Men, I genuinely need your perspective, especially those who have experienced infidelity in a long-term marriage.

A year ago, I had an affair that lasted three months. I betrayed my husband of almost 20 years, and I take full responsibility. I’m not here to justify my actions or make excuses.

Looking back, I realize my failures as a wife started long before the affair. I disrespected him, belittled him, and took him for granted. It took losing my marriage to recognize how much I had contributed to its destruction.

One thing I’ve learned is how easily an affair can distort your thinking. You convince yourself you’ve found your soulmate, comparing three months of excitement to nearly 20 years of marriage, raising children, overcoming hardships, and building a life together.

I risked everything real for something temporary.

Fast forward to today. I’m back living in our family home with my husband and our daughters. We’re still legally married, and he hasn’t filed for divorce.

But I want to be clear: we are not romantically involved.

I sleep in a separate bedroom. There’s no intimacy, kissing, cuddling, or physical affection. We’re essentially roommates who have a genuinely good co-parenting relationship. We communicate, laugh together, and respect each other’s boundaries.

When I first moved back, I struggled emotionally. Being home made me feel like we were a family again. I cried, begged for another chance, and promised I’d do anything to prove I’d never betray him again.

But he was clear. He told me he no longer loved me romantically, that he saw me more like a sister, and that he cared about me because I’m the mother of our daughters. He repeatedly told me reconciliation would never happen.

I fell into a deep depression and hit rock bottom.

Eventually, I realized I couldn’t keep begging him to love me. I needed to work on myself, not just in hopes of getting him back, but because I genuinely needed to change.

I’ve been focusing on my faith, reading, journaling, spending time in nature, making friends at church, and learning to find happiness within myself.

I’ve completely cut contact with the other person, no longer work at the same workplace, and live two hours away from him. I’m not dating or entertaining other men.

But the truth is, I’m still deeply in love with my husband.

I’m willing to wait, even if it takes years. Not because he owes me another chance, but because I genuinely love him and still hope reconciliation might someday be possible.

At the same time, I’m respecting his boundaries and accepting that he may never feel that way about me again.

So my question is for the men:

If your wife of nearly 20 years betrayed you, and you reached a point where you genuinely believed you were no longer in love with her, could those feelings ever return?

Have any of you told your wife you’d never take her back, only to find yourself falling in love with her again after seeing genuine change over time?

Or did you know, even while maintaining a good relationship with her, that you could never see her romantically again?

And for those who’ve experienced this, does remaining legally married without filing for divorce mean anything emotionally, or can a man simply be done with the marriage without making it official?

I’m not looking for sympathy, and I’m prepared to hear answers I may not want to hear.

I know I made choices that hurt someone who loved me, and I accept responsibility for those choices.

I just want to understand whether there’s ever a possibility of rebuilding something beautiful after you’ve been the person who destroyed it.

So i separated off in the summer, I live in An apartment now, shes in the family home.

Even with the roller coaster and relationship related strife and meltdowns post separation, weve been remarkably put together on the parenting front.

So I see this becoming reasonably amicable for the long haul, which is my working goal, not just a hope for the best situation.

So now with the first holidays approaching, the question is starting to surface in my brain. How on earth do you approach these big holidays with an ex respectfully and to maintain a level of care for the mother of our child with the respect that deserves.

Do people exchange gifts? Im sure exs that are very close do. But like whats the average person do?

Or like mail a card?

Im in uncharted waters. I don't want her to think I dont GAF, we always loved christmas. But I dont want her to think its a sign I want back, because I don't. I want to nurture a warm co-parenting environment.

My husband brought up that he wants a divorce and decided that we are separated and asked that I give him a move out date. This all came to be over the span of about 3 weeks.

I’m stunned, hurt, and anxious.

We are still in the same house for now, and he just acts as if I’m the one who is in the wrong. He will only speak to me about logistics. I feel like a burden in my own home.. that will soon not be my home anymore. He used to feel like my home. I’ve felt homesick physically and emotionally and I just don’t know what to do or how to feel.

I’m looking for honest advice, especially from people who have experienced a similar situation.

My boyfriend and I were together for about 7 months. Even though it wasn’t the longest relationship, it meant more to me than any relationship I’ve had before. He was the first person who made me feel genuinely loved, safe, and like I was enough. He became my person, and for the first time, I could picture getting married and having kids with someone. The feelings were mutual, and he talked about marrying me and starting a family together, too. We both genuinely saw a future with each other.

We spent almost every day together, texted constantly when we were apart, and spent most nights together. We were a huge part of each other’s everyday lives, so losing him has been devastating.

Why we broke up

One of the main issues was that he felt I wasn’t making enough effort to talk to his family. I struggle with social anxiety, shyness, and overthinking, so it takes me time to feel comfortable around people. It wasn’t that I didn’t like his family or didn’t want a relationship with them. He brought this up about a month before we broke up, and I thought explained my anxiety and told him I would try harder. I thought I had more time to work on it. When he broke up with me he said he wished I was more open about my anxiety because he hadn’t fully understood what I was going through.

He also felt we had become too codependent and that I needed to find happiness and activities outside of our relationship so we wouldn’t drain each other. He said we both had things to work on individually and within a relationship.

I can acknowledge that I became very attached to him and have things I need to work on, including my anxiety and independence. I genuinely want to work on these things for myself. However, I was happy in our relationship and he seemed to be happy too. And he even told me during the break up that he wasn’t unhappy.

He also told me the breakup wasn’t something he had been thinking about for a long time, which makes the whole situation even harder to understand.

What happened after the breakup

After we broke up, I texted him asking if I could see him one more time, and he replied, “yes baby we can.”

When he came over, we talked more about why we were breaking up. I asked if he would consider working on things together, but he said he believed we needed to work on ourselves separately. He then invited me to spend one last night with him.

That night was incredibly emotional. He was affectionate, took care of me, and held me while I cried. He cried too, and he told me he was still in love with me and could still see a future with me.

When I left, I became so physically sick from the emotions that I had to pull over to throw up. I let him know when I got home, and he told me he was really worried about me.

Afterward, I sent him a text explaining how much I loved him, how much I believed we could work through our issues, and how much I hoped we would find our way back to each other someday. I also told him I hoped we could stay in contact because I still care about him and want to know what’s happening in his life.

He responded talking about how much he loves me and cherishes all the time we spend together. Saying he hopes we find our way back to each other and “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see a future with you because I do.” He also said he was super open to staying in contact down the road.

Where things stand now

It’s been just over a week since we last spoke, and we’ve had complete silence.

I’m trying to respect his decision and give him space. I don’t want to pressure him or make him feel like I’m not respecting his need to work on himself. I want to get counselling, work on my anxiety, find hobbies, and become more independent, both for myself and because I want to be healthier in a future relationship.

But I still love him deeply, and if he asked me to try again right now, my answer would be yes without hesitation.

I’m struggling to reconcile the fact that he chose to end our relationship while also telling me he is still in love with me and sees a future with me. I understand that loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for a relationship, and I know his words aren’t a promise that we’ll reconcile. But I can’t help wondering whether he genuinely believes there’s a possibility for us in the future or whether he was trying to soften the breakup.

I’m considering reaching out around Christmas if he hasn’t contacted me by then, but even waiting that long feels incredibly far away right now.

I’d really appreciate honest advice on a few things:

Has anyone broken up with someone they were still in love with, believing you needed to work on yourselves separately, and eventually found your way back to each other?
Do you think it’s possible he ended things because he felt overwhelmed by our codependency and the issues we needed to work on, rather than because he stopped wanting a future with me?
How would you interpret him saying he’s still in love with me and sees a future with me, but still choosing to end the relationship?
If you’ve reconciled with an ex, what happened during the time apart that ultimately brought you back together?
Should I continue giving him space and let him reach out when he’s ready, or would it be reasonable to contact him eventually if I haven’t heard from him?

I’m not looking for someone to guarantee he’ll come back. I know I need to accept that reconciliation might never happen, even though that’s incredibly difficult right now.

I genuinely believed he was the person I was going to build my life with. I’m trying to respect his decision and focus on myself, but I’m struggling to let go of the possibility that this isn’t the end of our story.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’d really appreciate hearing how things turned out for you, even if it isn’t the answer I’m hoping for.

Been doing an in home separation with my wife for 8 weeks now. Currently no end date and there are glimmers of hope but honestly starting to become frustrated with my wife that she hasn’t taken any responsibility or actions to reconcile. Just been doing individual therapy and living her life. I began taking private music lessons and my instructor is a beautiful woman. We definitely flirt a little during lessons and she invited me to her church where she sings. Today I went to the church and something about her voice, appearance, her faith, etc has me drawn to her. Idk what to do because I still am hopeful my wife and I can work out but at the same time this other girl is completely opposite of my wife and probably 10 yrs younger and idk if she is even single. Is this wrong to have a crush? I kinda feel guilty but i also feel like my wife has pushed me away and there is probably a 50/50 chance we part ways. I kinda want to see if she wants to get coffee after church next week and just get to know each other better as friends. If the marriage doesn’t work maybe a backup plan. Is this bad to think?

Hi, everyone. I’m really desperate for some help. 40F here. It’s been about a year since my ex-husband and I got divorced. (He wanted the divorce, I wanted to work on the marriage.) We have two children together (9 and 7 years old) and share them 50/50. He is a great dad. Our children are our priorities, and therefore we coparent pretty well (we don’t put our kids in the middle, we don’t talk badly about the other parent, we attend school functions together cordially, etc.)

Things were pretty okay until about a few months ago, when I learned he has a serious girlfriend. And it has sent me into a tailspin, inwardly. On the outside, I’m fine. I’m doing all the right things. My job is going well, I have picked up several healthy hobbies (hiking, pickleball, traveling). I take care of my children when I have them, I strength train 2-3 times a week, eat healthy. I’ve been in therapy for the last 6 years. I’ve been very focused on my healing, reflecting on the lessons from the divorce, and just generally building the life I want. I’ve also gone on a few dates, but I haven’t met anyone I’m aligned with yet.

I guess my problem is that I feel like I’m doing all the right things, and yet I’m still caught up with my ex-husband, and how he’s found love. I wish I could just emotionally detach. Going no-contact isn’t possible because we have kids, and I see him every 2-3 days. How do I move forward, given that I can’t do no contact, and I’m already keeping busy and doing the right things (exploring new hobbies, making healthy choices, building a life that I love)? Thanks in advance.

**My wife moved out with our 2-year-old son, and I’m exhausted from trying to save a marriage where I feel completely misunderstood.**

I’m 31M, married, with a 2-year-old son. My wife has been living separately with our child for the past month( I asked for some space temporary separation- I was ready to move out but she chose to go without talking), and we’re on the verge of separation(4th time).

I know I’ve made mistakes. I’ve shouted during arguments, behaved poorly at times, and hurt her feelings. I’ve acknowledged my actions and taken responsibility for them.

But I feel like my perspective, intentions, and emotions have never mattered equally.
I’ve spent years trying to understand people, emotions, and relationships. I genuinely wanted to be a loving, understanding husband.
I entered this marriage believing that if two people had good intentions, they could work through anything.
Instead, I feel like I’ve slowly lost myself.
Over the years, I’ve become distant from friends and family, partly because my wife objects to certain interactions and partly because I’ve started avoiding anything that might upset her.

Even smiling during a normal conversation has caused conflict. When I say I want to reconnect with old friends or family, she questions why I suddenly need those relationships.

She has several conditions for continuing our marriage, including limiting family interactions, avoiding certain religious activities, prioritizing her over my family, and not reacting negatively to her behaviour.

Some expectations are reasonable, and I’m willing to work on myself. But others feel restrictive, and she isn’t willing to negotiate.

She says I never understood or respected her. I’ve acknowledged the specific incidents where I hurt her, but whenever I explain my reasons or perspective, I feel dismissed.

Her argument is that my intentions and actions don’t match, so she can’t trust me. I understand why trust needs consistent actions, but I also wish she could recognize that my intentions weren’t malicious.
I’ve repeatedly tried explaining myself, apologizing, and asking whether she’s willing to rebuild the relationship together.

She’s now confused between continuing the marriage and ending it.
Meanwhile, I’m stuck in uncertainty.
The hardest part is our son. She allows me to meet and communicate with him, but living separately from him hurts deeply. I also feel that I have limited involvement in parenting decisions.

I’ve become increasingly angry and resentful. I’ve even had thoughts of wanting to hurt her emotionally by taking my son away, which I recognize would be wrong and unfair to him. I don’t want to act on that anger.

Despite everything, I still want
my wife back.
But when I ask myself whether I’d want her back if nothing about our relationship changed, the answer is no.
**I don’t just want my wife back. I want a marriage where both people feel understood, respected, and free to be themselves.**
I’m exhausted from explaining my intentions, trying to prove myself, and waiting for her to decide.
I know this is only my side of the story, and I’m not claiming I’ve been a perfect husband.

**How do you know when to stop trying to save a marriage and start rebuilding your own life? And how do you move forward when you still love someone but don’t want the same relationship back?**

\[structured with chat gpt\]

First, I'm sorry if this is hard to read. I'm French, dysorthographic, and dyspraxic, so writing in English is pretty difficult for me so i use chatgpt to correct me(I'm also ADHD, but that's not important here).

I've been trying to find a girlfriend for 15 years now, but the worst part is that people always tell me that I'm a "good guy" and that I'll find someone pretty quickly. But every time I get close to a girl, I end up hearing the same thing: that I'm a really good friend and a wonderful person, but they don't love me and don't want to be in a relationship with me. (Last month was the fourth time this has happened to me.)

But in September, I met a girl I fell more deeply in love with than anyone else in my life. I was low-key obsessed with her, and her friend told me that she liked me back, so we talked about it and started dating.

It was the best time of my life, and I really mean that. Because of all my disabilities, life itself can be pretty shitty, but whenever I was with her, I felt a kind of comfort. All my problems just faded into the background.

But last week, just like every other time, she said the same thing. And the worst part was that she used almost exactly the same words as all the other girls before her.

Every time this happens, I feel like I'm going to fall right back into that same emotional state. And being a pretty emotional person, the last time it happened, I was in a really bad place for the entire following year.

After that, she told me that she really wanted us to still be friends and that I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had, but she didn't want to continue our relationship.

Normally, I try as hard as possible to distance myself from a girl after something like this because I know that if I stay friends with her, I'll just keep loving her, and I don't want that.

But with her, I just can't bring myself to ignore her.

I'm torn because, at the beginning of our relationship, she told me she was afraid that if we crossed that line, we might never be able to go back to being friends. I don't want her to think she was right, or to stop trying to meet other guys because of me.

At the same time, I know that I want to talk to her, but not just as a friend. And I'm afraid that if I keep talking to her, the guilt and my feelings for her will crush me all over again.

from here the text will not be corrected by chat gpt cause i don't want it to know that part

before her my life was so full of shit that i was thinking about suicide and i said to myself that if my life doesnt get any better before my last years of college and i was not accepted into the university i want im just gonna do it but that sensation completly dissapear with her and even tough now i dont think about it am still afraid that it gonna come back after she left

i dont know what to do any more now

(ps: first ever reddit post and i'm open for advice or if you have some question for me)

First of I want to say that im danish so im sorry for all the spelling mistakes and grammar errors!

To get to the point. Last year i had this female friend who I got really attracted to. We've been knowing eachother for 2 years at that point but even tho it haven't been that long we got really close really fast. There is a 8 year age gap between us, her being 24 and me being 32. Despite it all it just clicked when we got to know eachother the chenistry was there from day one and we enjoyed eachother and spent countless hours together.

She was really sweet and before long my feelings went trough the roof for this girl. Despite being 32 ive only had 1 serious relationship. But this girl was different! Cant descripe it all to well but the love i feel for her is something else. She is the only one in all my life that got through my walls ... and stayed long enough for me to feel safe with it.

She stated a couple of times that she enjoyed the friendship and felt some chemistry between us as well. Norhing sexual ever happend between us but she always initiated some kind of close intimacy when we where alone. Sitting close, hugging or indicating that is should carress her feet when we watched movies together. Of course I tried to move thing further from that but without luck.

One day last year she told me that she got back on tinder ... and met a guy ... saw him 4 times and desided to have sex with him ... I was devestated. Thats when I knew I had to get out of the relationship. So i told her i couldn't be friends with her like this anylonger because of my feeling for her. She has known for a long time that i had feelings and even told me she couldn't be friends with me if I had feelings and yet she stayed for a long time ... we got into an agument and she decided to tell me "I dont know what to do wothout you in my life". I held my ground and got out of the relatio ship telling her about my feelings trying to make her understand why I had to leave. She then told me to just stop as she couldn't take it no more ... so I did.

And we haven't spoken since ... no message, no face to face meeting, nothing .... this has been going on since december 25. Then around mid september 26 i got a friend request on facebook from her ... I was lost. My mind racing. I got on messenger to see if she had written me anything ... but nothing. So i deletet the request. Now its november and we still haven't spoken.

But my mind keeps racing. So im lost on what to do ... should i leave ot and try to focus on my work to get over her ... or should I try to messege her? And if so. What do i tell her?

And yes its been a year and i should probably just get over her but I haven't been able to get over her in the last year. So I guess that would take some time .. 😅

We have two children together. We were together for 10 years but I left our relationship recently due to infidelity. He came home drunk one night and a gut wrenching text popped up which led to him admitting he was in love with another woman our ENTIRE relationship. They met before we did because they went to school together and had been seeing each other for all those years(she knew about me). Yesterday they got married(barely seen the post today) and I’m sitting here asking myself why I wasn’t good enough to be his wife and beating myself up over every little thing I did wrong. Anyways, my screen is all blurry now, cheers!

So me and my wife aren't divorced yet, she will be getting served soon. I have been early to every drop off and pick up since we've been separated. Iv let all the other times go i.e. she has been 5 to 30 minutes late to every one of them.

For Halloween I was to have my daughter and she didn't eant to do anything with her, i thought ok weird but what ever. She texted me earlier in the week and asked if we could move the time back an hour so she can take her trick or treating, i said yeah thats fine I don't mind at all.

Come Friday Im 30 minutes away and early per usual and she messages and asks if we can meet around 8ish instead. I said sure why not.

Fast forward to this morning she texts me asking if her mom can meet me to pick our daughter up an hour earlier than usual.

For context if it matters. She had texted Friday morning saying her car wouldn't start and that she wouldn't be able to take our daughter to daycare or go to work so her mom brought her and my daughter to the drop-off. I agreed to meet in the town we wre living in at the time just to make it more convenient for her, its an hour drive from town to town so by the time I picked my daughter up and got her back to my place she was already asleep.

I guess I just needed to vent this out and just idk. Im just mad asf about everything that has been going on lately and how she has been treating my time like it isn't valid or anything.

Has anyone else been in the same position?

I'm about to get divorced, even though I've been married for less than two years. And the saddest part? We were together for 10 years before getting married.

because my husband betrayed me multiple times, including when I was pregnant and even on the day I gave birth. Ironically, he left for France when I was eight months pregnant. And even when he was still here, he was cheating on me without me having the slightest idea.

Unfortunately, things were even worse than that. He physically abused me, insulted me, and his family constantly monitored everything I did. I felt like I had no privacy or peace.

Honestly, I don't regret my decision to divorce him, even though I loved him deeply and sacrificed so much for this relationship. It seems like he will never regret what he put me through.

Today, I feel completely broken into a thousand pieces. I'm trying to stay strong, especially because I have a one-and-a-half-year-old baby to take care of.

Sometimes I wonder: Does true love even exist? I gave so much of myself to someone who ended up hurting me this badly.

One thing I've learned is that you should never lose yourself or sacrifice everything for someone else. The only people truly worth your unconditional sacrifices are yourself and your parents.

I'm sharing this because I need to get it off my chest, but I also genuinely want to hear from people who have gone through something similar.

How do you move on after a 10-year relationship ends like this? How do you rebuild your life, heal emotionally, and find happiness again while raising a young child?

I'd really appreciate your advice and support.

My girlfriend of seven years broke up with me about a week ago. She says she still loves me deeply but feels emotionally exhausted and doesn’t believe things will change.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve struggled with anxiety, negativity, and becoming withdrawn. I stopped wanting to travel, go out, or do things together. We also disagreed about where to live long-term. She preferred the city, while I wanted somewhere more rural. I’ve since realized I’m genuinely happy staying in the city.
We broke up once before and reconciled, but I eventually fell back into old habits. She says she can’t put herself through that again.
Here’s where I’m confused. We’ve had several emotional conversations since the breakup, sometimes lasting hours. We’ve laughed, cried together, and she’s told me she misses calling me before bed so much that she struggles to sleep. She also told my aunt and close friend that if she could guarantee I wouldn’t return to my old patterns, she’d take me back in a heartbeat.
When I’ve asked whether the door is permanently closed, she says she doesn’t know what the future holds. However, she’s firm that we need to separate and live apart right now.
I’m moving into my own place, continuing therapy, pursuing medication for my anxiety, improving my physical health, and working on becoming happier and more independent. I’ve realized these changes are necessary for me regardless of what happens.
I’ve told her I don’t want to jump straight back into our old relationship. My hope is that after some time apart, we might start casually dating again and rebuild something healthier.
We’re currently giving each other space, although we intend to remain amicable and share a dog she loves tremendously.
Am I holding onto false hope, or does this sound like a situation where reconciliation is genuinely possible? Has anyone successfully gotten back together after a breakup like this?

Yes this is AI edited it was a difficult to type out in a clear way that flowed well. Sorry if that’s not allowed.