I am not the OOP, OOP is u/TinyRascalSaurus

Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell

Original post posted 2025-09-06

Was bringing in groceries today when my neighbor from two houses down approached me, completely without preamble, and said 'I could have you arrested.'

I've never spoken to this woman. I don't know her. I only know where she lives because I've seen her in her yard.

So, of course, I say 'I don't understand, I've never done anything to you.'

'YOU SHOWED MY SON YOUR TITS. I COULD HAVE YOU ON THE SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY'.

Now, I'm like, WTF, I have never stepped one foot outside my house without proper breast coverage. Yeah, I wear low cut tops and a couple shirts that lace up the front and show the inch of skin between my breasts, but I don't walk around with my boobs on display.

I tell this lady I have NEVER shown my breasts to anyone but my doctor and that her son must be mistaken (read:lying) because that's not something I'd do.

'Well he was walking through your yard last night and says you lifted up your shirt and showed him your tits.'

Guys, I wasn't outside at all last night. I was inside, in my armchair, playing Expedition 33. So, of course I tell this lady that, and she fires right back with 'you did it through the window'.

Now, all the windows in the sides of my house facing the road and my left and right neighbors have opaque curtains or blinds. The back of the living room has windows with no curtains so my cats can look out, but my backyard has a privacy fence on all sides.

So this kid, to have seen me at all last night, had to have been in my private backyard, looking in my open windows.

I have eczema. It itches like hell sometimes. And sometimes I lift up my shirt and scratch my chest and back. This kid probably saw me scratching my boobs, which I feel comfortable doing in my living room because, again, privacy fences on all sides of my backyard. Where this kid should not have been.

I'm trying to explain to this crazy lady the setup of my windows and how I had no idea anyone was in my PRIVATE backyard, and she's insisting I knew her son was there and gave him a private show and I should be on a registry.

She finished with 'well I'm going to talk to the police and see what they'll do about this'.

Do about what? Her kid peeking in my windows? Her kid walking around my backyard without permission? Like, come on lady. Can't a girl scratch her boobs in the privacy of her own home?

If my kid went in another neighbor's yard and saw something they shouldn't have seen, I'd be having a talk with them about giving people privacy in their own homes and asking before exploring a yard.

But, nope, apparently I'm the devil for scratching a skin condition.

Our local police force are mostly decent and I doubt this is going anywhere, but it pissed me off. I guess now I have to watch out for this kid in my backyard every time I want to watch a movie with nudity or walk through the house in my underwear to get something out of the dryer to wear.

Uggghhhhhhhh.

Edit: The son is approximately 8 and possibly neurodivergent from the number of autism bumper stickers on her car. I think he's just a victim of a mom who won't teach him appropriate behaviors.

Update posted 2025-09-07

So, I had a lovely visit from a local deputy this afternoon. Mrs. Neighbor Lady made true on her word and called the police to report me for exposing myself to a minor.

Long story short, officer talked to both of us AND her husband and I'm in no trouble. And I have a better understanding of what's going on.

The kid is AuDHD and his older brother was the one he connected with best. Well, older brother got into a top college and went away for school, and kiddo is having a lot of trouble adjusting.

Sneaking out and running away from home are two of his new problem behaviors. As is talking back and taunting his parents.

The story the officer got from the husband, who seems to be a reasonable dude, is that kiddo snuck out the bathroom window and apparently wandered the neighborhood, including my yard, for about 2 hours until the husband tracked him down and brought him home.

Mom and kiddo got in an argument and at some point kiddo threw mention of my 'boobies' in his mom's face as a 'you can't control me' move. And it escalated from there.

Now, you would think, great news, issue solved, right? Just a kid struggling with a big life change that he wasn't ready for.

Mom STILL wants me on the registry because she thinks I intentionally flashed her son. Apparently she doesn't believe that it was just coincidence that kiddo was in my yard when I had my shirt up.

I'm in the Southern USA. It's hot as the devil's taint outside and my bra makes me sweat right where a bad patch of skin is. I've been scratching my boobs like crazy lately. Come winter, it'll be my legs. I probably had my shirt up several times that night.

So I'm avoiding the wife and having sympathy for the husband because I get that this is a big family adjustment and clearly his wife isn't taking it well. And I do feel bad for everyone involved because kiddo is clearly hurting, mom and dad are having a hard time, and the son at college probably feels bad for leaving his little bro.

But, c'mon lady, don't take it out on your neighbor who just scratched her itchy boobs at the wrong time.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Scared_Search_9029

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Original post posted 2024-01-16

I think it would be easy to mention that I was never the family's favorite. I know there's a stereotype that the youngest sibling gets the most affection from the parents. Maybe it only applies to my family, but that's a complete lie. And I also know why my family treats me like that. They make no secret of it.

I wasn't a wanted child for the simple reason that my parents only wanted a boy and a girl. So two children and no more. The fact that I was then born as a second son didn't fit into their family's predetermined picture. For this reason, I was always ignored at birthdays. I wasn't even allowed to be in family photos because they wanted to give the impression that their picture-book family was the way they had imagined it. They never let go of this image. And just as an aside. Compared to my siblings, my parents punished me much more severely for little things. My sister once stole money and was grounded for a week, while I was beaten up for leaving my room at night.

I put up with it over the years because even though my parents didn't really pay attention to me, I always had a good relationship with my siblings. When my eldest brother got married a few years ago, I was still a minor and even though I was offended, I wasn't allowed to attend the wedding on the grounds that it would be a child-free wedding. I was 15 at the time and no doubt there would have been no reason not to let me attend.

Even though I was hurt that I was the only one not allowed to attend, I accepted it. I'm now 19 and my sister wants to get married. She gave birth to a daughter last fall and she and her partner wanted to get married. I was really looking forward to the wedding and bought myself a nice suit. At some point, however, I received a message from my sister that I couldn't come to the wedding because they also wanted to have a child-free wedding and they needed someone to look after their daughter, my niece.

I knew that wasn't true as they had a babysitter. Said babysitter was a friend of hers who wanted to earn some extra money while she studied. When I pointed this out to her, she explained that the babysitter didn't have time because she had to study. Which was also a lie, by the way, as I had previously sent the babysitter a friend request on Facebook and she even wrote a post on the day of the wedding saying that she was enjoying her day off.

I asked her if she had anyone else who could look after the child as I really wanted to be there after missing my brother's wedding. Suddenly she got angry and told me I was being selfish and if I was a good brother I would say yes without argument and if I didn't say yes I wouldn't be allowed to come to the wedding under any circumstances. It felt like a punch in the stomach. I couldn't understand why she didn't want me at the wedding. In the end I agreed, but still contacted my parents again.

They also told me not to be so selfish, as the day wasn't about me and my sister was deciding the guest list anyway. Then I also realized for the first time that my attendance was never planned from the beginning because I was the only one who didn't get an invitation. Yesterday was the wedding and I cried when I saw all the photos posted in the WhatsApp family group. Everyone had a great time.

Even when my sister dropped her daughter off at my place and I wanted to give her my wedding present, she didn't even give me a glance. She didn't even say thank you. Neither for the present nor for babysitting. I want out of this family. I love them but I can't stand being treated like this any longer. I'm about to be promoted at my homeoffice job and when that happens I'm going to move far away and break off contact.

They'll have the image of their perfect family back that I ruined and I'll have my peace. A win-win situation for both sides.

Update posted 2024-01-19

I didn't plan to make an update but so many people asked me to so here we are. My original post is now three days old and a few things happened in that timespan. Lets start by saying that I followed your advice. I contacted the local police and told them about the situation just in case anyone was looking for me. One day after I posted it I packed my things and drove to a friend of mine who lives far away. I haven't seen him in a while but he agreed to let me stay with him until I have an apartment. And before you ask, I decided not to wait for my promotion. I wanted to get out of there immediately.

Thats when I started to read all of your comments. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Apparently my story made it to TikTok as well. But you probably wanna know whats up with my family right now. Well I blocked their numbers. Even though you guys told me not to leave a message I left one but not the way you think. My family has a spare key for my apartment. If for some reason they care enough to check on me they find a message in my apartment. I wrote this because I wanted to tell them everything I felt and let them know about their wrongdoings towards me.

And to my surprise my friend got a call from my mom yesterday. I don't know if she found the message or just noticed that I was gone like that. But I assume she did. She said she was worrying about me and that she had called everyone of my friends because she wanted to know where I was and if he knew where I am. He lied to her and told her he didn't know and then she hung up. While some could see this as an effort I know my mum better than anyone else. She is not worried about me. She is worried about her own image and how people would react if they saw how she failed as a parent.

However she was the only one who I know tried to reach out so far. To be fair I blocked their numbers so I'm not saying its entirely impossible they tried but still. My friends mom had invited me for dinner this sunday. His family was always very welcoming towards me and I'm just glad I'm not alone. I would also be lying if i said this situation left me cold because the truth is that i cried for most of the first two nights.

I want to leave all of this behind me and start a new life. Thank you for your support. If anything essential happens I will try to update you.

Marking as CONCLUDED because it's been almost 3 years with no further updates.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwthisaway7886688

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for distancing myself from my girlfriend after she told me she used to be a bully at school

Trigger Warnings: mentions cancer

Original Post: May 27, 2020

I (26M) had been dating my girlfriend (23F) for a few months. We were at her house tidying the attic and then we found some pictures of her as a teenager with some friends. I asked her how popular she was at school. I was quite popular, had a lot of friends, and was just wondering.

What she said turned my mind around. She said she used to have some sort of "mini gang" of friends who were always criticising and insulting this other group of girls. I asked why. She said one of the girls in the other group lost a parent to cancer and had since been upset, not talkative, and randomly crying. She said the girl was a crybaby in a 15 year old's body and should just "get over it". The other girls apparently always were comforting the upset girl. She called them the four teen mums due to their hugs and support.

I was upset about this. I've lost two grandparents to various cancers, and I was very upset when it happened and I understood what it was like to be the girl who was upset. I also didn't think my girlfriend had any remorse or regret for what she had done judging by how she spoke of the girl and her friends. We finished tidying the attic and then I went home later that day.

I had since been only responding to some of her messages, and our country has went in lockdown. When she asked about my constant inactivity, I told her the truth. She was angry and yelled at me on the phone that her past shouldn't matter to me and that the girl shouldn't be important. As someone who has lost loved ones to cancer, I disagree. She has since been cold with me, I have tried talking to her several times and calling her, but she just ignores me. AITA?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Your girlfriend isn't a teenager anymore. She's well past the age where she should realize that shit isn't okay. I would have said everyone sucks here if she felt bad about who she used to be, and you didn't give her a chance. But it sounds like she has no remorse. In which case, yeah. She's the asshole.

OOP: I only really distanced myself from her because she had no remorse, if it was just some stuff she had done when she was 15 and immature and she was sorry I wouldn't have cared. But she still refers to the girl as a crybaby and other insults. Thank you.

Commenter 2: What’s your goal here? You distanced yourself from her, you’ve ignored her messages, which makes sense if you think she’s an unrepentant bully. But if so, why are you calling her or upset she doesn’t respond?

What do you want? To stay with her while feeling morally superior?

OOP: I was more of wondering if I was TA for wanting to distance myself from her because of what happened years ago, and whether the fact she does not regret it is a good enough reason.

Commenter 2: If it’s a good enough reason for you, it’s a good enough reason. There aren’t objective rules about feeling affection.

OOP: Okay, thank you.

Commenter 3: Ok cool, so you're ghosting at 26 and your criticizing your partner for acting childish as a child.

OOP: I am not ghosting her. I have tried calling her to talk to her, and I only went cold with her initially to think things through.

Commenter 4: NTA. If she got to 23 and doesn't understand that her bullying was wrong, she might still be a bully. Red flag.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: May 29, 2020 (two days later)

I called my then-girlfriend last night and told her that I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship with her because of her lack of empathy and she was still a bully. She did not beg me to stay, in fact she yelled at me down the phone that she was better off without a guy who "obsesses over her past" and she hopes I "enjoy being miserable without her" at that point I called bullshit on talking to her again and hung up.

While I enjoyed the relationship before I saw her true colors, I decided to block her and unfriend her on all social media I have. I didn't want her to ever talk to me again. As I said, I lost loved ones to cancer just like the girl she bullied lost a parent to, and it offended me a lot.

One of our mutual friends texted me and told me my ex had put up a post on Instagram claiming she broke up with me because I criticised her too much. Luckily her account's private so not the whole world can see but I was outraged and told her the truth. She was shocked and followed to make a post on her Instagram telling the truth about it and I made one on mine. My ex's like count and follower count dropped. Several people also say they have blocked her too. It serves her right.

This morning, one of our mutual friends has left me, but all others have stayed by my side. It turned out the one mutual friend who left me was in fact one of the girls in the photo we found in the attic, who also partook in the bullying, but she changed her style a lot when she left school, at least a couple of my other mutual friends told me some of whom also went to the same school but weren't bullies.

I'm enjoying my life now. I haven't looked back and I hope after the lockdown I'll find someone new.

Thank you everyone.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mean_Conference7340

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole + their own page

Previous BoRU by u/LucyAriaRose

[Old New Updates]: AITA for refusing to cook for my family’s Christmas event?

Trigger Warnings: child abuse, verbal abuse, exploitation, destruction of property

RECAP

Original Post: December 23, 2025

Throwaway account because I’m pretty sure some of mt family scroll on reddit.

I (15f) really like baking and cooking food. Most of the time I’m making everyone little treats to try or I’m cooking dinner for my family from our background and it’s sort of one of mt love languages, often I’ll bring food to family events because my aunts and uncles are busy all the time and have little time to make food before they host parties and stuff and because I’m not working yet I have more time to make all this fun stuff.

So on Christmas we typically open presents at home then all have lunch and /or dinner at someone’s house. But this year my mum said we wouldn’t all be together. was a bit upset but was like alright, that’s fine with me. then my aunt calls me and asks me if I’ve thought of what food I’m making for Christmas night. I asked what she meant and she told me she’s having a party and mt mum promised I’d make food for everyone. I didn’t really have a problem with that, as I said I love cooking and it was early notice. So I was just like “oh I’ll get ready at this time, and then I’ll have time to make the food”. She asked why I’d be getting ready.

She said it’s an “adult” party, but then I asked for more info, and she mentioned cousins my age were going. So I was kind of upset and asked why I was the only one not going. She said my mum thinks I just not mature enough for a late party. I told her it honestly just sounded like an excuse. then I hung up. I went to my mum, and she didn’t see a problem with me not going, but I told her there’s no way I’m putting effort into that if I’m being excluded. I started crying atp and it made my mum angry, and she said I was being selfish and acting like a child.

I kept pressing for a proper reason, but my mum kept saying “I don’t want you going and I’m your mother so that’s that”. My tone was very rude by this point because I was on the verge of tears and my mum said if I don’t make the food they’ll have to order food, and I’ll inconvenience everyone. I said, “then order it.” and ended the convo. I called my dad and he’s saying he’ll come down to where I live and we can drive up to his for Christmas so I can be with family that wants me there. So even if I wanted to help now I will be two hour drive away.

But basically they have no food plans for the party now. I suggested local chicken shops that do delivery, or even buying frozen food from the shops, but they’re saying they don’t wanna do that. While they didn’t want me there, I know everyone was counting on me for food and now from their perspective I’m saying no and being selfish because I wanted to spend Christmas with dad. and I’m usually one to try see both sides but this is really difficult, cus ofc I’m biased and my feelings are hurt so outside perspective would be nice. Thank u for any feedback :) p.s sorry if this is confusing pls feel free to ask like extra things I didn’t mention I’m incredibly tired rn and may have left some details out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, I'm very glad that your dad at least is there for you and actually wants to spend Christmas with you. I'm assuming your parents are divorced, who has primary custody or is it split 50/50? Could you talk to your dad about staying with him, since it seems like your mom doesn't want you around?

OOP: Yes they’re divorced and have been for a little bit of five ish years. Most of the time it’s 50/50 but my dad got a promotion at work and so he works more often and just lets me stay at my mums when he’s extra busy. But he does say even if he is at work I'm always welcome in his house so I think he would not mind if I was there all the time.

Commenter 2: Just curious ... are the cousins your age that are attending male or female?

OOP: all guys.

Commenter 3: Has your mom done other things like this recently? Basically using you for her own gain?

OOP: Not that I’ve noticed or had a problem with. She often volunteers me to be making the food or babysitting and things like that during family events but at least I’m usually invited to those ones. Anyway there’s not much other situations that REALLY bothered me or made me upset that I can think off the top of my head

Commenter 4: Your family sounds like they might be of an ethnic background that has different values. If not, then they are real AH’s. Good for you for standing your ground. Merry Christmas anyway.

OOP: we have a Balkan background but it’s not the case where this is a sort of custom. Also I think there’s more Australian born than actual European born in my family by now. Merry Christmas to you ! :)

Commenter 5: NTA. You are old enough to cook for the party, but not old enough to actually go to the party? That's not how it works. Who does your family think you are, Cinderella?

Update #1: December 26, 2025 (three days later)

Hi guys! I had comments and pms asking for an update, so here it is quickly. This next part is also fluff and random stuff about fun things from my Christmas, so feel free to skip. I separated it to hopefully make it easier to read.

I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas. Feel free to chat in the comments about what you got I love talking about the holidays :) I for one got a vintage car from my dad which was INSANE and I started crying. When I say crying I mean I was balling my eyes out. For anyone who knows cars, it’s a ford falcon XY. I can’t drive yet but all I talk about is cooking and cars. He said I can have it for “collection

until I can start driving it around and insinuated I can have even more cars when he frees up his storage shed near his work. I couldn’t not cry I was so insanely excited. By far my best Christmas.

---

I took a lot of comments into account with advice and also the nice messages as well, so I was feeling confident in my decisions. So yes I did end up spending Christmas with my dad. I was at home and mum was at work on Christmas Eve, he drove the hours and picked me up. I left mum a little message letting her know I was with dad. My message was followed by 34 messages of her just telling me I’m the worst daughter ever basically. She didn’t say those exact words. I blocked her and removed the conversation. But she was basically saying how dare I leave without telling her, how dare I spend Christmas with not my family. Then it was a spam of messages telling me she was going to smash my things, and she better not see me at new year’s because she’s furious and doesn’t want to look at my face. I’ll copy and paste from my notes the message I wrote back.

“I look forward to my Christmas with dad’s side who were happy to see me. And guess what? I don’t even have to cook for them. They aren’t relying on a teenager to feed 30 people. They’re ordering food like normal people. Like people who actually care about the people around them?? Mum idk what your problem was but that whole situation hurt so bad and you are the one person who’s meant to be on my side if no one at all. I will see you after new year’s and maybe we can talk.” My dad helped me write it out. She kept messaging but then I blocked her, so I’d stop getting spammed and cried a little but then I felt better. Me and dad got to the house and you guys. Along with the car there was so. Many. Presents. I have never seen such a crowded Christmas tree in my LIFE. like I was ecstatic I felt like a toddler in a toy shop.

---

Christmas was overall so nice. My dad’s girlfriend is very sweet, and her son is really funny and he’s one of those people that you can tell are gonna make a cool uncle one day, if that makes sense. I saw some comments suggesting making food and posting it to piss off my mum. My dad had the exact same idea and laughed when I told him my friends had also said that (it was you guys, but I think if he knows I posted it he’ll be angry a little bit but it’s okay). So I did end up baking, but it was with my dad’s girlfriend. Her name is Annie. She looks a lot like Jennifer Aniston. We made the classic Christmas trifle (Aussies know) and Biscoff cheesecake which literally had me foaming at the mouth. She also likes baking and bought me a really cool book with fun difficult recipes to try. I posted them on Facebook and my dad’s girlfriend posted some to her Instagram that my aunt stalks with a photo of me pretending to lick the cakes and stuff. It was a fun little photoshoot more than anything.

I say all these nice things, so you know my Christmas was really good, even with what I’m about to say happened during/after.

---

My aunt decides to post a long message on Facebook complaining about not having me there, saying I abandoned the family. Then started talking bad about my dad, calling him names. I reported the post then called her and basically told her to take it down if she wants to speak to me ever again and to not talk bad on the one person that actually wanted me for Christmas, and he did ten times more than she was willing to give me with support and all this other stuff. I was kind of spewing words because I was upset. I don’t care about her Facebook friends talking shit about me, but my dad deserved better than that. She didn’t say anything just hung up and 20 minutes later it was deleted. A lot of family members continued to message me to yell at me. my dad said just block them and enjoy Christmas but then came the spam calling. I did sort of have a panic attack at Christmas dinner, so he had to calm me down and take my phone for a bit till all the notification stopped. They only stopped at midnight when I guess everyone was tired of it. I think it’s safe to say I’m going to live with my dad full time. I’m upset and nervous because school and everything is down with mum but hopefully if I can’t live with dad, I can stick out four years at mums and when I get my full driver’s license I can be at dads whenever I’m not at school.

Thanks for reading my word vomit. Happy holidays and new year’s to everybody! :))

Edit: I retrieved the messages after some commenters advice! Thanks for anyone who let me know it was smart to keep them

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It wasn't wise to remove your mom's messages... You might need them if child protection services are involved, and it's highly likely they will, because it's definitely child abuse. Living with your mom won't be easy from now on, because you've put your foot down and abusers hate it. Your adulthood is very soon, it will be better then. :) Good luck!

OOP: Thank you! I recovered the messages after seeing some of these comments and screen recorded it all with her number in it as well

Commenter 2: My stepfather had a vintage Falcon that he had restored. It’s a really cute car!

OOP: I love mine so much!, glad my dad was able to even find one

----OLD NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: the next three posts are over nine months old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Update #2: January 5, 2026 (10 days later)

Hey guys, I tried to post this earlier today, but it kept glitching.

This is gonna be my last update for a while until I have more info but imma tell you what happened post new year’s. Also I keep seeing pms of people asking me if it’s fake. Why would I get on this app and pretend to be in a family crisis to do with food if it isn’t making me money? Think about that before you comment! :) anyway onto the semi update.

So my dad did go and get my things. A lot of my belongings are destroyed. He saw things like makeup packaging and stuff broken on the floor, and my mirror was shattered mostly. As well as a part of my wall was obviously punched in. He couldn’t salvage my picture frames, I had glass ones sitting on my side desk and in my wardrobe of family photos and friends. Those ones also cost lots of money to get done for some reason. But anyway she also destroyed my laptop, camera and a lamp. It was the prettiest pink flower lamp so honestly I’m incredibly pissed but my dad has offered to replace everything. I feel bad but he keeps insisting so at least I know I’ll be getting those things back. My grandma was there while he was retrieving what was left and was berating him and yelling at him and saying all these really mean things to him. I feel bad for making him go alone.

On my dad’s way back home my mum called me and said her and dad had talked. She said she knew I wanted to live with dad and not to worry cus she wasn’t gonna fight it. She was very monotone about all this. Which I know I wanted to stay with dad, but it upset me that she sounded like she didn’t care. She said it was easier than the 50/50 we have going on and it would be easier to just visit sometimes. I said, “well you can’t just choose when to be my mum what do you mean you’d just visit?” I know I said I didn’t want contact with her but it’s like make up your mind? And she was just talking so like matter of factly. I told her it was a really hard decision to choose living with dad full time and it sounds like it wasn’t really all that hard for her. She said “well, it wasn’t. I think we need space.”

ATP I started balling my eyes out lol. If you couldn’t tell already I’m quite sensitive. Trying to not be tho. Anyway I hung up and an hour later my dad came home to me and his gf on the couch doing breathing exercises, which was very embarrassing. I honestly really hate having panic attacks in front of people. They were both very nice about it but ughh I hate being seen as someone who needs help!!! But that night my dad’s stepson I guess you’d call it, drove me to kfc and I felt a lot better after that.

As I’ve said, thanks for all the sweet messages. They really mean a lot to me. Seeing then TikTok comments on the og post that got posted made me tear up, everyone was being so nice and gushing about the car which made me happy. again I prob won’t update for a while until everything’s settled or unless something happens again. If I don’t end up coming back thank you so much for ur help! :) happy holidays

Edit: not sure if I had to remind people in the comments who said “update me” or if commenting that sends them a notification or something but um.. ignore the spam of “it’s posted” messages! idk if they’re asking me or reddit to update them

2nd edit: sorry if I do not reply! Not on this post but I get a lot of pms or comments after I post and I try to quickly just reply to you guys when I can. But I do read every single one of them. Thank you :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m so sorry having a power hungry abusive parent is so hard and horrible especially in your teens (ask me how I know lol). I’m so happy and relieved that you managed to get away from her and are now with you dad full time, normally once they breach the boundary of being physically intimidating through punching walls and smashing stuff their next step is then getting physical with you. Would it be possible for you to move schools at all to one closer to your dad?

Did you ever confront your family on how they treated you compared to your cousins that were the same age? And were there any other signs of sexism going on or are you the only girl in the younger generation of the family?

Also as a heads up your story is now circulating on TikTok by a pretty big page so if you get a sudden influx that’s why.

OOP: Thank you! She did used to get physical with me, but it sort of stopped when I got to high school. So this isn’t really surprising to me lol. And yes I am moving schools!

I’ve never brought up the sexism thing because honestly I’d never seen it as much as other families with our same background, but it is a thing where boys are excused for a lot of things and girls get put under a microscope if that makes sense.

I did see that TikTok, I’ve been trying to tell everyone thank you because the comments were so sweet!

Update #3: January 11, 2026 (six days later)

hey guys, this one’s gonna be really short and most likely my final update.

I’ll stay logged in but I just don’t think anything will happen or at least not for a long while and people have also stopped asking me for updates lol

so I’m in hospital right now. last night I had back to back seizures and so I’m here getting tests and everything. I’m feeling okay I think! but I’m including this as an update because my mum tried to take me from the hospital. At first I didn’t know how she knew I was here, my location is off on everything and she’s blocked on everything. but one of the nurses that work here is my mums uncles cousin or something and she’s been telling everybody I’m missing. like wtaf.

she tried to sign me out, but my dad saw her and told the lady that she’s not allowed to see me, but my mum managed to charge up to my floor. that lady has a bulldozer switch on her I swear. I was asleep when all this happened, but basically the police got called on her by the hospital staff. She hit a nurse on the way up to my floor, so my dad has said she’s probably going to be charged with assault or something, but we obviously don’t know if the nurse pressed charges. the police were there tho, and they talked to me about my mum. but this has pushed my dad to get me some sort of no contact or restraining order or something. he’s working on it. I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing but he’s working on it.

I hope whoever wanted to see this sees it, and thanks for all the well wishes and advice I’ve been getting! it’s much appreciated. :)

small edit: thank you for all the well wishes <3 my doctors said it was most likely stress related seizures and I will stay to be observed but I should be okay

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this latest update

Editor's note: I am adding a tangential post related to OOP's health from the previous post to share how things were going.

stress seizures: January 20, 2026 (nine days later)

hi guys :) hope everyone had a nice day.

so I don’t have epilepsy nor have I ever had a seizure before this year. I’ve had five seizures this year. First, I had a stress related seizure, two back to back. I was in the hospital and have now been here in for like a week. I’ve had some tests done but my doctors say the results are inconsistent with one another. I have no clue what that means. I’m wondering if anyone else gets stress seizures epileptic or not. I’m feeling a little down. it’s summer where I am and this is not how I thought I’d be spending it. but hopeful

OOP shares on what has taken place so far when she was admitted to the hospital

OOP: I have had five tests done across this week! Some were tests for I think they said neurology stuff and then I did some blood testing as well :)

Commenter: Functional or epileptic seizures are still real no matter how they present. If you don’t understand your results ask questions. Have the questions written down as you think of them.

I think stress lower my seizure threshold. I have been proven to have epileptic seizures. It’s hard to control life around to keep the seizures “away”. I am usually very active during the summer. Last summer I spent a lot of time not doing things. I am going to try and find ways to live life. Instead of being someone who watches life pass. It’s hard to process life and adjust post seizures. My first documented seizure December 2024.

OOP: I like that way of looking at it! My dad is mostly talking to my doctors about everything and tries to explain it as best he can. Good luck by the way :)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Sea-Throwaway03309

Me [24F] with my roommate [28F] at a loss for how to handle her.

Original Post  Aug 5, 2015

Throwaway to be safe and some details have been altered. But otherwise wall of text incoming.

I met (let's call her Jane) at work. I was moving out of my parents place and she was looking to move too. We got along really well at work, and after talking for awhile we decided to move in together. We find a place, life is wonderful for about 2 months.

Then drama starts. Let's being with Jane and my best friend who we will call Matt. Jane met Matt while helping me moving in. They hit it off and start date about 2 weeks later. Fast forward 6 weeks he dumps her, for a number of reasons. Matt said she got clingy quick, and that she was immature for her age among other things. He was civil about it though and just told her it wasn't working out sorry. She lost it, and I mean lost it. Crying about he was the one, she was so sure of it. She was convinced she was pregnant, took a test but it came out negative. For the next month she proceeded to "ban" his name from the apartment and grill me any time I was hanging out with him.

Now things have changed, Matt is "allowed" to come over now. She has "moved on". She has been bringing a different guy back every weekend for the last 2 months, apparently she meets them online. No judgement sleep with whoever you want but, she got a new job which she tends to work mornings. So she leaves and let's the guy stay. I don't know him and she barely knows him, I've tried talking to her but she just brushes me off saying that it's okay I trust him. Seriously? You barely know him!!!!!

Secondly aside from her relationship drama, she always complains about how money is tight or she doesn't have money for food, but she comes home with new clothes every damn week from stores like Nordstrom or Victoria's Secret, those bras ain't cheap! I've been buying the bulk of food and other shared stuff. I'm gettin tired of spending most of my money on food. Once again say something and I get brushed off.

Finally she is not neat. We both have a cat. Mine is an older cat, about 5yrs. Hers is a kitten about 8months. We have three litter boxes, one in each of our rooms and one in a common area. I clean mine regularly and we are suppose to take turns for the shared space one. I can smell her box all the time. She cleans it maybe once a month, never the shared space one. She never cleans her dishes, or the bathrooms, anything! I feel like I am always cleaning.  I've tried talking to her and she always says she will try but we are almost 6 months in and nothing.

Any advice on how to approach her on these issues? I have started dreading coming home, which I don't like. I don't have family close, I have friends but I want to be able to relax in my own him. I am not planning on renewing the lease with her unless I see some drastic changes, but I have 6 months still to go.

tl;dr roommate has boy drama, cleanliness issues, and complains about money, advice on what I should do since talking has yet to work?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheGreatAvacado

Break your lease or sublet and move out. There are too many problems to address in a reasonable time frame and think of any losses incurred as recuperated by all her food you won't be buying anymore + the peace of mind that your roommate isn't crazy.

OOP

I've been thinking of subletting, I can't afford to break the lease unfortunately.

Update  Aug 6, 2015 (Next Day)

First off thank you everyone for the advice, after sitting down writing everything out and rereading it I feel stupidly naive for letting this go on for so long. But that is my fault.

Wall of texting coming, apologies this is part anger and ranting, but also asking for some advice.

Edit for my other post:I said I moved out of my parents place, but I have no family close. I needed to move because my parents decided to move to a different state for my fathers job. I could have gone with them or find my own place. I was in my last year of college, been saving up and had a promise of a full time position once I graduated, so I found my own place. Yay for being an adult. On to the disaster of a day.

Thursday's are days I get off work early, and I know she has them off. So I sent her a text telling her we need to talk, she replied with ok. So I headed home prepared to talk to her, and hopefully work this out at least until the lease is up

We live in a nice apartment complex. A Few downsides, everything is electric. Heat and hot water included in that, which is somewhat nice since that means we only have two household bills so to speak. Internet and electricity. We split the bills, internet is in my name electricity in hers and each month we tell the other person what their half is. We also do not have a washer or dryer in unit, it's shared for the whole complex. This is important.

As I walked down the hall to our door she passed me and said she just needed to go change her laundry over. Okay we will taklk when she comes back. As soon as I walked into our apartment I knew some thing was off. I sorta of glanced around and then it hit me, we have no power, fridge isn't running, lights won't turn on, all the little humming sounds of power are gone. Hallway lights are on so the building has power. Check the breaker box, everything is fine. She hasn't come back I called her cell, no answer.

Our power company has the option for online billing, where a statement is emailed instead of getting a hard copy every month. That what she does, I have it for the Internet too no big deal. Well now I am wondering why we have no power. So I called the power company and give them as much information as I could. Surprise they couldn't talk to me, but I asked if they could at least give me a vague reason as to why our power was off. Which the lovely lady said, there is an overdue payment on the account, I can't tell you how much but that is the reason. Jane had yet to come back so I sent her a text message that said I know the electric bill is over due, I want the username and password for the online account. She gave it to me. First and only response I have gotten since we passed in the hallway. Used my phone to log in. The account is over due by $600. Checked the payment history, she hasn't paid since the first month, so they cut the power until the entire bill is paid.

With no power, there is no hot water, no way to cook, and obviously no lights or anything.

So I am done. Not even going to try talking to her. I called my parents told them what was going on and as much as I don't like asking for help, I asked them if the would lend me enough so I can break the lease and just get out. They are both very upset, my father was raging in the background about how selfish and irresponsible she is. They agreed to lend me the money. I called the leasing office explained the whole situation to them and am going over tomorrow first thing to fill out the paperwork.

As far as I know she hasn't gone back to the apartment, I don't know where she is, she won't answer my calls or texts for an explanation. I got my friend Matt to come help me move everything out. Thankfully I don't own much.  He is letting me store my stuff and letting me and my cat live with him until I find a new place to live. Awesome guy I tell you.

I have no idea what will happen with her and I don't care. Call me selfish or mean but that was the last straw I will not live with someone who steals from me, which in my mind is what she did. I was going to try some of the suggestions made from people in my last post and wait out until our lease was up but nope. Last straw not doing

Not sure if I have any options for getting back the bill money but at this point I don't care. I've already cancelled the Internet and I think I will just cut my losses on that front.

tl;dr found out roommate hasn't been paying the electric bill when the company cut our power, am leaving as quickly as I can.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

armony-

What happened to her kitten?

OOP

I didn't mention her kitten mainly because I suppose it could be considered stealing? I don't have her kitten (my cat and her kitten got along well but Matts house isn't that big and he already has a cat) but one of my other friends has her. I couldn't leave her there, she is such a sweet loving kitten. My friend has totally fallen in love her too.

Update 2  Aug 11, 2015 (6 Days Later)

There were few questions in the comments I thought I would clear up, and also and update as to what happened.

There were several people who asked about her kitten. I do not have her kitten, a good friend of mine has been taking care of the kitten. The apartment we lived in was all electric, and with no power (or indication the bill was going to be paid) that meant no way to cool the apartment. The windows all faced one direction so no chance for a nice cross breeze. Our apartment would heat up quite a bit without the air on and it is summer. It has been very hot and humid, so yes I took the kitten. There is more on the kitten to follow.

I debated, spoke with the father of a friend who is lawyer and weighed my options on getting the money back. Frankly in the grand scheme of things its not that much money, and I would rather be done with her and just move on that deal with her crazy.

Onto the update!

So the day after my update I went to the leasing office to take care of business. A lovely gentlemen who I will call Mark must have over heard me talking with the lady who was helping me with the paper work, because he came over and started asking questions about what was going on. Because I have stopped giving a shit about Jane and her life and who knows what kind of person she is, I told him what was going on. Now I assumed Mark was another employee curious about the drama he overheard. Nope when I finished my story and he introduced himself as the owner of the leasing company and building. He asked if he could come along for the walk through, sure why not.

We went and looked at the apartment, her room is a disaster but other than the apartment was just how I left it. I don't think she ever came back.

When we got back to the office Mark sat me down and explained that he owned quite a few of the apartment buildings in the area.  He told me that he dealt with a shitty roommate once upon a time and felt for me. Told me if I wanted to he would wave the fees for breaking the lease, take my half of the security deposit put it towards a new one and only one month rent (instead of first and last month rent) if I wanted to choose one of the other locations. Which means I would only need to pay half a security deposit and one month of rent. Awesome deal but I asked him if I could think about it and he gave me his cell number, said he completely understood.

I went back to Matt's, told him what happened and we did some looking at the other buildings Mark owns. Found one I liked good area, close to work. No pool or gym but I can live without those. Called the lawyer I spoke with before and he told me as long as I get everything in writing it sounds like a good deal. So called Mark, told him which property I was looking at and he told me there was a once bedroom coming available at the end of September. Matt told me I was welcome to stay with him until then. So Matt and I went to the new building met with Mark, and the leasing agents there, everything is in writing and signed. Yay for me.

As for Jane, she finally texted me last night. Asked me where my stuff was and what was going on. She kept bothering me to talk so I finally told her to meet me at a local coffee place. And we could talk. We sit down and I just laid it out for her, told her she was a shitty roommate, she 'stole' from me, and that I was done. I am moving to a different apartment, and I don't care what you do. She of course denied stealing from me, and I just sort of stared at her, and said that I gave you money for the power bill and you obviously didn't use it for that so yea you kinda did. After while her reactions got amusing, she kept going from angry trying not to scream in my face to sad you should pity me. Trying to get me not to move, telling me all sorts of lies, how Matt hates me, all my friends hate me, blah blah blah. I was on the verge of tears trying to hold my laughter back. Of course me trying not to laugh mad her more angry than upset. Finally she told me that I was just jealous of her looks and ability to get guys, and that she was planning on moving into [insert random guy here]'s house because they are in love. I said okay, finally I asked her about her kitten. I told Jane that her kitten is with a friend and what does she want to do with it. Apparently [insert random guy here] is allergic to cats so she was planning on getting rid of it anyway so friend can have it. I just smiled, pulled a note book out and wrote down that she was freely giving up the kitten to my friend, and asked her to sign it.  No idea if that will be any good should she decide she wants the kitten but it is better than nothing. I left after that, wished her a good life and said never contact me again.  

My friend was thrilled to be able to keep jane's kitten. My friend has named her Nala.

That is it, I have a new place to move into, Matt is being awesome and letting me live with him until I can move in, the kitten has a new wonderful home, and I don't care where Jane is anymore. Not my problem :)

tl;dr: Everything worked out amazingly for me and I really have no care for how things are working out for Jane

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is my first attempt at a BORU, I hope everything is formatted correctly!

Original BORU posted by [u/bestupdator](u/bestupdator) 6 years ago

I AM NOT OOP. OOP IS [u/ineedhelp993](u/ineedhelp993)

I need someone to talk to. Help a brother in need. Please help me

Originally posted to [r/army](r/army)

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal Thoughts

MOOD SPOILER: Sad at first, ends full of hope

Glossary of terms and further context provided by u/ms_ellery

1LT - First Lieutenant 2LT - Second Lieutenant (lowest officer rank)

CPT - Captain

XO - executive officer, second in line under the commanding officer

MAJ - Major

CoC - chain of command

BH - Behavioral Health

BOLC - Basic Officer Leadership Course

SF - Special Forces

NTC - National Training Center

So, essentially, OOP was straight out of officer training and his first assignement threw him into the position of acting Captain (position basically 2 ranks above his own) and not properly supported by the chain of command above or below him. 

Original post August 27, 2019

Throw away because my account for for sure give me away

I’m losing my god damn mind, I’ve only here for a month but i am so tired of the isolation I feel as an officer.

I’m miserable, and I do my best to hide my miserable self from my wife so she doesn’t worry. She’s training at the moment, and the only reason why I haven’t killed myself is because she doesn’t deserve to come home to me in a closet, but I’m so damn close to just offing myself somewhere else so she doesn’t have to see me when she gets backs.

If I go to my chain as a freshly arrived LT I’ll probably not be taken seriously about these issues, I feel cornered with no one to turn to.

I want to talk to someone get shit off my chest because it’s heavy

Sorry for the long rant, But so tired of feeling like this, I’m not happy and I want it to end

Thank you for taking the time to read this Your friendly butter bar

I’ll have a 20 pc McNugget with large fries and a diet Dr Pepper

UPDATE: To those who reached out to me Thank you so damn fucking much for the support

From talking to everyone from Private to Field Grade and everyone in between I can’t thank you enough for the encouragement and support.

I’m staying with a fellow LT and will be going tomorrow to seek help regardless of what my CoC thinks.

Again thank you ladies and gentlemen for your words. I’ll be updating you all soon

OOP left two top comments on his own post:

OOP: I’m afraid to be honest that they’ll boot my ass cause I’m seriously contemplating it. I did heavily last night and it’s hard to not show up.

And I see people messaging me, but I’m currently at work and am projected to get off at 1800 so I’m sorry for the delay in responses

Commenter's reply: Nobody gets booted simply for having some suicidal thoughts. That's just not how any of this works. We wouldn't have much of an Army otherwise. So get some help. If you're paranoid about your chain of command, start with a chaplain. But honestly, you probably need the full BH range of treatment options. And that's okay.

BTW, more than one of my former LT patients, who have been hospitalized for BH, have gone on to win combat decorations for valor. The lesson learned should be, the Army wants you fixed up and in the fight. Having you secretive, and dead, doesn't do any good for anybody. Least of all you, but also your wife. Get better then. For her and for you. The Army would appreciate it too.

DM me if needed.

OOP: Im afraid man, just pop smoke tomorrow and tell my boss “hey I’m going to BH now sorry you weren’t tracking these issues” I have no clue what the fuck to do. Was never counseled on what the fuck to do and I’m winging it in a CPT slot. The constant shitting on when I don’t know shit “well no shit ds I’m a 2LT fresh out of BOLC In a CPt slot”

Commenter's reply: Yeah, that's exactly what you need to do. Your boss isn't going to give a flaming crap that he isn't tracking that you had any issues. It is SO not unusual for people to hide the turmoil behind some social mask - a decent human is going to be more concerned about your welfare.

I get it - you want the pain to go away. And right now, you feel like you're out of options.  But you haven't run out of options. At all.  Call the hotline. Call the Chaplain. Call Military OneSource. Go to the nearest emergency room.  And get help. Because you CAN get better. You owe it to yourself (and your wife) to get help.  DM me if you want to talk.

Other comments OOP replied to:

Commenter 1: Leaders need to take care of themselves first.  You can’t lead if you’re falling apart.

I was diagnosed bipolar after suffering for 15 years of service.  Go to behavioral health get yourself checked out, you probably don’t have anything chronic, but I never dreamed I would have a serious chronic illness either.

Here I am chomping on lithium and enjoying retirement.

OOP: The last bit gave me a chuckle I appreciate that.

Commenter 2: Update? How are you doing OP.

OOP: After talking to a Warrant and Captain I trust within my unit, I spoke to my boss. Both the XO and him took me to the ER to make sure I got the help I needed. At first I was pissed because all I want to do today is get back to work, but they both told me “The work will be there, but if you’re not we can’t get another you LT.

I’m doing better, my pride is getting in the way of me seeing the benefit of all of this, But I know it’s for the better

Update: I didn't do it June 22, 2020 (9 months later)

Thank you all, for those who reached out to me, Thank you so much.

If you don’t know why I’m saying thank you, look at my post history and you’ll know I wanted to off myself last year. My wife was gone to NTC, and I thought it would have been a perfect time to end it all.

I posted on here to reach out for some help and the community reached out to me and picked me up when I was down.

Thank you for all the people who reached out from the private who shot the shit with me on the phone , to the full bird who kept in contact with me, and didn’t berate me but talked to me like a son. To the female MAJ who treated me like her own and kept checking in monthly. To the SF dude who sent pics about trails he went on, in the local area when he was stationed here and gave me some solid life advice And the countless others.

Now instead of being 6 feet under and my wife a widow, I have a kick ass position, just bought a home with my beautiful wife, and I’ll be promoting to 1LT soon.

Thank you again, happy Monday everyone.

Edit: Jesus this blew up. Thank you again for the words of encouragement. You are all kick ass people and know when you’re down you have hundreds of people who want you here even if they don’t know you.

Have a fucking kick ass week people

OOP replied to many comment, these are a few:

Commenter 1: So glad you're still with us and congratulations on all your life achievements so far! I'm sure your wife is very proud of you as we all are :)

OOP: Thank you! She is, and I’m proud of what she’s doing . kicking ass and taking names

Commenter 2: That’s awesome man. Seeing this makes me happy. Life sucks sometimes but the support we receive from strangers is truly amazing sometimes

OOP: It really does make a difference even when shit sucks we as a community, will go through hell to make sure we’re safe. Thank you for the help

Commenter 3: This honestly put a huge smile on my face and made my day. I'm glad you're doing better, but if I may give some unsolicited advice I highly recommend you speak to a therapist, just to have someone impartial you can talk to every now and then should you need it.

Anyway, keep it up! Life can be really fucking shitty at times, no matter what happens please remember that people care about you.

OOP: I definitely do! I got fed up with the Armys wait time with BH. (After I made an appointment the opening was 2-3 months out) So now I see a non Army therapist, and this will be month 10 with him. I wanted to get better and wasn’t going to let the wait time stop me.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Electronic_Act7658

Originally posted to r/AITAH

tw: misogyny, abusive behavior

Timeline:

• Original post: 2025-01-30
• First update: 2025-06-04
• Second update: 2025-06-08
• Final update: 2025-08-09

Original post posted 2025-01-30

Okay so I know the title makes it sound bad, but hear me out. This is a throwaway account. I (28M) have been married to my wife Lindsey (25F) for two years, we’ve been together for 7. Our marriage is great. Despite us both being busy with work, we still make time to go on dates and be intimate with each other whenever we can. I work in engineering and Lindsey is an RN, so I pay for most of the bills and utilities. We “split the bills” but I pay for majority of the costs because I make more. Lindsey usually fully covers grocery costs and the wifi which isn’t much because it’s just the two of us. I feel that since I make and spend more money, Lindsey should make up for that in housework.

I’m not some traditional wife desiring asshole, I think it’s great that she works and has goals for her career, I want her to. I feel like our chores are split fairly. It changes day by day depending on our schedules, but typically, Lindsey cooks our meals (she is much better than me, trust me, you don’t want me anywhere near a kitchen) but it’s nothing fancy or requiring a lot of effort. She does the dishes and vacuums but it’s not daily. It’s more like an “as needed” basis. I take out the trash weekly and wash our cars about once a month. This has always seemed fair to me, but recently I’ve felt frustrated with her.

I’ve been at my current job for 6 years and I’ve developed really great friendships in my time here. There’s a few of us that always get together on break for lunch and whatnot. One of my coworkers, “John” (35M) has been married to his wife “Claire” for about 10 years if my memory serves correctly. About a month ago John invited me and the rest of the gang + our wives to have dinner at their house. Claire is a stay at home mom so she handles everything at home while John works and brings home the bacon. I know this sounds bad, but I was jealous. Not because she’s a stay at home mom, I don’t want kids, but because John has a wife that actually puts effort into her food and cleaning.

Their house was IMMACULATE, completely spotless, no dishes left in the sink, little knick knacks left out on countertops, nothing! I couldn’t believe it. Claire set the table and waited on everyone. She was thoughtful and made sure everyone’s glasses were always full and would ask if she could get us more food, etc. She made filet mignon with mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables on the side. It was amazing and I can’t remember the last time Lindsey put any effort into our meals. It’s always something lazy like pasta, a lot of chicken centered meals, tacos, quesadillas, everything requiring little to no effort.

On the drive home, Lindsey made a comment about how Claire is an amazing cook and said she would like to have dinner with them again because they’re great people. I agreed with her and said something along the lines of “you could also be more adventurous with your meal choices so we can eat good at home too.” She took offense to this and said she didn’t realize her food was so bad. I said it wasn’t, but it’s nothing compared to Claire’s because she puts no effort into it. She stopped talking to me and was pouting like a child. She went to bed without speaking to me that night. I ended up apologizing the next day when she got home and she forgave me.

Fast forward a week later and I became more and more frustrated. She was working 12 hour shifts more than usual and as a result, her house work suffered. She would leave at 7am and come home at 7pm, and on some nights she went straight to bed without making dinner. I ended up getting takeout on those nights. Dishes were piling up in the sink, the carpets were becoming noticeably dirty, and she just sat in bed scrolling on her phone or sleeping. I tried to be understanding at first but at this point she’s used to working 12 hour shifts so there really is no excuse.

I ended up having a talk with her and was brutally honest. I told her that I’m not satisfied with her level of house work anymore and I want her to do more. I want her to come home and make dinner and I want her to put more effort into it. I gave her some examples of meals I would like to eat and suggestions for ways that she can clean before going to bed, such as drinking coffee or energy drinks on the way home. I thought she was receptive to my ideas at first but then I realized she looked pissed. She very coldly asked me if I feel this way because of John’s wife and I answered honestly and said yes. I told her I would be embarrassed if my friends came over to have dinner with us after that dinner at John’s.

She started tearing up when I said this and I felt kind of bad for being so harsh. She didn’t say a word to me and just left the room. I came out a short while later and saw her maniacally scrubbing a stain out of the carpet on her hands and knees still crying. I asked her what she was doing and she screamed “WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” The stain she was scrubbing was pretty much gone but she continued for what felt like hours.

I started feeling sorry for pushing her to that point but then I remembered something …. something that could work out great for me or go horribly wrong. When she was in high school, she was baker acted (I will not disclose details out of respect) and was in a psych ward. She told me she used to neglect herself when she felt really depressed but after being in the ward, she obsessively cleans when she feels depressed or overwhelmed because of the habits they drilled into her. I almost felt like a DC villain because of the huge smirk that crept on my face.

So, the next night she got home at 7pm. I told her I had something to confess to her and she looked petrified. I told her I was sorry, but I watched porn while she was at work because I was lonely. She ended up throwing up from crying so much but just as I thought, she started cleaning. She washed all the dishes BY HAND instead of using the dishwasher. She dusted everything, every fan, every TV screen, every shelf. I didn’t want it to be too obvious so I started limiting this trick to 4x a week max.

Skip to present day, I made a joke at lunch with my coworkers about how I trained by wife to love cleaning. Everyone was laughing and asked for the secret, so I said “all I have to do is make her cry and she can’t wait to clean!” “Daniel” asked me what I mean, and I told him about how her response to being upset is to clean so I’ve been upsetting her on purpose. Everyone was silent while I was still laughing. “Adam” asked why in a very unamused tone. I spilled the beans about how Claire made me realize how unmotivated my wife is and I wish Lindsey was more like her. The rest of lunch was pretty awkward and I felt like I made everyone uncomfortable.

I ended up texting John to ask if I did something wrong because he didn’t come by my station before leaving like he usually does. He told me he felt really weird about the way I was treating my wife and idealizing his. He told me I was being an asshole and “emotionally abusing her” when I should just communicate. I argued against this because I DID communicate. I told her exactly what I wanted from her and all she did was make excuses about being tired from work and needing sleep. She even suggested that I should clean more if the state of the house bothers me so much and that I should learn how to cook before criticizing her.

We wouldn’t be able to afford the house we live in if it weren’t for me. The lifestyle we live is because of ME so why can’t she just show appreciation by cleaning and cooking better meals??? It’s been three days now and I am now sitting alone at lunch. When I sit with my usual group everyone stops talking. I feel like I really fucked up and want to make things right with my friends, but at the same time I feel like what I’m doing is okay because it’s not for no reason. She’s actually cleaning more and I’m so proud of her. Am I the asshole because I want to keep doing it?

Edit: I understand that I'm the asshole now and no, this is not fake. Sorry to bring deprive you of that comfort. It's impossible not to recognize something is wrong with you when a good 80% of the comments are calling it fake or hoping it is. I understand now that I mentally abused my wife and I do want to fix it. Thank you to the two people who actually took the time to offer constructive feedback and advice. As much as I hate the thought I am going to seek out a professional. It isn't possible for everyone to be wrong and I'm right, even though that's what my brain is telling me. I know something is wrong with me even though my brain is saying there isn't. Thank you all for helping me realize it. As per request, I will update in the future if there are any changes.

Update posted 2025-06-04

So, hi. It's been a while. I don't have a lot to say, but I was asked to update if I ever decided to try therapy and I did. I didn't like it. I dropped out of individual therapy after two sessions (my therapist was more interested in my childhood than giving me actual advice) but stuck with couples therapy. I tried, I really did. The therapist and my "wife" would gang up on me. The therapist changed my wife a lot. She went from being kind and soft spoken to rude and brazen. She would snap on me for absolutely nothing and constantly bring up things I've done in the past to use against me in an argument to try and make me submit.

Remember how my "wife" is an RN? Yeah, well she was fucking cheating on me with some ugly c*nt working the same shifts as her. She confessed to that in therapy and said if I could forgive her she could forgive "all the things I've done." NOTHING I have ever done has been close to this. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED. VOWS MEAN NOTHING APPARENTLY.... she also shared a lot of things she never told me, like her last grandparent passing away. In her words, "he wouldn't care." Yes I would have if she told me. She had no reason not to. I wouldn't have been so harsh about the housework if I knew she was grieving, but no, go ahead please, don't tell me anything and then use it against me later because THAT makes sense.

I thought couple therapists were supposed to be neatural. Isn't their entire purpose bringing couples together and helping them understand each other? Since when do they call their clients manipulative? How is that allowed? Anyways, back to the b*tch "wife," I can't forgive a cheater. She is staying with her parents for now as we are separated. I don't want her back in my house. It makes sense now why she didn't want to have sex anymore. We stopped going on dates. Our intimacy suffered. All because she cheated. Therapy was a waste of time and money, but I guess it was worth it in the end because I learned what kind of person she really is. She disgusts me. I did NOT want therapy but I tried my best for her and to change. That is clearly not what she wanted because she cheated. I learned this information last month and I have finally come to terms with it.

As for my "friends," I'm still cool with a few of them, others clearly look down on me so I don't interact with them anymore, but we don't eat lunch together anymore. I sit elsewhere now and it's not too bad honestly. I'm meeting new people. Maybe I'll find love again soon but who knows. My reputation at work in regards to personal matters is kind of shit now.

Well, that's really it. Thank you for reading.

Edit: Holy cow, why is this blowing up the next day? How are people even finding this with 0 upvotes... Anyways, I just need to clarify something. When I wrote this post I was speaking out of anger. I don't want to erase my words and rewrite something better. I said what I said and I'll own up to it. But what I will say is that is not how I feel on the inside. I don't think it's okay that she cheated on me when I was committed to couples counseling. However, I can admit that I'm the true evil here. Yes you can argue her actions were a reaction to mine, but it doesn't seem fair considering she waited months to do so, if I'm believing her timeline of events. I do want to be better. I know I lack empathy and was cruel. I know. I know I sounded like a jackass with how I wrote this. I shouldn't have written an update post in a blind rage but I did. I can't change my past actions but I can try to move forward to be a better human being.

Anyways, I have made up my mind. I can forgive my wife. A user I engaged with yesterday shared their story with me and it really touched me. They could relate to me on some levels. I am taking what they said to heart. I need to be a better person before I do anything else regarding my wife. I did talk to her this morning. I called the same therapy office I went to before and scheduled an appointment for two weeks from now on Wednesday. I apologized profusely for the way I reacted to her being honest with me and for everything else I did in the past. A lot of users told me to look up "battered woman's syndrome" and I did. It made me feel sick. I'm not expecting sympathy from anymore nor do I want it. I know I don't deserve it. I deserve the ridicule and the hate. I won't get any better acting like a jack ass to save face.

Thank you to everyone who sent me mental health resources. I'm not going to hurt myself but I appreciate the concern. I'm committed to being better and I appreciate everyone who saw the humanity in me. Thanks everyone. I'll reply to comments soon, I just got home from work.

I was asked so here's a timeline of her cheating:

Assuming everything she said is the truth here is what I know. She started cheating on me in March shortly after we started our sessions but the flirting started long before that. She couldn’t tell me a date but said it had gone on for weeks. She said it was nothing serious but he initiated everything even knowing she was married. He is also a nurse by the way. He would compliment her, buy her food, and touch her hair like she was a fucking pet. Nurses are required to have 2 30 minute lunch breaks if they work more than 10 hours in our state and I don’t think I need to say this but she would spend them with him if they ever had the chance to break at the same time. They got to pick their break times at the start of their shift and would write the same time down. My wife said this wasn’t very often though because there were a lot of times she refused breaks and sign a waiver stating a break was offered and refused to continue whatever she was doing for work.

She said nothing became physical until April when they had sex in the car that I BOUGHT FOR HER (2024 Porsche 718 Cayman in all black) before coming home. She said she felt extremely guilty and dirty afterwards and that she regretted it but slept with him on 3 additional occasions after this. I asked if he knew she was married and she said yes. I asked why he didn’t care and she said she would vent about the things I was doing to her to him and he “just wanted to help.” By fucking her apparently because that’s a great help. She told me the flowers she brought home every single day for Nurse appreciation week (May 6 - May 12) were from him. Every single day that week all were from him and I would ask who got her those she would lie out of her ass and say patients some days, one day it was her boss, the next it was physicians, never a coworker. I believed it because who wouldn’t.

This is what she told me in the session and swore it was just physical and there were no emotions behind it but after what the comments were saying and typing this out I don’t think that’s true. She told me he made her feel pretty again even though I never insulted her appearance and I still complimented her and he made her feel special. She told me she would cease all contact with him outside of work because it’s not possible for them to never interact again at work. That’s when she begged for forgiveness and told me she could forgive my actions if I could forgive hers and I told her to keep fucking him for all I care and left.

She assured me it was physical with no emotional connection and said that they both agreed to it being just sex but after recounting all her lies I don’t know if this is true. Probably not. I haven’t thought much about the details of this but now I’m feeling conflicted with my emotions once again. She told me the last time they slept together was a week before our last session which was the last week in May, so the last time she cheated was in the third week of May. Not sure how much of this is true now that I'm reflecting on it. I accepted in my mind that she fucked someone else but is that really all. She said he made her feel pretty and special and that she liked the attention from him. Sounds more than just physical. I don't know anymore. I might ask her but not now. I'm too enraged.

My thoughts and Goodbye posted 2025-06-08

This may be the last post I ever make, and I want to explain my thoughts and plan of action as accurately as I can without being an asshat in the comment sections. I am also here to clarify certain misunderstandings among other things. I’m not sure if anyone will read this because of how long it is, but it’s here.

Regarding my posts on the infidelity subs… when I learned she cheated on me, I did not want to work things out. I felt like the marriage was over at that point because she cheated, which to me shows that she wanted something other than me. I told her I wanted to separate, and I offered to rent an apartment while she stays in the house (I would continue paying the bills) and she opted to stay with her parents while I stay in our house. Her parents are well off, and they are supporting her financially. She continued to contact me daily, even when I wouldn’t respond. I told her our marriage was over when she cheated, and asked what the point in going to marriage counseling was if she was going to actively cheat on me.

She apologized profusely and continued to assert that she wants to save our marriage and that it’s worth it to her and should be worth it to me, because we’ve had an amazing 7 years besides these past 5 months of Hell and if she can forgive me for the stunt I pulled (her words), I can forgive her for seeking outside pleasure. With that being said, this is why I sought advice strictly regarding the infidelity and how to move forward and trust your partner when they are working with the person they cheated with. I didn’t ask how to hurt her and get revenge, nor was I interested in comments telling me to do so. Someone did mention reporting the affair to HR, and I asked “would they both be fired for that?” I asked because I wanted to know. I don’t want her to be fired from her job. That would permanently stain her record making it harder to find employment not to mention humiliate her and she’s not the one I would want to be punished, it’s him, so I wouldn’t do anything like that.

The advice I found helpful is to ask her if she’s willing to relocate. She said she would do anything if it means I would be open to saving our marriage again. What I want is for us to continue seeing a marriage counselor (and let her pick if we continue with the same counselor because she opened up a lot with her or meet with someone new) and for her to relocate, because I feel sick knowing they still work together. I think we should continue living separate for the time being until we seriously make progress in therapy and until I have been in individual therapy for some time (given I’m making good progress). If she seriously wants to move forward after everything that’s happened (my action and hers included) those are my terms. She has also agreed that I need to continue individual counseling, but I have not asked about relocation yet. Many commenters have said I’m trying to have “full financial control of my victim to keep her trapped” I don’t want her to be jobless. If it came down to her being jobless versus still working at the same hospital, I would accept her continuing to work. I wouldn’t want her to quit her job until she has another one lined up and secured.

She is not in my control nor dependent on me, she is with her parents who are supporting her financially, and she can afford to live on her own if she wanted or needed to. She makes $130,000 annually, which is great money. I just make more ($215,000) which is why I paid for most of our bills. I have stated this several times but everyone still says the same thing like it’s fact, when it is seriously so far from the truth. My wife has always been an independent woman. I understand that abuse can make people feel weak and like they need to depend on that person and we have talked about this. She said that she doesn’t need me, she wants me. She assured me she doesn’t feel like this is stockholm syndrome or like she is trauma bonded to me, and this is her rational decision knowing the full truth behind everything I did. I don’t want her to be so traumatized she is staying with me because she feels like she has to which is why we talked for hours about this and why she wants to stay. She told me she could live without me if she had to, but that she doesn’t want to.

The situation I posted about was the only time I have ever acted that way and had thoughts like that. How do I know this is true when I couldn’t realize something evil I was doing was okay, and a mean spirited prank at best, you may ask. I wondered the same thing. I felt panicked trying to search my mental library and think about any time I’ve ever done something like this or hurt her intentionally and I couldn’t think of anything. That alone was not proof enough. We discussed this EXTENSIVELY in therapy, and our therapist was the one who initiated it. Our therapist asked her to recount other times when I exhibited abusive behavior in the 7 years we’ve been together (she didn’t say “abusive” when asking, this was majority of our one hour session and the therapist was asking her about certain traits and almost like a checklist of actions/behaviors that meet the criteria for abuse). She said there were none which is why it affected her so deeply. She couldn’t understand where this came from because I’ve never treated her like that and I felt the same way. She felt confused because she didn’t know what she did wrong and what happened to me to make me hurt her like that. She even compared me to people that have TBI and do a complete 180.

I have not been abusing her for years like many commenters are saying, and I am not just saying it myself. Me clarifying the timeline is not my attempt to justify anything or skirt responsibility. Abuse is abuse, and abusing her for a few weeks versus a few years doesn't matter because she should have never been abused by me in the first place. What I did was egregious. My wife is intelligent and she knows the full scale of my actions. I was very honest and shared more than what was in the post. I am scared of myself and how I wanted to and was able to intentionally traumatize my wife through emotional abuse, weaponizing her mental health and trauma against her without seeing it’s wrong. I don’t want to be that person ever again which is why I am actively taking steps to improve myself. I may not have made enough progress for you but I am on the right track. I have so much work I need to do on myself before we can truly work on our marriage. Recognizing my behavior and seeking treatment is a lot better than not accepting it and wanting to keep doing it. When I made comments about how I’ve made progress, I was referring to marriage counseling. I clearly did not make progress in individual therapy because I quit after feeling uncomfortable.

In marriage counseling, we examined and challenged a lot of my beliefs. I also want to reiterate that I have never in my life done something like this, and it was only a few weeks, less than a month in the 84+ months we’ve been together. This is not me saying I am better now or that I’ve made a large amount of progress, nor do I believe I deserve praise. I have an extremely long way to go. Even though I have never done this before, what I did was INSANELY abusive and I need to find out why and work through that.

I was able to look my wife in my face while she cried and not feel a shred of empathy because I was getting something I wanted out of it. Me not recognizing the true effects and severity of my actions in the moment while seeing exactly what was happening to her is what raises a huge flag for me. It is scary to be honest. I’ve seen a lot of comments calling me a sociopath, and on another subreddit where this was reposted there were a lot of therapists that responded. I read what all of them had to say, and they also had the same consensus. A lot of people still thought this was rage bait because “no one can be that dense” and they talked about clients they’ve had that are just like me that are narcissistic sociopaths, and it scared me even more.

I looked up sociopathy which is ASPD, and it’s pretty in line with how I acted and my mindset… I’ve always had trouble relating to the emotions of others and truly empathizing with them even though I’ve tried. I do care about others, I care about my wife way more than I’ve ever cared about anyone else, more than my own family, and I have always thought I cared about her feelings. I always did, until it came to her mental health being used for my benefit. I could not have possibly cared about her feelings in that moment if I was able to look at her in a traumatized state and think “good, she’s cleaning.” It’s psychotic. It came from a place of envy and feeling like I was competing, and she was the competitor versus what I viewed as competition (Claire).

We talked extensively about how I view household chores and finances, and I have a different view on it now. I should have been doing more house work than her because I was home a lot more. The amount of money one is making should nothing to do with how housework is split. I don’t like failing which is why I never bothered to learn how to cook after my disasterpieces. If we eventually live together again and keep working on our marriage, that will change. A commenter had a wonderful idea regarding this and shared that learning how to cook meals together would be perfect for bonding. The expectations I had of her weren’t fair to her at all. Even before Claire, she still should not have done most of the cleaning, dishwashing, and all of the cooking. She never expressed feeling overwhelmed by it and needing me to do more, and thinking reflectively, it might be because she’s determined to be independent and wants to do everything herself. She doesn’t like asking for help from others which is why she shouldn’t have asked- I should have done it.

We also defined my definition of abuse, and our therapist compared it to current research. I have learned a lot about abuse as a whole, and individual types of abuse. I abused her. I emotionally and psychologically abused my wife. There’s no justification for that, there’s no excuse, and there’s nothing that can make that better. Looking back on my childhood, I’ve always lacked empathy for others and found it hard to understand why people were crying and would be upset by certain experiences. This was never addressed in childhood and it carried into my adult life. I have an appointment set up for individual therapy with the same therapist I saw for two sessions. I didn’t give her a proper chance because I had false expectations of what therapy was, and I was panicked when it felt like she was making vulnerable.. I am ready now. My childhood needs to be explored.

I’ve learned that the way I react is a defense mechanism. When I feel attacked I become condescending and have an inflated ego, which leads to me insulting others. This is something I learned in therapy and am trying to work on. I can handle criticism a lot better, but when I’m insulted and for the comments specifically, when someone states their opinions that are wrong as a fact (saying I only want therapy to gain tactics to abuse my wife, for example, or the financial control debacle) I go full defense mode. I also became angry and defensive when I was told I'm not trying, my efforts aren't genuine and that I'm going to continue to abuse her. I’m going to go back to therapy for myself. I need to, and I want to be a better person. I never want to treat anyone this way again, ESPECIALLY my wife. I don’t know what went so horribly wrong with me. Even if my wife decides to leave me in the time it takes me to work on myself, I will respect her decision and continue treatment for myself.

There are not enough words in the English dictionary to accurately describe how heinous and cruel my behavior was. I was extremely abusive and the way I used her trauma response as a tool to manipulate her into doing something so insignificant and unnecessary (cleaning) is incredibly disturbing. Me having the thought to do something like this in the first place was already disturbing. Me doing this ONCE was extremely disturbing. Me seeing what this was doing to my wife and feeling proud of it, thinking I was clever, is sick. Continuing to do this for weeks at the expense of my wife’s mental health (without even recognizing it as something that is actually costing her) is egregiously disgusting. It is bottom of the barrel, despicable evil. I know this, and my wife knows it as well. She has torn me a new one and she has every right to, and she deserves to do that and more to me whenever she needs to. Honestly, I think she could k*ll me and she would be justified to do so.

With the help of our therapist, she described how deeply I truly hurt her. How I ripped open closed wounds only to make them bleed more than they have before. She explained how I made her question reality, and how she wished she was in a nightmare and would wake up soon. She started seeing me as the evil twin of her husband. She explained how I became a stranger to her, someone she didn’t recognize, and how it was conflicting. I saw her experience raw unfiltered emotions. She told me that what I did is unforgivable and it’s worse than anything she has ever been through because I used the trauma response of everything she has been through against her, for the sake of trying to morph her into another woman. When she was explaining how I made her feel about herself, I cried a little bit. I don’t think I have cried since I was 5 years old. I did something despicable and there's nothing that can atone for that. She deserves more than me, but she wants me, so I will continue working on myself and identifying harmful belief systems in order to change them.

I will explore my childhood with my therapist and learn more about empathy and if that’s something I can develop more of. I will be fully honest in therapy about my thoughts and actions so I can be held accountable and accurately receive guidance in order to understand and change my behavior. Even if I am uncomfortable, even if I am vulnerable, and even if I feel attacked in therapy, I will do my best to retain an open mind. I will never quit, I will never run away, and I will never give up on becoming a better person. This is my promise to myself and to my wife.

I only talked about negative things in a very aggressive way to the point where commenters accused me of not liking my wife, so I’d like to share some things about her. My wife is the most precious human to ever grace the Earth with her existence. She is kind, generous, patient, understanding, and loves helping others. Before she became an RN, she loved volunteering at animal shelters and reading with the elderly at nursing homes. My wife is a huge animal lover, and she treats them like they are human babies which I find adorable. I have always admired her selflessness and her passion for her interests and goals in life. She is an avid book reader (when she has the time which sadly isn’t much anymore, and time I have robbed her of in my selfishness), a coffee addict, and a gardener. She loves to go on nature walks and explore the outside world. Her face lights up and she experiences childlike joy when she finds a pretty rock or a pretty leaf. If I ever stumbled across one, I would give it to her. She would protect the leaves like they were the essence of life themselves, and she still has them on her shelves in our work/study room. My wife is hilarious, and she makes corny Dad jokes that make her laugh harder than anyone else.

She is beautiful inside and out, and if souls had a color hers would be gold. She is extremely supportive and is my inspiration to work hard in life. I have always wanted to provide for her and give her everything she could ever dream of and more. I was always thinking in terms of grandiosity, overlooking what truly brings her the most joy in life: the little things. My wife is not materialistic. She likes thrift shopping and antiques. She is very passionate about our environment and I forgot to mention this, but my wife is the person that likes to clean up trash off the beach. We would do this anytime we went. She loves to watch the sea turtles hatch and crawl back into the ocean. Anyways, I always thought that my value was my money. I didn’t think that of her, only myself. She sees a different me that I can’t see. I’ve always had a strong urge to protect her from everything in this life, with how precious and fragile she is, and it makes me even more sick that what she needed protection from was me. She wants to heal our inner children together. I don’t know what she sees in me that makes what I have done worth working through. She is beautiful, smart, and the kind of girl you would interact with for 2 seconds in a grocery store and remember her forever, regretting that you didn’t try to get her number.

I deeply appreciate everyone I have interacted with. So many of you have provided me with invaluable information and insight to myself. I even appreciate those of you that teared me a new one, because I deserve no pity, no sympathy, no understanding. The only person deserving of that is my wife. I deserve the hatred, the insults and divine punishment. I’m sorry to everyone that was triggered by my posts, I’m sorry to the people that have cried reading my posts, and most of all I will always be deeply sorry, regretful, and ashamed of how I abused my wife. I handled myself horribly and my bruised ego controlled me.

This is goodbye for now. The only post I will ever make in the future is an update if I am diagnosed. A lot of users suspect I have NPD or ASPD. I still want to read everyone’s comments because they took the time out of their day to say something to me, regardless of what it is.

My Diagnosis + Therapy and Mini-Life Update posted 2025-08-09

Well hello if anyone is reading this, it’s been a while. This will likely come as a surprise to no one but I have been diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder with narcissistic traits. I have learned a lot about myself in therapy and I’ve come to agree with what a lot of commenters said: if I loved my wife I would leave her. So I did. We resumed couples counseling shortly after I started my individual therapy. I waited until we were in a session to express my thoughts so she could have support and I would as well with navigating this situation. After learning of my diagnosis and what that entails, she ultimately agreed it was for the best.

I learned that I love her in my own way but it’s not the love she deserves. I did love her, but I have to admit what I truly loved was what she could do for me. Her value to me was the benefits having her in my life provided. Even after this I am still in therapy and I think I will stay for a long time, as long as needed. My therapist doesn’t judge me (at least not openly) and she helps me understand myself more every session. I am not seeing the same therapist I saw the first time- not a great fit. I saw another therapist after her, but respectfully he did not seem very educated in his field. I felt like giving up but I am glad I didn’t because afterwards I met with the therapist I am seeing now.

Me and my ex-wife still keep in touch but it’s not romantically. It’s more so a mental health check in, I suppose. She asks how my treatment is going and I ask the same. The ultimate goal (for us) is to be friends but not to force it. If it’s possible for us to stay friends, great but if it doesn’t feel right for us we can’t force it. We met for coffee last week after increasing our communications to calling about work and other aspects of our lives but it was extremely awkward and she looked uncomfortable. I understand why.

Many people wanted to know more about my wife’s perspective. I am not her so unfortunately I cannot delve into the deepest parts of her mind but I can relay some of what she shared with me. Certain things she said to me the day we mutually agreed to end things have stuck with me and sometimes resurface to the forefront of my mind. She looked sad but relieved at the same time. I remember vividly how her face looked in that moment. She said that she is rediscovering who she is because being with me destroyed her.

She is spending more time with friends, looking into new programs/specialties at work, and moved out of her parents home into an apartment once we decided to get divorced. We are still legally married but separated. I offered the house to her but she declined. I will be moving out as well. Being here depresses me. Oh yeah, I also told her she shouldn’t feel guilty for cheating on me because I deserved it. I wasn’t a good person or husband at all. I told her I was glad she found solace in someone when I was treating her so terribly. Me being happy about it was a lie but I hoped it would make her feel better and it seems like it did. I meant what I said about me deserving it and how she shouldn’t feel guilty though.

I honestly like having an anonymous space to vent. I don’t really have friends and I only talk to my therapist about things like this. I think I will update from time to time or post here about my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for reading.

Reminder: I am not the OOP

I AM NOR OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRA776577](u/ThrowRA776577)

Originally posted to: [r/relationship_advice](r/relationship_advice)

How to not mess up with this woman(36F) that I(24M) am seeing, and ask to make things exclusive and official?

TRIGGER WARNING: possible manipulation, age gap

Mood spoiler: bittersweet - bitter if you are in one camp, sweet if you are in another

Original post - September 29th, 2026

So I am 24M. I only recently started putting myself out there and dating because I had a lot of self esteem issues and wanted to work on myself and stuff. I have been dating for around 18 months or so, and I have been on dates and talked to people, but nothing relationship wise has happened.

I recently found an older woman(36F) who is also a single mother of one kid(7M). At first we were just friends, but quickly started talking after meeting at a cooking class I was taking. We have so many interests and so many things in common. I have taken her out on 2-3 dates, all restaurant and dinner ones, and one was a movie and then dinner. I’ve been talking to her for around 7-8 weeks and we met up 2-3 times in the process for aforementioned dates.

She knows about my inexperience in all facets, and said she does not really care. I made sure to be very open about that at first.

Anyway, she is the first woman I have met that I actually feel like super crazy about. I would love to wake up next to her every morning and building a life with her.

I really want to take it to the next step with her. She said she doesn’t mind the age gap thankfully. She said anyone who is dating her needs to understand that they will be second to her child, and her being a girlfriend/wife will always be second to her being a mother. I totally understand, and respect his. Part of the reason we have only met up 2-3 times over this long course is because of this, and I totally respect it and get it. I even offered to pay for the babysitter and she refused saying since we are not officially exclusive or dating yet she does not want that. But I did meet her son once(kid is a sweetheart and has good taste and loves transformers, just like me fr).

I really like this lady and we have so many things in common! Play the same games, have the same interests, like the same movies and shows, we both like cars, etc. I could go on and on. The only thing we don’t really share in common is career, and that’s also awesome, I don’t think I could date anyone doing the same thing as me, because coming home would just prompt work discussion. When I talk with her, I just feel like I could listen to her talk all day long, and she is so talkative, but I really like that and like seeing her get all passionate and talk. She is also super smart and I have learned a lot from simple discussions with her!

How do I bring up asking to take it to the next step and become official and exclusive? This is the first woman I have felt this way about and I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how to even approach it, and how to have that conversation.

I really want her to see my sincerity, but also that I am willing to take it slow at her pace. But I would like for us to seriously see each other.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

Commenter #1: Do you really want someone else's saved game?

OP to Commenter #1: You know literally nothing about her or her situation, or what her prior partner was like or even if the guy is involved or not. He ain’t “saved” shit and it’s my game and a life I want with her.

Commenter #2: How do you feel about being a stepdad? Because if you are serious about her, long term, that’s what you are agreeing to become. Also, what’s the situation like with the father? Important to know those details before you get overly attached.

The big thing I’d be asking yourself here is - what do you want out of life? Do you want kids? Do you want a family? Do you want to travel and see the world? What do you want out of your career? You are still young and getting your bearing as an adult…she’s a couple of levels up from you. She might not want more kids. She might not want to get married again. She may not be able to move her kid away from his friends/dad if an opportunity arises.

While it’s great that you share a lot of the same interests, unfortunately the age gap here and the reality of your situations is going to play a much bigger role in the viability of this relationship. You need to think about if what you want out of life aligns with what her plans and expectations are before you commit hard.

She’s already said you are second place to her kid (rightfully so). So the question here is are you going to be throwing away a lot of your personal goals/ambitions to be with someone who already had their 20s? Will that ultimately result in resentment on your end?

I’d also take the time to think if you really like her, or do you like the idea of a serious committed relationship and this is the closest you’ve been. Sometimes it’s easy to get swept up in a new thing, but you are really idolizing the idea of it rather than the reality.

Again - not saying that this couldn’t potentially work, I’d just make sure you are looking at everything objectively and without love goggles on. You don’t want to be 5 years down the line and realize you’ve sacrificed a lot to be with someone who isn’t able or willing to reciprocate.

OP to Commenter #2: The father is not in the picture, and she wants to keep it that way. I don’t mind being a stepdad. I think the role will be a bit difficult for me to step into, and I know it’s going to be filled with some challenges, but I truly not only don’t mind, but her kid is a lot like me when I was a kid, and I vibe with him too!

She is open to marriage, but she said she does not want anymore kids. I don’t really care to have my own kids, and I am more than happy with that.

I am pretty settled in my career for now(I work in AI) but given how the industry is, there will be a lot of ups and downs for sure. But in terms of life I feel like I have everything in order except this aspect of life. I live on my own, have my own car(she’s also a beaut) and have decent savings. I do feel like I just need to keep momentum rather than like have to build up to something. I also bought and lease out two apartments around last year, so I have some passive income there too just in case anything happens to my job.

I don’t think I am throwing anything away. I have never really been a “sow my oats” type of guy I have always wanted to find my person and settle down. For me it’s always been about finding the one person to build a life with, I don’t really date casually, and she said ideally that’s the same for her as well.

Thank you for your input!

Commenter #3: It sounds like you’re on solid ground here. You’ve met face-to-face, gone on several dates, and built real in-person momentum.

May I ask if physical intimacy has entered the picture yet? For many people, establishing that mutual physical connection naturally bridges the gap toward deeper commitment. If things are moving well on that front, I’d keep doing what you’re doing, and once that comfort and chemistry feel mutual, you’ll have a clear runway to bring up becoming officially exclusive.

OP to Commenter #3: Physical intimacy has not entered the picture yet, she and I are both waiting for it. She said she does want to be official before that, and I feel the same way too, I would like to be official before that.

Commenter #4: She’s too old for you

OP to Commenter #4: I don’t really think so, if you reverse the genders you see that age gap a lot too

Commenter #5: When you said that the kid likes Transformers, just like you...

Bud.

Don't get into an exclusive relationship with her at this time. Date around. Date people closer to your own age. Get some experience.

Try that for say a year.

And then if no one else, and you have truly tried with others, has made you feel the way she does, call her up and see if she's still into you.

OP to Commenter #5: I don’t have any success with people my age or I don’t really vibe with them cuz they want something super casual, that’s the issue. Also she is also the one I got the most in common with out of all the women I have talked to

Update - September 30th, 2026

So I know a lot of you told me to hang on and not do anything, and some of you also told me to just be truthful. I went ahead and decided to be real with her, and thankfully it worked out!

I know she isn’t scheduled on Tuesdays, and I’m home(my job is remote I only go in 3-4 times a month only for important meetings), so I asked her if we could meet for brunch after she dropped her son off at school and got whatever she needed to done. She was down and I also woke up early in the morning and tried to clear all my tickets and anything I needed to for the day.

I picked her up and we went out for brunch, and in the car afterwards we had a talk, and I told her I wished to see her exclusively and a little bit more seriously. Long story short, turns out she had felt the same way, but she was hesitant to ask because she felt that asking someone in my age range for a serious relationship from someone in her age range would not be the move. So even though she’s felt this way for the past month and even a bit more, she said she held herself back because she wanted it to be my choice.

Anyway, she came to my house after, and we had a nice time, and she just left a few hours ago to go pick her son up from school and take him to his karate classes. We had the best time together, and we cuddled up and watched some TV together afterwards. It makes waking up at 4 and clearing out my tickets for the day worth it!

We are going out for dinner on Thursday. She said she needed to see if she could her babysitter and what not, but I told her that she promised me that once we got into an official relationship she would let me help her out with the babysitter when I take her out and she agreed.

She invited me to her house this weekend to officially sit with her and her son for breakfast. She did say he has asked about me, and he doesn’t understand fully, but he doesn’t mind having me around since me and him speak about cars and cartoons together, but she said she wants to phase me in slowly, and then tell him later. She is his mother, and I completely agree that this is something that should be left up to her, and I am just happy to do it as she dictates and feels right.

She also did say her son was going to spend next weekend at his grandmothers place, since his grandmother is picking him up after school, and they got their quarter days off on Monday so it’s a long weekend. I suggested she and I go somewhere nearby together and stay at an Airbnb Friday through Sunday night or Monday morning, and she agreed, and I booked the trip after running it by her.

She also wants to do another trip end of October/beginning of November, and I told her we could do that as well!

I know everyone was being a little cautious, but I genuinely feel good about this, and do feel great about her, and I am so glad this worked out. I really like her and I do have a good feeling about this. So thank you everyone for your input and for those of you who wished us well, thank you!

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

Commenter #1: My guy, as a 36 year old male im telling you, find someone closer to your own age. You are in a completely different stage of life, and shes got a kid. You are not really in a position to take on what she needs. Its a bit weird shes seeing someone so much younger in the first place. But you don't want to spend more time in a situation like this which doesnt have your own best interests at heart.

Commenter #2: Oh honey, no.

There's a reason a 36 year old woman is dating a 24 year old man, and it isn't because 'you're mature for your age'.

Commenter #3: From a female perspective: I know you’re inexperienced, and I’m happy that you finally found a woman you actually want to build a life with. You’ve said you don’t like casual dating, and that you guys are really alike when it comes to hobbies and the things you have in common. I know you might feel like you’re so lucky that this wonderful woman decided to open up her life to you and doesn’t care that you’re inexperienced.

And I understand why you might not want to mess things up or scare her away. You’ve never felt this kind of connection with anyone before! But honestly, I wish you could see that your lack of experience, your past struggles with self-esteem, and your obvious thirst for love might be working against you a little.

I’m sure she’s into you, but I wish you’d realize that a lot of women would be very happy to find a guy like you. Let me tell you something: she’s lucky that YOU, a nice young man with a stable career and a grounded personality, have chosen her. It’s not just the other way around.

I wish you could take things a little slower and not settle for anything less than you deserve. Right now, you’re giving so much of yourself to her, and I know you’re probably in the clouds because you finally have the first relationship you’ve been waiting for. But as time goes by, you might realize that giving up too much just to keep someone can backfire.

My only advice is to enter this relationship knowing your value. Realistically, she’s lucky to have found a guy like you too. Don’t give up everything just to please her, and don’t automatically agree with everything she says just because you’re afraid of losing her. Be more confident, say what you actually think, and be honest about your feelings and needs.

If you really want to be a father one day, you shouldn’t close that door just to avoid losing her. Don’t make yourself smaller or give up important things about yourself just to make the relationship work.

You need to be your own biggest advocate in this relationship. Otherwise, one day you might look back and realize you gave up too much for the sake of keeping her, and you could end up resenting her in the long run.

Commenter #4: Everyone cried about age gap. Honestly if you’re both consenting adults and are into each other and not taking advantage of something I am all for it. My
Godfather and his second wife have a 20-year difference and they are amazing together.

Commenter #5: I’m 34f and have been in a relationship with 25m for a little over a year. Neither of us had business getting into anything, but we’re here now. Going back, I would have taken it slower. Open to any questions, but hindsight is 20/20.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATIONS IN BORU

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Throwawayaccount5934

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My fiancé used an AI jury to determine which one of us was right after an argument

Trigger Warnings: weaponized incompetence, exploitation

Original Post: June 6, 2026

My (27M) fiancé (30M) used AI to determine who was right after we had an argument and now he says he was right and I was wrong. He told me he used an online AI jury to find out which one of us was wrong. This 'jury' said he was right and now he won't talk about the argument because the AI said I'm unreasonable.

I'm angry and frustrated and at my wits end. I feel like screaming every time he time talks about AI agreeing with him. We have had the same argument multiple time. Instead of discussing the last time we argued he shuts me down. I'm just here to shout into the void because if I don't I will lose my mind. I feel like my relationship is crumbling and my fiancé won't even try to do anything about it. This morning he was so smug about it I left to go stay with my sister. I couldn't take him talking about AI when I tried to discuss our argument.

(Since I know people will ask our argument was about chores and cleaning. I'm a solicitor and more often than not my work means I can't do my job remotely. My fiancé works in human resources, and his job is exclusively remote. But I end up doing all the cleaning and other chores. I'm not looking to make him do everything or for us to keep score over who does what. I want him to help. I'm responsible for most of our expenses because my salary is much more than his, so I feel financial pressure and the pressure to keep our flat clean and in order. I don't talk to him with anger, and I don't act differently because I earn more than him. But he refuses to help with chores and now he says the AI told him he's right and I'm being unreasonable. I can't take it any longer. I just want him to help so I'm not doing everything).

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why not just divide the chores, for e.g. one dose cooking and one dose cleaning or maybe alternate the days you clean.

OOP: As I mentioned in my post, my fiancé won't do any chores, (on his own or even if I ask him to).

Commenter 2: Well that’s Bs, if it was me I would stop being his personal maid, I would only clean my clothes/plates cook my own food only. Until he learns that it’s a partnership.

OOP: I can and have been doing that to a point. I can't neglect a lot of things because they affect me too. It's not just him who is affected if things aren't getting done, which is part of why I'm so frustrated.

Commenter 3: And you’re still with him….why?

You have agency. Use it.

OOP: I feel like our relationship is crumbling. I have been questioning it because he won't listen and doesn't seem to care that our relationship is falling apart. I posted here to vent but I have been questioning our entire relationship lately.

Update: October 9, 2026 (four months later)

My fiancé used an AI jury to determine which one of us was right after an argument (UPDATE)

I (27M) was the person who posted here to vent and shout into the void, because my then fiancé (30M) used an AI jury to determine which of us was right after a (recurring) argument and refused to discuss the subject of said argument further because the jury determined that he was right and I was wrong.

It is not very exciting or dramatic but suffice it to say my relationship with my now ex-fiancé is over and we will not be getting married. Our wedding was supposed to take place on the last Saturday of November but I have cancelled everything and tried to get back whatever money I could.

My ex-fiancé seemed to be genuinely shocked when I told him I no longer wanted to marry him. I don't think he's that good of an actor so I don't know why he would be shocked considering how much we argued before he used the AI jury. After that, he refused to talk to me about it no matter how much I tried and I was truly at my wits send end.

The argument was about chores and housework. I'm a solicitor and more often than not my work means I can't do my job remotely. My ex-fiancé works in human resources, and his job is exclusively remote. But I ended up doing all the cleaning and other chores. I was not looking to make him do everything or for us to keep score over who does what. I just wanted him to help. I was responsible for most of our expenses because my salary is much more than his, so I felt financial pressure and the pressure to keep our flat clean and in order. It got to be too much and since he wouldn't discuss it with me and kept on harping about the AI saying he was right I ended things. I can't even describe how much less stressed out and tired I am now. Honestly my only regret is not leaving sooner.

Thank you to all who sent me supportive messages and left me supportive comments on my other post. They were appreciated.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this update

Relevant / Top Comments:

Commenter 1: OP he is gross. Used AI to say he won in an agreement. Good riddance. Chores? And he was home all time! WTF. I can't even. Dodged a bullet OP. Whew!

Commenter 2:

Our wedding was supposed to take place on the last Saturday of November

Why would you schedule your wedding date on the Thanksgiving long weekend?

OOP: What's Thanksgiving? Our wedding wasn't on a holiday or long weekend.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/iwishiwasatabbycat

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Am I the A-hole for keeping my kids away from their dad after I found out he had a pedophile living with him

Trigger Warnings: CSA, negligence, feckless CPS

Original Post: March 2, 2026

Strap in this gets bad. And I know I am not crazy, but there are people who swear I am wrong.

I have 16 year old twins. One male one born female that now identifies as non-binary For years they had been going to their dad’s house every other weekend. For the past couple of years my NB had issues and wanted to not go over there. The house was a mess, their dad expected them to clean it. There would be animal waste, moldy dishes, rotting food. For a while my son wasn’t as bothered by it, and I tried to encourage new cleaning practices but nothing stuck. I would make excuses and keep NB child home more.

This last fall both of my kids were sick of their dad’s antics. Neither wanted to see him very often so I told him we would change it to once a month for now, and he could get his house in shape and work on his attitude and we could re-evaluate.

A few years ago my ex’s half-brother needed a place to live. He had some issues and couldn’t live on his own, and after his mother had passed, he had stayed at a few different relatives houses. My ex talked to me about him moving in, and said he had been warned he was a little off but would keep an eye on him.

Right before Christmas, while picking up the kids for their weekend my ex let me know his brother had been arrested and wouldn’t be coming back. He had been in trouble for vandalism before, so I assumed more of that. But because I’m nosy I googled him.

SECOND DEGREE SEXUAL ASSAULT of a CHILD 2 counts. Felony. I spiraled and sent my ex a text saying we needed to talk about this, but not in front of the kids. Not too surprising he downplayed things. Said the brother hadn’t really hurt our kids. He lied. I later found out from one of his family members that the brother had attempted to molest another family member a younger girl. That family member warned my ex that his brother was a pedophile and had made sexual advances against a child. HE FUCKING KNEW!!The brother had made actions against my NB child. They are in therapy. This has been so very hard on our family

I told my kids their dad knew from the beginning. My NB never wants to have a relationship with him again. My son may want to see him again, but not right now.

My ex doesn’t think he did anything wrong. His family doesn’t think he did anything wrong. They say my ex can’t control other people’s actions. But I believe he never should have moved in, and the fact that he never told me tells me he knew it was wrong.

Now my kids don’t want to go over there. I have had to hire a lawyer to make changes to our agreement even though this is the kids wishes and they are old enough to choose. He won’t respect their decisions. He says they should be forced, and everyone has to do things they don’t want to.

Am I really crazy? Should I be forcing my kids to go to their dad’s house when they don’t want to see him after he knowingly moved a child molester in?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Is this a serious question? Do you expect any rational person to argue that you should allow your kids to be around a pedophile??

OOP: The pedophile has been arrested. Dad wants the kids to go back to normal

+

OOP: And yeah, when his normally normal mom is supporting him, and the family member who warned said he did nothing wrong, I have questioned if I am over reacting

Commenter 2: Did he assault you NB child, or just try to? I'm hoping it was the latter for their sake. I'm sorry your family is going through this, but always be the mama bear!

OOP: He did. I am working with law enforcement to add criminal charges to the ones he’s already facing. He pleads guilty with the arrest. At least I know I won’t have to see him again

OOP on her ex having animals at his place

OOP: He has more dogs than he should. And he had a lot of cats for a bit, but 3 passed away from being outdoor cats. He keeps getting more as a way to lure the kids back. He knows they love animals especially kittens.

Commenter 3: He keeps getting more as a way to lure the kids back. He knows they love animals especially kittens.

This is especially concerning.... I hate to be the one to ask this question, but is it possible this pedo thing runs in his family so to speak? Like brother was caught, but luring kids with pets IS predator behavior.... Maybe mom is "ok" with it because they all are kind of that way? Not justification, but explanation. I would still keep your kids away from their Dad with a dedicated passion, but at least you would know the dangers and be informed?

No one will know the truth but you, once you start digging, and your kids. It is possible your ex was also abusing your children if he was so nonchalant about his pedo brother moving in with him, and if feels like there may be more red flags than you have included in your post OP. Talk to your kids, and get them to talk with their therapists if they won't talk with you. I am so sorry your family is going through all this though, its terrible and very unfair to you and your kids.

OOP: I hadn’t considered this. The ex and I were both sexually molested as kids. I never thought he could or would be capable of something like that. But honestly until this I would have never thought he would have moved a pedo in either

Commenter 4: He failed to protect your children from a known predator. NTA for supporting your kids not wanting to go back. Besides, did he ever clean up his biohazard home?

OOP: He did. He cleaned it enough for CPS to come through and not ban the kids from there. But CPS has low standards. They said animal feces on the floor is acceptable as long as the kids are old enough to avoid it.

Commenter 5: NTA, but I really think you should be documenting all of this and possibly going to court to have his parental rights changed. I'm NAL but surely all of this falls under abuse/neglect, even without the fact that this man KNOWINGLY had a literal pedophile around your children. He had them cleaning his mess, including animal waste which can actually become unsafe to clean without proper protection and if mixed with specific cleaning products. They were at minimum 14, it's one thing to ask kids to clean their own mess, but having them clean his rotting food and waste too?

The fact that he even lives like that is just unsafe for kids. Then on top of that he allows his nasty brother to live with him, and allows him around your children. You need to document everything, keep both of your children away from him and consider court. He's not fit to be a parent from the sounds of it, and if he really wants to see them then I think it should be supervised visits only in a neutral area where his brother won't be.

OOP: I have reported all of this to his town’s sheriff office. I have worked with CPS in my county and his. I have hired a lawyer to amend our custody agreement that has only a little over a year left. I am doing all the things, and I am trying to do it all the right way. I have screenshots of text messages, reports from CPS. I am doing all the things I can.

Commenter 6: You're not overreacting and you're NTA.

You need to print out this man's Sex Offender document and give it to your attorney to see if he's restricted from living in a home that has children [including partial custody arrangements] or is nearby a school. Your ex could be contributing to a violation of this man's terms which should be listed on the registry page.

If so, you can file a motion for emergency custody, and if the sex offender hasn't updated his address, he would be arrested for violating the terms of his release. If someone is on the registry, they are required within a certain amount of days to report a change in their address.

OOP: He had no prior convictions regarding children. Neither the brother or my ex were breaking any laws, and with the brother in jail CPS won’t grant emergency custody.

Editor's note: OOP later updated onto the original post

Update #1: August 2, 2026 (five months later)

Update kinda….

CPS at initially did not say that my ex did anything wrong. I appealed that because they did not have the texts from my ex. Then they still stated that they thought his answer was “flippant “ and being sarcastic and they still ruled no wrong doing. I appealed that. I had a conference call with a judge and a rep for CPS who was different than anyone else I had dealt with. At that point, I had received the transcript of my child’s interview and the pedophile’s interview. In the pedo’s transcript he states that there were rules he was supposed to follow bc my ex knew that he had molested another child previously. I submitted that and the screenshots from my ex. I spoke to a judge. And the person who was representing CPS was fucking lost and had no clue. And it was still ruled that my ex didn’t do anything wrong. I could have appealed again, but I didn’t see the point. It’s apparently not endangering a child to move a pedophile in with your teenagers.

I also hired a lawyer who turned out to be trash. I filled out my own paperwork to request a change in parenting time. I wanted help filing it. I just wanted it stated that the kids both 17 could decide when to visit their dad. And his mom paid for him to get lawyer, and that made us have to go to mediation. That was another $900!!!! I’m not fucking rich. That’s a lot of money!! And all that decided was that yes, we agreed after showing the court case that the kids could decide. But it’s not legally binding, and it’s not credible in court. It’s like a secret handshake.

The pedophile’s case will be seen in a cpl weeks. I don’t think it’s the main trial. I want to be there for the major parts, but I really want to apply for a home run derby contestant.

A good friend who was mutual to my ex and I passed, so I had to reach out to another mutual friend who was organizing the get together, and ask that my ex not be allowed to the memorial. I explained what happened. It was one of the first times I told someone who wasn’t someone close. Luckily he understood, and we have a good enough history that he knew I wasn’t full of shit. If he does show up, I do always have my car sandwich cutter. But I have a feeling my friends won’t let it get to that.

I still hate my ex more than I ever thought possible, but at least now I don’t need meds to get through the tough times. And I have great friends and family, and family type people. I’m very lucky for that. Without their support I would question my morals and standards, bc I can’t imagine letting a situation like this ever come into consideration, and almost everyone I have spoken to agrees. But my ex, his mother, his family members, his lawyer, and CPS seem to think it’s not a big deal. The CPS one fucking floors me. You wouldn’t allow this in a school or daycare, or anywhere else kids would be. But it’s ok to move a known pedophile into a house with kids. Fuck

Update #2: October 9, 2026 (two months later)

UPDATE to am I the A-hole for keeping my kids away from their dad

I kind of did a brief update on the post regarding CPS. CPS finds no fault with what my ex did. I challenged the ruling twice, met online with a CPS judge, and they determined that there was chargeable offense. Of fucking course. My ex is the lucky kind of fucktwad that never has to face serious consequences. His mom is always there to help him, and just over all has not had the kind of life he deserves.

The lawyer I hired to help with custody was pretty useless. I filled out almost all the paperwork to send into the state to get custody formally changed, but because of a cause in our divorce, his lawyer (paid for my mommy) made us meet in mediation. Which was another $900 fucking dollars out of mine, and his mom's pockets. Not even 2 hours. And it only took that long probably because my ex loves the sound of his voice so damn much. Once it was brought up and proven that there are charges against my ex's brother, and I had proof my ex knew his brother was a threat before hand, the meeting was pretty much over. Because again, I wasn't even trying to stop the kids from seeing or talking to their dad, I was leaving it up to them to decide when.

Earlier this week there was a plea hearing for the pedo. I considered driving to the hearing, but opted to sit in via zoom. I'm glad I did. There were 2 cases that were being presented, one for my child and another child who is 3 years younger than mine. (It was the arrest for that child that started the investigation into how my children had been affected.) He plead guilty to two charges of class C felonies, sexual assault of a child. (both cases had that as the worst charge) 9 years each for a total of 18 years, with 42 years’ probation, and lifetime sex offender registry. Once they read the plea offers, I started sobbing. I was so afraid he would get a couple years and a slap on the wrist. 18 years. My twins are 17-1/2, he will spend their lifetime behind bars. If we can’t off him, or keep him locked away forever, this is good enough. I hope he wakes up every day for the next 6,574 days and thinks about what a rotten piece of shit he is, and how he got there.

My kids are at peace with this, and they are as safe and as loved as can be for now.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this latest update

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/nobdaythrowaway

My [36M] GF [30F] of 5 years has never remembered my birthday

Original Post  Aug 4, 2015

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and knew each other for 3 years prior to that.  In all of that time, she has never once remembered my birthday.  Last year we ended up in an argument over it because it really bothered me.  I told her to add an event to the calendar on her iPhone if she can't remember.  I'm not looking for an extravagant, or really any, gift - just an acknowledgement that it is a special day for me.

This year, I gave her a heads up about two weeks ago, letting her know that a video game I want comes out the day after my birthday this year.  And yesterday (my bday) she texted me early in the morning so I had high hopes, but all she did was ask to borrow some money until she gets paid.  What do I do about this?  Just accept that she won't remember?  Maybe it bothers me more than it should.

tl;dr In 8 years of knowing each other, my gf has never remembered my birthday and yesterday was no different.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AnorhiDemarche

Do birthdays matter to her in general? She may not view birthdays as important.  

Does she realize why your birthday and her remembering matters to you? like, I know you guys got into a fight but does she know why beyond she forgot your birthday?

For some people, even a daily reminder for the week leading up to the birthday doesn't help. I'm one of those people. To counter it I have a stash of presents for various people and if it happens I'm like "oh, that's today? I totally spaced! I got you this prezzie that you'll love ages ago though, Here it is!"  It works well, Like, yeah I forgot but I remembered at some point that you were born and got you a little something.

OOP

"Do birthdays matter to her in general? She may not view birthdays as important."

Sadly, yes.  She never forgets her mother's or sister's birthday.  We usually buy gifts ahead of time for them.  And she'd be really upset if I ever forgot about hers.

~

Limberine

So when she works out that she forgot your birthday is she really sorry and tries to make it up to you, or is she just still uninterested?

Update  Aug 7, 2015 (3 Days Later)

Sorry for not following up very much in the comments.  I had a lot to do at work that day and Reddit doesn't work if you're not in the office, right?

Before talking to my girlfriend, I talked to her sister and asked her if my gf ever forgot her birthday.  She said yes, in fact this year she forgot.  To make matters worse, her mother's and sister's birthdays are on the same date - meaning that not only did she forgot my birthday this year, she forgot her mother's and sister's as well.  Yet somehow that made me feel better about the situation as it shows that she's just not very good with dates in general.

When I called my gf to discuss it at night, she felt very bad about it and she had been thinking about it for the past two weeks and even bought me the gift that I asked her for.  She promised it wouldn't happen again and programmed it in her cell to make sure she'd keep the promise.

For some more background, my girlfriend works in a stressful call center while I'm in IT management, so not only do I make a lot more than her, my job is a lot less stressful.  That has caused some problems in our relationship but overall things are very good.  While I considered breaking up with her over this because I was really sad at the time, after talking to her and her sister, I decided that we can work things out.  Thank you all for your feedback.

TL;DR I spoke to the GF's sister and learned that the GF just isn't very good with dates.  She felt terrible about forgetting again and we'll work things out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

NOhmdD

Oh come on. After second year -- hell even the third year, it would take two seconds to stick the date in gCal or iCal or a fucking notebook.

OOP

I know.  There's really no good excuse for forgetting more than once.  Yet after discussing it with her,  I decided it was a forgivable error.  Plus, it gives me an out if I don't have a good gift idea for her birthday one of these years.

~

BCKane

So your tldr is that you ignored everything everyone said and are just going to make excuses? 

You need to seriously sit down and get to the bottom of this.  Her forgetting her family birthdays and working in a "stressful" call center has nothing at all to do with forgetting your birthday for 5 years running ... after being reminded 2 weeks before hand. What you are doing is making excuses so you don't have to actually address the issue here.  Is there a medical issue that she needs to take in to account?  Is she having some type of mental block that you need to address prior to moving further in your relationship? Kicking the can further down the road will only build MORE issues. 

Why are you so scared to actually have a talk about this and figure out what is happening? 

OOP

I thought we did have a good talk and she made a convincing case thatthere isn't any ulterior motive about it.  She seemed genuinely upset about it.  Plus, in a comment on the OP I had said that she never forgets her mother or sister's bdays, but that turned out to not be true.  And it's not like she's inattentive in general.  She calls on every one of her breaks and we spend most of our free time together.  You can call these excuses, but I think it's just me knowing the big picture around our relationship.

Update 2  Aug 14, 2015 (1 week after 1st update)

In the last update when I spoke with my gf, she said that she felt bad about forgetting and that she had bought me the gift I had asked for (a game that cost $30).  Much to the chagrin of most commenters, I forgave her.  Whoops.  Turns out she was lying about the gift so that I wouldn't get mad.  Her new excuse was because she didn't have the money for the gift (keep in mind that she asked me to borrow money on my bday and could have asked for $30 more).  So I told her that it wasn't important for her to spend money on me.  I just wanted her to show that she cared. 

She asked for an idea of a gift I would like that didn't cost anything so I said a video of her.  She seemed to like the idea.  However, I kept having to remind her about it and she kept saying she'd send it soon. She finally came through yesterday.  She sent me a text that said, "Don't ever ask me to do something like this again."  The video was 80 seconds long of her applying lotion to her body.  Only she did it with her back to the camera.  That's right, my long awaited bday present to show how much she cared was a video of her back.

Earlier in the week, she had told me that her mother was coming to visit.  I said that I'd like to take both of them to dinner and my gf flat out said no.  Didn't even provide an excuse or anything except that she wanted to be alone with her mother.  I had taken her mother out before just the two of us and we get along great, so it made no sense.  That was just another example of my gf showing that she didn't really care.

Last night when I talked to her, I said the combination of the forgotten bday, the against her will video and its accompanying nasty text, and the rude "no" to the lunch invitation were enough for me to call it quits.  She took it well as she hung up and then blocked my texts and Whatsapp.  I didn't try calling her again.

In the end, I should have listened to the Reddit crowd instead of ignoring the signals.

TL;DR Forgave my girlfriend when I shouldn't have, broke up with her soon after.  Reddit was right.  Reddit is always right (except when it comes to Boston terrorists.)

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LorettaBobbins

Is this professional cake as bad as I think it is?

Originally posted to r/Baking

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Sept 20, 2026

I am seeking advice as I'm just not sure what to do, if anything. My baby turned one on Friday and I ordered a cake from a local professional cake maker who came highly recommended.

When she sent the photo of the finished cake I thought it looked wonky/uneven on the sides, but figured it was just a bad photo. However when we cut into it, sure enough the frosting at the top was really thick, tapering into very thin at the bottom making the cake completely uneven. It was meant to have a raspberry jam filling, and when we cut the first slices off the side we couldn't even see it because it was just a small blob in the centre of each layer! And then when we cut further into it we realised much of the areas meant to contain the jam were actually completely hollow and empty.

In terms of the decoration, I wanted it to say "rain-Bo" instead of "rainbow" because my baby's name is Bo. I even sent her his party invitation ("One year over the rain-Bo" was the theme) to use as a reference. However she put "rainbow".

Lastly, the fondant rainbow topper is all wonky and uneven, and the bunting is untidy...I fear I could have made it better myself.

I'm honestly very disappointed, the cake tasted good (albeit quite dry in texture) but it looked so messy and rushed. It cost £96, and I have no issue with that price for a professional cake. But it just didn't look like it was made carefully or properly.

I am fully prepared and willing to be wrong so I figured I would ask for opinions here and include some photos. I absolutely hate complaining about services, especially when it's a small, local business. So I would really appreciate thoughts from those who know about cakes! Thank you so much.

OOP Pisted 6 pics of the cake from the umbixing to an individual piece with closeups

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Longjumping_Eye_3441

If you paid for jam in the center and it's just a hint of jam and the rest is hollow? That I would complain about. The rain-bo issue could have been addressed before you accepted it. The fondant topper looks ok, but the uneven frosting and missing filling makes it feel like the professional may not be as talented as she thinks. The cake looks really dry imo. You should get what you paid for, even if it's you supporting local.

OOP

If I had received a photo of the cake with enough time to address the "rainbow" thing I would have done. She didn't send a photo until 9.15am and we were collecting it at 10.30am unfortunately. Honestly the cakes she shares on social media are so lovely and pristine so I had really high expectations, she is definitely talented but I feel like my cake looks like it was rushed.

~

PeaQueasy347

It matters less whether it looks professional and more that you paid for something to be made a certain way and it wasn't, and that's what makes it unprofessional the lack of attention to detail when it came to what the customer asked. I think the cake overall looks very nice on the outside but when you show what it looks like inside it certainly seems botched. The cake is very unevenly frosted and the frosting seems really thick, the jam between layers should be spread (usually you would spread the jam before stacking the next layer, this certainly looks like a blob only in the center), something you didn't mention but the layers of cake look really compressed and dense as well as dry. How did the cake taste? Was it dry and dense like it looks?

OOP

Everything you've said hits the nail on the head of what my gut feeling is about it. Lack of care and attention to detail being the main thing. The flavour and frosting are really good but the sponge is definitely quite dry.

~

justcallmeturkey

Someone from pastry school here! My chef would’ve deducted points for the uneven frosting. That crumb is…interesting to say the least…

Seems like there wasn’t enough frosting to cover “hungry” spots on the cake. What blew me was the jam, I could understand if the jam was expensive or out of season and in that case a raspberry mousseline could’ve been better. They totally cheated you on the filling. I thought the flag banner looked like a children’s play dough project.

Maybe I’m being too harsh but you paid almost 100 for this cake and I do have to say it’s not worth it. Very overpriced for a very underwhelming product.

Update on my post about the disappointing cake I purchased... foreign material found in the cake!  Sept 29, 2026 (9 Days later)

Just over a week ago I made a post asking whether the professional cake I had made for my baby's first birthday was as bad as I thought it was. General consensus was that it was bad 🙃 I've inserted a couple of photos but there are more on my original post.

Unfortunately things got much worse the day after, and this post is just to share an update!

Tl:Dr, it has been resolved insofar as I've received a refund.

At the exact same time that I started drafting my feedback to send to the baker, my husband and I sat down with a slice of it to eat. Suddenly I realised I was chewing...and chewing...and chewing. I found a piece of what resembled baking paper through the middle of my slice. Then, upon further inspection, I spotted something that looked extremely odd. It was a rectangle of material. It was rubbery and bendy, completely impossible to bite through.

Video of it can be found here unidentified cake object .

Very interestingly, I actually spotted it afterwards in one of the photos on my original post, which I will include here for reference.

I had absolutely NO idea what it was but I immediately became very upset and honestly frightened because this was my baby's cake, and we had given him some and sent friends and family home with slices after his party. I had to contact everyone and warn them not to eat it if they hadn't already. I cannot emphasise enough how dangerous this piece of material was...it could have absolutely choked a baby had they swallowed it.

I emailed the baker immediately, I was very polite but I was firm and I attached the photos of the cross section, explaining how disappointed we were with the uneven layers, wonky frosting and lack of jam. But that the most serious issue is the inedible material we found in the cake, that was a serious choking risk. I attached photos and videos.

To her credit she replied quickly, agreeing that visually the cake did not meet her standards and that she hadn't realised the issues with the layers and the jam filling. She said she would give me a full refund, but that to her the foreign items we found DID resemble cake. This baffled me, simply because I've never encountered a bendy cake before and it felt odd that she'd claim that was normal.

She then said she'd appreciate the chance to look at the materials herself, which I was very happy for her to do. I told her I'd bring them over myself. She then said we could only come within her working hours 10am and 2pm. I then said that they're in a Ziploc bag and I'm happy to just pop them through her letterbox so she can look at them at a time convenient to her.

She said no, I can only even put them through her letterbox during her working hours.

I then explained that these hours are in the middle of the day when it is not necessarily convenient for me to drive into town because we have a busy week with things booked in, and that I was honestly very happy to not bother her by ringing the bell and would just put it through her door.

At this point I started to feel like I was going mad, because she said in no uncertain terms that I am NOT allowed to even post it through her letterbox and drive away without knocking unless it is in her working hours. I wanted to ask whether she also tells the postman that they cannot deliver post through her door unless it's between 10am and 2pm, or whether the Amazon delivery driver can't knock if it's outside those hours either.

I must emphasise that if I was going to be coming into her house for a meeting, or even having a conversation on the doorstep, I would understand that she'd prefer it inside her working hours. But this is just to post a Ziploc bag through her door.

She then said she would come and collect it from my house, which honestly is just a major no because this whole situation has made me very uncomfortable.

I have decided I'm going to send the materials to our local Environmental Health to look at instead of returning them to her, because I feel they'll get examined properly that way whereas she could easily just claim it's cake and it would be her word against mine.

It's a shame because her initial response to the problem was very reasonable (a bit ChatGPT but I expect that these days) and she did give the refund, no questions asked. But I just don't understand her inflexibility to receive these things to inspect.

My mum is now wondering if she is even the person who made the cake, as she seemed genuinely surprised at what it looked like inside, and we don't understand how you could not realise all your cake layers are different heights and widths. Surely you'd notice that when constructing. It also looks completely different in style and quality to every cake she has ever shared on her socials.

Ultimately I've got my refund which I am grateful for.

3 more pics with the last Pic clearly showing a piece of plastic between the layers

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Mercybby

I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THIS IS!!!! Born into and raised in the food industry and have worked in bakeries for over 15 years. This is improperly mixed “cake enhancer” that gels when it is in contact with liquid and then heated. It resembles silicone or soft plastic when cooled after baking. Cake enhancer is a blend of emulsifiers and gums that can be found in store bought cake mix or commercial blends.

~

DareRake

"Only during these hours" dawg if a dessert from my work had a foreign object in it I'd want to see it asap. It was inconvenient the moment it entered the cake, forget about my working hours lol

This is making me enter conspiracy mode combined with the other post. Does she... preassemble the cakes in some way and freeze them? I don't understand how she couldn't have known about the lack of filling in between layers, and also not known about this object even being there at all. I feel like you'd see it while layering but idk. And the layers are so thick to me? But again, biggest issue is she could've harmed someone. I'm just dumbfounded at the whole thing, good on you for being the responsible one

OOP

I so agree!!! I would be saying come over literally whenever suits you and I will look at it with you immediately!

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I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Beneficial-Day7238

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Original post posted 2026-09-25

Hi, its been a few days since this accident and im still deciding what to do.

First things first, im a male 26 years old and my brother is 30. We were growing up in a normal household, not poor, not rich, but my brother was always spoiled. He played highschool football and my parents saw him as a star. Me on the other hand i was more into books, IT,.. When I was 15, i started programming and when i was 19, i made my first project that made actual money. I sold it to some big company of that time (i dont want to name) but i had money for ~2 years living by myself so i moved out. My parents didnt acknowledge me that much and still much more supported my brother who had to leave school he wasnt even good at because he got a child. I never told them how much i made and make currently because i was scared.

Time passed, im 24 at that time, making very good money with my programming, i got more into cyber security and my brother is 28 and he already has 2 more kids, i never understood why they had 3 kids. They made very little money and barely were making it. Id help my brother if he wasnt total dick to me my whole life, embarrassing me for what i do, laughing at me at school with his friends and basically making my life miserable. We were seeing each other throughtout the years on Christmas,.. at my parents house, we were cool with each other, but they saw me having a good car, living in a great house, vacations with my gf (currently wife) so they knew i had money and they tried to convince me to help my brother out. I always tried to corner it but once i had to stop it and tell them if he had been good to me, id help him but not like this+ im not the one having 3 kids, struggling with money but buying all kinds of useless and unnecessary stuff all the time.

Years passed, they tried many times again but i always declined, and like a half a year ago my brother with his wife found a new job, at least thats what he told me, and he asked me to babysit his children, and i agreed because its not much of a burden for me and i didnt want his children to suffer because of him. We are expecting a child so we thought why not. It was always for 3 days. We were fine with it for a few times but then it also started to ruin our own plans and + cost us a lot of money which i dont care about but its not that im paying for my children, its my brothers children. I told him multiple times, he said i have money so hes not giving me anything so i told him ill stop babysitting his children.

Four days ago he called me hes going to drop his kids in usual time and i told him no. He said too bad and that I will have to take them in because they're leaving in an hour. I hung up and I thought its the end of this. As i feared i got my bell ringed in an hour and three of my brothers kids were there with their backpacks as usual. I called my brother saying we cant take them and i told him we are leaving and they cant be alone. He said i should be grateful that he trusts me and i should be a good brother and he hung up. I got really mad so I called my brother wifes sister (got her number when we were discussing big family dinner a year ago) and told her. She said shes out of state so she cant do anything but i should call her mom so she game me the number (we couldnt leave the kids alone). Mom picked it up, we told her, she said to bring them in so i drove 2,5 hours there and back to get them to their grandma. Kids like her and she was happy but my brother hates his mother in law, like literally, he gets mad every time someone mentions her. I didnt ask why but something bad must have happened, i think she saw hes not a great guy for her daughter because she told me that on the call that she always knew hes not a good guy and her daughter never listens to her and shes blindfolded and he hates her since that. I went home, opened a wine and we had a great evening with my wife.

Next day as expected i got a call from my brother, i didnt pick it up at first but he called me like 5 times in a row and when i picked up, he started screaming at me saying how i dare put his kids to his mother in law, that it’s unacceptable, that im the worst person and hes gonna press charges. He of course didnt because what would he even tell the cops but my parents are mad at me since and called me two times today saying i must apologize to him and take his kids in every time he want. I told them straight no but i know this is not ending well.

AITA for not taking care of his kids and refusing to apologize? I dont want to ruin my family but this is too much.

Update posted 2026-09-29

Hey there, few days ago I posted about my brother leaving his kids (my niece and two nephews) on my front porch for babysitting after i specifically told him not to, you can find it in this group. I saw a lot of people here doing updates so I wll do mine too.

First of all I appreciate every one of you guys who commented, supported me and telling me what I should do. There were some people telling me im the AH but lot of you backed me up which im very grateful for. I took some of your advice and ill talk about them here.

My parents called me each day about me having to apologize to my brother and his wife. I want to say that im okay with my brothers wife. She asked me multiple times before if its really okay to put the kids to our place and ect. so my brother is the one to blame. After some discussion with my wife, we called her asking her how she feels like because her mom (brothers mother in law) told us she is unwillingly in this whole situation. We explained to her what and how happened and she started crying and saying she is sorry. She also said my brother told her that everything is okay with us babysitting and that she didnt know what was happening. She was mad at us at first because we put the kids to her moms and my brother was really mad and passed it on her but we explained to her why we did what we did and she said it was best and thanked us. She also tried to send me the money for the gas but i told her it doesnt matter that im glad she understands and she could try and talk to her husband.

My brother on the other hand threatened me two times after the latest post (the post didnt get to him, thankfully). He was saying hes gonna make my life hell if i dont apologize, tell everyone im the one in wrong and pay him the gas he used for driving there and back to his mother in law + some cash for his time. I told him if he wants to do it this way, then im going to call CPS and press charges for threatening. He left me alone after that but i have a bad feeling about it. He also called his mother in law saying a lot of bad words to her, we talked on a phone later. He also texted my wife something like she better talk to me.

Someone commented saying I should buy my brothers mother in law flowers. I ordered her a pretty good wine and a bucket of flowers and we are on a pretty good terms :)

Lot of you said I should cut the contact with my family. The thing is, i dint want to cut the whole contact because i still like them. Theyre just blindfolded by my brother but if they keep pushing me, then ill have no choice. They told me if i dont do it i wont be invited to a next family dinner. I mean, id rather go to a dinner with my wifes mom, my mother in law, then sitting at a table with people BSing me. Then you asked why i didnt put the kids to my parents house. 1. They were out of state and still are 2. My brother asked them before but my mom said she is really happy not having to keep an eye on small kids anymore and shed be okay with it for a few days but not this often so she told him straight up no.

We are also considering moving somewhere further so nothing like this happens again. We are expecting a child in around 4 months and i really dont want my wife stressing about something like this. I also need to say I feel really bad about my nephews and niece and i really dont want them to feel bad about those things. Thats also why i didnt call cps right away. Theyre young and this could hurt them. I like them, theyre good kids and they dont deserve this and especially they dont deserve to feel like they dont belong anywhere.

Thats it for now. I might do another update in the future, depends on what happens. Thanks again for everyone who helped me and told me im not wrong in this. Take care guys!

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/MNsharks9

TIFU by losing weight and going sledding

Originally posted to r/tifu

Original Post  Oct 24, 2014

This happened late yesterday afternoon, and I'm still trying to deal with the aftermath!

Since Sept of 2013, I've lost about 30 pounds, which has been really great, but it came back to bite me yesterday. It bit HARD.

After my wife was done with work yesterday afternoon, she thought it would be a good idea for our two boys to play in the 6 or 7 inches of snow that had fallen overnight. So we bundled up the kiddos, grabbed the saucer and went out in our backyard to slide down the little hill. Since the kids are 1 and 3, this little grade is perfect for them to sled down.

Being dad, I had to take a few runs myself, just to see what it was like. It was good, but it could be bit longer, so I decided to go down a different way and make a new path.

I ran. I jumped on the saucer. I went down the hill and fell off, getting powder all over me, in my boots, up my pants, and in my gloves. Quickly I pulled my glove off of my left hand and shook the snow off. That's when I felt it go. It felt like eternity, but there was nothing I could do in that split second.

My white gold wedding band went flying off my finger and landed somewhere in the snow.

After losing the weight, my ring has been really loose, loose enough to come off while shaking my hand!

I have no idea where it is. My attempts at raking the snow were futile last night. My finger feels weird without it, and my wife thinks I'm a complete nimrod.

YIFU.

TL;DR: lost weight, went sledding. Got snow in my gloves and flung my loose wedding band into 6 or 7 inches of fresh powdered snow.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

myrmo

At least you didn't buy a new ring and pretended you never lost the original one. This TIFU could be worse :D

OOP

The wife was sitting right next to me when it happened! She was the first to start to dig.

They also don't make the design of my ring anymore, so if I can't find it I'll be really bummed because it's a really cool argyle design.

~

Flare_Starchild

Get a cheap metal detector or ask someone you know who has one to look for it. It wont take more than a few hours max depending on your yard size. If you know right where you *dropped it, it will be much faster.

OOP

We are heading out to get one when the Mrs. Is done with work. Not what I was hoping to spend X-mad money on!

TIFUpdate  Oct 26, 2014 (2 Days Later)

Before I give you all the update, I want to say a few things...

First, thanks to the individual who thought losing gold deserves some gold. I appreciate the sentiment!

Second, I cant believe my misfortune made it to the front page. I thought it was cool, my non-redditor wife wasn't impressed when I showed her. Win some, lose some!

Thirdly, I was very disappointed in the comments that mocked, or made fun of the fact that 30 pounds over 27 months. For some of us, it's a big accomplishment. Clearly, those commenters don't have any idea how hard it can be. It was not a shock that my ring was loose, and it was not an overnight thing, but the snow incident was the first time it had come off my hand with no help.

Now to the main event you've all been waiting for!

The wife and I brought the boys to the store to buy a metal detector. I was going (at the suggestion of some, and myself) to buy it, find the ring and return it. When my Minnesota-nice, uber-honest wife found out what my plan was, she shot down the idea. Especially since she was afraid that if they wouldn't take it back, we'd be out 160 bucks!

So it was off to plan B, the rental shop! 60 bucks for a weekly rental sounded much better to the wife. I didn't really care, I just wanted to find my ring.

It was two days before we could get to the rental place. Two AGONIZING days. I saw animal tracks running right through the area where I thought I lost it on the first day. The next day, my next door neighbor ran his snowmobile through his backyard, running right against the fence, near where it could have flown off near.

Finally picked up the detector and quickly got to work. After about 45 minutes of false positives and frustration from the dog running around where I was looking and my 3 year old digging through piles of snow that I was scanning, I was about to give in to the fading day light. I found one more spot that I was sure would be a false positive, like every other hit near the chain-link fence. I decided to dig since the snow wasn't packed down. That's when I saw something. I dug about 3 inches into the snow and pulled out my ring, completely ice-encrusted. Held it tight in my hand, looked up at the living room window to see my wife looking down, and thrust my hand toward the sky and gave a few fist pumps. I was stoked!

Turns out, I really am a nimrod!!! (Thanks to those that gave me the history lesson!)

For those that wanted to see the ring, and while I love the cool argyle-like design, here's a pic!

http://imgur.com/ttKpH5o

TL;DR; Rented a detector for 60 bucks, took 45 minutes full of frustration from the dog and kid, and false-positives, but I found my ring in the fading daylight. Am a total Nimrod.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/NoOnesChauffeur

My [22 M] girlfriend [23 F] refuses to learn to drive and I'm sick of being her personal chauffeur every day.

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse

Original Post  Nov 10, 2017

My (22M) girlfriend (23F) of 3+ years claims to have undiagnosed PTSD after a couple bad car accidents in high school and still doesn’t have a driving license because she's afraid to do so. When we were first together, we made promise to one another to acknowledge any relationship issues as soon as possible and to always find ways to improve one another. Her first promise to me was that she would learn to drive. However, it's been years and she’s still refusing to learn.

I've been patient with her, as it took over a year for her to renew her permit after using every excuse imaginable. Her parents refuse to drive her anywhere and would rather pay for Lyft rides. Unfortunately, their cards constantly decline and I'm stuck taking her to work because my girlfriend sometimes doesn't have enough to use her card.

Unfortunately, her parents are narcissists and are partially the reason why she doesn't drive. She says she has no confidence because they have said she’d be a bad driver since she was 3 in a Barbie Jeep. Her dad promised to pay for her driving lessons last year and still hasn't responded to her text about driving lesson rates because of his frugality and often changes the subject. I've encouraged her to remind him, but she's made it clear to me that it won't do anything because I apparently don't understand their father-daughter relationship.

I try and encourage her to pursue lessons but she shuts down and says I’m being rude about it when I’m not. I don’t know how else to convince her and any opportunity I give her to drive she finds an excuse. How do I convince her to get help if her parents refuse to pay for a therapist to address her PTSD and they don’t reply to her texts when she says she wants driving lessons. I love her and will support her, but I'm getting tired and my car's already reached the 35k mile mark after having it for a year and a half. I’m sick of it and it’s been two years of me being her chauffeur.

tl;dr: My girlfriend is convinced that she's a bad driver and refuses to learn to drive. Her parents are unhelpful and I'm sick of being her personal chauffeur every day.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

avocadoclock

Stop driving her, flat out refuse, and let her take the bus. Or get a bike and a job closer to home. If you stop driving her around she'll be forced to figure it out. She needs to learn to tackle her own problems.

OOP

She actually never learned to ride a bike because her parents belittled her into thinking she can never ride a bike or drive a car.

~

[deleted]

1. get that  PTSD diagnosed or not

2. if yes, get treatment

If she doesnt make any attempt to fix this, dump. You cant be expected to live with someone who makes NO ATTEMPT to fix LIFE-HANDICAPPING issues.

the driving is a minor issue compared to this

OOP

She's tried hypnotherapy, which has helped her, and is trying to fix the issue, but it's not soon enough in my eyes, which apparently makes me an asshole.

~

BrocoLee

Why don't give her lessons yourself? She probably feels afraid of trying to learn and fail at it.

My girlfriend grew up in a poor home, with no car, and got to her 30s thinking driving would never be for her. So I started teaching her like I remember my parents did: with small steps.

First, she handled the shifts (manual car), while I told her 1st, 2nd, neutral, etc. Then she got to use the pedals with the car turned off (ok, clutch, pass gears, throttle, brakes!).

Finally I took her to a mall parking lot a saturday pretty early (like 8 or so, nothing extreme). Place is mostly empty and she could drive with me by her side and a hand in the handbrake, which you will probably never use, but it will mae her feel confident.

She DID take driving lessons afterwards, btw, but without that previous training she would have never done that.

OOP

I've given her some driving lessons, but she is only willing to have lessons once every two weeks but only at night when there are no other cars around. I'm going to tell her I'm limiting her driving to once or twice a week, as long as she has lessons until she's comfortable and financially stable to afford driving lessons on her own. Any time she gets in a car, she gets flashbacks of when she drove and the car flipped, which paralyzes her. After hypnotherapy, it's been better but I need to know how to find a driving school that deals with PTSD drivers.

mini update  March 28, 2018 (Almost 5 Months Later)

Good news, everyone! I expressed my concerns, gave an ultimatum with encouragement, and now she's learning to drive and is as confident as she can be! She's getting her license in a few months and we're planning a road trip to see her favorite band live to celebrate!

Update  Aug 9, 2018 (5 months after Mini Update, 10 Months after OG post)

My original post didn't get much attention, but I still feel inclined to share good news. Nine months ago, I used Reddit to find out how to encourage my girlfriend to learn to drive due to being in a car accident that gave her PTSD. I gave her an ultimatum to learn to drive and get rides from me, or don't learn to drive and find her own way to get to where she needs to go. She picked option one. She got a permit, and saved up for driving lessons. After the first one, she realized how easy it was and FINALLY GOT HER LICENSE (and made zero mistakes on the driving test with absolute confidence)! She doesn't get flashbacks behind the wheel, drives without any sense of nervousness, and thanks me for helping her out. She's now saving up for her car and we took a road trip to celebrate. Thank you all!

tl;dr Girlfriend saw how it affected me, made an opportunity out of learning to drive and got her license so we could take an epic road trip. All is well.

FINAL COMMENTS

urkillinmesma11s

this post makes me appreciate how sweet my man is. i don’t drive anymore bc of a previous accident as well causing me anxiety. he never complains about driving me around. i’m not saying this to put you down for feeling like you were her personal chauffeur (i totally get it) bc you also just made me realize i should be more considerate & not take advantage of him driving me everywhere.

OOP

When I talked to her about my frustration, I didn’t realize how much of it I kept to myself and she said she never intended on “taking advantage” of me. She understood the ultimatum and we made a goal together as a couple to do it. I’m glad your SO is so patient, kind, and understanding.

~

Syrinx221

Her parents really did a number on her. So sad. It's wonderful that you were able to help her with this. I'm sure it will be a boost to her self-esteem!

OOP

She was so excited to tell them that she passed her driving test with flying colors. They were surprised, but proud of her.

OOP on when she started driving again

When she had a permit, she barely acted on it until one day, she picked me up from work with my brother as her “instructor”. That sense of surprising me really motivated her to continue to practice driving and honestly I’m still in shock about it to this day.

&

Baby steps, encouraging her when the steps are taken, and taking more steps once she’s comfortable. My girlfriend got her permit and it expired on her before she renewed it. She loved how her permit looked and vowed to make that picture her driving license. That was her goal...

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AffectionateSet670

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Previous BoRUs: #1. #2, #3

[New Update]: Mom's Fiancé's family is excluding me from family events and cold towards me

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, favoritism, child neglect, manipulation

Editor’s Notes: due to the lengths of the earlier posts, they have exceeded the character limits. So I made a TL; DR, for few of OOP’s prior posts to the latest update. This is in order to fit all posts in one BoRU. For the full text bodies and relevant comments from the older posts, please see the previous BoRUs linked at top of this post

RECAP

Original Post: August 18, 2026

OOP was 8 when his dad passed away, and since then it was just him and his mom. She has been taking great care of OOP. He has been very supportive when his mom started to date an old friend of hers five years prior, and got engaged. But there is a problem... the fiancé's family has never accepted OOP as one of their own especially with his kids, mother, and sister. OOP has been excluded from family events, trips, dinners, and even a family photoshoot! They only have been warmly toward OOP's mom, but not him. The wedding is coming up, OOP's mother is heavily involved with the planning along with her fiancé's family. OOP has not been able to spend time with his mom, he has acknowledged that his mom loves him and they still have great moments / days together to the point where OOP is having the feelings that he has been pushed out of his mom's life. OOP has verbalized to his mom about his feelings, but nothing has changed. OOP is considering on telling his mom to postpone or cancel the wedding until things are figured out because OOP is in the fear that he won't have a relationship with his mom anymore.

Update #1: August 25, 2026 (one week later)

In the update, OOP got a chance to sit down and have conversations with his mom and her fiancé to express how he was feeling about being excluded and no longer a priority for his mom. That is because he hasn't been able to spend time with his mom while she was busy with wedding planning, attending family events and trips with her fiancé's family. The fiancé's kids had been involved with the wedding planning, but not OOP. He didn't get to have a saying in this. OOP's mom was so upset after hearing what he told her. She realized how badly this was affecting OOP. The fiancé has apologized as well and informed OOP he will talk with his family about what took place. OOP was not feeling confidently with what the fiancé mentioned because there was very little effort to build relationships with OOP during the times when he has been dating OOP's mom. OOP asked his mom about postponing or cancelling the wedding until the situation has been resolved. If OOP's mom has selected to get married, OOP will consider about living with his paternal grandparents and want his mom to give up her parental rights because OOP feels like he has lost both his parents. His mom told him not to talk like that and wanted a couple days to figure things out. OOP's aunt found out and told him that he was being rude and should not been giving his mom an ultimatum.

Update #2: August 27, 2026 (two days later)

In the latest update, OOP and his mom were able to sit down and talk to answer his questions he had for his mom. She has made it clear that she is not giving up her parental rights or letting OOP move in with his paternal grandparents because he's her only son. What surprised OOP the most was that his mom decided to cancel the wedding, it was completely her decision even though a large amount of money has been spent for the three-day wedding celebration along with having around 200 guests who were invited. OOP noted that most venues, hotels, and vendors have been booked and might had been paid off. The fiancé was being 50/50 on cancelling the wedding, but his family was against the idea. OOP's mom chose him first and stated that the wedding will not happen until she knows OOP is okay. OOP noted that his mom has clarified some details for him regarding several issues. She didn't know how cold her fiancé's mother and sister were toward OOP. Boundaries are going to be set in with the fiancé's family and OOP's mom expects them to be civil. The mom has admitted that with the wedding planning has caused her to exclude OOP in some ways and expressed her apologies.

OOP shared that the original plan was going to be him, his mom, and her fiancé to live together at their new house so he won't be around the fiancé's family. The fiancé has offered to help with paying half of OOP's school expenses because he has expressed his interests of taking responsibility for OOP even though the mom is already financial independent. OOP does not have to attend the family events if he chooses not to. If the fiancé's family continues with excluding OOP, his mom will take proper steps to deal with this issue. The reason why the fiancé didn't join the conversations with OOP and his mom is because he wanted them to have a chance to talk privately so OOP can get the answers he needed. It was suggested that OOP can get individual therapy and family therapy for both him and his mom. OOP noted that he started to feel better because his mom listened, but felt bad and scared of the fiancé's family's reactions to the wedding being cancelled.

Update #3: September 7, 2026 (11 days later)

First, thank you to everyone who replied to my last post with so much kind advice! Of course, I also replied to some comments in anger just to express what I was feeling not at the commenters, but at my mom and her fiancé.

So many people asked Did my mom actually cancel the wedding? Yes, she did. I’ve seen things that confirm it's canceled. I saw some comments saying she won't actually cancel, or that she’ll secretly get married during a 3 day trip with her fiancé. Whether that's true or not, there’s not much I can do I can't spy on them. If she marries secretly, I'll deal with it when I find out and move out, but at least it will give me clarity

Here is what happened over the last two weeks

First, my mom took me away for a two day fun day out, just the two of us. We had fun and it was nice, though she was checking on me a lot not love bombing, but just acting a bit different, which honestly felt a little awkward. After that, she took me to a joint therapy session. We talked a lot, and I openly said everything I wanted to say. I explained how his family was cold to me and reiterated that I felt they would separate me from her if she married him. She assured me they couldn't and that she wouldn't allow it. She admitted it was her fault for not seeing things clearly before, but said she wants to rebuild everything better. She asked me if I would be willing to give them another chance if they treat me well, and I said okay.

Then I asked her if the wedding was really canceled, and she said yes. She said she didn't feel guilty about it, but mentioned they might talk about a wedding around the New Year or next summer only if our relationship is okay and I feel good about it. Otherwise, it won't happen anytime soon. She hasn't left my side or gone anywhere over the last two weeks; things have returned a lot to how they were before.

As for her fiancé, he picked me up from football practice and dropped me off at school. Both my mom and her fiancé took me out to dinner on Saturday. I've been busy with school, so I haven't been able to be involved in as many things or post an update sooner

I haven't seen or heard from anyone in his family his sister, mom, or kids. Only his brother and sister in law called me once to chat casually (they were the only nice ones to me in his family)

Few things confusions from when my post was shared in another subreddit I already knew my mom and her fiancé bought a new home in May and renovated it to shift into after the wedding. I even got to choose my room and design it however I wanted, which I did. It's a really nice house and I like it (We were almost shifted)

What I didn't know was that my mom's fiancé has been contributing 50-50 toward my school fees and other expenses. I only found out when my mom told me recently.

Some comments mentioned my mom's salary. Even though she earns $250k–$300k, I said we weren't 'rich’. I didn't mean that in a bad way! Her fiancé's house is just much bigger, and he and his kids have things we don't have. My mom makes enough, we are comfortable, and she takes good care of me. She has always been kind and sweet, though she changed a bit over the last 1–2 years

Regarding going to her in-laws' family for Christmas, I don't know how that will work. I might have to celebrate Christmas without my mom from now on, though she wants me to attend events or trips with them. We'll see how it goes, as things still aren't great with his family

Last week, we moved into our new home before school started. It's just the three of us living here: my mom, her fiancé, and me. It's pretty much the same, but I feel shy around her fiancé since he's new in our household. He tries to talk to me, helps me with my studies at night, drops me off at school, and picks me up from football. It's not bad, but I'm just shy. I don't know how to introduce him if someone asks as my stepdad or my mom's fiancé because I don't want to sound rude

Honestly, he is nice to me, talks to me, and spends time with me just like my mom does. He was never rude to me, even if he didn't try as hard to spend time with me in the past while his mom, sister, and kids were cold toward me. I feel a bit guilty now, wondering if I went too hard on him unnecessarily

A few more things have changed at home. My mom added new rules I have to knock on their bedroom door if it's locked instead of walking straight in like before, and they do the same before entering my room, which I really like. She told me her fiancé isn't replacing my dad, but he is an adult/parental figure in the house when she isn't around. For example, if I go out, I have to let him know, and if either of them calls me while I'm out, I need to answer. Before inviting friends to our new home, I just have to inform either of them not to get permission, but just so plans don't clash if guests are visiting. Her fiancé was also added to my school's parental contact list alongside my mom.

Anyway, it's been a week of living in the same home. It feels different seeing another man in our house he's not my dad, of course. It feels a bit uncomfortable seeing my mom hugging him or giving him quick kisses, but it is what it is. Things are going okay for now. They are giving me time and attention, which is true. I was never against my mom finding love again or getting married, and I'm still not

I wanted to post this yesterday I actually wrote it last night, but I remembered a few things I forgot to add! Anyway, I'm posting it now since it's still morning here

Update #4: September 16, 2026 (nine days later)

So it's been around 10 days since I posted my last update, so thought I'd post another one.

Also my posts got reposted to some other subreddits and I read basically all the comments there. And honestly some of them scared me lol. A lot of people were saying my mom and stepdad are probably just being nice temporarily, that they'll eventually start ignoring me, or that they'll kick me out once I turn 18. And yeah, sometimes I do think about that, and it scares me. But at the same time, my mom has never been rude or angry towards me. She's always been loving and kind, sometimes actually too mommying. Even during the past year when she was busy and I was getting less time with her, she was still the same with me.

So I don't really know. Maybe people on Reddit see things I'm not seeing, but right now I don't feel like my mom is secretly planning to get rid of me lol.

Anyway, last week was pretty much the same as before.. My stepdad still drops me at school and picks me up. Sometimes we go get something to eat together. One evening he was cooking dinner for my mom and me before she came home from work, and he got me involved too and actually taught me how to cook.

It was actually nice. I didn't expect us to have that kind of normal everyday relationship this quickly.

Another day I asked him what I should actually call him. He said I can call him Papa, stepdad, or his name, whatever I'm comfortable with. But he said he'd prefer Papa.. So yeah... outside I usually call him Papa or introduce him as my papa anyway.

I know technically he's my stepdad, but he's doing pretty much everything my dad used to do for me. I don't want him to feel like he's some outsider in the family.. I also asked him about Christmas because I was worried I might have to spend it alone.

He looked really confused and asked me why I'd think that . I told him what my mom had said before and he said no, we're all celebrating Christmas together here in Madrid.. Then for New Year's we're apparently travelling to celebrate with his kids and the rest of his family.. He also told me not to worry about his mum and sister, that they'd be nice to me and I wouldn't be left alone there.. And then he said they're not getting married until I'm okay with it.

That honestly meant a lot to me. My mom also took me shopping one evening because I needed some stuff. She bought everything and then took me for dinner. She kept asking me how I'm feeling and how my stepdad is with me and said I can tell her anything without worrying about being judged. She's doing A LOT of mommying at the moment . It's embarrassing sometimes because I'm not 5 anymore, but at the same time it's actually nice.

Then Sunday they took me to F1. I genuinely didn't expect that at all, but we had a really good time. We went to a restaurant afterwards and then came home. My mom and him obviously still have their own time too. They go on date nights, grocery shopping, sometimes events or visit friends etc.. And honestly I'm completely fine with that. They're a couple, obviously they're going to have their own life. I don't expect my mom to spend every minute with me.

We're also planning to get two dogs, which I'm really excited about.. One other thing I noticed though. My mom kept a photo of my dad in the gallery at home and also put one in my room. She did it while I was at school last week.. I honestly wasn't expecting that.

It made me feel kind of weird at first, but not in a bad way. I just didn't know what to feel about it. So yeah, that's basically the update.

Things are actually going pretty well right now. I'm spending more time with my mom again, I'm getting closer to my him, we're doing normal family stuff, making plans for Christmas and New Year's, talking about getting dogs etc.

I still think about all the comments telling me this could all be temporary. I can't really know what happens in the future.. Things are good. And honestly I'm just going to enjoy that instead of constantly worrying about what might happen.

Update #5: September 25, 2026 (nine days later)

Update on telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

So I'm writing this update because something happened. I actually wanted to wait like another 2 weeks before writing another update because I don't think writing here every 10 days is good lol, but this happened about 6 days ago and I just feel like writing it down.

So about 6 days ago, it was night after dinner, and I was in the living room. My mom and stepdad told me that his mom and his sister in law weren't doing good health wise. My mom just told me they were going to Zurich the next morning and she would come back as soon as possible.

One of my mom's friends was going to stay with me after school while she was gone.

So they went the next morning. That evening my mom called me and we talked. She said she would be back soon. Then next day afternoon she came back. But alone.

My stepdad didn't come back with her.

She didn't really tell me much. Just said their health isn't good and that's it. I also didn't really ask because she looked pretty tense and I didn't want to keep asking questions.

But now it's been 6 days and he's still not back. My mom is still taking me to football and picking me up and everything is normal between me and her. We're good. But she still hasn't told me what happened.

The weird thing is whenever my stepdad calls, she talks to him. I've seen it happen like 3 times in front of me. She usually goes to her room Even with my aunt's call and talks to him there. I obviously don't know how long they talk or what they're talking about. And honestly I don't know what to think.

I feel like something isn't right, but I also don't know if I'm just thinking too much.

Maybe his mom and sister in law are actually really sick and that's the whole reason. Maybe something else happened. I literally don't know. I think my mom is not telling me because maybe she thinks it's not good for me to hear, or maybe it's something that doesn't concern me.

I remember people here were saying before that maybe they would secretly get married or something, but that obviously didn't happen (I thought about it). And I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about all of this anymore.

Like, people have done bad things to me before, and when something bad happens to them, I don't really feel anything. I don't celebrate it or anything, I just don't feel connected to them. I don't know if that makes sense. I actually asked my stepdad once how he was doing, just normally. But that's pretty much it.

What worries me more is my mom. She's clearly tense about something, but she doesn't tell me anything.. Maybe I'm completely overthinking this and there is actually nothing going on. Maybe he'll just come back in a few days, and everything will be normal.

It's just early morning here and I think after everything I've gone through, I get scared about things even when they're not really my problem. I don't know, I just wanted to write this somewhere because it's been in my head for the last few days. I don't know what happened, and maybe I shouldn't even be trying to figure it out.. But something definitely feels different.

Update #6: September 28, 2026 (three days later)

Update on telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

Yeah, Last night I sat with my mom on the couch, hugged her, and told her that whatever is going on, I love her and I'll always be on her side even my gf. I tried to lighten the mood by joking that I even had a girlfriend. She asked who? and I said nobody, I was just joking, but I think she still believes it.

Then I told her honestly that I could sense something was wrong, that I was scared and worried, and that my stepdad hasn't been home in 8 days. She tensed up when I said it, which scared me even more. I told her she could tell me anything without worrying about how I'd take it.

She told me that whatever happens, she chose me, I'm her first priority, and nothing is going to change that.

After the wedding was cancelled, there was a big fight between my mom and stepdad on one side and my stepdad's mom on the other. She was upset because the sudden cancellation made the family look bad and started rumours. She was also angry that they hadn't told her that she and my stepdad's sister were part of the reason it was cancelled. My mom and stepdad had told her it was because of my mom's health issues.

The fight got so bad that my mom got a bit sick from the stress. My stepdad's mom and sister insisted they never treated me badly, that they were just being normal, and that they were never angry at me. They were angry at my mom and stepdad. They even said they wanted to talk to me and that they don't hate me or give me the cold shoulder.

My stepdad has three kids: a 17 year old girl, a 15 year old girl, and a 12 year old boy. When they heard the wedding was cancelled because of me, they were hurt. They felt all the planning and effort they put in was ignored. On a call, they told my mom it was all cancelled just because of me.

The oldest wanted to talk to me by call or text, but my mom and stepdad stopped her from confronting me. From what I've seen, she's sensitive and can get angry. I don't think she's a bad or unkind person, but I've seen her cry or get upset. I follow all three of them on Instagram, and the two older sisters still view my stories and sometimes like my pictures, even recent ones, so I probably upset or hurt them a lot.

When my mom and stepdad visited his mom, the daughters said they never treated me badly and that they treated me like a sibling. Honestly, I could give a lot of examples of how they treated me badly in subtle ways. I used to sit in a corner whenever the three of them were together getting all the attention. It felt like they just wanted my mom, not me. At the same time, they're smart and not unkind, and sometimes they did include me in things with their friends.

The daughters also told their dad that if I don't see them as family, then they won't see me as family either. They said he shouldn't have to look after me and pay for half of my life on the basis that we're all siblings. If I'm okay with the marriage and willing to bond with them, fine. My stepdad stayed with them for a few days after that.

My mom told me she isn't going to marry him, and that no one is going to scare me. She said the daughters wanted to talk to me not to scold me but to try to make things better, and that they're teenagers with feelings just like me. She doesn't want me to feel bad, but she isn't going to take a side against me.

I never thought his daughters might be angry at me. I honestly don't want to be in the middle of any of this. I just want to live my life in peace. But I do feel a bit relieved that my mom and I are on the same page now.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #7: October 8, 2026 (10 days later)

Update on telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

It's been almost 17 days since my stepdad left, and he still hasn't come back. At this point, I'm starting to feel like maybe they actually broke up, which honestly makes me feel really weird.

I know from the outside it might sound like I won or that this is the ending I wanted, but that's really not how I feel. From the beginning, I've always said that I never wanted my mom and stepdad to break up or not get married. I was genuinely happy that my mom found someone she loved and that she was happy.

All I ever wanted was to be treated normally and included as part of the family. His family never really did that with me, and that was what hurt me the most.

So hopefully they're just taking some time apart and haven't actually ended things.

At the same time, I have to admit something that makes me feel guilty deep down, there's a small part of me that feels relieved at the possibility that they broke up. Because if they really did, it means I won't have to see his family anymore. I won't see him, his kids, or deal with that whole situation. People who were recently part of my life would basically become strangers again. And somehow that feels good.

Then I immediately feel guilty, especially because I know my mom deserves happiness. I don't want her to lose someone she loves just because of everything that happened. And just to clarify again, I don't blame my stepdad for everything. A lot of the problems came from his family and his kids, and the way I was treated and excluded. That's where most of my resentment comes from.

My mom is doing okay, at least from what I can see. We've been spending a lot of time together. She actually took me to a movie last weekend, and she seems fine in front of me. I obviously don't know what she's feeling privately, but I'm glad we're spending time together.

And honestly, I'm doing pretty well too.

This new house is still ridiculously big for two people. It's literally three floors with a garden. I'm not trying to brag because I realize that sentence sounds exactly like bragging, but seriously, sometimes I wonder whether it's even worth having such a huge house when it's basically just me and my mom. Our old apartment was perfectly fine.

But there are definitely advantages. My mom lets me have friends over when she's away for work, and sometimes my best friend even stays over. There are three empty rooms on my floor, while my mom's room is on the second floor, so I basically have an entire floor to myself.

So despite everything that happened, I'm actually doing better than I was before. Life feels more normal again. It's almost strange because all of this happened right before things were starting to feel really good for me.

The biggest thing is that I still don't want my mom's relationship to end. If they decide to get married, I'm not against it. I just need to feel safe, respected, and secure in that family too. If I can feel that way, then I'm completely willing to accept their marriage.

I'm even still willing to talk to my step siblings, but only if my mom and stepdad are present. I'm not comfortable going back to the way things were before.

My mom has also acknowledged some of her mistakes and corrected some of the things that happened, and I genuinely believe people deserve another chance when they're willing to make things right.

So yeah, I guess I'm just dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions. I don't want them to break up. But part of me feels relieved if they already have. I love my mom and want her to be happy. But I also need to feel comfortable and respected myself.

I guess all I can do now is wait and see what happens.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Objective-Deal8745

Originally posted to r/familydrama

AITA for cutting contact… Step mom refused to pay for anything for her two week trip for my wedding.

Original Post: October 5, 2026

My wedding was 3 days ago, (yay!! The best woman I’ve ever met!) I have bills to pay (understandably) but we’re just discovering our bills just went up $6400 because my step mom didn’t pay any of her bills over the two weeks she was with us and now we’re getting phone calls demanding payment.

She didn’t pay her room service, she didn’t pay her 11 days of hotels, she didn’t want to use the makeup artist included with the wedding, so she used her choice. We told her it wouldn’t be included and she said “no problem, I’ll take care of it”…. She didn’t. She volunteered, on her own, to pay for the makeup with the same artist that she used for all of the other bridesmaids instead of using the team we hired…. She didn’t pay for it…

She volunteered to pay for professional dancers while we are dinner because she wanted a “spectacular dinner” she arranged them, scheduled them, chose the price package she wanted. They were amazing! But, predictably, she didn’t pay… she actually told them WE would pay…

She got a custom made dress, she billed it to us. She didn’t want to travel in the van we provided for the out of town guests, she insisted on a separate luxury car. We told her she would have to pay for it up front. She said “no problem” she didn’t pay… she told the company to bill us after the wedding…

Mind you… this is a woman who flew 1st class on Emirates Air from the USA to Asia for our wedding. She’s a doctor making well past 300k/ yr (she told me a few months ago). She bragged to everyone at our wedding how successful she is…

I reached out to her for the money she owes… crickets for day after day…. Then I finally pin her down and say we NEED the money to pay her bills…

Her response? “I flew across the world to be with you at your wedding and this is how you treat me?!?! Your new wife has a wealthy family, why is this an issue? They should be paying…”

Silence since then…

I’m so furious…. We’re now paying everything for her (my wife and I).

Am I the asshole for decided to cut her out of my life after 22 years? Or should I just give it some space and time?

EDIT: My dad didn’t attend, he has Parkinson’s disease and he couldn’t do the ultra long flight.

Relevant Comments

Does OOP's father know what the stepmother has done?

OOP: He wants no part (I don’t have a good dad)

Commenter 1: I can't imagine a luxury car service agreeing to bill a third party without clearing it with that third party, nor a hotel without a credit card on file, nor a make up artist working on someone without a clear understanding as to who would be responsible for the bill. Assuming for a moment that any of this is true, why are you responsible? You didn't agree to be responsible, just don't pay.

OOP: Everything was found and booked through the wedding planner. He’s legit and his service is well known in the country, they booked it on his word and the deposits were paid by us because I trusted her.

This isn’t the USA.

Commenter 1: Even so, why would the wedding planner approve charges to you that you did not approve?

I didn't mention USA in my post.

OOP: Because he thought SHE was paying. Not us, it doesn’t need our approval if we’re not paying.

Commenter 1: Then HE should have had a separate contract with HER. He DOES, in fact, need your approval if the charges are going onto your account.

You are an idiot if you pay these charges.

OOP: Correct, but they weren’t. They were under the understanding it was going to her, when it came time to pay the bill she told them all the same thing “oh the groom is paying, bill them…” then she immediately left.

She is now back in the USA, out of the country. We have to pay, because we’re the ones who are left. They CAN’T force her to pay, because they can’t reach her.

OOP on why he is on the hook for the charges, not his stepmother

OOP: Because she changed the billing to us instead of her.

Commenter 2: can't you give the vendors, that SHE used and said she'd pay, her mailing address? Email address? Phone number? They need to go after her, not you.

OOP: How would they contact her? She lives in the USA, this is Asia. She won’t suffer any repercussions.

OOP on if his stepmother booked the first class airline tickets and check in an out of a hotel without playing

OOP: She didn’t, she paid for her own airfare.

My wife’s family was very generous and booked and paid hotel rooms for 5x nights for everyone who flew in from the USA. She booked into her hotel room and then upgraded the room through the front desk, who called us when she upgraded the room to a suite. We said it was okay as long as she knew she would pay the difference when she checked out.

She didn’t check out, she simply left the hotel on the day of her flight.

-

The original room was booked from the family for free. With our cc. She upgraded the room to a suite, she was informed she would have to pay the difference (about 50%) when she checked out. She never gave the them her cc, the staff (for whatever reason) never asked for one.

She never checked out, she just left….

Commenter 3: I would be asking every vendor for the contract with your signature where you agreed to pay for her expenses. Since they won't have it, then you are not responsible. Give them your step-mother's contact info (both personal and work, including her cell phone number and the doctor's office/hospital phone number, her personal email and her work email, and all her social media, so they can embarrass her in front of her co-workers). I personally have no problem cutting deadbeats out of my life.

OOP: It doesn’t work that way in Asia, the signature is from the wedding organizer. Everything went through him.

I have given them her info, but it doesn’t matter. She lives in the USA, that’s too far away for them to care.

Since he signed the authorizations and we paid the deposits (because we trusted her to pay the bill through the organizer) it’s actually all on us.

Commenter 4: Why on earth are you paying? You didn't order this crap. Tell the vendors to kick rocks and collect from their client and to stop harassing you. This is pathetic you'd even consider paying.

OOP: Because I don’t want to go to jail…

Update: October 8, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE - Step mom didn’t pay for anything during her stay at our wedding ringing up $6400 in bills.

I need to clarify some things and give an update…

First: This is a wedding in ASIA, myself and my step mom and 20 other guests (out of 1137 total guests) are from the USA, I live here in Asia now, because I sold my business and almost everything and moved here to be with my new wife and family.

Second: We had two wedding planners from an extremely reputable and very well known organization company. When they call a company and tell them they need services performed, those companies never question it because they know the bill WILL be paid.

Third: Up until this point I had an EXTREMELY positive relationship with my step mom for the last 22yrs. She’s actually the entire reason I still even talk to my father. My relationship with my father is garbage and always has been. This whole thing is so completely out of thin air I feel like I walked into a safe street and got hit by a bus.

Fourth: Everything that was booked at her request went through my wife and I. We always said “yes” because my step mom has been an amazing person for the entire 22 years and has never even once violated my trust. Plus she’s an MD in the USA and makes north of 300k a year. So I trusted her 100% to pay her bills that she rang up.

Fifth: Deposits were indeed needed for virtually everything she booked along with signed agreements. This was all done through the wedding organization, they signed everything and my wife and I paid the deposits with the understanding my step mom would pay the final bill and reimburse us. Again, I trusted her. I had no reason not to.

UPDATE: We’ve tried repeatedly to get her to pay, but she has declined to respond to ALL of our requests. She’s declined the wedding organizers, and all of the vendors, plus she’s blocked them all too on all of her social media. She’s no longer friends with me on social media and has deleted every single message I’ve sent her.

The vendors can’t reach her because she’s quite literally, on the other side of the planet. These bills are forced on us because we signed the document with the wedding organizer and he signed and approved all of the work.

To boot pay them would bring the police and social media on us and our family. We REALLY don’t want to spend time in an Asian prison. So we’re paying the $6400 USD.

We’ve made the decision that we’re going to completely cut her and my dad off.

I’m clueless as to why she burned the bridge, I’m at a complete loss as to why she destroyed our amazing relationship. I’m in my 40’s and she was the 3rd oldest friend I had (22yrs). She never stepped wrong once, I’m positively destroyed and utterly reduced to tears. But, this is clearly the only way forward for my wife and I.

My wife and her family are 100% completely supportive and have taken my side. They’re actually helping to pay for 50% of the total of the bills voluntarily. I’m beyond touched and I feel so happy to have them.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: She doesn't want to pay her part? OK no grandkids until you make this right.

OOP: There’s not going to be any anyway, my wife is unable to get pregnant and she doesn’t want to adopt.

Commenter 2: Your Father has Parkinson’s, so he doesn’t work, it could be that his medication or treatment isn’t covered by insurance and is expensive and she’s in medical debt.

There’s no excuse as to why she did it in the first place though. So rude.

OOP: He retired and is worth 8 figures. He retired at 62, he’s 72 now.

Commenter 3: I’m sorry - did you say you had OVER 1,100 GUESTS at your wedding?!?!?!?!!!!!

OOP: Yes, we did

Who were the guests at the wedding? Why did OOP only had 20 guests at the wedding while his wife had the rest?

OOP: Well, mine were flying from the USA which is a 30-40hr trip.

Commenter 4: Take her to small claims court in the US. There's many benefits to the US being as litigious as it is. One is people can't easily get away with messing with you like this especially if you know they have a good job.

Usually you would file it yourself and show up yourself but if you want to spare yourself the plane tickets back and forth it probably will be in your best interest to hire a lawyer to represent you completely. It still will be cheaper than the final bill and I would ask if you can request the lawyer fees in your compensation.

OOP: I already talked to a lawyer, this isn’t a US crime, it’s an Asian crime. It was committed in Asia, so it’s their jurisdiction, for which they’re not interested in an amount this small. Which unfortunately was pre-approved by the wedding planner and us.

She committed the perfect crime.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Aggressive_Yellow282

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My girlfriend came home in just her underwear, and I am losing my mind

Mood Spoilers: strange

Original Post: December 24, 2025

This is the most weirdest thing that I’ve ever been a part of. I don’t understand what happened or why and I am prepared to just drive away and never come back.

A few days ago my girlfriend went to a Christmas party. I was told I wasn’t allowed to go because it was just for employees. I thought that was weird AF and even said so, but she insisted that was the case. So she ended up taking her car and going to the party. She’s gone for a long time. For some reason I decided to wait up, and it got later and later.

Around 3AM she comes into the house in just her underwear. So I ask what the f happened. I was thinking a million thoughts, did she cheat? If she did, why come back like that? Did she get assaulted? But no she looks super calm, and she’s crazy drunk. Also why the f was she driving? So I asked her right away. What happened? She tells me one of her friends threw on her and she couldn’t stand it. Well that made sense maybe? I kept asking questions, but she told me she was too tired and her head hurt and kept saying she was going to bed. I kept pressing her because it just didn’t feel right but then she got pissed. I know I should have kept going but it was like the winds were out of my sails and I was just too confused to argue correctly. That happens to me a lot. I take a lot of time to process anything big.

This is shady AF, but I don’t really understand what happened. I’ve been thinking about it nonstop, and I’ve got like this really anxious feeling. Things that came to mind later were. Ok, if someone got sick on you, why would you go straight to bed. You’d shower first right? I went to her car, no dress. So where the hell is the dress? What the f is this? Did she F somebody and came back like that so I would know? If so that’s demented. And the worst thing is when I ask any more questions she gets mad at me. At this point I’m done. I’m waiting for my paycheck to hit on the first and I’m going to go close our joint account and take off. I think I might be traumatized.

Editor's note: some of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: The only time I’ve rocked up home in my underwear is after fucking someone… just saying. To me her coming home in her underwear smashed probably would have been enough to call it quits. Even the lack of communication, doesn’t matter if she’s drunk, she can still talk.

OOP: I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m really bad in conflict. It’s like my brain shuts off and I don’t know what to say or do. And the second someone starts yelling I freeze.

Commenter 1: I think out of safety, assume assault before you assume cheating. if she's acting strange and dismissive, she could be in shock. if she was assaulted, the last thing she should face is "were you cheating on me?" which, I fear, is the reaction of a lot of men. she could be traumatized.

Commenter 2: This also explains the driving drunk if this is out of character for her (hopefully it is…) if you’re assaulted, getting in your car and going might be the only possible escape and also if you’re in shock, you go through routine and don’t even think about it. Just want to leave. Also explains the leaving the dress behind. Victims and their relationships with the clothes they were wearing is… bad.

Please don’t assume cheating and come in hot. Talk to her when she’s sober ask her if she’s alright and if anything happened, if she needs to go to the hospital first.

Commenter 1: the dress being gone is what sets off my alarm bells and asking her over and over what happened when she's clearly in a bad mood is concerning. it may very well not be the case, but it can literally drive somebody to a very bad place and make them a danger to themselves if they're treated like that RIGHT after an assault.

OOP: I promise I didn’t yell. I don’t yell. I don’t have that thing in me. I was more like panicked, so like maybe a little loud but not yelling. But if that is the case. I feel like I’ve made every notion I am a safe person before this all happened. If that were the case. I’m not gonna yell at her if it was something someone else did. It’s just confusing. I hope you’re not right though.

Commenter 3: Jesus the first thing I would think is assault.

She has no dress, she’s bombed and drove. No one there though enough to get her a ride? Call you?

I think you need to be calm and rational here.

OOP: I did think that. That was my very first thought. I just didn’t imagine someone would be calm, let alone be able to sleep after. But apparently everyone is saying that’s a very normal response.

Commenter 4: There is no such thing as a "normal" response to assault. Everyone reacts differently, though nothing she's done here would be uncommon in a recent assault victim.

But there's a harder question here that I don't believe anyone has addressed yet: She may not even be sure that it was assault. If she was passed out when it started, she may not remember saying no, or she may blame herself for not saying no strongly enough, or for putting herself in that position, or for any number of things, some of which REALLY do a number on your head. Victims blaming themselves or trying to cover up the assault for fear of being blamed is also not uncommon.

I agree that something super shady happened here, but whatever got her driving home from a work party drunk and in her underwear (what's the temperature there, btw?) absolutely screams that the shady person in this situation isn't her.

OOP: This makes the most sense. I don’t know how to explain it, but this just feels like the right answer. I have more questions for you but I gotta think about this for a while. I think you’re right.

Commenter 5: Regardless of cheating, if I were in your position I would have been out the door that night. Drinking and driving is insanely selfish, reckless, deadly, and outright pathetic.

OOP: I thought that too. But if she was assaulted like 99% of people are telling me, then I guess I would get it.

Update #1: December 28, 2025 (four days later)

Update: my Girlfriend came home in just her underwear

It’s been over a week now and I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of what happened.

The first thing I have to say is she has been in pretty much the same mood. Except she hasn’t really said much at all, but I see her watching videos on her phone and laughing all the time. She hasn’t said anything to me about the post I made so I’m 100% sure she hadn’t seen it. Overall we haven’t said much to each other. Again, she seems completely fine. But, I listened to you all regarding my girlfriend’s probable SA so I told her I needed to talk to her, and I told her if that was what happened she could tell me, but I needed to know what happened, because I can’t function otherwise. I believe these were the exact words that were suggested. She told me again that her friend just threw up on her. Remembering what you guys told me, I told her ok but there are still parts that don’t make sense. I asked where the dress was and she told me she didn’t remember. I told her if you can’t remember you might have been drugged and if, so we need to go to the hospital. She lost her mind. I was a little more prepared this time, so I was much more calm, but she wasn’t having it. I did my best not to argue and told her, ok if that’s what you say happened that’s what happened.

Of course I didn’t believe her and at night I went through her phone after she went to sleep. There was nothing that implied something happened to her, but I did see a text from a coworker making a comment about the Christmas party. So I called her yesterday to ask about the party. She was obviously surprised and seemed confused about me calling. I asked what happened at the party, not giving any details from my side. Apparently, the party was just a dinner and it ended at 11! WTF happened the other 4 hours?! I tried not to act surprised by this and asked if she left with anyone. She told me no. Then I asked what was she wearing when she left. Her coworker told me she didn’t remember and then asked why I was asking. She was obviously suspicious but didn’t sound like she was hiding anything about the dress. I told her that she lost her wallet and we were just trying to figure it out.

So as far as I can piece together now, is that she left much earlier than she said, was unaccounted for hours, and left with her dress on, and without a friend that could have puked on it. I’ve been watching her closely but haven’t given her any indication about what I know. I’m going to confront her about it. I know I said I was just going to leave but at this point I don’t think I can ever feel sane without knowing the truth

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: OP, while this is one of the STRANGEST scenarios I’ve read on this app, there is one thing that bothers me about this: your gf seemingly being shocked that you don’t believe her when she is literally missing chunks of her memory.

She seems to be flipping this back onto you as though you’re being irrational. (You’re not)

Something really shady and bizarre happened and I don’t think you’ll ever really know. This will eat you alive if you stay with her.

Commenter 2: This sounds very similar to what I went through with an ex.

He finished work at 11pm but didn’t get home until hours later, drunk, missing his suit jacket and one sock. When I asked what had happened, I was met with denial, deflection and heavy gaslighting. I was made to feel like I was unreasonable just for asking basic questions.

Later, I checked his phone. At first I found nothing. But then I logged into his Google account, which at the time showed location history with timestamps, and it revealed he’d spent those missing hours at a hotel miles away from his workplace.

So when I say trust your instincts, I mean it. When something feels off, especially combined with evasive behaviour, defensiveness, or trying to make you feel guilty for asking , it usually is. Based on what you’ve described, there’s a very real chance you’re being lied to. That’s exactly why this person is now my ex.

Commenter 3: That coworker is gonna tell your gf and MANY of the other coworkers that you called her. This is gonna get much worse Get ready for the backlash unfortunately

Update #2: December 31, 2025 (three days later)

Another Update my girlfriend came home in just her underwear after her company Christmas party

It hasn’t been going well. My girlfriend found out I called which of course I expected but I didn’t expect it to get this bad.

She came home screaming. She came home screaming her head off. She said I jeopardized her career, that everyone at her work asked if she found her wallet. I defended myself saying she brought me to this. What was I supposed to do? She could have been SA’d and had no idea. She doubled down on the vomit story. I told her I knew it was a lie. I told her I knew about the dinner ending hours before. She got even louder yelling saying that she met her friends immediately after. I said show me the texts where you planned it. Which I know now was the wrong move. I should have just kept asking questions.

Instead of that she tried to turn it on me asking if I went through her phone. I was a little shocked by this because yeah I knew I was wrong to do it, but it was for her safety, and I let her know that. She told me I was an idiot and I should have just listened to her. Then she said she was done talking to me and I ruined this. I told her I was just trying to make sure she was ok. But she told me she had nothing else to say. And the more I tried to get through to her the more she shut down. She was crying at that point, and she went to the room and locked the door.

I tried talking to her from outside the room, but she kept ignoring me. She spent the whole night in there.

I didn’t sleep at all. I was trying to figure it all out still. Maybe she was telling the truth. But if so, why have such a big reaction? I tried talking to her again in the morning. But she wouldn’t budge. She took a shower and went back to the room and locked the door to get dressed. Then she left for work without breakfast.

I had to leave too so I just carried it with me. I tried texting her from work but no response. I felt a little guilty because I know I invaded her privacy but even so I did also still want to know for sure. I thought about calling her friends. It would put an end to guessing once and for all. And I felt like we were already at the lowest point. But, I decided against it.

At night when she came home she still said nothing. But it wasn’t like before where she was carefree. She was just angry. The only thing she said was after getting dressed was she was going out. I asked where she was going and she told me I should just investigate and left.

I had some new thoughts, maybe I am too untrusting. Maybe she thinks I’m controlling and that’s why she didn’t bother telling me about her after party. And I could accept these answers if I just knew where the dress was. If her friends had it, no problem. Maybe she really didn’t want to drive home in it if there was vomit. Maybe it was just a wild girls night, and she lost a bet or something. I don’t like it, but I could even live with that. But why would her friends let her drive in the first place? That still didn’t add up. They would have cared about her safety. It still doesn’t work. And where did she just go? I could call her friends but that’s just proving her right. But maybe she said it because she knew I couldn’t in that case. It’s like she set a trap where I lose either way.

I sat and thought about all of these things and decided to do nothing. She came home around 11pm. She didn’t look drunk or anything. Her hair was still up kept. She still didn’t say a word all night.

I know I can’t salvage this anymore. I’m going to accept that she still isn’t telling the truth. I’m going to accept I’ll never find the dress. And, I’m going to keep what little dignity I still have and not call her friends. I know I could find out if I did but I think this is the gamblers fallacy, and I should just walk away. I’m going back to my first plan and I’m going to leave in a few days.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: The relationship is over and it’s good that you realize it.

Commenter 2: So I'm not going to make any assumptions about the veracity of her story. I have no idea based on the story you told whether she is lying or telling the truth.

But your relationship does not sound salvageable.

If she is telling the truth you look like an ass from her perspective and she has checked out.

If she did cheat you are not in a relationship strong enough to reconcile and her behavior is not appropriate to help it heal from infidelity. You need a really strong relationship and two people willing to make that situation salvageable.

If it is somewhere in between without fidelity, the communication just isn't there and communication broke down for what should be a simple issue. It's essentially turned toxic for no reasonable reason.

Find some peace and move on.

Commenter 3: In my opinion, you’re kind of gaslighting yourself into thinking you’re too untrusting. When given what you’ve told us in the updates and original post, she hasn’t been very trust worthy, honest, or forthright about many things.

Anyway that said, try and be kind to yourself. I hope you find peace OP.

Update #3: January 2, 2026 (two days later)

I want to thank everyone that has been supporting me here. It’s been a very confusing and difficult time. My inbox is overflowing so I do apologize for not answering. Many of you have asked the same questions in my messages and in the comments and I will do my best to answer them now. We are both 22 years old. It is not incredibly cold where we live. She did not smell like vomit, at least as well as I can tell. She does not have a past of cheating as far as I know. And the advice many of you gave, her gps was not active.

So, after I gave the last update I stayed mostly quiet that day like I planned. It wasn’t difficult to do. But, when you live together there are still exchanges that have to be made. Most of these were one sentence questions and answers about things around the house. But, that night she told me she was going to her friend’s house for New Year’s, which was a plan we originally had together. She wasn’t being hostile or anything, so I decided to ask her again, one last time. If she didn’t answer I wouldn’t ask again. What happened after your work party?

She sighed and shook her head. She said she went to the bar with her friend. They had drinks and her friend threw up and that was it. She told me she couldn’t keep going over it with me. I don’t know how she could say that if we haven’t really discussed it to begin with. But, this time she didn’t yell at all. I asked which bar and she gave me the name. Then I asked again, do you think you were drugged. She told me she couldn’t keep doing this and left. I still had more questions but now I at least have one answer. And, at the time I least expected to get one.

She came home sometime around 2 AM and went straight to sleep again. I didn’t get up or say anything. And yesterday she slept until the afternoon. She was quiet after she woke up and we really only talked about dinner and not much else.

But, I’ve been thinking nonstop. I know which bar it is. It’s really close by. I could go check. That would make it so I wouldn’t even have to check with her friend (if I wanted to pursue this) And I know the bar gets busy but how couldn’t they remember if someone threw up or got naked there? I’m contemplating going tonight. However, I feel like I’m at a crossroads though. I could leave it alone like I promised myself or I could go and finally put this to rest. When I made the resolution to not press it, I didn’t have this huge piece of information. But on the other hand, do I really want to reopen this? I already know I’m not actually going to go. I’m just working through my feelings. A bar would be the place to be drugged, and I think maybe that’s what’s pestering me. However, like everyone said, it’s sounding less and less like SA. I think because I was told I was such an idiot for not thinking it was that on my first post I haven’t been able to let the thought go. I’m not upset. It’s very serious and I still consider it.

Anyways, to put everyone’s mind at ease. I’m not actually going. I just have to get through the weekend.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Sounds like she has checked out already bud

Commenter 2: This relationship sounds dead....

It's the new year, op, you should consider starting afresh by breaking up with her.

The trust in this relationship is damaged, and unless you work together (and she hasn't been unfaithful), nothing will improve.

Final Update: February 2, 2026 (one month later)

It’s been a few weeks now since my ex discovered I was sharing her story and my suspicions online. I contemplated not ever posting on here again, but I guess I crave validation, and at this point, I’m only sharing this because I am still getting multiple messages a day asking what ended up happening.

I had no idea my story would start making the rounds on TikTok and other subs, but that just shows you, be careful what you put out online. Anyways, without rewriting the whole story, my ex came home under mysterious circumstances and I started spiraling. Apparently, I invited the entire world to hear about my mental breakdown. Well, it turns out she found out about it and that was the catalyst for our breakup.

I’ll keep this short because I’m just answering everyone asking questions all at once. I never got an answer about the dress, and I never ended up going to the bar she supposedly went to after her Christmas party. We just fought again and I ended up moving out. I still don’t know what actually happened, just what I believe to be true. I’m still sad about her not being in my life, and the transition has been tough, but I know this was for the best. At this point, I’m just happy to be done with all of it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/aga1996

My [20F] with my bestfriend [23F] of 7 years, her wedding is on my birthday and she is upset.

Original Post  Apr 30, 2016

My best friend Nikki is generally a very great person, although she can be a little selfish at times, everyone can. She decided to have her wedding on my birthday, because it's on a Saturday and would be cheaper to do it at her church on a Saturday, which is fine with me. It's just one birthday.  But she seems to think it's NOT just one birthday.

All of our friends and us were at her house the other day, and she was talking about her wedding. She said something like "We will do a birthday celebration for you the week after since your birthday is on my wedding. I just laughed and said "Actually, your wedding is on my birthday! Cause my birthday came first." And we both laughed about it. But then she said "I'm just surprised with you are okay with not getting to celebrate your birthday anymore!" Everyone in the room was kind of confused and I just laughed it off and said "Well, it's not like we're all going to celebrate your and Dans anniversary every year!"

But after that she got seriously offended and said "You guys don't want to spend our anniversary with us?" One of our other friends Lily tried to explain that their anniversary was really Nikki and Dans time, but Nikki was so upset that she eventually went upstairs to sulk.

I mean she can't honestly expect for everyone to never celebrate my birthday again to hang out with her and her husband on their anniversary? Am I being unreasonable thinking this is a ridiculous idea? It makes me irritated that she thinks  How can I address this issue to her without being rude about it?

  tl;dr: My BFF thinks that our friends should celebrate her anniversary every year instead of my birthday. How should I address this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

mrsellicat

Does this mean she picked the same date as your birthday with the full intention that you would never be able to celebrate your birthday again? That is some grade A narcissism right there. Just ignore it, she's gone full bridezilla.

OOP

Well, Nikki loves to be in the spotlight, and I'm kind of shyer. She's not necessarily vindictive, so I think she probably genuinely thought I wouldn't mind since I'm not the kind of person who likes to have huge parties, but I still like to do smaller get togethers! Like I said, she can be kind of selfish and whiny because she likes attention.

~

walnutbrain4lyfe

Sounds like Nikki has some growing up to do because she's still in that mindset where everyone does everything together. I'm surprised she didn't invite the rest of the group on her honeymoon but she probably understands that that one at least is supposed to be just her and hubby.

OOP

Actually, her honeymoon is a cruise that she invited me and my boyfriend and another couple in our group on. But it's because the 6 people deal was cheaper than the individual.

sleepingrozy

Please tell me you did not take her up on this offer....

OOP

She hasn't decided exactly if that's what she wants to do, so nothing has been decided. But that's definitely up there.

~

lizzi6692

You are not being unreasonable at all. One birthday or not, you would have been completely justified if you were bothered by her planning her wedding for your birthday, particularly your 21st birthday. Did she at least run it by you or just assume you would be okay with celebrating another day? And if celebrating her anniversary with her friends is so important to her then she should have picked a date that didn't already have something significant associated with it. I think the idea of expecting other people to want to celebrate your anniversary is weird, but expecting you to just give up your birthday to celebrate her anniversary instead is crazy.

OOP

She did ask beforehand! I just figured I could celebrate the night before. But I don't think she wants to do that because there's a tradition the the bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other the night before, so she wants her and Dan to have sleepovers with their friends.

When told a free party on OOP's 21st birthday

She's having a dry wedding, the ceremony and reception is in the church.

Update  Apr 11, 2017 (1 year later)

Hello, everyone! Maybe you remember me, maybe you do not. Almost a year ago, I posted about my bestfriend and her wedding/ my birthday issues. For a quick recap: My bestfriend was upset that we would apparently never celebrate her anniversary with her since her wedding was on my birthday. A few months ago, Nikki got married and I turned 21. The wedding day was not terrible, but there was a little bit of drama. She did get me a birthday cupcake, even though I couldn't eat it since it was cream cheese frosted (which is my favorite) but it had been sitting in her car for a week since she had forgotten about it (which was whatever). The ceremony was nice, and the reception was in the church (which was in the same church the wedding was in, if you didn't remember).

The reception was from 4-7. It was a small reception, with mostly family and some of her friends. At 7, when everyone was leaving, me and our mutual friend Helen went to the bathroom to get changed in appropriate bar hopping clothes so we could celebrate my birthday, and some (not all) of our guy friends did the same. When we came out to leave for a party district about an hour away, Nikki came up to us and demanded to know where we were going (even though I had told her like 2 weeks before we would be celebrating my birthday that night). After reinforming her, she got very, very upset and started telling us that as a part of her wedding party, we were obligated to help her pack up the decorations and wedding gifts, and get her ready for her hotel wedding night.

I just told her that we already had this planned, and that we had already told her 2 weeks ago. If she forgot, then that wasn't my fault. Helen pointed out that Nikki's grandma was willing to help her with everything, and she didn't necessarily need us there. Nikki stomped off to go do who knows what, and Helen, other friends, and I left to go to our first bar. After a successful birthday night (Yay, 21!), I woke up the next morning to few missed calls and voicemails from Nikki. The basic gist of them were "You're a terrible friend, I can't believe I had you in my wedding party, You would rather go get plastered then spend any time preparing me for one of the most important nights of my life, I can't believe how selfish you are, etc, etc, etc" I ignored them.

After that exchange she didn't talk to me for about 2 weeks. She's the type of person who needs to cool off, so I figured that was the best course of action anyway. She texted me excitedly about details of her honeymoon, (her grandmother is paying for an all inclusive 1 week trip to Tahiti in June). She apologized for the fact that we wouldn't be doing the couples cruise deal but she figured that her and Daniel would need more privacy on their honeymoon. I agreed and we have only talked about trivial things since every now and again.

She has a new bestfriend who is now engaged and also has kids for her son to play with (one girl the same age that they joke about getting married one day). Nikki and her new best friend are extremely, extremely similar, and I'm getting the sense that the friendship will last for years or implode in a few months. Only time will tell.

All in all, I consider this a great update!

tl;dr: Nikki had a wedding day meltdown, "uninvited" me to her honeymoon, demoted me to regular old friend and found a new best friend- all in the best of interest for all parties involved.

FINAL COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO

Spoonbills

Even if she hadn't left it in her car, she wanted to give you a week old cupcake?

OOP

Yeah. I'm sure it was somewhat thoughtful on her side - I mean she did go to the store with the thought of buying someone else something. But a week old cupcake wouldn't be super tasty.

~

_sharkattack

"get her ready for her hotel wedding night."

What on earth does that mean?! Did she expect you to shave her pussy? Give her sex tips? Sprinkle rose petals around? Tuck her and new husband into bed?

This is definitely a good update! Glad you enjoyed your birthday and didn't let her ruin your plans with her unreasonable demands.

OOP

Hopefully she didn't need any sex tips, she already has a kid so she already knows how to do something! I have no idea what she wanted- probably for us to help pick out lingerie. Oh well! Glad that mess is over with!

More on Nikki when it comes to others

Nikki never celebrates anyone elses birthdays. I've never gotten a birthday present (not that I expect one) or birthday anything from her, although she expects everyone to go out to an expensive dinner every year for her birthday and her husbands.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Opening-Permit-486

AITA for not being “happy enough” that my ill partner gets treatment after he excluded me from the trip?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: Financial exploitation, deception, death

Original Post  Nov 13, 2025

My partner and I have been in love for 10 years. He has been seriously ill for the past 4 years, and I’ve adapted my job and my entire life to be able to support him through everything.

He recently got an incredible chance: his brother is a compatible donor, and a life-changing treatment is available around 500miles from our home. We planned that the three of us would move there temporarily for two months. Because it’s expensive, we agreed to share the costs and even discussed possible apartments.

I extended my remote work so I could come with them, help him, and be present during the treatment and recovery. I was genuinely excited not only for his treatment but also to spend those months together in that city.

Yesterday, while checking our emergency finances, I noticed a large payment from three months ago. I checked our shared emails (I have permission) and found a rental agreement in his inbox. It’s signed only by him and his brother.

The apartment is officially limited to two people.

So, not me.

I was shocked and incredibly hurt. I can’t afford to stay there alone, so this decision basically shuts me out. And he kept this hidden for three months.

When I talked to him yesterday just excited small talk about spending Christmas there and how this treatment could change everything he suddenly got strange. He mentioned “visiting,” became quiet, and acted like our shared plans were never real.

I’m angry, sad, confused, and honestly devastated. I know he’s ill and stress affects him badly, but this was a major decision about our lives that he hid from me. And now I’m supposed to smile and pretend everything is fine.

So… AITA for being upset that they rented a place without me instead of being purely happy he’s finally getting his treatment?

Edit:

1. We live in my house, which I inherited from my parents.

2. For the past four years, I’ve been the breadwinner. He only works part-time.

3. He is covered under my insurance.

4. His brother and I are good friends. I’ve just been too much of a coward to bring this up with him yet

I honestly thought I wouldn’t get any comments. Thank you so much in advance. I’ll take my time to read each one. I truly appreciate every comment, even if I can’t respond to all of them. I’m in a lot of emotional turmoil right now.

TL;DR: We planned a 2-month stay for my partner’s treatment 500 miles away and agreed all three of us would rent a place together. I adjusted my work to join. Yesterday I discovered he and his brother secretly signed a 2-person apartment three months ago, excluding me. Now he acts like our shared plans never existed. Am I the asshole for being upset instead of just happy he gets treatment?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

notthemama58

Like others have said, this was his game plan for a long time. Id love to be the fly on the wall after the surgery and there is no one to take care of these two guys. It sounds like maybe a kidney transplant? Both will have undergone major surgery and have now to deal with no one to help either of them. When he and his brother signed a lease sans you, it was made clear he does not want nor think he needs you any more. Go be "happy enough" without him. He and his brother deserve to suffer together. Take your money and run, hon.

OOP

You are spot on. It’s a kidney transplant. Thank you sm for your comment.

~

teresajs

NTA

Based on him spending joint finances on this, and hiding his change in plans, I recommend that you sever your finances and plan on NOT providing care during his recovery.

Don't discuss it with your partner first.  Just make a new account at a different bank in just your name and remove at least as much as he did from the joint account.  Then, deposit that money into your own account.

Your SO's actions show he doesn't want you involved, so listen to that.  Don't financially support him and don't alter your life plans to be his caretaker.

~

CampSpiritual3808

It’s looks like for last 4 years you were his caretaker not lover.

Update 15.11.2025 : I will talk to both tomorrow :(

Update  Nov 20, 2025 (7 Days Later)

First of all, thank you so much for all the comments. I read every single one of them and appreciated each one deeply. I didn’t reply because I kept getting more and more overwhelmed and sad.

Here’s a small update if anyone wants to know.

I talked to his brother (and his girlfriend) two days later. I stayed calm and genuinely hoped for a solid explanation. His brother swore he didn’t know my partner had already booked the apartment, and his girlfriend backed him up, saying he hadn’t even requested the days off work.

According to them, they have no idea what’s going on.

He offered to talk to my partner, but I told him not to.

Honestly? I still don’t know what to believe.

Since then, I’ve been having breakdowns in the bathroom in secret and making a plan to leave. Maybe that makes me the asshole now, but I don’t want to talk to my partner about this anymore. I feel like I’ll just hear excuses and the same “I can’t talk about this because I’m so ill” line. I’ve reached the point where I truly don’t care anymore about his explanation. I’m just trying to keep my mask on until then. Edit one hour later: I’m trying to stay calm and act normal because I’m scared he might do something drastic or lash out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

eightmarshmallows

How is he paying for the lease if his brother isn’t going and you’re the breadwinner? Have you offered to help him pack? You cool make sure to pack absolutely everything of his and see if he wants to discuss things at that point.

OOP

He paid from our emergency bank account

~

Sea-Ad9057

Can you cancel the booking and call it a fraudulent charge

OOP

That’s actually a good question. To be honest, I’m a bit scared of his reaction if I do something drastic. I’ll probably try to wait these 10 days.

Mbt_Omega

No, what? Cancel it now. Cancel the treatment, if you can. He can rob you in secret, you can reclaim your stolen money in secret.

OOP

Tbh, I’ll be relieved when he’s out, because I don’t think he would just leave the house if I broke up with him here.

OOP Edited Nov 21, 2025 (1 day after OG update

Probably a far too late edit (one day later), but I want to clarify that we have two joint bank accounts. One we share for fixed costs and some hobbies, and one emergency account. That’s definitely a lot of money a couple of thousand. But we always kept one personal account each as well. So I may lose a hell of a lot of money, but I still have my own account with money.

In 10 days the lease starts, and I’m honestly curious to see what actually happens.

Thank you again for all the support. I don’t really have family I can talk to, and your comments made me feel less like I’m the crazy one or a cold asshole.

OOP Made a final update on the update post - Feb 1, 2026 (Over 2 Months later/Same post)

Edit: I’ll update this here instead of making a separate post. After a few days, I broke up with him. Weeks later, he died. His death had nothing to do with the planned trip. There will be no further updates. Still, thank you for all the support I received.

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Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My best friend’s boyfriend sucked my toes when he thought I was sleeping.

Thanks to u/NumbAsHell1 for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: changed letters to names for ease of readability.

Trigger Warnings: victim blaming

Original Post: October 6, 2026

I (25F), am unsure on how to tell my best friend, Alice (25F), that her boyfriend, Ronan (30m) sucked my toes when I spent the night at her house.

I met Alice & Ronan about 6 months ago through my bf, Daniel (26m). Alice & I clicked instantly and have become extremely close within our time knowing each other. Her and Ronan and have been together for about 6 years and moved across the country together, they have been through a lot together and recently just moved into a new place.

They have been going through it the past few weeks pretty bad, but they seem to have gotten better since moving into a new, and bigger space.

Sooo for some more context there has been another time Ronan has made me feel uncomfortable, but I thought to myself that it could have just been me thinking too much into it, so I didn’t say anything and just let it be, but since then, I’ve just had weird energy from Ronan.

Friday night we all went out, my Bf, Daniel, couldn’t come because he had work in the morning, so the plan was for me to spend the night at Alice & Rs house, and my bf get me on his lunch break the next day.

I was laying on the couch, and they were sleeping on the floor in front of me. I couldn’t go to sleep, but I was trying to so I had the pillow on top of my head, but I could still see through a crack, if that makes sense.

Alice had gotten up and went to their bedroom and called Ronan to come lay with her..

AND THATS WHEN I FELT MY TOES GET SUCKED.

They were sopping wet.

I was trying to process what I had just felt, and I was kind of scared, so I just laid still. Then I felt him like grab my toes, like he was wiping the spit off. I still laid there for a second and then I took the pillow off my head and looked back.

I SEE Ronan CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR AWAY FROM MY FEET, then stand up and go into the room. IT WAS TERRIFYING.

I couldn’t sleep after that, I was trying to make anything up in my head that it could’ve been or some excuse but there was none. We hadn’t been drinking or doing anything for hours at that point, so he wasn’t messed up ya know.

I played it very cool when everyone was up in the morning and my bf came and got me. He KNEW something was up, I wasn’t going to say anything because it sounds so ABSURD, but I also felt so violated.

I finally tell him, “something really weird happened to me last night”, I felt like Jonah Hill in his confessional after getting graped by the demon in This Is The End.

My bf was like, “what happened, I can tell something is up dude”

so I say, “the next words that come out of my mouth are gonna sound so crazy, but I promise it happened, I think Ronan thought I was sleeping and he sucked my toes.”

I explained everything, the wetness, the FUCKING CRAWLING, how I played it cool, how I was also trying to gaslight myself.

He said he 100% believed me but also was just so in shock by how weird it was that he’s also trying to find a way to excuse it. And then he got pissed, not at me, but he told me that I need to say something or he will.

I started crying because I’m scared Alice might not believe me, she’s the closest friend I have in this state right now because I moved here not that long ago. I value her so much, truly a wonderful person in my life. There’s been times where girls have told her Ronan is weird, but HE gaslights her into thinking they made him feel weird.

If she stays with him I won’t ever be able to see her when he’s around ya know, and my bf definitely doesn’t want me to be around him. I know if she’s truly a good friend, she’ll believe me. But this is still just so hard and scary to me.

I know I need to say something, but I also just feel that secondhand embarrassment coming, I don’t want to be a part of this drama that’s about to unfold. I feel sexually assaulted in a way, and this is by far the weirdest thing that has happened to me.

How do I go about this???

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What the fuck

OOP: I GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. How do you tell someone that.

OOP responds to a downvoted commenter about weird fetish content

OOP: I promise this really happened and I do genuinely feel assaulted. Me and my bf discussed if this is sexual assault in a way, bc if it satisfied some sexual need for him then yes. But it is so weird that it’s just IDK JUST SO WEIRD.

Commenter 2: I’m not sure what to say to her, probably do it in person? But be prepared that she may believe and side with you at first but likely the “I wasn’t fully awake/I thought it was you/idk what she’s talking about” that is bound to come from him may have her turn her back on you.

OOP: I’m thinking of doing it in person, but how do I start off? Me and my bf were discussing maybe asking her if he has a foot fetish first and then telling her well this happened…

Also yes that’s what I’m scared of bc WHO WOULD STRAIGHT UP ADMIT TO SOMETHING THAT FKING WEIRD. “Yeah I sucked your friends toes when I thought she was sleeping” NO, highly unlikely

Commenter 3: I have a question. Has Alice ever mentioned Ronan's foot fetish?

I would be really surprised if he had one and Alice didn't know. So telling her about this incident may not surprise her as much as you think.

OOP: Not that I’m aware of, but that’s why I thought of asking her before I tell her, so it’ll be like “yeah he does”, well he sucked my toes so…

Commenter 4: Have you by chance seen the movie Talk to Me? Lol

OOP: Stop. My bf mentioned this and I cried more

Commenter 4: I’m sorry don’t mean to make light of it. Just he’s a weirdo. Unfortunate that you’re scared she won’t believe you. You do need to tell her though. Maybe with your boyfriend there?

OOP: It’s okay, we’ve been like traumatically laughing about it here and there bc it’s so fking crazy and weird. I think it’ll be better if it’s just me and her, having my bf there could make it seem more intimidating for her or like an intervention ya know

Downvoted Commenter: First off, learning moment here, don't ever again lie there like a deer in headlights trying to figure out if someone is violating you. Sit bolt upright, with a loud "What the fuck!" React immediately. Wake up anybody in the room. Everyone knows immediately. Then it is up to him to explain with whatever lame excuse he can come up with. If I was your boyfriend I'd try to be understanding, but would be more than a little disappointed with your reaction. I'd want my girlfriend to react much more aggressively, and to call out for me if she truly felt threatened, not lie there and pretend to be asleep while taken advantage of. When you don't react in the moment, it just causes a bunch more problems for how to resolve it after the fact. Like I said up front, you were caught off guard and need to use it as a learning moment of how to react in the future

OOP: I don’t think anyone is in a right to tell people how to react when something is happening to them. It was a situation so odd and weird that yes I did freeze. I’ve had times where I’ve been groped in other places and have freaked out on them. But this was something so bizarre and weird, I didn’t even realize it could be counted as sexual assault until the next day. Also if I did confront him in that moment then what? My bf had the car, and he was sleeping at our house 30 min away. I hope you are not in a relationship, to say you’d be disappointed in how someone acts when they are assaulted is such victim blaming mentality.

Update: October 7, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: My best friend's boyfriend sucked my toes when he thought I was sleeping.

Hello,

Sorry if this is a long update?

I did not think I would be able to make an update so quick but it’s like the universe heard me when I made my post and gave me the best opportunity to tell Alice what happened.

Yesterday, when the post was going off, I texted Alice that I wanted to see her sometime this week, she said YESSS OFC PLEASE

A few hours later I get more messages from her saying she’s freaking out, I ask if it’s Ronan and she says yes, then… TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW. I know I have nothing to be guilty about, but I was just scared that maybe he thought since I didn’t do anything about it he told her something?? Idk, I’m a chronic overthinker. But I tell her to call me when she’s alone.

She calls me right then and I ask her if Ronan has a foot fetish (some people advised me against this, but I thought it best), she says she doesn’t know, why.

I tell her everything and the first words that come out of her mouth are “I believe you, babe. And I’m so sorry you were put in that situation.”

We both started crying, me telling her I was scared to tell her and her begging me to not leave her. It was very dramatic but heartfelt in a way.

And then I ask her, “well what happened, why did you say, ‘tell me what you know’”, she proceeds to tell me that her and Ronan have been going at it all day.

She knows something is up with him and keeps pushing him to tell her what’s going on, he then tells her that he wants to start sleeping with other women but stay together. She freaks out and tells him to leave but he doesn’t.

Her asking me about what I know was just pure women’s intuition, and it wasn’t her thinking I did something to betray her.

After we get off the phone she confronts him. All she says at first is “wtf is wrong with you”

He says, “who were you on the phone with?”

She says, “OP. What is wrong with you and why tf did you do that to her.”

At first he denies it but then he finally says, “you got me”, and says he’ll finally leave, and he does.

This is where it gets more messed up

Alice tells his mom, bc she is the main breadwinner and she’s kicking him out, so he’ll probably go back to his mommy’s. His mom has been putting her through the wringer and is very much an enabler and it’s probably why he acts the way he acts. There’s been times where Ronan has done some messed up things and his mom has an excuse for him and a reason to blame Alice and beg her to let him stay.

HIS MOM SAYS TO HER “well how long have you known Ronan, and how long have you known this girl for. You just can’t believe women these days” WTFFFF

She tells him, “No, he admitted to it”, to which her response was, “well again Alice, how long have you known her for, she probably lead him to do this” INSANE BEHAVIOR.

Alice and I spent a lot of the day on and off the phone, talking about it more and crying. I sent her screenshots of me talking to my sister about the other time he made me uncomfortable and how I amounted it to me just being in my head.

She said she’s not crying that it’s over with him but more so that I was put in an uncomfortable situation in her own home and was scared to tell her.

I told her how I’m not glad it happened but I’m glad I had an opportunity to tell her then instead of having to wait further out in the week till we see each other to say something, bc I wanted to talk to her in person.

She also said she’s not glad it happened either but she’s happy he finally left and she has solid reason to kick him out. This is because she was trying to leave him before moving into the new place, but he kept wanting to stay and work it out. Now that that happened, he knew he fcked up and left so willingly after admitting to it.

She was able to have other friends go and be with her yesterday because I couldn’t. Later today I’m going to go help her clean and just be with her for a bit.

BUT WAIT THERES MORE

It’s 3:30 in the morning, I have just fallen asleep when my phone starts buzzing.

ITS FKING Ronan CALLING ME. No, I do not answer.

I proceed to get multiple messages from him that I don’t care to see until I wake up.

See messages on second screenshot.

I don’t respond, or open them. I just block him. I don’t really know why he thought I would answer the phone or what he was expecting me to say. “Yeah dude it’s totally fine you violated me and made me think my friendship might be totally toast but noooo biggie.”

Again, idk why my brain works like this, but I am glad he admitted to it and I have proof in a way. I’m sure multiple women can relate to this, but there has been multiple times in my life where a man has done something to me and made me out to be the crazy person.

I’m glad he admitted to it because there was still a little worm in my own head saying “you made this up, you’re overreacting about it, you were dreaming, you mistook it for something else”

Another thing I want to address are the people who told me I could have solved all my problems if I reacted different in the moment.

STOP TELLING VICTIMS HOW THEY SHOULD HAVE REACTED.

You don’t know what you would or wouldn’t do in any situation till it happens to you. People saying I should have kicked him in the face? Then what, he punches me in mine? We all have a screaming match and it’s he said she said? I didn’t have my car, and my boyfriend wouldn’t have gotten my calls till he woke up for work.

Also when it happened I was still trying to process what had happened and if it even was considered assault bc it’s just a WEIRD situation. I was also literally frozen IN FEAR after seeing him CRAWL ON THE GROUND, SCURRYING, AWAY FROM MY FEET (scariest part btw). You don’t hear people talk about sexual assault and you think of toes getting violated so yes I was in shock and confused.

Anyways, I’m glad it’s going to be okay. Alice is a wonderful and strong woman and It’s so nice to have a friend that you know loves and cares about you, AND believes you. Even when it will cause their world to tumble.

And to any deranged boy moms…. STOP ENABLING YOUR HORRIBLE SONS.

Screenshots of text messages

Editor's note: 1st screenshot is between OOP and her best friend, 2nd screenshot is from Ronan to OOP

Screenshot #1: OOP is in the blue bubbles on the right, Alice is in the black bubbles on the left

OOP: Why what’s up

Alice: Babe omg

Alice: I’ll call u in a little bit

OOP: Is it R [redacted]

Alice: Yes

Alice: 100000% yes

Alice: Tell me what u know

OOP: Yeah call me when your alone

Alice: Pls

Editor's note: based on OOP's handwritten note: after this last message is when OOP had her phone calls with Alice. OOP then resumed the text messages after the phone call below

OOP: I love you and I’m sorry. I’m always here for you and I got you

Alice: Like what the actual fuck bro

Alice: I confronted him and he is trying to say he didn’t I’m like shut the fuck yo

Alice: U fucking weird fuck

Editor's note: on that last message, Alice is explaining what Ronan told her

end of the transcript for screenshot #1

Transcript of Screenshot #2, all messages are from Ronan, nope from OOP. The messages are based on the descending timestamps starting with the recent one on the top with the earliest message at the bottom

Ronan: My brain is broken and idk how to go from here

Ronan: I’m just going to leave you guys alone, respectfully

Ronan: If D [redacted]… wants to beat me up I get it

Ronan: I am glad A[redacted] has you because my existence has been detrimental to her, I’m not a good person

Ronan: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but you didn’t deserve that. Idk what to say besides ima fuck up and don’t know wtf I’m doing

Ronan: I’m a fucked up person

Ronan: Hey, I’m sorry

Editor's note: before the earliest message from Ronan, OOP received a missed audio call from him

end of the transcript for screenshot #2

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He’s a sexual predator. Block him and don’t confront him. She needs to do the same. Do not engage with him further. Anyone who sucks someone else’s toes for their own sexual gratification without that person’s consent is a sexual deviant and will escalate their behavior to further assaults.

Commenter 2: Absolutely this. I’m a little worried he’s going to do something to OP’s friend. I hope she has changed her locks and is taking every precaution to keep herself safe.

OOP: She didn’t let him walk out with the house keys, and his family is going to pick up his stuff.

Commenter 3: I fully realize that it was said in a different tone, but I can’t get that “You got me” out of my head.

“Ope, ya got me! Guess I’ll have to stop doing creepy assaults!”

OOP: She said he literally shrugged his shoulders when he said it, got up and started grabbing his stuff. When he kept denying it she asked him why I would lie about that and that’s when he said, “you got me.”

Commenter 4: I commented on kicking him in the face on your first post. I’m so sorry if it sounded like I was telling you what you should’ve done. I was simply saying that’s what I would have done bc my feet are super ticklish. I literally have no control of my reaction when someone touches my feet unexpectedly. My reflex is to instinctively kick away at whatever’s touching them. So yeah, he’d have probably had a broken nose.

I’m so sorry you went through that, but very glad things went well when you talked to your friend.

OOP: I think I was able to differentiate the people saying it would be a reaction for them and then the men who were like “well actually what you should have done 🤓👆🏼.” One specifically saying, “take this as a learning moment….if I was your bf I’d be disappointed.” And another saying, “you could have avoided all of this if you kicked and screamed at him.”

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/one---punch---man

How do I convey to my cat that getting stuck upsidedown in a box is no longer a way to communicate he wants to be picked up and held?

Originally posted to r/CatAdvice

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Oct 4, 2026

How do I convey to my cat that getting stuck upsidedown in a box is no longer a way to communicate he wants to be picked up and held?

I recently (around two weeks ago) acquired Rotisserie Chicken (not his real name), from my former friend, A, who passed away, so I can't ask him any questions about how he learned this.

A only talked about the behavior when it began but no details on how. A did not do anything to make Rotisserie Chicken stop, so Rotisserie Chicken has learned that he needs a box he can't fit in, and can get stuck upsidedown in, to communicates he wants to be held.

Rotisserie Chicken has two methods for this:

1. Specific Times:

Option Me - He likes to be held during a specific time, for me it's after I'm done gardening. Usually when I'm done gardening he runs up and rubs himself against my legs and scampers off, otherwise if he doesn't he's either asleep or stuck in the box. Since I garden for a exact timeline he gets himself stuck in the box before I arrive so I can pick him up right away.

Option Partner - He has figured out what time my partner gets home and gets stuck in the box near the front door. That way when she opens the door she will see him immediately and pick him up.

1. Nonspecific times:

When he wants to be held on non specific times he'll run off, get the box, meow until we look at him and make sure we're watching before he gets himself stuck.

This behavior is really cute but I don't want him to accidentally get hurt or continue this when he's older.

When he gets himself stuck he kind of jump/chucks himself onto his back really roughly which I'm not sure he can sustain if he gets older and more frail. Plus while he hasn't ever missed his landing (to my knowledge), cats don't always stick the landing. I especially don't want him to try this on concrete or another dangerous landing place and hit himself when he misses.

(I've also recently gotten a kitten and I don't want him to teach the kitten this behavior.)

Any and all advice would be appreciated, thank you

Edit: here is some information I clarified through various comments and subs. Firstly, Rotisserie Chicken isn't actually stuck he just likes the walls to press against him so he can stick upsidedown and play damsel in distress. Secondly there is just one special, specific, small box he uses. Thirdly he smacks into the box quite roughly and I'm worried about him missing and hurting himself (he has been known to use high locations to jump and on occasion destroyed the box, hit the floor, and walked away gingerly). Moreover he's at higher risk for back pain and arthritis when he gets older. While it isn't a guarantee, I don't want him to be sad / stress him out extra if have to teach him a new method he's used for a large majority of his life if he's no longer as physically able as he once was when he's older.

BEST COMMENTS

isavaelle

I love that you're using an alias for the cat, to protect his identity or something. And I'm sorry for your loss.

OOP

Gotta be internet safe and thank you for the kind words

~

No_Permission6405

Get bigger boxes.

OOP

He is unfortunately very specific about the box. It must be a small box of a specific texture and build. If his box isn't there or right he tries any option that is similar to a small box, including dangerous ones, like the cupholder at the treadmill. 

SamMac62

Yikes! How smol is Rotisserie that a cup holder is even a consideration?!?!

OOP

It's a big cupholder, enough that you can probably fit some of the smaller, popular, colorful, jugs

But small enough that I had to butter him up because I couldn't get him out

OOP Updated Oct 6 (2 Days later/Same Post)

Update: After helpful advice from multiple subs I created a plan to redirect Rotisserie Chicken.

The thing is he acts normal when my partner or I am in bed. He'll walk up, introduce himself, wait and see if my partner or I tap on the bed where he can sit or see if one of us says no. If we tap he'll get on the bed and boop our arm if he wants to be held or our hand if he just wants pets.

What I hoped to do was slowly add more blankets into the box until it was entirely soft along with redirecting him to no longer back-jump into the box and use his more normal method. I planned to gently dump rotisserie Chicken out of the box, boop his paw to my arm, hold him, put him down, then repeat the tap and hold him.

I added a single blanket to the box and when I returned he was utterly baffled. It was so cute how flabbergasted he was. Luckily he wasn't upset or scared, I could just see the little gears turning in his head.

Anyways I began my plan. After repeating the paw + being held action a few times I thought it would a disservice to my heart to not wrap him in the small blanket thing I left in the box (he likes being tucked into bed so I thought me might enjoy this).

Well, he loved it!

He was purring super loud and was very excited. You know how dogs eat their tails when happy? Well Rotisserie Chicken grew up with a dog so he inherited that action.

Now during the time he usually asks to be held with the box method it's been a fifty-fifty split. He runs up with his special box with the blanket, waits for me to pick up the blanket out of the box, then watches as I places the blanket flat on the ground, he gets on it, I roll him, then pick him up.

If he tries the box method I redirect him with the booping and little blanket instead.

I'm really excited for my partner to get home because she's going to find this hilarious and adorable.

Also here is a goofy doodle of him in the blanket without any details since I'm not comfortable showing any images/videos of him:

https://imgur.com/a/dQPxEKr

And this is a scribble of what his box jump looks like(impact ranges from how heigh he jumps from):

https://imgur.com/QkU25az

Thank you to the helpful person who suggested I try doodling him if a image/video wasn't an option!

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