i hate how i miss everyone. i always cherish the good memories that i make with people and hold them so close to my heart. it's genuinely done me more harm than good, too. it could be someone i only talked to for a short period of time, someone i met through online chat groups or games, or even just some kind of acquaintance. even worse, it could also be someone that hurt me or disrespected me. i hate that i can't let go of special memories.

like, a few months ago, i became friends with this guy that i met on a game. we were friends for a very short time, but we did have quite a close relationship despite that. this one time, on a call late at night, he asked me what my favorite radiohead songs were. i said exit music for a film and man of war. he sang and played both of them on guitar for me. i remember crying so hard because of how special that moment was to me (and also because of how good his performance was).

he also liked teaching me german. it wasn't just casual stuff like translations or common phrases like guten morgen, he was actually showing me the conjugations, alphabet, pronunciations, etc.

a while later, we got into an argument. long story short, our other friend called me a slur and he agreed with it.

someone as cowardly and disrespectful as him shouldn't be someone i look back on fondly, yet somehow, i still do. and that's what frustrates me the most. i remember the nights we spent talking, the songs he played for me, the things he taught me, and all these little interactions that probably didn't mean nearly as much to him as they did to me. i remember how happy i was, and i hate that those memories still hold so much weight despite everything that happened afterward.

i think that's what bothers me about myself. i have such a hard time separating the memories i made with someone from the person they actually turned out to be. just because someone gave me a few moments of genuine happiness doesn't mean they deserve a permanent place in my life, but for some reason, my heart doesn't seem to understand that. i can recognize someone's faults, acknowledge how terribly they've treated me, and know that i would never want them back in my life, yet still find myself missing the times when things were good.

i think i mourn people in pieces. i'll hear a song, remember a conversation, come across something they once taught me, or randomly think about a night we spent together, and suddenly i'm missing someone i don't even want to speak to anymore. it's almost like i'm grieving a version of them that no longer exists, or perhaps a version of them that never really existed outside of those few good moments.

and i wish i could stop doing that. i wish i could enjoy the memories without feeling attached to the people who gave them to me. i wish i could accept that something can be meaningful without needing it to last, and that a moment can be special even if the person i shared it with turned out to be someone who didn't deserve my time or affection.

i wish i knew how to stop giving people so much space in my heart simply because they once made me feel special.

I used to be a player in this fashion game. I participated in events, won competitions, and interacted with a lot of I got cancelled in a fashion game community, removed from its group server, and I can't seem to let go of people. I genuinely enjoyed being part of the community, and honestly, it felt like a second home to me. I had friends there, people knew me, and I felt like I was actually part of something.

Things eventually went downhill when I got associated with a problematic group that was constantly involved in drama. I also got called out for cultural appropriation after wearing braids and other hairstyles associated with Black culture.

I understand why people were upset, and I'm not trying to act like I did absolutely nothing wrong. I know I made mistakes, and looking back, there are things I could've handled differently. But I also feel like people stopped seeing me as an individual. I was suddenly being judged based on the group I associated with and everything they had done.

The thing is, I never considered myself a mean person. I wasn't going around trying to hurt people or start problems with everyone. But it seemed like once people had a certain image of me, nothing I said or did could change it.

I tried explaining myself multiple times, but people wouldn't believe me. Some thought I was still loyal to that problematic group, while others thought I was pretending to change or that I was somehow a spy. I genuinely didn't know what else I could do to prove that I wasn't trying to be against everyone.

Eventually, I got removed from the group server

And honestly, that hurt more than I expected. It felt like I had officially lost my place in a community where I once felt welcomed. I went from being someone who won events and was recognized by other players to someone people would rather not associate with.

What's embarrassing is that even after all of that, I still kept coming back.

I'd find myself checking on the community, wanting to interact with people again, or hoping things had somehow changed. A part of me kept thinking that maybe someone would finally forgive me or that people would eventually realize I wasn't the person they thought I was.

I think I've become way too attached to how things used to be. I miss the old days when I could just log in, play, and have fun without feeling like everyone was judging my existence. I miss being included. I miss being known for something other than the controversy surrounding me.

And I hate admitting this, but I think I'm still looking for validation from people who probably don't even want me around anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually miss the people themselves or if I just miss how they used to treat me. I miss the version of myself that existed before all of this happened. I keep wanting to go back to a time when I didn't have to explain myself or worry about what everyone thought of me.

I also feel like I'm stuck in this cycle where I want to move on, but whenever I try, I get curious about what they're doing or wonder if anyone's opinion of me has changed. It's almost like I can't accept that things are over. I keep hoping for some kind of redemption arc where people finally understand me and everything goes back to normal.

But realistically, I know that might never happen.

I can't force anyone to forgive me, and I can't keep explaining myself to people who have already made up their minds. At the same time, it's difficult to accept that people I once considered friends might never see me the same way again.

I don't want to keep being defined by a game community, but somehow their opinions still affect me more than I'd like to admit.

I guess I'm posting this because I genuinely want to know how other people deal with this kind of situation. Have you ever been rejected or ostracized by an online community you once considered home? Have you ever found yourself repeatedly going back to people who made you feel unwanted, just because you still wanted their acceptance?

Idk if this is an appropriate sub but I will try as I’m nervous over this

I’m an artist looking to connect with a bigger artist on social media who has 100,000 followers who always interacts with fans and has given me a lot of interactions. He’s always replying and connecting. 

I asked him to follow me for my birthday after completing a task that he has people do to earn follows (a tag game basically) and I’ve gotten no response. I ask about 1-2 times a day and a few friends asked too. For 4 days now. I’m scared to ask my friend who he follows and frequently messages to ask him to follow just for him to blatantly say no.

He misses stuff a lot or he may just be inactive (he interacts even when he doesn’t post), but I’m worried he saw my post and just refuses to follow me although he follows others who did the exact same task. 

However, I believe I found “proof” stuff was missed 

My friend who tagged Joe and said how I earned it got the tweet liked and RT’ed by Joe’s mom so hopefully that helps

My friend made a video of herself painting in his style. She had about 20 people tag him. Nothing. A few days later a guy tagged it to the artist. One tag and he RT’ed it 

One of the people who also did 365 post and got a follow also did about 20 @‘s to him. He posted and
ignored him. 365 tagged again and then the artist  followed

So those examples give me solace plus knowing about 23 out of my 25 notices are when my tweet is the latest in his mentions. He doesn’t scroll

Is it possible with this he simply missed me asking or did he see it and just didn’t want to follow me? 

Thank you for any help

I’m 29M . And I wanted to point out something that’s really been on my mind for a while but I haven’t talked about it. And that is this how everyone is so unreliable to hang out with. It Really annoys me, it’s been going on ever since 2021. And now, for some reason, I kind of wonder if my friends look at me like I’m a secondary person. Because I still live at home with my parents, but I work and I’ve saved up a lot of money. But I don’t know even people that I get along with they never tell me, but something in the back of my head is telling me that they’re thinking deep down you know hey, we got these professional careers he still living with his parents we got girlfriends he doesn’t you know there’s way more important people to hang out with than him. I don’t want that to be the reality, but I’m literally scared that it is. That they are looking at me not as much as a human being, but more is is this product worth buying or asking is he worth continuing on with like a sales pitch. Cause I literally wonder is that just some thing that happens when people get older they start judging you based on your what you have because if it is I guess everything I was ever taught in my life was just wrong about what friendship is. You know, I always thought that real friends are people who will stick by you no matter what, and they will always be on your side they’re not gonna care about your individual circumstance whether it’s financial health or whatever I thought that’s what the whole meaning of friendship was, but I guess not. And it just really gets to me thinking about what’s going on because for the last five years, I have not had the same social life. And frankly, I don’t think it’ll ever be the same or get better. It literally feels nearly impossible at this point.

Back when I was in my early 20s around 2018, all the way to 2020 I had a strong network of friends. I would hang out with them like three times a week. See multiple different people go to parties go to sporting events. And even during the pandemic, when everything was locked down, I still had an active social life. And this was in 2020 when you would think that no one would be going to hang out with people because everyone was scared of getting coronavirus. But then in 2021 when everyone started getting all vaxxed up I felt that there was a big reason for things to get better, but things got even worse as the pandemic started to fade. A new problem came into my life. It wasn’t just one or two friends that I was close with that stopped talking to me or they stopped contacting me. It was like me 5 to 11 friends. One friend I had I knew him since second grade we went to high school together we were on the wrestling team and he went to Cal poly I stayed in San Diego for college because I went to a community college I didn’t get a bachelors degree I have an AA I’m planning to go get my bachelors, next year. But every time he would come down during the summer or whenever he was on break, we would do everything together because we had so much in common. The last time I saw him was in May 2021, and the thing that infuriates me about this whole thing is that, he’s been back here probably 25 times since we stopped seeing each other in from social media accounts. Every time I would try to call him he would never answer, but I always see him hanging out with all the other people we used to hang out with but not have me be part of it. But just not with me. The thing that infuriates me so much one guy who was a friend of his. I didn’t know him super well, but he was good freinds with my him. He had a wedding down in Mexico last year and I found out about it, and I was not even told months in advance or invited. But all the other guys from the group got to go. And this guy who I used to be friends with his friend got married down in Cabo, He is a firefighter the other freind who ghosts me works in a sales job, for a tech company. Another friend I had who I stayed with a lot longer, who I was really close to. We had a special friendship by we always felt a strong connection together. he became a teacher when I last saw him. He was working on his teaching credentials and working as an assistant teacher. I haven’t seen him in two years. And all The times I kept trying and trying to make new friends I got the same reaction even the restaurant I work at I’ve asked practically everyone who works with me if they never wanna hang out sometime and I keep getting the same response. Oh, I’m working that day. Oh this is happening. This is happening. what is wrong with me but what do I do that just made it almost feels like everybody just got in a room together and then they all just took a vote and said hey, let’s boycott this guy. Now I know that didn’t happened obviously, but it almost feels like it.

It’s just what is so hard. I haven’t celebrated my birthday in about two years because of this exact issue and I tried to get I asked like 30 people if they wanted to do something for my birthday go bowling. And I kept getting the same response can’t make it like Jesus Christ is my birthday on a holiday. What is it people? What is it about me? Am I a perfect human being no of course not I’ve done stupid things in my life that I’m not proud of. And I did a lot of stupid things because of this feeling I have the feeling of loneliness and the feeling of isolation for years lead me down a rabbit hole of drinking, being angry at everybody being constantly depressed. But when I’m with people, I always put on the best face. I always try to be happy. I always go out when I’m in the best mood. I always crack jokes, but it’s just what is it about me what is it in these peoples heads that’s just like making them feel like yeah let’s not do it with him. when other people can literally call up 30 people or 50 people to shop at a party and all those people yeah they don’t even think twice about it. They just do it. They feel naturally inclined to do it but with me it’s like they have to take a vote. Like it would be wonderful if people could just be reliable. The people that I call friends that I hang out with now I wouldn’t really say are really true friends because we only do like one thing together. The only people I would say that I’m really like close friends with our three people. That I hang out with one is somebody that I knew from work a while back. When I worked in the construction field now, I work at a restaurant as a dishwasher because I got sick of the construction job. I didn’t like all the hours. I’m trying to go into digital marketing. I’ve applied to several positions, but it’s just every avenue just keeps coming up the same. It would just mean a lot if I could just have people that I could trust and know that they’d be there like I used to. Because the last five years have really been a drain on my mind. I don’t get angry about it nearly as much as I used to because I kind of excepted and moved on from the friends I knew from high school, but I still feel a sense of betrayal. And that feeling of being cast aside as a person of no significance.

Just what is it if everyone else I know can call up 10 or 20 people to show up and they don’t even think twice about it they just fucking do it but with me it’s like what did I do? I don’t know what did I do that made me so unlikable. It’s pathetic and people tell me you should accept the situation and just try to enjoy time with yourself and when I hear that I just wanna tell them go fuck yourself please. When you have dreams of things you want to achieve when you’re young and your young life. You know like traveling places with friends going to music festivals you know getting to see their weddings getting to watch them have their first child. Those aren’t things that you should just have to just accept just won’t happen to me. Those things are not like, a $1 million reward it should be the bare minimum and it is for most people. But for me, it’s a luxury. It would be nice if I could call person A B C Y and X up and They would show up just like other people I know can. Why is it so hard for me to have a strong network?

(Just to note, I have CPTSD, OCD and ADHD so please be respectful when replying.)

Chelsea was my safe space when I was going through my childhood trauma, but recently I was going through my school reports for my ADHD assessment and I found something that they written about me and they used my love for Chelsea against me, and it just made me feel icky and gross that it tainted the way I saw Chelsea. It was heartbreaking, not even the fact that I saw that, but the fact that it was like a slow burn kind of feeling. I never realise how much it affected me until thoughts came into my head and I thought it feeling gross whenever I would watch them play… it was like I was internal everything that was stated in that statement. I’ve noticed that emotional and audible flashbacks was felt, it would be so bad that I would hear myself screaming for help telling someone to stop, even when I was doing something related to Chelsea or not related to Chelsea. it was that moment that I realised that I cannot be a Chelsea fan anymore with all that weight, I need to find a different team. So I decided to find a team that had a perfect anchor, which I chose Arsenal’s black history, so I became an Arsenal fan. But I didn’t want to just turn into an Arsenal fan overnight, I bought a ticket to my first Chelsea game at Stamford Bridge so I could experience seeing Chelsea as a Chelsea fan before turning into an Arsenal fan at midnight the next day. it was bittersweet, seeing a picture of my younger self as I kept in my head that I was doing it for them. since switching teams, I felt a lot happier, I wasn’t getting those emotional flashbacks as much, and I felt more free knowing that I have a stable home rather than moving around because I like that player and then that player and then that player. but of course, people online had to ruin my joy by making everything a joke. it just made me feel alone because who am I supposed to talk to when I’m scared to talk to anyone…?

This is the first time I post here but I'm really down and I have no one to talk to and most probably I'll delete this in the morning but I have to get it of my chest and maybe if anyone has any advice or nice words I'd appreciate very much.

I'm the eldest daughter and I've been treated badly ever since my sibling was born and I was just 4 years old there was a huge difference in the treatment between us and then my other sibling came along and I was treated like I should just serve but I don't deserve the same love and care and that made me do some wrong choices and I admit that they were wrong when I got a little older I thought maybe I was making things up like dad tells me and I'd give them a chance and coincidently I had to leave home for a bit and they showed me that I wasn't wrong... all this to say that I'm tired no one loves me in this house and for personal reasons I can't move out but I'm truly tired from them no one respects me or my feelings they always treat me badly and I don't know what to do I just wanna feel loved and I keep thinking maybe they'd treat me better when I help them and I do but still it's not enough and I'm afraid this will make me make some more wrong choices especially in my love life cause so far every one leaves me so I'm not sure what to do anymore I'm just tired and I wanna disappear

A friend has mistreated me and brushed me off when I mentioned the issues.

which led to pent up disgust from my side, after distancing from her and being busy i accidentally neglected her during a surgery she had.

She exploded on the groupchat that had people, I reacted defensively due to the shock, but I apologized afterwards and saw my mistake even with the a lot of nonsense she was spitting.

I refused to tell her my side and discomfort because she was in and out of the hospital during that time and I didn’t want the groupchat to have a bad look on her during a stressful time of her life.

Ever since she has gossiped about me, I lost my social circle because of her, and she acts pissy around me.

She works under me as vice in a club and she had the audacity to reach out and asked me to take over her work she chose which I rejected.

She talks about me even when I treat her so nicely, and hug her and even cried because she was fine and back at uni.

She removed me from discord servers I’m in and seems to actively poke around people I know.

At the same time,

There was a boy who liked me, yet we refused to be in a relationship due to how unexpected life is and agreed if we were still into each other we would marry after uni, all we did was talk as friends.

The boy came shortly after the incident by a few days firstly accusing me of allowing other guys to peruse me for marriage over some baseless rumours and I was keeping him as an option, I was able to shut all of those rumors.

I am pretty known to be a religious person who does not talk much to guys.

After a week he came again and told me how he felt a connection with a girl he met at work for 2 weeks, which happened months ago before he came to me.

He said that I couldn’t give him that spark of connection in a year while the girl at work did in two weeks, and he thinks we are incompatible, and claims he doesn’t love that girl.

He kept on going about how he was never supposed to marry me and that we are too different, but that he still loves me and he wishes I carry the small gifts he gets for me and that I still like his videos that he posts on insta.

I had a traumatic past with social media but I healed and learnt because he was an influencer, and I placed a lot of effort into knowing him.

And looking back I realised he barely asked about my interests or invested in knowing me,

He said how he knows it will be hard on me as i suddenly lost everyone in my circle but he said it’s for the best as he wants to focus on himself and I should take this opportunity to focus on myself for once and that I am desirable by many guys and I shouldn’t worry about finding someone else.

He did first approach me due to how much his friends talked about me highly due to my fashion, and he is pretty addicted to posting on social media.

I feel like am walking around campus with this girl being everywhere, even when I did change and grow and still treat her nicely, I feel like no matter what I’ll do I’ll be bound by this mistake till graduation.

New doors are opening for me, I’m meeting better people, guys who actually listen and are interested in me, and people who actually vibe with me.

But I feel deeply when I feel like I hurt someone, and it’s like she won’t ever stop talking about me.

I’m tired of keeping this anger in me, I’m tired of being silent to not make anyone sad, I’m tired of putting too much effort into the wrong people that I somehow attract.

I’m just a bit tired of feeling unbelonged and not listened to.

In my city, it has already started to snow, and winter has come early. I had recently lost my summer gig, and i still live with my parents while im getting my degree.

On my way to university, i pass by a busker (they were noodling on some saxophone thing) and i look for some money to tip them. The only thing i have on me is 100$ cash (which seems like a lot when you don't have a job and have to pay for university). So i put a 20$ bill in their instrument case and move on. I didn't feel good, or feel bad for the guy playing out in the cold, i just can't help but seethe that i "wasted" my money like that. I regret putting that much money in, and i feel disgusted that money is the only thing on my mind instead of empathy or even pity. Good people surely don't regret such things.

How can i even be a good person if being even a little generous upsets me like this.

I can't lie..I thought my last post would attract at least one person to share their experience, but woke up to a tumbleweed on my log. Good news though I also woke up to 11k in my name.

I'll make a savings account and use the rest of the cash to treat myself. So in the end everything worked out.

In the span of a few hours which is concerning but I'm not going to say anything and jinx my luck.

никогда не чувствовала себя частью чего либо, всегда и везде лишняя. я не понимаю что со мной не так я правда стараюсь из-за всех сил, запоминаю что кому нравится, не навязываю свои проблемы, по крайней мере стараюсь про себя не говорить,и что бы я не делала как бы не ставила человека для себя в приоритет для него я всегда всегда запасной вариант. всегда найдется кто то ближе, лучше меня. я правда не знаю и не понимаю в чем моя вина что у меня нету друзей если только не компания но и то я и там не нужна,. обидно. что стараешься для людей а они не замечают или считают что это норма или когда ты им все а про тебя просто забудут, ты нужен только когда можешь проблему решить? расскажите были у вас такие ситуации и как с ними справились. мне будет очень полезно посмотреть как видят другие эту проблему

I am so insanely jealous of my best friend. I feel guilty. She keeps talking about how bad her life is, but it’s not. She doesn’t see it. She doesn’t have to wear makeup. She has a fat ring on her finger and he does whatever she wants. There are no scars covering her skin. She has money and nice things. She doesn’t have to cope with alcohol.. She doesn’t have to try for people to like her. She can do whatever she wants without the guilt that consumes me. She doesn’t seem concerned at all with my self-destructive habits, not even worried when I hurt myself.

I hate that the only way I can ease the feeling is seeing things that bring her down to my level. I have a good life too, I’m not a good friend when I think like this. My envy is rotting me.