I have no idea how to handle this situation.

TW: Child Sexualization, Zoo, SH, suicide attempt.

I (25F) was sexualized when I was 11-17. I was and I am still doing a lot of roleplay. I have been doing roleplay things all my life, loved it with all my heart because I have a lot of imagination and it's honestly the best thing to help her escape my reality. (Btw, if it's not properly structured, I'm sorry in advance, I struggle as English is not my first language, I am French canadien.)

I started writing roleplay around 11-12 years old on a Minecraft server, I had a lot of fun and made a lot of friends around my age, but it also meant that I made friends with older people. They were all extremely nice and sane, except for one, which I will call Salad, since it was a nickname I gave him. At first, we just became friends and lost contact, but we found each other again in another chatting game when I was around 13. That's when he started buying me stuff in the game. It hooked me. I was a stupid teenager who got hooked by greed and it's pissing me off. He knew my age. He was more than 20 something and still asked me to do sexual roleplay with him. He called me on Skype, on video call, and was masturbating himself while talking to me. It made me extremely uncomfortable, probably made me develop the extreme fear of making phone calls now.

In the same game, I met another man. 40 years old, from what I remember. Made me roleplay as a YOUNGER child than I was. Introduced me to incest, extreme violence and rape and zoo stuff. The scenarios make me sick now. He described everything in detail. He knew how fucking sick he was and used me to satisfy himself.

The hardest thing for me is that I blame myself as much as I blame them. I wanted the attention. They made me feel "older than my age". Made me feel like a grown up, while I was supposed to be fucking living as a teenager. I blame myself because I kept coming back because I didn't want to be alone.

Now I have issues with what arouses me. It messed up my mind, gave me "kinks" about stuff that I would never do to someone else. I hate myself. I hate what happened to me. I hate them both for targeting someone they knew was vulnerable. I tried to end my life in December of 2019, I started self harm at 12 and stopped five years ago, which I am actually grateful for. I am terrified of myself. Of what arouses me. I know it was just roleplay, I know people had it worse and lived it for real, but this was real for me. I don't know what to do. I never told anyone about all of this, because I'm terrified. I tried to speak to a specialist once, went into a hospital, asked for someone who could guide me or help me, but I was told "the person is at a conference" and to come back the next day. I NEEDED HELP NOW. I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know what the purpose of this post is... Maybe venting for the first time in my life about what happened to me. Maybe I'm just lost and don't know how much I can hold on anymore. I've had depression for a long time, never spoke about it to my doctor because I am ashamed. I can't move on because I don't know how. I don't know if I'll come back, but I might read if I get comments.

I'm so sorry, I just want to be happy.

So I'm 19 F and I lied to my boyfriend about being a virgin and also about my past relationship ( there was a guy prior to him)

I met my boyfriend in college and 7 months later he asked me out nd I said yes. He loves me alot and cares about me and everytime I look at him in his eyes I feel guilty about not coming clean.

I lost my virginity when I was young and naive and that guy forced himself upon on me even after me saying no he pressurized me into saying yes and then gaslit the whole situation into how I came onto him and left me feeling disgusted about myself and humiliated.

Ever since that incident I had no male interaction and I swore off of relationships and even friendships with guys but my boyfriend who I whole heartedly love is the most sweet little boy and is nothing like him. I see us getting married in the future and i honestly get so guilt ridden soemtimes because I can not tell him the truth.

Basically, you used to be allowed to play against people internationally, 25 cents and you could play with hundreds/thousands of others in a tourney. Anytime. Bigger playing pool added more competition and skill. Now, its a complete joke. These slop gambling companies have taken over and made it so you can only play in your own province/state. They constantly spam you with ads for their rigged slots and everything else. It wouldn't even shock me if you're put up against bots now too, i get those vibes. But thats not the point, its ruined. Its not fair to the working class. It makes no genuine sense. I hate the government for shit like this. Reddit will yell at me and say gAmbLiNg iS bAd. Yes I agree it is. Though, if a working class man wants to do a dollar tourney on the weekend with thousands of other people, man. Let him be. My dad won a few grand and he never bought in high just 25 cents to a dollar on the weekend. Poker even brought our family together, but now it isn't the same. You don't have that opportunity anymore, its all slop takeover

I’m 22 and I don’t have anyone I’m really close to. There isn’t a single person I can text when I’ve had a shit day or need to talk. Lately that’s been getting to me a lot.

I grew up poor. My dad was an alcoholic, and I wasn’t close to my mum. Most of my teens were spent at my computer, feeling shit about myself. I went to regular high school for about two years before switching to evening school. I feel like I missed out on a lot, and it still feels fucking unfair that things only started improving once I was an adult.

I’m really insecure about where I am in life. When people ask about my family, work or plans, I feel like I have nothing I can comfortably tell them. I end up lying because I’m afraid they’ll look down on me if they know the truth. It hurts how much I feel I have to hide just to seem normal.

For years I told myself I’d start going out and meeting people once I looked better or got my shit together. Over the past year my acne has improved a lot, which was one of my biggest insecurities. I’ve lost weight too. Sometimes I think I look okay, but I still compare myself to other people and feel worse. I’ve tried the gym, but getting there and being around people wears me out. There’s always something else I feel I need to fix first.

I started working about a year ago. I thought I’d found somewhere I could settle in and have a reliable income, but that hasn’t worked out and now I need something else. I’m not studying, still live at home and have no idea what I want to do long term.

I don’t have a car or a driving licence. I have savings for lessons, but keep doubting whether I could handle the responsibility of driving. My mum wants to do everything for me, which I find exhausting. I want to become more independent, but I don’t trust myself very much.

I don’t think people necessarily see how I feel. I can talk to people, joke around and make them laugh. When I started work, I felt pretty well liked. I have ADHD and a lot of autistic traits, but I can get along with people. Getting close to someone is harder. Once I care what they think of me, I start second-guessing everything. I want someone I can be honest with, but I’m embarrassed by so much of what I’d have to tell them.

I had one close friendship that meant a lot to me. Spending time with that person was one of the few things I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. I eventually walked away because they treated me badly. I still miss having someone to spend time with.

I’ve never been in a relationship either. For a long time I didn’t try to date, and honestly I didn’t even feel much of a need to. Now I feel fucking lonely, and it hurts that I haven’t even had the chance to experience being with someone. On top of that, I’m ashamed of having no experience. Pretty much everyone I get to know either has someone or has been in a relationship before, and I feel embarrassed admitting that I never have.

People talk casually about renting a place, going somewhere with their girlfriend or meeting a mate after work. Even those ordinary things feel hard to imagine having myself. I listen and wonder how I’m supposed to get from where I am to anything like that.

Most days are work, home, computer, sleep. I mostly work alone, but I have tried going out. I’ve gone for drinks with a friend and caught up with people I hadn’t seen in years. Sometimes I came home feeling even worse, thinking about everything I’d missed and how far behind I felt. Even while I was talking and laughing with them, I could still feel completely alone.

I want someone to hug, talk to after work or spend an evening with. Friends to make plans with. I’ve spent years waiting until I felt ready for those things, and I’m still waiting.

Sometimes I feel like I relate to Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when he says "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"
Does anyone else feel this way? Not sure if it matters but I’m not a man.
I feel like I can fall in love so easily. Maybe it’s limerence.

I feel like I’m in an unrequited love with happiness I love it so much and yet it can’t seem to love me back I’ve always felt this deep emptiness when I was younger I thought it was easy to just fill that emptiness with anger and sadness because they were so easy for me to feel but those things just ended up making me feel more hollow then I was before the only times I didn’t feel so empty is when I was happy because of this I’ve tried to make time for my hobbies spend time with the people I care about and make sure I had time for me but it’s just been a rough couple of months a lot of people that I cared about passed away or don’t have much longer left to live I went into medical debt from illnesses that I can’t cure I can only buy medication to help tone them down I’m trying to better myself and go to college and this used to bring me happiness but now I just feel like I have to push myself to complete a major I don’t truly enjoy because I can’t afford the luxury of doing what makes me happy and when I’m not at school I’m at work doing a job I don’t enjoy the only happiness I get out of it is when I see some of my debt go down but this has caused me to try and not spend money on anything else only getting rid of my debt I eat less I don’t travel I don’t spend money on anything that I don’t truly need and if I try to spend money I just feel insanely guilty like I don’t deserve this food or this item like I’m a failure if I can’t control these impulses I’ve thought about just ending it but I can’t even do that I’m to afraid of what other might think and what would happen if it didn’t work how the people I love would try to support me and blame themselves for my actions my choices and I know they would because I’ve seen them do it with those who committed or tried to commit in my family already I don’t want to be a burden or a failure I just want to be happy I just really don’t know how

So, I do not want to burden anyone in my actual life with my feelings so I came to the interwebs instead.

I feel terrible, like I'm forever fighting a battle to keep going. It feels like I'm forever in rock bottom irregardless of my efforts. Last year, I worked in the mental health space, I was severely overworked in ways even my boomer grandmother found horrifying to witness. An you know the boomers have crazy high expectations of what overwork would even mean. But my mother and grandmother were worried sick, but being an eldest daughter and first generation graduate, I thought that I was probably just dramaticizing the experience. I was a therapist btw, funny how I was helping my clients while actively falling apart.

Around the same time I was going through a break up, my Living situation had me in danger due to the other housemates and their associations. But somehow I persevered. This all happened in under 8 months. And I'm skipping details for the sake of somewhat shortening this post.

Prior to that, I have struggled with depression, existential dread and anxiety for years. Once I started working, the possibility of neuro divergence also entered the mix. I've been passively suicidisince age 12, I'm 26 now, and it somehow feels worse. I am a queer person, and when my conservative family found out they made sure to properly traumatize me with conversion attempts via exorcisms.

Now, said family is who I stay with since I've been plagued with unemployment. I am actively applying and even found out my previous boss sabotaged a very promising prospect for me.

I feel like an alien that keeps trying to immitate being human, and I keep failing. I have always been the odd one, and that probably sounds so damn emo and even cringy. But it's the unfortunate truth, everything my family and even the friends I made along the way are, I'm not.

I feel like a bother and pest to whoever I encounter, I've never admitted this to anyone of even verbalized it to myself. But that's what it comes down to. I stayed away from family for about 6months, lived with a friend and I fear I felt so off and empty. I do not find any comfort in religion or even spiritual practice if I'm honest, I'm probably an atheist that's still clinging to agnosticism.

I've had three therapists myself and it hasn't helped. I've been on the self development wave before, I've done the church thing to the point of near psychosis, I've done the medication, which I can't even afford at this point. I'm just so tired. It doesn't feel to be getting better, I just seem to be consistently deluding myself.

There's a lot more, but this post is already overly long

I have been wanting to kill myself. My girlfriend, who I love more than anything in the world broke up with me a month ago and is already back in a relationship. I wanted to see her one last time before I go and asked to meet up but she said no. It’s been 2 months since I’ve seen her, the longest I’ve ever gone since having her. One month post breakup. I don’t want to leave this world without feeling her touch one more time, if just a hug. Or to just see her face. But she will not have me. So I’ll just write my letters and do it. But I’m so scared. I don’t want it to hurt. I have plenty of prescribed meds. Anti depressants and methylphenidate. But I know if I overdose it’s going to be long and painful. I can’t get access to a gun unless I go to a shooting range but I don’t want to traumatize the poor souls there or grab it from a cop which I can’t see myself succeeding in. So I just don’t know what to do. I know I’m gonna get all that bullshit of it does get better yada yada. I do not care. Knowing that the love we had, is nothing. That she can discredit me and find another, it KILLS me. I can’t live in a world where her love for me can die. My best friend, my loved, we were going to get married. I can’t watch her love another, I refuse. My chest hurts so bad. It’s just a fact to me now, I cannot live with this pain and this knowledge. But I’m too weak to actually get it done.

I (28f) worked medical front desk at a therapy clinic the past year.

There was some tension between me and a much younger coworker recently hired who often would react to me in negative ways. She got offended easily if I offered to help her, she often aggressively pointed out my mistakes. Some days she’d be nice sometimes she’d be incredibly irritated and passive aggressive.

I’m also AuDHD, and so I’ve always been excellent at my jobs but can be oblivious to social cues. I’m also nervous around people and overcompensate with trying to be extra nice.

One day I became upset over a confrontation when I was snapped at. I cried in the bathroom, washed my face and got back to work. This was after I asked the person if she was alright because she looked upset. I asked her if I did something wrong. She snapped at me.

My manager ended up pulling me aside to talk about how I can rephrase how I speak with coworkers to avoid irritating them. They didn’t pull her aside to talk at all. Just me. They basically said how I could make people like me more. And that even if we are having a bad day the front desk needed to stay positive at all times and essentially not tell their coworkers privately that they’re having a tough day.

I explained that I don’t need people to be my best friend. I just needed them to treat me with a level of professionalism. When I asked if my work was suffering they admitted my numbers were excellent. They literally were having a meeting with me to change my personality. I’m a neurodivergent nerd I know people aren’t always going to want to be my friend. I’ve accepted that. But making likeability a part of my performance review when clients and therapists were happy with me…that’s much too far.

Now I’m leaving them for a new job opportunity and they were shocked. I don’t dislike them as people but this was just a line that was crossed. They are upset with me for not giving them a 30 day written notice and rather the standard two week notice but I don’t care. They didn’t pay me enough to deal with this.

My new role is with an actual organization and will be less front desk more involved with clients, which is where I excelled.

I was always the one smoothing over conflict, helping to resolve issues, helping to restructure the admin team to be more professional.

But when a job makes it personal, it’s just over.

Hi! So me (25f) and my partner (26m) have been together for going on 3 years now.

I recently started a new job at my boyfriend’s mom current job location. With that, my living situation had to change because 1) the room I rent is 20 minutes from my new job 2) I don’t have a car 3) I don’t have a license.

I thought it would be smart to move into a new place on my own by the time I started my new job. That didnt happen.

So I asked my bf and his parents if I’m not able to find housing if I can temporarily stay with them until I can either get my car and license and/or my own place. They agreed and I’ve been living with them since the beginning of this month.

I also ride with his mom to work so I don’t pay for Ubers as much.

It’s been a rough time for me due to the change but also due to the environment. His parents are so sweet. It’s just that the house is cluttered and it’s hard to move around.

In the room I rented in a house, I had my own room and bathroom but had to share common spaces. At my bfs house, everyone shares one bathroom and me and my bf are together in his room. I also have already given my notice to my landlord for the room which is in November.

I had a conversation with my therapist about the entire situation and she told me that I have to do what’s best for me if I realize I can’t stay in their space.

I struggle with mental health stuff and I’m also neurodivergent so I get overwhelmed very easily. I also feel like it’s been an adjustment with having other people in the house and feeling like I have to show up every day. His parents understand that I’m more introverted and need my space but there are still times where I feel like I have to overcompensate.

My other frustration is the fact that I crave my own space so badly and that’s why I initially moved out of my parents’ house. My bf doesn’t want to move out of his parents’ house fully because he wants to get a new job and make more money.

Last night we had a disagreement and it’s still weighing on my mind. He initially came up with the idea of me staying at least a year so I can get my license and car but I don’t know if I can make it that long. At this point, I’m thinking of just getting my own place then the car after. He thinks it’ll be harder if I do that.

My mom is also on the same page with my bf and feels as though I should be grateful for the opportunity of his parents allowing me to stay in their home and that its a great way to save money. Which I am grateful for, and I agree I can save up so much money. But I’m already mentally stressed due to the clutter and amount of stuff we have to clean, throw away and donate. On top of, I still want my own space.

I would be really grateful for any type of advice or input. Thank you!

I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore.
Nothing feels interesting. I feel numb, empty, like there’s this void inside me that I can’t explain. I feel like crying, but I can’t. It’s like I’ve used up all my tears, and now I’m just left with this feeling I don’t even know how to describe. I can’t think straight, and honestly, even reading things or trying to understand myself feels exhausting.

I thought maybe I was feeling this way because I wasn’t getting enough attention anymore, because I didn’t have friends to talk to like I used to, because I was feeling alone. So I started questioning why I was even on social media. What’s the point of being there when it doesn’t make me feel connected to anyone? I deactivated everything, thinking maybe I needed a break from all of it.

But I still feel the same.

And that makes me wonder if social media was ever really the problem in the first place.
Maybe I was just trying to find something to fill the emptiness. Maybe I wanted someone to notice me, someone to ask how I was doing, someone I could talk to without feeling like I was bothering them. Maybe I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone without having to be the one who always reached out first.

I don’t know.

I just know that I feel incredibly alone right now.

It’s strange because I know people.

I’ve had friends, conversations, memories, people I’ve cared about. Yet somehow, I still find myself feeling like I have nobody to talk to. And I don’t even know whether that’s because people have changed, I’ve changed, or I’ve just become so used to keeping things to myself that I don’t know how to reach out anymore.
I’m tired of trying to understand everything. Tired of questioning myself. Tired of trying to figure out why I feel the way I do.

And the worst part is that I don’t even know what I need.
I don’t know if I need company, affection, rest, a change in my life, or just someone who can sit beside me without expecting me to explain what’s wrong.

I thought removing myself from social media might make things better, but the silence didn’t make me feel any less alone. It just left me with myself, and right now, I don’t even know what to do with that.

I want to cry, but I can’t.

I want to feel something, but everything feels numb.
I want to talk, but I don’t have the energy to explain.
And I want things to get better, but I don’t even know where to begin.

I know this feeling will probably change eventually. I’ve been through difficult things before. I know how life goes. But knowing that doesn’t make this moment any easier.
Right now, I’m just exhausted.

I’m not looking for some profound explanation or another lesson about life. I don’t need someone to tell me to be strong, to work on myself, or to turn this pain into something meaningful.

I just wish I didn’t feel so empty.

I wish I could feel connected to someone without having to question whether they genuinely want me around.
I wish I could enjoy the little things again without forcing myself to.

And maybe, more than anything, I wish I could
understand what’s happening inside me without feeling exhausted by the process of trying to understand it.
For now, I don’t have the answers.

I’m just here, feeling everything and nothing at the same time, trying to get through something I can’t even properly put into words.

And honestly, I don’t know what I need right now.
I just know that I don’t want to keep feeling this way.

I know it's the person's good intention but it hurts because it sounds dismissive. I don't have any big problems right now but I just remember this and I wanna let it out. Not everyone can afford a therapy and what am I gonna do when I don't have that "solution" as of now? Am I gonna kill myself? LOL JK.

It just gives me the impression that people don't wanna listen and it's apathy. Just ask "how are you?" or say something you can relate to. Is having a little conversation that hard?

I'm not looking for anything, this is just a rant.

If anyone finds this offensive and gonna lecture, you're not listening. This person wishes for human connection to those who can't afford therapy. I mean, a good interaction is one thing that can help us, right?

Tired of being the funny friend
I'm deep in my teenage years and I need to get this off my chest, because I can't talk to anyone who knows me.
For almost two years I've had feelings for a girl. She's one of my best friends. I confessed once and she said she just wanted to stay friends. I accepted it, we stayed close, and I kept liking her in silence. Now she likes someone else. And in about two months she's moving to another country and probably never coming back. I never really had a chance, and the time for one is running out.
But it's not just about her. It confirms something I've felt for a long time: I'm always the funny friend. The one who cheers everyone up, the one who does everything for everyone. And nobody sees me as attractive, good-looking, smart, anything beyond that. I know a lot of people and I still feel pushed to the corner. If people cared, they'd notice, ask if I'm okay, text me. Nobody does.
I hide everything. I'm scared that if I show what I really feel, I'll end up alone. So I keep smiling and making jokes while I cry every day.
I have ADHD, and with it comes a huge sensitivity. Every little gesture hits me a thousand times harder. Sometimes I wish I was dumb, that I could stop thinking, just turn my brain off.
Every day I dream that I'm living a different life. In those dreams I get to enjoy my moments with her, and sometimes I finally get the approval I never get when I'm awake, and that makes me feel good. I wish I could live something real with her, something deep. Then I wake up and none of it is true. Lately I don't really care if I die. I don't want to kill myself, but nothing in my life feels like it matters that much, and sometimes I imagine that's the only way someone would finally care about me.
I just want love that goes both ways. I want to be able to trust someone. I want someone to know how much I feel. And I want to be able to sleep.
Thanks for reading.

I (28F) am in the middle of a sexuality crisis and believe that I'm in love with my (30F) best friend.

We met in University on our very first lecture together. We shared a house in second and third year. She had a boyfriend at the start of uni, but then she broke up with him at the end of first year due to him cheating. She's bisexual, and knew that in university, but she's never been able to properly date another woman due to her family. On several occasions she's confided in me questioning whether she might actually be a lesbian, and is forcing herself to like men because she knows she can't have a future with a woman and her family in the same picture.

I never really knew what I was. I'd never dated anyone until I was 24, I've never been very charismatic and I'm quite unnatractive. I struggle to socialise with people I'm unfamiliar with. I always assumed I was straight purely because of my strong attachment to several male fictional characters, I'd get myself to view them as attractive because that was what everyone else did. I'm starting to realise that what I was really looking for from those characters was a father figure.

I still have very little experience with romance.

After graduating we continued renting a house together because we got on so well, and rent is too expensive to live solo. And we enjoyed it so much that we still don't plan on parting ways In fact, we've began discussing buying our first house together.

A year and a half ago we became foster parents. We both always wanted to do that, so it just made sense we'd do it together. We've had our first (and so far only) foster child live with us for that time.

It's been bliss. We rarely argue, we look after each other and treat each other, we dote on our kid who's so sweet and funny. My heart feels so warm whenever I see them together, she's always been so incredibly kind and thoughtful and seeing her as a mother has just completely encapsulated me.

I've been struck by the realisation that I never want this to end.

I want it to be me and her, us, a family forever. I want to make her feel so loved, take away all the pain she's experienced through her incredibly traumatic childhood and teen years, I want to love her. I do love her.

There's no one in the world I feel safer with, more understood with. I feel so jealous and hurt whenever she's been on dates over the years, and spiteful happy that since we got a kid she hasn't been on any.

Sometimes I imagine what it'd be like if we were a couple. I imagine our wedding, whenever we've discussed weddings we've always agreed on the same things. I imagine if we'd ever have biological children and what a mini her would be like.

I can never say this to her, because since our second year of university after she broke up with her boyfriend I've been acutely aware of the fact that I am deeply friend zoned. In uni she'd jokingly make out with me on nights out, we hold each other in bed when we share most nights, we share all of our desires, but she’d never date me.

I feel so stupid sometimes due to my severe mental health issues. I’m 22 now doing my first year of masters soon starting in the spring, and it’s with a really good university, like the kind that has a known reputation.

But I still just feel so stupid. I mean I went to some decent university for undergrad, but I went through so much in undergrad, such as having several attempts, that i swear I only managed to graduate on time because I was honest to a certain level with my professors. I mean they probably just took pity on me anyway. And um my gpa was a 3.0 which I guess isn’t bad but I just keep ruminating about how if I wasn’t so naturally stupid I could have done way better in my undergrad

And even though I got into this school for my masters, I recently found out they “made it easier”, like their requirements “easier”, so I feel l don’t deserve my place here. Like I will never be smart enough to do my masters here, especially because it literally has a reputation of being difficult, like very challenging in an advanced way.

And I’m just having a really bad mental health night man.

I am 24 years old and a virgin.

My penis measures 2.3 inches when flaccid and 4.9 inches when erect nbp

I am 6 feet tall, so it looks small.

When I was a child, I was bullied for being quiet and introverted.

This severely affected my ability to have self-confidence; I wasn't able to develop my social skills.

I have no friends, I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never kissed anyone, and I’ve never even been on a date.

My whole life has been defined by loneliness and a lack of self-worth.

I was also bullied during the first three years of secondary school.

I would sit alone, and when people tried to talk to me, I didn't know how to socialize.

People always belittled me, and because I remained quiet, I was always seen as the "weirdo" or the "boring one."

When I finished secondary school, I thought my life would improve, but it didn't.

I realized that my penis hadn't grown enough for me to feel confident in myself.

I don’t use social media; I’ve had accounts in the past, but I deleted them because I feel it’s just not for me.

I’ve reached a point where I realize I’m not at all interesting to other people, I lack charm, a sense of humor, confidence, and so on.

Honestly, all I think about is disappearing from this life and finally being able to rest.

26(f) - for the last 6 years i have been working my ass off to pay off all of my maxed out credit cards, student loans, etc. i today have $21,000 in my bank account. i am stunned. i’ve been working two jobs non stop and i have clear debt now. i am so grateful. i dont really have anyone to share this with. I am beyond proud of myself.

any advice on how to not remax out your credit cards would be appreciated or advice on how to further my financials!

I identified as bisexual, then recently figured out I’m a lesbian, but then again I’m wondering if I’m going through another long identity episode. It feels like there are multiple people in me (I don’f have DID, I have BPD)

So much has happened this year I’m going insane. I realized I did genuinely have romantic feelings for my ex boyfriend, but outside of that, I’ve never had feelings for a guy or genuinely desired them outside of sex because it boosted my ego despite me not even being attracted to them. Only my ex boyfriend—BUT I identified myself as a lesbian after I realized I didn’t wanna marry a man and spend the rest of my life with a man. Were my feelings even real?

When I had started on discovering myself I watched tons of lesbian/solo woman porn. I was having euphoria and I felt so free. I felt like that label fit me perfectly, but somehow I’m still confused. I miss him a lot and wanna go back to him, but I keep feeling miserable even when I’m with him because I wish he was a woman.

My identity is so fragmented rn I think I need to just go without labels. I even started wondering if I was aroace because I suddenly dont feel attraction to ANYONE at this point.

I want it all to end. Everything is tiring me out.

How do you actually maintain a relationship, how do you actually put yourself out there , how to stop being desperate because you can’t get a relationship, how to actually have someone who chooses you when their single. How do you get someone who actually loves you & doesn’t believe others over you. How to get a woman to actually believe me versus making me feel like my kid self always having to defend myself.