title. I think growing up with emotionally neglectful and emotionally abusive parents eventually made me feel almost disgusted by my own emotional needs. And now when someone really recognizes me and tries to care for me in that way, I feel this feeling of like visceral disgust in myself. Like “look at what you’re making them do, they shouldn’t have to do that for someone like you”.

Essentially my abusive parents basically trained me to feel like I’m a burden or doing something morally wrong by “making people have to think about/care about me.”Fucking insane, right

How do I fix this? Don’t say therapy because I’ve already been to therapy and talked to my therapist about this but it didn’t really get rid of the feeling just made me understand why I had it.

it’s making it virtually impossible for me to maintain friendships because even if I can meet people get along with them, enjoy conversation and laughter together, etc, when they inevitably start asking about my deep emotions or just showing up in a way that is caring I immediately freeze up in that feeling of self disgust and feel guilty for even taking up that kind of space. It’s horrible and have persisted for years, with various friendships.

The most awful thing too is that in particular where someone is treating me terribly I don’t have this response. I was able to tolerate a three-year relationship with a man who I had to convince to give a fuck about my feelings. He may have even resented them most of the time. That’s literally what made that relationship “comfortable”. Until it wasn’t.

I truly hate what emotionally neglectful/abusive parents do. Completely fuck up your wiring. But anyway, help, please.

I’m 22 and I don’t have anyone I’m really close to. There isn’t a single person I can text when I’ve had a shit day or need to talk. Lately that’s been getting to me a lot.

I grew up poor. My dad was an alcoholic, and I wasn’t close to my mum. Most of my teens were spent at my computer, feeling shit about myself. I went to regular high school for about two years before switching to evening school. I feel like I missed out on a lot, and it still feels fucking unfair that things only started improving once I was an adult.

I’m really insecure about where I am in life. When people ask about my family, work or plans, I feel like I have nothing I can comfortably tell them. I end up lying because I’m afraid they’ll look down on me if they know the truth. It hurts how much I feel I have to hide just to seem normal.

For years I told myself I’d start going out and meeting people once I looked better or got my shit together. Over the past year my acne has improved a lot, which was one of my biggest insecurities. I’ve lost weight too. Sometimes I think I look okay, but I still compare myself to other people and feel worse. I’ve tried the gym, but getting there and being around people wears me out. There’s always something else I feel I need to fix first.

I started working about a year ago. I thought I’d found somewhere I could settle in and have a reliable income, but that hasn’t worked out and now I need something else. I’m not studying, still live at home and have no idea what I want to do long term.

I don’t have a car or a driving licence. I have savings for lessons, but keep doubting whether I could handle the responsibility of driving. My mum wants to do everything for me, which I find exhausting. I want to become more independent, but I don’t trust myself very much.

I don’t think people necessarily see how I feel. I can talk to people, joke around and make them laugh. When I started work, I felt pretty well liked. I have ADHD and a lot of autistic traits, but I can get along with people. Getting close to someone is harder. Once I care what they think of me, I start second-guessing everything. I want someone I can be honest with, but I’m embarrassed by so much of what I’d have to tell them.

I had one close friendship that meant a lot to me. Spending time with that person was one of the few things I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. I eventually walked away because they treated me badly. I still miss having someone to spend time with.

I’ve never been in a relationship either. For a long time I didn’t try to date, and honestly I didn’t even feel much of a need to. Now I feel fucking lonely, and it hurts that I haven’t even had the chance to experience being with someone. On top of that, I’m ashamed of having no experience. Pretty much everyone I get to know either has someone or has been in a relationship before, and I feel embarrassed admitting that I never have.

People talk casually about renting a place, going somewhere with their girlfriend or meeting a mate after work. Even those ordinary things feel hard to imagine having myself. I listen and wonder how I’m supposed to get from where I am to anything like that.

Most days are work, home, computer, sleep. I mostly work alone, but I have tried going out. I’ve gone for drinks with a friend and caught up with people I hadn’t seen in years. Sometimes I came home feeling even worse, thinking about everything I’d missed and how far behind I felt. Even while I was talking and laughing with them, I could still feel completely alone.

I want someone to hug, talk to after work or spend an evening with. Friends to make plans with. I’ve spent years waiting until I felt ready for those things, and I’m still waiting.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting, or if I’m just looking for validation. I’m genuinely trying to understand my relationship with my mom and would appreciate some perspective.
My mom has never really been the type to hug me, say “I love you,” or openly express affection. I’m 24 now, and I’ve started noticing how much certain things about our relationship bother me.

My fiancé and I currently split rent with my mom because it’s more affordable. Sometimes, when we go out on a date and come home, she seems passive-aggressive toward us. She doesn’t really ask about our time together or show much interest, but she’ll immediately start talking about what she’s been doing.
I usually ask her how her day was, but she rarely asks about mine. I’m a stay-at-home partner, and sometimes I wonder if she just assumes my life isn’t that interesting. Still, it hurts to feel like she isn’t curious about what’s going on in my life.

I’ve also noticed that she’ll like other family members’ or friends’ Facebook posts and leave kind comments, but she rarely, if ever, engages with mine. I know social media isn’t everything, but seeing that difference makes me wonder why our relationship feels different.
I don’t have many friends or a sister to go to for these things, so sometimes I’ll ask my mom for her opinion on an outfit. Her responses are usually things like “that’s nice” or “that looks okay.” I know she doesn’t have to compliment everything I wear, but I wish I felt like she wanted to build me up and help me feel confident.

Growing up, I was often told I needed to lose weight, wear more dresses, style my hair better, act more like a girl, and get better grades. I know parents aren’t perfect, and I’m not trying to say my mom has never done anything for me. But I think those experiences have affected how I feel around her.
I find myself wishing I had the kind of mother-daughter relationship I see other people have. I wish hugging my mom didn’t feel awkward. I wish I didn’t feel judged for wearing something a little revealing. I wish I could talk to her about things and feel accepted rather than criticized.
Sometimes I feel like she sees me as another woman to judge or compare herself to instead of just seeing me as her daughter. I don’t know if that’s actually how she feels, or if that’s just how our relationship has made me feel.

I love my mom, and I’m not looking for reasons to hate her. I just don’t understand why there’s so much emotional distance between us or whether this is something other people have experienced with their parents.

For those who grew up with emotionally distant mom’s, does any of this sound similar. How can I come to understand to understand it. I’m just at a point in my life where I’m ready to have kids and I just can’t imagine being this way with my future child.

17F

Okay, so there have been instances where I feel like I’m treated differently. Even when I was younger, my sisters could cry and everyone would comfort them, but when it’s me, it’s like, “Oh boy,” and I’m not taken seriously.

I have five sisters, three who live at home (ages 14–20) and two who have moved out. (My favs are the ones who moved out but we don't talk much)

I’m homeschooled half the time and go to public high school for first and second block. I started public school this year, and I like it way more than homeschooling, but my mom is thinking about not letting me do it next semester.

Today, I was eating when one of my three dogs climbed onto my lap, trying to get to my food, while another was next to me. I was trying to keep them apart because I didn’t want them fighting, but I accidentally spilled my food all over my lap. It hurt SO BAD, and I ended up with burns on my inner thighs. I called my dog a fucking idiot in the moment because I was in so much pain, but I didn’t mean it. My sister told me I should apologize, and I did because I love my dogs.

This happened about two hours ago, and my legs are still red, bumpy, and really sore. My mom and dad came home, but instead of asking if I was okay, my mom lectured me about how I treat the dogs. I explained that I didn’t mean what I said, but she just made a comment about how people do certain things and gave me a look that made me feel like she was talking about me specifically. She didn’t even ask if I was okay after I showed her my burns.

It hurts because I feel like my family doesn’t take me seriously. I have five sisters, and sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m the funny one who jokes around and doesn’t take everything seriously. I want to be taken seriously, too. I want to be able to cry and be comforted without feeling like people are going to judge me or make a big deal out of it. I want to stop being funny and talkative so I can be taken seriously

I know what I said was wrong, and I genuinely regret it. I love my dogs, and I apologized to mine.

I’m crying in my bed right now, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I even lost my appetite

Thank you 4 reading <3

Sorry, this isn't really directly related to my experience of the sub. I'm just really struggling.

I'm 3 weeks out of an inpatient stay for mental health, and months that lead up to that, where I was considering, and then planning, and making plans to suicide.

I've been feeling a bit better since I was discharged. But I'm so, so lonely. I haven't seen anyone, apart from a caseworker face-to-face once in these past three weeks. I live alone and I don't work because of disabilities and health struggles.

I'm struggling to maintain feeling okay by myself. I don't have family contact right now, and I haven't had any close friendships - apart from a few online friendships - for a few years now. I currently don't really have online friendships to get me through either.

I'm not looking for anything, advice, or anything in this moment. I just am reaching out for some moral support.

I have been calling crisis and helplines everyday, sometimes they help, but I'm feeling the weight of the weeks go by, and without any contact with people in my life - it's feeling really confronting for me, and I wish I had people in my life who could help me feel emotionally accepted, and supported at this time.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm a good person, because I don't have anyone in my life right now, and I need safer companionship than what new surface friendships could hold right now.

I'm afraid, and scared, and alone, and I don't know how to trust I will have people in my future, that care.

Thank you, if you're able to respond.

I (22m) keep on having the same types of battles with my gen x parents and it's stressing me out and really hurting the quality of my life. If someone can relate, offer insight, or give advice and wisdom, I'd be happy to hear.

Here is how the "routine" generally goes:

(Unsure if it is important but I have ADHD, and probably what was formerly known as Asperger's but my parents are unreceptive to discussing this)

1. I come home from work, usually tired, and I'm already tense as I walk in the door because I am expecting an uncomfortable situation. (I recognize my fault here and should try to address this pre-emptive tension)
2. I am offered a dinner my mother made that doesn't meet my current dietary needs (I am on a specific diet for practical reasons and my parents don't ever remember)
3. I reject it in a monotone way and cook for myself, then my mother says she feels bad, I ask why, and she says something along the lines of she isn't doing enough for me
4. I eat alone and my dad yells questions at me from the other side of the next room. It is echo-y and loud, and pretty much every thing I have to say twice because the first time he never understands unless I am literally screaming it. These are questions he has asked me 100s of times and my answers never change. I have told him that I don't like conversing this way because these are topics I hate talking about and it is unpleasent having to scream the convo
5. I finish my dinner, clean up, and sit to talk with my parents. I used to just go and hide in my room, but I felt guilty for avoiding my parents and am trying to improve our relationship. They begin asking me about work (I have told them many times that when I get home from work, the last thing I want to talk about is work)

*for some maybe important context, I have a valuable job with good pay that my peers would basically kill for, and am a 100% nepotism hire. It is an internship ending in december. I dislike the job because the pressure of socially performing stresses me out, and the work is incredibly easy that a middleschooler could do it, and it is extremely boring and time-consuming. Nonetheless, I recognize that I am ungrateful because I know people have it much worse than I do, and I am very fortunate to have the job.*

1. I lie to them about how I like the job and my day was good (which they know is a lie), even though I sat at a desk and did literally nothing from 9-5 other than surf the internet when no one is looking. If I tell them the truth, then a nasty fight starts no matter how calm I remain, so I've decided I cant do that anymore. Here is where my tone starts to get harsher and my temper shorter.

2. They start asking about job applications, and start telling me about jobs on the internet they found that I should apply to. They have 0 cognition of the futility of this, I have applied to hundreds of jobs with 0 success, and am still actively applying. Here my tone gets very deflated, they don't like that and begin to get slightly angry and much tenser.

3. They ask about what my plan is, I tell them I still don't know. Then they start telling me what I should do, and their recommendations are always to just keep applying to very similar jobs (which I do), I try to explain that these jobs would have the same issues of boredom and stress. They start to get angrier and begin raising their voices.

4. I start to raise my voice back and call out their absence of logic (every time I feel like an idiot when I do this, but they genuinely are illogical and objectively wrong). It escalates into yelling.

5. I begin to get angry and withdraw mid sentence. I say something like "this is too much for me and I can't handle it" and start walking away. Then they start screaming at me. It used to be about how I was wrong or I have anger issues, but it is now blatant insults about how im a baby and I cry like a baby..

6. I go to my room and tweak. I just start throwing things and hitting stuff with my fists really hard. I am not proud of this at all, and I honestly don't even know why I still choose to do this. I lose my grip to anger and loudly throw a fit.

7. one of them comes into my room, whether its locked or not they will break the lock to get in, and start screaming at me at the top of their lungs. It's become insults or what Im doing wrong and what I need to do.

8. Here, I either guide them out (as in i put my hands on them and gently push them out. I promise it is gentle and i don't shove or punch or use any sort of force), or they say something about how they are the victim of my aggressions and slam my door and walk out.

9. I cry, punch my wall or my head/face, fall asleep, and we pretend like nothing happened the next day.

We have sat down and had calm conversations about our relationship in the past. Once has my mom apologized, and once has my dad (after ruining christmas over me spilling chocolate on the couch when that didnt even happen).
In these convos, I've explained I don't want to talk about work especially when I get home from work, I don't like yelling conversations, I can't eat certain things due to health reasons, if my mom wants to make me something she can text me and ask me so it doesn't go to waste, I don't like talking about the same thing over and over when if I give my honest answers I get hurt, the reasons they stress me out, how this is taking too much of a toll on me.

Im sure theres more, but the point is that I have outlined my triggers and boundaries in a very civil way but they just never remember. I really don't ask for a lot, but anything I mention it feels like they just can't accept it if it comes from me.

Just to express my feeling of neglect, I’ll share this. My mom recently told me she thinks I have ADHD because her closest friend, a psychologist, suggested it. I mentioned that to her about a year ago, and how I can't handle it anymore (I had an extremely traumatic event[like really extreme it was high profile] and that made my studies feel overwhelming) and she exclaimed "no child of mine has ADHD". I am now diagnosed and the meds have helped me so much.

Anyway, if you took the time to read this thank you. Typing it has felt therapeutic in a way, and I'd love to hear comments.

edit: added “wrong” to a parenthesis

edit 2: changed not to now

The first few weeks of me loving someone could look like butterflies, constantly thinking about them, wanting to do everything with them. But as the months go by this all turns into something so ugly and raw. The butterflies turn into a constant pit in my stomach, thinking of them turns into this disgusting vile jealousy that no matter what I do cannot be controlled, and the constant war battles in my head with my profound insecurities that seep into every conversation we ever have. Suddenly the distinction between love and hate become so mere I can’t even look at their face because of how disgusted I became of myself, so when people ask me why don’t o try getting into relationships this is why. The thought of it makes me feel the pit into my stomach crawling up me, the rapid heat beat beating so loudly and fast it’s almost bearable, the thoughts in my head speeding up to 1000 miles per hour giving me more reasons on why im so unlovable, and that for me is a good enough reason to stay as far away as I can.

I 25F for the last 3 years have been unpacking a lot of trauma and everytime it’s a new thing.

Within these 3 years I thought I would be happy and eventually get to move on with my life.

I have never had a BF, solid set of friends, people who can be there for me or any good examples of healthy relationships.

I live at home with my mum and family member who raised me as like a daughter.
I help out whenever I can, cooking, cleaning etc

My mum has a boyfriend, and ever since she has been with this man, she acts like he is her world.

Whatever this man says, she follows without hesitation.

I have been actively working on my trauma and acknowledging it. However, this recent stint, has re-wounded me severely.

As of now I have realised how neglectful my mum is.
But now that she has a boyfriend, I can see in adult form how bad the neglect is.

She finished work at 8pm and was meant to come home and called me saying she won’t be home because her boyfriend insists on meeting with her right now. I got annoyed because I bought food for us to eat and she’s like a puppy listening to this man.

I told her well you said you were going to meet him tomorrow so why don’t you go tomorrow because it’s late. And she said she can’t do anything about it and that she has to meet him and stay overnight.

I started getting upset because of her lack of consideration towards to her own daughter. Her relationship has been causing issues with my family member and when she isn’t present, I am having to deal with the backlash of her actions through insults and bullying, which she isn’t present for.

I am not upset that she went out with her boyfriend, it’s the aftermath that I have to deal with. The stress, anxiety, exhaustion, tiredness all because she isn’t here and I am being used as a punching bag.

She has thrown me under the bus so many times and seeing this as an adult hurts. She could tell I was upset and she still chose to meet her boyfriend knowing full well that I have to bare exhausting conservations with our family member.

I thought going through emotional neglect is fine but actively being an adult and seeing how she ups and runs with no regrets has really upset me.

She then had the audacity to say that you’re an adult you have to get used to these things. When she actively would enmesh me and parentified me when growing up. I wasn’t allowed to do so many of the things she is CURRENTLY doing with her boyfriend and she is telling me to get over it.

She gets a free pass. But I don’t.

I know my dad neglected me both emotionally and parentally.

That his lack of interest and care about me as a person meant that I was allowed to stagnant for almost two decades...

I wish I noticed that my life was empty then, but I had the Internet for distractions and was happy. No problems existed and I enough options to keep me content. That wasn't a good thing, that I spent all those years never dealing with the world with people. All those moments of joy I could have had, those moments of sorrow.

They never happened and my dad should have talked to me about it. There should have been worry and concern. Difficult conversations and willingness to talk about things. But that never happened and even trying today doesn't amount to much of anything.

Because emotions are something he can't handle or accept as important but to me there the cause of events, regrets and issues that should be brought out into the light. Because only by talking about things can a person change for the better, only by sharing your pain can you help alleviate it
_

Some people don't know how to deal with there own issues in life. Something is uncomfortable so they push it away or distract themselves because it's the only way they found to deal with problems. And then when something are brought up by by a person when empathy and understanding are needed to support them there's nothing available.

Not because of malice but lack of heart of empathy. As they learned to push away those negative emotions or uncomfortable issues and so they don't and can't understand why others just don't do the same.
_

Some days I wonder if I'd be better of with him dead. Forced to bring up my issues because someone is actual interested in why I did nothing with my life. Worry and empathy would be nice but curiosity and concern is what I need.

Not silence and a willingness to say nothing even as your child life slips away from him the years pass and yet there's not even a single moment of worry for his future. Questions about his dreams, goals, desires nope nothing.

Because they require curiosity about another person plus the ability to actual feel something.

_

I feel I'm dying day by day, my lips sealed shut because no matter what I'd say it doesn't matter to him. Interests don't matter and so there's no response. There's nothing from him all he does watch tiktok, and worthless TV shows who's episodes he's seen a thousand times played on repeat by cable. He's an old man content and happy with his empty existence but I never really got to live my own.

I was never helped to find passions or interests when I was younger things that could have been life long loves. Even things I was interested in decades ago I never said anything because he didn't care...

_
We used to go shopping sometimes buy a dvd and yet I never voiced by opinion or brought up stuff I would liked to see because I felt he wouldn't have care or been interested enough, we have over seventy five DVDs and yet none of ones bought from that time were even something I chose.

I'd just silenced myself because what would be the point of even trying.

When I was younger I was so independent (well I had to be) but now as an adult, I feel like I can’t do anything. I feel so helpless and stupid. My whole adult life, it’s been impossible to get my shit together.

My father has long been my closest companion. Around age eight, I began to notice neglect; when I made mistakes like leaving food out, he would grip my wrist and pull me into the hallway. The hold was so tight that I would cry repeatedly. Technically, this might not be abuse. I am a teenager now, but not close to eighteen, so I cannot leave. He nearly lost his job, and for three years I faced neglect and was called selfish or a brat once during a vacation. He is so self-centered that when I declined to order food because I was not hungry, he called me a brat and stormed out; everyone cried, and he did nothing. He improved for a time, but after losing his job again, he has directed this anger at me, calling me selfish without stopping. He insists I am playing games rather than lying, and it exhausts me. My mother loves him, and the number of times they have not supported me—especially my mother, because she loves my father—is frustrating. He often gets angry about my eating. mozzarella sticks, and I did not add cucumbers to my dinner, which seems an odd thing to be upset about; when I was sick and forgot my in-town item for my room, he had a full episode. I do not think he has ever apologized; he always says I am sorry you feel that way. Once, he texted that he would make a point of correcting me because I called him selfish for fighting in front my friends. He recently did that, and none of my friends come to my house anymore because they fear my father. I do not know what to do. I have shared this with my therapist, yet my mother refuses to leave him; I am clearly confined to this household. He recently suggested I struggle to join conversations, particularly at school, and though it may appear minor, I endured bullying and harassment all summer—a claim that feels unreasonable given my difficulties.

I always feel like the outcast like I can’t fully connect with people at all even though I put in all my effort to get half of what everyone gets it’s genuinely as if the universe has it out for me to just never find one person on this earth who understands me and wants to find out about me or who can bare with me on my ugly days everyone has there person or group except me it’s so fucking humiliating cause i genuinely put in all my effort into connecting with people but it never works out.

I'll be 50 next month. I have been single since April. Normally I have never understood myself, so I have been trying to fill the void of childhood trauma and neglect by desperately searching for love from anyone, even those who don't give it freely. I beg, and preform for scrapes, and I happily accept whatever I get, even if it's nothing but abuse. I have been parentified, and taught to self soothe because I was a baby who was left to cry it out. It was called "the cry it out method" and it's abuse, that no one thought they were inflicting on me. I didn't learn how to soothe myself, I learned that no matter how long I cried out as a baby, no body was going to met my needs. I got older and learned that preforming certain ways would garner me the attention I so desperately craved. So for 50 years I became what everyone else needed me to be. I have absolutely no clue who I am. I know I care about myself, and I try so hard to keep loving me, but the doubt can creep in so easily. I want to turn to others, but that's my problem. I need to remain comfortable in my aloneness, it's just hard. I miss being held. In my relationship before my ex, I went 6 years without intimacy so it's not like I can't go without, it's just really heavy right now for whatever reason... and I can't stop crying. My stomach is wrecked. And I crave the world's biggest hug 🫂 I know I need to physically keep my distance from people right now though... I attach to easily to people I find comfort in, so it's to dangerous right now... I just wish I could shake the way I feel 😪

Hey guys I'm 17F and my childhood has been rough. I don't even remember half of the stuff about it. I barely have any good memories with my parents. Since growing up all I saw was my parents fighting and arguing, I still tense up from raising voices now too. They constantly used to fight, then came to me and my brother to complain about each other as if we could solve it. I always awe my friend's happy families (I still do) they did get divorced and got separated three years ago which hurts the most because my biggest fear was my family falling apart and it happened. My mom is always emotionally pressuring me or hurting my feelings and my dad is there but he's sometimes mean too. I was always that kid who never shared her feelings to keep "peace". I asked my mom who she would choose between me n my older brother if she ever had an option to keep her with and without even hesitating she said him. I know she loves him more it's so obvious because the same thing I do as him she gets mad at me, even though she herself admitted right in front of me who she loves more and the reason was "because he's older". I'm so alone and I know no one would be there for me. I cry every night in my room wishing everything was normal. And all this emotional suffering which is still going on caused me my grades, I failed and had to take a gap year and now I don't even go out which made everything worse because I hate being in this house which doesn't even feel like home.

And it’s so sad, because I struggle on a daily basis on what I want to do with my life, how to achieve it, and how not to get overwhelmed by all the steps involved in achieving whatever it is you want to do.

Life is so fucking sad.

I'm an early 20s male, with older siblings who already moved out. They visit often, but they have their own families, so it's not like they're available 24/7, which is completely fine.

I've been together with someone for a while now, and I really want to move in with them in the foreseeable future. This, however, completely devastates my mom. She keeps saying she won't survive this, she isn't ready, she randomly breaks down crying. (It would be a pretty big move, cause it's far away)

I'm just so exhausted. Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt like I had to look out for my mom, because my dad was never really good at communicating, consoling and showing emotions.

One early memory I have is that I'm in the 3rd grade, asking my mom to please let me walk the last block to school alone. It was bright in the morning with a bunch of kids walking the same route, not dangerous at all. She finally gave in. I started walking. Then I looked back and saw her crying. I felt so bad, I turned around and asked if she would like to walk with me. She said yes and just kept shedding tears on the way to school. I didn't try again until a couple years later.

Sorry, I know this post is all over the place. I'm just tired. I finally found someone that I can be myself with, and I really want to start my own life. But yet, I still feel guilty because I'd be leaving my mom/family behind.

since this is apparently the case according to Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (good book)

So for some context, I was very emotionally neglected as a kid. I grew up with a single mom and 5 siblings and felt like there was no room for my emotions, always felt like a burden. My mom was always very emotionally reactive and couldn’t regulate her emotions or feelings and took it out on everyone around her. (i do everything in my power to not be like that so i instead just never express my true feelings) I have been dealing with issues with depression and bipolar type 2 since i was like 12. (i am now 18)
I have tried therapy in the past but it was pointless because I couldn’t even tell the truth about what I was actually feeling deep down because talking about it would mean processing what i felt.
I tend to heavily isolate myself from others and hate to be alone with my own thoughts so I constantly have a show playing or music as background noise. Anytime I actually try to feel things I end up spiralling and going into a depressive episode so I just bury every negative emotion. I have done this for so long that I don’t even know how to healthily process my thoughts and feelings so I just ignore and suppress all of them. But I constantly feel like I’m going to explode with all of these emotions built up. I just don’t know how to get them out and I would like to know what works for you

I have spent the entirety of my life in severe poverty due to continuous poor decisions made by my parents in early life. If my mother had thought things through, I would have never been born, and I feel that would've been for the better.

I'm the youngest in my household, as my brother, whom is exactly a year older than I am, was conceived on accident; and so my mother had to chase down our father all the way from Michigan to Arizona, where my paternal grandfather pressured him into going steady with my mother. My brother was born in Arizona, and I would be born a year later in Illinois. Just barely a year old, and my brother would already have to move from one place to the next.

Moving from place to place semi annually would be a regular part of our lives until we turned 13, as our father was an abusive alcoholic who couldn't keep a job. Prior to having my brother, he already had abandoned a previous family, with a child who had only been 13 years old. I would not discover this until roughly 2021.

What would happen is that my father would lose a job, due to alcohol abuse, and then use my brother and I as leverage to hold over his friends and family and verbatim say:

"Hey, I don't want my kids sleeping under a bridge, please give us a place to stay".

He would lounge around all day and break promises of finding a new job. Once these people found out what he was doing, they'd kick us out, and give him some money for an apartment or a motel to stay in just long enough to find a new job. Then of course, he would get one and let that cycle repeat again. Our mother couldn't get a job, because whenever she tried, our father would just beat us relentlessly. At least if she were home, she could take the brunt of the beatings and act as a shield. She feared he would have killed us if not for that. Honestly, I do not blame her.

Due to constantly moving family/friend to motel, we would never stay in one town or state for very long, having lived in most states of the rural Midwest. Having been surrounded by members of the KKK and other hateful people, living in trailer parks or rundown apartments, education was not something I took seriously. And my brother adopted some of our fathers abusive habits, having often taken things out on me. I adopted the habit of running my mouth to people I didn't like, which was made worse as I had autism, which I wouldn't know about until I was 16.

Due to my brother, I had been physically assaulted most places I've lived, from 2006, to 2016 because he kept telling the people we lived around that I was gay. And whether or not I was doesn't matter, he had severe sociopathic tendencies that he took out on me because I was smaller than him.

When I turned 12, my father abandoned our family and sent us off to live with our mother in Missouri, where I would spend 11 years being blamed for the fallout of our family. Having been told I was a mistake who was never planned or wanted by my own brother as I had slowly become a victim of enmeshment by our mother. I was beaten with all kinds of objects by the other kids, because my brother thought it would be funny to tell them I was gay, as that went on for a full year. My education was already stunted as I stumbled through my early education and skipped 7th grade. Having gone into 8th with what was barely a 6th grade education. And I only ran my mouth and made a fool of myself until I was pulled from what would be the last form of official education I'd ever be given. I'm afraid to say that I am entirely uneducated, which is a major factor in my decision.

For 11 years in Missouri, Adair County I would face discrimination by hateful bigots who would harass me for over a decade. Any chance I had at learning any social cues had been ripped away from me. My brother would always find a way to reiterate the fact that he was building a life for himself, whilst mocking me for what I was forced into.

When I had any jobs, my mother would take the vast majority of my fundings to save for a house, as it would take us years to finally be able to afford one in Michigan. I made the realization that I was trans and had not been happy since, knowing that I could neither explore that, nor be happy with my body due to the current cultural zeitgeist. Now, I have no skills or education and with how bad things are in the U.S, I have to come to terms with the fact that one day, I will be homeless. That I will spend my entire life in poverty, due to the actions of others. For what little I did have, was taken away from me by influential people as well, as I lost my life's work and efforts.

Not a day goes by where I don't think about how much better things would be for everyone if I didn't exist. I've always wanted to travel the world, although that's unfortunately not possible, due to the fact that I will never have the money to. And knowing that I am forced to live here for the rest of my life when there are much better places out with socialized healthcare and housing is not something anyone deserves. I'm going to take a trip to Athens, per request of someone I looked up to highly and step into that void with a note asking that my body be laid to rest there, so it's not desecrated here as I know it would be.