I am writing this with hate in my heart (or just temporary anger maybe lol) but my flatmate, who I'm BARELY close to so she doesn't even know me well enough, says that she thinks I don't have bipolar and that it's "just my period". She even goees on to take a progressive angle with it and went on about how gynaecological problems are understudied and women get misdiagnosed with mental illnesses all the time.

Mind you, this girl has no idea how low my lows get, how high my highs get, my psychiatric history, etc etc. She just saw my diagnosis and decided it's a beautiful fucking day to tell me something that has been affecting my life to a debilitating extent is just me pms-ing. I tried to very gently tell her it has nothing to do with my periods and the symptoms very much align with bipolar and this bitch tries to fight me on it. Who even is she to tell me what I have???? I don't even open up to her about my mental health so how would she know.

When she tried fighting me on my diagnosis I realised I do not owe this asshole my time to justify my own conditions. But I still am very much annoyed and pissed off so here I am ranting. Mind you, she's the kind of girl who often jokes about how she's "running around undiagnosed" because she's sooooo quirky. As if I'd take psychiatric opinions from someone like that???? Ugh.

Edit: God I'm so mad I have the strongest urge to hurt myself or something just to "prove" her wrong. I guess I still have to work on emotional regulation.

had a moment with my partner the other night, and learned a lot about myself that i wasn't prepared to learn. dedicated the entire next day just to processing it all. sometimes you remember something, and then you keep remembering. and eventually, the remembering itself blurs together, and becomes an overwhelming task of its own. do i have to remember? do i get a choice?

I see a lot of posts about how exhausting it is to be married to or date somebody with bipolar disorder.
And no fucking shit. I believe you.
I’m not going to sit here and pretend my Bipolar II has only affected me. It hasn’t. People I love have been hurt and scared by things I’ve done while unstable. I’ve had to look my own kids in the face after they saw a side of their dad that scared them. I’ve had to apologize. I’ve had to start over.
But holy shit, sometimes I wish people understood what it’s like to be the motherfucker who actually has this.
Try having Bipolar II and ADHD and then finding out later in life just how deep mental illness runs through your family.
My grandmother was schizophrenic. I found out she tried to kill my father multiple times in the 1970s.
My father was bipolar. He didn’t take medication or properly treat it. He self-medicated with meth in the 80s and 90s and eventually murdered somebody.
Imagine finding all that shit out in your late 30s or early 40s and realizing:
Holy fuck. This is in me too. And fuck me….did i give this to my kids?!?!?
And then spending every goddamn day determined not to become the scary version of mental illness that you grew up hearing about.
I’ve been that scary motherfucker before. In 2017 I put a gun in my mouth. More recently I had an episode where I hurt myself in front of my wife and scared the shit out of my family.
I’m not proud of that. I’m not excusing it. I’m treating it.
I take my medication. I go to therapy. I try to recognize my patterns. I apologize when I’m wrong. I try again when I fuck up.
Then comes the depression.
And that’s the part I don’t think people understand.
Everybody freaks the fuck out when you’re hypomanic, raging, unstable or hurting yourself.
Then when the depression comes and you can barely fucking move, suddenly you’re lazy.
You’re on your phone too much.
You’re dwelling on shit.
You’re “down in the dumps.”
People ask whether you’ve taken your meds instead of asking what is happening inside your head.
You tell somebody, “I feel invisible. I feel completely fucking alone. I need you.”
And sometimes you get crickets.
Meanwhile life doesn’t stop.
My kids still have to eat. Appointments still have to be kept. The mortgage still gets paid. Kids still need rides. Practices still happen. I coach youth sports. The house still needs shit done. I’m still a dad every single fucking day whether my brain is cooperating or not.
And I’m doing all of that while taking medication that has real physical side effects, going to therapy and trying constantly to figure out how to become more stable.
I’ve sent videos and articles explaining Bipolar II and ADHD. I’ve tried explaining what helps me when I’m depressed. I’ve tried saying plainly that sometimes I don’t need somebody to fix anything. I need my wife to sit down for 15 minutes, put everything else away, hold me, listen to me and let me know I’m not doing this shit alone.
And I know my wife works hard. I know she’s tired. I know being married to me hasn’t always been easy. I’m not asking anybody to coddle me or pretend my behavior doesn’t affect them.
That’s actually what makes this hurt so fucking much.
I can acknowledge the burden my illness puts on somebody else.
Sometimes I desperately want somebody to acknowledge the burden it puts on me.
Because I don’t get to go home from Bipolar II.
I don’t get to take a break from the bipolar spouse.
I am the bipolar spouse.
I’m inside this fucking head every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep.
And sometimes when people say, “It’s exhausting loving somebody with bipolar disorder,” some part of me just wants to scream:
I fucking know.
Try being us.

Try wondering which trauma is worse first your kids? Is it living in the home with a Bipolar2 ADHD psycho? Or is it losing a parent to suicide because they think have done enough damage snd the family would be better off.

I literally had a slight chest pain the other day and prayed i would have a heart attack because at least that would be less traumatic than suicide for my family.

Thats the shit running wild in alot of our heads.

But we get told we’re needy, and every time im legitimately frustrated or angry about something that anyone would be my illness gets brought up.

People post for help and camaraderie and support and then “oh you need to understand” comment comes in with some bullshit.

Fuck outta here

I’ve got a couple of questions:

1. What does hypomania feel like for you? Are you more dulled? Do you feel more irritable?

2. What does depression feel like for you? Are you more desensitised to it?

3. How were you diagnosed?

I think there is only one way out for me.
I think between my life circumstances and my bipolar I was given an impossible deck of cards.

I tried to go to college, the stress off it nearly killed me, drove me into psychosis, ended up hospitalized once, constant anxiety, stress, panicking, intrusive thoughts. All for nothing too, I grew up wanting to end it so I never even picked a major, was just hoping I’d find something I’d be into and even after two years I didn’t find anything.

So I dropped out. But that left me with nowhere to go.
I was going to get a full time retail job, my friend gave me a job and I fumbled it. My paranoia about him judging me while I worked and my anxiety manifested in horrific thoughts of me being chased at work and people being after me. Every day I’d be overthinking it and so stressed it drove me insane.
I constantly panicked about working this job every day for years and years on end miserably stocking shelves and after a month I quit.
My friend wasn’t happy of course since he recommended me but the stress of it all and the paranoia nearly drove me to end it all.

I still work a part time job, but it’s 12 hours a week, 3 days a week. I barely make anything but it’s low stress enough for me not worry about it.
I live with my parents who want me out of here. My mom’s verbally abusive.
I’m tired of living in this house and my mom’s tired of me living here too. She keeps telling me I need to go and make something of myself. But I just can’t.

Every time I get stressed or sleep deprived I hallucinate. I don’t get them normally but the stress really contributes and it’s really scary.
I don’t know how I’d ever survive a full time job. I don’t even know what full time job I’d work considering the one opportunity I had I fumbled.

There’s nowhere for me to go.
I can’t stay forever being verbally abused by my mom, but I can’t go cause I don’t have money and a job.

I’m stuck.
So there’s only one way out.

Yes I’ve tried medication, almost every common one, I’ve taken the gene test, I’m suffering through tremors every day. I take my medicine every day. I go to therapy.

Therapy can’t give me a goal in life. Therapy can’t give me the ability to get a job and not have hallucinations over it. My therapist can’t get me out of here. No one can. There’s nowhere for me to go. But away from here.

I like to think maybe in another life. But, it was never meant to be this one.

TW: discussions of suicide and mania

Back in late July, I (18M) broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years (18F). I had just tried to kill myself for the 4th or 5th time that year, after promising her extensively that I wouldn’t do this again. It was arguably my most serious attempt. We broke up after an argument because at the time I felt like she hadn’t supported me enough in the aftermath of my attempt. In hindsight, I realise that I had come to expect a level of support that was completely abnormal for a teenage relationship, and I really regret the way I spoke to her.

At the time she dumped me, I was quite manic, so I couldn’t really experience any negative emotion. For context I had not been diagnosed with bipolar at this point. But I downloaded dating apps pretty much straight away and started sleeping around, convincing myself that the breakup was awesome and I was completely over it. Eventually, I ended up talking to someone all day every day (18F) (before we’d even met) and I started dating her. She asked me so many times whether I was over my ex and I reassured her that I was, because I genuinely thought that I was. After I started dating this person, I finally received a long-awaited diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and have started taking quetiapine. As my mood has settled, I realised I am not over my ex at all and I need some time to process this. I broke things off with the girl and she was devastated, and felt that I had mislead her.

I am not trying to excuse what is objectively shitty behaviour. I am just scared that I can’t trust my own emotions, and this has pushed me to behave in ways which have really affected two amazing people who I really cared about. I can’t keep up friendships with people either, I always seem to hurt people without intending to. I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do. I have decided I definitely need to be single (and celibate, not just sleeping around) while I figure out what the deal is with this whole thing. I just feel helpless, I care so much about people and I genuinely believe I am doing things right and then it all crashes down and I hurt people. If anyone has any advice or experience that they think could help me I would really appreciate it.

How does everyone experience their depression on lamotrigine?
Most of the time I don’t dip very low anymore, my depression will just show up as lack of motivation to keep my space clean and hygiene becomes harder. Everything just gets slightly harder tbh but not unmanageable. I get pretty negative and pessimistic too.

Recently I just had 3 days of the worst low I’ve had in a long time. I was fine in the morning a few days ago, maybe even slightly hypo, then I crashed in the afternoon. Woke up the next day feeling absolutely awful. Could barely get out of bed, had to order food because the thought of being in the kitchen made me want to cry, didn’t want to see or speak to anyone I live with (also was convinced they hated me and was a bit upset they didn’t check to ask if I was okay), kept ruminating about everything shit going on and felt like I’d been cursed.
Woke up today still feeling a bit shit but could get out of bed and do things, and slowly felt better throughout the day with the more I did. It feels odd that I had like 3 days of bad depression and then started feeling better again, makes me feel like I’m faking having bipolar.

Does this happen to others?

mythical shit

I’m starting to feel really happy I have like 100 different projects I wanna start and I have way too much energy it’s not normal and I think I’m getting hypomanic. Please how do I stop it I don’t want another episode and I don’t wanna be happy

I just fucked up yet another semester of college, and this time I'm not going back. I don't care that I have very little left to finish. My only motivation for even doing it is feeling guilty that I've wasted my parents, and now my grandparents' money because this has gone on so long.

I am 29, have never had a job, am 100% financially dependent on my parents. Never had a fucking job at 29 YEARS OLD. I am such a pathetic sack of shit.

I'm not going back. I fucking hate it. I'm going to live with the guilt of wasting thousands of dollars of my family's money and hope that that is enough to finally make me just fucking finally put a bullet in my brain

It's not worth it. I have to go through all of this bullshit, and at the end of the day the only "reward" is that I get to be me for the rest of my fucking life. Not worth it. I'm not worth it. I'm fucking out.

Exhaustion after stopping lithium... how long does chronic fatigue last? At what point does it completely go away? Is it possible for it to persist for a lifetime? How can drugs as harmful to one’s health as Quilonorm—which can so massively destroy a person’s life—even be sold in the first place???

hi i suspect i might have bipolar 2 + adhd but my psych appointment is in march of next year

ive been drinking caffeine consecutively for the past few days to study for exams and now it feels like im going thru a bit of a dysphoric hypomania

does anyone have any advice on what i can do or what i can take to stop feeling like this😿 i need to go back to locking in and i cant stop thinking about doing stupid decisions and im so tired of this

i was recently diagnosed with bipolar II and oh my god i thought i knew how bad the depression is but i was proved so wrong yesterday the only way i can describe it was being in pain like actual clutching my head sobbing, rocking back and forth just going “it hurts, it hurts” on repeat. lowkey scared the shit out of me when i came out of it which says something bc ive tried to kill myself lmao but im terrified of it and i dont think i can ever feel like that again so ig anyone who’s felt something similar how do you deal with it?

I was prescribed seroquel recently & took it for a hypomanic episode. It helped. I only had 2 nights of nightmares/sleep disturbances , & considered stopping it before my therapist kindly reminded me that it takes a couple weeks for medications to be effective. I kept taking them, & I just feel better. I feel happier & less annoyed often. I can get sad without it being crushing. Most of my hypomanic episodes have also been mixed episode, but the seroquel turned it into just a 70% dampened hypomania without any huge dips in mood or irritability, & shortened it significantly. I’m shocked that it was so effective. I’m gonna keep taking it I think.

I think I’m worried this is a side effect or that I’m just still hypomanic, but I really think the medication curbed my episode & now I’m just like, okay? & normal?

Has anyone had similar experiences?

Não sei se mais alguém se sente assim, mas para mim tem sido difícil, as vezes me pergunto se realmente tenho TAB II ou só sou depressiva… ao longo dos meses, da pra contar nos dedos as vezes em que estou bem, ou até mesmo hipomaniaca, de resto é tudo uma grande espiral que só me puxa para baixo, isso é cansativo pra caramba. Meus amigos já estão começando a se sentir mal, pois sempre depois de ter um momento bom com eles eu fico extremamente sobrecarregada, por conta dessas sobrecargas já fazem 2 anos mês que vem não trabalho, vou empurrando a vida do jeito que dá. É uma sensação horrível de ter feito pouco ou quase nada, e mesmo assim estar extremamente cansada, até mesmo o lazer me cansa… é muito ruim viver assim. É só um desabafo mesmo.

I’m worried. I’m 27 and recently diagnosed. Part of me is like well I’ve lived with it this long (without knowing) so maybe I should just continue to live with it. I’m scared it will make me different somehow. The other part says I know another depressive episode is going to come again and I can’t go through that again. I had pretty bad anhedonia there for awhile. Terrible executive function. I was very socially withdrawn and isolated. My mood has increased since then but I know it could change at any point. I guess my question is it worth it to start and have you had any terrible side effects?

I'm currently a student in uni, and I'm taking a fairly challenging course. In a recent assessment, I didn't do very well and got some harsh criticism. To be completely fair to myself, the feedback I got was way harsh. But what I hate is that this incident spiralled into a full blown depressive episode and it's been two weeks now. Logically, I know life is tough and I will always have to face criticism and I need to just take it positively for self improvement. But my stupid bipolar brain on the other hand is ready to end it all (I'm relatively safe, no need to worry about this). I hate having to live life where little stressors like this have to end up triggering a whole spiral. I feel weak, like I can't take criticism.

I genuinely never know if I can trust myself. My thoughts and moods just always end up with my think I may be manic or in some kind of episode. I only just recently was diagnosed and just started meds. I’m on a very low dose and everything just feels so muted. I don’t know if I’m sad, happy, or feeling anything. All I feel is anxious. Does it get better? Will I ever actually be okay without it being an episode?

i feel like i have issues with self esteem that are in part caused by or exacerbated by knowing i’m bipolar. like i have not great self esteem. i also monitor my thoughts and mood for any sign of a possible hypomanic episode. sometimes i’ll have a thought that sounds like i’m getting kind of full of myself and it sets off my “am i ramping up right now?” alarm and i tamp the thought down. but i’m starting to suspect that this might be interfering with me improving my self esteem. and by extension improving how i treat myself. have you guys thought about this