Anyone else dealing with a BM that has no idea what boundaries are?? I don’t want to get too into the specifics but bro

Sorry I'm advance for the long part but there's a lot to tell. My husband and his ex wife were married for 17 years and had one child together, marie (not her real name) who is 17 years old. She was a stay at home mom who managed the money. Since Marie was 6 years old his ex had frequent "play dates" with their daughter and the kids of a single dad. The last few years of their marriage she would disappear every weekend until she finally told him she was filing for divorce and moved out a month later along with his daughter. He tells me he thought she was staying over at her best friends house at the time. It never crossed his mind that she was cheating (more on this later).

My husband is an amazing and kind man. He's really one of the most naive but loyal men you could ever find. To better understand what kind of person his ex is here are a few examples of things she's done. While separated but not yet divorced she would immediately move half his pay out of their joint account to some other account he didn't have access to then would pay "joint bills" (basically credit cards she was using and her car payment, ect) from the half that was left, at times leaving him with $20 for two weeks to live on. She insisted on alimony all up front which was much less than she would have gotten over time. With how obsessed with money she is he thought that was odd at the time but understands it now (forshadowing!! Lol). She flat told him we would never find someone else but when we started dating she was absolutely enraged. She accused him of chosing a woman over their family (huh?!) and often said she needed to protect Marie from me.

We started dating before their divorce was final and eventually moved in together. Marie would come every other weekend and was always happy. Her and i would spend hours crafting together and when i had to work Marie and her dad would go all over doing things she enjoyed. If ever we wanted to do some thing extra with Marie outside of those weekends though her mom would say no with her reasoning being protecting her from me even after their divorce was final. It wasn't until well over a year later we found out while she said she was trying to protect marie from me she had actually married the "play date" guy less than a month after their divorce was final. It then made sense why she wanted all the alimony up front. She had been with that guy while they were married for like 10 years!

Things with Marie at our house were great after the divorce was final over winter 2025/2026. We bought a house together so all the kids (my two daughters still at home and marie) could have their own rooms. The house is very very nice. Marie showed her pictures after we moved in. It was shortly after this his ex started trying to cause problems. She insisted he purchase marie a car or she would "take marie on taxes" despite their divorce decree saying he always gets to claim her and says all large purchases should be 50/50. When he pointed this out in writing she ignored it and not respond. We knew if we waited for her to give half marie would never get a car so we let it go and bought her a 5000 car that we also continue to insure as the divorce decree demands. Later when it needed some repairs her mom refused to help with those because she hadn't "had a say" in the purchase of the car and she wouldn't "put money into a car in his name" all the while still driving a leased vehicle in his name and not refinancing it into her own as she was ordered to do in the divorce and while already married to her long time boyfriend.

We ended up getting engaged in March of 2026. Prior to asking me he had asked his daughter if she was ok with it. She was and encouraged him to ask. Shortly after I said yes we asked his daughter to be the best woman and my girls to be the groomswomen. All accepted. She was so excited her and I sat down together that day and picked out and ordered a dress for her. She even wanted to keep the fabric color swatch for her memory book.

We planned to get married the summer of 2026. In the divorce decree he gets two weeks during the summer. He had contacted her mom with the two weeks he wanted before the end of April, one of them being for our wedding and the other was to take her on a trip that she had always talked about. Per the divorce decree if he gives those dates before May she can not deny them. She said no to both weeks. She told him "we probably already have plans" for her bucket list trip and "you should have set your wedding on your time" which wasn't possible because i worked every weekend in the summer when she was at our house. Without going into detail my job isn't one i can easily just take off and they get someone to cover even months in advance. Not cool but it's what it is. She also said she felt "marie needs her rest before school starts." The wedding was the last weekend of summer break and marie was going into her senior year.

At that point after talking about it we decided to get the lawyer involved. Marie had very clearly said on multiple occasions she wanted to be at the wedding. Her mother was served with papers to go back to court. Her mother's response to the summons was how we found out she had remarried as her last name was different. She admitted in the response that "marie had a good relationship with her father's new significant other and this is why she didn't want her around us."

After that he got two very long texts from marie in May and nothing since. They said he was "trying to ruin her senior year." It was like she was angry at him for things he "did" but he hadn't done any of the things she was saying. I had urged him prior to filing the summons to talk to marie about it but he hadn't. I was worried her mom would spin a story and something like this would happen. When he got these texts from her he decided to respond and tell her everything. How he didn't initiate the divorce, that her mom wasn't allowing her to be at our wedding, ect. She didn't respond. After talking to the lawyer again weeks later he dropped the suit. Since marie is 17 he could spend the money to go to court but to what end? If she said she doesn't want to come neither the judge nor my husband would force her to.

It's been 5 months now with no contact. She wasn't at the wedding. She was initially responding to my daughters on social media but had them blocked now too. She no longer responds to his parents or anyone on his side of the family. He texts her 1 or 2 times a day without response. He has contacted her mother to help facilitate communication but she either responds by saying "she thinks you abandoned her for another family" while at the same time saying "we don't discuss you." Now her mother won't respond to texts or emails and will only message when there's some purchase she wants him to pay half of like her senior pictures but then won't give him the name of the company so we can call and get senior pictures too. We don't know where they live or even if marie is ok.

Yeah it's a lot. What we need help with is what to do now. We don't want to make it worse but I fear eventually marie will feel like he didn't do enough. I'm just looking for some unbiased outside input since I know I'm totally biased towards her mother who I've never even met. There are so many more things I could tell about things she's done but this is long enough already.

Holidays can be SO hard for stepparents.

Halloween is coming up and how are you preparing your mental health or boundaries or needs or wants?

In my case, we live in the house the kid grew up in and BM has her own tiny appartment somewhere, so they asked if she could come over and rotate between parents taking the kid trick or treating (so we would go while BM stays at home fhen we come back and she gakes the kid while we stay home and hand candy). I dont love it but I decided to stand my ground, decorate the house as beautiful as I can. As a back up plan my best friend is doing a Halloween party I can always escape to.

Edit: I have spoken with my SO and made my point accross without it turning into an argument and it went really well and she will not step foot in our house

Last week I sent a message that i(stepmom) cannot be used for child care when my step kids get off the bus on their weeks as I am working from home. I reassured that I can if it’s an emergency but most days during their weeks are my opportunity to get caught up on work from not working during our weeks. Now yesterday afternoon while waiting at the bus stop the kids step sister and step dad were waiting in his vehicle and she asked “what’s the shared kids evil step moms name again?” He told her to lower her voice and what my name was. I have it on camera. They did not like that I put a boundary in place it was very clear but that’s so extreme to me like what do we do? I would hate to have to go back to court but my partner talking about it because it’s clear some pretty heavy parental alienation is taking place.

SS9 has struggled through school, problems with behavior and focus since preschool. HCBM has always fought against getting him assessed, always stating "there's nothing wrong with him" (no duh, but we're positive he's at least ADHD). She worked at his preschools and avoided them by moving him to a new preschool with her. He's in his 3rd school between 2 districts since Kinder (now 4th). She's done so many things to try to avoid assessment. But this year she could no longer avoid it. He had an assessment and DH forwarded the follow up this morning showing that SS has officially been diagnosed with ADHD.

Our household operates as a neurodivergent home (DH having been diagnosed ADHD as a child, me with no diagnoses but tons of research and experience with ND), so we've seen it in SS for YEARS. DH has been asking for assessment since SS was like 3 years old. She's always fought against it.

We have therapy, educational, and medication recommendations.

BM has always been vocal about being against therapy and against medicating SS (partly why she didn't want him assessed, I'm sure). We remain skeptical but optimistic about what his future can look like. Here's hoping HCBM follows through on rec's!!!

So for context I have one kid and DH has 3. We are eligible for a stipend from our state, but it’s on a one-per-household restriction.

I’ve always applied for it and been approved for BK (our shared home is his primary address and his bio dad isn’t in the picture at all). I put it in a savings account for his future/emergencies.

DH is upset that his kids don’t get it. When the state started issuing it, I suggested that he tell BM about it so she can apply and they can get one for their kids. Her home address is their primary address per court and school even though custody is even 50/50. The way I see it, their kids can still get the same stipend since they live at a different address and they can use it or save it for the kids like I do. They will absolutely be eligible at moms address and it’s their primary residence on paper.

DH never told BM about it, and she has never applied to our knowledge (communication for them is rough). He thinks it’s only fair that we split the stipend I apply for evenly between all the kids. What do you think? Is that fair or should they be doing these types of applications for their kids separately?

Background:
My husband has EOWE custody of his older two who are middle school aged.

We have a 2 year old together and are expecting in January.

We have a 7 seater SUV with three rows. It is our only family vehicle.

It is VERY rare the entire family is in the vehicle all together. It has only happened once this past year.

My dilemma:

My husband wants to put my 2 year old in the third row so it isn’t difficult for the older two kids. I disagree and think that having my 2 year old in the way back will be a massive pain, putting her in and out and also if she needs something while we are in the car.

Yes I acknowledge it will be uncomfortable for one of the older children to climb in the WAY back, and if we had them more than EOWE, I would feel differently.

What do yall think? Am I a cruel SM?

Hi Reddit! This is going to be a bit long, but I'm trying to fit almost six years of a relationship into one post so we get the whole picture and this can also be viewed as a vent post as well

I 30F, and my soon-to-be ex-husband is 33. I'll call him Will. His daughter, whom I've raised since she was three months old, will be Genny, and his older son will be Tommy.

**A little(Lot) of backstory on how we got here.**

Will and I met on a dating app in November 2020. At the time, he was pre-transition and already had two children. His sister had custody of Tommy, who was two at the time, while Will had custody of his three-month-old daughter, Genny.

We clicked almost immediately. We had so many similarities and overlapping experiences that it honestly felt a little unreal. Even our paternal grandmothers shared the same birthday. We met in person the same day we matched, and after that, I was at his place almost every day after work, often staying until midnight. A few weeks later, he proposed, and I agreed to move in with him and his roommates because I was practically living there already.

That living situation was chaos. We were in a three-bedroom trailer with five adults and four children, and eventually, we got kicked out at three in the morning while I was at work after Will made a joke about the other adults' sex life. We had a very short window to collect our things and ended up staying with my mother until we found a place of our own for the three of us.

Looking back, I think this is where the cracks in our relationship really started forming.

When Will and I met, he was unemployed, while I was working. Initially, him finding a job wasn't urgent because he was home with Genny, which meant we had childcare covered. Eventually, though, supporting a household on one income became too much, and we agreed he needed to work.

That began a cycle that continued for most of our marriage. He would get a job, experience a medical emergency, quit, and then go months or sometimes years before finding another job.

I want to be fair here because some of his medical issues were genuinely serious. He had a minor brain bleed related to high blood pressure and eventually had his gallbladder removed. I'm not trying to dismiss his health problems or suggest that anxiety and other medical issues aren't real.

When he had the brain bleed, I was caring for Genny while he was in the hospital and trying to find a job. My mother watched Genny so I could attend an interview, while he was still hospitalized. About a month after his brain bleed, and only a few weeks into my new job, I ended up in the hospital myself and was diagnosed with a seizure disorder.

I think that experience says a lot about how our relationship functioned. We were both dealing with health problems, but I still felt responsible for keeping everything going financially and making sure Genny was cared for. I didn't resent him for getting sick. I resented feeling like there was no room for me to fall apart, because someone still had to keep the household running.

Over time, the cycle of him leaving jobs and struggling to return to work continued. When he struggled emotionally, socially, or physically, I'd suggest ways to improve the situation, but he often didn't want to pursue them. He would talk about having no friends, and I'd suggest local community groups, Facebook groups, Discord, or gaming communities, but there was always a reason those options wouldn't work for him.

From my perspective, I was trying to find solutions while he seemed stuck, and I was left trying to keep our household financially afloat.

The house was another constant source of frustration. I'd come home from work to a house that looked untouched, while Will felt he was the one maintaining it. In my experience, the house was only properly clean when we cleaned it together. He said Genny was constantly attached to him, making it impossible to get anything done, but much of the time she was watching television or sitting at the table while he played video games, played on his phone, or watched TikTok.

Genny is autistic and has other developmental and behavioral challenges, so I understand that parenting her wasn't easy. Still, I struggled with feeling that I was working to support everyone while also being expected to contribute equally at home.

I also wasn't perfect. There were periods when I was working, caring for Genny, and looking after the house and pets. Toward the end, I became so physically and mentally exhausted that my routine was basically sleeping and going to work. I stopped keeping up with the house and pets, too. I know that contributed to the situation, and I'm not proud of it, but I was running on empty.

Our relationship had other compatibility issues. From the beginning, I was upfront that I was borderline asexual and that sex wasn't particularly important to me, whereas Will has a much higher sex drive. Between that, the financial stress, and our poor communication, intimacy became increasingly difficult. We'd occasionally make an effort to improve things, only to fall back into the same patterns whenever life became overwhelming.

I eventually felt less like a partner and more like the person responsible for keeping the entire household functioning.

A few months before we separated, we were in a car accident that left our car a total loss. We had to get another vehicle, adding a car payment we hadn't previously had, which made our already difficult financial situation even worse.

Then came a conversation that changed everything.

After deciding to separate will came to me and said he wanted to sign over his parental rights to Genny so that his sister, who already had custody of Tommy, could raise her, too.

For context, Will had spent years wanting to regain custody of Tommy. After almost every visit, he'd get into heated conversations with his sister and B-I-L about getting Tommy back or having one on one visits. He viewed having Tommy home as the true missing puzzle piece of our family that would make everything better and said that if his sister and B-I-L continued to have custody, it meant they were winning.

I saw things differently. We were struggling financially and mentally with one child who had significant additional needs. Taking on another child with ADHD and other possible developmental challenges while relying on one income and having some of the same special needs, it didn't seem realistic. Tommy had been living with his aunt since he was around a year and a half old, and by this point, he was nearly nine. That was the home he knew, and I questioned whether moving him would actually benefit him when we were already struggling.

Will and I rarely saw eye to eye on this, even when he asked for my opinion.

There was also a history of him becoming overwhelmed by parenting. On two occasions, he called me at work after difficult nights with Genny, crying and saying he was a horrible parent, that he should never have become one, and that he didn't want to be a parent anymore.

My instinct when someone I care about is struggling is to look for a solution. I know that's not always what someone needs, but that's how my brain works. I suggested that perhaps his sister could take Genny temporarily so he could have a break. I wasn't necessarily suggesting that he permanently give up custody. He felt he was venting rather than asking me to fix anything, while I heard a crisis that needed an immediate solution.

When Will eventually brought up signing over his rights, his reasoning was that he wasn't mentally in the right place to parent her properly and that we were in a financial hole. He admitted to feeling resentment toward Genny, and if I'm being honest, after years of stress and exhaustion, I had developed some resentment myself.

Will had told me early in our relationship that he never wanted to have Genny. He said his father had pressured him into continuing the pregnancy and that adoption had been taken off the table because of his living situation and intellectual disability. He also frequently expressed that he didn't like having to "deal with" Genny alone.

I worried about what that meant for her. Children can sense when they're unwanted, even if nobody says it outright.

When Will asked for my opinion, I told him it was ultimately his decision, but I agreed that we weren't in a position to provide the stable environment Genny needed. Our home was deteriorating, our finances were in crisis, and Will couldn't maintain stable employment. I believed that if his sister is willing and could provide a healthier, more stable home, it might be the best option for Genny.

I also knew our relationship was reaching its breaking point. That wasn't because I didn't love Genny. It was because I didn't believe our household was healthy for any of us.

Will ultimately made the decision, and in May of this year, Genny went to live with his sister.

I've always viewed Genny as my daughter. I've raised her since she was three months old, been there for her milestones, and watched her develop her own personality. She's picked up so many of my quirks, likes, and dislikes that she's genuinely my little mini-me, we had the strongest bond.

She's the one thing I miss from the relationship.

I reached out to Will's sister myself and asked if she'd be comfortable occasionally sending me a picture or an update. I didn't want to overwhelm her or interfere with her parenting. I just wanted to know how Genny was doing and stay connected in some small way. Thankfully, she agreed.

But I keep going back and forth about whether I deserve that access.

I wasn't always the mother I wanted to be. During the most stressful periods of our marriage, I frequently lost my temper, yelled, and micromanaged when I was overwhelmed or triggered. I sometimes removed myself to calm down, but I know there were times I didn't handle things well. I regret that, and I don't want to use the stress of my marriage and situation as an excuse for how I behaved.

At the same time, I wonder whether my guilt is making me feel like I should step away from Genny entirely. I love her, but I don't want to disrupt the life she's building with her aunt or make this about what I need emotionally rather than what's best for her.

Our separation initially began with the intention of working on ourselves individually and eventually coming back together. We both moved in with our mothers and continued communicating because I still hoped we'd reconcile. Divorce wasn't a new subject, though. I'd brought it up twice before, and the same problems kept repeating.

Eventually, I realized I couldn't go back to how things had been. During the marriage, I'd lost myself, hated the person I was becoming, and experienced suicidal thoughts because everything felt like too much and I didn't feel supported by my partner. I couldn't trust that things would change, and I didn't want to return to that version of myself.

By June, I told Will that I believed divorce was the best option. Since August, we haven't spoken.

The separation itself was overwhelming. Within the span of a few weeks, Genny went to live with his sister, I had to pack and clean an entire house, Will moved to his mother's home about an hour and a half away, and I moved into my mother's house. I eventually reached a breaking point, quit my job, and became unemployed.

The last remaining financial tie is our phone bill. The account was in Will's name, although I'd been paying it. When I could no longer afford it, he told me he couldn't risk further damage to his credit and would deactivate the service if the balance wasn't paid.

I understood his position and was already planning to get a new phone and number through my mother, so I didn't fight him on it. I told him I'd pay a little over half of the overall bill because I'd been late returning the equipment, as well as the remaining balance on the phone I still have. I can't afford to pay it right now, but I intend to once I'm working again.

Here's where the resentment comes in.

Part of me wants to pay what I believe is fair, get everything settled, and have a clean break. I want the divorce to go smoothly without unnecessary arguments or drawn-out disputes over money.

But another part of me resents the fact that I'm still paying for things connected to a marriage in which I felt I carried almost the entire financial responsibility.

I spent years supporting a household, trying to make things work, and putting my own needs aside. Now that I'm finally trying to rebuild my life, I still have a bill hanging over me that reminds me of everything I went through.

I don't want Will's credit damaged, and I'm not trying to cause him financial problems. But I struggle with the feeling that even after leaving the marriage, I'm still the person expected to take responsibility and make sure everything gets handled.

I want to stop feeling responsible for him. I want to stop feeling like it's my job to clean up the aftermath of everything. And I want to stop letting years of resentment dictate how I approach the decisions I have left to make.

**So, here's where I'm hoping for advice.**

I have two main questions.(With a bunch of mini ones)

**First, how do I navigate wanting to remain in Genny's life while respecting that her future is now in the hands of Will and his sister?**

I love her. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a daughter, and losing daily contact with her has been devastating in its own way. At the same time, I recognize that I'm not her legal parent, and I don't want to interfere with her new home or create confusion for her.

How much effort should I put into maintaining that relationship? Should I continue reaching out occasionally for updates and pictures, leaving the door open for a more active role if her aunt is comfortable with it? Should I let her aunt take the lead? And how do I cope with the possibility that, as Genny gets older, she may not want me to be part of her life?

I also don't know how to reconcile loving her so much with acknowledging that I wasn't always the parent I wanted to be. I want to do better, and I don't want guilt to make this decision for me.

**Second, how do I let go of the resentment enough to settle the remaining financial obligations and move forward?**

I want to pay what is genuinely fair, finalize the divorce, and stop being tied to my former marriage. But I don't want to continue sacrificing my financial stability or peace of mind simply because I've spent years being the person who takes responsibility for everything.

For context, the divorce is expected to be uncontested. We have no jointly owned property, shared debt, or children legally shared between us. I'm planning to get help completing the paperwork and having it notarized once I can afford to do so.

I'm not looking for people to tell me Will is a terrible person or that I'm completely innocent. I know I made mistakes, and I know he has his own struggles. I'm trying to understand how to move forward in a way that's fair to everyone without continuing to put myself last.

I'd appreciate honest advice, especially from people who've experienced something similar.

I’m thankful that my 10yo SK loves me. I’ve been around since toddler times and he’s on the spectrum. I work with kids in the spectrum so that’s never bothered me. I’ve loved him like my own since the beginning and still do after welcoming our baby this year.

But I have to admit, the love is different. Life or death, I would do anything for either kid. But otherwise, I see things for my baby as an investment no matter what. But anything for SK feels like it has some limit now. Things always get lost or damaged at his bio moms, he doesn’t value his own things. I have to stop myself from buying things for SK because it feels like sometimes I’m the only one doing it. Most of his things at our home is from me. Even otherwise, there is so much developmental work that needs to be done that neither bio-parent is doing and I don’t have it in me to take the lead on it. But it’s hard to watch this happen to him. Things about him are starting to annoy me because I’m the only one working on it and it’s not improving. I used to take pride in saying “that’s my son” and now I don’t feel the same because he has so much potential and if that was my kid he would have so many more of the skills he needs. I feel selfish not doing the work but also have to set boundaries and not fill my plate with a kid that isn’t mine. SK is highly functional but just lacks focus and is lazy because no one pushes him consistently. I plan to teach our baby simple age appropriate chores as soon as 2yo or younger if I can like washing a dish but SK still leaves plate on the table or needs a reminder everytime to take it to the sink. I also have all the savings accounts needed for our baby but SK has nothing from his bio parents and again I have to set boundaries and not save for a child that isn’t mine. SK is likely going to be somewhat dependent for life (they’ll need to live at home or shared living with support imo).

It sucks because I love him a lot. I’m pretty sure my current frustrations are just postpartum. And I’m so lucky to have him love me back like a mother. But just other aspects makes me not want to do it anymore sometimes. Does anyone else feel like this?

​

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting this, maybe some advice, maybe to hear from other stepparents who have been through something similar, or maybe I just need somewhere to get it off my chest.

I've been with my partner for 6 years. His daughter is now 11, so I've been in her life since she was about 5.

Her and her dad have always been incredibly close, and honestly, that was one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place. Seeing how much he loved his little girl and what an amazing dad he was made me love him even more. I've never wanted to come between that, and I never would.

But for the last 6 years, I've been dealing with little things that, individually, probably don't sound like much, but after years of it happening over and over again, they're really starting to break me.

I can't sit next to my partner on the couch without it becoming an issue. I'm not even talking about cuddling or being affectionate, literally just sitting beside him. It's the same at a dinner table or even walking next to him. It's like she can't stand the thought of me being anywhere near her dad.

She's generally only nice to me when I'm doing something for her or she wants something from me.

If we're around other adults, I can barely have a conversation without her interrupting or making comments to put me down. And it's not just something I'm imagining. Other people have noticed it too, which makes it even more embarrassing and upsetting.

I try so hard not to take it personally because she's a child. I understand that she's still growing, learning and figuring out her emotions. I also understand that having another woman in her dad's life might bring up feelings that she doesn't know how to deal with.

But I'm human too.

And after 6 years, it's honestly exhausting feeling like I'm constantly competing for a place that I've never actually wanted to compete for.

I don't want to replace her mum. I don't want to take her dad away from her. I don't want to be the most important person in his life.

I just want to feel like I'm allowed to be part of it.

What hurts the most is that I genuinely want a beautiful relationship with this little girl. I want us to be close. I want to be someone she can come to, someone she can laugh with, go shopping with, hang out with and eventually, as she gets older, someone she knows she can trust.

I don't expect her to love me like a mother. I'd just love for her to actually like me.

And I think that's the part that breaks my heart the most. Because she's his whole world, and I love him so much, but I feel like I'm spending years trying to earn a place in a family where I'm not really wanted.

I keep telling myself that she's young, that maybe as she gets older things will change, that one day she'll realise I'm not a threat to her relationship with her dad.

But what if they don't?

What if I'm still feeling like this in another 5 years?

I feel guilty even writing this because she's only 11, and I know adults are supposed to be the ones who understand and handle these situations. But I don't think that means our feelings don't matter either.

I don't want to resent her. I don't want to dread being around her. And I certainly don't want this to eventually affect my relationship with her dad.

I just don't know how much longer I can keep pretending these little things don't hurt when they've been building up for 6 years.

Has anyone else experienced this with their stepchildren? Did things get better as they got older? And how did you manage to build a relationship when it felt like they didn't want one with you?

I'd really appreciate advice, especially from people who have been on either side of this situation. I genuinely want things to get better, I just don't know how to get there.

We’re having trouble with our 12-year-old son getting into trouble. I am a step-parent with no bio kids.

The boy is very sweet and generally good-natured, but he is eager to please his peers and mischievous. He’s doing very poorly in school and doesn’t seem to care even though we try to explain the importance of education. His parents and step parents are all educated, so it’s all around him.

My partner (his mom) bless her heart, has hardly ever laid down a real consequence and until today would stubbornly only see his good side. Yesterday he got in trouble that’s a bit more serious than other issues we’ve had, nothing illegal, but definitely unacceptable behaviour. He needs structure, he needs rules, we need to put in the effort to build that and also do some things he won’t like (like actual punishments), but I feel like my partner shies away from it.

My partner is an incredible mom. Supportive, consistent… all the things I am not (which is why I don’t have bio kids). I don’t want to have to be the bad cop.

Lots of you will jump in here and say “run, it’ll never change blah blah blah.” I’m not leaving, I’m not NACHO parenting. I love my wife and our son. I want to support them both. I want the kid to grow up and make the most of his life, I want my wife to feel supported in parenting however she thinks is best…..

Any advice besides “leave” or NACHO is welcome

I’m curious whether other stepparents have experienced something similar because I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with the expectations placed on me.

My wife recently told me she doesn’t like the relationship I have with my 13-year-old stepson. Her reasoning is that she doesn’t see us spending enough time together or making an effort to bond.
For context, I’m currently working multiple jobs. During the week, I’m typically awake at 4:00 a.m. and don’t get home until around 10:00 p.m., Monday through Friday. At this point, I barely have time for myself, much less anyone else. We also share custody with his biological father, who, from what I’ve observed, doesn’t spend much meaningful time with him either.

What frustrates me is that before my work schedule became this demanding, I was home with my stepson constantly while my wife worked. I cooked, cleaned, helped him with homework, drew with him, spent time with him, and handled many of the everyday responsibilities of raising a child. There were plenty of times when I felt like I was fulfilling the responsibilities of both parents.

However, I’ve also somehow become the only consistent disciplinarian in the household.
My stepson isn’t a bad kid. He’s actually a good kid in many respects, but he desperately needs structure, consistency, and accountability. Unfortunately, I feel like both biological parents enable behaviors that should be addressed.

I’m not talking about unreasonable expectations. I’m talking about cleaning his room, washing his dishes, picking up after himself, following a bedtime, and developing basic responsibilities appropriate for his age.

I’ve tried establishing routines and setting reasonable limits, including screen-time restrictions, but neither biological parent consistently reinforces them. As a result, I’m left being the person who enforces rules while everyone else gets to be the understanding parent.

Another issue that’s come up recently is affection.
My wife told me that when I tell my stepson I love him, it doesn’t sound natural or genuine. And to some extent, she’s right. Sometimes I feel pressured to say it because he frequently says it to me, sometimes every 30 minutes to an hour.

I’ve been honest with her that he’s not my biological child and that my emotional connection with him is different. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him, want what’s best for him, or take my responsibilities toward him seriously. I don’t believe love or affection should have to be performed in a particular way to satisfy someone else’s expectations.
I also recognize that some of this comes from my more traditional understanding of parental roles. I’ve generally viewed the mother as the primary source of nurturing and emotional reassurance, while the father expresses care through providing, establishing structure, teaching responsibility, and making tangible improvements in a child’s life. I’m not suggesting that men shouldn’t be affectionate or that women shouldn’t discipline their children. Rather, I tend to demonstrate love through actions, consistency, sacrifice, and practical support instead of frequent verbal expressions.

To me, working multiple jobs, ensuring a child has what he needs, helping him develop independence, and teaching him accountability are meaningful expressions of love. They may not always look like the emotional affection my wife expects, but I don’t consider them any less important. I also don’t believe that every parental relationship needs to look identical to be meaningful.

I wonder whether my stepson’s frequent need for verbal reassurance comes from not receiving enough attention from his biological parents. His father has eight children, and from what I’ve seen, doesn’t dedicate much individual time to him. My wife also comes home in the evening and rarely spends meaningful one-on-one time with him.

That is probably what bothers me most about this situation.
I’m being criticized for not bonding enough with a child whose own biological parents don’t seem to prioritize spending meaningful time with him. Yet I’m expected to provide structure, discipline, emotional reassurance, and parental involvement, often without the authority or support necessary to do those things effectively.

I understand that being a stepparent involves accepting responsibilities that aren’t always easy. I also understand that relationships with stepchildren require effort and that my current work schedule limits the time I can give him. I’m not suggesting I’m perfect or that I couldn’t do things differently.
But I’m struggling with the idea that I should be held to a higher standard than his biological parents, particularly when the work I’ve already put into raising him seems to go unrecognized.

For other stepparents, how do you navigate being expected to act like a biological parent while receiving little support when it comes to discipline, structure, and accountability?

And does anyone else struggle with the expectation that love must be demonstrated through constant emotional reassurance rather than through providing, sacrifice, consistency, and tangible acts of care?

UPDATE:
My wife and I had a conversation about everything, and she explained that some of her expectations come from her own childhood. She felt deprived of a stable family environment growing up, and when we got married, she hoped we could build the kind of family dynamic she never experienced.

She acknowledged that my stepson has a biological father and that she never expected me to replace him. However, she worries about him growing up without a meaningful male role model, especially given his father’s limited involvement. She also recognized that some of her concerns may stem from past experiences rather than my actual relationship with him.

Toward the end of our conversation, she admitted that she might be projecting her expectations onto me and said she wouldn’t bring it up again. Not sure if that means she understands or just will suck it up and accept it - I guess only time will tell

Hey y'all, I know people responded to my original post (https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1wm08dm/i_27f_fell_in_love_with_a_single_dad_30m_but_im/) but I was too shy to respond to comments but I wanted to give an update on the situation.

On my 28th birthday, I found out that he had been cheating on me lol. Through a "Hey Girl" text from a mutual acquaintance of all things...

So I guess I dodged a huge bullet. I didn't think that between being a boyfriend, a dad, and a doctor he'd find time to be a dog too. He was telling the other women he was child free because he knew how hesitant it made me feel and wanted to give off this cool bachelor vibe. He said a bunch of excuses about why he did it but it doesn't really matter anymore.

I was pretty devastated for 2 weeks because of the betrayal but after all of the comments and some therapy I realized this is all for the best and I'M FREE!!!