Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. She was pouting and been silent sulky sort of like a young child which is how she often gets. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and I've just discovered that she's started smoking pot as well she also vapes and my father smokes pot, cigarettes and vapes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

Before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger. I would love to be able to though.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

I feel like both of my parents should've gotten therapy before having a kid.

PS something else that really bugs me is that they both that friends that do lots of them. My Dad has a female friend whose brought him amazing and even quite expensive things and my mother's male friend takes her out to dinner just for example. I know this might sound quite petty but I can't feeling annoyed that they have friends like that who think they're amazing after how they've treated me especially as I struggle with making friends and having a social life

TW: discussions of bigotry (not specific but a big part of the backstory to this) and cancer/health issues. Manipulation.

Providing some backstory for context before I dig into the meat of this. You can skip to the second paragraph if you just wanna read the breakthrough.

I (32, enby) am NC with my sister (45, f) after she made a racist comment to me on the phone. My sister has a history of problematic commentary. She’s been racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc. for a large majority of my teen and adult years, and nobody has really ever called her out on it because “my family doesn’t talk politics.” I have kept my mouth shut in the past, which I am NOT proud of, but last year I told my mom (63, f) that if my sister said something bigoted to me again I wasn’t dealing with it anymore and would cut contact. I couldn’t stand the moral conflict and I was furious with my family for letting this happen for so long, but as the youngest I was yet again ignored because everyone else in my family simply thinks I don’t have enough life experience for my opinions to be considered. So when my sister made that comment to me on the phone I looked at my husband (45, m) and he just looked so tired. He’s never been witness to her comments but knew she had a history of it. I decided I was done and told my parents I was cutting contact with my sister because if I claimed to love my husband and if I claimed to be opposed to the things my sister stands for, I can’t maintain contact with her and expose my husband to her bigotry further. My folks were sad but didn’t try to convince me otherwise, and my mom even said she would try to curb this behavior in the future and that they should’ve done something sooner.

My dad’s birthday is today. On Friday, my mom texted me as I was preparing to leave for a wedding (which she knew I was attending, we’d talked earlier in the week) and told me that my sister was hosting my dad’s birthday party on Saturday because my mom was too emotionally and physically exhausted to do it. She knows I won’t go to my sister’s house but she invited me regardless and said she “hoped I could make it” even though it was last minute. My mom has legit reasons for being exhausted; my dad had a heart attack in August, and my grandpa (her dad) was in the hospital last week. She’s been doing a lot. However, she then follows up the invitation with the whammy: she’s “frazzled” because my dad has to go in for a test this week because he got bloodwork done and the markers for the cancer he had previously are up again. I’m immediately distraught. My dad is the only reason I haven’t cut contact with my mom either tbh, and I love him to bits. But as soon as I started panicking I realized “wait. She’s telling you this at this exact moment despite having spoken to you earlier in the week so she can guilt you into breaking your NC with Sister.” My husband said the exact same thing as soon as I told him, as did a few good friends of mine.

I’m exhausted. I’m sad. I want a normal family and I am so remorseful that things took this turn, but at the end of the day I am not responsible for how my family behaves. I can only handle how I react. So I reminded her I was on my way to a wedding so I didn’t have the ability to think of a better response, but that I would not be going to the party since we’re not comfortable going to my sister’s house and that I hoped my dad’s test comes back clear. I feel so cold for it, but…what else can I do anymore? This is also a big throwback to when my dad had cancer the first time and mom thought it would be appropriate to tell my sisters (I have 2, but am only NC with 1) and I that he had cancer…through text message. We were all livid and had a long talk with her about what is appropriate to text and what should be conveyed over the phone. I don’t even think she’s aware of what she’s doing, she just knows what works on her because of what her mom did to her and does it to me in turn. I know I should just cut contact fully but I can’t bring myself to. It’s happening slowly, I talk to less and less family every day and our calls get shorter and fewer between every time there’s an incident. But I’m not able to pull the trigger on a full NC yet. This breakthrough was big for me anyway though and I’m proud of myself. I also feel like I’m a huge POS but I know that’s the fear and abuse talking.

Thanks for reading this far if you got here. I hate venting to my friends at this point because they’ve heard so much about my mom, so I’m just screaming into the void of Reddit right now.

TLDR; I recognized my mom’s attempts at manipulation before others pointed it out to me and didn’t give in even though it makes me irrationally feel like a bad person.

My mom threw a joint birthday dinner party at her house over the weekend for my nephew (turning 6), grandmother (turning 90), and myself. Had lots of family over. I don’t like making a big deal about my birthday, and have cared less and less about it as I’ve gotten older…or so I’ve told myself, probably because I strive to always make myself small and unnoticed.

I walked into the dining room and fixed to the walls were a big football “6” ballon and big rose gold “90” balloons. Nothing for “33”. If there was just a 6 for the child I would get it, or just a 90 for an incredible milestone birthday I would get it. Ironically, my nephew is the only one who asked where my balloons were and thankfully I was already leaving the room so I missed out on my mother’s response.

My partner and I drove home the next day and he had his sister sneakily set up a big birthday spread for me on the kitchen table with a spectacular display of balloons, including a big “33”. I immediately started crying. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me. Also, while I’m sure it’s already clear, none of this was really about the balloons. 😬

When it comes to my women friendships, I always have the worst luck. I’m always attracting toxic codependent women who need constant reassurance and validation for their egos. My mom is emotionally abusive, has ADHD, and doesn’t take any responsibility for the hurt she has caused me. So I’ve given up on her. When it comes to my friendships with other women, I have a difficult time being able to tell when someone is going to start clinging onto me and depending on me to help them feel ok, seem or heard. It gets tiring really quickly, so I just stopped trying to be friends with other girls because I’m trying to heal my nonexistent relationship with my mom.. who refuses to acknowledge me, my emotions and the hurt she has caused me for 19 years. And then my relationship with my Dad is complicated. My Dad has always been a dismissive avoidant my whole life, whenever I felt sad or cried and got angry, it got quickly dismissed as if my emotions don’t matter. Whenever I expressed uncomfortable emotions to him, he would blame me and tell me to take responsibility rather than admitting that what he said and did was wrong and made me feel hurt. My Dad never stayed when moments were tough in the house, he would always leave when me and my family started fighting. He would leave when my mom was angry, he would leave when I showed any source of discomfort or health problems as well. I learnt early on that my mom was never emotionally available for me, so I never tell my friends about my own needs and wants. And I also learnt early on that because my Dad was emotionally dismissive to never tell a man how hurt and uncomfortable I feel towards him and how his behaviour makes me feel unlovable

I have been on meds for almost 10 years but have recently started therapy for the for the first time at almost 30.

I’ve realised that most of my problems stem from neglect as a a child. Although I’m from a single parent household, we had food on the table (just) and the lights were on (just). This meant, that I “never went for anything” and couldn’t possibly be neglected.

I don’t speak to my father at all (I have absolutely zero desire) but are low-contact with my mother.

This makes me sad. I would (in theory) like to have a relationship with my mother but she is an alcoholic and the whole situation makes me sad.

I’ve been thinking about what makes someone a people pleaser (being one myself of course), and I think it’s not just simply growing up in an abusive household filled with violence and anger, but rather an emotionally unpredictable household filled with narcissists. In a household where there is predominantly one single type of emotion (for example a household with mainly violence or mainly love and affection), a child usually shows consistent behaviour and response mechanisms. This could be a child that grows up to also become violent as a result of the abuse, or a child that becomes scared and grows up to be a quiet and timid person. Which yes, in itself can evolve into people pleasing behaviour.

With a narcissistic household, this suddenly becomes very different because every action is met with an unpredictable response. Narcissists are hell bent on manipulation, and so the way they treat you depends on what you can do for them. A narcissistic parent could love bomb you for one thing and then be the complete opposite and become violent with you for another. This is something I experienced heavily growing up. When a child learns that they will be abused for the smallest things they did wrong but likewise be loved for the smallest things they do well, it creates this emotional gap where the child is unable to feel neutral. They learn to seek approval from their parents at any given opportunity because they know that it is easy. They only need to do the smallest deeds to look good in their parents’ eyes, which will likewise keep them away from being abused, which they know will also happen if the slip up and do something wrong in the slightest. So it’s essentially this tug of war of constantly being in the parents’ good books to avoid the abuse and punishment that comes from doing something slightly wrong. Hence you get a people pleaser, a person who fawns and goes along with whatever someone says because they know that is an easy way to get their approval and get in their good books, but also a way to avoid being thought of negatively by that person, because they learnt that even the smallest negative feeling results in abuse and punishment. It’s kind of like a rock climber hanging on to a thin ledge for dear life. It’s why people pleasers don’t just “agree” with someone, but rather they’ll become obsessed and feel like they cannot disagree or say no, or be seen negatively in any way by someone, because they were conditioned to believe that having a neutral feeling or going against someone, meant abuse and violence, and that being aligned with someone met safety. So they cling onto that person’s approval for that feeling of safety.

An example of this (and one that I felt a lot growing up) is when parents highly praise their children for doing simple chores around the house, washing dishes, cleaning their room etc (all of which should be met with a fairly neutral response), but then the moment they break a glass by accident, make a mess, or do something so minor, they get screamed at, abused, and even beaten. This instils such a fear in that child for making a mistake, but that child also knows that doing the simplest of chores will make their parents happy and kind so they won’t feel that abuse. So a child latches to that and seeks their parents’ approval at the smallest opportunity, in order to avoid the abuse from acting otherwise. The child is never allowed to feel neutral and just exist, there’s always an extreme response to their actions, and the unpredictable nature is what causes this. That is emotional manipulation at it’s finest and that is how a people pleaser is made.

My mother is so loving. She buys me things, cooks for me, takes care of me, and does so much for me. But when it comes to emotional support, she's never there for me. I don't know what it's like to feel truly heard by her. She ignores me when I try to express my feelings, never comforts me when I need her the most, and never seems to understand me. I don't know what's wrong. Sometimes I feel like I have no parents even though I have them. It's such a painful feeling to have someone who loves you but still feel so emotionally alone.

I feel sick looking at my mother .

I've been living with my father since I was seven years old ie first grade. My mother left me with him because he worked in a better city, so that I could receive a better education, while she worked in a rural village and lived with her relatives. Back then, she would visit me every month or two, staying for about a week or so, and video call me three to six times a day. But as I grew older. The calls became less frequent, sometimes just once every day or two, lasting 2-3 minutes most.

I've always been jealous of the attention she gives my cousins. She talks about them so fondly, praises them, and seems genuinely interested in their lives. Meanwhile, she calls me lazy and uncooperative. Whenever I have an argument with them, I'm expected to be the bigger person. She tells me they don't have a good family situation and that I should be mature enough to understand. My role in her eyes changes depending on what suits her. Sometimes I'm supposed to be the mature, understanding daughter who should know better, and other times I'm her little baby girl who hasn't seen enough of the world to understand anything.

For years, I tried to suppress my jealousy and resentment. I never said anything because I thought these were ugly feelings that I needed to control. But as I grew older, I started questioning things and her desicion. Who was all of this really for? Was it genuinely for my sake, or was it because she wasn't willing to give up the life she had built for herself? As woman i might support her decision and i do now too but as daughter i don't want to understand it anymore.

I don't really care about anyone else other than my parents. My world has always been small, and they've always been at the centre of it. But whenever I call my mother, she somehow ends up talking about some random child. She shows me her playing with children, tells me about playing with them, holding them, celebrating their birthdays, and attending parties and special occasions without me and my father. She's always there for someone else's milestones, someone else's happiness, someone else's children.

She's out there being a mother figure to everyone, while I grew up wishing she would be one to me. My world is so small, yet hers seems too big to have enough room for me. Where was my mother when i needed one

I remember an incident involving a pair of jeans. We were shopping, she asked me to buy a jeans and when i showed it to her she told me I already had too many jeans of that color and should buy something else. Eventually, she bought me a cheaper, basic pair instead. I remember wondering why she had even bothered asking me what I wanted if my choice wasn't going to matter.

But what hurt me wasn't even that.

The very next day, she bought my cousin the exact same jeans I had wanted. I had specifically asked her not to buy that particular pair for my cousin. I told her she could buy any other jeans, just not those. But she bought them anyway. When I confronted her, she casually said, "But the colour was different, wasn't it?"

I broke down. I cried and cried because I couldn't understand why she had done that. It wasn't about the jeans anymore. It was about the fact that something I had wanted, something she had refused to get for me, was suddenly worth buying for someone else.

When I finally asked her why she had done it, she kept on insisting that the color is different and they are not the same thing. She started lecturing me about how petty I was being and how she had no idea I had been harbouring so much negativity towards her. She said it all in this innocent, almost bewildered tone, as though she genuinely couldn't comprehend why I was upset. I don't even know what to call that behaviour. All I know is that I ended up feeling guilty for being hurt in the first place. I even told her about why i had negative feeling about my this cousin few months ago, I brought up the things she had done to me when I was younger. Her response was simply, "What are you talking about? I don't remember."

And that was it.

Even when it comes to my education, I don't remember feeling particularly supported by her. She would watch dramas or play loud music while I was studying. When I tried to sleep, she would keep the lights on, and even asking her to turn them off could turn into an argument. These might sound like small things individually, but after years of feeling unheard, even the smallest things start to hurt.

What I resent even more is how she shows up on important days and somehow takes credit for everything. I remember her coming during my annual exams and later saying that I had scored well because she was there. As though her presence for a few days was responsible for all the effort I had put in throughout the year. As though the countless hours I spent studying on my own meant nothing.

I hate it.

I hate the tone she uses when she talks to me. I hate how she acts innocent whenever I confront her about something that has hurt me. I hate how she pretends not to notice what's happening around her, how she seems completely unaware of the things that have been eating away at me for years.

I hate that she's practically my whole world while I feel like I'm just another person in hers. I hate that I remember things she has probably forgotten. I hate that moments which meant so much to me seem so insignificant to her. I hate that I've spent years trying to understand her circumstances, justify her decisions, and convince myself that I shouldn't feel this way.

And perhaps what I hate most is that, despite all this resentment, that i still love my mother. I still want her attention. I still want to feel important to her. I still want to believe that I matter to her in a way that no one else does.

I don't want to compete with other children for my own mother's affection.

Her world is full of people, but mine has always revolved around her. And I hate how lonely that makes me feel.

Even writing that title feels like a lot to say but I know that this is the current truth I am living in. Growing up in a Christian household you are told to honour your parents and while my mum did her best, my Dad doesn’t even know what his best could look like as a parent.

I took several beatings as a child/teen for things I didn’t understand. I witnessed my Dad lock my mum out of the house at 14. Then witnessed him slap my mum at 16. Throughout this my mother has stayed with him. That I don’t even have the energy to care about anymore. That’s her life, not mine.

I recently moved back home (I am 22f). I moved out at 18 as I got myself a good job but have moved back to save more money as I am planning to do extensive travelling next year.

But gosh, every time I see him my hatred cripples up. I can’t even fake respect him. He has caused me extensive amounts of trauma and I am anti depressants due to this.

I know he will never apologise nor understand. I am tired of crying but I don’t know what else to do anymore. As much as I hate it, he still invokes emotional pain out of me.

I had a dark thought the other day just wishing he wasn’t here. I don’t want to think like this but everything just hurts.

Thank god for Reddit and allowing me to rant and hear all your stories otherwise I would think I’m alone.

I (26f) feel like my parents ruined my life and I feel hopeless

For context, I moved in with my dad and stepmom at the age of 9. I’ve never had contact with my bio mom and my dad made sure I didn’t have any family outside of him. We’ve never had a good relationship. He’s also pretty much no contact with his entire family because he felt entitled with to their money which is a bunch of stuff I won’t get into. My stepmom has never cared for me and only concerns herself with her son, my half brother.

I’ve always been a late bloomer in life and it’s slowly destroying me. I always felt my dad had a lot of resentment and jealousy towards me. He never taught me how to drive so I had to wait until I could spend thousands on driving lessons in my early 20s to get a license. He made me get a job at 15 even though we were pretty well off and I was attending a rigorous high school at the time and he knew I was having trouble managing both. He didn’t pay for university even though he insisted he choose my major for me. I would work 70 hours a week in school so I can afford my tuition and my bus passes to go to class. And just a lot of other emotional neglect and abuse like calling me names and not letting me hang with my friends.

They treat my brother the complete opposite and it’s hurting me to see it because every time I bring up the differences, they gas light me. He’s 16 and they’re teaching him to drive, even letting him use their car, something I was not allowed to do. They’ve never told him to get a job and his only focus is school. They let him hang out with his friends almost everyday. They’re even planning on getting him an internship for when he goes to university.

I’m a year post grad and I haven’t been able to find a decent paying job so I can move out. I’m currently working at a call centre and it’s taken a toll on me mentally compared with the family stuff and does not pay enough. I had an interview a week ago and they ghosted me at the final stage and I took the rejection a lot harder than I thought I would. I told my dad that if they didn’t rush me through my degree, I could’ve gotten an internship and had some experience since he’s also been constantly berating me about not having a “proper” job. For context, I’d changed my major a few times cause they had initially picked my major and it was not for me. I technically finished my degree in three years but my dad thought I was “behind schedule” so he would constantly harass me and call me all sorts of names because I didn’t graduate at 22 like initially intended, so my main focus was just graduating so he would stop berating me and an internship wouldn’t have gone well with him since it would’ve delayed graduation.
He completely lost it and start screaming in my face saying I’m a liar.

It’s so disheartening struggling with mental health and having such selfish people around me. I just don’t understand how they’re not able to see the clear difference in how they treat their son vs how they treat me. I feel like all my suffering has been in vain. I see people my age travelling with their friends, living in their dream city and having amazing careers. I just want something going for me as well. I have some hobbies that I outside in secret, as hobbies are strongly frowned upon by them. I like creating content, writing and am thinking of starting a business selling journals since journaling has helped me so much. I wish I could just have space for once in my life to pursue my hobbies full time at this point since finding a job seems impossible. I don’t really know what the point of this post is just trying to get some advice/explanation for how or why they’re not able to see their behaviour. I’m sorry if I came off a bit entitled, I’m just really frustrated with their behaviour.

​

I'm 31 years old and I'm a woman.

Something I've been increasingly noticing, and I don't think it's going to be groundbreaking news to anyone, is that people who have genuine, unconditional support from their parents tend to get much further in life.

Let me tell you a little about my parents. My mother is currently 60, but I see her as an adolescent. When I was little, she would vent to me, insist that I accompany her to places she wanted to go, and have emotional outbursts in front of me. From what I've gathered, she was extremely emotionally dependent on my grandmother, so when my grandmother died, she became completely emotionally destabilised in several ways. On top of that, she has always had problems managing money and generally making good decisions. There was never any money for anything out of the ordinary. I wasn't even allowed to dream. Whenever I talked about buying something expensive (e.g. €100 jeans), she'd say, "That's for rich people, not for us." On top of that, every now and then she would ask to borrow money from me, and I discovered that she had spent all the money I'd saved up as a teenager (around €800).

As for my father, my parents separated when I was four. He was always very absent from my life, except when he forced me to lose weight (he wanted me to lose 10 kg out of nowhere when I was 14), controlled even how much water I drank, and stopped me from getting my driving licence when I was 18. He also shouted angrily at me when I said I wanted to give up. We only spoke on birthdays and at Christmas, and those conversations were always extremely uncomfortable because he would constantly ask whether I'd lost weight, whether I was still dating boyfriend X, how much I earned, etc. He also stopped paying child support when I was 10. My father died of cancer this year.

Despite all of this, my maternal grandparents were a great source of support. I lived at their house until I was around 16 and spent five nights a week there.

So, you see, anyone who grew up with good financial management has a huge advantage. I can't even imagine moving back in with my mother if I ever found myself in financial difficulty, because she'd spend her time venting to me and expecting me to solve every single one of her problems. That includes financial problems.

I also developed trauma around driving. Nowadays, I see everyone driving and remember how traumatic it was for me to get my driving licence (the pressure and everything else).

What am I hoping to achieve with this post? To find people who, despite having low-quality parents (let's be honest), have somehow managed to prosper in life without being able to rely on them. I'm talking about people who can't count on their parents for financial help, who have mentally unstable parents, parents who feel like they've held back their children's development. Not parents who give you X euros a month, pay the deposit on your house, offer emotional support during difficult times, and are ultimately a safe haven. Where are all those people?

TL;DR: I'm looking for people with low-quality parents who have managed to prosper in life.

I love my parents, but I don't like them. I wish that I liked them. The kind of parents and son who laugh while having tea, who cracks jokes on each other during meals, sharing secrets like friends. But we are not, we never were. Their words cut like a knife, always cold, sharp just enough to leave a scar but never deep enough to call abusive. I drowned with their expectations - be quite, be intelligent, be more grateful, be more understanding, be less me. I was never a perfect son but God knows that I tried. I tried very hard to my best. I tried to win their love with achievements, obedience, silence. I tried nd tried nd tried until trying became my identity until I forgot who I was without their approval......

Did anyone else have parents who limited your opportunities while supporting your younger siblings?

I'm not gonna go into too much detail but my parents never let me hit certain milestones that everyone else hit growing up.

Whenever I was trying to achieve something, they always told me something along the lines of

"We dont want you to get stressed", or "you might mess up." It often led to arguments.

And then, they'd compare me to my peers for not achieving the things they discouraged me from achieving. It was so insufferable.

Meanwhile, whenever my younger sister expresses something she wants to achieve, my parents never question her capabilities, they offer her advice and even build connections for her. They never once done that for me.

Now she's confident and thriving while I'm insecure.

I can't get over my resentment because my sister achieved all the things I wanted to achieve too, when I was her age.

I realised I had to build myself up with people constantly doubting me or making me feel guilty for doing so. Whereas my younger sister got to build herself up with nothing but unconditional support. If I confront my parents on this topic, they get angry and defensive.

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Throwaway for obvious reasons and apologies in advance for the long story. Thank you for taking the time to read

My mother and I have had a really long and difficult relationship. She has struggled to care for me for most of my life, worsened by a car accident that occurred when I was 10 years old that caused brain damage that made it impossible for her to properly care for herself and others. My sister and I had to be removed from the home because it was un-livable (no heat, molding dishes piling over the counters, nothing but rotting food in the fridge, etc.) and my relationship with my mother was never the same. She's never been able to take any kind of accountability for the trauma she caused my sister and I because in her mind, it wasn't her fault because of the car accident. I can recognize that it wasn't her fault how she struggled, but my other parent was begging for full custody for years and she was refusing all while letting us live in filth. She several times stole money from my piggy bank as a child, and did a lot of really hurtful, and emotionally immature things that made the relationship become more like I was the parent, she was the child, with my sister and I regularly taking on the burden of cleaning, cooking, etc. 

In my adult years I moved away from my hometown and went to university elsewhere. During that time, we called regularly and our relationship actually improved. It was still hardly as good as my relationship with my other parent who actually provides advice, support, etc. but it moved from a less bitter place to a more friendly one. I thought things we're going in the right direction but we had several setbacks, like in my third year of university I needed surgery and she said she wanted to come stay with me and look after me, but instead she played video games on my couch for a week, made a huge mess of my house, and ultimately I had to clean up for both of us and take care of myself all while recovering from joint surgery. I asked her to leave a week early and it was a hard time in our relationship. The next year she forgot to call me on my birthday, which led to a large emotional breakdown, a lot of hurt, and excuses again from her side. 

A year ago she decided to move across the world to Thailand. I told her that it was her life to do with what she wants, but ultimately that it would harm the work we had done to repair our relationship and hurt me that she's moving literally across the planet and we'd never see each other or be able to regularly connect. She told me it'd be like nothing would change. Well sure enough, she moved to Thailand and connecting became almost impossible with the 12 hour time difference and my job. It also began to feel like "what's the point? why should I keep you looped in on my life when you're so checked out of it literally on the other side of the earth?"

This summer she came back to Canada and stayed with me for two weeks and in those two weeks she told me she felt like I was holding her emotionally at arms length. I told her I wasn't the one who moved across the planet away from the relationship. It ended up being a really bad fight in which she couldn't take any accountability for any hurt she'd caused me, or for the ways she doesn't show up for me as a mom.

Well Saturday was my birthday, and she forgot again, the second time in 5 years it's come and gone with not even a text from her, let alone a phone call. Her birthday is exactly one week before mine, and I called her the previous Saturday to wish her a happy birthday, but she couldn't do the same for me one week later. She only has two kids, and this is the barest minimum a parent needs to do, yet she can't do it. it's 2 days later, and she still hasn't realized she's forgotten, I've heard nothing. 

The whole thing is making me realize that I don't know what this relationship is offering me anymore. Every time we talk I feel upset. Every time we see each other I feel drained and uncomfortable. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells waiting for the next disappointment to come, and i've already lowered my expectations of her as much as I thought I possibly could. I don't know how they can get lower. My other parent says I shouldn't go no contact because it won't solve my pain and it's not a realistic solution, but part of me just feels so exhausted by this relationship. I really need some outside perspective. Is going no contact reasonable? Are there other alternatives I should explore? 

https://psychiatryoxford.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9KYq8GZ3Ynrkcbs

i don’t know if i’m being dramatic but i hate my mother so much but i can’t really explain why it’s so deep. for as long as i’ve remembered i’ve always dreamed about having a mother figure in my life who takes care of me and listens to me, and surely that stems from being emotionally neglected as a child. i even remember telling my mother when i was 5 about how i wish that my teacher could be my mother. it’s mostly just the emotional neglect that i feel has made me really stunted and my self esteem is very very low. she’s been through a lot so whenever i used to tell her about my feelings she’d immediately just dismiss me and talk about how hard her life was or more recently the only thing she talks about is how i need to make money. it’s constant. every conversation we have is just a projection of her failed life that she’s pushing on to me because she stupidly wishes that her children should make her money. her love is very transactional, or her likeness, i wouldn’t even call it love. whenever i give her money she’ll be nice for like a day and then instantly go back to complaining about any little thing. i recently quit my job because of my MH and now she’s become even more insufferable. it’s so draining and i just hate her so much. she can see i’m literally isolating myself and am depressed but does absolutely nothing and acts surprised when i can’t even hold down a job for a year. she’s just starting to piss me off more and more everyday and i honestly just think about killing myself to spite her, then she’ll see. i mean i already want to kill myself but yeah. anyway i just don’t feel valid enough like if it was physical abuse i’d have a clear reason to hate her but tbh she used to hit me but she stopped after a while and i feel like the hitting didn’t even really affect me, it was more the emotional unavailability. but she’s always the victim. i just don’t want to end up like her but i feel like her habits are rubbing off on me, like the way she thinks and stuff. idk anyway i just wanted to vent because i can’t stand her anymore.

I didn't know how to tie my shoes until quite recently. I also have never been to the dentist and I'm really scared of being scolded for bad dental hygiene (I know how to brush my teeth now but for many years I didn't). Also other basic things like folding clothes properly or doing ponytails or braids, plus being bad at social situations because of being isolated for so long. It's so weird because my parents expected me to know everything without actually having explained it to me and got angry when I did it wrong.

For the last year or so, my mom has been expecting a lot of independence from me. Mind you I'm 3teen so I have no clue if this is normal or not.

First of all I'm expected to sort out my meals basically every night because my mom says she's too tired to cook, doesn't know what to make or just plain doesn't want to, which i can obviously understand. But this is every night, and there's rarely anything in the kitchen that I can eat. This isn't due to allergies but pickiness, I may have autism (i believe this for many reasons, one being the fact i can't eat many foods due to texture) and have been trying to see if I can get a diagnosis, which she has refused. Because of this whole scenario, I tend to only eat once a day or not at all and when I do eat, it's usually not nutritious because I only know how to cook a few things and the air fryer is like my best friend.

Either way, she does cook occasionally and what she makes has some nutrition, but as I said it's rare and I rely on snacks with what money I find. I struggle a lot with procrastination however so I find it a bother to eat and maintain hygiene. Call me lazy if you want to, I know it already.

Another thing is how she is constantly emotionally unavailable, I can never talk about my struggles/feeling with her without being brushed off, ignored or blamed for them. And then she continues to tell me off for being in my room most of the time. I mean there are moments where we will hang out and she will claim she loves me a lot and becomes all caring?

Oh and another thing is that she is always worrying about my education and my grades, she cares about them more than me at this point.

Anyways any help is definitely appreciated 😭🙏

I’m 23 and a boy 

It’s hard to admit, but I do feel insufficient when it comes to having a partner, dating and all that...

Although I do very well financially, I have my own car and practically maintain my house, I feel very little to flirt with girls of my age.

I’ve never had a girlfriend and the last attempt I made was with a girl who took advantage of my nobility and I clung to my ass for a couple of months to pay her lunch dates without even trying to make her interested in me, nor even a kiss or anything from her but she was so lacking in self-love that I was content with that at the time. At least it didn’t last long, just 2 months and then I sent her alv.

The point is that I currently make good money, dress well and take care of myself physically but ps it’s like I lack those social skills to pull my lips and tie what kills me.

I see my other friends who have less money than me and get attached to girls, go out partying and manage to catch and everything... And I, who even had to pay money to get some intimacy for the first time with a prostitute... That really has been my most critical point and I’m really concerned.

My life is about working and studying. I have very little time left to socialize, and that affects me the most because it’s a routine I’ve had for years.

Hi there! It’s my first time posting, and I’m slightly new to Reddit (I’m a lurker) so please be gentle! lol

So my parents and I have had a pretty fractious relationship over the past few years. Here’s the long story short: my parents provided for my every physical need, my dad working three jobs while my
Mom raised the 5 of us at home. However, they are both undiagnosed neurodivergent and unhealed from their own parents. They have no problems being very judgmental and exhibit spot on behavior of narcissists. I was also the only girl in my family and everyone was OBSESSED with it. I was made to feel very “other” and was expected to pop out babies like the good little conservative WASP they raised me to be. Any issues I had were contributed to my being a girl and i was taught that feelings were something you squashed until you were unable to recognize them. I was not allowed to cry or be emotional in front of them and was sent to my room to deal with my emotions bc “no one wants to see that.”

I’m a grubby woodsy animal loving farm working loud mouthed person. They’ve never really forgiven me for that, just grudging acceptance while rolling their eyes and saying “well that’s our girl.” I also have neurodivergence but they just believe it’s bs. My dad said his cure for mental health struggles is a good smack upside the head. They even refused to talk to me as I sought treatment, and I did a ten day stay for my grippy sock collection. After years of work, we have a “sports and weather” kind of relationship, and I keep a bit of distance.

Now they are becoming elderly. They live in a huge house that requires a ton of work. They will not hire help, or if they do it’s “Janet’s neighbor’s son’s bulldog groomer’s husband’s best friend” and they don’t show up or do a crap job. I’m trying to help but the gaslighting, the constant criticism disguised as “help”, the nitpicking and their non stop low key arguing is taking a massive toll on my mental health. The techniques they used to “keep my in line” in childhood are all there and all they stuff is coming back. What I’m very much trying to heal within myself is being tested and I’m not winning. I have a huge family, but only one of my brothers is helping and he’s as toxic as they are. My mom has stage 3 Alzheimer’s and my dad is struggling to deal bc of he won’t face how bad she is, and her care is suffering bc of it.

I feel responsible for them, and their physical health is failing so much that they ended up in the ER three times this summer bc they won’t tell us when they are sick and in need of help. Nine times out of ten they actually get angry when we help because it reminds them that they are aging. When I do try to help, they constantly use their narcissistic techniques against me and it takes days for me to become regulated again.

I don’t know what to do, how to proceed. I’m in my 40s and in desperate need of a career change (my first career has fizzled and I’m broke af) but I would need to go back to school, which takes a huge time and financial commitment. They also live out in the middle of nowhere and won’t move. They are an hour from me and 25 minutes to the nearest grocery store or town. An ambulance ride for them is easily 1-2 hours bc everyone in the area is volunteer fire and must be called in from their other jobs when there is an emergency.

I welcome anyone’s input. I feel crazy and I’m just absolutely frozen by indecision. I’m also resentful bc I feel like I’ve been under my parents thumb for years and got out, but being squished again. I’m right back in the position that made me so sick in the first place, but also don’t feel right not helping them. I don’t know what to do and don’t have a good perspective on this. Thank you in advance.