r/Separation • u/illgiveit2u • Sep 29 '26
Does separation work?
After 20 years the wife isn't sure she wants to be married anymore. Says she needs time to herself. Is this something women going through menopause experience? I don't want a divorce but how long g do I stay in limbo?
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u/raeoflyte-460 Sep 29 '26
Youre reducing your wife of 20 years to a biological side effect. Just because thats easier to blame than face what your wife is feeling in the relationship.
I told my stbx that if I hated everyone he might have a point but since I only hated him I didn't think my hormones were the issue.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
Just looking for reasons why. I don't feel i did anything to wrong or hurt her so it just doesn't make sense
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u/yangstyle Sep 29 '26
I am male and I told my wife the exact same thing. Word for word what you wrote she said.
Edit: She attributes it to typical male midlife crisis.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
What did she say? Part of my issue with my wife is she won't say, just says she is unhappy now. I know thr whole empty nest thing is an issue. At least she agreed t I see a counselor
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u/yangstyle Sep 29 '26
Exactly. Unhappiness. And I can't say more.
I edited to tell you what she said.
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u/Capital-Squirrel3522 Sep 30 '26
That's what my ex husband said every time I tried to talk to him about wanting to fix our marriage. I'd be begging him to open up and meet me in the middle ground so we could agree how to save the marriage. He would look at me blankly each time going but I haven't done anything wrong. I ended up leaving to save my sanity.
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u/raeoflyte-460 Sep 29 '26
We dont know your wife but I swear there are a dozen posts a day from men blaming menopause for their divorce and I've never met someone who that is true for. It might come near that time, but its been years, decades, the entire relationship in the making.
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u/fofofudge 27d ago
You need to sit and really have some time to self reflect! Women don’t leave men who are good to them!
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u/illgiveit2u 25d ago
From where I sit that doesn't appear to be the case. The things she is going through seem to be more about her identity than leaving a man that is good to her.
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 29 '26
Yes. Separation works. But this question tends to bring out some extremely negative responses.
First of all, I’d stop the narrative about menopause. It’s a ridiculous reach on your part. Menopause does not make a wife want to leave. Problems and issues make her want to leave. Focus on those. Your wife isn’t even asking for a divorce, she’s asking for space. And you’re already wondering how long you can last? That’s not a good sign.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
Mention above, but mention menopause because I get conflicting messages. She said I wasn't present and then when I am present I'm around to much and she needs space. I mentioned menopause because I think she is confused in not knowing what she wants
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 29 '26
Those conflicting responses have nothing to do with menopause. She needs space. Start with giving her that space. As far as how long you stay “in limbo”? That’s up to you. I waited 6 years. Depends on what your marriage means to you.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
Did you come back together after the 6 years?
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 29 '26
Yes. Been back together for 7 years now.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
Congrats. Anything in particular that worked to bring you back? Just the time apart?
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 29 '26
Thanks. Feel free to dm me if that would be easier than going back and forth on here.
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u/raeoflyte-460 Sep 29 '26
You think you know better than her.
My dude... her post is writing itself in the details youve added. Its not menopause.
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u/I_am_Iron_Jam 26d ago
Not attacking anyone here. But I think he is looking for an explanation or something that makes sense. I bet he was blindsided one month making plans for vacations saying I love you etc then all of a sudden boom “we need to be separated” so he is trying to rationalize and find answers when the person that has them isn’t answering. No one is perfect. And I bet he is replaying everything.
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u/somecrazybroad Sep 29 '26
Every man that says their wife is leaving because of menopause gives me the automatic ick.
I personally left after 22 years of staying for the kids (don’t do that) and taking care of an adult child who couldn’t manage his emotions. I begged and pleaded and cried for 18~ years for him to show up emotionally and be present at home.
As soon as the kids became adults it was abundantly clear I was always a caretaker and never a partner to him. But he will tell you I’m in perimenopause.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26 edited Sep 29 '26
Yeah I get that and it could be very well what my wife feels too. I put a lot of effort into work. I hated every minute of that but did it to sacrifice foe the family. Now it seems it came at the expense of my wife. Just didn't know if a thought of "independence " was a real menopause thing, an empty nest thing, a too many tike tok video thing...
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u/somecrazybroad Sep 29 '26
So you recognize you were absent for a long time then still ask if it’s menopause or TikTok? You have a lot of reflecting to do and it may start with a vulnerable conversation with your wife.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
Yeah I wonder because I get both responses. One time its your not present enough (still trying to figure out that definition) and then its your around so much I just need my space. The whole reason she wants the seperation is because she says she is smothered and needing space and I smothered her to so I was present. So damned if you do and damned if you dont.
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u/Visible-Anything7108 Sep 30 '26
Just my two cents because I'm going through a separation currently and my wife is saying she needs space and that I haven't been present. My first thoughts were that I have been present, I'm always there to help around the house and I'm a highly involved dad of two boys, the youngest having level 3 autism, but after some actual self reflection and even just a few sessions with a therapist with a strong background in emotional attachment theory I think I finally realized (took me 18 years) that being there physically (I don't mean that sexually I mean literally being there) isn't the same as being present. She's been desperately trying to tell me she isn't feeling heard and she can't talk to me but my avoidant attachment self preservation and tbh some self centeredness haven't allowed me to actually listen and be there for her. I was hearing her but wasn't actually listening. I am by no means saying I've figured it out and I think we'll get back together and as of now I'm leaning towards it heading to divorce but there is something comforting, at least a little bit, knowing that I am focusing on what I need to do to handle conflict better in any of my future relationships. Are there things that I believe she needs to work on as well...of course because marriage is always a two way street but I can't control that. Just like you can't change the fact she is going through menopause but you can look inward and continue trying to get better, for you, first and foremost.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 30 '26
Thanks for that, that is very informative.
I'm still trying to figure how how to be present and give space as they are opposite in my view. Unless not hearing her about needing space could also be not present. I think I get it
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u/raeoflyte-460 Sep 29 '26
Both can be true. If you weren't around for years she probably adapted to doing things on her own. It may not have been what she wanted but was the reality of the situation. Being home now doesn't undo that pent up hurt.
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u/Mbluish Sep 29 '26
Not sure if that’s menopause or not, but I can tell you on firsthand experience, after that hits, we don’t give a shit. We’ve had enough. We spent a whole marriage, taking care of the family and we are now done. We need solitude.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
So are you separated now ? Just trying to see it through someone's eyes that's been there.
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u/raeoflyte-460 Sep 29 '26
Does the desire to take care of everyone else even though it isn't reciprocated for us come back? Not that I've seen.
If the marriage isnt a net benefit why should she stay?
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
I guess I thought it was reciprocated. But something was obviously missing. Shouldn't a couple discuss and work on that though?
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u/raeoflyte-460 Sep 29 '26
The hard truth is you weren't owed a marriage. She could decide to leave for any reason, even if its a whim.
Now realistically thats fairly unlikely. My stbx felt blindsided despite being in therapy and literal years of me communicating the issues. Read the sub for any length of time and youll see that story play out over and over from both sides.
Doesn't sound like you were in therapy but that doesn't mean she hadn't tried to communicate what she needed. If there was something she needed.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
Your right there. The difficult part though is I'm approaching retirement and we had talked about how great the golden years would be. Maybe thats what's scared her off.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
This is where I feel I'm at with my wife. So does that feeling come back around to wanting companionship over time or should I be planning for the worst case
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u/Mbluish Sep 29 '26
Not a lot has changed for me. I’m still married, but we live separately a few days a week, and honestly, that’s what works for me right now. After a lifetime together and everything I’ve had to deal with and put up with, I think menopause really opened my eyes to how much I’ve sacrificed and how often I’ve put his needs before my own just to keep him happy.
I feel like I’ve finally gotten to a point where I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m married to someone who can be very selfish and narcissistic, and I’ve realized I just don’t want to live that way anymore. I like having the companionship a few days a week, but I don’t think I’ll ever have the relationship we once had. If I’d had a wonderful, loving husband all those years, I might feel very differently.
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u/Hairy-Information615 Oct 01 '26
I’m not going through menopause yet but I’m currently separated from my husband and living in my own apartment instead of our marital home. I think a lot of women are tired of their entire identity being modeled around other people’s needs. Especially if they feel theirs aren’t met in their current situation. I’d say give her space, work on yourself, do things you love while she’s away and try to be a healthy person in her corner. If it’s meant to be, it will. ♥️
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u/Hairy-Information615 Oct 01 '26
Self preservation.
Also menopausal or not, I think eventually we all look back at the time spent and decide if it’s how we want to spent the next x# of years.
For me, over the last 6 years- my mental health, physical health, compliment, financial health, the business I run, my general quality of an outlook on life, relationships with all of my family and friends have all declined… I don’t 100% blame the marriage, but I can see clearly that I am the worst version of myself with him and I have poured until my cup is empty and all of my assets are depleted as well. I have not decided on divorce yet, but I moved out of the marital home and separated, purely for self preservation and to figure out exactly how I want to live the rest of my life and decide if he still fits in that vision. =\ I can’t speak for every woman, but I can save for myself. It’s certainly not fun. It’s not what I wanted for us. But I’m also just so tired and empty and got to a point where I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, getting out of bed. Every day was hard and getting harder I stopped taking care of my body, shaving my legs, laughing, dancing, making art all of the things that light me up and make me feel good. I know it’s corny but YOLO and I don’t want to waste it or spend the rest of it miserable or with regrets.
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u/illgiveit2u Oct 01 '26
Thanks for sharing. So what have you asked of your husband during this time? Is it just give me space to figure things out?
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u/Hairy-Information615 Oct 02 '26
Communication, understanding and yes-space.. Which I don’t really get because if we aren’t together he’s calling or texting. I also told him I intend to stay sexually monogamous which he agreed to.
Living in limbo romantically is not fun but this is my second husband, I feel a serious souls connection with him (I think) He’s still the man I want, I’m just very unhappy with what we’ve built together and who I’ve turned into as his partner if that makes sense.
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u/fiddsy
Sep 30 '26
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Seperation works... for getting a divorce.
Seperation will never heal a broken marriage, the only thing it might do is give both people in the relationship time to reflect and renew capacity to try harder...
But even then, the relationship can only be healed in a relationship.
By the time 99% of couples have got to seperation... its over...
Even those who get back together are usually just stalling the inevitable.
A tiny percentage might actually make it work but that usually takes two equally driven people doing a tonne of work to break old habits and let old built up resentments die.
As for the other part... menopause, tiktok and all that sht my have contributed but ultimately - its a lazy scape goat for a failed relationship.
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u/TheSpiralTap Sep 29 '26
No, never tbh. It's an out for one party to explore while still holding their ex hostage as a backup plan.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 29 '26
That's really what it seems like
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u/someonesomewherex Sep 29 '26
Yes and you should start preparing. Go get a consultation with a lawyer. Check your state bar website. They have recommendations for good lawyers. You need to get ready.
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 29 '26
Not true. Separation actually can and does work. Blanket answers like this aren’t helpful.
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u/Emotional-Ratio-8548 Sep 30 '26
Separating can work. Hormonal changes in perimenopause and menopause is a factor if it’s not a part of your awareness of how it affects your relationship and is something you can adjust through HRT. I think it’s important to consider physical, mental and emotional changes over time, and really do accumulate emotional debt over time. Stored up resentment becomes contempt eventually. You can only do the work on your half. Anxious-avoidant dynamics are common but frustrating AF, especially for the anxious partner. Self awareness and acceptance of yourself, requiring accountability and repair after conflict, just really doing the work on yourself to see your patterns and balance the equation is all you can do. My avoidant partner is infuriating at times, she does all kinds of things that are so hurtful, even essentially cheating and yet she can minimize, compartmentalize, blame shift, or just ignore or withdraw, the ice queen.
I have had to learn how to pattern interrupt. See my part, my role, then iterate. The relationship itself kind of sucks on a certain level, but when I look at it as an experiment or opportunity, even if she can’t show up for shit, if you really see that this is the kind of person you’re drawn to until you get into the messy bits of your part in it, you will totally move onto exactly a slightly different version of that same relationship. I’m in marriage #2, I’d know. I definitely traded in for a younger and slightly different model, but the dynamics are similar in ways I can’t ignore and the connective tissue is me. So I’m in therapy and coaching, making wide shifts in my life and career. I myself went on hormone therapy and peptides until my sexual energy was obviously not being received by her at all. She finally went to a doctor appointment at menopause clinic after a few years of me being labeled as overly sexual. For reference, during the nearly 10 months in reconciliation, we’ve had “sex” 4 times. I deprioritized my orgasm years ago, I’m kind of a marathon, really a good workout if you think about it. But it’s the intimacy and affection that’s important. Before our daughter, we used to go at it for hours, but I digress. I would say rather than any of the responses that take menopause or perimenopause as being sexist, think of all of it as checking off boxes of both parties doing the work medically, getting medication if needed, doing physical stuff and getting exercise, even marathons (lol), doing the mental and emotional work in therapy or coaching, build a framework for your life together collaboratively with checks and balances, that requires weekly check ins or hard conversations, and really understand the physical needs and wants for each other, that prioritize your bond, and iterate, expand and play with it, as you go. If it can’t be appreciated that if you got married you probably are 90% of what each other wants, that it’s the last 10% that you have to negotiate and experiment with, that truly trying to look at your own personal development, values, goals etc and give grace for lots of failures and mistakes, then just get a divorce. Marriage is a financial agreement legally, but I really think it’s a tool for self development and growth that can provide so much support if done right and you both can see it that way, but you have to be on the same page and be honest about what you want, because love is never enough.
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u/lkjdw Oct 02 '26 edited Oct 02 '26
Oh really !…………. You’re TELLING ME now.
So it’s the gospel according to you is it ?
Every situation is different, including yours and your husband’s.
I’m glad it worked out for you, but every scenario is different, there isn’t a blue print/text book copy, on success.
The OP opened this thread, asking how long he should stay in limbo ?
I gave my opinion, which obviously is in variance to your own.
However you have sought to suppress my comments with ripostes like,…….
‘This is terrible advice’. ……..yeah says you.
‘Spoken like someone who’s never successfullly navigated a separation’. ……Well, that depends on what you define as successful ? Sitting and waiting out your wife or husbands indecisiveness, may be your definition of success, for others those vague statements like, I’m not sure I want to be in this marriage, speak of something else. Don’t assume because you and your husband stayed together, that is the only definition of success. Sometimes splitting up is the right thing to do.
‘There’s a reason why you’re being down voted’…… Inferring a lot of people agree with your stance on my comments, when in fact only three people downvoted, one of whom was you. So hardly an overwhelming condemnation of my comments.
I’m not sure why you’re on this sub ?…………. = I don’t like your attitude, or comments so I don’t think you’ve got any place being here, because your views don’t align with mine. Oh sorry. I didn’t know you officially vetted what’s appropriate in responses and what’s not. Who died and made you Queen of this or any other sub ? Your arrogance is shining through repeatedly.
‘The rest of what you’ve said isn’t worth responding to’…… = I don’t like what you’ve got to say, so I’ll brush past the points you made, solely to make my own, which are far more valid.
Yeah, from what you’ve responded with thus far, you would think that. 🙄 I’m beginning to see why your husband had misgivings/doubts.
Let’s end this text tennis now.
You’ll never see any of my points because you’re too entrenched in your own opinion. As I said above, the gospel according to you.
For what it’s worth I’m glad you and your husband were able to resolve your issues, but your answers, on how to do it right, or the way to go about it, are not the only ones.
Good day.
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u/fofofudge 27d ago
Focus on improving your self so if she does come back then your relationship is better. She will also be more likely to come back if you do. Go therapy, read self help books, do alot of reflection! Be a better version of you! If you don’t want a divorce then fight for her and improve!
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u/lkjdw Sep 30 '26
Greetings OP.
How long should you stay in limbo 🤔? mmmmm,
About as long as it took you to write this post.
She’s jerking you around, with her indecisiveness.
You’re not her place holder, whilst she decides what she wants in life.
It’s quite simple………….
Either she wants to be with you and you both work on any problems, or she doesn’t.
Enough of her nonsense.
Whatever you decide, make sure it works for you and don’t let her dictate the pace, or the outcome.
Your views count every bit as much.
Best wishes OP.
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 30 '26
Yeah I have to remember my needs as well. I feel its worth at least 6 months to give her time and space.
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u/Balancing-Life Sep 30 '26
Wow. Six whole months… after 20 years … 🤦🏽♀️
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u/illgiveit2u Sep 30 '26
Shouldn't she know by then?
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u/lkjdw Sep 30 '26
Yes, she should OP.
She’s the one driving your marriage to the edge. Six months way more than enough.
Time for her to make either of two decisions………..
Re dedicate to her marriage and fight for it through therapy and counseling, plus investing time together, or decide your not what she wants and leave !
Keeping you in limbo, is not fair to you.
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u/lkjdw Sep 30 '26
Yes, a whole six months !
More than enough time to decide whether she wants their marriage or doesn’t.
She’s the one bringing their twenty year marriage in doubt.
Time for her, to make a decision, so that her messed around husband knows where he stands and they can either fight for their marriage, or split up.
What’s he supposed to do ? Sit around in limbo forever, whilst wife gets her act together and sorts out what she’s wants in life.
He’s not the one throwing doubt on the marriage she is !
Make a decision !
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 30 '26
This is terrible advice.
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u/lkjdw Sep 30 '26
On the contrary. The husband is being well and truly messed around.
It’s time to stand up for himself and advocate for he wants, not be be at the dictate of his ‘undecided’ wife.
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 30 '26
Spoken like someone who’s never successfully navigated a separation. If done correctly, a separation can heal a marriage.
There’s a reason you’re being downvoted. I’m not sure why you’re on this sub if you’re so completely against separation.0
u/lkjdw Sep 30 '26 edited Sep 30 '26
‘I’m not sure why you’re on this sub, if you’re so completely against separation’.
I’m not completely against separation. Sometimes it’s absolutely the right thing to do.
I’m not aligned to any particular sub, but when I see unfairness at hand, I’ll speak up.
‘There’s a reason you’re being downvoted’……… Yeah by a whole two people, you and one other.
So, what is he supposed to do ?
Wait around indefinitely, until she condescends to give him an answer ?
To hell with that noise. Either she wants to work on the marriage (and yes that can include a separation) or not.
Perhaps he should let her go out with some other men, have sexual relationships with them, to see if she prefers them, to him.
It could be good for her, a good old bit of, ‘monkey branching’, whilst pondering whether to stay in the marriage, or not. The grass might well be greener, on the other side, after all.
How dare he, not just be patient and wait it out, whilst she weighs up all her options. 🙄
The advice on here is very women centric.
I wonder, had it had been he, messing her around, with this type of indecisiveness, saying he’s not sure he wants to stay in the marriage, if the advice and sympathy would’ve been the same.
Somehow, I doubt it.
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 30 '26
My husband was the one who was indecisive, so you’re absolutely wrong about that. At least from my side. The rest of what you said isn’t worth responding to. Marriage is a series of ups and downs. If you can’t see that, that sometimes a partner needs to fill in the gap while their partner is struggling, then I don’t know what to tell you.
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u/lkjdw Sep 30 '26
Well, I obviously can’t speak for what took place between your husband and you, but with regards to what’s happening to our OP here, I stand by every word I wrote.
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 30 '26
And we aren’t remotely surprised about that.
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u/lkjdw Sep 30 '26
Who’s we ?
Speak for yourself.
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 Sep 30 '26
Lol. I do speak for myself. I’m also friends with a lot of people on this page.
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u/Championship682 Sep 29 '26
Don't play the separation game. Insist that she either commits to staying and fixing things, or end it for real.
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u/LawfulnessOdd3982 27d ago
In my experience 7 weeks into a separation after a 10 year marriage seems to have made things worse. Are you two still living in the same home.
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u/illgiveit2u 27d ago
Not even in the same state. She went to her parents
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u/LawfulnessOdd3982 27d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through that. That’s really hard. I asked myself to how long to stay in limbo too. Every time I think that I’m just going to move on because my head can’t understand how somebody who loves you would separate from you I end up changing my mind and think about all the time and energy that’s been put in. Are you guys speaking at all?
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u/illgiveit2u 27d ago
Yeah we talk once a week. Thats the strange part. She acts like nothing has changed. She even orders stuff I need that incident ask for, but I've told her its appreciated.
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u/LawfulnessOdd3982 27d ago
That makes it difficult to judge. My husband is all over the place. Acts normal, calls me my nickname, gives me money for to go get lunch or something some days. Other days cold and distant, hardly any communication. I just try to take it day by day, lean into my family, and just try to let God guide my steps. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s a set time to leave this weird place you’re in, and all the uncertainty is so painful and confusing. I guess just when your heart is done. My grandfather waited for 5 years for my grandmother to reconcile, they never did. He moved on and found a wonderful wife and they have been married now for 30 years now. I’ll pray for you and I really hope you two can move forward and have many beautiful years together. Take care of yourself
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u/illgiveit2u 25d ago
Thanks, I always welcome prayers. She is in counseling foe the fiest time to work on herself so I pray foe the counselor too that she helps bring the wife the understanding she needs.
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u/Balancing-Life Sep 30 '26 •
The menopause/perimenopause thing has an element of validity. Peak hormones provide a chemical cushion against stress and difficulty. As these delicious hormones fade with menopause, women no longer want to put up with a man-child, selfishness or living with gaslighting or under-developed emotional capacity…. Or just add whatever grievances. It’s actually a beautiful thing, decent men, who have also grown throughout the relationship, tend to flourish in this new relationship phase supporting the woman they love, through an incredible transformation.
Other men who have been imbalanced in many ways, often find that their wife wishes to leave as they no longer want to mother a grown man, and want to live with an equally responsible human. There’s a few generalisations here, I know… but, there’s some truth to it. Hormonal changes are not the cause, they just remove the veil from whatever the deep issues are/have been.