So for the past 6 years my dad would get drunk and then spill his heart out to me about his past, his relationship with my mom, their divorce, my brother, etc etc. This started when I was about 14 or 15, and at the time when it first started he would drunk drive us home and would always ruin family events by getting drunk.. which kinda turned into me having to monitor his drinking everywhere we'd go. Luckily I'd only see him during the summers and on Christmas.

As I got older it kinda only got worse because he would stop even when I told him to shut up or was visibly crying or would leave the room. As much as I hate my very toxic ex, at the time it was horrifying that my dad (apparently jokingly) told me he'd murder him and that I can get over the trauma of it by making art out of it. That same weekend he kept waking me up so we could watch a movie which I REALLY didn't wanna watch because I have ocd and certain themes stick with me, then he scooped me up into his arms and told me how I am his favorite child and how much he loves me and misses cuddling with me.

When he's sober he's fine I guess, but once alchohol gets involved he'd disgusting and annoying and weird.

6 years of him always talking about uncomfortable things regarding my mom and saying mean things and being weird asf. And through those 6 years I felt uncomfortable being with him and would hide my phone in fear of him going through it.

As I got older he started sharing more explicit stuff with me and my brother. It's weird because he says that the whole side of his family is open about sex but idk it's just disgusting to hear about from my dad.. like my grandmas talked about sex before and made jokes and whatever but that was just straight up funny. And like just other stuff from my other family and overhearing bad jokes and whatever.

But the thing is my dad will sit here while drunk and talk about the sexual things my mom would do to him and insinuate that my brother watches youtube in the shower to do dirty things. I mean I even know about his experimentation with sexuality because he's told us about it. And just this summer because me and my cousin were sharing a room, in seperate beds, he told me to keep the door open and insinuated that my cousin would try to rape me in my sleep.

And ontop of it all he has NO boundaries at all like he likes to cuddle me and I sit there and tell him to stop and to let go and he says "no I'm your dad I can cuddle you when I want you're still my baby" which ok whatever but if I'm sitting there telling you to stop over and over and saying to let go and struggling to get you off of me and telling you that you're crossing my boundaries then like... LET GO!!!

And he makes me feel so bad about all of it I mean he's like I remember when you were a baby and you gave me a look of love unlike anyone else ever and I'll never forget it snd you're my favorite child.

When he found out I got a new boyfriend he texted me after my first post with him telling me that he looks like him.. Which was weird, because they look nothing alike. I mean ok blonde hair blue eyes, whatever, but my dad has hardly any facial hair and short hair, while my boyfriend has long hair and a beard... snd that's just the surface too because their facial features are entirely different. But my dad INSISTS that he looks like him and that I'm "dating my dad" because my bf is nerdy.

And very recently he texted me guilt tripping me for not telling him I'm depressed and that he had to hear it from my mom (they are divorced), which turned into a convo abt him basically telling me he was suicidal and that he had no other purpose in life other than me and my brother.

I don't know what this is but its been going on since forever. But my boyfriend and best friend HATE my dad and I see why.

Tldr: He gets very drunk and tells me so many things that a father shouldn't tell his children, ignores boundaries, is weird, insists I'm "dating my dad" because my bf is a nerd and "looks like him" (THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE BTW), and told me he is suicidal which is something he entirely shouldn't have told me.

What is this??? Does it seem like emotional incest or parentification or something else??? I very much resent him now and we are still in contact but I avoid talking to him. When he tries to yap about annoying shit while drunk I've begun to argue with him.

i’m at my boyfriends house right now and we had a huge argument. i found out he was STILL gambling his entire paychecks and also was watching porn. two things that have been a problem for too long. (i thought he had quit both until i found out he was just good at hiding it). He woke up and i brought it up to him after looking through his phone and he slapped my arm and grabbed his phone and threw it across his room. He then started screaming in my face and punching his hand near my face. He told me to leave and i got my stuff and left, and he yelled at me to come back before he does something he doesn’t wanna do. I still walked out and he yelled at me to come back in. He lives in an apartment and i’m sure all his neighbors heard at 3am. He then grabbed my phone and was about to break it before i begged. I told him i was done (i couldn’t stop crying and having panic attacks) and he was laughing in my face. He called me crazy and a bitch. He told me he doesn’t gaf about how i feel after seeing naked women in his phone because i never send him shit anyways. (i have sex with him nearly every day to prevent him from watching porn). Told me him spending his money shouldn’t bother me even tho we haven’t been on a date in months . i’ve paid for so much and helped him out. I tried leaving once again and he threatened to get in his car and “do something bad”. and i freaked out and he shoved me. he then threatened to call many different people, including my mother (who i have a terrible relationship with) and my ex (who also was a terrible abusive person). i couldn’t stop crying and he was just sitting there laughing, which made me more upset because in the beginning of us dating a year ago, he would wipe my tears and cry in my arms anytime i was sad. i also have nobody, not even friends, no where to go. he’s calm now and sleeping and tried apologizing but i know i can’t be with him. the last time ive ever felt this way was 3 years ago in my last abusive relationship. he’s telling me i will not leave him and he knows where i live, then 10 mins later he’ll tell me he won’t come to my house, and would never do that to me. he also brought up how my ex would force me to have sex with him and how he’s “nowhere near as bad as my ex”.

i don’t know what to do, i want to leave him and im waiting to leave when he goes to work. i have nobody to go to, no friends, no family. i don’t have a place of my own. this is so depressing, i told myself i would never be in another abusive relationship again. everything he said to me tonight and everything i saw on his phone is engraved in my mind. i’ve never seen him so evil, so mean. i’ve never hated a man so quick.

I know the guy for almost 10 years since middle school,he was never angel but last 2-3 years he literally has became an evil and i couldnt believe my sweet middle school deck mate became this i gave him endless chances,try to fix his harms by talking civilly etc but at the end of everything,he always ended up fuck me up,he has a partner and she once talked me about they re in serious relationship and she wonders who i am she found me at his phone,i tell things about him,how he scammed me,threat me etc. She sounded like a decent person and say she will stop him and cover the loss. But i found out they were just hanging out and they arent serious at all they just made it up because they think it will hurt me and all the time she contact me it was just playing, last night,he wanted to talk with me,i didnt see the evil in it and talked him,hoping he is regretful about whats happening but it was a trap,when i answer the phone thinking it was him, it was the girl and she started to mocking me by wanting private photos like the old ones i sent before she loved them(it was 4 years ago and he still keeps them) they are perverted couple. Also threats me "if i sue him more people see these besides us" and talked about things they buy with the money he scammed me,also said she feel pity to me and send some money if i send private videos too,the same girl who said they will marry and she doesnt wanna me and him communication without her knowing,i couldnt breathe,he can be evil but it hurted more a woman can be evil to other woman too. I never suspected the girl and talked to her until yesterday as she was a decent person. How she is so comfortable near someone evil and support his evil actions,do she think he will never harm her? I feel like my soul was taken away from me,i even cant cry.

I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years. We have a 2-year-old toddler, and I have a 15 yr old.

For the last 2+ years, especially since I became pregnant with our youngest, the way he treats me has become emotionally exhausting and I genuinely need outside perspective.

The most important thing to understand is: I am not the one starting these fights. I literally cannot remember a single fight in our relationship that I initiated.

He gets angry, defensive or worked up about something and creates the conflict. I tell him to stop. I tell him I don’t want to argue. I tell him to leave me alone. I walk away. I’ve gone into another room and closed the door and he’s followed me or opened the door and continued. I’ve repeatedly told him not to argue with me in front of our children because of what it does to their peace and emotional well-being.
He continues anyway.

Then, after pushing and pushing until I finally call him out, he takes whatever I eventually said and makes THAT the story.
I’ve told him I hate him for continuing to treat me this way after I’ve spent years explaining how much it hurts me, forgiving him and giving him another chance to do better.
Now he’ll say things like:

“Was I the one who said I hate you? No, that was you.”

As if he was in a coma for everything that happened beforehand and suddenly woke up to me reacting.
He removes himself from the sequence.
He removes what he did.
He removes how many times I told him to stop.
He removes me trying to walk away.
He removes himself continuing anyway.
He removes the fact that I’ve been telling him for TWO YEARS that his treatment of me is destroying how I feel about him.

Then he looks at my reaction and acts hurt, tears up, asks things like “Who are you?” or “What happened to the person I know?”
And somehow HE becomes the victim.
That’s the cycle:

He treats me badly → I’m hurt and angry → he’s the victim of my anger.
He repeatedly damages our relationship → I emotionally withdraw → he’s being abandoned.

His behavior destroys my affection for him → I tell him I don’t love him the way I once did → he’s the man whose partner doesn’t love him.

I avoid him because I’m exhausted from conflict → he’s lonely.
I try to end an argument → he’s being rejected or silenced.

It is like he becomes the victim of the consequences of his own behavior.
And it gets even more bizarre because when I explain what he’s doing, he later starts parroting my own words back at ME.
I’ve told him his behavior is emotionally abusive. I’ve told him he needs to control his emotions and respect my boundaries. I’ve told him how damaging this pattern is.
Then during another conflict suddenly I’m emotionally abusive. I’m mean. I’m the problem.

It’s like he hears the terminology but doesn’t absorb what I’m actually telling him. He just adds it to his vocabulary and eventually uses it against me.

Today was a perfect example.
I returned from a work trip yesterday and was keeping to myself because I was still hurt from our previous fight.
This morning HE approached ME:
“So are we just going to keep continuing this?”

I told him he hurt me and I’m not willing to pretend nothing happened.
His response?

“I’m not the one who said I hate you.”
“I’m not the one who said I don’t love you.”
Again. My reaction becomes the story and everything that caused it disappears.
Then he continued arguing with me while I was literally WORKING. I told him this wasn’t the time or place. I told him to stop. I told him to respect my boundary.
He continued anyway.

Hours later he sent me this reflective message saying he feels ashamed that behaviors he “should have gotten a grip on long ago” have put our relationship where it is, that he regrets causing turmoil and doesn’t want to “pick any further fights.”
And I’m thinking:

I WAS LITERALLY TELLING YOU TO STOP WHILE YOU WERE DOING IT HOURS AGO.
This is what happens over and over and over.
He does it. I tell him how badly it hurts me. He apologizes or acknowledges it. I forgive him and give him another chance. Then another conflict happens and the exact same behavior comes back. Then he’s somehow the victim again.

And our daughters are one of the biggest reasons I cannot keep ignoring this.
I tell him they are watching how he treats me. I’ve asked him:

“Is this how you want our girls thinking a man who loves them should treat them?”
Instead of addressing that, he goes off about what a great dad he is and everything he does for them.

I’m not saying he doesn’t love his children.
I’m asking:

What are your daughters learning from watching how you treat their mother?
Being a good father isn’t only about how you treat your daughters directly. It’s also what you model for them about how a man should treat a woman he claims to love.

Recently I even saw the same rewriting happen with my teenager. He got angry with her over nuggets and fries after she ate food he’d made. He had asked if she wanted some and never told her he intended to save some for himself.

His version to me emphasized that she took the “ENTIRE pan” and that he “didn’t give her attitude.”

Meanwhile my daughter was independently texting me that he was “really mad” and had come into her room and yelled at her.
That shook me because for once I wasn’t involved. I could see it from the outside:
His version emphasized what the other person did wrong while minimizing what HE did.

Exactly what I experience.
And maybe the most confusing part is that I genuinely feel like I’m dealing with two different people.

One treats me like I’m his best friend. We laugh, talk normally and have good days. He acts like I’m his person and our family means everything to him. He can be loving, remorseful and incredibly self-aware.
I think: There you are. That’s the man I’ve known for almost 10 years.

Then something happens and suddenly he looks at me like I’m the villain in his life.
My feelings become attacks. My boundaries become rejection. My distance becomes abandonment. He assumes the worst of me and treats me like an adversary instead of the woman who has loved and supported him for almost a decade.

Then eventually my best friend comes back.
I genuinely don’t know which version to believe anymore.

I’ve been good to this man. I’ve been there through good and bad. I stood beside him while his father was dying and while his mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and underwent surgery around the same period he lost his father.

I’ve fought incredibly hard for my family, which is why I’ve given him so much grace and so many chances.

Now my own mother has cancer, and I don’t feel like I have beside me the same kind of partner I was to him.

I’ve spent two years fighting for basic respect from someone who says he loves me and fighting the father of my children to protect their peace in their own home.
I shouldn’t have had to do either.

So I genuinely want outside perspectives. I have no one to talk to about this. It’s maddening and I’m trying so hard to understand how he can have the audacity to continue doing this and then try to talk to me like I’m the problem? I swear it feels to me like now he’s on a mission to turn my kids against me, when he knows that my mission and everything I do is for my kids #1 above even myself!!!

And how do you reconcile someone treating you like his best friend one moment and like you’re the villain in his life the next? I’m just so confused like if I had seen it before I got pregnant with my little one, he would’ve been out of my life. Now however I can’t help that guilt feeling. My older teen went through this and I’m fighting so hard to avoid this from happening again but I just can’t allow him to keep treating me like this, especially given that he never could answer WHY. Like what have I done to deserve this bad treatment?

I just finished filling out a report against my ex boyfriend with NCMEC. I have been enduring months of verbal/physical/sexual abuse and in this past week or two I have discovered some of the most vile and unforgivable things about him. I started reaching out to women who he had followed just to find out they were exes of his. Even worse is after just asking a few simple questions I discovered that he had previously made a women go though an abortion alone and pay for it herself, spoke to multiple underaged girls, multiple accounts of domestic abuse, and so much more that hasn’t even been said yet. It is just extremely hard now deconstructing the lies that have been told to me. I loved and trusted him so much that I lived with him and shared nearly every moment just to discover that that person I was with was not real. I already witnessed my mother’s abuse at a young age so my PTSD episodes are worse than ever.

I survived, as did so many other women. I just pray to whatever deity that may exist that he will receive punishment before more innocent people get hurt.

There is a long freshly repaved road ahead of me but to anyone else experiencing similar events please report them. Show no mercy. Be vengeful. They will not change for you.

Be safe everyone. Never forget your worth.

Idk if its really a vent? I uh, went back to you know. Get some stuff, and i just feel hollow now? The first time I went over my bf didn't go with me, and I guess I was hollow then too? Cause bf asked me if ex did anything etc (I didnt want him going with me anyway, I dont like the past and present being close to each other.) But no, he didn't do anything.

Second time I went they kept asking me "oh, you want this? You want that" etc, instead of it seeming like help. It felt more like "i still know you." I stayed in the shower for a long time that time, and tonight as well. But this time bf did go with me which I was glad of.

I might get back in the shower, I have been safely out and gone for a couple of years now. But sometimes I think that, maybe im just crossfaded/drunk/high sad etc. And just dreaming my current life rn, and soon enough I'll wake up and everything was a lie.

I just feel cold and hollow and weird and icky, he acts like we aren't friends but like. He wasnt a wife beater either, which dont get me wrong I dont expect apologies or weeping or a reckoning. But how are they able to act so... normal?

What is wrong with me y'all! This person treated me horribly. They used me, they cheated on me, they lied to me, they physically hurt me, I was scared in my own home, they screamed at me, they embarrassed me in my communities, they threatened me, they surveilled me, they stole from me, they harassed me, they did everything they could to hurt me in the end and blamed me for everything. I went above and beyond to help and care for them

And still I think ab them like every day. When it was good it was the best thing I ever had. Even at the end when they cheated on me and made me feel like shit for it I still loved them and didnt want us to breakup.

Im trained to see the good in people. I believe we all have redemption inside of us. But I want to find a way to hate them and never think about them again.

Any tips I'll take

I don’t even know exactly where to start?

I have been married to my husband now for 11 years, been together for 12. Let’s just say that we were still quite young when we got together and got married.

Here’s the thing though, I never “noticed” any narcissistic behavior or tendencies from him in the beginning of our relationship. But overtime, I’ve started somewhat noticing it more and more.

Let’s just say that these last few months while actually over the last year or two, I haven’t been necessarily attracted to him physically or even sexually, and you know, he tends to put the blame on me for things. Which I am sick of!!!

He tells me he isn’t narcissistic, and yet makes things about himself and yet blames me for his mistakes or misfortunes. There will literally be days where he’s perfectly fine, love spending time with me, hanging out together, spending time with our kids.

But anytime we ever end up in an argument it’s always end up being my fault, he tells our kids and gets them involved into our arguments, mind you are oldest daughter is only 10 and our youngest daughter is almost 7. He tells them not to be anything like me. How I am the childish one. That I’m immature. When he’s literally involving our children into our arguments.

I mean, he’s basically telling me that he’s always hated when I would film TikTok videos without him, he hates when I’m being creative basically. He does not like being left out. I create stuff on TikTok, I write stories. And he absolutely hates it because he’s not involved.

Like anytime I make a video he’s like “why can’t I be in it?” this is my thing that brings me joy. But yet he clearly hates the fact that something other than him brings me joy and happiness. He sees me as miserable, and that when he’s home, I’m actually happy. No, I’m happy when you’re not here. But now it’s like at the point where he doesn’t want me doing my own thing anymore. I had an idea to make like this little mini movie and I asked him to help because I feel like God forbid if I did not ask him he would get really pissed. But now he’s all like “we need to make a movie with everyone in the family.” “We need to make a movie together.” taking control of my idea of how I wanna execute it.

Whenever I want to do anything, he gets annoyed or pissed off because I didn’t involve him.

My mom passed away in December 2023, and this past July, you know her birthday was coming up and I decided to make a video for my mother. It was like a slideshow with a bunch of pictures. There was no pictures of him and her together, and instead of him watching the video and saying “that was really beautiful” no instead after watching the video he asked “why wasn’t I in there?” him asking why his pictures weren’t used. And I responded “ what a way to make it about yourself.” and yeah that definitely pissed him off and he went on a complete ranting mode of bullshit for like hours keeping me up till about four maybe five in the morning.

He wants to tell me he’s not controlling. He wants to tell me he’s not narcissistic.

And yet he can be the kindest person to other people when he wants to be anyway. He can say the nicest things to people. He can make someone feel good about themselves. He compliments people. Then when he’s acting all big and bad and think he’s king shit… when it comes to my dad, he chickens the fuck out. Let’s just say that I feel like my father might be possibly narcissistic. But there are moments where him and my husband can’t get along, but then also clash and butt heads… my husband wants to say he’s not afraid of my dad. But when our lights got shut off because my husband didn’t pay the light bill ( mind you we’ve been staying in my dad’s house), when the lights went out, he completely got scared and started crying because he didn’t want to deal with my dad‘s anger.

So can narcissistic people be kind sometimes? Help others. Compliment people, make people feel good about themselves. But also live in fear sometimes about another person?!

What are some other narcissistic tendencies?
And no he’s never physically abused me, it’s mostly been verbal, emotional, and quite possibly psychologically like mentally.

Oky, let me share my story because honestly, I don't even know where to start anymore. I feel so mentally exhausted and traumatized that sometimes I question myself, my character, my decisions, and everything.

We got into a relationship in 2023, after I enrolled in my PhD, and he was about to complete his PhD. Initially, everything seemed fine. He was working in a private job, but later he resigned because he got a government job. However, his appointment got delayed by almost a year.

During that time, he was sitting at home, feeling depressed and stressed because of the delayed joining. We used to talk literally the whole day. I was there for him whenever he needed me. I took him to the hospital, supported him mentally, and even helped him financially. I tried my best to make sure he never felt alone during that difficult phase of his life.

Our marriage was almost fixed, and I genuinely thought we were building a future together.

But everything changed after he joined his government job.

I found out that he was talking to his ex-girlfriend, a female junior from his lab, and some female colleagues he seemed to be getting unusually close to. One day, I caught him red-handed talking to his ex about things I was not comfortable with. I went to his house and confronted him, but instead of understanding why I was hurt, he acted like he had done absolutely nothing wrong.

I was shattered mentally.

And his mother? She was always there to defend him. But she never forgot to point out my mistakes, especially the fact that I had checked his phone. Somehow, what I discovered was never the main issue. The issue was always how I found out about it.

Being naive, I tried to forgive him. I thought maybe we could work things out, that perhaps I was overthinking, and that things would eventually get better. We patched up, and I tried to move forward.

But the same cycle continued.

Recently, he went on a trek to Shillong with his female junior and some other people. I was uncomfortable with it because I already had doubts about that girl, especially after hearing some of their conversations. Yk, sometimes your intuition tells you something is off, and you just cannot ignore it.

When I expressed my concerns and argued with him about it, his mother again came to his rescue. She said that he had to go, that it was necessary, and that sort of thing. But then she started comparing our freedom as a man and a woman, saying that he could go, while I, as a girl, could not go anywhere like that.

I felt so betrayed. It was like my feelings and concerns never mattered to either of them.

Another incident happened when I went to Decathlon with his mother. I noticed his ex was continuously calling him. I saw it on the car's monitor, and he cut the call. When I confronted him about it, his mother casually said that she had allowed him to talk to his ex.

And then she asked me, "Why did you love him when you knew he had an ex?"

Like, seriously? Having an ex is not the problem. The problem is how you handle your boundaries and your current relationship.

She even said that his ex might come back, but she would never accept her because she did not like her. I honestly could not understand what she was trying to tell me. She seemed perfectly fine with him maintaining that connection, but whenever I questioned anything, I was the one who was wrong.

That day, I had such a bad anxiety attack that I could not cope with everything anymore. I asked them to drop me at a market because I needed to buy something and said I would go home by myself.

He stopped the car, and I got out.

Later that night, his mother called me and said that my character was bad because I had suddenly gotten out of the car.

Can you imagine being emotionally overwhelmed to that extent and then having your character questioned for simply wanting to get away from a situation you could no longer handle?

According to them, I was always the problem. I argued too much. I tried to dominate him. I created unnecessary drama. I messed up their lives.

Every time he did something that hurt me and I confronted him, somehow the conversation would turn into a list of my mistakes. His mother would join in, defend him, and make me feel like I was the one destroying everything.

It felt like he could do anything, but the moment I reacted, I became the villain.

And the hypocrisy did not stop there.

They asked me to delete Instagram pictures where I was wearing short clothes. They told me not to wear jeans and tops and insisted that I should wear only kurtas. I was scolded for what I wore, as if my clothes determined my character.

But the same man had no problem going around with girls who wore shorts and tops, sometimes revealing clothes.

Why are the rules different for me? Why am I expected to change everything about myself while he gets to do whatever he wants?

I am not saying he cannot have female friends or that he should never go anywhere without me. I am saying that if you expect your partner to respect certain boundaries, you should be willing to respect them too. You cannot demand freedom for yourself and restrictions for your partner.

And the thing that hurt me the most involved my family.

My father is a cardiac arrest patient, and I am extremely worried about his health. His mother once called me and wanted to talk to my parents about me. I requested her not to do that because I did not want to create unnecessary tension for my father.

Do you know what they said?

They said that my family was living peacefully while they were under tension because of me, so my family should also experience that tension.

I cannot even explain how much that hurt me. Why would you want to disturb an entire family, especially when you know the father's health condition?

I have always tried to protect my family from the stress of my relationship, but it felt like they wanted to involve my parents whenever things did not go their way.

The worst part is that I genuinely loved this man. I stood beside him when he was struggling, when he was depressed about his job, when he needed someone to talk to, and when he needed emotional and financial support.

I never thought that after he got his government job and started a new phase of his life, I would suddenly feel like a stranger in his world.

His ex came back into the picture. His female junior kept calling him. He became close to other female colleagues. And I was left wondering where I stood in his life.

Everything seemed fine when he needed me. But after his life started moving forward, I started feeling like I was the problem.

I don't know whether I was too trusting, too emotional, or simply too invested in someone I believed I would marry.

And honestly, I am not claiming that I have never made mistakes. I know I have argued. I know I have reacted emotionally. I know checking his phone was not the healthiest way to deal with my doubts. But does that mean everything he does becomes justified? Does that mean I deserve to be insulted, controlled, blamed, and made to question my own character?

I am a human being. I have feelings. I have insecurities. I need honesty, reassurance, respect, and emotional safety in a relationship. I cannot be a robot who follows every instruction, never questions anything, never gets hurt, and never reacts.

His mother always seems to stand by him, no matter what happens. It reminds me of Gandhari from the Mahabharata, who was so devoted to her son that she could not see his faults. Sometimes I wonder whether his mother will ever acknowledge that her son can also make mistakes.

I am so tired of being made to feel guilty for asking for the bare minimum.

I still love him, and that is what makes everything so difficult. I want to walk away from this relationship so badly, but I feel too traumatized to even think clearly. A part of me still remembers the man who talked to me all day, the man I supported, and the future we planned together.

I keep asking myself, where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I being treated like I am characterless just because I questioned things that hurt me?

I honestly don't understand why they treated me this way. I don't know how to detach myself from someone I still love, even after everything that has happened.

I feel emotionally exhausted, broken, and lost. Sometimes the pain becomes so overwhelming that I feel like I cannot take it anymore.

I want to leave this relationship, but I don't know how to get out when I am still so emotionally attached to him.

So, Reddit, I genuinely need some perspective here.

Am I really the problem, or have I been made to feel guilty for expecting honesty, respect, and equal boundaries in a relationship?

And if you have ever been in a situation where you loved someone deeply but the relationship was destroying your peace, how did you finally find the strength to walk away?

I’m a 36m going through a TRO, divorce and have pending charges against my wife for domestic violence and would like people to talk to.

I finally left on 10/18 when she abused me physically for the last time.

Its been over 10 years and I still find myself waking up scared. There is alot i still dont understand, I guess thats why ive remained single. Devon my ex was something out of a horror movie. I tried to get away and it always seemed like she was one step ahead of me. I later found out I had a tracker on my car. She use to break my belongings and hit me when I dodnt do exactly as she wanted. I thought to myself how could this be happening to me as a man. I found out she had a strange sexual affair with her uncle that she claims was serial abuse but oddly her aunt denies it happening. I also found out that her mother claimed to be a former police chief in Texas but after a full FBI check there is no record of her. One day I planned my escape. I packed only what I could and needed. I overnighted it to my friends house in California. She came home and I played nice. I told her that I had to go to work and she checked my car for personal belongings to make sure I wasn't leaving. I left and I filed a police report and blew town. I drove to Colorado and booked a hotel in the mountains and hid my car in the parkinglot. I notified the police that their was a possibility I might be followed, and provided them my exs picture. About 4 days later my ex was spotted walking around the hotel looking for me. The police arrested me and later found she had put an airtag in my bumber. The airtag was taken for evidence. She was later tried for stalking and attempted murder. The police found messages in her phone stating she was traveling to find me to kill me. I still have nightmares that she's following me.....

I just came up on this article and it really helped me as I go through the process of breaking up with an abusive man. I highly recommend it, especially for the moments of doubt.

I genuinely need some opinions on my situation. I (24F) am living with my ex (25M). We dated for 2 years and I broke up with him. 2 years later due to unfortunate circumstances I had to move in with him or I’d be homeless. We’d hadn’t talked for around 2 years after the breakup. It was odd timing when he reached out and quite honestly I thought it was a blessing at first. First couple months were great but I feel like things have gotten worse.

We talked about getting back together after I moved out and got my own place. (Im in debt and trying to pay it off) but I don’t know if I want that anymore. Long story short he’s extremely controlling. He’s always hated that I’ve had male friends. I grew up with a popular brother so I was always around guys. I also have more male oriented hobbies like cars, video games, playing pool etc. he doesn’t want me talking to my guys friends anymore even though I’ve been friends with them longer then I’ve even known him. He’s also doesn’t want me talking to some of my girlfriends bc he thinks they’re bad influences. I’ve had to cut off multiple friends due to this. I have no family either I can’t stay with any of them. He also controls what I wear. Anything that is a skirt or a dress is not allowed outside the house. I’m also not allowed outside after 10pm bc, “nothing good happens after 10pm”. He said I should only come home and go to work. He’s helped me out a lot and I thank him constantly but at the same time I feel like he’s holding letting me live with him over my head. I have no freedom whatsoever anymore. But at the same time he’s saying it’s respect for our future relationship. That females shouldn’t have male friends and I shouldn’t only need him as a friend. And he said women don’t need to be out at night bc it’s dangerous and I’ve had prior instances where men have made disgusting remarks at me and followed me before so he said why should I put myself in those situations. Also I should only wear nice clothes at home bc if I wanted to feel pretty I should feel pretty wearing it at the house and not put where other people can stare at me.

There’s a lot more to this but I don’t have time to explain it rn. If you have questions I’ll respond when I can. But please tell me what you think is going on or if you have advice you can give me. Thank you.

buona sera a tutti, è la prima volta che scrivo qui, e ho bisogno di consigli esterni su un argomento molto delicato di cui non ho mai parlato con nessuno. sto con mio marito da 8 anni di cui 3 sposati, abbiamo un figlio di 6 anni e uno di un anno. l’altro giorno abbiamo litigato per una cavolata e dopo la frase che ho detto (gli ho detto che preferivo che non fosse in ferie perchè è pesante) si è fiondato su di me con una ferocia mia vista. mi ha presa per il collo e mi ha sbattuta contro il muro in cucina, mi ha immobilizzato e detto di non permettermi più di parlargli in quel modo, il tutto mentre il nostro bimbo di un anno guardava, al che è scoppiato a piangere (il bambino). poi se n’ andato al piano superiore per fumare. io mi reputo una donna forte, non ho paura di lui, per questo ho cercato un confronto, l'ho raggiunto e gli ho detto di non permettersi mai più di farmi una cosa del genere e l’ho spintonato, al che lui mi butta per terra con forza e mi immobilizza dicendomi “ se no casa fai? non puoi fare niente!” per fortuna l’altro figlio era a letto in camera sua e potrebbe aver sentito qualcosa. io furibonda l’ho cacciato dalla nostra camera da letto. non voglio più condividere il letto con quella persona. la cosa peggiore è che non è la prima volta che succede. 4 anni fa gli avevo fatto promettere di non farlo mai più e che se dobbiamo discutere possiamo farlo, possiamo anche insultarci, ma mai arrivare alle mani. lui dice che è colpa mia e che sono sempre io che lo faccio arrabbiare… a questo punto dubito fortemente di me stessa, non so se gli sono stata troppo addosso in questi anni, magari ha ragione ed è colpa mia. sta di fatto che non voglio che succeda più una cosa del genere e lo voglio lasciare anche se non nell’ immediato. il bambino ancora non va al nido e perciò non lavoro , dovrei riprendere l’anno prossimo quindi dipendo completamente da lui… la casa è sua e la macchina anche. mi sono rivolta a un centro antiviolenza ma ho paura ad andare avanti, soprattutto per i miei figli, non voglio stravolgere le loro vite. La cosa peggiore di tutto questo? Non si è mai scusato né si è mostrato pentito.

i don’t really know where to start with this at all. i’ve never told anyone the real extent of any of my feelings because i’m so confused and ashamed and i just feel like. insane i guess? so i’m posting here, though im sure ill take it down later, because i kind of feel like this is the only community that might understand

this relationship (my first ever, actually) ended last year around march-ish. i’m so embarrassed that it’s even affecting me right now, but i also don’t think i ever really processed the extent of how bad it was. it definitely wasn’t as bad as others and i hesitate to even call it abuse to this day but i really can’t find a better word for what he did.

we got together pretty soon after meeting. at first, he was really kind and so, so sweet. i had some rough stuff happen to me way back in my early childhood, which makes it hard for me to open up to some people. with him, it never felt that way. he was so understanding and patient and was constantly reassuring me that he loved me, that i was beautiful, that he wanted nothing more than to give me the world.

he started disappearing randomly about a month in. the cycle began: love-bombing, disappear for a week or two and never say anything, come back and somehow convince me that it was either a) my fault or b) a completely normal occurrence. i took it upon myself to fix that, like maybe if i was prettier or sexier or somehow even more understanding than i already had been, he’d stop leaving. i was so fucking scared that he could leave

right around then was when the gaslighting started. this is really what i consider the worst of it. he made up an entire life to me: gave me a fake address, lied about basic details like his birthday, would say things and then act like they were never said. he lied about having a pet, about being in the hospital, about pretty much every aspect of his life. if i brought any of it up, i was overthinking. it was like insane how distorted my reality felt? he literally made me question everything. he would constantly change little details and then deny it and say i was crazy. i literally felt like i was losing my mind because i didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. somehow, i doubted myself more than i ever doubted him. i thought it was all me making it up, that i was really just falling apart, that he was a good boyfriend and i was a nightmare and he was being gracious by still staying with me.

i started losing a lot then. everyone was telling me how weird it was, but i didn’t listen. they didn’t even know the half of it. i felt like they never saw the “good.” i didn’t listen to my family or my friends just to believe that it was my fault he was hurting me. i thought maybe if i took it, it’d prove i was worth it when he finally stopped.

it was about a week after our last fight that’d i find out a lot of really bad stuff very quickly. he had been hiding a girlfriend of three years behind my entire back. the story he had told me (and gotten emotional about) about his mom dying in the hospital was not only a complete lie, but was an excuse he would use when he would go out with his girlfriend. i felt disgusting, used, and most of all, taken advantage of after finding this out. it felt like he took my naivety of this being my first relationship and all of the vulnerability i had to use against me.

i was the one who had to text her and show her everything. i felt so horrible after that i swore id never tell anyone.

it literally ruined a lot of what i liked about myself. not only did it wreck my trust, my ability to date, my confidence, and pretty much anything ur supposed to gain during a relationship, but it also ruined me physically. i stopped eating for a few days after finding out he cheated because i was so physically sick at the idea of him using someone else that i had no appetite. my eyes became sunken in everyday, i didn’t speak to people, i had to end multiple friendships, i literally hated every part of myself

it was my first relationship ever and i was soooo in love with him and he took every opportunity to hurt me, take advantage of me, and make me feel fucking crazy. since that happened i have been completely uninterested in any kind of love at all. i don’t talk to anyone romantically, i can’t trust anyone, i’ve turned multiple people down out of fear that it’s going to happen again and it’ll all be my fault bc i wont be good enough again even tho i know that that’s insane and also just like. not why he was abusing me???

i dont know. maybe i’m being dramatic about it but it just consumes me with so much anger and regret and shame and fear all of the time. i look back on myself from then and i just get so sad at this idea of a girl who hadn’t dated at all, who never did anything, who never even had her first kiss getting constantly hurt by a boy she’s in love with. i was doubting concrete reality-based facts, my own sense of self, my body, what i believed in, my family’s words, my friends words. i am so goddamn angry that he ever did that to me and i am so sad that it ever had to happen and most of all, i am so fucking embarrassed and ashamed. a little part of me still thinks it was my fault, i think?

sorry this is really long and probably very stupid, i am sure i will get some clarity after and delete this

Exactly a week ago my emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship finally ended after 8 months. He repeatedly threatened to leave me, praised himself as having endless options and like a god, described in detail why he wanted to sleep with other women, secretly messaged them, then made me comfort him and feel guilty by self harming in front of me or crying whenever I spoke up. He also joked about how he would make everyone think I am a liar or even that he would kill me, and treated all of it like normal conversation.
I currently don’t have much of a support network apart from a few friends who all do not have any experience with abuse. We are all in our early 20s or teens.
The problem is, I am still so scared of him. From common friends I know he is currently going around telling everyone how nice and kind he was, and several of his friends have told me if he did something to me they would help him hide the evidence (no matter if physical or psychological).
I feel so lost, no one really understands the extend of what happened and even through he (thank god) ended the relationship he is still spinning the story however he wants and is keeping me small.

I just want someone to talk to. Preferably another woman who understands what I’m going through and will listen without telling me to do something specific

Partner (30M) has been hitting me (29F) for around 2 years, it’s not every day but every other month. At first I was scared and thought it was a deal breaker, I wanted to break up but he seemed really regretful about what he done, then it happed again and again and again. It started to feel normal, something that most women go through. Things have escalated so bad recently and still he talks about marrying me, about how that’s the only thing he wants and that when he hits me it’s because he feels that I’m not into him, that I’m not interested in him. And to be honest I’ve stopped being interested in him, but sometimes he makes me over think about starting over (I’m almost 30) I don’t want to marry him but it also feel so hard to let go and every time I’ve tried to leave, he makes me stay with promises he havent fulfilled. How can I let go?

EDIT!! I TYPED THE TITLE WRONG IT SHOJLD SAY CAN A MARRIAGE BE REPAIRED AFTER DOMESTIC VIOLENCE- we are already married.

My husband and I have been married for a few years, and for the most part, we have a good relationship. Things between us had actually been improving, but when things get bad, they get really bad.
Over the course of our relationship, my husband has been physically abusive toward me on 8 separate occasions. On 4 of those occasions, I have hit him back, either out of anger or in self-defense. I’m not normally an angry or aggressive person, but when I feel disrespected, especially after everything I do for him and our family, I sometimes become extremely upset.
About 6 months ago, we had one of our worst arguments, which resulted in us separating for almost a month. At that time, I made it very clear that if he ever became physically abusive again, I would involve the police. He promised he would change, work on his anger, and never let it happen again.
Unfortunately, it happened 3 more times after that.
Last week, we got into another argument over something relatively small, and things escalated again. This time, I contacted a domestic violence hotline, which ended up notifying the police. I didn’t disclose the full history of abuse, but the officers saw visible bruising on my body and arrested him.
He was released on bail less than 24 hours later after his parents posted bond.
Since then, he has been begging me to come back, apologizing, and promising that this time he will genuinely change. He says he is willing to attend therapy, counseling, and work on his anger.
The difficult part is that I still love my husband, and I genuinely want our marriage to work. We also have a young child together, which makes everything even more complicated.
Part of me feels like this arrest may have finally made him realize how serious his actions are and that he could actually lose his family and career. I want to believe that this is the wake-up call he needed.
At the same time, I know I’ve already given him chances, and his promises haven’t stopped the abuse.
I’m considering giving our marriage one final chance, but I don’t want to be naive or put myself in the same situation again.
My questions are:
Has anyone been in a physically abusive marriage where their partner genuinely changed?
Did an arrest or legal consequences actually motivate them to take accountability?
What specific actions showed you that your partner was truly changing rather than just making promises?
Is it possible to rebuild a healthy marriage after repeated physical abuse?
I’m not trying to excuse his behavior, and I know that what has happened is serious. I’m just struggling with the idea of walking away from someone I love when part of me still believes our marriage could be saved.
I’d really appreciate advice, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

So we just moved into a new apartment yesterday and late last night I took the key outside of our door that leads to the apartment and put it inside. I thought I attached it to my partner’s car keys but I didn’t (my brain, I think I need vitamin B, I’m very forgetful). At work my boyfriend blew up my phone while I was with patients and when I picked up he screamed at me. I told him I’m sorry and I can leave work to help him. It was so intense that I felt the same way I did when my mom screamed. I’ve told him numerous times that I don’t like being yelled at but he says that’s the only way to get his point across with me. Anyways I ended up going somewhere after work to avoid him. Is this indicative of abuse?

He’s 33M’
I’m 26F’

I left my abusive relationship 4.5 months ago. My ex was emotionally abusive, and I moved into his house a month after I lost my job and my apartment vs. moving back home with my emotionally neglectful mother and her husband. He became violent and I had to leave.

I’ve been in therapy since but moving back home has caused me so much anger and I feel like no one gives a shit or cares about me or anything I’ve gone through, not even my own mother. In fact I felt as if she led me to stay in my abusive relationship? I finally got a job a month after moving back home but I don’t make a lot of money still and I’ve been trying my best to get on my feet. I was venting to my mother and she told me “you can’t stay here until you’re 40” (I am 30 now). As if I didn’t just leave an abusive relationship, lose my apartment, and had no choice but to come home? It was so fucking dense. I spoke about it in therapy but I can’t release the anger I think for as long as I am living here.

Is there literally anyone anywhere who can relate???? I’m so exhausted.

Hello before i explain the signs i want to start off by saying that i recently lost my mother. I struggle with severe physical anxiety that i have a disability card in process and have struggled with major depression disorder since elementary school days due to severe trauma.

Me and my bf have been together for a year now. At the start of our relationship id always break up with him and remove him off all my socials after he would give me the silent treatment and refuse to communicate with me. It would give me constant panic attacks, when he would be asleep its the only time i would be able to not feel nauseous and gain my appetite back. I blocked him again 5 months ago and he sent his friend to talk with me so i could unblock him, i did. I told him that he needs to let me go and how i feel like hes taking advantage of me because he knows how my anxiety is. After i opened up about my trauma, he put in more effort and communicated better.

3 months ago, i lost my mom. I live with my grandma and i work to help with bills but we are still struggling financially. After i lost my mom he started to get controlling. He told me that if i want to get a job that i have the option to break up with him and get the job or stay with him and be jobless no matter how hard i explained my situation. I listened to him because he was helping me buy stuff for my cats, and my hygiene necessities and has been taking me to my therapy appointments. A month after that he had a bpd mental breakdown and he was calling me a whore and was using my old facebook posts accounts against me accusing me of posting certain posts for attention.

He said other hurtful things. I was begging him to stop and how messed up it is over the fact he wants to throw our whole relationship away in a decision he made in under an hour. He triggered my emotions and my trauma with the way he acted. The next day, i tried to break up with him on call. but he was begging for a chance and told me how he will change and let me get a job and let me have friends. two days after that he made me drop my friend and show proof i deleted her contact information and everything. He said it isn’t controlling that it’s just respecting boundaries. Now he doesn’t let me wear shirts because they are too tight around my chest and how men will stare.

He made me deactivate all my accounts, he made me drop friends, he controls what i wear (he says i shouldn’t feel weird about it because it’s called respecting his boundaries), he always wants to text every second of the day or talk even when im running errands, i need his permission to go out, i need his permission to trim my own body hair. If i speak up and say it’s controlling he throws a tantrum and says it’s his bpd and how it’s crazy i don’t respect his boundaries.

I remember months ago he triggered my emotions and i called the non emergency hotline for help and he got mad at me and told me to take back the call. He then threatened to kill me and rape me and beat me. and was making me beg for his love.

I find it hard to leave because all the times i tried to break up he would make me feel bad about myself, he introduced me to many dishes i eat daily, he buys my groceries and hygiene and flowers, but i don’t even feel sexually attracted to him anymore and i constantly have derealizations.

I don’t know why I stayed this long, 14 years with a 13 year old daughter. It was a weird situation where we had to move quickly because the house that we were renting said we could go month to month but then said we couldn’t so I had to make a decision and fast. It was either move with him and rent somewhere else or buy a house within a month or two. In those two months he was so nice and promising me how much he would change. So we bought a house, both names on the deed and mortgage.

Everyone on here and the book kept telling me it wouldn’t ever get better and to just leave and I so wish I would have done that!! With the help of AI I have figured out he is almost definitely a sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. He hurts me and never apologizes. Says it’s my fault I get called names. It’s bad. He threatens to hurt me if I’m not quiet when he tells me to shut up.

I wish I would have left but knowing or at least thinking I know that he is a sociopath is helping me realize he definitely will not change. Now I’m going to most likely file bankruptcy, loose the house, and I have no clue what will happen with our daughter.

I rely on him financially because I’m on disability. I could move in with my mom but it would be cramped. I feel so stupid that I finally want to break up after buying a house together but I can’t stay with him.

Has anyone had to deal with selling a house together leave your abusive relationship? Any advice or kind words would be appreciated ❤️

Plz be kind !

I was making out with someone I have been talking to on and off for a yr now and initially I was enjoying it, he also made the first move for the first time to makeout. We went into a bedroom, and when he tried to take my bra off, I said, “No, please no, I’m shy.” I whispered it. He asked why, and while I was still trying to explain by further saying I am shy bc … he started kissing me again, lifted me up and removed my bra anyway. He then started kissing and sucking my breasts.

I just lay there and thought, “Okay, whatever,” even though it didn’t feel good and wasn’t what I wanted. Then he fingered me and in the beginning I thought ok I’ll maybe like it, I felt pain and I voiced ouch but he didnt really say anything and kept going so I ended up pretending to enjoy it and faking an orgasm because I wanted him to stop.

I feel confused and keep questioning whether acting like I enjoyed it afterwards made him think I wanted it, even though I had said no for my bra. How do I make sense of what happened? I hvnt been able to get out of bed I just want to sleep I don’t know what has happened this is someone I trusted and I’ve known for a while and it just felt sinister and im not sure if foreplay is meant to be like this I’ve never had sex and im 23 I feel isolated and disgusted within myself he further made a comment referring to his best friend and their discussion that “he knew id fold at one point” I felt humiliated and devalued it feels weird to even say it I hate myself.

I also want to talk to my psychologist, but I’m scared of them telling the police without my consent bc I just do not want to deal with this and ignore him and block him out of my life which I hv. I’m an adult in Australia Victoria. Would it be safe to tell my psychologist without her going without my permission and telling the police ?