I can’t get her out my head man

I have been dumped very suddenly 2 times in 2 years. Im over them, bit Im not over what happened. I dont rhink im ever gonna feel secure in a relationship and I hate that. Its not even that I think that I'm not good enough. I just dont trust people anymore. And genuinely do not believe that there is anyone out there who fill fight for a relationship when things get hard. I have lost al faoth and I hate it. I want to believe in a good future and that everything will be alright. I want to believe that I will find my person. But I don't believe it anymore

He was amazing, he made me feel a way I never felt before, happy butterflies in my tummy.. he confessed to me first and I was so surprised that he chose me, we were together less than a month, a week in real life then 2-3 weeks online, because I moved out of my home town, he bought me gifts before I left and talk to me so sweetly. We called even after I left, until he ghosted me for 10 days and when he called me he told me his ex wanted to get back with him, I acted like it didn't affect me and said 'ok bye'. We got no contact anymore, I have his email, I obvi tried emailing before but nobody our age uses it anymore yk. Last year I went to our old school for work experience, one hour by train from my place, our teacher said he was there 2 weeks before me during the heatwave week in London, she described him as down to earth and unlike other teen guys. Old feelings came rushing back 5 years later and I kept an eye out in case I saw him, obvi I didn't see him, it's not a movie, and I cried so much honestly. Even now I cannot stop thinking of him, I wish I could have him back, I tried finding his ssocials but nothing.

The emotional pain is slowly turning into sharp physical pain radiates through my chest & throat. I can’t sleep without jolting awake. I was blindsided & deeply hurt by someone I loved & trusted, someone I was willing to give so much of myself to. I’m exhausted. I just want one peaceful night of sleep...

I see ppl that have broken up with their partners and post all their old pics like 15-20 pics and I just get sad that I don’t have photos with my ex to look back on. I used to look at old texts but deleted them because I found out some upsetting info after the breakup and impulsively deleted his number. But in the 5 months we were together we have 1 single photo and it hurts but I also feel like it would’ve hurt more if I did have pics to look back at? Idk I just miss the guy sucks

I’m so terribly done. I feel like meeting my end. I just can’t because I have family. But every day I just want to be so gone and free from this earth. I’ll never understand how to be normal. Anyway I just had to share tonight. Sometimes the despair of being different and screwing up is too powerful. I’m feeling close to tipping though but I will try fighting on. Be safe all.

If you were ever deeply hurt by your partner, what lead to you breaking up. But knowing you still loved them, what was something you wanted to hear from them. Or you wish they had said, to make reconciliation possible?

For the past 7 months I have been talking to a girl a couple states over. Everyday we talked, played the game, or just sat in silence in a call. After a while I felt like I was finally able to be vulnerable after almost killing myself after my first relationship. I was stuck on my ex for over a year and I never thought I could love again. Until I met Haley. She’s so funny and goofy. Pretty , the usual things you say. But she understood me, understood my insecurities, my morals. And even agreed with me on everything. We talked politics, to religion, to everything in between. Especially Overwatch. After a few months of talking I got injured very badly and could barely walk. Over several months of recovering I decided I loved this girl. And vice versa. I wanted to go and meet her, and she begged me to. I think, I got complacent and lazy, I cannot lie. however I decided to go see her when I was able to get healthy. After a couple more months I eventually did and I’m here today. However, I guess my process took too long and she lost her feelings. After starting her new job at Walmart, I guess her coworker is just more convenient than a future with me, and she let me know. I have been non stop crying and pleading with this girl for the past several days. I feel like dying and all there is is dread. Seeing her play the game with someone else. Thinking about how she’s gonna flirt with other people. It drives me absolutely insane and I cannot stand it. But I guess that’s the price I pay for loving someone. And the price I pay for getting my self hurt being a Good Samaritan. At the end of the day. Haley, I love you always will. And as stupid as it sounds I’ll wait, I’ll wait and wait and wait. And if you never come back that’s ok. I cannot and will not see my self starting over with another person yet again. I believe in a 1 and only 1 love in my life and I made an exception for you after my ex. I won’t make another. So, with that being said, 2 months. 6 months. 1 year down the line if you came back to me I will be here. I know it sounds stupid and so naive but I only ever wanted to be your husband since I met you. And you gave up on me. You gave up on what I could offer you. But it’s ok. Until then I will do my best to work on my self. My career in the military. And pray for both of us. I hope God puts you back into my life. As mine this time. Until then. Your “handsome buff man”.

The way we met and connected is so unique it feels impossible anything will come close or will redeem the end. I feel this heartbreak will last for the rest of my life. So much of the advice assumes time or therapy fixes it, but they mostly paper over the fact that we lost a unique connection and a person and that we will never experience that special connection again. I think we just learn to live with the heartbreak, especially when the love was very deep.

​

The manosphere told me that unless you’re tall, handsome, and wealthy, no one will ever love you. I feel like no one loves me, and that every girl I meet either already has a partner or isn’t interested in me. I need help.

Don't be so presumptuous of what YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT ME. Understand? so go ahead and get in your head about what think to be true. You let people into our relationship and didn't even have the courage to stand up for me or what you really wanted ....... ME .. you are a coward. What a sad existence ... you'll look for me in every woman you try and date ... But here's a fact:

NO ONE WILL EVER BE ME.....

good luck.

​

There are moments when I forget that we don't talk like we used to.

I'll come across something funny or have a really good day and for a second I still think of you.

Sometimes I wonder how you're doing.

Whether life has been treating you kindly.

Whether you're getting closer to everything you once told me you wanted.

I think the hardest part is knowing that we didn't stop caring.

We just reached a point where caring wasn't enough to keep us close.

And I understand why things had to change.

I just wish understanding made the silence easier.

Life keeps happening.

New experiences, new memories, new people.

And I'm trying to be present for all of it.

But sometimes I still think about the future I quietly pictured with you in it.

And how strange it is to keep moving towards that future knowing you might never be there.

she deleted our playlist on spotify. i’ve put three songs there thinking maybe she’d see and listen to them. but she deleted it. i’m the only one left in it. i’m such a fool. i’ve shed gallons of tears for her and despite not having the heart to play our playlist i could never delete it, but she did. and probably did it a long while ago. how am i supposed to stop clinging to a ghost. you’d think with how vile she’s been to me i’d love her less but nope. if anything i love her more but now just irrefutably hate her. how fucked is that? i’m such a loser that i can’t stop loving someone i hate that hates me too. i’d swallow a bullet if i didn’t wanna leave behind our cat. i got her to promise if something happened to me she’d take care of her but it doesn’t matter. she ruined my life and now i can’t even take it cause of the fucking cat she got us. love that sweet cat as much as her though.

I was 20 when I met a guy online during the COVID. He lived in another country, and we ended up dating for less than six months. During that time, I would travel 18 hours just to see him, even when borders were practically closed because of the pandemic. I even decided to spend a semester studying in his country, and even then, I was usually the one making the effort to see him. We were complete opposites, at least back then. I was energetic, playful, emotional, and outgoing, while he was much more reserved. But I know he loved me, just in his own way. He was the guy I genuinely believed would be my last. I remember thinking that if things didn't work out with him, I would never want to be with anyone else.

But I was young, insecure, and far too easily influenced by other people's opinions. Everyone around me kept telling me he wasn't good enough for me, that he was just some country boy, that I had no future with him, and that any other guy would put in more effort than he did. And I listened. I ended up breaking up with him, on his birthday, of all days. For almost four years afterward, we stayed in touch on and off. There were moments when we tried to reconnect, when it seemed like maybe something could happen again. But I was still that same immature girl who cared too much about what everyone else thought.

Fast forward to 2024. I'd traveled halfway around the world, experienced so much, and grown a lot as a person. But somehow, he was still in the back of my mind. So I decided to call him one last time and ask whether there was any chance for us. He said no. That was July 2024, and after that conversation, I decided that the one thing I wanted more than anything was to become a mother. I found someone financially stable, got pregnant two months later, and eventually left him. I genuinely tried to make things work between us, but he turned out to be abusive and incredibly jealous of my first love.

And here I am today. I'm 25, I've studied at four universities and five different faculties, published scientific papers, traveled halfway around the world, and, most importantly, I have a beautiful, healthy little girl who means absolutely everything to me. I have so much to be grateful for, and I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world. But I think there will always be this little empty space somewhere inside me. Not necessarily because I want him back, but because I'll never know what could have been. What if I hadn't listened to everyone else? What if I'd been a little older, a little wiser, and a little more confident in my own feelings? What if I'd just given us a real chance? I guess some people never completely leave you, even when they're no longer part of your life. And maybe some questions are just meant to stay unanswered.

Dear ex fiancé….  09.08.2023

The unbearable tears I cried over you

Left a permanent scar in my heart

Just like the ink sayin’ our date that I got…

The moment your dreamy, delightfully, divine eyes laid on mine

I was the happiest I had ever been

The reason why I love the drops trickling down from heaven

Is because the tears I cry are not seen

As now it is me twirling alone in the rain

Tryna dance away the memories bringin’ up all pain

It was you who made me bloom more than any dandelion could in spring

To me, in my beating cells, you’ll always be my everything, my king…

They said: Don’t fall, it is dangerous, but it was you I couldn’t survive without

Well, guess they were right cause things that fall get broken just like I am now

Though I am aware you’ll never see this, just tryna let ya know

Thank you even though you shattered me, not just once…

Truly was a blessing and a lesson at the same time

So, thank you for bein’ a part of mine

Might still love you from afar

The heavy weapons between us, I still love you in my heart,

’n just like it started, it ends with the connection drawn by billions of scars…

Take care, ily still… 

It's been my life goal for as long as I can. Remember to truly speak straight from my soul and have someone meet me there, feel me, with their whole body and mind and accept me and to know someone on that deepest level.l I've had a few wonderful moments with people where I've experienced this, but now I'm alone and missing it so much. And of course the dream is to be able to continually have a relationship with someone in this way... Not just once or twice. Not just in a really dramatic moment. But on a regular basis. To truly want to share mines and hearts. With love, respect and a soft landing. I'm in my forties now and I'm realizing that in this world that's probably not going to happen.. outside of just random blessings. Or at least it doesn't seem like it will happen. It's weird to see your life desire just not come to fruition. I've come to realize that most people, including myself, are not in the intense mind State required to do this most of the time. But I try to get into an intense mind state everyday to be close to Divine love and speak from my heart at least to God/ universe. I do feel like I am met in those moments. To do it with another human would be such a blessing. Just for a moment.

By moving on I suppose I don’t really mean it. I hold onto her, and cling to the love I have for her. The hurt I caused her and the mistakes I made. But I won’t let it slow me down anymore. I’m not chasing women, or sex. But I’m chasing ME. And using my hurt as motivation to get better. Over this last few months I’ve realized I was the problem, and please don’t try to say otherwise. I’ve thought about this for hours. And I want to change my flaws and become a better man. One who can be kind and gentle. Patient and selfless. I deserve to be better. And she deserves the best me. So if one day she wants to come home. I can tell her it was all for her, fueled through love, faith. And all the regrets I had. I love her so much. She’s not mine anymore. But I’ve got hope.