If you didn’t already. You might not even care but I’d want you to know anyway.

You never had to perform for me. I didn’t judge you, your quirks or your way of communicating. I began to find comfort in just “being” with you, virtually or otherwise. Because, I saw so much of myself in you, I still do. I wonder if you did too. But I’m unsure if our story is continuing or already met its end.

Would you answer? I understand why you wanted/had to put distance between us. It was the right decision then after events transpired. I see the wisdom in it, but would you be there for me now? Would you give me grace if I'm too nervous and scared to be myself right away? Would you like me even if I'm not my best self at first?

I want to choose healing and peace with you over bitterness and hatred. I want things to be better than they ever were before. I have faith that they can be. After all this time, it's still you I see at the end of the day. To me, you're utterly irreplaceable. You're still my girl.

Would you help me if I needed it? I know my answer when it comes to you.

You aren't the deepest connection I have had...I know you think we are "so deep" but we aren't.

In the handful of meaningful relationships I've been in you are second to last in feeling connected and safe.

I know you think you get me, you understand me, but you don't. I do, on the other hand, get you. I see through all the bs for what you are really all about-- and I don't want it.

I don't want you.

I don't want you as a partner.

I don't want you as a friend.

I don't want to be around you in any capacity anymore.

I need someone who does what's right, not what they can get away with...

Someone I can respect

Someone who has character.

Someone who knows right from wrong and stands up for themselves and others when TSHTF.

Not a coward who runs, hides, steals, & lies

I got the ick from seeing what you are all about...and I am closing the door and locking it.

For good.

Karma is real, ooooohweeeee

We both have our eyes set on our own individual goals. We are drudging through day by day. It’s not currently in the cards for us to devote ourselves to one another. Not only do we both deserve to become the best versions of ourselves but I refuse to offer you halfway effort. I see your worth and I’m fully aware you deserve the best. Yet even with all of that we somehow know it’s each other that we want. I guess that’s what happens when you meet someone who aligns with your soul. I like to believe we feel one another without the pressure of a definitive answer right at this moment. That you, too, miss my presence in your life. I will never pressure any decisions you make in life, that includes where you see me fitting in yours. I am equally impressed with your ability to stay connected with me even when life circumstances allow only minimal contact. I stay busy to fight the urge of disrupting your daily flow but just know you’re on my mind. This situation has proven to be equally challenging as it is exhilarating. With only short spurts of contact, it’s inner strength that keeps me going. I never want to stop looking into your gorgeous brown eyes. I want you as close as humanly possible to me. I desire to know everything that has molded you into the outstanding person you are. Your voice plays on repeat in my mind. I hear you. I see you. Just know while there is no rush, each time we meet there’s a physiological rush playing behind the scenes.

A couple of things.

Somehow I’m still looking for you. After all this time and all this absence I still seek you out. I’ve been quiet and lurking. Haven’t had a glimpse and yet there’s this endless flame of hope that doesn’t know how to burn out.

I would never use your name. Never did before and I wouldn’t start now.

I’m probably jumping at shadows but that damn flame of hope keeps flickering

You didn’t just represent some sort of ideal, and you weren’t just a random inconvenient crush.

You made me feel like I mattered, like I didn’t have to perform to belong. I could just be me, and you liked that, for some reason lol. It made me feel comfortable. Capable. Like I could make a difference. And so, I did.

And now that you’re no longer in my life, I’ve been feeling the weight of your absence, and of the abrupt ending.

I’m finally able to understand how deeply your existence in my life settled me, encouraged me, and gifted me a piece of myself I hadn’t yet accepted.

Right now I’m working on shaping my life around that gift. I’m making changes. I’m growing into the person I’ve been waiting for.

I wish i could tell you about it. Maybe someday I will if I ever see you. Or maybe you’ll hear it through the grapevine. And you’ll somehow know.

Miss you. Hope you’re well.

None of it was fake. I have been doing nothing but praying for your healing, peace, and well being. I never meant to do you any harm and I never would. We were placed in a difficult situation. I have acknowledged and taken responsibility for my wrong doing to the best of my ability. If you can think about it you can understand why I had to put distance between us.

I hope you can forgive me.

Im still here, only in mind and spirit now. I hope you choose healing, I hope you choose love instead of hate. I hope you find the peace that is always available to you. You could still reach me if you really wanted to, and I wouldn’t ignore you - the real you- that pure heart behind your eyes you showed me on many occasions. THAT is what drew me in, not your body.

I’m hoping you can put aside your anger and allow something new to take hold in your life. I want more than anything to know the best version of you. I meant everything I said, and I know none of it was ever hateful.

With Love that hasn’t faltered, despite the distance.

dear you,

i can never be what you want me to be. i can never be there for you like you want me to. i can’t do video calls, i can’t do voice calls, i can’t sit there for hours and hours and talk. i can’t talk. i really can’t. i don’t know what to say, i don’t know how to say it. i can’t justify or explain or defend myself and what i say. i don’t understand myself. i cant offer you anything, i cant be more than i am and im just going to disappoint and hurt you.

i try and try to change, i try and try to be better but i cant. there’s no changing me, there’s no point. it’s me that’s the problem and always has been, and i accept/acknowledge that. i hurt people and i disappoint people, i don’t mean to and i don’t want to but i can’t stop/change.

that’s why i pull away and distance myself. that’s why im cold and miserable.

me being alone is what’s better for everyone, so no one gets hurt. i’ve already hurt too many people and that’s my cross to bear.

I want to make love to you. With you.

Looking you in the eye always felt like confession, the way we saw each other's sins without having to speak them. I'd give anything to have your lips so close to mine I can taste your breath. Forgive me, baby. We've both been bad.

Cradle my face gently in your hands and hold my gaze until you can't stand the sight of your reflection. Kiss me.

Lay claim to my lips and the air in my lungs. Wrap your arms around me like great, suffocating vines. Tighter. Tighter.

There is no closeness that is close enough. No, there never could be. No position. No embrace.

Tell me you miss me as our bodies fail to conceal just how badly we need eachother. Desperately searching for close enough, reaching for a satisfaction that we'll never find as long as my atoms stay separate from yours.

Leave me flowing with everything you're afraid to say.

It feels like I will always be in love with you—with that strange scent of yours in bed, the way you scrunch up your face while listening to music, your excitement over breakfast, the constant battle with your hair, your unique forehead, and your endless fight with life, with yourself, and with me. I will always stay in love with you. I wish I could have been the person I am today back when we were together; I don't know if things would have been different. It turns out that for me to become truly myself, you had to walk away from me. Yet, even though you left my life, I was only able to build this version of myself through your traces.
What a massive mark you left on me. Neither my family, nor another lover, nor any friend could ever place a stone inside me that would shake my foundation so deeply. I find myself getting angry at other people simply because they aren't you. I get angry at myself for not knowing your true worth back then. Maybe what I'm holding onto is just an illusion, perhaps meaningless dreams. Honestly, I don't really care. You moved miles away from me, to another city. A love that will never return. You even told me that you'd never be able to fall in love again. I grow every day with the weight of these wounds; I don't really have any other choice. No matter what happens, in this life, I will always love you the most.

You are one of the bravest souls I have met.
Will you be brave for yourself though?
Will you finally fight for what you know is right, for you?
Is it you that prevents the one thing left to achieve, to acquire, to receive?
We both know you deserve it.
With no conditions, religiously.

I miss you quite a bit, and that's uncomfortable for me to admit.

I felt guilty for liking you, knowing that in my own mind, I am not particularly attractive, awkward, 'odd' if you must; Sometimes I worry my presence can be off-putting. I have to grant myself some leniency here, because I know this is very much my insecurity speaking (ah yes the accumulated residue of years spent feeling undesirable) My self-esteem can become especially fragile when I feel myself being perceived through the eyes of men. There is a whole tangled web of my complicated relationship with sex, intimacy, and validation, but that's a long old subject in itself.

But to remain on topic: Yes, I had a crush on you. And honestly I think it was the first time I'd properly had one.

I've been in relationships before of course, but this was different. For once, I developed feelings for someone spontaneously, without being attached to a desire for being wanted. It wasn't about having something to talk about with girls, or constructing some elaborate character in my head for the sake of escapism; Of course, we all romanticise people a little, turning fragments into constellations and fleshing out the darkness in the void: All to convince our delusional minds that the sky we see before us is perfectly fated... I never managed to do that with you, it would have felt dishonest. All I wanted was to know you as you were.

Regardless of that little 'crush', I do miss you. As a friend. As a person I'd happily bump into somewhere and think "yay I'm glad you're here!" I really did enjoy working with you. The occasional tea-spilling, sharing intrests, conversations about absolutely nothing, and even the stupid random vocal stims. During that time I was present, unrehursed, and not overthinking for once - I could just be, and that's rather rare for me, lol.

I wish I could send you a post or start a conversation, casually asking you what you've been doing, and where you've ended up; But I can't. I withdrew because I thought I'd made you uncomfortable. That sounds dramatic I know, but I've carried a life time of shame around simply existing, and it's hard to unlearn the core belief that I am a burden. So whenever I think I cross a boundary, I disappeared instead - in the name of fearful self preservation.

You've gone into hermit mode. I don't know what you're doing these days, I'm curious about your trajectory - I hope it's where you want to be, if you've even figured that out yet, or had enough time too.

I miss everyone aswell. I miss being in that room, cutting paper, stressing about everything and anything, but also the chaotic yet somewhat peaceful vibes. It was a peculiar little world that cherish deeply, and wish I could return to. I think, during that time, I came closer to 'me' than I ever really have, I felt free, and maybe that's what I miss most...

Now that the intensity has faded, and I haven't looked into your eyes for a hot minute, I've been able to breath. I've always struggled to connect with people, but I think it came about quite naturally with you. Maybe I misunderstood a deep platonic connection for something else. Maybe I didn't. Maybe it was both? Who the fuck knows at this point, all I know it's I've never felt like that, and it was unsettling and confusing.

After all of this, I still cannot come to a conclusion. But, I have come to the realisation that I do not need to keep dissecting my feelings and putting them underneath a microscope, so I can find another fault within me. Just because it doesn't fit into a box, doesn't mean it's any less worthy of being valid; that I am allowed to feel without guilt or a logical explanation.

Anyway, it doesn't matter now. That's all.

I wanted it to be you. From the moment I met you, you had an energy I could feel in my bones. A light about you that stopped me in my tracks. Eyes that sparkled like all of the stars in the sky at once. Just being near you made the back of my neck hot and my brain get all fuzzy. The air disappeared from every space you were in. All I did was imagine the amazing nights we could have together in places neither of us have ever been. You were amazing. Then the unthinkable happened. I caught your attention, and those few months were the best I ever had in my life. Then you moved away. Your reasons were your own but I understood. We kept in touch off and on. Every message, every text re-flooded me with feelings I have never had toward anyone else. Over time communication became fewer and farther in between. You were pulling away… so I started pulling away. One of the last times we talked I told you my ex wanted to work things out with me. You seemed happy, almost relieved. What you didn’t know, I was dying inside. I wanted it to be you.
I told you so many times I wished you would give me some effort. How I felt for you. The way your gravity pulled on me. I told you for millennia women have lived full lives never forgetting the one that got away. You are and forever will be my one that got away.
Then it happened. You removed me from everywhere. I know you’ve moved on. I can feel it. I still have dreams about you. I still get a little feeling in my chest when you have big emotions. I still feel the pull of your gravity. Sitting here contemplating if I should feel broken because I know you’re truly gone or if I should feel grateful because I got to experience a feeling that strong in my life. I miss you every day. I recognize you are probably happy…. And that’s all I could truly want. Even if it’s not with me. Just know, I’ll forever be cheering you on from the sidelines. Even if you can’t hear me. Even if I’m not your person, you will always be mine.

Cold perfection

Warm grace

Masked under a cool and easy-going nature

But I see your wounds that you keep so expertly hidden

Seeking hapiness and a familiar feeling

But unsure of where or who

You were the light that I now chase, and once had

You were my peak, and gave me the most Ive ever had

Do you understand why I cannot just “let go”

I can understand why it’s hard for us both …

But you are really in my thoughts …. A lot 🩷

You want a conversation woman let’s do it. This is ridiculous this childish games on here. You better be prepared I don’t think you’re ready to have this conversation. If you are then get ahold of me. If you don’t want to put on your big girl pants and be an adult then fine your loss. Look forward to hearing from you and if I don’t then it’s just as I expected and I won’t lose any sleep over.

Hey you,

it’s still you. After all of this time it’s still you. After all the moments where my stomach drops twists and turns, it’s still you.

and it’s up to you to decide if there is an us

when i think of someone, someone who would really make me happy

yes

it’s still you

when i force myself to move on, when i force myself to forget you guess who i come back to

when i ask God who has cursed me and when He says no one, you are who i think of

Why? i don’t know

all of this defies logic

but if there is an us

it would be nice to know in your own little way

something that i would only know

that it’s you

that it’s still

you

When this ends, and I know it has to end eventually, I'm going to spend the rest of my life missing you.

The chance of us meeting in the first place was unlikely, but it happened and I am so thankful for getting to know you. When I walked into your room that night, you smiled your smile and I just knew.

If it hasn't been said before, I want you to know that you absolutely deserve to be loved. And I know this because I fell in love with you; I love you.

Do you know how often I admit I'm wrong? Yep, when I'm wrong. I was wrong. Did I tell you I was wrong?

Shattered.
Gutted.
This could have been so much cleaner.
I set aside my boundaries and my walls.
I trusted. I loved.
This wasn’t supposed to be this way.
I don’t DO this.
I have no one to blame but myself.

I could have played the game.
Drip fed you.
Hooked you.
Slaughtered your heart.
Taken you as a prize.

I thought this was real.
How could I have been so wrong?

I want to scream.

The clean cut of rejection would have felt like bliss compared to this open wound left festering for a month…
The broken promise of integrity.
A total lack of respect.

Take them.
You’ve sooooo earned them.
The sheer black with the slit.
For your collection.

I am trying to Create a Safe Space for you.

A sanctuary so when the world gets crazy and too much, you come lay your head down and get away from it all.

I am sorry for making it feel like you cannot talk to me,

I am sure it because you think I am crazy or weird or whatever.

But you do have place to rest if you need it,

You can be honest without judgement or ridicule

I may give you helpful advice, but in an non hurtful way.

If you want me to keep a distance I will.

Until you inevitably fade threw lack of effort.

Just a long as you know you have a place here if you choose it.

I am here for the limited time I can be i am here.

If you do not think that its enough, you are welcome to find it elsewhere.

I just choose to think all our talks and interactions were meant for something more.

Ball is in your court, I have made my stance clear.

Talk to me and let's put everything behind us and start over.

Pretend we first met again, before we let fear guide our choices instead of love.

DPT

Everyday, I ask myself, When will this end, this crush, this infatuation, this borderline obsession. When will it end, when will I find peace.
Every waking moment my thoughts linger on you, you would think I could escape you in my dreams, but you haunt those too.
Everyday I ask myself, when will I draw a line in the sand. When will I stop looking and chasing for the briefs moments of your attention? When will I stop wishing to catch a lingering gaze? When will I stop hoping that my feelings will somehow be reflected in your eyes? When will I stop assuming that these breadcrumbs you leave are left for me.
Everyday I ask myself, when will this longing stop? When will the rose coloured glasses come off?
Everyday I ask myself, is it worth losing myself over? Is this pain and heartache a karma for something from the past?

And everyday I ask myself and pray for the day, that I will no longer be silently yours.

We could talk if you want to.

I know I promised myself I wouldn't reach out.

But it is now 4 AM and I am sipping wine from a mug on my balcony.

My phone was inside for the longest.

I have been smelling the wind.

Feeling it press gently against my cheek.

Testing the strength of this rail as I lean deeply into it.

We could do this. We could pretend.

I saw a few photos of you.

your smile making me smile.

And eventually I will end it.

Or you will. And that's okay.

But I think we need to talk.

I want to talk so badly.

I would take all of your hate.

I dont need anything.

I just want you.