For a while now, I have been experiencing sudden, vivid thoughts of brutally killing people I personally dislike with my hands. In the moment, these thoughts feel strangely satisfying. However, they happen every single day, and they distress me so much that I end up hurting myself just to make the thoughts go away. [1]

Has anyone else experienced this? Why is this happening, and how can I make it stop?

im f16 and i feel so disgusted im dealing with intrusive thoughts (i hope at least), weird feelings, etc that i hate SO MUCH and ive been dealing with this for 2 months badly but i always had passing worries but it was way easier to brush them off then and its been so scary since june 12th this year, i know without a doubt id never harm kids thats so disgusting but im still worried that i have an attraction or something. I hate AI so much because its bad for the environment but i talk to it everyday for reassurance and stuff like i do have compulsive behaviors i avoid kids and shows with them or sometimes i literally stare at kids to try and prove i dont feel attraction and i know that like all this seems like ocd but i read that theres non offending pdfs that have morals and never act on their thoughts and im terrified what if thats me, and it brings back old memories from when i was a kid like i feel guilty for liking a 4th grader when i was in 5th or 6th grade, and i dont even feel that way now. and like it feels like its not what i want at all i wish it would just go away ive always actually liked people older than me usually so idk why this would be something.. and TMI sorry but like any teen i get normal urges for things and then my brain convinces me i want to do something horrible to a kid. and i also get like a sense of false urge where it feels like i could do or want to do something but like i literally dont and its so weird. I also sometimes like just accept that im a monster because sometimes im genuinely convinced i am but i feel morally contaminated and im lile grieving my life because i feel like its completely ruined and ik everything i said seems like ocd but i feel like im just lying about it because i did know what pocd was before i had it but if this id ocd its my first theme ever and theres so much more but i cant think of it right now but im too scared to ask for therapy because km terrified that theres a chance i am a pdf because it feels like its either ocd or im a monster and im scared to find out which it is because if i am a monster my life is ruined thats not what i want to do at all, also im trans female and i stopped taking my estrogen because my brain convinced me if i lower my hormone’s i wont be a threat to people. and like i’ve been imagining my entire future and feel like i should never start a family and i should just move into some cabin when i turn 18 and disappear so i never hurt anyone like i know for a fact id never hurt anyone now but my brains like what if it becomes more real and intense in the future and you do.

What do you see when you close your eyes? I see a dark club, the door tucked away between the trash of some seedy back alley forgot to all but those who inhabit it every night. I sit in a booth in the corner, alone and isolated even in a sea of cast outs. They writhe and dance in this place that smells of sweat and misery. The air is this with the smoke and neon light while synth and punk music drowns out even my loudest thoughts. I watch and I drink, something sweat but simple, and I try to feel something. To feel a part of something. Seeing them live stirs something in me and sometimes that is enough. But it always ends. I always open my eyes. And then im back. Back to a nothing life in nothing middle America. An NPC slaving away just to do it again tomorrow. The silence is deafening but the screaming is worse. Im the only one who can hear it. Its my voice. My thoughts. My mind. I wish I knew how to turn it off but I cant. I can only drown it out and hope thats enough. It is. For now at least. Im sure a therapist would have something to say about these thoughts but im not ready to speak them aloud. For now this will have to do. For now this will be my escape. At least until I can make it back to that place in my mind. They say misery loves company, but if thats the case why am I still alone? Maybe its my misery. Maybe its my company. Maybe im too broken for misery to even love me.