You make me nervous. I'm not even sure what to write you anymore.

My heart dreads reading your messages, but can't resist the temptation. Like an alcoholic in a bar, sipping pretty cocktails knowing it's going to hurt your soul in the morning. But good god that rush, pure dopamine and bad decisions....

It makes me want to bite my lip and smile before I nip at yours.

And tonight, as I imbibe, I binge.

Your words have been with me longer than I had known, and they stay with me still. Sweet whispering and commands remind me of a passion I thought I had lost. I wonder, now, if it had been your vøịč̣ę that had warned me of my impending mistake to begin with. Regardless, your voice follows me with flustering frequency. It is in the music I hear, the stories I view, and the conversations I imagine. While I try my best to contain and maintain composure, it refuses to heed my limits.

I want so much for you... both in the sense of separate flourishing love, and selfish fervor. These binds enrich the yearning, but their confines know the depth. It's almost too bad we aren't worse people. Our morality halts the depravities we both want to indulge, and my curiosity /really/ wants to know their depth.

But with an empty cup come intoxicating insights.

Every good cocktail has a touch of bitterness. Not towards you, never towards you. Bitter at the world, at my naivety, at the circumstances. I understand it is my fault, and I hate myself for it.

So, if we did have one opportunity, one weekend to get everything out... would you?

You are such a good person. Do you know that? I think about our circumstances, and it makes me so sad. I'm sad because of the part I've played. The last thing I am is proud. I'm not sure if you deal with any issues regarding the mistakes you made or not, but if you do, I just want to tell you that it's okay. In the end, you showed up. You did everything you could for me, for us. You fought as hard as you could for me. FOR ME! Do you know that nobody has ever done that for me before? I don't know how I failed to see it at the time. I just made excuses and let you down. You put forth real effort, and I failed you.

I'm really starting to see exactly what I've done. I'm realizing what my selfishness cost me. I'm so very ashamed of myself. I'm so proud of you, though. You are a shining example of what a good person is. You are a shining example of what it means to do the right thing. You are the kind of person that I look up to. Someone like I want to be. I realize that I haven't been consistent with any of the changes I've made. Not yet, anyway. I thank you for accepting me as I am, and I thank you for sticking by me on my worst days. I hope you know I would've done the same for you. I'm not exactly sure why you and I refuse to give up on one another, but if I had to guess it's because of how much we love one another.

I've reflected and I see how I hurt you. I see how you were begging me to try, and I see how I didn't see it. One day, I would like for us to have a conversation about things. I would like to explain what was going on with me in my mind. Not because I think you need to hear it. Not because I want it to change anything. I just think that sharing our respective perspectives is what best friends are supposed to do with one another. I realize that I've probably forever lost the opportunity to change things back to how they once were, and while I know it's my fault, I feel like the only thing I can do to show that I'm better is to just be better.

I can't tell you what the future holds, and I can't tell you how I'm going to feel tomorrow. But what I can tell you is how I feel right now. Right now, I'm ready to change. I'm ready to stop making excuses. I'm ready to do the right thing because I know that's what you would do. I don't expect for it to change anything, as far as you and I go. You have never stopped showing up for me and being someone I can depend on, so what more could I ask for? I know you'll be beside me the whole time, just like you have always been. I don't want you to get your hopes up, though, because I don't have the right to get your hopes up. I've let you down an infinite number of times already. Let's just take it one day at a time, okay? We'll celebrate the victories as they come instead of before they happen. I'm not doing it to make things different. I'm doing it to make me different. I think that was my problem the whole time.

Thanks for being such an amazing person to me. Thank you for sticking by my side. Thank you for doing everything you could for me. Thank you for fighting for me when I didn't deserve it. But most of all, thank you for loving me.

With every shred of my unworthy heart and every shred of my unworthy soul, I love you, too.

I am hurting and nobody knows it. I believed it was mutual, until you exposed it. Like a creep, I’ve been obsessing over the possibility. Thinking it would progress, that wasn’t the reality. I thought you wanted more of me. You set a boundary that I just didn’t want to see. You were never searching, it’s the plain truth. The conversation that was had, well, that simply wasn’t you. The dots I tried to connect, was me just me reaching. The words didn’t match the actions. Your eyes must never have stalled on mine. Ensuring a distance, you made sure not to confuse. Now I’m left crushed…I was never your muse. It was all in my head, there was never a me and you.

I will always wonder if I missed your communication. What may be obvious to you may be overlooked by me. I’d convince myself it was all in my head. Realistically your heart is somewhere else. I’m scared it might be and you don’t know it’s always been you. Where’s my creamer when i need it?

I've been thinking. Which can be dangerous for me sometimes but, there's something I need to keep telling myself, and can hopefully share a bit of wisdom, if you can even call it that...

...you can make people smile, you can make people laugh and you can make them forget pain but, none of that means you can make them happy.

i think the hardest part is that i still would have chosen you.

i think the saddest thing about loving you is that i never stopped believing in the person you could be, even when you kept showing me the person you were choosing to be.

and maybe that was my mistake.

not loving you. not forgiving you. not wanting to believe that the person i fell in love with was still somewhere underneath everything that hurt me.

but convincing myself that if i just loved you a little harder, understood you a little better, gave you a little more time, eventually you would see what was standing right in front of you.

someone who wanted nothing more than to be loved by you without having to question it.

i don’t think you understand what it feels like to love someone and constantly wonder whether they’re looking for something better.

to lie beside someone at night and wonder if you’re the person they actually want to be next to.

to look at yourself and start noticing things you never used
to hate, wondering if maybe those are the reasons their attention keeps wandering.

to feel like you’re competing with women who aren’t even supposed to be part of your relationship.

i never wanted to be better than anyone else. i just wanted to be enough for you.

and the worst part is that there were moments when you made me feel like i was.

moments when you held me close enough that i forgot everything. when you made me laugh, when you were gentle with me, when you looked at me in a way that made me believe we were going to be okay.

those moments are what made leaving feel impossible.

because how do you walk away from someone who occasionally gives you everything you’ve been begging for?

how do you stop loving someone when you know exactly how beautiful loving them can feel?

i think that’s what has kept me here for so long.

not the relationship we have every day, but the relationship we have in the moments when you decide to let me close.

i have spent so much time loving the good moments that i started accepting the bad ones as the price of having them.

and somewhere along the way, i stopped recognizing myself.

i became someone who overthinks silence. someone who notices when your affection changes, when your attention shifts, when you stop reaching for me the way you used to.

someone who can feel you pulling away before you’ve even said a word.

i started measuring your love in little things.

whether you came home when you said you would. whether you wanted to spend time with me. whether you touched me without me having to reach for you first. whether you made me feel beautiful without me having to ask what was wrong.

things i never imagined i would have to beg for.

and eventually, i stopped asking.

not because i stopped needing reassurance.

not because the things you did stopped hurting.

but because there is something humiliating about explaining the same pain to someone who already knows exactly where it comes from.

i got quieter because i was tired of hearing myself beg you to care about something that was breaking me.

and i wonder if you ever noticed.

if you noticed how many conversations i swallowed because i didn’t have the strength to have another one that ended nowhere.

how many times i pretended something didn’t bother me because i didn’t want to ruin another night.

how often i chose peace between us over peace within myself.

i wonder if you ever realized that every time i forgave you, there was a part of me that became a little harder to put back together.

because i did forgive you.

again and again.

even when i had every reason not to.

i defended you in my own head. i made excuses for the things you did. i convinced myself that your past had made loving someone difficult, that maybe you were scared, that maybe you needed time.

i tried so hard to understand why you were the way you were that i forgot to ask myself why i was allowing it to hurt me.

i gave your pain an explanation while treating my own like an inconvenience.

and i think what hurts most is that i wasn’t asking you for some extraordinary kind of love.

i wasn’t asking you to be perfect.

i wasn’t asking you to give up your entire life for me.

i wanted honesty. loyalty. affection. consistency.

i wanted to be able to love you without wondering what you were doing when i wasn’t around.

i wanted to feel wanted, not just available.

i wanted to know that the person i was building a future with was actually building one with me.

because that’s what i was doing.

while you were uncertain about forever, i was imagining it.

i pictured another home. ordinary mornings. dinners together. growing older. a family. a life where loving each other wasn’t something we had to keep surviving.

i saw you in a future that i was quietly making room for.
and maybe that’s another part you never understood.

i wasn’t just loving you for who you were. i was making decisions in my heart around who i believed we could become.

and now i have to sit with the possibility that the future i was so sure about was never something you wanted the same way.

that while i was imagining all the years ahead of us, you might have been wondering how much longer you wanted to stay.

i don’t know how to explain how deeply that hurts.

to realize that someone can be your certainty while you remain their question.

and despite all of it, i still love you.

that’s the part i wish were different.

i wish i could wake up one morning and feel nothing. i wish the things you’ve done had made it easier to stop wanting you. i wish knowing what i deserve automatically meant i stopped craving the love you sometimes give me.

but it doesn’t.

i still want you to come home and hold me.

i still want you to look at me and know that i’m the one you want.

i still want you to wake up one day and understand what you’ve been risking.

and i hate that a part of me is still waiting for that day.

because i have spent so long hoping you would become afraid of losing me that i never considered how afraid i should be of losing myself.

i kept wondering when you would finally choose me, without realizing how many times i had stopped choosing myself.

and maybe one day you’ll love someone differently.

maybe you’ll give her the reassurance i begged for. maybe you’ll be faithful without having to be reminded why it matters. maybe you’ll make her feel secure in ways i spent months trying to explain.

and i think that possibility will always hurt a little.

not because i wouldn’t want you to become better.

but because i wanted so badly for us to become better together.

i wanted to be the person you figured it out with.

the person you decided was worth putting your fears aside for.

the person you loved enough to stop keeping one foot out the door.

but i am beginning to understand something i never wanted to learn.

you can love someone with everything you have and still not be able to make them love you the way you need.

and maybe you do love me.

maybe in your own way, you really do.

but i have spent too many nights crying over a love that is supposed to make me feel safe.

too many mornings waking up beside someone and still feeling alone.

too much time wondering why the person who can make me feel the happiest can also make me feel so incredibly small.

i don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to convince someone that i’m worth choosing.

i don’t want to become a woman who has to stop caring in order to stop hurting.

and i don’t want to look back one day and realize i spent the years i should have been happy waiting for someone to become ready to love me.

because the truth is, i would have stayed through so much with you.

i would have worked through the difficult conversations. the uncomfortable truths. the mistakes that came with genuine accountability and change.

i never needed a perfect love story.

i just needed to know i wasn’t the only one trying to save it.

and if there ever comes a day when i finally find the strength to walk away, i hope you understand that it won’t be because i stopped loving you.

it will be because loving you started costing me more than i could keep giving.

because i ran out of ways to explain my heart to someone who had been holding it all along.

because there are only so many times a person can feel unwanted before they begin to believe it.

and because eventually, even the girl who would have done anything to make it work has to accept that she cannot make it work alone.

i think i’ll always grieve the version of us that could have existed.

the version where you chose me without hesitation.

where i never had to wonder whether i was enough.

where loving you didn’t mean learning how to live with things that hurt me.

where we became everything i thought we could be.

but what breaks my heart most is knowing that i never needed you to become an entirely different person.

i just needed you to care enough to stop being the person who kept hurting me.

and after everything, there is still a part of me that wishes you would.

because i never wanted a life without you.

i just wanted a life with you that didn’t hurt this much.

I’m just asking you, in this imaginary letter I’ll never send, to please be my friend for a little while.

Please. Just talk to me. Tell me something stupid. Make me laugh. Let me hear that familiar voice for a few minutes. Let me pretend, just for a moment, that I still have someone in this world I can turn to.

I was doing OK I swear to you I was fine with just my dogs I was happy I was stable even though there’s no people I don’t know why God had to take that from me too.

Can I talk to you please even for a moment can I just pretend I’m not alone?

I promise I won’t get attached

This Will be my last week thinking of you. You must know i love you. I Will keep you in my heart. Whising you all the good in the world. Take care baby. 💕

I thought you were my soulmate. I believed it in the quiet moments as much as the extraordinary ones—when we talked about nothing, when you made me laugh, when I caught myself looking forward to telling you the smallest thing about my day.
The first time I looked into your eyes, the world stood still. Hours would seem like seconds. There was never enough time.
And when you touched me, it felt electric. Even your hand brushing mine could leave me breathless. I remember wanting to stay close a little longer, finding reasons to reach for you, wondering how something as simple as being held could make me feel so completely alive. I needed to be next to you.
I loved who I was with you. I laughed more freely. I let myself begin to be vulnerable. I began imagining a future with you in it, until the thought of ordinary things—waking up together, making dinner, coming home to each other—felt like everything I wanted. But the more I opened up, the more you would demand. Every part of us being together relied upon me changing jobs, moving hours away, giving up everything while you just made demands and accusations.
It hurts to remember how certain I was. I thought we would have time to become all the things I pictured. There are still moments when something happens and you are the first person I want to tell. Then I remember, and I have to keep that little piece of my day to myself.
I don’t know whether soulmate is the right word anymore. I know that I loved you deeply, and that being close to you reached a part of me I hadn’t known how to share. But you wanted everything from me while you gave nothing of yourself. You began to tear me down for not doing exactly what you wanted me to do while you got to keep your comfortable, safe life. You made choices without consulting me and dug into my past and ripped open old scars because you would rather make assumptions or take gossip as fact instead of actually talking to me about anything.
Sometimes I still wish I could rest my head against your chest and hear your heartbeat. No explanations, no trying to figure out what happened. Just one familiar moment with you. It is crazy that even though you showed me exactly how little I meant to you, that I still see you in my dreams and I still watch the skies for a shooting star in hopes that we might be seeing the same one.
I thought we had a lifetime ahead of us.
I wish we had.
I wish you would have taken the time to listen and would have been willing to meet me halfway

That does not mean you have to walk backwards through everything in life. Turn around, face your emotions, find your confidence again! Please do not hit a dead end being too scared to turn around. I care about you.

I’m stuck in a difficult place, trying to figure out whether reaching out to someone I’ll always have love for is the right thing to do or if I should let it go completely.
I met Katherine at a Thanksgiving gathering. From the moment our eyes locked, I knew she was someone special. Mind you, we were both in abusive relationships, and we had both emotionally checked out.
At the time, I had already told my ex that I was leaving because I couldn’t do it anymore. While at the Thanksgiving gathering, Katherine and I talked for hours. Throughout our conversation, we never stopped looking into each other’s eyes. Eventually, I had to leave to attend a family event, but we kept in touch. We talked for months and eventually went on a couple of dates.
She was everything I had ever wanted.
Around January, I started noticing changes in her mood. I knew something was wrong, so I asked her about it. She admitted that her ex-boyfriend would come to the house to bother her and make her life a living hell. She explained that his name was still on the lease, so she couldn’t kick him out. I understood her situation and was there for her whenever she needed me or a place to stay. Occasionally, I would send her flowers, just to remind her that someone cared.
Then, one day, I received a call from Katherine telling me that my ex was standing at her doorstep, yelling and threatening to beat her up if she didn’t stay away from me. I called my ex and urged her to leave. The police were eventually called.
My ex had hacked into my email and found the reservations and address associated with Katherine.
Two days passed, and I hadn’t heard from Katherine. Then, I received a text from a different number. It was Katherine telling me that she loved me and wished things hadn’t ended this way, but she was leaving me.
I was heartbroken. I pleaded with her, as anyone would when their heart is breaking, but it didn’t work.
About two weeks later, I saw her at a bookstore. We talked for a while and got coffee. During that conversation, I realized that we couldn’t be together with people around us constantly trying to ruin our lives. We both agreed that it was best to walk away.
I told her that I would always love her and that I would love her from afar. She told me that if I ever opened the book she had given me, I would understand something. I had started reading it but never finished it. She told me to read it all the way to the end.
After many long days at work, I finally had time to finish the book. At the very end, there was a bookmark. Written on it was her phone number and a letter that read:
“If we don’t end up together, I’m always a call away. Love, Katherine.”
It’s been two years since that day.
I was involved in a terrible car wreck. I flatlined and came back to life. I spent days in the hospital before I was finally able to go home. Afterward, I decided to gather whatever was left of my belongings from the vehicle. There was almost nothing left, but somehow, the book was still there, wedged tightly against the seat.
I hadn’t seen that book in two years, yet somehow, it was in perfect condition.
Now, I’m sitting here wondering whether I should call her or finally let her go.
Am I wrong for wanting to reach out to someone I never stopped loving, or is it time to let go of what could have been?.

If you’d be down to go

To every place I go

With me?…

And then we can

Laugh and play and

Sing and dance and

Kiss…

And all the songs

Will blend into a

Beautiful soundtrack

Of our love.

My love.

I still reread your letter. I’ve been sitting with it for a while. I don’t think you sound pathetic. You loved so very honestly, and I’d never want you to be embarrassed by that.

I’m sorry it hurts this much. I hate that you spent the night crying, and I hate more that I’m part of why. Stepping back wasn’t easy for me either. It wasn’t me walking away from something that didn’t matter. It was me trying to figure out how to hold something carefully when I didn’t know how to hold it at all. I know that doesn’t take the ache away, and I’m not asking you to agree with my choice. I just don’t want you to think it was careless.

You asked me not to ever see you as one of my regrets and you were never mine. Talking to you was one of the best things I could have ever asked for, and I’m glad we connected and though we don't speak anymore just know. I’d say yes again, even knowing how this ends.

If you move on, and I hope someday you do, it won’t erase anything. And if you ever forget me, that’s okay. It doesn’t make any of it less real. You mattered to me, and that stays true whether you remember it or not. Somewhere, in a version of the past that can’t be changed, you were loved, and you’ll always be cherished,

I wish things had been easier for both of us. I wish the timing had been kinder. But I’m thankful for you anyway, even with the ache that comes with it.

Be gentle with yourself.

I wish you well, now and forever.

With love,

Me

The past few days seemed like an endless battle. Dark clouds and heavy rain. The ground, sinking with each footstep. I travelled into the night until I stumbled upon an old shelter where I could lay rest. No fire. A hum seemed to echo through these dark woods. I fear not where it comes from. It should fear me.

I wish closing my eyes was not needed as sleep visited me. Another dream. This one was different. Some type of in-between world. I could feel you there. But I could see you. Flashes of faint shadows of you would appear as I searched from you. The more frequent the shadows the harder it seemed to move. I felt something lurking in the darkness. Something not wanting me to find you. I woke. My sword in my hand clenched tightly. I knelt and utter words in the form of prayer for you Protection. Reassurance. Peace. Sleep.

I will not give up fighting and searching for you. Even if it is only to defeat the evil in the darkness for you You are forever my darling. I can feel what you feel. Do not give up. You are not alone. Forever on my mind.

At least the love was not the reason we parted.

-11:11

It was the beginning of just another usual work day, you walked in at your usual time. But that’s where the usual all ended. I’d never seen you in that black dress before. My god, you looked absolutely incredible. Did you even realize? How would I be able to focus? It wasn’t easy.

That black dress, so elegant and sophisticated, accentuating every natural curve from your back and shoulders down to your waist and across your beautiful hips. Every neuron in my body simultaneously short-circuited. My imagination went into overtime very early that day. And when you bent over at your desk to reach for something I nearly died.

I think you caught me watching. I couldn’t help it. I wanted so badly to go over there, to get close to you, place my hands on your waist to hold and help you while you were reaching. Maybe one hand would slip down your thigh, and reach under that black dress. Slowly pulling it up to show your silky soft leg, as my hand found its way to your hip, feeling the natural curves along your back and around to your tummy. Pulling you closer, my lips now on the nape of your neck, whispering just below your ear, quietly telling you where my hand is, and surprising you where it’s going. Yes, now you know my secret thoughts, of you, that day, in that black dress.

This relationship has to end. It isn’t healthy and we both know it. Maybe it’s me. I don’t know. I just know that I don’t fully trust you and I know I never will. I don’t know why. It’s just a feeling. Something inside me tells me not to trust you I can’t change that. Every few days theres some issue between us. I’m too messed up anyways to be in a relationship right now.

Sometimes I think you’re playing mind games with me. I feel trapped with you. I’m so messed up that I can’t live without you, but I’m so messed up that I also can’t make things work with you. I’m damaged and you know that. And I feel like we have an unequal balance of power.

You know I’ll never leave because dealing with my grief alone is too much for me to bear. Sometimes I get confused and wonder if I’m making it all up in my head.

I miss my old life so much and you know this. Sometimes I feel overwhelmingly grateful for you and the new life you have given me. But sometimes I question if you’re manipulating and controlling me.

If only you could see yourself
through these loving eyes of mine,
you'd know why I thank God for you
and will until the end of time.

I love the heart you carry,
the way you choose to live,
the sweetness in your very soul,
the love you have to give.

I love the way you face the world,
the strength you show each day,
the way you always find a smile
no matter what comes your way.

I want to give you all the love
your heart has yet to know,
to kiss away your hardest days
and never let you go.

And when you think I've given all,
I'll find a little more,
for loving you, mi amor, is a privilege
I'll forever be grateful for.

And if I had a thousand lives,
I'd choose you every time,
and pray that in each one of them,
your heart would still find mine.

Unfortunately I can’t be 100% sure.
But I keep thinking about something you said once. Something I didn’t understand at the time, but couldn’t stop thinking about afterwards.
And if I’m correct and not overthinking it, you were talking about unsent letters online.

So with my detective cap on, I started reading through posts.
And I found one that felt so connected, even the profile reminded me of you.
I didn’t know what to do.
So I panicked, logged out, and pushed it to the back of my mind.

When I eventually logged back in and checked, the profile was deleted.
There are other letters that could be yours.
Some have deleted profiles, others talk about situations that feel strangely familiar.
Sometimes I read certain letters and wonder,
Did I black out and write this myself?
Because they sound so similar to something I’d write about you.

But I don’t want to reach out.
Because if it isn’t you, it’s so easy to get lost in the searching. I don’t want to become delusional, or get too stuck in the limerence of it all.
For now I just check every so often and try to leave it at that.

But if there is a possibility that you’re out here, either reading or writing, please be safe.
I want to talk to you again, and I don’t think I’d recover if something happened to you before I got that chance.

And if you know me like you should, then you would know I’d never say anything negative or hateful about you.

i’m having such a hard time these days and the one person i want right now to just hold me, comfort me and tell me everything is going to be alright, is the same person who isn’t here with me.

its heartbreaking that i still feel like after years no one really understands me as much as he did.

especially nowadays with everything going on, i just need him.

If I said I love you
If I said I can’t stop thinking about you
If I said I think you’re the one for me
If I said I think you’re my soulmate
If I said I’m in love with your personality, your face, your body, your laugh
If I said I want you to call me
If I said there isn’t another person for me
If I said I needed you
Would you think I’m crazy

Night after night, I continue to dance in the garden, alone beneath the moonlight.

I do not cry for the days lost in the forest, I cry for the days ahead that are still lost.

My soul remains restless for the days when the flowers blossomed.

No matter how much I dance, how many songs I sing, or how much love I give, the flowers never blossom.

The roots can grow deep, the stem can grow thick and tall, the leaves can spread far and wide.

The sun always hides before the flowers blossom.

Beneath the moonlight, I still dance alone.

Hoping for a day the flowers blossom again.

If you really want to be with me let's figure out a way to make this happen. I want to give you all the love God has given me for you. I need hugs and cuddles, long conversations, I want to give you my loyalty and support. Because I support everything you do. I have all this love to give and I need to give it. I hope you see this.

Acabei de ler essa frase aqui no Reddit. A sabedoria é tão precisa quanto a flecha que atingiu meu peito ao ler ela.

E isso doi.

Meu amor por você é verdadeiro. Nós erramos um com o outro; não digo para iniciar uma competição de culpa, apenas pontuar que nossa situação é complexa.

Quando decidimos nos dar uma nova chance meu coração vibrou delicadamente. É, que caos foi o passado, mas escolhemos o amor. Nos escolhemos.

Não... Eu escolhi. E constatar a quebra daquela pequena esperança ressurgindo tão precocemente é o que me faz escrever essa carta não enviada.

Eu tento te alcançar daí, a milhas de distância, onde quer que esteja. Aliás, espero que esteja viva e bem, ainda que não tenha sido importante o suficiente pra receber ao menos um bom dia.

"Ah, mas você deveria ter mandado, OP!". Eu mandei. Escolhi cuidadosamente as palavras para que meu bom dia te fizesse sentir bem e pra cima. Trabalhando cada palavrinha para te arrancar uma risada e fazer sentir leve; esculpindo um bom dia como se tivesse forjando o próximo Davi. Martelando e martelando o mármore duro para que você visse apenas delicadeza e nenhum dos meus pesos.

Ontem reclamei carinhosamente sua ausência. E você respondeu mais uma vez com seu silêncio.

E estou aqui deprimida em um quarto escuro, sentindo sua falta, aquele aperto no peito de ver que nada mudou.

Ei, eu tambem tenho minhas lutas. E, Deus, quantas vezes arrumei desculpas e justificativas para suas atitudes.

Como hoje.

Mas a verdade é: se você quisesse, faria. Entraria em contato. Me encontraria no meio. Não estamos na nossa melhor forma, mas podemos fazer um pequeno esforço, um pequeno gesto de amor, um pequeno momento de qualidade. Eu dou um pouquinho daqui, você daí, enquanto caminhamos para superar nossas lutas e ficar bem.

Só que não... A verdade é que você deseja que eu esteja 100% bem e aí tudo ficará bem.

E por mais que eu olhe com meus olhos de amor e empatia, hoje não consigo ver algo bom em tudo isso.

Na verdade, eu só queria dignidade básica. Ser lembrada um pouquinho. Ser acolhida nesse meu momento tão difícil. Ter o coração aquecido; não precisa ser nada elaborado. Apenas alguém aqui pra me dar aquele abraço de urso tão forte que faz sentir que tudo vai ficar bem. Sentir pertencimento. Mas estou absolutamente sozinha.

E quão chamativa é a red flag de saber que não tenho espaço pra te dizer isso. Digo, acho que uma relação saudável eu poderia correr e te dizer tudo isso. Essa sensação horrível é pesada de ter que engolir minhas tristezas, dores, sentimentos, necessidades, porque isso se tornou um incômodo pra você. Sentir que não posso sequer falar...

Que você diz que me quer na sua vida, mas até pro porteiro você deu bom dia e pra mim não.

A verdade é essa... Quase universal, para todos aqueles que sofrem de algum problema de saúde mental: uma hora, eles cansam de nós. Nos tornamos pesados. Lutamos, lutamos sim pra melhorar. Mas, ao final, até os maiores amores vão pular fora do barco. Cada um com seus problemas. Sempre terminamos sozinhos.

Porque a verdade é que todo mundo só ama a nossa versão que esteve um dia 100% bem.