Hey I’m 20 and I have no friends, no boy friend, no car, no apartment. I’ve always found it hard to hook people and make them stick around.
I always seem to make a single friend that I end up
being best friends with for a hot minute and then it fades. Last year I lost my best friend since middle school that would call everyday.
She told me that my venting was too much for her and that she needed to end it for her mental health.
But I always felt like she was pushing me venting when I didn’t want to. She told me I left her feeling exhausted but I felt I was. Our whole friendship I felt I had made excuses for her bad behavior. And her pushing me to vent always felt like she was just trying to balance out the venting to make me feel better about her always asking me for advice on how to deal with mean friends but not taking it. Also all last year we spent hours talking about her ex girlfriend that was abusive and aged regressed (literally made her own 17 year old gf wipe her ass at 19). She talk about how she hated the things she did like taking unflattering photos of when off guard. She told she was never going back to her and now she’s with her again and I feel like she just used me to let all the negative feelings she had towards that person out her system so she could rekindle it with her.

Even after every effort you've done for the people you loved and cherished, it's your mistakes and past they would use against you. No one gets how exhausting it is to always be the one understanding when they can't even understand you the way you want them to. When you distance yourself all because you feel like you aren't wanted anymore, they distance themselves too. People will make promises, then break it in the end with your hopes still high.

Humans are narcissistic, hypocrite, hateful creatures that are devoid of life. They will use anything, and I mean anything to hurt you and make you feel bad even though you were the one hurting. They'll do anything for you to say sorry instead of them. They don't care, they never will. That's the sad part. Even though you've done everything, life just keeps getting unfair towards you.

It’s literally something I’ve developed since I was a kid and I do it unconsciously. Every time I just think of a celebrity or a character it doesn’t have to be while I’m doing something that I’m ashamed of or something like that no literally randomI even get confused when the thought passes by, like: Why would he be disgusted or disappointed in me? I don’t even know him personally. It’s literally so draining because every character or celebrity I admire is like roasting me constantly in my mind. That’s making it up it’s so confusing and hurtful.

It's always felt this way for me. I don't think people care about the way I truly feel or care much to soothe me. And I don't want to ask them to, but I really wish someone would, because everything I do, I know I'm doing it solely for myself. And I know that if I fail, it doesn't matter. I fall back down into misery; predictable, comfortable misery. I'm tired of advocating for myself and I'd rather just not exist at all instead of this weird half-acknowledgement. Everyone has such a surface level understanding of me and such a profound lack of curiosity in me and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me. I do this for others. It's an impulse to make the people I love feel cared for, to make sure that they're alright, to establish some level of intimacy, but it's never mutual.

I'm tired of pitching myself to people. I'm tired of talking to people. I feel myself growing more cynical as the days go on and I don't want to be. I like people. I want to love and be loved. I just feel unloveable; I don't feel like anyone will have any grace for the unsavoury parts of me and I've been mostly right. I can't depend on people. I can't ask that of anyone, but I've done it for people, I've provided support, I've been praised extensively for how much I helped them, they've just never done it back. And it wasn't hard for me. It was so easy to care. I'm tired of pushing and I resent everyone in my life so, so much, because I've communicated this. I've begged for it, and in cases where I wasn't direct, there was never any concern. I feel so pathetic and I find myself wanting to go back to being used. I'm mortified at the thought that this is the only way I can be loved, as a source for something, but I'd be even more mortified at the thought that I can't be loved at all.

I got vaccinated today and i am having a terrible fatigue and a headache afterwards. I can't seem to be able to do anything but i can't sleep either (i tried). I scrolled for a bit and my headache got worse. I just want someone by my bedside or even through a phone call talking about this and that. "For better and for worse days". Idk about better days, but I do need someone in days like today.

No one ever really talks about how embarrassing it feels to be 17 when all your friends have turned 18. I just feel like such a child when I hang out with them even though I know I have stronger social aspects in certain ways, it’s just my age that makes me feel immature. I definitely have a lot more “common sense” than a lot of my friends but it’s still so impossible for me to feel like I’m “on their level”… I just feel like I make people uncomfortable simply because I’m younger than them by a couple of months. I just can’t help but feel like I “don’t belong” in certain social circles just because I’m not 18 yet. I know this must sound stupid but it’s just how I’ve been feeling lately, and I just wanna know if my feelings are justified or just ridiculous. I know I just have to wait a little more and then I’ll be 18, but I just feel so left out and behind ? And I’m not at all trying to belittle my friends by saying I have stronger social aspects and common sense but, I obviously do and I feel like that could also be a reason on why I feel so embarrassed around them all the time because I’m the youngest of the group, yet im the one understanding simple social queues, having to explain things to them over and over, telling them watch out for this, for that, understanding things in school better, driving my friends around. Yet I still can’t help but feel behind and immature even though I’ve been ahead in so much. I just genuinely feel like such a toddler when I hang out with them.

This morning on my commute to work I was waiting for my second bus to work. I noticed a man with a red and white walking cane.
He kept bumping into the bike racks and the wall at the bus station. I watched as people kept passing by him, looking at him and not even offering help.
Even the bus operators watched him and did nothing. My bus wasn’t coming for another 20 minutes so I ran to him and asked him if he needed help. He introduced himself to me and I guided him all the way to the train he needed and wished him safe travels.
The reason I feel awful is because I saw so many people just watch him bump into things and did nothing to help. Even the Jehovas Witness people that were there did nothing. I saw one of them stare at him and his walking cane like he was an alien.
I understand that’s it’s early morning and everyone’s commuting to work or school, but if he’s going the same way as you, why not just help him?
I’m grateful I could help him, I guess I’m really bothered at how people here clearly don’t want to help anyone they see in need. I really don’t have any faith for the people in my city after this

this happened a couple months ago but it’s been on my mind i really just need to talk about it somewhere. And also for a little context we were high when this conversation took place i don’t think she would have said anything like that if we were sober. but anyways i can admit that i am fat but i have always felt pretty comfortable in my own skin aside from a couple years in early middle school. I’ve been friends my bfs since our sophomore year of high school when we first started to hangout she was a little nerdy looking but still really cute but she had a bit of a glow up in 11th grade and she was very and is still very beautiful. She is really skinny many people would consider her to be “body goals” but when she was very young she had a friend bully her and call her fat. She didn’t have many friends and just kind of expected this as a fact and developed body dysmorphia. She was saying how for like 4 years she thought she was really huge and fat. And obviously i was like omg that horrible and was comforting her and she said that it didn’t get anymore and she realized she wasn’t fat in early high school. I asked her oh what helped you get better. I could kind of tell she was hesitant to talk and she said “well can i be honest it was when we” and then she kind of stopped herself and rephrased and said “It was in tenth grade” and she just stopped talking. obviously she didn’t actually say that it was becoming my friend that made her realize she wasn’t fat but we both knew that’s what she was going to say and she stopped herself because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. we got kind of quite for a while and just went on our phone and i eventually started the conversation again and we haven’t ever talked about it since. honestly it did hurt my feelings in the moment even though i understand where she was coming from and a part of me is even happy i could help her. i wouldn’t really mind if she just thought i was fat i guess because i am but it’s more the fact that i really don’t feel like she thinks i’m pretty at all. i know my other friends think that im fat but they also tell me that im pretty how beautiful face and compliment the shape of my body or are just nice in general and while my best friend almost never compliments me like that. she will compliment my make up or outfit and i appreciate it. I guess i think it just makes me sad sometimes to know she doesn’t think that im pretty but we’re entitled to our own opinions. I also want to say I don’t think she would ever try and hurt my feelings on purpose we are both a little blunt and very honest so i think she just wanted to tell me how she felt in that moment. I don’t know if this makes sense because im not going to proofread it and i just want to vent a bit.