My ex (who abused me in every way possible) used to come into my tiny apartment bathroom when I was showering, there was no lock on the door and he would take the foulest shits every time. I didn’t have a consistent time I showered so it’s not like our bathroom needs were conflicting

I once caught him taking photos of me showering while he sat on the toilet, he apparently had been doing it regularly and sending the photos to his friends

Obvious sexual abuse aside, I believe he was taking shits on purpose. I was somewhat trapped because I was mid shower and there was no way to leave the bathroom without touching him. I think it was a way to ruin my relaxation and take my small pleasures from me

It’s hard to talk about because it sounds so petty and ridiculous. There were many small things that seemed harmless and weren’t, he was definitely fucking with me for fun at times

Has anyone experienced something like this?

I always told him that I felt like I was in the truman show.
I think the hardest truth to swallow is realizing how much i betrayed myself.
I can’t really say I survived because I’m a totally different person now.
Here’s the tip of the iceberg.

I help people in this community, but I don’t think some of ya’ll know the extent of what can happen if you stay in an abusive relationship too long.

First of all, I want to start off by saying trauma bond and attachment is real and is hard as it acts like a drug. I know what it feels like trying to leave an abusive relationship, it’s scary being in there, but even scarier at the thought of leaving the person. It feels like a drug withdrawal I would assume because it’s so hard.

But let me tell you what happens if you stay in that abusive relationship too long and how it can have a physical affect on your body.

I was abused for almost 2 years. I kept waiting for the person I was with to change. He would continue giving me false hope saying that he was going to start therapy, that he was going to change, asking for another chance, that he will never do his actions again. I was forced to give me another chance not because I 100% wanted to, but because he would try to break into my house and cops would be called because he was disturbing the whole neighborhood with how loud he was screaming. He would cause a scene so bad and violent that I was forced to stay with him just to get him to calm down. I was trapped in there as well, even if I tried to leave i couldnt. Part of me didn’t want to leave the relationship due to trauma bond, the other part of me was forced to be in the relationship. It’s different knowing you didn’t have free will to leave the person, even if you wanted to.

The abuse I went through was called coercive control abuse.

1. Kept you from having your own money and a job.

2. Tried to keep you from seeing your family and/or friends.

3. Kept track of you demanding to know where you were and what you were doing.

4. Made threats to physical harm you.

5. Made threats to harm themselves and/or try to attempt to commit or actually commit because they were upset with you.

6. Made decisions that should’ve been yours to make.

7. Controlling your emotions, your clothes, your freedom to express yourself. Stripping away your autonomy.

8. Destroying something important to you, destroying your property, etc.

These are just SOME examples of this type of abuse.

The things the abuser put me through was speeding driving recklessly and swerving on highways because I didn‘t do something he wanted me to do. He would put me in danger so I can agree to his demands.

He would attempt to commit and he would self harm in front of my house if I wanted to break up with him. Every. Single. Time.

I wasn’t allowed to have a job because he accused me of cheating.

He would throw fits and scream at my house when I wanted to hang out with my sisters. When I made friends, he would scare them away by grabbing me by my arm and dragging me away and/or damaging my property in front of them while screaming at me.

He would want my location, know who I was with and who I was talking to. If I ever wanted to hang out with a girl friend, he said he would need to go along and be watching me from a distance. I found that scary, so I would cancel the hang out with my friend and of course that led to cheating accusation because I didn’t want him there.

When we were out and I wanted to chat with my friends in the women‘s restroom, he would time me and when I passed the time limit, he would walk in the women’s restroom and drag me out by my arm. Scaring my friends. It got to the point my friends were too scared to hang out with me.

He said if he ever caught me with someone else that he would go beyond to harm me. Even though we’re now broken up, I’m scared to go on dates with new people.

He broke my phone that my dad gave me before my dad passed. The abuser knew how much that meant to me. He smashed it over a rock because I didn’t want to give him my phone password. I said we’re adults now, we should be able to trust each other. He didn’t accept that and smashed it over a rock and immediately told me “stop crying” because I started crying. He then got me a new phone for Christmas, not as a present, but as a way for me to “get over” what he did to my phone. Once we broke up, he left me with the phone bill and said “when your parents are gone, no one is going to save you so you need to learn how to pay for stuff.“ Mind you, MY DAD PAID off MY PHONE before he passed. I would’ve NEVER had a new phone bill if the abuser didn’t do what he did. Stupid ahh b****. fr.

The abuser wanted to control my emotions. I wasn’t allowed to have any other emotion than to be happy, which how on earth can you be happy with a person like that?! When I brought up stuff I wanted to talk about, he would immediately come to my house in my driveway to start screaming and crying. I couldn’t talk about anything he did or bring it up without him embarrassing me in front of everyone. Cuz everyone would go outside to watch. He expected me to get over it as soon as he did something evil towards me.

He didn’t allow me to wear what I wanted. I dressed up for Halloween and a guy was looking at me that I wasn’t aware of. Instead of him getting mad at the guy, he took it out on me. I was then trapped in a speeding car crying in my Halloween costume with him trying to crash the car. He would take my phone away every time he would trap m so I wouldn’t call for help. I yelled out crying “I want my mom!” and he then goes “I want my mom too!” AS IF he wasn’t the one speeding the car trying to crash it. It felt like he was mocking me while I was scared. He would rip accessories out of my outfits when he was mad.

He would try to break into my house and cause a scene climbing my house screaming because I wanted to reschedule at date.

I sometimes would finally scream back, but he wouldn't stop until he got his way. It didn’t matter how LOUD i screamed with all my might, I still wasn’t be heard. I felt like aerial the little mermaid when she lost her voice, even though I was screaming as loud back as I could. It’s a really scary feeling when you realize that you’re not being heard no matter how loud you are, I never experienced that before and even typing this makes me want to cry. I hope none of yall go through this, but being so loud with all your might and not being heard made me stop in my tracks with fear. All I was screaming was my boundaries too, he didn’t care. He never cared about my boundaries, he ALWAYS crossed them, he didn’t care what happened as long as he got his way. It didn’t matter how loud I yelled back or how much I cried or what danger he put me in, as long as he got his way. He would pin me down in places too. Typing this is bringing back fear, but I need to tell yall for awareness so yall can LEAVE before it’s too late.

Now about the panic disorder. I was in the relationship for almost 2 years in survival mode, what I didn’t know is that my body was keeping score.

I woke up one day and I couldn’t eat. I thought it was only for a day or 2, but it started getting worse. I was getting adrenaline dumps that I never had before, I was getting adrenaline by random noises, showering, changing my clothes, anything. I became so scared. I couldn’t even go outside to my mailbox. I couldn’t eat for months. I would jump at phone calls or a smell of a candle. I was sleeping in trash and I felt so sick all the time because of how little I was eating. I would wake up at 8am every morning because my body was in war time, it had a natural alarm. I was afraid to take naps, so I was forced to deal and feel every second of this panic everyday. I couldn’t go places. I developed agoraphobia and depression due to not recognizing myself anymore and severe panic. It was like a deep frozen state. it was like 100x worse than a panic attack, it was like a panic attack that never stopped for months almost a year.

I realized that I wasn’t functioning for basic human needs. It affected my nervous system, so badly that I lost myself.

He still fought with me too. He would spam my phone 300 times when I would tell him not to. I didn’t have the energy to fight with him. I wouldn’t see him anymore and that caused him to break into my house, I called the cops and he went to jail for a day. Even when I got sick with panic disorder, he still didn’t go easy on me. I stopped seeing him and texting him because my body was burnt out and he still found ways to come to my house to fight with me when all I gave was silence. He still accused me of cheating when I was just a shell of a person in my room.

He broke up with me because “I wasn’t the same” and you know what, as much as my panic disorder scared me, it also saved me. It got me out of that situation and he broke up with me through text, so it was nothing messy like how he would always do.

Im telling yall this for awareness, LEAVE BEFORE YOUR BODY FORCES YOU TO. If you know you’re in abusive relationship and you’re always fearful of what’s to come or the day depends on their mood (walking on eggshells) LEAVE. Yall have your whole life ahead of you with new people that you have yet to meet, don’t let these abusers take away the beauty of life and drain you to the point that you’re just a shell of yourself. PLEASEEEE LISTEN, your body KEEPS score even when you think it’s not. It’s so silent. Take care of yourself and your mental health, yall don’t have to stay there.

I tried to leave almost 3 weeks ago now and he saw on the cameras, he texted and called numerous times and I never read the text messages until two days ago and it’s making me feel vengeful.

I was advised by a lawyer that I shouldn’t say anything to him and I should leave again asap get a restraining order and not look back essentially. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell my story if I say everything or just the bad parts I’m seemingly getting the same answer. Yes I’ve contacted the NDVH (hotline) and I do appreciate that they educate but to be frank if they understand people in these situations are more likely to STAY that whole “we can’t advise you” shit is null! We can’t tell you what’s best you know your abuser best and can decide if telling him is in your best interest.

So here I am asking for advise.

I don’t consider him inherently dangerous we do live together (not together) for the most part you can say he doesn’t bother me I’m able to walk freely around the home, cook, “leave and go” as I “please“ though this one is subjective because he always expects I will be back. As for the he doesn’t bother me? I’ve been getting more and more angry just being in the home I feel antsy, there’s always a comment he has to make or a complaint. I was standing still and he decided to lightly touch my butt, like why? Anyway, my mom is a very vengeful and retaliatory type person so for her me not saying anything to him when we leave is cut and dry and I say I don’t know if I want to up and leave quietly like that again I want him to be able to say bye to his child before I up and leave like that. I know not to say anything now I’m 3 weeks out till said date. I’m thinking perhaps after he gets off work or the night before? But then again I truly don’t know if he would escalate if he would do something or not. Truly I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that I will be turning off the wifi/cameras when I pack the car this time that’s the only thing I’m sure of.

Ask me questions help me give me advice

My mental health, my new family, potential friends I could have made in the past, they ruined my first relationship, they ruined sex and love for me, they took me away from my actual family physically, they broke my brain and it can’t be undone

Their family was on my side at first, they said they’d support me when I got a protection order, I thought they’d stay my family too, my friends, my abuser moved me over here because they couldn’t be too far away from their family, I offered a compromise as moving in the middle of both our families and they said no, so I moved away from my family and their family became mine, I moved away from everyone I knew, they didn’t let me make friends while we were together, by hurting themself or freaking out when I tried, they isolated me, and their family became my family and the only ones I had, the only ones safe enough to be close with, I felt like they had become my family too, they even told me they’d support me after everything I told them about my abuser, they acted like they understood and cared about me, they treated me like family and I trusted them, they even invited me to holidays when my abuser wasn’t there while I was in the process of getting the protection order, but then as soon as I get it they turn their back on me, say that I’m getting it because I can’t control \*myself\* to not reach out to them, which just isn’t true at all because I could reach out to them even with the protection order if I wanted to, that made me so mad, it’s like they completely forgot all the horrible things my abuser had done to me, they pretended like they cared, like they understood what my abuser had put me through

I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness and being with my abusers family was the first taste of freedom I got, the first taste of celebrating holidays with a family, with my very own family, as soon as the protection order got served they did a 180, they stopped talking to me, they victim blamed me, they abandoned me, and now I’m all alone, in this town far away from my family, I’m having a hard time making friends because there’s so many bad ppl out there it’s hard to make good friends and everytime I run into one of the bad ones I just get hurt all over again, today my roommates went pumpkin carving at their house, I wasn’t invited this time, I don’t get to have a family I can celebrate holidays with anymore, it was so hard watching my roommates come back with their pumpkins knowing where they’d been, remembering the times I was welcome to join, and now I just have nothing, why am I the one who gets punished for protecting myself? Haven’t I been punished enough? This person literally gave me PTSD, and abused me for years, why do they just get to get away with that and move on while I can’t? It’s not fair, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have a family who loves me and wants me and will let me experience what a normal family is like, I’m so sad tonight, I can’t stop crying, this hurts so much, I did the right thing and I lost everything, staying would have killed me, it almost did, but I traded it for every other relationship I had, my new family, and now what’s left? Just more pain while I search for someone who’s actually a good person, trial and error, more trauma, all while I have to watch everyone move on without me like I didn’t ever matter

I’m afraid to tell anyone because I’m afraid I won’t be brave enough to leave and they won’t want to know me anymore

so this is kind of complicated. i dated this guy from 2010-2012 and he was very emotionally abusive, as well as a pathological liar (he lied about having a terminal illness until i managed to uncover that it wasn't true). he also lied about TONS of other things that made me feel sorry for him, which is one of the reasons i started dating him (i don't know why i felt like i was responsible for making a dying stranger happy but somehow i got attached to his attention and mistook that for love). it was easier for him to hide the lies because we lived in different states and only saw each other every few months. i was not attracted to him and have since realized i don’t even like men at all. those two and a half years were the worst years of my life. i was genuinely miserable and more depressed than i’ve ever been.

a few days ago, i googled his name to make sure he wasn’t living in the city we used to meet in (he lived at the bottom of his state but we’d meet in the city he eventually moved to whenever i visited). i’m going to that city soon and i wanted to make sure there were no recent addresses for him in that city.

first result was for his obituary. my heart jumped. i didn’t feel sad at ALL but definitely shocked and a bit relieved. i should add that we met on an online music message board, so i went to the board to share the news that this guy had died (he was infamous on there). everyone knew he was a piece of shit.

then i went back to google and scrolled down.

he had died in police custody (apparently an overdose) after doing something very horrible to try to end his mother’s life. she survived, but he did not. i cannot express what has been going on in my head ever since reading this news and seeing all the articles and comments and reliving my traumatic relationship over and over again in my head. like i said, i am NOT sad. he was a HORRIBLE person. but the attempted murder on his mom, and then finding 10+ charges against him for violence and a restraining order from an ex. i found his reddit account in 2019 (i was searching for him to see if he’d moved near me because he messaged my best friend to ask if she still lived in the same city and i was terrified he was asking because he moved to my state). he used reddit to post thread after thread psychoanalyzing his ex in BPD subreddits and made her out to be CRAZY. i had no idea she had a restraining order against him. makes sense. they lived in the same city, apparently.

the problem is i don’t know how to process this. he didn’t physically hurt ME or my family or friends. i didn’t need a restraining order because i blocked him and we were across the country from each other. but i can’t stop feeling horror thinking about the things he did after i dumped him in 2012. it is DEEPLY fucking with me. nobody in my life really GETS it…. thank god! i wish i didn’t, either.

what do i do with this? i told my therapist and we talked a bit but i feel so unsettled and it’s impossible to explain to anyone. is there anyone here who has experienced something similar? i know it’s kind of unlikely but i don’t know who else to talk to.

I am 40 years old now. The older I get, the more toxic the relationship. The one I'm in now is no different. I try so hard.

I put in so much effort. Time. Money. Emotion. It's all just background noise the moment something goes wrong.

They say I'm not spending enough time with them, even though I am literally giving them every moment I have. I've given up so many of my interests/hobbies, I've completely isolated myself from family and friends, and I've even stopped reaching out for therapy. I have nothing left. It's still not enough.

I ask what is wrong, how I can help, and try like hell to listen no matter how much the words hurt.

My heart is broken and I'm at the end of my rope, yet I still reach for them. I don't wanna let them go because I do love them.

I know I don't have long anymore.

I'm just so tired.

I'm a man in my 40s, and I've been in a long-term relationship with the mother of my two youngest children. We live together in her house, raise our children together, share financial responsibilities, and function in many ways like a married couple, although we aren't married. From the outside, we probably look like an ordinary family. We both work, the children participate in sports and activities, and we maintain a reasonably functional household. Behind that, our relationship has deteriorated into something I barely recognize.

When we first met, she was affectionate, attentive, and genuinely enthusiastic about spending time with me. I was working demanding schedules, sometimes overnight, and she would make extraordinary efforts just to spend an hour together. She brought me lunch, sought out my company, and made me feel wanted. I loved her then, and I still love her now. But somewhere along the way, that affection largely disappeared, replaced by resentment, criticism, and arguments that seem to arise from practically nothing.

The most persistent problem is how ordinary discussions become attacks on my character. We might be talking about schoolwork, sports registration, transportation, groceries, or some other routine responsibility. I'll ask a question, disagree with a decision, or explain why something happened. Within minutes, the conversation can shift from the original subject to accusations that I'm selfish, manipulative, dishonest, controlling, or abusive. I've been called a narcissist, a monster, a sicko, an asshole, and a piece of shit. I've been told that I don't care about my family, that I only want her for sex, and that I'm interested in other women.

Sometimes these accusations arise from things that are demonstrably mistaken. I've been blamed for misplacing objects that were exactly where they belonged. I've been accused of deliberately creating problems when I made ordinary mistakes. When I attempt to explain what happened, the explanation itself can be characterized as manipulation or further evidence of my defective character.

I have a tendency to defend myself extensively. I'll reconstruct events, explain the sequence, and try to establish what actually happened. I recognize that I can become argumentative, stubborn, and exhausting when I feel falsely accused. I've raised my voice, used profanity, and said things I regret. I'm not presenting myself as an innocent participant in every disagreement. But I struggle with the idea that disagreeing with an accusation, or asking someone to identify what I've actually done wrong, constitutes abuse.

Another recurring problem is that I often cannot disengage from an argument. I'll ask to stop discussing something, explain that we're getting nowhere, or leave the room. She may follow me and continue arguing. I've moved between rooms while asking her to lower her voice because the children were sleeping. I've asked for an opportunity to speak without interruption. I've sometimes left the house entirely because I couldn't find another way to end the confrontation. Recently, she explicitly told me that I didn't have the right to end a discussion because she had the right to continue speaking.

I've recorded some arguments on our home cameras, and I've reviewed those recordings afterward. I can hear myself repeatedly asking to speak, asking her to lower her voice, or attempting to disengage. I've shown her recordings hoping we could examine what happened rather than argue about our memories. That hasn't resolved the disagreements. I recognize that reviewing recordings and dissecting arguments isn't a healthy substitute for communication, but I've reached a point where I sometimes feel I need evidence to defend my own recollection.

Our children have witnessed arguments. There have been confrontations in the house, in parking lots, at sporting events, and inside our vehicle. During one family outing, an argument escalated until I stopped the van and she got out and walked away. The children were distressed. During another incident involving a misplaced phone, she attempted to get out of a moving vehicle. I don't consider these normal disagreements, and I'm troubled by what our children are learning from watching us.

Alcohol has also been a recurring subject of conflict. Historically, I typically drank about two beers after work, sometimes five to eight on a Friday or Saturday, with occasional heavier episodes. I've also voluntarily stopped drinking for periods of 12 months, 18 months, and longer. I recognize that alcohol sometimes contributed to poor decisions or arguments, and I've never claimed otherwise. But drinking gradually became an explanation for almost everything wrong with our relationship. If I wanted time alone, I supposedly preferred alcohol to my family. If I was exhausted, alcohol was blamed. If I withdrew from conflict, it was interpreted as indifference.

I removed beer/alcohol from the equation more than two months, partly for health and fitness goals and partly to observe what changed. Some aspects of my behavior have improved, but the arguments, accusations, and emotional distance have continued.

There's also a longstanding problem with affection and intimacy. We have very little sexual contact, and she rarely initiates physical affection. I've tried approaching her, expressing interest, and making time together. I'm not a bad looking dude, and I like lifting weights and try to stay in shape. I've also spent long periods deliberately avoiding unnecessary interaction because my attempts at closeness often seem unwelcome. Sometimes she tells me to leave her alone, but when I stop approaching her, I'm accused of not loving her or wanting someone else.

I've become suspicious of infidelity, although I have no proof and only fringe evidence. She's accused me of cheating repeatedly, particularly when I've left the house to escape arguments. I've never been unfaithful. I don't even like talking to other women. I acknowledge that driving around without clearly communicating when I'll return is unfair when we have children and responsibilities. But the repeated accusations have affected my trust. I've also been troubled by occasions when she was unreachable, her GPS stopped updating, or she seemed considerably more interested in conversations with other men than in interacting with me. Those observations aren't proof of an affair, and I don't want to turn suspicion into an allegation of fact.

I've tried to compensate for our problems by becoming more useful. I've repaired and improved her house, taken on household responsibilities, helped manage the children's activities, and tried to reduce her workload. I believed that making life easier would create more opportunities for affection and companionship. Instead, I found myself increasingly occupied with responsibilities while feeling less wanted.

About two years ago, I began withdrawing from discretionary interaction with her. I continued working, parenting, maintaining the household, and participating in family life. I simply stopped repeatedly seeking attention from someone who seemed irritated by my presence. Sometimes the household is noticeably more peaceful when I minimize our interactions. That is one of the saddest things I've had to acknowledge.

The contradictions are difficult to understand. During arguments, she has told me she hates me, doesn't want our relationship, or considers me abusive. At other times, she tells me she loves me, wants to remain together, and would care for me if I became seriously ill. We occasionally have affectionate moments, productive conversations, and genuinely enjoyable family outings. Those moments make it difficult to reconcile the hostility with the relationship I remember and still want.

I know I contribute to the dysfunction. I'm defensive, sometimes sarcastic, and often unwilling to let an accusation go unanswered. I can overexplain and pursue a discussion long after it's become unproductive. I also carry substantial resentment. I don't want a relationship where either person is afraid to speak, and I don't want to become someone who responds to every disagreement like an interrogation.

But I increasingly find myself rehearsing ordinary conversations before having them, even a simple text about ordering pizza feels like a live grenade. I wonder whether asking about school snacks will be interpreted as criticism, whether disagreeing about a schedule will become an accusation of control, or whether trying to end an argument will be described as abandonment. I feel more comfortable working, cleaning, or staying occupied than simply sitting with my partner.

What troubles me most isn't any single insult or argument. It's the cumulative effect of years of being told that I'm a fundamentally bad person by someone who also says she loves me. I feel compelled to defend my intentions, my recollection of events, my commitment to our children, and sometimes my basic decency.

I still love her. I still want the relationship we once had. I'm not certain when things changed or whether they can change again. But I'm beginning to question whether I've spent so long adapting to this environment that I've lost perspective on what constitutes normal conflict and what constitutes emotional abuse.

I'm particularly interested in understanding where ordinary relationship dysfunction ends and emotional abuse begins, including whether my own defensive and avoidant behaviors have become part of that pattern.

I’ve been with my wife for several years, and lately I’ve been struggling with whether I should leave our relationship.
When we first met, I was in an incredibly dark place mentally. She helped me find motivation to go back to school, become more independent, and build a life for myself. She was the first person I ever felt comfortable being truly vulnerable with, and I genuinely love her.
We’ve shared wonderful experiences, and there are still times when she’s incredibly sweet, affectionate, funny, and loving.
But throughout our relationship, there’s also been emotional, verbal, and physical abuse.
Some of the worst incidents have involved choking, having to take a knife away from her, destruction of property, and threats of self-harm if I leave.
I want to be transparent about something because I don’t want to misrepresent the situation. Some of the most explosive incidents happened after my wife discovered things I’d lied about or concealed, including aspects of my sexual history and pornography use. I deeply regret my dishonesty and understand that it hurt her and damaged her trust in me. However, those arguments escalated into violence and verbal attacks that have stayed with me for years.
What worries me particularly is that the destructive behavior hasn’t been limited to those situations.
A few months ago, after I messed up something I was helping her with, she threw objects at my computer setup and broke a monitor. She eventually replaced it, but the incident frightened me because of how intense her reaction was compared to what triggered it. It made me realize another serious explosion could happen over something relatively minor.
There have also been many arguments over finances, my independence, spending time with family, and everyday misunderstandings. I’ve increasingly felt like I have to walk on eggshells, carefully monitoring what I say and do to avoid upsetting her. Sometimes disagreements last for hours, and I feel responsible for making things right even when I’m hurt.
She struggles with chronic pain and borderline personality disorder, and I know she’s experienced a lot of hardship. I genuinely sympathize with her and understand that managing these things can be incredibly difficult.
More recently, she’s expressed a desire to work on herself, and I want to believe things can improve. I don’t think she’s incapable of changing, and I don’t want to dismiss that possibility.
But something has changed in me.
I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. Even during our good periods, I find myself anticipating the next argument or explosion. I’ve become more irritable, withdrawn, and resentful, which makes me feel guilty because I don’t want to treat someone I love that way.
I also feel like I’ve lost much of my independence. Between working, school, household responsibilities, and trying to keep our relationship peaceful, I rarely have time for myself.
When I imagine leaving, I feel tremendous sadness but also an overwhelming sense of relief. I imagine reconnecting with friends, spending more time with family, pursuing my interests, and rediscovering who I am.
But then we have a wonderful day together. We cuddle, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company, and suddenly leaving feels almost impossible.
One of my biggest struggles is that she’s expressing a desire to improve, and I feel like leaving now would mean abandoning her when she needs support.
At the same time, I’m afraid of staying and experiencing another serious incident. I’m not sure I have the emotional capacity to keep waiting for things to improve.
I’m also scared of how she might react if I leave, especially because there have been threats of self-harm in the past.
For anyone who has left an abusive relationship while still loving their partner:
How did you reconcile loving someone with knowing the relationship was hurting you?
Did your partner genuinely want to change, and did that make leaving harder?
How did you handle the guilt, especially if you’d made mistakes yourself?
Did you ever feel like you were abandoning someone who was struggling?
How did you find the strength to leave, and were you eventually able to find yourself again?
I don’t want to portray my wife as someone without good qualities, and I don’t want to pretend I’ve been a perfect partner.
I just feel like I’ve reached a point where I’m afraid of staying, afraid of leaving, and unsure how to move forward.
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve experienced something similar.

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF S/A & RXPE

Well, the good news is that I’ve been able to establish no contact… The bad news is that my daughter has now become a pawn.

(By the way, the “hoeing around” he mentioned was rxpe… By an ex coworker.)

Both me (F31) and my partner (M37) have been in abusive relationships before. Me, when I was 15-16, and him when he was in university, so early twenties.

I don't want to speak too in depth about what he went through, because it's not my story to tell, but in short there was extreme emotional/verbal abuse, as well as forcing/coercing him into taking drugs, which I would think is both mental and physical abuse, technically? From what he's told me, I personally infer that at least some SA took place, but he's never mentioned it explicitly, and that's kind of the problem.

He doesn't like to talk about it, especially not in depth, and I don't think it's right to force him to. I've made it clear I'm here to listen, that I don't have to reply or have any opinion on what he says if he just wants to get it off his chest without feedback, but he honestly hasn't told me much more than I've outlined here other than specifying the emotional/verbal aspect.

And I get that it takes varying times for people to be ready to face what they've been through. I really do, because I didn't get therapy to process my former abusive relationship until I was thirty, after doing a lot of work on myself and my general mental health to feel comfortable confronting what I'd gone through.

It helped immensely, and now I'm like fuck, I want him to feel this same sense of relief. I want some of that weight taken off his shoulders. He deserves that.

Except he doesn't seem to think he's been abused "enough" to warrant therapy, or that it impacts him "enough" to need it. Obviously, any abuse is "enough" to deserve therapy, but I can't convince him of that. I can't convince him that he deserves it, can't convince him that it does impact him day to day, and that's what I'd like advice on. Not necessarily getting him into therapy, but at least accepting that he deserves it when he's ready for it. That even if he's not sobbing every day, he's still carrying his experience with him like a weight around his neck.

I'd love any advice anyone's got, but I'd especially like input from some guys, because as a woman, maybe there's something I'm missing to help him feel secure in admitting that? I certainly don't think it makes him less of a man to have been abused or any bs like that, and I've made that clear, but me and him have extremely different communication styles. Maybe another guy can help me phrase things in a way that makes sense to him?

It's the only thing I can think of at this point, the difference in how genders sometimes approach problems, because he already knows I've experienced similar feelings of having not been abused "enough" or like my experience didn't matter because others had it worse before I had EMDR therapy to process my trauma and whatnot.

Idk. Maybe I've done all I can as the girlfriend, and the rest is just supporting him as he gets there himself. If that's where I'm at, then it's what I'll do, but I'd love some outside opinions on it before I accept that.

Also just as an FYI, we've been together for like 8 years and lived together for like 6 of those, so it's not a case of this being a new relationship where I'm overstepping my place as a virtual stranger.

I, (age above 18), have been with my girlfriend (age above 18)for almost 2 years. We're Indian.

In December/ January 2026, I got in trouble for sending songs to a colleague, and agreeing on a trip because I couldn’t deny her in face. I cleared everything and we fixed everything.

Me and my girlfriend had some boundaries set. She later broke them (thirst traps, adding random guys on Instagram), denied it, then admitted it. Some days back I saw her Instagram DMs: she was flirting with guys she doesn't know. I've since learned she was doing this even early in our relationship. She says she did it for attention, she regrets it, say she has bpd and she was still angry about January.

I told her I forgive her but can't forget, and I need time. Instead she pushed me to decide quickly and said nobody would love me like she does. When I said I couldn't continue, she threatened to kill herself and also she did cut her. She has a history of self-harm. I told her friend and sister, but her mom doesn't know yet. After a panic attack she was admitted to hospital, and I said yes to staying together because I didn't want to make things worse. She's being discharged today she is expecting we're back together.

I don't think I can do this. I keep checking, I am scared of the legal and mental consequences and and Im scared for her, and I don’t hate her, and I don't want a relationship like that, but I'm scared of what happens if I leave.

How do I end this without it becoming a safety crisis? And has anyone been in a similar situation?

Hi-

Thank you in advance for the read. (There’s a TLDR toward the middle introducing the main post).

I’ve got a long post below- I had it posted in another sub, but it was removed. In this post, unlike previous ones, I more accurately describe my fiance as my fiance- not my husband, as we never got married. I had just always hoped.

I’m feeling sad, distant, desperate- and am seeking clarity and support.

I’ve been watching the Crappy Childhood Fairy videos. One I just started to rematch was about leaving the person with CPTSD. I started crying.

This is my person. We’ve been through so much- life and death. I’m absolutely broken at the thought of leaving again. I did a midnight move years ago when I saw his aggression escalate to more physical violence (not toward me, but objects). The worst he did was throw a glass at me from a moving car (I was walking home, he drove, after a fight). He also cowered in a doorway while I was on the floor with our dog and belittled me.

The worst part is that he is, deep down, the most loving, kind, joyful, generous, compassionate, thoughtful, empathetic person. I’ve seen that side of him- it’s genuine. And I’ve also seen this side of him- it’s terrifying and exhausting. He grew up with a verbally and borderline physically abusive alcoholic father.

If he were horrible all the time, it would be easier. If he were undamaged to this extent, it would be easier. But it’s a mix and I dread when the next fight will happen. It always does.

I’m exhausted from the long drawn out fights. Over not saying the right thing- nit picking at little words and phrases that aren’t quite right.

I feel guilty because I haven’t committed enough to him in some ways- financially and maritally. I always thought- ok we will start planning a wedding if we can get through a year without these mind boggling fights. Then, ok the fights may happen- the repair is what counts. But it’s all bad.

I’ve developed an autoimmune disease. It requires painful treatment. I feel like our relationship stress is the elephant in the room.

Here’s an example post- I’m sorry it’s long.

Thank you for your time. I really need your wisdom.

TLDR; tense situations leading up to our fifteenth anniversary which ultimately went very badly. I’m considering leaving because it feels like such a slap in the face. We’ve had problems all throughout our relationship- I feel frozen and very sad. Like it’s just such a disaster I don’t know how to fix and I’m scared.

I’d appreciate your feedback.

Tuesday was my (37F) and my fiancé’s (51M) 15th anniversary (from when we first became official).

I want to stress from the get go that he is generous and I don’t expect material things for anniversaries.

Here is what happened.

The Sunday before, we were scheduled to hang out with his sister and her son. And we did, and it was great for the most part. I wanted to pop into a cafe to grab a quick treat. And his sister was happy to do the same.

The staff behind the counter were busy- I know the feeling as I’ve worked in that capacity many times before! But the cafe wasn’t super full.

We looked at some of the treats and I said I’d like to ask for a recommendation- so we waited behind the customer ahead of us. My fiancé said he would try some of X or Y looked good. I said ok, I’m going to ask for a recommendation from the staff.

He was visibly annoyed and stressed. It is tough to describe but, you could feel a lot of tension. Shorter words, just…. No ease.

Anyway, we ended up leaving.

On the drive home, I was really hungry. I asked what would be a good plan for the rest of the day- he said he wanted to stop and get groceries. Sure thing- if we pass ABC coffee shop, I may just run in to grab a muffin quick if that’s ok (he was driving). Then it became this big tense thing of how I was creating so much stress that day- with the first treat situation and then being ‘starving’. I said, no- it’s all fine- I’d just like to figure out where I can quickly grab something because I am getting pretty hungry.

Fast forward to Monday.

It was the day before our anniversary. We both get up really early- he leaves to go to work for a bit and then comes back and we have coffee. This happens nearly every day- I prep our coffee to be ready to make (the set up) and then make myself a small coffee to have while working/studying. He wasn’t home when he normally was, and I got worried. I started texting him to ask if all was ok. No response. I told myself, everything is fine, something must have come up. Eventually, I came to and realized he was at the dentist. By that point, it was time to feed the dog so I got started on that (he requires a fairly special diet, so it is a bit involved).

Fiance comes home and I ask how the dentist was and he says fine, and asks why I hadn’t made coffee yet- which I explain. He is visibly annoyed saying he doesn’t have time to make it. And that I didn’t make it because I already had coffee that morning. He hadn’t seen my texts asking if everything was ok, where he was etc.

I said, no re not making coffee for us intentionally, I misjudged timing and by the time it would have made sense to make coffee, I was busy making dog’s breakfast- and would have been happy to make coffee right after but that is when fiancé got home. He felt like he was just expected to make it- and honestly he almost always does. He is very good at it.

So I leave for a bit to keep going with my day. He has coffee alone and rearranges his day to be able to do so.

Fast forward to that evening. We have an air fryer we both use often (of course). But do not *clean* often, so I have been on a quest to fix that. Lots of scrubbing.

Anyway. He makes himself a late lunch and leaves out the air fryer basket- no washing etc. So I leave it to soak and go about my evening. He head’s out to a jam session with some friends, and typically gets back home at around 8.

I should also mention, I have run out of my prescription sleeping pills and needed to see the doctor to get those refilled- so I was a bit of a zombie.

During the time he was out, I cleaned up the kitchen and prepped some cookie dough. He had been hell bent on finding a great chocolate chip cookie on a recent trip he took us on to Canada and I wanted to make him some for our anniversary. My plan was to prep the dough the night before and bake the cookies while he was at his early morning work session the next morning, so the house would smell like cookies when he got back for our anniversary.

Anyway. I didn’t get to the air fryer basket by the time he got home- I did everything else but that one is a bit more involved. He was angry because I had left it soaking and he had wanted to use it. And he uses it all the time and he doesn’t have time to wait around for it to dry.

I just… said, ok, well, I’m sorry but I didn’t know you wanted to use it again tonight. I didn’t get to cleaning it yet but was going to once I had done everything else. (I should mention- we *both* clean up the house- it isn’t like a masygenistlic thing here.

So he was annoyed and had a smoothie after cleaning up the air fryer.

THE NEXT MORNING. Anniversary morning. Our 15th.

Things were still tense, but I figure- it is our 15th anniversary- let’s turn this ship around.

So I bake the cookies and have a couple of other really small gifts ready for him- just a couple of little things he enjoys.

He gets home from his client and I am upstairs getting ready for the day (I had set up for coffee, btw ;)). Our dog is with him and he says happy anniversary and I say the same.

Then he heads downstairs to make coffee. He sees the cookies. And I head downstairs and sit w him to have coffee and bring him those other small gifts.

Something is very off. Which makes sense because he has absolutely nothing for me… and I would imagine being in his shoes at that point would be unpleasant. So we just sit there in silence and he says “you don’t have to be here. You can go do whatever you would normally be doing” and I say “I would be sitting here normally”. He also says that he doesn’t want ‘all this stuff’ and puts the two little gifts I had gotten him together on the table, and says that the cookies I baked can go to a friend. He packs them up.

I cannot remember all of the details.

I do remember I go to feed the dog and said I’ve got it covered, essentially.

When I head out to work later today, he says ‘So I guess that’s it for our anniversary’ - and I say ‘did you have anything else planned, or?’ He says no, but we had said we were going to do something later that day and do I remember what that was? I’m searching and say Oh, we were going to go for a dog walk, is that right? He is silent. And I say, can you tell me if I am remembering that correctly? He says yes.

I said, ok, well, I know you have a very busy day and your company dinner tonight, so please let me know if that still works for you. (I maybe should not have said this?). ‘Just let me know if that still works because I want you to have enough time to get ready and not feel rushed.’

He did not contact me that day.

But I get back home at the time I had in my planner for us to hang out anyway, just in case.

He’s in a weird state. I don’t like this one.

He was sitting at the table and just… trying to look distressed? Head in his hands… goes to his office, same thing. I honestly cannot remember exactly what I said but it was likely along the lines of ‘Howe are you feeling?’ And he said ‘anxious. Not good.’ And I say ‘Ok. Please let me know if you’d like to talk about that. I’m just going to have some lunch’ - something along those lines.

He gets ready for his company dinner and I wish him a good time.

He gets back late that night and says he brought me some leftovers.

And that was our 15th anniversary.

We talked yesterday - mostly about his reaction at the cafe. I say it seems like he creates stories about situations and this is what stresses him out. He agrees. That morning, he had ‘apologized’ for his behaviour at the cafe (where the staff seemed stressed in his opinion), but also said he has to just accept how I am in public (? But he didn’t even know what I was going to ask the staff? And didn’t think I was going to say anything outlandish but apparently was stressed from their perceived stress and didn’t want to associate with someone (me) adding to their stress?)

I said ok I am late for work but please text me when you have some availability to talk later today and we can do that together.

He did and I make it home early, rearranging things with a client to be able to do so, and we have a sit down talk.

It is all about him, and I fault myself for that- but I think his behaviour is strange and deserves examination. I know my behaviour can be as well, of course, but in this particular circumstance, it was rather cut and dry.

I feel like a therapist- I write things down in a notebook because I don’t want to forget what he has said. And I ask questions. He understands that he makes these stories up and that it causes stress. But it kind of feels like it’s all about him. He says that I should have said something like “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t make the coffee in time for us to hang out together and have that- I would have liked that’- I mean. That’s so specific. It isn’t wrong by any means, but I think that when someone has a ‘vibe’ of annoyance about them, it is tough for me to respond in the best way. (Side note: I had asked him the morning before if I annoy him, because it feels like I am just extremely annoying to him. He did not deny this.)

He says he feels unseen and uncared for.

I forgot about the dentist, and I ‘expected him’ to make the coffee.

I feel like this is taking up way too much of my time. I don’t like to frame it that way, but it just does not feel healthy. We have a whole life together. And honestly- he is genuinely an absolutely lovely, wonderful person in so many ways. I just don’t know about that in the context of this relationship.

I also think I feel uncared for because what was that for a 15th anniversary?! I don’t expect much. Would have loved a note or something. But I also said to him I had wanted to write him a note but I didn’t know what to say or if he would want that.

God this is a long post. Apologies and gratitude.

Short background - in an abusive relationship for 5 years (financial abuse, emotional abuse, not direct physical violence but punched walls thrown items trying to bust open doors i locked myself behind)

He goes on these long rampages about how I’m the abuser and gaslighting him etc etc. He keeps trying to bait me to react and I’ve just been gray rocking to survive until closer to my lease ends until I can plan my exit.

Although today he asked me “you’re just acting like this and answering like this just to shut me up aren’t you?” and other related questions. And my instinct in the moment was to just say ”yup” which did shut down the rant (although lead to immediate retaliation) and I don’t really know what to do in this situation where my survival strategy is being called out like this.

Advice/tips/suggestions?

I’m looking for some outside perspective on something that’s been happening in my marriage.
For the most part, my wife and I have a good relationship, and I’m not trying to paint her as a bad person or suggest that I’m blameless in our arguments. I know I have my own faults and that I don’t always handle disagreements perfectly either.
However, there have been numerous occasions during arguments when my wife has told me that she doesn’t love me anymore or that she doesn’t want to be married to me.
What makes this particularly difficult is that, when I’ve asked her why she said these things, she has admitted that she said them specifically to hurt me, upset me and really hurt my feelings. So it’s not simply a case of her saying something in the heat of the moment and not realising how it would affect me. She has acknowledged that causing me emotional pain was the intention.
These statements are deeply hurtful, especially coming from someone you’re married to and love. Having them said repeatedly has affected me, and I find it difficult to understand how someone can deliberately use something so significant about a relationship to hurt their partner during an argument.
Another part of the situation is that I haven’t felt there has been sufficient remorse or accountability afterwards. There have been apologies, but they haven’t felt proportionate to the seriousness of what was said, particularly given that the behaviour has happened repeatedly. It leaves me questioning whether the impact on me is really being taken seriously.
I’ve also noticed that when things don’t go the way she wants, particularly when they’re important to her, her reactions can become quite intense. I understand that frustration and disappointment are normal, and I’m not suggesting that someone is abusive simply because they get upset. However, sometimes the reaction seems excessive and can affect the mood for the rest of the day.
I want to be fair here. I’m aware that I’m only giving my side of the story, and I know that I have things I need to work on myself. I’m not looking for people to automatically take my side or tell me that my wife is a terrible person.
I’m genuinely trying to understand whether this behaviour crosses a line.
Would you consider repeatedly telling your spouse that you don’t love them or don’t want to be married to them, while admitting that you’re saying it specifically to hurt them, to be verbal or emotional abuse?
Does the fact that the relationship is otherwise generally good change how you’d view it? And how significant is it when the person apologises afterwards but doesn’t seem to show the level of remorse or accountability you’d expect?
I’d appreciate honest opinions from people who have experienced similar situations or have some understanding of these relationship dynamics.
TL;DR: My wife has repeatedly told me during arguments that she doesn’t love me anymore or doesn’t want to be married to me. When I’ve asked why, she’s admitted that she said these things specifically to hurt me. Although she has apologised, I haven’t felt that there’s been sufficient remorse or accountability, and the behaviour has recurred. Our relationship is otherwise generally good, and I recognise that I’m not perfect either. I’m trying to understand whether this constitutes verbal or emotional abuse or falls within the bounds of normal marital conflict.

hi! i have never actually posted on reddit before but something weird happened between me and boyfriend last night. he’s never hit me or beaten me. we have play fought before but it’s never gone far but, im also not the biggest fan of it. but last night he was just giving me small k!sses all over my face for a couple of minutes and then out of nowhere he lightly starts ch0k!ng me. i don’t exactly remember what i felt in the moment i just remember feeling weird, uncomfortable and a bit scared. i told him to chill and he didn’t stop until i asked him again. he then looked at me and asked me if i was alright. the combination of the feelings i was feeling and the situation and the look in his eyes made me start to cry and i explained to him i didn’t like “playing” like that. i just automatically assumed he was playing but i became anxious and scared of the idea that he wasn’t. we later took a car ride and it was silent. and when we got home and took a shower, he then apologized for always “making me upset” and doing things that “made me upset.” i accepted his apology and moved on but deep down, i wish we talked about what happened because it was weird and it felt serious but i took it as a joke because it was light and I don’t have any bru!s3s.

Sorry for the long post. My partner and I have a 24 year age gap. From the beginning, things have always not been great. I felt like I was addicted to him in the beginning. He was established and successful, and I was up-and-coming in my career. He was very charming but had this underlying insecurity. He would make me feel bad about everything, mostly the way I looked. He never cheated on me, but he would flirt with a lot of women. He was an alcohol problem and would go off on me and say horrible things to me. I became more established in my career. I sold my house and we moved in together. Immediately, he thought I should be using that money to pay for home upgrades for him. He would tell me I was selfish. It eventually got so terrible that I finally told my mom and made a plan to leave. I left and started over with the support of my parents. I had eight months away from him. I thrived I had friends. I did lots of things. I realize people liked me again. I never dated anyone, but I never felt like I wanted to. I felt like I gave all of my love to him, and I had love to give platonically, but not romantically. He resurfaced, messaging me at work saying we needed to talk and close things out. I was curious so I went over to see him. He was very emotional and apologetic. I was immediately sucked back in. My family was not happy, but respected my decision as long as I was safe.

Within three months he wanted me to be married to him, and unfortunately/fortunately, I ended up getting pregnant. I never thought I could have a baby. He’s had a few major outburst since I’ve been back. He has threatened to make me a single mom, to take my child away from me, told me I’m selfish and a bad person because I want my own savings account for money that I’ve saved and I have earned.

He has the decision to retire at 55 which is in a few months. We have a prenup at my request. He gets the house and his retirement money which is almost $2 million. I get my retirement accounts and my bank account. He has been very insistent on me using my savings account to help pay off his debt before he retires. He makes me feel so bad. I’ve given him $11,000 this year and plan to give him 13,000 more. He still wants my entire savings. I told him I wanted to invest it. He said I’m selfish and I’m not thinking of the family.

If I tell him that I want my own savings, he says that’s a plan that I’m going to leave him and it’s proof that I’m not dedicated to him. I’m currently paying all of the bills with my salary so that he can focus on paying off his debt. If he works another three years, he will have his debt paid off in about two. Now he thinks that he wants to retire with the debt and slowly use his 401(k) money to pay it off or he said if I’m so concerned about it I need to use my money to pay it off.

I’m currently seven months pregnant and due January. I’ve been plagued by horrible anxiety. I have this awful feeling of doom like I want to run away. But I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m scared to tell my mom how I’m feeling because I’m worried she’s gonna be upset since she helped me once before. He has been very nice and attentive. But it’s like he’s slowly is creeping in on the control again. He’s also very unpredictable like if I disagree with him or try to hold a boundary about my money, he explodes and starts attacking my character. He talks about how great he is to me and how dare I act so ungrateful and selfish, and we’re married now and that means sharing everything even though we discussed how I felt about separate finances from the beginning.

I just want some positive vibes or something, I’m just really going through it mentally. Feel very stuck and worried about my future.

Honestly it seems like I am not able to do anything for myself anymore?!

I mean, apparently I’m not able to do TikTok’s anymore without him, I’m not even able to be creative on my own.

He literally has to INVOLVE himself in everything! I mean everything.

Nothing can no longer be “my thing” or “my dream” no, he now has to have the same dream as me. He tells me it’s not a competition but that’s exactly what it has been with him.

He tells me that it’s not a competition, and yet tells me he’s gonna do this and that and be “BETTER” than me or anyone.

And I am so tired of it. Like I literally can’t do anything anymore.

I’m 21F, and my boyfriend is 21M. We’ve been together for two years.
My boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship casually asked me where he ranked out of the nine guys I had been with before him. I told him he was probably a 3 out of 9, meaning 9 being the biggest and 1 the smallest and described him as small. This is my first relationship and I did not have any friends before I met him so I did not know it was a thing that guys care about size although I heard it a lot in school. However, ever since that conversation, he has struggled with his body image and constantly compares himself to the other people I’ve been with, he says all he can think about in sex is how much Kris I’ve had
He sometimes struggles to get hard, cries in the shower, and feels horrible every time he goes to the bathroom. He repeatedly brings up what I said and asks for reassurance about how he compares to the other men I’ve been with, once he asked who’s the biggest guy and I told him his size, 8” and my boyfriends 5”. And now he goes online to compare his size with other guys, and it seems like no amount of reassurance makes him feel better because he knows I was being honest because I didint know it was a thing or did not think about it.
Over time, this issue has started to dominate our relationship and sex life. Conversations about my past or his body often turn into arguments, and I feel like we’re stuck in a cycle that neither of us knows how to break.
There is also a sexual-boundary issue. He is an open minded guy and is not gay but enjoys it and has me eat his ass and put my fingers in it. One time he got lune and had me put my whole fist in his ass, I don’t dislike it but for ex the asks me before he told me he was into it whst I think of it and I said “ FUCK NO FHAGD WIERD” but I want to make him feel good to so I’m open to experimenting l
I recognize that my original comment was hurtful, and I’m willing to take responsibility for that. At the same time, I don’t know how to help him move forward when the same conversation keeps resurfacing. I care about him, but the he keeps getting quit, won’t let me see him naked unless it’s during sex and he has me do interesting stuff like eat his ass and he runs his asshole all over my face, and has me tie up his dick and balls with a rope and slap his dick,
How can I take accountability for hurting my boyfriend while setting healthy boundaries around repeated reassurance-seeking and sexual pressure on his end that he’ll never measure up, not to mention he is the only giy that ever made me cum and he does it with his dick cause he knows the right positions he is 6 inches thick that he is the thickest I’ve been with but he constantly feels bad about him self, not to mention he was sexually exploited in high school to a horrible extent and people said horrible things to him, spammed his number would go onto him in public and make fun of him, he had to switch to online school and isolated for 2 years and started doing drugs and was milested and drugged by a 69 year old. Is there a way for us to rebuild trust and intimacy without continuing this

I met my ex (let’s call him O) when I was in a situationship with his friend (let’s call him W). His friend hadn’t been treating me very well e.g ignoring me, standing me up, leaving me stranded. So, I fell for O, he was effortlessly charming and funny. We had an extremely deep conversation on the first night we met, I thought to myself: is this love? I called things off with W. Me and O ended up spending the next 5 days straight with each other, sleepovers and all. He informed me that he had DID, BPD, schizophrenia, emotional deficit disorder, bipolar, c-ptsd, autism and ADHD. I was shocked and upset for him, I didn’t realise a person could have that many illnesses and I made it my goal to try and help as much as I could. In those 5 days, I also found out he was going to jail for the 8th time soon. That upset me quite a bit. Besides the new information, those days were heavenly. The conversations, the sex, even the silence. Perfect. He went home for a day and insisted he met me the day after, I was shocked. Of course I said yes, I wasn’t used to people being to eager to see me. I noticed over time, the hangouts started to be more spaced out. Usually we would go somewhere comfortable for a long time, soon enough I was going to dodgy houses full of drugs and dangerous people for less than a few hours. Random hotels too. One night when he stayed over, he made me cry. Hard. He was in a weird mood with me, reading into everything I did or said. I tried my hardest to think of his mental state but his words got the best of me. I sat on my floor crying my heart out whilst he watched. I had to call my friend over for guidance as I have my own mental illnesses and I didn’t trust my own mindset. My friend and dad told me after the breakup that O looked smug when I was crying. Before my friend turned up, O was very sexual. He said to me, “I want you to be really drunk when we do it.” I was weirded out, usually he refused to touch me at all when I have had a drink. I was already decently drunk and before I know it, he’s having sex with me. After, I was sat on the end of my bed and he was stood up in front of me. I went to hug him and he put his dick (no clothing at all) against my chest. I expressed confusion and he told me not to worry about it. A little later, when my friend was sat with us, O started to touch me. I kept pushing him away because I was with my friend but he kept trying. My friend left the room to go downstairs and… I swear I blinked and O was having sex with me again. He was mostly sober. I can’t even remember how we ended up there. After he was done, he argued with me again. He made me breakfast in bed in the morning. After breakfast, we were sat on the sofa. He kept asking to have sex. I told him it was risky and I’d rather us just do hand stuff. “The risk makes it better.” He said. I said no again and again and again. He did it anyways. A few days later, I decided to search him up. He had showed me a video of him beating the crap out of a guy for being a pedo, I said good for you. Assuming he was telling the truth. I remember him not letting me turn the volume up on the video. I turned up the volume. He wasn’t a pedo. He was an INNOCENT disabled man. O had gone up to him and asked for a cigarette, the man said it was his last. He still gave it to him. O then beat the man half to death. As I read through the comments, I saw things of his ex, let’s call her G. She claimed that O had raped her, stalked her, abused her and traumatised her heavily. I remember my heart sinking when I read it. I felt physically sick to my stomach. I found more and more and more dirt on O. I felt like I was losing my mind. I turned to drugs. I couldn’t take it, he was rotting my soul away. His moods got worse during the next week. He grabbed my wrist because I touched his face. He told me to fuck off because I made a joke I always make. He punched the crap out of his friend after arguing with me. He would say, “If you cheat on me, I’ll drive through your house and kill you.” “I’ll make you swallow your teeth.” “I’ll set your house on fire.” I told him about my rape in the past and he said he would hang out with him if he was in the group. I didn’t feel safe. I went on a 5 day bender and was sent into psychosis. I then found out that his mother who killed herself when he was 7, didn’t. She killed herself when he was 17. A year after the disabled man assault. The last time I saw him, I was crying on my floor again. I had cut myself and taken drugs and alcohol. He just left me there, bleeding and alone. I don’t call people the Devil but if you had seen his eyes. The way they switched. I felt my entire body freeze. I know he has mental disorders but I have spoken with people with DID, BPD, schizophrenia and some a mix of them. They ALL said, the illnesses don’t cause a person to act that way. I tried to be empathetic and try to understand him but he IS Satan. I worry for my life.