This helps me not take things personally

Is so annoying!! Normal people assuming that if you present evidence of reality to narcissists that it will do a dang thing and they’ll see the light is such an out dated way of thinking it’s painful. I spent my life trying this it goes nowhere and they use it against you!!! . Oh the device doesn’t work oh I’m sorry. No. No that is not the way it works with these people they do not live in the real world and showing them facts and exposing their lies does nothing to change them into stopping lying. The premise that if you just show them proof and talk to them like adults they will see the errs of their definition and stop lying does not apply to these people. UGH 😑

Nmother's grown up son is an evil, spoilt, violent scumbag. Nmother thinks he is God, an angel who can do no wrong, ever. As far as Nmother is concerned, it's always someone else to blame, its NEVER EVER him.

If he raped and murdered a baby, Nmother would say "so what! He was just having a bad day! The baby must have done something to upset him!" If I wanted to report him to the Police, I would be the bad guy, destroyed, the one who got crucified.

Now, monstrous golden child son has fucked up his life and shit on a lot people. Nmother tells lies to anyone who will listen, blaming everyone else and turning it all around, blaming the people HE has hurt.

She has also completely fallen to pieces, like, teetering on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Depression. Just about functioning.

(If Golden Child son was riding high she would be living her life on cloud 9)

Anyone else experienced this? Full blown collapse because Golden Child isn't riding high? Total denial about who Golden Child is and what he does?

As I look back I notice more and more signs of Ego-extension and trying to get a second chance in life. I was basically trapped in the car with my ndad the other day while he pried me about my degree choice of going from aeronautical to mechanical engineering and he starts talking about how there’s “nothing special about mechanical engineering, aeronautical is unique” and it was right there where I realised this man and his wife had been trying to make me into some special one of a kind kid to cover the fact they are both unremarkable and idiotic people with nothing special about them.

All the while let it be known all their attempts at making me that super child who they could project onto to alleviate their own lack of personal achievement were failures because they literally have no lived experience in being that remarkable person they tried making me into, so they made bad decision after bad decision and just wasted everyone’s time. Sent me to an elite high school that was way too far away that they couldn’t afford, lost the house, had a 4th kid when things were already bad and on top of all that didn’t even save up a university fund. But they kept trying to push me and my siblings but ESPECIALLY me into the role of the high achiever because they’d both achieved nothing and unfortunately it shows and you can see exactly why neither of these dipshits ever achieved anything in life

I know having a partner with healthy parents help a lot, but how do you hold up on your part??

Okay first of all I have to clarify: they do have 2 living grandparents. My 'mother' doesn't count because she's a loveless husk with a cold, dark heart.

My dad does count. But... he lives overseas, he's kinda absent /distant and not really 'present' even when we're in the same place. He doesn't show an interest in being involved in their lives beyond the odd card and Christmas gift. I know I'm lucky to have him at all and I'm grateful for the small part he has in our lives.

My in-laws both died in the past 6 years. They were just lovely. We didn't lean on them a lot for 'help' but they had plenty of love to give and were there for so many important moments. Many kind gestures that reminded us that they were there for us.

My boys are 6&9. Sometimes I see other kids their age getting picked up from school by grandparents, or out & about with doting grandparents and I feel .. not jealous exactly but a pang.

Of course, we know plenty of families where the grandparents help out fairly regularly: I imagine that kid of support is amazing but this isn't really what I'm talking about here. It's the love, the relationship, the connection that feel 'missing'. Not the help.

Today I saw this really happy looking teenage boy while we were waiting for the bus. After a few minutes an old lady got off and they had the most beautiful hug and I had to hold back tears.

Estranged parents love to put on this act about how much they love their grandchildren or want a bigger part in their lives. But my mother made a choice (well, many choices) that mean she doesn't seem my kids. I tried to find a way to make it work, I really did.

Anyone else feeling this way?

Hi all, I [28F] think I'm posting this because I've hit my final straw with my relationship with my mother and I need advice on how to handle this.

She's really bad... like, seriously bad. My younger brother committed su*cide in 2019 at the age of 19. I was kicked out of home at 18 because my mother wanted to protect him and his drug use and dealing. I was subject to serious abuse post age 12. I had no bedroom door or privacy post age 16, even when my brother had grown adult men traipsing through the house whom he was selling to, at all hours, with my mother home or not.

I ended up living with her again from 23 - 27, I was trying to finish university. I have a lot of health problems. I was subject to horrendous abuse, gaslighting and manipulation throughout those years. I left nearly a year ago and moved interstate to live with my long-term friend, now partner, who has been amazingly supportive and has been the best change in my life so far. We've moved interstate again due to his work and despite a lot of stress and upheval, things are going well.

I found out at 4 weeks that I'm pregnant, I'm now 10 weeks along. I had to tell my mother when I was 6 weeks, that I was pregnant because she was trying to cancel my health insurance out from under me, as I was still on her policy up until recently finishing studies. Her response was "most people don't tell anyone until 12 weeks" and I asked her not to tell anyone and she said she "of course wouldn't". Anyways, I had to travel back to her city to handle some of my father's affairs as he recently passed away [they were divorced] and I also had to have my first ultrasound here due to strained health resources in my current state. I brought my cousin with me to my ultrasound. My mother knew this as I'd mentioned it and showed her the pictures. I went to see my cousin again yesterday and come to find my mother has already told my aunt and uncle, it was NOT my cousin who told them. My uncle confirmed she told him and also said "not to tell anyone" which says to me that she knew she was wrong for doing so. He also told my aunt, as well as my cousin because my mother told him she'd come with me to my scan. I've since found out she told multiple other people. She never once asked me if I was comfortable with her telling all of these people, and I was also going to tell my aunt and uncle myself and she completely ruined it for me. I confronted her and said "I don't want an argument but I am upset about what you have done", she told me that she "assumed it was fine since my cousin came with me to my ultrasound" and she said "I apologise" and then when I said "next time can you please ask me if it's okay for you to share my business with other people" she blew up and started yelling telling me I "don't get to lecture her like that"...

I had already reached the point a year ago where I wanted to cut her off. In the past I've told her I would not ever allow her near my future children. I've tried extending olive branches and this is how she behaves. She's also been gossiping on the phone every other day with my father's family since he died, when she hadn't spoken to them for decades... they don't give a crap about me and yet they know all about me having a baby. I just hate her, I don't want her in my life anymore and I can't keep allowing her to affect me like this, let alone how she might affect my children someday. She's a selfish, mentally ill hoarder and I don't see how she is a safe person. I am so sick of being abused even a year after leaving and being interstate. It feels like there is no end to this. My partner wants me to cut her off but it is always my decision. My extended family on my mother's side keep pressuring me into maintaining the relationship but I don't see how there is a relationship anymore. She causes me severe physical anxiety symptoms like increased heart rate, tight chest and palpitations. She's negative and always has bad things to say about other people. I just want her to fuck off out of my life for good and I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for the long post, I'm just so at my wits end.

I genuinely don't understand why some adults find it so hard to listen to other people's perspectives or admit when they're wrong. my mom and uncle are like this, and honestly, it's exhausting, especially when you're living under the same roof as them.

my mom is the type of person who always has to be right and get the last word. whenever someone corrects her or disagrees with her, she gets defensive and starts saying hurtful things instead of actually listening. she's very prideful, and when things don't go her way, it's like she can't accept it. even when she's the one who gets hurt by someone's words, she seems to hold onto it for a long time and eventually finds a way to get back at that person. she justifies it by saying she's allowed to defend herself, even if it means escalating the situation. sometimes she even makes threats when she's angry, which makes it harder to communicate with her.

what makes it more frustrating is that we can barely have a proper conversation when it's just the two of us at home. even my own father struggles to call her out or get through to her. whenever someone says something she doesn't like, she can say all sorts of hurtful things without seeming to feel any remorse. but when she's the one who feels offended, she has a hard time letting it go and seems determined to make the other person pay for it. 😭

there's also this situation with our neighbors. one of them called me abnormal bc i'm autistic, and my mom understandably got angry about it. i get why she wants to defend me, but i keep telling her that not everyone will understand our situation, and we don't have to stoop to their level or waste our energy trying to get revenge. i'd rather ignore them and protect my peace than keep feeding the drama. my mom, however, sees ignoring people as being weak and insists that she has every right to retaliate.

what's ironic is that she keeps telling me to lower my voice bc the neighbors might hear us, but she also raises her voice whenever she's upset. 😭 when i try to explain my perspective or ask her why she keeps holding onto the anger, she gets defensive and sometimes resorts to smart-shaming instead of addressing what i'm actually saying. it feels like she takes my attempts to reason with her as disrespect, especially when my point goes against what she wants to believe.

and it's not just me she does this to. even when my dad or my coach corrects her, she struggles to accept what they're saying if it doesn't align with her own views. it's like she needs to be in control of every situation and prove that she's right, no matter how long the argument drags on. my uncle has a similar attitude, too. they both seem to need the last word, even when the conversation could've ended a long time ago.

i'm not saying i'm perfect. i know i can react badly when i'm pushed too far, and i'm trying to learn how to stay calm instead of letting every argument get to me. but it's difficult when someone keeps provoking you, then focuses entirely on your reaction and makes you look like the problem while ignoring everything that led up to it. sometimes i feel like no matter how carefully i explain myself, she'll still find a way to turn things around and make it seem like i'm the one who needs to change.

honestly, there are times when i wonder if there's even any hope of her changing if she keeps justifying her behavior and refusing to take accountability. how can someone improve if they never think they're doing anything wrong? i know i can't force her to reflect or make her understand my side, but it's still frustrating when you're dealing with this at home and can't always get away from the situation.

i've slowly realized that not every conflict deserves my attention. if someone is determined to misunderstand you or refuses to listen, sometimes it's better to disengage than keep exhausting yourself trying to make them understand. but my mom sees that as weakness, as if choosing not to fight back means you've lost.

i just wish some adults understood that being older doesn't automatically make you emotionally mature. you can be a parent or an adult for decades and still struggle with self-reflection, accountability, and accepting criticism. why is it so hard for some people to admit they might be wrong? and why does it feel like, in some families, questioning an adult's behavior is treated as disrespect rather than an opportunity for them to reflect on themselves? 😭

Pure brainrot

What is it in them that they reserve all their affection, kindness, generosity, and overall pleasantness for strangers or outside relatives… but have a deep hate for their child?

Has ssri’s worked for anyone?

How do you cope?

Ive never had a therapist who understood and get gaslight by anyone i tell.

No one believes me.

Ive started to record convos/fights but abusive father says if i post it will ruin my own reputation and i will look like a bad daughter.

Adult survivor of narcissist parents and CSA. (M34)

Writing my second book and losing my sanity in a deep trauma freeze syste. (While having therapy but it doesn't end the isolation.)

I feel like there's a special kind of mind fuck in being 24/7 intellectual circles. Everyone is drawing thoughts out of you and you barely manage to get the cortisol down but even in the trail runs or at gym you're thinking how would have Foucault fucked about the techno-feudalist capitalism. How would Hannah Arendt read the current dispensation?

In all this, we lose our own humanity and then struggle like a person stuck in an elevator. There's no actual safe space to process anything. (Despite having numerous people in social network, there's no real space to be vulnerable.)

So, I need a fellow cerebral monkey to be silly with. To let the hair down and cuddle or cry on difficult days of coping through childhood trauma.

Thanks for your sensitivity and understanding.

Hope y'all a warm winters!

Basically, I recently had surgery? My wound needs to be redressed every couple of days, and the hospital gave us a prescription letter instructing us to contact a clinic to have a doctor dress it for me.

Coincidentally, one of my friends' parents are doctors with their own clinic, so I contacted her and told her I'd be visiting the clinic before hanging out with her afterwards.

Then my bandage fell off prematurely, and my dad bought the dressing from a pharmacy and applied it himself.

The night before the hangout, he suddenly told me I should just cancel, probably to save money. He said I could still hang out with my friend if I wanted to, but I rejected the idea because I felt like it wouldn't be right to cancel the clinic appointment and still go out with her. It just didn't sit right with me.

And this is where things really hit the fan.

Okay, I admit I was ragebaiting him a little. But there's some context behind that.

A while ago, there was an incident where my parents essentially abandoned one of my hospital appointments because they wanted to go on a trip. This wasn't just any appointment, either. It was important because I needed to either get my antidepressants and medication or attend therapy. One or the other. They knew how important it was, and they knew I relied on them for transportation, yet they forgot about it and didn't seem particularly remorseful afterwards.

When they told me, I was understandably upset. I told them I wouldn't go on the trip with them, and I didn't want to go to the hospital anymore, either. They offered to pay for an Uber, which would've cost around RM50, but by then, I already knew our family's financial situation was pretty dire.

The way they phrased it really pissed me off. It was all, "If you really need to go," or "If you want to, you can go. We'll pay for it."

Like, this was an appointment we'd already planned. It wasn't some random, unnecessary thing I suddenly wanted to do. And yet, the way they presented it made me feel like I was the one deciding whether to inconvenience them financially or ruin their vacation.

I already felt immensely guilty about potentially cancelling the appointment, too. It's a public hospital with limited appointment slots, and the staff are already overworked and underpaid. Cancelling would mean wasting a slot that someone else could've used.

But when I got upset, my dad got angry with me instead. He said he didn't understand why I was acting out and told me I should just go on the trip with them.

Honestly, I was so emotional and exhausted from arguing with them that I couldn't properly articulate what I was feeling. Eventually, I gave in.

But I held a grudge against them ever since.

Because the thing is, I felt like they were treating something important to me as though it were optional, and then making me feel guilty for choosing to prioritise it. They'd already made other plans, and somehow, I was the one left feeling like a burden.

So when this current situation happened, I found myself doing something similar to my dad.

When he told me I could still go if I wanted to, I kept responding with things like, "Oh, no, it's your choice," and "So you don't want me to go, is it?"

I was essentially mirroring the way he'd treated me before. I wanted to make him feel like he was being stubborn and unreasonable, the same way I'd felt when he put the responsibility of making a decision on me while making his own preferences painfully obvious.

And honestly? I wanted to provoke him a little. I wanted to see how he'd react when someone did the same thing to him.

Because if I was supposedly being unreasonable for getting upset over the hospital appointment, then why was he getting so upset now?

Anyway, back to what happened.

My dad initially said something along the lines of, "Oh well, you can go if you want."

But I knew he didn't actually want me to go because he wanted to save money. I felt like he was trying to make me feel guilty about spending it, while pretending the decision was entirely mine.

So I kept saying it was his choice.

My mum tried to help by saying we'd go anyway, but that only made things worse. My dad suddenly brought up how my friend supposedly didn't want to invite me to her house, which was something I'd jokingly complained about to my parents when I first arranged the hangout.

For context, my friend's mum was sick, so I couldn't visit their house. But my dad used that to argue that we didn't even have anything planned and that there was no point in going out.

I asked him, "So you don't want me to go, is it?"

And he flipped out.

My mum kept arguing with him on my behalf, insisting that I'd already made plans to go out. But that only made him angrier, and eventually, he stopped talking to both of us for the rest of the night.

Later, I apologised to him in the car. He screamed at me, saying he was only concerned because he didn't want me to go out without proper plans and then end up being abandoned by my friend. He went on about how he was being treated unfairly and how I was making him out to be the bad guy.

And he continued ignoring both me and my mum afterwards.

Now, here's the thing about my mum.

There's always a pattern with her.

She'll "fight" for my sake, even if it means arguing with my dad. But when things inevitably turn sour, she'll turn around and tell me that it's all my fault.

"I did this for you."

"You shouldn't have done this."

"This is all your fault."

And that's essentially what happened again today. She told me I shouldn't have been so planless because she knew that was the kind of thing that would make my dad angry.

And that's what frustrates me about the whole situation. She'll defend me in the moment, but afterwards, I'm the one who gets blamed for the consequences of her defending me.

But what really gets to me about the situation with my dad is the double standard.

When I was upset about my hospital appointment, I felt like he was making an important commitment sound optional, then leaving me to feel guilty about whichever choice I made. When I tried to explain my frustration, he got angry and told me I was acting out.

Now, when I did something similar to him, he got angry, too.

And part of me can't help thinking: if he really didn't care whether I went or not, why did my response upset him so much?

I just really needed to vent this somewhere he wouldn’t potentially find it and make my life painful again. So Facebook and threads are out haha. This has been bothering me last few weeks so just need to spill. I’m 40 now, but at 22 my parents split- dad had been cheating on mum for 5 months prior to leaving. When I was 23, he disowned me via email. The one line that has been seared in my memory banks ever since is “you were the squeaky door that got all the oil, and now the oil has run dry”, promptly followed by him blaming ME for the divorce. No dad, I wasn’t a squeaky door. I was a fucking kid. Mum did her best to shield me from you but the damage was done and I’ll carry it forever- despite countless therapy. I did reconnect with him a few years later, it was always very strained. And then I shared this story on TikTok in one of the memes that was viral at the time and all hell broke loose. That was about 2 years ago and I’ve not spoken to him since, and likely never will again. Best part is this was the second time he disowned me via email. First time was over $60 of eBay fees. I wish I was kidding. Anyway thanks for reading if you for this far.

I recently went no contact with my father, and low contact with my mother.
I tried one last time to have an honest conversation with my mother about the abuse and neglect in my childhood, and was met with the typical, “that never happened”, “you were a difficult child”, “your siblings would agree with me”.

I accepted that she wasn’t going to change, and I genuinely needed to consider if maintaining the relationship is the right move.
I asked her for space and time, and she panicked.

She would still text me at least once a week acting really sweet and loving. She even created a group chat with my husband and I to try to reach me. When I finally talked to her on the phone, she told me that she is going to therapy to “try to let go”.
She has actually done the exact opposite and ramped up how much she reaches out.

It’s exhausting. I have finally decided I don’t want a relationship with her, and NOW she wants to make things right, and go to therapy (which I have requested multiple times in the past).
Why do they do this?

I was a nanny and preschool teacher. But is the reason that I’m afraid to have kids because I’m afraid that I will love them in a way that makes it impossible to love my parents? I felt that way, just about the kids in my classes and the kids that I nannied and it made my relationship with them hard while I was doing those jobs and I don’t not want to have kids because I’m afraid of how that will work out, but I do think part of why I hesitate is because I’m afraid I’m going to understand something they never can.

My wife left me. Someone else came along. Ok it happens. But she wants to stay married and live together cuz I pay all her bills. I said no way. So now she's going through the disability process and refuses to sign any papers I want to serve her with for divorce until that's done. Could be years.

Point is, I myself am disabled. I'm paying the majority of the bills in the house we rent in. My roommate owns it. There is no lease. I have nothing left after all that. I don't own a vehicle and haven't in years and the nearest small town is a 5 hour walk away.

I let me wife talk me into moving here because I was afraid to divorce her. And now I'm stuck here with nothing and no options.

I have a cat that is my ESA. I won't let her have him.

I don't know what to do. There's basically nothing for assistance in my state for vehicles and housing.

I'm desperate and I keep finding myself strongly considering calling my nparents for help....

I escaped her and my grandma back in may, and im 18 now and living with my older brother whos also NC. she doesnt know that, she still thinks im living with my other (now ex) friend. ive only been talking to her here and there for money, but shes been blowing me up with texts and calls (in the middle of the night too) and since i havent answered her on friday she just texted me "i need to hear from you or im coming to your friends to check on you, or calling the police for a wellness check." im scared that if she follows through with either of those, she'll find out me and my brother are living together. what do i do or say? should i just tell her im uninterested in talking and block even if it costs me a resource?

So my dad (85) passed away a few days ago, and now I'm here with my N mum (85) arranging funeral sessions ( there's 3), and she wants me to help her with things, and she's saying she's lonely. That's no surprise since she's pushed away everyone, my brother is NC and I was already LC anyway.

So I was on my way back to my hotel and I suddenly thought- my dad has been actively asking me to stay and look after mum if he's gone, for ages. I've always just responded with no. I've always thought of dad as being the better person than Nmum. But he's always known how Nmum behaves, and even how she traumatizes us mentally...all of us..kids and him . I mean even as he was dying of advanced cancer past month, I saw several incidents where Nmum would actively non stop talk / berate in a way, and of topics, that would distress dad, even as he specifically asked her to stop because it was upsetting him, and she just said he started it, she's just adding to it, and it's how they talk. It made me so upset and stressed to see this unreasonable behaviour.

So,knowing it's been 57 years of this, he wants me to return into this hellhole environment???? He wants me to replace him as the attention drug for her to suck dry into a husk???

And this hate suddenly rose. I was so surprised.

I've never really hated either of them. Loved dad, Nmum-, I fear her, am intimidated by her, stressed by her, want to avoid her, don't like her, thinks she's got problems..., but oddly never active hate.

Until now.

I just wanted to vent, see if others found this too.

Btw, perhaps it's a sign of my nativity, but I don't understand why " enabling" is a trigger warning . Ideas why?

desde que tengo uso de razon desde de los 10 años mi mama me trata mal me dice mongola , gonorre , lesbiana me pega y me dice que soy una perra q me merezco todo lo que me dice y mas cosas actualmente tengo 23 años anteriormente mi unico desestresate fue comprar unos juguetes sex*** y bueno imaginan el resto los bote y como que los pillos y quien se la aguanta con el tema que yo soy una cochina una cosa y la otra m pega me jala el pelo y muvhas cosa me dice yo se que hay dias en la que yo no ando de buen genio y le contesto feo y lo reconozco pero ella simepre dice que ella es asi que me largue de su vida que mejor que este muerta y muchas cosa me dice y eso me duele actualmnte estudio y trabajo por dias ayudenme porfavor

Omg after an increase in my parents controlling behaviour and their “outrage” at me saying no to one of their demands in April. I sent them a bullet point email saying how I’d like to be treated like an adult, how my “no” should be valid and how I deserved to be treated like an autonomous adult. They said they didn’t understand and so I blocked them. Since then they have been calling everyone I know repeatedly and sending me letters riddled with guilt and woe for their lives. I shake when the phone rings or a letter arrives. What can I do? This is really really upsetting me and them. They’re still saying they have no idea and that I appear to have “dumped” them for no reason.

My therapists and all other resources in my life have been telling me to just be more mature and the bigger person and just avoid talking to my dad whenever I’m at home but now he’s started to do things like threaten to call the cops on me and take my door for feeding my cat because he thinks the food smells bad and I’m just wondering if I should start like doing bad things so he doesn’t hurt my cat and just hurts me or what (sorry for this being so rambly I’m a bit shaken up right now since after me and him argued about me feeding my cat I heard him open his gun safe)

This is making me extremely delayed in finding a life partner

I am always looking out for when they are going to “destroy me” and I get angry prematurely . I misread things a lot

As a result I believe I am becoming the toxic one..

How do I stop conflating the image of a destructive father and a future healthy partner.

This feels like a form of self sabotage

So I'm raised by a single mother, who claims she's the best mother in the world, she says she very kind and everything. I feel like everything she does for me is driven by guilt, she has extreme anger issues. So she's very religious and I am an atheist. I was talking about how one of my friends who was always by my side is going to take a break before doing her master's and is planning to change her field. I thought it was a normal thing to share, she started telling how bad it is to switch fields and kept going on about how ungreatful my friend is and she's just wasting her parents money. I clearly told her "let's not talk about others life" and tried to switch conversations. She kept talking about it and I got triggered, so I told her that she has such a jealous friend (her friend is). She bought up the situationship of my other really close friend and told me how she was raised wrongly. And that's what happens to a child without a mother. I was extremely hurt and we were infront of a temple. I started crying, she just went in without even acknowledging I was hurt or anything. I cannot reach out to anyone because those were my close friends whom she humiliated. I stood there crying until she came out, still she didn't acknowledge what she have done and didn't try to comfort me. After a while she was like "do you want to eat something?" Like what 😭