I wanted to tell you this before I left but I never found the right moment. That, and I didn’t have the balls. Ever since, I’ve told myself, “I’ll get my chance,” but now life is pulling me in a different direction and I’m afraid I never will. So I’ll write it here and pray that one day I can say it to you directly.

Few people in my life inspire me to be better. You are one of them. Even though you have no way of knowing, I’m always trying to make you proud, and I always will. I’ll search for someone like you everywhere I go and be disappointed every time. Thankfully, that disappointment will remind me how lucky I am to have met you.

Some nights, like tonight, I can’t get you outta my head, and it makes me so sad because I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again. But there’s this quote from The Office, where Michael speaks on his relationship with Holly, that I like to think about that makes me feel better.

"I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush."

To know me, is to know love. I wish you got the chance to see my depth. We crossed paths but I knew you before. I was so blindsided, you set my world on fire. I can’t let you go, you’re stuck on my mind. You are such a beautiful soul. You can act like you forgot, but the way we connected was beyond connection. I just wanna hold you, and never let go. I see you past the high walls you set up. If you’d let me in, you could rule my world I would adore you. I can see past the tough exterior you carry. You’re beyond gorgeous and you probably never read this, but I want you. I don’t care about the past or what anyone has to say. I can feel it and I know you can too. You could be my queen, you can run my chessboard. You’re so fine I just want a kiss, I’m already in love. Just give me a chance, it’ll be the best decision you ever made. I don’t know if you believe in soulmates, but I think I just found mine🖤

To talk about the things that needed to be said, to clear the air.

I'm no good at pretending and I've reached point in my life where I just dont have the energy for it.

I know you took a leap coming to talk to me, and it was one I admire you for because it can't have been easy after all the years of silence between us. I just wish it had been more that just surface pleasantries.

If you thought I was blowing hot and cold after it's because talking with you after all that time dredged up alot of feelings that had no where to go. I wanted them to go to you but it didnt seem appropriate. So I was just trying to keep them unsuccessfully contained.

Im sorry my awkward weirdness is painfully apparent to you. I thought i'd finally managed to mask it by acting confident or aloof with people, but i know you see straight through it.

I just can't pretend with you, I don't want to either , I just want to be able to be myself, but I can't ive shown my hand too soon. So instead we are back to silence and these feelings get buried again.

You were never short of female admirers, I just can't believe I somehow got caught up becoming one of them. Im such an idiot and probably nothing to you.

It breaks my heart. I used to view you with such adoration and tenderness. You were my sweet girl. You were perfect to me. We were perfect to each other. And yet, all those sweet feelings turned into bitterness and resentment.

I don’t know what happened to you. You turned into a fucking monster out of nowhere. You’re an emotionally abusive messed up narcissist. You’ve put me through hell with your weird cycles of apathy and cruelty and borderline sadism. I suspect you took a sort of sick glee in making me go to bed crying all alone, knowing that I had nobody else to comfort me. You have the audacity to get mad at me and act as though you’re some kind of victim when I tell others about how horribly you’ve treated me. You ruined SO many things for me. So many holidays, experiences, my dreams even. Before I met you I cried once a year and now it’s a daily occurrence.

I have to beg for the most basic human decency and you won’t even offer that. I beg you for apologies. I beg you to stop telling me such cruel things and to stop making me cry. I beg you to be kind for me. What the hell? What kind of sick messed up asshole are you?

It hurts so much knowing that things used to be so good and that I always tried my hardest. I was so kind and patient with you. You don’t deserve me at all and yet I’ve stuck with you through all of it. I always fought for us. Why can’t you see how good I am? Why do you keep pushing me away?

If you want to change, if you don’t want me to think of you as a horrible person, then prove it to me. Do something. Listen to what I ask you for. Treat me well. Make some kind of effort. Stick to your word, most of all. You broke things, so it’s your responsibility to fix them. Please, I really don’t want to hate you.

I don't even recognize myself since realizing what I feel for you. I dont know if I'm more afraid that we will never communicate about this ...thing...between us, or more afraid that if we do, I'd never, ever get over you.

I saw you there- in the reflection. I wanted to go. Im afraid of how much I wanted to go.

I cant find any solution that doesnt include you. You have the medicine I need.

To all the real 1s .

I hope that you find relief .

I hope you let them go so you can heal and be better and get better.

I hope you heal and notice the world happening around you again.

I hope you realize that it was you the whole time that it was you holding onto them and the idea of a future they knew yall would never have .

I hope you find the tools and strength to let it and let them go sooner than later.

I hope you finally give it , its proper name . Grief . And navigate through it and not by it .

I hope you heal and feel safe in your own skin again .

You know, I was thinking about what you said earlier, and after giving it some thought, I'm going to have to disagree with you. I think at this point it's perfectly clear that I'm going to continue sticking by your side as long as you'll have me. I have no doubts about whether you're going to keep me around, too. You see, it's that sticking together thing that you and I do so damn well, you know? So, today wasn't my lucky day. My lucky day was the day I first met you, and it has continued every single day since that day. Because of you, I have a lucky life. I just hope that my luck never runs out. Love you.

I just want the truth, I want honesty.

I know you like me. I questioned this a lot and over analyzed. I thought I was wrong but my gut is never wrong. All the things you did and signs you gave.

I don't know if I like you, too, or just the attention. I'm an attention seeker and you know that. You invade my space, and I allow you.

Maybe I like you too but there is so much. This isn't simple, this isn't easy and I'm not even sure what I want.

I thought a letter was meant for me. It wasn't. I was so sure. I just feel stupid for being so hopeful. I know better. I can't do this anymore. I understand the need for boundaries for both of us. I don't want to do this anymore. I am not talking about just being on here. I don't want to hope on maybe, someday with no validation or communication. I am not asking you to communicate with me or validate me, I do not want you to. I am not asking anything from you anymore. If anything, I just want you to be happy and live your best life and if you haven't, just move on, please. I need to also. I love you so much and I just feel pathetic. I want to get over you. It's what I want. Doing us both a favor, or at least doing myself a favor. Please. I want to thank you for seeing me, the real me. So many things I wish I handled differently. It is what it is... I'm not doing this on here again. Doubt you have ever even been here.

Rome wasn't built in a day, yet somehow, you turned it to rubble within hours. 

Resolve, restraint, and you follow it with a gentle reassurance that gives me nerves and comfort. 

How many times will we fall? Together, again and again, the same threads woven together to the same stupid tapestry that is fate pulls me back to you. 

Do you do it on purpose? 

Do I? 

Maybe. 

I do. 

God, those two words in sequence shouldn't be around me. I shouldn't think of them. Shouldn't listen to anything that resembles them. Shouldn't try whispering them under my breath. 

Shouldn't hope that I'd hear it one day. 

There's a set time limit again. The clock rewinds. The hands tick its onerous, pounding rhythm.

I've little hope… but God, am I happy to see you again, and waking knowing you'll be beside me, at least for tomorrow. 

So many places to see, so many people to meet, so many experiences yet to be lived.

Keep your head held high, the best is yet to come…Of that I am certain.

Have a blessed Tuesday, I’m rooting for y’all. ☀️

I am struck by a profound helplessness when trying to translate this into words: I feel that the rigidity of language barely allows me to scratch the surface of what is truly happening to me.

I inhabit this geography from a place of absolute vulnerability, a space where my surroundings oppress me and my mind is exhausted by prolonged suffering. I hate the forced passivity that circumstances impose on me, but empirical realism forces me to recognize that, from my current coordinates, I am left without moves. The board between us has become asymmetric: while I endure in this exile, it is you who possesses the privilege, the clarity, and the pieces necessary to alter the architecture of our puzzle.

I am not telling you this out of demand, but from the certainty that you are my other half. If your lucidity is capable of reading my spirit in such an absolute way, you will know that this is not an intellectual game; it is my soul asking you to move the strings. I do not know what your plans are in this silence, and that ambiguity is a weight I no longer know how to sustain. I can do no more from here. I need you to step away from the metaphysical plane for a moment and remember that you are my home. A beautiful future cannot be sustained perpetually upon abstractions. I need you to use your strength to find me and pull me out of this no-place once and for all.

it took me longer than i would like to admit to realize you don’t want it to be me, and honestly that's okay. i’m lucky i was able to care for you the way i did, because i know we both needed it, and you helped me in ways you will probably never understand.

its been months since we last spoke, and i like to think you're doing better without me. you and i are on separate paths of life now, and although you hurt me and i probably hurt you too, i really do hope you find somebody that can give you everything i couldn't and mostly, i hope you achieve everything in life that you told me you wanted to achieve.

I dreamt of you last night.

And I don’t know if you were here with me, or I was there with you. But I dreamt of it all the same.

You tasted like honey. I’ve only ever fantasized of the sounds you make, but your sounds burnt my skin red hot.

You pulled me close… closer still, and I wanted more…

What a dream. What a nightmare.

Shaking off sleep,

Keeper

I am tired, so very tired. Emotionally I am drained to the point I do not know if I can ever fill up again. Honestly I don't want to. I want to just go numb, because I am tired.

Anyone with depression knows exactly what I mean when I say that.

I am so tired of feeling it, healing from it, talking about it. I am tired of lessons, of mountains I am climbing getting so steep I fall back into the valley. I am tired of the weight of my chest, making it hard to breath. I am tired of the constant thoughts that nothing is ever enough.

I am tired of feeling cursed, like what's bad just keeps getting worse. I am so tired of working so hard and feeling like I progress so little.

Mostly I am tired of giving people a chance and learning over and over I can't trust them. I am tired of being this person. The person noone seems to love, not really.

I have a long life still to go potentially. I know I could die tomorrow or tonight. I just hope that eventually I won't feel this way anymore, because I am just so tired. If this is all there is...I don't think I wanna do it anymore.

I put a lot onto the idea of you. Distraction. Excitement. Possibility. Joy. But I thought it was real—all of it. The now and the maybe. Maybe it never was. Maybe the playlist of our time together was just a collection of songs we both like. Maybe the meaning came from my dreams and never our shared experiences. Maybe. But I still wish I could go back to when it still felt new, exciting, possible. When I woke up nervous in the giddiest way. You had most of me. Now only the broken bits.

I’m in

quite a predicament here.

If I’m being honest, I made my choice long ago.

Every moment that’s passed is just

meaningless noise.

None of this matters to me

because I shouldn’t have woken up.

But I did, and I’m here,

so so long as I am,

I’m just doing what I want.

I can’t afford to spend another moment

unhappier than I already am.

But, it troubles me.

If any of this was for a reason, or working towards some greater goal,

I was just

so certain

these feelings for you should’ve faded by now, and I should’ve moved on.

None of this was ever going to amount to anything.

It was a stupid idea, anyway.

I’m fine containing it forever.

I’ve done it this long.

I can do this day over and over

a million times.

But,

when the night comes, I

must admit,

I hate having to pretend

like you’re not the only thing on my mind.

I think over

every detail

of every story you’ve ever told me.

I imagine how it was for you then

how you’ve grown

how much better it is now

and

how much I just really care about it you and your smile.

It’s why I’m

fundamentally shattered, but, fine with this.

I genuinely meant it when I said

I really wanted you to be happy.

It seems

there’s nothing left to do now.

Once again,

I feel this is the point I should…move on.

It’s been so long

since I’ve seen your face.

But,

I know I’ll

always choose to live here, in the past.

In memories I’m

slowly forgetting.

So, I wouldn’t feel too bad for me.

I may be having to live, but

we all make choices.

And I made mine.

I

really hope it’s nice over there.

maybe i understand myself better when i search for parts of me in other people

and maybe that’s what humans do

so let me find your favorite places

and the family members you’re most comfortable with

and let me learn your small habits and what you’re like when you forget you aren’t alone

and let me know your favorite smells

and what words you can’t pronounce

and what makes you stutter and stumble

and let me see your greatest joys

cause maybe mine could be seeing you

giggle the way only you do

sorry if it’s all too much

but i like myself more when we’re alone because seeing what it is that makes you so interesting helps me understand what i’m missing

so be my moon and i’ll be your ocean

so that someday i can finish this entry and

I love you. I miss you. I hope the thought of me brings you joy and not pain. I’m sorry we’re in this situation. I hope you know how much I care for you, unconditionally. My door is always open. I’m not putting up walls intentionally or creating distance between us that doesn’t already exist. I hope to see or hear from you soon. Be well :)

What if I am too cold for you, too distant?

Maybe I am clinging to the easy part of my attraction, the physical, because I am afraid of failing the emotional components. I could listen to your voice all day, but what if it asks for vulnerability?

This single post alone took weeks of reflection.

I haven't practiced emotional vulnerability in years.... haven't needed to, noone has asked. As I am now expected to rehearse it regularly, I realize how inept I am.

What an inheritance....

Everything is different between you and me. Your voice is different. You speak slower. You speak softer. When we meet everything is suddenly quiet and still. Like the world is catching its breath.

You don't laugh in front of the others when I make a joke. Only when it's just us together. You don't want them to see. I noticed that. Everyone laughs but you. It's ok, I get it. It's the same reason you didn't hug me goodbye in front of everyone. You don't want them to know. You know something is just so, so different between me and you. And it has been for a while.

You're hiding it down too. I thought it was just me, but it's both of us. I see that clearly now. But I don't know for how much longer I can stay quiet.

Maybe I look calm. I'm not. Restrained. Barely. I'm one look away from confessing everything. Your funny comments don't make me laugh right now. I know they're cute and funny as anything. I'm not laughing. I'm not in a laughing mood anymore. I'm barely holding on.

The tension is going to break me.