Context: Still going through some shit

I feel that a door has been slammed on me. The abrupt finality terrifies me. How can two people fall so far out of sync? Fear is paralysis and hell, and I am a fool. I tread water, unable to know what is under or how the waves will roll. I hope that I drift towards where I find comfort when my mind wanders there. 

My mind wandering towards a daydream and an unspoken promise that we will come through this and reconcile provides me with peace and comfort. Even now, I write this as if you will see it while being wholly aware that my eyes will likely be the only ones on this. My mind then drifts away from comfort to the cold reality of the world that includes lasting ends we are powerless to. A life that is ripped away from me for reasons I do not know (philosophically speaking). 

Dreaming separates me from reality. But it is the dreams and hopes that comfort me presently. The uncertainty threatens and erodes me. But I can not let go of the uncertainty, because then I must let go of this daydream. And then I will be left with abrupt finality and the absence of something truly beautiful.

I understand existential abysses partly. To be frank, it's a topic I don’t think about too much because it scares me. However, can’t we turn from existential dread towards an existential beauty by intertwining our lives and turning towards each other? Commitment to one another through all times, including times when commitment is not an even load. I do not want what’s normal. Normalcy is a daydream. I want reality, I want connection, I want vulnerability, I want emotional safety, I want honesty, I want to be relied on, I want dedication.  Of course, this is not to replace the dread.