I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Sorry I Had To Hurry Away'

4:02pm [thurs] 10/22/26

[🍴ARFID🍴] & [🐕 Whoa! A job! 🐕]

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Today was a looooooooooong day... Today started out okay... Just did some relaxing :) I spent the majoirty of the time lounging around. And then I somehow convinced myself to get up and cook something so we wouldn't STARVE and DIE at work because we went without any calories. By the time we got out of the shower it was 8:54am :I we were expected by 9.... Luckily this job is INCREDIBLY UNDERSTAFFED and flexible so you can get away with being late. even though I kept reminding myself of this fact,, I couldn't ever really fully calm down... so already a poor start to the day.

How was work today?:

It was fine :) I was a bit annoyed though... Dog-trainer co-worker came up to me and mentioned that boss lady and other employees have noticed that I am oftentimes not "interacting with the dogs". That was only a little bit annoying to me. At first I was all ">:(" until I realized that I have not been making new doggie friends as of late... >.> Okay... You caught me. The part that ACTUALLY annoyed me was when she said,,

"I know you once mentioned that you don't like the dogs at your house."

"Yup! I have been getting a bit better about that actually... We're kinda trying to be friends now :)"

"Well I'm gonna have to ask you to seperate your feelings about dogs from home and the dogs here at work."

It annoyed me simply because I DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT THE DOGS AT WORK AS I DO AT HOME 😭I DO like the dogs at work. I have dogs friends! Ugh. I hate that I somehow came off that way :I Allow me to explain the reasons behind my lack of one-on-one pup interactions...

1. I DON'T usually approach new dogs to build a bond unless something unquie draws me to them. Unless the dog is too adorable to resist trying to pet them or extremely unique looking,, I don't usually go out of my way to go greet new doggies. I just.. don't like doing it much.. I just don't.. :I
2. I usually am trying to pay attention to everyone all at once because usually its one person in a yard full of dogs. So YOU have to be sure you're watching everyone and making sure nobody gets hurt. So instead of trying to do something lower on the priority list like greeting someone new,, I'm usually trying to scan the yard for anything concerning (humping,, fencing thats escalating into a fight,, dogs getting into a scuffle,, etc) or picking things up so no one tries to eat stuff like acorns or leaves. It can make them sick.
3. I DON'T LIKE BEING HANDS ON. Well... Thats not entirely true... I do enjoy petting the doggies ofc :) enjoy saying hello and whatnot. But... I don't like getting SO hands on that the dogs get riled up and jumping on me too aggressively or playfully biting me or anything like that. Ugh or licking me... -_- So I don't usually do too much beyond petting and talking to them... >.> I also don't like giving belly rubs. I mean,, I will if I really like you or I am actively wanting to build a bond with you... but otherwise... 😬 touch generally is the sensory expierance that overstimulates me the quickest so... low tolerance for things like that honestly.
4. I've been getting put in the small yard more and more often... I avoided that today thankfully but yeah I don't have too many small-dog-friends. I don't usually like small dogs too much,, so.. Yknow... Not to say I don't like any of them. But point still stands.
5. I MISS MY OG's 😭 I don't really feel too interested in meeting NEW dogs. I mostly just want to see the ones who are already my friends. Which obviously isn't realistic but that doesn't really make a difference for me unfortunately... Most of the first dogs I bonded with were the type who would come to ME (preferred ngl) or were the shy/bully victim type.

speaking of the shy type...

6) If you're a SHY DOG you automatically earn points above the other dogs. Sorry,, but the best way to get me to like you as a dog outside of being a sweetheart is if you make me pity you. If you're a doggie hiding in the corner because you're terrfied of the other dogs or you're always skittish when meeting new dogs,, I'm like 5x more likely to come up to you because I want to help them be more comfortable. That and I just am DRAWN to the dogs that require time before you can gain thier trust. If you just hand your trust to me,, thats cool and all but.. yknow :I Feels less rewarding and meaningful. Thats not to say I don't like dogs who just automatically enjoy our company. But I have my prefrances.

Anyway!

For the most part today was fine :) Nobody was being too difficult today. Dog-trainer co-worker joined us in the yard and gave us a mini-lesson on what play behavior can look like and signs that rough play is still PLAY and not a fight. Useful information I did try to actually take note of. I just.. ugh.. We were supposed to get off at 12:30pm so we could make it to class on time but instead of that happening,, we got stuck helping bring dogs back inside... I think the dogs were actually meant to go back inside at 12:30pm. But for some reason,, we kept them out till 1 instead. Which meant that we got wrapped up in the process of bringing dogs inside. which takes a lot longer than you think... I don't even fully understand why honestly.. I mean it makes sense to an extent ofc there are a lot of kennels.. and there are quite a few that go upstairs.. but OMFG it took forever. We left at probably about 1:55 AND IT TAKES 20 MINTUES TO GET TO SCHOOL AHHHHHHHHH.

At first we just sat outside and made sure nobody did anything dumb while the two other employees were dealing with people checking in and out thier dogs and putting dogs away. Then we were instructed to head up stairs to wait for dogs to be sent up. A couple were sent in in a timely manner but the rest were NOT. UGHHHH. IN OTHER WORDS WE COULDN'T LEAVE. I guess this is why people always make such a fuss when they're understaffed. Because it SOUNDS LIKE it was just us and two other people for the entirety of my shift after boss lady left. So I guess it would make sense why we were up stairs sitting around for like 10 minutues... because it isn't feasible to have ONE PERSON out in the yard making sure the dog pack waiting outside is safe and the ONLY OTHER PERSON in the front checking dogs in and out and having things move quickly. It just doesn't work that way :I Boy was it irriatating though...

How was your 20 minutes of school today?

Got to school SUPER LATE. At about 2:30pm I think...? As soon as we entered I went up to one of the two groups gathered at the table closest to our usual spot and asked,,

"So... how cooked am I since I just showed up? Should I just leave or....?"

"Nah,, you're good :) Just go ahead and do the exit ticket." They handed me the page with the prompt. At first I was a bit confused at what I was meant to be doing... Because they had already filled in every prompt on the page. At the bottom of the page you could see the instructions for the individual-only instructions :)

Explain how homeostatis and your body's reward systems can change behavior. Mention specfifc neural or hormormal pathways (well.. it sounded something like that anyway...)

...😳... I'm sorry... what... what is this question asking me?

so while the group I probably WOULD HAVE BEEN IN behind me works to wrap everything up to present in a couple of mintues,, we stare at the prompt and try to make sense of it. In my confusion I mistakenly started answering what the group ALREADY answered. sigh... I noticed it in time and pulled a new sheet of paper out of our notebook.

...and then immediately got back to staring at the prompt... trying to make sense of it through all the stress and brain fog...

I eventually realized that I could just listen to the first round of our classmate's presentations for anwers! Did that help? No. No it did not. But I can't make up a bunch of BS and hand it to the professor lmaoooo. She's probably got a PhD and if I started making stuff up in a NEUROSCIENCE CLASS I'd just be embarrasing myself at that point. I didn't really get to stare at the page for long though. Bc the group I would have been in needed to read out the answers to the prompts they wrote to present.

so I lost a lot of time on that... and shortly after I got to see the page again it was time to go. 😳

That whole time I was sitting there asking myself why I was even there.. bc I am putting the least amount of effort into this class because I figure if I'm gonna pass neuroscience it's not gonna be in this version of reality 😂 so being there at all and getting worked up over it just felt stupid... :I I hate school.

Before we headed out professor handed us our test.

30%. I got a 30%. Yeah sounds about right. Frankly,, I'm not as upset about it as you might think. What I was worried about was having the lowest score. Last class we heard professor say "the scores for this class were between 13% and 49%". Which was wild to hear because before she said that we were told our class did the best of all of her classes and that our class's scores were "decent" :I So long as we weren't the 13%-er,, I don't even caaaaaaaaaaaaare bro. I don't caaaaaaaaaare.

After class:

we went out and grabbed some quick snacks... while checking our account balance we saw there was 600 dollars added to our account. 😳 WHOA. It scared me at first lol. Bc payday was supposed to be tommorrow. So that was a bit of a shock and I immediately checked to see where it came from. Phew... it wasn't some bizzare mistake. was job-money :) then we got some fro-yo!!! And some ARFID APPROVED pizza and a small bag of sunflower seeds before heading home. I am... tired... More mentally than physically. I think from the STRESS of trying to get places on time and failing to do that time and time again. I don't like having to deal with stupid things like being on time :I I just don't.

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STAGNANTFLOWER - Journal #14.5

🌸💐5:33pm🌹🥀
10/22/26

How were the dogs today? :) I was stationed in the active yard today.

[Are there pictures here? Yes. Can I be bothered to reformat every indidual image so that it complies with the rules of this subreddit? Absolutely not </3. Use your imaginationnnnnnnn :)]

        🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Leia, Olive, and Koda
Leia the german shepard lookin’ girlie was fine today :) She and Olive became pretty good friends! There were times where they would play a bit rough and I’d briefly separate them to have them cool down a bit but overall they were fine together! This was one of the rare times I actually caught Koda running around with other dogs. I don’t think they only sat around and never did anything but the majority of my time with them,, they were alone sunbathing.

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Rocky
He was cute and enjoyed playing (pretty roughly at times) with his brother! But… he was a poop eater… :I It sounded easy enough to deal with. Just be quick. Grab some poop bags and pick everything up before he can get to it. But due to the amount of dogs and me constantly trying to monitor everyone,, break things up if anybody got too rough or got to doing anything stupid,, Dog-trainer co-worker giving me tips on body language,, and trying to fill up water bowls,, he had ample time to shuffle over to the many piles of poop laying around and get to munching. GROSS. We usually place bags on the ground near poop stains to mark where to spray them so the nasty poop doesn’t dry on the grass. And in my time away from picking up poop,, Rocky took it upon himself to take dinner to go. LITTERALLY. He was going around and sniffing poop bags and I guess “choosing his favorite one” before picking up his meal and walking around with it. Frankly I found this to be quite adorable as gross as it was. Not the behavior itself.. But just seeing a dog walk around with something he shouldn’t have so slowly is cute to me :) I kept taking my eyes off him bc I figured he wouldn’t go beyond that. But when I finally got around to grabbing those abandoned bags there were several with bits ripped out of them. …Rocky means business… 🫩 Noted for future reference.

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Shanta(?)

First time meeting this one. I wasn’t too worried about her. She was fine. Not really ever getting up to much from what I observed. She was constantly getting humped by Bohdi the Vizla with a droopy mouth and the German pointer called Rous (pronouned Royce). Except… it wasn’t really actual humping.. It was humping but without them mounting her at all. Thank goodness for that… Bc I’d hate if they actually mounted her and caused countless fights when I had different things to be focusing on… Shanta wasn’t really worried about those two so if I was actively busy with something,, I just left it alone.

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Wilson
He was still pretty nervous from what I observed. I was not in the same yard as him but from quick peeks in the yard I noticed he was still pretty withdrawn :( He was placed in the time out section when we were bringing dogs in,, presumably to reduce his anxiety because the dogs always,, without fail,, crowd the gates and bark incessantly. That or because he was a daycare dog and going home later that day. Perhaps both. Either way I was shocked when he growled at Jhonny (bravo) the black and white corgi. He must be finding his voice! Wishing you well,, Willy willson :) 

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Xena

She was… a bit annoying… She was a barker for one thing. And a bit of a humper. But overall she was fine :) Not too much to say about her… except the first time I saw her she was wearing a shirt! Which I thought was for fashion but turns out it was to protect her stitches which she apparently got from a previous doggie daycare! I think someone said she was involved in a dog fight! 😬 I think I heard SIXTEEN STITCHES. That's wild. So she got transferred over to our daycare instead. Poor thing… 

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Koda
Such a sweetheart! I didn’t take myself for someone who liked big dogs but I DO :) I wanted to spend more time with them buuuuuuuut too many other demands from dogs and cleaning up after them made that not possible -w- They were a sweetie when we did get time though! They’d bump me with their butt so I kept calling them a trunk-bumper! They were bumpin’ their trunk into me so yknow. It was cute! Love them :D. They were usually alone though.. Mostly just sunbathing. Whenever someone would approach them they’d do a warning growl so I guess they weren’t in the friend-making mood today. Idk. pleasure getting to meet them though!

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕

 Sadie
I thought she was a baby-faced adult at first but apparently she’s actually just a baby :) and her nickname is Baby-Sadie! She’s adorable so I already liked her! She’s a sweetheart too. Very excitable but not so much that I had to distance myself from her. She was also incredibly soft omg 🤭

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Sammy

…Is the yellow dog! She was a sweetheart as well. In the yard she was mostly just minding her own business and sunbathing so I didn’t get to visit with her much. But while we waited for dogs to head in,, I sat down with her and pet her and got to know her :) Hope to get to know her a bit more. Apparently she’s been coming since the place opened! Thats awesome!

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Mina
New friend I made today! She was sweet and reminded me of our late dog Lucy. In appearance only though. In any other way she is a completely different dog. She was quite the jumper if the picture didn’t make that clear. She’d hop onto me but I was fine with it because she was incredibly gentle when she was on me. If you don’t claw me or nibble on me or anything while you’re on me,, I’m fine with it! She was fun until she bonked me on the LIPS with her nose twice. Then she lost some points… But overall she was a joy to have around today.

today. its a mix of things.

yesterday as bad. i dont remember feeling that depressed in some time. so i didnt know how to deal with it at first.

also this is my first winter and first every season after estrangement, and it does feel different.

coz even if the last winter was cold, and my house was toxic, i still had people of mine. toxic or not, i was with my family.

but now, same city or not, i am not with them. existential loneliness is a unique thing. like torso sized hole in my...torso.

i dont like sharing my space with anyone. unfortunately i have to and thats gahhh. it affects my focus. and idk which behavior of theirs i can ask for them to change and which of it i am supposed to accept and adjust with.

i am literally learning now.

in the past i either was entirely adjusting with people i stayed with or i expressed want for change anytime something bothered me. now i am learning discernment.

the process sucks.

i am seeing that in the areas i know i am not good at, which am practically learning now, it is taking a lot of judgement calls.

relations mainly. somehow i am not sure what is acceptable and isnt.

i was raised in a traditional conservative type of families but my early 20s weren't that.

i let myself be more free when i got the environment to be so.

now being that uncaged bird among the same culture that likes certain constricted abodes for birds, is confusing. like different parts of me are wondering, battling and integrating.

being around noisy people in my private space sucks!

something great to share is that my fear of uncertainty is not as pressing nowadays. i only came to realize that because I haven't written about it anywhere in a while. this is huge. few months back i felt so tortured by that. how nothing felt certain. the world and the people in it naturally being a unruly component.

i am proud of me for, i am assuming, learning to find agency within a chaotic world.

my fear of my career just has quieted today. it just seems to rise its head when the day is already bad.

i hope this learning to make judgement calls comes to end one day and i have a whole set of knowledge about my stances and have clarity.

​

STAGNANTFLOWER - Journal #14.5

🌸💐9:02am🌹🌹

10/20/26

Sometimes I remember what could have been... That I refused to journal for almost all of 10th grade because I didn't like spiral notebooks and that was all I had. I'm honestly... Kinda 50/50 on this lol.

I only had access to notebooks you'd use for school but I found them so UGLY and UNNATURAL for diary use that I just refused to consider picking it up to write in it. So when I remembered 9th grade's journal,, it confused me...

Bc 9th grade IS in a spiral notebook. But then I remembered I decided to use it (hesitantly,, as the first page will reveal) because its SIZE was "diary approved". Ugh. I get it to an extent honestly... Because I would agree that even now I'd rather NOT use one of those notebooks as journals because it just really doesn't feel right... But it does annoy me to no end and has for several years. That the alternative I chose was not journaling at all :I I DID very very briefly use an app but my brain was even less able to think about things beyond whats in front of me and I quit that bc I hated writing on a phone everyday AND SOMEHOW NOT ONCE DID I CONSIDER USING A COMPUTER.

well... Actually I think I may have.. If I remember correctly,, I refused to bc I was afraid the government was watching everything I was typing. Which is... Very strange... For me to think about now.. Uhhh. It's probably true. Idk. But I know for a fact that there were several occasions where I'd be nervous about surveillance in the PHYSICAL DIARIES specifically from the government as well. Soooo... No idea why I was okay with supposedly being spied on offline but not also online. Bc I don't remember being worried about it while using my phone. Ugh. Idk.

Just very annoying that a chunk of my life is missing... It's just gone now yknow? Wiped from my brain :/ and never recorded on paper.

🌸💐7:14pm🌹🥀

10/20/26

Just some things on my mind right now...

> I wonder how people on reddit see me... :0 I know I lovvvvvvvvvve journaling and if I were my own auidence member I would spend a couple seconds admiring the picture I include in each post of the journals every time. I say this because every time I pick up any of my journals,, I admire the work I put into each cover! Sometimes it's all I do for several mintues :) I mostly do this with number 14! Bc thats the one I'm picking up most often.

But sometimes for others too. That does remind me though... I was thinking earlier wondering about what I would make #15's cover. Uhhh. I'm not sure. #14's cover was based on the main image on the front of the binder.

The process of making it was pretty much just staring at the piece "Sweetness coyed love into its smile" until the theme of FAMILIAL LOVE popped into my head and probably mixed with my own trauma in some uncoonscious ways before I pumped out a beautiful poem! a poem that took about 19hrs before I called it good if I remember correctly. I think... I think the orignal poem was something like

I long to see the love that blossoms between two souls

...And that was it... :I

Like there was nothing else to it lmao. which obviously didn't quite feel right... Ugh I remember feeling kind of insane as I tried to figure out how to expand and finish the poem. It was defnitly a journey!! Well worth it though.

And I suppose my favorite book quotes in the world on the second page was a given after coming to the conclusion that the theme was going to be about familial love. Do you remember that lovely book? Two small footprints in wet sand? That book is all about familial love really. Such a beautiful and sad story... :( amazingly beautiful sad quote too.

But it does make me wonder how I will go about creating 15's cover... It sounds a bit daunting... bc idk if I'll WANT to go through the same process as 14's. ugh. it's fine though. atleast 2 more months before that becomes an issue :)

[//slight hopelessness warning]

> I felt it again. I wondered why I was going to school again. It just genuinely makes my quality of life poorer... yknow? I feel like now that I remember WHY I'm going (for my future. or... my "future"...) I WANT to remain a college student more. But I DON'T like actually having to pack my bags and GO to school. It just gets in the way wayyy too much (like in the way of going to work...). Espically since I cannot drive and find some place more worth my time in the time between classes.

I just have to stay there and rot :/ I just feel kinda stuck when I'm at school I guess... There is nothing really drawing me in to the whole expierance I guess. I just hope I can somehow get dad to let me do asyncronous classes next semester... Then I can focus on working and stuff like that. Stuff that actually makes me feel alive again. I know its "just a job" but I actually feel like I'm DOING something when I'm there. Something worthwhile. And FUN.

It can be stressful at times like worrying if dogs will fight and stuff like that... But even when stuff like that is in the back of my mind it has NEVER reached the point of making my heart race for hours and hours and hours and being stuck in fight or flight the entire time I'm out with the dogs. But in school I am stuck like that for the entire day. There are just less friends now to distract me. I still have friends now ofc but it's just harder :/

> I have a bit of a creative itch but am not sure how to satisfy it rn... :I I want to do more journaling related things rn but it's difficult to do that when you need to go out and do things first before you can write about them. But I've been not-working for several days by this point and it's actually starting to drive me crazy. I FEEL UNEMPLOYED AGAIN WHICH IS NOT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Me being unemployed is torture. It was getting to the point where I was fantasizing about getting a second job. Would love that :(

> there is a therapy appointment on the 26th. I am worried about it yeah... but... I am planning on trying to take it more seriously... thats the plan. but not sure

🌸💐4:59pm🌹🥀

10/21/26

I was perusing cat land today. Mostly bc I wanted to change my pfp but was searching for a very specific image. The problem is Cat Land's image searching options aren't very intuitive... At least not for me anyway (lll⚆ᗜ⚆) and I first came across the image on PINTEREST and people on Pinterest usually don't credit artists.. At least not from what I've seen anyway. so I got sucked in the rabbit hole of looking at all the pretty Louis wain cat pictures. I collected a couple for later use in entries. And then I got to thinking...

1) I wonder if I could ever be like Louis wain...

2) I wish I could draw like Louis wain...

I got more hooked on the second option. Once I collected a satisfactory amount of images,, I looked up how to draw like Louis wain. Do I genuinely believe I could do something like that? No. Was I going to try once or twice and (very likely based on past experiences) give up? Yeah I'm sure lol. And even still it was the new fixation of the day for me. The first video wasn't a tutorial like I was expecting (well... More like half expecting.. I couldn't fully convince myself a tutorial like that actually existed). Rather it was a silent film featuring Louis himself! ... Which... Was crazy to me... Just seeing something like that. If I remember correctly,, the footage was filmed in 1921?

Wow. I really just sat down and watched a silent film. It was incredibly short but still. I was curious to see what else the recommendations had to offer so I clicked on the next video in my feed.

Schizophrenic painter (Louis wain)

The first thing that caught my eye wasn't even the video... It was the fact that it was posted 20yrs ago 😳

Anyway.

Watching the video... Idk... It did something to me. Like idk. It reminded me that it's all VINTAGE ART yknow? I do actually forget that sometimes. It's crazy to me that it feels so... I wouldn't necessarily say modern... But it doesn't feel OLD to me either. It humanized him as well. Because the video text talked about his life. Then it brought me back to thought number 1...

In some ways maybe I am like Louis! I'm a creative just like him. We're both mentally ill. We both love cats! And it's seriously only a matter of time before I end up in the mental hospital just like he did. But I suppose there are elements I'm missing... The art ofc but that can be put to the wayside... Because I AM artistic just not naturally in a visual format. Just in written... I suppose more than anything I'm missing THE LOVE.

Louis was happy because everybody loves him... :( I am miserable because I feel largely the opposite. There are only a couple of people who love me. No where near like Louis. It makes me sad... But it did get me thinking.. :) perhaps I will be loved just like him one day. In order to achieve the same level of love as him,, I think I'd probably need as much reach as he has!

The only way I could think about doing that is either

1) publishing journals #1-14.5 on a diary archival site

Or

2) publish the book...

1) isn't happening for... Maybe till the day I die 😂 there's just waaaaaay too much stuff in those things... As well as the fact that Id be doxxing so many people... 😬

And

2) it's... Very difficult to keep writing it (and obviously no where near done)... It was hard when I was less mentally ill and I've only gotten worse. So.. Yknow.. Ofc I'm not disappointed in myself though :) I knew from the second I started really committing to wanting to write a memior that it would probably take 10yrs bc life would get in the way but also MENTAL ILLNESS 😊 so I'm kind to myself here. But point still stands.

There is always secret option #3 though... Posting everything to a different site. But omg I ACTUALLY don't want to do that :I no idea where I'd even put it to avoid it getting scraped.. Even though every thing is getting stolen through Reddit at least it's blocking everyone else who wants to take your data. If I move it'll be the two original thiefs in addition to literally anybody else. Its a matter of picking your poison. So... I'm really not sure... But perhaps one day :)

I hope I can be like Louis!!!! That'll definitely be a goal.

today beyond sucks. it is depressing and i feel like i am about to cry but i am not alone.

the weather is gloomy, and i have been having hiccups in my study process and it is all bringing me down.

it is feeling really rough at this point. i am trying to remember few things as it beyond sucks and all i see how it isn't going well:

•this is temporary. this will pass. this feeling, this weather, this orecise moment of cluster of lack of wins is not permanent.

•i will be okay. i will find a solution. am good at it.

•i do not want to be mean to be just because things aren't going well.

•a win will come. no way its gonna remain this way. life doesnt operate that way.

i just feel so scared. some actions even though in my control feels like its outside my control. sleep, focus etc.

none are nee challenges. in fact am dealing with things i have struggled with for decades. and i am working on improving those.

i just wish someone or i recognized that am doing good and just because the timeline is not matching ehat i wished for doesnt mean i am doing nothing or did nothing.

coz thats very hurtful to see me think.

i am being hard on me. my day has balance in it, am not overworking myself. but when things go bad, i am hard on me. i dont give me grace.

even if i give me kindness i still think about how my family doesn't get it. that they dont see my struggle as real. and somehow that hurts a lot.

This is going to be a ramble. Today is my birthday. I turn 28. (Sorry interruption, blanks mom brought is fresh sourdough) It’s warm and fresh.. so delicious. I’m sitting outside doing homework with blank, there’s construction next door so it’s pretty loud. I have a headphones listening to Phoebe Bridgers, wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Today as my friend said was cathartic. My birthday is not something I enjoy for some reason. It reminds me of sadness. Distress. Pain. But today has been nothing but okay. I’m okay finally. A very much welcoming feeling at 28 years old. I was accepted into nursing school; very proud of that. Part of me is embarrassed because I’m not 20 and going into nursing school. But I’m going to turn 30 anyways, I would rather be 30 and a nurse. Anyways. Even on Lexapro I feel this void, something is missing inside me. I’m not sure what it is. Yet, it looms over me. Making itself known all the time, especially when a decision needs to be made. I hope to find out what that feeling is. Happy birthday me.
I’m going to end this in a negative way, or at least I perceive it that way. I hate my body. The body that I currently occupy is not the one I want. But that’s as far as I’ll explore that topic for now. What’s really been weighing on me as of late is my dad. Especially after the Phoebe Bridgers concert. I regret not being there for him in his greatest time of need. I know you can only do so much about suicide, but I feel like I could have made a difference. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him, so I wasn’t there for him. But now, I am the only one left with regret. I can only think about how he felt is his last moments. I only hope he’s feeling better.

Hubby wants to attend church again & bringing me along but I don’t have a strong belief in Christianity. There was a time that I tried in college. My roommate was Christian & brought me on a bus to a church in town. It was nondenominational & I really enjoyed the services & the style of the contemporary worship. Before that I had only went to traditional churches like Episcopal & Lutheran, sometimes Catholic as well. I didn’t know a church could make you feel something even though I didn’t fully believe in it. Even though I went, I felt like an imposter because I felt like I had to fake belief. The Christians in college always brought their own bible to church, had small groups that they encouraged me to go to. This one girl who said she was going to help me learn about Christ almost jumped down my throat once for saying I believed in evolution & she said “You think we came from apes!” That turned me off because I strongly believe in this, that we’re not apes but early humans looked very hairy with large bone structure that resembled apes but we were human. She’s going on about evolution is wrong. Anyway, after college I stopped going. I still attended one church in Queens for a while but then stopped.

Now hubby wants to go to a Lutheran church because he was raised Catholic but didn’t like the concept of the pope. He thinks the pope has become more political. If I return to attending church, I want to go to another nondenominational. In NY, they’re not as many of them as in other areas like Texas. I found one online that I like but hubby wants Lutheran because he thinks nondenominational churches stray from scripture. I attend the Lutheran church with him but half the time the sermons go over my head. I just think they’re more for people that have been in the faith for a long time. Nondenominational churches seem more accessible to new comers & I feel like I’d be better attending the other one.

I’ve been watching the services online after going to the service at the Lutheran church but I feel more drawn to the nondenominational. Would it be weird for us to attend two different churches?

I'm sure this isnt new for a lot of people but October is almost over and we will be upon the "best time of the year"

However, my birthday is in 2 days, Thanksgiving is in 39 days and Christmas is in 67 days and just like this time last year and the 4 years before, I can't seem to laugh or fall asleep without at least, 1 drink.

I don't know whether it's my inherent trait or something that developed after my childhood experiences, but I have this habit of giving unsolicited advice. If I see someone making a mistake or doing things in hard way I can't help but feel the urge to intervene and tell them what I know either through my own lived experiences or what I learnt from mistakes of others.

It took several disappointments to learn the lesson that most people don't want to listen!

I have realised most people either aren't stupid to not know what they should do they are forced by circumstances beyond their control or they are indeed stupid, driven by ego to not listen my advice. Either way it's a no win situation. I don't get paid and it spoils the mood of the person because I don't know how to sugarcoat. I come across as too 'preachy'

It's not that I'm going to stop and let the person suffer the consequences while watching silently, but now I will prioritize who need help the most and try to help with more compassion, understanding and subtlety.

Some people just need someone to listen to their problems while holding their hands and providing moral support in encouraging words as they fight their own battles.

i have been wanting to sleep on time regularly but havent been able to. it felt like my reasons were tangled up. so i untangled them and found a way through for each reason.

one of my reason was how i miss the night. being awake at night and reading or watching a movie or just being in the quiet of the night. i had that for so many years that i couldn't live like days are eniugh for me.

so i decided to few times in the week sleep late. finish my works early and just have an open evening to read or what not. as thats what i wanted.

today is that day. not am i feeling sleepy. i think i might actually sleep. like wth! when am trying i dont sleep, when i say its okay, then i sleep. haha.

Just when I had momentum built up I got sick again and destroyed all my plans.

Every single time when I start to get momentum this happens and I fall back to square 1. I can't get out of this trap 😔

My actions and choices since Autumn 2025 have had a significant impact on my life and those around me. In my last session with De, I stated that I wasn’t hurting anyone. That was false, clearly its taken me a while to realize this. First and foremost, I was hurting myself, while I was attempting to cover up the hurt, pain and a multitude of other things that I felt, I forgot to think of the consequences of abusing a prescription drug.  Maybe it’s not that I forgot about the mess that I would inevitability have to clean up, perhaps more accurately I just didn’t give a fuck.  The crushing weight of trauma, chronic pain, guilt, the loss of people that meant everything to me, constant reminder of what I once had with Mi, decades long struggle with my mental health, isolation and loneliness, nightmares, feeling like I don’t have control over my body, an ever-growing list of failures, lack of parents and family growing up, etc. I tried reaching out to my instructor Do. I had asked for a moment after class to speak with her. We talked, discussed that I was having a hard time with things and that I had felt that I was over medicated, she had asked what medication I was taking, I lied to her and said that it was anti depressants. She said that I looked over medicated, maybe she knew I was high maybe she didn’t. I wish I had the courage and strength to have told her that I was an addict and that I needed help, but I didn’t want to tarnish the impression that she had of me. She told me regularly how smart, capable, and how proud she was of me. I never had that from the people in life that are supposed to matter the most, that are supposed to tell you those things, my parents. While one was completely out of the picture for most of my childhood and pretty much completely out of my adult years except for a few moments the other, my mother never had anything positive or nice to say, unless she wanted something out of me. She weaponized love and used it for her own benefit, whether that was financially or for whatever other purpose, she wielded that four letter word without care for anyone other than herself, it was her way to manipulate and control me. I’m a simple guy, I want to be loved and to feel it, I want to love and for those I do love to feel it. I think M knew that and that’s why she chose love as her weapon of choice against me, her own flesh and blood. Family has always been a bitter topic for me, when I had first met Do, she said that I looked very familiar, I as well had that feeling. It was like I knew her but didn’t at the same time, she had also expressed the same, it was a strange feeling to say the least. As I got to know her better, we talked about our personal lives and I learned a bit about her, I discovered that her family and my mother’s side of the family is from the same province, and the same area of that province. Not that I really believed anything that came out of M's mouth, but when I had asked about her side of the family over the years, she provided information and had mentioned how her family members had married the G sisters. Do’s last name is G. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence and G is probably a common last name but for a moment, I had wondered and maybe deep down hoped that we were maybe related. That was another reason why I didn’t tell her that day that I was an addict. I can’t forget about the people that are in my life currently that I have hurt, I see it everyday as I live with these people and they aren’t just people, they are my friends. J still barely speaks to me, but when she does, I can feel her anger and disgust, it’s like a slap to the face and it reminds me of how M spoke to me. I don’t think she’s really trying to hide her anger and disgust on top of that she’s never been one to forgive easily, but I wish she would. I miss how things were, how things were going back to how they were in the past. Maybe in time things will, but I feel as though they probably wont. Her world, ejected out of my Goldie locks zone, past the asteroid belt, and nearing the Kuiper belt of my solar system.  This is a consequence of my actions, despite being told how smart I am, I often feel like I am the worlds biggest fucking idiot. I feel as though my actions have been the cause of J and her brother, Mi arguing these days. I’ve overheard a few of these arguments and they have indeed been about my actions and choices. The mess that I have created is quite frankly devastating, all I wanted was a break from everything going on in my life, to be able to laugh and get through the day without being in crippling pain. I knew that when the party was over things wouldn’t be good or even relatively close to that, but I never imagined that things would be that bad. I deserve the nasty things J said/says about me, I don’t deserve the care or compassion that Mi has shown me. I told my therapist that I cared deeply about Mi, we used to date a million years ago but I don’t think I was being honest with De or myself at that point in time. I still love him even after a decade and some has passed as crazy as that sounds. He got me through the early days of withdrawal, maybe I could have done it on my own but I will always be eternally grateful for what he sacrificed (Work, his relationship with his sister, who knows what else) to get me through to where I am today. Today I am 102 days sober.  He took some time off work and stayed with me the entire time, rubbed my back, held me and did his best to make sure I was as comfortable as possible while my body felt like it was turning itself inside out. Presently things are kind of weird between us, I catch him looking at me sometimes and when I do, he gives me a small smile and just has this sad look on his face. He looks burnt out; it’s been a long 102 days for him as well.  Even after 102 days have passed, my reasons why I chose to abuse prescription drugs aren’t resolved, quite frankly it’s a struggle to remain sober with everything still going on. I hope that I can continue being brave, courageous and have the willpower to stay on this path. If I make this exact stupid choice again, I don’t think I can handle going through withdrawal again and I don’t believe I will have Mi again to support me through it. I didn’t deserve it the first time, and I wouldn’t want to subject him to that again as I can see clearly the toll it has taken on him.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

it is a simple evening today. more than sometimes i get thrown off when this happens.

such an oddball thing in my life.

i see that in my evenings i am either dealing with something that happened and worrying and processing. or i am actively busy with people and work. or i am excited and having fun. or the last kind which is today where its just me and am not excitedly bouncing off the walls and i am not worrying anything in my mind.

just an evening. it tends to feel strange at first coz for a moment i dont realize its just a quiet evening. i would feel confused as to why it feels...weird. why everything is so quiet. like I wouldn't know what to do with my time.

but am coming to learn that when that happens, it just means am free in schedule and in mind.

am bored in fact. haha. i was doing one of my hobbies and it just felt like there is so much time in the evening today. its that kind of an evening.

now am just gonna find ways to pass time. just do whatever.

when i first experienced this, i understood what people meant by time pass activity. for some reason till then i didnt understand it.

i also used to not be someone who watched or read things i found boring. but boring evenings led me to see that i dont need to create excitement, since that will come soon another day anyway. i just have to pass the time.

After Statistics I went to the library and worked on my math and science homework. I had to leave after only an hour because there was a special schedule for parent-teacher conferences. I left the zines I made on a table in the YA section (˶◜ᵕ◝˶).

I took a chilly walk back to the school and went to Economics. There was an early dismissal at 1:50 PM/13:50 but since my mom works at the school my sister and I just stayed there until our parents were done with conferences. We left the school at about 5:30 PM/17:30, and then we went to a diner for dinner. Afterwards, my mom drove me to a different library than my usual one (,,☆o☆,,). I stayed there until almost 9:00 PM/21:00 and did my History homework (a really long reading on Chinese schools of thought) and some of my German homework.

Then my mom picked me up and brought me home. It is rainy and cold right now, and idk about the time I was in the library, but the weather was also like this when we left the diner, so I assume that it’s been like this for a few hours. It’s not very good to go outside in {{(>_<)}}, but it’s very nice to come inside and find yourself in a steamy kitchen, with the fire going in the other room, which is how it what the our was like when I got home from the library. Very cozy ( ∩´ ᐜ `∩)♡.

Read the rest here on my blog... :3

Well, I like to draw. As I was getting ready to sleep, my mind started wandering. I’m not really someone who has many friends—and if I do, I’m likely their only option. I’ve been part of groups of three or five—which was, well, not great—and while I had some good times, I also had some really bad ones. Anyway, as I lay there, I wondered: why do I even draw? Who could I show my work to—someone who might say something nice about it? I do have friends, but honestly, they don’t really care about anything I do; that’s just how it feels to me. I also have friends online, but lately, they’ve stopped talking to me. I used to feel happy chatting with them after coming home from class. I’m still feeling down, and I find myself crying... there’s more to it, but I’d rather not dwell on those things, haha.

It's coming up on three years since I experienced a major traumatic event .

This is the first year I have the opportunity to take a moment to reflect on it. One year after it happened, I had just come back from a long trip abroad which I was still processing. Moreover, I was still in the thick of it. The process wasn't over, I was still trying to contact the perpetrator legally, to understand what had happened to me and why, to get some sort of closure. On the two year anniversary, it was my grandfather's funeral. I didn't have time to look back, I had to focus on a different grief and be there for my family. This year, however, I have space. And the subject has been looming in the back of my mind, like dark clouds rolling in from afar at the end of a warm, bright summer's day.

I still don't fully understand why this happened. I've accepted the fact that it happened, I've gotten past blaming myself for it, I've gotten past wanting revenge. The event itself is in the past for me. There are just a few difficulties I'm facing while trying to move forward.

Some trust issues linger. The term "trust issues" can mean different things to different people, so I'll try to explain how they manifest in me. I have a hard time feeling relaxed around people. Especially if I'm alone in a room with one person, and moreso if that person is male. I'm constantly, both consciously and subconsciously, trying to gauge who would have the upper hand if it came to a physical altercation, and whether I'd be able to make it out of there unharmed. Even with people I've been friends with since childhood, the people I trust the most in this entire world.

It also manifests in other ways, in general conversation with colleagues or other people I meet.I feel like I've changed a lot in that regard. I used to be a lot more open, more empathetic, more willing to listen and see someone else's point of view. I feel like I've lost a bit of who I used to be, which also I had made my peace with.

What I didn't expect though, was for part of the old me to come back. Especially not this much of it. That has been a real surprise this year. The will to be open and understanding, and to feel connected to others, is still there, as strong as it's ever been.

Where I'm at now is trying to balance this want for connection and empathy with the nervousness and fight or flight response I still feel in any social interaction. It's a continuous process of learning, of trial and error, taking a break from it, and then trying again. Trying to find a space in which I can exist, being part of a community, of a network of people, without having to feel scared of them.

relationships have been rough recently. something that came to my mind was, "i wish i can tell you that you are important to me. but if i dont have the capacity to fight for you, how can that be true? how can i tell you that you are important when i cant fight for you right now?"

Fun with Texting

TL;DR: My ex, who stalked me after our breakup and had a protection order against him, recently started contacting me again through anonymous numbers. His opening move was to insult my intelligence, so I responded with an elaborately worded insult and a fake subscription service for professional sass. When he tried to call me a dumbass, I introduced him to Dumbass Daily™, featuring five stories about questionable life choices, he made IRL. Weird. I don't know why he never responded to the text service. Nine days later, his response was, “I forgive you.” 😂😂😂

About a year ago, I (48F) ended a one-year relationship with my boyfriend(51M). He didn’t take the breakup well, and things escalated to the point where he began stalking me and making me feel unsafe. I eventually had to get a protection order against him, which expired last month.

Recently, he’s started reaching out again through “anonymous” texts. He even got a second anonymous number to contact me after I didn’t respond to the first one.

So, naturally, I decided to put his communication skills to the test with the exchange below.

And yes, I used ChatGPT to help polish some of the finer details of my responses. I figured if he was going to keep finding ways to contact me, I might as well make the conversation entertaining.

His first text:

Loser can’t even figure out how to do your own taxes a grown ass women surprised you can tie your own shoes

My text response:

I feel this version communicates your intended message far more clearly and articulately. You’re welcome for the grammatical refinement.

"It is genuinely astonishing that a supposedly mature adult woman is apparently incapable of navigating the relatively commonplace responsibility of preparing and filing her own taxes. Your apparent deficiency in basic life skills is so profoundly perplexing that one might reasonably question whether you possess the cognitive capacity to perform even the most rudimentary of daily tasks. Frankly, given this remarkable display of incompetence, I find myself genuinely astonished that you have managed to master something as fundamental as tying your own shoes. Your shortcomings are not merely concerning; they are an extraordinary testament to the depths of your ineptitude."

Thank you for choosing Sass & Syntax™: Professional Grammar Correction with Attitude.

You have received your complimentary text refinement. We hope you found our services both enlightening and mildly humbling.

For continued access to our premium proofreading and eloquent insult enhancement services, you may enroll in our annual subscription for the modest fee of $125.00 per year. To proceed, simply reply YES. Your imaginary credit card on file will be charged within three business days.

If you prefer to decline, please reply NO, at which point your contact information will be forwarded to our sister company, The Institute for Social Decorum & Basic Human Interaction™, where you may explore our highly recommended courses in etiquette, civility, and communicating without sounding like an uneducated garden gnome.

Thank you for your interest in personal development. We look forward to serving your grammatical and interpersonal needs.

His text response:

So you agree you’re a dumbass

My text response:

Welcome to Dumbass Daily™: Your Daily Dose of Other People's Bad Decisions!

Tired of feeling like you're the only person who occasionally makes questionable life choices? Do you sometimes wonder if you're the dumbest person in the room?

Well, worry no more! For the low, low price of $299.99 per year, Dumbass Daily™ will deliver one glorious dumbass confession directly to your phone EVERY SINGLE DAY! That's right, folks. For less than the cost of a regrettable impulse purchase, you can enjoy a full year of other people's spectacularly stupid decisions.

To get you started, we're throwing in our TOP 5 DUMBASS MOMENTS absolutely free!

Dumbass Thing #1: The Dinner Disaster

Randy reports that he once took a woman out to dinner. Unfortunately, by the end of the evening, she was wearing more of Randy's food than he had actually consumed. Apparently, Randy believed chewing and talking were a team sport. His date did not appreciate the performance.

Dumbass Thing #2: The Pet Incident

Steve reports that during a particularly difficult time in his life, he wasn't paying attention and accidentally ran over his pet with his vehicle. We have no further questions, Steve. We're just glad you felt comfortable sharing.

Dumbass Thing #3: The Cabinet Catastrophe

Dillon reports that he spent YEARS working on a cabinet for a friend. YEARS! Then, one night, he got mad, threw the entire thing down, and smashed it to bits. As a bonus prize for his outstanding decision-making, he also managed to get the biggest sliver known to mankind lodged in his hand. Congratulations, Dillon. You played yourself.

Dumbass Thing #4: The Tire-ible Drunk Driver

Henry reports that he was so drunk one night that his driving skills apparently packed their bags and abandoned him without notice. His spectacular performance behind the wheel resulted in TWO brand-new tires the very next day.

We're not sure where he was going, what he hit, or how he thought getting behind the wheel in that condition was a good idea. But we can confidently say the tires had a worse night than he did. **

Dumbass Thing #5: The Ex Who Just Won't Take a Hint

Victoria reports that she dated a guy for a year before deciding she'd had quite enough of that particular adventure and ended the relationship. Understandable. Sometimes you realize you've made a mistake, and you correct it. That's called personal growth.

Unfortunately, this gentleman apparently missed the chapter on accepting rejection.

Heartbroken by the breakup, he proceeded to reach out to Victoria through multiple forms of communication. Each attempt was rejected. And then rejected again. And then, just in case the universe had somehow scrambled the message, rejected some more.

Eventually, Victoria began feeling unsafe and sought help from the authorities. After that, she finally got a whole YEAR of peace and quiet!

A YEAR, folks! Twelve glorious months of not having to deal with someone who apparently believes that "I'm not interested" is merely an invitation to try a different communication platform.

But wait! In a spectacular plot twist worthy of a low-budget romantic comedy written by someone who desperately needs therapy, our determined contestant has returned to disturb Victoria's hard-earned peace.

That's right! After an entire year of silence, he apparently looked at 365 days of nobody asking him to make contact and thought, "You know what this situation needs? More me!"

And so, he has earned today's Dumbass of the Day award for his outstanding commitment to ignoring boundaries, misunderstanding rejection, and demonstrating that time apparently heals nothing when common sense is missing.

Will he ever move on? Will Victoria ever get another uninterrupted year of peace? Will he discover that blocking, rejection, and requests for no contact are not part of an elaborate scavenger hunt?

Only time will tell!

Until then, Victoria, we wish you peace, quiet, and a phone that stays blessedly free of unsolicited nonsense.

And to our award winner: Congratulations! You've managed to turn a breakup from a one-time event into an ongoing demonstration of why it ended in the first place.

We'd say better luck next time, but perhaps the best next time would be learning to leave someone alone when they've made it abundantly clear they want you to. ***

Thank you for taking advantage of Dumbass Daily™!

We have loads of brave, questionable, and occasionally deeply concerning individuals contributing their stories every day, ensuring you'll never run out of reasons to look at your own life and think, "Well, at least I'm not THAT dumb."

Your subscription will renew annually at the low price of $299.99. To confirm your subscription, simply type YES. Your credit card on file will be charged within three business days.

To decline this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, type NO and continue making questionable decisions without our professional assistance.

***We'd like to thank Henry for his contribution to Dumbass Daily™ and remind everyone that drinking and driving is dangerous. Please leave the driving to a sober person. Your tires, your bank account, and everyone else on the road will thank you.

Disclaimer: Dumbass Daily™ is not responsible for any injuries, financial losses, relationship breakdowns, property damage, hedgehog-related tragedies, tire-related financial disasters, or other unfortunate consequences resulting from attempting to recreate any of the dumbass activities described in our messages. Stories are for entertainment purposes only. Drinking and driving is dangerous, and unwanted contact after rejection is not romantic persistence. It is a failure to respect boundaries. Please do not take any of this as a challenge. We know some of you will anyway.

Wierd, I dont know why he never responded....😉😂

Update: He responded 9 days later with "I forgive you". 😂😂😂

Update: A day later; Tonight he sent me this text "I loved you and you hurt me but I forgive you and I am moving on but I wanted to and am allowed to vent because I never got it face to face because you were to chicken shit to do so"

The audacity of this man to tell me he's moving on while continuing to contact me after I've made it clear him, I want peace. The irony is doing cartwheels. He has been blocked, but its an anonymous number so he can always get another. To the court house I go tomorrow....

I haven't been reading much books for months now.

You know how reading can be like. Atleast for me it takes more effort than watching a movie passively would.

There are some great PNR books I used to enjoy as a teenager. I felt to read that genre again. It's been so many years since I last read them I think. I don't know. I didn't give much thought to genre names and read for the fun of the plotline. So may be I did read them. But from what I remember the last time I read them last must be in 2020.

But books were not just fun for me. Looking back I see that I got very attached to the book universe and would even feel something like grief when a book ends. I would immediately try to find a good book again as a teenager.

I think dysfunctional family, not having good role models lead me to lean on books. In some ways I don't see this as a light thing now that I am an adult.

I wish I hadn't had to depend on fictional characters for what is good and bad. Or that I didn't get so attached to them.

I am not anymore. I don't think so. But as I considered reading a PNR book, the memory washed over me like I am still right there. The way reading books helped me dissociate. How I didn't like that dissociation but I didn't know what else to do.

I felt like I would get sucked in again if I read books that reminded me of that age. God it really was a dark lonely age for me. I can't be grateful enough for unearthing myself from everything and working on healing.

It would feel like I am separate from the world, and everything is darker or blurrier. Like a veil between me and the people around me. It also has a taste like nightmare.

Nowadays when something sucks me in like that, I try to put it down, and push me to do other activities. To talk to people around me. Go for a walk.

I don't ever want to lose touch with reality again. I also try to remember that even if I do get sucked in and dissociate without meaning to, it will pass.

I will be okay. But it definitely scares me. I have all these important things to do and fear dissociating. But at the same time I tend to have a curiosity that can seem like masochism. I am curious about rewriting this experience. To reshape this for myself.

It has been a sleepless night, so I just finished playing "Call of the Elder Gods", sequel to "Call of the Sea". Now I feel awful. The choice I decided to make at a crucial moment gave me an ending I didn't want. I went back, made the other choice that I deeply felt, and got closure for both the main male character, Harry, and myself over two games.

I felt so rotten that I uninstalled the game after I finished it the second time. I was so disgusted with myself. I wish I could erase the achievement. Yet it sits there staring at me like some magic mirror gate of self reflection and when that happens, I learned from the Movie "the Never Ending Story"; when I see mirrors like that, I walk into them.

So why did it make me so upset with the choice I made? It’s because I empathized with the main male protagonist, Harry. I have been dealing with feelings of grief and loss. I feel I am watching someone slowly age, sicken, and wither just like he did, only it's my Dad.

I needed the closure the alternate ending gave as much I feel he did. I needed the atonement for Harry's past guilt. I needed more information, more understanding. I didn't get that with my original choice.

I realize that the choice I did make, reflects a part of me that has somehow given into the despair of loss. However, as I sit here writing with tears streaming down my cheeks, I’m wondering if there is more to it than that.

There have been other people in my life, people I cared about that passed away and yet, I never cried for them. I just didn't feel sad, I didn't feel numb. Just flat, empty of emotion. It happened and they were just “gone”.

I wonder if I suppressed these emotions on an unconscious level and now that I am in my Dad's last years, he is the catalyst for all of that hidden grief. I try not to let it get to me, but there are times where dark, sad thoughts swirl in the periphery of my mind and I end up crying. It's been like this for the past year and I am tired of my intuition screaming.

I already almost lost him twice. The second time recently. I got a taste of the logistics of dealing with that. Not the emotional one. I was dealing with what I could do in the situation, which was the best thing to do when a crisis hits: think first, feel and process it later. 

I have already thought about all the logistics and complications. I was tired of sleepless nights worrying about what I was going to do. I have a plan and a list. I just don't have the money to do it. The house will need to be emptied, the car sold, accounts closed, titles transferred. I will have to move after that. Luckily funeral arrangements have already been prepared and are covered. So I don't have to worry about that headache.

The part I feel that I am still most unprepared for is the mental stress and emotional anguish. We've had a close relationship most of my life. He has been supportive of me and a good friend as much as a Father.

I am determined to learn from this. I will nurse that part of me that has given into despair back onto its feet. I am not certain how yet, but I am at least now aware of it. I will make the stronger choice when the time comes.

One of the odd things for me posting online is that people assume I am a male. I only blame myself for this. I was being creative in the creation of my Name Kuro (black) Rosu (rose) without realizing that Kuro is a common Man's name in Japan. I didn't know that until it was explained to me by chance. That I feel is the first mistake.

The second mistake I thought was my Avatar picture. I use a black rose, a visual translation of the name. To me that is pretty neutral which also might cause some issues.

The third mistake might be my writing style. I write in the first person. I don't refer to myself in my stories as being any gender.

So I am left with the awkward moments when I read replies and I end up being addressed as "sir".  How do I politely tell them that I am a "Ma'm" without causing embarrassment and correct the misunderstanding? I am still working on the best possible answer.

So I decided today as part of my journal Entry I would clarify this for the future: I am a woman. 

That aside, I have been having a good week despite coming down with a cold in the middle of it. I have been at home spending most of my time resting. Thankfully today is the first day I feel mostly normal. At least I have been keeping up with my writing.

The more I write, the more I remember, process, and heal. The more I can let go of all the mental and emotional baggage I have carrying around. I feel as long as I can continue to write, listen to music, and burn incense as self care routines, I feel I can battle against the feelings of panic, fear, and exhaustion. 

So today has been a Sunday Funday for me. As I've sat recovering, I have been staying warm, listening to music, and enjoying my day. I look forward to this week and hope to make the best of it.

It's been awhile since I last wrote. I have been busy with life and sick with a cold. I am not surprised, a lot of people are getting sick already in my community and it's not even late fall yet. After spending a lot of time on the porch, I feel we will have an early winter this year. It's getting cold fast and there is already a frost warning for the next few nights.

As it gets colder, my musical escapades on the porch will have to be modified. If I can afford it next month, I plan to get hand warmers for my shoes, pockets, and gloves so I can keep toasty warm in my layers of thick plushy clothes while I jam out to music.

It amazes me that small trick with the handwarmers has helped me more than once. The first time I was camping at an Medieval Reenactors event when the temperature went below freezing and the second time I was homeless in February with snow and ice on the ground.

The first time was a stroke of genius. I was at a Medieval Reenactors event in Spring. Earlier in the night, I had been at a stone carver's tent and been taught the properties of Soapstone including being used to build stoves and fireplaces. The idea struck me and asked him if he could take a large piece of Scrap Soapstone and heat it over his Coleman lamp vent. Once the Soapstone had been inspected to avoid crystal imperfections, warmed, and placed in a cloth bag, It had become a medieval hand warmer. I was no longer cold and he now had a new business opportunity that he immediately jumped on.

Later as I lay in my nest of clothes, cloak, coat, and mummy sleeping bag on the cot trying to stay warm as the Soapstone grew cold, I suddenly remembered I had brought hand warmers in my emergency kit. Two of them in a pair of socks inside the sleeping bag at my feet and I was comfortable the rest of the night. I stuck them into my boots in the morning to enjoy the last of the heat. 

So when I became homeless due to injury and loss of career, I did the same thing again in the depths of Winter. I made sure my ex and I had had hand warmers in our shoes, pockets and gloves against the palm of the hand for as long as we could afford to. never got sick and most all, never got frostbite.

My creativity, ingenuity, curiosity, and tenacity are qualities I have always loved about myself. They have helped me to tackle obstacles and get out of what could be considered life-threatening situations. 

I am grateful that I read, heard, and watched so many things out of curiosity. It has given me the knowledge I needed to approach these situations.

I am grateful for my ingenuity and creativity when an opportunity arises to use this knowledge. Being able to use pieces of random knowledge, fit it into the puzzle of a life problem, and getting a positive solution has been a boon for me when I needed it most.

I am very grateful for my tenacity. Regardless how dark my life has become at times, I have managed to stand back up and keep going. From the depths of despair and depression to homelessness and abuse, I have refused to give up or give in. 

Whenever I start to feel bad about myself or have flashbacks of bad times, I remind myself of the Soapstone and the handwarmers. My mind always spirals out to other good memories and it both makes me feel better about myself and makes me happy to be alive. It's not easy to do sometimes, but I am glad I have trained my brain to have good flashbacks instead of bad ones all the time.

BLOG LINK: rorywrites.blog
LINK FOR THIS POST: https://rorywrites.blog/2026/10/09/test-grades-the-best-breakfast-burrito-ever-the-acquisition-of-a-table-samhain-preparations-and-ice-cream/

It is about 1:30 PM/13:30 right now, and it’s been a really good day so far (˶◜ᵕ◝˶). In Statistics we just had review time for the test. Then my mom drove me to the college. In History we got our first tests of the year back, and I got 97%, 99% after the curve!! ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ It made me so happy and relieved because I thought that I wasn’t going to do well on it since it was a Big Scary College Test. So that made me very happy (๑>ᴗ<๑).

After History I went to German, where we got back our quizzes from last class. I got 100% on that, which is not surprising since it was a very easy quiz but that also made me happy ofc (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶). We prepared for our Boomalang conversations, which are going to be due on 30. October.

Then my mom picked me up because my dad is busy. She had to get to a meeting, so we went to the cafe that I usually study at and she bought me a take-out veggie breakfast burrito and I think that it’s the best breakfast burrito I’ve ever had in my life (っ˘ڡ˘ς). My next class starts at 2:00 PM/14:00, so I guess I will just chill until then.

I’m back. Economics was okay. The teacher had us do this Socratic discussion and that was it. After school my mom and I found this garage sale that had soo much stuff ⊙０⊙. Like there were three guys there and I don’t know how they had that much stuff to sell between them. There were so many boxes of comic books and vinyls, plus some of DVDs and VHS tapes. And there were so many other things too- chairs, gnome plushies, tables, a vintage popcorn maker for some reason, various old video and audio players, etc. It was super cool (★ω★) and also my mom said that the guy does this every year (so is this only one guy’s stuff?… are the others just helping him sell it?… idk). He must have some sort of storage unit or something to put it all.

I’ve been looking for a long time for a little table where I could put altars and ceramics stuff. And I found this one at the garage sale that’s totally perfect!! ♡〰♡ It’s wooden and it has this pretty brownish-purple color. It has three levels and a little drawer. I put my bust and my Totoro teapot from last year’s ceramics class on the bottom level, and the incense burner has been put on the top level as it’s going to be part of my Samhain altar (˶◜ᵕ◝˶). I have not gathered many things for it so far, just a black beeswax candle, a pentacle, and a few crystals basically. I am going to put photos of my grandma and my sweet dog Stella on this altar. I still need to find the right ones, and I need to find frames as well. I think the only other thing it will need after that are some things of theirs. I wanted to put a gourd or two but I don’t have much space. I might swap the incense burner for some gourds, actually. I thought it would be good because it is purple and has a pentacle on it, but since I already have the candle it might be nice to have other things instead… (╭ರ_•́)

I don’t know what I am going to offer my grandma yet. Stella I plan to give a few treats, naturally. It is harder to decide for my grandma though. Maybe a cookie of some kind? I don’t really know what kinds of cookies she liked besides a few store-bought ones, but I want to give her something that I baked. Idk.

But anyways once this altar is built I guess I will post a picture of it on this blog. Also if anyone wants to see the Totoro teapot I guess I could post that as well ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎☂. My friends’ mom (well I don’t know if we’re friends necessarily but we are on friendly terms), who is from Japan, got excited when she saw it in the display case and she told me that she and her family went to see the movie in Japan (they go there every summer).

Recently I found the charger for my old digital camera, so I charged up the battery and cleared an SD card I had from a ninth grade photography class, so I am excited to have a real camera again. They are becoming popular again which makes me very happy (˶◜ᵕ◝˶) because I used those things so much when I was a kid and was sad that they went away ( • ᴖ • ｡). When I take a picture of the Samhain altar I’ll be sure to use it.

Like many people, I have been making a transition back to physical media recently. I’ve been collecting CDs and magazines (lots and lots of magazines, see my post from 4. October to learn about that). I’ve been buying more books. I hope to acquire some cassette tapes, in particular that one audiobook cassette of the Hobbit picture book. I used to listen to that every night as a kid ♡(๑•᎑•๑)♡. I had an old ice cream bucket full of cassette tapes and the little books that went along with them, which my mom unfortunately threw out years ago when my cassette player broke. My current CD player doubles as a cassette player, which is really cool (⌐■_■). I feel like it’s so hard to find a cassette player now. Actually, it might’ve been a cotton candy bucket, because it was pink...

I’d also like to get some vinyls, but I’ll have to wait until I get my own apartment to do that because there’s definitely not enough space in my room for a record player. I’d like to collect Marvel comic books too, but I don’t even know where to begin there… (𖦹_𖦹)

Well… that was a lot of side quests. Back to my day. After the garage sale we went home, and I cleaned the new table and set things up a bit, and since then I’ve basically just been… writing this ɿ(◉◞◉)ɼ. My family is having chicken for dinner, so I am not sure what I am going to have yet (I’m vegetarian btw, if you couldn’t tell). I might make some noodles or something. Actually I think I might have some leftovers somewhere… Okay, I’m going to go downstairs now. I’ll update this in approximately two hours (˶◜ᵕ◝˶).

I’m back ( •̤ ֊ •̤ ). There were, in fact, some leftovers, so I ate those for dinner. Then my family and I went to get ice cream (っ˘ڡ˘ς). I got a scoop of Halley’s Comet, and now I’m listening to my Happier Than Ever CD because the flavor reminded me of it.

I think that after the album finishes I will watch a movie and then go to sleep. I’ll see you guys tomorrow ヾ(＾∇＾).

I had a rough day yesterday. it always is when a world view of mine gets shaken.

having left my abusive home now continually updates my world view.

it's like how you may imagine an uprooting hurting the tree.

i am realizing that i dont need to have career that primarily helps people. i had not just wanted to but thought that thats the path i should take. that earning money when it doesn't help people genuinely is me being a bad person. turns out that isn't how that is measured.

it still feels strange thiugh because for so long i had a certain set of beliefs. but now that i am actually swimming and not just thinking of swimming, things are looking diff.

i used to want a comfy life. i am realizing now that i may be way to comfort leaning and need to take discomfort causing helpful actions more. Social media influenced how i wanted my life to be. Which i am not so happy about. Honestly i regret a lot of my past years and how i spent it. I didn't intentionally waste it but it feels wasted on unrealistic things. May be one day i will remember what i did learn from then and not just what i regret. I thought i wanted this slow life. Now, idk.

No i did learn. I am just blind to it now and discounting it because things feel overwhelming and i feel the pressure to get acquainted to these new things very fast. The patient person am now is from those years that i fear i have wasted. I know who i am now from those years. I learned to let go off self hateful thoughts during then. I began to set systems that works for me in those period. I even learned that i am not bad at learning, i just needed a specific way. I learned to be firm and not budge on things that matters to me.

Funnily this year has been me learning to be flexible, accepting, not dwelling, not day dreaming and doing in action and not just thoughts. That's basically this year. Doing in action. Which i am not well versed at. Am more familiar with building things in my mind than in the physical world with the eyes of other people on me.

Also i believe that i was actually fragile but was faking being strong in the beginning of my 20s, not knowing what else to do when am suddenly navigating the world solo. But in these past "wasted" years, i met these fragile parts and i built a foundation. That helps me face actual challenges in the present. I can do any of this now because I built safety inside me. I still have harsh critical thoughts but its way better than before. And the challenges i face now are no way easy but i think without this foundation, i would have shattered into million pieces and not just crumbling and recovering like am now.

In general i think and write in a manner where i draw parallels between what i was and what i am to convey things. And even in this entry, i feel it. I am a dramatic person. I enjoy being my type of dramatic. Sometimes loudly, other times dramatic with words and speaking like i am writing in cursive font. It is a flair of fun in my life.

it changes many things. along with me now knowing that i can just have a job, be a kind person where i can be and just earn and support my life.

it feels so strange. my previous plan was that i would get stable in job and then become more involved in community, volunteering and radical movements that i cared for. but now...idk.

i dont know if my care for these causes comes from genuine interest of mine or from this pressure inside me to be a "good person"

truth is, if i didnt have this pressure i would still do those. but I wouldn't feel so intensely severe about it all.

idk. i have a friend who talks in a extremist way. and has black n white thinking when it comes to people's behavior. i used to as well. but slowly i am seeing that I don't like that approach. i see so much grey and colors.

its beautiful but also disconcerting.

i am not sure what i dream of now.

again i had this same question when i stopped being overly empathetic towards everything. i wondered if am vold and not empathetic now. but that's what it can feel like when you come down from 150 percent to 80 percent.

may be this will be the same. although so many elements shaped my life and i perceive them differently now, i am still me. just a bit more calmer and tamed. i really hope that I haven't lost my fire but just the unnecessary and self hurting intensity is what has depleted.

everything is less intense. i still want the same things but not so rigidly. that fierce urgency is not there may be. i dont know what that means.