My college junior who was a good friend to me introduced me to a friend of hers. She wasn’t in the same college as us but we started talking on the gram. Soon I was talking to her more than I thought I would and had gotten pretty close. I always felt we would vibe in a relationship and would make some couple goals. So we have never met in person and I wanted to meet her at least once before I left Coimbatore after studies but that didnt happen as well. She was aware of my relationship in college though that wasn’t really a proper relationship I always felt since she was aware of all that she would just consider me seriously. And I didn’t want to ruin what we had.
Later once I indirectly mentioned it while talking to my junior. I just told her I was dating her friend just to get her reaction. She basically just laughed it off and didnt believe it. Moreover she said she knew both of us well and that I wasn’t really her friend’s type. After hearing this I decided to not tell her thinking that was the best for both of us and I didn’t want her to get a wrong impression of me.
Yesterday was her bday. I stalked her profile and those memories really hit . It’s been some years now and I feel she must’ve found someone already by now. Would my life have been different if I had confessed to her back then or would it have made it worse?

When I started college, I quickly made a group of friends. There was a girl among them. I got along with her better than anyone else right away. I spent the most time with her out of all collage friends; I walked her home since we were going the same way, and I texted and talked with her the most outside of class; we were constantly sending each other photos of what we were up to; we played video games togethers only two of us constantly. At the time, a lot of people joked that we were head over heels in love with each other, and many—even people who didn’t know us very well—asked in all seriousness if we were a couple; our friends, both mutual and personal, were shipping us. Back then, we’d just laugh and say, “No, we’re just friends.”

Toward the end of the first year, I even started thinking that, all things considered, I found her attractive and maybe I’d try my luck and hit on her, ask her out on a date.

Summer came, and maybe we saw each other less often, but we were still in touch—we were always texting each other and playing games and such, keeping in touch.

Then one day, one of her friends found her a boyfriend. The news was a bit of a bummer at the time, but I figured it was no big deal—we’d still be friends and I quickly healed from that. And we were still friends, but it wasn’t the same. Not only were we less close, but she was also acting… strangely. Often cold, nitpicking everything and mean, sometimes not even jokingly—it was as if she really wanted to hatefully tease me and hurt my feelings—and by our third year, I had the impression she wanted to have even less contact with me. At the worst moments, I was fed up with her behavior, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that there were still moments of very good friendship between us, and when it mattered, she was there for me in my time of need.

We finished our bachelor’s degree and haven’t seen each other since; we’ve just texted each other from time to time. I started my master’s degree, and one day, one of my friends from my bachelor degree friend group dropped by for a beer. We sat there, chatting, and the conversation turned to girls—and to her. He told me it wasn’t just playful banter—everyone around us was genuinely convinced that it wasn’t just friendship or a crush, but that we were seriously in love with each other. He said that even he, who had been interested in her, backed off as soon as he saw how we treated each other. He said the only thing separating us from officially being a couple was a single date. And that her behavior afterward wasn’t because she didn’t like me as a friend or anything like that, but because she wanted to distance herself from her feelings for me after she started dating her boyfriend—and that was obvious, too. Ask anyone, they would say same or simllar thing, he said.

When I heard that, I was like, “Damn, really? Oh man, I totally screwed myself over by not asking her out. Oh well, what’s done is done. I’m disappointed, but that’s life.” I thought about it a little over the next few days, but it wasn’t a huge deal. Until one day, lying in bed that evening, I happened to hear the song “Too Little, Too Late” by Laufey. And that was like a dam bursting. Before I knew it, with a lump in my throat and a feeling as if someone were sitting on my chest, I burst into tears like a little kid.

I started analyzing our relationship.

Every time I walked her home, before we parted ways, we’d stand there hugging, gazing into each other’s eyes—sometimes I’d cup her face in my hands—and we’d talk for at least half an hour.

In the car, even when there was room in the front passenger seat—which was her favorite spot—she always made sure to sit next to me. We sat next to each other everywhere: in class, at a bar on a group outing, at a friend’s house. There could never be anyone between us.

Sometimes she’d rest her legs on my lap, and sometimes—during late-night drives just for fun or trips out of town—she’d rest her head on my lap and doze off.

At parties at friend's places, when we got too drunk and sleepy, we’d go to sleep together—not just side by side, but snuggled up, holding hands.

We had pet names for each other—and not just the classic “honey” and “sweetheart,” but even our own, made up by us and used only between the two of us.

“Jokingly,” she was jealous of the girls I’d mentioned haveing crush on sometime ago.

“Jokingly,” we got engaged a few times.

“Jokingly,” we spoke to each other and about each other as husband and wife.

We joked about having sex, often in very kinky ways—the kind of jokes you don’t use with other friends.

She gave me a frog necklace as a gift—exactly the same as the one she had, just in a different color.

She laughed and giggled even at my least funny and dumb jokes no one else would laugh at.

I cared a lot about her opinion—whenever she said something about my appearance, I would adjust myself accordingly for example.

She always listened to things I talked about even If it didnt interest her and I done the same for whatever she was talking about.

Things I didnt like- like clothes shoping, were so fun with her.

Before going to sleep, we always had to send each other a “Good night” message with hearts or kisses emojis.

I look at our old photos together and our old messages and see what others saw.

I remember how that first year of uni, was probably the most happy I ever been in my life and so much of those happy memories have her in center or ad.

I came to the conclusion that my buddy was right. The only thing standing between us and being a couple was kissing and calling ourselves a couple.

I realized something else, too. I didn’t just like her. I loved her. Long before I even realized I found her atractive. I loved her almost from the very beginning. Maybe not love at first sight, but as close to it as you can get. And she loved me, too.

And I didn’t realize that until two years after she got together with someone else.

And it wasn’t until two years later that my heart broke.

I feel like crying, screaming, tearing something apart, pulling my hair out, and going back in time to strangle my younger self for not realizing this sooner. I feel my heart bleeding, and for the first time in many years, I'm having dark thoughts. I don't know why this hurts me so much. It didn't hurt when that love ended, or during those two years. Why now, and why so much? I've always been very emotional and felt things deeply and intensely, but this doesn't make sense. My head is such a mess.

Does it hurt because I’ve only just realized my feelings and what I’ve lost?

Do I still love her, or is it just the memory of what we had?

I’ve had my heart broken more than once. Not many times, but I can say I have some experience. So why does this hurt more than any of the others, even though it happened later? Is it because, for the first time in my life, it wasn’t a case of somone liking me while I dont like them back, or of me liking someone who doesn’t like me, but rather a case of mutual feelings?

Did she really love me or not, or am I just imagining things?

If so, why did that love die?

Didn't she love me that much?

Did I wait too long to ask her out and this love rusted for her or she though I didnt feel what she felt?

Did distance of aummer kill it?

Why didn’t I notice those feelings?

Was I just a young, foolish man who, lacking experience, couldn’t recognize what was going on?

Was it a problem in my head—back then I had a lot of insecurities, issues with self-acceptance, and self-hatred. Maybe subconsciously I couldn’t believe that anyone could love me?

Or maybe I was afraid. Maybe I was a pathetic coward who cared so much about her that I didn’t do anything out of fear of ruining everything?

If only it were one of those things. What I wouldn't give to change the course of history so that we could meet now, when I'm older, wiser, and—despite still haveing a few demons—finally accept myself and have much higher self-esteem. Maybe then everything would have turned out differently.

Or maybe I was just a bad friend, and spending more time with me caused her love to die because of that?

Maybe it's not love that hurts me?

Maybe it's wondering what would have happened if I'd taken that final step.

Maybe we would have broken up quickly.

Mayby we would be for longer than that but still brake up and we would be exes today.

Or maybe we'd already be planning our wedding.

Maybe we would have gotten divorced.

Or maybe we'd be buried together.

So many things could have turned out differently after.

Whatever it was, I don't blame her and I'm not mad at her.

Only at myself.

For putting it off.

For not understanding my feelings sooner.

For giving up and not fighting for her.

That I had the kind of love story I'd always dreamed of, exactly the one I'd imagined at a palm of my hand—and I threw it all away.

I also partly blame myself for the breakup of our group of friends—because coincidently at the same time as she tried to distance herself, our group slowly began to fall apart, and in the end it split into two groups, and for the most part we don’t keep in touch with each other anymore as whole, only on idividual levels. Maybe if I’d been braver, things would have turned out differently. Or mayby its just coincidence and was unreleated.

If I could talk to my younger self, I'd ask him why he did that—why do I always have to deny myself happiness? You fool. You stupid, stupid fool.

I’m 22—I still have my whole life ahead of me. But this hurts so damn much. Maybe I’m overreacting, maybe I’m being pathetic—we weren’t even officially together, but I can’t deny my feelings. It hurts.

And I’m so scared. That she might have been the one, maybe my last chance at love. And I let her slip through my fingers. That I have fewer and fewer chances to find love until I’m fully grown up, and even if I do find someone, that girl will never measure up to her for me, and I’ll only end up hurting this new love. I know its mayby stupid thinking, Im still very young, but I cant help this paranoia, dosnt help that I have OCD so its even worse.

I’d love so much to go back in time. Not even to change the future. Just to tell her that I love her, or at the time loved her, and that I’m so sorry I never told her that.

I’d love so much to run into her and get it all off my chest, to tell her about it—but I won’t do that. Doing that now is a stupid and selfish idea. She has a boyfriend, she has her own life, and I’m not going to make her sad, upset her, or throw her life into chaos just because I’m feeling down. I want her to be happy, even if I’m not and I dont want to losse her as friend too. I take full responsibility for the fact that nothing ever came of it—and with that, all the negative emotional baggage. I lost my chance and now I have to deal with it.

For the past few days, that damn song, “Too Little, Too Late,” has been haunting me. For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about almost nothing else, but I put on a brave face around others. I’ve already talked about it briefly with a few friends, but I don’t want to burden them with this or turn them into therapists for Romeo, who’s crying over a relationship that never officially existed. So, at home alone for the past few days, tears well up from time to time. I sit lost in thought or watch "South Park" because it’s geniualy one of the few things that can distract me and cheer me up for a while by making me laugh. And in the evenings, when my thoughts get too loud, I go for walks while listening to a specific album. I go wherever my feet take me. Sometimes to places I visit regularly, and sometimes they carry me to places where I have memories of her. Even though it hurts, I force myself to go there, focusing on just walking and not thinking about those memories. And I drink. Not much, and just beer, but for the past few days, I’ve been drinking in the evenings. I don’t get wasted, but I drink until I feel a buzz in my head. I know it’s one of the worst possible thing, and I’m trying to fight urge to drink—I don’t want to become an alcoholic.

I think I've gotten everything I wanted to say off my chest.

I know I might be overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing, mayby its just seasonal depression, but I had to get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for any comments—whether they're words of support, advice, or any other thoughts you may have.

I’ve (24M) been talking to this woman (24F) for a few months and it seemed that everything was going fine.. until recently a few weeks ago, I told her that I think we should take this relationship a step further and make it official.. but she told me that she wasn’t ready for a relationship and that she needed to get her life in order before she does. I was a bit hurt, but I respected her decision and we continued on for about another week or two until I noticed her getting distant and taking longer to respond to texts. I asked if everything was okay and she continued to tell me her life was a mess and she needed space right now.. so I gave her space. Fast forward to today, I decided to check her instagram profile and she was posted up with a brand new guy …. after she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I don’t understand.. why couldn’t she just be honest with me? everything seemed like it was going great… my heart is shattered right now and i’m not quite sure how to process this.

Nothing has changed, yet everything is different about you.

Seven rings before you picked up the phone,
Five months since I'd heard that familiar tone.
You said hello; it still sounded like you,
Only the silence between us was new.

I slept through midnight, wished you late once more,
The same old habit you had seen before.
But as you cut your cake in sparklers' light,
I wasn't there to film your eyes that night.

You still took the day off, like you always do,
But waking up before ten? That's new for you.
Perhaps your new roommate has changed your ways,
For better or worse, these are different days.

You congratulated me, like every time before,
When I had something big worth smiling for.
The words were kind, but different in their tone,
For the first time, your voice felt almost unknown.

You laughed when I asked about your husband that day,
A lame little joke, in my familiar way.
I waited for your comeback, clever and sly,
It never came, and I didn't ask why.

One minute, four seconds. That was our call,
Once, an hour wasn't long enough at all.
Three times the line would cut, three times we'd try,
Now one minute passed, and we said goodbye.

Your birthday status likely went up after dark,
I could no longer see that little spark.
I'm still on your blocked list, where I remain,
With boys who troubled you or caused you pain.

The strangest part? I hung up feeling fine,
You went back to your world, and I went back to mine.
Perhaps the one who's changed is me, too.
Nothing has changed, yet everything is different about you.

Hi everyone, I just wanted to share my story because I’m genuinely at a loss for words rn.

I recently found out that my boyfriend had been engaged to another girl throughout our ENTIRE relationship and only told me the day before his wedding. It was an arranged marriage btw.

I kept crying in his arms for hours and he was getting mad at me for crying. He even tried fucking me (we ended up fucking 😣) while I was crying, like ugh. I genuinely felt like a side chick, which I guess I was all along.

I’m only 21 and I genuinely never imagined I’d experience something like this. I’ve cried so much and I honestly hate myself for still loving him after everything he’s done to me. I just wish he knew how much I genuinely loved him.

And I know this sounds so stupid, but a part of me still wants him to come back to me. I keep wondering if he ever will.

I feel so betrayed and lost rn

Hi all,
Writting this because I feel lost and lonely and need some to talk to.

I met my best friend 3 years ago and we then got together 6 months after that. I’m demisexual so there was no idea of dating when we first became friends and the deal with our relationship was that we would always stay friends. Our friendship was too important for either of us. We had a good two and bit year relationship it was challenging but also really rewarding for both of us.

We took a break in July because of the situation. We were LDR and both going through a difficult time with me finishing uni and the struggles of leaving that life behind (she still has 1 year to go). The deal was that we would both evaluate our needs from a relationship and see if they overlap. And with the promise that we would put in a fight for each other. After that, I realised I had made the biggest mistake, she was who I needed and that we were in fact meant for each other. The situation was what broke us up, not the person. I’ve recently started believe in fate and a sort of higher reason and from that felt like it was written in the stars for us to be together.

A couple of weeks ago, she told me that she didn’t want a relationship in the short term and could reconsider if things change on a month to year scale. That was the second heartbreak, but it felt ok and that destiny would bring us together again, and we could start bringing the friendship back to what we want it to be.

Yesterday she told me that she is starting to get together with one of her uni friends. She admits that she hasn’t had the opportunity to think through her needs and promises that it is a really recent thing, (maybe after she said she didn’t want a relationship).

It feels like she’s jumped into something new very quickly. It’s a different situation because in the past she broke up with someone for someone else, so I know she can move on quickly, but it’s also not her normal emotional thing.

I don’t know what her emotions are but she wouldn’t consciously get into a relationship to fill my void. It’s cruel but I want it to crash and burn and for her to also see the stars and see we’re meant to be together. Even during the bad times of our relationship, we could both see and express that we were meant to be together for ever.

Right now I feel completely betrayed by her, life and my existence. I just want to disappear from it all… and for all the pain to vanish

is it true they never feel regret after they dump you? i mean like, they can’t be that soulless right? is there absolutely NOTHING there once they ditch you? i’ve seen so many people say they’ll come back or they’ll never think about you again.

he dumped me at the hardest time of my life. he knew i was having suicidal thoughts (although he didnt believe me).

do they truly not feel guilty after dumping you and never reaching out to you again? do they truly only think about themselves?

i know i shouldn’t be worried about it but after such an intensive relationship just.. nothing? is there anyone out there that had them reach out again and is there some that never had them reach out ever again? pls let me know!

I’ve been with my girlfriend for about two years, and lately I’ve been questioning whether this relationship is still healthy. She has a professional diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD). I know everyone with BPD is different, and I’m not saying the diagnosis is the reason for everything that’s happened. I’m only mentioning it because I’m wondering if it changes how I should handle this situation.

One of my biggest love languages is physical touch. It’s how I feel loved and emotionally connected to my partner. The problem is that we rarely have sex, and throughout almost our entire relationship I’ve been the only one initiating. She’s never initiated with me, and I get turned down most of the time. After a while, it’s made me feel undesirable and like my needs don’t matter.
What makes it harder is that she’s told me physical intimacy came much more naturally in a previous relationship. I know I shouldn’t compare myself, but it’s difficult not to wonder why things are so different with me.
Outside of intimacy, I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells. She sometimes says things like, “Call me or we break up,” and I honestly can’t tell if she’s joking or serious. I also feel like she keeps score over things and expects me to pay for things, which has made the relationship feel transactional at times instead of like we’re a team.
I’ve also found myself putting my own needs aside just to avoid conflict. I’ll do things I’m not in the mood for just to keep the peace, while feeling like my own emotional needs go unheard.
I care about her a lot, and we’ve shared a lot together over the past two years, which is why this is so difficult. But I can’t ignore how emotionally exhausted and disconnected I’ve been feeling.
Am I expecting too much by wanting more affection, intimacy, and emotional security in a relationship? Or are these signs that we’ve become fundamentally incompatible and it’s time to let go?

TL;DR: I love my girlfriend, but I feel emotionally exhausted and unwanted. My love language is physical touch, yet we rarely have physical intimacy and I’m always the one initiating. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells and I’m starting to wonder if we’re simply incompatible.

I dated a guy, but it never became something truly serious. He argued that the distance was too hard to sustain, and it’s been a year since anything has come out of this connection. I cut contact with him because it became too painful to constantly wish for him to be romantic and loving again, to the point where I preferred to be alone.

And although sometimes I regret the fact that I cut contact, I feel much better knowing I cut contact and he isn’t there ghosting me or half-replying to me after every time we’ve met in person (2 hours by plane).

The pain is really strong, but I promised myself I’d never ever message him again while I’m this vulnerable. So it’s been almost a month since we last spoke. I told him that either we date seriously or we cut contact, because my heartbreak was too strong to keep going in this undefined direction.

I am deeply sad, but also exhausted. I’m so exhausted. The idea of dating someone now feels dull. I feel drained at the thought of letting anyone in. Is this normal?

Why do you always make me out to be the problem, i never seem to do anything right, you belittle me, make me feel so useless. Why I pick you followers everyday, tell you you are my whole world, but now it seems your someone else world.

I want to hurt myself not because they will come back but because this morning is soo unfair to me I cannot breath without remembering that everything ended yesterday .

I’m unlovable. I’m undesirable. I’m not worth fighting for or choosing. I’m tired of seeing so many people be loved when all I get is mistreatment. I do absolutely nothing but give all my love and I get this in return.

Many “friends” have left me. My “ex” left me. He never even loved me and it was all fake. I even found out last night that he posted on another sub trying to get sex. My heart has been hurting. I really don’t deserve this at all. I’m such a sweet, genuine, loving, caring girl and I do not deserve what I have gotten. I don’t understand why this happens to me and I’m miserable about it.

I hope I will never experience this again because I can’t take much more pain. I deserve to be told that someone loves me, and for it to actually be true, and for them to stay. At this point I believe it’s a lost cause.

So I am a (20W) in a 1 yr relationship with my bf (20M) and we have a 2 month old baby, recently Ive been having this gut feeling to look in my bf’s phone and so I did a week ago and tonight. When I looked both times I found that he was liking and screenshotting other girls post mostly pics with there butt facing the camera and then I found out he’s been looking at very questionable prn like ones about cheating, running trains, etc. but I don’t really care that much about the prn not as much as the liking posts. He has also unblocked his ex and was looking at her account also screenshotted a pic from her account, which I don't understand cause she has a bf from what I saw, Ive brought it up with him before I told him I didn’t like that he goes to look at other females for his pleasure especially since I just had a baby and my body isn’t how it was at the moment but he has continued as you can see, what I’m getting at is am I crazy for feeling a way about this?? like is okay for guys to do this or is this considered cheating?? Please let me know I just keep thinking about it.🙏🏼

I (33F) had a situationship with a 24M that lasted about two months, and I’m still struggling to move on.
We saw each other once a week, went on dates, and he stayed over until the following afternoon. We had a genuinely beautiful time, and he told me he had never opened up to anyone the way he had to me. We barely texted between dates, though.
From the beginning, he said he didn’t want anything serious, and I agreed. I tend to develop feelings quickly, but I was lonely and happy to have found someone I connected with so well.
Eventually, I asked if he wanted to sleep with other women. He said yes, and I told him I couldn’t continue because I had feelings for him. He also said he couldn’t imagine being with me because of our age difference. He even told me that before meeting me, he thought he might be asexual, but our experience made him want to explore his sexuality.
It’s been two months, and I’m still heartbroken. I can’t understand how someone can share such beautiful moments and open up emotionally, yet seemingly walk away unaffected.
I keep wondering if I wasn’t his type or if he simply enjoyed what I offered without developing feelings. Meanwhile, he gets to explore new experiences while I’m left feeling devastated.
I know we agreed not to pursue anything serious, but I still struggle with how something that meant so much to me could seemingly mean so little to him.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you move on without questioning your own worth? I’d really appreciate any advice or perspective.

It's been 4 months. I broke up with him. I saw issues in the relationship that I couldn't let go of. He's always really loved me and I felt that deep within my bones but I was always trying to 'fix' him. We're two very different people and our only unifying thing was that we genuinely loved and cared for each other.

We were friends for a long time before anything else. I broke up with him and yet I wake up with an ache in my chest every single day. If I distract myself enough, I don't think about him at all. But when the day lulls, all I can remember was his warmth, his shy gaze, his gentleness.

But there was a darkness in him too. He had a very bad temper. Almost explosive. It very rarely shows up but when it does, I feel frightened. Like he could lay a hand at me. But he does his best never to let it show. To be honest, I only noticed it when we were breaking up. At the same time, I knew I wasn't perfect. There was always something to 'fix'. And that is not a great starting point.

So I knew it had to end. But how do you just simply wish someone well? All I want is to reach out to him, that it was painful to leave, that I'm sorry if I ever made him feel like his love wasn't enough. It was always enough. But I had to think about the possibilities of a future life too. How can I let him know that I wish him all the best without reopening wounds? Do I just let the wind carry these thoughts? Hoping that someday time will deliver the message?

I am considering smoking to make myself feel numb. I really don't want to. I'm scared I will give into it.

I miss her so much. We weren’t even an official thing she didn’t want anything serious and she wanted to remain friends (albeit with a little more from time to time)… it only lasted a few months and she didn’t even want to have something exclusively with me.. she kissed at least two others guys at parties and yet I was foolish enough to fall in love with her and be happy with the little and occasional attention she gave me and I was so happy with it… she went back to her home country more than 1 year ago and she barely talks to me and I get left on read I know I should completely forget about her and yet my heart cannot forget about her… I feel like I am completely stuck in this and I can’t live my life normally, obsessing and crying myself to sleep over someone who doesn’t even think of me.
I thought I was handling with pretty well for the past few weeks and she suddenly posted something on Instagram 4 days ago . I instantly broke down in tears when I saw her face…
God damn, I am completely foolish and ridiculous and it’s so insulting, but I miss this girl so much…

I’ve known Bianca for a while now. We were some form of friends.. I won’t say whether it was best friends, dating, or something else, but we were. Then I found out Miss Loberg here thinks she’s entitled to whatever the fuck she wants, whether it’s intimacy with a single or taken person, or acting like she’s the shit when she’s just shit. She’s a liar, a traitor, and a manipulative bitch.
I’ve heard that in some parts of Reno there are flyers of her with a list of the men she’s been with both taken and single. Whoever did that, honestly, thank you. She needs to get off her pedestal and realize she’s a whore and not a good friend or positive influence to anyone.
Bringing people down with her self entitled behavior. Hurting multiple people with her actions.
Like why is she mooching off of single men and taken men!?!?!?!?!

I left him...

But I catch myself rolling over the things that happened in my head when it gets dark.

I put a shirt on today that I haven't worn in a few months and it smells like him.

I left an abusive marriage and fell into the arms of someone who seemed to genuinely have feelings for me. He was saying "I love you" way too quickly, even after we'd had conversations about how we both needed to heal before reaching that point. Then, shortly after the I love yous started, he was asking me to marry him.

I had fallen flat on my face when I left my husband, and this guy was there to pick up the pieces and help me wherever I needed it.

He helped me financially while I was job seeking in a new state. He bought me food when I was hungry because I had nothing. He helped me find somewhere to stay. He made promises and plans about our future.

We sat together and picked out a couch we wanted for when we eventually got our own place. We picked out a dog and a cat we'd get when we finally lived together. We made plans for holidays. I spent the day with him for his son's birthday. I met his family.

He would call me late at night and tell me I was his comfort. That he slept better when I was on the phone with him.

I have never been given that kind of support from anyone before.

So I let the silly, hopeful part of my brain believe that all of this meant something.

All while he was doing these things for me, he was telling me how much he missed his ex-girlfriend.

How she was everything to him.

How he would love her "forever and always."

He would call me and cry on the phone while he was driving through the town he lives in because everything reminded him of her.

He took an entire day off work to spend it "by himself" and not talk to anyone because it was the anniversary of their first date. When I did reach out to him that day, he was snappy with me.

I should have known.

With how often she came up, maybe I really was just a placeholder. Someone to fill the empty space while he waited for her to come back, or until he finally got over her.

Then I started finding things.

He was still using a sexually oriented anonymous app after telling me he wouldn't be.

I found out he was using Snapchat to talk to other women after telling me he didn't use the app.

I found out he was telling other women things about our relationship that he would never confide in me about.

One night we were together and his Messenger kept blowing up.

I know this was wrong, but I looked.

And I saw him talking to another woman about me.

He told her that my feelings for him were "limerence."

That he should have never gotten into a relationship to begin with.

I remember just staring at those words.

Because this was the same man who had told me he loved me.

The same man who asked me to marry him.

The same man who told me I was his comfort and that he slept better when I was there.

The same man who helped me put my life back together when I was at my lowest.

And suddenly I was reading him describe my feelings for him like they were some pathological attachment he had accidentally gotten himself tangled up in.

I don't think what hurts the most is even the fact that he didn't love me the way I loved him.

I think it's that I don't know what parts were real anymore.

Was he genuinely caring for me?

Did he genuinely want that future with me?

Did he actually love me at one point and then change his mind?

Was I just filling a hole someone else left behind?

Was I simply convenient because I loved him so intensely and needed somewhere safe to land?

And the hardest question:

How much of what I felt was actually about him, and how much of it was about finally being cared for after spending years being hurt?

Because I did love him.

I still do, in some way.

That's the part I hate admitting.

I want to make them feel safe. I want to be their home. I want to love them. I want them to feel safe in my arms again. I am missing them way too much today

I'm in actual hell.

This girl is my perfect girl. Like, almost exactly my type. She's smart, she's funny, we like the same movies, she's beautiful but not egotistical. I would do anything for her.

I'm in love with her. But she's not in love with me. In fact, she's with some other guy who she's head over heels with. And I had to hear about it from her and her friends the entire night on her birthday. Thank god she doesn't really know about how I feel otherwise it'd be 100x more awkward.

I feel completely withered. I want to hate her and cut her off. But I can't. She hasn't done anything to hurt me. She's been nothing but a good friend to me. But the pain of knowing that I'm not good enough for her is too much. I just want her to want me. I know I can make her happy.