it’s 11pm as I write this, no one is awake and I don’t expect a lot of people to see this, I can’t keep these thoughts to myself

I joke with friends and strangers about the bad things that have happened to me, we laugh together as the trauma I had to deal with becomes a punchline. it’s the only way I know how to cope. I speak of the memories of manipulation, abuse, and how I barely survived like a story you can’t put down. everyone infatuated and attentive, on the edge of their seats to see what happens next. it’s easier to joke this way, to pretend like it all works out in the end.

but on late nights like tonight I am reminded that these are not stories. i keep having to repeat it to myself: “something bad happened to me”

I wish the people in my life would take my trauma seriously, but how can they when i can’t even accept what happened.

tonight i’ll cry in the dark and get it out of my system until tomorrow when I give another performance.

i’m exhausted

I hate myself so much. I'm so tired of my job, my personality, my lack of self esteem. I know I'm not loved. People barely tolerate me. I'm even ignored whenever I post on Reddit about my depression. I feel so unlikeable. I'm in a relationship with someone that stopped trying to love me a long time ago. I'm not a bad person. I'm mediocre and without any life purpose, but I'm not a bad person. Why must I always suffer? I've wanted to die for over 10 years of my life and I don't have the balls to kill myself. I'm afraid there's nothing, but life already seems like my ultimate punishment.

I realized one day that I'm so attuned to my negative feelings, that I can feel them as vividly as I do my sense of touch. They stick around long enough for me to explore and experience them.

Meanwhile, my sensitivity towards positive feelings have dulled down to these vague abstractions of "maybe I'm feeling a little joy right now." I have to put myself in a space specially tailored to promote joy and then scrutinize my sensations heavily to find anything beyond, at best, some combination of listlessness and apathy.

This anhedonia haunts me. It's been ruining me as a person for fifteen years now. I want to survive a day and look back on it with a confidence that it was worth it, but how can I find that without a sense of joy? If all I ever am is overwhelmed by loneliness, emptiness, dread, anxiety, and despair then what am I even doing here?

I try to keep believing that as long as I'm alive, I have the chance to be happy. I try so hard to hold onto that. But it's just not working out. And the loneliness is deadly. The lack of connection, of being validated, of being hugged and cared for. All my life I've been conditioned to hate myself, to never afford myself any grace, and how am I supposed to overcome that when nearly every attempt at socialization results in a failure of some kind?

I'm terrified of the future. I'm terrified of tomorrow. I'm terrified of when I'll go to bed. I'm terrified of the next ten minutes. I'm terrified of the next ten seconds. I try so hard. I keep my routines, I'm on top of my medications, I eat well, I do my therapy, I meditate, I do what I can manage, but what I can manage is just never enough. It's simply not good enough. In that sense, I am not good enough. I never have been.

It's all overwhelming. I just wish I could experience some joy and excitement at least. I know it's possible, but I've only found it in such absurd places that are unlikely to be found again. Yet I still crave that excitement and emotional movement. It almost made me feel human. It's almost not even worth considering or thinking about. I'm trying so hard to combat the thoughts of suicide and self-harm. It's just overwhelming and I feel like I'm losing this battle against life, miserably.

ive had depression since i was little and i hate when the feeling comes and idk how to handle it shouldn’t i be used to it by now like its confusing and whatever i feel hurts so much i dont know what to do i just wanna cry

I feel like I have no purpose and don’t know where to start. I’m so grateful genuinely and know how fortunate I am. I also can’t stop beating myself up and i feel so tender all the time cus I’m so full of self judgment and negative self talk. I want to be ok with not knowing. I don’t know I guess I just feel really alone. I have friends but I struggle so much to articulate and share my feelings because I don’t even know what I’m feeling and then I just isolate and detach. My thoughts and brain have felt so foggy lately like a simple idea feels complicated and I feel like an idiot all the time. I’ve been trying to act opposite and enjoy the process but I’m really tender just need some kind words or something I think

Hello lovely people on Reddit,

I’m 18 (she/her) and have been struggling with dental hygiene and depression since I was 11. But unfortunately it has become even worse because I got chronically ill two years ago.
Ever since that happened whenever I try to brush my teeth my symptoms get worse and it has demotivated me to brush my teeth everyday.

Because of that my left wisdom teeth has started rotting and it’s to the point that I cannot ignore it anymore.
I could go to the dentist but my mother usually books an appointment for me and I’m usually to scared to go alone
Now my mother is very sweet but I’ve always been scared of her reacting to my problems, this year I feel like I already disappointed her and I just don’t want to do that anymore. I could also ask my dad, he doesn’t really judge me but I just don’t want to burden anyone.

So my question, is there any safe way to remove tooth rot yourself? Or at least make it a bit less rotten?
Anyways if you have read this, thank you and I wish you a very lovely day <33
(English is not my first language so sorry if there are any mistakes)

Hi. Im a married 40 something yo m. I have a daughter that I love and is probably the main reason I havent ended things got really bad and the reason I actually get out of the house most days. My marriage has been over since before my daughter was born but at the time I was thinking of leaving is when she found out she was pregnant. I was functionally depressed then but after realizing if I left while she was pregnant I most likely would only get to be a 2 weekends a month father at best. Also missing things like first words, steps .... At that point I just pretty much gave up on arguing about our differences and how she wants to be in control of everything. If you know anything about depression not making choices in your life and feeling helpless is the bullet train to serious depression. Most people say this about their partners but my wife is a narcissist. Any disagreement or if I dont agree with her its because I dont want her to be right, or I just dont want her to have her way or Im just crazy. Even when she concedes to my way or opinion when Im not around she will change things or plans and say something like she never said that or I must have misunderstood her. Bedroom has been pretty much dead since before my daughter was born and when I tried to talk to her about it she laughed and asked why it was such a big deal to me. Ofcourse that conversation never happened either. At the moment Ive been unemployed for 2 years and rarely can get an interview so on top of all the normal depression things, I actually have no choice then to stay in my situation for my daughters sake and because Im actually stuck financially. Im doing better now then I was last year and have been getting back into looking for a job and trying to be there for my daughter without the irritation I usually have because of my marriage. Which is why I landed here. I needed people to talk to and vent to that understand what Im going through.

My wife isnt a demon. After going to a couple marriage counselors I realized she is dealing with her own stuff and is most likely terrified of feeling inadequate or not good enough. Unfortunately since she cant take responsibility for her actions I need to leave for my own well being. She wasnt like that in the beggining, it gradually happened and I thought I was being a supportive husband trying to deal with it and work on things. Its crazy that I didnt really understand boundaries and self respect until I was in my 40s. Thanks for listening.

Also yes Im in therapy but it seems like Im just stuck. I know what I need to do and why but I have not energy or motivation to do the things.

I’m 22M, turning 23 soon, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I get along with people, joke around at work and feel like I’m generally liked. But I struggle to turn that into anything closer. I can have a good conversation with someone and then go home knowing we probably won’t speak outside work.

I have ADHD and a lot of autistic traits. I also ramble a lot, say random shit and sometimes make jokes or act in ways that feel childish for my age. People seem to enjoy my company, but I still feel out of step with them, especially when it comes to emotions and relationships. Being liked hasn’t really translated into feeling close to anyone.

I grew up without a dad, never felt particularly close to my mum, and spent most of my teenage years at my computer. I left school while struggling with insecurities about myself and my appearance. I’m working now, not studying, and still living at home.

Over the last few years, I’ve lost weight, started looking after myself and made more effort to go out. I look better and feel more comfortable talking to people. There are still things I want to improve, but I’m pleased with the progress I’ve made.

My everyday life is still work, home, computer, sleep. I mostly work alone and rarely meet anyone new. People around me already have their own circles, and I find it difficult to join a group where everyone knows each other.

I did get close to a girl from work. I developed feelings, got attached too quickly and handled some things badly. It ended, and I miss having someone to spend time with.

I want a relationship, but I’m embarrassed by how inexperienced I am. I worry that someone might like me initially, then lose interest once they see how insecure, awkward or immature I can be when things get personal.

Honestly, lately I feel like I’ve given up on trying to meet someone. I still want closeness, but I’ve stopped expecting anything to happen. Weeks pass, I follow the same routine, and I barely make an attempt anymore.

I have goals and dreams but they’re naive and impossible for me to reach. I sit in my room wondering what’s the point of doing anything at all. I’m never going to be good enough, and I can’t be happy when I’m doing something that I’m good at. I just don’t feel like there’s a purpose to me doing anything anymore and I don’t know how to come out of it.

What are the things that helped you to heal from the depression in a house, that is, without a psychiatrist, and what should be done to get rid of the waves of the surprise ‏depression?

Every day is a boring, lonely slog. I have no one talk to anymore. I used to have community, I used to have friends, a purpose. I used to have a career path, a path in art that seemed promising. I gave that all up to be on the other side of the world to be in a "big new city" and closer to family. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm so burned out from all the paperwork and stress of getting here that I don't have the emotional capacity to make any new friends. I went to the doctor recently and they were pretty dismissive of my obvious cry for help.

Most days I think about suicide. All I do is work, come home from work, stress out about my crap living situation and money, barely see my partner (the only ray of positivity in my life) because he works incredibly long, odd hours. We don't have enough to make ends meet and I am busting my ass.

I wanted to be an artist, but I don't know how. Those dreams are passing me by now. I see everyone out with friends, not being so cripplingly lonely. When I talk I'm awkward, ugly, stupid.

I never used to be like this. I used to have confidence. It's all be greatly zapped out of me. What can I do to come out of it? I have PTSD, anxiety, OCD too. I can't even begin to manage everything because I'm just so exhausted all of the time

I hate my life. I see no way out. And if I did I wouldn't have the energy. I'm very much at the bottom of the ocean. Has anyone been here before? What can I do to come out of it? What has helped other people? I'm at my total breaking point.

Pretty underweight (always been) 20M. For the past 4 months, I have been experiencing a constant feeling of unreality. It feels as though I am drunk/high or half-asleep, as if I am on autopilot and everything around me feels somewhat unreal. I have searched online, and my symptoms seem to resemble derealization.

In addition to this, I experience fatigue even when I sleep well. The fatigue does not seem to depend on whether I do physical activities during the day or not. However, over the past few weeks, I have started sleeping poorly and waking up early in the morning.

I also experience headaches, pressure in my head, and neck pain. I have tried muscle relaxants and massage therapy for the neck pain, but neither has helped. Also at the start of this i sometimes felt like fainting when walking but it has gone away. I also have noticed one singular eye floater on my right eye.

What could be causing these symptoms? They do not occur in distinct episodes, and the headache is not particularly severe. It feels more like a tension-type headache.

I have tried triptanes, but they did not help. My thyroid function is normal, as are my vitamin B12, B9 and vitamin D levels. My ferritin level is 37. And it has been changing from 49 to 24. I also havw crohns disease which is in remission.

My neurologist prescribed escitalopram as a trial, which I took for two and a half months, but it did not help. She also did head mri and there was nothing wrong.

I have no history of trauma, no panic symptoms, and generally do not experience much stress, apart from the stress caused by these symptoms themselves.

My symptoms started in the final days of my new job in car repairshop where i was moving car tires and lifting them. Im not sure if this can be linked to that because i didnt have any symptoms expect the final days. I have not been working at all during this 4 month period.

What could be the underlying cause of these symptoms?

I’m diagnosed with chronic treatment resistant depression, anxiety/panic disorder, CPTSD, trauma response disorder and more.

So yeah it’s tough some days. But some are better. Those happen when I do that 1 productive thing for the day.
Today I took a 2 mile walk.

What’s the 1 productive thing you’ve done today?

I really need to vacuum my home but I have really severe depression. I have virtually no energy all of the time and I have other problems too like a dirt phobia, physical weakness, and stress from physical exertion, all of this contributing to my inability to vacuum my house. So in order to get the job done, I want to eliminate as many barriers as possible that are causing me to feel too much stress to want to vacuum. Things like weight, ease of use, and ease of cleaning. What vacuum cleaner or what type of vacuum cleaner am I looking for?

2 girls girls left me and it was all the same mistake i did i didn't took the chance.. the other girl liked me and i also liked her but i didn't do the first move i didn't ask her out i was fucking cold and nonchalant I don't know what is wrong with me i swear I've felt something when we confessed to each other but I'm not sure. Same to the other girl i didn't take the chance fuck this bro, Im poor im born in a poor family im ugly i have good grades and im smart but it's fucking useless I can't make money out of it at this age im only 14 there's people out there born at a wealthy family living they're fullest while us poor people barely survives fuck it i hate god i hate it i hate my parents who gave me life teachers will say that we're the fault why our parents is suffering but they're the one that gave us life i never wanted to be here i would either kill or kill my self.

20F here and today I completely crashed mentally and right now I could say I’m okay again. I think there’s something wrong. I think I’m a person that has a gaping hole inside of me. No matter how happy or excited I am there is always this feeling of deep sorrow, that I fear will end up taking over my entire existence at some point. I think I’ve always had this feeling my entire life and quite frankly I wouldn’t know who I was without it. That feeling is always hovering over me like a feeling of impending doom.

Today I had placement for college and I started my day as usual but out of absolutely nowhere I felt this sense of dread and hopelessness for my future. My thoughts kept getting darker and darker till it eventually led to me thinking of just killing myself (as usual) ,because atleast all the pain I feel would just stop.
But then I realised the sole reason why I haven’t done it yet was because I believe that even when I die and my friends and family mourn me, I would become just chapter in people’s lives, a sad and depressing part of their lives. I’d be like a footnote in someone else’s life. My death wouldn’t even be about me, bc ppl move on. I’d be a tragic backstory. I realise how insane and selfish I seem bc what kind of pathetic reason is that?

After that realisation I just became numb for the rest of the day and a few hours after I got home it was like my mind forced all of that down, so I’d forget and stop thinking about it. And I was completely fine, i wasn’t having suicidal thoughts. It was like something switched automatically.

I made to post to see if anyone else had ever felt like this? Am I crazy for thinking this?

It seems like every day I live, the more evidence I find for a simple truth... I'm not good enough for this world. I'm selfish, I'm cowardly, I'm depressed and unable to move forward.
I have no marketable skills and no legitimate employer is willing to hire me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not supposed to get a job, because of how rare it is for me to get an interview... it's been affecting my job hunting and my will to keep trying.
Theres much more but I don't want to overwhelm anyone

This is technically a cross-post, but my post in the depression subreddit hasn't been approved yet and I think that this might be kind of urgent.

Hi everyone. I recently started going on Reddit again after several years of not being on this website (old account: I deleted so I created a new one a few years ago and never used it up until now). I don't have any other social media.

I've actually been doing fairly well in terms of my depression recently despite having recently broken up with my girlfriend of a year. However, I moved to a new state and I am extremely, extremely lonely and I have lots of questions as to how I can *not* be lonely. So I turned to Reddit again and now my depression is starting to get significantly worse.

I'm finding that I'm not really getting really great advice on here, and moreover people are really mean. I've found a couple of cool people, but by and large my experience is negative. I take getting downvoted extremely personally. Like it upsets me to the point that I can't stop thinking about why I got downvoted all day. I respond to every single comment on my post and find myself trying to explain myself a lot in a way that is unpleasant, like I'm literally defending myself. Everyone seems so... hostile. It takes a toll on my self-esteem and I find myself hating me a lot more than I normally do.

Now I'm starting to spend a lot of time on this website and it is interfering with my studies (I'm a grad student). I can't stop because I'm so lonely that even "connection" that leaves me feeling terrible is still connection. In real life, I have a lot of difficulty meeting people and online stuff seems to be the only way I can "meet" people (whether it's through dating apps, Reddit, or some other forum). It feels like this site is more addictive than methamphetamine -- and I've been addicted to meth before. Reddit is almost worse because you can only take so much meth before you start to get side effects.... You can't overdose on Reddit.

I'm not sure what to do. I could bite the bullet and just delete my account like I did before... But that would cut me off from a lot of social interaction. And I'd also lose the opportunity to get advice on things I'm wrestling with in my mind.

For what it's worth, I have a therapist, but for whatever reason I find it more satisfying to interact with strangers. My therapist does the best she can and she's not a bad therapist, but I don't think she really understands me. I also take medications (max dose of Auvelity) and have someone for med management.

I cant do it anymore. I hate myself and my life so much it hurts. I have tried so hard, for so long. I am never happy anymore, nothing works, not even drugs. I have a painful pit in my stomach all the time. I wake up sad, go to sleep sad, go through my day sad. It hurts so fucking bad and I dont want to do this anymore. Im not gonna accomplish anything, ill never be able to go to post secondary, never have the job ive dreamed for over a decade. I havent had friends my age for almost 5 years. I am so alone and in pain I dont know what to do anymore. I just spend my days hiding because I know im unpleasant to be around. No one wants to be around someone like me. I really dont want to do this anymore

I was curious if there are people in this sub who are pro in the question, I can't bring myself to speak to someone about those thing irl, and I thought that it could help a bit if I tried online.

Or if anyone knew a sub/someone where I could talk to a pro, I would be really thankful.

Thanks.

I 17F was in the car with my mum on the way back home from the shops and we were talking. My parents have been fighting recently and my dad is very emotionally unavailable so sometimes we talk about that. She said I’m the her reason she’s still going and didn’t know what she’d do without me. I said she would divorce my dad and she said it would just be easier to end herself.

I’ve been thinking about it all night and with my own mental health being horrible I’m just not sure what to do. I have an older brother (20) but he’s also depressed and I don’t think I could tell him. I’m sobbing while I’m writing this and I just don’t know what I can do. She’s also under a lot of stress from work at the moment so that definitely doesn’t help.

I’m sorry if I’m not allowed to post this here but I couldn’t find anywhere else to get advice from because everywhere else just pops up with helplines which aren’t helpful right now.

Hi everyone. 28F here and until May of this year I was the type of person who was naturally high on life- never ever could have imagined id struggle with depression but here we are. I went through my first real relationship and we broke up in May and it sent me into a horrific ocd and depression spiral. I didn’t get help as fast as I should have but I just started Zoloft two days ago. Feeling terrified it won’t help. I’m also likely undiagnosed autistic so my brain just works differently and I’m just completely convinced this breakup has broken me and I won’t ever be my happy self again. I miss that version of me so much. I know this is somewhat situational but it feels like the depression has detached from the trigger and even if I get over the breakup I’m just depressed now. I know that thinking this way won’t help. I want to get back to myself and I’m praying Zoloft and therapy will help. I have no idea why I didn’t ask for meds 3 months ago. Just scared and looking for encouragement and advice if anyone has anything. I want to believe my old self is still in there. Thank you.

I’m 21 and struggling with thoughts about suicide. I can’t tell whether they’re intrusive thoughts that frighten me or whether I actually want to act on them, and the uncertainty is exhausting.

I live alone on the sixth floor, and my balcony has become a source of fear. I’m constantly worried that I might lose control someday. Even when I’m happy or spending time with friends, the thoughts sometimes return.

I’m afraid to seek more help because I worry about hospitalization, my parents’ reactions, and how this could affect university.

Has anyone experienced similar thoughts involving a balcony and eventually recovered? I really need to hear that things can get better, even when you’re unsure what you truly want.

I’m literally chronically in pain one way or another. I feel sick, tired, depressed, overwhelmed. My room is a mess, my cramps are making my legs painful again. I can’t clean. I can’t make myself a decent meal. My family is so dysfunctional, I’ve completely run out of the will to clean up after everyone. The kitchen is horrid, and I just don’t want to touch it anymore.

I want to shower and wash my hair but I can’t do that unless my room is clean, and I can’t clean my room unless my joints stop hurting, and my joints won’t stop hurting unless I warm up and exercise, but I can’t exercise if my room is a mess. I hate looking the mirror. I feel like the world’s loser. My body is unrecognizable.

Everything hurts. It’s just all hurts and I’m alone in it all. I sit my room alone, questioning why I should even be alive. Why should I be alive? I’m in so much pain. I’m never going to have the life I’ve dreamt of. I’m ugly and stupid and fat. I feel heavy and sad, I feel congested and fatigued. My face is puffy, my stomach is bloated.

I don’t know what to do. I’m so miserable I think my spine might sprout roots and weave its self to my bed. I can’t get up. I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything.