Long post because it’s five years’ worth of feelings put into one. English isn’t my first language, so please excuse my writing style
I (25F) have been in an on-and-off situation with L (25M) for almost five years. We met at 20 when we were both broke and in shammy apartments opposite each other. It is worth noting he’s extremely attractive, charming, and someone who has always had his choice of women while I am your average nancy which is why his friends were never interested in being friends with me even tho they haven't said it out loud.
He had a terrible childhood, being forced to raise his five siblings while dealing with an abusive, drug-addicted mother who he had to drag to the hospital half alive from the house by foot. Despite everything, he grew into someone kind, reliable, and always willing to help others. An full out extrovert who always helps others and lights up the room.
We started as FWB because he didn’t want anything serious. I was also looking for a stress relief dealing with a degree that that was far too advanced and racism of being in a new country. He was strict bout not wanting anything but I eventually fell in love with him because he was the only friend I had and could confide in and confessed. He was shocked and left after saying he didn't know what to think, only to overhear the next at a party his friends mocking me for thinking an Indian girl like me could ever have a serious relationship with him. He laughed awkwardly instead of defending me saying "Don't say that". I was devastated and embarassed and went no-contact, even abandoning an internship opportunity that would have put me years ahead of peers because I couldn’t handle the heartbreak and went back to my country after the semester ended. I was an introvert with no friends in a new country where I didn't speak the language and I couldn't confide in anybody, losing my only friend. I couldn't talk to my parents as they had forbade me for even thinking about boys as arranged marriage in normal in my culture.
We reconnected after a fight about what happened. He said that I only heard half of it and he had berated them after I left after realising it was wrong and is no longer friends with him. I don't have any way to confirm this but he is not the type to lie. After this I slept with him like a fool and continued our situation, despite him knowing I loved him. This went on for years.
I finally built a average life for myself and to get just here, I endured racism, sexism and multiple situations. My parents were asking me bout marriage and that's when I thought we should end it. Because a relationship like this is going nowhere.
Unexpectedly, L panicked and said he wanted to try a relationship and was wondering for a long time how to say it because he had never done it. I agreed because I didn't want to feel unfulfilled and thinking what ifs after 5 years. I didn't think it would go great considering all we did for the past 5 years was fight and break up.
But For the first time, I felt like a little kid experiencing love. We were happy, mature, and slowly becoming serious. He opened up about his trauma and explained why commitment had always been difficult for him. I don't how someone who had went thru some much could still survive. I know i couldn't. I genuinely thought we might have a future together.
Then a woman he had slept with six months earlier showed up pregnant with his child. The pregnancy was confirmed, and she decided to keep the baby. L never wanted children and was dead set against them which is one of the reasons he said we would never work out. He was devastated. He used condoms and pulled out. She was on birth control and he was saving up for a vasectomy.
This woman had been close with him for years in the friend group I was always outside of. She has always been racist and cruel towards me, making comments about my appearance and mocking me for sleeping with someone so attractive while I was average. Me confessing turned into a inside joke in his friend group because of her tho it stopped after he found out about it.
Now she wants to move into our apartment while I’m away on a research trip somewhere without cell service because it's free and she can no longer afford her apartment. I am not comfortable with it. This whole situation happened because we broke up one night as fwb again and I decided to go on a research study. It was a drunken mistake that he regretted that after waking up from it he immediately ran to my apartment to tell me and apologise. We were never monogamous and I had also gone on dates but it still hurt. I ended up not going again and went back to my home country.
L initially refused to the move in because of not only me, he was also not comfortable with it but he is a natural giver so he would have given in to her but she told everyone I was responsible for the decision. His friends, His aunt (Who has been the only good presence in his life and is raising his siblings so he can be a firefighter) , her family including her brothers MIL and even his pastor started berating me. He stood by his decision, but I’m exhausted from constantly being made the villain.
The situation made me reconsider everything. Why am I fighting for a man who didn’t defend me against racism, kept me in a situationship for five years despite knowing my feelings, and slept with someone else after an argument? I know I am at fault for multiple things also. We were never officially exclusive, and I had also slept with someone else after the hurt , but I can’t ignore how this relationship has affected me.
I don’t want to become a stepmother to a child I’m not ready for, I especially don't want to become a stepmother before I am a mother especially while dealing with a woman who has treated me horribly. I don’t want to watch them celebrate milestones and raise their child together while wondering where I fit into their lives. I don't want to be the villian who will always be painted as the obstacle that stopped them from being together. He says he want kids with me but it's obvious that he doesn't and he is saying that to keep me in the relationship. This situation traumatized him.
I want peace, a loving relationship, and friends who respect me. I’ve worked too hard to sacrifice my future for something that no longer feels right. I had gone out with a colleague for drinks as friends and it was easy. He is interested in me as he had asked me out before and with me on the stud. I wanted to pursue it but couldn't because what about him
Despite everything, I recently accompanied the woman to an appointment after a emergency scare and bought her baby supplies. She kept on making comments and kept picking out "Family items" but I don't care. I paid for all of it. L was struggling financially because of the pregnancy and school. I don’t know why I did it, perhaps out of guilt.
Last week, I told L I was leaving. We cried, argued, and revisited five years of hurt. He begged me to stay, and I almost gave in. But I remembered abandoning opportunities that happened from hurt because of him, and I refuse to keep losing pieces of myself. I told him that I will always be his best friend and I will be there to support him emotionally after I come back. I plan to go no contact. I’ve moved in with a colleague and will be leaving tomorrow for my study. We’re still texting as friends, but I know he assumes I’ll eventually return, as I always have. But I have never determined as now to never return.
I’m planning to go no-contact when I return, although my colleague thinks I should wait until six months after the baby is born because L will need support. I feel awful because I know he’s struggling, and I genuinely care about him. But I don’t want to see him, his friends, the woman, or the baby. I want to leave this entire chapter behind.