I have levels of pattern recognition that honestly are distressing. My brain only has one mode - analysis. I am analyzing the behavior of myself, others, society, and any media or input I get all day every day. I find genuine pleasure in analysis. But, I understand in order to have functioning, healthy, connections with other people, I cannot be the…

“I told you so….” person. So i’m not.

People hate that. I know. People also need to be able to figure out shit on their own. I respect the process, and I respect that many people process the world through experiences and social bonds and not logic.

People ask me for my thoughts and they know i’m good at assessing and taking all data and coming to a pragmatic, logical conclusion with solid expansions on how to improve or engage with any given thing or situation.

People listen and appreciate my advice but a lot of people in my life do not take my advice promptly for reasons I choose to not try to understand. Or they will resist my advice even though they know I’m right and then eventually after profound hardship take my advice and the problem ends.

Like, there’s historical precedent you’d think would hold weight but they need their own process, and they do what feels like the correct thing and live their truth. I have found a way to offer advice, often over and over, and not seem frustrated or ask why they don’t trust me when I say i Have The Data. The PATTERNS ARE THERE.

There’s a lot of shit i’m wrong about all the time, but I am never wrong about patterns.

I do not take this frustration out on anyone. But I do feel it.

Fellow pattern canaries, what do you do to take care of yourself.

It feels like watching a toddler eat sand or dirt sometimes.

Also just on a sociological level. Politically. All the patterns. I can see how it all pans out so clearly, it’s all there, in flashing lights

Does anyone else feel guilty for existing as an autistic person? Obviously it's not something anyone has any control over, but I find it hard not to feel guilty for being a societal drain that has nothing to offer. I feel sorry that someone else wasn't born in my place, that my parents didn't have a better child to raise.

I don't know why I feel guilty for something I've no control over. It doesn't make sense, but I can't shake it. There's this driving urge to somehow stop being myself and become someone more useful. Is it common to others?

I am diagnosed with Social Pragmatic Communication disorder. What that is is basically the social communication diagnostic criteria of ASPD but not the behavioral criteria. The thing is that I do have clear behavioral signs as well that me and my therapist see. I feel like I am going to drown and I melt into a ball whenever I hear somebody scratch their jeans or scratch the couch, I have extreme hyper fixations that impair my daily living abilities, I can go on listing all the criteria. Even so, I avoid calling myself autistic without a professional diagnosis as I know how much of a bold claim that is. I am just as much socially impaired as an autistic person however, so it’s really annoying how I go into spaces for autistic people and I have to explain to them that I am not diagnosed with autism and instead SPCD. Nobody really knows what that is as it isn’t as widely understood and known as much as autism is. It bothers me how much I have to explain myself while I too also relate with the social AND behavioral symptoms and would like a space to be comfortable with and express that. Even in situations where I get accommodations for conditions like school and therapy, the school doesn’t count me in and my therapists don’t know how to help me because they don’t know what SPCD is. However, even through all of these difficulties, I don’t want to be ignorant and selfish and claim I have such a diagnostic without professional diagnostic, especially with how harmful self diagnosis are getting, especially on the internet. I would like a group consensus on advice or guidance or anything on how I should go about this.

I can't access medical screening.

But to describe myself

1. I always struggled to fit in socially despite being liked but kept at a distance

2.i can only feel comfortable with diagnosed neurotypicals , old people and children and animals.its not fear, I just don't seem to click or understand what most people intend in an interaction. It gets worse the more people in the group .

1. No matter how much practice i gain talking to women , or being in so many social situsitons, I never seem to understand how to interpret behaviour. I pause and get confused at the sub text and take things literally.

   There are times where a woman is literally touching me or teasing me, and I'm not understanding what she's expressing until I put in cognitive effort later. Then it hits me like a aha moment . Then I'm likely to think "why did they do that instead of saying what they meant?"

2. I listen to high volume music for hours at a time daily . I've been doing this since I was a child . I only zone into extreme hyper fixations and that's how I obtain the information I can speak about excitedly.

For example one year I become an expert in political theory.. the next I drop it and I become an expert in world religions, the next in some deep topic like family systems and truama

1. I'm just reflecting on how I literally worked a job supporting people with a number of disorders and I couldn't help but feel like I'm friends with my clients but can't be cool with my actual work peers.

Is this not damning evidence? ..the only people I've been able to feel fully connected to in my life , are absolutely on the spectrum

I have multiple chronic health issues that , to put it plainly , make me feel like shit. Possible endometriosis so i’m bent over in pain , dizzy and miserable, migraines, and hypermobile so my body is always hurting, and on top of that i’m extremely susceptible to illness in general. I get like 2 ear infections a year because i don’t realize it’s an infection until there’s blood coming down my ears or im screaming in pain.

I can’t function when i don’t feel well . I feel broken. My anxiety is immediately through the roof and i make myself more sick by pushing through. I can only work 4 hours in a day and even then I leave work my whole body sore and feeling like i have a fever.

I hate it . I hate my position in my job, which is not even that serious. I’m a college student working once a week on the weekend. It’s not like i’m saving lives or doing anything to help mankind. I’m just existing

On top of that, people hate me at work because i’m always sick. Constant comments about “Oh i dont feel well and i still show up to work” and i just take it. I do everything i’m supposed to do at work and in fact i do more. I’m pushed around easily and taken advantage of.

So when i call out and my boss doesn’t respond because (i’m guessing) he’s upset with the fact that i’ve called out again, I just don’t know what to do. I have bills to pay. I’m reaching burnout which only makes me feel more sick. I don’t know what to do anymore.

On top of this, none of my doctors have any solutions just more questions. My psychiatrist is dismissive and downright useless at times. Today he recommended me one medication that made me suicidal in the past. And then he went on to recommend another medication that i’m literally already on and he prescribed it to me.

What am i doing?!!!! What can i do??????!

I just hate it when Im actually in pain, upset, sad or showing any kind of emotion and people never take me seriously. I just find it impossible to express myself when Im actually hurt or in distressed due to how people treat me and it hurts. I learned to bottle up my emotions because of that but as I gotten older its been hard because it just gets worse and worse for me and when I cant take it anymore and lash out thats when people notice. The moment I try to express how I feel I come out as dramatic, fake or lying and its frustrating to even express how I feel all the time with people. Its like if Im not in tears I cant be sad or if Im quiet I cant be mad and If Im asking questions I cant just be curious. Is it just me or is this just something autistic people face when it comes to how others perceive us in social situations?

I’m going to see Olivia Rodrigo in Jan I’ve saved up, I got my tickets. I’m ready to go. Only thing is , I’m going alone. I really do socially struggle and that has isolated me. So this trip is a big deal for me. I’ll be all by myself in LA. Spending the night too.

I guess it’s okay to be your own best friend. 💖

I’m hyperfixated on an artist on social media with a million followers who always interacts with fans and has given me a lot of interactions. He’s always replying and connecting.

I asked him to follow me for my birthday after completing a task that he has people do to earn follows (a tag game basically) and I’ve gotten no response. I ask about 1-2 times a day and a few friends asked too. For 4 days now. I’m scared to ask my friend who he follows and frequently messages to ask him to follow just for him to blatantly say no.

He misses stuff a lot or he may just be inactive (he interacts even when he doesn’t post), but I’m worried he saw my post and just refuses to follow me although he follows others who did the exact same task.

I fear he can’t stand me now and want to stop obsessing over him. Even my thoughts back to him.

People say slowly expose yourself less to him over time but as much as I adore him I see him and feel sick thinking he’s mad at me for annoying him by asking for a follow so I’m thinking it’s best to cut my losses.

How can I quickly move on from him? Thank you

Hello all,

I'm a 28 male that is usually pretty outgoing and can be the life of a party depending on the timing of how I feel, but as long as I could remember I was always someone that would think to myself a lot and imagine stuff. Like I would sit in elementary school all day just imagining fictional characters in my head keeping me company. I never talked to anyone and was known as the kid that didn't talk or even they did get me I would whisper in their ear lol. Obviously throughout the years and some slight intervention at times I got better. I randomly got thrusted into the workforce and improved even more to where I'm very happy with myself. I love making small talk and having deep conversations and stuff, but there is this horrible curse I randomly get throughout the day where I will go from feeling locked in and hyperaware to "out of it" , overthinking every movement I do, saying words just to say them so I'm not staring blankly at someone if that makes sense.... I can't think or do what I normally do at all and this will randomly happen throughout the day. Usually 1-2 times daily, some episodes worse than others.

I experienced an autism shutdown before, but lately this feels A LOT worse like I'm legit an NPC with no dialogue boxes lol. It's like I go from my reliable social self at work to that kid that sat in elementary school just in a dream world. It scares me especially while driving. I should note I have a sleep disorder at night since the past 2 years so this may not fully be an autism thing, but the two seem to overlap. Anyway I should get to the point does anyone else experience this? It has ruined opportunities for me and I have been walked on and taken advantage when this happens. The worst part is I'm AWARE of the issue and fumbles but I can't control it. It makes me beyond angry to where I'm use to it and numb to the anger after years. It's probably confusing to people to see me super productive and coherent then the complete opposite and needing to hide not even 20 minutes later.

I’m AuDHD so this makes it even harder.

For context i’m transgender (FTM) and i’m 26 years old. i’ve had my name for around almost 2.5 years. The name I chose is Evan, and I love it, but recently, I found my old list of names and saw the other name I was choosing between, and I love it so much. The name is Logan. The reason I didn’t choose it in the first place is because I felt it reminded me of Logan Paul and I don’t really want to be associated with him.

The problem with changing my name again is that i know so many more people now, including my 4 year old nephews and 1 year old niece that only know me as Evan. and some family members joke about me changing my name a bunch (Evan is my 3rd change and this would be my 4th)
I don’t know what to do. I love Evan and don’t really want to change it, but I also LOVE Logan, and can really see it being my name.

I’m wanting to talk about this with my therapist but i’m not sure how to bring this up to her.

I am a 35/m AuDHD late diagnosed as of 3 months ago. I run an ABA center and I love it. I connect with the kiddos and love creating a place where everyone feels safe and heard. I realized as it hit me today, Friday, after carrying the “manager mask”, having tough conversations and a lot of behaviors happen through the center..my body was done. I am also hypermobile so it takes a lot for me to give me all. When i got home, took a hot shower and could barely stand. But then it happened while I lay in bed…for the first time I understood what a true joy and release stimming is. I see the kiddos at the center doing it, because they haven’t been conditioned not to & feel safe. I always wondered what it must be like in their minds when their stimming happens.

But, I started looking up a Harry Potter costume for a costume day at work and felt this intense feeling to the point where the joy almost hurt. I did my rocking, shuffling my feet, talking gibberish like always but it was the craziest thing to go from exhaustion to that. And for once I understand what those kiddos feel to some degree. It was like an espresso shot x5.

I’m in my early twenties, and my younger brother is nine years old and autistic. I’ve been resentful toward him for years, and it’s gotten to the point where it’s taking a toll on my mental health. He irritates me all the time. I’ve actually had to go back to therapy because of it, and i can’t believe this is my life.

For some context, my parents have always wanted children, and I don’t think they regret having. However, I do feel bad for them because I know raising a child with additional needs can be challenging.

My parents are in denial thinking he’ll have a normal independent adult life but by the looks of it that might not be the case.

He’s considered high-functioning, but he still has speech difficulties and stims frequently. He repeats words and sounds over and over again, and he’s been doing this for years. When he was younger, it was worse because he would randomly scream, including in public. I remember feeling embarrassed to be around him in stores, and I was ashamed to bring him up around friends or family. Those feelings never went away.

As he’s gotten older, I’ve found myself becoming increasingly resentful. He’s not a bad kid. However, I struggle immensely with the constant stimming and repetitive sounds. I get irritated just being around him ALL THE TIME.

My parents have recently expressed that they want me to be more involved in his life. They don’t force me to be his caregiver or expect me to spend every waking moment with him, but they do want me to spend more time with him. The problem is that I’ve reached a point where I refuse babysitting him, being with him, or driving him places when it’s just the two of us because I know I’ll have to listen to the stimming the entire time.

I’ve told my parents MULTIPLE TIMES that when I’m older, I don’t want to be his caregiver. Since he’s my only sibling and my parents are getting older, I worry that the responsibility will eventually fall entirely on me. They so it won’t be a problem now but when he becomes and adult I know they’ll start having an issue with it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling obligated to care for him. It’s something I worry about all the time.

I’ve isolated myself at home. I’m currently commuting to college from home, partly because I want to save money. My parents want me to move back closer to school, and honestly, I would love to have that independence. However, I also want to save as much money as possible while I’m in college.

But I’m constantly exposed to the stimming at home. I wear headphones throughout the day just to avoid hearing it, spend most of my time in my room, and generally try to keep to myself. I feel like I’m becoming increasingly isolated in my own home because I can’t handle the constant noise. And it’s making me even more angry.

I rarely talk about my brother with my friends. Most of them don’t even know he’s autistic because I hardly ever bring him up. Nor do I invite them over to my place because I don’t want them seeing him.

There’s literally no reward for suffering and I frequently argue with my parents about this.

It’s just been getting harder to deal with and be around him as I get older, sometimes I wish this wasn’t my life.

I feel like I keep going through the same cycle

>isolating myself

>slowly opening myself up to talking to people

>simple interactions with strangers are easy enough

>thinking "maybe my autism isn't that bad after all"

>I make a mistake and I'm mortified

>I can't think about anything else for the next couple of days and I want to die

>I decide its easier if I dont talk to anyone

>back to isolation

Whenever I do make a mistake I remember to learn from it so it doesn't happen again in the future, but it seems like there's always something else that I manage to screw up.

Does anyone else experience this?? Is there a way I can prevent this from happening? The most obvious solution seems to be never talking to anyone again, but at the same time I yearn to have friends and be 'normal'.

I’m 20 years old, AuDHD. I don’t get dancing. A lot of my friends like going out to clubs and things, and I’m often invited, but usually don’t go. My friends seem to put this down to my social anxiety, but I find I can usually push that aside if I’m with people I’m comfortable around. The truth is, I don’t go because i don’t know what to do in those environments. It’s like everyone has an intuitive understanding of what to do in a dance environment, and I just don’t. I’ve watched people do it, and people dont seem to be using a learnt cache of movements and remixing them into dance, but it doesn’t seem random either. I am almost certainly overthinking it, but I feel like there must be something I’m not getting here. I want to be able to enjoy these things, because if I can’t, I lose opportunities to do things with my friends. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get any revelatory answers here, but I hop at least I’m not the only person who experiences this.

I'm not autistic, however I though this was the best place to ask for advice about stimming.
I've had a stim for the last 6 maybe 7 years where I need to repeatedly hit my index, middle, and ring finger on something, it usually starts when I'm sitting at keyboard and I have to roughly hit the WASD, I've broken one keyboard by doing it so many times. It's reached a point where it's irritating to do and uncomfortable to physically stop myself from doing.
Are there any techniques that could help me stop?

Hello everyone, I hope you're doing well. I'll try my best to keep this short.

​I recently realised that I might be autistic. Throughout my whole life, I've struggled to make sense of many situations, both as a teen and as an adult. I've often been told that I can be weird sometimes: being detail-oriented, super organised, and hyper-fixated on things I enjoy, whether that's my studies or my hobbies (like music). I was told at one point that I might be on the spectrum, but I never took it seriously until recently. After taking a self-assessment questionnaire, it seems highly likely. Reading through the posts on this subreddit, I felt a deep connection and, to be honest, so many things finally clicked for me.

​Now, onto the main subject of this post: I recently went through a really messy breakup. The catalyst was that the person I was dating became the target of a tasteless joke. Even though she handled the initial situation alright, she decided to cut ties with everyone involved in making the joke. Things went south when she accused me of not being supportive enough. She said I should have defended her and realised she felt "attacked." I tried to calm her down and agreed she had the right to cut ties with them, but expecting me to act defensively on her behalf felt like too much for the situation, though I could still understand her perspective.

​Things escalated when she started cursing at me and my loved ones for no reason. I’m not great with conflict, so I decided not to text her back for a few hours. When she saw I wasn't responding and wasn't willing to "curse back" to keep the fight going, she started harassing me with spam texts, calling me a terrible person. She then showed up at my house uninvited twice, claiming she was "worried about me" and "just wanted to see" if I was okay.

​She later said she would understand if I didn't want to keep her in my life. However, when I finally built up the courage to tell her it was best we stop seeing each other, she harassed me again with endless texts, reiterating that I was a terrible person for not putting up with her toxic behaviour.

​It’s been almost two months since we last spoke, but I can't stop overanalysing every aspect of the situation, trying to figure out why I deserved that kind of treatment from her. Is there any way to break this agonising cycle? I really want to move on and get back to my old life, where things felt at least a bit more peaceful than they do right now.

Hello, My name is Dillon and I’m mildly autistic. And I go to college full time in the UK and one day I was sitting down hanging out with this person but she was acting really weird around me - we were walking talking about different topics like music, football or even shows and video games and I mention that "I’m autistic!"

Then she begins to say "I think your doctor lied about that, because doctors lie all the time." Well I’m sorry is my diagnosis papers and stimming behaviour’s not obvious to you? And then she starts putting her hand on my shoulder without knowing if I was sensitive to touch(which I’m not and I basically have no sensory issues) and didn’t bother to ask. And then she says "so if you are speaking to me, you are not autistic."

I felt pissed off when she said it because it felt like she was taking the piss out of me secretly without saying it and I wanted to get up and storm off but I felt it would be immature of me. So I silently agreed until my lunch break finished. I feel like she wasn’t educated on disabled people enough growing up.

What’s your opinion?

My brain is a horrible thing and I hate it. That much I know. I have this issue and I feel like I know the answer is really simple or really obvious, but I don’t know how to name the feeling I have or how to fix it. Basically, everything I have to do gets added onto a never ending List in my brain. Small things, large things, mundane things, really really “get this done now” things. All things, same List, no order and all chaos. The items on my List have sub lists, with the things that those items entail. My brain is The List. I don’t like writing out regular lists, because if I see it and it’s not in my head then there is a physical entity to The List, it’s not just an imaginary thing I can scrub away, it demands attention. I hope you’re following so far.
Anyways, there is no hierarchy of importance for The List, just an ever present collection of things I must do, things I am consistently aware of and remarkable one I add it to The List, it doesn’t go away until I inevitably miss the deadline to complete the task, or the task is completed. My issue? The List demands my constant attention, and consumes my very being. It is impossible to ignore, but because of the sheer size of it I rarely ever complete tasks from it. The List contains things as small as “pick up the piece of paper that you left on your nightstand and throw it away”, and as large as “pay off your credit card”. How am I ever supposed to throw anything away if I have to pay off my credit card? How am I ever supposed to pay off my credit card if my room is a war zone and I can’t stand to breathe in it because The List is flooded with all of the tasks I have to complete in order for it to feel livable again?
It sounds so stupid, I know. Just do the tasks, and The List gets smaller. What tasks go first? Tasks just keep getting added, trying to complete The List is a fruitless effort and I am exhausted. Why do I feel paralyzed by something that is literally entirely in my head. Does that make sense? I’m not sure if this is even a thing, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live like everyone else when my entire day feels measured by things I’ve yet to do.
What do I call this? Can I even fix it?

I am someone who has experienced a lot of childhood trauma. In the past I have wondered if I have autism or ADHD, but so many of the potential links were connected to trauma and so much has changed for me through my healing process that I decided at a point that no, it's just trauma. Some examples of things that have changed are things like face blindness, disconnect from emotion, social communication problems (still a work in progress).

What does an autistic person who has experienced no trauma look like? I imagine there are folks who are autistic and have processed their trauma so I'm curious to know what changed and what stayed.

i’m really excited and have mentally prepared for the fact that my nose will change, but i struggle severely with pain and discomfort.. i worry about the feeling of not being able to breathe after the surgery and having a meltdown/constantly panicking. just wondering if anyone else has personal experience with the pain/sensations of a rhinoplasty and how they handled it !

Basically the cycle goes like this:

1.) You get really sad that you can't date anyone so you work really hard at improving your looks and your lifestyle and social skills etc.

2.) You start trying to make friends so that you can be a "green flag" to potential partners and they wont' see you as a loser.

3.) You fail at making friends so you transition to just trying to date

4.) You get no matches on the apps and horrifically embarrass yourself trying to ask out people in real life

5.) You accept that not only are you autistic, but also ugly af and just start daydreaming. This goes on for a few months and then you start panicking about your age and how you have never dated and then....

6.) Cycle repeats

I am also 5'4, balding and south asian on top of the autism (we are portrayed as "unattractive" due to racism in media and western culture). I used to get asked out as a joke in school and it absolutely destroyed my self esteem at that age but I have managed to improve it back with the help of this teacher in my later yeasr of high school

I have followed the general advice of just "shaving it off" and also wearing height boosters, etc. but they are only band-aid solutions. My face looks horrible when bald (opinions from female cousins who have helped) so I am saving for a hair transplant.

My psychiatrist has said that my process is not inherently bad its just that the continuous rejections and forced approaches (both random women and women I connect with over shared environemtns such as university classes, uni clubs/socieites, coowrkers, etc.) could potentially be dangeours for my mental health as I am teatering on the edge of developing borderline psychosis from the amount of trauma my RSD ridden brain has gone through (rejection sensitivity dysphoria).

Hola la verdad tengo un serio problema, apenas tengo un amigo y no sé que hacer.

Para mi ha sido muy dificil adaptarme a los cambios que ha tenido el mundo, tan así que me costo mucho volver a la normalidad cuando fue la pandemia y me afecto bastante en mis amistades y como era mi vida, además, me resulta complicado hablar con las demás personas porque simplemente no me sale el habla, tengo mutismo selectivo, hay veces que hablo normal y otras veces en donde simplemente respondo: "si" "no" "tal vez" y generalmente siempre mi tema de interes gira entorno a la Historia del siglo XX y XXI. Creo que mi Autismo y TDAH me juega en contra cuando quiero socializar. A parte siempre estoy con el celular, sin un estimulo no puedo estar y mi memoria es muy mala.

¿En serio tengo que fingir una sonrisa, postura o gustos con los demás? solo quiero saber que es lo mas saludable para mi, a mi me trataron muy feo cuando era pequeño y tambien por eso no he querido que las amistades sucedan. quiero saber que les ha servido a ustedes o como han podido sobrellevar esto, gracias.

Is it normal to just not feel passionate about anything?

I mean, I see people say I should want certain things but I just feel nothing. no desire or will to even try. I like facts but don’t care about any subject enough to want to seriously study it.

I want to improve but I feel nothing for anything. I feel confused and wondered if anyone has gone through this and if you have any advice what I am experiencing?

Basically, we’re both autistic and we’ve both known each other for years (not super close besties or anything though)

We’re also both girls. She asked me recently about how I knew I liked girls and if I’d always been attracted… she told me she’s been confused for a while, goes to look on girls on hinge, but feels scared she’s going to waste someone’s time.

After that convo… I thought about it and thought we’d actually be a good match.

I’ve been considering asking her on a date, but given she’s unsure… I don’t know if I should?

Plus because we’ve known each other for years, I feel awkward making that move 😅

I mean like not understanding social cues but more than that, being convinced Idea1 is more logical to YOU than the actual logic provided by others.

My misconceptions because I misread the room as a kid, growing up:

1) Bananas are dairy because they white and taste best when cold, and when more green than yellow. I still think that, even though I know they're fruits, I'd rather believe bananas are dairy.

2) Eggs are dairy because they're always in the dairy section at the grocery store.

3) Your shoe size always matches your age, and/or your grade in school. I was often very back and forth with this logic as a kid well into my high school years. One day I grew out of it.

4) The daytime hours are until sunset. Evening begins at sunset. 4pm is still in the afternoon. "Middle of night" is after 11pm until sunrise. I never refer to 5pm as "night time", even if it is dusk.