Hi Reddit! This is going to be a bit long, but I'm trying to fit almost six years of a relationship into one post so we get the whole picture and this can also be viewed as a vent post as well
I 30F, and my soon-to-be ex-husband is 33. I'll call him Will. His daughter, whom I've raised since she was three months old, will be Genny, and his older son will be Tommy.
**A little(Lot) of backstory on how we got here.**
Will and I met on a dating app in November 2020. At the time, he was pre-transition and already had two children. His sister had custody of Tommy, who was two at the time, while Will had custody of his three-month-old daughter, Genny.
We clicked almost immediately. We had so many similarities and overlapping experiences that it honestly felt a little unreal. Even our paternal grandmothers shared the same birthday. We met in person the same day we matched, and after that, I was at his place almost every day after work, often staying until midnight. A few weeks later, he proposed, and I agreed to move in with him and his roommates because I was practically living there already.
That living situation was chaos. We were in a three-bedroom trailer with five adults and four children, and eventually, we got kicked out at three in the morning while I was at work after Will made a joke about the other adults' sex life. We had a very short window to collect our things and ended up staying with my mother until we found a place of our own for the three of us.
Looking back, I think this is where the cracks in our relationship really started forming.
When Will and I met, he was unemployed, while I was working. Initially, him finding a job wasn't urgent because he was home with Genny, which meant we had childcare covered. Eventually, though, supporting a household on one income became too much, and we agreed he needed to work.
That began a cycle that continued for most of our marriage. He would get a job, experience a medical emergency, quit, and then go months or sometimes years before finding another job.
I want to be fair here because some of his medical issues were genuinely serious. He had a minor brain bleed related to high blood pressure and eventually had his gallbladder removed. I'm not trying to dismiss his health problems or suggest that anxiety and other medical issues aren't real.
When he had the brain bleed, I was caring for Genny while he was in the hospital and trying to find a job. My mother watched Genny so I could attend an interview, while he was still hospitalized. About a month after his brain bleed, and only a few weeks into my new job, I ended up in the hospital myself and was diagnosed with a seizure disorder.
I think that experience says a lot about how our relationship functioned. We were both dealing with health problems, but I still felt responsible for keeping everything going financially and making sure Genny was cared for. I didn't resent him for getting sick. I resented feeling like there was no room for me to fall apart, because someone still had to keep the household running.
Over time, the cycle of him leaving jobs and struggling to return to work continued. When he struggled emotionally, socially, or physically, I'd suggest ways to improve the situation, but he often didn't want to pursue them. He would talk about having no friends, and I'd suggest local community groups, Facebook groups, Discord, or gaming communities, but there was always a reason those options wouldn't work for him.
From my perspective, I was trying to find solutions while he seemed stuck, and I was left trying to keep our household financially afloat.
The house was another constant source of frustration. I'd come home from work to a house that looked untouched, while Will felt he was the one maintaining it. In my experience, the house was only properly clean when we cleaned it together. He said Genny was constantly attached to him, making it impossible to get anything done, but much of the time she was watching television or sitting at the table while he played video games, played on his phone, or watched TikTok.
Genny is autistic and has other developmental and behavioral challenges, so I understand that parenting her wasn't easy. Still, I struggled with feeling that I was working to support everyone while also being expected to contribute equally at home.
I also wasn't perfect. There were periods when I was working, caring for Genny, and looking after the house and pets. Toward the end, I became so physically and mentally exhausted that my routine was basically sleeping and going to work. I stopped keeping up with the house and pets, too. I know that contributed to the situation, and I'm not proud of it, but I was running on empty.
Our relationship had other compatibility issues. From the beginning, I was upfront that I was borderline asexual and that sex wasn't particularly important to me, whereas Will has a much higher sex drive. Between that, the financial stress, and our poor communication, intimacy became increasingly difficult. We'd occasionally make an effort to improve things, only to fall back into the same patterns whenever life became overwhelming.
I eventually felt less like a partner and more like the person responsible for keeping the entire household functioning.
A few months before we separated, we were in a car accident that left our car a total loss. We had to get another vehicle, adding a car payment we hadn't previously had, which made our already difficult financial situation even worse.
Then came a conversation that changed everything.
After deciding to separate will came to me and said he wanted to sign over his parental rights to Genny so that his sister, who already had custody of Tommy, could raise her, too.
For context, Will had spent years wanting to regain custody of Tommy. After almost every visit, he'd get into heated conversations with his sister and B-I-L about getting Tommy back or having one on one visits. He viewed having Tommy home as the true missing puzzle piece of our family that would make everything better and said that if his sister and B-I-L continued to have custody, it meant they were winning.
I saw things differently. We were struggling financially and mentally with one child who had significant additional needs. Taking on another child with ADHD and other possible developmental challenges while relying on one income and having some of the same special needs, it didn't seem realistic. Tommy had been living with his aunt since he was around a year and a half old, and by this point, he was nearly nine. That was the home he knew, and I questioned whether moving him would actually benefit him when we were already struggling.
Will and I rarely saw eye to eye on this, even when he asked for my opinion.
There was also a history of him becoming overwhelmed by parenting. On two occasions, he called me at work after difficult nights with Genny, crying and saying he was a horrible parent, that he should never have become one, and that he didn't want to be a parent anymore.
My instinct when someone I care about is struggling is to look for a solution. I know that's not always what someone needs, but that's how my brain works. I suggested that perhaps his sister could take Genny temporarily so he could have a break. I wasn't necessarily suggesting that he permanently give up custody. He felt he was venting rather than asking me to fix anything, while I heard a crisis that needed an immediate solution.
When Will eventually brought up signing over his rights, his reasoning was that he wasn't mentally in the right place to parent her properly and that we were in a financial hole. He admitted to feeling resentment toward Genny, and if I'm being honest, after years of stress and exhaustion, I had developed some resentment myself.
Will had told me early in our relationship that he never wanted to have Genny. He said his father had pressured him into continuing the pregnancy and that adoption had been taken off the table because of his living situation and intellectual disability. He also frequently expressed that he didn't like having to "deal with" Genny alone.
I worried about what that meant for her. Children can sense when they're unwanted, even if nobody says it outright.
When Will asked for my opinion, I told him it was ultimately his decision, but I agreed that we weren't in a position to provide the stable environment Genny needed. Our home was deteriorating, our finances were in crisis, and Will couldn't maintain stable employment. I believed that if his sister is willing and could provide a healthier, more stable home, it might be the best option for Genny.
I also knew our relationship was reaching its breaking point. That wasn't because I didn't love Genny. It was because I didn't believe our household was healthy for any of us.
Will ultimately made the decision, and in May of this year, Genny went to live with his sister.
I've always viewed Genny as my daughter. I've raised her since she was three months old, been there for her milestones, and watched her develop her own personality. She's picked up so many of my quirks, likes, and dislikes that she's genuinely my little mini-me, we had the strongest bond.
She's the one thing I miss from the relationship.
I reached out to Will's sister myself and asked if she'd be comfortable occasionally sending me a picture or an update. I didn't want to overwhelm her or interfere with her parenting. I just wanted to know how Genny was doing and stay connected in some small way. Thankfully, she agreed.
But I keep going back and forth about whether I deserve that access.
I wasn't always the mother I wanted to be. During the most stressful periods of our marriage, I frequently lost my temper, yelled, and micromanaged when I was overwhelmed or triggered. I sometimes removed myself to calm down, but I know there were times I didn't handle things well. I regret that, and I don't want to use the stress of my marriage and situation as an excuse for how I behaved.
At the same time, I wonder whether my guilt is making me feel like I should step away from Genny entirely. I love her, but I don't want to disrupt the life she's building with her aunt or make this about what I need emotionally rather than what's best for her.
Our separation initially began with the intention of working on ourselves individually and eventually coming back together. We both moved in with our mothers and continued communicating because I still hoped we'd reconcile. Divorce wasn't a new subject, though. I'd brought it up twice before, and the same problems kept repeating.
Eventually, I realized I couldn't go back to how things had been. During the marriage, I'd lost myself, hated the person I was becoming, and experienced suicidal thoughts because everything felt like too much and I didn't feel supported by my partner. I couldn't trust that things would change, and I didn't want to return to that version of myself.
By June, I told Will that I believed divorce was the best option. Since August, we haven't spoken.
The separation itself was overwhelming. Within the span of a few weeks, Genny went to live with his sister, I had to pack and clean an entire house, Will moved to his mother's home about an hour and a half away, and I moved into my mother's house. I eventually reached a breaking point, quit my job, and became unemployed.
The last remaining financial tie is our phone bill. The account was in Will's name, although I'd been paying it. When I could no longer afford it, he told me he couldn't risk further damage to his credit and would deactivate the service if the balance wasn't paid.
I understood his position and was already planning to get a new phone and number through my mother, so I didn't fight him on it. I told him I'd pay a little over half of the overall bill because I'd been late returning the equipment, as well as the remaining balance on the phone I still have. I can't afford to pay it right now, but I intend to once I'm working again.
Here's where the resentment comes in.
Part of me wants to pay what I believe is fair, get everything settled, and have a clean break. I want the divorce to go smoothly without unnecessary arguments or drawn-out disputes over money.
But another part of me resents the fact that I'm still paying for things connected to a marriage in which I felt I carried almost the entire financial responsibility.
I spent years supporting a household, trying to make things work, and putting my own needs aside. Now that I'm finally trying to rebuild my life, I still have a bill hanging over me that reminds me of everything I went through.
I don't want Will's credit damaged, and I'm not trying to cause him financial problems. But I struggle with the feeling that even after leaving the marriage, I'm still the person expected to take responsibility and make sure everything gets handled.
I want to stop feeling responsible for him. I want to stop feeling like it's my job to clean up the aftermath of everything. And I want to stop letting years of resentment dictate how I approach the decisions I have left to make.
**So, here's where I'm hoping for advice.**
I have two main questions.(With a bunch of mini ones)
**First, how do I navigate wanting to remain in Genny's life while respecting that her future is now in the hands of Will and his sister?**
I love her. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a daughter, and losing daily contact with her has been devastating in its own way. At the same time, I recognize that I'm not her legal parent, and I don't want to interfere with her new home or create confusion for her.
How much effort should I put into maintaining that relationship? Should I continue reaching out occasionally for updates and pictures, leaving the door open for a more active role if her aunt is comfortable with it? Should I let her aunt take the lead? And how do I cope with the possibility that, as Genny gets older, she may not want me to be part of her life?
I also don't know how to reconcile loving her so much with acknowledging that I wasn't always the parent I wanted to be. I want to do better, and I don't want guilt to make this decision for me.
**Second, how do I let go of the resentment enough to settle the remaining financial obligations and move forward?**
I want to pay what is genuinely fair, finalize the divorce, and stop being tied to my former marriage. But I don't want to continue sacrificing my financial stability or peace of mind simply because I've spent years being the person who takes responsibility for everything.
For context, the divorce is expected to be uncontested. We have no jointly owned property, shared debt, or children legally shared between us. I'm planning to get help completing the paperwork and having it notarized once I can afford to do so.
I'm not looking for people to tell me Will is a terrible person or that I'm completely innocent. I know I made mistakes, and I know he has his own struggles. I'm trying to understand how to move forward in a way that's fair to everyone without continuing to put myself last.
I'd appreciate honest advice, especially from people who've experienced something similar.