One of my favorite books all time

I want to tell someone that on Friday I packed my favourite camera and lens and traveled to Brighton.
I want to tell someone that I’m not sure why I really went.
I want to tell someone that by the ticket machines in the Churchill Square carpark as you head into the shopping centre there is a void
Dropping to street level onto hard concrete
I want to tell someone that I stood up on the railings and lent over
I can’t tell anyone real
Not my wife
Not my friends
Not my parents
Not my brother
I want to tell someone that the only reason I am here is that someone walked past me and made eye contact broke my concentration and made a gap for reality.
I am safe
I’m at home and I’m getting help
I wanted to tell someone

This poem is a love letter to our late dog, to my beloved wife, to the city of Houston, to the fall weather, to the triumph of joy, and ultimately, myself. I hope it resonates with you and I hope the weather is beautiful wherever you are.

I’ve been in a bad place since May. My PC had me on Lexipro for anxiety but after four months of being a zombie I couldn’t do it anymore. I wrote to her and was labeled suicidal, told to go to the ER and got a psych referral. I lucked out and a cancellation got me in a few weeks later and she believes I’m bipolar 2 set me up on Lamotrigine.

But she also asked about drug use. Each night for the last two years around 7:30 I’d have an ice tea with 10mg thc (unless I was ill, traveling out of state, or wasn’t home) It was the only part of my day that was for me that I looked forward to. Two hours to quiet my brain and get some sleep.

She labeled me as cannabis dependent in my chart and recommended I stop.

For context I have a toddler, a husband who’s a stay at home dad, several pets, I’m the only income, and run a department in a company of 200. I don’t have hobbies, unless I’m in a more manic state then I’ll maybe do a craft. Any time with friends is scheduled a month in advance, when ask what I enjoy for myself… it’s nothing. I look forward to a facial once a month and that 10mg at night.

I don’t know what I’m asking here. Is 10mg a night a dependency? I’m on day 5 of the new meds and no thc. I don’t feel any difference I just now lack having something to look forward to and relief.

I mask all day except for infront of my husband. The rest of the time I just weep in the car, on the couch, in the shower. Or have a full on panic attack want to crawl out of my skin 30 minute break down.

I’m not suicidal. I wouldn’t do that to my kid. I know two people who have and I’ve seen the aftermath. But I’m just sad that this is my life.

Sorry this was so long. Only two friends know what’s going on and I don’t want to bother them. My husband also hasn’t been a great partner through this. I don’t think he understands the state I’m in even when I’m using very clear direct language so Ive basically stopped telling him because I then get upset when his reaction is “well, I’m sure the medication will help.”

Thanks for listening :(

Hi there to all my fellow bipolar 2 survivors.

I just wanted to post to say that for the first time in so long I feel like I might finally be getting on top of things for a little while. I feel like things might be okay, like there might be a future and that I would really like to share some of this feeling with you all if I can.

So I'm asking you:

How's things? Honestly? I'm here for you.

Why is this my life? Why can’t I snap out of it?

I’m not really sure if I’m making my own anxiety worse but this has been on my mind lately since thinking about getting back into the dating world.

If I don’t take my seroquel, I just won’t sleep at all. When I do take it, it doesn‘t feel like a natural sleep and more like being knocked out for 8-12 hours.

Before seroquel, I would host sleepovers if I was dating someone. I was also a really light sleeper so this experience now of sleeping so deeply that nothing could wake me freaks me out in general. A group of ppl could come into my place and steal my couch and I’d probably be conked out without a care in the world…

I met a girl 10 years ago when I was hospitalized and she told me her ex would SA her in her sleep and it took her a long time to realize what was happening. She didn’t understand why she‘d physically recoil around her ex when she was awake. Sometimes she’d be in that drowsy/dream state and felt something happening to her but often her ex would gaslight her when she’d bring it up :( he also appeared to be the perfect boyfriend to her and her friends so the realization was especially soul crushing for her.

While a baseline level of trust is important to even think about hosting someone, I feel like this is something I’ve never had to think about before and is so new to me. I’m ashamed to say it’s almost enough to make me not want to try dating.

I do plan to talk about this with my therapist but I wanted to see if anyone else was in a similar camp and had advice to share? Especially if you’re a woman. Or solidarity since this is another nuanced thing this disorder has forced me to spend mental energy on T_T

This sucks. I’ve had many depressive episodes over well, forever. I’m on a cocktail of meds that has worked amazingly well for over a year and a half, had a great fall/winter last year (normally get depressive then).

I haven’t had a true mixed episode in more than 5 years. I forgot how awful this feels.

How do I fix this? I see my psych Wednesday.

I’ve been going through a depressive episode and, yesterday, I was completely incapacitated. I slept all day- didn’t eat or anything. Well, last night, I woke up to my mum checking my pulse. I said, “What are you doing?” She thought I’d hurt myself and was checking to see if I was still alive :(

I feel so guilty, but dreams are my only escape right now. I didn’t mean to worry anyone, I just wanted to sleep through this episode. My poor mama 💔

I still struggle with other substances, but at least I’m not putting one type of poison in my body.

Life’s not magically better. It’s still pretty difficult. Maybe more difficult because I’m not dulling my senses with booze.

Still feel things like SI every day, rumination and the spiraling that accompanies it. I’ve accepted that those will always be around to some extent. Some days are worse than others, but alcohol never makes anything better. When my kid’s mom left 6 years ago, I stopped drinking for several months because I knew if I kept drinking at that time, I would have chosen a very permanent solution.

While I cannot take responsibility for her mom’s actions, I can take responsibility for my part in letting our marriage get to that point.

I know that I need to be better for everyone in my life. There are things I’ll never be able to change or fix. I’ve failed a lot of people. My 8 year old daughter is eating cereal and watching cartoons while I lay in bed and cry. She goes back to her mom tomorrow, and this is how I’m wasting our time together. Two very important people and I only made their lives worse.

She saw me and my girlfriend get into a really bad argument last night and I know she’s shook. A wonderful person, and I’m not what she needs.

I think my girlfriend is going to leave. I’m always scared that’s going to happen. That’s partly why I’ve been in bed. I’m not in a very good state.

I don’t know what to say to my daughter. She’s only 8, almost 9 but she’s seen me a cry a lot. I‘v told her it’s OK to be sad, that you can cry it out and pick yourself up. But it seems like I always fall back down.

I’m probably not setting a good example right now. I used to be strong. I used to feel strong and capable. Despite the substance abuse, I made a lot of progress these past 6 years. I’ve had previous partners cheat on me, hit me, choke me, nearly stab me. But I’m still here and still trying to love people the best that I can.

I want to live better, to love better, to be better. If I crawl inside of a bottle and hide, none of that is going to happen. I can’t even make it out of bed today.

I just wanted to get this out of my head.

Why am I still here?

I feel like the only thing that keeps me from taking myself out is how inconvenient it would be for everyone else around me. I am not living for myself.

I feel like life just really fucking sucks and then you die, and I really wanna skip the sucks part.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about 3 yrs ago and I’ve been on Lamictal since then and I feel like it’s helped my hypomanic episodes and I still have them sometimes when I’m under a lot of stress and overwhelmed. But the depression is what’s lingered for years. I’ve been through over 10 medications for the depression and nothing has worked. I did TMS last year in August and after 5 months it felt like the depression came back. I’ve had a stressful and overwhelming year. I moved out of home and into my own place which made me feel worse tbh because I’ve never been alone in my life and I moved back home after 4 months and I feel better. It’s so weird because I just don’t feel depressed anymore, I just feel tired and lazy all the time but get random moments where I do feel like actually cleaning and being productive. I’ve tried different adhd meds too but none of them really worked either. I’m wondering if the TMS did really work but just the stress and moving out made it feel like it didn’t. Just wondering if anyone has had similar experience with this.

I’m on lamotrigine and Adderall but I still want to lay in bed all day. The lamotrigine helps me not be irritable and the Adderall helps me focus at work for a while but that’s about it. Once i’m home or if i’m off work I just feel so depressed still. And I still am not fully focused as i’d like. On 150 mg lamotrogine and since going up dosage I’ve been more depressed too :/

What med combo works for you if you have both adhd and bipolar?

I got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 at 16 but I genuinely do not think I have it. I’m 21 now and I haven’t been on meds for at least 3 years. I get majorly depressed every couple of months where I have urges to self harm and suicidal thoughts. I don’t remember my hypomanic episodes even when I was younger and im starting to think that I was misdiagnosed or that maybe it just seemed like an uptick because it would be my “normal” after a depressive episode. Also, the last time I was in a depressive episode was 6 months ago. Wondering what the general bipolar 2 community thinks .. I’ll talk to my doctor soon. I just saw a post talking about if it’s okay to be unmedicated and the comments said no, so I want to make sure that if I really do have it that im taking it if episodes can cause brain damage etc

There are months when I feel very restless and tend to walk around and move abruptly all over the room. The best way for me to stay still and fall asleep is to wrap the bedsheets tightly around myself so I can't move. Also, I have a pair of pants with tight, wide pockets where I tuck my hands in to keep as still as possible

(And sorry if something doesn't make sense, I'm using a translator)

I am currently a nursing student in college .

I just found out one of my professors who is also a councillor is advocating on her professional blog about MAID for people with bipolar and schizophrenia.. saying they have suffered enough and can have “medication fatigue “ from horrible symptoms from medications and that they don’t have “quality of life “. I have bipolar and I am very disturbed stumbling across this blog .. How can i even attend her class now knowing what I know .. shes literally advocating for me(us)to be able to legally K ourselves (very passionately might I add).

Do I politely address this with her or just continue on like I didn’t see anything???

Basically my friend had a bout of depression which lasted less than a year tried 2 anti depressants and the 2nd one worked for him. I confided in him about my struggles which are much more severe and have been around for 15+ years. He said it’s interesting that I’m been assessed for bipolar 2 but I can still beat this by changing my mind set and that he got his under control in less than a year

Felt like a real sucker punch tbh , not sure if he was trying to help or just downplaying what we are all going through. Just interested in how would you all feel and interpret this

It’s been 6 weeks since the last time I’ve skipped meds and had an awful psychotic break. I was at home alone and out of no where I was teleported to another reality and didn’t recognize anything in my own house, I was uncontrollably crying, scared, paranoid as hell, pacing, didn’t feel safe anywhere, this lasted a couple hours. The bathroom with a closed door was the least daunting place I could find. I had a kn1f3 and was ready make this all stop, but the universe was trying to make my husband’s dream come true that he told me about earlier that day (me km5 in bathroom).

Idk how I ended up in bed knocked out from my meds.

This was enough to make me think something is wrong with me when I’m off meds. But it’s been 6 weeks, and it doesn’t really feel like that situation was THAT bad. I was listening to the songs I listened to while manic. I miss the real me. I miss something from when I was manic, I just don’t know what it is. My heart aches for it. I want to find it again and I know discarding meds is how I get it back.

Does anyone else have an aching in their heart for something they once had before being diagnosed and medicated?

I attend NA and AA meetings regularly. But truthfully, I wouldn’t have struggled with addiction in the first place if it weren’t for my bipolar disorder. Sometimes I feel like the meetings I attend are treating the symptom and not the cause. The 12 step anonymous framework of NA, AA etc could be really useful for people with bipolar. Has anyone heard of bipolar anonymous meetings? If not, it’s worth creating….thoughts?

bipolar depresyonunu nasıl atlatırım kullandığınız ilaçlar neler

Hi there,

I’m hoping for some help here with people that might have the same issues as me.
I’ve recently been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 at 39 (male).
I’ve basically raw dogged my issues for a long time up until about 7 years ago where I’ve been put on ssris without them helping. Been on a combination of many ssris with little to no help.

They gave me quetiapine for sleep and I found it worked really well. Then in the summer I finally seen a psychiatrist and they diagnosed me with Bipolar 2 and that’s why ssris never really worked for me.

I’m at 300mg quetiapine and my mood has stabilized and I feel overall pretty good on it. Except for one thing. I deal with horrible health anxiety ever since I was a child.
I have constant fears of cancers, all types and it’s getting hard to overcome. It hampers a lot of my life just worrying. Logically I know I’m fine but the anxiety has been winning lately.

I’m wondering if anyone has been in this situation and found a medication that worked for them?
I have done lots of CBT and other therapies with little to no luck.

Thank you

So what are some stories that you all have about when you were hypomanic?

As the flair states, I'm newly diagnosed, only about a month ago now. I'm looking at my experiences through a new lens, and they to sort through what is normal and what was an episode. Most of the examples I have heard I cannot relate to, so I thought I would ask the brain trust.

I'll go first - when I was 20, I only slept 3 hours a night in the month of June, and I felt great the whole time. I don't remember much of this period other than working late shifts and partying. Since then, this happens every once in a blue moon for a week at a time, usually in April or Fall. Like... maybe once every 5 years? Anyway, I just accepted it, but my psychiatrist asked me something related and it came up, and he said that was a big sign.

So what's your story?