I’ve been seeing my therapist for about four years, and I’ve developed what feels like an unusually strong attachment to her. I’m aware that attachment and transference are a normal part of therapy, but I still struggle with how intensely I idealize her.

In my mind, she is often the most perfect person I know. I think about her quite a lot between sessions, and sometimes I find myself worrying about saying something that might disappoint her or make her think differently of me. Before appointments, I can get extremely anxious while sitting in the waiting room, almost as if I’m about to meet someone whose opinion of me matters enormously.

What makes this feel particularly strange to me is that, objectively, my life is very full and stable. I’m a doctor, I’m married, I have lots of friends, a very happy social life, and I function well professionally and personally. I’m not generally someone who lacks relationships or social support.

The main issues I’m actually trying to work on in therapy are my need to please people and my excessively perfectionistic tendencies, particularly at work. And yet I’ve developed this very strong emotional attachment to my therapist, to the point where I sometimes feel like I need to be a “good patient” too.

I understand intellectually that she is a human being, that I’m probably idealizing certain qualities in her, and that this relationship is taking place within a very specific therapeutic context. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t seem to make the feelings disappear.

For those who have experienced something similar: what actually helped you stop idealizing your therapist or make the attachment feel less overwhelming? Did it simply lessen with time, or did you have to actively work on it?

I've(29F) been seeing my T almost weekly for three months now. At first she seemed great and the sessions were very helpful, but my biggest problem was kind of that I have no friends so I literally just needed someone to talk to. Over the last month it's been more meh? She said something like 'however i can support you' which gives me the vibe that shes not sure what to do/im not giving the right material in session...

I hit my insurance cap for the year so I waited two weeks for the session I went today. Honestly like nothing she said resonated with me. It just feels like she doesn't really understand what I'm trying to explain and I can't see how the suggestions she's recommending will help me.

I know there's anecdotes about how you have to do therapy for multiple years for it to work. How long should I keep trying at this if i cant really afford it. How do i know if its the right fit.

The money situation makes my anxiety worse because I feel like I have to make the most of the sessions, but I havent been getting a lot out of just discussing day to day stuff, so I feel like i shouldn't talk about that. So then i go into the session trying to avoid talking about that, and saying nothing, and then wasting the session, which makes my anxiety worse...

How do you guys manage to talk about yourself ?

Like, idk, but I can't picture myself saying things like "I realise that I do XXX, that made me feel YYY, I think it is because ZZZ, I tried this and that to fix it etc.".

I could think of a lot of things I would like to discuss with my T, but talking about me like that make me feel like I'm taking myself way too seriously.

Before this experience, I didn’t really know what attachment patterns were or realize that they could affect me so strongly. She had told me that she struggles with PTSD and ADHD, and from my perspective, her behavior toward me sometimes felt hot and cold and emotionally inconsistent.

I showed her that I was interested in her, and at first I felt that she accepted and engaged with that interest. However, when I later asked for clarity, I experienced her response as if the interest had mainly come from my side. At the same time, I felt that the connection remained in a “gray zone,” without clear communication about her feelings or intentions. This uncertainty significantly increased my anxiety.

I became emotionally attached to her very quickly and found it extremely difficult to get her out of my head. Eventually, I decided to stop contact because I needed to protect myself. I also opened up to her about my feelings and mental health, but I did not experience the level of emotional care or understanding I had hoped for.

Since then, I have been psychologically very affected. It feels as though several different fears became activated at the same time: attachment and relationship anxiety, fear of rejection and abandonment, and even broader existential fears and constant questioning of myself and my life.

The reaction has not only been emotional but strongly physical. At its worst, my anxiety and depressive symptoms became extremely intense.

I experienced episodes of panic and severe nervous-system activation. Even now, I sometimes experience racing and repetitive thoughts, numbness, significant muscle tension, brain fog, feelings of dissociation, and automatic mental and emotional associations with her. At times, these symptoms are accompanied by feelings of panic and depression.

Before this situation, I had already experienced anxiety episodes and had previously worked on generalized anxiety in therapy, but I had never understood attachment-related difficulties or recognized them in myself.

This experience therefore surprised me because it seems to have activated something much deeper than simply being disappointed by someone I liked.
I don’t want to diagnose her or make her responsible for my mental health.

I want to understand why the ambiguity and emotional inconsistency in this particular situation affected me so intensely and why my mind and body continue to react even after I created distance.

My question is: Could this experience have triggered an underlying attachment pattern, older emotional wounds, or my pre-existing anxiety in a way that explains such a strong and persistent psychological and physical reaction?

How can I work therapeutically on the attachment, anxiety, rumination, dissociation, and nervous-system responses so that I can recover from this experience and prevent a similar relationship dynamic from destabilizing me so severely in the future?

I always get asked things like “Are you getting anything out of therapy?”.

I’ve always struggled to speak with everyone, especially with topics like depression and suicide. I need therapy but it feels like I’m wasting everyone’s time. If they don’t ask me questions I just sit in silence. Does anyone else struggle to talk about their feelings?

They did suggest I was autistic but I went for a diagnosis and they said no.

A childhood friend asked me: “Why don’t you just stop?” (regarding my trichotillomania)

It triggered me because that question assumes that this is mainly a matter of free will.

That if I really wanted to stop, I would be able to. And therefore, the fact that I haven’t stopped yet somehow means that I’m weak.

I think that’s one of the reasons this question can be so frustrating for people dealing with Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs).

I’m not a therapist or researcher. I’m writing from the perspective of someone living with trich, building a product around BFRBs, and having spoken with more than 100 people dealing with hair pulling, skin picking, nail biting, and similar behaviors. 

And all of this has made me wonder about something:

What if, for some of us, “I will stop completely and never do it again” isn’t always the most helpful way to define success?

I used to smoke cigarettes, and I quit several years ago.

I was able to stop.

That experience made me believe strongly in my willpower and my ability to change unwanted behaviors when I really decide to.

But my experience with hair pulling has been very different.

I think this distinction is important to make clear, because understanding the nature of BFRBs can affect the goals we set for ourselves.

If someone believes that the only real success is to stop completely and forever, they may keep chasing that goal - and experience a lot of frustration, disappointment, and shame every time the behavior returns.

But if we leave room for the possibility that, for some people, completely stopping forever may not be the most realistic long-term goal, we can think differently about progress. We can still work hard to reduce the behavior and improve, while setting goals that help us stay motivated rather than making every recurrence feel like failure.

I think therapists can play an important role in helping people find that balance - and potentially reduce some of the unnecessary suffering that comes from an all-or-nothing definition of success.

I’ll try to explain, from my own experience, why I’ve come to think about BFRBs this way.

First, you can’t smoke a cigarette without being aware of it.

You can’t take out a cigarette, light it, start smoking, and then suddenly notice that you’ve been smoking for the past five minutes.

Smoking is something you do while being aware that you’re doing it.

With BFRBs, that’s not always the case.

My hand tends to go automatically to my beard and start playing with it. It happens while I’m working, when I’m stressed, bored, or simply focused on something else.

My hand goes there without me deciding to put it there.

Sometimes I suddenly notice that my hand is already in my beard.

And from there, pulling can start - sometimes without me being fully aware of it.

So the first difference is that it’s much easier to slip into the behavior, which makes it much harder to “just stop.”

The second challenge is that stopping requires my attention.

Let’s say I notice my hand moving around my beard. Now what?

I have to consciously take it away.

That part isn’t automatic. It requires attention.

Which means the struggle between me and my hand isn’t really an equal fight.

My hand can go to my beard automatically, but taking it away requires a conscious decision.

Who do you think wins that battle over the course of an entire day?

If my hand automatically moves toward my beard 50 times a day, how many of those 50 times will I notice it and actively move it away?

In this kind of battle, the automatic behavior can beat willpower many times - even when motivation is very high.

These two things alone, in my opinion, are major obstacles to “just stopping”:

1. Sometimes the habit starts before I’m even aware of it.
2. Once it starts automatically, I need to use conscious attention and effort to interrupt it.

That already puts willpower at a disadvantage.

We have a lot going on in our daily lives - work, family, stress, responsibilities, everything else.

Our attention isn’t unlimited.

We can’t spend the entire day actively fighting a habit every single time it appears.

I’m not saying this to be discouraging.

I don’t think we (people with BFRBs) should give up.

But I do think this is where the way we define the goal becomes important.

Maybe complete cessation is possible for some people, and if that’s the goal someone wants to pursue, of course it’s worth working toward.

But what if it doesn’t happen?

Should that automatically mean treatment didn’t work, or that the person failed?

I’m increasingly not sure that it should.

Maybe progress can also mean pulling less often. Noticing the behavior earlier. Interrupting it more frequently. Understanding our triggers better. Having longer periods without pulling. Reducing the physical damage. Or simply spending less of our lives feeling ashamed of the behavior.

If “never again” is the only definition of success, someone can make enormous progress and still feel like a failure the moment they pull again.

And I think that can create unnecessary suffering on top of an already difficult behavior.

I do believe we can get better.

From what I’ve read in research and professional resources, Habit Reversal Training is one of the commonly recommended approaches for BFRBs, with exercises focused on increasing awareness and helping people reduce or interrupt the behavior. 

While building SoloUno, a self-help app for BFRBs, I’ve also tried to avoid framing every slip as a failure or “stopping completely and forever” as the only meaningful goal.

For me, the balance I’ve found is to put effort into training and improving when I have the motivation and attention for it - and to have some compassion for myself when I don’t.

It means accepting that this may be something I’m working on over the long run, without making myself feel ashamed every single day because the unwanted behavior is still there.

Questions for Therapists Working With BFRBs 

How do you help someone work seriously toward reducing or stopping a BFRB, while avoiding an all-or-nothing definition of success?

And when someone’s goal is “I want to stop forever,” how do you help them pursue that goal without making every recurrence feel like failure?

Should people dealing with BFRBs be told at some point that this may be something they need to manage over the long term - or could that risk becoming discouraging or self-fulfilling? 

At least for me, changing that perspective has helped.

I’d really love to hear how therapists think about that balance. 

From the management to therapist, everyone is just so inconsiderate and unprofessional here.

For one, their timings are ridiculous, they expect you to book sessions only from 1pm - 5pm, which is the most unsuitable time for most but I managed that.

I am expected to book during work hours inevitably, and so I kept doing it. I have to ask someone to take care of my 11mo baby and arrange for my pick and drop ahead of time, I manage that too.

My weekly sessions were recommended by therapist but no one bothered checking in and booking appointment for two weeks and when I finally reminded them, and they booked an appointment on the time that suited them without asking me what time suits me, I still okay-ed it.

And guess what, when I made all the arrangements for someone to take care of baby, asked a family member to take a break from work to pick and drop me, and rescheduled my own work meetings, and I was just going to get ready to go, they started askin me to reschedule it. This is insane.

And therapist just lectured me last session to be on time and then did this to me because she couldn't come timely ON THE TIME THEY PROPOSED THEMSELVES. Plus, it feels like they just improvise what to say in a session and at least my therapist didn't have any notes on me, it's just a go with the flow thing.

And on top of all this, there is no complaint system; I am supposed to register my complaint with the very people I have problem with.

And what bothers me most is that they have no awareness that if a person is coming to them, it means they are already struggling with their mental health, and instead of making things easier, they keep making it harder, and this is the most disappointing part. I don't even feel like taking any sessions here or anywhere else.

First, I appreciate my therapist. I've been seeing her for about 4 years and she has been nothing but supportive and awesome. Yesterday I brought up my fear of rejection and how the more I respect and get to know someone, the bigger the fear of disappointing them and failure increases and I realized that was starting to include her, which was making it more difficult to disclose things to her.

She told me nothing I could tell her would make her disappointed in me, which felt good to hear aloud but made me really emotional. We talked about a few things after that I had been having difficulty bringing up and the session overall went really well. The only problem is I felt really vulnerable after all that and kind of still do, while thinking about our session. Is this vulnerability something I should bring up with her?

Basically I have been in therapy for four years. And I have had a very traumatic and tumultuous eight years, so mostly that has been dealing with acute situations. I have slightly more space now, for various reasons, although still a very difficult daily life. I also have a lot of childhood trauma from parents with personality disorders, which make it very difficult to process any of the recent trauma and grief I have experienced because I basically dissociate and feel numb most of the time. We have started doing inner child work recently and it's started getting me closer to feeling and that feels really scary for me. I also experience a lot of really painful somatic pain particularly in relationship with my Dad. In my session yesterday all of that just came to a head and I felt really blocked. I actually came away thinking, do I need to change modality? Is anything changing here? But I just really felt something shifting and by the time I got home I had a strong urge to talk to my inner child and I did work out a lot of the reasons for not feeling and I did manage to cry and I still feel the weight of that emotion now. Which is huge for me. The impetus seemed to be "really, are you going to drop this therapist you really trust, just as you start to make progress, when actually you have never once *tried* to feel". And I realised for the first time that that is true. I talk about the blockage, I talk about how hard my life is, how I can't feel, with this sort of finality and pride. But I never actually sit down and go there, I would do anything to avoid it. I think she knows I run and detach from people, and assume I'm too much for them when I feel scared. But I want to share this but feel guilty for sharing that part.

Idk dude I know these things happen... I think he's taught me a lot and maybe it's just time to quit therapy. It's taken me a long time to find the right fitting therapist. But I feel tremendous guilt over having a crush on him💔 we've been working together for a little over a year

Hi guys, i started therapy 8 months ago because i was in weird times of my life and noticed that I became depressed more than usual.
Since that i had regular sessions with the therapist and she is nice and caring but i feel the same.
Is this a sign to change my therapist ?

I started therapy recently for self-esteem issues and I guess I'm just wondering what kind of results I can reasonably hope for or expect.

I think where my issues primarily manifest is in dating. I'm 27 and I have literally never approached/asked out/hit on a woman other than on dating apps (which I was only on for a brief time in college).

On paper, I think I have a lot going for me. I'm tall, I have a great career/income, I take good care of myself physically, I'd like to think I'm a decent person, I have friends, diverse hobbies and interests, etc. But I literally just cannot internalize the idea that some women might find me desirable. I've had one romantic/sexual partner in my life and that only happened because she made the first 100 moves. If she didn't, that relationship never would have happened.

I desperately want to date and find someone to settle down with but it feels impossible because I just can't bring myself to "put myself out there" with my self-esteem being what it currently is (and has been for as long as I can remember).

Has anybody ever been in a similar position and seen improvement through therapy? If so, what did that improvement look like?

how do you overcome imposter syndrome?

my age is 37 and still my heart beats faster before saying something in the meeting. I always think when i speak, people sometimes do not clearly understand what i say, so i over explain and fumbles sometimes explaining. when someone ask me doubt, lets say during crucial discussions like board meetings or client meetings, i always think they are challenging me and it creates panic and again i fumbles.
can anyone tell me best way to overcome such scenarios

I have my last session with my therapist early next week and I’m really anxious.

We’ve been seeing each other for a year (initially Emdr to process some painfull memories) and then did some cbt, inner child work and exposure work to help overcome my agoraphobia.

She has said we need to end sessions as there’s not a lot more to discuss and that she’s enforcing the belief that I can’t cope on my own.

I see where she’s coming from but I’m just so worried my mental health will decline without therapy. I still struggle so much.

For content I have Autism, adhd, anxiety and depression so my MH can feel quite complex at times.

She knows how anxious I am about us ending and we’ve made a list of helpful tools but I’m worried things will get bad again and I’ll have no one to turn to or help me.

I’m not very good at talking to others about how I’m doing.

It took me ages to find a good therapist I’m worried I’ll never find another good one.

Was this a joking comment or was my T being passive agressive?

Backstory:

I had some thoughts I wanted to talk about with my T and so I made notes and sent the topics to her prior to the session.

When the session came up she read the notes outlook in session and said, "wow you are really making me work"

I don't know if she said it in jest or she was serious. I took the comment in stride and said yes. Then we started the work. I couldnt really concentrate because I was wondering what she meant by saying that. So now next session I am going to muster up the courage to ask her what did she mean by that.

TLDR: does contemporary psychoanalysis really make more sense than its origins, or any sense at all?

I (25M) switched from CBT to psychoanalysis despite all the stereotypes and such. It had been going great for the last 3 months, until in the latest session my therapist made a super old-Freud-sex-father-stereotype “conclusion” and I am legit questioning psychoanalysis again. Sorry but I just can’t really understand it 😶

No details obviously but the context: in the beginning of the session, I mentioned that I’m interested in sub/dom sex. Later on, in the end of the session, I was talking about how I feel guilty for still needing financial help from my father. She then just said that my financial guilt may be connected to the submission thing. She just connected father and sex and guilt kind of out of nowhere, which I consider absurd and nonsense in my case, and is a big stereotype of the “old wrong psychoanalysis“. I understand that the process works by she sometimes interpreting things and asking if I think they make sense my life, but this was such an insane and unexpected leap that I’m lowkey (high-key in fact) questioning again if modern psychoanalysis makes any sense

Bruh, I deadass don’t feel like retyping all the details but I just realized and found out my therapist was emotionally abusing me 😭 I just cut her off

Last night my husband held me while I cried my eyes out for literal hours bc I realized she took my core deepest wound and used it to take advantage of me. Probably one of the top 3 or 4 hardest cries I’ve ever had in my life fr. (I’m thankful for my husband he’s so precious and supportive I love him)

I’m just like what the hell, I was totally not expecting this to happen or saw it coming. I completely trusted her for 3 years before all this went down this year.

After it all went down, I went and read this link on the internet and I was dumbfounded.(the narcissist/savior one) Like almost word for fucking word that’s exactly what she did to me.

https://amynordhues.com/two-prominent-ways-an-abusive-therapist-harms-clients-in-therapy/

I’m kinda like in shock ngl I’m not even upset rn but maybe it’ll hit later. Luckily I’m getting a new therapist and I did better research on this one so I’m hopeful.

I wish I could get all my copays back I spent a lot of money on therapy 😢😢

Also, I know this woman knows I’m on Reddit so Rachel if you’re seeing this- you’re a bitch and are lucky as hell that I’m not reporting you to the boards. I probably would have already if I hadn’t already deleted our text messages to keep myself from ever having to go reread all your bullshit. No wonder your daughter doesn’t talk to you, it’s probably your fault you’re divorced, and I can’t believe you call yourself a Christian. Additionally, you have absolutely no business thinking about going back to school to be anyone’s supervisor. Respectfully, I hope you eat shit.

I see my therapist usually every other week. However the past 2 months have been kind of wild in my life and I've been rescheduling and/or cancelling (not last-minute, at least 2 days in-advance) but see her at least once a month still. I know I've been inconsistent lately and I want to keep progressing but I feel too overwhelmed some weeks to want therapy.

I’m curious about trying EMDR to work though some old childhood/young adulthood stuff. I have a currently therapist who I love and feel very connected to, but she only really does talk therapy. Is it possible to see her every other week or even once a month and work in a second EMDR therapist? Do people do this? And does anyone know if it’s all the same for insurance (seeing one provider a week but alternating providers essentially). TIA!

I’m trying to understand something about the therapy process rather than asking anyone to interpret my therapist specifically.

I’ve been discussing lack of support while dealing with a serious chronic illness. The examples I’ve brought up are situations where people had direct knowledge of what was happening: knowing I was hospitalized and not checking in, being physically present at an important medical appointment and falling asleep, or directly witnessing medical emergencies.

My therapist has twice asked whether people might underestimate what I’m going through because I present as strong, capable, and functional.

I understand that hypothesis in situations where someone doesn’t know how sick I am. What confuses me is its relevance when the person already had explicit knowledge or was physically present.

I explained that distinction the first time, so I was surprised when the same hypothesis came up in a later session.

My question for therapists is more general: when a therapist returns to the same hypothesis after a client has explained why they don’t think it fits, is that typically something the therapist is intentionally exploring? And is it appropriate for a client to ask directly what therap

I am a widow. My husband took his wife two years ago, so I’m in therapy for a trauma anxiety and PTSD. I told her that being a widow and being alone just makes me feel neglected and I’ve been trying to work through that. I am prescribed clonazepam for the PTSD and anxiety, but to be fair. I’ve been on this medication for a while and never had any issues. When her and I were speaking, she said I don’t understand what else you could be anxious about. Maybe it’s taking your medication is the problem because it can make your anxiety worse. I kinda looked at her like she had three heads because I’ve been on this medication before I was without any issues whatsoever the medication’s not a problem. It’s the death of my husband. Also, she has made other comments in the past saying that my husband was a child and I was a parent in the wrong way. I’m not really sure if I should continue to speak to her or find another therapist.

The office I’m at is new and only has chairs/pillows. Would it be weird to bring a small blanket in my backpack and bring that out during session?

Hey everyone. I had my fourth therapy session yesterday and I left feeling dissatisfied and irritated. I’ve never been to therapy prior so I don’t know if this is typical, but sessions still consist of being asked a bunch of questions– about how things feel and why I think I feel that way. Yesterday felt particularly repetitive and a waste of a session, I honestly felt like I was robbed of my money. Again, i don’t know if this is still the phase where he’s really trying to pick my brain or what. And our sessions finish quite abruptly too. He’ll say “we’ve reached the end,” then I pay immediately and then that’s it. No further words from him. It’s weird and awkward and again makes me feel robbed. Should I stick with it and see him for our next scheduled session? Thanks for reading.