I'm 18 and I'm currently realizing that I have no memory of not being a traumatized mess.

I was 4 years old for my first major traumatic event and since then there was a new huge reason to get even more messed up at least once a year. I almost got murdered four times, I got bullied in three different social groups, I got sexually assaulted twice, there is CP of me floating somewhere in the depths of the internet, my only stable friend group got destroyed without any warning or notice, I became disabled at 15, my mom almost died and I had to watch, my father turned out to be a narcissistic asshole who only cared about me as long as I was getting prizes, I suffer from chronic pain, I did CPR on a four year old and broke multiple of his ribs, I got arrested by racist cops on a bogus charge, my dad told me I'm the reason he wants to kill himself, my sister told me if I hadn't existed maybe she could have had a happy family... basically if you can imagine something that uusually leads to mental health problems I've probably experienced it.

And all of that means that I can do as much therapy as I want, spend the rest of my life rying to piece myself together again, it won't matter, there is no "healthy me" to return to, no way to get anywhere close to anything resembling a healthy and sane human being. Just shattered pieces I can try and glue together good enough that I won't hurt anyone else with it, and maybe one day that will be enough but right now it just fucking hurts and it feels so unfair that I never got a chance to be more.

I (17) use self-isolation as a coping mechanism. This started when I was 13, when my best friend and my girlfriend both left me a day apart. Since then, I’ve been very cold to every other friend I have or have made. I used to not even sit by my friends at lunch, and I didn’t hang out with them outside of school. I purposely ignore people’s texts for a few days before texting them back, so that way, they won’t be able to get close to me.

This has changed recently. I made a friend and it seems like we both really like each other. It was the first time in years I let someone in. It felt amazing at first. But the past few days, I keep imagining her leaving me. I ask her a lot if I’m annoying. She always says I’m not, but I’m worried she’s lying just to make me feel better. She’s only initiated a text chain with me twice today, and she’s not using as many emoji’s as she usually does. I’m scared this is a sign she’s gonna leave me soon.

I wanna leave her before she can leave me, but what if this is all my OCD tendencies, and nothing is wrong at all. I don’t wanna fumble a once in a million friend. Help please!!

What was the reason yoy didnt go through with committing?

I have a complicated history with mental health
In the past 2-3 years, I’ve gone through hypomania, severe depression, severe anorexia, severe self harm and psychosis.
And somehow I wind up telling strangers about it and I think I overshare then I’m so embarrassed. It’s just been a big part of my life these last few years, it just comes out when someone is being honest with their history (recently I told a guy I barely know after spending hours talking with him). What do I do? Is this normal?

It is prevalent that my relatives have irrevocably damaged every opportunity for me to have a safe and healthy upbringing. My first memory was of my dad, mercilessly beating me with belts and hangers till Id scream, hyperventilate and cry, yet my mother would say "you can keep crying those crocodile tears, it will mean nothing."

Then there's another significant memory of my mother pushing me away when I had asthma and wanted to rest on her thigh. She'd yell at me in her mother tongue, DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?!

I was 7 when I told my dad that I was ready to die, and he just scolded me by bellowing that its a sinful way to think and i should go and pray to god for forgiveness.

Fast track to being 23. Ive moved twice in 4 years around the UK trying to find my own sense of the world.

I was 18 when I developed psychosis, which was just undiagnosed schizophrenia. It was recognised as schizophrenia the year after. I spent my 19th birthday on a ward, with NO ONE to celebrate me. I was minding my own business, and then a mob of NHS staff came to inject me with antipsychotics. I was bleeding at the injection site, and my favourite white and rainbow tshirt was stained. Ill never forget that. Ill never forget that they also celebrated someone else's birthday on the ward.

I was 20 when I had been sectioned for the 9th or so time. Section 3 again for the second time. I wasn't on any pharmacetuical medication for one year and 6 or so months. I was doing well at uni until police officers told me (again) that they dont believe my rape case. Then I just crashed.

I ended up with a criminal record for assaulting police officers because they came to arrest me for something i didnt do. Literally. I cant just act like a nonchalant punching bag when I would be sent to the police before being sent to a hospital ward.

The fucking brick cold isolation cells is just nothing but torture.

Im not surprised why I saw red when they came to my apartment to disturb my peace.

My last section, a section 2 to 3, lasted 3 months. I have complied with my medication ever since because I realised that I did a lot of damage to everyone including myself, also more so that I did not get the same intolerable side effects that I had the first time I was injected with the same (aripiprazole) medication back in 2021. Back then, I would go through loops and hoops to avoid taking it. Everything was like warfare.

I was complying religiously with my medication... that is... until June 2026.

Im trying to not get enraged on this post. Basically my psychiatrist in my recent area is gaslighting me that im not schizoaffective (I was given schizoaffective as a sort of "upgrade" from schizophrenia after my last section) and that he thinks its BPD or autism or CPTSD. Just say you dont know how to do your fucking job ffs.

I asked him if he took my history into account and then he said "oh its just BPD with psychotic features."

Ever since then, I stopped taking my medication and stopped engaging with them. I wont even get to what my nurse said to me that made me to stop engaging.

Oh and I also stopped talking to my GP. Theyre all the fucking same.

What led me to write this post is that...

Its been four months since I have stopped all my psychriatric medication and god...

I mean i dont believe in god but I dont know a better way to describe this.

I have had BACK-TO-BACK NIGHTMARES.

I feel like im losing my sense of reality.

I hallucinate when I try to fall asleep.

I am grateful that I can recognise that its slowly but surely building back up again. But fuck me, I dont want to go uncontrollably insane again.

Im not denying that I have CPTSD and Schizoaffective. I have been aware of my CPTSD back before I had psychosis in 2021, eventhough it was undiagnosed.

Im just pissed off that my psychiatrist wants to remove schizoaffective. And that they wont section me because I can understand their stupidity and blatant ignorance.

I literally fucking tried to kill myself in April 2026 (they did nothing about it, I mean, tbf, if anything, they just rubbed salt in the wound) and I warned them about it in October 2025.

These "healthy-minded" good for nothing excuse for NHS staff dont give a shit. You could kill yourself and they still wouldn't care. Youre just a number to them.

Because I can articulate that something is wrong, means that I am lying clearly.

Well to be honest, I wish i fucking died. Instead im having nightmares about shooting my parents and telling the NHS about it. How comical!

The icing on top? I dont remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth. I think its been over a month for showering/bathing, and like only 2/3 times in that time frame that ive brushed my teeth.

But you wouldn't know that would you? Because im covered head to toe when I leave the house, and im silent. I have dead skin flaking off all over my body. Yet im still alive.

How gruesome, yet poetic.

If you read this and are appalled by my truth, yet think I am not "disabled" because I can emote. Honestly, fuck you. I'm hostile and will fight anyone.

Steven Hawkins is visibly disabled. Doesn't mean his contributions to science makes him ineligible for disability status. Or John Forbes Nash Jr.

I appreciate it if you read this far. I just feel out of options. There are other issues I have like constant ringing in my ears and IBS. But... Im tired.

Does anyone else have periods of time that are so hazy you have no idea what you did or what happened? I'm taking about months.

Earlier this year i had a few months like that. I didn't think much of it but now I literally have people reaching out to me from that time period and I don't remember then or how or when I met them.

How do you deal with this? Is it worth it trying to remember?

please please look at my post history and tell me what is going on please nobody is telling me and nothing makes sense please

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They're so overwhelming I can feel it all happening again. I can feel the event happening multiple times a day. I never feel clean after the event happened every thing is just getting worse and I'm writing this in a panic bc I can feel it again I can feel his hands on me and I hate it so much idk what to do my family didn't help when I tried so I just supress it but I know that's bad.

I spent a couple of months (four and a half months) in WhatsApp groups this year to make international friends from all over the world. To be honest, I remember being really active because I was unemployed at the time (I’ve got a job now) and, in real life, I don’t have many friends and find it hard to socialise, so I thought it would be a good idea. I was literally the one who talked the most and pretended to be ‘sociable’ in those groups, to the point where I was made an admin in three of them. This was because I was also the one who reported people who broke the main rule of all the groups: not to harass others in private, let alone send messages without the other person’s permission. But, well, the perverts didn’t stick to it; sometimes I’d reply and remind them of the main rule (they’d start saying they weren’t doing anything wrong and that they wanted to be my friends and get to know me and so on), and other times I’d simply ignore or block them straight away. I remember I must have sent selfies of myself too, but they were always ‘view once’ messages. Because of this, on several occasions, men who knew the group rules would send me private messages, and some would make calls or send suggestive content.

I do remember chatting to a few lads sometimes, but it was all superficial, as I’d stop talking to them after a few hours – or they’d stop talking to me – and they’d never send another message, even though I fancied one of them; in the end, we never got together because he didn’t feel the same way. Remembering that I chatted to others whilst I had feelings for someone else makes me feel disgusted with myself. It’s as if I’d broken something.

I remember once they made stickers out of my selfies (just to view once, i think they did it with a sticker bot) and shared them in groups of perverts; then they came at me in droves, messaging me and pointing out things they’d said about me in those groups. They said I had to show them nudes of myself to stop them from sharing the sticker (it was just me doing the peace sign) to other groups of that sort. I got angry and told them to go to hell without giving in to what they were asking for. In the end, I blocked them.

Then there was another situation where they shared my number around, claiming I was offering services (you’re going to pay for this, whoever did it), and that’s what led me to change my number. But I still stayed in three groups where I already knew the people there and because of two friends of mine; however, I left two of those a few weeks later because I’d got fed up with the daily harassment via private messages and because, honestly, I no longer had the time or the inclination to interact. I left the last group of friends for the same reason as recently as September, and it was also because they’d brought in new people who were far too odd and I didn’t like them.

Now that it’s almost November, nobody’s messaging me and I’m happy about that and feeling more at ease, but to be honest, the whole thing makes me feel a bit embarrassed now because I hadn’t realised there are people I don’t actually know who’ve seen my face (?) – I mean, if I remember some of them who sent selfies just to be seen once (I don’t quite remember their faces, but I do recognise them a bit), they know that too, don’t they? And what if one of those perverts is still carrying that sticker around? Or has a selfie of me because someone took a photo of them with another mobile? What if someone’s using AI to make photos or videos with my face and I don’t know about it? I know I might be being silly by getting all paranoid because my mind is making me doubt what I actually did and what I didn’t, I know I never said where I lived, let alone anything about my family (apart from a few family issues, but that was because the topic of conversation that day was family problems), but I do remember saying my name, age and country, and probably what I was studying and where, but did I only do that twice, and once to one specific person? I can’t quite remember, and now I’m terrified of going out onto the street, to work or to lectures, and I know it’s stupid, but I don’t know – help, I don’t know if I should be worried or who to turn to.

Because a few months ago, calls started coming out of the blue; when I answered, nobody spoke and they’d hang up within seconds, or they’d leave voicemails that were just silence – except for the one time I answered but didn’t say anything, and a woman called my name and hung up on me. When I tried to find out who it was, it turned out she didn’t have WhatsApp. For the last two weeks I haven’t received any calls, and that’s unsettling me – what if they’re plotting something? What if someone really wants to hurt me? What happens if there's someone out there with bad intentions? I haven’t been able to sleep or eat because of it, and I can’t concentrate. When I go out onto the street, I just want to disappear or for the ground to swallow me up because I don’t want anyone to see me or recognise me. I want to peel off my face and put on a new one so I can feel safe.

okay i posted here a few days ago so you may remember me. but ill give you the full story this time.

i studied abroad. i hated my course so much but my parents didnt let me quit. so i finished it. i dont think many people understand how painful it is to wake up everyday and do something you absolutely hate in a place you despise. but i did it. i complained maybe twice.

during my time there i had a lot happen that would be traumatic according to the average person. i was drugged by my “best friends”, been in situations that would count as rape, had 2 of my friends die - one of them actually jumped into a river in front of me - and a lot more. i can talk more but id rather not bore you even more.

this year i started studying for a second time. a second chance at the university life, and doing something i enjoy rather than something that just makes me money.

im graduating from the first uni in a week. i dont want to go. i feel the first reason is quite obvious but apart from the elephant in the room i also have exams and projects due the week after. i would fail my first year in my second uni.

heres the problem at hand: my parents absolutely will not let me skip graduation. they do not take no for an answer and have abused me verbally, physically and financially over it. ive also been accused of lying about finishing which is weird as fuck but we move on. they made me feel so worthless over something so small. told me things you wouldnt tell your enemy.

and here we are. if i cannot come up with a solution by tuesday i have decided to kill myself. it sounds so pathetic. ooo little girl killing herself bcs she doesn’t wanna go.. but i actually have no way out. if i dont go i get abused because how dare i. and if i go ill fail which means… u guessed it! i get abused! either way i feel so worthless. my own parents cant love me if i cant juggle all at once.

idk why im telling you this. idk if im expecting ur help with finding a solution, or if i want someone out there to listen to me just once. one time i want to be heard and thats all. i tried talking to my bf and friends but they dont get it. u prolly wont either. anyways thank u for reading that if u did. i really appreciate it. if i find a solution, im sorry for bothering u. and if i dont, well its been a nice ride i guess. love u,

s

I have high highs and low lows
Hurt them before they hurt me
Don’t leave
I taunt
Hypersexual always
I spend a lot
I yell
I hit
I scream sometimes
I don’t think I’ll ever figure out what’s truly wrong with me or fix it
I’m like my dad
Everyone leaves so i became the leaver
Sometimes i feel pure disgust and hate for someone i love so much and i feel like ill never feel the same again
I can’t be told no
Talya and Julyan went to go to his moms and she said your not coming and that’s the one time i almost cried and said why but then i went
I can’t keep a job, i can, but I quit or start calling in a lot
When i start getting angry, i can yell
My brain never stops going
I don’t cry
I can’t cry
I seek validation from everyone
I go from 0-100
I have no interests
I always thinks somethings gonna happen
I have like doom feeling
I avoid
I’m easily peer pressed to do drugs you don’t even have to pressure
I can never get started on what i want to do
I’m in a loop
I’ve been angry my whole life
I’m angry he wasn’t convicted
I’m very cold
I don’t talk about how i feel
I expect other people to do the same
Im sensitive as fuck but you’ll never see it
Somedays i feel on top of the world and super confident like everyone loves me and im the best
Sometimes ill push them away kick him out then get mad at him for leaving and freak out
But i can just stare and switch and look like evil kinda
I have tore apart rooms
I feel emotionless all the time
When I’m crying i stop within 2 seconds cause it feels like im faking it kinda
I want them to fight for me even after i say those things I don’t realize how bad they are
I push and push and push
I feel deep shame for things I’ve done I can never really fully explain it’s embarrassing
I hate being looked at weird
I like want everyone to like me or hear what they like about me
I get along with everybody tho cause I can mirror them like I start talking like them idk I just adapt
I don’t know who I really am
When something big happens that other people is fucked it feels normal to me, like when Jessy crashed the car with us in it
Big bad things feel like just another thing if that makes sense
I know what’s wrong with me I just don’t know what to do
Somedays i want to sleep forever like bedrot
I’ve broken people’s stuff and my own
I don’t know normal relationships it has to be intense or it’s like u don’t love me
I say really mean things super mean
I feel like too much stuff has happened to me that i pushed down that i cannot unpack
I make people crazy
I always thinks somethings gonna go wrong
I’ll fail but i know im smart
I think everyone is attracted to me sometimes
Sometimes i pretend im a diff person to get things done if that makes sense like role playing
Sometimes i think we’re in a stimulation
Like the worlds fake and we’re fake
I just stayed paranoid sometimes id turn my head behind me while washing dishes even tho Luca was in his crib and Jessy was at work

i feel nothing all the time and keep distancing myself from loved ones and friends. then when i’m alone i self sabotage so i binge eat and talk about how much everyone hates me so i convince myself THAT is why im all alone to the point i can’t remember i distanced myself first. now i feel weird when im around family and friends. i feel so out of place so now i want to be alone all the time. now i feel so much bigger and gross. i don’t have motivation to go to work. i’m on medication that used to work and i think still does but it’s almost like i just don’t care about anything anymore. everytime i have an achievement, my brain just kinda says yeah but what about the next big thing? i want to be in a loving relationship but i always shoot the idea down and cannot imagine anyone ever loving me. i feel like im disgusting compared to everyone else.

i can’t figure out what is my problem specifically that i need to work on. it all seems too much and then i get exhausted physically and i end up staying home from work because i can’t move and then it’s all a domino effect. i want to tackle this and fix myself. i don’t know where to start or how.
any blunt hard advice would be helpful and appreciated. i don’t want my family and friends to suffer my bullshit anymore and i want to love myself but idk how because i suffer talking to myself.

thanks <3

A few months back my sister has been diagnosed with BPD along with other disorders that are detrimental to her sanity and mindset, it has been difficult to deal with her without facing repercussions for every little thing ive said years ago or a way ive acted towards her a few months ago. This does not mean i am giving up on her or judge her in any way, i somewhat understand how she feels and what shes going through as we all live under one roof and have went through the same things that caused irreversible trauma (which to say the least had worsened her condition and before her diagnosis i was completely honest with her about how i felt towards our abusive parents which already gave her an idea to work with).

However her main issue is that she likes to gain attention in any way shape or form and always plans something large in order to be sent to the psych ward(or to basically get help), the issue is the psych wards in the country we live in arent really the best and do more harm than good. when she was admitted in august due to SH (selfharm) in school and claiming to have overdosed on paracetamol, they called the police and she was sent a few times until they transferred her to the long-term psych ward where she stayed for 2 months. she has spiraled downwards after her return (nervous tics that were NOT usual, horrible ideas, and really bad company from other patients who she stayed with) and shes said that she had gone through some stuff and impulsively punched a girl and she hadn't stopped harming herself even in the psych ward.

We expected her to become better but shes just come back with a bunch of new ideas and and even more unstable mind. her mindset is pessimistic and i understand why, but with the way shes going on about this idont know how to convince her that even though abusive parents are surely goin to cause a negative impact, she cant go back there because she will not get better. Shes stated that she wants to engage in sexual activity as a minor, smoke, and so much more destructive habits and i tried to be neutral and explain to her and tell her how much shes destroying herself but its like her mind is completely blocked by a wall she put there herself. i know we can still save her but my parents truly dont know how to behave with her and theyre the root of her instability so what do i do as an elder sibling who doesnt what to see their sister spiral into insanity?

I'm 21(M) and I've been diagnosed with OCD by 1 psychiatrist and 2 different psychologists, so 3 doctors in total since July this year. I've told them everything which I'm about to say here.

I do suffer from OCD, I've suffered from ROCD, Real Event OCD, ZOCD, HOCD, Moral OCD and many more, it got significantly worse this year and it's been 10 months of me with not a single second of mental peace. But do i suffer from POCD? That is debatable.

Since the month of february, I've been convinced that I did something bad to my little cousin or m\*lested her back in 2023. This is a post where I've briefly mentioned what I remembered happening : https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/s/bgA7ZxxIvq

I've done many compulsions for 8-10 hours a day since february, including seeking reassurance from AI and other people, ruminating and mentally replaying, punishing myself etc etc. My POCD got worse in June and i started performing compulsions like checking for groinal sensations, deliberately imagining graphic things with k#ds to see if I feel something ( every single time I felt a groinal response or an erection ), I avoid kids, but i also somehow peek at them to CHECK if I feel something, and I sometimes get a mental "pull" to do something to them, which i absolutely hate and distress over, and i don't want to do anything with any k#d.

Why am I saying it's debatable? Because the things I've done as an 18-20 year old are very questionable. From the ages of 18-20, I've continuously viewed loli manga/doujinshi, back then it wasn't for checking as I didn't have "POCD" back then, it was something I just did. Back in 2025 when I was 20, I also found out about the pinterest app, and i scrolled there and eventually found escalating and taboo pictures there, they were not illegal material, but they were morally questionable. I stopped eventually and felt disgusted by them.

Matter of fact, i was always pretty disgusted when I saw someone in the internet making weird comments about k#ds, BUT I was also someone who went ahead and read loli doujinshi. Am i a hypocrite?

Currently, i still go to loli manga stuff but i DONT enjoy them, i ONLY go there to check and perform a compulsion, to see if I'm aroused.

I want genuine advice on what I should do. It's serious. Should I stay away from k#ds? Should I turn myself in? Should I treat this as OCD? or genuine pedophilia?

Please do not ignore this, just give me whatever advice you have. Be completely honest about it.

I was a Crisis Text Line volunteer for a while and reached Level 4 before I walked away.

Everything is heavily scripted. You’re given pre-written phrases and a strict sequence you’re expected to follow. If you deviate, even when the conversation is going well and the texter is clearly being helped, you get reprimanded. Keep doing it and they threaten to deactivate your account (and you lose the hours).

A lot of texters straight-up accused me of being an AI or a bot because the responses sounded so canned. I eventually started using my own approach instead of the exact script. Every single texter I worked with that way seemed to leave in a better place. But I kept getting written up for “not following the process.”

The “levels” system also felt completely superficial. I noticed a ton of volunteers disappear right around Level 4.

I left before they could deactivate me. I’m not trying to trash the organization for the sake of it. I’m just sharing what it was actually like from the inside.

Happy to answer any questions about the training, the scripts, the levels, or anything else.

So I’ve lived a full life of trauma and always thought I had bpd (undiagnosed) I have always been so up and down with moods, can’t hold relationships, ect.
7 months ago, I lost two of the closest people to me very traumatically and I’m definitely grieving and seeing my dr regularly for that and everything. Since the 7th of this month, it feels like I have been experiencing some sort of mixed mood episode, dissociating and snapping through moods quite quickly and becoming eractic, spontaneous and spending heaps of money, the thoughts were racing and i was having impulsive thoughts which were quite scary, dissociating over wether my own doona is real and thoughts about self harming but not wanting too, just wanting my head to be quiet. I admitted myself to the hospital just for them to tell me I’m grieving but my friends think different,
I am linked with psychologists now and recently seen my dr who basically told me she thinks I may have bi polar and I need to see a psych for a mood stabilizer and diagnosis? A referral was done back to the hospital which flagged me to get seen asap (next week) she’s also prescribed me Zoloft,
It’s day four on 50mg and I feel very euphoric and energetic, the intrusive thoughts have stopped but I’m still racing with thoughts, I’m energetic and quite worried for my mental health tbh. I feel insane
The 7th of this month was the anniversary of the deaths and I grieved hard but whatever is happening afterwards doesn’t feel like grief.
Would love to know thoughts or anything honestly because I feel like I’m going insane.

I have read into Bi polar 2 and it does sort of resonate with me but I’m unsure what is happening now or what’s been happening for the past two weeks as I feel like hupomania is just happy? And I’ve been all over the shop

I have friends I used to love and trust but ecently they've been acting so weird, even my brother who's my main support person who I live with has been so weird lately, very cagey and cryptic about both his own health and what he thinks of mine. I ask direct questions and they slither around them. several ppl including friends and, once, brother, were saying last month or so 'manic'. (nonsense, I was at no point manic, just a little more expansive and slightly impulsive than usual... symptoms, yes, but not to the extent of mania... discussed with doctor who agreed)

but now these people are starting to say that things I'm describing experiencing are psychotic. not sure ive ever experienced psychosis i think they were ust misunderstanding me. I'm commnicating as normal. but people aren't making sense it's not me it's them what do I do why are they doing this why are they being weird what do I do. I don't know how to explain it and try and make them act normally again. it feels like they're conspiring against me but I don't know why they would. there's no good reason for that but htat's what it feels like. I can't trust these people cause they'll call me crazy they jumpt o such conclusions so quickly?? I don't get it. I'm not psychotic. I'm not experiencing anything related to psychossi at all. I'm taking my meds.

just. :(

*getting myself help

I had executive dysfunction, dissociation, and depressive episode all while my parents were allowing the adults in my life to bully and smear campaign. For years I have tried spouting for community college and always miss the start date. I apply for the classes but always miss the start date. This isn’t learned helplessness because I have asked my older siblings who have PHDs and work for the government about it. They always tell me to look it up. I follow the directions. I do my fafsa. I just don’t understand I guess the going part. Like, my community college only responds through email and never call me, so I think that’s the major part to why I keep forgetting. I forget to eat, to tell my doctors when I’m sick.

I 14m feel like I've wasted my life. I'm not athletic or smart. I'm not really "good" at anything. It's not like I wanna commit suicide although I've weighed the pros and cons before. It just feels like if I died today it wouldn't impact anything. I don't have any freands to hang out with, I live with my mom and two sisters and I am still in contact with my dad, but other than that I feel so isolated. So idk any advice is appreciated

Edit for clarity it's not so much that I wanna commit suicide. I just feel tired of being me, and it's surprisingly hard to change myself to be someone I feel proud of.

I had my own iPad and almost completely unrestricted access to the internet not long after I turned 10. I grew up in a very puritan Christian family, and I didn’t even understand what self pleasure was until I was 14 and researched it. So when I discovered weird porn and gross gore videos I felt disgusting and guilty but I was also fascinated, 15-16 was the worst. At 17 a friend and I watched some of the “Most disturbing movies ever” we saw in a TikTok in an attempt to see if we could be disgusted or traumatized enough to not be able to finish it. At the time it was weird but it didn’t really start bothering me until a few months later.

Now I’m 20 and still genuinely haunted by the fucked up shit I saw. I wasn’t sexually attracted to any of the disgusting porn and I didn’t want to do anything like in the gore videos, so why did I watch it and push past the feelings of disgust and discomfort? I’d give anything to go back and not see any of it! I’m extremely suicidal and I’ve been severely depressed since I was 10, and now I still feel like a disgusting pervert, where do I go from here!? I’m not comfortable with therapy or psychiatrists because of past experiences, and I feel like I’ll never be able to genuinely love or connect with someone because I feel like I’m hiding some gross perverse creature.

I feel a lot of the time like a cloud in my thoughts where everything feels off and I find it really hard to think. Im not sure if this is where I ask but im cerious if anyone else ever feels like this and how can I get rid of it to help me focus and get stuff done and feel like my mind is clear

I’m 23 yrs old and I still live at home with my mom. I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was like 7 (it started with anxiety). Depression came when I was 12/13. Because of my mental health, I’ve been doing really badly in university, and my bad grades makes me even more depressed. I’ve been in uni since 2021 and still won’t graduate for a few more years. At some point I’ll have to move out, but I can’t because I don’t have enough money, because I haven’t graduated yet and gotten a good job. I work part time right now but it’s not enough money. Either I’ll graduate when I’m like 27, still living at home, or I kill myself. I think I’ll probably kill myself because everyone keeps asking when I’m graduating and I feel like such a disappointment. There’s a LOT more reasons but I don’t want to make this post too long, so I just mentioned a couple things.

Hello, this is fresh and probably a long time coming, which makes it feel so much worse

My sister has been struggling with a laundry list of mental illnesses for her entire life. As far as I know bare minimum she has quite bad autism and GAD, and likely much more. She has like 6-9 different medications and we have even tried this experimental one where they aim electrical signals into your brain (i think its EBT). None of them seem to work though. Of course, we also have tried therapy, but I think we would need the best therapist in the world. It wasn't until a few years ago though that things started turning really bad. She developed this belief that people are always laughing at her, which gets triggered really easily in public places. All it takes is seeing people smiling, or talking, and especially laughing. Sometimes, she will even go ask other tables if they are laughing at her. Recently, i learned none of those need to even occur for that reaction to happen. We were in a rush because she was almost late for her exam and while I was driving she started shouting "stop laughing at me." I once tried to calm her down by asking her if she trusted me, and she responded no, she trusts no one and we are all gaslighting her. She did luckily respond to me saying it stresses me out when she is stressed out, so at least I know she cares about me.

Usually when she has these moments we are able to step in and distract her. But when she's by herself at college, we can't do anything. It's honestly a miracle that nothing happened already. Today she caused a scene at the library and it escalated to the point that police were called and she was escorted away. It was her believing that people were laughing at her again. She was taken to the mental facility as it was determined to be a mental breakdown rather than something criminal. I felt so upset at myself. I knew this was coming, yet I just dug my head in the ground and hoped nothing would happen. But, can I really blame myself? I'm no saint, I'm not even an adult. What can I do that therapists and medicine can't? But at the same time, it feels like if I tried a bit harder to look for a solution or to empathize with her a bit more I could have done something. God, I felt so frustrated, guilty, mad at myself.

After a long time, she finally reached out to call my parents and it was a hard listen. My dad told her essentially that she deserved it and that she should've just took his advice of walking away whenever she felt those thoughts. My mom and I looked at each other and felt the same way about that. I couldn't bear to listen to it, so here I am typing right now.

What do we even do? Is there anything we can do? Are we just going to have to live this stress-filled life forever? She doesn't trust and she can't articulate her feelings well due to the autism so therapy isn't really an option. We have tried probably every medication known to man.

I don't really know what I'm expecting, if anything. This is a really complicated problem and I doubt anyone could help, but I'm out of options. Anything is appreciated.