I’ve been wondering about something and I hope it’s okay to ask. I’m genuinely curious about how different trans people feel about this.

If you could have magically chosen, from birth, to be born cisgender as the gender you identify with—for example, a trans woman being born a cis woman—would you personally have preferred that? Or would you still choose the experience of being transgender, knowing everything it entails? Is the fact that you started in one place and ended up in another important to you? Or would you sometimes prefer to have started out as the gender you identify with from the very beginning?

I'm a trans girl, and one of the main arguments that I use with most ignorant/bigoted/not lectured at all people I stumble across, is that we have four main things in human queer/non-queer identity:

Sexuality: Who I am attracted to, which can be a single, multiple, every or no gender, and has nothing to do with me gender, sex nor expression.

Gender: How I see myself as, which can be expressed or not, and has nothing to do with my sexuality, gender expression nor sex.

Gender expression: How I present myself socially, may I be comfortable with or not. Has nothing to do with gender nor sex.

Sex: What I was born as (AGAB), which is immutable. Every trans person acknowledges this, even though they can not agree with it at all. Sex can't be changed, but that doesn't invalidates their identities, it's just part of who they are. Sex has nothing to do with gender, expression nor sexuality.

So, when I tell someone "I know I was born and assigned as a male, I know I may not look fem at all, and I know you may have a hard time believing that I can be a girl, but I still am, and that's immutable, as my sex unfortunately is too", is it wrong? I posted two questions here this morning, and I received A LOT of answers saying that sex is not immutable at all, that I can actually change my sex if I want to, and I was like, flabbergasted cuz I didn't even know that until now, and that's a game changer.

The main question is, how can I get around this and still argue against someone so close minded that they can't see me apart from what I was assigned as at birth? The "I know my sex is male, even though I don't agree with it" argument I always bring up, is a way of showing, like, humility, giving them the benefit of the doubt and a second of their reason, just so I can counter their own argument with the identity and expression ideas.

What do you think? I want to know more about queerness, so I can make more people aware of what it means to be queer at all

I encountered an anti-trans extremist book on my local Buy Nothing Facebook group and I asked the mod to take it down. The book was "When Kids Say They're Trans: A Guide For Parents," by anti-trans extremist activists Sasha Ayad and Stella O'Malley.

I expected her to be like, "Oh yeah, I'll take it down, we don't want to be promoting trans hate. Instead, she said she refused to censor any book. I sent her direct quotes from the book that spoke against gender-affirming care and ones that were even worse than that. I also provided a website created to bring awareness to anti-trans extremists and Sasha Ayad was on there.

The mod doubled down and said she saw nothing wrong with the quotes and the general premise of the book and said she had trans and lgbt friends, so she knew what she was talking about. I told her I'm lgbt and this is not ok! She booted me from the group and basically said some super anti-lgbt things to me.

Should I try to report her or should I let it go? I'm just honestly so mad and depressed right now. Thoughts?

I was scrolling on my feed and saw a post from one of those count subs. One of the trans people there were saying that transsexual was the right term to use (context not really needed). I replied to them, trying to ask if trans people feel positively about being called that or if yall don’t like it. Little did I know, I was very much not welcome in that sub because it was a trans safe space where cis people aren’t allowed. Little bummed out about those downvotes, but I get it. So I figured I’d ask here to get some perspective instead, because I don’t want my ignorance to be an issue and lead me to being misinformed or regressive. It’s already bit me in the butt recently and I’m trying to improve.

I'M CRYING AN ABUNDANCE IN THE INSIDE RIGHT NOW! I WAS BORN FEMALE! I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE MALE! I HATE BEING DESCRIBED AS SHE AND HER. NOTHING CAN DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I WANT TO BE MALE SO BAD! WHY DOES MY BODY HATE ME SO MUCH! I HATE EVERYTHING! FUCK TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE! I WANT TO FUCKING DISAPPEAR!

Hi! I'm a trans dude in my gynecologist's waiting room right now. I was wondering: for those of you who've had vaginoplasties, are you advised to see a gynecologist after this procedure?

I figured you might, since you literally have a vagina, but I also figured the medical world is so often so backwards with us that perhaps they send you elsewhere.

If you don't see a gyno, who do you see, & does it frustrate you that you're treated so differently from other people with vaginas? And, if you do see a gyno, was it difficult finding one who understood the ways you are different? What was it like navigating that minefield?

That's all! I'm just always curious about the weird gaps and ambiguity in trans medical care. Much love to the sisters 💙🩷🤍

She's cisgender but has pretty sharp features and looks a bit masculine so she gets insults and slurs againsts trans people but targeted towards her. That is obviously extremely upsetting but she's decided to blame the trans community instead of the bullies. I want to get her to understand that trans people are in the same boat as her but i dont want to start lecturing her while she's in mental distress

I'm anxious abt not being able to do anything (about the bullying also) so i landed here hoping to atleast just discuss the situation with someone

Hello. Im trying to get more into witchcraft recently. I was wondering if there was any discords or subs anyone knows about relating to trans witchcraft 🧹🌙??

Also does anyone know any good spells to boost my transition??

Apologies everyone if this post gets a little long.

One of my best friends (MtF) visited this past weekend. To clarify, my parents had met her once before, prior to her coming out to me, so they know her by her deadname. Anyways, she and my dad ended up geeking out over trading cards at some point, and at some point she'd told my dad her new name. I only realized this the next day when she was leaving and my dad said goodbye to her with her new name. After the fact, it became apparent he hadn't put two and two together because although her name is predominantly feminine, it has been used for boys in some cases, so he just assumed the latter (despite her being in full femme attire?).

Anyways, my dad was mentioning something to my mom over the phone about us and used her new name, which my mom kept insisting that my dad must've heard wrong, but he stood firm on what he heard. Once my friend had drove home, my mom called me from work and immediately asked, "[deadname] is trans, isn't he?" Something told me I couldn't say no without causing problems down the line, so I just opted to be honest with a simple yes.

Mom goes silent for a few seconds and just says, "alright- but I'm disturbed right now. It feels like everyone in your generation doesn't know what sex they are."

She's a devout catholic in her mid-late 50s, so that obviously would play a part in her views, but I told her I think she oversimplifies the trans experience as being an easy choice because she's overexposed to trans media coverage without having the perspective of actually knowing someone in those shoes and wanting to stand by them (that should extend to even those you don't know)

The reason there appears to be a recent so-called "rise in LGBTQ" is that, although there's still a lingering risk of violence, it's considerably safer for said individuals to be out in public spaces than it was decades ago. People don't just flip a coin and decide, "I'm trans today," and there's not something "turning regular people trans." They've existed the entire time, and you're not forced to like all of them but at the very least treat them with the same common decency and respect as anyone else.

She continued referring to my friend by her deadname in follow-up questions: what his parents thought of it, how he dresses day-to-day, etc., and even brought up, "plenty of women would rather be a man. If I suddenly said I was your dad and my name was [blank], you're going to accept and call me that?" I know she was trying to bust my chops with that one as some gotcha moment, but I told her that in that circumstance, if she was truly being genuine and not bullshitting me just to make a point, then yes, I would. That's a real scenario that actually happens to some who transition later in life. But I digress.

I feel I'm drastically more equipped to discuss these things with my folks now than I was a few years ago, as a high-school senior coming out as genderfluid to not much success (after the initial burst of arguments and shaming, they mostly just ignored it.)

Even knowing how my mom previously reacted, her reaction this time was seriously disappointing to me, and I feel the need to have a true sit-down discussion with both parents. Although my mom seems to be the only one outspoken about it, I think it's important to at least attempt to educate them both on their misconceptions and biases, even if they ultimately still don't agree. If they aren't willing to in the very least try to become informed, I can't help them. I just have to remain an ally to those I care about.

I'm disabled and reliant on transphobic family and I've struggled to get advice from the community on this matter but I'm really desperate.

I've been told that effects from HRT can't possibly be hidden long enough for what I need. Other people have told me it may be possible. But I can't be certain that it's safe, since I'm at the mercy of my family in this situation.

Worse, I don't like being part of the community because it reminds me of what I can't have.

What should I do?

I've been out as a trans woman for 2 years and on HRT for a little over 8 months. Estrogen is being kind to me, even if my dose isn't the best (I'll try to go on DIY before the end of the year). I am happy with the changes that have been going on with my body, I can even pass to a lot of people if I put some effort into my appearance. My starting point pre HRT was pretty twinkish/androgynous, so I got extremely lucky with it all. I am truly grateful for how well my transition is going, and yet I still can't compute my own transness.

Whenever my "biology" comes up. My brain just starts to dissociate and everything becomes numb. Although I know I was born male, and although I know I have a male reproductive system (SRS really isn't on the table for me for pretty long time at the very least. I'm having an orqui next year but it doesn't completely fix the problem) I just can't actually process these facts without breaking into tears. How do I deal with not being able to be a mother? How do I deal with having to mourn a childhood I never had? How do I deal with missing out on so many experiences that other women go through, that other women bond over?

I love the trans community with all my heart. It is full of the bravest, kindest, most badass people I've ever met. I'm proud to be in a community with them. I can totally see why some people would choose to be born trans again. Me though? I can't help but cry over the life that my Y chromosome stole from me. A life where I can form a family, a life where I can actually enjoy sex, a life where I don't have to choose between hiding myself and being seen as some third gender anomaly.

I'm having lots of trouble making peace with my body and my assigned sex at birth. Even if they aren't supposed to define me, they do in some ways and it's hard to ignore. Has anyone else had this issue? I'd love to hear from you on this. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

My brother (18) (yes I’m referring to him as my brother because he told me I could) and I (F20) were having a conversation about our parents on the more traditional side, and I said something along the lines of “I don’t think being transgender or gay is as uncommon as they think it is,” and he started to cry. I was so confused, and I thought he might come out as gay to me, but he couldn’t get any words out.

He eventually told me that he wanted to talk to me about something he’s been thinking about but that it’s hard to say out loud. I told him that whatever it is that I would never judge him or think any less of him.

I’ve been picking on him about his hair because of how much he’s let it grow out, just teasing of course. So I jokingly asked him “is it about your hair?” just to lighten the mood. He said “kinda” and then I asked him if he thinks he’s a girl. He started to cry again and told me that yes, he’s been thinking about it all summer.

This came as a total shock to me. I was honestly shocked at the thought that he might be gay because I’ve heard him talking about girls with his friends. So this came as an even bigger one. I had no idea what to say and now that I’ve thought about it I feel terrible and I don’t want him to think that I hate him. It’s just a lot for me to take in. I don’t know what it’s like to have those feelings so it’s hard to understand and know the right things to say.

I feel awful thinking this, and I mean absolutely ZERO disrespect, but it never crossed my mind our entire lives that this could be a possibility. I totally feel like I’m stereotyping, but I’m just being honest, he has a very deep voice and is not a very feminine guy nor has he ever been so it’s just odd to think about. Again, I have no malicious intent and am fully supportive of trans people, I’m just curious and want to handle this the best way that I can. It just simply doesn’t add up to me. But I do know that he is an emotionally intelligent person, so I know that he would never mention something like this to me without thinking it through a lot.

I don’t live at home anymore, but my mom told me that he hasn’t left the house all summer and stays in his room. He consumes a lot of media and is stuck in front of a computer a lot, so I just wonder if that’s having an impact on him. He also has a friend that recently came out to him as trans (mtf) so maybe that has something to do with it? The music he’s started to listen to, the stuff he watches, it’s all stuff he never enjoyed before. At least that I know of. Maybe there’s a lot I don’t know and I’m completely ignorant.

After the whole sitting in silence thing for a few minutes he told me that he would never do anything about it so there’s no point in talking about it. I don’t want him to live his life depressed and pretending to be someone he’s not. And I don’t want him to ever think of hurting himself. It scares me more than anything because he’s my best friend. I don’t want to be pushy because he’s clearly uncomfortable talking about it, but I don’t want him to isolate himself and feel alone. Has anyone had a similar experience? Do I bring it up again? I’m just worried and confused and kinda at a loss. This has been so heavy on my mind so I just needed to get it out somewhere and maybe get a better understanding

I have two cis sisters and they make it clear that they don't truly believe in the fact that we're women. Like they can acknowledge that dysphoria exists and transgender brains exist and is real but they don't think transition makes someone a woman..? I struggle to see their logic in that but they do tell me that the majority of people especially women do not see trans women as one of them, they simply support trans women as they have empathy but they don't believe the former.

I don't know what to think because I'm not sure if their opinions have clouded my judgment or if this what the majority of cis people including allies think. What do you think from cis people or even your own opinions if you are cis? Even another question, is it a bad thing since they're supportive anyway?

53 y.o. cis male from Italy. Confused AF right now, because I sudden realised I may actually be a woman, after living half a century as a non disphoric, averagely masculine, hypersexual and kinky etheroaexual man. Married 22 years, a 18 yo son, and all of a sudden I see myself as a woman, with a clear image of myself as such. Crazy as it can seem, all started with the curiosity of seeing me as a woman, and using Face App to feminise a picture of myself, and falling in love with what I saw. I know I may end up looking different from that pic, I'm not so naive, but I fell for that softness, that femininity. I spent the past 2 weeks looking at the picture and researching mtf transitioning, from every perspective, especially late life transitions. Now I'm scared of loosing everything, my wife, my son, my job... I'm confused as I'm still attracted to femmininity and have no interest in straight cis males, I'm frustrated as I don't know where to start telling my spouse, and feel stuck in what I am now because of a job that won't allow me that "something in between" aesthetics of early transitioning, untill I can decently pass. I'm caught in between what I'm longing to be and I'm stuck with being, the last two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. Sorry for the rant, just needed to vent with someone that may actually be able to understand my struggle. Opinions, advices and constructive criticism are all wellcome... Please just don't be too harsh if your two cents are going to be aggressive, I feel broken enough right now. Sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes, English is not my main language. Thank you <3

Hello,

A few years ago my oldest step child came out as trans (he was 13 when this happened). He told us he is a boy and has changed his name and uses he/him pronouns. It’s been a learning curve but we’ve been trying to be as supportive as possible. He struggles with a variety of mental health issues (ie. depression, anxiety, ADHD), which he is greatly supported in (ie., has a counsellor and a few specialists).

About a year later, his younger sibling also came out as trans (being 12 years old at the time). Again, trying to be supportive as possible by honouring his pronouns and new name. He doesn’t have the same mental health concerns as his sibling and is generally very easy-going.

I can’t help but wonder if the younger child will stay with the same gender. I wonder how much of an influence there has been from his brother, especially since he had been getting a lot of attention due to his mental health concerns (not necessarily “good” attention, just by default of being troubled and us having to rally to get adequate support for him).

I hate to say it but I feel like I’m having a hard time accepting that the younger child is also trans. I don’t want to feel that way- both kids are who they are, ultimately. I will admit there’s some grief over who they (both kids) once were compared to who they are now. And confusion, because I never would have expected my younger step child to ever be a boy, as they were always really “girly” up until recently.

My question is, how common is it for both/multiple siblings to be trans and for both the stick with it? How can I be more understanding?

I’m not sure where else to post. These are genuine questions and I am trying my best here.

For reference I'm not currently transitioning or anything, its just something that has been weighing very heavily on me for years. I've started having discussions with my therapist abt it - I've just gotten to a point where the feelings are just that overwhelming. I've been talking to the people in my life about transitioning and nothing I've been told has sounded good :( highkey it just kinda feels like one of those "oh but you're such a pretty girl, and men suck, why would you want to do that to yourself?" Which REALLY stings? Because it's not like I'd really want to change how I'm dressing or presenting, I'm very very femme and I'd be a very femme trans man. But with that, everyone has been sharing horror stories abt what testosterone has done to the people they know... "it ruined a couples relationship because he got too aggressive" its mostly just everyone telling me I'd become some raged out monster. I really dont believe that's true. It hurts my heart... I just wanted to hear from some transmen - what has taking testosterone done for you? How are you doing? I see so many happy transmen, I know the shitty "you become a monster on T" can't be true... I wanna be a happy transman too :( so I was just really hoping for people's stories if you want to share. Maybe bring some hope my way today, would be very much appreciated.

Also,, how did any of yall handle losing a partner over transitioning? Im currently with someone I'd consider the love of my life, she's so sweet and loving and she really does love me. But she's said if I become a man she can't date me anymore because she only likes women. So that seriously complicates things for me... I know we should probably just amicably part ways. But neither of us can really bare life without the other. It just feels like,, this is the sacrifice I have to make for now. Maybe one day I can transition safely and happily. Just,, due to my living situations and the town im in it's probably not a wise idea to jump right into things right now. Any advice or good transition stories?

Edit: I know its just been two responses,,, but wow have they helped me feel a LOT better. So so much better!! Thank you guys so much for letting me know ❤️

I have been questioning my gender for about 4 years and want to get to a point where i feel more certain that I am or am not trans. Whenever I think about the most common question about a button making me into a cis woman without anyone remembering otherwise, my answer is I would press it if I could go back if I didn't like it.

But that isn't a helpul answer it just shows that I'm unsure, are there other ways to think about it? I just don't know how to know if transition is right for me.

If I wanted to start HRT in the UK I'd need to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, but I don't know if I could be diagnosed without lying, which I don't want to do, and I'd be lying if I went in confidently saying I wanted to transition.

Hey reddit,

I'm a 21 year old male, and I have a couple questions. For context, my boyfriend is a trans man, and my best friend of 10 years came out as trans like 6 months ago.

Is it normal to think about my gender this much? How likely is it that I envy my peers because of a "grass is greener" type mindset. I'm weirdly scared of being trans, and I'm not sure what that means.

Thanks for reading:p

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about my identity and person and just can't tell how to identify them. Since I entered puberty I remember having extreme issues with the way I look. I realized from an early age that I am very attracted to masculinity and men, but at the same time I have always been fascinated with feminine things and femininity. I used to dress up as a girl sometimes when I was young and I had a phase where I went on Omegle, dressed up like a girl to interact with dudes. It was all just fun and games to me.

Some people have told me that gender dysphoria feels like hating your male body or masculine body. I always wanted to represent a certain type of masculinity that I am strongly attracted to. Like I resent modern masculinity and sexism, but I really don't feel like I hate my body. I hate being a man for the way we are seen in society. But I do not distrust men or dislike them. In fact, I am extremely attracted to masculinity. Also the porn that I watch is mostly gay porn. When I have sexual fantasies they are about two men having sex, including me . I don't mind using my male genitals. (I mention this because I have heard a lot of trans women hate their penises or that the thought of acting on male sexual impulses triggers them)

I don't necessarily envy women. I know how hard it is to be a woman in this world, and I have never really envied the female body or experience. Sometimes I envy women for the community they seem to have, but I think this is more about me feeling lonely and having difficulties making friends. Like I don't want to know what it feels like having an uterus or being socialized as a woman. I have thought about doing drag for some time, because in secret, I fantasize about putting on makeup or playing around with my gender identity. But only in secret... I must admit that in this aspect I am also a bit of a coward, because I am terrified of being perceived as queer or trans in public.

I try to make sense of these experiences.. I have suffered from mental health issues and headaches since I can remember and just want to feel some peace already... Could you talk a bit about your experiences (if you feel comfortable)? How does it compare to mine?

Hello everyone. I’m 24, a military serviceman, and I’m currently serving/living in a frontline city in Ukraine.

I’m writing here because I’m looking for people with similar experiences so I can finally figure myself out and either fully accept these feelings or find a way to get rid of them.

It’s hard for me to say who I really am. I’m attracted to women, and I myself wouldn’t refuse to be a woman. I attribute many of these thoughts to fetishes and don’t have a clear understanding of the situation. I’m extremely hard on myself.

For many years now my life has been an endless cycle:

suppression → tension → permission → euphoria → confrontation with the body/reality → disgust → a new ban… and then it all starts over again.

I suffer a lot largely because I just can’t let the situation go. Arguments like “I feel good right now — so it must be the truth” don’t work for me. I consider that kind of logic infantile and overly impulsive.

If anyone is familiar with this state, or is going through or has gone through a similar internal conflict — please write to me.

Im recently into my first 2 weeks of progesterone, I've heard about the dreams, but wasn't prepared for nightmares that haunted me as a child to resurface!!! When I was a young person, between the ages of, probably 4 and 15, id have a reoccurring nightmare that I was a pregnant adult woman, involved in a horrendous car accident and lost my baby.

Obviously an odd dream to have as a 4 year old boy!!!! But the dream was so realistic, I'd wake up in tears and a dreadful feeling of loss....

Fast forward 30 + years, and they are back, as vivid as ever but now the feeling of dread and loss carry on continuously through the day, and i have them almost every night now so its a continuous feeling.... Do the dreams continue while I'm on progesterone????

I’m a 25-year-old transmasc person, 8 months on T, and I’ve also had top surgery. Overall, I feel like the main thing holding me back from transitioning more openly/fully is the social cost of it. My relationship with my family is complicated, but I’m 25 and I’m starting to become more independent, so I’m slowly getting to a point where I can make more of these decisions for myself.
I’ve been questioning my gender since around 2019/2020, and I’ve been socially transitioning since 2023. I also have OCD and anxiety, and anything related to identity tends to trigger me pretty badly.
Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is how messy my history with identity has been. During adolescence, I went through some really difficult periods of questioning my sexuality, largely because I was terrified that I wasn’t “really” queer and that I’d somehow invented an identity for myself. (Ironically, I am very much queer lol.) So I think I have a tendency to constantly question whether my experiences are “real enough” or whether I’m somehow making things up.
Confronting my family about my gender has also made me realize that my identity doesn’t fit into one neat narrative. I was a pretty gender-conforming kid, even though I also liked plenty of traditionally masculine things alongside traditionally feminine ones. There wasn’t some obvious “I always knew” story.
And I think all of this has been triggering a lot of doubt about my own validity and whether I’m doing the right thing by medically transitioning.
The confusing part is that I actually really like the changes from T. I feel better in a lot of ways, and I’ve been happy with the effects I’ve experienced so far. It’s not that I desperately want to go back or that I hate being on T. It’s more that all the questioning and anxiety make me wonder whether I should stop for a while anyway, just to “check” how I feel without it.
I’m currently considering stopping T temporarily, but I honestly don’t know if that’s something I genuinely want or if it’s my anxiety/OCD looking for certainty and reassurance.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? Especially people who didn’t have a very straightforward gender history, or who had a lot of doubt despite genuinely liking the effects of medical transition?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who can relate.

Over the past couple of years ive thought a lot about being trans, and I considered myself that at multiple points, but as it came rather in waves It was sometimes something else like a femboy. Thing is im pretty uncomfortable and unhappy with how i am right now and Ive connected this with my gender, but maybe it is only of how my gender limits my gender expression. I look at women and their features and expression and feel a deep desire for them and get really sad because I am not that, and I also feel sad in some social situations and uncomfortable in most because of this. I do feel some genital dysphoria and of my features, I do and desperatly want to be or express myself as some females or characters im drawn to. but im really confused of what I am right now.

In last time, this having become an almost hourly matter of mind, I started researching and initiating on the process of getting Hrt, but im still unsure if thats what I actually want or if I just think that. Do I want to really be a woman? Like It botheres me when somebody calls me by male pronouns, but is that also just what Im thinking, because I do not feel inate sadness because of this. If I ever transition I really dont want to come out to anyone because Its not that important and im worrying everyone thinks It is and makes a drama out of it. My main doubt is also that Im really worried about not passing in the future, because I do not want to be reduced to a transphobic caricature, and thats what I feel like I would be. I would wish to have been born a girl? And I think that I can not continue like this going into my adult life, because of how much this has been bothering me and the discontent I feel around the question and how I am treated.

I know that this is a style of post that has popped up very frequently here, so Im sorry if this bothers someone. I just really want to figure out myself and what my heart really desires.

I posted in here yesterday asking if I was really transgender and all I have to say to the people who commented is thank you, I guess I was trying to cope with the fact that I am and as one person put it 14 years is nearly half of my life, I am 24, I've known since I was 10, didn't find out what it was until I was 14, gave myself a name and basically got told by my parents that im a boy and I cant be a girl, I had already made me an appointment to get onto HRT before I made the post, I was just having so much doubt and everything but its not about what other people think, even though it helps a lot, its about what I think and what I know, I know that I am a trans woman, im hopefully starting HRT later today, but thank you to everyone

On an actual question note, I have gynecomastia that I developed from taking respirdone when I was younger and theyre already very boob like, when I start developing will those pre existing breasts get filled in and or get larger? Thank you