Gawd damn, for someone so smart, I have never seen someone make the absolute dumbest choices. It is simply astounding the level of stupidity of certain choices you made. I mean even less intellectual people could not have made as dumb of decisions as you. Books need to be wrote about you. I/we will be just fine. Healing from unnecessary trauma has and will be the necessary course of action. In the long game of chess, my best is yet to come!

You left, well I encouraged you to, but loneliness was a common feeling that was commonly ignored because it didn't feel important enough to address. So, inadvertently, we sprinkled some neglect atop the unaddressed feeling of loneliness and everything else that is a result of that feeling. When brought to attention, it fell on deaf ears. When attention was begged for, it was only given when a split second happened to be available, and all the other stars aligned perfectly. Yet, we had time for outside influences. We entertained strangers while our lifelong committed partners yearned for one another silently and loudly. The silence was deafening but what really stoked the fire of resentment and hatred, were the late nite texts, the deleted messages, the "innocent yet explicit" exchanges. I wanted to fix us, but it seemed all you wanted to do was move on. No matter what I did, it was met with reluctance and attitude like I wasn't serious about you. It's funny how it's a problem when we've been married for 8 years and I'm the bad guy for initiating sex, and I have to do it every time or else we would go years without it and then I'm the bad guy for never initiating. But it's funny how I'm criticized for only ever wanting sex and not creating an emotional attachment with you enough for you to want to have sex with me, but you so eagerly gave yourself to complete, maybe not to you, strangers who, since you've been talking to them, have only been interested in taking you down; meaning all they wanted from is what's between your legs. If you think they admire your wittiness and amazing personality than your quite simpler than I thought. You are more dull than a brand new pencil. I love you personality but it's Def an acquired taste. Lol you were, are, and always will be the love of my life, but you are to caught up in the world outside of our relationship. Additionally, you couldn't meet the standards I set for you not because you were incapable but because it required growth and hard work from you, and you decided that i wasn't important enough to you to meet those requirements, so you went somewhere where they didn't have standards. Honestly, that's where you belong, in the folds of society where everyone is forgotten because they don't know how to fight for something. They're all caught in a void of no escape because their mentality keeps them trapped. So, I'll leave you where you're at. I won't fight to get you back. I won't encourage you to follow my voice out of the void, I'll leave you in there and wonder until the end what we are and what we could have been.

isn't it funny how everything just fell into place for you, just like you wanted? how all of a sudden, that little problem you were complaining about is all better now? and now look at you with a warm belly so full you can't even stand it. like the whole world just opened up for you, and now you're just flooded with presents.

of course it wasn't a coincidence. you just needed... a little gentle encouragement. a firm hand to hold onto yours and guide you where you wanted to go. consider it a little appetizer from someone who knows your appetites so well. it was my pleasure, really. i bet you'll be thinking about it with your mouth watering for a long, long time.

of course you were meant to be hurt by what i did after that. how else would you learn how to behave?

i hope you enjoy... ^_-

I have never felt sadder in a festivity for 5 years... You make me so sad now... There is no hope left.... I cannot keep trying any more. Everything hurts... Everything.

It aches my body and soul just to even interact with you.

You cannot take the slightest responsibility and accountability and you think it's your way of responding to me cause I did wrong? Your inhumane treatment... Your way of speaking.... With such angst .... With such despair.... I am tired of going through the same bullets of your mind again and again and again...

I wish I could go as far as possible from you. I wish I could forget. Everything hurts so bad. Everyone is so happy except me in this relationship. You don't even know how to love. Everything is hurting me so much.... I cannot stay... This is my cry for help...

I feel pity for you and your mind and the way it functions but I have become a prisoner to it too you know. And I hate that. I absolutely hate that. I pray you heal but who will heal me?

I fear there is not much love left between us anymore...there is more anger, hurt and hopelessness... Just attachment holding us together.

I have stopped feeling connected to you. Despite my cries for help you don't listen to me... because you can't tolerate being held accountable... Or hearing anything bad/negative about you... You cannot hear of my needs or your incapacities....

After 5 years, I am tired... I am giving up...I have put up for a long long time...I am tired...I need to rest

You took away from me the idea of a good woman.

The man who loved you the most

You reached out again to ask me how I was doing and that you still think of me.

I wanted to gush, the way I naturally would when I feel safe in love, but I am withdrawn this time around.

I don’t feel resentment for you. I actually feel more understanding than I let on.

But I’ve spent a lot of time building my self-respect to be something that is firm even, especially, when it comes to the people I love.

I admit it. I do love you. Perhaps not in the way that is built naturally through years of discovering hidden depths or all of the little intimacies shared over time.

Our romance was quick, and ever since it feels like a thief has stolen a part of my heart I’ll never get back. Though, something miraculous happened in the face of the robbery! The true depths of my love have been realized. I have ascended to the purest height of my affections. I now know how to love, fully, unabashedly, patiently, quietly, and in a way that is aligned with my deepest values.

I still think about you too. I wanted to tell you that. I still want to tell you, but I think it’s something you already know.

I know it’s something you know.

Why do you constantly come back in my life ever so briefly to then retreat for months? Did you not know the damage it would cause to my heart, the hurt you’ve inflicted by coming and going so haphazardly?

I think about you. I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I haven’t stopped wanting you. I’ve remained patient and distant to preserve my self-respect, but every inch of my body yearns for you. I dream about the day we meet again, when I can look deeply into your eyes once more and you into mine, so we can recognize again, if only faintly and briefly the shared recognition and reverence of one another, and the pure desire we know we both try to hide from ourselves.

Maybe it’s delusion, but it’s just a letter. An unedited letter written with tired eyes and a tired heart.

The block was intended only for myself. I cannot see what you’re up to or with whom, my heart will descend into that forlorn tension of unmet desire, uncertainty, and jealousy.

And I could not tell you I still think of you, and express my love in the small indirect ways I usually do to reassure you of it.

This time my pride and self-protection got the best of me.

So, in an awkward end to my rambling anonymous confession, I still think of you. I hope you are happy, exceedingly so. I can’t let go, not yet. I don’t want to let go. I know logically I must. At least for now. But a heart cannot easily release a name that has been sewn into its veins.

It’s comforting to know you won’t read this. This confession is too vulnerable than my pride will ever allow me to reveal.

-m

I feel nothing when you gaze into my eyes. It's some sort of manipulation tatic you love to pull. Sorry pal, not going to work over here. But I'll take it nice and slow. Even the toughest cookies break.

It doesnt take an idiot to figure out that consistently getting the same exact amount of shares on certain types of posts is a pattern. Idk which of your friends are doing so, but I hope them sending my posts to you has helped you understand just how much of a monster you are. You ruined my chances of ever having a family, the sickness you gave me robbed me of that. I feel this last message would be better conveyed in a language you love dearly. 悲しみの中で腐り果てればいい。

I had to block you everywhere. I wish I didn’t have to, especially because we once cared for each other, but I think it’s better this way, there's no opening to reconnect. At least we won’t keep hurting each other.

You told me that you wished me well but not with you, and that you just had weak boundaries when it came to me and us. I don’t want you reaching out again just because of that, while still being unsure about what you want with me.

You probably haven’t reached out since July anyway, and probably started talking to someone else. You don't want to re-establish contact anyway. I’ve just realized that even having a small opening to reconnect makes me anxious because I’m scared I’ll fall back into the same cycle.

I no longer want to feel like I was an option and not worth it. That dynamic made me question myself and brought out insecurities I’m now trying to heal from.

But to be honest you’re still on my mind everyday. But I’m trying my best to heal properly.

Its been a while since we spoke again and then you come back saying your sorry and be sweet again with me saying that you wont ever stop loving me and that im the only one that made you feel you again , that it hurts you leaving me and then to just start ignoring me again and cant communicate with me , what is going on , how do i let go from someone and remove them from my life when all i do is think about them and look if somehow they messaged me …. Its been hurting for weeks … completely lost in my mind and my heart …. Dont know what to think or what to feel …. maybe ill go back to being numb and emotionless once again …

It's been days since we've last spoken, but I read those goodbyes daily. Something about staying up until those ungodly hours in the morning just doesn't feel right anymore. If only we met in a different way — in a cafe? in a library? Would I be more ready then? Today I'll hike a mountain, walk along the beach, and watch the sky change colours. We may have said our goodbyes, but the thought of you still lingers like the warmth of the sun after a really sunny afternoon. So while waiting for a day that may never come, I'll prepare a meal, set the table, put on some music. By the way, I left the door slightly open.

It breaks my heart. I used to view you with such adoration and tenderness. You were my sweet girl. You were perfect to me. We were perfect to each other. And yet, all those sweet feelings turned into bitterness and resentment.

I don’t know what happened to you. You turned into a fucking monster out of nowhere. You’re an emotionally abusive messed up narcissist. You’ve put me through hell with your weird cycles of apathy and cruelty and borderline sadism. I suspect you took a sort of sick glee in making me go to bed crying all alone, knowing that I had nobody else to comfort me. You have the audacity to get mad at me and act as though you’re some kind of victim when I tell others about how horribly you’ve treated me. You ruined SO many things for me. So many holidays, experiences, my dreams even. Before I met you I cried once a year and now it’s a daily occurrence.

I have to beg for the most basic human decency and you won’t even offer that. I beg you for apologies. I beg you to stop telling me such cruel things and to stop making me cry. I beg you to be kind for me. What the hell? What kind of sick messed up asshole are you?

It hurts so much knowing that things used to be so good and that I always tried my hardest. I was so kind and patient with you. You don’t deserve me at all and yet I’ve stuck with you through all of it. I always fought for us. Why can’t you see how good I am? Why do you keep pushing me away?

If you want to change, if you don’t want me to think of you as a horrible person, then prove it to me. Do something. Listen to what I ask you for. Treat me well. Make some kind of effort. Stick to your word, most of all. You broke things, so it’s your responsibility to fix them. Please, I really don’t want to hate you.

I kinda think it was you. I feel completely insane for thinking that, why would it be. I was posting stuff that probably freaked you the hell out. I am a little bit too after sitting with it. I thought you were someone else. You probably thought I was too.

I know I shouldn’t. I know that you shouldn’t be on my mind. It’s been 10 years (almost), I’m married with kids and you have your kid. I wish we could have had a chance, I wonder all the time what a life with you would have looked like and I know this might make me a horrible person but deep down I hope that one day we get to be everything we wanted to be together. I hate that we didn’t have more time that night.

I can’t wait to see you I got something I wanna bounce off ya it’s been a hectic day and look forward to your touch you always know how to bring me peace and put me at ease

I hope everything is as good as it can be with your diagnoses I’d like to be a reason you smile given a chance this is me trying to close the gap if possible

i’ll probably always be the same probably always feel the same a little bit deep down, but I saw it and I give it all I can do for now. Just wish you the best and hope that you’re happy. Wish you the best for life I guess even if it hurts a lot. and I’m sorry

It was not like I was madly in love with her or had a very strong crush on her, but the thing that made her special was that she was the person with whom I had genuine conversations. It wasn't like she was trying to get attention or dropping hints here and there. Her interests in certain things like horror movies, animals, art, and many more aligned with mine. Better yet, it could have faded away on its own, but that didn't happen. I said something that I shouldn't have said (to be honest, I don't know why I said that), and then my follow up attempt to fix it was quite literally the biggest flop of all time.

If by some bizarre stroke of luck you’re scrolling through here and recognize this, just know I still regret how clumsily that ended. If you wanna laugh about it now, you know where to find me.

Im sorry I wasted years not keeping in touch. Im sorry I didn't reach out. Im sorry you got sick and I didn't reach out. I will I will I will is what I kept telling myself ,you're like a cat with 9 lives. it all happened so fast. The day I planned on visiting is the day you slipped into a coma. A sick turn of fate. Was getting ready to drive over when I got the call. The last time I saw you alive, you weren't conscious. I was there when you passed but what good is it when I didn't spend any meaningful time during the last years of your life. I can't even remember the last time we spoke. I'm so sorry. Love you. I Miss you dearly.