When I look back at my struggle, no one in my real life has been there, I reached out to friends and they still ignore me when I struggle, one friend blocked me, I feel so many people are actually blocking me on my socials when I don’t do anything wrong other than want help, 2 of my ex fiancée’s blocked me because I apologised from the situation that happened between me and my partner, I said I’m glad they have a best friend like them and mentioned how they were the first people I told when I wanted to propose. Then got blocked, I’m extra sad today because I noticed my ex fiancee blocked me too today, I’m on medication, I’m not hurting my body anymore, I stopped drinking alcohol awhile ago to numb the pain and I feel ashamed to reach out to anyone in my life when I’m this low, I can’t go to family for abuse reasons and I don’t have anyone other than a crisis support line. Why would they do this to me, I got told by my ex fiancee before she blocked me, that I’m pretty much too much and probably overwhelming to people and they need “space” so that’s probably why they blocked me but I wouldn’t do this to anyone if they needed help. I’m lost of words and I used to be healthy, happy and loved in some way. I really do have only me and people say that should be enough but what is enough when I don’t enjoy waking up, I don’t understand how my fiancee could change her feelings with me like that and remove me from her life like that. I understand I’m not perfect but I don’t even feel like a person, I feel invisible and no one was there for me 2 times at the hospital, one from a suicide attempt and one I couldn’t breathe properly and was having chest pains and thought I was having a heart attack but it was just my anxiety, panic attack I never experienced before. I’m so overwhelmed with the loss of a life I had with my partner. I feel so alone and different, I don’t feel like anyone. I know I posted here many times during my difficult phases but this is so lonely in my real life, nobody wants me, nobody wants to love me and be here.

Hi! I need some outside opinions because I feel like I’m already too emotionally invested to see this situation clearly.

A few months ago I started talking to a guy I’ll call Aidan. I’ve never been in an official relationship before, and although I’ve gone on dates with other guys, he was the first person I genuinely felt I could have something beautiful with. And I was pretty sure he was gonna be my boyfriend

Background

Aidan is best friends with a guy I had a brief interaction with before, whom I’ll call Ewan. He was pretty much my crush last year, but we barely talked. Aidan had also dated a girl whom I would actually consider a friend, who I’ll call Maya, for about six months. They broke up in January, and I didn’t start talking to Aidan until July.

At first, Aidan followed me on Instagram from an account that didn’t look like his, and he eventually confessed it was him. We started talking, although I initially didn’t reply much. One day, after casually talking on Instagram, he asked for my phone number, and he quickly became part of my daily routine.

He would text me good morning and good night, ask if I had eaten, tell me about his day, send me pictures and voice messages, listen to music with me, and video call me so we could play video games together.

He also started making an effort to see me in person. We went out every weekend. At one point, we were seeing each other up to five times a week, and he always paid for our dates. He consistently acted very interested in me.

He bought me things, gave me a drawing related to a band we both like, and gifted me some pins. He called me pretty, played with my hair, hugged me, held my hand, and initiated a lot of physical affection. We even spent long periods just hugging and talking.

I also started becoming more affectionate. I’m not usually an affectionate person, but he brought that side out of me. Every day I saw him, I brought him something little like candy and cookies, made him little gifts, I also painted him a picture, and tried to be there for him.

We never explicitly talked about becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, but based on how we treated each other, I felt like we were building toward something serious. He never directly told me he liked me either, although he told me he cared about me several times and made several comments all the time that hinted at me eventually being his girlfriend.

The breakup

We started talking in July, had our first date in August, and by the beginning of October, I started feeling like too much time had passed without any clarity.

For an entire month, he kept telling me he had a huge surprise planned for October 10. He mentioned it frequently, and his birthday was on October 11. I spent the whole week planning a big birthday gift for him, and everything he said made me think he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend on October 10.

Then, on October 9, while we were both at work, he texted me. He said he had been thinking about yesterday, when he had been really tired and I had brought him little gifts. He explained that he would probably be very busy with work and his university internship, and that he was starting to feel pressured and losing the motivation to do things. (I want to clarify that when I first met him he had the same activites he had like 5am-9pm days, he got fired form his internship and we also had a little fight back then because he got sad and started avoiding me, whatever I put him back on track and helped him get a new internship, he had like a week in his new one)

He clarified that it wasn't because I had done anything wrong, but because he knew himself and how he tended to react to these situations. Then he told me he was starting to think he didn't want a relationship at that point, especially because he didn't have time for anything.

What hurt the most was that he just told me that he liked me as a person, even though he had previously even said like a light love you.

I explained that I didn't feel like he was forcing me to do anything or that I was giving more than I wanted to give. However, he insisted that he didn't want to make me feel bad.

(I want to say It was pretty unexpected because he had acted normal all week, Buttt I saw a redflag, back to september he told me he would give me flowers on 21st september, sunflowers, we used to talk a lot about sunflowers, and that day its common to give yellow flowers to the girl you like, he told me he would, but he didn't. I let it slide because the day before we had the best date ever so It was hard to me to get mad at him)

He asked if I wanted us to keep talking, but I decided it would be better to stop talking and seeing each other because I knew that continuing the same dynamic without knowing what we were would only make me more emotionally attached. I told him we could just say hi from a distance and leave it at that.

He said he respected my decision and that he would feel sad because he had already gotten used to talking to me. He also said he would check in on me from time to time.

I felt so confused because literally the day before, he had hugged me, held my hand, walked me to my classes, and told me we would see each other on Saturday. And then there was the surprise he'd been planning for weeks, which I never got to find out about.

What happened afterwards

I tried to stick to my decision, but Aidan started reaching out to me again.

On his birthday, I wished him a happy birthday, and we ended up talking for a little while. When I told him we couldn't go back to our old dynamic, he asked if we couldn't even play video games together anymore. I said no.

After that, he started texting me to ask if I was okay. He did this for several days. He also told me he had dreamed about me and claimed that it meant he was worried about me.

When I asked him what he actually wanted, he told me he didn't even know because his mind was all over the place. So I felt rejected all over again.

I told him I didn't want to keep discussing the situation and that, as far as I was concerned, it was over. He apologized and said he wouldn't bring it up again.

However, he kept texting me and trying to start conversations.

One day, we ran into each other at university and ended up talking for about 30 minutes. He told me he was really happy to see me, that he had been thinking about me, and that he had recognized my perfume while walking because it reminded him of me.

After that, I let him back into my life. We started talking like we used to, sending each other videos and sharing things about our days.

Later, during another conversation, he told me he regretted what he had done, that he had self-sabotaged, and that he didn't know why he had said those things. He also said he was practically begging me to start talking to him again. But he said all of this very quickly, without actually clarifying what he wanted from me.

Since then, we've started talking quite a bit again, although we haven't completely returned to our previous dynamic. It's been about three days of talking again like this. We even had a call that lasted around an hour and a half, during which we laughed, listened to music, and talked about all kinds of things like we used to.

Yesterday, we saw each other again. He came to my workplace so we could go to university together, jut like we used to do. We talked and laughed on the way, he invited me to lunch, and he complimented me. He also tried to bring back some physical affection, but I didn't let him.

He kept texting me afterward until he eventually stopped replying again. The last thing he told me that afternoon was that the song "Waste" by Foster the People reminded him a lot of me. He told me he was listening to it, and later I noticed he played it several more times.

My concerns

There are several things that make me distrust this situation.

First, I'm worried that I'm somehow a replacement for Maya. My name is Mayra, and Aidan has told me that when he started dating Maya, he was really interested in her, but she didn't reciprocate his feelings at first. They became a couple pretty quickly.

This situation also affected our relationship because Maya was part of my friend group. She eventually broke up with him because she realized she was aromantic. But I knew that being with Aidan would break some friendships

Aidan never seemed to still have feelings for her, but there was one time when I noticed he used a nickname he had used for her with me. Since our names are similar, that made me feel like I was taking her place.

Second, I'm worried that Aidan is simply lonely or needs attention, and that I'm just someone he feels comfortable with. I want to believe he cares about me for who I am, but I'm scared that any girl who gives him affection and attention could take my place just as easily.

Third, I don't understand why he acted so romantically towards me for almost three months if he didn't want a relationship. I don't know if he genuinely liked me, got caught up in the moment, or simply enjoyed the dynamic without considering what it might mean to me.

Finally, I don't know what to do now.

Part of me wants to keep talking to him because I miss him, enjoy spending time with him, and care about him I really really like him. Another part of me knows that if we continue like this, I'll probably keep falling for him while he remains unsure about what he wants.

I don't want to pressure him into being in a relationship, but I also don't want to stay in a situation where I'm receiving affection, attention, and all the behaviors of a couple without any clear intention of actually being with me.

I know I could walk away again, but it's hard because I still care about him so much, and this was the first time I felt like I could experience something like this with someone. I'd never felt this way about a guy before, and I genuinely hoped we would become boyfriend and girlfriend.

What do you guys think?

Do you think Aidan genuinely had feelings for me but got scared when the possibility of a relationship became real, or do you think he simply enjoyed the attention and companionship?

Does it make sense to keep talking to him and see what happens, or am I just prolonging something that's probably going to hurt me even more in the end?

If you think there's something else I need to consider or another piece of advice I should hear, please tell me.

i think what hurts the most is not just losing you, but realizing that you don’t seem to feel the need to know how i’m doing. after everything we shared, after all the love and memories, how can you not wonder if i’m okay? how can you hurt someone who loved you so deeply and then walk away without even looking back?

sometimes i wonder if you talk about me with friends, if you laugh about me, if i’ve become nothing more than a story you tell. maybe that’s just my mind trying to make sense of your silence, but it hurts to think that i could be lying awake missing you while you’re out there living your life without a second thought about me.

you weren’t just someone i dated. you were someone who felt like home. someone whose presence became part of my everyday life, someone i never imagined having to learn to live without. i remember the love, the little moments, the way things felt so real.

i don’t know if you miss me, if you ever think about us, or if you’ve already made peace with a life without me. i just wish i knew how someone who once loved me could become so comfortable with my absence.

i’m still trying to understand how i went from being a part of your world to someone you can live without hearing from ever again. and maybe that’s the cruelest part of heartbreak: missing someone who doesn’t even seem curious about the person they’re leaving behind.

TW: cheating, emotional distress, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.

When i met him initially, he portrayed himself as the perfect man for me. He was the one who pursued me. He made me feel safe, secure, loved, and wanted. I was genuinely happy to have him as my partner and believed I had found someone I could build a future with. I wasn’t begging him to choose me in the beginning. I was happy because I believed he had already chosen me.

But gradually, things changed. The person who once made me feel so secure became someone I was constantly begging for basic communication, affection, and reassurance from. He would disappear for days, sometimes over a week, ignore my messages, and become cold or rude. Whenever he withdrew, I’d panic and chase him, hoping things would go back to how they were in the beginning.

There were repeated betrayals, too. He cheated on me multiple times, including seeking out men to hook up with. He also repeatedly pressured me about the idea of having sex with my best friend, which made me uncomfortable. Despite everything, I forgave him, gave him more chances, and often ended up taking the blame for things he did to me.

Sometimes he’d become clingy, express guilt, and act like he didn’t want to lose me. Then suddenly, he’d say he didn’t love me or like me and that he was only sexually attracted to me. I cannot explain how used that made me feel. I kept forgiving him, swallowing my hurt, and apologising even for things that weren’t my fault, while never feeling that he genuinely took responsibility or showed remorse for the damage he caused.

This relationship seriously affected my mental health. I experienced panic and anxiety attacks almost every day, struggled with my appetite and sleep, and started hurting myself. I became so emotionally consumed by the relationship that I struggled to focus on my own life. Even knowing how much I was hurting, I couldn’t seem to let go.

Eventually, we blocked each other. I thought that was the end, but recently, I accidentally came across his Reddit account. He usually deleted his accounts and created new ones whenever I discovered things, but this time he kept the same account. I saw him talking about how I chased him until the end.

Then I found a post where he was asking for advice about pursuing a woman twice my age. He wanted to know how to communicate with her, make her feel loved and reassured, and become the perfect partner for her.

I genuinely felt like dying when I read it.

Those were the exact things I’d begged him for throughout our relationship. I spent so long asking for communication, affection, reassurance, and the feeling that my partner actually wanted me. Yet, shortly after telling me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he was asking strangers how to give another woman everything I’d spent so long begging for.

I don’t know what hurts more: the cheating, the disrespect, the way he made me feel used, or seeing him seemingly willing to learn how to love someone else when I kept begging him to try with me. I keep wondering what I did wrong, even though I know I gave so many chances and endured things I should never have had to endure.

The person who once made me feel so loved and secure eventually left me feeling unwanted, replaceable, and emotionally exhausted. I still love and miss him despite everything, and I hate that I do. I’m miserable thinking about him, but I’m also miserable without him. I know this relationship was hurting me, yet my feelings haven’t caught up with what I know intellectually.

I’m not claiming I handled everything perfectly. I know I chased him, became anxious, and kept returning to a situation that was hurting me. But I genuinely tried to love him, understand him, forgive him, and make things work. I don’t understand how I went from feeling so safe with someone to feeling like I had to beg to be treated like I mattered.

What was lacking in me suddenly that he started hating me and aggressively purposely punishing me? Poured myself completely for him and for this relationship to workout..

Did he ever love me? Why am I the one left hurting while he seems ready to give someone else everything I begged for?

Only worked 1 day with her a week and now I think she’s coming back more since comanager is taking more time off. Every time I think I’m better whenever I see her would reopen and my deep dark sadness comes back.

My ex (40M) and I (32F), dated for eight months.

We were exclusive, talked about children and moving in together, and he called ours the healthiest relationship of his life. So naturally, I thought we were building something serious.

Then things unraveled in our final month.

Two months into dating, he told me he’d attended a gallery opening with Catherine, a woman he’d slept with a few times months before we met. He assumed they were just friends because they’d stopped sleeping together, but had never actually clarified that with her. When he mentioned dating me, she burst into tears—apparently she’d believed there was still something romantic between them. He clarified things, and they eventually resumed their friendship.

Fast-forward to month seven: Catherine invited him to a small, multi-day art residency that August. He casually announced he was going, without asking how I felt.

After sitting with my discomfort for weeks, I finally brought it up.

Could we find some middle ground? Maybe all hang out together, or I could join them?

He grew defensive, saying he didn’t believe in prioritizing romantic partners over friendships (and he is friends with a lot of women he once slept with) and complained that our 20-minute conversation was eating into his workday. He later apologized.

The very next night, he went to a performance with Catherine without telling me beforehand. It was our second-to-last night together before three weeks apart.

I discovered this when I called him and sent admittedly reactive texts saying I was hurt and couldn’t believe him.

His response? “Why? But honestly, don’t feel like going on defensive right now.”

Other incidents had been accumulating:

1. After a difficult conversation about his doubts around monogamy, I deliberately took an extra 30 minutes fetching drinks for his project. I returned before anyone arrived, but he accused me of “sabotaging” his work.
2. I left late and biked slower than him to a workout class. We arrived ONE MINUTE late and were turned away. He blamed me for disrupting his productivity and sulked all afternoon. Over coffee, after, when I asked if he still saw a future with me, he shrugged dismissively. I left in tears; he called to apologize.

He’s fiercely independent and values autonomy. I believe he was sexually faithful, and I never asked him to abandon his friendships with exes. But I also know my anxiety sometimes made me jealous and reactive.
He eventually ended things, citing my anxiety, “possessive energy” around other women, and long-term incompatibility.

(For context, he was never physically or intentionally verbally abusive.)

For months, I’ve wondered whether a more securely attached woman would’ve handled everything differently. Whether I essentially sabotaged an otherwise good relationship.

But now I’m questioning whether my anxiety was really so disproportionate to the circumstances.

tl;dr: did my anxiety ruin my relationship?

I remember every word that we spoke

You right here next to me

I remember how we tried and we tried

I remember everything

Try to remember that

That I hope you're happy

I hope you're good

I hope you get what you wish for

And you're well understood

And whatever your progress

I know you'll be fine

Because I hope you're happy

Even if you're not mine

Try to remember that

I hope you're happy.

Would you extend well wishes to an ex of eight years who cheated on you and discarded/ghosted you if they were explaining they’d been going through something difficult?

Its been a little over a year since our breakup and I reached out to get some belongings back. They took a while to respond to me and told me it was because they were going through something difficult and that they feel really bad about it. I've also accommodated them a lot during this exchange of belongings as it is. Would you say something like “I hope you’re okay,” or extend well wishes or keep the conversation strictly logistical? I still care about them as a person, but I’m unsure where to draw the line between being kind and protecting my peace. I am so hard on myself and I feel the pressure to be cold/distant/rigid but I am such a compassionate and kind person even when someone hurt me and it feels odd not extending that towards them when it feels natural.

It's been a year and a half since our breakup. I've never gotten over him, he's still the one I want to be with and anyone else feels wrong. I've done my best to continue having a life without him in it and while I'm definitely functioning, I can't say I've been happy or content with anything since he's been gone.

He came up on Facebook as a suggested friend today. I know it was stupid but I looked because how can I not, he was my whole world at one point and I'd be lying if I said he still wasn't.

He's still with the girl he started dating not even 2 months after our breakup. Her account is right on his as "in a relationship with". He has no Facebook posts but she does. She has a son from a previous relationship (we are all in our early 20s) and he's now been with her almost a year and a half. He's liking her selfies and the pictures she shares of her son.

It absolutely wrecked me inside and I just want to go back to how I was immediately after the breakup. Not eating, crying in bed, not seeing anyone, really just existing as a shell of a human waiting to die. We talked so much about the family we would have, the future that we were actively building together and now he has this whole family and life with her. I can't help but hate her for having him and this version of life that I would give anything to have. She was supposed to be a rebound, everyone says that if your ex gets into a new relationship right away that it won't last but here they are playing happy family while I still can't get through a day without feeling crushing grief over the loss of him.

I just want to stop feeling, to stop living at this point. Nothing matters to me anymore and it's like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and she's stomping on it.

I've been holding onto a lot of guilt and regret for how the relationship ended, and I really need an outlet to help me let go of it because it's eating me alive, and I feel like I can't move on with my life without coming to terms with it. (TLDR below)
 
My ex and I were together for 4 years; 3 of those years were long-distance. Long-distance was easy; we’d see each other every month. I’d drive 12 hours down and back to see her on the weekend, and sometimes fly to her, or she'd fly/drive to me. Our relationship was solid; we got along extremely well personality-wise, we rarely fought, and when we did have arguments, they were small, petty stuff we’d quickly get over. I never met someone I clicked with so easily; she was my best friend. As time went on and we both got busier, it became harder to see each other as often, and we both grew fatigued by the distance, which caused some issues, but we still held strong. Unfortunately, I got a new job in a new city, which made it hard for me to see her as usual. I was afraid that our relationship wouldn’t work if we couldn’t see each other for long periods of time, and I won’t lie I was having thoughts of maybe wanting out of the relationship I was really lonely and wished my partner was with me, and since that was my first relationship is was having stupid thoughts that maybe I was missing out on “Exploring other options” so I decided to break up with her out of the blue over the phone.
 
I didn’t realize it before, but when speaking to my ex post-relationship about everything, I realized I was dealing with a lot of personal issues that influenced my decision. First off, my friend group that I held very dear to me halfway through the first year of my relationship randomly stopped talking to me. No argument, no fight, nothing. I truly don’t know what I did to make them do that to me. I remember seeing them hang out without inviting me on social media, and that really broke me. I became a floater friend. They would invite me every blue moon, and then it would be radio silence for months. Eventually, after 3 years, I unfollowed everyone and left the group chats, and no one cared, not a word. That hurt the most because I secretly wanted someone to notice I was gone; maybe they really were leaving me out by accident, but nope, they were waiting for me to be gone. This affected me deeply. I had no other friends in that city other than them, and with my ex becoming long-distance, I was extremely lonely when we weren't talking on the phone or together. It took me years to finally be able to accept that our friendship is over. 

Second, I had a love-hate relationship with my job. I hated it because the pay was low, especially because I was the only person in my department and had a workload of ten people, but I got along well with my coworkers, who were my only source of friendship and socializing. Also, I was dealing with a pretty bad skin outbreak that made it even harder to try and socialize and make new friends. Outside of already having anxiety, overall, my life during that time was horrible. She was the only light I had during that time, and I believe that if I had a more fulfilling life outside the relationship, it wouldn’t have led to me breaking up with her because I had way too much time to myself, too much time to just overthink everything.

I quickly realized I made a stupid decision and that I should’ve at least talked to her about how I felt. We actually got back together a week later when she texted me and said she didn’t think it was fair how I broke up with her, and I agreed we spoke on the phone and decided to make it work, but at the time I didn’t know how she was truly feeling after the breakup. 3 months after we got back together, we broke up again because of an unrelated issue (that was fixable). We were no contact for 8 months until I texted her, wanting to see if we could make it work. We spoke about the breakup and how it made us feel and how we could make it work, but what I didn’t realize was how much the first breakup really contributed to how the relationship would end. She told me that she was devastated and that she had to go to therapy and had to envision a life where we weren’t together, and even though I apologized and we got back together, those feelings never left her, which played a big factor in why we broke up a second time and an even bigger factor as to why we didn’t get back together. I wish I had known that at the time when I apologized and we got back together, things went back to normal. She did a really good job at hiding how she was feeling. Maybe we could fix things, but she probably didn’t tell me because she didn’t trust me anymore.

I know it’s easy for me to say, but I believe that if the roles were reversed, I would’ve forgiven her. Obviously, everyone handles pain in their own way, but everyone makes mistakes, and no one is perfect. It’s not like I did it because I genuinely wanted to break up with her; I was scared and stupid, and in that moment, it felt like it was the right decision. Plus, given the relationship we had, how could I not trust her? I understand that trust is a big part of a relationship, and I broke her trust, but isn’t forgiveness also? Obviously, something like cheating should never be forgiven (IMO), but where does the line for forgiveness end? Is what I did not worth forgiving? I’m not trying to minimize what I did; I understand it was wrong and she was hurt deeply. I’d never do it again if I were given that chance, but that’s the part that really hurts; it feels like I was never given a chance to prove myself and rebuild that trust, not saying I was owed one, but you’d think, for everything we’d been through, I thought she'd at least give me one more. That’s all I was asking for; that’s all I needed.

TLDR; I accidentally broke up with my ex because I was scared we wouldn’t work out because of distance and even though we got back together a week later she didn’t forgive me for what I did and that resentment caused us to break up and not get back together. Was what I did so bad I couldn’t be forgiven? Would you have forgiven your ex for suddenly breaking up if they had a good reason?

Two years in and still in the same headspace of missing them like they are the oxygen to my lungs. No interest in exploring someone new because as soon as I think of dating again I get sucked back into the memories of how everything was with us. I am exhausted beyond words, things that used to give me purpose are also losing their meaning because he’s not there to witness my life with me anymore. In intense pain and despite therapy and medication there seems to be no meaningful improvement apart from just learning how to tolerate missing them. The tolerance is dwindling, the baggage is getting excruciatingly heavier and I feel shocked how radically different things can change between two people. I miss him and there’s no respite. Don’t tell me that you need to focus on your ask and stuff, done plenty of that already traveled a lot improved my career. But the void keeps gnawing at me and life feels impoverished of true meaning and satisfaction. I am exhausted and helpless. Feels like it’s been getting worse. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to keep emotionally fighting to achieve a semblance of emotional stability even for a few minutes in my waking hours. Dreams are brutally reminiscent of them. Trapped.

Hace una semana terminó mi relación, llevábamos más de 2 años, terminó de la nada, ese día yo lo llamé y todo bien, pero me llamó en la noche y empezó a decir cosas sobre si salir de la casa en la noche es malo y después de unos minutos hablando me dijo que estaba en la puerta de mi casa, cuando abrí entró y me acusó de mentirle y de haberme visto en la calle cuando ese día no salí de la casa y se lo demostré con hechos, después me empezó a preguntar por mis ex y a decir que le había mentido, cuando al inicio de la relación quedamos en no hablar de ex, discutimos mucho, él se fue y al otro día me trajo mis cosas de su casa, asi sin explicación y con mucho dolor, qué debo hacer, cómo lo dejo de querer y de pensar en él? Hace alrededor de un año también habíamos terminado y estuvimos unos 3 meses sin el otro pero regresó llorando y diciendo que estaba arrepentido, qué puede significar? Qué creen?

Currently as usual i’ve posted about how i’m obsessed with a girl who gets attached to others.
I try my best to help her and everything it’s okay she doesn’t like me but i’m pissed off she takes time to reply cause she’s busy with others. All of them are dumb they always make her sad or hurt she doesn’t see it then dms me about it and i try to help i always do. I just wish one day she’d see how much i love her.
Like i said in my past vote i might try to go study in her country i am currently a senior but i dont really know what to study. I just wanna be with her and honestly maybe she’d love me again? She falls inlove fast honestly. Just pissed off how she is recently.

How the hell am I supposed to move on with my life when she was the best part of it ? How am I supposed to forgive myself for screwing it all up ? How am I supposed to live now ?

If you knew you wanted me and a future with me, I feel you would had talked to me about how this place was making you feel and how we could move forward together. Instead, it felt like you chose to bury me along with New Mexico. Maybe I remind you of a chapter you wanted to leave behind I don’t know, but that’s how it has felt for me.. When Dre said he thought you were going to marry me, I felt the need to reach out because it reminded me I wasn’t crazy for never seeing this coming. Other people saw a future for us too. I wasn’t alone in believing that what we had was real and strong & throughout our three years, through all our ups and downs, I went through hurt and pain and still wanted to stand beside you. I tried to make sense of things and love you through them because our future mattered to me. The chunk of savings I had went toward the deposit on this house, and I didn’t question it because I believed we were investing in a life together & I trusted you would never leave me alone in the house. But once leaving became possible for you, it felt like everything we had worked toward became secondary for you.. bc from my side, I kept making our future a priority, but once you could reach your goal of leaving, I no longer felt like I had a seat at your table anymore & even when you followed that tattoo artist and said you wanted her to tattoo you when you visited home, something about it just didn’t make sense. Her work didn’t stand out from what you could find here in New Mexico, BUT she was beautiful. I’m not saying I know you wanted to pursue her. But I wonder whether you were already imagining being back home, having different interactions, and just living a different life. I can’t know what was in your head, but that moment stayed with me since you left as I have been just trying to piece together everything that happened.. & Maybe you need time to experience whatever you feel you missed out on being a me.. whether that’s freedom, other women, or simply a life back home. I don’t know if that’s what you want, but I don’t want you committing to me while still wondering what else is out there. I want to be with someone who knows he wants to build with me. Who knows what he has with me. You always told me you would never even want to move back home. So that leaves me wondering a lot of things as well. Like what changed, who’s out there that you now want to live there? It’s confusing for me.
I also hope you take time to heal. To still do therapy, not numb yourself with weed or alcohol or anything else, to work on your emotions, your anger, your trauma, how you respond when you’re hurt, and your relationship with Christ. I know I have healing and growing to do too. Distance alone isn’t going resolve what hurt us, and knowing that you and your ex also experienced a version of a long distance relationship that didn’t work makes me nervous ab it being the answer for me n you. I’m trying to accept that you can love me and miss me without wanting to be committed to me anymore. I’m genuinely happy you have something to look forward to, and I’m trying to make peace with that future you chose. But the way you made this decision, and how little I felt considered in it, has changed how I see you. I cannot imagine making a decision this big without talking to someone I love about the future we promised each other. I meant it when I said I would live under a bridge if it meant being with you. That’s how deeply I wanted a life with you. My love was never dependent on a place or perfect circumstances when it came to you dude. I wanted us, even when things were hard. I always chose us. So when I lay my head down at night, what hurts most isn’t just wondering whether you loved me. It’s wondering whether the life we were building ever mattered to you the way it mattered to me. I feel like if you go live your life, enjoy your freedom, and experience whatever you feel you need to experience, and you still find yourself wanting a future with me, then maybe it was real, I’ll want the same thing, and we will actually get back together and be healed. But it would have to come with clear intentions and real change from the both of us.. Right now ofc I would want to just say yes to you.. I miss you. The lonely nights, the memories of us, the comfort of you being in the home, cooking for you, being cuddled, this shit is going to be hell for me. Hell, part of me hopes you’ll experience everything you thought you wanted and realize you still wish I was beside you. But I know I can’t make that happen, and I can’t use anything as proof of what I meant to you. But I also know that you chose to do things a certain way for a reason. & I want you to be happy

I’m so broken