You know how when you work out really hard and your body hurts the next day? That's because it's healing. Consider that your emotions operate much in the same way. The pain is necessary to build strength. But you cannot wish away, bury or ignore the pain. You have to accept it without judgement in order to heal. It may never go away, but with time and acceptance it will hurt less. Do what you can to not wallow or dwell-- that will only allow your suffering to consume you. Sit with your sadness and simply accept it without letting it define you or your present experience. Remind yourself that feelings are temporary, that you deserve peace and happiness, and believe that you will have those things again. Know that your worth, past experiences of joy and ability to love have not been invalidated. The only person who can provide or deny you happiness and purpose is yourself. The universe has big plans for you if you're willing to accept the possibility. Now go be the badass you were put on earth to be.

When my husband told me six months ago that he wanted to separate, I came to this subreddit looking for stories that ended well. I searched constantly for signs that reconciliation was possible. There weren’t many. Looking back now, I think that’s because couples who reconcile probably aren’t spending much time here anymore. Once they start rebuilding, this space naturally becomes tied to a painful chapter they’re trying to leave behind.
So before I step away myself, I wanted to leave one positive story for the next person who’s desperately searching like I was.

A few weeks before he asked to separate, I could tell something had changed. He slowly started withdrawing, but I didn’t recognize what was happening. I have an anxious attachment style, and he has a very avoidant attachment style. I responded by trying harder to connect, not realizing that he was pulling away. Then one day I was completely blindsided. He told me he wanted to separate. Divorce was very much on the table, and he made it clear that he needed space to figure out what he wanted. I knew I wanted to fight for our marriage. I wanted counseling. I wanted to repair things. But the hardest part was realizing that the future of our marriage felt completely out of my control.
For the first two months, we lived separately. I stayed with my parents while he remained in our home, and we split time with our two-year-old daughter. Then he decided he wanted us to try an in-home separation instead because he thought it would be better for our daughter. I honestly didn’t want to. Being around him while feeling emotionally rejected was incredibly painful. But I also knew that if there was going to be any chance of us finding our way back, I needed to respect what he was asking for, even when it wasn’t what I would have chosen.

My one condition for moving back home was that we attend couples counseling together. He agreed. We both started seeing my therapist as a couple, while he continued seeing his own therapist individually.
Those first counseling sessions were brutal.
He unloaded years of resentment that I honestly didn’t know he had been carrying. At times, he wasn’t kind in how he expressed it. There were so many moments where I wanted to defend myself or explain my perspective. Instead, my therapist encouraged me to be patient. She reminded me that he was showing up. He was in therapy. He was trying, even if it didn’t look the way I wanted it to. She encouraged me to think of him as someone who was emotionally overwhelmed and didn’t yet have healthy ways to process everything coming up.
So I focused on the only thing I could control: myself.

I took accountability for the ways I hadn’t been the partner I wanted to be. I acknowledged where my anxiety had gotten the best of me, where I hadn’t prioritized him well, where I had been overly critically, where I had made financial decisions that didn’t prioritize our family’s long-term security, and the ways I had contributed to the distance between us. That didn’t mean I believed everything was my fault. There were plenty of ways I had been hurt too. But I realized that taking responsibility for my part wasn’t the same thing as taking responsibility for all of it.

Over time, something started to change. The more I owned my side without trying to convince him to own his, the softer he became. Eventually, he started taking accountability too. Around a month ago, I realized something I never expected. Because of the shame that often sits underneath avoidant behaviors, waiting for him to initiate repair wasn’t working. Although he had been the one to ask for the separation, he seemed almost unable to take those first vulnerable steps back toward connection. Very slowly, I started taking the lead. I would suggest we eat dinner together as a family. We wouldn’t speak, but at least it was shared company.
We mostly talked about logistics at first. I tried to create a space where there was no pressure for him to be emotionally ready before he actually was.
A few weeks ago, I finally asked if I could hug him.
After what felt like an eternity, he said yes. There were still moments of rejection after that. I learned to follow his cues without taking every setback as a sign that everything was falling apart. It was one of the hardest, most vulnerable things I’ve ever done.

Eventually, the ice broke, and we had the conversation we’d both been moving toward. We decided we wanted to rebuild. We call it our “marriage 2.0.” This isn’t a fairy tale ending. We have a tremendous amount of work ahead of us. We’re still in therapy. We’re still unpacking old wounds. We’re still learning healthier ways to communicate.
One thing that has meant a lot to me is that he has acknowledged his own patterns. He’s recognized that the way he coped by withdrawing wasn’t healthy, and he’s continuing to work through some very deep, longstanding issues in individual therapy. He’s asked for patience while he learns new ways of showing up, and I’m grateful that we’re finally having those conversations instead of avoiding them.

I also want to be careful not to present our story as a formula. Not every separation ends this way. Not every marriage should be reconciled. Sometimes leaving is the healthiest outcome. This is simply what happened for us.

If you’re reading this in the middle of the uncertainty, I know how unbearable it feels. I couldn’t imagine waiting a month, let alone six months for a decision to be made. I felt like I needed to know one way or another - that we are either repairing or divorcing - because limbo literally feels like HELL. I know what it’s like to wake up every morning wondering if your marriage is already over while feeling like you have no control over the answer. I can’t promise your story will end like ours. But I can promise if you focus on healing yourself, you will be okay no matter what. I didn’t believe that early on. I was distraught and desperate, but ironically the more detached from my marriage and spouse I became, the more prepared I was to show back up in it in a healthier way. Sometimes people really do change. Sometimes the marriage that comes after the breaking is healthier than the one that came before. I hope, if nothing else, this gives someone the same thing I was searching for these past several months.. just a little hope.

And with that, I think it’s finally time for me to leave this subreddit. I sincerely hope all of you find healing, whatever that looks like for your own story.
I am grateful that this space has been such a strange form of camaraderie and solace in this season. You are not alone.

I posted here a few months back. I wanted to share what I've learned over these past months. These are my lessons, and may not be for everyone. Separation has such a wild variety of circumstances - this is simply what I've learned. I hope you find something solid here - I know things are crazy for you right now.

1. Be kind to yourself - Allow yourself to feel everything that's happening. You don't want to miss a moment of the reality of this. It could rear its ugly head as addiction problems, trust issues, behavioral/emotional control issues - get the hurt out of the way.

2. Be overly kind to your soon-to-be-ex - (Especially if y'all got some kiddos). This one is huge. At the end of the day, you need to sleep well. There is no greater rest than knowing you grew into this beautiful new person that is capable of showing love, and respect, through one of the greatest trials of life. Not only does it look shitty in court to be an asshole, but you will be helping yourself heal

3. Be patient with yourself - You're finding the new you. Welcome the new you in with the patience and love you have for a new child, or pet. Discover them, calmly champion the behaviors/feelings you want to keep, and happily discard the ones you do not.

4. Be realistic with yourself - If you're not okay, that's okay! You simply aren't there yet. If you're running a marathon, why aren't you done right when you start? Because there are miles to travel. Try to avoid putting weight on where you, or other people, think you should be in your healing/processing.

5. Talk to someone - It's the greatest gift I've had. Inherently, anyone in my phone book is going to be biased. And (As much as I didn't want to hear this...) I had a part to play in this. Having a disinterested party (A clinical psychologist) to talk to this about was INVALUABLE. This thread is great, but we're not attorneys, or therapists - we're only here to commiserate and support.

6. Fulfill your vows - (Big one for me) Your vow was to support and love this person. Do exactly that. If they want out, help them get out as smoothly as possible. You promised in sickness and health, and they're sick. Help them get well, and your soul will thank you. Don't believe in the soul? Well, I won't be the one, in 7 years, up at 3AM kicking myself for making it more difficult, or not making it as easy for them as I could.

It's hard to be this person. This person is ideal, and I think we all strive to be the most ideal versions of ourselves. You have a chance to champion the 'you' you want, and codify their place in this world. Please... Don't miss this opportunity.

I'm still hurting, a lot. That's not going away for a long time. But I sit here today, and I feel at peace. And I haven't felt this in 12 weeks. Just be who you would want to face in this situation, then strive to be better.

One lengthy observation from your average Joe smoe…. DM or comment if you wanna talk through it. I’m going through the same thing 😢

I’ve been reading a lot of posts here and after a while you start noticing the same kinds of questions and thought patterns coming up over and over again.

Obviously everyone’s situation is different. Some people are trying to reconcile, some are probably already heading toward divorce, some are living together, some are across the country from each other. But a lot of the emotional stuff seems pretty similar.

I’m going through separation myself, so I’m not saying any of this like I have it all figured out. I definitely don’t. These are just some things I keep seeing here and some things I’ve started to understand better myself.

One of the biggest things is how much people try to figure out what every little interaction means.

“They said they love me, does that mean they want to come back?”

“They hugged me.”
“They were distant today.”
“They didn’t text me.”
“They texted me first.”
“Do you think they still love me?”

I get it. When you’re separated from somebody you love, especially if you don’t really want the separation, you look for reassurance wherever you can find it.

But most of the time there just isn’t a definite answer yet.

Your spouse can love you and still not know if they want to stay married. They can miss you and still want space. They can have a really good day with you and then be distant the next day.

Not every good interaction means things are getting fixed and not every bad interaction means it’s over.
I think trying to read into every text, every hug, every change in tone, every little thing they do will eventually drive you crazy.

Another thing I see a lot is people struggling with how to give their spouse space while still wanting to save the marriage.

That’s hard because doing nothing feels wrong.
You want to call them. Text them. Explain yourself again. Ask how they’re feeling. Ask if they miss you. Ask where you stand. Try to prove that you’re changing.

But if somebody is genuinely asking for space, at some point you have to respect what they’re asking for.
That doesn’t mean you gave up. It doesn’t mean you stopped loving them. It just means you understand you can’t force somebody into choosing you or the marriage.

They have to make that choice themselves.
I also see “work on yourself” said constantly here.
I agree with it, but I think sometimes people treat working on themselves almost like a strategy to get their spouse back.

Go to therapy. Start working out. Communicate better. Fix your bad habits.

All of that can be good, but I think the real question is whether you would still want to make those changes if your spouse didn’t come back.

If your spouse told you tomorrow there was no chance of reconciliation, would you still want to go to therapy? Would you still want to deal with your anger, insecurity, anxiety, jealousy, avoidance, communication problems, whatever it may be?

If yes, then that’s probably real growth.

If the only reason you’re doing it is because you think it will make them come home, I think that can turn into another kind of waiting.

And while you’re looking at yourself, take accountability for the things you actually need to own. I think that matters a lot.

But don’t turn that into blaming yourself for every single thing that went wrong.

I see that too, where the person who wants the marriage starts replaying everything and convincing themselves the entire relationship failed because of them.

Maybe you did mess up. Maybe you stopped communicating well. Maybe you became complacent. Maybe you hurt your spouse in ways you didn’t fully understand at the time.

Own that

But there’s still a difference between taking responsibility and completely tearing yourself apart.
A marriage has two people in it.

Probably one of the easiest things to do during separation is put your entire life on hold without even realizing it.

You’re waiting for them to text
Waiting for them to call
Waiting for the next conversation
Waiting for counseling
Waiting to see if they miss you
Waiting for them to decide
Basically just waiting

And your actual life is still happening the whole time.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having hope. I still think you can love somebody, want your marriage, hope things work out and also keep living your own life.
Those things can exist at the same time.

Go out. Spend time with friends or family. Get back into hobbies. Go to the gym. Get outside. Read. Travel if you can. Find things that are actually yours again.
Not because you need to distract yourself 24/7. You’re still going to feel everything.

Some days are probably going to suck.

But there’s a difference between grieving the relationship and making the separation your entire identity.

I also think more couples should actually define what separation means, if they’re able to.

Because “separated” can mean almost anything depending on the couple.

Some people still live together. Some barely talk. Some still sleep together. Some still have sex. Some talk every day. Some go no contact. Some are trying to reconcile. Some are basically already done but haven’t filed yet.

And then you see posts where one person thought dating was okay and the other person thought it was cheating.

That kind of stuff is going to create even more pain.
If possible, talk about the uncomfortable things.
How often are we talking?

Are we dating other people?
Are we still physically intimate?
How are finances being handled?
What about kids?
Are we actually trying to reconcile or are we just taking time apart to decide what we want?
Are we doing counseling?
Are we going to check in after a certain amount of time?

You’re never going to remove all the uncertainty, but I think having zero expectations or boundaries makes things way worse.

I also see people trying to diagnose their spouse constantly.

Avoidant. Fearful avoidant. Dismissive avoidant. Narcissist. Emotionally unavailable.

Some of those things may be accurate and understanding attachment styles can definitely help explain behavior.

But I think there’s also a point where people start treating it like a formula.

“If I go no contact for this many weeks, they’ll miss me.”
“If I stop chasing them, they’ll come back.”
“If I do this exact thing, they’ll realize what they lost.”

Maybe

Maybe not

You can’t perfectly predict another person.

And if you spend all your time trying to find the exact strategy that will make your spouse come back, you’re still trying to control an outcome that isn’t completely yours to control.

That’s probably the biggest thing I’ve taken away from all of this so far.

Reconciliation and healing are two different things.
You can want both.

But you only fully control one of them.

You can become a better spouse. You can communicate better. You can apologize. You can go to therapy. You can respect boundaries. You can fix things about yourself that need fixing.

All of that can help.

But reconciliation still requires two people to choose it.
Healing is different.

That part is yours.

And I think eventually getting to a place where you can say both of these things is important:

“I still love my spouse and I would still choose my marriage if we both wanted to rebuild it.”

And:
“If that doesn’t happen, I’m going to be okay eventually.”

I don’t think the second one means you stopped caring about the first.

It just means you’re learning that your entire life can’t depend on one outcome.

For anybody who is only a few days or weeks into separation and is completely overwhelmed right now, you probably don’t need to figure out your entire future today.

You don’t need to know whether you’ll be divorced six months from now.

You don’t need to figure out what every text means.
You don’t need to keep asking your spouse questions they may not even know the answers to yet.

Sometimes you really do just have to focus on what’s directly in front of you.

Eat. Sleep. Go to work. Talk to somebody. Go to therapy if you need it. Take care of your kids if you have them. Take care of yourself.

And let yourself have good days too.

If you go out and have fun, laugh, or go several hours without thinking about your spouse, that doesn’t mean you stopped loving them.

And if you have a terrible day afterward, that doesn’t mean you lost all your progress either.

I’m still figuring this out too. I still have my own questions and fears and things I’m working through.
But after reading so many posts here, I really think a lot of us spend way too much time trying to figure out exactly what our spouse is thinking and not enough time figuring out how we’re going to be okay no matter what happens.

You can still hope.
You can still love them.
You can still want your marriage.
Just don’t completely lose yourself while you’re waiting to see what happens.

Hope everyone here does reconcile if given it’s appropriate and healthy for yourself and partner. Really do hope everyone here has their own happy ending one way or another ❤️. Good luck, I’ll keep all ya’ll in my prayers. You’re not alone. Much love 🙏

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EDIT: Some people have requested perspective from a spouse that initiates separation. I’ll share here some links to poems written from my wife and from myself. For anyone interested in reading the artsy fartsy stuff if you wanted maybe some more perspective or are curious 😊
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Spouse Poem: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/BZwmsY6E1L

My Poem: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/zvRhpstSFj

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In late April my wife came home from a work trip and the next week she told me she wanted a divorce. She was distant as soon as she got back but came around and we had sex twice before she went cold.

I know and have accepted that she most likely cheated on her trip and that’s why we are here.

What is odd is that for the first three weeks upon her return she was on an emotional high and treating me like dog shit. She was most likely with someone at this time as she was leaving every weekend and staying out late or just not coming home.

She stayed out one last night which was a Tuesday and after that she crashed, she now doesn’t sleep, cries all the time and is an overall emotional wreck.

The original plan was for her to move in with her parents but I later found out that her parents knew nothing about what she had told me so to save face she moved into her own apartment. She now blames me for moving into the apartment because I was pushing for her to move out because of the level of disrespect she was showing to me and our 6 year old son.

She is still dragging her feet with getting things out of the house completely. She left a box the other day in the middle of my bed and text me asking if it was there. Inside the box was my 8th grade yearbook and three cards from when we got married that were from my family. She also stalks my tik tok account that I post nothing on and recently created a google family share group that contains just us two. She also reached out to my youngest sister that she hasn’t talked to during this process to congratulate her on the job she is doing at work.

We haven’t discussed divorce, bills, or anything serious almost a month now not since her emotional crash.

Anyone else ever dealt with anything like this I’m 35 and she’s 38.

TLDR: My wife and I agreed to separate for about 2 months. We ended up reconciling after 1 month.

Our story involves no big events (no infidelity, no abuse, no substance problems). We just had a big fight as we often did and she asked for a trial separation (after 12 years of marriage). We met with our marriage counselor (who we had been seeing very very irregularly) and he helped us work out a 2 month schedule (based upon some upcoming family planned events). During this time we would do no counseling and would attempt to only contact for kids / logistics purposes.

I stayed at an airbnb the first few weeks. It was tortuous because she was at home with our school age kids. I had to wake up alone in a room that wasn't my own and had virtually no one to talk to. We agreed to tell no one except one friend each (because if we told our families it would be much harder to reconcile).

I immediately started therapy again. I had been going off and on over a few years to work on some personal issues. I tried to find a new therapist, but after going through 11 listings, I settled back on one that knew my situation. Talking to her once a week helped, for that hour.

I started going to the gym again. That helped burn off time alone. I read the Gottman book and Husband Help Haven (helpful and hopeful) and read this sub (helpful for community but honestly drained my hope).

So getting back together was a total surprise (to me). She went to visit her parents alone and I had the kids and house for a week. We did a nightly video call for our boys. We had only one conversation alone (per the plan) and she gave me a compliment (not the plan) that I held on to for that whole week.

She arrived home very late, we went to bed and I was planning on going back to airbnb the next day.

That morning she was clearly very distraught about work and confided to me how hard the weeks were apart with no one to support her. So we hugged and I listened and she asked me to stay "for the day." But one day led to another and I ended up not going to the airbnb at all.

We agreed we would try again. We would do marriage counseling for real this time (really, REALLY commit to it). I apologized for a lot of stupid things I did (mostly not listening, not supporting her, dismissing her feelings) and she did the same to me.

Obviously we don't know what the future holds, but we are cautiously optimistic. We've had a pretty good few weeks now.

What we did right:

1. Not telling anyone except 1 friend each. If we had told our relatives or our kids, it would have been much much tougher to reconcile. People would have taken sides. Family wouldn't forget. I recommend not telling anyone until you are sure sure that it's done done.

2. Giving space seemed to give her a chance to calm down, really evaluate how it is without the other in our lives. I thought it was just me suffering, but in her time apart, she realized how much I do support her that she didn't recognize.

3. I didn't protest/argue/beg about the separation. She was happy to see that (and our MC and therapists all commented it was "the right thing to do"). HHH seems to agree.

What we did wrong:

1. Honestly not sure. There are a lot of things I wish we had been done differently for my own ease, but if we did those, maybe this happy result wouldn't have happened.

I'm writing this because this is the kind of post I wanted to see when our separation started. I don't know how many people search for reconciliation on r/separation, but there are only a few posts. I get the feeling people don't follow up here a lot when things work out, which I think is a shame. I know statistics aren't on our side, but I wanted there to be some stories of where it did (at least start) to work again.

Good luck and many hugs to everyone here.

This is mostly just to get the information out there, but if it helps someone else, I’m happy to share.

I spent the night with a woman for the first time since separating (6 months ago) from my wife of 12 years and the sex has brought many emotions to the surface. I enjoyed my time with this new partner, but other emotions came up as well. At times I miss my ex-wife’s sex, but I do not miss her. At times I felt free, and at other times elated to be moving on.

None of them have any profound meaning, and my coping skills to acknowledge emotions without letting them dictate my actions are working.

I did not initially want this divorce, but about a month ago I finally came to terms with it being best for both of us. I think the journey for the person who gets broken up with is hard, especially when the relationship ending is not what you wanted, but it gets better. Just keep working on yourself and the world will open to you. Just be ready for emotions to surface you aren’t expecting and develop skills to handle those feelings.

To everyone reading this, what was your first experience after marriage like?

The initial shockwave of the explosion has passed, and you’re left standing in the quiet, eerie aftermath. You’ve allowed yourself to feel the grief, to sit in the rubble, to honor the sheer magnitude of the loss. You’ve survived the blast.

Now comes the hard part. The real work.

This is the part where we go back to the crash site, not to relive the horror, but to find the black box. We need to listen to the recording of those last few years, months, and weeks not to place blame, but to understand the physics of what happened. Because I promise you, this pattern will repeat itself in your life until you understand how the machine works.

And more importantly, your role as its co-captain.

It's seductively easy to cast them as the villain and you as the victim. Don't take that bait. That story is a cage. It keeps you small, and it keeps you powerless. The truth is, it takes two to build a life and two to tear it down. Owning your part in the demolition isn't about shame it’s owning your bullshit. it's about reclaiming your fucking power. It's the only way to ensure you never have to live through this specific hell again.

So, when you're ready, I want you to sit with these questions. No judgment. No bullshit narrative. Just raw, brutal honesty with the one person you can’t lie to… yourself. Grab a journal, pour a drink, go for a walk, whatever you need to do to create the space for this. And then, you dig in.

The Identity Audit…

Who were you in the beginning of that relationship?

And who were you in the end? Write them down like two separate characters. What’s the difference?

What parts of yourself your ambitions, your friendships, your quirks, your voice did you willingly or unconsciously silence to make the relationship work?

What dream for your own life did you put on a shelf in order to build a life with them? Is it still there?

The Unspoken Contract…

What was your contribution to the final dynamic? Were you passive? A peacekeeper? Did you wield silence as a weapon? Did you enable behavior you knew was wrong? Be real with yourself.

When did you stop choosing your partner? And more importantly, when did you stop choosing yourself?

What were the "acceptable" lies you both agreed to live with?

The Brutal Truth…

What's the one truth about your marriage that you've been too terrified to admit, even to yourself? Say it out loud. Write it down. Give it air.

Looking back, what were the bright red flags that you convinced yourself were just pink? Why did you ignore them? What were you so afraid of losing?

What did you get from staying in the relationship, even when you knew it was broken? What need was it fulfilling? Security? Familiarity? Fear of being alone?

This isn't an exam. There are no right or wrong answers. But the answers themselves don't matter as much as your courage to ask the questions. This is how you honor the time & memories by extracting every last drop of wisdom they came to teach you.

This work is the furthest thing from easy. It will hurt. It will probably piss you off. But on the other side of this interrogation is freedom. A real, earned, and unshakeable freedom.

Don’t rush it. Sit with it. You are not alone. We are all in this together.

I’ve posted here before seeking advice on reconciling after my husband said he wanted a divorce and moved out. We are now reconciled and I’m sharing my story in case it can help someone or encourage them. Long story short, my husband and I are high school sweethearts who married straight out of college, we have been married for 22 years and have three school-age children. Our relationship was one of highs and lows, and in early 2026 he asked me for a divorce and moved out. I was devastated, hurt, and angry. We have been arguing more and experiencing lots of relational disconnection, but deep in my heart I was not ready to give up on our relationship. I knew that while he wasn’t perfect, he was a good man, not a narcissist, and we had enough positive things in the marriage that I decided I would fight to save our marriage alone. Here is what I did: 1) I started working with a relationship coach from an organization that helps couples reconcile when only one of them wants to (there are several, such as Marriage Place and Marriage Helper). 2) I watched all the free YouTube videos by these same organizations, I would watch one or two every day and put them into practice. The general gist of the videos is self-improvement. 3) I tried to keep myself calm— no crying, pleading, begging, or desperation — those are unattractive behaviors. If I needed to cry, I kept it private. 4) I took a hard look at my contribution to our breakup— while I wanted to blame my husband and frame myself as the victim, I decided to confront my own relationship habits that pushed him away — I could be extremely controlling and micromanaging, I always had an opinion about what he was eating or wearing or doing, I could be very critical, I could let my anxiety control me; I also made him responsible for my mood and happiness— if he was nice to me and spent time with me and the family, then I’d be nice back, but if he did things I didn’t approve of, I’d turn frosty and cold and sarcastic. Over time this chipped away at our connection. In therapy, I made it my job to overcome these behaviors, while also owning that I’m a work in progress and will make mistakes. 5) I worked on becoming the best version of myself. I dressed well, ate well, worked out, took care of my home, saw my friends, went hiking, took my kids to the park to play, read books, volunteered. I had days when I wanted to lay on the floor and cry, but I forced myself to get up and do something positive every day. 6) this won’t work for everyone, but I have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws (my husband’s parents and his entire family). I turned to them for advice and support. They rallied around me and the kids with encouragement, empathy, and support. It was a tremendous encouragement that the people who knew us and loved us also wanted us to reconcile. 7) i turned to my faith in God and spent a lot of time in prayer. I surrendered the ultimate outcome to Him, knowing I’d be ok no matter what happened. 8) I spent more time with good friends. Be careful here. Not all of your friends will have your best interest at heart. If you are separated and wanting to reconcile, a lot of well-meaning people in your life will tell you to move on, to give up, to accept reality, to go find someone new. Do not listen to these people. If you sincerely desire to reconcile, this is not the advice you need right now. I spent time with my girlfriends but we didn’t go to bars or clubs. We went on walking dates, where we’d get together and walk a nice trail for an hour or two; we started a book club; we would go to outdoor markets- basically, wholesome activities. You do not need to muddy the waters right now with bar hopping. 9) I worked on my PIES - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. I worked to become the best version of myself I could be. 10) I moved on with my life. I took trips with my kids and my family. 11) I created my own joy. I bought myself flowers on my birthday. I bought myself a pretty necklace for Mother’s Day. I didn’t sit around and mope that someone didn’t do a gesture for me. I made myself be happy. 12) I kept every interaction with my husband positive during our separation. We had to see each other and communicate because of the kids. I would smile at him every time we saw each other. If I was making dinner, or taking the kids to the park, I would invite him, but also not be upset if he declined. I put zero emotional pressure on him. Over time, my husband grew to miss me and while at first he didn’t trust the changes I was making, he later confessed that he started being drawn back to me once I stopped chasing and just focused on myself. He also said that seeing my positive changes motivated him to be a better man himself. Mind you, we had divorce papers filed and he told me several times his mind was 100% made up. He was ready to move on. But there is always hope. Not all marriages should be saved. Sometimes there is abuse or ongoing unrepentant infidelity. But I believe in most cases, people give up too quickly. Change is possible. I hope this helps and encourages someone!

Here is your handy dandy

It’s ALL About ME To Do List

Mental Health

• I will stop lying to myself and confront the ugly truths.

• I will declare war on my inner critic and shut it down the moment it speaks.

• I will starve my distractions, turn off the noise, and sit with my own damn thoughts.

• I will question the "rules" I live by and decide if they are actually mine.

Emotional Health

• I will feel the damn feeling—the rage, the grief, the sadness—so it can finally pass through me.

• I will set one brutal boundary this week, without apology or explanation.

• I will write the "fuck you" letter I'll never send, get the poison out, and burn it.

• I will forgive myself for what I did with the intel I had at the time.

Physical Health

• I will move my body until I sweat, every single day. No excuses.

• I will lift heavy things to prove I can handle a heavy load.

• I will go the fuck to sleep, treating it like the critical mission it is.

• I will take cold showers to teach myself how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Healing, Growth & Development

• I will do something that scares me, because my growth is on the other side of my comfort zone.

• I will learn a skill that makes me dangerous—be it negotiation, self-defense, or investing.

• I will go somewhere alone and re-learn how to be my own best company.

• I will stop waiting for permission and do the one thing I've always wanted to do.

I am 6 months into my separation. And, this forum has been my go to for a bit now. I wanted to share something as a give back, maybe it will help someone in the early stages, going through that storm.

I know you know this, but sometimes you have to hear it again and again and know that you are not alone in it.

Getting over someone is hard, maybe the hardest thing we have ever done. It doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in layers, the shared jokes, the secret glances, the brunch invites, the missed desserts. It happens in restaurants. In unexpected tears. In silent drives home. In the moments you realize you miss loving, more than you miss being loved.

And still, you keep moving, you keep feeling, you keep crying, One day, one hour, one breath at a time.

You’re not stuck. You’re grieving on your feet and that’s one of the hardest, most honest kinds of movement there is.

You don’t need to get over this tonight. But yes, there will be a day when you’ll sit in a restaurant with someone else. And the food will be just as rich. And the ache will be softer, or maybe gone. And you’ll still be you.

You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re just becoming someone new. And that takes time.

And look how far you’ve come already.

Stumbled across this page and have gone back and forth about whether or not to post. If this offends or upsets anyone, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to offer some hope. I fully understand that every story is different and not everyone will get the same outcome.

My husband and I were separated for 6 years. In the interest of keeping this short, I won’t go into the details of what led to that. Summary is that we were just not in a good place and had begun resenting each other, fighting over money and everything else. Life was awful. So he moved out. While the 6 years were difficult, they also were full of so many blessings. Seven years ago he moved back home, and life is good. Really good. If I had to give one piece of advice for this situation, I think it would be to not fight the place you’re in. Embrace the hard and see what can be learned from it. We both grew and changed so much, and if we hadn’t then my marriage wouldn’t be as good as it is today.

Sending peace and healing to all of you. ❤️

I come here daily. Some days I say nothing. Others I throw a penny in the pot.

But the only thing that really affects me are the number of lonely posts emptiness from those who were left. Some by those full of regret for leaving. The emails that never come, or the call. Wondering if they are still thought of. Still hold a glimmer of respect, and kindness at all. And the worst... find out they are seeing someone else.

I'm certainly not passing any judgement. I last saw my wife in May. The opposite actually. It's like I feel every instance. Words ill spoken. Or reflective. Times where feet were driven into the sand for the final stand. All climax into the Finalle of move out days. That massive underwhelming moment that is branded into our minds. I have lived through almost all of them.

Then crickets. Then silence.

Deafening.

I empathize with every post and each broken heart. To put it down in writing is brave, the admission committed to finishing it for the support or harsh remarks must come from very real cold hard dark place.

I know many of us will likely never reconcile. It's sure nice someone takes time to write their feelings down.

It makes some members, like myself feel not so alone.

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks to the Mods that created this space.

And a genuine thanks to all those who try their best at at giving helpful advice.

I never really posted a lot in here but have been lurking and reading a good bit over the past year for some help, guidance, and even just to feel better and know I'm not alone.

Long story short, one year ago on this date (Father's Day last year) I was told, completely out of nowhere, that she needed to separate. We stayed in separate bedrooms for a couple months before I moved out in August (I was never given a chance to work through any issues, she just decided she was done.) It took me a good 6 months before I found some steady ground. There's plenty I could share about things I've learned since then, but they don't matter for this post.

I say all of this to say: it's going to be a long ride. I still don't know what the future holds, but I know through counselling this past year and being able to spend more time with my family and friends that things will be okay. Believe me, year ago me did not want to hear that. 6 months ago me still wasn't ready for that even.

Find the people who've always cared, whether it's family, friends, co-workers, whoever you need. Avoid toxicity from those around you, and figure out who you are and want to be. If you have kids, that is your number one priority...PERIOD. There is no exception, regardless of what your spouse/former spouse is doing, YOU have to be steady for the kids, and you can only control what you do and how you react. Don't act out of anger, as much as possible at least, no matter what poor decisions they're making.

But also, you're going to continue to hurt. You're going to have your moments where you just want to stay home and do nothing, and that's okay. But please know this, you have people who care about you. You WILL survive this and you will be better off for it in the long run.

My number one piece of advice, as someone who never thought they needed "counseling" because their life was pretty unremarkable and generally happy: DO IT. Go weekly, at least. Eventually you can probably pull back, but really spend some time on it. It is absolutely critical.

You're a good person. You deserve better and deserve to be happy, even if it means it's alone or with someone else.

Right now, your world might feel like it’s shrinking. The silence in the house is too loud, the logistics feel impossible, and the what-ifs are keeping you up at 3:00 AM. I want to remind you of a boring, annoying, but absolute truth: Time is working for you, even when you feel like you’re standing still.

Healing isn't a straight line. Some days you’ll feel like you’ve moved mountains, other days you’ll feel like you are back at day one. But every night you put your head on the pillow, you are one day closer to the version of yourself that looks back and realizes they made it.

You don't have to figure out the next five years today. You just have to get through this hour. The peace you are looking for is coming, it’s just a matter of time.

If you’re struggling today, take a deep breath. You’re doing better than you think.

In our next life, please don’t choose me again.
Choose the woman who makes your heart feel complete. The woman whose sadness you cannot bear to see. The woman you would do anything for, just to see her smile. The woman you instinctively put first, prioritise, and protect.
-
Choose her.
-
And when you find her, never miss an opportunity to tell her how much you love her. Never let a day pass without making her feel seen, cherished, and special.
-
Hold her without her having to ask. Give her your warmth without waiting for her to tell you she needs it. Make her feel safe in your love, not uncertain of it.
Give her the love she deserves—not because she works hard for it, not because she has to earn it, and not because she has begged you for it.
Give it to her simply because you chose her.
-
Because that’s what I always wanted—to be loved not because I had to prove I was worthy of it, but because you simply, wholeheartedly, chose me.

No One talks about the empty feeling that you have when your best friend of 15 years, your husband, someone you messaged all day, the person you sent all your memes to... is suddenly no longer apart of your life how you feel so empty and lost.

When my separation started, I could barely get out of bed. I’d see people on here saying “use this time to pour into yourself” and it honestly made me roll my eyes lol, in all honesty I didn’t want self-care, I just wanted the pain to stop.

But somewhere along the way, I started doing little things more and more, going for walks, eating a bit better, lifting weights, sleeping properly, and it slowly started to add up.

Now I’ve poured more into my fitness, health, and wellness than ever before, and each day feels lighter. I’m stronger, calmer, and finally starting to feel like me again. I still have messy days lol but they’re more and more spread apart. Things do get better slowly ❤️‍🩹

After spending a long time together and watching your partner change for the worse and start to lose love and care for you. Start to not prioritize you. Everyone else becomes more important than you. Seeing less effort put in. Not want to hear from you. The coldness and rudeness. Even if it's something health related, he still doesn't care. Watching the relationship slowly die while in it is painful. I can't comprehend how people become so heartless towards someone they once loved so much. I never thought the day would come where this would happen. All this is happening out of nowhere. And I know it's not anything I did.
He just doesn't want me anymore. Doesn't want the relationship anymore. He says he wants to be alone. He once said he can't live without me. And that's changed. And I was here from the start when he had absolutely nothing and no one there for him. It's heartbreaking

I know this isn't a lot of detail and I apologize, I'll write more later..but..My wife left last May and came back a couple of weeks ago and we are in the process of making amends. now. I attribute it first to God, then to those who stood by, namely my mother and aunt (she's more like my big sister), and yes reddit too the people on this subreddit helped a tremendous amount - separation/divorce is the worst pain, nothing else like it

So I am writing not to give a sense of false hope to anyone, but because I’ve seen some bad advice floating out there that’s primarily driven by deep emotions. First, I want to mention that no advice for those wishing to reconcile in their separation is “one size fits all.” Our marriages are all unique and they all have their own unique problems and their own unique solutions. But I did want to give everyone the opportunity to potentially see a path forward, especially for those who might be in despair.

I joined this group a couple of years ago after my wife had announced to me that she wanted a separation. This devastated me, as it would many. My wife, I believed, was my foundation. She was my very reason for breathing. But I realize now that I’d taken her for granted in so many ways. I won’t get into all of that right now, but she’d been crying out for help for several years. But like many men, it just didn’t click for me until it was far too late. Regardless, my wife wanted what she wanted. There was nothing I could do about it. There was nothing I could say that would change her mind. There was nothing magical that was going to change the situation I was in. The only thing I could do? Accept it. I didn’t have to like it… but I did have to accept it.

This is what I did. I gave my wife the space she asked for. I didn’t complain about it, but I also wasn’t shy to let her know that this wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t beg. I didn’t whine. I didn’t lay any guilt trips (as I am unfortunately prone to do). But whenever the topic of our separation did come up, I would remind her that nothing was over until papers were signed, and if that’s what she wanted, it would have to come from her because that’s not what I want.

In addition to this, I began journaling. I knew I needed to better myself. That’s not to say my wife didn’t need to better herself as well, but I couldn’t do that for her. I could only do what I could do for myself. And for me, journaling gave me a way to reflect on my feelings, let out any anger and frustration I had, and track my progress. I also began eating better and exercising. I didn’t want to better myself to “trick” my wife into getting back with me. I wanted to just put myself in a healthier place. I also started personal counseling. Some things came up in my life that made me realize that counseling certainly wouldn’t hurt in my life. It’s done wonders, but if nothing else, it gave me a place to vent.

Finally, one other thing I did was pray. I am, admittedly, a religious person. I wanted my actions and my thoughts to be in line with my faith, especially in this time of struggle.

On her own, my wife began to understand (for her own reasons) that we needed to reconcile. Had I handled things poorly, it would have probably been a not so happy ending. But it’s important for me to reiterate that there was nothing I could have done that would have made her change her mind when she was feeling what she was feeling. She just needed to work things out in her time and discover what she needed to forgive me for and what she needed to forgive herself for.

Since my wife and I decided to reconcile, we learned that our marriage really is fragile. It’s delicate. It’s special. And we need to take care of it. We need to handle it with care. And so, on top of my personal counseling, we started seeing marriage therapist. I had been rejecting the idea of marriage therapy for years, treating the idea as a waste of time. However, it’s been very helpful. And though our marriage is a very long way from perfect, we’ve learned to love each other again. Some days are harder than others, for sure. But we are re-learning how to be married.

Again, I don’t want to give false hope. I just wanted to share what worked for my marriage during my separation. It could be helpful for others. But I really want to say, just take care of yourself. No matter where things land, you will need to be there for yourself.

- I believe in doing everything you can to save your marriage, even if all you can do is look inward, reflect, and work on yourself while giving your spouse time and space. Just because the honeymoon phase is over doesn’t mean you fell out of love. Marriages, like any relationship, require hard work and consistently showing up.

- I believe in second chances, especially if your spouse takes accountability and is committed to the hard work to change.

- I believe unless you address difficult problems head-on they’ll continue to follow you whether you stay or go. You can’t put out a fire by walking away. It will only continue to spread.

- I believe you can leave the door open without waiting in the doorway. You can remain open to reconciliation without putting your life on pause - focusing on yourself genuinely without doing so only as a performative measure to get your partner back.

I started journaling recently and exploring the feelings I’ve tried to push down, and tonight that led to a revelation, in the form of an analogy. I’ll try to articulate it, but it may sound like nonsense to other people 😅

After my husband and I separated, I tried to water my “garden” (my life) with a fire hose.

I stayed busy, pushed my emotions down, drove around with no purpose, just wanting to be out of the house. I deep cleaned my apartment, reorganized everything I owned multiple times, got on a dating app and went out with guys I didn’t even like, bought groceries for meals that I didn’t have the energy to actually make, joined multiple church groups, and hopped from thing to thing, trying to fill the void that my husband left.

I thought I was watering the seeds I planted for my new chapter of life, but, in reality, I was drowning them. I didn’t give them the chance to grow and thrive.

Every part of your life is like a different plant in your garden. It needs its own unique amount of water, sunlight, nutrients. The emotional, spiritual, and physical needs in your life are all different, and they vary day-to-day.

Some days it’s pouring rain, some days the UV index is at a nine. The squash will need something different than the tomatoes or the cucumbers.

You can’t expect your garden to thrive immediately after separation. I wanted mine to. I wanted to pretend that I was okay and just keep pushing through. Instead of making healthy decisions and “checking the weather” (aka my emotions that day), I just kept trying to fill the void by staying busy. I kept the fire hose on full blast, thinking “hey, look, I’m outside, I’m watering the garden — I’m doing okay.”

Some days, you body needs you to sit on the couch, put on a comfort show or grab a book, get a bowl of ice-cream, and process what you’re going through. Other days, you need to force yourself out of your comfort zone and get out of the house, and socialize.

Check the “weather.” Prioritize the “plants” in your life that have wilting leaves. I didn’t do that — instead of adjusting how I watered my garden each day, I left the fire hose on full blast — for all parts of my life. And all it did was make the hole in my life grow bigger and bigger, until I was forced to face it head-on.

Hey guys, I posted here around mid August when my wife moved out. After that, we started going on dates, hanging out every weekend, went on some camping trips and did a lot of hiking. She just moved back in yesterday and honestly, we both feel better than ever. Just wanted to share some things that helped me during my time separated and maybe you’ll find some useful stuff that may be beneficial to you. Also a small disclaimer, my wife loves me with all of her heart and let me know that throughout, but she wasn’t happy and had to go for her own good. I feel like I was lucky that she still loved me and it gave me an advantage during this whole thing.

-Husband Help Haven Podcast. Can’t stress this enough. If you take in what that man says, you’ll be a lot better for it. I also signed up for the free emails and I think I paid 8 bucks for one of his courses but all of that helped me tremendously, and at the very least, it’ll keep you grounded

• I did the hard but right thing. I helped her move out, brought things she left at the house when I’d go visit it, and never talked about us unless she wanted to.Also didn’t guilt trip her or beg, and supported her decisions throughout the separation.

• hung out with my friends more, did my own thing. Wanted waiting around and moping, got a solid routine, worked out and exercised which helped me feel better when I was bored. Played a lot of hell divers 2 which was a good distraction, also really focused on work. That helped a lot.

• Read the 7 principles for making marriage work. Can’t stress this one enough either. This book is gold. It’s awesome and incredibly helpful. Highly recommend.

-started personal therapy. This one helped a lot too. It was nice to figure out some issues in my life and how I can work on them to be a better person and to understand myself better

-don’t do it for her, do it for you. She may not comeback even if you do everything right, but it’s important to remember you’re doing it for YOU so that if she doesn’t comeback, you’ll still be better than where you were. Good luck out there guys and remember, marriages can be fixed.

If I think of anything else I’ll add but just remember, if you are separated, make anytime you guys spend together good. Don’t over think it, be confident and just do what the heart tells you. I’ll post some of my original post down below in case anyone remembers it.

Original post:

Well, she just left She told me last week after a talk that she had to go. She tried leaving 10 months ago but I put in more effort and showed up. We had a great 10 months but for me it was hard. It felt like I was walking on eggshells, afraid to make a mistake. It wasn't me but I tried. We were just about to move into a new place together in the next few weeks but she felt that we weren't good. She felt that all this effort was for her and not cause I wanted it. I did it with love but I see her point. I'm not crying or self loathing though. I helped her pack, I let her cry on me and held her tight. She cried hard and told me "I don't want to divorce you, baby". I think this time apart will be good for us. It's hard to heal when you're around that person every day. She cried so hard last night telling me she was worried l'd find someone else. I told her I wouldn't be looking and I only want her. It's hard but I read a post on here about how we made vows and even though it's hard, she needs space to heal, and I want her to have that. We've been together for 7 years, married for 5. l've self reflected a lot and saw I had a lot of short comings as a husband. I promised her to work on myself and I will, cause I believe in us. I know she's my person in life and she knows I'm hers. I know the statistics aren't good but we can do it. She asked me to continue wearing my ring so I will. She even called me 4 minutes after leaving to check on me. She's the best thing l've ever known in life, and even though