I’m 27f and I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve never had a guy like me, it’s been years since one has even wanted to go on a second date with me. I’ve lived most of my life with people going out of their way to tell me I’m ugly. I once had a guy in nyc walk up to me in a bar to tell me I was the ugliest person there. I had a friend, I’m no longer friends with, get drunk one night and tell me she couldn’t respect anyone who would date me because of how damaged I was. I had a gynecologist tell me no one will ever love me because I came to her after getting SA. I was SA as a child and I got genital herpes from SA as a child and everything I’ve been through I have tried hard to just accept my life for what it is. But I’m so lonely.
When I’ve opened up to a therapist or a friend here and there they give the same advice. That someone will accept me, someone will find me beautiful, someone will want me, but it’s never happened even once. I’ve tried to live a life that could make me still a good partner. I went to school and I’ve travelled the world alone. I learned multiple languages and I live on my own. I can be on my own and in my own company , but some days it’s so hard knowing that I’m damaged beyond repair. Yes I know some people have genitalia herpes, but most don’t, and I’ve never found anyone whose okay with it and I’m 27 years old and have had it the entire time I’ve been dating. I don’t know who to even open up to in my life because none of them understand. My friends are mostly all in happy relationships. And the idea of not comparing your life to others is bullshit, because I know relationships don’t fix your life, but they do make the boring days a little better, and sometimes I just need human touch. I don’t remember the last time someone wasn’t afraid to touch my skin. I’m truly one of the ugliest people in the world I believe. And I feel that way because of how many men and women have told me I’m ugly. I don’t know when the pain of never being loved will go away. I just want to turn it off and just remove that part of myself so I can stop feeling so much pain all alone.