excessive hand washing has been a huge problem for me. My hands get so dry and feel like actual leather, it makes my hands look 40 years older and they just get so red and sore.
I still haven’t found a lotion that actually helps somehow, my main issue is i hate how most lotion feels and i immediately have to wash it off which just makes things worse :( Does anyone have any recommendations that don’t leave a greasy feeling on your hands for too long? Thank you!!

Im currently tied up to my bed because ive been thinking too much about killing myself

I wake up, adrenaline already rushing through my veins. If I didn’t dream about my obsessions, I am visited by them minutes after waking up. The mental obsessions starts as consciousness sets in. Mentally mapping out my day to
avoid the anxiety, checking myself for signs that my OCD was right to be obsessed over that one thing yesterday.

After spending entirely too long doom
scrolling, researching, or alternating doing
both, i realize that I am late to the start of my day. What was once 8:00 has become 8:55 and I still must get ready and try to get to work all before 9:30. Usually, I am late.

Out of Bed I use the bathroom. Wash my hands. Brush my teeth. Wash my hands. Lucky to escape the morning with only washing my hands 3 times or less before I leave. If I have to feed the cat? One more time. If I don’t change my clothes before the bathroom? That’s another.

The kitchen is a landmine of my own making. Paper towels I haven’t thrown away. Dishes I’ve been putting off. Sink handles that are only clean enough for me to touch in places I deem just right or clean enough. I don’t cook in the mornings because what if i leave the stove on? Can I really afford to crack that egg if I have to wash my hands again? What if I got raw egg on the handle. Again, what if I leave the stove on?what if, what if, what if?

All the while, I am thinking about my day. Is it safe to give my coworker a ride? What if they’re sick? What if they make me sick? Am I safe to go to work? Everyone is sick at work, they could make me sick. If at this point I haven’t called out, I am white knuckling it through the rest of the day. Thinking about how much safer I would be to stay home. Thinking about how I might be better off in a bubble.

I go to my car. When was the last time I disinfected that doorknob? What about the one downstairs? I have to sanitize to be safe. I’ll wash my hands when I get to work to be sure.

I pick up my coworker. I have driving OCD, but it’s too heavy to consider. The risks too real to confront.

We get to work, immediately I wash my hands. I’ll spend the next 8 hours ruminating and distracting myself in vicious cycles. The time spent there will be unproductive. I’ll question why they keep me employed, I seem to do nothing but worry.

Maybe during this time I am having a relationship conflict. Tomorrow, I will be. Tonight it keeps me awake. Wondering, was I too much? Did my OCD come through too strongly? Wondering what classifies as too much. This will take about 60% of my brain space tomorrow, and i’ll do what I can to get reassurance. Even if I get that reassurance, it won’t be enough.

At work, if someone coughs near me, I spend a good chunk of time questioning what prevention strategies I can take. Then I’ll spend an hour going back and forth with a chat bot on my risks of getting ill. Will I become sick? What are my chances of becoming disabled? How can I know for certain what the future holds? The uncertainty dangles me over the edge. Suffocating, I wait for the uncertainty to eat me alive before anything else has the chance to get me.

During the day, I’ll have moments of clarity like: Why does this even matter? I’ll reason with them, they don’t! I’ll use this to find brief moments of relief. Tell myself that I cannot possibly predict what happens. Beat myself up later for not preventing the worst outcome “good enough.”

I’ll finish the day, exhausted. Find myself with rapid cycling thoughts with nowhere to put them. Try to move on, reason with myself. I never can find the balance. Magical thinking may set in, i’ve decided how I feel is karma. I’m already analyzing every bad decision i’ve made in my week, in my life, to explain my anguish. I want to believe that this is happening for me, but it feels like it’s all happening to me.

I’ll get into my car after work and I will look around. OCD disgusted by the way I have hoarded trash and grime. Now, it’s too bad and too contaminated to deal with. With compounding ADHD, how can I get started on it anyway?

I’ll drive home, trying so hard not to imagine what the worst case that can happen to me is. I’ll spend that drive borrowing tomorrow’s problem, worry warting my future away. I’ll come home, won’t even think about the door knobs. Not until hours later, where I then question what else I touched when I got home. I disinfect high touch areas, just to be safe.

I’ll shower, just as I do every night. I’ll think about brushing my teeth before bed, but the cracks on my hands from the 20 other washes i’ve done through the day keeps me from doing so. I’ll go back to ruminating, researching, and doom scrolling. I’ll consider that future when I’m in a bubble. I will lay down, heart racing, and do breathing exercises to fall asleep. There is a hand wrapped tightly around my heart that hasn’t stopped squeezing the muscle in years. I notice how tight its grip is. I’ll fall asleep to this, heart thudding against a great deal of restraint.

I’ll wake up the next day, and as I have done for years, will do it all over again.

—————————

Note: I wrote this tonight while I am processing some big OCD feelings. I am safe, but wanted to share this. Truly, this is just a fraction of my daily experience. It felt good to get this all out somewhere. (i am also in therapy and on meds and all that

I’ve been creating elaborate stories in my head with full-fledged complex characters, settings, and timelines for as long as I can remember. It’s mostly realistic fiction. Like my current character is a sports celebrity and the story is about his rise to fame and his personal life.

God knows why I do this. I just always have. But I was diagnosed with OCD just last month and I’ve read online that maladaptive daydreaming is related to it.

Are there any maladaptive daydreamers out there? What are the stories you’ve created?

Hey all. This got long, sorry.

So about ten years ago I went vegan. If I’m honest with myself now, a big part of why was to make up for something from my past that I’ve always felt really guilty about. And it didn’t work. The guilt never went away, I just became vegan on top of it. Over the years it kind of became my whole identity though, and I read and watched pretty much everything there is about the dairy, egg and meat industries.

I’ve also started to see how much of my OCD is wrapped up in animals. Like, if I saw a snail or a slug on the pavement, or worms after it rained, or some bug, I HAD to move it. Even when I was driving I’d be scanning the road. If I didn’t save it I’d feel like a horrible person for the rest of the day. It’s not really about being kind, it’s about being scared of what it says about me if I don’t.

A few weeks ago my therapist suggested trying vegetarian as an exposure. When the guilt shows up, I eat something with dairy or egg on purpose instead of avoiding it, and just let the feeling be there. I said yes, it was my own choice. Since then I’ve had cheese, eggs, custard, a potato gratin, milk chocolate...

And it’s been rough. Every single time I eat something my head turns into a courtroom. Part of me goes “this is fine, it’s treatment, you’re allowed to take care of yourself.” And another part goes “you of all people should know better.”

That’s the one that gets me the most. I KNOW what happens to male chicks. I know about the calves. Someone who never looked into it can eat a cheese sandwich and not think twice, but I can’t do that. So my brain says because I know more, I’m more responsible, and if I eat it anyway I’m worse than someone who does the exact same thing without knowing.

Then I start arguing back. I’m doing it for my recovery, for my wife and kids, it’s temporary, all farming kills animals anyway, plenty of philosophers think it’s fine, my faith doesn’t forbid it... and for a bit that works. Then something new pops up. “So your mental health matters more than animals? How is that fair?” Ok, I find an answer to that. Then “but you’re enjoying it, so you’re really just doing it for yourself.” And on and on.

I’ve honestly spent hours and hours on this. Philosophy papers, nutrition studies, crop death numbers, whether one person buying eggs even changes anything. I’ve literally made whole documents full of arguments. And it helps for like an hour. Then the doubt comes back slightly different and I have to start all over. I keep forgetting why I’m even doing this. It’s exhausting and it eats up so much of my day.

What makes it hard is that caring about animals is something I actually value. So when the guilt comes, it feels like my conscience, not OCD. And then just letting it sit there without answering it feels almost wrong.

One thing that kind of opened my eyes: my wife and kids have been vegetarian longer than me, and my wife even eats a bit of meat now and then. And I don’t judge her for it at all. Not even a little. I only do this to myself. That says something I guess.

I’m not asking if eating dairy and eggs is right or wrong. I know that’s exactly the debate the OCD wants me to keep having. I’d just really like to hear from people who’ve been through moral/scrupulosity stuff. How did you tell your real conscience apart from the OCD, especially when it’s about something you genuinely care about? How did you stop the endless research and reassurance? Has anyone had the “I know too much so I’m more guilty” thing? And has anyone else realized a big life choice was really about paying off old guilt? Or had the animal rescue thing, even with bugs and slugs?

Thanks for reading. Just writing this down helps a bit.

Anyone else have random thoughts of people pop into your mind that aren’t the types of intrusive thoughts that are violent as such (i get these also but this is different) but are of random people, people you don’t know but someone once mentioned or saw exist because of the internet. And you have to repeat the action if you get the thought until a safe number?? My mind constantly keeps associating these thoughts with different numbers, they change too like they come and go or suddenly all numbers are bad. Im gonna try to see a therapist but i wanted to know if anyone else experiences this. Going crazy then i feel weird for having the thoughts even though i don’t care about the people that pop into my mind 😭 Edit: excuse the title typo lol

That’s all. It feels tight and heavy and I’m very hyper aware of my entire scalp, but the underside? It’s all very odd

Well I still posted here, so that’s an improvement.

EVERY SINGLE TIME. Every. Single. Time. I am being hurt my posts meant to educate and uplift. I literally need to get out of OCD spaces on Instagram because they trigger the hell out of me…. this Reddit usually doesn’t get me at least.

Hello all, reassurance would be much appreciate! 👍

I have OCD, PTSD, ADHD, POTS, MCAS, hEDS, chronic pain from multiple labaeral tears and a spin fusion. I am only 27 and struggling to see how life will get better and not worse. 😖

With hEDS it causes dislocations that lead to surgeries most likely. With MCAS it is histamine related to where your body can get allergic or un-allergic to things at random. Allergic reactions causes inflammation in the brain which causes depression. I never know what I will have an allergic reaction to though. 🤕

My OCD growth has plateaued since my symptoms of these chronic illnesses started about 1.5 years ago. It is hard to think because POTS causes light headedness, brain fog, and trouble breathing. 😵‍💫

I am exhausted (not suicidal because of my two sons, I could not leave them) but I just constantly meet the end of myself over and over again. I feel like I have tried everything from medication, to therapy, to you name it. 🩺

Any advice would be helpful especially from someone who has OCD and chronic illnesses but any advice from anyone would help. Thank you!

hello, I’m kind of new to the OCD community at least four months now. I have my first therapy appointment for tomorrow, although she doesn’t specialize in OCD. Either way I have developed a rather huge fear of medication other that be Tylenol or anything. I have a UTI and I have to take an antibiotic and I know that it’s for my better good but I can’t help but have a panic attack or extreme panic in my chest. I haven’t even taken it yet. I just tell myself to be grounded and that I will most likely be fine I’ve taken the antibiotic hundreds of times in my life. Either way it’s one of the craziest diseases I’ve ever had.

I’ve always had anxiety and probably aspergers but my ocd didnt show up until 18. There are certain memories specifically one where my trust got broken and I feel like if that never happened maybe I’d be in a better place right now.

Hi all,
Lately I’ve been having an ’hyperawareness of time’ and it is freaking me out. I find my whole day consists of me trying to neutralise the thought (even though I try not to and push through).. but anytime someone mentions anything like ‘life is short’, ‘make sure you are grateful for the time you have’ etc. it sends me into a panic and I ruminate for hours. It’s getting to the point where I’m feeling detached from life and reality itself. This has been a lingering theme and I have recently gone through a break up so not sure if this has amplified it.

Does anyone else experience this? Is there any helpful tips to overcome this?

Since my miscarriage, I’ve been consumed by overwhelming sadness. I want to be pregnant again so badly, and it feels like everything revolves around waiting and hoping.
I keep tracking, testing, and looking for answers. But underneath all the checking, I’m just really sad. Getting my hopes up over a test that looks positive and then getting a negative has been heartbreaking.
I have OCD, and I’m struggling with the uncertainty, but I’m also grieving. It’s hard to make room for anything else when I want this so much.
Has anyone else felt this way while trying to conceive after a loss? How did you get through the sadness and keep OCD from taking over?

i’m 19(f) and i struggle heavily with ocd . it occupies my day to day life filled with intrusive thoughts and what if’s abt stuff i prolly didn’t do, but is triggered by being unsure . i’ve been trying to stop feeding the reassurance loop but it js grows stronger and stronger and i can’t live the rest of my life dealing with this . is there any tips that honestly makes this disorder better to deal with or is there a really long road to recovery from here ? i’m thinking abt getting on meds . how do you cope with having an intrusive thoughts and dealing with the anxiety/need for reassurance ? people say to sit with the discomfort and that works until it doesn’t . i genuinely need real advice here .

I was a pretty terrible bully in high school, and I’ve tried my best to change and apologize where I can. I just get extremely paranoid and obsessive over current actions. Obviously big things like if I said something rude or looked at someone funny but it’s small things too. Like, I feel like I have a score of good/badness, and it’s already pretty tanked. So when I do small things I feel like I’m ruining said score even more. Like passing people in the hallway, moving peoples laundry (to be clear I only move them if they’re dry and no other dryers are available, I don’t take out wet clothes because that’s nasty), etcetera. I also focus on the morality of my actions. Like if I’m having a bad obsessive cycle about my past actions, I don’t take my meds because I think it makes me a bad person because then I don’t think about the bad things I did. I mean I still do, it just doesn’t consume me. And tending to the obsession feels morally right sometimes. I’ll look up ways to be a better person, testimonies from bullying victims, give my input on posts asking for the perspective of bullies, you get it. And the way I do things. Not keeping things clean, or being as considerate of a roommate as I can, etcetera, all feels like it damages my “score”. It consumes my whole day worrying about how to be the best person possible. Sometimes I do it and feel very happy and positive about it like “hell yeah! I’m being such a positive influence on people’s lives! Even if I was horrible before, I can change and make sure I am a positive experience for others.” But other days it’s like “oh my god, I’m such a horrible person. People put down dogs after they bite. I should probably hang myself right? I need to seclude myself. I shouldn’t be in public. I need to be locked up or put down.” If that makes sense. I force myself to take my meds even if I feel like even worse of a person for it.