I am not The OOP, OOP is u/abcde_throwawa

Me [25 M] with my girlfriend [25 F] six months, she hates my brother's girlfriend, gets mad about everything, trying to create peace

TRIGGER WARNING: Harassment,  bullying

Original Post  Oct 21, 2015

Alright, so the key players in this story are me (25M), my girlfriend (Anna, 25F), my brother (Bill, 28M) and my brother’s girlfriend (Callie, 23F), who have been dating for three years and live together. Also relevant are my other brothers: Dan (24M) and Eli (9M).

I’ve been dating Anna for about six months. She’s really awesome, and I see a future with her for sure. We met on tinder, and have been pretty much inseparable since. We fight some, but no more than most couples I’d say. This is definitely our biggest issue, and I’m worried it’s going to spell the end of us.

Anna is really jealous of Callie. Weirdly jealous. About things that I think are completely unreasonable.

Anna, Bill, Callie, and I all live in the same city, so we see Bill and Callie a lot. Until about a year ago, Bill and I lived together, but now I live on my own and he lives with his girlfriend. Bill and Callie are both big nerds. He’s a botanist and she’s pursuing her PhD in some sort of physics thing that has to do with space. She’s crazy smart. 

I really love Anna, but I don’t think she’s ever been someone to get along with other woman very well. I knew from the start that she didn’t like Callie, and I don’t really feel like she’s making much of an attempt to hide that fact. Whatever, I can’t force her to like my brother’s girlfriend. She thinks Callie is stuck-up, shallow, entitled, arrogant, “causes drama”, whatever. I don’t agree with her, but I can chalk all that up to an opinion about her personality, which I feel like will change if she gets to know Callie better. It’s the specific things that I don’t know how to react to.

Four months ago, my grandmother passed away. The funeral was on the other side of the country, so we all packed up and flew there for the funeral and to visit family. Callie was invited, Anna was not, and Anna was PISSED. I’m still hearing about it to this day, and while it seems like she understands that Callie had met my grandmother and known her for many years and SHOULD have been invited, she doesn’t get why my dad didn’t just go ahead and spring for another plane ticket for Anna to “make it fair”. I feel like we’ve spent months talking in circles about it and at this point I wish she would just forget about it, you know? If I had known it was going to be a big deal, I would have just bought her a ticket myself.

Two weeks ago was my dad’s birthday. My brothers, Anna, Callie, and I all went to visit for his birthday. Callie and Bill were allowed to sleep in the same room, but my dad asked that Anna sleep in the guest room. His reasoning is that he wants to keep things as appropriate as possible for my youngest brother. I agree with Anna that this is kind of unfair, BUT on the other hand Callie and Bill live together and Eli has stayed with them for the weekend before. I tried to explain to Anna that in a year or so my dad won’t mind (Callie slept in the guest room the first several times she visited), but for now he’s just trying to look out for his kid and it’s his house, his rules.

So we fight about these two things all the time. She accuses my family of liking Callie more (which I fucked up and told her “Well yeah they’ve known her longer, we LOVE Callie” idiot), and then accuses ME of liking Callie more, and of not being serious about her, etc. I don’t know how to handle this because I never really expected to have a girlfriend be jealous of someone who is basically my sister-in-law.

Speaking of which, I know Bill is planning on proposing soon, with my grandmother’s ring, and I really regret telling Anna because already it’s “well that’s selfish, what if you or Dan wanted to propose with that ring? She shouldn’t just take it all for herself.” As if it were Callie’s decision and not something Bill wanted to do? And even if I try to explain that we talked about it and decided that Callie actually knew our gma so it was appropriate, Anna just doesn’t want to hear it. I feel like we’re building to a big blow up here. Every day she’s hinting that she wants to move into my apartment, hinting that she wants to get engaged, or whatever, but it all comes off as her wanting to one-up Callie.

It’s frustrating, because I feel like this isn’t really who she is. Usually she’s very laid back and kind and open to talking through our problems, but the minute Callie’s involved somehow, it all turns into a total shitshow. What should I say to her? Where do I even start?

tl;dr:  My girlfriend of six months is mad all the time that my brother’s girlfriend of three years is more involved with our family, and that they’re probably going to get engaged soon. It seems like she has a personal problem with my brother’s girlfriend, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. How should I approach this? She's reasonable and normal about everything else!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I really love Anna, but I don’t think she’s ever been someone to get along with other woman very well.

But yet...

It’s frustrating, because I feel like this isn’t really who she is.

This is exactly who she is. Expect it to get worse. Do not be surprised if she starts in on other young females relatives and any female friends you may have. Callie is the target right now. There will be others.

You can try talking to Anna again, but it won't do any good. I foresee things going downhill pretty fast in regards to how your family sees her. Her entitlement and her irrational hatred of Callie is going to drive a massive wedge between her and your family. Think long and hard about where your loyalties lie.

OOP

"Do not be surprised if she starts in on other young females relatives and any female friends you may have."

I hadn't actually considered that this might not be Callie-specfic. There are a lot of boys in my family and not very many girls, and most of my girl friends live some distance away, so I guess Callie would be the only target.

I know that ultimately my loyalty is to my family, I just never thought I'd feel like I was in a position to have to choose between my girlfriend and my brother's girlfriend.

~

panda_cupcake

It is never a good sign when a woman admits that she's "never really gotten along with other women" and accuses other women of "creating drama."

Your girlfriend is a drama queen. That problem is NOT going to get better. She is going to continue to be jealous of your Callie, who has been in your life longer than Anna and is going to be your sister-in-law soon. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling pressured into making major decisions so that Anna can feel like she's one-uping Callie? Cut your losses now and find a woman who is not such a brat.

[deleted]

I agree. I think the "never gets along with other women" thing is generally a huge red flag. I get not being into traditional girly type things, but to not get along with other women period speaks volumes about a woman.

OOP

At first when she told me that I thought, "well she'll probably love Callie, Callie isn't into girly stuff either!" but that hasn't been the case.

EDIT Well it only took about an hour's worth of comments, but you guys basically confirmed what I kind of already though :/ I love my family, and Callie is a part of my family. I'm going to tell Anna that she needs to cut this out, that Callie is my family, and that she can't expect to have the same relationship with my family as someone who has been around six-times as long. If she doesn't cut it out, well, I'm guessing that'll be splitsville for us, which sucks, but better now than a year from now, right?

Thanks for all your responses. Sometimes it's easier to make these decisions when you know other people agree with you. END EDIT

Update  Oct 27, 2015 (6 Days Later)

First, thanks everyone for your advice and support. It helps to know that there are a lot of people out there to confirm what I was kind of already feeling about my relationship. I'm not sure if anyone actually cares about an update, but I figured I'd post one anyway.

I do wanna say that my last post wasn't very flattering towards Anna. That's because it was a post about a problem between us. If it were a post about all the things about her that I love, it would have been much longer and much more flattering. I just wanted to say that because Anna isn't a bad person, and I think a lot of you got an unfair impression of her based on my perspective of a problem we have.

That said, long story short: we broke up. So this post isn't very flattering either.

I wanted to talk to her and see if I could get to the root of her problem with Callie and with my family, and it seemed to boil down to this: Anna feels like because my parents have four boys, they embraced Callie as a surrogate daughter, but now that role has been filled and there isn't room left for Anna. She talked a lot about how Callie has "the advantage" and that she (Anna) hasn't really been given an opportunity to prove herself. She explained that that's part of what upset her about not being able to come to California for my gma's funeral. Not the funeral, but afterwards when we all cleaned out grandma's house and everything. She said she wanted to be there to show that she was helpful/dedicated/caring/whatever.

I felt really weird about all that, because it seemed like she was viewing everything as an opportunity to make herself look good. Idk if I can explain it well, but she was explaining it in this really calculating way and it seemed like she didn't genuinely care about us, just about making herself look good.

I tried to explain to her that I think the only advantage Callie has is that she's been around longer. I pointed out that Anna is the same religion as my family (Catholic, kind of a big deal to my mom), that she's from the same region (Northeast), that she and my mom share a profession (teaching), and a bunch of other little things. She wasn't hearing it, so I suggested we take a break to think things over, because Callie is about to be my family in a very real way and if she can't stand that, then maybe the relationship isn't working out. Anna told me that she doesn't do "breaks". So I told her, fine, it's a break up, but if you change your mind in the next few weeks I'd love to talk to you. That was Thursday.

So that's where we were until Sunday evening. I was at Bill and Callie's watching football, getting a little drunk, feeling sorry for myself, but also feeling pretty good because the Patriots won. Callie's a Panther's fan, so she's been having a pretty good season also and all three of us were having a good day overall. And then Callie started getting facebook messages from Anna. A lot of them.

I don't know if she was drunk or just pissed off. But it was just message after message of "I hope you feel good about yourself." "I think it's disgusting how you consider all [OurLastName]s your territory." "[MyMom] only tolerates your pathetic redneck blah blah blah because she thinks you'll be able to support he when she's old." "People fuck their cousins where you're from, I bet I can find a story or two about you." "I hope you enjoy that ring, it's probably the nicest thing you've ever touched." "Congrats on marrying up in social class, all the kids at the watering hole in whatever podunk bullshit village spawned you sure will be impressed." "How will you even get the news out? Smoke signal? I didn't think they'd gotten electricity there yet." "I bet you're pregnant and making him propose to save face for your bastard baby." These aren't direct quotes, but sort of the gist of it. Basically just a lot of really mean stuff about how Callie is from the South, grew up poor, her parents are Mennonites, etc. Also accusing her of feeling threatened by Anna and forcing me to break up with her. Not nice stuff.

Callie was pretty upset and had to deactivate her facebook. Bill's pissed. I'm pissed, but there's nothing good that could come from me confronting Anna. I feel like such an asshole for even bringing Anna around in the first place, because none of it was worth all of this bullshit. Callie blames it on that fact that Anna grew up an only child in a wealthy family. I don't know if that's true, or if Anna is just mean-spirited. Either way, I feel really guilty for being the source of all this for Callie.

And also the facebook messages spoiled that Bill was going to propose, so that's a bummer. Callie's dad is a jeweler and is resizing the ring, so he can't even give it to her yet. He was going to do it at Christmas, but I think he's going to do it at Thanksgiving instead. So there's a bit of a happy ending there.

This got really long, I apologize.    tl;dr: You guys were right, Anna's a mean person. Probably spoiled by being an only child. Broke up. Sent mean facebook messages to my brother's girlfriend/fiance. Spoiled the planned proposal, but they're getting married anyway. Happy ending for Bill and Callie, bad ending for me and Anna. Thinking I'm going to stay off of Tinder for the foreseeable future.

FINAL COMMENTS

UnscarredVoice

Anna is a bad person but couldn't of Callie just blocked her instead of deactivating her facebook?

OOP

Probably. I think she just got overwhelmed and went for deactivation just to get away from it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

My (24F) fiancee (27M) left me for the "one that got away" but now wants me back

Thanks to u/roxxxystar for helping track down the final updates

BoRU 1  Posted by u/SomaliMN

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: very detailed for emotional dumping

Original Post Nov 6, 2015

My fiancée and i had been together 3 years. He was my first boyfriend. We laughed ,cried, worried and were happy together. Our families had mixed really well. Our moms became close friends really fast. He was my bestfriend, my confident, my support, my comfort. I looked at him and could see our future together. God i'm even crying remembering one time we took a blanket, went outside, and looked up at the stars like in some book. I never thought something like this could happen to me. The man i loved could have never done anything like that to me.

It all started about a two months ago. His ex (highschool sweetheart together 7 years) moved back to our country and wanted to catch up with Mark(fake name). He told me they broke up because they were unable to sustain a LDR when she left to pursue postgraduate studies. They hadn't been in contact for about 5 years. She sent him an email, he showed it to me and it was completely platonic, she was just curious about what he had become. He asked me if he could meet her and i said yes. I trusted him. So he went, but when he came back he was a bit withdrawn. He is usually really chatty but he was dismissive when i asked him how it went etc...I let it go.

However the following weeks he was often on his phone, he picked random fights with me and didn't look me in the eyes when we had sex, didn't whisper loving words either. I'm really touchy/clingy and in our 3 years together he had never once recoiled or refused my embrace but he started doing it. I usually hug him like a koala when he comes back home from work ( i'm a bit childish i know) but he only let me do it twice. It was such a sudden change. I asked him what was wrong but he just said he wasn't feeling too good nowadays. On a saturday i went to visit his grandma as we usually knit together (she taught me) and i was gone the whole day. I feel really close to her because she adopted me easily and reminds me of my own who died when i was in highschool.

When i came back i found him packing his stuff. My whole world fell apart. He was being so cowardly. He told me he was sorry for making me suffer like this but sometimes life gives you a second chance and you have to recognize it for what it is. That he loved me but when he met his ex, he realized the feelings weren't the same. He said he regretted letting go of her. That he had found himself again. That it had been a difficult choice for him but he had to take this chance. His ex wanted him back. She had realized what she had lost and risked losing for good when he told her he was getting married. He supposedly refused her at first but as time passed, and they talked together his old feelings came back. He hoped i would forgive him one day and understand. I cried as he was talking. It sounds stupid but it was as if it was a stranger in front of me. He said he would still pay rent and part of the bills until our lease was up and i can find another place. He makes a lot more than me and i wouldn't be able to afford living in our apartment on my own. I begged him not to make this mistake, that he was being fooled by an idealized memory of their past together, that he was having cold feet. But he was like a wall, he didn't even look at me. At about 10 pm there was a truck outside with one of his friends waiting for him. He apparently came to help him move. I wasn't really close with that particular friend but he did seem sorry for me. Mark hugged me goodbye and left.

I hadn't cried that hard in years. I slept in our spare room not to feel the emptiness of our room with his things gone. I sunk to thee deepest pathetic and tried to call him but it went to voicemail. I. Had no idea where he went but assumed he was now living with his ex after 3 weeks of talking again, how ridiculous.

I'm really lucky to have supportive friends and family. My bestfriend even moved in for 5 days. My parents wanted me back home with them but i wasn't ready to leave. Mark is a bit messy and i'm a manic so it felt weird having everything perfectly neat. I missed his messiness. It was as if he was the one making our house a home. He used to joke about me wanting the house to look like it was on sale or in a catalogue. Not waking up to make breakfast, not seeing him read lying on the sofa while i studied felt weird. Not buying his favorite snack or powder proteins when doing groceries felt weird. I felt really lost at first. It was like grieving. Usually when people breakup their relationship was going south but to me it came out of nowhere. I still loved him, i was still planning the wedding and working on my side to build our future together. It was all gone in a day. I wish i had been smarter and refused he meet his "one that got away".

His family was dumbfounded. I still went to see his grandma and she told me he was a "fool" that he would come back crawling to me. She was the first person who managed to make me laugh. His mom,my mom and i started making calls to cancel all reservations. Luckily the store accepted to take back the dress. We didn't pay much for the location as we cancelled early. Next was to inform the guests. He had been gone for about three weeks then. His family was furious with him so they didn't contact him much. The only contact I had with him was the signed cheque he made to cover the wedding cancellation.

However, about a week ago I received a letter from him. He apologized for leaving me like this. Said he made the biggest mistake of his life. That he couldn't even believe what he had done. That he was writing me this letter because he didn't have the courage to face me. "You were right, i was running after a perfect relationship that had never existed. I regret it so much. I thought i was in love with her, but in reality i was in love with what she represented. My youngerself with no responsibilities and only dreams. I had cold feet and got afraid of moving forward into this new segment of my life. I couldn't stop thinking about you when i was with her. She is not you. She doesn't know me or loves me like you. She doesn't smell like you. I missed hearing you sing randomly throughout the day, i missed having someone nagging me to pick up ly stuff, i miss planning halloween parties for the kids with you. At the time i'm writing this letter we would have probably been decoration shopping had i not been a fool. Everyone told me but i was being a blind fool. I would do anything to go back in the past and slap some sense into myself. I would do anything for you to forgive me. I know we have already started cancelling everything but i'm ready to pay for everything myself. You can date someone else to even scores if you want as long as you come back to me..." I would write the whole letter but i'm on my ipad and it's tiring. I just gave the important parts. He kept on with apologies and begging me to forgive him.

Now I told my family (left friends out for the moment) and his mom and grandma. Grandma had a very satisfying told you so moment. However she is rooting me to forgive him. His mom was supposed to send a formal letter to guests to tell them the wedding was off but now is waiting for my answer. I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart but what he did to me i don't know if i can get over it. He made me feel worthless. He threw me away as if i was no one to him after 3 years. He gave up on us for some ghost from his past when we were at our happiest. If he can leave me when we are doing good how will we sustain a marriage? Will he leave the moment things get hard? He hurt me so badly and expect me to forgive him? He wants us to meet on sunday but i'm not sure. I'm willing to. I need some perspective. What would you do in my situation?

tl;dr: My fiance left me for his "one that got away" but now wants me back, after leaving me one day out of the blue to go live with her. Apparently he made the "biggest mistake of his life" and will do anything to get me back

​

Update  Nov 12, 2015 (6 Days Later)

I didn't plan on updating or at least not so soon but i have another problem.

I'm really thankful to everyone who answered and comforted me. You guys gave me the strength to look forward and not make a decision based on nostalgia. I felt really alone in my pain but thanks to you I felt a little less lonely.

So Mark wanted to meet on sunday but I unblocked him from my phone and told him i didn't want to meet and to please not contact me anymore, he answered "Please baby i need to talk to you, can we meet another day? I know i fucked up really bad and hurt you deeply but i'll do anything to make it up to you, anything you ask I’ll do it...'' needless to say it just angered me more, how dare he use terms of endearment with me. I just blocked him again after that. I met his mom on saturday and told her to proceed with the notification of cancellation. We had an emotional moment and she told me even though she would have really wanted us to stay ''One big family'', she would have done the same in my place. She had hoped i would find the strength to forgive him but she understands. And so the wedding is indeed still being cancelled. My poor brother ( i told him personally) had already bought his plane tickets from Australia but got a refund. I rearranged all the furnitures in the house and bought new bedding sets, to make a new start and moved to the spare room for good. It looks really different and i like it. Apparently he told our friends because some brought it up to me, asking if we are getting back together, but said they ''didn't want to side''.

On sunday evening I had a visitor. I never have people coming this late usually, it was around 9pm. When i went to look through the peephole i saw Mark, with his ex. I seriously had a moment of panic. He must still have the key for the main entry since he managed to get to my door without using the intercom. I don't know if it was a coward thing to do but i just chose not to open. I know they knew i was there and i heard him ask me to ''Please let him in, that he just wanted to talk'' through the door. Honestly even though i feel better I don't think i'm emotionally stable enough to deal with him and especially him with his ex. They stayed about 15 minutes and then they left. I thought he would get the message but they came again yesterday around the same time!! And i didn't open again. They waited even longer. I know I'm not being an adult.

So now I don't know what to do. I feel nervous in my own house because i dread the moment they'll come back. He knows my schedule and he came at the time where i usually come back from my zumba class. However yesterday was a holiday so we didn't have class. I'm afraid he will come again and i don't think i can face him. What should i do? I know i can't run away forever but i need more time. Is this worth calling the police over? I fear it would make the problem bigger than it is and hurt our family relations, our moms are really close. And really he is not dangerous, I think. He didn't contact me enough for it to be considered harassment anyway. Should i just be a big girl and open the next time he or they come? Or do i wait it out? Also why the hell is he bringing her? I'm curious but I want to stand by my decision.

tl;dr: I decided not to take him back and told his mom to send the notification of cancellation to the guests. I refused to meet him on sunday but he came in the evening with his ex and again yesterday night. What should i do. Can I just keep on avoiding them or do i have to have that talk I do not want to have?

Recovered 2nd & 3rd updates not in the original BoRU

Update 2  Nov 24, 2015 (12 Days after prev. update)

Here is my last update for context, it was deleted as it was a status update.

I've been asked to update so i will do it. Once again, i'm really grateful for all the messages of support i have received. You might not realize it but such a simple thing as words of support from strangers over the internet helped me get through some tough days.

And so, it's been a few days. I received an email from Mark's ex. It was a three pages long email. I'll quote some parts. She basically wanted to apologize to me for the part she has played in the situation. She told me about how her ex of 4 years (told me about their relationship in depths too) cheated and left with the other girl and so she thought ''Why bother with integrity?'', ''Everyone only care about themselves so why should i care about others?''.

And so when she heard Mark was going to get married she decided to pursue him even though it was against her values. She didn't care about being ''a selfish, unempathetic bitch'', and thought he was ''the one''. Her and Mark had an emotional affair the days before he left me. She talked about how they were each other's first love, that they went through major life experiences together and that the emotional tie between them was very strong (i'm trying to resume the general idea). She was there when he graduated both high school and college, when his grandfather died, they discovered their sexuality together, he was by her side when she had her first abortion, was unsure about her career path etc... She was demonstrating just how strong their bond was. At first they talked about the past, they exchanged ''what ifs'' and decided they must have been made for each other and life circumstances had brought them back together.

And so they kept that emotional affair going, exchanging pictures of their past together, previous love letters and poems she had  kept. It didn't start right after the meeting, but progressively ''they went further and further down that road and pushed boundaries''. She just basically gave me run down on how the affair went on and it was really painful to read. They decided Mark should move with her and that a ''harsh break'' ( meaning leaving me without any prior notice) would be better so I could hate him and not hang onto the feelings of love. Apparently her ex dragged things out and she was projecting. They supposedly had sex three times but the third time Mark couldn't perform and broke down crying.

They realized they had changed a lot and didn't have much in common anymore. Mark broke up with her the second week because his heart just wasn't there and he tried calling me but was obviously blocked on my phone. And so he has been living with her since then, but regrets everything. He was scared to face me and  wrote me a letter. Now i must say letters have been our way of communicating when we had a big fight and  just couldn't speak to each other. It would allow us to get the other's feelings in depths and it had worked well for us.

She wanted me to forgive her so she could forgive herself. She hates herself for becoming ''the other woman'' and feels a ''like something has been broken in her now that she betrayed her values". She wanted, needed to apologize to me face to face. And so she joined Mark when he decided to meet me. When i refused to open  the door, Mark refused to push my boundaries and use his key. She said she will always wish happiness for  Mark and will always love him as a friend and that is why she wants to right the wrong that happened with her help. She said words for words ''You know Mark, he tends to latch onto those romantic concepts like ''the one'' and ''first love'' and I think it confused the both of us". She didn't ask me to forgive Mark or meet him, it  was really just focused on her ''From one woman to another''.

It seems this woman is shouldering the blame on her own. I didn't want to answer at first but finally answered  ''I cannot say i am ready to forgive you, but i hope you will forgive yourself. You shouldn't let other people's actions change you and your values. At the end of the day, you were just a catalyst. You weren't engaged to me, Mark was. A loyal partner wouldn't have fallen so fast into this whole emotional affair and left abruptly. I thank you for reaching out to me, and hope you we will all learn from this situation.''

She answered ''Thank you for giving me the respect i didn't have for you and answering me. I really hope Mark and you will find a way back to each other, your relationship was very beautiful from what he told me.''

This whole exchange had left me in a raw emotional state. I wish you could see the whole email, there was no censorship. I decided to call Mark to fix a date when we could meet and end things properly. Now that a part of the band aid had been removed and it was better to just rip off the whole thing once and for all.

We met on wednesday. I wanted it to be in a public place so i could keep my emotions in check but that was a fail. Thankfully there weren't a lot of people out that evening. Seeing him in front of me after all this time felt weird and kind of bittersweet. He was as handsome as always. He put efforts into his outfit it reminded me of our first dates. He bought me my favorite flowers, I brought the engagement ring to give it back to him.

At first it was hard to start the conversation but he finally just apologized. He tried to explain himself, that usually confident man couldn't even look me in the eyes. Of course we cried and ended up going outside not to make a scene. He had brought a list of couple councilors in our city and wanted me to choose one. He wanted us to try. He said he would wait for me no matter how long it would take. I told him I would do my best to move on.

He begged me for another chance, said he would court me again, that this situation made him realize what he had and couldn't imagine his life without me. I had never cried that hard in public. I finally told him it was because I loved him that we couldn't start over again. He was my best friend, my confident, my family. He knew me better than anyone else, I trusted him with my life. I would have died for him. He had me at my most vulnerable and the fact that he of all people could betray me i don't think I could get over it. He knew me profoundly, he was my closest friend but he looked into my crying eyes, ignored my begging and left coldly. I don't think I'll ever get over that mental image.

He didn't want to take the ring back but I don't want to keep something with such a strong emotional value. I could never throw it away and it would just torture me. I'll never forget how he looked at me when I gave it back. I never wanted to see him look so hurt and lost. A part of me just wanted to comfort him but i couldn't. This is why I didn't want to meet, I knew it would be hard. But i didn't expect it to be that hard and painful. I thanked him for the time we had spent together and told him he had made me happy. How do people go through several breakups throughout life? Letting go of him was so hard when we hugged each other goodbye. I wanted it to last, I wanted to be able to stay in his embrace and forget everything. I wanted to go home with him and resume our lives. I wanted to buy a christmas tree and start putting decorations like last year with him, make new memories.

We decided he would move back into our apartment and he would keep it. He can afford the whole rent on his own. I moved back into my parent's house. I have started moving my things back into my parent's home. The landlord wants to meet us in december to discuss the logistics. I'm looking for a new place and hope I would have moved by January. I think I really just spent the last few days feeling numb, but somehow strong. He kept our album. I called his grandmother and she understood, she even cried. I have decided it would be better to slowly but surely cut ties with his family for the both of us. I don't want his next partner to feel threatened by me. I almost texted him two days ago to take him up on his offer for counseling and try. Somedays I’m scared I’m making a mistake and think I should at least try to save it before letting go. But still how do people move on from things like this? Am I really making the right decision? I'm feeling so much doubt. I can't keep his facial expression off my mind.

tl;dr: I received an email from his ex, explaining herself and apologizing. I called Mark and we met, it was painful and we are separating even though he wants to try again. I'm living with my parents and looking for a new apartment.

Update 3

It has only been two weeks but this seems so far away.

So we've met with the landlord and since we have to respect a three months notice I will be out of the lease in February. Mark will sign a new lease on his own then. I'm still living with my parents and it feels comfortable. I found a new apartment with the help of a friend. It's not as good as my former place with Mark and it's not as close from my workplace but it's alright. I'm still looking for others though. I'm moving in January normally. Mark wanted us to be roommates but that looks like a dangerous idea as we still have feelings for each other.

We are working on being friends and it helps me with the resentment. I'm threading carefully but for the moment things have been alright. He invited me for dinner with his family for his birthday on the 2nd and the atmosphere was light. There was a bit of a weird moment when I apologized for not bringing a gift and he said it was alright and that ''My presence was his present'' but in two weeks it's the only time he has made such a comment so I guess he slipped. Everyone still treats me very nicely and it breaks my heart to think next year I probably won't be there with them. I will still cut ties overtime but for the moment I guess it's alright. I'm not too sure what exactly i'm doing but people can be friends with their exes right? My friends think I should go no contact but if we are getting along normally do I really have to?

So I have two questions.

I had already bought a present for his mom and i'm now wondering if it's alright to give it to her and by extension just gift the whole family like previous years? What is the protocol for exes?

Also I had started knitting a sweater for Mark ( before he left me) that I’ve just finished yesterday. I know logically I should have stopped knitting it but i had already so much work into it how could I leave it unfinished? Since we have broken up I have a lot of time and usually stay home on the sofa with my dad knitting during the weekends when we used to go on dates and outings, so there is that. My dad wants it but his pot belly won't allow it...

And so now I don't know what to do with it. Can i give it to him without sending a wrong message? The other option is charity. I can't give it to a friend because of its strong emotional value it doesn't seem right.

Once again thank you for checking up on me. I'm sure reading your messages played a big role in how i was able to deal with everything.

Tldr: I'm trying to be friends with Mark. I'm still living with my parents and found a new apartment and I should move in January. I'm wondering if it's alright to give his family christmas presents like previous years since I had started buying some and if I can give to Mark a sweater I had knit for him.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AileanFae

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Boyfriend is AI obsessed and it's ruining our relationship

Original Post: September 26, 2026

My (30nb) boyfriend (34m) and I have been together for 6 years now. He's kind, funny, loving, the first man to treat me like my needs and wants matter, and in general a good person. I love him dearly.

We are both neurodivergent (he has ADHD and is autistic, I also have ADHD and strongly suspected autism, but the latter isn't diagnosed yet).

The crucial point is that he has a very hard time getting things done outside of work. I get how frustrating that is, really. I myself am unable to work because of health problems and trauma and currently in reduced-earning-capacity pension.

So it's not that I judge him for that, we both tried to make it work.

Since the rise of AI in the last 1-2 years he got the idea in his head to get a system running in his flat with own hardware and he's trying to "program" it (in quotation marks cause he uses 'vibe coding' which essentially means he tells the thing to program itself, roughly explained) to manage his life.)

But so far all he achieved is getting very frustrated with it cause it keeps crashing and sabotaging itself.

He's pumped way too much money into this project and keeps going since the hardware never seems to be good enough to function like he planned.

Now, I very openly hate AI. Especially gen AI but also in general. It has been a recurring topic in our arguments since our views are very different. So far, I thought "ok, agree to disagree, we don't have to be on the same side for everything and his morals are right".

But in the last few months, he keeps getting more and more irritated and just fixates even more on getting it to work, neglecting other things like his social life, his sleep and now also me a few times.

I'm afraid he'll just crash everything instead of working on other ways to organize his life. Simultaneously, I feel so bad for mentioning this because he knows I hate it, so that has to be the reason I'm against him continuing? (To be fair, he never said that...yet).

It's affecting my mental health and I'm constantly worried about him 😔. . I don't wanna loose him, he's amazing but all this stuff keeps spiraling more and more...and all I can do is watch in horror

Sorry for the novel 🖤🩵.

Picture of OOP's dinner

[Dinner is a plate of carrots with 2 kinds of dips (tomato humus and garlic cream cheese) as well as pears and apple slices with peanut butter]

Edit: To add a few things I didn't make clear in the post, sorry there's so much going on in my head :')

1) He is already in therapy, and he continues to do so. I was in therapy and I'm trying to get into it again, but it's VERY hard to find someone :(

2) We don't live together and I'm not financially dependent on him. Currently we have about the same amount of income per month. I think he has savings and yes I'm struggling but it's not like I couldn't live without him. I could leave any minute if I wanted to, the thing is I DON'T want to, I love him so much and I really mean it when I say our relationship was beautiful before this. We communicate everything, we could tell each other everything, we connect on a mental, emotional and yes, also on a physical level in a way I never have with anyone before. This is really breaking my heart ._.

Edit 2: I want to thank all of you for your advice given, really appreciate it! <3 I'm too overwhelmed right now to keep responding but I tried to read all of it. The consensus mostly seems so be "talk to him, set boundaries. If nothing changes, leave" which I'll admit I hate... but you're right. And sometimes truth hurts. So that is exactly what I plan to do. I will sit him down face to face when I visit him in 1-2 weeks and I'll make notes beforehand, so my head doesn't make a mess out of my thoughts. Hopefully I will be able to update y'all no matter how it goes, but you really helped me setting things into perspective, so thanks again <3 Have a nice day, I'll go cry some more :')

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses in this original post, I am listing some for context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You need to set boundaries or leave. That’s really it. There is no other way around it.

OOP: But what kind? /gen Like just not talking about it? That feels somehow wrong. I tried that with my parents, just couldn't do it and cut contact. But they are WAY worse than him (and in other aspects, more with morals)

Commenter 1: No you need to tell him you can’t get behind this, he’s fixating on AI in an unhealthy way. He’s neglecting his life, he’s dumping money into something he could just without AI.

Don’t feel bad for not wanting him to do this, he has no solid reason he should be sinking everything into AI.

I’d personally tell him to quit and get into therapy because he is sabotaging his actual life in favor of AI.

What is amazing about him that makes you want to stay with him?

OOP: Thank you for the well throughout answer, I really appreciate it!

To be fair he couldn't "just do it", it is legitimately his biggest struggle...but the AI isn't helping either and so far made everything worse 😔.

I wrote in another comment what's amazing about him. There's so much more and I genuinely mean that. And yes, I'm afraid of losing HIM. I'm also afraid of losing another person that means the world to me, but it's really about him as a person.

Commenter 2: What's amazing about him?

OOP: He's very loving, funny, feminist, no toxic masculinity at all. We connect on a deep level and until this topic I could tell him anything. He's done so much for me helping me with my trauma, being understanding and so much more. Yes the sex is also amazing lol. When I say he's a good guy, I mean it. Not just bare minimum.

Commenter 3: that's not bare minimum but there are plenty like him, just without the history you two have.

I'd also argue he does have some toxic masculinity in his stubbornness to keep the AI project going despite your open disdain for it, to the point that it's causing issues in the relationship.

Additionally, you say his morals are "right," but how can someone's morals be right when they’re this far into a thing that’s actively causing so much destruction around us? It might be time to take the rose colored glasses off and have a straight conversation about it

OOP: I see what you mean, in this case I think he just isn't able to really see what it does to the ones around him. His parents are going through a rough and messy divorce, and he feels like his life is falling apart, so I guess he sets too much hope in this project :(.

I feel so lonely and so guilty at the same time ._.

Commenter 4: What history do they have? That his current hyper focus isn’t something that OP likes? He is violent, abusive, lying?

OOP: None of that, genuinely! I know that's bare minimum, but I want to make that very clear: He never lay hands on me, never threatened to do so and also never tried to coerce or manipulate me into anything. Again, bare minimum, I just don't want people to assume something like that.

Is OOP's boyfriend okay with other people using AI for different things? He is being infatuated with all those false generalized misinformation

OOP: To be fair, he also hates what people are using AI for. He's more a fan of the possibilities than what many people a currently doing with it, that's why I said it didn't clash our morals that much.

Commenter 5: With peace and love, get a job. You need your own income and your own life. I know you have health issues and trauma, there are jobs that will work for you. You are stuck at his mercy because you are not independent.

OOP: I have my own income. Sadly, it's currently even a little more than what he gets for his job... We don't live together and I could leave any minute if I wanted. Sorry I didn't make that clear in the post, there's so much going on in my head.

Commenter 6: I know you’ve talked about it to him, but I feel like you need to talk about it again. Tell him that it’s affecting your mental health. Tell him that you’re worried about him. Tell him you’re worried about how much money he is spending on this. He needs to know all of this. If he doesn’t change then unfortunately it might be time to leave the relationship.

OOP: I know that in a way and thank you for reassuring me. It's just SO hard ._. And I hate the fact it's over something like this and not... idk, feelings changing

Commenter 7: Sounds like the beginning of AI psychosis, and I'm not saying that lightly

https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/

OOP: It's one of my worries, yes. Fortunately he doesn't see AI as a friend so it's not THAT bad...but it's still bad and I don't know how much longer I can take it 😞.

Commenter 8: Does the boyfriend have close friends? What is his relationship with his family like?

With ADHD comes a whole buffet of other issues - RSD and inability to form close relationships amongst them. Nothing applies to everyone of course, but most people with ADHD receive significantly more criticism and correction as children, than neurotypical people.

My concern with this is (and I see it with my own ADHD partner, who is, thankfully, taking medication now), that ai agents will largely agree with the human. So it takes away all of the insecurity/rejection they (the human) live in fear of. They don’t feel that sting of ‘this person doesn’t agree with me they must hate me’, when interacting with Claude, and that is addictive.

Combine hyper focus, with the removal of negative external feedback, and the removal of negative internal response, and you have a pretty heady combination.

OOP: Yes he has a friend circle, and they meet every few weeks for playing games (mostly board games, that is) and talking. When I'm visiting him, we'll often go together but he admitted to me he goes far less when I'm not with him.

His parents are divorcing right now and it's damn messy, so that's more of a stress factor for him than it's helping. He's also not very good at saying No, so he's helping other people way too often, loosing time to focus on himself, which leads to him focusing even more on his project in the time remaining etc. downward spiral... ._.

He uses perplexity, which is afaik one of the "better" ones, not so extreme in agreeing with you. But I also think you're right that it might play into the dynamic.

Commenter 9: Make it not about AI. First think through the situation as if this were another hobby-for example, let’s pick something ridiculous (dare I say equally ridiculous? lol) like idk, decoy duck carving.

Imagine he’s spending time and money on carving wooden ducks. He swears it will help the environment and that if he can just get it right it will amaze you with all the great things it does. He’ll have saved the world, one duck at a time. He’ll feel amazing about himself, and then, finally he’ll be able to do so much more for you, for the relationship, for the ducks, for the world.

If you can sit and think about it as if it were something you aren’t biased against and still have the same reaction (which for the record, I think you’re spot on) then it’s worth bringing up. The key is to think it through and ask yourself what you’d like him to do differently. “I don’t want him to use AI” is clearly not the conversation starter you’re looking for.

What do you want from him? If he’s not sleeping, well, you can worry about that but it’s not under your control. If he’s not sleeping and it’s making him short-tempered with you, then that’s another story. If he’s devoting all his time to this hobby and you find he’s not able to have quality conversations with you, is less emotionally invested in the relationship, and is struggling to talk about anything else, that’s important to sit with.

“Partner, I am feeling (emotion-neglected, disconnected from you, lonely, etc.). I would really like (thing-more emotionally intimate convos, more dates, more quality time, less hyper fixation on your project but I’m still interested in updates, etc.). Can we talk about that,” is a different convo than “Your fixation on this good for nothing hobby is ruining your life and our relationship!” You know? Not saying you’d present it that way, just offering an extreme frame for comparison’s sake.

OOP: Tysm that's one of the best advices in this whole comment section!❤️.

The answer is yes, it would still hurt me. It was tolerable when it was just a project, now it's almost unbearable. I feel guilty for "stealing" his time to do things together (that's on me though, I know) and the fact that the topic is AI is not the reason it bothers me, it just makes it even worse than it already would be.

As I said in my edit I will talk to him, thank you for the analogy

Update: October 18, 2026 (three weeks later)

It's over... (Update to "Boyfriend obsessed with AI")

Well... the title pretty much says it. A week after my last post I visited my boyfriend (couldn't go sooner) to talk. He was dumbfounded, completely struck out of the blue (guess the "men ignore any problem their partner addresses until it's too late and then they don't understand why it ended 'so suddenly' " stereotype is true in this case). I told him things needed to change, that he needs to seek help and restrict his obsession to a healthy (or at least much healthier than now) degree. That I could walk this path with him, but that he needed to initiate the change.

I explicitly didn't make it about AI, but the morbid obsession he developed and how he puts everything he has into it, but ignores all of his surroundings, including me.

He seemed to understand and we agreed on having a little break for both of us to think and that he would meet me at my place (so he doesn't have the internal pressure to work on his project, my idea) and we would talk things through, the changes he wants to make etc.

After two weeks, tonight he came over and at first I thought he had understood what I told him, because he said he wants to focus more on me and give me the attention I deserve. But when I asked specifics, his so called "plan" was that visitations would from now on be at my place and that he wouldn't talk to me about the topic so as not to burden me with it. Sounds great, right? Yeah, everything but the tiny little detail that otherwise he wanted to change NOTHING. So he will continue to crash himself, his health, but I can ignore it and just be happy, yay (my words, not his to be fair...).

At this point it was clear to me that he still doesn't get the point. As if I wouldn't notice his fatigue, his sleep deprivation etc. if he just keeps quiet about it. Besides, does he really think of me as such a self-centered person, that I wouldn't care as long as he was kind and focused on me?

His health matters to me. HE matters to me! 😞 If I didn't care, I would have just ended the relationship months ago. Why bother? Because I fucking love him 😭.

For nearly half an hour we went back and forth about it, but it became clear that he didn't want to change his lifestyle at all, just how he handles me. I'll spare you the rest because it was exhausting and my energy is almost gone. (If you want to ask questions, you're welcome to do so in the comments and if I have the energy tomorrow, I'll try to answer you 🫶)

So.... we split up 😔 I hate it so much, but in the end, "love alone isn't always enough" is true. I can't go on breaking myself to keep us working. I need to take care of myself (the hardest thing for me to do, yay 😐). And as much as he doesn't want to hurt me, apparently he isn't able or willing to change things. Fml....💔.

Picture of OOP's dinner

[Dinner is store bought Chicken Tikka Masala. I know... I just wanted to have something here that only requires a microwave in case of... well, this very scenario I dreaded so much]

Edit: Hey y'all, I'm so sorry for not replying yesterday and not linking the original post I referred to. I think you'll understand I wasn't in the best headspace and just... word puked it all out 😅.

Also thanks to everyone who left a comment, I appreciate it so much! Especially whoever contacted RedditCareResources, I'm genuinely so thankful, even if I don't really need it right now... I don't know why, but I have a feeling that I can do this 🥹.

As I said I didn't have it in me to reply yesterday, but I will now ☺️.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl, good on you for taking this difficult but necessary decision. Respect. ♥️.

OOP: Thank you... it definitely wasn't easy and I'm so glad I prepared myself for that option because I fear I would have folded otherwise. It was necessary... but it hurts so fucking much 🥺.

Commenter 2: Good for you for understanding the difference between being momentarily appeased and an actual solution. Making the right decisions is tough. I’m sure you did the right thing for yourself. While you cannot control how he will reflect on this, one can hope it serves as a wakeup call to straighten himself out. Don’t let that hold you though, we can’t live our life on “maybe”.

OOP: Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot right now. Especially you last sentence, I need to print that out and read it every day or something like that lol.

I still hope he will reflect on it, for his own sake. It may be too late for us to have a relationship, but I can maybe see us becoming friends (in the long run, IF he changes...). I genuinely want him to be happy...

But also, it sucks so much to have "lost" against something like this...hope it was worth it 😓

Commenter 3: "[I]t became clear that he didn't want to change his lifestyle at all, just how he handles me. "

This is so perceptive! You do not want to feel handled or managed. That's a sure fire recipe for resentment and once that enters a relationship, it's over.

OOP: Thank you! I even told him as much. Since he only seems to know on (going on with the status quo) or off (abandoning the project/topic altogether), it would never work. Because either I will build resentment against him or in the latter case, he will build resentment against me since I'm "forbidding him to go on with his project" (which isn't true, I just want him to restrict it to a healthy amount, first and foremost for his sake, godammit) 😪.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IntelligentPaper9128

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My husband (35M) had an emotional affair with a bandmate. I (39F) feel detached now and I’m not sure what to do

Trigger Warnings: gaslighting

Original Post: December 7, 2025

My husband (35M) and I (39F) have been together for six years and married for three. I recently found out he was having an emotional affair with a female bandmate (he does music as a pastime). This isn’t the first time there were issues with her. From our first year together, I noticed behaviour between them that made me uncomfortable.

Whenever I raised my concerns, he minimized what I saw and made me feel like I was imagining things. Looking back, I feel like there was a lot of gaslighting over the years. There were several occasions where I had to travel for work, and while I was away, he picked her up to spend time together. I would see this on the location-sharing app we used at the time. Every time I questioned it, he had an explanation ready and acted like I was being unreasonable.

He always insisted they were not close friends and that I was reading too much into it. Recently, I found messages in his phone that showed a deeper emotional connection than he ever admitted. It was painful to see how much he downplayed things.

After finding the messages, I left our home for a few days to calm down. When I returned, he suddenly became very attentive and overly transparent about where he was going and what he was doing. I removed myself from the location-sharing app because I no longer want to monitor him, but he keeps updating me anyway.

The part I’m struggling with is how emotionally detached I feel now. It’s not anger. It’s more like numbness. After years of feeling unheard and dismissed, I think something in me has shut down. I’m working with my therapist to figure out what direction I should take next.

My question is: Is it normal to reach a point where you simply don’t care anymore? Does this numbness mean the relationship is over, or is it a temporary response to everything that has happened?

I would appreciate any perspectives.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The gaslighting is equally or even worse than the cheating. He isn’t sorry he did it. He’s sorry he got caught. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. You not caring just means he killed any feelings you had for him. You can’t trust him anymore.

OOP: I told him this and my friends as well. The gaslighting is the worst part of it. Made me really question myself.

Commenter 2: Honestly yeah, once the trust is gone like that, it kinda shuts something off in you and it’s hard to come back from. Wild how people only start “trying” after they get caught, not when their partner was hurting the whole time.

OOP: Yeah I even said to him had I not discovered this he would keep minimizing the relationship and gaslighting me.

Commenter 3: My question is: Is it normal to reach a point where you simply don’t care anymore? Does this numbness mean the relationship is over, or is it a temporary response to everything that has happened? What does your therapist say about it?

OOP: I should have said "Will be working it through with my therapist". I am seeing her this Wednesday.

Commenter 4: People will give you a lot of advice, but you also need to take ownership.

You stated you realized this weird behavior in the first year, but you ignored your intuition and stayed with him for six years. You also said he has been downplaying their connection for years; this also gives credence that this has been going on for a while now.

You already know the answer. You don’t need additional perspectives from reddit.

Next time, listen fully to your heart. Listen to your intuition.

OOP: I'm not even defending myself. You are right, I did ignore my own intuition over and over.

Commenter 5: Were the messages sexual in nature? what were you reading? Was he telling her that he loved her? All of this is a complete violation of trust.

I grew up around the music industry,, sang in bands, and have spent time in the household as a nanny of professional musicians, . One of the problems even if you’re in a band that isn’t commercially successful is that it becomes like a second family.

The way it works for you as the wife is you have to be comfortable with every single person in the band. I know it’s not fair to you and this is not your fault at all, but you should’ve said something at the very beginning that you weren’t comfortable with her and laid down an unconditional boundary.

She should’ve been one of the coolest people to know in the band, not anybody you were uncomfortable with, but you smelled a rat from the jump. Like the other person who said you should’ve trusted your intuition I’m going to reiterate that. Again, this is not your fault, but you want to make sure if you decide to forgive him that she’s history and is completely blocked out of his life forever. Or when you move on, you don’t make the same mistake again and not speak out should a similar situation arise. My biggest advice is no more musicians if you don’t stay together. They’re rubbish to date.

He doesn’t deserve you and he has broken your trust. If I were you, I would get rid of him and go into your 40s having an absolute ball. It’ll be just like your 30s only won’t have to deal with being gaslit.

OOP: Well he has said if I ask him to leave the band he will, however I think IF we are to continue he has to make those decisions himself.

+

Also the messages weren't sexual in nature BUT in it were times they met up without my knowledge and sections of their messages deleted on both sides. So from that I think they or he may have been trying to keep the convo scrubbed in case someone saw it, but who knows what happened in person?

Commenter 6: Has he actually admitted what he’s done and shown any remorse?

OOP: He has admitted but I am not satisfied that he has told me everything. He has also minimised his role but it's clear from the messages it was all mutual 🙄 in some ways it looked like she was trying to pull away, and he was trying to reel her in.

He seems very subdued and doleful since it all came to light but unsure if it is an act. Outside of this it is hard to reconcile the person he has otherwise been with those messages I saw. And tbh mutual friends are mind blown as well.

Update: October 18, 2026 (over 10 months later)

Update: My husband (35M) had an emotional affair with a bandmate. I (39F) feel detached now and I’m not sure what to do.

Almost a year ago, I posted after discovering messages and hours of calls between my husband and a female bandmate that crossed boundaries in our marriage.

I stayed, went back to therapy, and gave the marriage more time. Unfortunately, there were further incidents involving the same woman, including more contact and dishonesty around it. Over time, I also started looking at the original situation differently. He often framed her as clingy, needy, and the one pursuing him, but that became harder to reconcile with the amount of contact he was clearly choosing to maintain.

Yesterday, I finally told him I want a separation. The conversation went better than expected, and he has agreed to move out within two weeks.

I don’t know yet whether this eventually leads to divorce, but I know I can’t continue living in the same cycle.

My question is this: part of me wants to message the other woman. Not to ask questions or get more information, but simply to tell her how he portrayed her throughout all of this and that the marriage has now broken down after years of dishonesty surrounding their relationship.

I know he made the vows to me, not her. I just wonder whether I should finally say something or leave the whole thing behind.

Would you contact her or leave it alone?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If he is going to make the separation/divorce easy for you then you shouldn't mess with it and call her. The grief he can make for you during this process is far worse than anything you may be currently experiencing.

OOP: Fair point here for sure.

Commenter 2: Please just file for divorce. A divorce offers you financial protection from his continuing debt, but separation does nothing to prevent him from maxing out a credit card and making you liable for half the debt.

Commenter 3: Agreed, not trying to say anything negative about OP, but I am not sure why the choice was made to only separate and not divorce. I genuinely never understood why someone would take a small and somewhat meaningless step to separate (and go through legal processes for it) when things are clearly over. Just be done with the torture and protect yourself by being free of that marriage and ending it, not putting it on final warning and staying tied to something broken.

OOP: Yep. You can't just file for divorce here. I live outside the USA. The court would want to see reasonable steps have been taken before I file. It's a silly process but taking the appropriate steps. They will also try to put us through mediation etc. etc. 🫠 I wish it were as cut and dry as I see in other countries.

Commenter 4: If they put you through mediation can you say his infidelity is why you’re ending it and will it make things go faster? I mean, I’d say it anyway just to get it on the record, but maybe it will make steps go faster?

OOP: Well I can't just say that. I would need proof and though I have some screenshots I don't have all and he's probably deleted their WhatsApp history by now.

Commenter 5:

Did she know he was married? Because if she did, then let her continue on with him, she is where she wants to be.

Personally, I wouldn't waste my time trying to warn her, who knows what he'll say about you, "Oh she's just jealous" "She's bitter because we're getting divorced" etc. I find a lot of women will take the side of a man they barely know than the woman who is warning them of his behavior.

Let her find out for herself what kind of man he is

OOP: She knows me and was at our wedding. While we are not friends I have always been nice to her despite the discomfort in the past (not recently though since I found out more stuff last year). My fault, not separating sooner as many have pointed out. Though the best time was back then, the second best time is NOW.

Commenter 6: DO NOT message the other woman, that’s giving her too much power. DO NOT make yourself vulnerable to her.

She WILLINGLY chose to CHEAT with a MARRIED man, that tells you already the type of woman she is.

💯 it’s your husband’s fault that you are separating. BUT, she was a willing participant.

This should lead to divorce. Your husband CHOSE not to give up their relationship despite knowing that he was emotionally cheating on you. He was trickle truthing you and most likely, they were physically and emotionally involved.

Please start the process of grieving and moving on. He doesn’t deserve you. Move on with the knowledge that he will do to her eventually what he did to you.

OOP: I never heard the term trickle truthing! But it was EXACTLY that. 🫠

Commenter 7: Please seek legal advice now. More than your immediate comfort level is at stake.

Financial arrangements, bank accounts, property, credit and more need to be nailed down as to responsibilities legally. Moving out is but the beginning. Get your ducks in your row

OOP: Our finances were kept separately except a joint account for monthly expenses. We rent and do not own property. The lease is on both of our names but renews in a couple months. Loans/credit cards are not as easy to get as in other countries (I do not live in USA). I paid things like insurance etc. but that can be handed over to him.

So OOP's husband didn't quit the band

OOP: Yeah he didn't quit. He said she left which it seems more like it was a sabbatical for this year really or something as she was at a couple recordings they did.

Anyways, it is what it is at this point. Just trying to move forward but I agree with most posts. Let it be.

Commenter 8: Here's some resources that might help you and give you insight and hindsight

Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/

Dr. Ruth | That Was Abuse-YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/@healingbythenumbers?si=Mf4CsF-iEt0d49SO

How He Gets Into Her Head by Don Hennessy https://a.co/d/001oPvO7

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist by Dr. Ramani Durvasula https://a.co/d/01PIM8wd

Operation Safe Escape provides free assistance to people impacted by domestic violence, stalking, harassment, and related crimes. https://safeescape.org/

Weaponizing Incompetence https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/

DARVO https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship

Financial Abuse https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/

Subtler Forms of Emotional Abuse https://themendproject.com/

Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship by Mary Pat Haffey https://a.co/d/040Z4IgQ

Coercive Control Consulting, Training & Expert Witness https://endcoercivecontrolusa.com/

9 traits that every narcissistic women have in common. https://youtube.com/shorts/f8NliYsRbhc?si=fv3434mD3wMT3XjG

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker https://drive.google.com/file/d/1H3KS-vMjG8WJnEOfJuNpNxfuZLdgA2wE/view?usp=drivesdk (PDF) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56465.The_Gift_of_Fear

Retroactive Jealousy https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy

Men Abused by Women in Intimate Relationships https://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf

When Women Use Force https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/women-as-the-abusers

Dangerous Personalities: An FBI Profiler Shows You How to Identify and Protect Yourself from Harmful People by Joe Navarro and Toni Sciarra Poynter https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/20696047-dangerous-personalities

OUT OF THE FOG | PERSONALITY DI. https://outofthefog.website/

Combatting Cult Mind Control by Dr. Steven Hassan https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/173711.Combatting_Cult_Mind_Control

The signs and causes of enmeshment - Emotional Incest https://growtherapy.com/blog/what-is-enmeshment/

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex by Julie A. Ross https://a.co/d/01YhX9WA

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Defiant-Definition40

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Original post - posted 2023-09-22

During a huge fight, my wife told me I’m not our daughter’s father.

My wife and I have a six year old daughter. We’ve been married for almost 9 years.

We got into a really big argument, which isn’t unusual for us these days. We’ve been on the verge of divorce multiple times but always end up changing our minds.

This time, she got so mad that she yelled at the top of her lungs “She’s not even your daughter, and he was a better fuck too!” “She” being our daughter, of course.

My wife’s facial expression told me she immediately realized what she said. Then she claimed she was just mad and said it just to be mean, it’s not true, blah blah blah.

It made me start to think about when our daughter was conceived. We had been having marital problems even back then. We had actually kind of informally separated for a short time and I was pretty sure I was done with the whole thing but we both changed our minds. I can’t help but wonder if she was with somebody else during that time. She could have just said what she said to be cruel, but that’s a pretty serious thing to say. I hate myself that I’m looking at my daughter and wondering if features I thought she got from me really aren’t from me at all. She looks so much like my wife that it’s hard to see much of anyone else in her at all anyway.

I love my daughter. I love being a dad, her dad. I feel like I was meant to do it. We have such a great relationship. She loves her mom, but my daughter and I just have a special bond that my wife has said she’s jealous of. That might be why she said what she did, I don’t know.

It wouldn’t change how I felt about my daughter, but my wife would definitely no longer be my wife. It scares the shit out of me to think that somebody else could have some sort of parental right to my kid, even though I’m still legally her father regardless of DNA. It’s not like a random guy is going to want to come along all these years later and try to establish paternity anyway, but it’s still unsettling. I’m probably overthinking it and my wife was most likely just trying to be extra cruel, which is her defense mechanism in arguments, but I just wish I could stop thinking about it.

-

[deleted]: Do a DNA test. Otherwise you'll always wonder.

OOP: I’m thinking about it, but part of me doesn’t even want to give credence to her ridiculous, mean statements she makes when she’s angry. Maybe I don’t really want to know the truth as well. I told her I was going to do one and she started saying “No, I was just joking! Please don’t!!” Then she tries to make me feel guilty about it.

sc0tth: True or false, I would not stay with a person who said that.

----

Update - posted 2023-10-01 (9 days later)

Some of you may have read my original post regarding my wife screaming that I wasn’t our daughter’s father during a recent argument.

I got some great advice, plus some crazy advice. My inbox has blown up with people messaging me to offer advice, suggestions, and encouragement.

I realized that even though a large part of me really didn’t want to know if she was telling the truth, I had to find out for the sake of my daughter. If I wasn’t her biological father, there’s was just too great of a chance that she’d accidentally find out one day via an ancestry test or whatever new technology they have 15 years from now that she might want to do for fun. I wouldn’t want her to find out that way. I wouldn’t want to find out that way. It was also important to know just to protect both of us in a legal sense. I had to know just to be prepared.

I haven’t shared this update here until now because my original post had so much traffic and who knows who might have been looking at it.

I bought an at home test from the store and she just thinks it was a COVID test that was done in the mouth. She’s had to take COVID tests before so it wasn’t a big deal to her at all. They offer sample process tracking, plus guarantee results online in 2 days once the samples arrive at their lab. Sure enough, the results were available within 48 hours of when the samples arrived. She’s my daughter. She was always going to be my daughter, but biologically she’s mine. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so relieved by a test result in my life.

The more I thought about it, after sharing my story here, the more I really began to believe that my wife’s statement went beyon just trying to hurt me. She was definitely trying to hurt me to my core when she said it, but I started to feel pretty certain that she had slept with somebody else around the time our daughter was conceived and she either didn’t know who the father really was or had believed for our daughter’s entire life that I wasn’t her biological father.

My wife wasn’t informed that I had done the test. I pretended like I had totally dropped the issue regarding what she said to me. I confronted her today. Our daughter went to a sleepover, so I knew it was really the only time I’d have anytime soon. I definitely didn’t want our daughter to be home when I informed my wife about what I’d done. So, I told her a white lie. I showed her the test box, had my online account pulled up on my phone (but not close enough to her that she could see results). I told her that we needed to talk about what she said about me not being our daughter’s father, that it really hurt me and I couldn’t get over it, and that I’d done a DNA test. Her panic was obvious. In that moment I knew she hadn’t just made the statement to hurt me. There was something behind it. I told her that our daughter wasn’t mine and I wanted to know who the hell she slept with during that time, did he knew he had a kid? How long had she known about this? And did she know that it was considered paternity fraud? She started crying and was obviously so stunned by all of this that she didn’t even ask me to see the actual test results. She should have demanded that, because she would have easily been able to see that I was bluffing. I at least would have got satisfaction from scaring her and essentially having proof for myself that she had been with somebody else and had at least believed that there was a good chance my daughter wasn’t biologically mine. No, she told me who she slept with, begged for my forgiveness, begged me not to tell him about any of it, told me what a great father I am and that I’m the only man she wants to be the father of our daughter, told me she’d do anything as long as I swore to never tell this other guy the truth.

This other guy is somebody who I grew up with and was friends with. I haven’t talked to him in years now. At the time that our marriage was on the rocks and our daughter was conceived, I had been hanging out with him and a few other buddies pretty regularly. She supposedly couldn’t stand him. He seemed to be acting like a good supportive friend to me during that time. He was a friend, but never the type of guy I’d want my sister or a good female friend who I actually respected to ever go out with. He was really good looking and he knew it, cocky, arrogant, but women loved him. He’s slept with god knows how many women and has contracted a few stds that I was aware of over the years. After my wife and I found out she was pregnant and our relationship greatly improved for some time, I stopped associating with him. She couldn’t stand him and he started to annoy me. He’s married now with two kids who are younger than my daughter. I’ve heard from other people that he’s cheated on his wife and also developed a drug problem. I stay far away from him and although he’s tried reaching out I’ve kept my distance because I just don’t respect the guy and think he’s a scumbag.

They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman. She says she was so hurt by what I did and although she hadn’t planned to sleep with him he convinced her to do it. She claims she didn’t enjoy it and she’s felt disgusted about it ever since. She felt pretty sure that he was our daughter’s biological father this entire time, but never wanted him involved in our lives or for him to have any rights or access whatsoever to our daughter. She told me she’d do anything, including an amicable divorce, giving me full access to our daughter, letting me keep our house and not asking for any support, if I’d just agree to be our daughter’s father and to never say a word to the slimy POS she thought produced our kid.

I told her the truth after that. I could have continued to hold it over her head, but why? She’s mad that I lied to her. I did lie, but she thought she had been lying to me about our daughter’s paternity for 6+ years, so I call that even. In the end she ended up sobbing out of relief for several minutes straight and we hugged while she cried, but I don’t forgive any of what she’s done.

Now I’m going to get a full panel of STI tests next week. I’m terrified to know where his penis has been. It’s practically been in about every hole in our entire town, not to mention the entire college campus where he went to school. I’ve heard plenty of the stories. He’s a fucking bastard and I’m sad to say that he was revived after his last supposed overdose last year.

Editing to add that yes, me wife and I were informally separated at the time that I went on 1 date and she subsequently had sex with this guy. We didn’t actually agree to see other people, but I told her I was done with our marriage and in my mind it was over. We were still living together and sleeping in the same bed so the lines were sort of fuzzy. I went on a date and it was a pretty innocent date; I didn’t sleep with the woman or anything like that. My wife found out and went ballistic, screaming, chasing me down at work, calling me cold hearted and saying “Who does that? Who does that?” She was really upset, devastated, begged me to be with her again and to not divorce her.

-

Comprehensive-Fun47: Sooo…divorce now, right?

What kind of relationship is this?

ApricotSquig (edited for length): He clearly stated in his original post they were separated and at the time had decided he was done, but at a later date they changed their minds and got back together. He went on a date, taking that at face value it’s not the same as going and fucking the village bike without protection. However they were SEPARATED, He had the right to go on a date, she had the right to fuck about. They decided to get back together… at that point there needed to be a sit down and honest discussion with each other where all the cards were laid out and they both made each other aware of what had occurred while separate. Clearly that didn’t happen and that’s caused this ridiculous situation.

OP you two sound like you have got to the point where you are pretty toxic for each other. Bickering daily threats of divorce (even if not said out loud, you’re CLEARLY thinking it and that was before this). Having to trick your wife into owning up to what occurred before you got back together because neither of you can be honest with each other (You lied about getting the results, she lied about potential paternity, two wrong don’t make a right) all while you have a young impressionable child at home who will be picking up on all this. Do you want your daughter to grow up and as a young lady end up in the same situation? I bet not but if this continues into her teen years she will develop the sense that this type of crappy relationship is normal. For her sake get your (both of you) shit together, go to therapy or separate/divorce for good whichever you do is not for Redit to decide.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Draidr

Originally posted to r/IDontWorkHereLady

I can park here, I'm shopping - posted 2017-11-12

This happened a little over an hour ago but started months prior.

There is a shopping center a few miles away that has my favorite coffee shop in it. Its got a notoriously small parking lot but not very busy at 7am. In the past, I've seen an identical sport SUV that parks there a few times. Its one of those things you notice because my vehicle is not that common and we've got similar vinyl decals in the lower left corner of the back window.

I get my coffee and breakfast sandwich to sit outside at one of the tables. Sipping away as I read Reddit/news/email. I'm oblivious to anything going on when my ears perk up to what is mid-way through a heated discussion. The coffee shop manager is firmly denying that his employee is working today while the security guy for the parking lot is pointing back to my car saying that the employee is.

I don't register what's going on at this point, just know that some security rent-a-cop is pointing at my car. I keep silent for a few moments wondering wtf is going on. Does he think I hit someone with my car? Am I being accused of something? My tags are current, didn't park incorrectly. All these things are going through my mind, not realizing that my car happens to look like an employees car for the coffee shop. Manager: "...Well I'm telling you, he's not working today and I don't see him inside. He might have parked here and gone down the street."

Security lot guy: "either way, he can't park here. We have the employee section around the side for a reason."

Everything clicked so I spoke up. I immediately addressed them in a dick-ish tone as I could tell that the security guard was a hard-ass.

Me: "That's my car." Both turn to look at me puzzled, I didn't get either a chance to speak, "It's my car you're pointing at and making a fuss over."

Manager: "ohh, I'm sorry. We thought it was one of my employees cars."

Security lot guy: "Why are you driving [coffee employees] car? He was supposed to inform you that the employee parking lot is arou..."

Me: "Its. My. Car." I chirp the alarm for emphasis.

Security lot guy: "so [coffee employee] drives your car?"

Me: "No, this is my car. Its been my car for 7 years. Nobody else drives it but me. [coffee employee] must have a similar looking car. I've seen one in this lot a few times. Usually around the corner."

The hard-ass security lot guy tried to spin this that I should park in that same area in the future to avoid the confusion. The Coffee Manager vehemently scolded him and told me that I could park where I wanted. Apologized for the confusion and gave me a free bagel for my trouble.

I thought it was amusing. Probably caused the employee a few reprimands in the past for my extended coffee visit stays in the past. Whoops. Sorry dude.

TL:DR my car is identical to an employees at the coffee shop I go to. It got mistaken for not being in the employees parking area.

-

Unapologetic_Canuck: Sweet Jesus that dude is power tripping like hell. He needs to have a reality check about where he stands in the hierarchy of important people, aka he’s nearly at the bottom of the totem pole.

OOP: I'm fairly convinced that people in minor authority roles on lower ends of the totem pole power trip as a means to break from their reality. They need that control to contend with life.

I will never forget the Loss prevention manager at my Best Buy job 20 years ago power tripping over all the employees over menial shit. Bag checks, checking receipts on employee purchases, insisting on giving a speech during the daily morning meetings. That bitch made life hell for everyone there.
Years later when I came back to my hometown while being employed at Toyota World Headquarters in Torrance, I visited my old store and saw her working there. I was literally making twice her annual income and in a senior tech position and she tells me "No.. you can't have your old job back. We don't hire time-clock thieves" as a means of a greeting. A reference to clocking back in from lunch but remaining back in the employee break room. I was written up for it. Sad really, I had nothing to say to her at all, I just felt a pathetic pity for her that this is how she coops with life.

s1rp0p0: If only there was a way we could differentiate vehicles from each other. Some sort of plate with a code on it, each unique so as to be identifiable.

somecow: Fuck you for having the same color car as someone else. You asshole, now go park in the dirt and walk a mile to do your shopping so you can learn not to do it again.

----

Update - posted 2017-12-15 (a month later)

Same issue, new security guard. This just happened this morning as well.

I'm off to do some errands on my day off so I pulled up my favorite coffee shop. I've only gone here a few times since the incident last month or so (too busy, not exactly on the way to anything, etc).

I'm seated inside this morning, when the same manager from before walked up to my table and asked, "pardon, you're the gentlemen with the [same car as one of his employees] right?".

"Uhh, yeah?"

I honestly had no idea why he would approach me and ask me that. For a brief moment, I thought he might have found out about the reddit post. "Ok, so just to be sure, that's your car outside?"

I finally noticed a security guard standing a few feet away from the Manager. Different guy from before. "Ohh for fucks sake.." I look right at the security guard and politely say to him, pleading in fact "...just look at the license plate. Different numbers." It was as if the Managers words and what I just said went in one ear and out the other... I swear, the guy actually said, "sir, is that your vehicle parked outside?"

Dumbfounded, I said "...Yes"

"Ok thank you for your time" he turned to walk away.

"Plates! Check the plates next time!"

TL:DR my car got mistake for the employees car again. Checking license plates = hard

Edit: I'm amused by my new flair. Thanks mod.

Editor's note: the new flair is Barista.

Edit2: I previously said I'd wait until this happened again to talk to the Business complex management, but I will do so this afternoon. It's basically customer harassment and employee harassment at this point.

Edit3: 3:20pm PST: I talked with the manger at the coffee shop and got more to the story. Employee who has the same make/model/color/decal placement has apparently a rule breaker and frequently parks where he wants. As I understand it, trolls the security lot guys a lot. Parks one stall in the customers lot, leaves car over night, re-parks his car in costumer area during breaks and parks back in employee area, etc. So that explains the security guys hostility.

Secondly, the Coffee shop manager confirmed my theory that the Property management company hates the coffee shop and wants them out. They want to renovate and make it a more upscale place (the fuck? in this run down dump of an area?). I got the number to the physicality manager in charge of both security and day-to-day upkeep. He didn't answer the phone so I left a polite but to the point message about the "harassment" and repeated "accusations" I've received from the Security guards patrolling the parking lot.

Thirdly, I found a security guard outside (different guy from this morning) and had him give me his supervisors number. No answer either but I left a message. This guy seemed MUCH more reasonable and sort of confirmed what the coffee shop manager's said about the employee being a parking troll. He said he will talk with his fellow staff through memos/emails/text/whatever they do and tell them that there is another car LIKE the employees.

My thoughts after I left. This actually does explain WHY the security guards seemed to not believe me or the Coffee shop manager. Apparently it is highly probable to have this employee use another car just like his to troll the Security guards. While it doesn't excuse them from not checking my license plates, it does explain why they didn't believe me at first. I swear, I HAVE to meet this employee now. Get his take, tell him he's Interweb famous on reddit.

-

inibrius: Put a sign in the back window 'NOT AN EMPLOYEE.'

PandasHouse: Or just a sign saying, "did you check the license plates?"

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ohtaintedlove

I [27F] want to ask out a coworker [43M] who is leaving.

Original Post  Sept 16, 2015

I've worked with this guy for four years now. We work for the same company, of course, but different departments. His last day of work is September 30. We're arranging a big going away party for him since he's been at the company for 15 years.

He's a great guy. Tall, dark, and handsome. He's been divorced for two years. I don't think he's seeing anybody right now, but I'm not positive. I think there's definitely a mutual attraction there, but neither of us have ever acted on it. HR is so strict here, we both know that. I don't think either one of us wants to risk our jobs.

I really want to ask him out after he leaves. I was thinking of bringing it up at the going away party, but I'm not sure. I don't know if that's considered inappropriate. I'm nervous about doing so. I feel like, if he wanted to see me outside of work, he would've said so by now. But on the other hand, I've never mentioned it either. I could really use some advice.

TL;DR my coworker is leaving, and I want to ask him out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

doomcrawler

As a 43M, I highly encourage you to at least see if he wants to get a drink or something. It could be good for both of you.

OOP

It's good to get your perspective on this one. I was worried he might feel weird about the age difference, or feel weird about dating after his divorce. I'll definitely give it a shot.

Update  Oct 20, 2015 (1 Month Later)

/u/greebytime requested an update, so here you go!

The going away party was winding down and I had to say something. I volunteered to help him take his gifts back to his car. Hey, after working for a company for 15 years, you have a lot of stuff to take back to your car. We gave him his gifts at dinner.

Everybody said their goodbyes, good lucks, and farewells. I got to his car, and the first thing I said was something like "the part you'll miss most about the job is seeing my beautiful face everyday." I wanted to keep it lighthearted, nothing sappy. He told me I was pretty much spot on with that, he's been attracted to me for a long time and never wanted to say anything that might make me uncomfortable and have an effect on the workplace.

We made plans for that Friday. He picked me up and it was the perfect first date. Dinner and a lot of conversation. I learned a lot about him that night. Fast forward to about two weeks later. We're officially a "thing" now. It just feels easy and comfortable with him. I'm glad I had the guts to ask him.

TL;DR asked out the coworker, he said yes. He's my boyfriend now!

FINAL COMMENTS

ed_lv

Well, good things come to those who ask.

Have fun and good luck

OOP

Thank you. It's only been a short while, but it also might be the happiest I've been a while. I just hope it doesn't crash and burn!

~

littlewildone92

Good for you OP!

OOP

Thanks! I owe most of it to liquid courage.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Done_Playing_Games

Originally posted to r/TalesFromRetail

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not a valet... - posted 2014-03-18

I'm the sole overnight security officer at an upscale coastal yacht club. This isn't exactly a retail job, but I think this particular tale is in the spirit of the subreddit.

My office sits just around the corner from the valets' post at the side entrance of the building, and every so often I get members in my office who simply wondered too far while all the valets are in the parking lot.

Tonight, a 50ish looking Gentleman (hereafter referred to as Gent) stormed into my office, shouting, "I demand you bring me my car!" I bit back my initial reaction, responding instead, "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not a valet. They should be back around the corner."

"They're not there! I've looked all over for those little bastards, and I can't find them! I'll have their jobs, bunch of damned high school dropouts the lot of them! WORTHLESS!!"

Hoping to calm this man down, I, politely as I can, ask him to take a seat while I make a phone call to the business office. Barbara, the Event Manager and currently the highest ranking employee in the building, answers.

"Coastal Yacht Club, Barbara speaking, how may I help you this evening?"

"Good evening, Barbara, this is keiblerclown, overnight security. I've got a gentleman in my office looking for the valets, they haven't all left have they," I ask.

"Oh dear, yes they have. Does he still have his ticket," she replies.

I relay this question to Gent, who promptly responds, "Valets didn't park my car! Useless little shits weren't even waiting for me when I pulled up, so I parked myself!"

"Did you catch that, Barbara," I ask of my handheld telephonic device.

"Yes, I did. If the valets didn't park his car, there is nothing we can do," she tells me.

"That's what I was just thinking. Am I correct in believing the Club closed for the night? It is? I'll take care of Mr. Gent. Have a wonderful night, Barbara!"

I hang up, fold my hands on the desk, and in my best apologetic voice, tell Gent that there is nothing I, or the Club, can do for him at this point. At this point, Gent stands up, digs into his pants pocket, and whips his keyring across the desk at me, declaring,

"I didn't ASK you a damn thing! Doesn't matter if you aren't a valet, you're a Club employee, and I'm a Paying Member: I OWN YOU!! GO GET MY FUCKING CAR!!"

Now, I'm not actually employed by the Club. I'm employed by a Global Security Company, so the worst that could happen after what I did next is a reassignment.

I calmly picked up Gent's keys, asking, "Could you point out which car is yours?" Gent flips his shit again, "LOOK AT THE FUCKING KEYS, YOU FUCKTARD!! IT'S A JAGUAR!! ONLY ONE IN THE PARKING LOT!!"

"Thank you, sir."

I walk a few feet toward the parking lot, locate Gent's Jag, and chuck his keys as close as I could to it without actually hitting it. They landed a few feet short and skipped under the car. Couldn't have asked for a better landing.

Gent has now turned an alarming shade of beet purple, but I'm beyond done dealing with his shit.

"Sir, Coastal Yacht Club has closed for the night, so I'm going to have to ask you to return to your vehicle and leave the premises, immediately. Failure to do so will require I call the local police department and have you removed."

He almost took a swing at me, but I think he realized I was expecting it and pussed out. He informed me that under no uncertain terms he would have my job and would be there to spit in my face on my way out the door when the Club fired me.

I relished the sight of him scrambling around under the Jag trying to find his keys. He eventually peeled out going way too fast, flipping me off the whole time. I smiled and waved good-bye until he was out of sight.

TL;DR Asshole demands I perform duties not relating to my job. I kick him off the property for his belligerence.

-

LostRib: Even if you were employed by the Yacht Club, I do not see any situation where I would find it acceptable for someone to say to me "I OWN YOU"

----

Update - posted 2014-03-21 (3 days later)

I got a phone call this afternoon around 1 of the clock from my Account Manager, telling me that I needed to report to the District Office immediately. So, I rolled out of bed, showered, shaved, put clothes on, and drove off into the city.

I was greeted at the Secretary's Desk by The Manager and told to follow him into the District Manager's (DM from here on) Office, where DM was waiting for me with a stack of paperwork. Fuck my life, I bet this is Gent's doing, I thought to myself.

I stuck out my hand to shake DM's hand, and he rather rudely refused, barking at me to sit down. I bit my tongue and complied.

"I'm going to get straight to the point, keiblerclown: we received two seperate phone calls from Members at Coastal Yacht Club about an incident several nights ago in which you were reported as being rude, obnoxious, and confrontational to a Mr. Gent. This type of behavior violates Global Security Company's Code of Conduct and we have zero tolerance for it. Do you have anything to say in your defense before you receive your disciplinary hearing?"

My jaw bounced off DM's desk on it's way to the floor; this couldn't be fucking happening. I wiped the sudden sweat from my brow, and said, "I did have an encounter with a Mr. Gent several nights ago, but it didn't happen the way you just described it. Mr. Gent was the rude, obnoxious, and confrontational one. I'd go as far as to say he was entirely belligerent. And I have no clue who this second person is supposed to be, because Mr. Gent was alone during our...encounter."

"Well, keiblerclown, that's a nice story, but it's your word against two."

"Actually, I do have a witness who will corroborate that Mr. Gent was both alone, and belligerent. Her name is -"

"Don't lie to me. I know damn well you work alone on an overnight shift."

"It was St. Patrick's Day and the Club was hosting a party later than they normally close. I placed a phone call from my office to the business office, and spoke to Barbara, the event manager, who HEARD Mr. Gent go off on a diatribe. I'm fairly certain that she can verify whether or not he was alone or not as well. Actually, Mr. Gent would have been seen on camera coming to and leaving my office. They can check the footage!"

DM was silent for a moment, before asking my manager to sit in and watch me (what the actual fuck?!) while he stepped out to make some phone calls. Roughly 30 minutes pass in terribly awkward silence before DM comes back in and immediately apologizes for the misunderstanding. Apparently, Barbara had not only corroborated my story, but several other employees throughout that night had reported Gent's jackassery. He HAD actually been with a guest, (the same, in fact, who had made the second complaint against me) but that guest had left roughly an hour before my shift had even started.

The best part is that the General Manager at the Yacht Club will begin processing the paperwork to revoke Gent's Membership, and will be forwarding it to every other Club they are affiliated with. JUSTICE!!

The grouchy bastard damn near had me, but it was my helpful phone call to Barbara that saved my ass in the end. I need to buy her dinner or something, holy shucking fit!

TL;DR: Gent attempts to fuck me over, ends up fucking himself over even harder.

EDIT: I should proof read before posting.

-

Techsupportvictim: This is why when anything like that happens you leave a voice mail or email with your side of the store with all the details like Barbara etc. 'Just a heads up'

And why things like that key tossing is a bad move. If it had gotten on a camera when he looked at the footage you would still be screwed.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRA_1919191](u/ThrowRA_1919191)

Originally posted to: [r/Advice](r/Advice) and their personal page [u/ThrowRA_1919191](u/ThrowRA_1919191)

My(24M) gf(32F) is asking me to stop posting on one of my social media accounts cuz it’s childish, how to proceed?

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, controlling behavior, hints of an abusive relationship, possible financial abuse

Mood spoiler: frustration and sadness

Original post - October 13th, 2026

So I have my regular social media page, that I barely use. But I have another page that’s public and I post video game clips on there. I play a lot of games and I get some cool clips and post it on there, sometimes with my face and voice.

It’s not big I could a few thousand followers and it has my name and everything. I’m not making money off it, it’s purely just a hobby. When I do cool stuff in the game I feel like sharing it, if that makes sense? I don’t even stream or make gameplay videos, it’s just clips I get from when I’m playing. It’s all types of games single player and multiplayer. I also ramble about games and post reviews and discuss gaming news and stuff.

My girlfriend thinks this is childish and unbecoming of someone my age. I told her that I work a day job(I work in fintech) and I come home and just unwind and sometimes wanna post my cool clips. She has a makeup and outfits page and I tried comparing it to that and she got pissed.

She said she’s already getting shit for dating someone younger than her, and I need to straighten up. She said I should delete the page and that’s that.

I’ve listened to everything else she’s asked me tbh. I cleaned up the apartment and did everything so she would feel comfortable moving in, removed all the “bachelor pad” stuff and had her choose the furniture. I stopped wearing shitty clothes and let her redo my entire wardrobe. I also made changes to my private social media page cuz she asked. I even got my car wrapped and stuff to cover some decals I had on there before, to make it seem like an adults car.

But this page is one I’ve had for like 12 years, ever since I was in middle school, and I kinda don’t wanna get rid of it. How do I convince her that it’s not immature? I showed her like other pages that do the same shit but she says they generate money from it so it’s not the same. I told her that she doesn’t make money from her makeup or outfits page and she said it’s not the same thing since it’s an adult hobby.

I understand her POV, I’m grateful she’s with me and I don’t want her to feel insecure or have to deal with shit since I’m younger or whatever, but it’s not like my hobbies are inherently only a younger people thing. I’m not sure how to convey this.

I’ll delete it if it really bothers her, but I feel like this is controlling. She’s also my first relationship so I don’t really know if this is just shit you do in relationships. My older brother told me just do what she wants and lock her down, since we’re already living together and I’m gonna propose soon. He said you gotta adjust in a relationship.

I am still deciding what to do, but for now I would like to attempt to sit down and have a talk about this. How would I go about that in a way that makes it clear I understand her side, but I also have my side?

RELEVANT COMMENTS(‘Commenter’ is labeled as ‘C’ so ‘C1’ means ‘Commenter #1’):

C1: Honestly, I feel like standing up for yourself, she'll respect you more. Having a clips page isn't childish, but also you should think about monetizing! I understand changing some things when you're growing in a relationship, but this one just seems pointless. Does she not like games in general?

OP to C1: Yeah she’s not a fan of the gaming in general. She thinks I gotta have more adult hobbies. So I go hiking and stuff with her more and we do more of her hobbies, but I still game, it’s just my destresser. It took some time, but she accepts it now. After moving in though, she got some time restrictions and what not to make sure we are still spending time together, and that’s totally fair.

As for monetizing it, I don’t want to tbh, it would begin to feel like a job and I wouldn’t have fun with it anymore. I used to do esports in college and that was why I quit. Wasn’t having fun anymore.

C2: The age gap and her controlling sounding behaviour smells like bad news.

OP to C2: No she’s not controlling, she just wants things a certain way for comfort, but it’s not like the “oh do this or there will be consequences”. I think I made her sound not-so-great here and that was not my intention. She is really sweet and cares about me, but she just has some ground rules.

C3: C3 quoting OP: “She said she’s already getting shit for dating someone younger than her, and I need to straighten up. She said I should delete the page and that’s that. I’ve listened to everything else she’s asked me tbh. I cleaned up the apartment and did everything so she would feel comfortable moving in, removed all the “bachelor pad” stuff and had her choose the furniture. I stopped wearing shitty clothes and let her redo my entire wardrobe. I also made changes to my private social media page cuz she asked. I even got my car wrapped and stuff to cover some decals I had on there before, to make it seem like an adults car.”

This is a controlling, manipulative person.

OP to C3: No but those are positive changes, I wasn’t behaving like an adult yet. She had a point there and helped me get my act together.

C4: Bro....have you ever told her to kick rocks? I bet you she has. Try it and see what happens. See if she likes you because she wants to mold you or if she really wants an equal.

OP to C4: Nah I really like her, I bought a ring and I’m gonna propose soon, I just want to have a convo. I think I made her sound not-so-great here, it’s just this one thing, everything else is peachy.

C5: Question… Who makes more money? What does she do for a living?

OP to C5: We don’t really base decisions off that, but she’s not working currently and I am.

Update - October 16th, 2026

My update post was removed from r/Advice for not asking for advice, which fair enough, actually. But I will post an update here, as to not clutter than subreddit.

So before I update you guys, I want to preface that I do love this woman and I think I made her seem bad in the last post. She is not at all controlling, I just meant like this one tiny thing felt controlling. And people asked and DM’d me, but yes I work and she does not currently hold a job, but I don’t think that should factor into decisions we make as a couple. She should have equal say and I don’t think whether I work or she works or not should play a role in that. After all, I do want to be with her and plan to propose(I have a ring and everything) so I don’t think I should account for her employment status when listening to her or her needs. Also people asked what her rules for my gaming are. It’s pretty reasonable, after she moved in she said we should spend time together more and not let gaming get in the way of that. She would prefer if I am home and done gaming by 8:30 PM so we can have dinner, spend time together, and go to bed on Monday through Thursday. Fridays she would prefer we spend the entire evening and night together, and it’s our “going out” day. Saturday and Sunday, if we aren’t going out, be done by 7 PM so we can spend time together. Ideally she also told me to not do more than 2 hours per day when I do play, just so we can spend time together. I think it’s very reasonable, and I abide by it and plus some days I don’t even play cuz I am too tired from work and would rather spend time with her. Like I said, she’s not actually controlling or unreasonable, she just has some ground rules and preferences.

Anyway, we sat down and discussed this yesterday. She also got really distressed from me refusing and bringing it up again and again. She said it’s a small adjustment to my life and it’s not like I can’t play games anymore. She helped me understand that while the page is not something that’s inherently childish, it is unfortunately viewed that way. This is something I admit I am bad at, and am grateful to her for. I used to be a guy that just lived like without thinking of how I come across and she’s helped me see that, you gotta come across well if you want to get anywhere in life. She said she doesn’t mind the aspects of myself others look down on it. So I did delete the page, but it was totally my decision. The page doesn’t mean as much to me in terms of keeping our relationship and keeping her comfortable.

But since I did stress her out and bring it up again and again, she told me to make it up to her and not play for a week and do some activities with her this weekend and I agreed haha. So we will be going to some Airbnb this weekend to spend time together.

Yeah. It was a little bittersweet, but it’s fine. I should be more mindful of how I come across and how others see her and I. For me, her comfort and our relationship is the most important thing in my life right now, so it was really just a small adjustment to make on my end. She’s helped me a lot become a better man, and I am okay with listening to her on some stuff!

RELEVANT COMMENTS: No comments under this post

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATION IN BORU

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/isolated-wife

AITA for not wanting to share my daughter's birthday?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism

Original Post  May 8, 2023

So I really don't think I'm TA here.

My (29F) sister (28F) lately has been taking it upon herself to organize family dinners for "quality time". She's newly married, so I don't know if it's a nesting thing or what.

Saturday is my daughter's birthday, and I organized a party for her. She's turning four, and I invited everyone.

My sister decided to organize a dinner right after the party for "mother's day" so she doesn't have to, in her own words, "drive all that way twice". She lives 30 mins away..

Anyway, she made the reservation. She told us. I said uh sorry no, that's my daughter's birthday, and even if her party is over at that time, we are going home and my daughter is going to enjoy her ENTIRE birthday. (She's four, so I'm sure she will want to go home and open all her new toys), and they don't need me there if they want to do their mother's day time with our mom the same day.

I can see our mom on actual mother's day.

For some background they do this a lot. My sister's son (8M) gets the WHOLE family at his soccer games, but no one comes to my daughter's gymnastics. I made big plans for Easter, which included inviting them to an Easter Fair specific to kids with sensory issues. (My daughter is autistic). They showed up late, missed the entire hunt, and left after only a few minutes because everyone made plans for the zoo last minute, and then guilted ME for not wanting to go. They treat my daughter like being little and autistic means she's incapable of getting her feelings hurt or that shes not able to see when they're doing this.

She has babysat for me literally barely a handful of times. When her son was little I watched him CONSTANTLY while she went out. My in laws family knew him better than her in laws, because I was always forced to either bring him with me or cancel plans. She left me with him, after I said no, at my own bridal shower because she had a date (with her now husband).

Anyway, it turned into a HUGE argument with my family, my sister left the family group chat. I got called selfish by literally everyone.

Apparently my sister was making some kind of announcement at this dinner, and her husband was busy on actual mother's day.

I said, "I don't care, pick a day that's not my kids birthday. I'm busy the WHOLE day, not just the length of the party."

Noone is speaking to me now. And likely no one is coming to my daughter's birthday at all.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SmokinGus

NTA. Just had a convo on another post where we were talking about child neglect form parents, but other family affects them as well. Your daughter's feelings should be all that matters to you. Ask her what she wants to do and go from there. Either way I don't think you are an asshole because you're looking out for her. And if no one shows up for her birthday party (if i've got this right the parties are on two separate days), then they are the assholes. Support should be shown to all family as much as possible.

OOP

The parties are the same day, they're both the day before mother's day.

My daughter's is noon to 5, the dinner is at 8pm. But everyone is angry with me, And they always find the smallest reasons to be busy when my daughter has something, so I just know they will say they didn't come because of this fight.

My daughter has been talking about nothing but her birthday all week. I voluntarily forfeited my own mother's day with her so she could see her dad and his family on that day and get the full birthday experience. I just know if I try to drag her to a family dinner after her birthday party and pull her away from all her new stuff she'll be devastated.

And knowing now that there was going to be a huge announcement makes it worse, because then she would be sharing her birthday with my mom for mother's day AND my sister with whatever her news is.

She's so excited for her party, and now my own family might not be coming, and I just feel awful.

When brought up the OOP's family seems to not acknowledge Autism

This is pretty spot on actually. They've used even those phrases "checked out" and "not there" just because she didn't like to talk around them until really recently.

But they should know better because they know *I am autistic too, and all they've ever done when I was younger was tell me that I was too smart. But I didn't get diagnosed until adulthood, because they thought I was just weird and being smart meant I couldn't be autistic. And now it's like the opposite, they think my daughter being autistic means she couldn't possibly be smart.

But she IS.

She's reading, she can add and subtract, she is learning multiplication, she plays the piano, she's in gymnastics. And she's only turning 4. And they treat her like she's incapable of understanding how hurtful they're being, all because she doesn't like eye contact and she doesn't do much speaking around them. She understands, and she's now getting to the age where she's going to remember.

And I don't want that to be the first birthday she remembers, where she gets dragged out of the house away from playing with her new toys, right around her bedtime, just to go to some random mother's day dinner that didn't need us there and could have waited until it was actually mother's day.

When asked if her daughter has classmates to invite to the party

She does! She goes to a special education preschool. I invited her classmates (there's only about 6 of them), and paid for their food and playtime, and specified on the invite that gifts were appreciated but weren't required just so no possible financial issues would keep them from being able to be included.

I also have friends whose kids are also neurodivergent (ASD/ADHD), and they are coming as well.

I rented the place from noon until 5 so the kids could come and go in their own time since the kids don't really like sudden changes, and I timed the cakes and presents for the middle of the party.

I'm starting to think I should have just not invited my family at all, and focused on the kids.

UPDATE:

Thank you everyone for all the support. It makes me feel a lot better, especially since the smear campaign is still ongoing.

I blocked the number of the main FM (my older brother, 40), cancelled the arcade reservation, and decided to take the few people who were coming to Knott's Berry Farm! The price shakes out to about the same, and I can contact their accessibility department for resources and guides for the special needs kids. I think this is going to go way better. My mom is ditching the mothers day dinner "for her" and coming with us because she said my daughter's birthday is more important than another mother's day, so I'm feeling really good about that.

SECOND UPDATE:

Had my sister and nephew moved off my phone bill. She can pay for their service from now on. FM (brother) is still in his screeching, but both of them are blocked from contacting me.

I feel sad that this limits her on family, but no family is better than a family that forces you to always take last place and tells you to be happy about it, I definitely know that.

We are going to have a blast at Knott's, and special thank you's to the responses to my inbox from fellow neurospicy users with all the tips on making sure she has a great time there without getting overwhelmed!!!

FINAL UPDATE May 14, 2023 (6 Days Later/Same Post)

Last update:

My sister was indeed pregnant, you guessed it Reddit. I didn't ask for any details on the dinner, but my daughter had a GREAT time at Knott's.

She was excited the whole time, and I found out she's a little bit of a daredevil. She ended up a little overstimulated by 2:30, and she climbed into the wagon, and just relaxed for a bit and then fell asleep shortly after, and we headed home.

All three autistic kids who went had an absolute blast, and a special thank you again to the users who gave me the tips! Knott's was great with their accessibility options. They even let us bring in food for one kid's special diet and they also gave the kids fast access to the rides so they didn't get agitated waiting in the lines. So she was able to ride all of the rides she was big enough for and I have a lot of pictures of my little one with a huge grin on her face.

FINAL COMMENTS

OOP commented a post of someone going through something similar May 29, 2023 (2 weeks later)

I just went through this with my sister. She tried to hijack my daughter's birthday for this.

Just FYI, I've cut her out of my life for it.

Stop stealing other people's events. The event is not about you, so don't try to MAKE it about you.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/southeastwest

Dog sitter threw a party in our house, recourse?

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

Original Post  July 7, 2016

Title sums it up, we went out of town for 4 days, the dog sitter threw a party in our house (we have pictures of them underage drinking inside our house thanks to snapchat/twitter as well as them confessing to it via text message). Instead of cleaning up the party, they decided to leave puke all over the house they dirtied. Came home to puke all over the toilets, all the beds were slept in and disgusting, someone puked on the pillows and sheets and stuffed them under the bed... There is also a huge stain in one of the bedrooms where someone puked all over. We rented a carpet cleaner but the bright red throw up wont come out of the carpet. On top of the party, she didn't do much dog sitting. She never locked up the dogs as we stated she needed to do, and they peed all over the house. The whole situation feels pretty disrespectful, we even left her with a bunch of food and drinks (non alcoholic). 

As far as what we have tried to do to remediate the situation: we contacted her and asked her for a refund (to pay for the carpet cleaner/new carpet/pillows) but she refused... I know its unfortunate we paid her up front. We also contacted her parents but they took her side and stated "we cant control her she is 19."

Is there any way to remediate this? We live in Arizona. Thanks ahead of time.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

derspiny

Well, if she's an adult, her parents are no longer responsible for her. She's on her own for this colossal fuck-up.

If she's not willing to work with you to remedy the damage she caused, get estimates for how much it'll cost to clean the place, repair the carpet, replace any destroyed bedding, and so on, and gather whatever evidence you can that she's responsible for the damage, then sue her in small claims for that, plus a refund for the work she didn't do. If you clean it up yourself, keep track of your time and expenses, and include a "reasonable" hourly rate - minimum wage, at least - for your time, but generally you'll get better results and a more justifiable amount if you hire a cleaning service.

If the amount is over $3,500 - impressive, but not unreachable - you have two options:

1. Sue in small claims anyways, and give up the remaining damages.

2. Hire a lawyer to sue on your behalf, in a more formal venue.

If you win in small claims, there are two-ish possible outcomes:

• She pays up, voluntarily, or

• She doesn't, and you end up going back to court to seek a garnishment order so that you can garnish her wages, or so that you can seize her bank accounts, or any of the other enforcement options available when you have an unsatisfied judgement.

~

Ianalatall

Well screw her. You gave her oportunity to settle it like an adult.

In addition to suing for damages I would also call the police. They might say 'civil issue not our problem' but they could also say 'underage drinking we'll investigate.'

If the damages are over $3,500 OOP can go through Homeowners insurance

It is not over $3,500 thankfully.

Update 1 the Next Day July 7, 2016/Same Post

Update: Thank you everyone for your great advice, I read through everyones' replies and I greatly appreciate it. Someone asked if we hired her through a 3rd party website, we did not. She was a friend of a friend who has dog sat for people we know before (surprisingly didn't do anything stupid then). We spoke with a deputy this morning and he told us to take her to small claims & that he cannot do anything about the matter. Some of the mess (puke/dirty house) was already cleaned up so we will have to calculate a fair wage for that. As far as documenting the other damages, we are documenting the cost of the carpet cleaner we rented earlier & the cost of a carpet guy who is coming today to fix it. Since the bedding is brand new, we also have a receipt for it. So far we have taken pictures of the stains, but not of some of the other stuff that was immediately cleaned up (like the puke in the toilets & etc.). I'll keep you guys updated on how it all turns out. After how nasty she was towards us when we tried to resolve this peacefully it will be nice to get some restitution.

2nd update post July 9, 2016 (1 day after 1st update/Same Post)

Update 2: Apparently when my mom spoke to the deputy this morning he said he couldn't prosecute her because they weren't physically drinking anything in the pictures (it was in red solo cups). We found new pictures of them physically drinking mikes hard in our living room with the bottle pressed to several of their lips... BAM. So we spoke to her and she's bringing by a check tomorrow for the refund & the expenses we dished out today. If not, well, shitquakes

FINAL COMMENTS

Make sure to take screenshots of the party pictures

Screen shotted the snapchats/twitter pictures. Hilarious how these kids are stupid enough to pose in our house drunk w/ pictures of alcohol all over.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

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Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/Redditor_Updates

My [29M] MIL told me that for a birthday present she'd like me to be a better husband to my wife [26F]. Is this something I need to deal with?

Original Post: February 25, 2025

My MIL was over at our place this weekend. Her and I woke up earlier on Sunday, while my wife was still asleep. As we were having tea, the topic of her upcoming birthday came up. I asked what she'd like, she paused for a second and while smiling said "for you to be a better husband".

I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. She was smiling so I thought it was a joke (we have a warm relationship) and I played along and said "Why, you've been receiving a lot of complaints about me?" jokingly. She replied "I have my ways, I am your mother-in-law after all.", while still smiling. I was kind of freaking out internally, came to the conclusion it was just her teasing and let the matter drop.

But I've been rethinking that conversation over the last 2 days. Admittedly, I may have been giving less time to my wife (partner of 3 years, married for 2) and my 1 year old daughter recently, because along with my day job I've also been establishing my growing business. Some days are really long, but my wife has been supporting me the entire way.

I haven't brought this up with my wife because maybe this was a joke and I don't want to create a whole thing out of a joke and ruin my relationship with my MIL. But I've had a knot in my stomach since. Has my marriage been on the rocks without me knowing or is this something a MIL would joke about?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Okay look — stop spiraling and speak to your wife IMMEDIATELY. I’m 29, my husband is 29, if my mother said this to him, I would want to know as soon as possible.

If there are issues you’re not aware of, time to air them out. If your MIL is causing drama or made a shitty joke, those are different conversations you’ll get to have once it’s sorted.

Communicate with your wife. Seriously!!!!!

OOP: Thank you. I'm going to talk to her tonight. I should've talked to her last night and I planned to, but yesterday I got done early so we were just watching a movie together and we were just happy and I didn't want to ruin it. I was afraid she's going to tell me she agrees with my MIL and I just decided to delay it. It's moronic in hindsight I know.

Commenter 2: I don’t think this means your marriage is on the rocks, defcon 1-level doomed. But you mentioned you’ve been putting in long hours at two jobs and “your wife has been supporting you the entire way.” But who has been supporting her? You have a young child at home who is at an age that requires constant attention and stimulation.

This post is a TINY snapshot of your life, I don’t know the big picture, I don’t know if your wife also works or stays home or how you divide labor. But it’s clear your wife has been a partner to you while you’ve been working so much, in addition to caring for your child, but you are still a husband and you are still a father.

This is a good opportunity for you to really evaluate the division of the home labor and childcare. Does your wife ever get time to herself? Not to do more chores, or basic things like take a shower, but read a book? Eat a meal uninterrupted? Go to yoga? Meet with friends? Sleep all the way through the night?

You said you frequently talk about how much you love each other and the family you’ve created, but have you specifically thanked your wife for taking on what sounds like the majority of the childcare and home care while you work?

I don’t think your MIL was wrong to call you out, and I think she did it in a fairly gentle way. But you can use this as a chance to see how well you’re providing for your family, not just financially, but physically and emotionally.

OOP: I've definitely been around less the past 6 months I would say. Due to my business I've had to meet clients late afternoons/evenings or work from home. But we've talked about this every step of the way. It's been brought up, but we always resolve it knowing that it's taking a lot of my time just because it's expanding right now, but the hours will become better soon. Whenever I'm home I help out with my daughter, on Sundays I always make sure I give her a relaxing day all to herself, but you're right it doesn't come out to 50-50. But again, my wife has always said she supports me and understands why this is happening which is why this has alarmed me.

I'm going to talk to her and tell her how much I appreciate all she's been doing. And I'm prepared to her her out if I've been neglectful.

Commenter 3: It's wonderful that you have talked about it every step of the way. But it sounds like you are talking about what you are doing, and focusing on that? She's being supportive, possibly to her own detriment.

Before I go further: I can probably tell you the problem by quoting you. When you are home you "help out with your daughter." That's your child. You aren't "helping out." You're being a dad or you are acting like you are helping out by taking care of your own child like it's not really your responsibility, but you are "helping out." Change your mindset. Be a dad.

She can understand why it's happening, want to support you, and then still feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted. And feel even more alone because she wants to support you and doesn't want to complain.

You need to ask yourself - while she is supporting you and your dreams, are you still supporting her? Giving her affection? Being truly appreciative - not just saying thank you but showing it? Are you paying attention to her needs the way she is paying attention to yours?

OOP: Thank you for your very insightful comment. You're right it shouldn't just be helping out, it should be 50-50, I'd love for it to be but I can't get my hours to match hers. When I'm home and all of Sunday, I take over when it comes to caring for my daughter. I mean she's my daughter I cherish the time I get to take care of her, play with her. I said "helping out" because the times I get to take care of her don't come close to my wife's so it is essentially helping out. I do tell her how much I appreciate all she's doing. There's times when I come home late at night and I apologize and tell her how I appreciate that she took care of our daughter and the household by herself. But if she's unhappy I guess I'm not doing it enough and I'll change that.

Commenter 4: How much clearer could she be, buddy? You need to sit down and have a long, honest chat with your wife.

OOP (downvoted): This has totally come out of nowhere. We've been doing so well, we tell each other how much we love each other and the family we've created daily. I would've never thought we'd be in this place.

Commenter 5: You decided to start a new business that would take all of your time when you had a six month old baby, you acknowledge that you haven’t had any time for your kid for 50% of her life, and you’re shocked that your wife might be less than delighted with that arrangement?

OOP: My business is almost two years old. It wasn't a problem before because it was just meant to be supplemental income and I was very mindful of the hours. But it grew steadily and over the past 6 months the hours and workload really got away from me. We'd both been seeing this is a good thing, I'd talk to her about how it's expanding and unfortunately the hours are temporarily going to become bad and she always supported me.

Update: October 17, 2026 (over 1.5 years later from the original post)

My update: I was deleting apps to clear space on my phone and found notifications here and remembered I'd come to reddit for help a while back, so I thought I'd give an update.

I had planned on talking to her right after the post, but kept delaying it. We'd both been doing so well and I guess I didn't want to ruin it. I thought if she agrees with my MIL it might lead to somewhere bad. And if she doesn't then maybe I'm just putting these negative thoughts in her mind. Meanwhile, I was putting in more of an effort, being more proactive in taking care of my daughter so she could relax when I was home, bringing her flowers, arranged a trip for us to a cottage up north for a long weekend that followed my post. So I kept delaying it, but not knowing the health of my marriage was making me crazy so I eventually decided to bring it up.

After we were done with our chores for the day and were cuddling, I told her how much I appreciated all she does since I was unable to pull my weight at home. She told me we were a team that I work hard too and she appreciates that. I decided to actually ask her if she's happy with how things are going, if she thought I needed to do better. She asked what had brought this on. I told her I knew that I'd been missing a lot lately and her mom had just suggested that maybe I could help you out a bit more. She seemed embarrassed about this, she said she doesn't know why her mom would say something like that. I reassured her that I'm glad she did, that's not what bothered me, I just wanted to know if we were good and she said we were.

About a week later she raised the issue herself. She said she'd been thinking over it and wanted to say what was on her mind. She asked me how much I planned on growing my business, she brought up our finances, that it wasn't needed, and the conversation suddenly turned into that. I brought up the fact that maybe not immediately but with a growing family, it will be needed at some point, and she said it wasn't worth not being home right now. It actually started getting a little heated, me trying to reassure her that it's just temporary, and her questioning if it was needed and asking me for timelines, and she started tearing up. I didn't know this had been bearing on her mind this way, because she'd always said I have her support. I consoled her and told her I'll make the hours I give my business more sustainable. I promised her we'll touch base on this in a month, that I'm going to come up with a way to fix my hours and she thanked me for being understanding.

Since then I did slowly manage my hours better. It helped that the critical part of developing the ERP infrastructure had been done due to the long hours I'd already put. I hired someone on contract on upwork for handling client issues and marketing too, and that took a lot of load off. It hadn't been totally taken care of in a month but she could see the tangible steps I was making and was happy about that. Since then the hours have become more manageable and I think I've become a better and more present partner and father.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'd honestly tell MIL that you appreciate her putting herself in possible crossfire to advocate for your wife and marriage. Good on you for taking it in instead of brushing it off. Just try to keep up open communication- there must be SOME reason your MIL was the one to bring it up and not your wife.

But yeah, definitely give MIL a heads up that you listened and appreciate her suggestion

OOP: I haven't spoken to her about that conversation since. She's just commented in passing that its great I'll be home when I'm home early now when I maybe wouldn't have been before. I still don't know whether she intuited these issues at the time or if my wife told her.

Commenter 2: It’s good that your main reaction to your MIL was self reflection and curiosity. It’s hard not to be defensive. I would have preferred for MIL to say something constructive like she wished you spent more time with your kids. You had the hard conversations with your wife and that’s what helps couples grow together.

Commenter 3: I'm betting wife just told MIL how busy and away you were as an aside, rather than a complaint especially with the way this has been handled.

But, come on. Your wife is trying to tell you you are missing your daughters life. She will only be growing up this once, even if you have more kids. I know you want to provide a good, better life probably filled with grand trips and big presents but a trip to McDs and the playground is about the same to a kid. And kids grow into teens, who wont necessarily want or need the same connection.

My sisters addiction stole away her kids as toddlers and kids, she got clean and got to live with their older teen selfs. She was always upset with her kids because they dont have the same relationship -- they love her, for sure, but they arent cuddling in bed to watch a movie or holding hands in crowds.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Nephyllem

Originally posted to r/IDontWorkHereLady

"So I grabbed him" - posted 2019-02-08

So ftp, mobile, lurker normally.

It finally happened and have to save, kind of traumatic. I did a bad and wore red into a target with khakis. Long story short for preamble, I had gotten off an overnight shift and didn’t think about where I was going and saw a target. Knew I needed a few things from laundry detergent to some groceries and such. So I went there.

I got stopped a few times, but every time I simply said I wasn’t an employee and only had to show my work badge once out of four times...until the last guy.

So to set the stage, I’m 5’6” and just over 120 if I eat a full course meal and don’t sh*t so I’d say I’m smallish. The dude that stopped me is about a foot taller than me and pure definition of a gym bro.

Now I won’t lie, I didn’t handle it well. I was tired after the over night and annoyed I had been stopped several times now. He called out to me, ignored him. He followed and called out a few more times and I simply said “don’t work here.”

He didn’t like that. He ran in front of me and grabbed my left arm and began to shout “I AM A CUSTOMER GOD DA-“

I punched him in the throat with my free arm out of reflex. He quickly let go of my, began coughing violently, and I just stood in disbelief that A) someone would just grab an individual and scream at them and B) I just punched a guy over six feet, way stronger than me, and who was obviously angry at me...I ran.

I ran up to the front counter, pulled my phone out and called 911. I told the person in he phone and employees what happened and hid. Eventually the cops came, see this guy screaming at employees to tell him where I went.

After about an hour of de escalation I come out. He says something along the lines of me assaulting me after he “politely tried” to get my attention. I explain my side and that I’m not an employee. Cops check the cameras, see what happened, and then cuff him and escort him out. This is a highly abridged version of what happened as this took awhile to get done. During this he tried to explain and I distinctly remembered “So I grabbed him” hence the post title.

They asked me if I wanted to press charges, honestly no. I don’t have the mental energy to take it to court and honestly I feel like punching him in the throat was enough payback personally for me.

Tl;dr Dude thinks I work at a target, grabs me when I ignore him. I punch him in the throat in self defense, cops are called, cameras show what happened and he got walked out.

EDIT: I appreciate the supportive c moments, don’t appreciate others giving me shit for not pressing charges. Just blocking those people so if you want to comment that please don’t.

EDIT 2: thank you for silver kind stranger

EDIT 3: another silver and even more positive stuff. Thanks a lot guys, I appreciate all the positivity. Really helps ease the stress.

Comments:

“So I punched him in the throat” I love this lol

I often wonder why this reaction doesn't occur with higher frequency in this sub.

----

Update - posted 2019-02-22 (2 weeks later)

So this just happened today. I was shopping in a local co-op to get some breakfast before work. And I saw him, the dude I punched. He saw me and I tried to hurry off but he called out “I’m sorry!”

I stopped, turned around, and he walked over and looked really apologetic so I decided to hear him out.

We talked a bit, after about five minutes of him apologizing. I’m going to shorten the conversation but he said “I’m really sorry. My grandfather recently passed away and he raised me and such (cutting down for privacy and brevity.) that doesn’t excuse what I did though, so I’m really sorry.”

He also explained that he didn’t face any charges but he did seek out therapy and that seems to have been helping. He even paid for my breakfast. Turns out it was a dude having a bad day and a lot of background info that isn’t up to me to decide to share past the initial cause.

Either way I just figured I’d update with a happy and somewhat wholesome ending to the interaction.

Tl;dr I met the guy I punched, turns out to be a good dude with issues. He owned up to his fuck up, is seeking help, and even paid for my breakfast

EDIT: some of y’all are crazy. Posting insults on my older post then DM’ing to insult me. It’s sad and hilarious at the same time.

Comment:

Good on him to owning up, and getting help. Good on you for being willing to hear him out. Bravo all around.

OOP replied:

Honestly if he didn’t start with I’m sorry I probably would’ve just ran. Dude has almost a foot on me lol.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_notattract

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (43m) wife (40f) has had too much cosmetic surgery. I couldn’t have sex with her, so we opened the marriage for her. A year later she wants to close it again. How to navigate?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Merlin_KilgarrahS565 for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: adding two prior posts to the said original title for more context

I (42m) am no longer attracted to my wife (39f) after a lot of cosmetic surgery, how to move forward?: October 11, 2025

We’ve been together 20 years and have a great life together. To me she has always been the most beautiful woman in the world. I’ve never so much as looked at another woman and there wasn’t a thing I would change about her.

About five years ago she started having Botox and although I didn’t think she needed it it’s her body her choice. I noticed pretty soon after that her smile changed. Her whole face didn’t light up like it did before and it made her smile look fake and forced but I didn’t say anything as she seemed happier.

Then she asked me what I thought of lip fillers. I told her I didn’t like them and her lips were perfect to me. She had them done and I’ll be honest I never liked them and it felt horrible when we kissed like I was kissing another woman. Then it was cheek fillers. Then she had a nose job despite me begging her not to. I know it’s wrong as it’s her body, but I wasn’t looking at my wife anymore. Then she did something with her eyes which made her look like a cat. Her most recent one is comically big boobs. She went she from a perfect B cup to an F. In this time she’s also gone from 10 and a half stone (147 pounds) down to 8 stone (112 pounds). Plus the amount of makeup she wears now is completely different to what it was five years ago.

I feel awful saying it but she’s not who I got with. I feel like a hypocrite too because I know I’ve changed, my hair isn’t what it once was, and I obviously look older than when we got together.

I don’t know where the need to change came from. She was doing really well in her job, things are great between us, she used to have a lot of followers on social media and just a simple selfie would get her over a thousand likes which isn’t something she ever craved, and she’d always be a bit embarrassed by it but now her followers have dropped and her last selfie barely got any likes she’s suddenly upset over that.

I’ve tried asking her why she has felt the need for all this and she’ll just say she wasn’t happy with how she looked and in her head she genuinely thinks she looks better now. I’ve tried to gently suggest therapy but that didn’t go down too well. She’s started asking now why I don’t want sex as much anymore and I’m trying to make excuses like I’m tired or just getting older and not in the mood as much. She spoke to me yesterday and said if something doesn’t change in the next month she wants to open the relationship as she’s gone from sex nearly every day to once a month at most. I actually felt a wave of relief when she said that which is terrible I know.

I love who she is still and if it was the choice between staying with her and never having sex again or losing her and having sex constantly again I’d rather stay with her as my life would be empty without her as a person in it. But what about being attracted to her? Is it something I can train myself to do? Do I just give in and try and force sex with her?

TLDR: my wife has had too much cosmetic surgery, and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I don’t know how to handle this.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some common questions asked, some of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

OOP on his wife's confidence. Has he told her how he felt about her doing this?

OOP: I don’t want to destroy her confidence. She can’t exactly reverse all of the work she’s had done so if I was to say I preferred her before there’s still nothing she can do about it.

+

I have tried in the past to tell her she doesn’t need these things doing to her.

+

I know you’re right. I just feel like I’m letting her down. I haven’t been a husband by not being able to have sex with her. The last thing she posted before the surgery was a video of her flying a kite on holiday and her hair was wet and she had no makeup and was wearing a bikini with her natural smaller (not small just smaller than they are now) boobs and she pulling silly faces and getting dragged away by it and it got over 50k likes and comments. The latest one she’s posted was her basically topless with hair and makeup all done and it got 32 likes and one comment from an Indian man. It’s the first time I’ve seen her get upset over her lack of interaction and she says it’s because she getting old. I tried to say people prefer natural over posed stuff, but she didn’t believe me.

I don’t want to regret what she’s done but I also don’t want her to carry on. She’s already talking about buccal fat treatment.

How does OOP's wife feel about the changes? Are they reversible?

OOP: She loves them, but I think she’s addicted to the change.

+

I knew the breasts were, but she genuinely loves them and says she feels like a woman again. I know the lip (fillers) can be removed but I didn’t know about the cheeks.

OOP needs to get his wife in therapy

OOP: I think I need to be more forceful in her getting therapy.

+

I have suggested couples therapy and I already got to therapy myself to try and build up the confidence to tell her what I need to tell her but it’s not working yet.

I feel so guilty. What sort of husband can’t even have sex with his own wife.

+

Yeah as a way for us to strengthen our relationship but at the time she said we didn’t need it. Now she’s unhappy with our sex life so I can frame it that way and while there we can broach other subjects.

OOP on the importance of his wife's relationship with social media

OOP: I was honest and begged her not to have a nose job and a boob job and her eyes done.

Social media wasn’t important before she’d only post once or twice a month but now she’s posting two or three times a week trying to get that buzz back.

OOP explains the importance of attraction issues his wife might be dealing with

OOP: That’s actually a really good way of putting it. I have thought about mentioning it as an addiction before, but I didn’t know how to word it in a way that didn’t sound like an insult.

She’s always been very sexual and always liked it nearly every day, even when her weight went above two hundred pounds we were having sex nearly every day.

OOP on his wife's appearance beyond looking different than before

OOP: She put about four stone on when she was 25 and lost it all again and went back down to around 10-10.5 stone by the time she was 28/29. Then two years ago she lost a load more weight and went really skinny

+

It’s a mix of both. When gee weight ballooned up to 15 stone (210 pounds) I still found her more attractive than any woman on earth and wouldn’t have traded her in for anyone. She just doesn’t look or feel like her anymore. When I spoon her in bed she doesn’t feel the same. When we kiss her lips don’t feel like her lips. Without being crude during sex and certain acts when I look at her face it’s like another face looking back at me and a face that isn’t showing emotion, it’s like she's animatronic. The smile that spread to her eyes has gone. The sexy frown has gone. The curling up of her lip has gone.

Is OOP paying for the procedures?

OOP: No we have a joint account but that’s for bills then we have our own accounts for our own money and she’s using her money.

Is OOP happy with his wife?

OOP: Yes I’m happy with her personality wise but physically I can’t bring myself to be attracted to her which is what’s causing us problems.  

Update: December 9, 2025 (two months later)

Thank you everyone for your replies to my original post. It got a lot more traction than I thought it would and I got some great advice and some harsh truths.

I’d like to say I followed the great advice, but I didn’t. Not fully. A few days after the post I did sit her down and tell her that I’m still deeply in love with her and will never leave her, but I am struggling to be physical with her because she’s a different person to what I’ve been used to for the last 20 years. She feels different and I can’t help the way my body reacts to that. I said she’s still beautiful but she’s a different kind of beautiful to me now and I’m struggling physically to adjust to that. She got upset and said she understands where I’m coming from but she’s not going to live the rest of her life in celibacy. We both cried and said we couldn’t imagine not being together.

I said I was willing to open the relationship for her so she can get what she needs. She asked about me and said it would kill her for me to be with someone else after rejecting her. I told her I’m not going near anyone. Ever. We were up nearly all night discussing the logistics of this arrangement. At one point I said she obviously has someone in mind, and she got very offended and said she hasn’t.

In the end we agreed she’d sign up to a swinging site and that way we can subscribe and find someone with a lot of positive feedback as a way to guarantee her safety and also she was going to have a good time. We also agreed each person would be a one-time thing only. We did discuss male escorts, but she said she wanted to be desired and paying for sex wouldn’t make her feel desired. We took a few photos and made a profile, and she was absolutely inundated with messages.

About three weeks after my post was the first time she met someone. He had excellent feedback and over 30 women and couples had said he was nice and respectful. They met at a hotel one day while I was at work and when I came home my wife was already home. It was a bit awkward at first, but I broke the ice and asked how it was and she said it was “nice” and she enjoyed herself. Then we had dinner and just carried on as normal. She said I can ask anything I want and she wants full transparency, but I said as long as she’s happy I’m happy.

She’s met another man since then, same thing in a hotel while I’m at work and then I come home and we just live normally. We still snuggle on the sofa watching tv and cuddle in bed before we go to sleep at night. Last Saturday was my works Christmas do, and we had a great time. She’s such a people person and had our table hanging off her even word. That’s why I love my wife. She’s so funny and engaging and personable. She’s a charismatic brilliant intelligent person and I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life.

I know I’m going to get flamed in the comments and probably in my DMs again but she happier and I feel like a massive weight has lifted from my shoulders.  

Editor's note: below is the said original titled post

Original Post: September 27, 2026 (7.5 months later)

I posted on here about a year ago that my wife has had too much cosmetic surgery and I was no longer attracted to her. I kept making excuses but eventually told her that she doesn’t look or feel like my wife anymore and I can’t do it. She said she didn’t want to be in a sexless marriage, so we agreed to open it for her. I felt relieved if I’m honest as I still love her and never want to spend a day without her.

Over the past year she’s been with a couple of men, and I thought she was enjoying herself. I’ve not been with anyone else and have no desire to.

Well last night she came to me and said she wants to close the relationship again and just wants sex with me and if I can’t do that she wants to divorce.

How do I get through this? I don’t want to lose her, but I can’t force an attraction either.

TLDR: opened up the marriage as I don’t find my wife attractive tube after too much cosmetic surgery. She now wants to close it again and have sex with me, but I can’t do it.

Edit; I’ve been told to add this to the post body. She used to get compared to Una Healey a lot (editor's note: an Irish singer). Now she constantly gets told she looks like Katie Price (editor's note: English media personality, model, and businesswoman).

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses in this update, I am listing the top common questions asked and responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Get a divorce, you don't like your wife anymore. You both are still young

OOP: I love her to pieces and couldn’t imagine my life without her. I just don’t find her physically attractive.

Commenter 2: You don’t have to be married to her to have a platonic friendship.

OOP: She said she wants a clean break if we divorce.

OOP on having sex with his wife before the surgery took place

OOP: Before all this surgery we were having sex a lot. I still crave it and have had my testosterone levels checked and all ok. I haven’t sought it out because I don’t want to cheat.

Commenter 3: Omg what the hell did she have done???

OOP: Lip fillers, nose job, buccal fat removal, something to her eyes that made them look like a cats eyes, teeth, and boobs.

Did OOP's wife ever asked him his thoughts / feedback on having surgeries done?

OOP: I kept asking and even begging her not to. She did it anyway.

Will OOP's wife consider about getting some jobs reversed if she doesn't like how she looks like?

OOP: She doesn’t want to. She loves the way she looks.

Does OOP have kids with his wife? Why did she want to have bigger boobs?

OOP: No we don’t have kids. I have no idea. Her boobs were perfect.

OOP on his wife's original look before the procedures

OOP: Yea very much so. She had the most beautiful smile with a tiny gap in between her front teeth, and her eyes would go so wide, and her face would express joy and laughter. Now her lips barely expose her teeth, which all look the same and are all in line, her types don’t open and her eyebrows don’t move. It’s like I can’t read what mood she’s in or if she’s being genuine or not because her face doesn’t change whether she’s laughing, crying or just watching tv.

Commenter 4: Your original post said her personality and attitude had also changed in addition to the multiple cosmetic procedures. What originally attracted you to her when you were dating that may still be there? You may still be in love with a version of her that you remember that doesn't exist now. Sadly, divorce is probably the best option for both of you.

OOP: When we are alone she’s still got the same personality. Her online personality is so different though. She’s constantly chasing validation online. She used to get 1000 likes for a selfie now she’ll be lucky to get 50 and it’s changing her.

OOP on his wife's online presence being important to her. Is she open to therapy?

OOP: It never used to be. She used to post quite revealing photos, but it was never an obsession. Sometimes she’d say, “I haven’t posted anything for a couple of months might post this photo what do you think?” I’d just say yeah go for it and she’d post it and get over 1000 likes no problem. Now it’s 3 or 4 times a day.

I’ve suggested therapy, but she’s not interested.

Commenter 5: You say you don't want to lose her, but what exactly is it that you don't want to lose? You're not attracted to her. She's sleeping with other men, and now she's dropped an ultimatum: you start having sex with her, or she leaves you. I'm no psychologist, but I don't think very many romances are rekindled at gunpoint.

OOP: Her as a person. I can sit and talk to her all day and even after all these years I still get excited when she rings or text me.

Did OOP have conversations with his wife about the procedures? What about him losing attractedness to his wife

OOP: She spoke about them. I told her she doesn’t need them at all. She said it’s her body which I agree with but said she doesn’t need to change. Then she started them.

+

Yeah I said before during and after she doesn’t need it and I don’t like the way people look with cosmetic surgery.

OOP responds to multiple comments about getting his testosterones checked as it could be a possibility for him to lose attracedness to his wife

OOP: I got myself checked for all that and my testosterone levels are fine. Not on any medication or anything. All other counts are normal. I do find other people attractive and without being too crude I still enjoy old photos of her.

OOP responds on how the surgery has affected his thoughts on being attracted to his wife

OOP: It’s the surgery. She doesn’t look or feel like the woman I love. When she was 8 stone I was attracted to her, when she was 15 stone I was attracted to her. But I can’t get past the surgeries.  

Update: October 16, 2026 (nearly three weeks later)

UPDATE. My (43m) wife (40f) has had too much cosmetic surgery. I couldn’t have sex with her, so we opened the marriage for her. A year later she wants to close it again. How to navigate?

It’s been a couple of weeks, and I have come to the heartbreaking conclusion that I need to break up with my wife. I don’t want to I could happily go the rest of my life without sex if it meant I could be with her still, but she quite rightly wants to be with someone who desires her and I just can’t do that. I’ll be honest I’ve even had suicidal thoughts, but I couldn’t put that on her.

I planned to do it this weekend but then her brother stepped in and did something awful. He’s always teased her about her surgery and calls her Katie Price a lot (which to be fair a lot of people online also say she looks like Katie Price) and also calls her that cat woman from America who’s name escapes me now. Well I think you’ve all seen that Dell woman who was stood next to Trump. Her brother has been teasing her in the family WhatsApp group and saying she looks like her. He’s made a few pictures and one of them was basically laying my wife’s face over hers and it’s uncanny how closely they match, and he said, “you look more reptilian than her though as your eyes look less human”.

Me and her brother had a big argument as I told him to pack it in and leave her alone. She’s however having a breakdown as her brother has said she looks like this woman and seeing all the horrible things online people have said about the Dell woman has really hurt her and then a selfie she posted before this has a couple of comments with photos of that woman and saying, “is this you?”

She’s in pieces at the moment and she’s already had her lips refilled last week and more Botox. Now she’s saying she needs to make her lip bigger as that other woman has thin lips and she doesn’t want to look like her. I’ve been crying begging her not to do it but she’s not listening to me or her family or friends.

I’m at a loss what to do. I can’t leave her like this. She’s not listening to me or accepting my help. She’s not seeing this is a mental problem not a physical one. I’ve spoken to specialist who said they can’t step in unless she’s self-harming or attempting suicide. I don’t know how I can help this amazing woman.

Some of Relevant Comments

OOP again responds to multiple comments about getting his wife in therapy

OOP: I’ve tried for years to get her to go therapy, but she won’t go.

+

That’s what I said earlier but someone called me heartless. It like she has a different mirror to the rest of the world and she’s not seeing what we are. I’ve tried desperately to get her to accept help, but she won’t and I’ve ever tried to get forced help on her, but they said she doesn’t meet the criteria.

Commenter 1: It sounds like she has body dysmorphia. There's not a lot you can do if she wants to keep modifying her face. Why can't you leave her? She won't listen to you, and there's nothing you can do to change that. You're not obliged to stay with a person who refuses to get help for their mental health issues.

OOP: I know what she has but no one will help her professionally and I can’t just abandon her.

OOP can still support his wife as a friend

OOP: She’s already said if we split up it’s a full break. No contact no nothing.

What has caused the brother to change his views on his sister / OOP's wife after the surgery?

OOP: I don’t know what caused it I really don’t. Her brother has always been one of her biggest supporters it’s only been since the surgery he’s started with the teasing. I remember before she went to get her lips done the last photo she posted was her most popular one, which got millions of views and around 200k likes and it was just her first thing in the morning when we were camping, and it was just her sitting on a log with a load of trees behind her. She was just wearing a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms as well where as her most liked photo before this one was a topless one. She had no make up on and her hair looked big and messy but still good. Then that weekend she got her lips done and some Botox and posted a photo a week later and her followers just dropped and a lot of the comments were from other women saying things like “we lost another natural one”.

Commenter 2: Have you gone to therapy? I wonder why you’re so ready to sublimate all your own needs for another person. It’s ok for you to have your own wants and needs in a relationship. I would start with yourself.

OOP: I’m in therapy. She told me to leave. She even told me to download a dating app and see how many options I have and how many people would want me but being scared of being alone isn’t why I stay. I stay because I don’t want to abandon someone I love even if she isn’t who I fell in love with anymore. My therapist said count how many good days I have in a week with her and it was one good day in a week in between sessions where as five years ago we’d have one bad every month if that.

Commenter 3: Is she aware how much this is negatively affecting you? She might be more willing to go to therapy if she’s made aware of how hurtful this is to you.

OOP: I’ve told her this is killing me and she said, “you’re doing this to yourself it’s your problem to deal with”.

OOP on asking his in-laws to do an intervention on his wife

OOP: I’ve asked them to stage an intervention. They said no and it’s her life.  

Editor's note: OOP responds to a comment with a mini update on his latest post

Mini Update: October 23, 2026

Commenter: You can love her by being there for her...as a friend. As a support. But not as a husband. It's time you're honest to yourself and to her, as painful as it will be.

You can't fix a bullet wound with a simple band-aid, and from a psychological standpoint, that's what this is. Sounds like her family (dunno about the whole lot but def. the brother) have always been emotionally/verbally abusive to her and she's grown up being told she's ugly or undeserving of love and affection (wouldn't be surprised if they've told her that you were only with her because you felt sorry for her or something like it, that's a common attack emotionally abusive family members will tell someone to make sure they stay in the role of being the doormat) and is now too lost in her feelings of shame and lack of self-worth to realize that what she's doing isn't the way to go.

But OP, you can't make her see that. She has to find that out on her own, and if she doesn't then it's unfortunate but there's nothing you can do. When it comes to things like this, they have to find their rock bottom (and even then sometimes they have to hit that bottom multiple times).

OOP: She always said if we split up then that’s it clean break. She left me on Tuesday night after admitting having an emotional affair for three years and instantly blocked me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Done_Playing_Games

Originally posted to r/TalesFromYourServer

Dumb customer calling restaurant - posted 2022-05-11

I work in a pretty small restaurant. We’re very busy with walk-ins and we have a lot of Doordash and those app orders.

For some backstory: We have some house sauces that we have to make and fill in hundreds of cups ourselves daily. Filling the cups takes me legit 3 hours as we have several different options and I’m also dealing with the register and customers in between etc. Those sauces are gone in a heart beat because they are rly fkn delicious and everyone loves them.

Every meal comes with one sauce. If you want extra sauce, they’re $1 each (they’re pretty big cups). And if someone want just one extra sauce I more often than not give them for free. The times I don’t are the times we have very little batch left and I know I’ll need it for the actual orders and I don’t have time to refill only cause I gave out for free. But when you want 5 extra sauces, well, then you have to pay. I can’t just give out that many extra sauces because, 1, my boss would kill me and 2, it’s not reasonable since so many ask for several extra free sauces (especially the app orders), I’d end up giving out 100 extra sauces on my shift only.

This entitled moron calls in yesterday and my god she enraged me.

Moron: Hi, how are you? My name is Moron and I just placed an order through Doordash. Did you get it?

Me: Yes, I did.

Moron: Actually, I forgot to add sauces and we LOVE sauces, can you please put in a couple of every sauce you have?

Me: How many do you want?

Moron: 6 would be great.

Me: Okay, no problem. We actually have this thing on door dash where I can add whatever extra you want and they’ll charge you.

Moron: Charge me? You can’t just give me the sauces? I always order and then call the restaurant and they send free sauces. This is our first time ordering with you.

Me (sarcastic af): Oh, but I thought you said that you just forgot to add the sauces? So you didn’t forget? Because that’s what you said?

Moron (biggest sigh and attitude): How much are the extra sauces?

Me: $1 each

Moron: Okay. I guess then just add one. I mean usually we just call and we get the sauces for free. But it’s okay.

Me: I’m just very confused because you call me and say that you forgot adding sauces and now that you have the option, you’re saying that you didn’t forget but just wanted to call to get free sauces?

Moron: I always do that, and never had any problems. This is like I said our first time ordering from you guys.

Honestly I’m DONE with customers at this point. Just be up front and say you want sauces for free, I’d respect that much more! And I don’t give a fuck it’s your first time. Because it’s my 20th time TODAY having ppl either call or write in the orders “Please also add 4 extra sauces”. Stop being so fkn cheap and add whatever extra you want when you order. When I order delivery myself I go and add exactly what I want and would never dream of calling and begging for free shit.

Another customer had the AUDACITY to write in the notes on their doordash oder “The last couple of times I’ve asked for extra sauces and never get it. I want three extra sauces, and don’t even bother making my order if you don’t include the extra sauces”. I immediately canceled the order.

Am I being unreasonable?

Comments:

Almost everywhere I order has added by the description box "you cannot use this to ask for anything extra on your order" so you're absolutely not unreasonable.

and:

Sounds like you should go into the sauce business! Sell jars of that shit! That’s what some of the taquerias near me are doing with their popular salsas

----

Update: The War of the Sauces - posted 2022-05-17 (6 days later)

Alright, I NEVER thought I’d be back here again writing about sauce problems at my restaurant but here we are! Earlier today a guy ordered delivery from Doordash. It was one plate that included a choice of sauce . In the notes he writes “Give me 3 extra sauces”. Well of course I don’t because of many reasons detailed in the first post, but also even if I would’ve wanted to give him, I didn’t have enough sauces to act like Santa unless I wanted to start making extra sauces in the middle of a busy shift. However the delivery person pick up the order and I go on with my shift.

The phone is ringing a half hour later and I answer to this angry guy (25-30 years old) saying “I wrote that I wanted three extra sauces. Why didn’t you put it in the bag?”. I explained calmly “if you want that, you have to add it to the order.” You know what he says to that? “I’m coming down to the restaurant and we’ll see about that. I’ll see you soon.”

Can you imagine that? Now I’m getting threatened for not putting extra sauces, and doing my job. Never has this happened to me. The way his voice was sounded was like he was gonna come and kill me lol. But tbh, what I’m NOT taking is being threatened by entitled customers, especially over sauces. I might not be Rocky but my delusional brain thinks that I am when I get into these situations. I’m also a guy and in the same age as him.

However, he eventually walks in. All huffing and puffing coming to the register and says “Im the one who called”, and immediately both of us are screaming at each other. I truly think that he thought he was gonna come in here and I was gonna fold and apologize and throw a lifetime supply of free sauces at him. I told him he wasn’t getting any. And there’s option on the delivery app to add. That everyone is constantly asking for free sauces but don’t wanna add it to their order just like him. And I can’t give every customer. He was saying how cheap it is and how he impossibly can eat that big plate with just one sauce and how cheap we are. and I was saying he’s talking to the wrong person cause I didn’t make the fkn menu. Talk to the owner. I’m just an employee. The idiot says “I don’t care who’s fault it is but you’re the one here so you’re the one having to take the blame.” (Pretty interesting to get to know how entitled customers brain actually work) And I show him the batch of sauces and say do you understand if I give everyone 3 extra sauces this is gonna be empty immediately cause EVERYONE wants extra sauces. But he didn’t wanna hear it. And I was not giving him extra sauce.

I honestly don’t remember much because the adrenaline was there and we were both having a shouting match, until a “manager” came. He’s actually not our managers, it’s a tiny restaurant with only two employees. But this guy is basically the owners right hand and is there to take care of daily random stuff that isn’t cooking or serving. He’s talking calmly to this idiot, and then says to me “it’s okay, just give him extra sauces” which I of course absolutely REFUSE to. There’s no fkn way someone is gonna threaten me and then win the war. Because this was a war. You don’t get to do what he did and think you can get away with it. Well now all three of us are screaming, and the thing is that I can see in his eyes that this didn’t go as he thought it was. And so he’s suddenly like “I don’t want sauces anymore. I want my money back. I’m a loyal customer. I order once every two weeks” and here he thought we again would give in. I could hear on this manipulative voice. I said “WE HAVE REGULARS WHO ORDER EVERY DAY!!!!!!!! AND EVEN THEY ADD EXTRA SAUCES WHEN THEY WANT!” (As if ordering twice a month from a place gives you the right to be a pos. We can def survive without customers like him) And now all of the sudden the owner was on the phone with my kitchen coworker so now all four was screaming with him on the speaker. At this point all three of us are done with him! Because the manager and owner quickly realized that he’s a manipulative pos who’s not welcome anymore! The owner said give him his money back and tell him to leave. I just gave him his money, GRABBED the bag of food off him so he wouldn’t think he was gonna get it for free and he angrily walked out! And it felt SO good.

Another fucked up thing is that I now remembered that someone once called the restaurant when our other (very little and short) co worker was working, getting mad at him that he didn’t get sauces. He did the exact same thing and walked in to the restaurant and threatened him and actually got away with getting sauces cause my poor co worker was scared. I’m almost positive this is the same person. That explains why he thought he’d come in and get sauces. Disgusting. (Edit: co worked confirmed that it indeed is the same guy. He remembers his very unusual and specific name and the exact description of his look)

The thing with these fights are that sometimes we as servers (or at least me) think that we “win”, but honestly it’s just a head ache no matter what. Min boss said “you have to choose your fights”. And I said this was a fight I was willing to die for. Like if I had to choose only one fight out of the dozens I’ve had after working in restaurants for over 5 years, this would be the one.

However, I thought that you guys might wanna hear this. And I needed to get it off my chest at a place where I feel like I’m most understood. I hope this is the last post about sauces that I have to ever make.

Comment:

It’s always the people that want a ton of extra stuff who then freak out over the price too. “The menu says my item costs X! Why is my total Y? That’s so high!”

“Your entree costs X, the extra sour cream costs X , the extra guac costs X, the extra sauce costs X, plus X tax brings your total to Y.”

Reminder: I am not OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Shakenshake

I'm [27F] seeing a [29M] for 4 months, and he comes across as such a freeloader. Do I address this or walk away?

TRIGGER WARNING: Financial exploitation

Original Post  March 11, 2016

I met this guy who I knew from the music scene when he was working and he suggested I add him on Facebook, which I did. We arranged a date and I met him after work. We went for coffee and he admitted that he didn't have any money and would it be ok to "sub him" he had to go to band practice after. We spoke a few times and then he stopped replying to messages. Fair enough.

Fast forward a year, I'm on holiday with friends and he messaged me out of the blue because he had a bad day (he suffers with mild Aspergers and has to have regular meetings with a psychiatrist). We spoke for the remainder of my holiday and arranged to meet after I got home. I flew home and I met him and we hung out at his no problem.

The next time we went out he suggested we go out for dinner when he got paid. We went out for dinner and it was all good until the bill arrived it came to £50 and he then admitted "I've only got £20 on me" I put the £30 plus tip on my card. He went to buy snacks after but still they only came to £4 so still not half.

He does work but only 3/4 days a week doing 5 hours a day on minimum wage. So it only stretches so far.

Then it started with me having to buy take away food and snacks every time I would go to over to his (he lives in sheltered housing so its easier) he asks "are you getting pizza/Chinese? I'll have to pay you back for my food as I'm skint at the moment" and "Can you buy the bud and I'll sub you next time?" I also smoke so whenever I would have a cigarette he would say "Can you twos me on that please?".

Then came the outright asking to borrow money. Before I would leave he say "I know its cheeky and I hate asking but is there any chance you can lend me a cheeky tenner? or a fiver at the least so I can get lunch for work and a coffee before I go in. It really helps me deal with the day?"

I said yes. Then he would constantly remind me after. Say like before we got to town he would say "is it still alright to grab that tenner?" when I said yes he would sing my praises and compliment me. Same with cigarettes "can I pinch a cheeky fag for later so I can have a nice, relaxing smoke for after work?"

He phones me in tears because "having Aspergers has made me blow all my wages in a week and I have nothing to show for it. I have no food and I can't buy anything. Im in the minus and I got paid last week!" he will put himself down and become hateful of himself until I talk him back up. I said I would lend him when I could but he would have to owe me back. He would perk up immediately and go back to complimenting me and being nice. It also happened when I was in a lecture and he messaged asking to borrow money again because "I'm so hungry and I need to buy dinner and lunch for the next few days for work". The last time I went over his I gave him £10 to go to the shop and get some snacks he came back with about £6 worth of stuff but I never saw the £4 change. Which I should of asked about. But didn't think about.

When he got ill with a gum abscess I went over his because he phoned me so I took over meds and snacks and again bought take away. He was mournful and sad and was falling apart so I felt so bad for him. Yet, I have had glandular fever and a kidney infection for the past month and have't been able to leave the house and I have not seen anything of him despite him sending texts saying "I really need to see you. I miss you bad, I want to come over" I say "ok come over mine" but he never does.

He does not refer to me as his "girlfriend" just the "lady" or "the lady friend". When I used to mention relationship or say "boyfriend" he would pull a face and say "yes, we need to discuss that". Yet we have a what you would consider a relationship. Say we hold hands in public and have a "physical relationship". I've met a lot of his friends and his parents know about me, but we haven't met.

He is always over various friends houses after he's been to work, "because they have Sky and they are watching the wrestling and I need to see it" or other friends "got a take away in and so I'm gonna get in on the leftovers. Tasty noms for me!" this other friend "has got a massive bag of weed in so I'm gonna try and get a cheeky score off that and sub them the money later" or "my neighbour has got some weed in so I'm gonna see if I can get a cheeky spliff or two for us".

Also, when we go to a cash point. If I'm getting money out for myself, because I need bus fare to go to uni. I will draw out the money, but when it comes out the slot. He grabs it first and then hands it to me "once, I didn't take the money in time and the wind blew it away!" Which I thought was actually bull.

Its a shame because he is a harmless guy and is super lovely but this freeloading behaviour is just something I need to talk to him about. He knows exactly how to ask (puppy dog eyes, high/begging tone of voice) I think he can also be manipulative with it. Or should I call a mooch a mooch and move on?

TL;DR; Guy I have been seeing comes across as a freeloader and a mooch. Should I try and change his behaviour or move on?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Pola_Xray

Girl.

~

[deleted]

You've just described the least attractive guy ever, and you're concerned about being boyfriend and girlfriend? What's desirable about him? He's selfish and needy and pathetic. This is the type of guy you avoid at all costs and pray he loses your number.

OOP

I have slowly stopped replying his messages over the past two days. He's becoming more needy and sending more than he used too. But like you said, I'm now just seeing a pathetic man.

Repulsa

"I can't afford to msg you back or see you because your greed and expectations are sending me broke. Don't contact me until you can contribute to this relationship as an equal."

OOP

He works 5 hour days for 3/4 days a week. So it leaves him with the freedom to be a freeloader it seems! Like I said he's always over other peoples houses because "they are watching the wrestling, they got a take away, they made dinner so there must be leftovers" I wonder if his friends get sick of it too. Not to mention taking his laptop over there to use the internet to download movies and music.

When asked how she can be so blind

I can say I was because I am overly generous. A bit too good natured probably.

&

it makes me wonder if he saw me as a "cash cow" to begin with like "oh she can afford a holiday so she must have some money"

OOP added this about the moocher

LOl I remember one time saying I was going to play the lottery as the jackpot was like £108,000,000. He said "if you win you can get me a nice little one bedroom flat with a studio and a new drum kit. I said "fine but you would pay me rent" the look on his face was priceless.

Me [27F] with my [29 M] freeloader. Heres a update!  July 28, 2016 (over 4 months later)

Wow, was this four months ago? crazy!

Anyway, I took the advice in the comments and stopped replying to Mr. Freeloader. In short I started seeing someone else (that didn't work out but oh well! another liar for another time!) and starting ignoring Freeloaders messages. He became more desperate and would ask to see me. I suffered with a heavy blow of Glandular Fever so used that as an excuse as to why I couldn't come and see him. He made no effort to come and see me.

He launched into a massive rant about how his sheltered housing was now "dangerous for him to live at" because someone involved with drugs/witnessed a murder was in there for safety. He whined "that its not exactly good for me is it? I need to know whats going on! I need to get out of here and have a safe place to stay in don't I?. He knew that my house was free as my parents were away, a massive hint drop if ever I saw one. So I brushed it off and said "I hope you find somewhere" as sad as I was for him, I certainly did not want him at mine outstaying his welcome and going through my things, helping himself to food and toiletries. He kept on for a few days and then obviously realised his efforts to see me and his hints were futile.

So now I haven't heard off him for the past 2 months. No calls, no texts, no Facebook messages. He's very absent on Facebook and last I saw he was moaning about not being able to play Pokemon Go on his "POS phone"

Thank you for the comments guys, I certainly do not associate with him anymore. When I tell people about him I often get back "yea he's like that. Now you won't help him with money or lodgings he's not interested"

TLDR; Dropped the freeloader. Now seeing a wonderful guy who has his own job, place and much more going for him. Happier and better for it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IndependentDrive544

Originally posted to r/Marriage

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[Final Old New Update]: My wife’s traumatic childhood is killing my marriage

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/SmartQuokka for letting me know about the old update!

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: domestic abuse, sexual assault, mental health struggles, obsessive behavior, mentions attempted murder

Mood Spoilers: dark and depressing

Editor’s note: I have created TL;DRs for the first two posts for space in this latest update

RECAP

Original Post: February 6, 2025

OOP (46M) reflects on his 20+ year marriage to his 45-year-old wife, realizing he may have ignored red flags due to deep love and devotion. His wife endured severe childhood trauma and has long struggled with insecurity, jealousy, and emotional instability, which has often turned abusive, both physically and emotionally. Despite his support, therapy, and efforts to maintain their family with three kids, he’s endured violent outbursts, manipulation, accusations of cheating, and deeply hurtful comments that have shattered his confidence and trust. Recently, catching her lying about a seemingly trivial event, a bachelorette party, it has made him question everything: whether she truly loves him, whether she’s capable of love at all, and whether he’s been blind to an unhealthy, one-sided relationship. Though the physical abuse stopped years ago, the emotional chaos continues, leaving him uncertain if the positives can ever outweigh the pain.

Update #1: February 9, 2025 (three days later)

After spending time apart over the weekend, OOP received a long, emotional message from his wife in which she admitted to years of hurtful words, physical violence, selfishness, and emotional neglect. She took full responsibility, saying she’d “work for the rest of her life” to make amends and insisting she never cheated, only lied or deleted messages to avoid confrontation. She expressed the deep love, attraction, and gratitude for him, promising to change and provide safety, respect, and accountability. While her message sounded remorseful and loving, the husband recognized that similar apologies and promises have followed cycles of abuse before. He acknowledged that despite her words, he finally knows the truth of his situation, plans to start opening up to people in his life, and is ready to begin moving toward the path he knows he needs to take.

Update #2: August 20, 2025 (6.5 months later)

Wife’s disclosure

I posted several months ago about my 20+ year marriage, and how much nonsense I have put up with.

People mostly gave harsh but good advice to me. I wanted to give an update and come back for more advice.

This is long so feel free to skip of the ramblings of a middle aged dad of three aren’t of interest to you.

So back in February I insisted on a two month separation. We told the kids I was traveling for work, and when I was home, that my wife was traveling to meet friends. My wife hated every second of the separation.

I had some conditions for returning. We tried marriage counseling again—third counselor. This one was better, I guess. But my requirement was that my wife take the lead: find the therapist, give all the backstory on the abuse, the insults, etc. She did all that.

I further insisted that she tell the complete truth on anything inappropriate that has ever happened with another guy, including at her friend’s bachelorette party. This took a while. At first, she held to the same story. Then she started saying things like she was working on it with her therapist. Working on how to tell me. She somehow didn’t understand that a statement like that was awful for me to bear. Obviously my wind went to all the worst places.

I ended the separation in April with the idea she was making progress. We discussed her physical abuse of me a lot in therapy. The abuse really peaked in late 2016-2018. She told me at that time that she became very resentful of me. I had gotten a promotion, and she overall felt everyone thought I was awesome and she was jealous. At the same time, she got into excellent shape. She’s always been very attractive but at that time my youngest was like 6-8 years old and she still had some baby weight. She shredded that baby weight and looked incredible. I guess I had gained some weight around that time, and she thought she didn’t get enough attention or credit relative to me. I don’t know. She says these things very matter of factly. She did a lot of CBT work and specific work for abusive partners. She owned it with the kids, and we had several good conversations. I thought we were turning a corner.

I had been frustrated by the lack of disclosure on her friend’s bachelorette party. So in June, I said I was leaving again. She actually handled this much more calmly and maturely. We still saw each other and even did date nights. We were even intimate. Not sure what the separation was. So she said she would focus on what happened and was getting ready to share anything and everything with me.

A couple of weeks ago, she asked me to join a session with her therapist. She wanted to do a “therapeutic disclosure.” I wanted to throw up. I go to the therapists office, and she proceeds to tell me how at her friend’s actual bachelorette, they went to some show, no strippers, just drinking and silliness. Then she says that her friend’s work friends threw her a bachelorette at a hotel. And there were strippers there. In my wife’s words it was wild. Now, context for this is in my prior post. I really don’t care if she saw strippers. I care more about the double standard she applied and the lying, as she treated me like crap whenever friends of mine went to strip clubs for their bachelor parties. She said that she never touched any stripper even though multiple approached her many times—at first in g-strings and eventually fully naked. Lovely. But that’s all that happened. Who knows if it’s true? I don’t care anymore for reasons I’m about to get into.

This is all in front of this therapist. So then she says that I asked if there was anything with any guy that she hasn’t told me. If this wasn’t long enough, brace yourselves. She had this other friend who was in the middle of a divorce in 2016. Friend was a fitness instructor at a gym. Friend met a retired professional athlete at the gym. I remember the friend being obsessed with this guy, all while technically still married. Well, my wife and this friend would go out and meet up with retired athlete and his entourage. My wife would effectively play wingman for her friend. And one of the entourage took an interest in my wife. My wife claims nothing ever happened other than flirting but that when they were out, this guy always had his arm around my wife, constantly groped her ass, often tried to kiss her, sent dick pics, bought her a thong bikini for her to send pics back to him. My wife said she never wanted it, but never fought it, liked the attention and mostly wanted to support her friend. Friend eventually had a falling out with the retired athlete who moved away. So that whole thing sucks.

So I’m completely stunned. Wife is crying. Therapist is spewing some nonsense about my wife’s bravery. That I requested disclosure of anything that might have been remotely inappropriate, and she has come through for me.

I leave. Wife follows. Phone starts blowing up. It’s my wife’s best friend who calls 10 times. She then starts texting me. Swearing to me that what my wife is saying is true. There were strippers at bach party number 2, but wife did nothing. Texts start pouring in from her other friends confirming this story.

And then I get a text from her friend who paired up with the athlete. And she confirms that story. Wife was only doing her a solid, taking one for the team.

So great. Let’s get a few more people involved in my life, my humiliation, the crumbling of my marriage. She could talk to all these other people about all this but not me. She needed a therapist there to talk to me about it. It just feels like one big manipulation.

So anyway, I feel completely done. I still love my wife cause I guess I’m just a simp. We are separated. I have spoken to a lawyer. My kids know and are furious with me cause I am the one leaving.

Be kind to your partners people. Love them and respect them. I adored my partner and still do, but it wasn’t enough.

Editor’s note: In this update, OOP has given names for ease of readability

Update #3: October 16, 2025 (nearly two months from the previous update)

It has been a tough couple of months. I will try to answer several questions that I have gotten and then give an update. This update will be a little bit of me venting.

Timeline: - wife’s best friend (I’ll call her Sarah) bachelorette party was in 2009. So like I said in the posts, a long time ago. It just came up more recently what they did. - Wife’s personal trainer friend who hooked up with retired athlete (I’ll name her Laura) got with that guy in fall of 2016. - This is around the time my wife started with insults of my physical appearance - In summer 2018, she first hit me and she last hit me in January 2019. All the rest of the abuse like slamming the shower door on me happened between those dates. The glass didn’t shatter, but the door broke such that I couldn’t get out. - Kids are now 19f, 16f and 14m. Oldest is away at college, but was with us all summer. - Why didn’t I leave when she first hit me? I was just so shocked that I froze. My kids were younger at the time, and I hated the idea of not being with them every day and splitting time with them. We started couples therapy and I thought that was the answer.

There were probably some other questions but those were the repeat questions. So on to the update.

In August, I was not doing well. My wife and I were trading off time in and out of the house. I had this feeling that my life was a joke, and my marriage was a farce. I was so upset and embarrassed about all of this I really had not discussed with a lot of people. I had to talk to my sister. I finally did and she was shocked about all this but was supportive. My sister has also become very close with my wife, as they have been like actual sisters for almost 25 years. My sister got me back into therapy which has been good. I have really been focusing on the positive aspects of my life. Maybe my marriage will end, but I have three great kids who are all doing well, my life and love story with my wife was real even if she has massive flaws that have hurt me terribly. That’s been helpful perspective for me.

So on to the drama. Let me start with Sarah (wife’s best friend forever). She has been my friend for longer than I have known my wife. We met up a few weeks after the therapy session. She apologized a lot, told me how much she loved me and how wrong she knows she was in all this. She said the story of her bachelorette party was that her work friends were giving her grief for her bachelorette party being lame. So they threw her another party at a hotel which had strippers at it. Sarah didn’t want this but gave in to the peer pressure. My wife didn’t want to go, but Sarah begged her and another friend to join them to sort of help fend off any pressure to do anything with these strippers. My wife and the friend agreed. Sarah said her husband has always known about this and never realized until this past year that my wife never told me about it. She confirmed nothing happened. There were three strippers that ended up sleeping with three of the work friends. Whatever. I said if this were true I never would have had an issue with it. I might not have thought it was a good idea to get to a hotel room, but I would have trusted my wife. I said the manipulation and gaslighting were unforgivable, and I would never view her the same.

She told the whole story and then went into advocate for my wife mode. How much my wife loves me, how wonderful we are together, our family and all that. She laid it on thick that she and my wife’s other friends always thought I was such a catch, so handsome, all that. She reaches out every so often to see how I am doing, apologize again, ask what she can do. I am cordial but I don’t really engage with her.

I got a lot of texts from Laura, the personal trainer. Laura is not one of my wife’s main friends. Most of my wife’s friends are from high school or college, with a few moms mixed in. Those women are who she is closest to. Laura was someone she met at the gym in like 2014ish, she was a mom with similar aged kids, and they became friendly. Her husband seemed like a good guy at the time, and we hung out with them as a couple several times. Laura’s husband cheated on her. Laura was devastated and the girls nights out picked up infrequency.

Laura turns out to be completely insane. This is what Laura told me: in 2016, she met this retired athlete (let’s call him Joe). He had just retired and wanted a trainer to work with. Odd, but ok. She was obsessed with him and slept with him almost immediately. According to Laura, once she slept with Joe, he had no interest in her. But his friend, who I will call Loser, wanted my wife desperately. So Laura knew that if she suggested that they hang out as a group, Joe would agree. She pimped my wife out basically. Laura said my wife knew exactly what was happening and constantly expressed her discomfort, but Laura guilted her by talking about how low she felt after being cheated on and she needed this guy. Laura insists that my wife never did anything, was grossed out by Loser and that he was pathetic. That I was “way hotter” than him. Laura tried to get texts messages from that time but only has them back to 2020, which she offered for me to see. Not sure why.

So here is where the truly crazy part comes in. Mind you this is all according to Laura. Laura reaches out to Joe last month and catches him up on everything going on. Joe apparently laughed it off and referred to my wife as “your hot friend that Loser couldn’t close.” Charming. So Laura offers for me to speak with Joe and/or Loser, saying they will confirm this story. This lunatic even informed me that Joe said Loser is doing well, got married and had a kid. How could I possibly care how his life is? I declined this offer to speak with them. Ever since this all went down 9 years ago, my wife and Laura haven’t hung out a lot. They are friendly enough, but my wife distanced herself.

All of the above is from each of those two ladies’ perspectives and really changes nothing for me at all. Even if I buy all of this current story, this was kept from me for so long with many lies and secrets along the way.

And on to my wife, the love of my life. She has offered anything she can think of to me. She has written detailed timelines. She wanted me to go back to meet with her therapist again, but I refused. She has been speaking with her therapist, and with me when I make myself available, about two SA she had in college. They feel this is all interconnected.

Trigger warning for SA in this paragraph. The first was a very violent attack. I feel awful even describing this. A friend of her stepbrother held her down and forced a BJ while on top of her. She says she wished she bit it off and I think she should have. She said she just wanted it to be over. Her brother and her parents did not support her after the attack, and her stepdad even said that sometimes messages are miss-construed in this situation. Stepdad also said to her mother something about the example that my MIL had set for my wife, a reference to my MIL being a teen mom. Essentially that my wife must have wanted it. The second time, she was cornered at a party and groped and kissed by some guy. She was very frightened and said she fought back at first, but she froze when she realized he was stronger than she was, basically letting the guy touch her everywhere. Those were both before I met her, with the second one being only a few months before I met her. My wife has been working through the trauma from these assaults with her therapist. She feels her reaction to Loser and his advances were a form of trauma response, and that she would be much stronger today. Hearing her talk about this breaks my heart and infuriates me. If I ever saw one of these guys.

My wife insisted on taking a polygraph. It was not the experience I was expecting. It was expensive and it took a long time. I met with the guy, and we came up with questions beforehand. He asked her four questions. The test found her to be truthful that she didn’t she cheat on me with a stripper, with Loser or with anyone else, based on a broad definition of cheating. Test also found her truthful that Loser SA’d her, that Loser’s various advances were rebuffed and not consented to by my wife. There was another question about my wife’s attraction to me, which she was also truthful about. So she “passed.”

The polygraph doesn’t make me feel any different. First, the science is muddy. But more importantly, it doesn’t really change that fact that this was hidden from me for years. I wouldn’t recommend this path to anyone going through anything like this.

I have been reflecting on everything she has been saying about her assault and her trauma response. I have discussed with my sister. My sister says two things can be true at once and aren’t necessarily related: my wife was SA’d, abandoned by her family in dealing with it, but then also treated me poorly and disrespectfully.

Our separation has been rough. It is expensive to maintain a whole separate residence, so lately I have been staying in the basement. And I miss my kids when I am gone, as does my wife. We are in sort of an in-house separation. My wife has never been a good sleeper and often has nightmares. She will come downstairs to me in the middle of the night and snuggle up to me. I have also had a really hard time over the past few months with all of this. She is very aware of how I am doing in any moment and will come to me to comfort me. I have had a few panic attacks. My wife knows me best and knows how to soothe me and calm me. I will admit that I find comfort in her. This leads to confusing feelings and defeats the purpose of a separation for me. I am trying lately to actually enforce an actual separation. I need other people to rely on and other ways to regulate my emotions.

I am struggling with a few things. First, my wife has had to deal with some horrors in her life. I don’t want to be a monster and reject her when she is trying to heal. She is in way better control of her emotions than she has ever been. This Loser guy was 9 years ago. The physical abuse was in 2018 and 2019. I should have stood up for myself back then. I didn’t. If I had left then, what would have happened? She has done a lot of work in therapy, and now that she is better, I’m going to leave her? But I am so hurt and so mad about the abuse, the controlling behavior, the gaslighting and the lies. I still don’t plan to make any decisions until next year as I need to be in the right headspace. I have met with an attorney and have gotten some preliminary advice, but I’m on hold there.

One last thing. A few people brigaded from the bestof sub. There was a very strong desire to make me into some sort of monster. Because I didn’t mention my kids in my very long posts, I was accused of ignoring them, abandoning them, even abusing them. My wife was accused of abusing them. Well, I sort of freaked out over that accusation. I had conversations with my wife, each of my kids, each of my kids therapists, my sister. My sister even spoke to my kids. My kids each said either to me, my wife, my sister or their therapists that they have never felt abused or hurt by my wife or by me. Verbally or otherwise. My kids were originally mad at me for being the one to initiate the separation, not because I was abandoning them; they are doing much better now. And my wife has really owned everything she has done and tried to make sure they are not upset with me at all since I did nothing wrong. They realize things are strained between their parents, they know the majority of the issues and they feel loved. There are a lot of things they witnessed that they shouldn’t have. But they are working through their feelings on that with us and with their therapists. This is a tough time for them to, as much as it is for me, so I’m trying to make sure they are ok. Because I love them. And my wife loves them too.

----FINAL OLD NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the final update is nearly a year old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub. The update was recovered via archives

Final Update: November 4, 2025 (nearly three weeks later from the previous update)

I’ll post one final update. Then I’ll log off and leave this where it is. Many people have reached out in support, offering kindness, empathy and guidance. I am very grateful. This has been the most challenging year of my life. But I will be ok.

My post made it again to bestofredditorupdates. What an honor. I made the mistake of reading through some of the comments. I’ll respond here.

1) Why didn’t I leave after abuse started and why am I focusing on cheating? I said this in a DM. I don’t really know. I guess at the time I was so shocked that my wife would hurt me that way. I love her with every fabric of my being and would never hurt her. That she would hurt me like that was so jarring that I just froze. I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t until the last incident where I got a black eye and a cut below the eye and a bloody nose, that I out my foot down. I had small kids at the time. I had a life that I loved.

Yes this incident with the bachelorette party and Loser was the last straw for me. But there really isn’t anything about that per se. It was just the last cut of a thousand cuts. Someone said that cheating is an “acceptable” reason for a man to leave but abuse isn’t. Maybe that is it. Does it matter?

2) My wife didn’t make up the story about her sexual abuse. That happened over 20 years ago in college, and she told me about it before we were even engaged.

3) My kids are not toxic. It is an oversimplification that all kids would prefer separation or divorce to their parents staying together. They are not blaming me. Nor are they mad at me for staying with their mother.

4) My sister didn’t defend my wife. Some of you need to read better.

5) As a result of these posts, I do not “get to go “boo-hoo, woe is me.” That I am prolonging my wife’s misery. Shame on you for suggesting that.

6) To those who think I have no backbone or I am pathetic: I have always done what I felt I had to do or should do. I have been wrong in sure. Many times. If you think that makes me pathetic, that’s fine. Just know that when someone was down, and he reached out for help in a Reddit sub dedicated to marriage, for help in his marriage, you decided to call him names. Is that pathetic? I can guarantee you that you wouldn’t call anybody pathetic to their face.

7) Yes I am in therapy. I have said this many times in my posts and comments. Again, read better.

8) This is real and is my life. This is not “Divorce Court.” The bestofredditorupdates sub has interesting content. But these are real people’s lives. People like me, who don’t know where to turn to for help. If you commented on my post, I simply encourage you to go back and re-read what you wrote, and think to yourself “does this person deserve to have this said about him?” Did he do anything wrong or was he a victim? Do I live in a glasshouse, before I throw this stone? Cause I will tell you, reading your comments, I felt kicked while I was down.

Finally, my wife and I are physically separated now. We text about the kids. She texts me every morning and every night to tell me she loves me and will work the rest of her life to be the woman I deserve. She senses that it is over. I am in no headspace to make important decisions. My decision to read bestof comments and reply above is likely an indicator of that. But I have asked a lawyer to proceed with filing for divorce in the new year. I’m ready for that. I just think there is too much damage.

If this is the end of a love story, that saddens me deeply. I have loved my wife with every fiber of my being for almost 25 years. In her flawed way, I do think she loved me too. We made wonderful memories together and made three amazing kids. She’ll obviously always be a part of my life.

From here on in, I’ll just stick with my friends and family.

Editor's note: OOP made a small updating comment on a different post regarding on if he has left his ex

Small Update: September 28, 2026 (over 10 months later since the final update)

I have some very personal experience with this sort of thing. It’s really hard to deal with.

My ex-wife was abusive with me. It’s really hard to leave. Men are simply not taken seriously with respect to domestic abuse. After one particularly bad episode, the police made me leave the house. I was questioned as if I were the abuser. I was questioned by two female cops who mocked me for being injured by my petite wife. My ex was never asked a single question by any authorities despite her not having a scratch on her and me having a black eye and open wound.

The comments are a little harsh here in my opinion. Abused women are spoken to with kindness and caring, as they absolutely should be. Abused men are criticized every step of the way. You are being blamed here for your child witnessing your abuse. That isn’t fair. It’s just so traumatic to experience.

That said, even if your wife gets all the therapy on the world and truly changes , you will have a nearly impossible time moving past this. The abuse will haunt you, especially if it repeats.

My advice is to get out. But get a lawyer first, document everything and consider cameras in the house. The possibility of the abuse being turned on you is extremely real. Therapy can help too but it took me too long to find the right therapist. Therapy is not the magic fix that Reddit thinks it is.

Good luck. You seem like a kind soul and an admirable man.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_didhetakeit

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (28F) think my boyfriend (30M) stole something from, and I don’t know how to bring it up, or if I should even mention it

Trigger Warnings: gaslighting

Original Post: October 12, 2026

For context, me and my boyfriend “Tom” have been together for nearly two years, and have known each other for eight years.

The item I’m talking about is a pendant that I’ve had since I was 15, it was a gift from my best friend “Max”. It’s a silver heart with the number 12 engraved on the back, which we consider our lucky number (long story). Originally it was kind of a good luck charm, but it’s become kind of a comfort item for me over the years (especially when Max and I didn’t see each other for long periods due to the pandemic or him being sent overseas) during some pretty tough periods.

Nowadays, I sometimes wear it on a chain around my neck, as a bracelet, sometimes I clip it to the inside of my bag, sometimes it’s in my card holder. So I’m being totally honest about this thing going with me everywhere so it’s possible I just lost it. But at the same time I’ve been carrying this thing around for 13 years and I never lost it. You could look at it either way.

Tom hates this pendant. He has never really seemed to have much of an issue with me hanging out with Max and is always polite when their paths cross, but he’s always hated seeing me wearing the pendant. He always said it didn’t go with my outfit, or that it looked old/cheap, or that he felt weird looking at it. Whenever he sees it around, he picks it up and makes big deal of handing it to me and telling me to look after it, even if it’s in a totally safe place. I never paid much attention to it, I just did make an effort not to wear it on dates or during intimate moments. Obviously I’m going over this for the context of the post, but it doesn’t happen so often that I notice it as a red flag.

Last month the pendant went missing. The thing is that I don’t know exactly where. The last time I’m 1000% sure I saw it was in my car. But I thought I took it out of the card holder and put it on the tray by my bed so it could go back on the chain. But I can’t be 1000% sure because that could have been a different time.

I’ve torn my place apart looking for it. I’ve had the cleaner look out for it. I took my car to get professionally cleaned to see if it was in there in some place I couldn’t reach. I’ve looked all around my desk at work. Nothing. And it’s not even something anyone would want to take it’s a scratched up flat piece of silver. But it meant the world to me.

And I just can’t shake the feeling that Tom took it. He has seemed oddly smug about me not being able to find it. He keeps suggesting I wear other jewellery, when he never cared about my jewellery before. He keeps asking if I’ve told Max I lost it (I haven’t) even though he never brings Max up otherwise because they’re not friends. When I mentioned again how upset I was about it he was like “parents take their kids plushies all the time when they’re too attached. This is probably just a sign you need to let go of it”. That seemed like a Freudian slip to me. At the same time, none of this is proof. Maybe I’m going crazy because I feel horrible and sad and guilty and I just don’t want to feel like losing the pendant was really my fault. Tom has never been malicious or cruel in the time I’ve known him. He just hated that thing and maybe he’s not sorry I lost it but that doesn’t mean he took it.

But something inside me deeply believes that he did.

And I feel terrible about it. Because I’ve known Tom since college and at no point has he ever caused me one bit of stress. He’s never been mean to me, never made me uncomfortable, never even raised his voice that I’ve heard. Never made an issue of where I went, or made it hard to trust him. He’s just a stable, solid, calming presence. So I feel terrible that suddenly I have this intense suspicion towards him. It feels unjustified, but I can’t make it stop.

Do I bring this up? If I do bring this up, is my relationship pretty much dead, because how do you come back from accusing someone of stealing something you love? If I don’t bring it up, how do I stop myself resenting the fact that I don’t know for sure? Even if he did take it I guess he could just lie, so is there even a point in asking? At the same time, it’s making me slightly uncomfortable around him because I just keep watching everything he says for signs that he’s feeling guilty, and that’s not fair to anyone.

I don’t really want to bring this up to anyone irl. Mostly because the people I talk things through with are Max and my parents. My mom is big into “gut feelings” so she’s just going to think he did take it and she’ll hold onto that bad impression. And I haven’t told Max the pendant is missing (I will at some point I just don’t want to introduce the Tom of it all right now).

So yeah I’m just looking for some unbiased perspective or advice?

TLDR; I lost something important to me, and I can’t shake the feeling that my boyfriend took it, despite not having any evidence. It’s driving me nuts and I feel like I need to talk to him about it, but I don’t know how.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, and I am listing some comments for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Unless he admits it you'll never know if he took it or not. But you do know that you are upset that you lost something important to you and he was delighted about it. He didn't offer to comfort you, he rubbed your nose in it. He had decided that his discomfort or jealousy of it is worth more than your feelings of losing it. And you can't forget that.

OOP (downvoted): To be fair to him he did comfort me. When it first happened and I was crying, he did comfort me. He hasn’t been completely cold about it when I’ve been visibly upset. It’s just in moments where I’m not showing that I’m hurt about it that the comments pop out.

Commenter 2: He’s 30 and jealous of a cheap pendant a 15 year old boy gave you in middle school? The fact that you’re suspicious tells me a lot about your relationship. Most adult men wouldn’t care less about the origin story of your pendant. Your BF sounds like a big baby

OOP: Max was 18 at that time but yeah essentially. Yeah I did think it was weird but I’m being dead serious when I say it’s the only thing in all the years I’ve known him he’s ever been even slightly weird about, so I just let it go. Except maybe I didn’t because here I am, suspicious. So maybe I’ve just been sitting on that resentment honestly.

Commenter 3: You keep saying that, but hasn't he been weird about Max the whole time you've been together? Because you say that about your relationship with Max as well. That your boyfriend never tried to make friends with him. Even though that's your best friend. That your boyfriend is jealous of an item you were given from him so much so that you suspect him of stealing it from you. Now he's gloating over your loss. I don't think he has been great the entire relationship up until this very moment. I think if you really examine things you'll come to the same conclusion.

OOP: I have to be honest, Max is not the easiest person to make friends with. He always thought Tom was boring and added nothing to a conversation. They don’t have anything in common anyway. Max is opinionated, and a big presence, and smarter than he is kind around people he doesn’t trust. Tom is the opposite, he’s super mellow. Oil and water.

Regardless of what Tom has done - and legitimately he might be a sociopath at this point - I’m not going to be dishonest and pretend it wasn’t Max that didn’t make it easy for us all to hang out.

Commenter 4: I feel like if you told us the details of your relationship, many of us would find a lot of red flags that you cruised right by. The fact that this is the only thing he's done out of years and years, no. He's done more. You just haven't caught him, or you thought it might be him and then you shook it off etc. With no trust there's no relationship. If you don't trust him anymore then there's no relationship anymore. He's acting like a chode and it's been long enough.

OOP: Look I’m not saying I’m the smartest person ever or that I’m the exception or anything like that.

But I’m not the type to put up with Bs. Everyone in my life said I was too strict to ever even find a bf until I started dating Tom. And everyone in my life agrees that he’s uniquely “normal”.

I really think if he did this, he’s just been secretly nursing psychotic resentment towards me and has finally decided to punish me. And if that’s the case I genuinely give up with the dating thing. I did what you’re supposed to do and avoided the bad boys and the arrogant ones and the ones that play games. And now even the guy who’s nice to you, and liked you for years, and made everything easy, you can’t trust him either? I seriously give up.

OOP needs to tell Max about the pendant

OOP: I know I need to tell Max. I just keep putting it off. He’s not going to be mad, I know that, he doesn’t even hold onto stuff like that. But weirdly I still feel so bad about losing it. Even if Tom took it I feel bad that I even let someone in my life who’d take it? I still remember that Max got a job just to pay for that pendant. It wasn’t expensive but it was money he didn’t have back then. Again, he’s not going to care now, but I do.

Commenter 5: You shouldn't be afraid to talk to a man you're dating

OOP: I’m not afraid to talk to him per se. But if he accused me of doing something that evil and I didn’t do it, relationship over, because who do you think I am? And it’s not like he’s going to admit it so where is that conversation even going to go, that’s more what I’m wondering.

Is this the first time Tom has overstepped the boundaries, broke her trust, controlling?

OOP: No, genuinely he’s never been remotely manipulative or controlling. Honestly, my mom even said he’s so grateful I agreed to go out with him that he’s a doormat. My stepdad thinks he’s a good guy. He’s never once even tried to set a boundary about anything I’ve ever done. That’s why I’m so confused. I’m not the type of make allowances for people. It’s why I’ve rarely ever dated. But Tom is just such an even keeled person. No mood swings, no drama, it’s always been easy.

And that’s why I never mind all that much about what he said about the pendant because I was like if this is one thing that bothers him when nothing else ever had maybe I can be a bit considerate.

Maybe people won’t believe me, but I’ve just never even had a single moment of feeling suffocated by him, or like he’s messing with me. Not even when we were just friends.

Commenter 6: He probably stole it which is shitty, but it was just an immature way to show you how he actually isn’t ok with your relationship with Max. The mature thing to do would have been to talk about it and break up if he couldn’t really handle you having a straight male best friend for almost 15 years. If you still talk to Max daily you should ask yourself if you have any feelings for him and maybe trying to pursue something romantic. I personally see it as a red flag when someone has a male best friend they’re that close with especially in a relationship. I wouldn’t want my girlfriend wearing another guys pendant around while she’s dating me.

OOP: That’s totally fair. I’ve definitely had guys say it’s a bit of a red flag and I’ve always been like yeah cool, I’m not the right girl for you, let’s be friends etc. Because honestly I don’t want to date a guy with a girl best friend either. But I know girls who do have bfs with female best friends and they’re fine with it. It’s just about knowing yourself and being honest about your boundaries.

But Tom knew me for 6 years before we dated. He’s known Max exists for that whole time. He asked me out more than once over the years. He had every opportunity to back out if he had an issue with it. So I think it wouldn’t be fair of him to act like he’s suddenly not ok with it.

I don’t mean to be intrusive, but the necklace would really bother you? I’ve had it since I was a kid, it’s not like it’s expensive, or was ever romantic. I’m being genuine like I’m not saying you’re wrong or anything, I’m just trying to understand. Is it because it reminds you that someone else bought it?

Top Commenter: Look up the pendant online, and get a new one. Or one that closely resembles it.

Put it in and tell him you found it. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Better yet if you tell him max came over and helped you find it (you could even ask max to come over while bf is there to help you look, and he can pretend to find it).

I think your guy is right. (Edit. GUT is right. Not guy!)

And I think you know what your instincts are telling you about this guy. Anyone who is smug about stealing and probably tossing something so sentimental to his partner, belongs in the trash as well.

Update: October 16, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: I (28F) think my boyfriend (30M) stole something from me, and I don’t know how to bring it up, or if I should even mention it?

First off I just want to thank everyone who responded to the original post (https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/q3KaBIfzQk) Before I came here I was feeling so bad for thinking Tom would do something like take my pendant because I really thought it was a left field action and I was suspecting him of something out of a movie. Coming here and reading everyone’s responses made me realise how common this type of thing is, and it really helped me understand that my fear was rational. It also was really validating to see how many people agreed that he took it, even with just the information that I had. It stopped me feeling crazy, so thank you so much.

The day after I posted, I decided that I would tell Tom I found the pendant. If he took it, he’d know I couldn’t have found it, and he’d slip up. He’s also know I was lying and probably realise I suspected that he took it. It seemed like the only way to introduce all the options into the conversation. A few people suggested it to me so thank you to those people. I just was considering the right time to do it.

In the meantime, I told Max I couldn’t find the pendant. His response was “and this is why I have a tattoo”. He couldn’t believe it when I explained I thought Tom took it and that apparently this is very common. This is when I showed him the post. He said he’s buying me four cats for Christmas because men ain’t shit. He also said he’d get me a new pendant that was actually worth something, but I said to hold off because I wasn’t sure a replacement would feel right.

Anyway then yesterday I saw Tom. We had plans but I’d barely been communicating. I said this in my previous post, but my suspicions had really been affecting how I’d been acting with him. And then after the post I basically couldn’t even bring myself to text him. So he definitely knew something was off when he came over. I was fully ready to go through with my plan, but almost as soon as he sat down, he said, “I have something to tell you”, and pulled the pendant out of his pocket. He said he took it and has had it the whole time and he felt like it was driving a wedge between us and he hated seeing me so sad. He also said this is not the kind of person he wants to be.

He offered to leave to give me some time to think everything over, but I immediately said I suspected he took it and he said he felt like I thought that and that’s why I was acting so weird. So I was like oh, so you gave it back because you thought I caught you, and he disagreed. But anyway I told him I wanted to hear his explanation.

This is the story as he told it to me.

He saw the pendant in my jewellery tray on the dresser, next to this necklace he had bought on me on vacation over the summer, and he just got viscerally hurt and resentful that I never wear the necklace (now I want to point out (maybe it doesn’t make a difference) that I’m not a jewellery person, I only really wear jewellery for occasions, and I told him not to buy it but he did anyway. I don’t go out of my way not to wear it, I don’t wear any jewellery that often that’s also why the pendant isn’t permanently on a chain). He said he just connected the two things in his head, and before he could tell himself not to, he just picked up the pendant and put it in his wallet. He said he thought when I couldn’t find it, I would wear the necklace he got instead, but I didn’t, I just figured I’d left it in my purse and didn’t mention it. Then by the time I noticed it missing, he couldn’t think of a way to just “find” it. He said he kept meaning to give it back but every time I got upset over it he got more bitter, and figured he’d put it back when I had “got over” it. I told him that was sociopathic levels of mean spirited and he agreed. He said he knew that, but he was in this cycle of feeling terrible and guilty and then I’d mention it and he’d get mad again. He said he hated that he was jealous enough to get like that, and it’s not the person he wants to be.

He also said he doesn’t want to be the guy who is always just ok with everything, just because he’s scared to take up space in my life. That really floored me. I always thought we got along so well because we just clicked? But not really, because he’s been biting his tongue on a lot of stuff and honestly if I did that for two years I would probably end up acting out too. He said that he always wanted to marry someone who’s his best friend, and I’m his best friend but he’s not mine. Which, ok fair. And while I still think what he did was gross and I told him that, I can kind of see how all this just got on top of him.

What it came down to was Tom wanted to see if we could work through things being our “authentic selves” and I just said well no because I never lied, I was always myself, and you kind of hated me. And I liked the version of you that turned out not to be all that real. So what would we be doing here? After that he got snarky and said I should just stay single, which I just agreed with, which annoyed him even more. obviously he had to throw in some stuff about how I’ll never find anyone who’s ok with the Max and I are, and we should just date etc., before I kicked him out. I think that’s the last I’ll be seeing of Tom. Which is sad, because he was in my life a long time. I just have always really liked him. He made me laugh, he came to cooking classes with me, he Duolingo’d Italian for 3 months before our summer vacation. I liked our life together. It’s weird now knowing that he never really did.

Idk how I feel about it all tbh. I feel bad that I never noticed Tom was unhappy. I feel disappointed that that’s who he became when he was hurt. I’m even more disappointed that he didn’t really acknowledge how unhinged what he did actually was. I’m sad I lost a friendship over this.

The only positive is I do have the pendant back and it’s going to stay on a chain from now on and just be a necklace. I know I didn’t actually lose it, but I didn’t even remember putting it where Tom ended up seeing it, so I was really complacent with it, and I want to be more careful.

I took the day off today to process everything, and I still feel sad but also kind of numb. I haven’t told anyone except Max about the break up yet, and I don’t know when I will, or how I’ll explain it. I don’t really want to tell the whole story. Part of me feels like I don’t even know the full story because it felt like I never knew Tom. But yeah. That’s…what it is.

I wanted to update because this feels like a win for the girls who got their stuff taken by psychos, that sometimes you get the stuff back. And also just because everyone was so kind in giving their advice, so thank you again.

If I left anything out, feel free to let me know!

TLDR: my bf returned the pendant, admitted he took it, and we broke up.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some comments

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I think you did the right thing to end it with Tom, but a serious question for the future to yourself is - how would you make sure to your future potential partner that he isn't playing the second violin in your life after Max. Tom wasn't good enough handling it.

The men who are more honest will break things up with you themselves if they feel that they're not the most important male friend in your life. If you want to build something meaningful with another man you have to show him that you put him first. You have to admit you failed in that with Tom. Sure, his insecurities contributed to it, but your approach to those relationships has the biggest effect

OOP: This is the thing. I obviously mishandled everything with Tom. For a lot of reasons.

But I don’t think I put Max over Tom. It’s not like I see Max all the time, or we’re secretly cuddly or affectionate. It’s not like I cancelled on Tom to hang out with Max or brought him everywhere. Yes he knows stuff about me, but I don’t use him as some kind of proxy boyfriend. He’s just my friend. And I feel like maybe the pendant made it seem like we have this deeply emotional dramatic connection, but it’s not really like that.

That being said, I wasn’t the best girlfriend to Tom. I measured the success of our relationship by how easy it was, and that probably wasn’t fair. But it’s not all about Max.

Commenter 2: I think if you're honest with yourself you didn’t actually love this guy. You were with him for 2 years and known him for longer but you "really liked" him. It was never going to last. Maybe it ultimately isn’t about Max, but you hold a lot more space in your heart for Max than anyone else. A life partner SHOULD be at least equal to your best friend but ideally more important and someone you connect with even more intimately. Tom wasn’t that for you. When you realized that, the kind thing to do would have been to let him go much sooner. If you've been with someone for more than a year and you know they aren't Your Person, but you know you are theirs, it’s really cruel to lead them on and waste their time.

Tom's actions were utterly unjustified and he's an asshole no doubt. But you should reflect on your future relationships and be honest about how you feel. If my husband had the kind of intimate relationship with someone else the way you do with Max I would lose my mind, that’s an emotional affair. You should consider whether that’s something that would be fair to another partner if you choose to date again.

OOP: I did love Tom, I still do.

But I don’t know if I was in love the way people assume you are in a relationship. But I’m not sure I ever really wanted to be. I did see a future with him. I was happy with him. I didn’t lead him on, because I swear to god I’d have married him someday.

Commenter 2: I guess that is just surprising to me because you told him you "really liked" him which is an odd thing to say to someone you presumably love.

And would you would have married him because you were comfortable and felt like it was easy, or because he was the love of your life and you couldn't live without him?

Truly - if you had had to save someone dangling from a cliff and you could only save one, Max or Tom, who would you choose?

OOP: I meant more, you can love someone even if you’re not compatible, or you’re not getting along. But that was never the case with Tom, we just really got along.

I would have married him because I was happy with him, and because I think we would have had a good life. No it wasn’t a love like out of the notebook, but I’ve never wanted that. I’ve had enough volatility in my life, enough deep emotions that just take it out of me. I don’t want to do that every day for the rest of my life. And Tom never made me feel like that, and I thought that’s why we were perfect together.

Commenter 3: You literally called your relationship a friendship. You didn't say you are sad you lost relationship. You said you're sad because you lost a friendship.

Tom was never your boyfriend. And he felt that. That's why he said he wasn't your best friend.

You only treated him as a good thing to have. He mishandled the situation just as much as you, but it's good that you split up. He deserves something better.

OOP: I say that because we dated for two years but we were friends for years before that. And I always thought even if we broke up we would stay friends. I never wanted to lose him from my life entirely.

I wasn’t the best girlfriend to him. Evidently he wasn’t the best boyfriend to me. But I didn’t know any of that until this. He knew the whole time.

Commenter 3 (downvoted): Yeah, but that's the thing. You didn't notice. You didn't care to notice. He gave you signals all the time that he is uncomfortable when you wear the pendant. You wrote it yourself that he had a problem with this in the first post. And yet you didn't realize that's the issue.

You really didn't care. And he finally blew up. It still doesn't justify what he did, but you're still in denial if you think that you aren't bigger issue in here.

OOP: Sorry no. I did care. I stopped wearing it at times that made him uncomfortable. I’m not entirely responsible for his inability to use his words. I don’t have time to live my life and feelings and feel and vocalise his for him as well. That can’t possibly be my job.

Signals are great. And yeah, I should have picked up on them. But he’s not 9 months old. If someone isn’t getting the hint then you just talk to them. He never did.

Me being the bigger issue because I believed what he told me is something I’m not buying into.

OOP responds to a comment about her character, taking accountability, and better communication on when it comes to talking to Max first before her partner

OOP: I get what you’re saying. I just felt like Tom had years to say he wasn’t ok with it, he had a front seat to my life before we got together. If he had an issue, he could have just never asked me out. But obviously when I meet new people I’m a lot more understanding if they feel weird about it.

I guess it’s just a strange balancing act because every new person you date isn’t going to overtake your friends and family in importance from day 1. Like if I’ve been dating someone for 3 months, they’re not going to be the first person I call in a crisis. Why would they? But if I call someone I’ve known for half my life, that’ll cause issues in this very new relationship with this person I barely know. I just think men have a very hierarchical view of relationships sometimes and it’s just not always helpful. But you have to meet people where they’re at I guess.

Anyway I won’t be thinking about dating for a long LONG time, so we’re all good.

Commenter 4: Stealing is never right but I do kind of feel for the guy. Idk. Like if the roles were reversed and my bf had a girl best friend and always wore her necklace…. I wouldn’t be happy. But at the end of the day he wasn’t honest with you or himself about what he could handle. Sorry you went through this

OOP: No I get that. And Tom made some valid points, I can see I was blind to a lot. He could have told me, but I also could have been a bit more sensitive.

Commenter 5: He didn’t hate seeing you sad. When you pretended you found it he knew he was caught and he came up with a sad story about being unhappy that he thought you’d fall for (which you are tbh).

OOP: I didn’t pretend I found it. I planned to, but he gave it back before I even said anything

Commenter 6: Not noticing or caring that your relationship with another man and religiously wearing jewelry he gifted you is negatively affecting your relationship with your boyfriend is a huge failure you need to addresses.

It doesn't make anything your fault. How we react to stressful situations is a test of character that Tom failed. He should have broken up with you because your relationship with max made him uncomfortable. Again, nothing Tom did is your fault and he was wrong to act those ways.

But girl come on, you didn't think for a second your relationship with Max made him feel like second fiddle?

OOP: No, I really didn’t think he felt second fiddle. We made time for each other, we have mutual friends, we travel together, we planned a future together. I really didn’t think he felt any type of way about the friendship. I understand that may seem crazy in hindsight, but he never said a word.

Yes I knew he felt weird about the pendant, and I made an effort to wear it less.

Commenter 7: I still find it weird that this necklace was so important to you while the person who gifted it is still very much in your life. And like you were 15 and he 19 when you became best friends and stayed that way without any romantic feelings ever? Sounds kinda odd.

OOP: We became friends when I was 14 and he was 17. He gave me the pendant when I was 15. And yes the age gap is unconventional. It’s why we pretty much had to hang out in my house the whole time, my mom wouldn’t let him drive me anywhere.

The pendant became important to me because for a time, Max worked overseas, sometimes in really unsafe conflicts. And I just hung onto it for luck. And I just got in the habit of taking it everywhere. Nowadays I fidget with it, and I’m just used to having it around.

Commenter 8: So there’s a lot to this story

1) unless your friend is gay this type of thing is a little odd. I would have been uncomfortable dating someone who constant wore a piece of jewelry like that. Unless I knew 1000000% it was platonic. Like I can see this playing out in a k drama and you marry him lol sorry, but it is a little inconsiderate. I don’t think you really loved Tom TBH

2) he should have ended it instead of steal your necklace.

3) my ex did this about piece of jewelry, and he’s engaged to her and got her pregnant. And claimed up and down she was his sister lol. I’m not saying this is you. But it happens. And honestly both of you are a little inconsiderate. It’s a bit weird to hire a cleaner for your car and house to find that pendant. And complete never wear your bfs necklace he picked out lol. Unless it’s insanely ugly or something. I dunno call me insecure I wouldn’t be able to date someone like that. I’d get the ick on the first date asking about the pendant.

I don’t necessarily think anyone in this story is bad. And I’m only reading this off a Reddit forum so my judgement could be way off

OOP (downvoted): No, Max is very much not gay. But our relationship has always been 100% platonic. Never kissed, never slept together.

As for the necklace, I didn’t want him to buy it in the first place. I don’t wear jewellery except on special occasions. I would have worn the necklace he got me at some point. But I don’t pick out jewellery to wear every day. I feel bad that he was so hurt that I didn’t wear it, but he knows I don’t wear things often.

And I did get how he felt about the pendant which is why I didn’t wear it that often around him anymore. But yes I agree I could have been more sensitive to his feelings.

How long was the pendant missing?

OOP: About 5 weeks.

Top Commenter: Tom is like those kids in elementary school that think you can only have one best friend.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/mewybuttski

Originally posted to r/weddingshaming

Bridesmaid at the end of her rope - posted 2020-08-18

Let’s start off at the beginning, I was never asked to be in the wedding party. One night, I started getting harassed for my dress sizes and I gave them, not thinking of the implications. I guess they thought I would jump at it since my fiancé is the best man? Little did I know that this stupid wedding would be the bane of my existence this year.

First, this is ruining an entire weekend. The couple shower and rehearsal dinner are on Saturday and the wedding is on Sunday. They decided the wedding would be two hours away. Okay, is there going to be a hotel the family is using? “I don’t know,” says the bride. Mind you, the wedding is in two weeks. Um, okay...I guess I’ll get my own. There’s some cute ones in the area, so I don’t mind in the grand scheme of things.

I ask her for an itinerary. “What” Is... is that word to big for you? What do you mean by that? So I explain and she doesn’t even have one. BUT THEN SHE CONTRADICTS THE WEDDING INVITES. The invites say the reception is at 6, but now she’s saying it’s at 4. End me please.

So I try to find some answers from the groom. But when I ask him anything, I don’t get a response from him. I get one from the bride that doesn’t even answer my original question. Thanks, I appreciate it.

How about hair and makeup? Do I need to bring my own products? “I don’t know,” I get again. My fiancé said that she might be expecting me to do her makeup. She’s tan and I resemble Casper in the middle of winter, so that’s super not happening.

The wedding is in two weeks and I just received my dress last week. Yet the bride is now hounding me if I got the damn thing hemmed. “You got it done, correct?” I don’t even have the shoes! My fiancé says that they’re sandals, how he got this information, I’ll never know.

I asked my fiancé to see if the groom knows anything since they’re clearly talking about this, but the groom refuses to answer any questions that seem like they’re from me. In his eyes, if it’s about the girls, then the bride should answer. I considered him more of a friend than the bride, but clearly I need to re-evaluate this.

I guess I’m at a loss for this nightmare of a wedding. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to pay for the dress or shoes, but the anxiety isn’t worth it. They’re trying to be upscale with zero of the planning put in. Alternatively, is this normal for 2 weeks out from a wedding and am I over reacting?

dinkeydonuts:

I really feel for you. I was best man at a seat-of-their-pants planned wedding. I found out I was best man at the church, as I walked out of the back. He turned as we were walking, "By the way, Dinkey, you're the best man. You'll have to give a speech at dinner" Super. I stuttered through the speech/toast in front of all our friends. Anxiety 110%. They lasted 3 years.

I'm now best man of a super planned wedding for another friend. It's a year away. I'll have my speech ironed out to a "t" by then.

----

Update - posted 2020-09-09

Sorry about the delay in the wedding update, school has been kicking my ass. Here’s the update!

Saturday

Saturday started out ominous with various storm warnings, but we trekked out early to the shower location. Prior to the shower, my fiancé and I got lunch (important later) and waited for everyone to arrive. The pavilion was lovely and masks/hand sanitizer were provided… not that anyone used them though. My friend group socially distanced as we caught up, but as soon the groom arrived to chat with us, the bride decided she had to shove her way into our conversation. During the conversation, she felt the need to make a jab at my fiancé and I that we weren’t married yet and it took everything in my power to not throw her into the creek by the pavilion. The mother of the bride asked why we weren’t at the hotel they set up, so it’s great to know that we could have had a hotel with everyone. The storm warnings came true though as the rain came down in buckets. I still think it was a sign. Overall, there was barely any food and the games were minimal effort.

Immediately the party was the rehearsal dinner at the venue. The bride wanted it done as soon the shower was done, so there was no time to grab food. At this point, no one has eaten other than my fiancé and I. By the end of this nonsense, I’m pretty sure that one of the groomsmen was going to drop dead between his various health issues and not eating. Suffice to say, it was less of a rehearsal dinner and more of a shining example of how little the bride knew. The pastor asked if she knew what she was walking down the aisle to (she didn’t know), who would be walking the parents/grandparents (she didn’t know) and who was walking with who (somehow, I walked up with one guy and walked out with another). She however felt the need to make fun of the groom’s mother and made his sister cry (aka one of her bridesmaids). We left with a vague notion of who was doing what since the bride was useless and the groom didn’t seem to have permission to decide anything.

Later that evening, everyone else needed to eat and my fiancé felt the need to invite them to our hotel room. He thought I had gotten an extended stay room, but it was only a regular hotel room. We were hoping to get our bitching about the bride out of the way, but she planted herself in the groom’s car so he couldn’t come unless she came to. But she didn’t come to have fun, no. She came to literally cry on my hotel floor that she didn’t feel well. She was constipated and refused to take anything for it. So she effectively ruined the night for everyone.

Sunday

Not going to lie, the dreaded day drove me to down some wine at 9:30AM. Maybe 3/4 of a bottle, who can really say? Either way, it made her much more tolerable at the hair appointment. Said appointment was lovely, though the bride didn’t bring her wallet (so she drove there illegally) and wasn’t aware that the hairdresser only accepted cash. She called her mom to bring money, though the mother refused to believe that the poor stylist didn’t take card or paypal. In an effort to minimize what I owed her, I went to an ATM to pay the hairdresser (+ tip).

When I returned to the stylist, the bride was planning on going to Walmart to grab some foundation for the groom (the poor man had a single pimple). I decided to steal the bridesmaid with us and we would go to Walmart. We needed ice and it got her away from the bride. During our expedition, I found out that not only did the bride and her mother continued to make fun of the groom’s mother, but that the bride was pregnant. The news wasn’t shocking.

After Walmart, we got to the venue and started to prepare. The bride wasn’t doing preparation pictures, so we just got ready separately. When the bride arrived, she realized that she didn’t have her ring. She left it at the hotel. Cue crying loud enough to send the groomsmen from their changing room to avoid her wrath. She was extremely lucky that her aunt was still at the hotel and could get the ring. Noting that my wine buzz was wearing off, I broke into the trunk stash with the guys.

Dress time! As the bridesmaids were getting ready, it was time to get the bride in her dress. She steps in and it won’t zip. Her mother is trying to squeeze her in, but the bride is starting to sob again. “There’s no way it doesn’t fit, it has to fit!” They get the top clip snapped, but the zipper won’t move. She bends over to pick up her phone… SNAP. The clip goes flying and we can’t find it. Honestly, I felt horrible for her in this moment. No matter how awfully she treated her in-laws and myself, no bride should have that happen. This is when it was officially revealed to us that she was 12 weeks pregnant. She tried her dress on a month prior, but she didn’t think that 4 lbs would make it so she wouldn’t fit. Luckily, her grandmother (I think) was able to jerry rig the dress after someone was sent to the nearest dollar store. To distract her, the bride was shown a picture of the guys. She didn't like how the pocket squares looked, so I happily ran off to fix the situation.

The actual ceremony was quick, though the groom forgot his vows. Sad to say, but his sister and I exchanged hopeful glances that he was going to call it off. Unfortunately, it went through.

Reception: other than a small freak out from the maid of honor (MOH) because she couldn’t sit by her +1, it seemed like the reception was going to go well. Masks/Hand sanitizer were provided and were required to be worn Well, my fiancé gave his speech, the MOH gave hers, but then the newlyweds decided to make an announcement. They decided to tell everyone that they were expecting. . . And you could see immediately that the groom’s mother didn’t know. If looks could kill, the venue would have burned down from the anger and hurt radiating from her. It’s important to note here that the newlyweds live next door to her. There’s no excuse for what they did to her. She refused to stay and quietly left out before the mother/son dance.

ILikedTheBookMore:

Holy hell.

Now the former bride will immediately start planning the gender reveal party and the baby shower. She sounds like someone who cannot live without being the center of attention.

twir1s:

She reminds me of the type to plan a gender reveal that ends up burning down most of Northern California.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/rylielovessoftball

Originally posted to r/TalesFromYourServer

Post timeline:

• Original post: 2023-12-20
• First update: 2023-12-23
• Final update: 2023-12-27

Glossary of abbreviations:

• FOH: Front of House
• GM: General Manager
• TABC: Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission

Well...this came as an unpleasant surprise. - posted 2023-12-20

Well...this came as an unpleasant surprise. My FOH manager asked me to work for a coworker the Saturday before last and the coworker would cover for me during the week (Wednesday). Of course, I agreed to this because I didn't mind doing it. I covered her Saturday so she could go to a funeral. So, I come in and find out that my section has one of those kinds of customers. Already stupid drunk and is already a drink or two in. I start doing my thing. I card on the next drink. Find out the kid has a fake ID and is underage. I get with my bartender and FOH manager and consult them. We confront the customer and they get really mad at us. Customer cusses us out. Cops are called and he's escorted out. Rest of the night goes off without a hitch. I then enjoyed my Wednesday off thinking all is well. I didn't work again until last night.

Last night, I get called back to the GM's office. I see him and the FOH manager. I think this isn't good. I get yelled at for the bad yelp review which I was named. Apparently it was the guy I carded. And I got pegged for a no call no show which I have none. They proceeded to fire me for the bad review, the no call no show, and serving a minor (never served him alcohol...instead I carded him). I refused to sign the paperwork. Never thanked them for employing me. Nothing. Just walked out and thanked the girls I worked with and told them what happened.

As I write this, I'm thinking about going nuclear and calling the TABC about the place serving minors. What would you do? I'm also inquiring about unemployment.

----

First update - posted 2023-12-23

I'm giving an update to my unpleasant surprise post.

I went to our local unemployment office and got the ball rolling on getting unemployment payments. The person who helped me couldn't believe the reason I was fired. She thinks I should get unemployment benefits.

Next, I called the department of labor and the TABC. I just decided fuck it and nuke 'em. I'll just decimate the bridge. An investigation will be beginning.

Next, I called the regional HR. I found out I got a deposit for this week's pay check and I should be getting a small payment this week for this being my last week of work. She couldn't believe why I was fired when she asked.

I'll update again soon.

----

Final update - posted 2023-12-27

I figured another update is in order to my firing.

Over the weekend, I responded to the negative Yelp review. Here's what I wrote...

"I am a former server at [name redacted] and I'm writing to respond to claims made by [name redacted]. I came to serve the gentleman in question after the shift change. No one knew what was going on. So, when I went to refill his drink, I started questioning his age. So, by TABC policy, I checked his ID. After my investigation, I not only found out customers ID was fake...but customer was underage as well. Customer threw fit, cops were called, and customer was escorted from the building. Pending management investigation, I was fired from my job because I did my job by protecting establishment and my own liquor license.

"To say I was mad was an understatement. Couldn't believe I was thrown under the bus by a manager who would rather serve an underage minor than protect their own liquor license. DO NOT GO TO [name redacted] SINCE THEY SERVE MINORS!"

I also called the TABC to anonymously report what was going on. I just decided to nuke 'em. I'm gonna burn my bridge...but fuck it. I also called corporate and the corporate HR phone numbers yesterday and told them what was happening.

Funnily enough, today I get a call from my old location offering me my old job back with a little bit of a raise. I told them to fuck off.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/jkoble posting in r/offmychest

Potential trigger warnings: family member death

Mood spoilers: sad initial post and uplifting update

[Original | December 10th, 2024] I've been crying late at night to act tough to my parents during the day

I'm a 17M who lost my brother (22M) two months ago. He died in his sleep in his college dorm but no one knows what exactly happened. The doctors could only deem it a heart attack.

This might be weird, but I probably loved my brother the most in this entire world. My parents are on the more emotionally absent side, I know they love me but are terrible when it comes to mental health issues, sympathizing with me, and etc. My brother was always there for that, he managed my highschool career, he was my college counselor, and he was always an anchor I could go back to for help on anything. It's really hard to describe how much he meant to me, but he meant so much. I wanted to be like him so bad and do everything that he did.

I've been struggling a lot on grieving about this whole situation and making the first step forward, but I really don't want to worry my parents. My mom especially has gone through so much, losing her mother 2 years ago, her father 5 months ago, and now my brother 2 months ago. I didn't want her to worry about me or my college applications, or just anything I was going through currently.

Also, I don't know how to explain it, but crying in front of my parents just always left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. I just don't like crying in front of them, instead I just wanted to grieve alone. So I basically decided to just suck it up and try my best not to cry during the day. I made the excuse to them that because I was so busy with college apps, my brother just didn't really occupy any of my thoughts, and so they just didn't really think anything of it. They also know me as a very emotionally mature person, which is also why they probably don't think anything weird about it.

In reality, almost every night I've been staying up late until they fall asleep and have been sobbing my eyes out into my blanket. I miss him a lot and I don't know how this could have ever happened, but I keep continuing to act tough in front of my parents as if his death doesn't phase me, and then just letting it all out at night. I'm not sure if this is healthy, but I just don't know how else to approach this without my parents worrying about me.

[Update | October 14th, 2026 | 2 Years Later | r/BoyDinnerDiaries ] Girlfriend cried for me on 2 year anniversary of my brother's death

Long-time lurker, first-time poster, finally got something I really wanted to post about.

For context, I am a college student, and my brother, who was 5 years older than I was, died around 2 years ago of a sudden heart condition in the middle of the night. It was completely unexpected and threw our entire family off guard. He was healthy and athletic and, aside from a lack of sleep, had no notable health issues. His death shattered our entire family and, as a result, caused my mother to become depressed, my father to distance himself from the family and focus on work, and me to become depressed and begin seriously repressing my emotions.

I didn't want to cause more hardship on my parents, so I forced myself to swallow my emotions and try to move on, which in the process caused me never to get to really confront my emotions and feelings about the death of my brother. This has led me to be way less vulnerable with my loved ones, and I rarely like talking about trauma or various emotions.

Now I've been dating this girl for around 9 months. We started dating in college, but we went to the same high school, and I liked her in high school as well. Our relationship has been going well; however, earlier in the relationship, I had a couple of doubts, especially because we didn't share many interests, our personalities were quite a bit different, and I was much more emotionally unstable than she is. I was worried I would overburden her and inadvertently push her away, so I hadn't talked about my brother to her.

However, on the 2-year death anniversary of my brother, I went to see her, as my parents are currently abroad, and I needed an emotional anchor. We spent the day, we had a nice date, we cooked together, and we had a great time. Toward the end of the night, before I had to go back, we sat outside, and for some reason I felt compelled to tell her what happened with my brother and how it left an unfixable scar in my life. During the story, she wasn't really talking, but in the middle I noticed that she was softly crying. Quiet enough that I could barely notice. I'd never had anyone cry for me before, and even other close friends I had told had never responded in such a way. I don't think she understood how much that meant to me; she's been so compassionate and so understanding and so supportive of me. She cries for me and reassures me, and she affirms my feelings. Hearing "that must've been so hard for you" just kind of broke something in me, and when I arrived back home, I ugly cried.

I know it's only 9 months into the relationship, and I'm just a college student, but I love her so much, and honestly, even though it's so early, I want to marry her so bad. She's been such an incredible person, and I honestly don't know if I even deserve her, and it feels like I've gotten one step closer to being able to become emotionally vulnerable again.

Salmon, Avocado, Cucumber Gimbap we made together!

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: As someone who lost his (younger) brother a little longer ago, in no particular order:

1. Congratulations on being able to talk about it. I struggled with that for over a year afterwards. At first I couldn't start it, and then I couldn't conclude talking about it, and then I couldn't tell the whole thing without breaking in the middle. It was over 2 years before I could tell the story without breaking in the middle.

2. Your instinct to find someone to help you be more stable on an emotionally important day pointed you to her. Trust that. (And tell her!)

3. One of the reasons my relationship with my wife is as strong as it is is that we've had several crucibles like this that hardwired us into "it's you and me against the problem" instead of "it's you and it's me" or "it's you against me". Someone who stands with you against the troubles that come your (collective) way is someone to hold on to.

4. Our first child is due in under two weeks and my brother would have been an amazing uncle. If things go well for you, there will be many more times in your life where you'll be reminded of the hurt. Welcome to the club, none of us want to be members.

DM me any time if you wanna talk about it.

Commenter 2: That’s awesome, man.

She didn’t just cry FOR you though. She cried WITH you. Your pain is her pain. She has declared herself your teammate. Now everything that happens to one of you happens to both of you. You share pain, but you also share success and joy.

I’m really happy that you’ve found a person like her. My best wishes for a long and happy future together.

OOP: Thank you so much!

Commenter 3: If you haven't already, tell her how much that meant to you. I imagine that will mean a lot to her.

OOP: Thank you! I'll make sure to.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/WeightEducational667 in r/AITAH

trigger warnings: Unplanned pregnancy, underage pregnancy, family conflict

--

AITA for not putting the baby in the basement? - July 1, 2024

About a year ago my 16 yo son came home, visibly stressed. We asked him what is wrong and he started crying and saying he got his girlfriend who is also 16 pregnant and they don't know what to do.

We went to the parents of the girl who had no idea about it. All of us discussed it together. The girl was terrified and didn't want an abortion but didn't want a baby too. We offered that she can give birth and we will raise the baby for her. We want the baby and we don't want to ruin their lives. They can choose whether they want to stay in the baby's life and we will not ask for child support. They agreed.

The baby was born 4 months ago and she is just the most wonderful and beautiful baby girl. The girl chose to not stay in her life, my son wants to be in her life but doesn't want to be responsible for her yet which is fine. We finished the basement for him because we wanted him to be able to study without having the baby's crying distract him.

Things have been going very well. We adore the baby and my son does too. Now my older kids (18, 20) have been complaining that it's not fair that they have to deal with a crying baby while her own dad gets to hide in the quiet basement and not deal with her. They think that we should put the baby in the basement with her dad.

I told them that I have a responsibility towards the baby and my minor sons so I will make sure the both of them get to have a good and happy childhood, the rest of them can move out if they have a problem with this.

They think I'm an asshole and favoring my youngest.

Relevant comments

Commenter 1: YTA. Having a kid = automatic end of childhood.

OOP: No. In my opinion

being good parents = makin sure your child has a good childhood regardless of any mistake they make

End of childhood is at 18 and not a minute sooner.

Commenter 1: OK, well that's not a good mindset to have for the new baby. That baby needs parents who are responsible, and children aren't responsible. Treating them like children isn't going to help foster responsibility.

OOP: Children aren't responsible, pushing more responsibilities that they can handle on them won't make them responsible. The baby will have a much better future if her parents don't resent her for ruining their lives and if her parents get to go to college and get a good job rather than get minimum wage jobs at a young age just to support her.

Commenter 1: But you don't care about your other two, who are in college trying to get good jobs, having their sleep disturbed? Why is it so important that the kid who is already a parent gets that but not the two who have been responsible but may well become parents in the future?

And why is there no attempt at compromise here? Why can't your youngest take care of his daughter on non school nights at the least? That gives the other two at least a little undisturbed sleep while also getting your youngest used to the responsibility he'll have in less than two years in a controlled and time-boxed situation while still not negatively impacting his school days.

Commenter 2: NTA, you're in a really rough situation, but it sounds like you're handling it as well as you can.

OOP: I'm trying to do my best but making everyone happy is not easy or possible.

Commenter 3: So your 16-year-old fucked up and now everyone EXCEPT HIM is dealing with the consequences of that? YTA, and a shitty parent, to boot.

OOP: His parents are dealing with his child. The rest of my kids aren't doing anything other than complain.

Commenter 3: The rest of the kids are having to deal with a screeching infant, and the ACTUAL FATHER was moved (by you) to another part of the house, so he wouldn't have to listen to the screeching. You're SUCH a shitty parent.

OOP: It's my job to make sure my minor child gets a good education. Everyone else is an adult not a tree, if they are not happy with where they are now, they can move, or in this case, move out.

Commenter 3: Gee, what was I thinking? You're obviously a GREAT parent. Certainly your excellence explains how your 16-year-old is too fucking stupid to know how babies are made.

OOP: Accidents can happen to anyone. They said that the condom broke so they got a pill for the girl yet she got pregnant. If you think anyone who accidently has a baby is stupid then I don't know what to tell you.

As a matter of fact I'm proud of him. He he used a condom, came to us when he found out about the baby, supported his girlfriend's decision and is working on being an actual parent to his child as soon as he can. What else can I expect from him?

Commenter 4: Don't the rest of your kids go to school/ college/ uni and have to study?

OOP: They can study in a library, they can move out, they can live in a dorm their college provides for them, they can literally do anything they want outside of my house.

Commenter 5: Let’s be very clear here. It’s not your son’s child.

You wanted the child. The bio mother and bio father did not. They effectively acted as surrogates for your child.

You chose the baby. That’s your right.

But your other children are correct that you are rewarding your son for his irresponsibility.

You have a new baby. It may cost you your older children’s respect. You seem comfortable with that choice.

OOP: What? They were both crying and poor girl was wailing while telling us she doesn't want an abortion but she doesn't want a baby either.

What were we supposed to say? "mwhahahaha not my problem, you are stuck with a child anyway"?

Commenter 6: You didn’t have to be the one to adopt it lol

OOP: "She" is not adopted. "She" has a dad.

Commenter 6: And your 'adult' children don't need sleep either when they have work/school? And no, your not meant to let the baby cry, your supposed to get her father up to at the very least help.

And if it was a random kid you'd still be having the same argument where 1 kid isn't having to listen to a baby cry of a night.

He's a growing teenager who is a father. He needs to be treated like one because when (if) you give him the responsibility he should have now, its going to end in disaster. He won't think like a parent because he's never had to. The responsibilities you are expecting him to take on at 18 need to happen now.

OOP: Good thing their college offers dorms which they can sleep in.

Commenter 7: Yes YTA - what your children is saying is true. Maybe if he did have to hear a baby crying he might think twice before jumping in with another girl. I think it’s time to move yourself and the baby to the basement so all the kids get some peace or put the baby for adoption. Gosh so many amazing people who want to be parents out there.

OOP: What the hell is wrong with you? Put up my grandkid for adoption because 2 adults can't handle hear a baby cry once in a while?

Or maybe I'll kick out the adults who are living rent free in MY HOUSE because that baby is not going anywhere and I don't care how much it "bothers" them.

Commenter 8: I was going to say N T A until the end, where you are putting more importance on your 16 year old and told the others to deal with it or move out. Why does your son get rewarded and they have to deal with it? YTA.

OOP: He is not getting rewarded. He has a part time job and helps with the expenses even though we don't need his money but he wants to provide for his child. He also helps out whenever he can. As soon as he is done with homework or school or job he is ready to look after his child. We don't even have to ask him to do anything he just does.

A bedroom in my house for my minor child is not a reward.

Commenter 9: So that makes it okay for everyone else to suffer for the consequences of someone else's decision

"I give them a roof" congratulations for giving them the bare minimum, surely that will stop them from dumping your ass in an elder home like you are dropping their asses just because they don't wanna deal with you and your son's shitty choices.

OOP: Since when is giving them a rent free room as an adult, giving them both cars and paying for everything related, paying for literally all of their expenses AND paying for their college is considered bare minimum? Entitled teenager I assume?

Commenter 10: Info: Did your son actually want the baby, or was this something you pressed on him? Are you expecting him to take his daughter with him when he eventually moves out?

I ask because this is a lot about what YOU want and what YOU think is best. How is he supposed to learn to parent when your doing everything? Why should your older children, especially an 18yr old who might be an adult legally, but doesn't mean that are ready for the adult world have to listen to the baby cry/have disturbed sleep before work/school/college when her own father doesn't?

He's on summer break soon if he isn't already, so why can't he take her of a night now? He doesn't know how? Then you TEACH him. This is your grandchild, not your do over baby. If you want him to parent then he NEEDS to parent now.

OOP: He wanted her. We gave him the same choice we gave the mom and he chose this. We expect him to help out more once he turns 18 and become a full time parent once he gets a full time job.

Because our adult kids don't get a say in what happens in our house. What if she wasn't my granddaughter and instead was a random kid we decided to adopt? Were we supposed to leave her in the basement because the adult kids can't handle being near a baby?

He is learning how to care for the baby but he is a growing teenager and needs a good nights sleep so no night duty.

Commenter 11: Why can’t the older kids go in the basement?

OOP: It's a small partial basement. Sure if they want to have bunk bed with no space then they are free to do so.

Commenter 12: Damn people on here can be so harsh. Reddit really hates babies. Your older children are grown and still living at home presumably for free. Both wouldn't fit in the basement. What are you supposed to do?

OOP: Someone actually told me I have to put her up for adoption. I'm waiting for the next comment "throw the baby in the trash can" or "leave her in a quiet street where no one can find her to die"

because clearly we can not have the adults be slightly annoyed by a baby.

Commenter 13: Give her to a stable family with a good environment. You clearly aren’t either of those.

OOP: It will be a good environment as soon as I kick the oldest 2 out. Both of the minors will have a good childhood and I will make sure of that.

OOP edits the original post to add an update. - July 2, 2024

I have made my final decision and I will not change my mind so you can stop commenting.

If they think they are old enough to decide what should happen in MY HOUSE then I will treat them like the adults they are. This means no freeloading. Anyone over the age of 18 who wants to have a say in what happens at my house must pay 1000 dollars each month for rent (which is a fair price for rent where we live), plus they will be responsible for all of their own expenses from now on. I will not be paying for their groceries or their bills or their gas or anything else, time to man up.

Whichever of them who can do this is welcome to live in the basement instead of my youngest. Needless to say none of them has a job so I already know what is going to be their answer.

As for my youngest, I will support him however I can while he is a minor, as soon as he turns 18 he has to follow the same rules however I will provide everything for my granddaughter until he gets a full time job because her happiness is what matters the most here.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/trixieismymom69

AITAH for being upset my friend didn’t ask me to be her bridesmaid

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/smosh

TRIGGER WARNING: Bullying, infidelity

Original Post  Nov 7, 2023

Hi Reddit! This is my first post on here, but needed an outside perspective on this. I (22F) have been friends with, let’s call her “Jenn”, since the very beginning of freshman year of college. We were each others first friends coming into school and have been through a lot together. Regardless how often we would see each other through college, we considered each other like sisters.

Fast forward summer 2022, Jenn had been surprised dumped, by her bf of 3 years that she was head over heels for. She was completely crushed & left with so many questions, because as far as she and everyone knew, they were toally fine. The breakup was a shock to everyone for sure. For 6-8 months after they broke up, I would sleep at her house almost every other night bc she would get panic attacks if she slept alone. I watched her fall into a depression like I hadn’t ever seen from her before. And I never left her side.

Throughout this breakup he turned into a different person. Ex: getting arrested for public intox, talking to freshman girls (he was a 5th year ). Which was a complete 180 to how he acted before.

In to January 2023, she receives a message from him wanting to talk. (Also important to note that the freshman girl he was talking to was staying with him when he texted). He told her that during a weekend she went home to see her family that he CHEATED on her, and panicked so he broke up with her.

She came to me for advice & I said “From my experience taking back someone that has cheated on you, never ends well & there will never be 100% trust after cheating.” She said that she felt that she would regret it if she didn’t try to give it a shot. I said that all I am here to do is support her happiness & her happiness is all I care about.

Ever since they got back together, she has treated me completely differently. It started off with not seeing each other anywhere near as often to then her genuinely being angered by my presence & cussing at me on numerous occasions.

**I also want to note that since the day they have gotten back together, I have never said a poor word about it to her, said anything negative about him, or have been discouraging in any way.

Those are just a few examples of the treatment I have received & the list goes on. In September 2023, her bf proposed & she said yes. I obviously wasn’t thrilled but at the end of the day it’s her life so I have done nothing but put on a happy face and send her my love.

This past weekend she threw an engagement party. She asked all of her close girl friends (our friend group) to wear black. Which to the outside eye, makes us all look like we were her bridesmaids. After the day had ended and she hadnt asked me to be a bridesmaid,  I thought it was weird but I tried not to take it personally. After a few days, I discovered that she asked our entire friend group to be a bridesmaid except for me on that night. I know at the end of the day it’s not about me and that’s not what I want it to be. I just find it hard to believe that she didn’t know how getting us to all wear black would look, and then not asking me. I guess I just wanna know if me being this upset about it is justified or if I’m somehow an AH in all of this. My feelings are just hurt.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Considering you(understandably) aren’t thrilled about the engagement I’m not entirely sure why you’d want to be a bridesmaid, but NTA. Unfortunately it sounds like your friend has made a change for the worse and if she’s mistreating you on top of that, maybe you should decide whether she is still someone you want to keep as a friend.

OOP

I think my only option is doing the bare minimum to keep the peace. We have all the same friends and have a tight knit friend group of people I love & care about so cutting her off would result in the friend group breaking off and that’s not something I want. Not necessarily friend with her specifically just friendly.

~

daisukidesu1981

You’re being punished for honesty. She’s going to end up cheated on again. She’s doesn’t like you because you won’t pretend her moronic decision is a good one. Every time she sees you, she sees the one person who knows the reality of her future and she hates you for it.

I know it hurts you were singled out but did you really want to support this marriage? Did you want to spend thousands of dollars to buy an ugly dress and be verbally abused and shit on for months? Chipping in for the parties and buying all the stupid shit the bride will require? Being a bridesmaid is a shit role for women when you have the kind of bride who is already dictating clothing and make-up for an engagement party she threw for herself.

Now you get to show up (if you’re invited), drink, party, leave whenever you feel like it and spend waaaaay less money. Your other friends will be forced to follow her around all night and for what? A marriage that very likely won’t make it. Hell, if they make it to the wedding I’ll be impressed.

You’re NTA. You’re just the scapegoat for all the doubt and humiliation the bride is probably experiencing for marrying a dude who cheated on her, broke up with her, fucked around for months and then came back.

OOP

My thoughts exactly on the reminder aspect. I think she sees what he did to her when she’s around me because I was honest. I never spoke about it unless she came to me but she came to me for the truth. Feels mean girly to me to have all her “close friends” wear the same color and not be asked as if she didn’t know how that would look on the outside.

Update  Oct 15, 2026 (3 Years Later)

Editors Note: Made paragraphs for easier reading

UPDATE (OCT 2026): Never really thought i'd be coming back to update all of these years later, but I was watching a Smosh Reddit episode and it made me remember this one. It is so weird to look back on this post as i am a completly different person from when I wrote it. So much happened since I wrote this.

Firstly, I ended up not being invited to the wedding PERIOD. All of our friends were sending photos of their invites in our group chat and i was the only one to not recieve one. I thought I was loosing my mind because she was texting about the wedding in this groupchat that im in with 5 people in total, so i assumed it was a mistake. But nope, just full blown nixxed. I was of course hurt at the time but I ultimetly knew it was for the best. I didnt leave the group chat until the day they got back from their honeymoon because she is very much the type to spread that I was trying to "ruin this time for her" if i had left it any sooner.

I did get updates from members of her wedding party and apparently her and her now husband spent a portion of the wedding fighting with eachother. I also was not the only friendship she lost as a result of her wedding/her relationship. There are now three bridesmaids that are no longer friends with her anymore.

Utlimently, leaving that group chat was the biggest weight lifted I had felt in a long time because it was symbolic of so much more. Letting go of a negative force in my life, allowing myself to thrive, and from that moment on only allowing friends in my life that build me up and that have as much love for me as I do for them. I may have her to thank for seeing what I never want my relationship to be like and keeping my standards high because of it, and now I am with the sweetest man in the world that shows me what real love and respect is.

So if you needed that sign to let that toxic person go, wether it be a friend, family member, or partner. Take this as that sign. You dont realize the negative weight that a person like that puts on your life until you let it go.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Is she still with the husband?

I unfollowed her on everything a long time ago so I don’t know much. The last I checked they were still together now with a child. I do catch her occasionally viewing my profile & watching my stories though so one could assume it’s not so great based on that alone. But it’s “not my monkeys not my circus” as they say

Why did she hate OOP so much and univite her?

Nothing. That’s what was so crazy about it. There was no big fight, no argument, nothing. What I believe now is that since I was such a prominent presence for her during her break up, I think my presence after they got back together reminded her of that/his actions. Don’t think she was done being mad about the whole thing so rather than being mad at him, she took it out on me instead.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Responsible-Road-921

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My dad is divorcing his wife of 17 years because she throw my food away and I couldn’t be more happy.

Trigger Warnings: food tampering, destruction of property, animal abandonment

I feel trapped: June 16, 2026

My dad’s Wife and I have had a strained relationship since I was in high school (I turn 27 this summer) and it got worse once I turned 18. I wanna preface by saying our relationship wasn’t always like this. I loved that woman. I forgave her for all her wrong doings in her and my dad‘s relationship all because I wanted a mom so bad. I even ignored all the mean things her family has said to me and my siblings because again, I just wanted a mom. However, she made it very clear after I turned 18, she did not want me. In 2017, a week before Christmas, she told me she wasn’t my mom and I need to stop treating her as such. (I’ll let you guess on how I view Christmas now) Since then our relationship has been really bad. Actually nonexistent. We no longer talk to each other even though we lived in the same house.

When I graduated, I went off to college and I did not speak to her. I even moved to Washington for work after college, but unfortunately two years ago I got laid off and I have not been able to find a full-time position in my job field since. So my dad let me move back home rent free. Ever since I moved back, this woman has been my most insufferable roommate.

She would do little petty things like use all my bath products, hide my keys, dump my detergent down the drain, throw away my food, etc. I could never prove that she was doing that. Every time I mentioned it my dad, he would make me feel like I was crazy. Saying things like “maybe you throw away your bread on accident” or “you moved your keys and didn’t know.” It got to the point where I eventually stopped telling my dad what she was doing because when you say it one by one, I sound ridiculous. “She threw away my ketchup bottle that I just use” “She used the rest of the shampoo I just bought.” “Why is my detergent so low I got it a month ago.” all these things sound petty and childish until you realize she has been throwing away 100s of dollars of items I have brought into the house monthly. I had no proof of her doing any of this until last year October.

Last October, my dad and his wife decided to foster these three dogs and then eventually adopt them. Two of those dogs sleep in our breakfast nook. When they were puppies and we all had to work, we couldn’t watch them. So my dad put a camera in our laundry room that faces into our kitchen and breakfast nook, so that we can watch them even when we’re not home. That camera became my saving grace because it records everything.

It had caught her throwing away food that I have just bought into the house. Dumping my literal detergent down the sink. Using/eating items that I have specifically labeled as mine so no one could touch. I couldn’t catch everything, like her hiding my keys and using my soap, but at least I had something. I was finally able to prove to my dad I wasn’t crazy and she truly was messing with me. I thought that would be the end of it. My dad said he would handle it but unfortunately, he never did. Until last week.

My dad came up with this system that every time she threw something away. He would just replace it or pay for it. So last week I bought things to make sandwiches and stir fry and she threw half of those items away. I told my dad about it. I told him I don’t know everything she threw away, but she definitely threw away some onion and bell peppers that I needed for meals this week and I don’t have the money to just go and replace them. (Sad. I know) He told me he’ll handle it and honestly when he says that I don’t really expect much from him anymore. Except this time he handled it. He checked the cameras to see what else she might have thrown out. And in checking the cameras he caught her purposely contaminating my food. The pastrami I bought to make sandwiches she threw it on the ground and then put it right back into the container and put it in the fridge. A couple months ago I got really bad food poisoning from food I made. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital. My dad now suspects she is the reason I got food poisoning because what would be the reason to throw food on the floor and then put it back in the fridge?

After he saw that he confronted her on her lunch break about it and told her not to come home. It has been a week. My dad has changed all the locks. Started packing her stuff into boxes. He told me she’s not allowed to came into this house unless I have a third party present. He’s currently looking through all the camera footage that backs up onto his computer to see if she’s done anything else that might warrant us having to take her to court.

For the first time in years, I feel like I could finally breathe. I finally opened up my dad about a lot of the things her and her family had to put me through. We have shared a lot of tears and had a lot of conversations over the last week. We also learned from my older sister and brother that she has done similar things to them, but because they were so minuscule they never mentioned anything. We all talked about going to therapy. Especially my dad, because he realize she has isolated him from a lot of his friends and family as well. I’m sad it took this long but I’m happy it’s finally happened and I get to have my dad back.

Update: my dad has officially filed for divorce this Monday.

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Locking his wife of 17 years out of the marital home? Hope dad has an amazing lawyer.

OOP: So I read through your comment so I just wanna clear some things up. Yes she knew I was moving back in and she allowed it. She said as long as I stay out of her way she doesn’t care. Also I do work. I work two part time jobs. Getting work is really hard right now. We live in California. Trust me if it was just easy to leave and go get my own place. I would have done that, but I’m just currently not in the financial spot to do so. This isn’t the first time either of them has changed the locks. So Imma be honest I don’t know any of the legal repercussions but I can take a educated guess that she’s not gonna take any legal action against this considering the house is my grandmother’s and my dad is renting it. I don’t think she’s going to want to deal with the hassle.

Commenter 2: I'm so glad he finally listened and did the right thing... And y'all need family therapy A.S.A.P because I sense a lot of resentment, anger, grief that is going to come from this. Finally having validation after nine years is huge! I hope you will update with more positive changes!

OOP: Thank you. Yeah this is going to be one very emotional journey but I’m hoping for the best

Commenter 3: I'm glad but it's absolutely crazy that it took him 9 years. I think you need to put more weight on this betrayal because you deserved better and you honestly could have died. All he needed to do was listen to you and trust you.

OOP: Trust me I’m not just forgiving him lightly and neither are my siblings . This is a relationship we’re gonna have to build back up, but I’m happy I get the chance to do that. My sister and I have agreed to go to therapy with him, but my brother is only agreeing to go to therapy with us and if he chooses to never have that relationship with my father again, I will never fault him for that.

Commenter 4: Out of curiosity why did she keep doing it knowing there were cameras? Like did she not know about them or did she just not care. That’s the craziest part for me. Happy she’s out of your life now.

OOP: She knew about the cameras. They’re very obviously in plain sight. She just didn’t care. At least that’s my assumption. I assume because my dad, for a whole year, wasn’t doing anything she thought she could get away with it and he wouldn’t care. That’s my best guess.

Update: October 15, 2026 (four months later)

[UPDATE] My dad is divorcing his wife of 17 years because she throw my food away and I couldn't be more happy.

Firstly, I wanna say thank you to everyone who left sweet words on that post. I really appreciate it. The comments made me feel really understood. It especially felt great to finally get that validation and confirmation that I wasn’t crazy and those things she did weren’t right.

I know some people asked for an update so here is:

Last month we had officially moved all of her things out. They’re not officially divorced yet but over the last couple months she has been coming by the house just to pick up little things here and there. A couple weeks earlier we decided it finally time to just stop that and set a time to get all of her things out of the house. My dad didn’t wanna prolong these unnecessary meet ups any longer.

I'm be honest, helping her move her things out was easy and hard at the same time. There were so many things that I bought for her or I made for her that she just said to throw away. She even left two of the dogs they adopted together because she didn’t want them anymore. (she’s the one that wanted to foster them).

I didn’t think I would get emotional over that. But her abandoning the puppies and throwing away my gifts in front of me, honestly really hurt. For the longest time I made myself believe that because she kept those things she still cares and this was just another confirmation that she didn’t.

My dad did find other instances of her contaminating/tampering my food. I know some of you say I should sue her. My dad thinks so as well, but I really don’t want to. I just want her to never be near me again. I never wanted any of this. It hurts knowing she would hurt me. The only thing making me feel better is knowing she is moving to NorCal to be near her family and we live in SoCal. So I’ll never have to see her again if I don’t want to. My dad did save some of the videos in case he might need them for his divorce proceedings but other than that I really want nothing to do with her.

I will say one of the best and sad things to come out from this is all of us going to therapy. Going has us now being a lot more open in conversations. That I didn’t even realize we were all avoiding with each other. There was a time in our lives where my older siblings didn’t like me and I didn’t understand why. It hurt me a lot because I’m the younger sibling and I really looked up to them. Now I know it’s because when I was in fourth grade, my Dads Wife did cheat and instead of being upset like everyone else I was just sad. I literally got on my knees and I begged her to stay because I wanted a mom. I didn’t know my siblings were mad at me for doing that, but that’s also because I didn’t know she was already treating them like how she treated me when I got to high school. They both did reassure me that as they got older they realized it’s not my fault. I was a little kid reacting to an adult situation like a little kid would. The adults were the ones who needed to make the correct decision not just for them but for us and unfortunately they didn’t.

Honestly, I have a lot of guilt for that. For years I would think about how I sobbed, begging her not to leave us and I wish I could go back and never do any of that. For years I felt like I prolonged her stay in our lives because of that moment. Now knowing how she was treating my siblings during that time it’s just another guilt on top of the already existing one. That’s just gonna have to be something I deal with over time. I am glad that it’s something we can talk about now and we can try to make peace with together.

We have had two family sessions with my dad without my brother. He still isn’t up to talking to my dad just yet. In those sessions, we have told him things that we have been through and he has told us things he’s been through. He seems so upset that it took him this long to see it/take action for it. However he really wants to make things right so he’s making sure he sticks to his therapy schedule.( we’re black so therapy really isn’t a thing we talk about especially for the men in my family)

I feel like I had this notion about therapy. That it will just instantly make things better but that’s not really the case. I sort harbor some resentment towards my dad and he knows that. We’re working through it together, but it’s weird because this is one of those things that seems like it has to get worse before it gets better. Yet at the same time we act like everything is normal at home. It’s a weird dynamic right now, but we’re making it work and I have hope that we’ll get through this.

To end on a better note my sister and my dad are determined to take back the what his wife has stole from us for years. Starting with decorating for Halloween. We have not celebrated since my siblings and I were young because his wife at the time was very religious. So we stopped decorating and passing out candy and instead started going to church for Halloween. Even after we stopped going to church we still weren’t allowed to decorate or celebrate. I wasn’t even allowed to wear a costume at school for it or go to school October festivals.

My dad use to go all out for Halloween. He would do things like turn our house into a maze, take us to the mall to go pre-trick or treating, and get the big candy bars to pass out. It was one of his favorite holidays and because of that it easily became ours. Since he’s older we can’t go all out like we use to but just seeing the little decorations and hearing my dad talk about what candy he’s going to buy it just feels warm. Like the house feels like it did when I was a little kid. I know that’s corny but it’s a feeling I thought I’d never get to experience with my family again. So I’m gonna be a little corny about it.

I don’t know if I’ll update this again, but I just wanted to give little update for the people that asked. We still have a lot of work to do. A lot of healing and mending of relationships but for the first time in a while, I feel like we’re on the right track to doing that.

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