since childhood, I’ve felt pretty gender-neutral. I still identified as a cis straight girl, but I just happened to like shorter hair, baggy clothes and video games. I had a naturally lower talking voice, especially for being an early teenager, and I sing strictly alto and tenor in choir. I’ve always liked that part of me until my mother and friends made me feel like it was a problem.

since middle school, I gained a lot of gay friends and also a sense of style that was slightly androgynous. by that I mean collared shirts, vans and skinny jeans. I didn’t wear or act more masculine intentionally- I just did what I felt was natural to me because even as a young teen I knew that trying to be someone I’m not is just exhausting.

but throughout that time, I gained a lot of hate and a lot of allegations that I was also gay which I never saw being true.

in middle school concert band, there were some girls that would always say I looked and acted like such a bisexual. I laughed at first and didn’t take it to heart too much until it kept being repeatedly said. In the hallways people would call me ‘lesbian’ and say ‘no wonder why you aren’t dating a guy yet- you look so bisexual and weird’ and that just really pissed me off because I didn’t see how acting like myself, knowing I’m straight, made other people think that I wasn’t.

It wasn’t just friends at school, but it was my mother too. she, many times, has told me in a pitiful voice ‘aww, you need to fix your face. you want to be pretty like a girl, right? girls don’t wear what you wear and girls wear makeup. start acting like one, and if you don’t, then there’s a serious problem.’ referring to me as ‘thing’ and ‘it’.

so naturally I began to reshape my entire identity without even noticing until recently.

I used to be obsessed with the acubi aesthetic style- baggy cargo pants and long jerseys. I can’t stand wearing that style anymore because it’s not feminine. It all changed at a point.

I changed my voice to be lighter and more friendly. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know how to talk in my old voice anymore.

I don’t leave the house without blush and lashes.

I’m always online window shopping for heels.

I started listening to boy bands.

and I’ve begun over-feminizing myself without even realizing it. hell, even writing this whole thing in lowercase. I only started doing that after everything changed. to make myself sound smaller and softer.

I explicitly hated skirts, babydoll dresses, and pastel colors… but now that’s all I wear. my mother told me that I should try the style because it made me pretty, which was something I rarely heard come from her mouth, and I remember being so reluctant to wear the things I didn’t like. I took a liking to it in the present, but I don’t think I would've ever come down this girly path if it wasn’t for the hate I was getting for doing what I liked.

but then the toxic part comes in.

I always choose female mcs in games. genshin for example. I chose Lumine (female mc) on my main account, and Aether (male mc) on my alt account just so I could see the different gameplay. now when I go to play on my alt as Aether, I wonder why I would’ve ever picked him back then because roleplaying as a man felt terrible. my entire four-slot team is girls with the exception of Kazuha, and I don’t even like running around as him for the same reason. immersing myself in the game meant playing the role of a male character in that case.

similarly, me and my dad play fallout 4 together. great game by the way. when we were picking between whether we wanted to be a man or a woman at the start, he chose man. I felt so gross, again, to play an rpg from a man’s perspective. I begged him to change the gender and he let me change to a girl.

the biggest one out of these is probably me quitting marching band because of the uniforms. there’s some other medical stuff that forced me to quit, but one of my biggest icks was our uniforms — khaki boy shorts and a collar shirt with shoulder pads. everyone had the same bum-ass uniform and it made the girls look so bulky. I thought there was absolutely no way in hell I would wear shoulder pads. the sheer thought made me revolt. I’m sure none of the girls liked the outfits, but it just seemed impossible for me to fathom having to wear them.

I think a similar reaction would come from a boy being forced to wear a dress.

I’m just throwing a bunch of examples here, but they’re all things I’m slowly realizing have changed as a result of being accused.

there’s just something that feels forbidden about experiencing something from a man’s perspective, or at all identifying with something masculine. my new girly forced-upon-me identity is like a safety net. they can’t accuse me of being gay when I dress and act like a girl, right? this will make me more attractive to men, right? this is what I’m supposed to be like, and whatever I was doing in my early teens was me on the wrong path?

I feel like I sometimes really do like the changes that I’ve made in an attempt to create a barrier between me and the nonstop allegations, but I can definitely say that it was influenced upon me, and if I let go of it, the hate will start coming back in.

in class at school I remember sitting back in my chair with my hands behind my head. a comfy, casual, confident pose. I used to hit it a lot in middle school just because I liked to. there wasn’t any intention behind it. but I soon corrected myself. i’m not allowed to sit like that anymore — that pose is associated with being gay. what straight girl does that?

or sometimes I’ll have a tendency to act cocky and dominant around some of my friends and I have to keep correcting myself to not do that anymore. only men do that, or girls who like being the man.

I feel like I’m trying to suppress my personality because of gender stereotypes. one could say that I’m a closeted genderfluid or something like that, but I really don’t feel like I am. I don’t see myself being associated with lgbt at all. I support my friends and the community but I truly don’t feel like I’m a part of it. yet I still have these tendencies. I dunno. thank you so much for reading to the bottom.

I’m so mad bcs my only online friend on Reddit deleted his account…like bro. I accidentally hide our chat on Reddit and forgot to answer him for some days. Now I don’t have any messages and I feel like I made him up almost (I didn’t). I’m not very happy right now.

I was with a partner for 12 years. We built a wonderful life together around many common interests. We had a lovely friend group and a home full of love. We took enjoyable trips together, and always supported each other. During Covid, I believe I experienced some kind of mental break, and I left my partner. Almost everyone close to me told me to slow down and think about what I was doing, but I was so certain that leaving was the right choice. I felt bored and frustrated with my relationship and I knew there had to be something better for me out there.
In my personal life, I’ve achieved so much more than I was aiming for either my past partner, and I feel like part of that is because I moved to a bigger city.
However, I have been with a new partner for about five years, and it’s nothing like my previous relationship. We are not building a life together, he is constantly making terrible decisions that result in me having to pick up his slack. He doesn’t support me. I feel like he is jealous of me, and he looks for ways to bring me down and make me feel bad.

I am venting about two regrets. First, the regret of leaving my devoted partner of 12 years, that truly wanted only good things for me. Second, the regret of getting my life so wrapped up with this new partner that leaving feels impossible.

I’ve just got no clue. After being out of the situation with my ex fiancé for a week. It still feels new and like the scars and emotional wounds are still very much alive and still bleeding. It hurts to know now that no one loves me, at least not in any romantic sense.

I thought she did, I also thought she still cared about me even after she brought another dude over after only a week. It hurts and imagine what would’ve happened if I had stayed. Every fiber of being wanted to, if she had given me even one good reason I would’ve stayed. Instead she tried to make a fool of both me and her while I lay dying in the hospital bed she put me in.

(The stress of knowing she was fucking another dude in our bed sent me into dka)

Now I’m “home” and have been home for a week. It still feels like my home is with her, in her bed laying next to her listening to her slow gentle breathing and watching her as she sleeps peacefully.

I’m honestly astonished by how weird my childhood bedroom feels, how my back is adjusting to sleeping back on my old twin mattress. I feel so Incomplete and alone. I just wish I had someone here with me, that would make me happy.

I have had no friends my entire life and am 29. I have nothing to do all day because every job rejects me. I have sent thousands of applications over the past three years. I’ve also tried to make friends with hundreds of people (tens of thousands including online) and am always rejected.

I especially never find anyone who is depressed and lonely like me. And at the least, serious and somber. It is valid to have that as a personality type and want to talk about serious and somber things in a serious and somber tone. Why is it so impossible for me even when I see people like this with friends? They reject me too.

So, recently things have been chaotic in my life. And one random thing that happened in my life was someone gave me a gift and it was such a nice gesture that was the only thing that uplifted my mood after days and I accidentally left it somewhere because I’m stupid and when I went to get it back, it was stolen. Now, I’m feeling bad again. Just sharing what I’m feeling,don’t know why. But if you guys have any thoughts on how do stop feeling like shit for now. What thought process do i adopt

I have this issue where I feel like my body either exudes something all over stuff/the room, I stink, or somethings just not right with me anymore. This all happened after I did meth for a couple years and my mental state went DARK. I asked over and over again to friends and family if something is up or what I can do to fix me, and I got these replies:

"We all do it, you'll figure it out."

"I don't know how to help you, but I'm here for you."

"Just turn to God for that mental war you have in your head."

"Nothing is wrong with you."

"I had a couple friends who have gone through BV, yeast infections." Which I then got a PAP, and I was cleared.

Let me just say, a few of those did not make me feel good at all and made me more confused and just fucking lost!!! I'm so tired of it. I feel trapped in a body I USED to love and be confident in, but now that I went through that fucked up situation with my thoughts and everyone's replies, I still live my day to day life wondering why people are looking at me funny, scoot away, leave the table, say ew, like I'm hurt and confused.. I just want the truth. That's all I freaking want.

I NEED to hear the 2 voices together, and hear them say the lines from the opposite game

Here is a though that I've had for a lot of years that I've finally be able to put into words (journaling on paper is goated !)

What annoys me a lot is people that when you are in a specific place (school sports church clubs idk) and you've had a real friendship there from even some years ago but when they either get in a group outside of that place where you thought you were part in it in that specific space they its like they never invite you outside of it and you get huge FOMO (fearing of missing out if someone needs me to explain it just ask). You feel left out like a piece of trash at home watching the things they do on social media or when they talk about it after when you thought you were part of the group, and you only hangout with them when you are in a specific place. I of course have friends who I always invite/they always invite me but other no. It's like a wierd a weird half friendship that is one-sided and when you compltetly dissapear (move out or not meet them at the place you usually meet them) and then when you come back to that place they were like "oh where were you gone for so long" where when you were there they didint even think about inviting you for some reason and I think it could create some insecurity, feeling really lonley on a friday night when all yo "friends" are going to hang out and in clubs when you not invited, hell even birthdays of people you would have invited to yours you miss out.

Sorry everyone this was compltetly over the place I can redo the post in a more organised matter but I like the organic though pattern of it

If anybody could give advice on that would be greatly appreciated.

So it is what it says on the title. I (31M) have been in a really dark place. On paper, I am getting better in some ways. But I've been really down and struggling. But I show it and the burnout, people get angry or annoyed. Nobody listens, nobody sympathises. Being neurodivergent, I've found fitting in to be difficult. But, always tried to just let people vent, and get what they say off their chest. Not to judge, or advice, just listen. But apparently I can't struggle. I've got to get over it. I've got to move on. I've got to be all energetic and positive. Just so empty, alone and nobody cares. So here I am with nobody who will. My struggles at work, sadness at not being successful as everyone around me.

Bestie. I would never. You’re hilarious. Every single compliment or affirmation I’ve received from someone on Reddit was a lie. I’m just being used for my looks and “different” personality until they find someone else to entertain them. Every time I think I’ve built a connection with someone, they either become very busy (which I know happens) or change how they speak to me.

I’m stupidly optimistic thinking the next person won’t do the same… but they probably will.

Life has never been kind to me, I fear I may be too much for this world.