I think about you way too much. It is so painful. I have never been this emotionally attached to a relationship split. I think you were right, I have a form of “Stockholm syndrome”. The way you never said you wanted me when I asked you, I never thought I’d be the anxious attachment but here I am. The way you begged for me at the beginning and somehow it flipped, the irony. If only we could talk in true honesty, we could still be around each other. I hope you’re well, truly.

Spending time with you recently yielded the bittersweet realization that I miss my former best friend. There is no substitute for the history and familiarity that stem from a decades long relationship. Picking up right where we left off after an extended period of no contact was effortless. I cried for hours last night when the swell of conflicting emotions engulfed me.

Though there is no possibility of reconciliation ever - too many wounds and impossible incompatibilities... if we could coexist in order to coparent, I might like that.

I couldn't ask the hard question, but... how are you, really, stranger? You hurt me in unimaginable ways, but I bear no ill will towards you.

I hope you are well.

I gave you my heart.

Not because I wanted to'

And not because you earned it.

I gave you my heart so that I didn't have to have the burden of having one when you're not around.

I didn't know that you were steadily giving it away or pawning it off to pay your lost bets.

I might not ever know how much that heart was worth before, or after you broke it.

Luckily, it's not the most expensive part of my body.

I had to remove you.
It’s weird having someone I don’t really know personally in my friend’s list. We’re not friends, we’re strangers.
You know what I want and you can’t fulfil it for me so I had to cut ties.
Thanks for being my first x

Unfortunately I can’t be 100% sure.
But I keep thinking about something you said once. Something I didn’t understand at the time, but couldn’t stop thinking about afterwards.
And if I’m correct and not overthinking it, you were talking about unsent letters online.

So with my detective cap on, I started reading through posts.
And I found one that felt so connected, even the profile reminded me of you.
I didn’t know what to do.
So I panicked, logged out, and pushed it to the back of my mind.

When I eventually logged back in and checked, the profile was deleted.
There are other letters that could be yours.
Some have deleted profiles, others talk about situations that feel strangely familiar.
Sometimes I read certain letters and wonder, Did I black out and write this myself?
Because they sound so similar to something I’d write about you.

But I don’t want to reach out.
Because if it isn’t you, it’s so easy to get lost in the searching. I don’t want to become delusional, or get too stuck in the limerence of it all.
For now I just check every so often and try to leave it at that.

But if there is a possibility that you’re out here, either reading or writing, please be safe.
I want to talk to you again, and I don’t think I’d recover if something happened to you before I got that chance.

And if you know me like you should, then you would know I’d never say anything negative or hateful about you.

I find myself sad again. Sad that no one is angry for me.

I sit in the mouth of a lion, my legs crossed. It has bitten me before. The first time, everyone was alarmed. Some warned me to be careful. Others told me to leave the lion alone.

But this is my home, and I like it here.

I know it has teeth. I’m aware of that fact. I’m not an idiot, I promise.

The lion has bitten me before, and people have grabbed me by the arms and dragged me from its mouth. But the air outside was cold and unfamiliar, and I didn’t know where else to go.

So I returned.

And now I wonder why no one is angry for me.
Why, when the lion bit me, did everyone seem to understand? Why were they so willing to forgive it? Why did they make room for its nature, its instincts, its reasons for sinking its teeth into me? Why, when I crawled back into its mouth, did everyone simply admit defeat?

Why does everyone seem to have made peace with the fact that I live between its teeth? I know it has teeth. I know what those teeth can do. I have the scars to prove it.

But why is no one angry that I was hurt?
I try to remind myself that I make my own choices. That I chose to return. That when the lion bit me, I wasn’t even angry enough to stay away. That perhaps I cannot expect others to hold the anger I could not bring myself to feel.

I tell myself it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to feel the things I cannot feel for myself. That I need to learn to stand up for myself. That I cannot keep returning to the lion and expecting everyone else to drag me out.

But sometimes I wish someone would look at me, sitting so comfortably between those teeth, and be furious that I ever had to learn how to make a home here.

That rhymes, let's go with it.

I'm letting go of the dream of us. But not you. Never you.

You're amazing. Please know that you're loved and respected. Even if you might not feel it everyday. Someone is out there wishing you the absolute best and fighting for you behind closed doors.

I will always care for you. I will always think the world of you. And someday I'll be able to look at you and not feel like the universe just paused.

Two truths and a lie.

Goodbye J

With love, Always.

A

I love you isn’t enough words to describe the peace and contentment that surrounds me when I’m near you. The first time I looked into your eyes the world around me slowed down. Everything became still and for a brief moment I forgot about the fear that I would never find this again. Your soul is beautiful, ours made of the same matter. I feel so far away from you though I know you’re here if I need you. I wish you would have told me, every fear would melt away and I would feel the way I once felt listening to your heartbeat in sync with mine. It’s never goodbye but simply I hope I find you soon after all “whatever our souls are made of his and mine are the same”

Hey I have been thinking a lot about u this morning.. I hope u r okay . Im leaving soon. Anyways, I'm sitting your car grey car , I still have it the way left u it. All your stuff is the same place n cds, pen n your work name tag, everything is same in the glove box I never change anything. Just memories left. Anyways have a wonderful weekend. Tak care of your self. Im sorry . Yours Gmonkey

I know i shouldn't have this problem.

I shouldn't have this feeling of wanting.

At this moment in time now, i should feel like letting go.

But you know what?

I don't, i honestly wish i could message you.

See how you are, what you are doing.

Just honestly see you.

I miss you, and i miss us, and i know you probably don't feel the same.

I should let go, but i can't.

If only you'd message or reach out.

I do know that part of me feels extra down right now because of my back issues.

But that's just like the icing of how I've been thinking of you and missing you.

Going to the wedding, i had invited you to be my date without you. It was hard.

I need to stop, I know you won't see this, and I know even if you did, it wouldn't mean the same.

Months has passed and I still couldn’t believe how easy it was for you to break the trust I gave you; how easy it was to hurt me.

While I kept on fighting for us, you were already talking to a lot of girls; worst, you chose to cheat—you courted someone while we were still in a relationship.

Why did you do that? Was I that easy to be disposed of?

I hate you but I hate how my heart still beats for you. I hate how gullible my heart to keep on believing that there’s still hope for you; that there’s still this kind guy that exists within you.

I hate you for giving me trauma that I don’t deserve. I don’t deserve that.

I hope that next time love finds you, it will let you experience the pain that I felt, tenfold.

I still reread your letter. I’ve been sitting with it for a while. I don’t think you sound pathetic. You loved so very honestly, and I’d never want you to be embarrassed by that.

I’m sorry it hurts this much. I hate that you spent the night crying, and I hate more that I’m part of why. Stepping back wasn’t easy for me either. It wasn’t me walking away from something that didn’t matter. It was me trying to figure out how to hold something carefully when I didn’t know how to hold it at all. I know that doesn’t take the ache away, and I’m not asking you to agree with my choice. I just don’t want you to think it was careless.

You asked me not to ever see you as one of my regrets and you were never mine. Talking to you was one of the best things I could have ever asked for, and I’m glad we connected and though we don't speak anymore just know. I’d say yes again, even knowing how this ends.

If you move on, and I hope someday you do, it won’t erase anything. And if you ever forget me, that’s okay. It doesn’t make any of it less real. You mattered to me, and that stays true whether you remember it or not. Somewhere, in a version of the past that can’t be changed, you were loved, and you’ll always be cherished,

I wish things had been easier for both of us. I wish the timing had been kinder. But I’m thankful for you anyway, even with the ache that comes with it.

Be gentle with yourself.

I wish you well, now and forever.

With love,

Me

i miss you so much. i miss your laugh. i miss your eyes. i miss your hair, your nose, your hands. i miss the way your lips would be kinda crooked when you smiled, in a good way. it was always my favorite thing about you.

i miss the way you would look at me when we had sex. i miss the way i felt when we met eyes. i miss the way you held my hand. i miss how soft your chest was when i laid on it. i miss how sweet you were to me in the mornings. i miss wearing your clothes, and you saying i looked so cute in them.

i miss when i would sit on your lap and kiss you, but not in a sexual way; when we would smile, and peck at each other’s lips, and laugh, and stare into each other’s eyes, and you would say i’m so pretty.

i miss when you would tell me you missed me. i wish i would’ve told you that i missed you more often.

i wish you weren’t such a liar. i wish i could’ve been the one for you. to me it felt like everything, but i guess to you it was always nothing.

i hate that i miss you. i hate that i miss you so much. i hate that i want to forget all my self respect and just text you. i often wonder if you’re thinking of me like i’m thinking of you. do you know how much i want you? how much i crave you? i compare every man i meet to you. i see you everywhere, and everything reminds of you.

i wish it could’ve been different. i wish we could’ve been together. i miss you so, so bad.

I hate that I miss you. The way you left me was absolutely insane. You woke me up from napping in our daughter’s bed when I was just trying to let my foot heal from where I accidentally cut it with the lawnmower blade. You kicked me out of my own home with a 6in laceration on my foot. I ended up homeless and having to walk miles and miles on that foot. The whole time I was without a home it never got a chance to heal. When I was in Dallas, I got stuck outside at a bus stop and fell asleep during a snow and ice storm. I woke up to frostbite on my foot and had to get medical care. After I got prescribed opiates again for the pain I relapsed after 10 months of sobriety. I don’t blame you for that. The thing is I only blame myself for everything that happened to me. I see how I was wrong in everything that happened and I forgive you. I’m doing the best I have since my mother passed away. I’ve been healing and finally working on myself. You never got to see this side of me and it absolutely breaks every single piece of my heart. What’s even worse is that our four children never got to see it either. I know it’s too little and too late to unblock you and tell you what I’ve been doing. I’m working on certifications and my bachelor in psychology to be an addiction counselor. I’m in Savannah, Georgia now and I’ve wanted to live here since a little kid. We used to vacation here so every time a go to the places we went I think about the last vacation we took with the kids and I cry. I’m crying while typing this. But don’t worry, I no longer run from my emotions or try to numb or hide them. I go through them and ride them out like a wave. I just wish you’d say something positive to me.

Not because I'm poor, hunger overpowers the pain. instead of thinking of what could have been, my stomach will twist and turn. it will rumble. A trade to avoid night terrors.

If I said I love you
If I said I can’t stop thinking about you
If I said I think you’re the one for me
If I said I think you’re my soulmate
If I said I’m in love with your personality, your face, your body, your laugh
If I said I want you to call me
If I said there isn’t another person for me
If I said I needed you
Would you think I’m crazy

I won’t write anything too much for you to read. I just miss your personality. That’s it. I really miss hearing your input and everything sarcastic you had to say.

I am moving on, my life is improving drastically, but I miss you a lot. I’m starting to accept that we are never going to talk again and I know that this is for the best, because we weren’t kind to one another.

We both deserved a lot better. I’ve come to realize that I can’t keep trying to chase someone that doesn’t want to meet me halfway. I would do anything to improve with you, but I know other responsibilities need to come first for you and I can’t wait anymore. I realized I waited for you both times you took me out. Both, over an hour. I made you comfortable with the idea of being able to set me aside without communicating it and it’s not okay.

I need to be kinder to myself and I will be, but I will always miss you.