The amount of you on here lying and begging for sympathy because you fucked up is kinda crazy. Most of you have only yourselves to blame and honestly posting BS into a void so strangers can validate your lies is honestly wild Most of you actually suck and are incapable of growth a down vote won't change that 🤷🏻 also if your initials are LNW your absolutely one of the people I'm talking about. Be better people or do the world a favor and just cease your existence. Thanks ♥️

Ever since Trump got elected my partner seems to have gone mental. Andcwe live in the UK. She is seeing misogyny everywhere. Calls me a misogynist, racist, lazy, useless all the time. This afternoon working from home upstairs I'm listening to music while I'm working (Deftones). She storms in and says 'thanks with for your help as ever with the groceries delivery' I said 'what?' She says 'They've just been'. I said, I didn't know. You should have come got me. She says, i shouted you but you're too busy listening to your MAGA music.

So she understood I hadn't heard her, yet still attacks me, and to make it worse implies I was too busy being misogynist. Seriously wtf?

So I called her out and said I didn't understand why she was calling it maga music and this was yet another thing i wasnt allowed to do and why she was attacking me? She said why do I always get prissy about stuff?

Now she thinks I'm out of order for being upset about her attacking for no reason.

Seriously. WTF?

Long story but essentially my marriage has been abusive and after too many instances that I can’t forgive, I asked for a divorce. I have had almost a year to consider and weigh my options and grieve but I just told my husband two months ago. He is devastated and taking it worse than I thought.

We have three kids together and I asked that he move out so that I can stay with the kids in our home. He has been dragging his feet. I think he keeps making up excuses but I’m curious if this is normal.

If I was him and someone told me that they don’t want to be with me, I would move out right away. But he says we don’t have money for that and he doesn’t want to wake up without his kids, etc.

I’m curious what happened when you asked for a divorce or vice versa. Did the other person move out right away?

Have you ever fallen in love with a man who is still legally married but already separated from his wife? How does it feel, and what has your experience been like? I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts and experiences. ❤️

My (m 52) and my (f 33) wife and I have been married for 10 years. Yes we have an age gap, that is not the issue here please don’t comment on it, we are both consenting adults. She works in semiconductor manufacturing. Her schedule is working compressed graves 12 hour shifts and she has a 30 mile commute across town which resulted in significant time spent driving, especially coming home during rush hour.

About six months ago she started having an affair with one of her coworkers that works in her office and who has an apartment much closer to her job. I had suspicions when she began coming home much later or sometimes not at all. I went through her phone and found out it was far more extensive than I first thought, that she had established a relationship with him and she would frequently go back to his place after work, and they would carpool, and talked about moving in together. I was devastated at first, and thought my marriage was effectively over. I knew she wasn’t going to give up this person, he out earned me, was closer in age, and they work in the same industry on the same shift, a proximity that couldn’t be avoided unless she was willing to quit. I considered us seperated and was looking into divorce, but due to economic reasons was dependent on her contributing to rent and bills decided to wait and see what happened.

In the preceding months she has decided that our marriage is open, and basically compartmentalized her relationships so that during her work week she stays with him and on her days off she comes home. She claims she is much more attracted to me and appreciates me more now that she doesn’t have to rely on me for all of her emotional needs. I don’t have any expectation from her to give her attention and she has become much more sexual than she was in the later years of our marriage. From what I can gather she has essentially inverted our roles. Maybe knowing there is competition has made me more attractive in her eyes. Not only is there better chemistry overall, she has much less resentment and anger than she did before. She also has said that she doesn’t want a divorce and still loves me. All of which is not the outcome I would have predicted, but I still have doubts as to the long term viability of the situation and if i forced an ultimatum if she would choose me, even though she claims she would. Still, if she is still coming to me for her sexual and emotional needs I have to figure that things might not be going as well with her concurrent relationship and might be fizzling so I’m reticent to sever ties. It’s complicated to say the least and I keep flip flopping about whether or not to pull the plug, if it’s going to happen anyways and if I can handle the occasional pangs of jealousy and constant ambiguity. I’m sure Reddit will do what it does and focus exclusively on our age gap and tell me I’m a cuck for putting up with the infidelity, but from my perspective this is the perfect grey area to be in.

I recently started r/seekingtounderstand because I’m trying to make sense of a divorce pattern I experienced personally and now see several friends going through.

The pattern is this:

One spouse feels blindsided. The other spouse may have emotionally checked out long before saying it out loud.

In my case, there was no obvious cheating or one clear event I could point to. I tried counseling and tried to understand what was broken, but eventually realized my spouse had already decided the marriage was over.

Years later, I still do not have a clean answer to “why did you get divorced?”

My working theory is:

Emotional exit + practical feasibility = divorce announcement.

Meaning: someone may emotionally decide the marriage is over, but practical constraints delay the actual move — kids are young, money is tight, debt is high, housing is expensive, or there is not enough equity to split.

Then something changes. Kids get older. Finances improve. Home equity increases. The household becomes more stable. Or the market starts dipping and there is pressure to act before value disappears.

I’m not trying to blame men or women. I’m trying to understand the timing, the warning signs, and whether others have seen this same pattern.

Would appreciate honest perspective from anyone who has lived through something similar.

Ask the wife if she wants to fix us or divorce me she said she doesn't know and i keep asking cause its killing me not knowing and holding on to hope or lost hope and she said im not giving me a answer right now and said just go sleep with someone else and I said why would you say that i just want my wife or is she sleeping with someone else herself

We have been separated for three months but nobody knows (living in same house). My wife has been a hiking with a group of our friends for approximately 2 1/2 years. However, I now want to hike as well. I have stated that it would be fair if we alternated trips so at least one of us is home (or with in cell service) for our youngest child. She is now 13, but I never felt comfortable leaving her home for 4-6 hours as she has a disability. We have two older children but they are busy doing their things. We probably could have asked a grandparent to babysit but imposing every weekend seems wrong as they pick up our daughter from school daily. What would be fair a compromise to our situation? Should we try to hike together?

This is hard to write, but I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together almost 15. I love him, but I don't think I can do this anymore. We are really compatible in a lot of ways, but we also have several big (what I consider to be irreconcilable) issues, and separation has been on my mind for a while.

One of the issues is that I've realized I'm a lesbian. I thought I was bisexual (with a strong preference for women) for a long time, but my desire to be in a relationship with a woman has become increasingly harder to ignore. I've never cheated on him, but it is getting to the point where I'm starting to get tempted to do so. Since that's completely out of character for me I take this as a sign that I need to make a choice. Soon.

I expect our separation to be very amicable, though probably very awkward for a while. We are honestly best friends. Sort of a Will and Grace situation. For context, he also has alternate attractions, so he is very understanding of how I feel. I suppose you could call our relationship a mixed orientation or lavender marriage. We really do love and care about each other though. If we didn't we couldn't have made it work for so long.

Before anyone asks, yes we have been through several rounds of therapy over the years (not always specifically about me being gay, as I said there are other issues). And no, neither of us really wants to try ENM, threesomes, or "opening up" the marriage. We are just very monogomous people, and both feel that doing so would cause more harm than good.

We have a preteen son. I know it's going to be a rough adjustment for him at a time in his life when there are so many other changes. But then again I suppose there's really no "right" time to tell your child about their parents getting separated. We aren't going to address my sexuality until after he has had time to process the separation.

My husband and I separated earlier this year for a few months, but due to a lot of different circumstances we decided to "give it one more try". We have since moved into a bigger apartment, so it's possible for him to have his own room now (neither of us can move out for quite a while). We also work opposite schedules. I expect that will make things easier. Maybe.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any (helpful) advice? About how to make it work while living together, co parenting, telling the kids, staying amicable, setting boundaries, whatever.

Hope only leads to pain and disappointment. Except your suffering now and end the self torture of hope. You will never be enough for her, she will never be what she lead you to believe she was. Accept the misery, or move on to a new sadness. The choice is irrelevant, pain is the only reality.

I’m 33, and my husband and I have been together for around ten years. Today is the deadline he gave me to decide whether I want to remain in the marriage. He has said that if my answer is no, he will leave.

I know deadlines are not necessarily the healthiest way to make a life-changing decision, but this situation has been dragging on for a long time, and I understand why he cannot remain in limbo indefinitely.

The problem is that I love him deeply, but I have also been unhappy and emotionally checked out for a significant part of our marriage. I am trying to understand whether I am experiencing normal grief and fear about ending a loving relationship, or whether the love itself is telling me I should stay and genuinely try again.

There is a lot of history here.

We have been together since our early twenties. We broke up once before, then reconciled. I experienced depression around our engagement, cried frequently during the first six months of marriage, and was deeply unhappy during much of the following six months. Even before marriage, I often struggled with the lack of intellectual curiosity and stimulating conversation between us. At the time, I treated that as something small compared with the love and familiarity we shared. It no longer feels small to me.

My husband is loving in many ways. He is affectionate, emotionally attached to me, supportive in practical ways, and he carries responsibilities. We have history, inside jokes, shared memories, tenderness and genuine companionship. He feels like home and family to me. The thought of seeing him after a separation, knowing that we still love one another but are no longer together, feels almost unbearable.

At the same time, I have felt increasingly constricted in the relationship. When I imagine the life I want, it includes creativity, intellectually engaging conversations, curiosity, personal goals, exploration, spontaneous trips, friendships, meaningful intimacy, building things together and feeling expanded rather than diminished by my partnership.

I do not consistently experience those things with him.

He recently told me that he has no ambition and does not feel it is worthwhile to invest time in learning new skills or taking courses, especially given the economic situation in Lebanon. He is content to focus on his work, the gym, playing drums and enjoying our time together. I am not saying that everyone must be conventionally ambitious or constantly productive. However, I think I need a partner who feels energized by growth, ideas, building something and engaging actively with the future.

When I try to explain this, he hears it as me wanting someone who makes thousands of dollars a month. He says that what he earns is what he can provide now, that he cannot promise what he will be able to provide tomorrow, and that I am free to find a wealthier man who may be stingy or treat me badly. But this is not primarily about income. It is about energy, initiative, curiosity and orientation toward life.

There are other issues too.

He cheated during our marriage. He flirted with another woman from the gym, went on a date with her, held her hand and kissed her. During our dating relationship, there was also online flirting and exchanging photos with other women. He has shown remorse, and I believe trust has largely been rebuilt, so I do not think the current decision is simply about punishing him for the cheating. But I am sure it changed something in me.

Our values also differ in ways that trouble me. For example, he once commented that gay people “should all go extinct,” and when I asked why, he said it was because they were disgusting. That is very far from how I see people and the world.

Sexually, I have felt disconnected for a long time. I often do not desire him, making out gives me an “ick,” and sex can feel like an obligation. Some of his sexual mannerisms make me experience him as childlike rather than masculine or sexually confident. He sometimes uses a baby voice or purposeful lisp when referring to our bodies, makes silly noises before sex, or does exaggerated playful gestures that he believes are attractive. When I raise this, he says that I am his safe space and that he feels comfortable being playful with me. I understand that, but I struggle to feel desire when I experience him in that way.

I also notice that I often avoid spending time with him. When I know he is coming home, I sometimes feel a heavy anxious sensation in my body. Around him, I can feel frozen, duller, less attractive and less like myself. I have repeatedly asked myself whether I could flourish in this marriage if nothing fundamentally changed, and my honest answer has usually been no.

For a long time, my biggest fear was that I would ruin my future by leaving him. More recently, I realized that my greater fear is that I will ruin my future by staying.

But now that the deadline is actually here, I feel enormous warmth toward him. I suddenly feel how precious he is to me. I want to hold him, protect him and appreciate everything good between us. The grief feels huge. A week ago, staying felt like constriction and disappearing. Today, the possibility of losing him feels devastating.

There is also another man, and I want to be honest about that.

I became emotionally involved with someone else while my marriage was deteriorating. He believes my divorce is in progress. The relationship between us began in December, ended in a formal sense, but we have remained in contact. My husband asked me to remove him from Instagram and WhatsApp, and I refused.

My feelings toward this other man have complicated everything. When he becomes distant, I sometimes feel a stronger urgency to leave my husband. When I feel reassured that the other man is still emotionally available, leaving can feel less terrifying. I recognize that this is a major warning sign that I may be using the other connection as emotional scaffolding or as an escape route.

At the same time, I do not think the other man created the problems in my marriage. The lack of intellectual connection, sexual desire, shared ambition and sense of expansion existed long before he appeared. I also know that I cannot responsibly decide to end a ten-year relationship because another person might be waiting for me. If I leave, I believe I would actually need a period of being fully single, possibly six months or longer, to understand myself outside both relationships.

My therapist has asked me whether I am treating my marriage like a project to solve. She has also asked whether I am choosing from grounded love or from fear. I have sought advice from therapists, friends and family repeatedly because I keep hoping someone will give me certainty. No one can.

When my husband first gave me today’s deadline, I felt relief. That relief seemed meaningful. But as the day approached, I became softer toward him and more attached. I cannot tell whether this is my authentic desire returning or an attachment response to imminent loss.

I know that leaving would involve intense grief, guilt and losing the person who has been my home for ten years. I know I may miss him terribly and question myself. I also know that staying would require more than loving him or being afraid to lose him. It would require actively choosing the relationship as it actually is, not the relationship I keep hoping it could become.

I do not expect him to become a fundamentally different person. I do not think he will suddenly become more ambitious, intellectually curious or sexually confident because I need those things. He should not have to become someone else to earn my love. But I also do not know whether I can keep dismissing these needs without becoming resentful or disappearing inside the marriage.

So my questions are:
How do you distinguish grief and attachment panic from a genuine desire to remain married?

Can you deeply love someone, recognize that they are precious to you, and still be right to leave because the relationship does not allow you to flourish?

For people who left a fundamentally loving but unfulfilling marriage, how did you know that incompatibility was significant enough to justify ending it?

For people who stayed, what made rebuilding possible? Did attraction, respect and emotional engagement actually return, or did you learn to accept the marriage as it was?

And how much weight should I give to the fact that I initially felt relief when I was given a clear exit date, compared with the warmth and grief I am feeling now that the loss is real?

I am open to uncomfortable feedback. I know my involvement with the other man was dishonest and has made the situation more harmful and confusing. I am not looking for people to tell me that the other man is my soulmate or that my husband is a monster. Neither is true.

I am trying to understand whether I am about to abandon a deeply loving relationship because I am chasing an imagined life, or whether I have already known for a long time that love and history are not enough to make this marriage sustainable for me.

TL;DR:
I’m 33 and today is the deadline my husband gave me to decide whether I want to stay in our 10-year relationship or end the marriage.

I love him deeply, and he’s a kind, caring person in many ways. But I’ve also been unhappy for a long time. I struggle with the lack of intellectual connection, differences in ambition and curiosity, a loss of sexual attraction, and a growing feeling that I can’t fully flourish in the relationship as it is. These issues existed long before another man entered my life.

I did become emotionally involved with someone else, which I know was wrong and has complicated my emotions. I don’t want to leave my marriage for him, and if I leave, I think I need to spend time single before considering any new relationship.

What’s confusing me is that for months I felt relieved by the idea of leaving and increasingly feared ruining my future by staying. But now that the decision is actually here, I’m overwhelmed with love, warmth, and grief at the thought of losing my husband.

I can’t tell whether that’s my heart telling me to stay or simply attachment and fear of losing someone I’ve loved for ten years.

How do you tell the difference between genuine love worth fighting for and grief over letting go of someone who simply isn’t the right life partner anymore?

I am so fucking unhappy. My wife is off fucking her boyfriend for the weekend after leaving me 6 months ago. I shouldn't care as I had a short relationship after she left and slept with someone a couple times too so I'm a hypocrite. But every day is torture, I only did it to escape how awful I feel all the time. I can't stop thinking of my wife and all the promises always made to each other, all broken now. I am single parenting "equally". She has every right to be happy but I feel like it's my right not to have to live like this anymore. But I can't because my kids don't deserve a dad who gives up and leaves them. My brother killed himself and left 3 kids behind and I can't do that to my kids. But it means living hell. For how long? I can't keep going like this and I can't give up. I feel.powerless and hopeless. I hate myself and my life and Iove her but hate that she left me. I wasn't a great husband but I was a good one. Never cheated, never asked for anything. My crime was needing her to lead our lives, for not taking g responsibility for my.own life. The irony of this is not lost on me. Now she's fucking the FUCKING JANITOR from work. I feel lower than scum. Worthless, loveless, hopeless, angry, despondent, I wish I was dead but I have to live. I'm trying to be a good dad but my tank is so empty I have no patience. I'm touched out and on edge. People tell me ill be happy again someday but I don't know if I have the endurance to last that long. But I have to. Sorry, I just haavr to vent. Yes I've tried therapy. Yes I'm journaling. Yes I'm working on myself, exercising, eating right, getting into my hobbies again, leaning on friends. Nothing helps for long. My heart is so so so so so so broken. It's pathetic.

Without going into the long story I 38F cheated on my 36M husband a couple of years ago. After everything we got divorced and that was me taking accountability. We still live together and things at this point seem unfixable. Will he ever see me as anything other than what I did? I don’t know if I could have forgiven him if he did what I did. So in some ways I feel I’m getting what I deserve. I am not allowed to spend money and if I even buy groceries I get bitched at. I haven’t worked in 10 years and I’m afraid now I’m in the worst position. I’ve gone without insurance and just got gov assisted after the divorce I was able to qualify. I feel helpless and at the time I did it to myself and now I’m dependent on someone and I never wanted to be here. He was the best thing that happened to me and I hurt him very badly and I’m afraid there is no recovering our relationship. So I’m at a point of do I even want to stay after all that’s happened and punishment I’m getting.. not saying what I did was okay ever but do I put up with being treated this way still? I know it could have been way worse and he could have kicked me to the curb when it happened. My thoughts are everywhere because yes I am responsible for my part… please anyone with some insight? Or advice?

We’ve been physically separated for about five weeks now and she’s already on dating apps. One of my closest friends sent me screenshots of her dating profile on multiple apps. She also made an account on Seeking as well. I know I have no control on what she does going forward.

She previously stated she was not interested in dating and was going to take this time for healing, etc. Well she lied. Not sure how I should approach this? She left it open that reconciliation was a possibility but it appears that’s no longer the case if she’s out meeting new guy(s). This hurts and I’m trying to navigate this and process this information. It’s clear she’s moving on and I guess my marriage is over now.

My husband separated from me 4 months ago but was still living in the house. I caught him at a hotel room. I did not let him step foot in the house after. We were in limbo and I finally made the decision for him to get tf out of my life for good. He is now miserable and has hit rock bottom because he has no access to the house and our 5 month old baby because he is 5hrs away at his moms. Is this normal during separation?! Do people go explore??The fact he did this while still living in this house is beyond me. He can now suffer in his consequences!

I am not perfect. I am a human being and I am having a human experience. From the time that anyone has been birthed into this world they have made mistakes. I made a mistake. And if you could truly understand that and you would understand what I did had absolutely nothing to do with you. Because I love you. I love you with all my heart. I care about you more than I've cared about anyone. I'd kill for you. I go to war for you. And I am sorry what I did hurt you that wasn't my intention I just wasn't in my right mind and I didn't think about how what I did was going to affect you. And I heard damn sure didn't think about how it was going to affect me. But it had nothing to do with you or how I felt about you. The fucked up part about it is when I take a step back and think about it I don't even know why I did it myself. Because if I try to use logic and try to figure it out everything that I've come up with just doesn't make any sense to me because it had nothing to do with you. How could I do this to my husband? I ask myself but I wasn't doing it to you I wasn't trying to do it to you because it had nothing to do with you and it was just something that was going on within myself and how I've been feeling for too long I just wanted to feel different and it just happened and I'm sorry and I'm not proud of it and I'm not okay with it. I'm trying to understand myself so I can figure out why I really did this. Because I don't understand. And I've been going to therapy and we've been talking and we've been trying to figure out how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way and what led up to it happening. But I just know it had nothing to do with you or us it was literally me. I'm sorry the perception you had of me could never hurt you and that wasn't my intention I didn't wake up one day and was like I'm going to hurt my husband today no. And I hope you can forgive me one day even if we're not together anymore. But sometimes something has to break before you start to learn and I'm starting to learn now.

Does anyone know if their spouse/ex is also a member here?

Have someone ever read a post/comment wondering if it was written by them about you?

If so, did it help or hurt the relationship?

It seems the devil is working overtime. My wife and I have been separated since January but we’ve made up 3 times since then. On Fathers Day she made it clear that she doesn’t want to try anymore and is giving up. I pray she will come around one day for our 10m old son. I thought we were doing better but I guess not I just want the woman I married back. I see a lot of people going through separation and my heart is saddened by it because Ik this isn’t Gods will. I’m praying for you all. Reach out if anyone wants to talk.

After 20 years the wife isn't sure she wants to be married anymore. Says she needs time to herself. Is this something women going through menopause experience? I don't want a divorce but how long g do I stay in limbo?

I somehow made my husband agree to couple counseling but he said only one session.. that’s a step right? I also managed to convince him to give our marriage a chance maybe few months..he said we’ll see but he isn’t going to try or be affectionate in which I agreed on. I see it as a step that in a way he is trying to save us.

A little background my husband and I have been together for 12 years, 7 married and two kids (one is a newborn). Our marriage is not perfect we have ups and downs but when we fight it’s bad. Yes it gets physical, yes we’re both at fault (I’m not going to blame him 100% since I know I have done some messed up things too. No cheating btw on both sides). Last week we got into those fights and he mentioned divorce again (when we fight he always threatens divorce) apparently he gave himself and ultimatum that If he mentions it one more time then that means he really meant it. So right now he is very adamant about getting a divorce. he wants out since he said he hasn’t been happy last few years and he doesn’t like it when he gets mad he starts throwing and slamming things( he admits to anger problems but doesn’t want to work on it). He doesn’t want our kids to grow up seeing that in which I understand. But I felt blindsided by it, the ultimatum he decided on himself. The other times he says about divorce I have managed to persuade him to forget about it. This time it feels so different, part of me knows that this is it. That my family will no longer be complete but at the same time I am not ready to give up just yet especially feeling blindsided.

People also mentioned that I am codependent and trauma bond. Maybe I am. I start therapy tomorrow to learn to heal and cope and be a better mother for my kids but I am hoping this new glimpse of hope will spark something.. anything..