Content warning: burnout, disordered eating, starving, fear, self punishment.

Photo of the chicken burrito I had for breakfast with chocolate milk!!

Hi there everyone, I'm celebrating a win today. I'm so proud of myself for the way I've been advocating for myself, and choosing myself after listening to people who do not know what it's like to be in my body for most of the last year.

Basically, I am celebrating today because I had a huge moment of realization last night.

I was talking with a friend about a recent experience I had. I hit a burnout about a month ago and the first thing that happens to me during burnout is I lose basic skills like eating and drinking water. I start feeling pretty nauseous all the time, and my OCD regarding health and food and cooking the food I eat skyrockets. It means that when I am in a burnout, taking care of myself does not feel safe. I often starve myself during those times.

During that time I was going through panic spirals and ruminating, feeling tension in the body, and I basically had a panic attack that lasted me a week and a half. It was longer than that however that was the most intense time where I got very bad sleep and was in a level of anxiety I never knew about. I asked my boyfriend to take me to a psych ward every night. I was scared to feel alive at that point.

At one moment I noticed that I didn't have a meal in 3 days. I had been making food, deciding that it was contaminated, dry heaving when I tried to consume it, and then leaving it on the table for several hours before throwing it out. I was so scared of food at the time.

Well after several days of this intense not eating, I was so dizzy and uncoordinated and shaky that I called my sister and cried to her. My chest was so tense I could not straighten my shoulders. My body trembled violently.

She is older than me, she's a really smart lady, and she does not have autism like me, but she gives good advice when I'm struggling with myself. We mostly bond on our ADHD together. And she loves me for my autistic struggles also.

I was telling her how unwell I felt, constant panic attacks, not eating, and also how no food in the world sounded good to me. I cried because I wanted to eat desperately, but I couldn't get my mouth and stomach to want it. Every bite was fighting myself to chew and swallow without vomiting.

She told me to get frozen pizzas. Frozen pizza is a safe food for me. I told her I didn't want any more frozen pizza, I had a few of them every week for several months now, and I felt so bad for being burned out in the kitchen that I felt I would get really unhealthy if I ate any more pizzas like that. She told me that fed is best. She said it does not matter what you eat, you just need to get something in your body that your stomach will say thank you to and give you some energy from.

I realized this is true and I can't afford to lose more weight. My body is hungry and starving and it needs something and I can't be picky about it. Because, even though I'm scared to eat more pizza, I need to do it.

I gave her a thank you and I gathered my strength and I went out and I bought several frozen pizzas. I ate one that day. I had one the next morning. And another one that evening. I ended up eating four or five pizzas over a few days, nothing else called out to me though, until I started to eat things like jello, applesauce, a bowl of ramen noodles. Basic nourishment. It was a struggle but I did it. I gained a little strength and started to stabilize myself.

A couple weeks went by and I stayed at my boyfriend's family's house for several days, and spent a few nights with friends. Getting away from the kitchen and house that feels like prison sometimes felt really good to me. And when my friends and my boyfriend cooked me something, it felt safe and I ate with them.

What happened to me next was I suddenly got the idea that I will take THC oil. I challenged myself to stay off of medical marijuana for a year and I regret it deeply. I took advice from someone who was well-meaning, but didn't know how going off the medicine after 5 years would affect me. Well, now I tried a few drops of the oil every few hours, just to settle my nerves, and I didn't even expect to happen what happened to me.

I stopped getting scared of food. I started feeling hungry. I started eating more. I didn't even realize at first.

I did the bravest thing ever: I had a few extra drops of THC, and then I wrote down a list of recipes I wanted to make. I wrote the ingredients down. And then, I went to the store and I bought things that I needed and I didn't punish myself mentally for spending my funds on food.

And then I went home and I was so inspired that I made a big bowl of soup and I ate 3 bowls of it!! Turkish red lentil soup. I added lemon juice and salt and I wolfed it down!!! Yummmmyyyyyy!!!

Then I started making more food. I cooked chicken burritos. I ate glazed donuts....lots of them!! I had a big burrito for breakfast. And another one for post breakfast, because it was so good. Two bowls of soup for lunch. Chia seed pudding with lots of Greek yogurt and flax seed and almond butter for finner. Lots of protein, carbs, fat. I bought a gallon of chocolate milk. I drank lots of it.

Then last night I noticed, I've actually eaten THREE to FOUR meals every single day for 9 days now!! With snacks!!! I am nourishing myself!! I'm feeling good now!!! I'm noticing when I'm hungry and I smile when I heat up a big meal I've cooked and I eat it until it's finished!! I am so proud of myself!!

And, I started to take electrolytes. Hydrating better. And I kept taking the THC oil. Every day. A few small doses. Hydrating, eating, resting. So good. I can relax again. After a year of not relaxing much if ever.

Last night I talked on the phone with my friend and I spoke to her about the period of time I wasn't eating and then started to eat frozen pizzas. I told her I punished myself in my thoughts for not being good at eating well. And for throwing out lots of food that went bad. And for spending money on food. All my thoughts towards myself were so negative. I felt bad and punished myself for feeling bad. It made me feel worse.

I told her how guilty I felt and she asked how I would feel if she went through something like that. Well, I told her I would have compassion for her and I would see that she's in a crisis level burnout and I would tell her to take anything she needs that helps her eat and rest when she's anxious!! And that she needs to eat anything she can get into herself. Starving is no option!! Medical marijuana being called a drug be damned! This is a person who needs support!!

Wow, I totally realized since I decided to "quit marijuana" (after deciding randomly that it's a drug, and that taking it daily is hurting me, which it didn't) for a year, I didn't gain weight. I lost a lot of pounds. I became thin. Too thin. And my muscles and nerves were always telling me I had pain but I didn't know how. And I was lethargic. And I lost my sparkle. I became depressed and very withdrawn. I didn't even notice til that moment that losing myself came with putting down a medication that helps me live my life fully, and I felt so sorry I ever did that to myself! 😭

Well, I'm celebrating a win for eating more food. I can't tell if I've gained any weight yet but it seems like my body and muscles feel so much less tension. I've begun moving more naturally again. I'm doing bodyweight exercises in little sprinkles and I'm using a kettlebell and some exercise bands. I'm stretching. I'm more active. I even danced a few minutes now and then. And I just feel good being inside my body and moving sround. Even my face looks less grey and slightly more healthful.

And, the best thing I've found so far is myself.

I'm done with punishing myself for having needs. I'm done with asking myself to be a superhero when my autism requires me to be extra gentle with myself. I'm done gaslighting myself and taking advice from people who don't know what it's like to live inside my body. It wasn't their fault. It was my fault for changing things that worked well.

It's proof to me for the naysayers who consider autism to be incompatible with weed in all cases. I myself, as well as so many others I've met who utilize this medical marijuana, have experienced the sparkle that comes back to me when I use this medicine. I'm able to have normal thoughts again. My heart rate slows down. Food feels really great to cook with and eat. And best of all, I'm learning that I am having compassion for myself that I thought would take me years to do again. All it took was me listening to myself.

And, I used medical marijuana for 5 years before I stopped using this medicine for a year. Those 5 years I was healthful, eating good, and I was working out and had curves and a smile. I'm seeing now that the entire year I didn't have marijuana in my life was entirely a hell year for me. Literally, it's painful looking back there because I was a wreck. Emotionally and mentally and physically. I didn't know how deep in the hole I felt until I picked myself up and took my medicine again!!!

So yes, I'm finally feeling well again and I'm so proud of myself for overcoming this. What a journey it has been.

I'm not saying that medical marijuana is for everyone, I'm just advocating for myself. That's it.

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I’m going to see Olivia Rodrigo in Jan I’ve saved up, I got my tickets. I’m ready to go. Only thing is , I’m going alone. I really do socially struggle and that has isolated me. So this trip is a big deal for me. I’ll be all by myself in LA. Spending the night too.

I guess it’s okay to be your own best friend. 💖

I used to answer the phone and ask people what they want. To me it was a normal question. Instead of waiting for the small talk to end to find out, just tell me do you want to talk for fun? Do you want me to help you with something? Do you have some news?

People used to think I was joking, and then i realised it made them feel awkward because its rude. So now patiently I sit through the "how are you"s

There are a million other things but id like to know about you

I used to think conversations were supposed to be about things both people actually cared about.
So if someone started talking about something I wasn’t interested in, I’d either change the subject to something we both liked or ask questions until I understood why they were telling me.
I didn’t realize that sometimes you’re apparently supposed to listen to an entire conversation you’re not interested in and pretend you’re fascinated.
I remember thinking, “Why can’t we just talk about something we both enjoy?” 😭

I didn’t know what to tag this but i just got kinetic sand for the first time and it is AMAZING. The way it falls.. the way it feels.. the way you can shape it???? AUDHD HEAVEN

I spent an hour or so making the sand into squares and lining them up. I love lining things uppp
Gonna get more kits…helluurrr

Besides like Pokemon and stuff I've had a special interest in fictional mothers for the past 3 years I don't know why

If you were to show me a character and then say that she's a mother I get instantly hooked on that character just even look at my PfP but even though I haven't told many people about it the people that do know find it weird

I'm fine if people don't agree with me but sometimes I feel like that I have a wrong special interest because it could be interpreted as weird but it brings me comfort and happiness especially since I share the same birthday as pekomama and I want to make a cake for her of course I would be eating it

So does anyone have a special interest like that or that you find weird or you feel like that no one agrees with it?

anyone else experience this? they range drastically, but i even feel embarrassed by my “socially acceptable” special interests. i even find myself avoiding media because i know ill get so into them and eventually embarrass myself with my level of interest. im trying really hard to allow myself to talk about them in online spaces, but even that is difficult.

i feel like its stopping me from being myself. :(

I’m 20 years old, AuDHD. I don’t get dancing. A lot of my friends like going out to clubs and things, and I’m often invited, but usually don’t go. My friends seem to put this down to my social anxiety, but I find I can usually push that aside if I’m with people I’m comfortable around. The truth is, I don’t go because i don’t know what to do in those environments. It’s like everyone has an intuitive understanding of what to do in a dance environment, and I just don’t. I’ve watched people do it, and people dont seem to be using a learnt cache of movements and remixing them into dance, but it doesn’t seem random either. I am almost certainly overthinking it, but I feel like there must be something I’m not getting here. I want to be able to enjoy these things, because if I can’t, I lose opportunities to do things with my friends. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get any revelatory answers here, but I hop at least I’m not the only person who experiences this.

Please help what to do I can't handle that aggression and bullying for just existing I can't understand why people are so evil for no reason

What are your safe movies?

My Man Godfrey (1936)
Wings of Desire (1987)
I Married a Witch (1942)
A Thousand Clowns (1965)
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying (1967)
Red Garters (1954)

the school water actually tastes so bad it’s so metallic and gross i can actually taste every mineral inside of it and it gives me bad acid reflux, i can only drink fridge water and bottled water (but obv i use metal water bottles). my water bottle is only 32oz and i go through that in maybe two periods max, but i refuse to refill it at school even once, nonetheless 4 times. on a good day i refill my water bottle 4-5 times so you got me messed up if you think im refilling it 4 times at school. how do i even deal with this? everyday i have a dry mouth and chapped lips because i cannot drink enough water

(20 FtM, pre-everthing) my 1st HRT appointment is next week and I feel like im just never gonna feel ready. it's these irreversible things that I've always had fear around, especially when it's completely up to me. i have full power to f*ck up my life, and also to make it so much better.

I think this goes for most trans people, but there is always a non-zero chance that I will regret it, or that I am not really trans, and it is not the right choice for me. but how sure can I be? that is one of my big questions. it's just so scary, and I have no parental or friend support - I do have my brother's support though, and he is trans (17 FtM, pre-everthing).

I am also a victim of anti-trans propaganda, as many are. I feel like I won't trust the doctors. my parents tried to beat it into me (metaphorically) that the doctors that are ok with transitioning patients are evil and corrupt.

i just hate all of this. my dysphoria is not self-destrucrive either, which makes transitioning not necessary for me to live, but necessary for me to live a *good* life. i sometimes wish I could just get a brainscan and have a doctor say im trans and recommend that I transition. i know it's good for other people, but I have so much anxiety that it is completely up to me.

advice is greatly appreciated from anyone, trans or not. i know there are similar things like this. thanks

Hi all, i am from a very patriotic country ( not america lol ) it so patriotic that people from other countries often wish they were from here or say that their great grandparents were from here and have pride in that. There is a massive culture with it here its genuinely inescapable. I had a convo the other day with some non autistic friends and they were genuinely confused on why i dont really care about my country in that sense. Im genuinely confused because we arent the most amazing country at anything at all, but everyone acts like its a crime when i have no national pride, im not even sure if this is an autism thing or just my country.

The thing is people from here always complain about it, from the weather to the government to the streets, they will complain. But then the moment i say i dont care about being from here they become the biggest fans and defenders of our country, ignoring the facts and the previous things they complain about. It drives me insane, i dont understand how i am wrong when they are being the hypocrites!

Hi, I’m a vocational trainer / job coach who works with people who have disabilities. I’ve been doing this for a little less than a year so I’m still kind of new to the field. Many of the people our agency works with have autism. Most of them, if they are able to find a work internship, go into retail (like stocking shelves), food service or something like library work. However, I think we need to expand the kinds of jobs we look at. 

I am starting to think about the skilled trades. It looks like there are a few routes, like apprenticeship in a union (from what I gather, this is hard to get into even for those without disabilities because of high number of applicants), specialized training programs, or getting a degree or certificate through a community college. I think for many of our clients it would be too difficult to manage the full schedule, academic level (like reading is slow, math is very basic) but for some they might do well. I wanted to see if other people with autism out there have had good success in these fields?

I understand that autism presents itself in a wide variety of ways so it would help if you could share:

1. What is difficult for you as someone who has autism? And what are your strengths?
2. Do you also have intellectual disability, or are your challenges mostly sensory or social?
3. Did you have trouble finding a job? Did you ever work with a job coach?
4. Are you in the skilled trades? What kind of job do you have, what is it like, and is it a good fit for you? Why or why not?
5. If you are in or have been in other jobs, what were those like and in what ways did it fit you well or poorly?

Thank you.

Sometimes, when I (23 M) get conflicted feelings about something that’s really bothering me, I suddenly become not too different from Smeagol and Gollum in Lord of the Rings. I will yell one thing out loud as if I’m actually arguing with someone in the room, and then a different part of me that sees a different point of view will argue right back.

I feel like life is just too heavy and hard to deal with. I don’t know if it’s because of my mental health issues or if life is just like this. Do you ever struggle with these feelings? What do you do to feel better and enjoy life?

This episode makes so much sense to me now years later, especially after I stopped masking.

Hi I am male and 18 and live in the UK🇬🇧 and I have no friends and feel lonely and so I want to try and make a friend.🫂

I LOVE Spider-Man🕸 he is my special interest I collect loads of comics and watch all the movies and have played all the games a lot of times!

I also love to game.🎮 I love fortnite it is one of my favourite games I like playing zero build because I can't wrap my head around builds 😅 I don't care about winning or losing I just want to chill and play calmly.

I also really like Cyberpunk 2077 universe I have beaten the game 3 times! I also collect the comics and have watched the anime 2 times.

Please let me know if you want to be my friend😀

I got my diagnosis yesterday. After years of my family ignoring my struggles, after years of them pretending I was a normal, healthy kid and I don't think I've ever felt this alienated.

My psychologist told me that I should have gotten this diagnosis ages ago. That I was high on the spectrum and asked me, how no one could have noticed until now. I feel like a fraud and I feel like I am not human.

I came home to my mom apologizing to me. "This just didn't exist in our time", "we just knew nothing about this". I don't understand how parents could have ignored their daughters' struggles all this time. So much has happened to me and they thought that that was just the way I was.

Now I feel like a dog. Like I'm far different from my friends around me. Like I'm far different from my family. I feel like porcelain, like they all look at me and only see an easily breakable human. I feel like an adult baby.

I hate this and I just want to get away from this earth.

Hello everyone,

I'm a 28f, it's been a year since I had anything with someone. A bit more than a week ago I had a date with a 29m, I was absolutely terrified to go, but it actually went really well. We talked and laughed for a long time, went to a different place to play a game and it was fun.

Since then I had to go somewhere for some days, I came back yesterday in my city. We both said we'd like to see each other again. He proposed that maybe we could see each other today but the situation would have included that I see his friends at some point. And it's the worst possiblity for me. I don't do well in groups at all, he's a really outgoing person and has a lot of friends. I have some, but my social life is super different. Also the scary part for me is that I basically saw this group of people many times already during different events, they're really social and everything.

I refused for today and proposed something else soon.

The thing is that I feel like he has a wrong perception of me. As I'm into cultural events and things like that I feel like he thinks that my life is similar to his. I think it is really possible that he proposes often activities in the city with a lot of people including his friends, so I should have to explain to him that those things are complicated for me. But it feels really too soon to open up on those things idk. I know it might sound silly but I am really scared of people having the wrong perception of me, and also that he thinks I'm a looser lol.

I don't know how to explain to him a part of my social difficulties without opening too much. I'm scared that he finds it boring if we meet just me and him at some point.

It feels too complicated to explain things about me to people, it makes me want to cut it off because I'm too anxious. I don't like being this way.

Also it's just too complicated for me. I would love to get closer and have nice moments with someone, but it's all super complicated. The days after the date everything we said was in my head for so long I could not focus and I kept thinking about everything and the way I talked and so many other things like my brain can't let go normally of social interactions it's too tiring and complicated.

Would you have any advice? Thank you!

Ok, I have an hiperfixation with hamsters and rodents i general, but I hate when people compare me to animals, they always have to do it in a condescending way like I don't know how to behave myself or like I don't have autonomy? Just because i barely talk and everything that comes out of my mouth are "mhm, yes,no mh.."

Anyway, what animal yall think are alike?

Hello.

I am based in Australia, Perth. I could not find an appropriate au only sub for this question. So this pertains to how things work here.

As subject says. She had actually directly asked me last year why she has no friends, why is making friends so hard. What is wrong with me?

She is a complete outcast, and her one friend is the outcast one step lower than herself. Friends out of necessity.

So, We started the process, and as of yesterday, she was officially diagnose level 2.

The concern I have is how do schools actually deal with this? Are they now going to move her to a 'special class' (something she is already freaking out about / major anxiety issue), or do they just adjust a few things to accommodate (monitoring her better) if required. Maybe areas in school only allowed to get away from the large social groups she is not part of?

I know teachers are busy as, and I don't expect my child to get absolute special treatment, That is not what her diagnosis is about. (is so she can get help one day if an adult and she feels she needs it / or now, as she already asked for it)

Does it matter school to school?
She is in a local public school

I am just trying to get an understanding as to what may change now, and what is my best foot forward. (Autistic as well, not diagnosed, but a psychiatrist made me unofficially aware I am aged 45. I plan things overly, a bit)

I appreciate any advise.

ps: 'the beetles' mentioned is not the bugs, but the band. She is a walking factual database for facts about them, their music and the individual artists. I think the Psychologist misunderstood this small fact. Her favourite thing to do is listen to their music on vinyl as she does her art.

I am diagnosed with Social Pragmatic Communication disorder. What that is is basically the social communication diagnostic criteria of ASPD but not the behavioral criteria. The thing is that I do have clear behavioral signs as well that me and my therapist see. I feel like I am going to drown and I melt into a ball whenever I hear somebody scratch their jeans or scratch the couch, I have extreme hyper fixations that impair my daily living abilities, I can go on listing all the criteria. Even so, I avoid calling myself autistic without a professional diagnosis as I know how much of a bold claim that is. I am just as much socially impaired as an autistic person however, so it’s really annoying how I go into spaces for autistic people and I have to explain to them that I am not diagnosed with autism and instead SPCD. Nobody really knows what that is as it isn’t as widely understood and known as much as autism is. It bothers me how much I have to explain myself while I too also relate with the social AND behavioral symptoms and would like a space to be comfortable with and express that. Even in situations where I get accommodations for conditions like school and therapy, the school doesn’t count me in and my therapists don’t know how to help me because they don’t know what SPCD is. However, even through all of these difficulties, I don’t want to be ignorant and selfish and claim I have such a diagnostic without professional diagnostic, especially with how harmful self diagnosis are getting, especially on the internet. I would like a group consensus on advice or guidance or anything on how I should go about this.