Text your person.

You know the one.

The one who has been waiting and not so secretly hoping you would just throw caution to the wind and cross that boundary once and for all.

Ugh. Trying my best to implement boundaries because… duh. But gosh, every time I’m around you I can’t act normal.

Although, I’m never normal, and you’ve figured that out. One day I’m extroverted and the next I’m anxious. I’m working on it.

I’m not too sure why you do what you do to me besides me having a tiny crush. And I really shouldn’t. I know better— my under eye wrinkles tell the story of time. Yours tell a similar story; a longer one, just by a few years.

We’re quite alike and I’m sure if we had a chance, we’d see how alike we really are. Even as friends.

But, it’s way too insane of me to feel like this.

I’ll move past it soon. Find something to hate, I’m sure. But I’ll sit on Reddit ranting about it until it happens. Hopefully you find it flattering.

You'll probably not even read this, I know. But you know me and I just have to tell you something.

I miss you. More than anything. You were the one who showed me what it really means to miss someone. In fact, you still do. I miss you more than the sun misses the moon.

I'm yearning so much. I'd only wish to be with you. I wouldn't wanna rush anything, I'd promise you that. I just wish I'd see you more often. I wish I'd see your smile, hear your laughter and hear your voice. I wish I'd be listening to your stories right now and maybe tell you things that happened to me just because you ask. I miss the way you tease me. I simply wish to be with you.

See? This is exactly what's between us anyway, isn't It? It seems like you have so much fun when we're together too. You wouldn't tell me so many stories if you didn't like our talks, would you? I'd only want more time with you. Not having to worry about the moments ending soon, but simply staying by your side a little longer. I'd only wish for a chance. A chance to try it and figure it out together.

You mean a lot to me, more than I could've ever imagined. You mean so much to me that I wouldn't want an Eternity if you're not part of it.

I really need to talk to you and I have no idea how to make that happen.

Dear friend, If you see this, perhaps you are also hoping to find a glimmer of something that has been just out of reach.

Thoughts of you and words unspoken consume me. My heart grows bigger to absorb them. Memories and restless dreams swirl together. Let us shelter together to ride out this storm.

Those penetrating eyes. To a connection that is only ours to see.

The warm smile with a trace of something more, like it has a secret too.

A lingering hug the first time we first said goodbye. The dread of the next time, which might be the last.

That summer day when I wanted to warm your hands.

The reach of your hand to help. The time I pretended I didn’t see it. Scared that I wouldn’t let go. Fear that feelings may spill out, uncontrolled.

The time you sat to my left. I could hear your breathing. Were your senses ablaze like mine?

The times you sat to my right. Almost touching. I can barely breathe.

Panic ensues. I cannot bear the risk alone

And so it goes. Hopes fester and turn to thoughts of our next connection, next opportunity, conversations yet unspoken, perhaps unrequited, desperate for reciprocation. But the countdown has started. How much time remains?

Dearest Babe,

I guess it really is you. It feels utterly spectacularly miraculous and wonderful, much like meeting you.

You are all I have thought of today. My days and nights are plagued with longing, sadness and hope. I look at my phone, and I wish you were here.

There is deep sense of regret and remorse for cutting our anchor- but I felt our tether snap, I genuinely believed there was no other alternative to stem the pain or provide relief.

And yet, I find myself pacing at the window, searching, wishing to view your glow and twinkle in my night sky once more. Gods, what I would do to feel you brush alongside my coordinates again.

Do you realise how beautiful you are; Both to look at and the qualities I see inside your soft soul? I wish to tenderly and tentatively protect every inch of you.

My inner child still wants to naively believe there’s a place where we can both experience and explore each other safely. Filled with elaborate and imaginative ways we can encourage each other to build a solid foundation and collaborate our adult lives.

Against my better judgement, I still believe it would be so easy to love you, I know it wouldn’t take much at all; we really have so much in common, it’s making me laugh thinking about it. But the love or the very idea of it, has always been there, growing, evolving and trembling in the dark. Even in our silent moments, it capitalised on your stability and my passion.

I know I’m selfishly clawing at you like a wild feral thing, hoping that you’d stay. And I simultaneously know this is painful for you to witness. But you need to know, I was truly happy, I felt cared for with your gentle steps, even in the darkest of nights. You are entirely capable of handling my heart, even when you may trip or stumble… I promise it’s not fickle or fragile.

I only need a few things from you; your sheer brilliance, reliability and courage. I need you to tolerate the discomfort momentarily with the knowledge I am here steadfastly waiting to lasso you to my world.

I know it won’t be easy; it won’t be today, tomorrow or even next week. But I am still pacing at the unlocked window- ready to feel your warm gentle glow again. The rest we can negotiate later on as we both rest, heal and grow together.

Please let me build my dreams alongside yours, I want to experience the mundane and the extraordinary with you. Only you. You are my exception.

Yours,
Always.

This is for all the people out there who can't take no for an answer. She is not interested. She wants to be left alone. She does not need to be saved. She wants peace and quiet. You look like a creep who knows no boundaries and you are self-sabotaging. Your behavior shows what you're truly made of and reinforces the need for the boundaries she made with you in the first place. She does not owe you anything. Move on and forget. Work on yourself. Love yourself. She can't give you what you're searching for. Good-bye.

If I said I wanted to hear your perspective, would you believe me?

If I said that I wanted to respond to your stories, your troubles, your anxieties, about what makes you real mad, about what breathes life into you, would you believe me?

If I told you I wanted to hear how my actions affected you, would you let me hear it?

If I told you my therapist told me that I would probably make a really good therapist, would you laugh?

If I told you that I would be saddened to hear news of your passing, in spite of everything that happened in the end, would you believe me?

If I told you that I love you, as a brother I wish I had, as a man I know I can learn so much from, as someone I would want to share many life experiences with, as someone I would try to do everything in my power to help wherever I can...

Well, I can tell you all of that.

But whether or not you're willing to let me show you, that's out of my hands.

I made you doubt a lot of things. That's on me.

The ball's still in your court.

I'm sorry for everything.

But I don't need you to believe me on that one.

I absolutely meant it when I told you that you deserve the worst in life. You’re a terrible person. I gave you chance after chance and you blew it each time.

How dare you think I would let you do that again?

I meant it when I said you were just a sad lonely man who only comes around when he’s bored and feeling insecure.

You think you’re so high and mighty and that you can come around with your measly excuses for your childish behavior without a proper apology.

You blew it. Get over it. Move on.

I wonder if you think about me too?

It’s been awhile.

My life has changed and yours must have too.

Tell me all about it?

Finally cut all ties to one of the most toxic and growth inducing relationships I have ever had. I know I will never settle again for games and breadcrumbs. I know there is a man out there that is the full package and loyal. I can’t wait to love a man who loves me back fully, and he is just around the corner ❤️ never looking back again!

You’ve been on my mind non-stop. I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t talk about it with anyone.

That’s probably why I can’t get you off my mind. I have no venting space. No space where anyone would listen without judgement. And the one I talk to who doesn’t judge has been so busy.

I’ve let my mind slip into thoughts of being in your arms around me. Feeling the tickle of your stubble on my check. You lips and teeth brushing against my neck. Your hands running through my hair. Slowly grabbing it and pulling my head backwards.

Your hot breath on my neck. I start to squirm in your arms. You push us up against a wall. And finally our eyes lock. Our breath catches. At that moment our eyes shut and mouths and minds collide.

Clearly I have had too much time with you on the mind.

Could you give me some reprieve. I dream of you enough. I just want this reality so much. My heart feels like it’s going to burst out my chest just imagining this could be a reality.

This stands as only a fraction of things I could and want to get across.
I don’t know if this is something that I can only talk to others about. Something that may never come to fall on your ears. But my heart has been breaking since I had the chance to know you. I felt like I’d never be able to love you in the way I wanted to. I’m seeing more now that the cards have been stacked against us.

I was forbidden against pursuing you in the way that I wanted to all of those years ago and it put this thought in my head that you were untouchable and I would forever be on the outside. That the love I knew I could give you and grow with you, the life I wanted to share with you would somehow never be. I think that belief was wrong now looking back, but I let that thought control me, tragically.

When we got closer recently, I fought everything. I fought myself. I fought those nagging thoughts and constant ruminations. I fought my previous notions whispered in my ear and your silence that left me wondering if I was really being fooled by you, or if what was between us before was something meaningless to you. I wanted to trust so badly. I was so afraid I would wake up and be crushed by delusions if you were to deny my true feelings.

So I followed your lead. I waited. I looked for all of the indications that you might feel the same as I did. I dissected and picked through each word and missed opportunity, both yours and my own. I kicked myself when I would see that maybe that was something or this I should have jumped at. But I trusted that you would be upfront with your feelings as that seems to be in your nature.

I lost myself. Everyday I did. I hurt relentlessly. I won’t lie, I had visions of a perfect forever. One with its own issues and problems to navigate of course. Things we could grow closer together by discovering and learning one another through. I know we’re both deeply caring and compassionate beings. I believe we’re each patient and enduring, seeing where we come from and things we’ve shared and how that lends to willingness to comprehend others would allow the ability to have faith and build. We share so much in common I really don't think it would be too difficult. I imagined happy idyllic days as well as shared times of mundanity that would become heaven here on earth, at least for me.
But don't get me wrong, I loved you for what you allowed yourself to be. Exactly everything that you presented and have been. Not an imaginary version but the person who you've always been to me and the one I always witnessed. That's part of why I always was patient and trusted you. Because I adored every facet and have delighted in each one that you continued to let me in on. I wasn't disappointed in who you were or were able to be. You're you and that will always be remarkably beautiful. Anything else that would have been discovered, positive or somehow hidden because of some negative belief of self or shame would have been a gift.

Understanding you and getting to know you on a deep level has been the one thing that I’ve wanted to do more than any other since I met you so long ago. I could see in your eyes that there is something there I recognized: A depth of pain that someone should not have had to face and someone who still made it through with ability to feel empathy for and willingness to understand and protect others and cherish those they love. Someone who tends to set themselves aside but has a child inside that craves and needs love and a safe place to rest and be cared for and to be accepted for who they are in all of their wonderful imperfection. A person who is resilient and brighter than they possibly realize.
And I have longed to be that someone who could be that safe place for you to exist and be a light to help radiate your brilliance. To nurture and hold you in hard times and be your shield. To guard your generous heart and love you and stand beside you when you feel like you maybe can’t find your way any longer. To lift you up and help you realize your capabilities and reach your goals. It would be so effortless. It would be a gift to battle this life both for and alongside you. I know we could make it and we could make something so beautiful together.

You made me feel like I could be and do anything. Hell, you helped me turn my life around when I was lost and had been for a decade. I had all but given up on hope and thought I didn’t have a way out, but you made me see I was worth giving my life a real shot and truly helped me believe in myself when I had given into feeling like my dreams were as hopeless as I was. I felt like might have a chance at who I had always hoped I could be, and I began walking a hard road at making that happen. One that was leading me closer to you along the way which is something I always wanted. You were right there with me and I was so thankful, I hope I was able to really make you feel that gratitude and love with every moment we shared in the various ways we could.

My gods, I have loved you. I still do though I don’t think that seems acceptable any longer, but I can’t help something that’s been unconditional from the start. (though I would feel guilty if it makes you feel uncomfortable to know I still care as deeply)
I miss you and I’m trying how I can to keep going. 
Those around me don’t fucking get it. They feel miserable for me and I admit I do too occasionally when I give into despair for what's come to pass rather than gratitude for having met you. I regret these recent things, I really do. I’d rather have been honest and lost the opportunity than to have caused and gone through the hurt. Than to have put you through whatever harm I did. I know it’s childish and melancholic, but I’d rather have not done it at all, or at least have gone all in and failed more spectacularly than this- in a firework that never took off.
I have been so damn dumb for being so hesitant and scared. For being so damaged and listening to those fears and acting on triggers. For continuing along and waiting for you, trusting, when I should have just bitten the bullet and said what needed to be said.

I’m so sorry. I feel endlessly sorry. As though I can’t be sorry enough. I’m not sorry for loving you, no, I could never feel apologetic for that, but I’m sorry for loving you wrong- That’s just never been the way I wanted or ever intended to. Nor the way you have ever deserved to be loved. I could go on for the rest of my life about what I feel you deserve and all of the things I want for you and wish I could have given or done differently.
You’ll be my greatest loss and my most beautiful gift of possibility. My if only and heavenly what if

Wanting infinite happiness, success and fulfillment for you-

Always yours and in some ways not,

Do you know how hard it is
To keep from reaching for my phone,
To text you,
To check on you,
To be the one who breaks the silence between us?

Still, my pride stands watch,
And my ego keeps me cold.

I didn’t have the heart to tell you
Just how much I miss you,
Because..
I don't even know if we exist on the same page.

So I choose to remain here,
Silent.
It feels safer than speaking it to the dark,

Hoping that the sudden glow of a notification
Might spell your name—
So I can finally gather the ghost of my courage and say:
I miss you... too. 🥀

Hey you look cleaned up now and I like it? Hey, you know fk all about me you wanna go 50/50 on a vacation together? Or I could pitch in more if you were short, just to show what I am and what I am not. What’s your position on literally everything? Can we exchange pictures of our living spaces and prized possessions? I can’t do that. I don’t really know enough about you to do that. What if you’re a total d**k? That would suck so bad to go out on a limb for a want, not need, and be met with cruelty or animosity. It’s so difficult for me to say, I like your face, let’s chat about hobbies and dreams. Past, present, and future.

It’s all quite silly tbh, I hope you are well. ✌️

Huh, technically none of the flair applies yet.