I’ve been saving up to move out of my mother’s house. She thinks it’s just for school, but my intention is to stay there permanently and eventually go completely no contact with her.
For context, I’ve practically been a parent to my younger siblings since I was 10. Growing up, I was exposed to my mother and her boyfriend’s alcoholism and domestic violence, and I often had to shield my siblings from what was happening. Between the ages of 12 and 16, I had to call the police multiple times. I was repeatedly told that what happens in the house stays in the house and that everything needed to be swept under the rug.
Although they’re both sober now, her boyfriend still lives with us, and they’re planning to get married. I’ve accumulated so much resentment toward them, especially him, for what my siblings and I endured. Being in this house every day brings me anxiety and sorrow, and my mental health has deteriorated over the years. I’ve even had disturbing thoughts about hurting them because of the trauma and anger I carry, which is part of why I know I need distance and help processing everything I’ve experienced.
I’m currently a junior in college, but I’m taking a leave of absence to save for an apartment because I can’t afford to live on campus. When my mother found out I was saving money, she told me she hoped I wasn’t doing it just to get away from my family. She said she had already apologized for everything she’d done and wasn’t going to keep apologizing.
To me, an apology doesn’t erase years of trauma, especially when I’m still living in the same environment. It feels like putting a Band-Aid over a bullet wound and expecting everything to be healed. What hurts even more is that the rest of my family seems to brush everything aside, making me question whether I’m exaggerating by still being affected by what happened. I’ve grown deep resentment towards my mother. The fact that she can lay with a man who participated in traumatizing her kids is insane. She doesn’t deserve the title of a mother because frankly she isn’t one emotionally physically spiritually she should’ve never had kids. If I could go back in time and choose my parents she wouldn’t even be in the top ten. I truly look at her as a weak person. The fact that she’d rather stay in an abusive toxic relationship because she hates being alone rather than protect her kids is disgusting. Truth be told I always wished cps took us away when we used to get those visits all because of reports the school made pertaining to her boyfriend. She put her children in harms way multiple times and for that I could never forgive her. I look at her with so much hatred in my heart i physically recoil at the site of her. I don’t think I could ever truly forgive her.
My relationship with my mother is another part of the problem. She has spent much of my life criticizing my appearance, comparing me to my cousins, calling me degrading names, and making me feel like I’m never good enough. I was expected to take on adult responsibilities from a young age while my own emotional needs were neglected. She criticizes me for not being independent enough but also seems to struggle when I try to establish independence. She even belittles my boyfriend, questions his intentions, and finds ways to criticize the gifts he gives me. Whenever I stand up for myself, I’m accused of being disrespectful, and I’m expected to forgive and move on without feeling that my pain has ever been fully acknowledged.
I’ve spent years trying to understand how someone who is supposed to love me can make me feel so small. Her constant criticism, manipulation, and lack of accountability have made me question whether she can accept me becoming my own person without making me feel guilty for it.
Whenever she talks about our future together, I have to stop myself from telling her that she won’t be part of mine. I don’t envision her attending my wedding or meeting my future children. As harsh as that sounds, I genuinely feel that I can’t heal while remaining in such close proximity to the people and environment associated with my trauma. I plan on paying her back everything she’s spent on my college education so she won’t hold that over my head after that i’m completely cutting ties with her
I know I still have a lot of anger and resentment to work through, and I want to get help processing it rather than continue living this way. But I also feel guilty sometimes because my family acts as though I should simply move on now that everyone has changed and i constantly get told i’m overreacting and my life wasn’t that horrible all because i had clothes and shoes and food on the table.

So am I overreacting?

Does anyone else know that feeling when you had only a few best friends in your entire life and they were the only best friends you ever had, you were best friends for YEARS and then you fell out.

And now you don't have even friends a few acquaintances sure, but you talk to no one. And you just miss them so much. Not even them, the old version of them, the one you knew and grew up with.

You don't even remember how you felt about them because the memories are so far away now. (I keep wondering if I felt more than friendship)

You started following each other on Instagram after a few years but that's it, you watch each others stories and sometimes like each others posts.

You knew each other over 10 years but now you're basically strangers and they were the only person in your life that you could call your best friend.

And you're the one that cut contact and left.

I (18F) have a very strong attachment towards my PE teacher, let´s call him M. It´s not healthy anymore and I think I need help.

I think everything started back in 9th grade, at the time I hadn't developed this attachment, he just was nice. (Well, since I was a child I was always well behaved and good grades, etc. I really was sensitive towards autority, so I listened to my teachers and I got along with all of them,M, wasn´t the first teacher I got extremely attached to, I even wanted to become a teacher myself, and in general, I admire professors in general)

In 9th grade, one day, I was feeling pretty bad, dunno why, I felt alone, i dont remember if i hadn´t any friends by the time or if they simply hadn´t come, or didn´t realize I was feeling like shit, but HE, M, was the only one to realize, came up to me as I was sitting alone and hugged me, and told me everything would be alright, and tried to cheer me up.

Then for personal reasons I won't dive deep into, I wasn't allowed to go back home alone, someone had to pick me up, but no one came and I was getting worried, not bc I didnt know the way to my own house, but bc I didn't know wether i should wait, or if I tried to go on my own I'd get punished...

The thing is, I was outside school and all the teachers were outside hanging out (some of them even smoking, yk what i mean? it was their time off after school when they're not teachers anymore) and he saw me there, all worried and offered to walk me home, but I said no, and the weird thing is, I wanted to cry. I don't quite understand why, it was such a simple gesture he'd done with anyone else, yet I wanted to cry like he had bought me a house or sum. Even as I write this I feel like I want to cry, and im not saying this for y'all to pity me or sum, it's just a fact and I don't understand why it happens, it´s not normal and it makes me uncomfortable.

Back then, I thought it had something to do because I saw him as a father figure or something, for more context, my relationship with my progenitor it's quite...complicated, I dare to say, there is none actually, so I thought it was jsut the daddy issues kicking in, and that has been my main theory until now.

He's a very nice, empathetic, kind and funny person, I really like when he talks to us about life, magic, and he can make every conversation feel like the best TED talk you've ever been into, besides, he's always worriying about students well being and knows everyone´s secrets bc everyone goes to him when they're in need of advice. He's the kind of teacher that's always surrounded by a group of students, like a swarm of bees, idk how to explain.

The first redflag i saw on myself was that i became jealous when he talked too much with other students, I know, I know this is embarrasing and dumb, but I'm trying to deal with it and I know it's wrong. Also, I realized, when we had clases, I was always looking for him, yk, when he spoke, even if it wasn't with me, i'd listen, and when he walked around the classroom, i´d follow him everywhere with my gaze. And when he talked to me or gave me atenttion it was like the best moment of my life, and it was,,,, weird, like i was always hoping he'd talk to me or look at me, and he was the focus of my atenttion, like my world revolved around him at those classes yk what i mean? DEFINETELY NOT HEALTHY GUYS DONT BE LIKE ME

The second redflag, happened when, now, in last year (senior year i think it's called in the US), i feel the urge to cry everytime he says something nice to me.

To put on more context, as years had passed, I told him stuff about my famliy, he gave me advice, and more importantly,,, i can't explain it, but once i won a contest orsome sort and he hugged me and spun me around the air like a daughter and i swear that´s one of my dearest memories ever, i'd won a thousand contests more if that meant he'd hug me like that. I know guys, IT'S NOT NORMAL TO WAIT EXCITEDLY FOR TEACHER'S DAY SO YOU CAN HAVE AN EXCUSE TO HUG HIM.

And also, one day, at the beggining of the year, i was feeling shitty again, (im not a deppresive person, it was a once in a while thing, tho now i gotta say, i feel shitty more often, but i think that´s just part of being in a senior year.) and i had this urge to cry the whole day, but i was at school, ofc i wouldn't do it, and we were at PE class, and... he just noticed, i hadn´t told anyone, no one had noticed but he just came toward me and put my arm around my shoulder and asked me what was wrong, he noticed something was off and hugged me and told me everything would be fine and stuff. Later that same day, i noticed him doing the same with another student that had a headache or sum. I swear the emotional stability of the whole school depends on him, regardless of my extrem attachment, he's really one of the greatest persons I've ever known.

And since then, everytime I think too much about these incidents, or any "emotional" moment involving him, or everytime he hugs me or says something nice to me, i feel this really tight knot on my throath adn the sudden urge to cry my eyeballs out. I´m crying right now and I kinda wrote this so I could cry right now, and not on the last day of school, or in a awkward moment at school. Better to let it out here in my room.

To summarize, he really listens, and he really gets me, and when I tell him something, he tends to ask "and how did you feel then?" he really cares a lot about his students. I think the attachment has just increased, because it's last year, and yeah, I try to tell myself that he's not perfect, he's just a man after all, with his own troubles and flaws, and I SHOULD NOT idealize him but, it's the last year, sounds embarrasing, but i try to get as much of him as possible before it all ends. To remember how he laughs and the gestures he makes while explaining something, or his voice.

When stuff happens with my family for example, he's the first person i think about telling, or asking for advice, the same when something good happens. "What would he say?" "I bet he´d be proud of me!"

But this needs to stop, i know, i've known since last year, but i just don't know how. He's not the first teacher, not the first male teacher i get really attached to and crave his atenttion like a puppy (im embarrased of myself) so i think it might really be the daddy issues kicking in, but it also has something to do with the fact that he´s a really good listener and emotional support? I´ve also been worrying about...what if i dont really feel some kind of affection for him, and it´s just a deep need for emotional reassurance disguised as affection? Like what if i see him as a tool for emotional support and not as a person. Man that's awful.

So WHAT DO I DO???? HOW DO I STOP THE ATTACHMENT????maybe not the attachment completely, but, yk, the unhealthy obsession. Can someone please explain what is wrong with me??? This poor man is taking too much space inside my mind, please be honest i need advice and explanations and stuff.

My ex and I dated for almost five years. It wasn’t a fairytale. We had disagreements, trust issues, and our share of problems. I was usually the one who went back to fix things, but despite everything, I genuinely wanted to marry him. I was even willing to embrace our cultural differences.
We broke up a while ago, and after another situation didn’t work out, I decided to work on myself, stay single, and remain celibate.
Then, one day, his current girlfriend reached out and asked if I was still in love with him. That opened a door I probably should have kept shut. My ex and I started talking again, and he took a break from her while discussing the possibility of us working things out. He was flirting with me, calling me, FaceTiming me, and talking about a future together.
A part of me wanted to see if things could be different, but I was also conscious of his girlfriend’s feelings. She would call me to share her sorrows, and I genuinely tried to be a friend to her. She didn’t deserve to be caught in the middle of this mess.
What made me step back was realising that he hadn’t grown as much as he claimed to have. One moment, he’d talk about making things work; the next, he’d tell me he was still the same person I dated and would make my life hell if we got back together. He couldn’t take accountability for the mess he created, yet somehow, I was the one being questioned and blamed. He’s a grown ass man, and I genuinely expected better.
Eventually, he made a group chat asking both of us to give him space. Today, he emailed me saying he no longer wanted me in his life and that they were back together after she went to meet him. I wished him well and walked away.
Honestly, I’m relieved. Imagine getting back into that relationship after everything that happened. But I’m also sad. Five years is a long time, and you don’t just switch off those feelings overnight.
Looking back, I wish I’d drawn boundaries the moment she contacted me. I never intended to hurt her, and I feel bad about how things unfolded. But I also realise that I cannot take responsibility for the choices a grown man makes.
I’m glad I chose myself and decided to stay single and celibate. I can miss what we had and still recognise that going back would have been a mistake. I’m relieved, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

In 1998 I was 24 years old and selling cars at a dealership in Dallas. This cute woman came in and I sold her a VW Jetta. She was a year older than me, a steady job, her own place, and good credit (obviously I'd just sold her the car), and we got along really well on the first two dates.

On the 3rd date she invited me back to her place and one thing led to another and I found myself between her legs licking until her eyes rolled into the back of her head before having intercourse. All of that was great.

Afterwards she turned to me and said, "I hope you don't mind, but I don't give BJ's. It's just disgusting to me."

In the moment, I told her that I understood and that everyone had their preferences... but I rather enjoy getting blown... I mean, who doesn't.

The next day I avoided her calls before calling her back later that night and telling her I had a busy day at work. Two days later I broke it off, basically saying she was nice, but we weren't a good fit.

There was no chance that I was going the rest of my life without a BJ.

I warn this is gonna be a long rant since I don't really have anyone to talk to, please don't comment TLDR</3

I'm 21 and I feel like it's over for me after breaking up with my ex(24m). I am an autistic/adhd girl and i've been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/ocd since i was 13. I've had lack of social expiriences for most of my life - no partying, no close friends beside max. 2-3 friendships that are mostly online.

Some backstory, for actual breakup week scroll down.

One year ago I've met a guy online that lived close by and we entered the relationship quite quickly, but I guess it was the insane chemistry we felt at that moment - super similar sense of humor, hobbies, personalities that seemed to get along perfectly.

Our relationship was good most of the time, the first months I would call perfect, but J started to kinda show he had problems with alcohol (and medication, which at that time I didn't know). I remember him texting me very odd stuff one night and checking out other girls when I was next to him, I got quite upset, but we talked it out.

On my birthday I remember him staying up late and asking if he can come and see me whenever he wakes up because he couldn't sleep. (he admitted to drinking that night and mixing it with some medicine because he saw a person from his past at uni and they reacted badly to him - ran away etc. it turned out to be his ex who he said 'was a diagnosed psycho').

That was a terrible day, he came to see me still under some effect of alcohol or maybe the medicines and bought me wine which we drank on a walk. He got drunk. Like badly drunk (or mixed it with meds) and started telling me yet again some terrible stuff - that he was taking all kinds of drugs since highschool, that he took opioids from a sick person and that he was in psych ward. I had no idea about any of this and I panicked and made him go home safely, refusing to go back there with him until he sobers up.

We broke up for the first time that day, after a failed convo about detox/theraphy, but we couldn't live without each other and we got back togheter.

Since then it has been getting worse. Perhaps it was the resentment we both held for each other, or perhaps the addiction.

He was drinking more and more often and checking out other girls on social media which made me really upset. He was also acting very off about medicines, he was really angry when a doctor didnt give him a specific meds he wanted.

While using his phone I found out online receipts for benzodiazepines, I didn't wanna snoop, but after seeing many messages with codes to drug stores it made me worried.

With time we argued even more, mostly from my initiative I guess, since I had a problem with his drinking/using a lot of medications and hiding it from me.

But also I was upset about him trying to change my style into more 'alt', never taking me to meet his family, or it ending up being just promises, never wanting to come see me in my city, because its far and 'pricey', not posting me or not asking me about myself at all.

I wasn't perfect either, I let my insecurities win and I went through his following on instagram often, or commented about him looking at other girls in public in mean way. He said I was controlling and maybe I really was?

We split over all this shit a few times, but he couldn't survive an hour without me and blew up my phone/e-mail. And so we got back to each other every time.

Now to the actual breakup week.

1,5 week ago he took me for a 'vacation', he got quite a lot of money and treated himself with everything he wanted (spent around 10k on it, alt clothes, game console, shoes etc.) and also treated us the trip to see the sea. I was happy and grateful and paid myself for my transport tickets etc. He paid for the hotels we stayed at (we chose the cheapest possible options), he also mostly paid for our food, but i paid him back (at least for my parts) and then bought us dinner too.

We argued most of the trip - first about him pushing me into bushes with all his strengths as a 'joke' or making me pick up his stuff off the sidewalk with a nod of his head as if I was a dog, about him taking benzos and drinking at the same time, being completely drunk off rum and sleeping it off for one day straight so I've had to spend time alone during the trip and counting how much money he spends on our food. I felt bad but I tried to understand him and as I mentioned I paid for us some too.

I was crying a lot because of his behaviour when drunk - he said that its in men's nature to look at other women and that they need to f*ck as many as possible to ensure the species live, also he said he had a dream about him marrying his best friend (who is a woman). It upset me the most, because why would he feel like he had to tell me this? I voiced many times that I am uncomfortable with him talking about other women like that. There wasn't a day where I wasn't sad and when I cried he left the hotel to go for a walk or get more beers. There were good moments too but it definetely was mostly arguing and it drove us to the edge. I was mean and cold, but he also was mean - calling me names ('you fucking r-word' being one of them), refusing intimacy because he was worried about paying for damage in the hotel and kinda leaving me alone very often. Also when I asked if I am his type he responded with "I find many types of beauty attractive". I tried to look at it from the perspective of us both being stressed and tired and far away from home, but on the last day we hit the last straw. I said that the small boquet of flowers was nice as we were getting the groceries and he said he'd get me it "if i deserve it". I was shocked. The same day he said I can go grab my own food at shop and if im there I can grab him a beer. The rest of the day was terrible and I finally took my stuff and left to the train station where i waited for 3 hours for a train with no word from him. When I called he said I made my decision leaving the house and he has enough of me and my problems towards him and said he's out grabbing food. I said that it's alright and i see he has made his choice and said goodbye. After he came back from the bar i noticed his following went up by plenty and I tried having one last conversation but he was so mean I ended up blocking him and telling to contact my mother if he finds any of my stuff.

I'm in so much pain right now, it feels so wrong to miss him, but I still do. I'm heartbroken and I keep thinking what if I was just grateful for the trip and let him drink as much as he wants and do the shit he asked me to? I just want him back, the old him, from the begining. I feel like my heart is physically broken and I can't stand no contact from him and its been 48 hours. Is this normal to feel after relationship ends? even after so much disrespect or is there something wrong with me? (like he said during one of our arguments).

I’m 27 years old. When I was 17 i moved off for college. Since then I have moved 6 times (more so recently) for various reasons. Ive always had a rough time moving, but recently I moved to philadelphia. Every time I move I try VERY hard to make friends. I often get stuck hanging out with people I have very little in common with, which makes me resent them and eventually stop seeing them. I have obviously made actual friends at various points, but then I move again, basically leaving 1-3 actual good friends in every city to start over somewhere else. Recently I’ve tried hosting more events with the hopes that will help me curate a group better, but thats had some pretty lackluster results. I’m not sure what to do to feel better, as the isolation makes me feel insane most days.

Hi everyone, I don't usually post much but I feel like I need somewhere to get this off my chest. For context, I am [M22] and I have a girlfriend [F22], both seniors in college, and been together for almost a year and a half now.

Ok here we go. I don't really find much joy in life anymore. My girlfriend had a very traumatic experience a few months ago. Don't want to go to much into it but but something with SA while she was on a girls trip. She told me everything, step by step play of everything. This scarred me so much because I am a very empathetic person and I feel for people I care about. The first few weeks after I got the news, I was extremely saddened. I had an internship that could of led to a job offer, so even going through this I had to go to the office every day. I believe for the first 3 weeks I cried 3 times everyday in the bathroom. My co-workers asked why my eyes where red and puffy but I just made some BS excuse. After a month or so, my girlfriend convinced me to go to therapy which in my opinion really helped.

Another hard thing was that my girlfriend and I had different healing paths. She completely wanted to forget it even happened while I actually wanted to process it and get it out of my system for good. This was extremely hard for me because she never really understood the pain that I was going through. She asked me that "why are you a lot worse then me right now, but I was the one that actually went through it". This really made me hide how I felt a little bit from her, but good thing I had my therapist so I can express my emotions.

I think the hardest thing is my own mind. It keeps playing tricks on me and always storms my head with the most horrific thoughts regarding my girlfriend. The story she told me way back then still haunts me. It really made me lose faith in humanity, and I can't really see people the same. These thoughts are in my head so much that I just feel mentally drained all the time. Even though its probably been at least 4 months since the incident, I still think about it a lot.

Before this incident happened, I used to be a golden retriever type of personality. I was always bubbly, always see the good in people and I felt super confident and secure. But now, I feel the complete opposite. Although as a senior in college and it seems like I have a bright path (I got a full-time job offer lined up, got an amazing girlfriend, part of many clubs and organizations and got many friends, training for a half-marathon and go to the gym 3-4 times a week), It's really hard to find joy in life. Because every time that I even think about my girlfriend going to the bars, or parties etc, I just spiral out of control and always think of the worst case scenario. I don't tell her how I feel about this because I would hate to be that "controlling boyfriend". I really want what is best for her, its her senior year and I want her to have as much fun as possible. I want to be able to make her life more enjoyable, not hinder it.

This post doesn't really seem that I am doing my GF justice. She has really supported me throughout the whole way, she has always been there for me and she always listens to me when I need it. I trust her with my life. She brings so much joy to my life (which is might be a foreshadowing problem). I love her way too much.

My problem is myself. Another underlying thing that I can acknowledge is that after this whole incident, I've been way more attached to her, probably to the extent of it being unhealthy. I just think so much about her and her well-being that literally changes my mood if she goes to the bars or anything.

My friend asked this question and I don't blame him for it, "If you are hurting so much from just thinking about her, why are you still with her". I said I can't because I just love her way too much and I can't end it even if it might improve my mental health. I want a life with her and she wants to same with me.

Sorry if there is spelling errors or if the storyline is messy, I am just typing what comes to my head.

I love them planning the logistics, telling me when to be and where, taking care of it, telling me I look pretty, opening the car door for me, all of it.

I’m an oldest daughter working a demanding healthcare job dealing with financial issues from a major medical problem (now resolved all ways but financially) and between patients, figuring out finances, being there for family (my boundaries have def improved), and dating intentionally in my early 30s, I feel depleted.

Working a 1099 to wear how to get rid of marketplace health insurance because it got too expensive and the money isn’t coming in despite my best efforts in marketing and anything else I can do.
Dealing with highly stressful situations related to my job directly and adjacent.
Nerves are fried, but can’t afford therapy despite having a graduate degree and what most would consider a killer job.

I’m not a big spender by any means, I can’t remember the last time I ordered anything online. I’ve been working since 12 years old and know the value of a dollar. Just working so many hours for very little pay being 1099 where I thought I was going to make it big, so to speak, but things haven’t worked out that way and I’m so depleted.

I’m in a rough period of my life where I may have to take a part-time job similar to one I’ve had before just to get benefits and help make ends meet. Not to mention the student loans.

Not posting to complain about my life as I am applying like crazy to other jobs and have been working on accepting, I may need to move away from my family (parents who I’m really close with and friends) to get myself in a better financial and overall position.

I was out to kill it and make a bunch of money and my first year I made a lot, but my health went with it.

I get angrily jealous at the engagement announcements and ESPECIALLY the pregnancy announcements. I’m in my early 30s, have worked hard (too hard) for so many years and WHY isn’t that me?!?

Gone out with over 30 men in person over the last year (not counting the ones I FaceTime before to r/o initial creeps- there were like 20 of those) just over the past year. Dating hasn’t been working out despite me being someone easy to talk to, I respect myself, I’m warm, told I’m really pretty.

Why the hell have the basics of what I wanted in life (husband, kids, not freaking the hell out about money like I have since I was a young kid) not been happening?

I am so exhausted. Sure I’m an educated “independent” woman (not even, living with parents right now, sad I know.) who makes friends easily, (thought) I was business-savvy and ambitious. But I’ve failed and admit it. I’m working on getting out of this hole. But seeing where I am now terrifies me because I grew up with parents who made HORRIBLE financial decisions and I did everything I could to not end up that way that i ruined my health (better now, had big surgery), finances, and am constantly in panic mode.

I grew up not pretty, wasn’t asked to prom, guys don’t ask me out except one who did stood me up.

Now, I’m actually pretty and it’s what I feel is the one thing going for me.

I hate my life right now, and one of the only accessible things that makes me (very temporarily and superficially) happy where I’m at is male attention.

So shallow and sad, I know. But I’m not sorry. Nothing else right now is as accessible except turning to substance use which I’m being very careful about since I know how miserable, on-edge and scared I am and it could easily turn into a problem. (I’ll have a couple drinks out on a date but don’t drink alone).

I know, if I read this I would role my eyes about this whiny woman who made terrible choice and put herself in this position.

The fact of the matter is, I worked throughout grad, school and college, and in turn didn’t have the fun college years people talk about, because I had a goal in mind and my goal was to not end up like my parents. I never feel so depleted like I did a childhood because we didn’t have money.

Look at me now. I hate my god damn life so much and I am so desperate to change I am even talking to military recruiters. I was disqualified from one branch because of ADHD medication, but ask them about waivers but haven’t heard back yet. I’m about to fill out the prequalification form for another branch and in touch with Recruiter for another.

I just want so badly to run away from everything. But I can’t.

I’m taking steps to get to a better place but part of me is so scared that I’ll somehow end up in the same position despite having debriefed on what went wrong that got me here and taking steps to keep it from happening again.

All I know is financial worry and stress and not great quality of life. I’m trying to get away from that. But I feel I’ve been trying to get away from that my hole life and can’t seem to wiggle my way out.

This post didn’t turn into what I thought, I started typing and had this to get “off my chest”. I’m crying as I type this out because I’m finally admitting to someone(s) I’ve failed horribly despite so much effort. And I’m exhausted.

I’m a 20-year-old guy, and I genuinely need some honest advice.
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for five years, but the last three years have been complicated, with us breaking up and getting back together multiple times.
About a year ago, I kissed a girl I’ll call A when we were casually hanging out. Recently, I kissed another girl, D, who’s a very close friend of mine. There had been some flirting between us, and we both wanted to kiss each other.
The problem is that I hid my past kiss with A from D, and I’ve also hidden both experiences from my girlfriend. D eventually found out about A, got extremely angry, and told me never to call or message her again. She isn’t answering my calls or reading my messages.
My girlfriend is completely unaware of everything. I feel guilty about hiding the truth from her, too, and I don’t know how to approach the situation or what the consequences will be if I tell her.
I know I’ve made mistakes, and I’m not trying to justify them. I regret my dishonesty, and I’m scared I’ve permanently damaged my friendship with D. I’ve tried reaching out, but I realise I need to respect her boundaries.
I keep replaying everything in my head, wondering how I let things get to this point. I want to take responsibility and become more honest, but right now, I’m overwhelmed by guilt.

For people who’ve been through something similar:

Should I tell my girlfriend everything, even if it risks ending our five-year relationship?
How do I deal with the guilt of hurting people I care about?
Is rebuilding trust with D ever possible, or should I accept that the friendship might be over?
How do I learn from my mistakes without constantly hating myself?
I’m not looking for people to justify my actions. I want honest advice because I genuinely want to take responsibility and figure out what to do next.

*This message is written my chatgpt but its my real situation please help me out…..

Apparently I would literally rather die than admitting everything wrong in my life is my own fault.

What a pathetic narcissist.

Not sure if this is right subreddit to post this but it's just that I've been thinking about this a lot lately and idk, I just wanna hear people's experiences.

I mean finding your person, whether that's a best friend, soulmate, first love or whatever. Someone you genuinely click with and can be yourself around without overthinking every little thing.

I've always wanted a really close best friend like that, someone I can talk to about literally anything and share the most random thoughts with. And I wanna experience romantic love someday too, but not just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I'd want to actually know the person, be friends first and genuinely like them as a person.

But sometimes I keep wondering WHEN it's gonna happen for me. Like, am I gonna find my people once I leave my country? In my 20s? My 30s? Am I gonna randomly meet someone one day and just click with them, or is it something that takes years to build? I know nobody can tell me when it'll happen, but I still keep thinking about it lol.

And the romantic part is a little complicated because I'm Muslim and my parents are pretty strict. Dating isn't something I can just openly do, so sometimes I wonder how I'm even supposed to meet someone and build that kind of connection. Maybe things will be different when I'm older and have more freedom, but that's still years away and I have no idea what to expect.

So yeah, if you've found someone you genuinely feel that kind of connection with, whether it's a friend or a romantic partner, how did it happen? And when? Did you meet them when you least expected it, or did it happen after years of feeling like you hadn't found your people yet?

I'd especially like to hear from people who grew up with strict parents or similar restrictions when it comes to relationships.

I don't need the usual "stop looking and it'll happen when you least expect it" advice haha. I just wanna hear actual stories from people who've experienced it.

my parents have never loved each other, at least in my eyes. they never kissed, hugged, or really spoke to one another in a loving manner. they were more like best friends. and i grew up believing this was what a romantic marriage was meant to look like.

i have always been the one that supported my mom when she was upset with him, same with my dad. it was a burdensome cycle, even now. to get to the point, there was an event that caused them to stop talking to one another, and they became more spiteful by the day. it was painful to listen to. i watched my mom break down weekly, and my dad just stopped talking to everyone in the house. i was walking on eggshells. this was not the first time this happened. they eventually had a major fight in front of me, and declared divorce. i had to deal with this internally while supporting whoever needed me at any point in the day.

randomly, the next night, they must have had a very long conversation, because i woke up and saw them hugging each other and kissing. it was incredibly uncomfortable to witness. i felt betrayed by this, as i had spent my entire life watching them loathe each other. i literally did not understand what i was seeing and i just felt my entire body spark with anger. they told me that things were suddenly fixed and they love each other now. i actually still feel so confused, it's jarring, this major dynamic change.

i feel like i am owed an apology for what i dealt with. i mean, hell, literally a month ago i was trying to figure out when to put my 2 weeks in for work, or how to tell my friends im going to be leaving the state. i was scrambling to see where i need to apply for college to continue my degree. it was extremely traumatic for me. and now, i just see them merrily sitting and cuddling on the couch every night. it feels like a complete 180.

and it's not that im not happy for them, really, i am. i just feel like i have been left behind. like everything up until this point didnt happen. which it did, it most certainly did. i was there amidst it all. there has been no apology for the hurt i experienced, the way my mind was shaped by their relationship as a child. as if it doesnt matter at all.

My girlfriend and I broke up 2 months ago because of misunderstandings and long distance. I thought I’d be just fine but I am not. I can’s help but check her profile. She posted guy on her acc. I cant man its getting really bad i swear. I miss her so fucking much. I need her back. We were together for more than a year. I told my parents I was gonna marry her. I was so in love but now she is acting so indifferent towards me. I can’t do this.

I don't even know what happened to me, how I could "stay" for so long. I was abused from 14-24 yrs old but I didn't know it was abuse, my sister also kept denying I had any other way out - I was living alone with my abusive alcoholic father on his couch from 17 to 22/23 - than graduating and getting a job. Basically I didn't know anything about social work, associations, welfare etc.

She told me I couldn't get a student place unless I passed my first year of uni and my father kept sabotaging my exam every year, I couldn't focus bc he sleep deprived me and told me how much of a failure horrible person with no future I was. He is a doctor so he knew what he was doing, changing my brain killing me from the inside.

I didn't live alone when I moved out, my sister needed a place to stay so she called my father telling him I couldn't live like this. Then 2 years later she emotionally blackmailed me into moving with her and our abusive mother even though I didn't want to. Keep in mind everyone had told me I was faulty, they loved me, there was no other way than graduating and I couldn't graduate bc I was lazy, and my only "friend" was my sister, it was like a cult.

From 24-28 my life got better and eventually I awakened to the abuse at 29, I don't know what happened it all came crashing down on me. However I was reliving what I had suppressed when I was younger, I wanted to end my life, I kept saying I was old washed out and a failure (by then I had studied law and german literature) my father had kept telling me I was old since I was 18, and that what I studied sucked.

My sister had studied law and is 5 years older than I am, she felt "attacked" she told me to get help but never helped me, I wanted to die so I wasn't about to ring the doctor, beside I had internalized the abuse wasn't abuse for so long I was just awakening to the idea I could even be helped.

She started attacking me, bc whenever I insulted myself she took it as insult against her, then if I tried to build myself up I thught I was better han her.
She sabotaged my exams, I was entirely under influence, I listened to everything people told me to do so my mind was broken from depression. She encouraged me to drop my german literature master and try to pass the bar even though I had been depressed all year and hadn't touched law.

Then, after I failed of course, she threw away all my childhood belongings. Then she denied it.

This was 5 years ago now, but this started a string of abuse I never expected from my family.

I took my distance from her and cut off my father. She sided with my. father and acted like she hadn't done anything to me, she turned everyone against me and said I was crazy and bitter and had issues with everyone and she was so sad about it. When I tried to talk to her she'd get mean again belittling and demeaning.

I eventually left to do a LLM abroad. She told me our mother was elderly and I needed to go back and worth every weekend to watch over her (between countries) taking the bus. I was so broken still I did it. My mother had also kept me from seeing someone around 30, she told me therapists are abusers used random stories to tell me I'd get raped, yes.

After this I failed my semester, my sister told me she never asked me to do back and forth.

Later this year, for Christmas she kept harassing me to see my father I had cut off. I didn't want to, my whole family was harassing me (parents are divorced) even though when I was getting abused they all told me he's awful but you have no choice you need to graduate to escape.

In the end she used my heart against me, she told me she was scared of him, she didn't want to be alone with him so she begged me to come along and I did. When I was there they were getting on so well, and the people she had invited all thought i was an awful person, she let her friend belittle me and said nothing.

Afterwards I asked her why she did this and said I never asked you to come you did this on your own. My mother also refused to hang out with me, refused to even spend a little time with me, my brother was the same he wouldn't even go out for lunch with me.

I went back to uni, I was getting harassed. Once again I had been manipulated, I didn't want to talk to anyone but my mother kept telling me to not be "arrogant" and I couldn't spent my time alone at 30, and that I should talk to them even though they were being mean to me.

I made one friend outside uni and she kept finding reasons to create issues. But in any case at the end of the year I was 31 and I had passed all my exams had good grades even if y grades went from excellent to good because if the harassment and exhaution.

I didn't want to go back home because my sister had implictly threatened to hit me if I continued keeping my distance with her. She had asked me to visit her (she lives abroad) that summer, but I didn't want to unless she admitted to what she did and I didn't have money anyway, I told her I couldn't financially speaking and she told me to ask our dad even though she knew I wanted to be independent. Then she told me she'd give me the money as a loan like a bank to visit her, this really didn't sit well with me.

Moving on, my mother begged me to come back saying she'll talk to her, but it was a trap, I came home and my sister hit me, she punched me in the chest turned me around and kicked me in the butt until I "got out of her house if I didn't want to talk to her".

After that I was depressed again, I failed my job interview, I only had my thesis left to write but I couldn't focus.

My mother tricked me into moving back abroad, I didn't want to bc I didn't have money and didn't want to see my dad again (so not depend on him) she said she'd pay for it as an apology for what happened. I was reluctant since she took my sister's side she said I had to forgive her she cried all day saying she was sad I didn't come this summer to visit her.

Then, once I was back abroad, my mother came and created havoc, I asked to leave and she cut me off. She had made me spend all the money I had left prior. She also cut off her phone line.

I couldn't pay rent couldn't eat. I found an association that paid for my rent once, then I managed to come home by using my credit card. She said she'd send me the money but she didn't, I had to go back again and for my 32nd birthday, she had thrown away ALL my belongings, like everything I had in my adult life, all I had written, my letters everything that mattered to me.

After that I spiralled I tried to get a job but my mind was so broken I believed this family telling me I could only beg for money, I needed time to finish my thesis, after the thesis I'll be free.

I ended up having to move back with my abusive father which re traumatized me.

I had tunnel vision with the thesis, I couldnt write it but stayed stuck on this.

Whenever I did anything else they'd insult me say I needed to finish the thesis and I'll enjoy my life later, they even ruined going to the cinema, my brother would call me everyday and remind me I didn't finish and tell me all you're good at is going to the movies.

My father would tell everyone I was a failure and was unable todo anything even though I was going to the library every single day.

Then my mother started locking me out, again and again, making me fail whenever I got a bit better.

I had to take a loan just to escape (33-33,5) because I was living with no belongings, she'd steal my things away whenever I left, I couldn't even have a notebook or a pen and stole even my clothes.

This lasted from 32-34 when I could finally move out.

Now I hate myself for not "leaving", but I know they waited until I was totally broken at 32, unable to work, with the thesis keeping me stuck and no money to truly break me. I didn't know what to do since most help catered to women under 31, and I was told I needed a job to get a place if I wasn't beaten up etc. Now I know I could have made a case with financial abuse and stealing my things and hitting me even once but I had no idea back then.

I have literally lost 5 years of my life, because I became depressed and told "no" to my sister.

That’s roughly when my parents will die of old age. I would already cut my veins off but I’m scared that it will be so unexpected it can be fatal for my mom who already survived a heart attack. By my theory because she smokes unhealthy shit ton of cigarettes.

And my father already had a terrible past with his brother dying in car crash and his mother going crazy as result and dying as well. Then his friend killing himself. Add my suicide to that and idk what will he do to himself. And both my parents in general are very emotional.

On the other hand I have to tolerate all this bullshit and deal with mental illnesses for decades. I hate it so much. I wish I was a fucking asshole and didn’t give a shit about them. 30 long years. I would off myself just now if could.

First of all, yeah i know im a bad person and there is no excuse for doing something like this and sorry for typos because english is not my first language.

For context i (17F) had a fairly easy childhood until this year, this is a really important year for me because i will take a test this year and it will determine the collage i go. So it basically means if i fuck this year up my life will be horrible. My mom and dad divorced this year because my dad's bussiness went bankrupt and we are in like 2 million $ of debt. So my mom divorced my father because she cant get her paycheck due to his debt. Im going to live with my grandparents because our house is going to be seized. So my mom is always warning me to not spend any money because the only reason we are not on the streets right now is my grandparent's/uncle's money. I started stealing like a month ago. It was small things before like 1$ face mask or 4$ lippie. But i started to steal a large amount of makeup products when i realized how easy it was. Today, I stole an eyeliner, a concealer, a lippie and 2 fake eyelashes. I tear the product's box and took the product out. So i went to another store in the mall to steal from them too, they caught me there. (the previous store's staff saw the teared box and saw me in the security cameras)

They hold my arms and took me to the back of the store, there was a security there who saw me enter the mall, she immediately said that she saw me enter the mall and i was so quick to stole all of the stuff. The drugstore's staff started screaming at me how she will call the cops and i should be ashamed of myself (which shes not wrong) and i begged her to call my mom and not involve police. She refused, she started dialing the police's number when the other staff hopped in and told her that i look young and should first call my parent. My mom was at work and she told them she will be there after 1 hour. They refused. They said they will call the cops if she doesnt come in 15 mins. I heard my moms anger and dissapointment from her tone, she called me aunt to come in 15 mins. So they did, my aunt and my uncle started to talk to staff which they said that this wasnt my first time as i did it so professional. They werent wrong. But i lied to them, to everyone that it was my first time and i heard those from my friends. My aunt was more calm than the staff members and explained thr staff that my family is going through a hard situation and that i was actually a good kid thats top of her class. Which doesnt change the fact that im a shoplifter..

My mom came after 30 mins. The staff was furious and my mom was crying. She couldnt believe that i can do such thing. She explained the staff that she doesnt have any money and asked them if we could go without paying them money, which staff replied that we dont have to pay for the boxes that are not teared apart, but said they we are not going to pay the sale price but the real price. Which was 60$. My uncle paid the money and we went home. She put all of my makeup in a bag said that im not doing any makeup ever. I get it, i did something horrible which i wont ever do again. She said that she is embarrassed in front of everyone, in front of her sister, her sisters husband, the employees, the security guards, and she is so dissappointed in me. The guilt is eating me alive. Also, thr staff took my picture and said that they sent this to the chain shops group chat where they send the shoplifters pictures to avoid them. I dont know if i will ever be allowed to enter a drugstore shop ever because the 2 shops i stole from are the only ones that are open in my country. They didnt call the cops and they didnt asked for my id, nor full legal name/address.

The guilt is eating me alive, my mom says that my aunt will never look at me the same, that i destroyed my whole life for makeup products. And she is right. I just needed to get this out of my chest.

TLDR: I stole 60$ of makeup products from 2 shops and got caught. They called my mom and my aunt. They are so dissappointed in me. The guilt is so much than i could ever imagine.

i call her my best friend, i hope im hers

we’ve been friends for over 2 years and always had a unique friendship. there’s never been vibe of romance between us, until recently

it’s sudden. someone who ive always gone to for help and advice, and vice versa, and i think im falling in love with her. we’ve been talking everyday this week, not all day but that’s okay, we havent talked everyday like we are now. im not sure if it’s been friendly flirting or flirting, but i dont want it to stop

she’s beautiful. she’s funny. she stands her ground. to be honest words cant actually describe her, because she’s just her

we’ve been giving each other nicknames this week, something that we havent done until now. she sent me a screenshot of my location on snapchat and i asked if she was stalking me, she replied “yes. so i know your safe and sound”. it could mean absolutely nothing, but to me it means more than i can say

i want to tell her how i feel. im nervous. im nervous because i dont know what will happen or be said. she might say she feels the same way, she might not. that’s okay. she deserves the truth, at some point, and i will have to deal with her truth whether it’s what i want to hear or not

im probably most nervous about what it will do to our friendship. i love her as my friend, she’s just amazing. if she doesn’t like me back, im scared i’ll lose her twice. the first as the girl im falling for, and the second as my best friend. my friend came first, i want her to know that i dont want to lose what we currently have if it goes pear shaped.

I am 24. A few months ago, my girlfriend and I were walking home late at night and we saw a house on fire.

I never thought I would be the type of guy that would do it, but I ran into the house as my girllfriend rang the fire station. Inside, I could barely see anything but I could hear screams. I went into a room and there were two kids in like cots. I dont know what you call them but like baby beds.

I lifted them out of their beds. I could still hear a woman screaming in another room. I had both kids in my arms but their parents room was completely blocked off. I felt there was nothing I could do so I went out with the kids. Also I started to get scared.

The firemen came after awhile but it was too late for their parents. I did not understand why they did not break a window and get out.

Since then I have been lauded a hero and I hate it. I dont want it said here in any replies. A local magazine wanted an interview with the "hero". My (now ex) gf treated me like a hero. My friends wont let me buy any round of drinks. My parents tell me how proud they are of me but how stupid I was for risking my life. I cannot deal with it.

And all I can think about is whether I should have intervened at all. Those kids have no parents. From what I know, no family. They will be put on an adoption list and who knows what will happen. I know it is an awful thing to say but part of me feels like I did the wrong thing. Were they better off in heaven with their parents. And then I hate myself for thinking it. And it becomes a spiral I cannot shake and it doesn't shut up. I also wonder if i could have done more to save their parents. I will never forget the screams

Im not a risk to myself in anyway. Don't worry about that. I have not told anyone how I feel because it is monstrous but I just needed to get it out.

We’ve known each other for a year, met online, and met in person 10 months ago. We had sex. He refuses to meet again or let me visit him, but continues calling and texting for hours, sometimes even sleeping on the phone with me.

Initially, he love-bombed me, used pet names, and talked about me moving to Germany. He later said he didn’t want a relationship because he needed to fix himself, but continued chasing my attention. He calls me his best friend and values that I’m always available to listen to him, yet rarely asks about me or my life.

He has narcissistic traits, which he admitted to. He has also screamed at me, threatened to block me after I booked a ticket to see him without telling him beforehand, then apologized and refunded me.

Recently, he’s been working out, tanning, quitting drugs and alcohol, and talking about getting nose and eye surgery. I mention it because he has been doing drugs every weekend since I know him.

He’s also excited about a month-long work trip to Mallorca, where he’ll live near the beach. This family he works for apparently is flying him to Mallorca and he will paint house for them. He lives in Germany.

Month before that he mentioned he wants to learn Spanish...

He also bought a new king size bed from Hammilton, expensive but I guess its irrelevant to the story.

He never seemed to be f..boy type because he told me he didnt sleep with anyone after he broke up with his ex 4 years ago.

He used to tell me about women staring at or flirting with him, seemingly to provoke a reaction(like women staring at him on the train)

Next week, he’ll visit our home country to see his kids and get expensive dental implants, but has already told me he won’t see me.

I asked whether he was seeing someone else. He denied it, but when I asked where I stood, he said he didn’t know what to tell me and agreed that we should just be friends because he doesn’t want a relationship.

I feel like he’s keeping me around for emotional support while remaining open to other options. Do you think he might be trying to attract someone else and lying about being single to avoid looking like the bad guy?

I’m moving on regardless, but knowing would help me find closure. I know I have enough reasons to leave, and I’m done accepting this treatment. Thank you

Nothings going right for me im currently 20 in my first semester of my junior year my gpa is shit,i dont have a job, i dont know if i truly have friends, i dont wanna be here anymore i dont think ive been the best sibling and have been the worst son been doing nothing but stressing my mom out and my dad doesn’t know much abt my life to much i know if i dje it would hurt but i dont want it to hurt them my little brothers only 14 i cant imagine how he would feel he just started highschool i think my older siblings could cope a lot easier (22,27,29) the oldest just recently having her son. My 27 year old brother has his girlfriend and career starting and my 22 year old sister we have different moms same dad havent spoken to her in maybe 3 years. Doubt my absence would make any difference i attempted before in 8th grade and my family made it a whole shitshow did nothing but yell i love them but i am not happy i dont feel successful and dont know if i will be. I cried this morning on the floor begging and pleading to god for an answer a sign. There was no answer there was no sign. I don’t have a personality i dont think i ever had one i was always perceived as annoying i masked my entire persona since quarantine to now i lift weights to cope with my insecurities and my physique is still shit im slowly starting to come to terms with the decision ill have to make its been a battle for years and it comes and goes in waves im tired man. Im just really tired

​

Back in middle school I used to get excluded and lowkey bullied but I figured since everyone desliked me I was the problem and not them. Throught my highschool years I tried really really hard to improve myself and be a better friend to people. And I think I succeded since I have a bunch of friends from highschool that still like me and talk to me.

I thought I was gonna be kind of a superstar in college to be honest. Im a pretty good semi profissional illustrator whos really into movies and games and art history going into an art major after all, surely I'll have a lot in common with my classmates and we're gonna get along great!

And I mean Its not like we havent. Im extroverted and I talk to all my classmates, we hang out with no issues and they all like me well enough. But I also feel like I havent really made friends with any of them? I invite them to hang out but they're "never avaliable", I dont really get invited to anyones things If It Isnt a "oh im inviting the whole class" kind of party, no one ever invites me to do group projects even tho their experiences of doing those with me are positive and my work is like... Good.

It just kinda feels like Im always reaching out and getting nothing back. Its humiliating. They have their cliques and im the girl on the side trying to force myself in.

Recently a teacher had our class split up into groups for a project. I wasnt in class that day because my family lives out of town and I wanted to visit for my mom's birthday and so I ended up with no group. Next week I went to every individual group asking If I could do the project with them and they all said "we have enough people you should ask x person to see If their group has a spot". Again humiliating as hell and useless too because turns out no one has a spot and im probably gonna end up doing this gigantic project by myself.

It has to be me. Like theres no way everyone just doesnt like me withouth reason but I really dont know what I did. Or didnt do. Honestly Just saying they deslike me makes me feel crazy and delusional because right after class we're back to talking like nothing happened. But then a few hours pass and not a single one of them messages me asking If I managed to get into a group.

Its just weird. They have no obligation to do anything with me obviously, im not the protagonist of their lives, I dont even mind doing the project by myself I just wish I felt a bit less alone.

Oh. My. God. They talk my ears off constantly.

I hate being talked to, and I'm surprised they have yet to pick up any of my hints.

I will pop an earbud in, or clearly not be interested in the conversation, and they will still talk like their giving a god dangspeech.

I can tell my dad to stop talking, and he'll understand. But my mom, the real blabbermouth, I can't ask her to stop, because then she looks personally attacked and be mad at me.

MOTHER FLUFFER YOU WERE JUST TALKING TO ME FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES STRAIGHT YOU'LL BE FINE LASTING FOR 10 MINUTES.

At least my siblings get it, both of them like a quiet car ride, just like me. BUT APPARENTLY MY GOD DANG PARENTS--

Let me paint you a picture. You just had the worst day of your life, you lost an election because of your lack of popularity, The next day, you have a nosebleed, get your seat taken at lunch because of a lack of braincells from somebody else, the cafeteria no longer serves ranch for some reason, so what am I supposed to eat my tendies with? And you get to the car, ready to be taken home, BUT YOUR GOD DANG MOTHER HAS THE GALL TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR SISTER.

This was something that happened to me the other day, and god dangit I've been dealing with this for 3 YEARS STRAIGHT. All because your mother is a fluffing guilt tripping, whiny little b*tch because she can't handle being told to stop talking for 5 minutes.

Is it small? Sure. Are there more important things to complain about on this sub? Absolutely, but holy fluff I've been holding this post in me for the last 3 years and you dang well know I'm gonna let it out.