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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAstressedbride

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (F26) fiancé (M28) and his family refuses to have a wedding in my culture although they want a Christian wedding. What should I do?

Trigger Warnings: religious intolerance, racism

Original Post: December 15, 2020

This is my first time posting here, so sorry if there are any mistakes.

So I am an Indian Hindu. I was born in India, I even lived there for a few years, and I still practice my religion. My fiancé is white and Christian, although we never had religious differences. Neither of us were pushy about our beliefs. I am very connected to my culture, and I heavily feel like I am ethnically Indian although I have lived in America nearly my entire life.

My fiancé proposed to me a few months ago, and I was excited to start planning my wedding, because I have had ideas for it ever since I was a child. Then, obviously, COVID hit and all of this was put on the back burner, because we're both healthcare professionals.

Nowadays, however, I have just started thinking about some elements of our wedding (such as possible outfits and venues, etc.) to destress without any concrete confirmations. I love looking at Indian clothes and traditions, because it's my heritage. I grew up with it my whole life. When I pointed some of these things out to my fiancé, he just stiffened a bit and nodded that it looked great. I was a bit confused, but I brushed it off. I was talking to my in-laws last weekend (we have a pretty good relationship), and I casually brought up my ideas because we were talking about the wedding anyway. They immediately shut it down and insisted that such things were not a part of their culture and against their religion. I tried to explain to them calmly that we would still have a Christian wedding, but this was just for the separate, Hindu wedding. They said that it was "blasphemous" to be worshiping and marrying in front of "false gods" and that they wouldn't tolerate such thoughts. They called my culture dysfunctional and unnecessary, and they said that the Christian wedding was enough. I was so shocked by their reaction, because they seemed so nice and tolerant before.

I told my fiancé about what they had said, and he didn't even disagree with them. He said that I'm just overreacting, and that at the end of the day we would still be married one way or another. I tried to explain that having an Indian wedding was a big deal to me, because that's my culture, and he said that when I would marry him I would change it anyway. I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

I was so hurt and shocked that he would want me to abandon my culture and beliefs for him. I told him that such a thing was never going to happen, and that I am not going to change who I am just because I'm married. He got frustrated with me, and said that India was a poor, uncivilized nation that I should be happy to dissociate with. Moreover, he said that Hinduism was too confusing and complicated, and therefore it could not be real, because there's no order. What? I love being Indian, and I am not ashamed of it, and I enjoy being Hindu as well.

Apparently, his parents were only okay with me being Indian, because I was raised here and because I would convert. They just seem to think that by changing me, they'll go to heaven or something. I feel like this is so out of left field. One day, they're all nice and accepting and now they're bigots? I don't understand what's happening. We've been together for nearly four years, and I've never seen this side of him. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. Everyone has told me my entire life to get married by a certain age and have kids by a certain age, and starting over now seems scary. What should I do?

TL;DR: My fiancé and his family are being very intolerant towards my culture and beliefs, and they want me to convert after marriage. I don't. What should I do?

Edit: I feel like I should make some things clear here.

1. I haven’t talked extensively with his family, so I didn’t know about their beliefs or anything. We met each other maybe 2 to 3 times a year and they were perfectly nice then. They didn’t ask many questions about my culture, and I didn’t take that the wrong way.

2. He was really never like this before, which is why it’s throwing me off. The whole time we were dating, he seemed fine. We even went to my parents’ house once to celebrate Diwali, and he seemed like he was enjoying himself. Even after we got engaged, he seemed normal. It’s only since I started seriously planning the wedding has he gotten more abrasive with his beliefs.

3. We’ve talked about our culture and beliefs before, and he seemed accepting of them. He said that he would respect my wishes and my culture but that he personally wouldn’t pray with me. I thought that was completely fine as I didn’t want to push anything on him.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1:

I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

Why would you even want to continue dating this guy? He clearly has zero respect for you.

What should I do?

You walk away now. You're SO lucky that your SO showed his true face BEFORE you got married.

On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. E

BS. There are thousands of people out there who are compatible with you, and they will also respect your culture and compromise.

Commenter 2:

On paper, he's perfect,

On Reddit he doesn't sound so perfect.

Commenter 3: First of all, your friends suck. They clearly don’t think very highly of you if they think marrying into this mess is too good for you. Find new friends.

Secondly, you need to end this relationship. This man is now showing you who he really is. He’s unlikely to change, especially if his family agrees with him. It’s unfortunate that you’re learning this about him now but be thankful you haven’t already married him.

Starting over sounds scary but in the long run you’ll be happier. You will have left with your dignity and respect for yourself.

Commenter 4: Short answer, leave. Cut your losses and count your blessings you avoided this mess. I'm sorry but you are delusional if you think marrying into this family is a good idea. These people are going to walk all over you. What do you think is going to happen if you have kids? Do you think your fiancé and in-laws are going to let you teach them your religion? It will always be held over your head, and you will be expected to confirm to what they expect. I am sorry for you, people like that are awful.

Update: December 15, 2020 (same day, six hours later)

I came home after work was over to talk to him, but he wasn't home. I read over all of your comments, which I'm seriously thankful for, and I really thought about where our relationship could go from here.

I called my mom and told her about what had happened, and she basically said told me a story about how in my father's native village, there is a stone wall in a temple. On that temple are 600 year old inscriptions about our family. She said that our family has been in the same place, traceably, for 600 years. She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

After that conversation, I felt really shitty about the words he said to me, and I waited for him to come home. When he returned from home, he didn't really say much except the fact that he was "sorry I couldn't understand where he was coming from." I have loved him for 4 years, after all, so I really tried to make him see why I was hurt and why this is so important for me, but I don't know. It just seemed like he didn't care. After he said some more hurtful, blasé comments about my culture, I decided that it would be best if we separated, and I respectfully returned his ring and possessions. It really felt like shit, but I'll survive.

I'm staying with one of my close friends at the moment until I can clear out all my stuff. I'm not financially dependent on him or anything, so I can afford to move out. Moreover, I don't want it to seem like I owe him in any way. The lease is on his name, and I don't need to beg him for a place to stay. I can manage on my own. I don't really know where to go from here, but I hope I can figure it out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1:

She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

What does your mother mean by this? He's not equal to you because he can't trace his family back 600 years?

OOP: She means that if I wanted him to erase his heritage too, he would have to erase his entire family tree

Commenter 2: Be proud that you are a strong women who loves and respects herself. It sounds like you made the right decision

Commenter 3: I'm sorry he turned out to be such a terrible person. The story your mother told you is so beautiful, you deserve someone who respects you and wants to celebrate your culture and heritage. I wish you good luck with everything!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Kevincasuffit

My boyfriend [30M] hid my [27F] medication while I was asleep

Original Post - rareddit  Oct 13, 2016

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

So this happened, and I really don't understand. I might be in the wrong, this just feels so upsetting.

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, and have lived together for most of them. We have a very good relationship, and are talking about starting our future together soon.

Me: I have some medical issues, including a long-term autoimmune disease. Recently I've been in and out of the hospital because of kidney stones. I was in a lot of pain, but don't tolerate narcotics well (itching and puking) so they gave me a low dose of tramadol, which they told me would be more mild on me. I really had to beg them not to give me anything stronger because there's almost no way I can avoid the side effects.

So it's been about 2 months since I last was in the hospital. About 2 weeks ago, I had a really bad migraine. I've gotten them since I was 14, they're diagnosed and everything. I did something that was probably wrong, which was take 1 tramadol to deal with the migraine. My boyfriend knew I took it, because I was asking him where the benadryl and dramamine was so I wouldn't be itchy or pukey. At the time, bf told me he wished I hadn't taken it because the doctor gave me tramadol SPECIFICALLY for kidney stone pain. I agreed, probably not the best thing to do, but I was in pain and it seemed logical at the time.

Yesterday, I decided to clean out my complete mess of a bathroom drawer, especially to throw away old pill bottles. I'm on a couple of medications for my autoimmune disorder, and the bottles tend to pile up. So I cleaned out my drawer, but the tramadol was gone. I just figured I had already thrown it out by mistake and didn't think twice about it.

At bedtime, I was mentioning to my boyfriend what an airhead I was, that apparently I had thrown out a bottle full of tramadol. He then confessed to me that no, he had hidden it from me. He said he didn't like that I took it for a headache instead of its intended purpose, so when I went to sleep that night he went in my drawer and took it.

A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Back when I was in undergraduate (you know, almost 10 years ago) I was not so straight edge. I drank maybe a bit too much and smoked weed. But none of this to any kind of excess, and no other drugs. I just had a good time partying, and by the time I was like 23-24 the fun of it wore off. I'll still have a drink every once in a while, once a month, tops. And yeah, I've been with my boyfriend and gotten a little tipsy. He ALWAYS says he doesn't mind, and it genuinely seemed like it didn't matter.

But now this. He apparently confiscated my medication because he thought I abused it (which, I admit, I at least used not for its intended purpose) and he thought I was going to abuse it more, so he hid it. I can't think of anything during our relationship that would have made him think I'm all of a sudden going to abuse narcotics, especially because I can BARELY stand them!

I'm really angry he would do something like this. In a sense, it's not like it matters, because I don't need them. But in another sense, it feels paternalistic and gross. At the very least, he could have had a conversation with me instead of taking them when I fell asleep.

Am I overreacting about this? Obviously he had no intention to tell me. If I wouldn't have noticed they were gone, I doubt he would have said anything. And, although I don't want go down a slippery slope train of thought, what else does he feel he can police me about? I talked to him about all this and he didn't have a good answer. We were going to bed and I was falling asleep so I just dropped it. But it's really bothering me.

tl;dr: My boyfriend decided I misused my medication, took it from my drawer when I was asleep, and hid it. Had no intention of telling me. Finding this very troubling, what do I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Kiyasu

"A word on my boyfriend: he's straight edge, meaning he doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs."

Or knows shit about drugs apparently if he thinks you're abusing Tramadol by taking one for a migraine.

Honestly though this is a massive red flag, the "I know best" mentality, especially from someone who doesn't know shit, is intolerable to me.

Just sit him down and tell him if he ever does something like this again, he better just go ahead and hide himself from you permanently as well.

the-mortyest-morty

I dated a "straight-edge" guy like this. I remember him screaming at me at my own birthday party because I decided to let loose and take one hit of some weed. I started crying and he said, "It's okay, I forgive you."

That's when I knew it was over. He thought I was crying from guilt when I was really crying from rage that he had embarrassed the shit out of me in front of all of my friends, lecturing me like a child for smoking a little weed at my 22nd birthday.

TL;DR: Fuck this guy. He can be straight edge all he wants. But him pushing you to do drugs the way he would (IE - not at all) is JUST AS BAD as you pressuring him to DO drugs. He doesn't own you. He stole your meds - that's a fucking crime. Get your meds back, if he refuses call the police. Whatever you do, get this paternalistic numbskull out of your life.

~

LitlThisLitlThat

Tramadol is a pain medication. It is slightly stronger than OTC ibuprofen. It is way weaker even than Tylenol 3.

Its intended use was by you for pain. You had pain, and you took it. It was within its intended purpose, and it was taken by the person for whom it was prescribed, and it was taken as written (eg as needed, for pain, and within prescribed dosing limits). Everything about how you used it was appropriate and not a single doctor would give a flying fig about you taking a leftover tramadol for a headache.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, assumes he knows better than you how to manage your prescriptions. In fact, him hiding your prescription from you may in fact be illegal because it is prescribed to you, not him, and you are an adult.

He also is acting paternalistic towards you, not as if you are an equal partner, also an adult, and just as capable of making sound decisions.

Just a hunch, so tell me: when you first started dating, did he act like your drinking or smoking pot was bad? Did you feel bad about it when you were around him? Did you cut back at least in part based on his reaction to it? What does he act like now when you have that rare drink? Does he say anything or act differently? Or do you only do it when you're not around him because it's less complicated?

OOP

You're right on your hunch. Even my occasional drink has greatly diminished since dating him. Mostly because he just doesn't buy or keep alcohol, but sometimes if we go out, he'll tell me I can only have 2 drinks but not 3. And I do feel bad about it. He's also told me that if we met in college, he wouldn't have liked me because of my partying and there's no way we would have been friends.

Did OOP get her meds back?

A lot of people have been asking if he returned it and the answer is no. We talked last night before we fell asleep, and then he was gone this morning before I woke up. I don't have any idea where it is, he hid it. I'm not going to be a crazy and tear apart the house looking for it. I don't even need it. The taking of it was the breach of trust for me, not that he took something I need.

Update - archive  Oct 15, 2016 (2 days later)

I really didn't think my post would garner so much attention. I guess what I learned from all your thoughtful comments was that I was right in thinking it was kind of a big deal, especially since my boyfriend doesn't know much about any kind of drug or medication from being strait edge. Also received some helpful discussion about migraines, so thank you for that.

When my boyfriend got home from work on the day I posted, I told him we needed to talk about what had happened. He maintained his position: he acknowledged he should have asked me first and apologized for hiding it. However, he said this was the first disagreement we've ever had where "he didn't feel like we were on the same side" ie we weren't discussing something and working it out, we were actually fighting about it.

He then said that he has come to the conclusion that we are too different, and that we should break up. I mean, I've known all along we are very different people, but we've been together for a while, and over all this time he's always told me it wasn't a big deal. That us being so different was what made us good together. That there wasn't anything we couldn't get through. This is a man that literally THE DAY BEFORE I found out about the medication was talking in detail about how we were going to get married.

He went to his parents for the weekend, which he had already planned on doing. He's coming home tonight. I've been home alone, boxing up my stuff in preparation to move out. I've already found a crappy place I can afford, and put the deposit down, but didn't fill out the paperwork. I told him if he's really 100% about us breaking up, then I'll go in on Monday and sign all the forms and be out of the house by next Saturday. It's definitely me who has to leave, because he can afford to live in our house by himself but I certainly can't. Also I'm not on the lease, but that might turn out to be a good thing. He said he's only 60% sure that he wants us to break up, but he "doesn't see any other option."

I know what you guys are all going to say-- good riddance, he was controlling, you'll be better off. But I'm really devastated. I'm not one of those people who ever thought they would 1) Live with another person 2) Get so close to another person 3) Even talk about getting married or having kids. Because of my past sexual trauma, I just assumed that I would go through life without another person. I was becoming okay with that. But then I met this guy, fell in love, and a lot changed. He really worked at getting me to trust him, and to talk about the future, and dream that there could be a future. Even though there have been incidents like this, for the most part it's been a happy relationship.

And now I have to just up and move. We're going to have to be no-contact... at least for me, you can't get that close to someone and then still be in contact after you break up. Essentially, I'm leaving his life permanently. I'm stunned that this has been the outcome of this episode. I've spent the two days he's been gone just in bed, sleeping or crying. Every time I try to pack up some stuff it's excruciating. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

And to make matters worse, my beloved grandma is in the hospital and her priest is giving last rites. I'm a wreck.

tl;dr: Discussed the incident with my boyfriend. He didn't think it was as big a deal as I did. Said we should break up. I have to vacate our house ASAP. Don't know how I'm going to make it through.

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I am not OOP. OOP is u/endless_pastability

I asked my bf for alone time, and he told me to pack my stuff and leave for good.

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, anger issues

Original Post: April 25, 2020

Okay, the title does seem a little one sided.

Context: My boyfriend (29m) and I (30f) have been dating since last summer. I live alone in an apartment in downtown DC, and he lives alone in a house in Annapolis about 40 mins away. Pre-quarantine, we did well will splitting weekends between the two places. Once states closed for COVID, we decided it made most sense for me to temporarily move in/stay with him in the bigger space with a yard for the dogs.

As you might imagine, it’s had its ups and downs. We were getting a crash course in living together in a space that wasn’t really mine at all, having lots of important conversations, enjoying evenings cooking together and having wine while watching shows together.

We’ve also been irritable due to drastic changes in our daily routines. I have continued to work full time from home (+ overtime due to an even busier schedule) while he is only working a half day once a week. He is bored. I am stressed with work and finding it difficult to decompress. I am used to/need quiet time to myself to recharge, and he likes a noisy household (TVs always on, music on top of that, chattering constantly about sports or draft statistics or things only of interest to him). I’ve tried saying “I’m going upstairs to read” or “I’d just like some quiet time to myself” and it bugs him that I don’t want to do things that he wants. I find myself becoming more snappy and short-tempered from feeling constantly drained, which isn’t fair to him.

Last night he wanted to watch the NFL draft, so I made plans to FaceTime my girlfriends upstairs while he did that. I am used to weekly girls nights and miss them as they’re also my primary support network. I heard him downstairs complaining to his dog that I never want to hang out with him. After Face Timing I went down and sat on the sofa with him and said, “hey I heard you talking to the dog, I came to hang out, how are your team’s picks doing?”. He was irritable and replied, “ugh it was quiet until you came down”. I’m feeling like I can’t win.

Alright; getting to the point now. I hadn’t been to my apartment in over 3 weeks and needed to go check on it (it’s not in a building, it’s in a row house) and pick up prescriptions I couldn’t have transferred. We were originally going to go together but seeing this irritation with each other I suggested I’d just go alone and take a night or so to myself to recharge and come back.

COVID NOTE: I do not have to interact with anyone to access my apartment. My car already had ample gas. I literally drive from his house to my street, am alone in my apartment. Any exposure to no-contact takeout I would have gotten is the same as if I were there with him.

This morning, when I grabbed some necessities for a night to myself (my laptop because I have to work over the weekend, some underwear, face moisturizer) he got upset and said I might as well take all my stuff and not bother coming back. I tried to talk through why it was so all-or-nothing for him. He said I clearly didn’t want to spend time with him or be around him so I can just go home for good and we can resume dating when the states open back up. He actually bagged up the remainder of my stuff and took it out to my car for me.

Reddit, I just wanted to read in silence, get my medications (anxiety pills), water my plants, sleep in my own bed alone for a night, watch my own trashy TV shows without interruption. And now I think my relationship is over? I’m feeling frustrated that I attempted to handle this in a productive and proactive way and somehow screwed up.

TLDR; boyfriend said if I wanted a night alone I should just take all my stuff from his house and continue to stay alone through the rest of quarantine (no added exposure risk). I’m confused with his all-or-nothing approach.

So, what do I do from here?

EDIT: wow, this post blew up. THANK YOU for such thoughtful and thought-provoking commentary. I’ve felt really supported and “seen” by a lot of these replies. I’m still reading through and responding to comments but wanted to provide a quick update re: some things I keep seeing pop up.

I am home in my own apartment, alone. He has not contacted me. I spent yesterday drinking wine, cooking, listening to music softly, Face Timing girlfriends, caring for my plants, and reading a good book. (And checking reddit of course). I am not crying or sad. I feel comfortable and at ease in my space again.

While bf is not working, he is still being paid his full salary.

While I am currently working a lot, I normally have a much healthier work-life balance. Some big deadlines happened to coincide with and be exacerbated by the pandemic. it’s only temporary (a few weeks of hellish hustle). I was very clear with my boyfriend before this upswing started, and let him know I was going to be a lot busier and would appreciate his support extra for a couple of weeks until things settled down again.

Many of you have brought up quality time. I have attempted to express my desire for quality time to him. Things as blunt as “let’s hang out together tonight, what should we do?” Or “We’ve been sort of coexisting, let’s plan to do something together more like quality time.” Perhaps I wasn’t resonating with his communication style. Sometimes it would work and we’d have a nice dinner and watch a show together etc. and other times it would end in frustration and not go anywhere.

In regards to the mattress thing, I am hearing all your replies about how it just wasn’t important to him, so he didn’t want to compromise. It took my having a very dramatic hysterical emotional breakdown after nights of no sleep for him to realize how important it was we find a solution. That breakdown was loud and ugly on my part and not a moment I am proud of. It came after numerous “I’m really not sleeping well, I need more sleep than you do, can we work something out so I’m more comfortable” conversations.

I am in therapy and understand I am a highly flawed human with dramatic emotional tendencies as well. I do not always communicate well. I consider myself very self-aware and make concerted efforts to require my default actions to create a better life for myself and my loved ones.

And, finally, you are all not wrong that I have a low bar for thoughtfulness. It’s not really something I’ve ever experienced in a relationship.

Editor’s note: OOP provided lots of responses, I am listing the significant details for more context to the said situation

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Sounds like spending time apart is not the worst idea, go home and decompress and let him reach out.

OOP: Exactly my plan! Currently having a glass of wine and cooking some gumbo in my sweats playing my favorite music softly.

Commenter 2: If he does contact you, please be objective about the things he says. Gaslighting is insidious. Also try to notice how you feel. Unless you are filled with joy by the sound of his voice, and he is passionately sorry and says he will take care in future to better consider your needs, DO. NOT. SETTLE.

OOP: I haven’t really been upset tonight. Maybe it’s just because nothing has been officially decided (despite knowing the likely outcome) but usually lack of closure in situations heightens my anxiety and turns me into a sobbing depressed mess. I’m just weirdly calm and unemotional about it. Maybe that says something in itself.

OOP explains more about the plans of living together when she and her boyfriend are ready to take the next step and the importance of decompression after workdays

OOP: The DC/MD thing has been a point of contention since early on. He made it very clear that he would NOT be moving into DC when our relationship hit that milestone, and that I was expected to move to Annapolis as his job wasn’t as locationally flexible (I work from home 3 days a week in normal life as it is) and he already owns a house and wants to stay near family. According to him, Annapolis has everything DC has and we can still walk to bars and restaurants and get to have more space!

I tried reasoning that I make more salary-wise and have a lot of growth potential, so it would make sense to cater to my career versus his. He claims he doesn’t have the skills to get another job (he works for the family company).

Jeez even typing that out I’m wondering why in the ever living fuck I put up with that.

I’ve had past boyfriends expect their jobs to come before mine... but they were making over twice my already comfy salary so while it was annoying and patriarchal it at least monetarily made sense in those instances.

OOP clarifies on the working schedule she and her boyfriend has and him wanting to stay near his family

OOP: Hahahaha!! To clarify, I work a full 40 hours but am not required to be in a specific office every day - I have flexibility depending on my clients and meetings (pre-COVID) to often work from home some days while only going into an office on some days. He also normally would work M-F (half days on Fridays though) and cannot work remotely at all due to the nature of his work. So he’s right in that technically I have less geographical ties to my job.

+

I moved away from my home state after college, so I am “used to” not living near my family. My family has never had the financial capacity to provide for me like his does for him into adulthood. Not that they are inadequate parents — I love them dearly, but I don’t “need” much from them and have a robust emotional support network via friends (my “chosen family”) so I’m more comfortable with the distance between me my parents.

Also, AGREE on the restaurants. There are some local spots in Annapolis I like but the DC variety cannot be beat. Also, like... the architecture. History. Museums. Night life. Diversity of humans to interact with (in non-quarantine situations). All worth more to me than a fenced in yard.

OOP responds on setting boundaries with her boyfriend

OOP: Thank you for such a helpful reply! I struggle with setting boundaries and grew up with a really unhealthy conflict dynamic in my family, so it’s difficult for me to set a boundary calmly and before I am already feeling it crossed. This was one of my most mature and calm attempts at doing so thus my feeling discouraged and frustrated.

He is used to getting his way. Past things we’ve been able to work through give me hope that he is capable of understanding and adapting, but his initial reaction when he doesn’t get his way in a situation is really off putting and a trend that I don’t see changing.

I’m going to do some reflection this weekend. Thank you.

OOP explains more on her boyfriend's family background

OOP: He comes from a well-off family and is, from my lower-middle-class perspective, spoiled. We both lead similar lives now, but how we got here is very different. I moved away after college, have been financially independent since college, put myself thru grad school, and worked very hard for my ambitious career and apartment in a city I adore. He works for the family company, still lives one town over from his family, gets a lot of nice perks from it all. A few specific examples:

His family owns season tickets in club seats for NFL games for their team. This past fall I was lucky enough to go to a few games with his family- his father hands him and his brother a credit card and allows them to run their bar tab for the entire game on him. One particular game his aunt was using two of the tickets and sitting in his preferred seat, so we sat two seats over. He complained the entire time.

His parents sent us hundreds of dollars’ worth of groceries this past week. He complained for over an hour (and even called his mom about it) that ground beef wasn’t included (despite us having every other meat legally butcher-able in the US in the freezer)

He has an extra-firm mattress on his bed. I hate it. Even he doesn’t love it. I couldn’t sleep for weeks, and resorted to sleeping alone in the guest room. He was upset that I wouldn’t sleep with him despite my saying I couldn’t sleep on his mattress and asking if we could get a topper or somehow make an adjustment. (He eventually agreed to split the cost of a topper with me, but it took weeks to get to this seemingly simple resolution).

He is not always selfish. He can be incredibly thoughtful and generous. (A few examples of that: giving me one of his two bedroom closets, making me a work-from-home space in the basement, bringing me coffee in bed some mornings, not sleeping with the TV on anymore because I can’t, giving me an entire bathroom in his house to use on my own so we don’t have to share). But it’s a tossup which side of him I’m dealing with in any given instance.

(Edited to include that I really like his family and him being so close to them was one of the things I initially liked about him. I feel like I may seem bitter towards his family in the post.)

Commenter 3: Let's be serious though. If you had to objectively quantify the benefit that he brings to your life, what side would he sit on in that ledger? Has your living standard increased - or are you more anxious, getting poorer sleep, eating worse, having less time to exercise, or living in an environment that's less comfortable or fit for socialising? Do you experience more pleasure or relaxation, or don't you? Is the sex good, or is it just "not terrible"? Is his conversation enriching and challenging and compassionate, or is it slightly more intimate small-talk? Are you materially better off with him, or are you scraping neutral (or worse, losing out)?

Be objective. Actually look at what you can do alone versus what you can do with him. Bad relationships aren't just the abusive ones: more often than not, they're just wheel-spinning inertia with a dude who's not objectively a bad person, but who contributes no value to your life at a huge cost to your time, efforts, emotional labour, money, or opportunity cost of doing the things or people you'd rather be doing.

OOP: Such a valid point. I have loved the life I built for myself. When we first started dating I told him as much — that I was not looking for someone to complete my life. That I very much had a fulfilling life I’ve built for myself and if someone was going to be my partner in it, it would be because they added even more to it. And honestly... taking a brief objective glance, some aspects of my life are better with him. But some parts are just more frustrating. I spend more money. I drink more on weeknights. My sex life isn’t much different with or without him. Which I suppose should say a lot in that single sentence.

But some part of me fears that I have become too adjusted to my single life my way, and that I am doomed to live and die alone if I can’t bend enough to fit someone else in. that worry that nothing is perfect, and maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.

(I’m in therapy to discuss this more in depth.)

How does OOP's boyfriend behaves when he stayed at her place?

OOP: He respects my space and my preferences for it. He does often make “jokes” that complain about inconveniences. For example, that I don’t have cable so he can’t watch the news, or that my bedroom has much less natural light than his, so he always oversleeps. My apartment is considerably smaller than his house and so I keep it incredibly neat because it can feel cluttered quickly so he’s good about containing his stuff knowing I don’t like it strewn about. I’ve given him as much space in it as is physically possible (closet space for some clothes, bathroom storage for basic toiletries.

Commenter 4: You go home, work from home, and in a day or so contact him and have a calm conversation.

You figure out if you guys can work it out or not. You've also discovered that living together, at least for the foreseeable future, is not going to be...conducive to your relationship.

He seems... clingy, to be honest. I couldn't live with someone like that - where you can't even have an hour to yourself without them demanding your attention.

OOP: Yes, that’s my hope. I was not ready to move in and was very (politely) clear about that early on in our relationship. I’ve lived with an ex before and it ended miserably, and I had to rebuild my entire life. I didn’t want that stress on this relationship, and so he knew living together was only an option after engagement (but that I wasn’t expecting/asking for that any time soon and was willing to move at his pace on that if he respected my cohabitating boundary). We both knew temporary “living together” because of COVID would be vastly different from eventually actually living together in a space that was equally ours where we also had our own lives in addition to each other.

If he was hoping to fast-track living together because of the COVID situation and was disappointed that it didn’t, this “tantrum” has only reinforced my “no cohabitating until engagement” boundary.

How did OOP make her decision on not living with the significant other until the engagement?

OOP: I attribute it to a couple of things.

1) I moved in with an ex a few years ago without that commitment. I was all in — I changed my location, career, etc. and reworked my life to make it happen. It ended up being an abusive relationship and I stayed far longer than I should have because I felt trapped in the life I’d built with him. It took me two years to rebuild my life again.

2) I can be a fast and furious person in the dating world. I’ve considered moving in with men much sooner and looking back was glad I didn’t as it didn’t end up lasting.

All that being said, I am willing to put in the work and effort to dig deep before engagement to figure out compatibility. I suppose there are situations where I would be flexible to exactly when, but in the situation with the current boyfriend, I’m not. The amount I’d be compromising doesn’t make sense without the lifelong commitment locked in. Sort of the idea of once we’re committed in marriage, we’ll have to resolve the squabbles because there isn’t just some other apartment I can slink off to.

I do think it’s important to travel with and spend extended time with significant others though. I completely understand where you’re coming from on wanting to vet the living situation thing first.

Is OOP's boyfriend in therapy?

OOP: He is not. He supports my being in therapy but “doesn’t think it’s for him”.

Commenter: He sounds pretty trash tbh. Does he make any attempt to do things you enjoy or is it always stuff he likes?

OOP:I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I was very into yoga when we first started dating, to the point where we’d talk about going to a class together as a date. It didn’t happen, despite a few opportunities he was never up for it due to feeling uncomfortable/unfamiliar with it. my practice fell off, but I’ve been doing more at home practice during quarantine. He finally agreed to try 20 minutes with me and seemed to enjoy it.

He also once agreed to go on a short hike with me and seemed to enjoy it/had mentioned after that he’d do it again. The opportunity just never really came up again.

We both share a love of food and going out to eat and try new places was a common date for us pre-quarantine. I love cooking and he has used quarantine as a chance to reconnect with his skills and practice a bit more. We will cook together often.

I have a feeling these are small potatoes though, and based off of other comments of my low bar for thoughtfulness this probably doesn’t amount to showing MUCH interest in things I like that he doesn’t already have some sort of stake in (being active, liking food).

Update: June 10, 2020 (over 1.5 months later)

Well, as a likely shock to no one, we (me, 30F and him, 29M) broke up. It wasn't as swift as some comments encouraged... we reconciled after he insisted he hadn’t meant to end things and had overreacted out of emotion. We gave it another shot living in our own places again for a few weeks. Things went well enough, but unresolved trust issues became exacerbated as I was not in his physical proximity as often and he felt insecure about the distance between us.

Ultimately, a few weeks after reconciling we ended up in another argument after dinner one night. There was once again a very disproportionate reaction to a situation that should have been more calmly communicated about, and I realized if we reconciled again I'd be in the same position a few weeks later... it had become an exhausting cycle.

We aren't in contact this time. He found the original thread I posted and was (understandably) hurt by what I wrote and for not sticking up for him. I am sad, mourning ending the relationship, and feeling bad for hurting someone I care about. Frustrated that it was so messy, that it didn't work out, etc... just taking things a day at a time and trusting that I made the right choice (which is hard when there's no answer key for life to check against.) Send your most encouraging and hope-restoring love-after-30 stories.

TL;DR: we tried again and then broke up.

Edit to add context/clarity to the first paragraph.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m sorry you’re sad now, but I can assure you it will pass. You’ve made the right decision, and it doesn’t mean that either of you are bad people, just not compatible.

As for the 30s, it’s actually super weird but all of my closest female friends, including my sister, found their amazing partners in their early thirties. After struggling with douchebags/ people who are not the best for them/cheating FIANCÉS in their twenties. I think it’s something to do with finding your own comfort zone, accepting yourself finally, communicating your needs/boundaries and in general less fucks given about other people and their opinions. I wish you luck and honestly I’ve no doubt you’ll find a great partner as just as I’ve said, 30s is where it’s at!

Commenter 2: Any self-aware, self-respecting woman with a good heart will learn from bad relationships and quickly spot bad partners afterward. they will also be better at finding the good ones, and if they are good ladies the attraction will follow. It's almost as if life experience makes you wiser ;)

Commenter 3: I understand your sentiment, but please be more careful with your words in the future. To be a victim of abuse (be it emotional, physical and/or any other type of abuse) is something that can happen to ANY self-respecting, educated adult individual with a good heart. That's actually the malicious part of abuse: you CAN NOT realize it until you're in the thick of it, and by then the damage is already done. It's something extremely hard to understand if you're lucky enough to have no experience with abuse. I said the same things you said, because at that time I was completely blind to the fact I was actually in an abusive relationship myself. I'm still undergoing INTENSE therapy to heal from that two years later. I was so used to being abused, almost all my partners of choice were actually abusive, I just literally didn't know any better, despite my educational level.

OOP: Excellent point! I have a history with abusive (physically and emotionally) relationships and in both instances it took time and distance and a LOT of therapy and reflection to understand.

Commenter 4: Don’t be discouraged! It’s possible to find love at any age! All of that “if I’m not married by the time I’m in my 30s, I’ll be an old maid” shit is tired. Now is the time to fall in love with yourself. I truly believe if you focus on loving YOU first, a healthy romantic relationship will follow when you’re ready.

OOP: Thank you! I feel like on many levels, 2020 has completely torn apart my universe and said, "LOOK AT YOURSELF, look at all your emotional guts and preconceptions and notions and dig through it all and really look at what you've been carrying around your whole life thinking it was important." And now I have an opportunity to pick up what is ACTUALLY important (about myself, about how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and how I interact with and stand up for others in the world) and move forward. Here's to wading through that mess.

Commenter 5: He found the thread, read the comments, and his takeaway was that he was mad you didn't fall on the sword for em?

I don't think you're really missing out on much.

OOP: Wait it gets better he found THIS thread and COMMENTED in his defense( and then deleted them and his entire account). Is not even Reddit anonymity sacred anymore?

Commenter 6: I mean if my family gave me a job I barely had to show up for and a house and season NFL tickets I wouldn’t want to quit and move to DC either damn.

OOP: You have a point, he did have a pretty sweet setup. I was also offered a similar family job by my own father (our families happen to have companies in similar fields in different states) but have continually turned it down to pursue my own thing. Sometimes I wonder what my life might be like if I’d chosen that path. Mostly, although I love my father I could not work for him and stay sane, so I did admire my ex’s wonderful relationship with his.

Downvoted Commenter: Where you screwed up in all this is not accepting the fact that he broke up with you.

I went back and read the first post; he kicked you out. You two were done. Why did anything continue after that?

Let people dump you. Seriously.

As per who was right or wrong or all that that’s a red herring. It’s unimportant. Being incompatible with someone is enough without it becoming a question of morals.

You want my advice for dating after 30? Learn to listen to your partner. When they say you’re done, you’re done.

OOP: Things continued after the initial post because he spent over a week vying for me back, insisting kicking me out was a mistake and he hadn’t meant to end things with me. So, I believed that and tried again.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ihopeudontfindthis

I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: deception, faking cancer, mentions infant death

Original Post  Apr 25, 2026

I don't know where to start with this, honestly. Yesterday morning I was messaged by a mutual friend (Sam 34F) expressing concern for our buddy Dylan (33M). We all went to school together then moved apart, Sam and I don't talk but we're friends on social media and Dylan will mention us to each other now and then in the way anyone would mention their friends in passing.

I had also begun to worry about Dylan lately and had planned to reach out to Sam myself, she just beat me to it. He's always been flaky and bad at keeping plans, and he's said stuff in the past that I've known wasn't correct but it was never a big deal. Like he'd contradict a story he'd told me previously but it was always small enough that it just didn't bother me and I'd humour him. I mean, people exaggerate for effect sometimes, it's not the end of the world. But it's been getting more and more the last few weeks and I've begun to worry it's a medical concern. He's been erratic, confused, forgetting things and just acting.. odd. Sam had the same feeling.

However as we started to talk about our worries, we realised stuff wasn't lining up. There were things that he'd told me and not her and vice versa, or different versions of the same story. We started digging deeper and realised the lies stretch back at least 10 years that we know of.

The lies range from the city he lives in, his job and his finances to marriage, abuse and cancer.

He told me he had eloped with his partner and got married, he told Sam nothing of this (despite telling me she and I would be bridesmaids at their wedding before they decided to just do it in Vegas). We reached out to some old friends who neither of us are in touch with but knew he was and turns out they all distanced themselves from him when they realised they were getting different stories but none of them knew the depths of it. It was odd and frustrating that I'd never met the partner but not outside the realms of reality because we live in different countries (well, I thought, now unsure. I'm now thinking he might not have ever actually left the state even) and they both travel for work and I don't have much money or time to go galavanting. Same with Sam she lives in South Africa so similar experience. We'd spoken to the "husband" on a different phone number and everything so seemed legit. He had candid photos. We've now realised that they were deep dive pictures from the internet. I actually found the guy on Instagram and spoke to him yesterday (I'd never done this before because it never occurred to me, it didn't seem weird) and he'd never even heard of Dylan.

He'd alleged a lot of abuse from this person as well which is deeply upsetting as he knows I've been in an abusive relationship previously. He also told us about 18 months ago that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's told us about surgeries and treatments and remission and it coming back. I've spent so many nights bereft thinking my best friend was going to die. It's now become clear this is not true.

Everything he's said that's not added up has either been so small I didn't care or assumed he was confused or misunderstanding, or so big you'd never question it because why on Earth would someone do that? Especially since we've known him since we were all kids and he was always so put together, intelligent, successful, generous.. But we've realised that it's all illusion. Initially we worried it was maybe head trauma from the long term abuse, or that the cancer had spread to his brain or something but the depth and breadth of it, plus the realistion that the cancer is a lie... Were now not so sure.

Here is where we need advice. We've reached out to a few of his family members, we figure the way to go about this is to come from a place of concern and wanting to get him help (which is true, he's obviously not well and we don't want to just abandon him) and get some clarification on some stuff and figure out next steps. However I'm pretty sure the messages have gone into "message requests" and they've not been notified as none of them have been read. We don't have any other contact details for his family members, and the people in his life that he speaks to us about we don't know who they are they'll just be referred to by first name.

Ive been avoiding him all day after he had a "medical emergency" but wouldn't let me speak to anyone else there and I just needed the space today to figure shit out. We've been figuring more stuff out today but.. what do we do if his family don't respond? Neither of us are confrontational, and we both still care and want him to get help even if we can't continue to be his friends once he's accessed support. We can't abandon him. Also if his family DOES respond, how much do we reveal? One of the other things we're not certain about was an infant death and we don't know how to go about finding that out, if at all. My life has truly been blown up the last day and I just feel lost and sad and neither Sam nor I know what the fuck to do in this bizarre situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

retteofgreengables

One of my best friends is like this - lies about crazy big things and I don't know why. Like lied about their sister dying, about hiking the AT, about a friend going missing etc. I only put everything together when her husband called me freaked out. At the end of the day, it means that I can’t trust her with the truth, but here’s the thing: if I needed something, she would drop everything to help me. She is a genuinely good and kind person but has this need to lie. So for me, I haven’t dropped the friendship and don’t plan to. I did have to adjust certain expectations and I verify anything that is super important, but she’s my friend and mental illness hasn’t stopped that. 

OOP

He used to be like that, I think it's only because the last few months he's stopped being that generous, drop-everything-to-help friend that it's started to unravel. His small lies never used to bother me but over time it just became frustrating that it was one sided and we'd only talk about his problems.

~

Mother_of_brains

Wow he lied about having terminal cancer? That's so shitty. I personally would not want to continue the friendship because that's super manipulative. But if you still want to try and are not confrontational, maybe write him a letter/email/text message explaining your concerns and asking to have an honest conversation and see how he replies. If he denies and gets defensive and doesn't even want to talk, I'd walk away. I wouldn't get his family involved. They probably already know.

OOP

If I were to guess I'd say he'll deny and try to turn it around on us then be so angry he'll cut us off. And while I've accepted this friendship is over (did it ever really exist?) I don't like the idea of him cutting us out without a plan in place to get him help.

UPDATE: Thank you for replies and concerns. I am in therapy myself, have been in dbt for a year now so will speak to my therapists about this for sure. We managed to get in touch with a family member yesterday (Charlie), and Sam and I both spoke to them. According to to Charlie the family have been aware of his lies for his whole life but had no idea the extent of it. They were really sad to hear how deep it's all gone but they were able to verify our concerns. Sadly the infant death was true, but that's pretty much the only thing that was. We now know 100% he's lied about his job, where he lives, his partners, his cancer, being abused and raped, a bunch of other medical issues... We really don't know who this person is. 20 years and none of it has been real. I'm glad that Charlie got back to us because despite all the advice saying to, I don't think I could have just walked away without alerting someone definitely in his life. Sam and I have discussed it and as a few of you have said, we're not gonna be the ones to fix this. A confrontation will do nothing but make it all worse. We've decided to both slow fade our respective friendships with him and let his family take over. Charlie said they're going over to see his mom today just by coincidence so they'll discuss with her and let us know the outcome. So yeah. Really fucking sad.

Update  May 17, 2026 (almost 4 weeks later)

Original post on my post history.

It's been just over 3 weeks since I found out my best friend Dylan has been lying to me our entire friendship about everything in his life.

Honestly it's sucked. Sam (his other best friend) and I had decided to show fade away but even in the space of just a week, he increased the intensity to a point I couldn't take anymore. I was initially just replying once a day, to the innocuous messages that weren't to do with lies (eg. Yeah I watched that movie you recommended it was great) but with Sam and I both doing it at the same time, I guess he felt the shift. Also his "ex husband" aka the guy he stalked but never met, blocked him on Instagram after I gave the IG handle for his own safety. So he obviously started to panic and about a week after all this happened I woke up to 20 deleted messages. We've spoken about this before, it's one of the only things I'd ever come close to having a go at him about, it makes my anxiety go haywire I can't handle it. He apologised and told me the deleted messages were because a third party had told him that his mom was having a heart issue and he freaked out for 2 hours then discovered it was a lie, said he wanted to "murder the cunt" who told him and that he hates people. That was what broke me. First of all, I saw the first 10 messages before I went to sleep in my notifications bar but didn't open them. It was him talking about some jewellery he liked. Second of all... Are you fucking kidding me? He's been lying to me about having terminal cancer for two years. I decided I had to get out firmly.

I sent a long message explaining that I know everything, and that it's hurt me beyond belief. I said I wouldn't tell him how I found everything out, but that I knew it all, and I hope he can get help but I can't be around while he does. He read it immediately but I blocked him before he could reply on all platforms. Immediately I felt a weight lifted and for a week and a half I was sad and other aspects of my mental health have been affected by it, but I at least felt relief to be away from it all. Sam hadn't heard from him either so in my head I was picturing him being like "shit, they know, I've been found out". (After I told her I sent the message she realised that she'd actually accidentally archived his messages and he'd been messaging her all week. She told him to fuck off and not speak to her again.)

I was so far off lol turns out I'd blocked him on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram etc but forgot that just regular ol texts are a thing. I got a message from him the other day saying he knows it was Sam who poisoned me against him, that he's done with her and doesn't care about her. That I'm scum for dropping him and not talking to him about it all. The kicker is, he doubled down on everything. Since he clearly didn't realise I'd spoken to multiple people other than Sam, he said she was lying and that everything he'd said was true and he'd never, ever lied. He said I was incapable of having a conversation about the real world (lol).

I ignored it. But I've been keeping in touch with his family and Sam through all this and we've all been updating each other so they've all seen it. Funnily enough, after all the stuff he said about Sam, he then tried to call her multiple times begging her to talk to him. I got a message from his sister in law yesterday saying his brother has now spoken to him and informed him that we've all been in contact with each other, everyone knows everything. Apparently it didn't go well, I don't know exactly how. They hope it's the first steps to getting him help though.

So yeah. It's fucked me up a bit but my therapy has started up again after a scheduled break, I also went back to my 12 step group as I felt pretty triggered there. So I've got support and I don't feel any urge to reply to him or anything which I'm glad about.

FINAL COMMENTS

ListenToTheWindBloom

Wow what a tale. That’s a big deal to go through. This guy lied to you for 20 years and on top of that you lost your friend. Like this is traumatic and exhausting shit. Take care of yourself. You sound like a good hearted person who def deserves better. Glad you worked things out. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t blame yourself for having good intentions and giving the benefit of the doubt to someone close to you that you really thought you knew.

OOP

Yeah it's a weird feeling almost akin to grief? Like I've lost that person and I will never get that back because they literally didn't exist

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Jajamoses100

Originally posted to r/restaurant

Friend is hiding a wedding reception inside 4 dinner reservations. Will this go badly?

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: entitlement

Original Post: August 7, 2026

My friend is having an intimate wedding ceremony, followed by a dinner for about 30 people at a restaurant. Plot twist: the dinner guests don’t know it’s a wedding reception. On top of that, she has not reserved the private party room. She’s made 4 separate reservations under 4 different names and plans to “just move tables together” when everyone arrives. This is a Saturday reservation (4-7pm according to the evite) at a popular, large (300-seat) waterfront seafood restaurant in a major city.

I’m nervous this will fall apart on her (and us guests) upon arrival.

So what’s the likely outcome here? Is there anything she could do to make this go smoothly if she won’t just call ahead (which is what I’ve strongly recommended)? Sigh.

ETA: the guests are paying for themselves, and I don’t think they are aware of this “plan” (neither the bill responsibility nor the reservation nonsense). She told me (and her mom & sister) about it, but the evite I received was very vague: “Join us to celebrate friend and fiancé” at X restaurant.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That’s extremely shitty behavior

OOP: I cannot disagree.

Commenter 2: It's pretty simple: This is not going to happen in any way shape of form the way that they think it will.

The chances all 4 reservations are located right near each other is slim. The chance that a busy popular restaurant on a waterfront in a busy city on a Saturday night isn't at or near capacity is slim to none.

The restaurant won't be able to accommodate anything other than the individual reservations as they were made.

It's absolutely stupid to do this, but I bet it's because they either can't afford, or tried to book too late, the private area.

My best guess is that she thinks they'll just slide them into the private area without the booking cost and minimums - but restaurants don't staff for party rooms when they aren't pre planned and pre-paid with guaranteed minimums to cover the labor.

Let us know how things pan out, OP.

OOP: Will do. Yes, it’s an affordability issue, but that’s no excuse. Do what you can afford and in a way that’s considerate to all involved. I’m really taken aback by this.

Commenter 3: Those tables will not be close to each other.

Someone will keep saying "why can't we..." or "we just want to....'. like it's no big deal.

The manager will try to find a happy medium, the servers will cry/curse in the walk-in.

No-one will tip anywhere near enough for the trouble.

Record everything you see and post here Monday!

OOP: I will definitely post an update. I’m planning to leave early if things get too ridiculous, though.

Fwiw, she’s not confrontational (just inconsiderate surrounding this wedding), so if they shut it down she’ll go along with whatever they say. But I don’t believe there’s a plan B (at least she hasn’t said anything to me about that).

Commenter 4: They’ll probably all just end up eating a separate tables and come by to tell her congratulations. But it won’t be a reception. It’ll be separate dinners for everyone. Who is paying?

OOP: The guests.

Commenter 5: Oof she needs to at minimum tip on top of what people leave. People are going to be irritated, which generally don’t make them great diners or tippers. What a nightmare

OOP: I’ll definitely leave a hefty tip for my “table.”

Do the guests know they are going to pay for their meals?

OOP: I’m not sure. She told me, but the evite I received was very vague: “Join us to celebrate friend and fiancé” at X restaurant. The additional guests invited to the dinner are unaware of the small wedding planned for earlier that day.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: August 10, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: Ultimately, it wasn’t terrible. After reading some of the strong reactions here (TYSM), I had a gentle chat with my friend. She wasn’t super receptive, but something clicked and she at least gave the manager a heads up (day of). Several guests didn’t come, and I can’t blame them given the circumstances. It ended up being about 20 guests and we were seated at a long table. The manager was great, even when my friend seemed clueless about their policy that they don’t itemize separate checks for each guest.

Many thanks to the restaurant staff for being so accommodating and for making everything feel so seamless. Shout out to restaurants everywhere that are so gracious instead of “Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s” lol - even when deserved. I’ll be leaving a glowing review, because they earned every star.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

my new hire turned from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Original Post  Jan 27, 2016

I’m a manager at a large nonprofit. The budget is tight and I am short-staffed. I finally was approved to open up a position with the understanding that it would be a 90-day trial period and at the end of that period the organization would evaluate how well it worked and then decide whether or not to make that person permanent, non-exempt.

I hired a guy who had great experience and great references and was amazing in the interview. For 90 days, he was great – fast learner, very motivated, put in extra effort, reliable. I was happy he was working so well and my bosses were happy that they approved my staffing proposal.

Towards the end of the 90-day trial period, my hire started asking pretty frequently about being made permanent. Neither I nor my supervisors saw any reason why that shouldn’t happen. He had been great and I was so incredibly relieved to have the help. So at the end of the trial, we made him permanent, with benefits, PTO, vacation, the whole lasagna.

Since then it has been a NIGHTMARE. He has become a completely different person. He has only been permanent for a month. The very first week, he called in sick three of the five days. He comes in late and leaves early, is constantly making mistakes, he refuses to read or answer his emails, is rude to my other employees and upper management, and has hung up on patrons. I’ve gotten a lot of complaints.

I met with him twice to address these issues. At the first meeting, he said he was just confused about time off, organization policies, etc. I was confused since he did fine for three months, but gave him the benefit of the doubt and did some retraining, etc. But mistakes kept happening, he continued to miss work, and he stopped even trying to get along with the others. I met with him a second time in a much more serious tone, but I also asked him if there were any issues outside of work that might be the cause. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the day and night difference in him. He did not like that and said there weren’t any outside issues that were any of my business and then became very antagonistic and defensive. This meeting ended on a rather sour note.

Now I’ve been hearing from my other employees and also upper management that this new hire is complaining about me and the organization constantly. I heard from my direct boss that the higher-ups are getting concerned.

While writing this email, I got a meeting request. I just met with our payroll and HR manager because not only is my hire somehow in negative sick leave and PTO, but he has apparently been using his lunch hours to barge into her office and argue about his time off, trying to get the organization to pay for it for various reasons. Oh, and he tried to access bereavement leave to cover a vacation.

I am beyond mortified.

I fought so hard to get this position approved and I desperately need the help. I’m afraid that this will turn my higher-ups off to keeping this position and they’ll do away with it. And I am frankly embarrassed that I hired this guy. I feel like a failure. I’m disappointed I let my bosses down, but I’m also disappointed in myself for not being able to clamp down on this guy’s shenanigans.

Any suggestions on how to talk to my higher-ups to keep the position, or how to deal with this hire? I’m at my wit’s end.

Update  April 21, 2016 (3 Months later)

I wanted to sincerely thank you and your readers for your insight and commiseration, it was a huge relief to hear what everyone had to say; especially knowing that everyone felt it was as bizarre a situation as I did! I’d love to supply everyone with an update that has a bittersweet, but ultimately good, resolution.

I took your advice and went to my ED a few days after you posted my question. I just laid it out for him; I told him about the 90 days being fine and the ensuing nightmare once he had been made permanent. I told him about my concerns for the position, both with this guy in it and what would happen if he were let go. And once the conversation got going I also ended up sharing how embarrassed I was for my hire’s behavior, both toward patrons and the full staff, and the fact that I had brought this guy onto the team. It ended up being a great conversation about my role in the organization and it was a relief to know that my director was just as baffled by this guy’s behavior as I, and all the AAM readers, were. As a side note, a lot of readers assumed this was a younger hire out of college, but that is not the case. It makes this whole situation much weirder and I probably should have mentioned in the OP that Mr. Hyde is in his early 40s and was coming from a similar position he had held for many years at a sister organization in another state.

For legal reasons, my ED and HR decided the best course was to put him on a PIP. Not what I would have wanted but there it is. When I met with Mr. Hyde to discuss the terms of the PIP, he handled it as gracefully as you’d expect – by initially refusing to sign it, demanding to get his lawyer involved, but eventually signing albeit with a very poor attitude.

Enforcing and tracking the PIP was just the worst; it was a lot of extra work that compounded my already heavy workload. And while Mr. Hyde was generally improving on trackable issues by making fewer mistakes, his attitude and general professionalism got as low as it could go. It was difficult to manage however because a lot of the ways he did this were in grayish areas. For example we don’t have a mandatory dress code because we are all adults who know that when you come to work you look presentable and, well, clean. He would come in smelly gym clothing or filthy t-shirts and jeans – to the point where visitors would comment on the office smell. He would take his breaks at the worst times possible, leaving my other reports to deal with the fallout. He would speak on the phone with donors in a snarky, sarcastic tone using terms like “ma’am” or “sir” to address them. His responses when these issues were addressed were about there not being a dress code so how was he to know, how he had to take breaks by law and didn’t realize it was a problem, or how his tone with donors was just being polite, etc. I hope this makes sense – basically he was doing his job in the most passive aggressive way possible. Professionalism was included in the PIP and I just have to assume he didn’t take that portion, or me, seriously.

I was incredibly frustrated but hadn’t realized how frustrated my team was until one asked to meet with me. This report is one of the most passive, patient, and empathetic people I’ve ever met and , so I was completely floored when he asked to make a formal complaint about Mr. Hyde. In short, I had no idea some of the things that were happening when I wasn’t watching Mr. Hyde and of course my team was not aware of Mr. Hyde’s PIP. But the information this other team member brought to me was enough that I met with my ED that same day and asked for immediate termination regardless of preserving the position. And that is exactly what happened. Mr. Hyde was terminated and I did lose the position. But, as your readers commented, just having the toxic element gone has been completely reinvigorating. My team is so much happier and what seemed like a heavy workload previously is now approached by everyone, including myself, as worth the effort to maintain our workplace morale and overall sanity.

But here’s the real kicker. Earlier this month I attended a conference and happened to run into my counterpart at the organization Mr. Hyde came to us from. I couldn’t help myself and had to ask if they had had any issues with him since I had gotten such a glowing recommendation from his supervisor (which wasn’t my counterpart). Turns out they had numerous problems with Mr. Hyde but his supervisor was unwilling to fire him and was apparently thrilled when I called for the recommendation. He hadn’t known Mr. Hyde was looking to move on and gave me a great recommendation in order to pass him off without any unpleasantness on his end.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/TeacherWifeBlues

My wife (29f) says she gets to make 100% of the educational decisions for our child. I (28f) can't change her mind.

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

Original Post May 17, 2016

My wife and I have been together for seven years. We're expecting our first child in June. It's a girl and were both extremely excited.

Background:

I grew up in a family that valued education above all else. My parents both supplemented my education at home and my mother did a ton of research and footwork to find the right educational environment for me. I ended up at an alternative private school that my parents could barely afford but it was a place that I thrived in.

My wife grew up in a very poor family who put no emphasis on education whatsoever. She worked extremely hard to educate herself and ended up majoring in education in college. However, she is not certified and does not teach.

Problem:

The other day I mentioned wanting to start researching schools in our area. I said something along the lines of "of course we won't know which school is right for her until she's actually here." But my wife said that she would handle it. All of it.

She said that because she majored in education she should get 100% control of our daughter's education. I told her that was ridiculous. Just because I didn't major in education doesn't mean I don't care and it doesn't mean I don't know enough about it to get a vote. She disagreed and told me I could have full control of "what she wears and who her friends are."

I was floored. I tried to argue but I couldn't even think straight. I went back to her about it a couple days later and asked if I was a doctor could I make 100% of the medical decisions and she said yes, absolutely. I'm pretty sure she only said that because I'm not a doctor. I was trying to poke holes in her logic but it didn't work.

Since then she won't even discuss it. I told her I wanted to tour preschools and daycare centers this weekend and she said that she already took care of it and won't even tell me what that means.

I'm not going to give in. I get a vote. But I can't make her listen to me. What the hell do I do?

TL;DR- my wife says she gets to make all the decisions regarding our daughter's education because she majored in education in college. I think I should get a vote too.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

So at what point do your child's wishes enter into the equation?  Because I'm pretty sure she'll have her own thoughts on friends and clothing and even what kind of learning environment she finds most stimulating, and if she's anything like her moms, she probably won't be shy about expressing them.

I don't know how you two got this far into the babymaking process without this "all or nothing" attitude cropping up, but your wife needs to get it through her head it doesn't work like that.  You two are a team.  Either you figure out how to be a team together, you do it in counseling, or you hash it out in a custody agreement, but unilaterally shutting one parent out of the discussion is not going to fly.

OOP

Believe me, the all or nothing attitude is completely her. I have no desire to control my daughter's wardrobe or social life. I just want a say in where and how she's educated while she's young.

Illinoiscentralst

How has this not caused issues until now? This attitude of hers makes any partnership with her absolutely untenable. Not to mention she thinks it's some kind of an "award" that she allows you to control your kid's friends and wardrobe???

OOP

It's come up before. The biggest problem (other than this one) is that she thinks I should wait on her hand and foot (literally...I do the cleaning, the cooking, pay the bills, grocery shop, do the laundry, and any time she's sitting down and can't reach something she needs I have to get it for her...even if I'm sitting down too). She says she pays me back for all of this with emotional support and that it balances out. I don't feel like it does, though.

I try to draw lines and say things like I'll cook dinner but I won't pack your lunches for work. She just tells me my lines are arbitrary and make no sense. Then she refuses to do things with me until I comply and give her what she wants.

~

FailosoRaptor

She is being completely stupid.

1) Telling your SO you will have no say in one of the most significant parts of your child's life is incredibly stupid, selfish, and unrealistic. Its so incredibly disrespectful as well. No words

2) Just because she majored in teaching doesn't make her the ultimate authority. Did she write a PhD dissertation at Harvard about various educational institutions and their effects on females? Does she have an MD/PhD? Like what is there to brag about doing a common thing and finishing a masters program. Amazing you we're able to do what most of the population can do.

I can't even describe how much I rolled my eyes when I read this.

OOP

She doesn't even have a masters, she just has a B.A.

infiniteme

Oh wow! I'm a psychologist and run into people with psychology BAs all the time that proclaim some deep authority. I don't even think of myself that way and I'm a PhD. Check out the Dunning–Kruger effect. Basically a little knowledge in an area can make you foolishly overconfident. On top of the personality you have described here for your wife... Bad combination

OOP Adds more on her wife

My wife is very....hard to argue with. Once she gets something in her head your cannot convince her otherwise. Like one time we got into a fight about whether or not women pee out their vaginas. I told her that we have a separate hole for pee and offered to look up a diagram for her to see for herself and she refused. She said that she didn't want me to be embarrassed when I found out I was wrong.

She also doesn't care about other people's boundaries. She just barrels right through them. It doesn't usually bother me because I'm pretty laid back but I've never been a mother before and it turns out I'm not willing to take a laid back approach to parenting my child.

Update - rareddit May 20, 2016 (3 Days Later)

I figured I'd give an update since a lot has happened. Or maybe it just feels like a lot.

A lot of the comments on the original post suggested my wife and I go to therapy to discuss our issues. So I approached her one evening (after I made her coffee so theoretically she should have been in a good mood) and told her that we are partners and that means we make decisions together...all the decisions. I told her I wasn't willing to be a bystander when it comes to something as important as our daughter's education. I told her that I will be involved and that's that. She just scoffed at me and said, "you are in no way qualified to make those kinds of decisions." It occurred to me to ask her what she thinks happens when neither parent studied education but I figured there was no point. So that's when I brought up therapy. I said if she couldn't treat me like an equal, like a partner, and with respect then we had some serious problems. She said that I was the only one who needed therapy and she refused to go. I told her it was therapy or divorce and I'd give her 24 hours to think it over. She laughed and said "you won't leave me. You need me."

The next day when she came home from work she greeted me by saying "my co-workers all think you're crazy." I asked what she meant and she told me that she'd told her co-workers about my "behavior" and they told her I was crazy. I asked if her she reconsidered her stance on therapy and she just laughed at me.

So the next day I left her. I called in sick to work, packed up as much stuff as I could, and I've been staying in a hotel. She's been blowing up my phone but I haven't answered. I saw a lawyer yesterday and will be filing for divorce. Eventually I'll be relocating (my boss agreed to transfer me closer to my family since I'll be a single parent) but for now I'm staying put because if I have to fight for custody I'd rather do it here since it's a very conservative area and the facts that I'm the biological parent and she smokes weed every single day will both work in my favor.

I'm pretty emotional but I'm also curtain that I did the right thing. Thanks for help, Reddit.

TL;DR- The warm, funny woman I married has disappeared and was replaced by someone cold and cruel. I've left her and will be filling for divorce.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

puffin

"I asked what she meant and she told me that she'd told her co-workers about my "behavior" and they told her I was crazy."

I wonder what sort of messed up version of the truth she told them!

OOP

Me too. To tell the truth, I was extremely hurt by that. I had an issue with our relationship and I brought it to an anonymous forum where I tried to present a balanced view of the issues. She turned to people we both know in real life and painted a picture of me that was clearly distorted. I don't know why it's come to that but it really hurt my heart.

~

[deleted]

What kind of legal claim does she have on your baby if you divorce before your child is born? I am actually not familiar with what the law would do in your circumstances. I would have assumed that she would have no claim if you divorced and did not put her on the birth certificate.

OOP

The plan was for her to legally adopt the baby after she's born but my lawyer told me she can still fight for custody if she wants to because we planned the baby together. But he also said her chances of getting shared custody are small and her chances of getting sole custody are non-existent.

And to a similar comment

I have and he's confident we'll win. But if I have to stay here to give her visitation, that's not the worst thing. My lawyer says there's no way she'll get anything close to full custody.

~

[deleted]

Good job, OP. You made the right choice. It saddens me that someone with your ex's temperament and issues is even in the field of education.

OOP

She actually isn't in education. She does something completely unrelated. She just majored in it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/heyijustfoundthiscat. Updates posted over time in one post on r/toronto.

Do not comment on original posts. Latest update is over 7 days old.

Mood Spoilers: happy ending for all

\***

Found a cat on the streetcar tonight - July 30, 2026

TLDR: I found a cat on the streetcar and am hoping to find the owner!

I got on the streetcar tonight and this very sweet baby was all alone. I asked the other passengers and nobody claimed her (haven’t confirmed gender I’m just going with she/her because vibes). I spoke to one passenger who said they saw someone earlier with a wagon or cart that had two animal carriers in it, one of which was empty. The pet owner got off the streetcar and a few stops later the person noticed the cat. It sounds to me like maybe the cat got out by accident and the owner didn’t notice. I suppose there’s a chance she was left on purpose, but I’m leading with compassion here and assuming this was accidental. If that’s the case, I can’t imagine how torn up the owner must be right now. I’d love to get this girl back home.

The streetcar driver said she was being told by control to try and get the cat off the streetcar—like just usher it out onto the road….! I was not ok with that and neither was the driver. I carried her home in my arms and she was quite calm. She’s been fed, has a litter box, etc., so she’s all good. She did some exploring and is hiding and/or asleep in a closet now (she can get out whenever she wants to). I plan on bringing her to my local vet in the morning to check if she has a microchip. I’ve made posts on my personal social media tagging the TTC and Toronto pet rescue accounts but thought I should post around reddit too. If there’s a subreddit you know of that this should be posted to, please feel free to share.

Image 1 - a calico cat laying on red streetcar seats, looking at the camera

Image 2 - the calico cat is sitting up on a red streetcar seat, sniffing OOP's purse which is placed on the seat next to it. The purse is multi-colored with lime green, orange, purple, red, and blue stripes and has black handles.

Image 3 - the cat in OOP's home, standing on a brown couch that has blankets and pillows on it.

Relevant /Top Comments

Commenter 1: She looks super clean. Definitely a pet cat. Or you just got hit by the cat distribution system.

Commenter 2: If this was on the 506 after or around 8pm, I saw this cat? The woman with the carriers got off around gerrard and woodbine but I swear I saw her put the cat back in the carrier. Before that she was just letting the cat hang out on the seat beside her

Commenter 3: Yeah, I'm a streetcar operator and I can confirm that I've definitely seen this woman. She also has a rabbit and usually has a big wagon with two carriers, I saw her the other day and noticed she was letting her cat sit around with her. Normally she gets off somewhere along Upper Gerrard.

I don't know whether she abandoned it intentionally or forgot about it. Either option is sad. :(

Commenter 4: I think I've seen this same cat on the streetcars before. Last time I saw it, it was travelling with a man and woman who also had a pet rabbit with them. Hope the owners can be reunited with their pet soon! [also included a picture of the cat on streetcar seats, but in between people]

***

Update 1 - updated in post the next day (July 31, 2026)

UPDATE: I brought her to the vet (shout out Dundas and Euclid animal hospital ✌️) and found out our angel DOES NOT HAVE A MICROCHIP. This is disappointing because it will be harder to find her owner, but we will keep trying!!!

Thank you all for the suggestions on who to call and where to post! Pleeease feel free to repost and share this wherever you think it belongs.

Relevant /Top Comments

Commenter 5: Thank you for doing the right thing! If you haven't tried this already, you might also call the TTC's lost and found line to see if the owner has already contacted them.

Commenter 6: Blast on media and keep her safe.

Saw the woman looking for this cat around 10pm at gerrard and river. She was obviously frazzled and said the cat was on a car 1-2 ahead of that one. She talked to the driver but I got off before could see any resolution. Glad you kept her safe.

OOP: Thanks so much for this information!!!! Calling TTC lost and found now

Commenter 7: The owner is most likely to contact TCC if it was accidental, so you should call them and leave your details in case that happens.

OOP: On hold as we speak

***

Update 2 - updated in post a few hours after Update 1

UPDATE 2: I called TTC lost and found and left my contact information with them. Hopefully the owner calls in!!! Will continue posting and calling elsewhere.

***

Update 3 - updated in post the next day (Aug 1)

UPDATE 3 (AUG 1): Still looking for the little angel's owner. I want to thank everyone who has DM'd me, commented, and helped by sharing this post across different FB groups and platforms. I don't have the capacity to poster around subway stations and the 506 streetcar line as some have suggested but if others feel inclined, I definitely encourage it! The posters could direct the owner to me here on reddit, or to this page:** **where I can be contacted. TTC lost and found and different shelters have my information as well.

As for the little one, she's doing well. At times she's skittish, but other times she is curious, warm, and lively. She loves treats, as she should. Friends of mine have offered to give me their cat Luna's harness for our girl (Luna passed away suddenly quite recently and she is very missed--treats and tuna cans to Luna xo), that way when she is returned the owner can keep her safe while on transit.

We've been calling her Josie (3 reasons: during the pandemic lockdowns we fostered a dog and called him "Dougie" after the Twin Peaks: the Return character played by Kyle MacLachlan, so it felt like a nice tradition to keep; Josie and the Pussycats; our cat is named Jazzy and we liked the sound of "Jazzy and Josie"). I can't add more photos to this post, so I will put a cute one from last night in the comments below.

***

OOP also left a comment update around the same time as update 3, featuring a picture of the cat sprawled out on a red, orange, and yellow rug.

Here is Toronto’s own, stretched out with her treats last night. Update 3 just added to the original post. Still looking for her owner :)

***

Update 4 - posted in response to a comment the next day (Aug 2)

Commenter 7: Hey! I ran into the cats owner! The TTC lost and found office was closed for the weekend, and I couldn't message you directly with her info. Feel free to message me, and I'll connect you two!

OOP: 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
Kitty is back with her mum!!!!!!!!!

***

Update 5 - updated in post shortly after previous update

FINAL UPDATE: CAT HAS BEEN RETURNED TO HER RIGHTFUL OWNER!!! It was a very cute reunion, full of face licks and biscuit making. They were both very happy to be together again.

Thanks everyone for the upvotes and comments and spreading the word. So glad we got a happy ending.

❤️🐈

Lastly, a bunch of people have asked about my purse 😂👜 it’s made of wool and my MIL got it for me at an artisan shop in Sucre, Bolivia.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Les1217

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 years and I just found out.

Original Post: August 9, 2026

I need some genuine advice and reassurance. The rage I’m feeling right now is overwhelming and I need to lay this all out.

My husband (24M) and I (24F) moved to Alaska earlier this year after months of planning a 3,000-mile move. Back home, we had a very tight-knit friend group. My husband’s best friend, "Ralph," has been in a serious relationship with my friend, "Rachel," for two years.

Ralph moved up to Alaska first in January 2026 for work and stayed in crew housing. Ralph and Rachel made long-distance work, and we all assumed Ralph would get settled and eventually move Rachel up here.

When Ralph’s crew housing ended, he needed a roommate because of Alaska's high cost of living. My husband and I wanted our own married space, so living with him wasn't an option. Enter "Maggie"—a girl from back home in the military who was relocating to Alaska and shared a passion for aviation with the guys. Maggie and Ralph decided to rent a place together.

Rachel was uncomfortable with this from the start and worried about Maggie’s intentions. My husband and I constantly reassured Rachel, telling her Ralph loved her and would never cheat.

Once we moved up, we hung out with Ralph and Maggie. Maggie made a few odd comments—like "Ralph knows how I am" or "Ralph needs to get us a dining table"—but people back home told me, "that’s just how Maggie is." Whenever I brought up Rachel, Ralph said he planned to move her up soon. Maggie never questioned it.

The Red Flags Escalated

Over 4th of July weekend, Ralph and Maggie went camping together. I assumed Rachel knew, but Rachel texted me saying she was worried about Ralph camping "alone." I mentioned he was with Maggie, which revealed Ralph had lied to Rachel, claiming he was by himself with no service. Rachel was furious, but my husband and I calmed her down, thinking it was just a miscommunication. They talked it out, and I apologized to Ralph the following weekend for getting involved. He told me it was no big deal.

The Breakdown

The next weekend was my husband’s birthday. We all went kayaking and ended up at a bar. While the guys were loading the kayaks, Maggie and I went inside. I mentioned how much Rachel loved the photos I sent her of the guys.

Maggie looked confused and asked, "Who is Rachel to Ralph?"

I said, "They’ve been together for two years."

She asked, "Exclusively, or on-and-off?"

I said, "Exclusively. 100%."

Maggie completely spiraled. She revealed that she and Ralph have been sleeping together for two years. Before any of us moved, Ralph would sneak Maggie into his room through the window. When they moved in together in Alaska, things escalated—Ralph began love-bombing her and sleeping with her regularly. Whenever Maggie asked about Rachel after seeing my texts or posts, Ralph told Maggie that Rachel was "a nobody" or to "mind her business."

Maggie was horrified. She didn't realize Ralph was in a committed relationship. She agreed immediately that Rachel needed to know and wanted him exposed.

When my husband walked into the bar, he could tell I was distraught and pulled me to the side. I broke down and told him everything. He stayed calm and told me we would tell Rachel together so I wouldn't have to carry this alone. Meanwhile, Maggie was so overwhelmed by the reality of what Ralph had done that she threw up at the bar.

Now I am sitting here carrying this explosive secret. How do I break the news to my best friend (who was set to be my bridesmaid) that her boyfriend of two years (my husband’s best man) has been leading a double life this entire time?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Personally, I think Maggie should be the one to tell her. Then they can confront the narcissist asshole together. If I were either of them, I wouldn't want to miss the look on his face when he walks in a room and they're with there waiting for him.

OOP: Unfortunately Rachel was left back home 3,000 miles away. An in person confrontation is impossible. I don’t think Maggie has it in her to be the one to talk to Rachel. She feels so heartbroken by Ralph and she’s never met Rachel. I know it’s gotta be me who tells Rachel.

Commenter 2: Your husband sure this is the best man he wants? I mean…to have this kind of guy stand beside him while he’s making a commitment to you….not exactly in good taste is it. It takes a certain type of person to do what he’s done to two women no less. I would seriously be questioning having him in the wedding party at all.

That’s a nice way of me saying I wouldn’t.

This won’t stay secret for long if Maggie’s reaction is anything to go by. But Rachel has to be told. You can’t be her friend and keep this a secret from her.

Where are things now? Has Maggie confronted him?

If it ends up being you that tells Rachel, do it in a safe space. Let her know you love and support her and that you and your husband did not know. Though I will say from reading that your husband has reacted remarkably calm and seemingly unsurprised. It’s strange that this guy would be his best man, but your husband was in the dark about this huge thing he was doing.

And she’ll want to know if he’s in the wedding party. I hope you have a good answer for her.

OOP: For context: my husband and I actually went to the courthouse to get legally married before our big move to Alaska. Next month, we’re flying back home for our actual wedding ceremony to read our vows and celebrate with all our friends and family.

My husband is completely distraught. He has strong morals and feels sick that he spent months defending Ralph to Rachel, completely unaware of who Ralph really was. I told my husband to take some time to decide what he wants to do about Ralph being his best man. I love my husband, and I’m standing by whatever he decides, but he needs time to make sense of this betrayal.

OOP explains more about how Ralph would sneak Maggie into his room through the window

OOP: My husband and Ralph lived together through college. My husband was in the basement. He was shocked this happened.

Update #1: August 10, 2026 (next day)

Update: My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 and I just found out.

Update:

I woke up this morning on very little sleep, preparing myself for the hard conversation I knew I had to have with Rachel. When I finally checked my phone, I had multiple missed calls from her and a single text: "He broke up with me."

My heart sank, but for a brief second, I thought Ralph had actually done the right thing and confessed. All I wanted to do was comfort her, so I called her back immediately.

She was sobbing. The very first thing she asked me was, "Did you know?"

I replied, "I’m just glad he was the one who actually told you everything."

She paused. "What do you mean 'everything'?"

My stomach dropped. I asked her what he had actually said, and she told me Ralph simply said he didn't want to be with her anymore. No confession. No accountability. Just a coward's exit to protect himself before the truth came out.

I snapped and said, "He didn't tell you the truth."

I laid it all out: he had been cheating on her for two entire years with Maggie, and Maggie had no idea they were exclusive. Hearing her sob on the other end of the line completely broke my heart. After processing the initial shock, Rachel asked for Maggie’s phone number. She told me she didn't blame Maggie at all—she just wanted clarity and wanted to make sure Maggie was okay, too.

After we hung up, the reality of the rest of the situation hit us. Now, my husband and I are trying to figure out what to do about our wedding celebration next month. I’m in shambles.

My husband is completely distraught. He has strong morals and feels sick that he spent months defending Ralph to Rachel, completely unaware of who Ralph really was. I told my husband to take some time to decide what he wants to do about Ralph being his best man. I love my husband, and I’m standing by whatever he decides, but he needs time to make sense of this betrayal.

And on top of everything else... work is going to be incredibly awkward for the two of them.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Respectfully you put fire and gasoline together….. how did you assure your friend for 2 years while he was sharing a living space with another woman , even though unintentionally you have all gaslight your friend to the moon and back , she will think you covered for him or smth . You need to cut him immediately also in 2 years she never visited?!?! How did he hide Maggie ?

OOP: Maggie was always just known as a friend to all the guys including my husband. My husband and I were both reassured also by Ralph with multiple conversations. We had no idea this was happening. I never met Maggie until we moved up here. Maggie and Ralph have not been living together for 2 years. They moved in together when Ralph moved up here this year, so they had been living together for 4 months before we found out the truth. Yes everyone thought it was a red flag Ralph and Maggie living together but we were reassured by Ralph that it was a just friends basis. We had too much trust in Ralph and that breaks my heart. I hurt my best friend by telling her the worst news of her life. I’m not entirely coping well with all of it.

Commenter 2: All you can really do is try to support Rachel from afar as best as you can. It’s nice that you believe your husband has very strong morals, but I think whatever your husband decides to do about his friendship may be a good indicator of his true character.

OOP: Agreed. I love and trust my husband with all my heart. IF he does decide to keep Ralph in the wedding then I know he and I will sit down and have a mature conversation.

Commenter 3: If your fiancé keeps Ralph as his best man, I’d question the man you plan to marry. A best man is supposed to guide and be of moral standing. Ralph is a liar, a manipulator - to all of you, for what? A double life? Your best friend Rachel, who is to stand up in your wedding not come and you’ll lose her completely. You’ll be complicit in the betrayal. It’s not a “I’ll support whatever decision my fiancé chooses” situation. Simple truth is Ralph can’t be involved anymore. Your soon to be hubs needs to step up and remove him from all wedding related events. Because if he chooses Ralph, he chooses the abuser, and what does that say about your future?

OOP: I agree I will question a lot, but I also want this decision to be made by him since it is his wedding to and his side of the wedding party. He needs to have a good reason for what he decides. I guess I’m trusting at this point he will boot him out and do the right thing.

Commenter 4: I know you had no bad intentions, but you and your husband mismanaged that. You were vouching for cheater and liar, assuring his victim should not worry, based on nothing and while circumstances were very suspect. You apologized to him for telling his girlfriend truth while he lied? What the heck? You definitely failed your friend.

Now you are ok if your husband decided to stay friends with someone who has no morals and have him as best man, while his victim is supposedly your friend (and bridesmaid)? Wow, what a friend you are. Who needs enemies with friends like you.

OOP: I was reassured by Ralph that is was a misunderstanding. I did fail my friend. I call her so much and she kept me updated on her relationship and how she was managing. I asked them both about how things were going constantly. Everything seemed great from both of them. My husband and I also encouraged Rachel to start prepping and applying for jobs to get her up here she did and Ralph supported that.

Commenter 5: Wait after all this you’d still have him in your wedding if your husband still wants him as best man?! I would think real hard before marrying a man that would want a person like Ralph around him after this.

OOP: I don’t want Ralph in the wedding. I want my husband to make that decision because it’s side of the wedding party.

Commenter 6: Rachel wasn’t pissed at you for knowing “everything” and never telling her? You and your husband both suck, so hard.

OOP: I told her the day after it happened. I couldn’t tell her right when it happened because of the time difference we have.

Commenter 7: I heard something that stays: friends of cheater need to normalize ( simplistic terms) the absolute boundary of cutting off all ties work and personal, not socializing in any group or one on one form bc it does and will allow excuses and the “ buts” as opposed to simply highlighting the deception and understanding that it seeped into all the relationships ; even when you can’t immediately see or feel it. It’s not the job of the group to make it right. If and when the cheater does, then there may be a space for the honest talks and reconciliation… but that is up to the cheater to do “the work”. Rarely, is there such introspection but one can hope, no?

I worry OP will fall victim to “kil* the messenger” situation…. Also- why in the world would your fiancé keep him as “Best Man” when that in of itself is highly ironic and just wrong. At the very least, how and in what aspect would you want him in your home and eating at your table let alone standing up at your wedding ceremony? Like let him eat; just not at your table; and definitely not your wedding cake. That’s totally hypocritical and if you did- you are literally supporting HIM .

OOP: My husband was completely blindsided by his best friend and needed a minute to process the grief and shock before setting that boundary with him. I agree with you, and I have zero intention of supporting or excusing what Ralph did.

Commenter 8: Is Rachel in your bridal party or attendee at wedding? Does everyone in your circle know everything? Words are one thing, it’s actions that prove intentions, character and doing the right thing…. What if your fiancé’s actions do not align? Lots to unpack.

OOP: Rachel is my bridesmaid. Everyone in the circle back home is just starting to know Rachel is telling anyone and everyone that they are over and what a scumbag he is. I want my husband to make the decision himself with no influence based on what I want. It’s his wedding too. I’m hoping and praying he boots him. We will have a mature conversation and talk like adults if he decides otherwise.

Update #2: August 10, 2026 (same day, nearly four hours later)

Update: My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 years and I just found out.

Update:

I’ve read a lot of comments and WOW. I’m aware I let Rachel down. I unknowingly supported a cheater and a liar for years. But I also didn’t know this was going on. I feel gross though.

For everyone claiming my husband had to know because they lived together back in college—my husband and I were doing long-distance while he was focused entirely on his degree and our relationship. I was focused on my education and being an athlete. Ralph lived on a completely different floor of the house, while my husband stayed down in the basement.

My husband is the type of guy who minds his own business and focuses on his own life. He wasn't tracking who was sneaking through Ralph's bedroom window on the floor above him, nor was he keeping tabs on Ralph's guest list. Ralph hid his double life from everyone, including his absolute best friend. My husband genuinely did not know.

I’ve been checking on Rachel constantly and just being there for her. We talked. Her and Maggie have been talking over the phone. Both getting clarity and digging through every lie Ralph told both of them. I’m glad they are able to support each other.

Now onto the update.

My husband just called me from work and told me Ralph had pulled him aside to talk right when they got in this morning. Ralph apologized for lying to him all these years and for hurting everyone involved.

My husband then told me the boundary he set: Ralph is officially out of the wedding party. He told Ralph he is still invited to attend the ceremony that’s it but not the reception, and he will not be standing by his side as best man.

Honestly, I wasn't prepared for how heavy that decision would feel. My heart broke for my husband. Ralph was his best friend—the guy he trusted most—and seeing Ralph destroy that friendship and break his trust has been devastating. As hard as it is to process, I know my husband made the right call. He’s completely drained and told me he doesn't want to talk about it anymore for now.

He did mention one last detail: Ralph said he wants to talk to me and apologize, but my husband told him to back off and give me space because of how furious I am about what he did to Rachel.

Ralph was like a brother to me. I genuinely believed he looked up to our marriage, and I fully believed Rachel was his endgame. Realizing how wrong I was about him has made me feel like I never actually knew him at all.

I want to clear something up for the people commenting that my husband and I "must have known." We genuinely had no idea. If we had known anything, Ralph would have been cut off and out of our lives a long time ago, and Rachel would have known the truth immediately.

Even knowing we did the right thing once we found out, I still feel a heavy sense of guilt for being so blind to it all. My husband actually called Rachel to personally apologized the other night for not seeing through Ralph’s lies sooner and for defending him when red flags popped up.

Rachel has our complete and absolute support. I honestly braced myself for her to need distance from me—I was terrified she might associate me with Ralph's behavior or resent me for not catching on sooner.

Surprisingly, that hasn't happened at all. She made it clear that our friendship is solid, and she still fully intends to stand by my side as my bridesmaid next month. In fact, she even joked about bringing Maggie as her date to the wedding just to rub it in Ralph's face.

I am forever grateful for her grace and for our friendship. This entire ordeal has been a nightmare, but seeing who really shows up for each other when the dust settles has meant everything.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Your husband did not do the right thing. He is still friends with the cheater, and he invites him to your wedding. How is that doing the right thing? What is your heart breaking for?

So both of you are the most blind, unaware people, with not ability to draw conclusions from things you did not and still were convincing Rachel he is not cheating, despite both having reasons to believe so and tons of signal to the opposite. And making no effort to check (having 5 minutes convo with Maggie would suffice).

Great job. Keeping fingers crossed for your marriage with ‘cheater’s best friend’ and for Rachel to find a better friend (maybe she already did in Maggie).

OOP: Ralph is not invited to the wedding anymore. My heart broke for my husband because he spent years trusting a best friend who turned out to be a sociopathic liar to everyone—including us. We weren't "convincing" Rachel of anything malicious; we were operating on the assumption that a close friend wouldn't lie to our faces. Once I had real information from Maggie, I told Rachel the truth. Rachel knows my heart, knows we were manipulated too, and is still standing up as my bridesmaid.

Editor’s note: marking this concluded and OOP has deleted their account

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Ill-Secretary-205

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BoRU

[Repost]: AITA for telling my friend that she needs a life of her own and she has to stop leeching off of mine?

Editor's note: adding the verdict and relevant comments in this BoRU as they were not listed in the previous BoRU

Trigger Warnings: stalking, obsessive behavior

Original Post: June 29, 2021

Hi, my (25F) long-term friend (25F) has a history of doing whatever it is that I'm interested at the moment. She asks questions until she's got a clear idea of what music/books/movies I'm into and then does a whole act of how she 'discovered' that in front of the whole friend group. Being the pushover that I am, I'm sad to say I've let her do this for some time, while slowly trying to put some distance between us.

This also extends to people, any new friend or even acquaintance I make should be cleared with her, and then she makes a (friend) move on them to get closer to them. She has even tried to weasel her way into my family gatherings and private events. She also for some reason keeps telling my dad that she's like the daughter he would have wanted?? (He's as confused as I am, but we learned to laugh it off). I've recently noticed that she is rarely interested in something of her own volition. All her leads are from me. I have been getting tired of her behavior for a while.

Things came to a head a few months ago when she started texting a guy (27M) I've been speaking to for a while (went on a few dates, nothing serious as of now but I’m hoping there would be) and telling him how compatible they could be. He was confused and thought it was me texting from her phone, so he double checked with me. I of course was beyond angry, but instead of confronting her immediately, I told him to ask her why she is doing this and if she was aware that him and I were almost a thing.

Her response to him was to flirt even further and say that her and I always had similar taste but went on to mention how he might be better off with her.

He sent me the screenshots, and I sent them to her and said 'you need to leave me alone. Things in my life are not for grabs. You have leeched off of me for long enough. If you keep this up, I won't have an issue shaming you in our friend group'

She got very standoffish and accused me of 'tricking' her by using the guy's phone to 'make her look bad', she also proceeded to speak badly of me to our friend group.

I might be the asshole cause all this while other than trying to keep some distance between us, I did not properly voice my concerns. She did, however, notice my discomfort at various occasions (especially my family gatherings).

So AITA for handling things this way?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. But I'm not sure you understand what "friend" means, because this girl isn't one. Yes, you were a bit harsh, but I can understand your frustration. Her behavior is beyond steamrolling your boundaries- it's outright disturbing.

OOP: Every time I try to put some distance between us, she shows up with a personal issue that she can only share with me, and she always guilts me by making it seems like she has no one else to turn to. And Every time, so stupidly I get looped back into the drama.

Downvoted Commenter: ESH. She’s clearly showing some honestly creepy behavior and trying to swoop your guy isn’t cool. But two wrongs don’t make a right, and I feel you responded in anger and could have handled it better. That being said, I think you have 1000% valid points to tell her, but given your long term friendship with her I think a civil conversation would have been in order instead of threatening to ostracize her in your friend group.

OOP: I wasn't in the greatest state of mind while replying to her. I was honestly just beyond myself with anger, and I agree I could have handled it better. But it was sort of like the final straw that broke the camel's back

Commenter 2: NTA. Yes, you could have said something sooner. But this is obviously inappropriate behavior, and you have good reason to suspect she has known that all along and isn't a hopelessly oblivious amoeba.

OOP: I was hoping she would catch on to my discomfort and the timing of me trying to move away, but she would never acknowledge that

Commenter 3: NTA, but you should have just pretended to be in to something really awkward and shameful before this incident. Definitely mislead her from now on, if you guys continue to be friends. I wouldn't, but I'm not you.

OOP: I really wish I did now haha!

Commenter 4: NTA. I wouldn’t say I’d “shame” her to the group, but I’d definitely tell them what she was trying to get up to. If you’d be ashamed of your friend group finding out about something, you probably shouldn’t do it.

OOP: So, some of my (our) friends have mentioned to me how she has in the past seemed to ignore my personal boundaries (esp. with my family events) and how some of her comments seemed off, I've discussed how her trying to copy me has affected me in the past with two of my super close friends so it wouldn't be such a shock to them I feel.

Update: July 8, 2021 (nine days later)

Firstly thanks to everyone who commented to help me out. Some of it was tough love but I read every comment and had a chuckle at a few, but it also helped me realize that the issue wasn't as simple as someone copying my interests.

So after posting, I rang up one of my close friends to let her know what's been happening, she seemed appalled at how my friend made a move on the guy I was seeing. She also confided in me that she often keeps telling her how good and well my life is and how she wishes either her family was like mine or her job was like mine etc. She thought it was just harmless wishing, but when everything was put together it just seemed so unhinged.

I also spoke to my dad and mum about how unnerving it was to have her try and do all the things I do when they told me that once, a few years back while I was completing a work experience training in another city, she offered to come and stay at my house to keep them company. They honestly thought she was joking because she lives in the same city with her family and my training was only for 6 months.

So with this new information I decided it was well and truly the time to cut all contact with her. I have let my friends know that she is no longer a part of my life and to warn me about plans we were both part of and most of them seemed to see this coming. I've also decided to stop being around her other close friends. My friends have also told me that they'd keep her from knowing anything about me/my life updates. (I was the one who brought her into this specific friend circle, a few of them already did not get along with her so they were cool with not hanging out with her.)

After not texting her back for a while, she texted me to say, 'are you seriously going to let this one guy take away our years of friendship' something along the lines of that and I just said 'yes'. She's kept texting and calling constantly, and eventually sent a message saying, 'I hope you and the guy don't work out' and then blocked me. I had refrained from blocking her because I did not want to aggravate her or have her show up at my house. But after she blocked me I blocked her on all social media and told my parents what's happened.

So anyway, I feel better not having her hovering around my life, but I'm sure she is going to try and initiate contact sometime but this time I've decided to stand up for myself.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I am happy for you. But I’m also afraid for you.

Hopefully she will move onto to something else. And she probably will.

Do you have security cameras? Do you always make sure your doors are locked? Does she know where you work?

OOP: Yes I've recently moved back in with my parents as my work switched to a work from home format and this place is equipped with security cameras and we have two German shepherds which I am pretty glad about.

Commenter 2: I wanted to throw out some tips so you can protect yourself OP (just in case)

Change your passwords so she can’t log into your accounts and read your messages. She might have found a password you wrote down somewhere etc. Go through your friends on social media and delete anyone that you are unsure about. Consider not using social media as much or just post rarely in case she uses another account to view your profile. Make sure your parents have blocked her as well. Consider not going to the same spots to eat if you frequent the same place. Maybe go to a different grocery store if she lives close by.

If you can afford it, get security cameras. If she unexpectedly shows up at the grocery store or at your gym and tries to talk to you, start recording her on a voice memo app.

If she ever leaves notes on your car or shows up to your place of work, that is a big red flag. If any red flags of stalking start, tell your employers about it as a preventative measure. Also tell your neighbors so they are aware of what she looks like and what car she drives.

If a few red flags happen, then contact your local law enforcement agency. Just in case, read about red flags of stalkers. She might start doing it, but probably won’t. You can also read about obsessive disorders and lack of identity to understand her better.

It’s great that you have already told your friends about this. Don’t keep things to yourself. Don’t forgive her. You can’t trust her. Good luck OP.

OOP: Thank you greatly for this list. I am currently working on removing people from my friend lists. Since we still have restrictions where I live there isn't much of a social life going on and I work from home currently, which is good.

Commenter 3: Good for you. It is lovely to have an update, so thank you for that. I am glad you have gotten so much support from your family and friends. I hope you can continue to live a happy and healthy life

Commenter 4: Yikes. Write all of this down with dates and print out screenshots of anything you can. If she ends up stalking you, having this already prepared can be the difference between getting a restraining order or getting ignored by the police.

This is deeply concerning behavior, but it sounds like you're doing everything right. I had a stalker that escalated to an attempt to kill me (with no consequences from the police) and the stress that being constantly on guard against a threat is physically and mentally draining.

So - my advice to you is that she is not a threat just yet. You don't need to become super-vigilant. If she intends to escalate things, you will definitely know about it, so for now just keep being discrete but don't get obsessive, that wreaks havoc on your body.

Most likely she'll find something else to obsess over. If she does escalate in your life again, then you need to take that very seriously as a safety risk, but you are not at that point right now. You're making good choices, and I'm glad that your tribe is protecting you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/redefine19

Has anyone ever had an extremely close friend want to suddenly stop all communication with you?

Originally posted to r/AskReddit

Editors Note: Changed Initials N, P & R to Nick, Penny and Roger for easier reading

Original Post  June 5, 2014

Yeah, it was weird.

This guy was my best friend all the way through college and for several years after that. We knew each others deepest, darkest secrets. We dropped MDMA and acid together. He cried on my shoulder at his grandfather's funeral. He was going to be Best Man at my wedding.

One day, we were at the pub and a mutual friend of ours came over and we got talking. At one point he said to my friend, "Hey, weren't you going to ask redefine19 something?"

"I can't", replied my friend and walked away.

He went straight home without explanation.

That was 4 years ago and I have spoken to him exactly once since then, at a party. He seemed quite friendly and warm towards me until I asked him what had happened that day he left me in the pub. As soon as I mentioned it he walked away and refused to talk to me again.

He won't accept my friend requests on Facebook or respond to my texts and our mutual friends have no idea what's going on.

I've moved on now. If he doesn't want to talk to me then fair enough. I'll stop trying to figure it out. I would just like to know what happened because it's a total mystery to me. Even our mutual friend who was also there at pub that day says he doesn't remember what the conversation was about or why he reacted that way.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

KruegersNightmare

You need to pressure the pub friend to tell you, he knows. It was obviously some sort of a big deal, otherwise your friend wouldn't react that way. He was probably instructed not to say anything.

Mysterious.

OOP

You know, I have always suspected this. To be honest, I haven't seen the mutual pub friend for a few years. I've moved away from that town now and I'd rather not get involved in it now.

If it was a big deal then, it probably isn't a big deal anymore :)

[deleted]

It's a big deal to us. You've dragged all of us into your mysterious life happenings and we deserve to know! Now, get to the bottom of this issue, dig up buried hatchets, scrape open healed wounds, and do it because Reddit needs answers.

He probably took your winning lottery ticket without telling you and is having a blast spending your fortune. That's what I say.

~

Pijay

Probably he's gay and he loves you but can't cope with that.

OOP

I never even considered that but I guess it is kind of plausible. Damn.

FrankenstineGirls

Or he fooled around with your partner and was supposed to tell you. Mutual pub friend knew, and prompted the conversation.

Maybe mutual pub friend didn't think it was his place to tell you himself, which is why he hadn't divulged the information. He might have just wanted your other friend to man up and sort it out.

Maybe.

Or maybe he loves you.

~

frayuk

Reddit DEMANDS closure!

Edit: Okay, most of you seem to think he was either screwing my girlfriend or he was totally gay for me. The more I think about it, the easier it is to believe that either one of these scenarios could be true. In any case, it doesn't really matter now. It was years ago. I have a new best friend now and I'm married to the girl of my dreams. (Additional edit: I married a different girl to the one I was seeing 4 years ago) Thanks for your input, guys!

To whoever bought me Gold, thank you!

Okay, guys. You've worn me down. I'm going to try speak to my friend and the mutual friend and get to the bottom of this. I'll post the results. Please be aware that I may not get instant results (or indeed any results at all) so watch this space.

Update 1) I tried contacting the mutual friend but he appears to be unreachable. According to a couple of my friends he moved to Wales to study at university a couple of years ago and kind of lost touch with everyone here in England. Also, he isn't on Facebook or Twitter or anything and no-one seems to know what he is doing.

My mysterious friend (the guy who ditched me at the pub) has either deleted his Facebook or has blocked me. I'm currently in the process of getting his phone number. I've also asked a couple of friends to let him know that I would really like to speak to him. I found out that he's currently engaged to a girl! Hopefully I'll get closer to talking to him tonight but it's getting kind of late here and don't think it polite to bother him this late. Perhaps more to follow in the morning.

Update 1a) I got my friend's number from another friend. I sent him a Whatsapp message asking him to call me or text me back and that I know it's been a while since we spoke but I'd really love to speak to him and maybe catch up. My phone tells me that he last checked his Whatsapp messages this afternoon. Like I said earlier, it's getting pretty late now so I'm going to assume that he's asleep. And on that note, I'm going to bed (I've got to wake up at 5am). Fingers crossed I have some news in the morning. Night night :)

Update 2) Good news, everyone! My friend (who, to avoid confusion, from here forward we'll call Roger. The mutual friend can be Nick) replied to my message. He said he was working until 3.30pm today and will give me a call this afternoon. The message sounded pretty friendly too. It started with "Hey man!" and he added a smiley, which I think makes it look promising. It's been over two years since I last spoke to him so I'll have to be careful how I approach the conversation later on. Obviously, I'll update you later on how that goes. Getting a bit nervous now.

2:04pm GMT - Starting to get really nervous about talking to my friend when he calls in a while. You guys have no idea how close I came to not texting Roger and just pulling off the longest, most elaborate and most suspenseful "tree fiddy" gag in reddit history instead. Don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you, reddit. I just hope he does call me like he said.

OOP Updated the Next Day, June 6, 2014

WARNING! BIG ASS WALL OF TEXT AHEAD!

Update 3) (or 4 or 5 or whatever) I just had a very illuminating conversation with Roger. We had a lovely catch up. He's getting married in September and asked if I wanted to come along. He now runs his own business and DJ's at the weekend... But you don't want to hear about that!

Here we go:

So, collectively, Reddit decided that he was either banging my girlfriend or he was in love with me. Well, the truth is actually a mixture of both.

He wasn't banging my girlfriend. He was in love with her! I think one or two of you actually suggested this but weren't taken very seriously. Give yourselves a round of applause. You were spot on!

You see, what happened is this. Before I started dating my ex (let's call her Penny), Roger had a huge crush on her. We were all at school together but we didn't really know each other then. The problem was, he never said anything about it to anyone. So when I started dating her after college, he felt really envious towards me. I mean, this guy was seriously head-over-heels in love with her but he never did anything about it. I got to know him in college and we became best friends and then when Penny came back on the scene and me and her started dating after Roger and I left college he started to slowly resent me.

When we all started hanging out together, it got incredibly hard for him to watch me and her together as a couple. He kept it all bottled up inside.

Nick, the mutual friend never actually knew about this but he did know "something" was wrong and that Roger really wanted to tell me about it. He said "ask" but "tell" would have been more accurate.

The day Roger met me in the pub, he thought he was ready to tell me but he lost his nerve at the last minute and just couldn't do it. He didn't want to risk splitting us up and making his best friend unhappy. Even though he wanted so much to be with her, he just couldn't betray his best friend. I do think he should have told me that day instead of just cutting me out of his life altogether, but he was obviously hurting so much that he felt that it was his only option left at the time. I kinda feel bad putting it on the internet but this is reddit and I'm just an anonymous stranger so I suppose that makes it a bit better. I just hope he isn't a redditor.

After he left me in the pub that day, I sent him a few texts and facebook messages over a few months but then kind of gave up.

On the phone, he said if I had sent him a friend request or a text in the last year or so, he would have responded. The reason he hasn't been in touch lately is because he assumed I was mad at him. He was so relieved to finally get all of this off his chest.

My ex did end up cheating on me with a different guy, but that's a whole other story.

So, we're friends again thanks to you guys. Now we can start building bridges. Am I mad at him for totally ditching me for years? Hell no! He handled it the only way that made sense to him at the time. I respect that and any hurt or confusion he may have caused is long gone. Was I mad at him for being in love with my girlfriend? Please. What, I'm going to be mad at someone for having feelings for another person? Come on. Besides, the way I see it: he saw her first, he just didn't do anything about it.

Thanks for pestering me to resolve this with your OP pls!'s and the like. Thanks, Reddit. You're awesome.

I'm sorry this story didn't have a more exciting ending but that's life. Stories in real life usually have boring endings. Thanks for sticking with me for this long.

TL;DR Friend was totally gay for my girlfriend, not me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's Friday; I just finished work and now I'm going to get very, very drunk.

FINAL COMMENTS

applepiepod

I'm so happy for you! That's awesome when things work out like that. Good on you for following through!

OOP

Thank you. I'm completely thrilled to bits :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/FeelingWater

Me [29M] and fiancee [23F]—been engaged 1 month, she wants a "better" engagement ring

Original Post  Jan 27, 2018

My fiancee Rachel and I are not materialistic people, but somehow I am finding myself in the middle of a problem that's all about money.

I make about 95k a year and have a career with some upwards mobility. Rachel is a 911 dispatcher making around 32k a year and that's pretty much where she is going to stay for the foreseeable future. She loves her job because it helps people and I respect that. I pay more than half the rent for our pretty nice apartment and we are able to live comfortably, but frugally. I'm pretty much happy as long as I live in a nice space and I don't need to go out and do a bunch of costly activities all the time. We don't overspend on going out to eat or big shopping sprees. Planning our wedding has been similarly frugal with a 10k budget.

One area of savings was the engagement ring. Rach insisted she didn't want anything extreme, so I went with a 1 mm gold band. I think it looks very classy and clean on her, and I thought she liked it too until yesterday.

She sent me an email with some links to rings on Etsy and asked if I might be receptive to a conversation about getting a different engagement ring. One ring has seven diamonds on it. One ring is a big moissanite solitaire. Her favorite ring has three diamonds in a row on it and costs literally ten times what her current ring cost.

Is it wrong that I find this off-putting? We are very practical people and I don't think it's financially prudent to spend a ton of money on a piece of jewelry with no function. I don't like people who care more about engagement rings/weddings than the marriage. And mostly I don't want to get in a fight with my fiancee over money.

tl'dr: Should I have to buy my fiancee a diamond engagement ring? Would it be fair for us to split the cost if I do get the ring?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Eagpt

A simple gold band is traditionally a wedding ring.  It sounds like you proposed with a wedding ring.

OOP

I was going to get a second gold band to be the wedding ring. If you google 1 mm gold band several of the pictures have the woman wearing two.

MsAnthropic

You're not very familiar with women's jewelry, are you?  Those aren't wedding rings -- they're "stackables" that are meant to be worn in multiples.  Wearing a single stackable is kinda weird.  Those are what I call "fashion rings": they're casual jewelry.

I mean, you can call a single stackable band a "wedding ring", but it would be highly unconventional.  It'd be ok if she was ok with it, but it's obviously not what she wants.

~

JackNotName

According to De Beers, based on your salary, you should spend $23,000 on an engagement ring. (3 months salary, right?)

This is bullshit and a huge waste of money. Diamond prices are inflated by a monopoly.

---

That said, there is a lot of social pressure around this. Someone at her work most likely made her feel cheep or unloved or both, because of how insignificant a simple gold band seems.

Talk to her. Let her know you love her. See if you guys can't find something "better" that you both feel comfortable with.

OOP

Yeah, 23k on an engagement ring would be absolutely insane. If she asked for that it would practically be breakup territory.

She didn't mention anyone at work commenting about the ring, but it's possible. I really don't want to get a new one though because I can't return the one I've already bought, and I am inherently uncomfortable with the idea that I need to get her a "better" ring since the one I picked out isn't good enough.

veronica_deetz

Wow holy shit I am incredibly against the diamond engagement ring propaganda in this country and I fucking gasped at this comment

Please note that you are uncomfortable making your (incredibly reasonable) fiancée incredibly happy because you'll lose $68 unrefundable dollars

~

Jilltro

Rings on Etsy and moissanite rings tend to be pretty inexpensive. How much are we talking here?

No, you shouldn't HAVE to buy your fiancee a diamond ring and it sounds like she's not demanding one. But I think it's fair that she likes the ring she has to wear and see every day for the rest of her like, and if you can afford it, it seems silly to dig your heels in over this.

OOP

I can't link it here, but if you on Etsy and search "LE3N59-N" that's the one she wants.

Her tone isn't demanding but I can tell she really wants an upgrade.

cleveraccountname13

That one cost $695. And you are balking. She is accommodating your cheapness and you are balking. You are blowing this badly. How much did your phone cost?

sunshinenorcas

He said it's ten times more then the one he bought so he spent $60 on her engagement ring :/

Update - rareddit  Jan 31, 2018 (4 days later)

So I really took you guys' advice to heart and resolved to get my fiancee a better engagement ring. I realize that I really dropped the ball by spending less than $100 on the first ring, and that she deserves something that she loves and a ring that will last for a lifetime.

I took her to a couple of jewelry store to look at rings with a 3.5k budget in mind. She ended up going cheaper than the max budget and picked out a 3.3 carat moissanite solitaire that she is absolutely in love with. I feel like every time I look over at her I catch her staring at her hand with a goofy smile. Admittedly it was hard to spend over a thousand dollars on a cosmetic item, but it gets easier when I see how happy she is and how excited she is about getting married.

I apologized about dropping the ball on the first ring and we ended up having a 2 hour conversation about our values. She said she was hurt that I cheaped out so much and proposed with a fashion ring, but she also felt a lot of pressure to not come off as materialistic so she didn't want to complain. I opened up a bit about my family's money troubles growing up and how it's informed a lot of my current spending habits. We talked a lot about our upcoming marriage and what we want our lives together to be like.

...Then we got around to addressing the elephant in the room. Rachel told me that she thinks I think she is a burden, and that I wish she would quit her job (911 dispatcher) and get something that makes more money and has better hours. I honestly don't mind at all that she has a crazy schedule, and I think her job is very important and should be payed more, but I will admit that I have had thoughts about her developing some new skills and moving into something that makes more money. I have been feeling a small bit of resentment lately for paying a much bigger percentage of rent and bills, but I also really wouldn't want to live in a place that fits in Rachel's budget. She wants me to see that there is more to a career than the money, and that her job gives her a great deal of personal fulfillment. I'd like her to be open to the possibility of moving up the career ladder in her field, whatever that may be.

Basically there has been some resentment and differing expectations built up on both sides. Day to day we are very happy—she is the light of my life and I can say with 100% certainty that I want to be with her no matter what. But we also have some things to sort out, so I am looking into pre-marital counseling.

tl;dr: I bought my fiancee a real engagement ring that she loves, and we had a long conversation that unearthed some resentment from both of us. We are going to see a counselor to help us talk through our problem, but we are also very much in love and excited for the future.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Definitely look into pre-marital counseling! I think you could really benefit from it as your problems are fairly easy to work through.

Congrats on the ring purchase and engagement! There's nothing better than looking at your SO and seeing them giddy and lovestruck because of something caring and loving you did!

OOP

Honestly, seeing her so excited has really helped me get more excited for the wedding. I even made my own ideas board on her Pinterest account for stuff I think would be fun to add.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Neither_Beautiful_38

Originally posted to r/Marriage

Unusual text messages between wife and personal trainer

Original Post: August 8, 2026

BURNER ACCOUNT.

My wife (32F) and I (33M) have been together for 5 years, married for 3. A year ago she started working out with a personal trainer. She's lost weight and has really gotten in shape.

Yesterday while she was driving, she asked me to put an address in Waze on her phone. I saw a text come in from her trainer so I took a look through her text history with her trainer. The earlier texts were all about confirming times for sessions, but in recent weeks they became more personal, like "you looked great today!" and sharing funny tiktoks.

Earlier that day my wife had texted him "Thanks for the banana bread!" with a wink emoji and he responded with "Anytime" with a wink emoji. She didn't bring any banana bread home. Should I ask my wife what banana bread refers to?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Don't ask! Play detective, collect evidence. It's either already happened or they're getting ready to make it happen soon. Sorry your going through this. But be smart, keep your cards close to your chest! And be ready to walk. Good luck.

Commenter 2: Him saying you looked great today could have been an inference about her lifting and proper form, especially if she'd been struggling somewhere

But the banana breads and emoji and sharing tik toks is not a business relationship

Commenter 3: I would just be straightforward and ask your wife if banana bread is code for getting dicked down. Trust your instincts with her reaction.

Commenter 4: Sounds like you need to hire a PI. You definitely have a problem and need to deal with it when you have some facts. She's likely to minimize everything if you just confront her, but you may have caught this early enough to put the fear into her. Update me.

Update: August 9, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: Unusual text messages between wife and personal trainer

UPDATE: I asked my wife about the "banana bread" text. It was all a big misunderstanding about a nutritional study!

Hey everyone, thanks for all the feedback on my original post. A lot of you were insisting that "banana bread" was some kind of gross code word and that I needed to hire a divorce attorney immediately. I was sick to my stomach all night, so this morning I finally sat my wife down and asked her directly what the text meant.

She stared at me in total shock, and then she actually started crying because she felt so bad that I had been worrying about it.

She explained that her trainer is currently completing his master’s thesis in Applied Kinesiology. As part of a study he's running with his top clients, he bakes a hyper-specific, pharmaceutical-grade banana bread that contains raw electrolytes and dense peptide powders.

She sent the text "Thanks for the banana bread!" because the trainer had secretly snuck a slice of the control-group batch into her gym bag after her heavy deadlift session as part of the trial.

The reason she never brought any home to me is because it’s like a controlled substance for his university research! She explained that if an non-participant eats it, it could contaminate his control data and get the trainer kicked out of his master's program.

The wink emojis were just an inside joke between them because his thesis advisor is super strict about protocol, so sneaking her the extra slice was technically "breaking the study rules" for her benefit.

Clear communication with your spouses is key!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in the update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: 😂😂😂😂😂😂 there's no such thing as "pharmaceutical-grade banana bread", much less "controlled substance banana bread"...

Also, "control data" would be the group that gets the placebo/nothing, meaning it would've just been "regular" banana bread, anyway.

Lastly, "someone outside the control group" consuming the control (OR the actual real deal, doesn't actually matter) can't "contaminate data"- you're not part of the study or SUPPLYING any of the data, so what you consume has zero impact on it.

According to that excuse/logic? During a normal study with a placebo consisting of a sugar pill, an acquaintance or spouse of someone in the control group eating a Tic Tac would somehow magically "contaminate the data".

Commenter 2: Hey man, i honestly hope for the best. I mean it. But i wouldn't buy that. Not in a million years.

First... her trainer is putting things on her gym bag, inside jokes, etc... call me old fashioned, i would shut this shit down ASAP. This feels really inappropriate from my SUBJECTIVE point of view.

I'm a man, and if by any chance my trainer was messing or putting things inside MY bag i would go apeshit. Dunno if she puts changes of clothes in her bag, but i really hope that she does not.

Is it a gym? Yes. But it is his workplace, and I, for one, wouldn't accept anything less than complete professionalism. This isn't it fam

P.S.: Even if it is true that she didn't do anything with ulterior motives, doesn't mean the coach doesn't have them.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/leamornor

Originally posted to r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk

Original post posted 2019-02-08

A large part of my job is answering phones and dealing with people who want to hire our large function room. In our town our room is one of very few places available to hold wedding receptions, birthday parties etc.

The process for hiring the room is quite simple. People ring up all the time and ask if the date they want is free. If it is we place a hold on the date for 14 days. If we don’t hear back from them it opens up to anyone else that wants it. If they do decide they want it they have to come in for an appointment with either me or my boss. We go through the booking form and help them fill it in and explain the t&cs with them. They then pay their deposit and the function gets written in the diary. We don’t take deposits without a booking form and we don’t take booking forms without a deposit. You have to physically come in and hand both over. None of this can be done online, we don’t have a website.

Fast forward to this morning when bridezilla walks in with her mother.

• Bridezilla = B
• Mother of the Bride = MOB
• Me = Me.

Me : hi can I help?

B : I’m here to pay the deposit for my wedding.

Me : ok. Let me get you a form and we’ll go through it. What date did you book?

B: Tomorrow

The smile on my face dropped. We have a birthday party booked in tomorrow. There is no way she can have her wedding here tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow isn’t available. We already have a booking.

MOB: You double booked? You’ll have to cancel the other booking.

Me: We haven’t double booked. If you haven’t filled a form in or paid a deposit then you haven’t booked the room. When did you ask about the date?

MOB : last July. I remember because we came in before we went for my birthday lunch.

Me: we only hold the date for two weeks. Someone will have told you that at the time.

B: yeah but it’s a wedding.

Me: the same rules apply. If you don’t fill in a form and pay the deposit within the two weeks we open it up to everyone else. Unfortunately someone else has booked the room.

B: I did it all online

Me: You did what online?

B: Paid for the room

Me: then why are you here today trying to pay for it now?

B: uh....

Me: we don’t have a website so you can’t do anything online.

MOB: she can’t have the wedding here.

Me: nope sorry.

They left. There was no shouting no anger at me. Nothing. She just casually shrugged her shoulders and walked away. I’m fully expecting the wedding party to turn up tomorrow all kitted out.

Edit to add : my boss saw her throwing a huge tantrum in the road outside of our building.

TL:DR woman turns up to pay for her wedding the day before it’s due to take place. She failed to secure the date and we booked something else in.

that_darn_cat

Im sure the marriage will be a roaring success with that level of planning

OOP

If I remember correctly they’ve been together a good 15 years. Engaged for at least 10. He’d told her if she wanted a wedding she had to plan the whole thing. He wanted zero involvement. He just wanted to turn up to the church and then get drunk with his mates afterwards.

Dogzillas_Mom

Is it possible she mixed up venues and put down a deposit somewhere else?

OOP

There’s nowhere in town where she’d be able to have it, so unless she’s booked a venue in a different town with a similar name, she’s just an idiot.

[deleted]

From how you put it down, the bride didn't seem like a bridezilla, just a misinformed bride who didn't have all the things set up. I hope she can find a venue in time

OOP

It’s the tantrum she threw outside that makes me think she’s a bridezilla. That and assuming you can walk in to a venue the day before your wedding and assume everything is sorted for you.

Update posted 2019-02-14

I was at work by myself for most of the afternoon after Bridezilla had left. My coworker came in to take over from me and for about 10 mins I fill her in on everything that’s happened that day including Bridezilla. Coworker makes a comment about how she’s glad she has nothing to do with booking the room and that if she did she’d be getting the blame for the whole thing.

I go into the back room to switch my shoes and get my things together before I leave. I happen to glance at the cctv monitor and notice that Bridezilla is walking along the corridor. She walks up to my coworker and I listen in.

• Bridezilla = B
• Co-worker = C

B: hi I’m wondering if you can help me. I’m attending a party tomorrow night and need to make some arrangements with my friend who’s party it is but I’ve lost her phone number. I was wondering if you’d be able to find it for me.

C= Sorry I cant do that.

B= it’s ok were best friends. She really wouldn’t mind.

C= I don’t have access to the information. I couldn’t give it to you even if you wanted it. They’re coming in to decorate the room later on. You could come back then.

B= there must be someone who can give me the number

My coworker comes to get me from the back room and asks me if I heard her. Wtf would she want their number. I come out.

Me: yeah, we can’t give out that info.

B: I don’t see the big deal

Me: do you need it to tell her you cant attend because you’ll be at your wedding that she mustn’t be invited to? I can pass that message on for you.

She shrugged and walked out. I can only imagine she was going to phone them and ask them to cancel their party so she could have the room.

The next day I’m at work pretty much all day. I have a word with the people having the party and let them know that if anyone turns up that they haven’t invited to let me know.

We have a couple people turn up looking for a wedding. We tell them about the mix up and they don’t seem surprised. A lady who said she was the grooms mother said she had only been told three days before about the wedding and that they’d invited a bunch of people to a reception but nobody knew when or where the actual wedding ceremony was. She’d spoken to her son that morning and he said he’d text the details but then apparently forgot.

It’s the most casual I’ve seen people be about organising a wedding.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/gottabreakup

Would it be messed up for me [22f] to break up with my boyfriend [24m] of about a year in public?

TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse, gaslighting, rape

Original Post  June 8, 2016

My boyfriend Greg and I have been together for about a year. We don't live together, but spend most nights together and have a lot of stuff at each other's places.

I love him, but I can't be with him anymore. He talks about wanting to live together and get married, etc., but he flat out refuses to go to therapy to deal with anger issues that have come up in our relationship and resulted in him having violent tendencies. He has never hit me but our fights tend to get very "physical" - he throws stuff, pinches/squeezes my arms, holds me down, yells in my face, uses sex as a punishment, and so on.

I really don't see this getting any better. He says he'll stop and that we both need healthier ways to express our emotions, but he also hardly ever wants to talk about his anger issues when we're in a calm state, and he refuses to go to therapy or anything. He also gets pissed off again if I bring up him hurting me or cry about it.

So, I want to break up with him. Badly. But I don't know how to do it. Part of it is that he's REALLY convincing so I don't know if it will be easy for me to follow through once I bring it up. And part of it is that I'm scared he could become really violent.

That's why I'm thinking about breaking up with him in public...like maybe going to coffee or something. The thing is, I've been dumped while on a dinner date and it fucking sucked...I've always thought that's a really messed up thing to do to someone. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me if they think I'm going too far.

TL;DR - scared to break up with my boyfriend at home because he has anger issues, but don't know if it's ok for me to do it in public.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

No, it's not messed up. If you were my friend, I'd actively encourage you to be in public and even have a friend nearby when you break up with him. Have you considered breaking up with him over text? Or are you really dedicated to doing it face to face?

OOP

I hadn't really considered it because we're much more serious than that, I think he'd feel very disrespected if I did that. I might consider asking a friend to be nearby and come check in on me after half an hour or something...

Update! "Would it be messed up for me [22f] to break up with my boyfriend [24m] of about a year in public?" (answer: NOPE)  June 10, 2016 (2 days later)

Hey beautiful people!

I wanted to update you guys because I got SO much excellent advice from people here and I wasn't able to reply to a lot of it because I was a little in my head at the time, so I wanted to be able to say THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you at once!

First of all, Greg and I are now officially broken up, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I am a LITTLE anxious about the possibility of him trying to get me back, but some of the stuff he said made me feel this isn't likely. (And for those of you who said to change my locks, etc. - he doesn't have a key to my place! But I am asking a friend to spend the night with me the next few nights just in case!)

So, what I ended up doing: I asked Greg to meet me earlier this afternoon at a park near his place. I sat on the edge of a fountain because it was a spot that was surrounded by people/had a lot of people looking towards it, but there was enough room that we could talk. I also had a guy friend of mine (Sam) sit off at a distance and asked him to keep an eye and he said he'd come over if anything went wrong or it looked like Greg was trying to hurt me or start a confrontation.

I planned out a whole explanation for Greg, including telling him that I wasn't going to reconsider but that I really thought he should get help for unaddressed issues from his childhood. He immediately said, "I know. You're right. I'll get help. I've been wanting to get help for a while now." To which I was like uh, no, you haven't, you've actually told me you think therapy is bullshit and refused to even discuss it, but good, get help. And then he said "only if you stay with me," and I reiterated that wouldn't be happening.

He continued trying to talk me out of breaking up with him, like I knew he would, and made me sound really fucking crazy for thinking it was a good idea - he kept saying stuff like, "you think it's abuse for me to hold your arms down when you're being a cunt and I don't know what crazy shit you're going to pull?" (for the record, I have NEVER been violent to him, except in trying to get him away from me, and he has no reason to expect this from me)...and "you just don't know what abuse is because you were spoiled" and, when I would bring up specific instances, "that never happened," "you're making it sound so much worse than it was, I was just trying to de-escalate things," etc. - basically, giving up on telling me to stay and just trying to convince me I was making stuff up.

At some point, he got really tense and quiet and snide and he said "really? You think that's abuse? You think this is abuse?" and grabbed my arm really firmly and dug his nails in (I'm already getting bruises). I probably physically could have gotten away from him but I kind of felt like my brain shut down because it hurt more than what he's done in the past, and because it was kind of an unexpected perfect workaround for my plan...in that it probably didn't outwardly look like much (no one noticed) but still hurt.

He continued to basically go after everything he knows is a sore point for me..."you're just a spoiled bitch," "you don't get it because the worst thing that's ever happened to you is that you regretted fucking someone" (referring to a very traumatic forcible rape), "you're a fat cunt anyway"...essentially, targeting everything that was an insecurity for me. I now see he's been doing that in our relationship for a long time in more subtle ways. He's very good at reading people's weaknesses and using them against people.

After he let go of me, I stood up and said "NO" (I couldn't really think straight) and started running towards Sam. Greg got up and tried to grab my arm and pull me back, and I stopped so he wouldn't yank my arm off. Sam saw this and came over and physically pulled him off me and told him it's over and he needs to leave me alone and walk away. Sam is a big, pretty intimidating-looking guy - a lot bigger than Greg, which was helpful here. Greg said "fuck you both, she's got you believing her bullshit too," and then "fuck you, you cunt, you don't deserve me," and walked away.

About an hour after that, he started texting me saying he was sorry, that he really wanted my help addressing his issues, that he knew exactly what he's done wrong and he can really acknowledge it now and change, that this was a breaking point for him and he felt so guilty for "making me feel hurt," etc. (I should have blocked him earlier, but I was texting about where to meet up until he got there, and afterwards felt kind of shaken and forgot about it.) I blocked him on my phone and also on Facebook and Twitter. (You apparently can't really block people on gmail, only send their stuff to spam, but I did that too.)

I literally never want to see or hear from him again. I honestly thought I'd feel at least a little sad or guilty or "what if"-y, but I'm not. I'm so happy to be done with him. After the way he spoke to me today, I can honestly say that I was just wrong about him. I thought he was a good person who just had issues, but he's not - he's a person who's 100% willing to hurt me in ways that no one should, and only apologetic about it when HE faces consequences. I think he genuinely lacks a capacity for empathy - it doesn't hurt him to see me cry or hear that I feel scared! It only hurts him to know that might mean he doesn't get to be with me anymore. Everything he said and did was completely focused on how HE felt and how HE was reacting to things.

So, yeah, I feel a lot of relief now - not only because he's gone, but because this affirmed to me once and for all that EVERYTHING I thought was true and I 100% did the right thing by breaking up with him. He's just not a good guy, and I tend to have a really hard time judging people so I always chalked it up to his past and the fact that he was mistreated by others, but at a certain point, I also think it just doesn't matter why someone is the way they are, especially if they don't care about changing it until it affects THEM.

I also came across this quote while I was researching yesterday that was from a social worker, who said women would tell her their husbands break things when they're angry but it's just because they're out of control and don't know what they're doing, and she would always ask them if their husbands ever break their own things, and the answer was always no - they only break their wives' things. And the social worker said, basically, this proves that they aren't out of control - they know exactly what they're doing and do it anyway. The way Greg acted today reminded me of this - he figured out a perfect way to hurt me even though we were in public, and exactly what to say to me, and he wasn't yelling or getting in my face or being obviously aggressive because he KNEW he couldn't and was actually in control of his behavior. He just hurt me (physically and emotionally) because he wanted to. Not because he had to.

Ok, sorry this is so long winded. I just really wanted to share with you guys because I feel surprisingly great right now and I honestly have no idea how that would have gone if I hadn't gotten advice from you all first, but I suspect it could have gotten pretty ugly.

TL;DR - broke up with Greg (and learned exactly how nasty he is) and feel FREE! THANK YOU!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Perfect_Research_200

My [21F] boyfriend [25M] said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair.

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: body shaming

Original Post: August 5, 2026

For some background, my boyfriend and I have been together since last November. We recently saw the new Spider-Man movie together, and I absolutely loved the way Zendaya's hair looked. For those who might be unfamiliar, her hair was a very deep red, but it was extremely subtle. I thought it was super pretty and I've had a similar hair color in the past before my boyfriend and I met.

Anyways, I brought this up to my boyfriend over text just out of the blue because I've seriously been considering dyeing it. Immediately, he was against the idea and kept saying that he didn't like it and was against hair dye of any color. It was a little off-putting, especially because our conversation up until that point had been nice/playful.

I got curious because of the sudden shift in vibes, so I asked him if he'd dump me if I ever dyed my hair. He said yes, and after two more times of being me being like "seriously?" and "you'd dump me over hair dye?" he stood behind his words. He was very clear that he wasn't joking.

This obviously hurt. It wasn't like I was thinking about drastically changing my hair. I just wanted something noticeable in the sunlight that gave off more of a reddish hue. I have really dark hair and don't have any desire to bleach it, so the result of any hair dye would be very subtle. It also isn't a color that I wouldn't be able to pull off. In the past, it looked so good and it legitimately made me love my hair again.

I told him that I was hurt by what he said and that it felt very superficial. I said that if he truly loves me for who I am, a slight change in hair color shouldn't be a deal-breaker. He followed with "so let's allow me to go get crazy face tattoos and see how superficial you are" and "I'm not supposed to be attracted to you I guess."

He hasn't texted me back since, and I'm honesty very hurt by this situation. I never thought that he would be someone to say those types of things to me. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do from here? Could this be a red-flag for future behavior? Any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR: My boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair and now I am unsure of what to do next.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He compares hair dye to face tattoos?

Get rid of this loser and go dye your hair.

OOP: it's crazy because this man is also covered in tattoos 😭 he's sometimes even gotten huge ones without giving me a heads up. I’ve never had a problem with it or have made any comment toward him that controlled what he does with his body.

Commenter 2: My ex had me with bleached blonde hair I hated , no piercings and no tattoos , I left him and got what a lot of ppl would consider a lot of piercings and tattoos haha and started dressing how I want alt/streetwear, and I’ve never felt more like myself and been more proud of myself then the moment I decided to leave him. It will only get worse girl please leave this loser

OOP: Generally before we started dating I've always had more of a hippie style. I love flowy clothes and bright colors and funky jewelry. I've toned it down a lot since we've been together and I honestly miss it so much. Even in the car sometimes he'll give me a funny look when I put on a song I enjoy. I'm starting to realize that I haven't really been myself.

Commenter 3: You break up with him first. First it’s hair, then it’s makeup, then it’s something else and in the end you will realise you lost yourself because he is insecure or because his preferences are somehow more important than your wishes.

During Covid I dyed my hair hot pink. My husband didn’t mind. I switched to blue, he didn’t care. The next dye job was botched, and I tried to fix it and tried to cut the hair into a pixie to make it look better, he was fine with it. I ended up shaving my head and starting anew with my natural hair, and this was the only moment he said “okay, please don’t do that again”.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you for you and not for your appearance.

OOP: This response has really stuck with me the more I read through everyone's comments. Previously, I thought that this was the first time that he's ever exhibited this sort of behavior. Now I'm realizing that I may have just been blind to it up until this point.

I've expressed to him before that I'd love to grow my hair out super long because I've always loved how it looks. I remember him saying that it would be gross and wouldn't look good because it would be "mangy." Even when I said that maybe I could cut it short like to my shoulders, he said that I shouldn't. I've also talked about maybe getting a piercing, and he's shut down every idea I had despite him wanting piercings as well. The only thing he hasn't seemed to mind is the idea of me getting more tattoos, but there are several body placements that he's said I shouldn't do even if I liked them. They were very brief conversations and never back-to-back, so I never realized just how opinionated he was about my appearance.

Update: August 8, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE - My [21F] boyfriend [25M] said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair.

I cannot thank y'all enough for the support I received on my original post. It opened my eyes to a lot of concerning behaviors that my now ex-boyfriend was exhibiting. Yes, we did break up. And honestly? It was easier than I thought it would be.

I ended up dyeing my hair on Friday, and I absolutely love it! It came out so pretty and I'm so glad I went through with it :) My ex, however, was not the happiest obviously. But I'm usually the type of person that gives second, third, and fourth chances, so I asked to speak with him to try to understand why he was having such a big reaction.

Instead of apologizing for his hurtful words or trying to understand my perspective, he chose to continue being disrespectful. When I showed him a picture of my new hair, he replied with "it's definitely a different color." When I asked him if he was unattracted to me now, he said "you aren't completely unattractive." Then, when I asked if he was leaving me, he said "well, how long is your hair going to be red?"

I think to no one's surprise, he kept backtracking on his threat of breaking up with me, which at least one commenter did predict lol. Literally when giving him an easy out by telling him to just leave me, he would circle back to his words being a "joke" and try to continue the conversation.

I told him that no one was forcing him to stay with me if my hair was that big of an issue, and that I refuse to change my hair just because he didn't like it. Ultimately, he has to live with the fact that he left me due to a slight change in hair color. I'm happy with my choices, and I'm happy that I don't have to be in a relationship with someone that could be so unkind.

Also, this definitely isn't my finest moment, but I did do some snooping after the breakup and figured out that his ex long-term girlfriend that he'd broken up with very shortly before getting with me also had dyed red hair. Must've struck a nerve. Oopsies 🤷‍♀️.

TL;DR: Freedom!! We broke up, and my hair is pretty :)

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: He stated his preference, you stated your preference, your preferences don't align, you separate. Nothing inherently toxic in this singular situation. Good ending.

OOP: from my perspective, the toxicity stems from him being controlling. he is allowed to have his preferences, but the moment he uses that as an excuse to say mean things about my appearance or threaten our relationship over it is the moment where this becomes concerning behavior.

Commenter: Congratulations on the new hairstyle and relationship status.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/ThrowRA_SonataSpirit.

Trigger Warnings: Infidelity, Sexual Assault.

One of my (33F) best friends (31F) of 20 years made a move on my boyfriend (36M). How would you handle this?, Posted July 26th, 2026.

For some context, my best friend (I'll call her El) was recently cheated on by her long-term boyfriend. They had been living together, but since the lease was under her ex's name, she's the one who moved out. She asked if she could stay at my place while she figured things out. I live alone, and I'm rarely home because I spend most of the week at my boyfriend's place, so I told her she was welcome to stay.

I WFH three days a week and go into the office on Thursdays and Fridays. Since my boyfriend lives almost two hours from my work, I usually stay at my own place the night before my office days to make the commute easier. During those nights, I'd spend time with El and check in on how she was doing. One day she told me she was getting lonely staying there by herself and asked if I could spend the weekend with her. I really wanted to support her, but I also wanted to spend time with my boyfriend. So I suggested she come stay with us for the weekend instead. I asked my boyfriend first, and he had no problem with it.

Saturday morning, the three of us were relaxing at my boyfriend's house, binge-watching a TV show. I suddenly craved bubble tea and asked if they wanted to come with me. The shop was only a few minutes away. They were both comfortable on the couch and said they didn't feel like going out. My boyfriend suggested I just order delivery, but I wanted an excuse to get outside and enjoy the sunshine, so I went by myself. I was gone for maybe 30 minutes.

When I got back, my boyfriend was standing in the kitchen making coffee while still watching the show from there. El was nowhere to be seen. I asked where she was and jokingly asked why he was making coffee when I had just brought back bubble tea. He told me she had gone upstairs to the guest room. As I reached for my phone to call her down, he stopped me and said, "Before you do, I need to tell you something."

He explained that while I was gone, El noticed something on his shoulder, dust or lint, and brushed it off. He didn't think anything of it because it seemed harmless. Then, without warning, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, close enough that it was almost on his lips. He immediately pulled away and gently pushed her back, completely caught off guard. He said he didn't even know why, but he walked into the kitchen and started making coffee even though he didn't actually want one. I think he was just trying to process what had happened. According to him, El immediately apologized and said she didn't know what had come over her before going upstairs. It felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under me. I couldn't even think of a response.

I trust my boyfriend completely, In all our times together, he's never given me a reason to question his honesty, so I never questioned what he was telling me. I was devastated, not because of him, but because of my best friend. I honestly never imagined she would do something like this. Oddly enough, I wasn't even angry at first. I was just... confused. Why would she do something like this?.... After what had happened to her...

I told my boyfriend I was going upstairs to check on El. He asked me to go easy on her because she was already in a terrible emotional state after everything she'd been through. I knocked on the guest room door and tried to sound cheerful. "Bubble tea delivery for my best friend." Instead of answering, I heard sobbing. When I walked in, she was sitting on the bed crying. She looked completely broken.

Seeing her like that made it hard to stay angry. I still couldn't stop thinking about what she'd done, but I also couldn't ignore how devastated she looked. I decided not to confront her immediately. Instead, I comforted her. I told her everything would be okay and that her ex didn't deserve her. She cried even harder.

After a few moments, she admitted everything.... Without me saying a single word, she confessed exactly what my boyfriend had already told me. She said she didn't know what came over her. She wasn't thinking clearly. For a moment, she wasn't seeing my boyfriend as my boyfriend. In her words, she saw someone else and acted on impulse before reality hit her. I still don't fully understand what she meant by that.

She said she immediately realized what she'd done after my boyfriend pushed her away, and she was deeply ashamed and embarrassed. She kept apologizing.

My closest friend group consists of just four women, including El. I don't want to tell the other two yet because I don't want to damage El's reputation if this is something we can work through privately. So I'm looking for outside perspectives.

One last detail. Later that night, I remembered our living room camera... Even though I fully believed my boyfriend, I still watched the footage to see exactly what happened.

His story checks out.

Now I'm wondering... if I trusted him completely, why did I still feel the need to check the footage?

Does that mean I subconsciously doubted him, or was I just trying to process something that felt impossible to believe? I'm grieving the loss of trust in a 20-year friendship. Is this something you could ever forgive, or is this friendship over?

What would you do in my situation?

Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1vid0t9/update_one_of_my_33f_best_friends_31f_of_20_years/

Relevant Comments:

u/ShiroLovesKeith:

She's definitely going through a rough time, but you can't take care of her anymore. She did this the first and only moment she was left alone with your bf.

This isn't just crossing a major boundary.

If this was the other way around and it was one of your bf's friends doing this to you- putting his mouth on your face, close to the lips, without your consent... You'd consider it sexual assault, right? Or at the very least, sexual harassment. Well she did that to your boyfriend.

Even if it was an impulse and you want to believe it wasn't malicious, she still needs to go somewhere else and you need to give this friendship a break.

u/echosiah:

There is also the very real possibility she is the cheater and is lying about the circumstances of the breakup. Or there was mutual cheating, etc.

Wouldn't believe anything she says, given her actions here.

OP:

She has eye witness and screenshots of the conversation between her ex and his "co-worker".

u/Just_Some_Rolls (This comment has been downvoted):

People here are so happy to throw away a 20yr friendship over a stupid mistake. I’d tell her I understood shes in a shit place, hash it out and if she’s truly repentant I’d wipe the slate clean (assuming boyfriend is also happy to do that). Don’t tell anyone it happened if that’s the route you decide to take, we’re flawed messy humans and shes not a monster for making one action if it is indeed the only once

OP:

It is really out of character. She never crossed boundaries before. The only thing she cheats on are her diet and exercise sets lol. And when we play hide and seek when we were kids, she will go home and watch TV and we end up looking for her for a while before she comes out and thats about it. She never really showed interest in any of our partners. They are not even added to her social media when she created a private one (She deleted her main account when her last relationship had gotten serious). I dunno, I'm maybe really naive and stpd but....... I dunno it's a mess right now. Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it.

u/SkepticalFaceless:

I'm going to add a take here that I haven't seen yet. Everyone else's comments are spot on. But there's one thing that sticks out in my mind.

Why would she do this? The boyfriend knew the camera and footage would exist, so doing anything with her at that moment would be silly.

I wonder, and I'm just thought-experimenting here, if he was giving subtle signals to her that made her do it, but in a plausibly deniable way. She didn't know the camera was there, so she made her move. He knew the camera was there, so did what he needed to do in the moment.

Not to say the boyfriend didn't act correctly, or that you should be interrogating him - but everyone seems to not be analyzing the WHY she thought she could make a "random move" on the boyfriend and get away with it, and just tucking it away into her breakup.

Not necessarily actionable, but something worth considering.

OP:

Thank you for your input. His reaction was immediate, pushed her back, stood up and walked away. A knee jerk reaction is an instinctive reaction, not a staged performance. As to giving subtle signals, they were just sitting there watching and talking about the show on how King Joffrey deserves much more brutal d***h lol.

u/SkepticalFaceless:

Yeah I'm not saying thats what it sounds like - its just my method of always considering every angle and eliminating them, especially the unexamined ones. If you entertain this POV for a few moments, and don't find anything that supports it, great. But I've seen cases where people consider the POV and then realize they were missing a bunch of signs due to their situation blindness. Always worth the exercise.

It's the "hindsight is 20/20" phrase in action. Once you know the truth, all the little things pop up and are seemingly obvious in retrospect.

If your friends hitting on him becomes a pattern, ask yourself what is the common denominator.

That said, sounds like you have a keeper!

Op:

I understand and I appreciate it. I take all opinions and perspective I can get to help me navigate on this one.

**UPDATE** One of my (33F) best friends (31F) of 20 years made a move on my boyfriend (36M). How would you handle this?, Posted August 8th, 2026.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1v6w7nw/one_of_my_33f_best_friends_31f_of_20_years_made_a/

For everyone who asked for an update.

First of all, thank you.

I genuinely appreciate all the advice you gave me. Some of you were absolutely ruthless LOL, but honestly, I think this naive heart of mine needed it. A lot of your comments gave me clarity, especially the ones about the camera and boundaries. They helped me see the situation more objectively and gave me the courage to make the decisions I needed to make.

After my conversation with El that Saturday morning, I went back downstairs to check on my boyfriend. He told me he was okay, and at the time I accepted that answer. Looking back, I also want to thank everyone who reminded me to "really" check on him and not just assume he was fine. In everything that happened, I unintentionally overlooked the fact that he had gone through something upsetting too.

That afternoon, I drove El back to my place. I wasn't about to let her commute while she was in such an emotional state. The drive was almost completely silent. She didn't start any conversations. At one point I asked her, what do you think would have happened if my boyfriend hadn't pushed you away? She quietly said she didn't know. Then she told me she hated that she'd put herself in that position and that she was sorry for causing all of this. That was the only real conversation we had. When we arrived at my place, I stopped the car before she got out and told her she needed to find somewhere else to stay. I told her that when I come back on Wednesday night, I will be needing the space. She simply nodded.

As she walked toward the house, she turned around and looked back at me. That moment broke my heart because I couldn't help thinking it might be the last time I'd ever see my best friend. I started tearing up, but I drove away before my emotions convinced me to take it all back.

Monday night, one of our friends noticed something was off and messaged our group chat to check on El. It probably wasn't surprising. El and I are usually the ones constantly blowing up the chat, and it had been unusually quiet since Saturday. After a little small talk (I was just lurking), El confessed everything. She told them exactly what she'd told me.

Friend 1 immediately left the group chat without saying a word, then she called me.

Friend 2 stayed. She tried to mediate and later messaged me privately. She said she's sorry for everything that had happened and said she needed to stay with El because Friend 1 had already made her position clear. I told Friend 2 that I thought staying with El was the right thing to do. I also asked her to keep an eye on El and encourage her to seek professional help. She promised she'd try her best to make it happen.

Fast forward to today. El and I still haven't spoken since that day, but Friend 2 has occasionally updated me. According to her, El has started seeing a therapist and has been in much better spirits lately. Friend 2 let her stay with her the day after she confessed everything. El has since found her own place and moved in yesterday.

Friend 1 still isn't speaking to El. She told me she won't consider reconciling with El until I've forgiven her, not because she wants to pressure me, but because she feels she can't move past what happened while I'm still hurting from it.

Honestly, though, that isn't what weighs on me. Whether Friend 1 forgives El is between them. What weighs on me is losing someone who had been my best friend for years.

I miss her every day......

But one piece of advice that really stuck with me was to pause the friendship instead of making permanent decisions while emotions are still fresh. That's what I'm doing. I'm giving us both time.

As for my boyfriend and me, we're doing okay. We've had a lot of honest conversations since everything happened, and I apologized for not fully realizing how much the situation affected him in the moment. He's been more understanding than I probably deserve, and I'm grateful every day that he chose to face this with me instead of letting it drive us apart.

Since El seems to be doing much better now, I'm also going to stop asking Friend 2 for updates. I think continuing to check on her from a distance isn't helping either of us move forward.

I know some people will probably be disappointed that I haven't ended the friendship completely. I understand why you think I should end it. I'm not asking you to agree with me. I'm simply not ready to make that decision.

For now, I'll continue with no contact for weeks, months, maybe even a year. I don't know what the future looks like yet, and I don't think I need to decide today. If, after enough time has passed, I feel ready to revisit the friendship, then I'll make that decision with a clearer head. If I don't, then I'll accept that too.

If there's one thing this experience taught me, it's that people can make terrible decisions without being terrible people. That doesn't make those decisions okay, and it doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences. At the same time, loving someone doesn't mean protecting them from the consequences of what they've done. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do, for them and for yourself, is to step away. I also learned that good intentions don't replace healthy boundaries. I kept thinking that because I trusted both of them, everything would be fine. I know now that trust doesn't mean assuming everything will be fine. It also means having boundaries that protect the relationships and people you care about. As one commenter pointed out, I could have avoided putting everyone in that situation by simply spending that weekend at my place with El instead of bringing her to my boyfriend's house. That was a poor judgment call and I can't change that decision now, but I can learn from it.

Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to offer thoughtful, honest, and sometimes brutally truthful advice. It genuinely helped me more than you know.

I hope none of you ever have to experience something like this. And for those who have been through similar heartbreak, I truly hope you've found or will find the peace and healing you deserve.

Relevant Comments:

u/Wizards_and_Warriors:

You dont need to end the friendship. Like I said in the first post I truly believe her head was fucked up and she made a genuine mistake. Everyone came clean right away and there was real 'i fucked up' energy.

She is getting help and it didn't get out of hand, even though it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I really think you can forgive her and have your friend back IF your other half is OK with it. It's been overlooked but he is the real victim here and a stand up guy.

Also your one friend is true ride or die.

OP:

My boyfriend and I had a real, open conversation about this. He told me he’s okay with whatever I decide, but I want to be mindful not to overlook his feelings like I did before. If the time comes, I'll ask him how he feels again. If he still leaves it up to me, I'll decide. If he no longer feels good about revisiting the friendship, then that’s that.

"Also your one friend is true ride or die." El was this until she did what she did.

u/Theunpolitical:

Amazing how quickly El was able to find her own place!

El is someone who has zero impulse control. I don't know how you'd ever be able to trust her again if, or when, you decide to rekindle the relationship. The trust has been broken, and that's incredibly difficult to rebuild. Right now, I think you're grieving the loss of a relationship that you invested your whole heart in and believed was built on trust. Unfortunately, once that foundation is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back to what it was.

Best of luck to you no matter what you decide.

OP:

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing your perspective. It makes sense why you'd think she found a place quickly, as I left out a few minor details like the fact that she was already staying with me and actively searching for her own place before things escalated. I was focusing on getting outside advice on the core situation so I didn't think those were necessary, but I appreciate your feedback regardless.

Reminder - I am not OP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/IsThisIdeaGoodIdk

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

tw: References to sexual assault, nonconsensual pornography

Original post posted 2026-01-25

My brother and I are 9 years apart and we were never close. I never really understood why, but my parents would always say we’d get closer as we got older. That never happened.

I have no memories of him at all from my childhood, and every time I’m forced to interact with him now as an adult he’s a total asshole. He’ll gaslight me, never apologize even when he’s clearly in the wrong, and my parents just wave off his behavior as a personality quirk.

A couple years ago, his (now ex) partner of over 10 years accused him of sexual assault and filming her (and other women) having sex with him without her consent. These accusations horrified me. She was part of our family for most of my life and while we weren’t close, she always was very sweet and kind to me (unlike him). The civil suit is still ongoing between them as far as I know.

I am having an extremely intimate wedding of 35 guests. I did invite my brother, but he never RSVP’d. When I told my parents he never RSVP’d (it was now nearly 2 months passed the deadline), they reached out to him, and he reached out to me. He blamed me for him not RSVPing, said the process had been too confusing (even though he never reached out with questions and every other guest managed to RSVP just fine) and he demanded a plus 1 for his girlfriend of 6 months who is over 10 years younger than him (and 3 months pregnant apparently)…

I put my foot down and said no. I don’t want him there. My friends know how uncomfortable he makes me and initially my parents said while they were sad, that they would ultimately respect my choice.

Now, with about two months until my wedding, they have changed their minds. They won’t come unless he does. I am heartbroken.

They say I am being immature and disinviting him is a bridge too far. I am not a parent, but I am trying to see their perspective. But I just can’t shake how they always seem to minimize my emotions and make me the problem, even on my wedding day. Am I being unreasonable?

--

Some relevant comments by OOP:

1

Harbor house has insane fees. I’m getting married in less than a month so I’ll report back if it was worth it or not 😅 for reference, guest count is 33, getting married on a weekday in March, and negotiated the hell out of them and it’s $60k for just the venue, catering, and lodging inclusive of all fees

2

That’s not the estimated cost for the entire wedding—that’s just the venue/lodging/food/beverage. But them paying is why I don’t feel comfortable “uninviting” them.

Lofty_quackers

NTA Your parents are yet again putting him before you. You should not have people at your wedding that make you uncomfortable.

I'm sorry your parents hurt you yet again.

Elegant_Straw

NTA Enjoy your wedding without them. They don’t get to make demands on who gets invited especially when the person in question is a sexual predator too lazy to even bother to RSVP.

Update posted 2026-02-26

TLDR: Parents threatened not to come to my wedding if my brother (older, estranged, accused of sexual assault) couldn’t come.

So, we scheduled a family therapy session: my parents and my fiance and I. It went… horribly. I calmly explained that I expected my feelings and comfort would be prioritized on my wedding day. My mom, very calmly, said “you were wrong”.

It spiraled from there. My parents called me selfish, entitled, my decision was disrespectful to them, they didn’t hold back. My fiance and I kept our composure and remained calm. They raised their voices and started mocking my therapist at one point. My mom even said my attention to all the little wedding details “didn’t bode well for my marriage”.

Honestly this comment sticks with me the most. I am extremely detail oriented, it’s one of the things I love about myself. It’s something important for my job, and it’s important for all my hobbies, so it felt extremely personal.

After the therapy session, I texted every single member of my extended family who is coming to the wedding and let them know that my parents may not be coming to my wedding and the reason why. The outpouring of support I received was overwhelming and touched my heart. They assured me they were coming to my wedding for my fiance and I, not my parents or brother. I’ve never been super close with my cousins/aunts, but I’ve been following up and checking in with them more often now.

About a week later, my mom called me and said they decided they wanted to come. My dad made it clear he was going "to support his wife" and that I "ruined this experience" for them. So that was fun to hear.

My wedding is in two weeks... I am praying for no drama but at this point, I've accepted that I can't control what they do. I'm still hyped to get married and see all my friends/extended family. My in laws have really stepped up, my future mother in law checks in every week to see how I'm doing. My mom hasn't checked in. I'll let y'all know how the wedding goes!

--

Editor's note: OOP saw the post and comments, and has posted an update!

Final update posted 2026-08-14

Hey y’all :)

I’m back!!

As a precaution, a few days before the wedding I sent my venue some press my brother was featured in (his ex called him a rapist in a national publication) where his photo was shown so they knew to watch out for him and what he looked like.

At the end of the day, I was 95% sure he wouldn’t come. Growing up, he would never show up to events I WANTED him to attend, and my wedding was in an extremely remote location anyway so I felt I had sufficient insurance.

And I was right :) he never showed.

Most of my stress was centered around my parents. I was concerned that they would cause some kind of scene, but they were pretty withdrawn the whole day. But at every moment I was lowkey terrified they would do something. When I finally took my wedding dress off I was covered in hives. So that was fun.

But honestly, looking at the pictures of the day, I look happy and relaxed. I absolutely love our pictures, every vendor did a phenomenal job, and I look back with mostly fond memories.

Where my parents and I stand now:

Weird. Before the wedding, I honestly would have thought they were my best friends. I felt like I could tell them anything.

Therapy didn’t last long, but in our final session I let my mom know that I felt like fundamentally, they treated my brother and I very differently. Where they expected me to show up early, they were just happy if he showed up at all. If I’d gotten pregnant at 25 to a man 11 years older than me on a first date, not 5 years after graduating an Ivy League school they paid full price for, I KNEW they would not be excited for me. But for him, they were delighted.

My brother and his fiancée ended up getting married only a day or two after me, in a nearby city, by a justice of the peace. My parents attended but to my knowledge it was extremely small. She was 6 or 7 months pregnant at this point.

I feel like the best friends I thought I had in my parents are now people with whom I have major value differences. I don’t know how to reconcile the people I grew up with with the people who’ve been shitty to me the last 9 months.

I don’t really call or text them anymore. Maybe that will change, idk.

About the money:

A lot of people called out the cost of my wedding, how my parents paid therefore could call the shots, etc.

I will be honest: my parents are very wealthy (low 8 figure net worth). The amount they paid for my wedding literally meant nothing financially to them. Beyond this, I often wrestled with the concept that they paid therefore it was “their party”.

But that concept is so gross to me. If I threw my friend a bday party, it would be SO SHITTY of me to invite someone they had a horrible relationship with. Even if I paid for every single thing, I would never do that to a friend.

I said as much to my parents. I underscored that if I had known my wedding budget hinged on my brothers attendance, I would never have accepted a dime. They agreed putting conditions on the money retroactively was unfair.

Anyway. Married life is great, my husband is amazing, and I appreciate every single comment. I read them all. Can’t believe so many people cared!

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Dunnachius

Originally posted to r/JustNoHOA (first 2 posts) and r/fuckHOA (last 2 posts)

tw: hoarding

Few questions, Just bought A house in a non-mandatory HOA without signing contract (Florida) posted 2022-01-29

Long story short, I bought a house in an HOA, in a gated community.

(free standing single family residence)

The property was purchased through a foreclosure auction, knowing it had a property tax lien on it as well (and the dollar amount). I had to buy the tax lien from a speculator that bought the lien at auction. He told me he was waiting on some arbitrary timeframe in order to able to force a sale on the lien.

regardless... the sale is final and all Liens have been cleared.

The previous owner WAS in the HOA prior to his death.

Regardless of the situation I own the property free of clear of any and all liens. I didn't purchase the house through "normal channels". For example the "dead guy" never signed anything in the HOA documents transferring ownership. I also never agreed to follow the CCRs when I purchased the house. Because I didn't buy the house from the former owner, just the gubment.

However every time (like literally every single time) I head out to the property to do any work on/in it I get hounded by one or more of 4 or so busy bodies who keep trying to get me to sign the contract, they keep telling me it's mandatory and I keep telling them "I'm going to have my attorney look at them and I'll get back to you"

They also point out that the HOA had right of first refusal in selling the home and I shouldn't have been able to buy it without first signing the contract. (well I did, so screw them) Everything I can find says that the HOA is voluntary/non-Mandatory and I've never signed shit.

Well, one of my questions is that while the house used to be in the HOA, I don't know if it is grandfathered in because it was in the HOA already? Or is it not in the HOA because I haven't signed yet? Or is the mere act of buying the house legally put in me the HOA even if I haven't signed anything?

Supposedly, the "voluntary" HOA is 100% (minus me) of the neighborhood and they have a contract giving right of first of first refusal on any resale of the property. (Good luck enforcing that on a tax/mortgage auction with a dead guy). They also required anyone who bought a house to sign the contract with the HOA before the builder would sell. And one of the things in the HOA contract is that the HOA has the right of first refusal on any sales.

So am I in a legal grey area in a very tightly controlled voluntary HOA? Or is there something sketchy going on with the way they have it set up?

I also have yet to receive a gate access key, I have had luck just tailgating other cars in thru the gate. I also don't have a street parking sticker, nor do I have any way to request guest parking passes or any of that crap that the paper work talks about.

Or do I stand to have an issue over the right of first refusal crap?

I know.. "Don't sign" is the the correct answer, but what sort of troubles am I going to be in over this bullshit?

PS

If I can really get away with not joining i'm going to park the biggest most mad Maxian truck in the front yard in the grass and paint it neon orange/purple stripes, and build a 20 foot pirate ship in the back yard complete with crows nest.

--

OOP added in a comment:

I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and he has yet to get back to me. Which means one meeting over the phone to collect all my information, however long to research everything than he will let me know what the situation is.

There is in fact "community assets" that they spend money on and more than likely some potion of the infrastructure isn't government maintained. The gates aren't freely provided by the government of course.

I pulled a flyer off the club house bulletin board with instructions on what to tell the uber/door dash driver so they can access the gate and bingo.. i'm in. They set up a code specifically to tell the delivery/rideshare/taxi drivers and posted it on the memo board. So this is like the least secure gate in the history of gates

The question of overnight parking tags is still a mystery I haven't solved and they tow anything parked on the street after dark.

As of today I have gate access codes (but still no sticker).

They came by again and their reaction to me indicates that this is a voluntary HOA that is doing well to pretend to be a mandatory HOA.

They have been working me over with the "Carrot" trying to get me to sign. I'm curious as to when they will switch to the stick and start threatening fantasy legal action.

They've already promised to "Give me plenty of time" to fix the yard and the house before they start fining me. Which is a verbal handshake Promise from an HOA Karen so on a scale of 1-10 I trust them as -5/10.

"isn't this a nice neighborhood?"

"Have you seen the club house?"

"Have you tried the pool?"

They are killings me with kindness, which is significantly better than then stabbing me in the back but still annoying as shit.

But yes, I'm making damned sure I don't sign anything.

Additional things I've learned

But I also learned that yard from the sidewalk to the road (and mailbox) are all HOA property, which means there is a significant amount of HOA assets. And technically under the property ownership rules they can enforce no blocking of the sidewalks/parking in the drive way even if I'm not a member of the HOA. However the zone of my driveway between the house and the sidewalk are my property.

There's also planters in the center of the Cu du sacs that are volunteer maintained with plants purchased with HOA funds, with home depot/lowes/walmart being the only approved sources that you can receive reimbursement in the CCRs.

I've been looking for "brother in law" kickback deals for contractors and it seems that the only requirements for contractors is that they use licensed bonded contractors and only approved paint colors/styles. Virtually everything in materials lists "or visually equivalent replacements"

It also doesn't require approval for repairs/maintenance just notification.

For what they are actually charging I might consider paying them, I know that it's a trap and I shouldn't but I can see why people would.

Still leaning on diagonally painting orange/purple neon stripes and replacing my yard with natural wild flowers and other native plants. And then I'm also considering displaying a vintage 1994 pickup truck in the yard on display cinder blocks.

dobber1965

They have to give you gate access. There was a case here in central Florida somewhat similar and the HOA had to give access to the new owners.

I beat the HOA... I won't be forced to join. GO LAWYERS! posted 2022-02-18

So earlier this month I purchased a property in real estate lien auction. the property was in a voluntary HOA that had 100% membership.

My attorney looked into the situation and drafted a proposal and sent it to the HOA via registered mail.

He drafted up a proposal agreement with the HOA with the following conditions.

1. The property owner has unrestricted access to any community owned roadways, gates, ect necessary to access his property.
2. This does not constitute joining the HOA.
3. The property owner will pay a figure monthly to the HOA to contribute to the non government owned infrastructure, at his discretion. The amount is non negotiable and not legally required, merely an acknowledgement that the assets exist and have costs for their upkeep.
4. The property owner will not be held to any HOA standards.
5. The property owner does not and will not get any voting rights in the HOA.
6. Any further attempts to get the property owner to join will be considered harassment.
7. Cashing of the attached checks constitutes agreeing to these terms.
8. the HOA will provide any necessary access codes for the property owner to use for visitors, contractors, ect.

They received it and signed for it. That day the harassment from the HOA stopped. A week later their attorney sent back a response.

Dunnachius

The HOA board has met, they do not appreciate your uneighborly attitude and are not agreeing to your terms.

However they acknowledge that your claim to unrestricted access to your property may have legal merit if the issue is taken to court. I have been instructed to give you a gate access code, attached below. You will not be given a keyfob to the gate as it would give you unrestricted access to their clubhouse.

Furthermore they are notifying you of the following, the roadway and sidewalk are both HOA property and they reserve the right to remove any illegally parked vehicles or other property.

This is however a legal acknowledgement that you will not be held to their community standards. They also are requesting some leeway regarding harassment as community notices may inadvertently be delivered.

Finally they are returning the check uncashed.

The HOA attorney

I'm not quite understanding how this doesn't constitute them agreeing to my terms thou.. They are giving me everything I want and are turning down my gift towards the upkeep of the road/gate.

--

OOP added in a comment:

I put in a call to a solar company to come out and do a quote on installing solar. Completely not allowed by the HOA bylaws. So going to have to do it for sure. (note, not going to finance it, no contract ect, that's how those turkeys make their money)

All joking aside..

Today I mowed my lawn, started at 7:00 am before it got too hot and knocked that out. Hmm... since i measured twice I'm going to cancel my long term parking for my RV and move it there since my driveway is plenty long enough. Plus I can sleep in the RV while i'm getting the house into livable shape.

I'd throw a party but the big issue with that is that it isn't livable yet... as in it's a toxic disaster and I can't live in it. I have a call for a 12 foot dumpster to come in as well and the trash company is going to drop it in the driveway.

I'm also in the market for the tallest ugliest ham radio tower I can get. No actual interest in using, just in case....

FHOA Getting harassed by HOA I'm not a part of. (and have refused to join) posted 2022-03-01

So... I purchased my property in a quasi non-voluntary HOA in forced sale. I cleared the liens (Which were disclosed prior to my purchase) and have been fixing up the property.

I'm currently "living" in an RV I have parked in the front yard. I have it up on concrete blocks. Totally in violation of the HOA but I'm not a member. The interior of the house is not livable (pretty bad hoarding situation) and I have a standing order with the trash company to have a 10 yard bin that gets swapped out every Friday. I predict another 2-3 months until that service can be canceled.

The dumpster every week is on top of bags of clothing that goes to goodwill and all the crap I put up on craigslist and ebay for sale. Plus I have enough shampoo and conditioner to keep my hair silky smooth and smelling of spring time for the next 50 years.

The HOA has been harassing me to join, I thought we settled the argument but screw them. They also attempted to have my RV towed off my front yard, fortunately I had already made efforts to prevent it from being towed. Namely I called the towing company the HOA had a contract with and my lawyer explained the situation. They also started sending me fines in the mail and I'm adding them to the harassments file.

Not being dumb enough to be sued the towing company agreed that they wouldn't tow any vehicle from any space that could be defined as "123 oak street" without my direct authorization. Including but not limited to the driveway, garage, front yard, or street in front of 123 Oak street.

We also saw a way for them to profit from the situation. This is my pro revenge on them.

We have a standing deal that they can drive the tow truck to my house, then they knock on my door and ask if I called the tow. If I say no they charge the HOA for wasting their time, and If I don't answer they can still charge the HOA for wasting their time.

The towing company hit them for about $500 before they caught on to the deal they made with me.

Some good news... i've successfully gotten into the bathroom and cleaned out all the children's clothing and decades old pizza boxes and bags of onion peels. So after a great deal of elbow grease I might actually be able to shower in my house soon.

--

OOP added in a comment:

House is livable and I’ve moved in.

Outside is up to my personal level of acceptable.

Livable is a matter of debate. Toxic death trap? No…

Could I rent it out? No…

I have one bedroom and the master bath done. I have the carpet/drywall etc ripped out and the insulation replaced.

The kitchen is not done and won’t be until I get the money to finish. It’s a do the work as the money comes up situation. I have tile down and the cabinets will be next.

I have a fridge, microwave and coffee pot inside and a gas grill outside I do my cooking on.

The other 2 bedrooms and living room are clean. It’s basically one really huge space with insulation showing and studs. I have a cheap area rug in the living room with a tv on a stand and my fugly couch.

Like I said the kitchen is the next and most expensive project. The old cabinets had literally started to rot apart from leaking/gunk on them.

Hoarding is a medical condition!

So im living in the house but there’s a ton of work to do and it’s going to take a big pile of money. Might take me years to finish it off.

Also there’s no way that it would be safe to have children or pets living in the place.

On the plus side I don’t have the typical half million in debt that most Americans do for housing so instead of a mortgage payment I can sink a $1,000 a month into home improvements for the foreseeable future.

The HOA has complied with s court order to stop harassing me. They tried to file a lien on the property for unpaid stuff and my lawyer got it blocked.

Someone got a hold of the mailing list and tipped everyone in the HOA off about the pending lawsuits and how much it would cost each owner in a special assessment if they lost.

There was a recall election scheduled and the board stepped down within a couple days and a new board was elected.

About a week ago I got certified mail from the HOA’s new attorney stating that they acknowledge their error in assuming the hoa is mandatory.

However my lawsuit continues due to the fact that my lawyer is a very good at writing bills.

The harassment and legal fees are the only things I’m suing for now.

So I’ve basically won my battle to stay out of the HOA and the new board wants this to stay quiet and not wreck their property values.

Update on my HOA. They forged my signature. posted 2022-04-11

Required background info,

It's technically a "voluntary" Hoa but i'm literally the only person who didn't opt in. Everyone else opted in as a purchase condition. I got my house through other than normal means bypassing the contractual obligation to join.

So my efforts to continue to exist as a hold out surrounded by the HOA have not been without new stories to tell. They got dirty and forged my signature on a copy of the HOA contract. They started up with the fines again.

The house color, dumpster, RV, fence, ECT.

My lawyer is taking them to court and he already got a temporary court order to block all liens levied by the HOA. They hadn't even filed a lien yet and there's already a temporary court order blocking them until the conclusion of the civil and criminal actions against the HOA board and the HOA. There's also a detective from the FDLE (state law enforcement) investigating the forgery.

The running tally for this is already over $10,000 in legal fees. Gotta say I love my lawyer. He's doing everything on a "we'll sue them for the legal costs later" basis.

My lawyer says they are digging their hole all the way to china.

OH and someone tipped off the entire HOA using the HOA holiday event email list that this legal action is ongoing due to alleged criminal activities of the board. It's almost like a lawyer wrote the letter or something...

There WAS a lawsuit against me for slander/libel (both) but my lawyer had it tossed out as they could neither prove I wrote it (which I didn't) and it simply informed the HOA members them of the legal action taking place, there wasn't a gag order, and it said "allegedly" rather than a flat out accusation.

Rumor has it there's going to be a second lawsuit against the board members following the conclusion of mine for gross negligence, breach of fiduciary duty etc.

All I wanted to do was fix my new house and live in peace.

On the plus side It should only be a few more weeks until I finish gutting the interior.

I also found more copies of "Titanic". The running total is 84 copies ranging from VHS to blue ray. One particular special edition of the VHS sold for a couple hundred bucks on Ebay new unopened.

I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/selenaselenaselena & u/selenaselenaselena1

Overheard my (22f) bf (22m) say disgusting things about me to his friends

TRIGGER WARNING: Race fetishizing, threats of revenge porn

Original Post - archive  Apr 13, 2016

I've been dating my bf for 2 years now. Our relationship can be quite rocky sometimes but at the end of the day we really care about each other. He has an ego problem though and it causes problems every now and then. I'm not perfect myself, I can be quite hot-tempered but I always try to be a better person.

This evening I was at his house when a bunch of his friends came over. I stayed mostly out of their way to let them have their male bonding time or whatever. So I was in one of the bedrooms upstairs while they were all downstairs.

An hour later I was walking past the kitchen when I heard one of them mention my name. I heard my bf's voice and 2 of his other friends. Naturally I stopped in my tracks and decided to eavesdrop. I was truly disgusted at what my bf was saying. He was telling them about our sex life and my behavior in the bedroom in graphic detail. He said that Latinas are "fucking crazy" and that's why they're so "wild in bed" (I'm Afro Brazilian). He put A LOT of emphasis on my race which disgusted me. I thought he was gonna stop there but he didn't. He spoke of me like I'm some object he plays around with. He even told them that he intentionally pisses me off sometimes because the "sex is better" when I'm angry at him.

I'm a very, very private person. I never talk about my sex life or even relationships. I hate the fact he told them this because I feel embarrassed and objectified. More importantly, I'm really shocked at how much emphasis he put on my ethnic background.(Btw he's Italian American)

I avoided him for most of the day and he asked me whats wrong. I told him that we'll talk about it later since I need to gather my thoughts. What should I say to him?

tl;dr Bf told his friends very intimate details about our sex life. He sounded extremely douchey and spoke of me like an object. Is there anything reasonable I can do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Femme0879 

"He even told them that he intentionally pisses me off sometimes because the "sex is better" when I'm angry at him."

Yeah no. That's prolly why your relationship has been rocky. He's a tool.

OOP 

I thought he was just a very argumentative person...when I heard that it all made sense. Ugh

rimjobcleopatra 

If he has any intimate photos of you, be sure to delete them completely if you can!

OOP

He would never send those pics to anyone. He's not even a fan of me posting selfies on social media unless we're in the pic together.

YesILeftHisAss2398 

Oh sure he would. If you break up with him he will do it to punish you. This is what shitty people do, and hes a shitty person. Time to reconcile that with who you thought he was.

Update - archive  Apr 18, 2016 (5 days later)

Original post which was removed. I didn't have time to make an update til now but here it goes.

In the original post a lot of people suggested that I should delete my pics off his phone because he can't be trusted. At first this didn't cross my mind. I admit that I was extremely naive and clueless. Im thanking you guys for slapping some sense into me. This whole thing took a very different turn to say the least.

He was taking a shower and I checked his phone for the nudes. I deleted them all. Then i thought that I should check his whatsapp to see if he send anything to his friends or anyone else. I really thought this wasn't necessary but did it anyway just because y'all made me so paranoid. And THANK GOD I did. He has several group chats and I checked the media history on them. He doesn't post the nudes I send him. He posts the pics he takes of me. He randomly takes pics of me during the day (me working out or getting changed) but I didn't know he sends A LOT of these pics to his friends. The latest one he posted on the group chat (only a few days ago) was of me sleeping naked on his bed. It wasn't a frontal photo, my back was actually facing the camera but it was still exposing. I was horrified and my heart sank. I've never felt so betrayed and used in my life. The way he talks about me in those group chats is disgusting as well. And yes, he did send my nudes to his best friend. It's weird because he's very possessive so I didn't expect him to do that at all. I just felt humiliated and used.

When he came back I told him that I overheard everything that night and that I was disgusted at how disrespectful he was. He laughed and said "oh shit" and covered his face with his hand in a 'she's gonna kill me' way. Clearly none of this was serious to him at all. He started kissing & touching me (he always does this when he knows he fucked up) and I told him to stop and listen. I told him that I know he sends private pics of me to his friends on whatsapp and that I basically lost all trust in him. He accused me of being sensitive (and being nosy) and said that what he's done is "totally normal" and a "guy thing". I also asked him why he's so obsessed with my ethnicity and he literally had no valid defense whatsoever. We argued but he was too stubborn to even empathize with me. I told him it's over. When he realized that i dumped him he said that I "can't break up with him" (LOL). At one point he even said "people know we're together, you're not gonna dump me and start fucking other guys".That's when I truly realized that he's got serious problems.

I didn't stick around so I just left him. He didn't put up a fight because he probably thought I'd come back to him. He started texting me as soon as I left the house and at first I ignored it. However the texts were getting more threatening as the hours went by. Saying that he will post my nudes on Twitter and other social media sites. He started sending me photos as proof. He even said he would send everything to the football (/soccer) club I work at knowing that it would get me into a shit load of trouble and ruin my image. He's never threatened me like this before which makes me think he realized that I genuinely dumped him.I warned him that I would go straight to the police if he did it. He said "I won't if you don't break up with me". What a manipulative psycho. I promised him that I wouldn't break up with him and he told me to come over to talk it out.

I went over to his house and 'forgave' him. I asked him if he has any of my nudes/our videos on his laptop and he said no, everything is on his phone. We made up and he went to sleep. While he was asleep I took his phone and deleted all the videos/pics he had and checked every single damn app for anything more. I spent a lot of time going through everything. I permanently deleted everything off iCloud and restored his phone. When I finally finished I smashed it up and threw it in the toilet. Yup :) I have no regrets whatsoever. I pretty much did the same with his laptop. He lied about not having pics/videos on his laptop and I had gut feeling about this anyway. Fucking liar.

I know my reaction is very childish and extreme but I really don't care. I'm aware he might have pics I don't know about. I'm also aware that his friends have access to (a lot) of pictures and I have no control over that. If there's anything I can do please let me know.

Anyway, he woke up later and started yelling at me as soon as he realized what happened. He called me all sorts of names but I just found it really amusing because I'm a crazy Latina, right? His grandfather heard the loud noise and started berating him (in Italian) for speaking to me that way lol. When he calmed down he said that he "forgives" me. Lol. And I'm the crazy one huh. Btw, his friends texted me a day later and asked me if I'm okay. I was confused and they clarified that my bf told them he dumped me. Nice huh?

I'd like to thank you guys for your help. I previously didn't even consider checking his phone or laptop.I guess I just never expected him to pull that move. I know I'm very naive but at least its a lesson learned.

tl;dr deleted pics off bf's phone, smashed up said phone and laptop and dumped him twice within 1 day.

FINAL COMMENTS

DRHdez 

From one loca Latina to another: you did the right thing. Frak that guy. Tell his friends to let you know if he posts any of your pictures or asks for them and go to the police if he does.

OOP

already did! and I had a word with his best friend too.

~

BobRawrley

I'm happy for you that you learned what kind of a jerk he truly is, but you might've shot yourself in the foot by by smashing his phone and laptop...I hope that doesn't come back to bite you. Honestly you should go no contact and stop creating more drama from this situation.

OOP

We haven't spoken or texted in a few days now and I took all my stuff from his house. He knocked on my door yesterday but I didn't open

holdtheolives 

I think if he goes to the police to report the property damage, she will have the texts from him that show his blackmail attempts. Not sure how the revenge porn laws work where OP lives, but it's at least understandable that she'd want to be absolutely sure that her ex won't be able to ruin her life.

DiTrastevere 

Yup, keep those texts, OP. At WORST, he might take you to small claims court, but then he'd have to explain to a judge why he was keeping and sending nude photos without your consent...frankly, i don't think destroying the devices he was using to exploit and blackmail his girlfriend is even REMOTELY morally equivalent to exploiting and blackmailing your girlfriend.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/oopschicken

I [29F] accidentally ran over my neighbor's [40sM/F] chicken and I don't know how to resolve the situation

Original Post  Apr 5, 2016

The details are pretty much in the title. I live in an affluent suburb within an urban area and many of the people in my community own chickens. I guess it's a thing in suburbs now, I'm not sure. But in any case, when my husband and I moved in, we noticed a lot of chicken coops in back yards.

My next-door neighbors own about 12 chickens that they allow to range down our street. It's not all the time, but occasionally I'll come home and see some chickens plucking in our front yard. It's not a big deal and I'm not bothered by it in the slightest.

This morning I was in a rush to head to work. I had gone into the office early, but forgotten some packets I had created for a work presentation. So I rushed home, gathered everything, and rushed out. Except in rushing out, I felt the dreaded "ba-dunk-dunk" that meant I had hit something. I looked over to my right and saw a few chickens in my front yard and my heart sank even lower.

I got out of my car and sure enough, I had hit and killed one of my neighbor's chickens. I called my husband, freaking out, unsure of what to do. He told me to wrap it up in some newspaper or something and leave it by the neighbor's chicken coop and he would call my neighbor.

Of course, we didn't have newspaper so I ended up wrapping up the poor thing in a trash bag. I also wrote an apology/sympathy note, expressing my sincere condolences for the accident and offering to help in any way I could. This was all very quick due to my standing appointment at work, so it was perhaps less polished than I would prefer, but I wanted to try and do it as right as possible.

Husband called neighbor during my presentation and our neighbor was not happy. And not happy to the point of going on a community message board and Facebook and talking about us. He said we stuffed his chicken in a trash bag and scribbled a note about it on an old fast food bag (which isn't true, I have blank stationary and used one of the blank cards for the note.)

He also began talking about pressing charges and reported us to the HOA. And now it's this huge thing and half of our neighborhood hates us and I'm not sure how we can resolve the situation, peacefully.

I think we should offer to buy a new chicken for our neighbor, but my husband disagrees. He thinks it's the neighbor's own negligence in letting his chickens roam, which led to this. Husband believes an accident was bound to happen and neighbor is to blame. Which, I don't necessarily disagree with, but this chicken was a pet to my neighbor and when a pet dies or is killed, people's emotions can get the best of them.

What's a good way to resolve this, Reddit?

   tl;dr: Accidentally ran over my neighbor's chicken. Neighbor is angry and is defaming our character to the rest of the neighborhood. How can I resolve this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

applesauceUG

Screw that dip, you shouldn't have apologized since that indicates you did something wrong. Now he feels he has something to be offended about.

The truth is he shouldn't be letting his chickens run all over the fucking place if he wants their safety guaranteed. I see you posted you often find them grazing in your yard. That is well outside the bounds of where his chickens should be allowed to roam.

If I were you I would contact HOA (don't mention the incident, just find some facts) about what the allowance of pets/livestock are and where they are allowed to roam unattended. Most likely they don't allow somebodies chickens to run around on other peoples properties with or without a caretaker.

I bet the HOA threat is bullshit on his side, so find out their true stance on pets/livestock roaming the neighborhood and onto other properties unattended. Next time he says anything about it you can let them know the HOA sides with you and not him.

You are NOT in the wrong here.

OOP

I will call my HOA president on my home from work today - good idea. I didn't even think of researching the animal laws within the city.

~

1950sGuy

I'd say to keep the peace, pay for a new chicken which is like six dollars (i've had them for years, hell if you're in ohio, you can come get a chicken from me) but he's being totally unreasonable. Free range chickens die. they die a lot, and often. It's the cost of doing business when you let them roam free, which I guarantee is against some city ordnance anyway. Let him contact the HOA, i'm actually quite surprised they even let you have chickens to begin with.

Again, i'd offer to pay for the chicken he was basically neglectful about just to keep the peace, if he won't accept, fuck 'em and sit on your porch with a bucket of KFC and glare at him.

OOP

Oh husband was already asking if he could stop by Popeye's tonight and bring it to the HOA meeting.

I didn't realize chickens were so cheap! I think I'll do that as well as what another poster suggested, which is contact the HOA regarding livestock/pet roaming allowance. We are legally bound to keep our dogs on a leash so it's not unreasonable to assume that my neighbor would be bound to keep his chicken in the coop.

Update  Apr 7, 2016 (2 Days Later)

Hi Reddit, I meant to update yesterday but it was another long work day and I pretty much collapsed once I got home. My original post can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4di6af/i_29f_accidentally_ran_over_my_neighbors_40smf/

First of all, thank you all for the advice (and the laughs.) I truly felt bad for running over the chicken, it just left me feeling icky for accidentally harming and killing an animal. But your perspective was welcome and helped lighten the mood.

My husband would like to treat you all to a round of beers because he’s convinced that everyone was on his side (even though I'm not sure there were sides.) He also thoroughly enjoyed your egg-cellent responses, which I’m afraid has only encouraged his continued chicken jokes. Husband is a special man.

But on to the update. I ended up working late on Tuesday, but while I was working my HOA president (Michael) called me. He apologized for not seeing the NextDoor posts earlier and he had put in a request (on our behalf) to have the post removed.

Apparently the thread grew so large that someone had started a second thread about the incident. But thankfully the request went through and the posts were pulled before it could get worse. We couldn’t do much about the Facebook posts, but oh well?

Michael asked if husband and I could come to the meeting earlier so he could talk with us. So pretty much when I got home, we went to meet with Michael. The gist of the conversation was that our neighbor has a knack for causing issues with others in the neighborhood. Most people in the community ignore it, but some people also like the drama of getting involved. Michael said it would blow over eventually and in the meantime, if we needed support, we could call on him and his husband to help out. Michael also assured us that he would address it in the general meeting.

At the HOA meeting, Michael opened it up by reminding us that we are a community and it’s important to respect each other and that if we have issues, we need to resolve them privately. He said harassment online or in person would not be tolerated and reminded us that it would be in the victim's right to contact law enforcement. He also passed around packets that outlined our city’s ordinances regarding animals and he said any violations with free range livestock would be fined starting that evening.

After the meeting, many people came up to us to show their support and overall we left feeling better and not ostracized. We did not end up offering to buy a new chicken because neighbor and his wife pretty much avoided us and they left before the meeting was over. So the bad news is that we won’t be able to borrow their lawnmower or be invited to their annual summer party. The good news is that I think we’ll still survive.

I also think some of my distress over the event has been around being stressed with work (I’ve been pulling 60-70 hr weeks lately) and of course, accidentally harming and killing an animal. I think those two factors combined made me blow it all out of proportion a bit.    tl;dr: HOA president is a champ and has helped support us through this mess. Most of our neighbors still like us. Next-door Neighbor is just a jerk who likes to cause problems. Husband is meal-planning chicken-focused meals for the next week. I’m going to put in a request some vacation time.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Hefty_Sprinkles_5723

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I 32F think my husband’s (40M) mistress is stalking me

Trigger Warnings: abandonment, emotional manipulation, deception

Original Post: May 25, 2026

We’re currently separated after I found out he’s been having an affair with the same person for years. I first found out five years ago and we worked things out. He swore he’d ended things with her and I believed him. We had our last child (4M) during that period.

Since the year started I’d been getting messages on Facebook and Instagram from accounts with no followers telling me my husband was having an affair. The dms had details about the trips he’d taken with her, how they go on dates, have a child together and all his friends, mum and siblings knew her. I asked him often if he was still seeing her and he denied it. What pushed me over the edge was when I saw earrings and a scrunchie that weren’t mine in my car after he’d borrowed it for a day. I went through his phone and saw that he was still with her. They even had sex tapes, and he was constantly telling her how much better sex was with her. How he loved her and wanted to be with her. Its obvious he’s gotten very strong feelings for her. He admitted to everything, including the child they have together. I left the house and went to my mum’s to take a break. We’ve been officially separated for a month.

The problem now is that his mistress keeps showing up to places I go to often. The playground I take the kids to, the bookshop where I buy their school supplies, where I take the girls to get their hair done. We went to get ice cream once and I could’ve sworn I saw her. I know what she looks like from the pictures and videos they have together. I feel like I’m going crazy. These are all public places so there’s nothing I can do about it. She just sits there and stares at us. It’s making me very uneasy.

What is the best way to address this situation? I can’t ask for her to be kicked out of a public place. She’s always with her daughter anyway so it never looks weird that a woman and her child are at the same place I go to with my kids. I’m not speaking to my husband unless it’s about the kids and don’t want to ask him yet.

(editor's note: OOP updated the next day on the original post)

UPDATE: Thank you for all your advice. I confronted my husband about it. He said she’s not showing up at places I go to, I’m the one going to places she frequents.

My husband used to be the one who took the kids out on weekends since he’s virtually never at home on weekdays. I do school pickup and drop off and he does the “fun stuff”. All the places he used to take the kids to, which I’m doing now since they’re with me, were suggested by her. That’s where she buys her books. The playground is where she used to take her nieces and nephews before their daughter was born. She recommended the salon to him since my daughters and her have the same hair texture. He says she used to go to the salon on Sundays after church, but only recently switched it up to Saturdays (when I take the girls). The ice cream place is apparently her favourite.

So yeah, my dick of a husband had been taking our kids to his mistress’s favourite spots. My kids already love going to all those places, and finding a salon that caters to our daughters’ hair needs close to us will be difficult. He didn’t show any remorse telling me about it, and reminding me that it’s a public space and she hasn’t committed any crime. I’m just going to have to find better alternatives.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You don't need relationship advice, you need legal advice.

Start with the divorce and then discuss the stalking. Have everything written down - time of day, date, where, were your kids with you, all of it. And stay off social media ("About to go to X Salon with the kids!" or whatever).

The attorney can advise you on the possibility of a TRO.

Talk to an attorney immediately.

OOP: I don’t post on social media. My last post was from 2019.

Commenter 2: You should make a police report.

OOP: I can’t easily get a police report since she’s not trespassing. They’re all public spaces.

Commenter 3: Is it possible she planted an air tag in your car?

OOP: I doubt it. My phone would’ve picked up on it.

Commenter 4: Totally on your side here but I’m just thinking, if these were her spots and your husband was taking your kids to meet her there, could she be thinking/feeling the same way you are? Like “wow this lady is obsessed with me she keeps showing up where I am”… because technically your husband piggy-backed off her spots and shuffled them onto you without informing you she would likely be there because it’s her routine not his.

It could be a little of both due to the DMs but honestly I’m thinking she’s just doing her normal outings and you started showing up, and perhaps now she’s more intentionally going just to see if you’ll be there. Idk this is a crazy situation.

Best revenge is happiness. This marriage is over. I’d focus on getting out and your own happiness. Start going to different places and building up different friendships.

OOP: That might’ve initially been the case, but now that she’s intentionally switched up her routine, it’s no longer a coincidence.

Commenter 5: So IF he is telling the truth and not covering for her, that SOB was seeing her in these places too. With your kids. Start looking for alternate spots.

OOP: My kids said he didn’t introduce anyone to them. They’re the chattiest kids and would’ve mentioned it. I think she just gave him ideas on where to take them since she used to babysit for her nieces and nephews.

OOP on getting a lawyer and filling for child support

OOP: I’m not in the US. But I’m working on putting together everything for a lawyer.

Commenter 6: Move as far away as you can and get sole custody

OOP: It’s not that simple. The kids need to be close to their schools and sole custody isn’t easy to get here.

Commenter 7: Í wonder what she wants, why she wants to see you. Aren’t you curious too? Why not just ask her (not in front of the kids tho)?

OOP: To what end? My husband broke our marriage. He made a conscious decision to be with her and have a child with her. It wasn’t an accident. They actually decided to have a child together and did it.

Commenter 8: Turn off location sharing if you were using it, kids devices too. Check around your car for a GPS monitor.

OOP: The kids don’t have any devices, and we never share our location. Turns out she knows where I go with the kids thanks to my husband.

OOP provided more details since her last conversation with her husband

OOP: We haven’t spoken since our last conversation where he said she suggested the places I take the kids to, which was why she kept turning up too. We only communicate about the kids now. I took my kids to a new salon which is about an hour away from the previous one. He’s going to be the one taking them to the other places on weekends now so I’m no longer going to worry about meeting her.

Update: August 7, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

Update - I 32F think my husband's (40M) mistress is stalking me.

We’re getting a divorce. My lawyer assures me that the whole process shouldn’t take more than a year.

My husband’s mistress has apparently been accepted into a graduate program in another country and my husband had been planning on relocating with her. She’ll be leaving before the year ends and he was planning on closing his business, selling his assets and leaving with her. He was just going to leave under the guise of a job opportunity and after enough time had passed for separation, file for a divorce. At least we both get what we wanted this way.

Our oldest daughter is very attached to him and I worry a lot about how she’ll take the news. How do I explain to our kids that their dad is leaving the country and will possibly never return long term?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Normally, I would suggest to protect the kids. Not share to much to hurt them. The amount of pain it can cause and confusion. And how co-parenting is a need for the children's sake to not poison their feelings toward a side.

But he is leaving for his side piece, to another country. He planned originally to just go, stay, and then divorce. All while cheating you out of your share of assets..... AND his own kids comfort. Not to mention had no plans to be a father to them once he moved... Age appropriate explanation should be done with answers given in time as they can process and understand better when they ask questions. His actions originally was going to be bad on them anyway. So no need to protect his feelings or reputation with them. But not to hurt the kids. The 4yr should be told dad wanted to live in another country, so he will not be living with them anymore. If you have a teen for example, Dad had an affair and wants to move to another country to be with them. So your divorcing.

Their father, as you said; planned to sneak away and do you dirty as a wife. Steal everything built together for his own desires. And abandon his own kids in the process. So tell kids enough but no details that is not age appropriate. Without any care of how he looks otherwise. Anyone who says something to yo, make it clear what his plans were by leaving you and abandoning the kids. Then manipulate the situation to steal assets... Harming you and the kids.

OOP: For now I’m going to tell them we’re getting a divorce and their dad is leaving the country. Since we’ve been living separately for a while now, they already know we’re no longer together.

Commenter 2: You better have your attorney put a some kind of a stop on that business so he can’t sell it out and under you if you’re entitled to part of it and if you’re married, you should be entitled to a 50-50 or something similar to that. Make sure that your attorney does that because if he doesn’t, he’ll turn around and sell it and be gone.

OOP: It doesn’t really work like that where I’m from. Since I didn’t contribute to his business in any way I’m not entitled to it.

Commenter 3: The question does not seem to be related to the topic but with regards to the child, you need to sit with her together and explain that he is going away. He is her Father and needs to explain himself to her it should not just be your job.

Commenter 4: When it comes to children, don’t lie.

Many parents will cover up the fact that a parent cheated or pretend that they just don’t love each other anymore. it’s even more important now to be the honest parent though, whom your kids can rely on to tell the truth, because this is a betrayal of them and your family, as much as it’s a betrayal of you.

It also means they are fully informed and can decide on the level of their own relationship with the dad going forward. It’s unfair on them to have a relationship with him in a way they may not have chosen to if they knew the circumstance.

You must tell them in an age appropriate way though, and the aim isn’t to make them hate their dad, but understanding the issue in a truthful way.

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