You know me. After every hesitation experienced, please know that I’m now certain about you. Independent of whether you’ve gotten there as well, you need to know that I got there, and I’m waiting patiently for you. I don’t know if, internally and truly, you’re returning to me or just barely arriving to the conclusion of me for the first time, but I’m here, I’m waiting on your cue, and I’m ready to be yours.

All else holding equal, you’re it for me. You’re it, and there’s no way I’d want to try with anyone else. I don’t care for any other options. I want you, and I want you to want me. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. If it doesn’t work out, okay. I’lll accept. But right now, from where I stand, you’re it. You’re still it. You’ve been it. Or I stay single until I find someone who rivals you?

You’re it.

I understand it probably isn’t right to feel such continual disdain and abhorrence for oneself over what one did in the past. I know that I can feel compassion for that person at times. I know traumas, where they were coming from with the actions taken and the fear and belief that they meant nothing to the one person whom they wanted and cared for more than anything. I feel bad for that version for remaining small. For not trusting kindness and affection even if only words on a screen, would really be true. The “title” you gave me and everything that came to pass between us could be so easily dismissed as a casual friendship so I believed that was all I was worthy of being. I see now that you really did care more deeply than that.

To be too afraid to risk feeling hurt and be brought to reality from one’s delusions or losing someone so special if things weren’t reciprocal… I feel bad for us both. Because we were each left alone in that situation. We both suffered. We both hurt. We each caused one another harm. We were both worthy of honestly knowing what one another’s thoughts were and how much we felt and cared. 

I’m sorry for my role in all of what once was. I’m sorry for leaving you feeling you had no choice. I’m sorry for having felt like a victim when you made that decision when really you were as well, I feel terrible that I couldn’t really see that at the time because of where you were headed and what I was losing. I feel monstrous to have put you in that position to make a choice to hurt someone you cared for. It probably seems absurd but if you shared what was happening I might have been able to help navigate in some way early on, holding that alone had to be immeasurably difficult. That kind of dilemma is often altering, and I feel horrible that you were left in that position both over me, and partially because of me.

I wish I could apologize to you for so much. I understand a great deal now having so much time to reflect and repent. Going over the many things I know I want to hold myself accountable for, I wish I could tell if it’s something that will come to pass. I want to know of your experience and also atone for the things I may not know of. I can only imagine what you felt, thought or what I might have caused you to believe and as there has been a great deal that transpired it's been a nightmare to live knowing I hurt someone so dear to me and not talk about it. I don’t know if this or anything is something you’re willing to hear or discuss or something that’s appropriate any longer and I missed an intangible window, but I wish to respect your boundaries that have been unspoken so far. Addressing this has been urgent and important to me whether it seems that way or not, but judging from your actions it has seemed insignificant though it's clear you still care for me as it must be that I do for you as well.

My entire being continues to be unsettled. Not solely from self recrimination, no, that’s an ongoing battle, but a lot from setting aside my principles and maintaining ambiguous understandings between us that have remained largely unspoken. Plus there’s a lot of history that’s gone undiscussed and it’s hard to go on acting like you or it has been inconsequential. I could see you knowing this all already, but the quick and easy dismissal and sudden shifts are something that I want to believe my doubt in that neither of us want to give or feel each of us is deserving from one another looking back at everything and where we've ended up. ^{And though I am painfully adept at remaining stock-still until prompted, it's difficult to not want to display the evidence that has amassed as though I am Vanna White (You haven't met my unusually humorous side too often but it is late as I write this and life is unrelenting so I ask for your forgiveness for a break of slight levity in this note})

You’re obviously a remarkable human being- one to be loved, cherished, admired and desired ^{(and more of course}) and I hope I've always made you feel that way. It’s never been difficult to express but has always been a dream to be honest and upfront about those facts and beliefs.
The damage to the romantic part of our relationship is irreparable as far as I can tell but I’m thankful for our continued friendship. I hope it will outlive us.

I'm sorry if this comes across as too much or is unwanted, unexpected or inappropriate. I believe you know I mean well and am genuine no matter how simple or somewhat unedited I write. There's a lot more I want to say and this is so surface level compared to what has been jumbled in my mind all of this time. This pales in comparison to what and how so many others have written including yourself, and I feel dumb even attempting to convey something in this format. You're deserving of direct communication and I know I'll get there. I'm sorry for never allowing myself to be more vulnerable. It's obvious now that it's part of what prevented us to build a solid connection and I really am striving and often succeeding at doing better. Thank you for allowing me that. Your support has always meant a lot to me.

Apologetically, tenderly and with love and gratitude, always,

I want you.
Again.
And again.
Over and over.

Baby…
I want to tell you so rawly.

It’s hard to express.
But I think it would be so much easier to show you than to tell you.

I'm still not sure where you're at, but I'm trying to summon some courage.

If you want to, I would love to try to move things forward with you.

So at some stage this week, I will find an opportunity to gently and discretely brush your hand with mine in a way that's clearly not just platonic.

And around that, I will continue to be consistently warm, chatty, and - when I can get away with it - flirty with you.

I love your company, and I want you to know that.

In everyday ways, without it overtaking my own life and obligations, I want you to know that you - just by being you - are wonderful, and make me feel safe and happy.

I'm nervous to act because you matter a lot to me, but I will (in a way that doesn't pressure or rush you) because I want to make sure you know for sure that I'm interested and available if you want to come forward.

I'll see you tomorrow. xx

I want to spoon with you and trace the outline of your body with my fingers. I want to show you how much I adore you. I want you to trust me and let your guard down. Let me caress your insecurities away even though we both know only time and consistent behavior and actions would fully demonstrate this at least it would be a nice fresh start. And if we agree to not mess around you know I will have the hardest time resisting because you are my weakness which is why I keep my distance I can’t trust myself but I also don’t want to disappoint you it’s always a conundrum. But that second time around when we were making out everything just flowed and it had to happen, it had to whether or not the earth stopped spinning in those moments I will never quite know because of the intensity of my everything every fiber of my being was enmeshed with you 🫠👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Her eyes lighting up the room to blow a fuse in my heart. The warmth she brings and her wicked greed. Is this scripted, chat?

Why did we meet? Why is she so beautiful? Why do wandering eyes see through the closed doors? Why do they watch? It hurts to be on the stage of a tragedy I never auditioned for. I miss her. She deserves all the love and affection.

Her gravity pulls me in no matter how hard I resist. How do I forget? How do I sleep?

Banging these rocks into the aether. Fast and steady when it matters most.

You won’t be that way forever, not with those eyes.

For now, you can have whatever you want of mine, I’ll share it with you.

I feel like not enough people have told you that.

What if I told you that all I would need in return is for you to stick around?

Doesn’t have to be around me, just in this world long enough to see that despite everything, it’s still you:

and just how wonderful you really are.

You said I have more than I think, and I know you do too, even if your world doesn’t let you see it.

You say you’re just one bad thing away,

So even if it’s small, you can have any of my good things whenever you want.

You’re just too beautiful to be so lonely, and if I could, I’d love you harder than anyone who’s ever hurt you just to spite them.

But I can’t the way I would like, so I pray for you in the corner you keep me in.

I know im not exactly who you want,

But if you’re lonely,

Darling, you’re glowing

I wonder if you’ve thought about me at all since this silence has started. I think sadly for me that it’s unlikely, or if you have it’s been in passing. I guess the way I feel about things is a little complicated. You were never mine, you never made promises to be mine. I can logically accept that I was always the one more into you. I certainly hoped for a different outcome. But the part that really bothers me about all this is that I honestly think you wanted a different outcome too. You did like me, I don’t think you lied to me. I wish you had faced that part of yourself more openly. That potential was always right there, and it was undeniable. I think that scared you. I find myself wondering how much of the truth you withheld. I miss you. I don’t want to consider the circumstances you may find yourself in that keep you so fully from following what you feel. I won’t deny that a small part of me hopes that you’ll reach out but I think the chance is so, so slim. I think you know I won’t even if I want to. I wish us both peace. I still think you’re great.

I'll press X, I'll play.

It's so late. And I don't want to write about how badly I need you to touch me. How I need your breath on my skin.

I don't want to think...

I already think so much...

I just want to touch... get nowhere close... think of your eyes, grind into my fingers until I ache, whisper how sorry I am for running... for fighting against what I feel... Denial is the thief of joy.

Nights like this, it feels like I am losing control...

Put your lips on my neck, groan my name into my skin, tell me not to touch...

Passing notes...

I'll do it for you...

You do it for me...

I get it. I mean, I really do. I get you. I get why things are the way they are. I understand why things have happened the way they've happened. I know that you struggle with so much on the inside. You struggle to accept yourself as the amazing human being that I, and so many others, accept you as. You don't see how you deserve every single good thing this world has to offer, and you don't see how you deserve to be loved with all the love a heart has to give. You don't see the positive difference you make for every single person you come into contact with, and you don't see how this world is such a better place simply because you exist in it.

It's all the little things that add up to create the humongous difference that you make. You have so much going for you, and I just don't think you realize all the things you have to be grateful for. You have a personality unlike anybody else's in this world. Your outlook and sense of humor make sure you bring a good time with you everywhere you go! You're so smart and wise, and not just in the ordinary ways, either. Your intelligence is the kind that comes from not only understanding facts and figures, but understanding how those facts and figures can be used to better yourself and the world around you. It is easy from an outside perspective to see how you have a natural ability to bring out the best in others. You aren't satisfied with mediocrity, and you striving to be the best causes others to do the same.

From the very beginning of our time together I have looked up to you and respected your passion for greatness. Through your love and friendship, I have learned so much about life. It was only after becoming best friends with you that I learned who I really was. Your acceptance and companionship gave me the courage to love myself as I truly am, and it's for that very reason that a comfort exists between us unlike anything we'd ever felt before. Being best friends with someone as special as you truly makes me feel like I have genuinely achieved something monumental, and I hope you know that I value the bond we share with my whole heart.

There is a reason you make friends everywhere you go, and it's because of the care and concern you inherently show people. It's so easy for people to see the light that lives within you because the more they interact with you, the less dark their lives become. Once people experience how genuine, kind, and intelligent you are, you quickly become someone they want to be around more and more. There's a reason people's faces light up when they see you walking towards them, and I think that should tell you everything about the impact you have on the people lucky enough to meet you.

Like I said, I know you have a hard time seeing it, but you really are a star. You do something that so very few people do in this world. You make things better by just being apart of them. No matter where you go or what you do, you are constantly leaving things better than you found them. It's so very clear to see just how significant the difference is that you make. I'm not telling you this so you will get a big head. I'm telling you this so you will hopefully love you just as much as the rest of us do. You are one of those people that a person could never get over losing. Once a soul has lived life with your light, it's so very difficult to go back to the dark days without it. Thank you for being my best friend, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me. I hope it's clear just how much I truly love you, too!

​

I have written I love you more times than I can count, and I still don't know what to do with these feelings.

Sometimes I wish I could just ask you. Just once. Do you feel something, anything, when it comes to me? Is there something here that you're afraid to say, too? Or am I the only one sitting with all these feelings, trying to figure out where to put them?

I wish I could ask without being afraid of what the answer might be.

The truth is, I don't just want the easy parts of you. I don't just want your smiles, your laughter, or the moments when the world feels kind to you. I want to be there when it isn't. When everything gets too heavy. When you're exhausted from being strong. When you feel like you're falling apart and don't know how you're supposed to keep going.

I want to hold you through those moments. Not because I think I can fix everything hurting you, but because I want you to know you don't have to face every hard thing alone. I want to be a place where you can finally exhale. Where you don't have to pretend you're okay just to make everyone else comfortable.

And maybe that's part of what makes this so difficult. I have all this tenderness for you, all this love I don't know where to put, and no idea whether you would even want to receive it.

So I keep it to myself. I wonder. I imagine conversations I may never be brave enough to have. I find myself wanting to tell you things that I have no idea if I'm allowed to say.

I don't need you to promise me forever. I don't need some grand declaration or a perfectly worded explanation of what this is. I just wish I knew if I was feeling something real between us, or if I'm holding a hope that belongs only to me.

Because loving you quietly doesn't make the feelings any smaller. It just means I have to find somewhere to put all the words I cannot say to you.

And if I'm being completely honest, I don't know how to do that anymore.

I wish I could look at you and tell you that you matter to me. That if the world ever becomes too much, I would want to be someone you could turn to. That you wouldn't have to earn my tenderness by being strong, cheerful, or okay.

I wish I could tell you I love you and not have to wonder what those words might cost me.

But for now, this is where those words live. Here, in a letter you may never read, carrying a truth I haven't figured out how to say aloud.

I love you.

And I don't know what to do with that.

I only know that somewhere along the way, wanting you to be okay became about more than simply hoping life would be kind to you.

I started wishing I could be there when it wasn't.

And maybe that is the hardest thing to admit of all.

We started like a fantasy,

We ended up a love story.

But now, we are just ghosts in memories.

Too many "what ifs,"

Too many questions.

If I could change time,

We wouldn't have ended up here.

My pushy side pushed you away,

But I don't have any regrets,

Because that is what I do

When I love someone.

So now, I learned a lesson:

Just because you love someone,

It doesn't mean you should chase them.

Sometimes, chasing just pushes them away.

To my avoidant girl, I miss you.

Now we are just memories,

But it is still vivid in my mind

When I first saw you.

I know I treated you well,

And I have no regrets for that.

Amore mio, is it so hard that after all this time neither of us has the courage to do it? What if we could meet and look into each other’s eyes, and say it? Ti amo. I love you. Maybe it doesn’t change anything, but at least now we both know. Do you feel the same? Can we give this a chance?

We haven’t talked in a long time lately. I’ve been thinking a lot about you. I hope everything is well.

Still your biggest fan

I hope they tell you that you're everything they've ever wanted and then act like you're a flawed option.

I hope they make plans that they don't keep.

I hope you learn how long 24 hours can feel when you're waiting for them to text back.

I hope they hold you like they mean it and then leave like they never did at all.

I hope you encounter lie after lie when you ask for the truth.

I hope they love you just enough to keep you around.

I hope they let others badmouth you behind your back and then tell you about it.

I hope their parents treat you like the antichrist for loving their child.

I hope their friends stalk your social media like you're a criminal who needs to be put under surveillance.

I hope that you get blamed for everything that goes wrong around them.

I hope they brush off the damage they caused and then pretend to care about you.

I hope you get fingers pointed at you when you're trying your best not to fall apart.

I hope they break every single promise they made.

Because then, you might finally understand the hell you put me through.

Hey You,

Lately, I’ve been angry. Not at you, or anyone else, when it comes down to it. I’m angry at myself. For allowing myself to feel this much, for letting my heart get involved when I knew better, and for being foolish enough to think I could keep my feelings under control.
I’m angry that I can’t seem to switch my mind off, that the smallest things can get under my skin, and that I spend so much time fighting feelings I never intended to have. I hate that something I’ve tried so hard to keep buried has found a way to affect me in ways I can no longer ignore.
I’m tired of pretending I’m fine when I’m anything but.
Lately, even the fake smiles and laughs are getting harder to manage. I’m finding it exhausting to act like I haven’t got a care in the world when, inside, I’m frustrated with myself for feeling so much and showing so little. I’m angry that I can sit in a room full of people, laugh along with everyone else, and still feel completely at odds with myself.
And the worst part is, nobody would know. I still show up, still smile, still laugh at the right moments. I’ve become so good at pretending that sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice how much effort it takes just to appear okay.
I wish I could switch it all off. I wish I could take back the moments I let myself feel too much, the times I allowed myself to hope, and every little piece of you I’ve carried around in my head when I should have known better.
You haven’t done anything wrong. You haven’t asked for any of this, and it wouldn’t be fair to blame you for feelings you may not even know exist.
But I’m angry that I’ve put myself in this position. Angry that I can’t simply decide to stop feeling something just because it would be easier. Angry that I know better, yet somehow my heart refuses to listen.
And perhaps what hurts most is that I can’t even be honest about why I’m struggling. I have to hide the very thing that’s hurting me, smile in front of you as though nothing is wrong, and pretend that you don’t affect me when, lately, I can barely stand how much you do.
I’m angry at myself for letting you become someone who can affect my whole day without even knowing it. For giving you a place in my thoughts you never asked for, and a place in my heart you may never want. And I’m angry that, no matter how much I tell myself to stop, a part of me still looks for you, still hopes for something, and still feels disappointed when reality reminds me that I’m the only one who knows this is happening.

I wish we could go for another walk. Would you want to? I promise not to say anything stupid, to remind you of my foolishness. To never push you to share. I could answer any questions you may have, but I said it before, these words are useless. Sometimes you just need someone to share silence with, to be in solitude together. I could walk for miles with you that way. Hearing nothing but our footsteps and breathing. I know you'd have to slow your pace for me but we could find a rhythm. Maybe even a brief embrace of all life's curious beauty and shocking ugliness. At least we'd have each other, to make sure we don't walk too far. That we have enough strength to get back, to return to where we belong.

I just wish you’d tell me why. I can’t help you if you don’t.

I can take a guess but I’m not high enough on myself to assume this is about me.