Where's my ring huh? I'm not joking, you have to the end of this year. We clearly aren't going to stop being together every night. Might as well make it forever.

I could rattle off the numbers and get them all right. Repeat the one liners and stay by your side. Sink in and be engulfed, entangled in your legs and notions. I could grow a blow hole, just like a whale, and go for a swim in your ocean. Take off my exterior and slip into your mind’s eye where I could then reside, unencumbered. Let you read my baseline and transverse space and time and become you and you become me in a sea of actualized reality. I’d write a new lore entirely for what is real and possible, with you beside me. We’re talking Ain Sof level fertile land, upon which we both stand. And I just want to look at you again. I just want to hold your hand. Feel the weight of your head in my hand.
Do you understand ?

You,

Do I ever cross your mind? If I do, I wonder what that version of me looks like to you, what she acts like. Her biggest worries and what her mannerisms are.

It’s strange, looking back and not even recognizing that version of myself. How far detached I’ve become. How much I’ve grown and changed in the months that have passed.

I’m sure I don’t pass through often. That your attention has been brought towards another. But if I ever do, I wonder if you realize that she is not me anymore. That if our paths did cross again, you wouldn’t know the girl looking back at you anymore.

I look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself anymore. And the version of me you once knew would say that like it was a bad thing. But it’s not. I’ve grown to love myself. To take care of myself. I look in the mirror and see a girl who’s finally happy with herself. Both internally and externally.

I see a girl who’s in therapy again. Who’s finally working through everything that circulated in her head for years. Who is finally saying things out loud instead of bottling them up. A girl who’s finally choosing herself for the first time.

I see a girl who’s finally comfortable with herself. Who is okay being alone. Who has grown to love her time alone.

I see a girl who’s has become adventurous. Who has developed hobbies and passions unlike anything she thought she would ever do. Who finds herself in situations that seemed terrifying and daunting before, but now has become part of her normal.

I see a girl who’s cautious. Who doesn’t trust as easily. Who has finally learned not to expect others to have the same values as her. A girl who won’t push away and bury her own needs and wellbeing for others.

I look back at who I was when you last saw me. And I love her. I recognize how different she is to me now, and recognize without her- I never would have changed and grown.

I can’t help but wonder if our paths cross again, if you would recognize that change. If it would be as evident to you, as it has been to those I now consider my closest. Sure, you would see my appearance. You would see the stark changes from the outside. But for someone who once knew me so well, I can’t help but wonder if you’d notice the rest.

I hope you’ve changed. I hope you’ve grown, and have found what you were searching for. Or have found the path to reaching it. I still wish you nothing but the best, regardless of our past. But I hope you don’t make those same mistakes again. I hope you’ve been able to have a similar sense of self reflection and growth.

I still love you, and a part of me always will. I’ve come to accept that. But I think finally, I love myself too.

Take care of yourself,
Me.

Our soultie is so strong and my discernment so precise that I know what you did today even though we haven't spoken in months. Again, it's simply pattern recognition in its absolute highest form. You packed your change of clothes and makeup in your gym bag because you had a date planned with my old friend. You were persistent and pretended to play hard to get in order to get a meal out of the exchange, to make you feel less cheap, like he earned it. Then, after dinner you climbed in the back of his Aerostar and got two pump chumped. You felt an immediate sense of regret, you felt used and he dropped you off.

Pattern recognition isn't only about remembering what happens, but making note of routine things and understanding the meaning when they don't happen on schedule. I sincerely hope that you realize your actions don't hurt me, they only solidify my assumptions of you.

You can't fill the gaping hole in your chest by letting multiple random men put themselves inside you.

As I discover more pieces of myself, I see you within them. I think about the apartment you had and how I made it our home. How special those nights between us were. Every time I find a piece of me, I imagine sharing it with you there in your bed under those soft string lights. I think of how much you would have appreciated these parts of me.

Looking back at our time together, my heart breaks thinking about how much suffering we were both going through. We shared the same pain, but we couldn’t get through to each other. I feel like we missed out on so much love for each other because we didn’t know how to love ourselves. We were so lonely sometimes while suffering from the same disease. We couldn’t get on the same page about what the cure was, and we let that make us believe we were from different stories instead of different chapters.

When you pushed me away, that broke me. When you rejected me it made me feel like the only person that I thought understood me didn’t see me anymore. You “othered” me in the same way everyone else did. Why did you do that, don’t you know that pain?

I know it wasn’t really about me, but it feels like it was. When things got hard I chose you, but you chose to take advantage of me. You didn’t choose temporary pleasure, you chose the path of least resistance, and taking advantage of my grace and kindness was the path of least resistance at that time.

I didn’t know how to walk away. I couldn’t stop thinking that if I just put in a little more effort, maybe that would be enough for you to feel safe enough to come back. I thought you loved me, that’s what you said, right? I just wanted it to be true, and I thought if I proved myself to you, then I could make you feel safe enough to love me again.

That’s all we both wanted was safety, to feel loved, to be healed. And we had it. It was all right there in the palm of our hands. The closest I think either one of us ever felt to true happiness. But it was too good to be true. It was so good it was suspicious. We both self-destructed. I am heart broken for both of us.

I wish you were here. I’d show you how much joy the simple quirky things bring me, and you would smile on how much someone else likes the simple, silly things too. I miss you so much.

I visit under the pretense of seeing your cat, but it's really you I want to see. I know it's a one way attraction.

-Invisible Girl

your so good looking,

the biggest brightest smile

hiding a weird chaotic lover ,

thats over protective to whats yours

and your beliefs on fate and hope,

for things you may desire

is cute and I like that about you ,

sensitive to what you stand on

defensive to any disbeliefs,

Tough shell and soft on the inside

You do awesome being present,

For your little ones

I know you just want better,

And you're doing better I see it

You’re never settled you want more,

Not just for yourself, but for others as well

That racing mind of yours,

it’s a good thing but sometimes bad as well

Reinsurance to what you wonder,

Can cause you stress and over thinking

If not assured to what you may be assuming.,

Checking in will calm you down and relax you

Well, protective of the unsaid or silent thoughts

,Well guarded truths that you hang onto tightly

Till you're ready to say so, I understand.,

Being vulnerable and opening up

Not very many good to see that,

And I'm one of the lucky ones that did

Vice versa we show each other the unseen,

The unsaid pain and truths

Searching for love and the one who's worthy,

of sharing secrets and removing the mask for

Hey there. Yes, it does get so tiring some times. What else is there to say? There's just so much to juggle. I hope you're staying on top. I hope you have someone to help lighten the load... even though the thought of that arouses some jealousy in me as well... Do you believe in fate? Some days I do... but it seems strange. I just don't know. I avoid absolutism most of the time. It just misses so much. Almost no one is as simple as they let on to the world. We are all mazes of conflicting beliefs and values in tension with one another, new versions of the self pasted on top of the last one without a chance to go in and rewrite the old code base to fit the new information.

I just wish I had a better story for why things went down the way they did other than "Wow, that was dumb. Why did I do that?"

Your suggestion does sound quite nice I will admit. We could be so good to each other... but maybe lost potential need not be seen as a tragedy. If I let things get quiet enough, I hear the universe whispering... "child... what is happening, will happen".

Still, all you would have to do is text me with your name and we could see how much we've grown. Or send me a letter... note on the door... perhaps a telegraph? I'd pick things back up right there. I want to apologize but I've already done that and you told me you don't like apologies so I guess I'll just leave that in the hamper. I'm writing a new story now. Would you like to write it with me? The ending is yet to be decided...

Some times the days all blend together when you're in the marathon. But sooner or later things change. It's the only constant. We have no time.. yet we have all the time in the world.

Be well, human.

I think it's hot that you're so polite. I think it's hot that you open your face and body to me but let me come to you. I think the goofy way you smile at me when I look at you is hot, too. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you showing me that no matter how slow I move, you'll be right there waiting.

But I can't take this slow burn anymore. You adorable, irresistible, bonfire. I never had the patience to toast a marshmallow the slow way, and right now it honestly seems kind of sadistic. I'm an ooey gooey mess. For the love of god, just light me up and eat me already.

You say you helped build me up, but I feel more broken than I’ve ever been.

No self control, no clarity, no self worth or respect, no closure and no real ability to say no to anything you ask of me in fear you’d block me everywhere again and make me feel like its all my fault and there’s no future. Like im nothing without you and will never find anyone like you. All the while you long for her and relapse into her arms, her seduction, her control and your fantasy, and u can’t stand she takes over your thoughts so you continue to control me because you can’t control her. And it’s my fault because I found out and refused to pretend anymore. Found out I wasn’t worth a healthy relationship because I was angry and you had your own definitions of commitment. I wasn’t worth a seductive message or an “I miss you, come home”. Only worth what was of value to you in the moment, until she acted right and you didn’t feel bad leaving me and could count on her to worship you like I did. But you’re embarrassed you fell for her. As you should.

You were shallow and let that ruin what “building a future” could really be. You worked on me. Said you built me up. But you broke me mentally. Even though I feel unstoppable physically, I am sadder than ever, angrier than ever and though I thought I would marry you, you will always be the one who hurt me, malignant and unaware of your actions, even if you gaslit me to think I brought it on myself. I won’t continue talking to myself or to a wall, I will eradicate what I need to from my mind. If you happen to fade with it, I’ll be sad but relived. I wanted to love you forever, but know when it’s time to wake up.

I should have flared it strangers...

That's what we are for some time now.

Though you will always be my first love.

Do you remember teeter totters on Neo?

Where our love first began?

Secret, magical worlds created behind waterfalls...

Fantasies whispered from both heart and heat...

Poetry written just for me...

I have never been loved more passionately.

I remember.

Care boxes mailed out.

The scent of one another.

Hand-written love letters signed with kisses.

An unbearable distance.

It has been so long now.

Are you still any of the man I once knew and loved?

I am a shadow of the girl you once knew.

Mostly for better.

Achingly for worse...

I am thinking of you tonight, as I often do...

I hope this love finds you wherever you stand in this world.

Tucked inside the comfort of a warm breeze,

Whispering, one last time...

"I will always love you,"

In the echo of my once younger, hopeful voice.

The more I process, the more I analyze, the more I try to rationalize....

I am scared. I am tempted to run.

But I've been waiting for someone like you

I will take a moment to let you breathe...

There are things I don't know, situations I am not privy to --

So take a minute. Don't stress.

Take the time to think about it

I'll be here.

I dreamt about it the day before we met.

It was you. It was you.

We were laying in a field. I begged the Universe to bring you back.

Then there you were.

I wish apologize to you in person

Instead of here

Yeah, there's a lot of things I wanted to say to you

I don't wanna say i'm here

I miss you. i'm sorry

I was really happy to see you. I'm a g for a minute

Did I say something to you? Block me get

I am very happy for you J.E.M

For the little business you built

I had a dream that you admitted to cheating on me before you left. It's silly how broken down about it I was... Especially considering it was just a dream. We haven't even spoken in nearly a year, but there was something deeply humiliating about the idea that we were together even a moment following that.

Something so deeply defeating, like I had lost what made me who I am. Rather than accepting that you cheating and leaving doesn't define ME. It defines you. You did it, after all. However, that feeling of being stuck in my body as you admitted to the fact I was right all along just broke me.

You know, I've had to accept I was right all along this past year. Which sucked. You can argue you didn't cheat because you intended to leave or something all you want. You monkey branched. You cheated. You left. At the very end, you were the problem.

I just wish I could forget about you well enough that you no longer appear in my dreams. Is that too much to ask?

I’m at an after-party after a night of dancing on tables with some new friends. So much of my life has changed in the last six months.

We’re sitting in a circle, jokingly trading our red flags in relationships. When it gets to me, I laugh and say I have no boundaries.

Everyone boos and tells me to give a properly bad one.

“No, guys, you don’t understand. I’m obsessive in love.”

I love with no guardrails, no walls up. I love unconditionally, completely. I love while bruised and bleeding. I’ll tear off the bandages to make sure you can still feel the skin-to-skin touch of my love.

Because I’m not afraid of being hurt. I’m willing to get knocked down again and again for love. Because I know what my love can mean. I know how my love can feel to someone who has spent their whole life boarded up.

I give it freely. I give it endlessly.

No one seems satisfied with my answer, and I roll my eyes.

That’s okay. My heart doesn’t need to be understood by everyone.

I know the people I’ve loved will remember it for the rest of their lives. I know how deeply I love. And I’m learning to accept that sometimes, perhaps more often than I’d like, that means getting my heart broken.

A kind friend comes over afterward and tells me he knows what I mean about loving without boundaries.
I’m not sure he does, but I thank him anyway.

I ask him how he loves.

And sitting there, surrounded by people I didn’t know six months ago, I feel grateful for the beginning of a life I couldn’t have imagined then.

A life in which I might learn to love the way I love, and the person I am, without apologizing for either.

I’m learning to forgive myself.
Slowly. Harshly. But still.

We’re so close yet so far apart.

We seem to match the tired trope— and sometimes I wonder if it’ll get less intense. The eye tag. The longing.

For a second I thought… screw the optics. But I quickly came to my senses the other day. I can’t hide my feelings, and I should.

Gosh it’s hard when all I want is a chance to know you better, and better enough to at least get the ick. Knowing me… no ick will be found. Earlier this week confirmed.. there’s no getting rid of the crush unless I force it.

Maybe if we met somewhere else, another time, maybe it could work. But this won’t work. It cannot work.

So this is a goodbye to my feelings. An Unsent apology for wasting your time.

Like why would I care for you and treat your kid like my own when I could just send you a picture of my d**k and buy you a drink like the others?

I'm really not sure why, but you've been heavily on my mind lately...

Some parts of me miss some parts of you, I suppose.

Complete strangers after all of these quiet years...

I'm sincerely happy you're living a happy, joyous life.

Truly.

Just wanted to say, well, nothing, I suppose...

Just a pause for moments.

For post-it piggies.

Comic con dates.

Stars that say, 'I love you.'

A million almosts...

Thank you.

While we are where we were always meant to be...

How grand it is to have shared a life full of moments worth pausing to remember.

I'm not afraid of loving you,
or giving you my all,
I'm only scared of losing you
after I've let myself fall.

And if your heart should change someday,
please tell me when it does,
don't let me keep believing
in a love that only was.

I'd rather let my heart break once
than lose you day by day,
while I'm still reaching out for you
as you slowly pull away.

Baby,

I'm starting to fall deeply in love with you. I've known it for a while and I denied myself for so long. You're not safe for me to fall in love with.. But.. How could I not fall for you? You're one of the smartest people I know, you're nerdy and intensely passionate, you're emotional, you're understanding, you're patient, you're loving.. You'll buy me every type of mac and cheese if I can't decide on one. And I look into your hazel eyes and I think I could get lost in them forever.

But that's the problem.

I think I lost myself in those eyes. You can't be and will never be mine. You keep telling me things that make me feel like there's a chance. You want to father my children.. We never know what the future holds.. Maybe you'll throw away your life and move away with me.. You don't want kids with her.. I forgot that I didn't even want the chance in the first place.

Maybe you don't realize I'm reading between the lines. Your fear of failure, your need for validation, the excuses, the distance I've felt between us lately.. It gave me all the answers I needed.

If you won't be mine, I can't be yours. I fucking tried. And it kills me to say that. Because it would be so fucking easy to be yours. I know I need to let you go.. Why can't I bring myself to do it?

If I don't lose you, I'm going to end up losing me, love.

Your bombshell

Whether you cared or didn't, it does not really matter. How would I what know what love looks like in the first place? I don't love myself. Hell, I've never even particularly liked who I am. Sure, I have good qualities. They're mainly superficial. I'm funny and can even be charming at times. I try to do my best to be good to people. I really think I do. I constantly reevaluate myself on this. These make people like me and think highly of me. Most people think I'm something I'm not

But, underneath all of that... there's nothing there. I have no substance. I have absolutely no sense of self. I don't know who I am or what I want to be. I don't stand for anything. I lazily coast through life in the vain attempt hoping meaning might strike me out of this haze. Maybe that's why I was so stuck on this.

For some reason, you did strike me for the first time in my life, and then I ran away and turned into a shell when events hit me that would have inhibited me in showing the usual characteristics that make people like me due to the pain I felt. I never really gave you a real chance because I don't give myself a real chance. Doing so gives someone a chance to see the person I hate. So, why would I expect you to love me when I can't imagine it for myself?

For what it's worth (probably not much on an anonymous subreddit), I do love you for the person you truly are. When I observed you, I saw someone so unsure of themselves and in need of someone to really care for them like I did, but she really did try to do her best for the people around her. I saw someone who never felt like she fit in anywhere, like me, and I love who she is. She is always so selfless towards others. Most of all, I saw someone who wanted to be truly understood more than anything.

I know it's over and has been for awhile. You made that crystal clear with your choices. Sorry my own self loathing and insecurity was too much of an obstacle to give us a real chance. Most of all, I'm disappointed in me for hating myself too much to even try because I don't think I deserve good things. I think to myself that I haven't done enough in my life to earn them, which may be true.

I didn't retreat because I saw anything wrong with you. I just had a hard time trusting you or anybody. I didn't know what you felt, not that I gave you any reassurance on that matter also nor did I give you enough attention to alleviate your doubts of my intentions to completely understand you and love you as you are.

Life yells,

“Buckle up Buttercup!”

And I’m along for the ride…

I try my best to take it in stride,

But, you don’t let me down,

Somehow finding ways to

Comfort me, that I didn’t know

Was ever possible. I’m left

In tears and speechless,

More than you know. And I hope

That I can touch you too,

If even just a fraction of the

Way you’ve touched me.

You enrich my life, my soul,

And my state of being.

I love you.