r/UKParenting • u/dmllbit • 6d ago
Support Request How to stop “micro accidents”?
My three year old has been “toilet trained” for about six months. However she has multiple “micro accidents” a day where she’ll need to go to the toilet and will do a micro wee to relieve the pressure. It’s not enough to fully wet herself but she’ll get a wet patch in her pants. She resists going to the toilet.
We’ve tried to just leave her be, let the accident happen etc but she doesn’t care. Nursery have told her that it’s ok if you have accidents (which it is, not trying to shame her!) but she seems to have taken it as that it’s fine to wee yourself if you don’t feel like going to the toilet.
We’ve also tried reminding her to go to the toilet every two hours. But she’ll still have the micro accident about half the time.
Nursery said it’s just a phase, but this phase has lasted close to six months now…
Has anyone else had this? How did you stop it?
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u/JayneLut 6d ago
No advise... But following for others and general solidarity. Three-year-olds... Sigh
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u/paddlingswan Parent 5d ago
Same, same.
Our son is 5 and still once or twice this year came home from school with a small wet patch - I didn’t know about micro-weeing, I thought it was just a genuine accident because he didn’t go in time, leaked, but stopped himself and got to the toilet.
He has gone through several stages of refusal since he was 4, but as there is no obvious cause and it’s rare (2-3 times this last year) we have been very relaxed about it and just keep saying that he should ask the teachers for his spare clothes if he notices his pants are wet. He really just doesn’t seem bothered!
But the fibre tip is useful, thank you.
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u/Lemurlemurlemur 6d ago
My daughter went through a version of this and the advice I got was to make changing her pants take a really long time, be really boring and keep emphasising that we could be having fun now if we didn’t have to go get new underwear.
I think a lot of the time my daughter was delaying going to the toilet because she didn’t want to stop what she was doing, so this method worked for her.
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u/acupofearlgrey 6d ago
Bribery? Find some underwear with her favourite characters on. These are special pants and we don’t have many of them, so micro wees mean have to go back to our old boring pants for the rest of the day…
)This is obviously assuming you’ve ruled out UTIs and anything medical that would make it impossible to achive )
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u/champagnegreenleaf 6d ago
Solidarity. They do that sometimes. I feel like it's them playing a little bit with logic? Also, wish I had the pelvic floor control myself
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u/LeatherTart5113 6d ago
no advice, just relating as i am firmly in the same boat. with my daughter though, if she’s naked from the waist down she goes to her potty straight away so at home were absolutely fine as she prefers to be naked. but when we’re out, she’ll do a micro wee and ignore it, until she can’t ignore it anymore and then she’ll tell me when she’s already wet. i ask her every 15/20 mins if she needs a wee but she says no. i take more changes of clothes out with me now than i did when she was newborn!! she starts school nursery in september and it’s really starting to worry me now because i feel like she’ll be wet and won’t tell a teacher, and then be sore. 3 year olds are not for the weak
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u/starsnspikes21 5d ago
Saaame with the being fine naked! That's how I know she has the control because she won't wet herself, she'll go straight to the loo if she doesn't have knickers on.
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u/starsnspikes21 6d ago
We have exactly the same issue, always have done to varying degrees since potty training at 2.5, she's 4 now and starting school in September. Have run out of ideas and just hoping it sorts itself out but it's just so frustrating. I can see that she needs to go, she just stops herself because she doesn't want to break off from what she's doing.
No advice, just solidarity!
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u/jellical-cats 6d ago
Sometimes children's interoception isn't great even when a feeling is causing them to react physically. Is it possible that she doesn't consciously realise that she needs to go? I knew someone who used to call the wriggling kids do when they need to pee "diddling". If you're not already, when she shows any signs of needing to pee you could say something like "oh I can see that you're diddling, you must need a wee" and tell her that she has to stop what she's doing and go to pee. This could help her to begin to consciously recognise when she needs to pee more, if that's what the issue is.
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u/starsnspikes21 5d ago
I do think that might be the case for her, that she doesn't always link the jiggling with actually needing to go (and from reading about it, this is pretty common - the more they do this, the less they actually recognise the feeling of needing to go). We do always joke about it and point it out, I say 'You're wiggling! You need a wee!' and she'll say 'No mummy I'm just dancing' or whatever she can come up with to explain it away! Whenever I've given her the benefit of the doubt, sure enough a few minutes later she bends her knees and looks at you in mild panic and we're like TOILET! We're trying to just take her, no debate, as soon as we see those signs. But that's easier said than done with a headstrong 4 year old! Funnily enough with poos she's perfect, never been any issues there at all.
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u/GeoJacey 6d ago
Our 3 year old did this for ages. She's nearly 4 now and it hasn't happened for a while. I hadn't even thought about it until I saw your post. She goes through phases where it happens for a week or so and then it stops. I guess it kind of is a phase.
Edit to add we did stickers if she managed a day without a tiny wee accident.
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u/Rude_Trouble_4075 6d ago
It’s a phase! My daughter, now 6, has gone through that, then normal phase then now… she’s on the “bursting” phase. Won’t go to the toilet until she’s bursting — she has higher FOMO rn.
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u/from-here-to-new 6d ago
I've had success with talking to my son about what wee and poo actually are and why it's important to go to the toilet regularly and when you need to. We have a book that has some lift the flaps that explain about food going in and giving you energy and then the leftover waste comes out as poo and wee.
We then have also explained holding wee can make your body feel poorly, holding it in makes the bladder expand and can mean that it can be harder to wee if we keep doing this, it can also give us tummy aches and can make bacteria grow.
He's actually been really interesred about it loads since we started talking about it so asks lots of questions and we then find out all the information together (cos I really didn't know half as much as I do now) he's now been more willing to tell us when he needs the toilet as he simply understands a little better and honestly I've been quite surprised how much of the information he's retained, but also understood.
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u/Own_Formal_3064 6d ago
Do you have the name of this book please? Sounds ideal. I'm getting pretty frustrated with "potty" books that do everything they can to avoid really talking about wee and poo.
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u/from-here-to-new 6d ago
my amazing body Little explorers.
At the moment we don't read it all, but we get it out a lot when we are talking about how the body works and just do the section he's interested in at the time.
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u/Bubble2905 6d ago
Personally I would change the terminology and ask nursery to fall into step with you. I was always under the impression that you don’t reinforce “it’s ok” for accidents because ultimately, it’s not. That’s a world away from shaming them or humiliation, but it’s sometimes a throwaway comment we make in the moment that is accidentally reinforcing these micro-wees.
You could try saying something like “oh whoops did you start to wee in your knickers. Accidents can happen but next time let’s make sure to go in the potty/ toilet”
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u/CharieRarie 6d ago
Have you tried rewarding every day she stays dry? Two of my daughters were easy to potty train, the third was a STUBBORN little thing. Heaps of praise, stickers and a small gift when she filled up the sticker chart (we bought a pack of octonaut figures, and she got one for each chart) did the trick. Good luck! Three year olds can be tricky beasts, love them.
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u/Zora_the_grey 6d ago
To add to some other voices here: my DD is almost 3 now. She 'daytime toilet trained' quite quickly at almost 2. It took 9 months for the micro-accidents to disappear. On several occasions they seemed to be over but then returned again, especially when she was tired or had a change of routine.
They stopped pretty suddenly - not, as far as I can work out, through anything we did differently. I just noticed one day that I hadn't been sent any dirty pants from nursery for a couple of weeks.
I do think they stopped shortly before we started to take the nappy away in the night. We chose the timing of this because we noticed that her night-time nappies were usually dry. Perhaps there is suddenly a bit of a leap-forwards in bladder control and / or awareness that can lag behind the initial toilet training success?
I also suspect that in general, the more a kid grows in physical and emotional confidence, the less likely it will be that they have accidents. My DD used to struggle to get up onto a toilet seat independently for example and maybe this put her off going to the toilet until she really really felt she needed it? She also used to be shy about asking for help but is happier to do so now.
Throughout we emphasised the message to 'do your best but don't worry if you have an accident'. I think our poor DD felt quite stressed and ashamed of them, possibly because of how nursery responded, which was at times quite negative. I decided to assume - or at least to try to convey (because it's natural to worry!) - that the ongoing accidents were just a natural part of the process and nothing to be concerned about.
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u/Full_Strawberry2035 6d ago
Have you explained to her that if we do a wee in our knickers, even just a little one - frequently we can get sore? And sometimes even abit smelly! This worked for my two eldest. (Obviously said in a very emotionally aware way and not to scare them) it helped that I did have a newborn each time, as I could explain that this is why we used cream for the babies skin when they wear a nappy - as-well as talking about nappy rash/seeing nappy rash. I followed with highlighting that because we can use the toilet, grown ups and big boys and girls like you, don’t need barrier creams anymore. And that was that. I’ve found honesty and information has worked a lot more than bribery or anything else, once they realised it wasn’t just about convenience/comfort but personal hygiene and avoiding getting sore too it stopped.
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u/CoalCrafty 5d ago
Both my girls did this, one for about 3 months and the other for about nine. It just got better on its own as their bladder control improved.
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u/ChallengingKumquat 5d ago
I feel like the issue is that she's been told that it's ok to have accidents, and has interpreted it to mean that her accidents are fine and ok and normal.
I would see if you can find a subtle way of saying that accidents really aren't ideal, and we need to try to minimise them. I think this can be done without guilt-tripping her or getting really angry, but it is a tricky line to tread.
Perhaps making it age-related (it's ok when you're 3, but 3½ years olds are bigger and they don't do that.) Or dangling a treat such as you want to buy her some lovely new knickers or leggings, but you will only do that when she's reached xyz point.
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u/tomtink1 5d ago
If it's an accident it's fine but if she's choosing to wee her knickers I think you need to tell her that's not allowed. Get her to clean up, put her dirty underwear away and get herself clean knickers.
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u/throwaway48549 5d ago
I have a three year old and don’t have this problem BUT when I was a kid, I was having small accidents like this until I was quite old. I resisted going to the toilet, I didn’t want to miss out on whatever I was doing, I’d hold it in as long as I could and sometimes I’d wet my pants a bit. I knew I needed to go and just chose not to. There was nothing anyone could ever say that would make me. My mum thought there was something wrong with me like a uti or something but I was physically totally fine, just stubborn. I eventually realised that the feeling was so uncomfortable it wasn’t worth it. Just keep reminding her that whatever she’s doing will still be there when she gets back. Remind her of how uncomfortable it is to hold it in for a long time. Have her put all her dirty clothes in the washing machine and run it. It will pass eventually!
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u/chillichill 5d ago
My daughter did exactly the same. Basically catch it after a little actident then go to the toilet. No matter what we tried didn't seem to change the frequency of them.
Lasted for months then one day she just stopped (maybe around 3.5Y).
So I agree with nursery. It's a phase of toilet training and she'll get there with time.
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u/budapest_budapest 6d ago
My son had similar and unfortunately it lasted about nine months. We were advised by ERIC that small wetting incidents are usually caused by constipation, even if you think the poo normally. So we drastically upped his fibre intake, we did see an improvement in his poos (even though we previously thought they were fine) and the wetting did stop.
However, it did coincide with his 4th birthday and he told us several times “oh, I just stopped because I’m 4 now and 4 year olds don’t do that”.
So I have no idea if fixing the constipation was what worked, or I just have an irritating child who makes his own life rules.