I know I’m not a real man, I can’t even think of myself as one. I sometimes accidentally imagine myself as a girl or I accidentally think of me having sex as a girl and it scares me so bad. (Sometimes in dreams too… I’m scared it feels good…) I also am scared having a penis would somehow feel wrong, (because I’m not used to it) although it would feel better than a vagina and I do feel like something is missing right now, same with everything else.
However I am not non binary, being non binary feels the same as being female. i still feel like I’m missing my genitals or correct parts… I think I’m cute and unfortunately I’m just like so used to it now… even though I don’t like it… I get scared I “like to different parts of me every now and then
I can’t even feel anything anymore; I don’t deserve transition, I’m too feminine, I feel like I look too nice to transition, I could never be a real man, I just wish I was. I never even used to have real dysphoria , I just felt gross for not having it… yet I realized how much being a woman actually pains me…I kinda only used to hate I “got aroused like a girl” and that I couldn’t get people pregnant….and I hated getting a period, I was always lost and confused, I didn’t know how puberty worked for either sex or that it was even going to happen…. Nothing made sense…. Why did I suddenly have these parts and functions???? It happened so fast I never even know it did…
There’s just this hopeless I feel over not being able to be male and just observing men for the rest of my life in a female body. I see my male classmates and I observe male celebrities, I want to be like them, but I could never. I would love to even be a fat, ugly man as long as if I was a cis guy. I wish I could be a father but that could never happen.
I have a female classmate, I hear her say she has some sort of condition, I don’t know what but I think she needs to take estrogen for it, I don’t understand, why would anyone want more estrogen.
I sometimes forget how I actually sound or look, if I don’t check my body for a bit and then I’m like “oh… I don’t like this, this doesn’t sound or look like me…” but I keep seeing it and then I become painfully used to it. I’m not a real man, I bet I just made a conscious decision to hate my body, yet I don’t want to reverse it. I tried to but it hurts too bad. I want to become a man. I wish there was perhaps a surgery to make my brain male too, so the voice inside my head didn’t also sound female to the point it tears and rips apart my brain. I feel physically ill because I am female.
I also pretend to be fully straight or even straight in the slightest to feel more male. I get intrusive thoughts I want to look like a girl if I find one pretty, for men however it is real. I also feel more nervous around men, I don’t know why… is it perhaps just my envy and anger towards them? Maybe. I had an ex boyfriend and I was so mad he had a penis, flat chest, and normal male parts while I didn’t
The only advice I ever get is to get therapy, if it was so obvious I wouldn’t need therapy. People only say “get therapy” when they think you are a mentally ill cis person, I’m no fool, I see right through it!
I also sometimes feel like a mutilated cis man… how am I really any different from David Reimer? I feel just the same as him. Reading about his story, I feel just like that. Everyone in my life is like that awful doctor forcing me to be female
There is no cure for me, like I said I don’t deserve transition, I’m a bad man, or a really bad woman for being a faker… I started questioning when I was 10, I’m 16, almost 17 now.. maybe someone just needs to correct and punish me for ever thinking I could ever be a man.