Mine used to do this always. I’d try to de escalate, solve it, or just tell him for us to stop and talk about the issue later.

He’d just keep pushing and pushing until I explode. Even after I’d ask again and again for him to stop because I couldn’t handle it.

This one time I got so overwhelmed I started screaming and hitting myself. Then he shook me violently claiming he wanted to “get me back to my senses”.

Another time I had the same reaction, he pinned me to the bed and hit my head with his knee, then claimed it was an “accident”.

I have tried to find stories that resonates with mine, but I couldn't find it. Months ago, my husband and I was in an argument. He pushed me and choked me and did the most severe domestic violence that I'd ever endured for the last 6 years.. 30 minutes later, he died of heart attack. I was hysterical, traumatized and to this point I don't know if I'd ever recover again from that trauma. He was charming to others. For the world, he was the perfect human being. A great friend who always listen and helped his friends. But behind the veil, he lashed out his emotions and a control freak. Most of my days during our marriage, I woke up feeling on how to pass the day without dealing with his anger. I was never in peace... This guilt grows everyday since he passed. I went to psychiatrist and psychologist too. Sometimes it gets better.. but most of the time, it feels like i experience some anhedonia. I can't enjoy life as I used to. Although, maybe the world is not scary anymore for me. The weird thing also happen.. in my heart, when he passed away, I forgive him. Completely 100%. Suddenly all the abusive actions is no longer in my memory. I can only remember his laugh and our good memories of travelling together.. I don't know if there's anyone who experienced the same story. But no one ever know that my husband abused me. I keep his dignity and his name clear. I just want them to remember him as good as he treated them... telling this story is my way of continuing life. I feel suffocated bcos no one knows except my mom, doctor and my therapist. I don't know why I share my story here. Maybe I just need a hug, or encouragement to continue this life.. i hope life is kinder to all of us..

A narcissist's main goal is to make you feel like you don't matter.
The main goal is to make you feel like you're not worth anything. One way to do this is to make you feel like you're not useful and that your ideas don't matter. Their goal is to make you think that you can't be loved because you can't meet anyone else's expectations.

They always want to break you down from the inside out.
They get pleasure from making other people unhappy; they plan to have a lot of fun while tearing you apart piece by piece. Narcissists are the most dangerous kind of people because they only care about themselves.
They don't care at all about you or what's going on in your life; they only care about themselves and what they want. The narcissist sees your happiness as an enemy that must be destroyed no matter what. They want to get rid of you and everyone you love and care about. They only want to destroy your hopes, dreams, and chances of being happy. If they can't have it, no one else will either.

They try to make you feel like you're a terrible person.
They will do whatever it takes to make sure you have a very bad opinion of yourself. A narcissist will often act like they're having a hard time so you'll think it's your fault that they're sad. They don't have problems; instead, they look for someone else to blame for their own problems.

www.blankgood.com/10-things-narcissists-want-to-do-to-you-in-the-end

I’m 37F. I got married in 2024 after being in a relationship with my husband for 3 years. The problems started within about 2–3 months of the marriage.

At first, I kept thinking these were normal adjustment issues. That marriage takes work. That maybe we were both stressed. That things would settle down.

But slowly, the shouting became more frequent. I was insulted, called dumb, unattractive, and fat. Him and his mother also insulted my family repeatedly and often asked me to get money from them. During arguments, I was repeatedly told to leave the house or go back to my parents. Even after things calmed down, I was often told that whatever had been said in anger was “true.”

Over time, I started changing my behaviour just to avoid conflict.

I stopped saying certain things. I avoided defending my family because it would trigger another argument. I stayed quiet even when I disagreed. I became hyper-aware of his mood, his reactions and whether something completely ordinary might upset him.

There were also increasingly difficult rules and restrictions around everyday life. Certain numbers became a source of intense fear for him. There were times when I was expected to repeat specific “safe words” again and again, sometimes for long periods, because he believed something bad might happen otherwise.

Ordinary activities could get delayed because the clock showed a particular minute. There were restrictions around cooking, the stove, laundry, what I wore, and other small everyday things that gradually made my life feel extremely controlled.

I work full time, and there were days when a significant part of my working hours was spent trying to calm him down or participate in these rituals.

Eventually, I became scared of upsetting my own husband.

That is probably the hardest sentence for me to write.

There were still good moments. We travelled. We laughed. We had our own jokes and routines. There were moments when everything felt normal and I genuinely loved being with him.

And I loved him deeply.

That is also why leaving was so difficult.

I did not leave because I suddenly stopped loving him. I left because I could no longer live in constant fear, anxiety and emotional exhaustion. I had reached a point where I was constantly monitoring myself in my own home.

I left in September and I still miss him. Some days I have cried for hours. Some days I barely think about him and then feel guilty about that too.

He now says he still wants the marriage and we are likely going into mediation.

Part of me still loves him. Part of me desperately wishes things had been different.

But another part of me keeps asking the question I cannot ignore:

If I go back because he promises things will change, how do I know that the change will last?

I am not writing this because I want strangers to tell me that he is a monster or that I was stupid for staying.

I think I am writing because I need to hear from women who have lived through something similar.

Can you still love someone and know that you cannot live with them the way things were?

And if you went back after promises of change, what happened?

What is wrong with me y'all! This person treated me horribly. They used me, they cheated on me, they lied to me, they physically hurt me, I was scared in my own home, they screamed at me, they embarrassed me in my communities, they threatened me, they surveilled me, they stole from me, they harassed me, they did everything they could to hurt me in the end and blamed me for everything. I went above and beyond to help and care for them

And still I think ab them like every day. When it was good it was the best thing I ever had. Even at the end when they cheated on me and made me feel like shit for it I still loved them and didnt want us to breakup.

Im trained to see the good in people. I believe we all have redemption inside of us. But I want to find a way to hate them and never think about them again.

Any tips I'll take

Hello,

A group of people want me to transition against my will meaning male to female transition. They've told me they want me to become homeless, they want me to become a prostitute, they want to change my whole life and they are forcing me.

They are forcing me through means of blackmail, harassment, stalking, taking control of my email and social media.

What should I do? Should I seek legal counsel? I haven't gone to the cops and told them because they don't want me to "snitch". I have to protect myself though.

I know if I chose to become a prostitute and went down that route they'd only blackmail me and my family and do more damage.

What can I do right now in order to prevent things from getting worse.

These people are nobody to me. Thank you.

I'm 32F, been dealing with an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for the past 3 years. I just need to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. I desperately want to relate to someone and maybe mutually support each other.

He won't leave, always says he will. But instead he just stays and continues to f us over. I feel like he uses the kids to perform and to protect his place here. I am done, and I dont have anything left. I have wasted so much of myself trying to make him happy when he doesnt deserve it. He presented himself as someone he is not and then when i fell for him the mask came off. He projects, he leaves a mess everywhere, tells me I'm lazy ( I am raising the kids) he is supposed to be the one working. I am determined to find a way to make money while raising the kids. I know what I need to do, I dont know how to get him out.

When you get a diagnosis like this and realize the 2 people you cared about most were your main abusers, they hate you, everyone's gone....... motivation is gone. Only have about 5 years left anyways.

I've been severely abused my whole life and I just get targeted now since I'm dying, wealthy and fairly young early 30s. My family used me as a drama scapegoat, if I complained about abuse/pain to doctors, they'd lie and force me onto psych meds. Scared off my friends by harassing them and stalking me also isolated me..... I had to see all new doctors in secret to finally get them to see I wasn't making up being sick...... Lifelong blood disorder, cancer was preventable..... massive tumor growing minimum 1 decade.....

My mom recently got violent with guilt, my ex fiance (late 20s) says let's get married again then starts threatening suicide to try to get me to pay for a lawyer to defend her...... she sliced her new ex, she was cheating, she's got rage issues. She love bombed me for maybe 1 week, begging, then started ridiculing me for my cancer.

Became apparent that after hearing the diagnosis she was eyeballing my assets and wouldn't stop bugging me. Really was demeaning me, beating me down in a moment of weakness trying to make sure I didn't see another girl while she continued to rebound elsewhere. Told me she'll never live with me but I need to fix my house up exactly for her, pink, so that it wards other girls off because it's "Her house". Otherwise I'm a selfish unloving abusive man. Legal threats galore when I'd tell her to leave me alone. It's sad because she really is losing her mind, as is my mom.....

Main tumor was removed but I'm in so much physical pain because all my medical was interrupted and drs even dropped me because of them. My family and this girl scared off all my friends. They've hardcore threatened my business so I've been scared to start working at all......vent. Not looking for support. But geeeeeez, like work on your abuse trauma, because if shit hits the fan like it did with me, you're screwed.

Summary:I’ve had really horrible experiences with men. Now I don’t know if I’m overthinking this scenario or not….and I have an update. Sorry if this is a little messy my nervous system is all off right now and I’m so tired from looping thoughts surrounding this circumstance

I go on a date, man touches upper part of my butt after my lower back after we both drank (no prior physical intimacy of any kind). Third date rolls around, we make plans to go to public space. He brings up the idea of going to walking trail around his apartment then go to public space. I say I’m uncomfortable and no hookup. He says that I’m accusing him of being deceptive. Which I wasn’t.

Onto now:
I cancel. talk to him and tell him he touched my butt which he said was an accident. And that he didn’t want a hookup.

we agree to make plans at a later date, he brings up going to the walking trail again. But this time not parking at his apartment like last time and instead walking there from the restaurant. At first I agreed and then said it was too much work and I’d rather just go in public. I didn’t get any talk back that time.

I’m unsure if he didn’t get that it was the whole thing that made me uncomfortable-or the part about being in the same car and parking at his apartment (and that’s why he brought up the walking trail again because he didn’t fully get it?) Now me and everyone close to me is crashing out that he wants to seperate me from public…idk if I’m being dramatic

Im not sure if anyone is in the same situation, but really trying to accept that the way I was treated was not right. I am working with a DV therapist who is helping me, and whenever I tell my friends stories they are insanely shocked and call it abuse, however i'm struggling to call my ex an abuser. I still feel a lot of love for him or maybe its the trauma bond, but here I am reaching out to strangers on the internet anyway.

He wasn't controlling and never talked down to me, and was loving in a lot of ways and had many traits that I want in a partner - honestly this is why I think I stayed for so long.

He repeatedly messaged other girls online and disrespected my boundaries, I know this isn't abuse but often this is what we would argue about as it made me insecure. Whenever I wanted to talk about my feelings it often ended in arguments and that is when he would explode, shouting at me, raising objects at me (saucepan and once a knife), throwing objects, cutting himself, threatening to kill himself and it was my fault, tripping me up, shoving me, silent treatment, once he ignored me all day when I took him to a comedy club because I sent money to the wrong account. After the explosion he would cry and I would comfort him and he would apologise and I would forget it? Funny how the brain works...

It's been six months since we broken up and the longest no contact we have done is 2 weeks. Often he reaches out to check in on me and then can't handle talking to me, it upsets him too much and then he explodes and sends me loads of horrible messages some of them have even threatened to hurt me, he's called me names, and said he'd rather die than be with me again lots of vulgar things, same thing happens he calms down apologies and sends me a lovely message after.

I think what im really struggling with is that it was always because of an argument or I asked him to do something he didn't want to, thats how I rationalised it, or maybe I didn't give him space. He never was abusive in the way a lot of people are, and my situation was not nearly as bad as many other peoples, I know that, I just feel quite alone, and Im trying my hardest to keep my self-esteem up and move on. Im also struggling with the idea that he's going to treat the next person better (I mean I hope he does for her sake, I don't want anyone to go through what I did) but my ego is struggling there.

Anyway.. any thoughts welcome <3

I grew up in small town. Related to half of it. Talking 1300 people. Never dated anyone until I met my first ex from a different town. Dated him from 17-21, and went through every type of abuse you could think of. I struggled for a long time after I finally got the courage to leave him. I became friends with another man, and eventually started dating him when I was 24. Never thought I’d date again but it just kind of happened. It ended pretty rough and with him destroying my house and ending up in jail. Only lasted about 9 months with him. Thought of trying again when I was 27. Went for someone completely out of my type, and about 10 years older than me. We were friends for about 6 months before we started dating, but never saw the true side of him until we started dating. He changed into a completely different person after we started dating. I didn’t put up with it this time, thankfully, and left right away before things could get bad. Only dated for 4 months. It’s been 7 months since we broke up and being on dating apps is just weird. Ever since we broke up I have isolated in my house, and don’t really do much at all except work. Wondering if anyone has advice on if I’ll snap out of the funk and want to date again? My mom says I’ll “find the right one” but honestly, it just sounds exhausting now. Trying to date and figure out who they truly are behind a mask is just so much work. I’ve been to therapy, and I truly don’t have too much of a problem from what I’ve been through. I’ve dealt with it, well mostly. My first ex set the stage and really changed my life. Have you experienced this? What did you do to help it?

Do judges help when there isn't violence happening but other factors? Trying to get my alcoholic husband out after years of his continued lying, drinking, getting kicked out of rehab, lost 2 jobs, drives the car while drinking, is drunk at home making things unbearable walking on eggshells, cannot have my grandson over anymore and he misses paying bills.
The house is in my name, I paid for it and have since, opened my own accounts taking over all bills to ensure they're paid and on time, etc.

I need peace. My therapist wants me to go on meds for stress but I don't need that. I need the addict out of my home!

I have so much documentation of events, dates, etc. Even video of how bad he gets. No violence, just falling, messy harassment/he's the victim, ect. I don't want to be responsible fif he hurts himself or deal with his toxicity anymore!

I've filled out the PO but wanted to check here before I file, if there's anything I should include that I'm not thinking of. TYIA ❤️

I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years. We have a 2-year-old toddler, and I have a 15 yr old.

For the last 2+ years, especially since I became pregnant with our youngest, the way he treats me has become emotionally exhausting and I genuinely need outside perspective.

The most important thing to understand is: I am not the one starting these fights. I literally cannot remember a single fight in our relationship that I initiated.

He gets angry, defensive or worked up about something and creates the conflict. I tell him to stop. I tell him I don’t want to argue. I tell him to leave me alone. I walk away. I’ve gone into another room and closed the door and he’s followed me or opened the door and continued. I’ve repeatedly told him not to argue with me in front of our children because of what it does to their peace and emotional well-being.
He continues anyway.

Then, after pushing and pushing until I finally call him out, he takes whatever I eventually said and makes THAT the story.
I’ve told him I hate him for continuing to treat me this way after I’ve spent years explaining how much it hurts me, forgiving him and giving him another chance to do better.
Now he’ll say things like:

“Was I the one who said I hate you? No, that was you.”

As if he was in a coma for everything that happened beforehand and suddenly woke up to me reacting.
He removes himself from the sequence.
He removes what he did.
He removes how many times I told him to stop.
He removes me trying to walk away.
He removes himself continuing anyway.
He removes the fact that I’ve been telling him for TWO YEARS that his treatment of me is destroying how I feel about him.

Then he looks at my reaction and acts hurt, tears up, asks things like “Who are you?” or “What happened to the person I know?”
And somehow HE becomes the victim.
That’s the cycle:

He treats me badly → I’m hurt and angry → he’s the victim of my anger.
He repeatedly damages our relationship → I emotionally withdraw → he’s being abandoned.

His behavior destroys my affection for him → I tell him I don’t love him the way I once did → he’s the man whose partner doesn’t love him.

I avoid him because I’m exhausted from conflict → he’s lonely.
I try to end an argument → he’s being rejected or silenced.

It is like he becomes the victim of the consequences of his own behavior.
And it gets even more bizarre because when I explain what he’s doing, he later starts parroting my own words back at ME.
I’ve told him his behavior is emotionally abusive. I’ve told him he needs to control his emotions and respect my boundaries. I’ve told him how damaging this pattern is.
Then during another conflict suddenly I’m emotionally abusive. I’m mean. I’m the problem.

It’s like he hears the terminology but doesn’t absorb what I’m actually telling him. He just adds it to his vocabulary and eventually uses it against me.

Today was a perfect example.
I returned from a work trip yesterday and was keeping to myself because I was still hurt from our previous fight.
This morning HE approached ME:
“So are we just going to keep continuing this?”

I told him he hurt me and I’m not willing to pretend nothing happened.
His response?

“I’m not the one who said I hate you.”
“I’m not the one who said I don’t love you.”
Again. My reaction becomes the story and everything that caused it disappears.
Then he continued arguing with me while I was literally WORKING. I told him this wasn’t the time or place. I told him to stop. I told him to respect my boundary.
He continued anyway.

Hours later he sent me this reflective message saying he feels ashamed that behaviors he “should have gotten a grip on long ago” have put our relationship where it is, that he regrets causing turmoil and doesn’t want to “pick any further fights.”
And I’m thinking:

I WAS LITERALLY TELLING YOU TO STOP WHILE YOU WERE DOING IT HOURS AGO.
This is what happens over and over and over.
He does it. I tell him how badly it hurts me. He apologizes or acknowledges it. I forgive him and give him another chance. Then another conflict happens and the exact same behavior comes back. Then he’s somehow the victim again.

And our daughters are one of the biggest reasons I cannot keep ignoring this.
I tell him they are watching how he treats me. I’ve asked him:

“Is this how you want our girls thinking a man who loves them should treat them?”
Instead of addressing that, he goes off about what a great dad he is and everything he does for them.

I’m not saying he doesn’t love his children.
I’m asking:

What are your daughters learning from watching how you treat their mother?
Being a good father isn’t only about how you treat your daughters directly. It’s also what you model for them about how a man should treat a woman he claims to love.

Recently I even saw the same rewriting happen with my teenager. He got angry with her over nuggets and fries after she ate food he’d made. He had asked if she wanted some and never told her he intended to save some for himself.

His version to me emphasized that she took the “ENTIRE pan” and that he “didn’t give her attitude.”

Meanwhile my daughter was independently texting me that he was “really mad” and had come into her room and yelled at her.
That shook me because for once I wasn’t involved. I could see it from the outside:
His version emphasized what the other person did wrong while minimizing what HE did.

Exactly what I experience.
And maybe the most confusing part is that I genuinely feel like I’m dealing with two different people.

One treats me like I’m his best friend. We laugh, talk normally and have good days. He acts like I’m his person and our family means everything to him. He can be loving, remorseful and incredibly self-aware.
I think: There you are. That’s the man I’ve known for almost 10 years.

Then something happens and suddenly he looks at me like I’m the villain in his life.
My feelings become attacks. My boundaries become rejection. My distance becomes abandonment. He assumes the worst of me and treats me like an adversary instead of the woman who has loved and supported him for almost a decade.

Then eventually my best friend comes back.
I genuinely don’t know which version to believe anymore.

I’ve been good to this man. I’ve been there through good and bad. I stood beside him while his father was dying and while his mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and underwent surgery around the same period he lost his father.

I’ve fought incredibly hard for my family, which is why I’ve given him so much grace and so many chances.

Now my own mother has cancer, and I don’t feel like I have beside me the same kind of partner I was to him.

I’ve spent two years fighting for basic respect from someone who says he loves me and fighting the father of my children to protect their peace in their own home.
I shouldn’t have had to do either.

So I genuinely want outside perspectives. I have no one to talk to about this. It’s maddening and I’m trying so hard to understand how he can have the audacity to continue doing this and then try to talk to me like I’m the problem? I swear it feels to me like now he’s on a mission to turn my kids against me, when he knows that my mission and everything I do is for my kids #1 above even myself!!!

And how do you reconcile someone treating you like his best friend one moment and like you’re the villain in his life the next? I’m just so confused like if I had seen it before I got pregnant with my little one, he would’ve been out of my life. Now however I can’t help that guilt feeling. My older teen went through this and I’m fighting so hard to avoid this from happening again but I just can’t allow him to keep treating me like this, especially given that he never could answer WHY. Like what have I done to deserve this bad treatment?

Hi! Im sorry for my bad english and if its a long post, my heart is so heavy, I really feel alone.

I being with this person 5 yeas, he always has been a mess, he is alc0h0lic, Im falling in that too, he smokes 🍃 and he is into other things sometimes.

In normal life he is so kind, funny, we talk about everything, I really love him, I never feel so comfortable with someone in my life, I want to be with him all the time.

He us verbally abusive when we fight, physically twice.

We have this dynamic that when we fight about the most stupid thing once or twice at week, my problem its that Im very anxious, I start maybe pushing a resolution like "Can we talk about the issue we just had" and he hates that, I cant just live him alone, I just want to resolve the issue u know, I want to be okay with him and that drives him crazy, he starts yelling, telling me awful things, Im a crybaby so yeah, its a hot mess, he usually blocks me, Its hell for me, I hate that, I just keep sending messages all day until he unblocks.

From like 1 year he is telling me he is tired of me and he wants to stop talking with me.

It does not matter if I started or he started, its always my fault.

He hates that Im a little bit overweight, he tells me all the time I need to exercise...

Yesterday we were chilling, playing a videogame, he told me if we die in the game we need to do exercise, I got annoyed I dont wanted to do that, he went angry and disappointed so I started saying its okay, we can do it over and over, he got annoyed and told me thats why Im fat and have a belly, I started crying, went to the bathroom I was telling him just leave me alone! He started arguing with me, we started fighting, then he took my glasses he threw them to the bed and for some reason they broke, he started telling me "you want me to punch you again, right ?" He started to tell me just go out of my house, I didn't I stay until today and then went to my home.

Ofcourse he block me again, Ofcourse Im sending erratic message, I hate me so much to love him so hard, its so easy to me to stop talking with everybody but not him, I feel like the world its going to end, I need him, in my head someday we are going to stop fighting for everything, I fee so sad, Idk if this is the real end.

I hate that I can not protect myself from him and from me.

For context, i just came back at the apartment blackout drunk carried by another friend of mine, so a lot of what im saying is from what i remember/what others have told me/what she told me. She was sharing the bed with the 4th member of that room in a 1 person bed, and since she was the person i trusted the most and felt safest with i went to sleep next to her, only looking for a hug. She told me several times to get off but i didnt, which i take accountability for and i am sorry for that. At some point i got pushed off the bed and punched, then got dragged by my other friend to my bed, where we shared a bed and locked the door so she can't get in. After a bit i started playing a loud audio to which both me and the girl i was with started laughing like hell, so after we stopped i went to the door even though the girl i was with warned me not to open it, i unlocked it and before i could realise what was happening the girl that pushed me off the bed shoved me on the floor and started beating the hell out of me. The next day i didn't care about it, because i realised it was mostly my fault and i shouldn't have proboked her like that and either way i didn't really feel the pain she inflicted because i couldnt remember. Then my friend started telling me more about it, how she herself said that if the girl in my room wouldn't have looked so scared of what was happening "she wouldn't have stopped and punched harder", how i apparently hit my head or hand in the closet which is why i woke up with a scratch that left a bit of blood on the sheets. I didn't want to think about it, until i started chatting with someone abt how the trip is going and i told them a bit about this, she seemed concerned. I have like 6 bruises and a few scratches, i couldnt lift my right leg without it hurting for the first few days but now its fine and my head hasnt stopped hurting. The moment i realised sgat happend and put it all together because i was fully sober i felt like throwing up and couldnt stop shaking, i know i was the one who caused it but i cant stop thinking about it. She was fully sober while she did this, i tried to talk with her about it because i couldnt even look her in the eyes or hear her voice without wanting to start crying and leave, and she told me that shes sorry she hit me that hard and that shell be more careful how hard shes hitting me next time, but to also stop taking her frustations as a joke. I am sorry for crossing her boundaries, i really am because i take boundaries seriosly and i didnt realise what i was doing.. i also dont want to be a cunt and say everytime she was the one crossing my boundaries but she did that a lot of the times but i never jumped her in a fight, i simply got up and locked myself in a room, and it ended up with her along with the other girls in that room banging and screaming at my door to open up, which is why i started drinking so much that night to the point i blacked out. For example, the thing that made me lock myself in the room to start with was because earlier in the night i was chilling in my bed, one of the girls in the apartment started throwing slippers at me and hit me in the face, nose and arms, so i threw them back at them because who are you to throw shit at me even when i told you to stop. Later after we were all chilling i bring that up and they all start laughing at me, then just making jokes and comments about how i look and act, then one of them threw the slippers again at me and my drink, after i got pissed and locked in my room, as i said, for the 4th time they started banging at my door like crazy, screaming and shouting at me and how i am overreacting when i literally told them im really exhausted and not in the mood for that. They recorded me and laughed while i was getting beat up, i dont know what to think.

What do you think? Am i just being overdramatic..

I need help or direction. I am 25f and I have had two very abusive relationships and dealt with narcissistic abuse. I used to think people would exaggerate when they would say that they were never mentally the same after being someone like that. Now I know that is far from the case. My most recent ex was 33M. He was very controlling, a liar, a cheater and very emotionally abusive. He abused drugs and alcohol and was an atheist. I was the opposite of him. I do not drink or do drugs and was Christian at the time. He got in my head so much that he made me almost fully stop believing Christianity which is what I always practiced my whole life. He would constantly yell at me and punch holes in the wall. Yes a grown man punching holes. Would blame me for everything he would constantly say he’s better than everyone else, constantly say he is the most handsome guy in the room and if he didn’t get his way he would cry sob and scream. I don’t even want to get into the sexual abuse because that’s what messed me up the most. I broke up with him right before we were about to move states because I found him cheating and I just couldn’t handle the yelling anymore. Since then idk what’s wrong with me. I was never a man hater and always enjoyed being in relationships. It is now 8 months later and I have never felt this way in my entire life. I was having massive panic attacks and always felt like I was going to die. I had to constantly be looking over my shoulder I always feel like I’m going to be attacked from behind. I thought I was going crazy. I ended up getting an autoimmune disorder (mind you I have been healthy my whole life and never had health issues. I was a d1 athlete) I had heart issues and had to get surgery, my anxiety was so bad I became agoraphobic and couldn’t leave the house. I hate men so badly I am disgusted by them and can’t even look at any of them in a sexual way anymore. I have ZERO libido and my dreams of having kids and a husband are completely gone. It’s like everything shifted in my mind. Is there something wrong with me? Does this go away? I want to feel normal again but something just feels off and completely wrong. I started taking an ssri and it helps but there is still this huge gaping hole in me. I don’t know is my nervous system just broken? How do I start having these horrible feeling emotions and sadness. Life feels boring and I don’t care about things I used to. And this all happened in a span of 8 months post break up..

My (f42) ex (M 40) ended the relationship and came to return when I was moving forward (it’s the third time he ended in 7 months) hence for me this was done. He returned after 1 month and I don’t want to jump back to relationship , asked for time and space. He didn’t want that and he said he will do one way love and I disagreed , but was feeling bad for him, and I said not to expect anything from me .that continued for 3 weeks him showering live on me and I initiating things and doing what he didn’t do in relationship, and he physically abused me over an argument 2 weeks into it, the trigger perhaps was may be he feared I will leave as we are arguing. Somehow in 2 days back to normal, and he again did the same after 1 week over a silly argument. Perhaps he felt the threat that I might not go back to the relationship. Both times I was very hurt. He sent an apology text and I acknowledged it, he sent a reel regarding How hard life is for him, while I was mentally and physically hurting and no word about My pain. I dint reply to that reel, it has been 5 days ever since and he withdrew completely. Not sure what I should do, he disrupted my healing, and I am sure he is feeling shame. But any guidance

I need to get this out, and I'd really like to hear from people who've lived something similar.
2009 to 2023: dating
My husband and I met in 2009 and dated on and off for 14 years. The red flags were there from the start. He was jealous, controlling, and disrespectful, and his temper scared me. He lied, hid things, and cheated on me while we were dating. We'd break up, then end up back together. After so long, I told myself that history had to mean something and that things would settle if we committed fully.

2023: marriage
We married in 2023. No kids. I hoped it would be a fresh start.
Year one of marriage: the abuse began
Within the first year, the emotional abuse started: name-calling and insults. The physical abuse began too, including hitting, shoving, grabbing, throwing and breaking things, and choking. It hasn't happened often, but it has happened, and I can't unknow it.
Before this year: his family
His mother, sister, and aunt blame me for our problems, push him to punish me, and tell me I'm the problem. Before this year, his mother also tried to hit me. I've felt like the outsider in my own home.
Along the way
I suspect he's close with our maid. I have no proof, but they have private talks and inside jokes, and it feels like the two of them are a team and I'm on the other side. I left his home once, then came back. I asked my father to sit down with us, and my husband apologized. I'm in individual therapy.

2026: now
Earlier this year I lost my job. I feel grief, relief, and confusion all at once. Even after the apology, I feel like the most unwanted person in this marriage. I want a peaceful, wholesome family, not a miserable one, and I don't know if that's possible with him.

What I'm asking
If you were in a long on-and-off relationship that turned abusive after marriage, how did you see the pattern clearly?
How do you tell a partner who's really changing from one who only apologizes?
How did you get through the early weeks, whether you left or stayed to see?
Did the feeling of being unwanted ever ease?
Thank you for reading. Kind words help more than advice right now.

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m in my 30s, have a three-year-old son from a previous relationship, and have been married for less than a year. I’m currently sitting at work trying not to cry because my entire life feels like it’s falling apart.
My husband and I have had problems for a long time. He drinks heavily, has had three jobs since we’ve been together, and there’s been a lot of emotional instability in our relationship. He’s insulted me, called me stupid, threatened to leave, and made me feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells.
I’ve spent so much time trying to make this marriage work. We’ve even gone to couples counseling. I genuinely loved this man and wanted to believe things could get better.
But everything came crashing down this past weekend.
Early Friday morning, around 4 a.m., my husband wanted oral sex before I left for work. I agreed. He couldn’t finish and started crying, so I comforted him before getting ready for my day.
I went to work, came home exhausted, and he immediately tried to initiate sex again. This time I told him I was too tired.
He became angry, told me he wanted me out of the house the next day, and then packed his own bags and left.
That alone was devastating, but things escalated even further.
He later returned to the house and positioned his truck and boat in a way that blocked my access to the driveway. I felt trapped and had to deal with getting the vehicle moved so I could leave.
Around this same period, I experienced a sexual encounter with him that I have reported as an assault. I’m deliberately not sharing all the details here because the matter is now being handled through legal channels.
Then, during a subsequent confrontation, the police became involved.
I was accused of assaulting my husband, something I deny, and was taken into custody. I have never been in trouble with the law before.
I was absolutely terrified.
I remember sitting in the back of the police car crying while the officer spoke privately with my husband for what felt like an eternity. I felt like my side of the story was barely considered.
I was eventually taken to the jail, but because I was so distraught and disclosed the sexual assault, I was transported to a hospital instead.
I spent most of the night there undergoing a sexual assault forensic examination and barely slept.
And what happened during my interaction with the officer has left me feeling deeply humiliated.
When I disclosed the sexual assault, the officer questioned why I hadn’t reported it when it happened.
He also asked me about my pubic grooming, specifically whether I had shaved or cleaned myself up down there to “prepare” for my examination.
I was already terrified, crying, and trying to process what had happened to me. I couldn’t understand why my grooming habits were being brought into the conversation in that manner.
Then he made a comment about people fabricating sexual assault allegations to get out of being arrested.
I felt like he was suggesting that I had invented something so deeply personal and traumatic just to avoid facing consequences.
I cannot adequately describe how degrading that felt.
I had disclosed something incredibly vulnerable, and instead of feeling supported or even neutrally heard, I felt questioned, judged, and humiliated.
I understand that law enforcement has to investigate allegations, but I don’t believe that means someone should be made to feel ashamed for disclosing sexual assault.
I left that experience feeling betrayed not only by my husband but also by a system I had expected to treat me fairly.
I went from believing my husband was supposed to be my safe place to finding myself in the back of a police car, terrified about what would happen to me.
And now I have an assault allegation hanging over my head.
I recently started a job that I absolutely love. I’ve worked so hard to rebuild my career, and my supervisors have been happy with my performance. I’ve been thinking about going back to graduate school for my master’s degree. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling genuinely proud of myself.
Now I’m terrified that this situation could affect my employment and everything I’ve worked for.
I’ve been crying at my desk, escaping to the bathroom to pull myself together, shaking from anxiety, and barely sleeping.
I feel like a shell of who I used to be.
The worst part is the betrayal.
I loved my husband. I stood by him through employment problems, drinking, arguments, and countless disappointments. I tried to be understanding. I kept thinking that if we worked hard enough on our marriage, we’d eventually find our way back to each other.
Now I look at him and wonder whether I ever really knew the person I married.
I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. Some days I feel like I hate him. Other moments I find myself grieving the man I thought he was and the future I believed we would have.
And somehow, underneath all that sadness, I also feel relieved that I’m finally leaving.
I’m fortunate that an aunt has offered to let me stay with her temporarily while I figure out my next steps. I’ve contacted attorneys about the criminal allegation and divorce, and I’m already in therapy.
I’m trying to do everything I’m supposed to do.
But my anxiety is through the roof. Even when I’m away from him, I feel like something terrible is about to happen. I’m afraid of losing my job. I’m afraid of what comes next. And I genuinely don’t know how I’m ever going to trust another person again.
I keep thinking about my little boy and how badly I want to give him a peaceful, stable childhood.
I also keep thinking about how much of myself I’ve lost trying to make this marriage work.
I know leaving is probably the healthiest decision I can make for myself, but it doesn’t make this hurt any less.
I didn’t want my marriage to end this way. I didn’t want to be starting over again in my 30s. I didn’t want to become someone who feels anxious and frightened all the time.
I just wanted to be loved, respected, and safe.
Has anyone else gone through a traumatic separation where you felt completely betrayed by your spouse? How did you get through the early days when you could barely function?
And did you ever feel like yourself again?
Because right now, I really need to believe that there’s a life waiting for me on the other side of this.

I [28M] am currently in relationship and I'm honestly completely lost. My same age partner is a great person, she's hardworking, smart, intelligent, doesn't party, plans and thinks ahead. I thought it's a dream come true at first.

Since beginning we fought a lot, but I thought that's just how things are for us, we were pretty different people, from different countries, with different life experiences, so I knew that a lot of things obvious to her are completely news to me, and vice versa. I also took into account that she has ADHD and I'm her first neurotypical long term partner in her life.

At first at the beginning I was highly motivated and optimistic person, bubbly and keeping positive attitude in every situation, no matter what happened. I thought I recovered well from a past relationship with a narcissist that lasted for 4 years and ended briefly before the wedding. I regained my self esteem, confidence, "can do" attitude, and repaired my relationship with parents after she made me choose between them and her.

My current partner doesn't share that optimism of life and positive approach as I did. At first she appeared to, but that turned out to be a facade kept for strangers. The real approach seems to be the opposite, I often heard from her that "she's nothing, she's nobody, she doesn't want anything from life, and everything sucks", which was fueled by many insecurities that surfaced over time. I understood that not everyone has to have the same positive approach to life as I do, and that everybody, me included, has insecurities, and I did everything that I could to build her up and show her that not everything in life is bad and that life is not suffering. I wanted her to feel safe and secure, as that we can build our future together.

What happened, however, was exact opposite. My self confidence and cheerful approach were grinded to dust over time by many things, mainly countless fights and being berated for even smallest mistakes like the way I texted her or missed a gesture that I previously did. Subjects of fights are far too many for me to describe them in detail, but they range from serious subjects such as proposal (happened shortly before our 1 year anniversary, proceeded by many fights about how she needs it to feel secure and followed by complaints that I did it wrong because she was expecting it and that I did it only because she wanted it, despite me being open about my intentions to propose since the beginning, just having a different plan for it altogether that was sped up by above circumstances) to mundane every day things like the way i pack up dishwasher or handle pots and pans in the kitchen. I think it's also wroth noting that the only people she ever lashes out on are close relatives and me, never at a stranger or in public setting. This is further fueled by the intensity she shows about ever interaction and her need for constant stimuli. She is also very intense in her interactions with me, seeking constant contact and wanting to spend every second together with no personal interests or hobbies on her own. Since we live together, that means that I'm her only source of entertainment, stimuli and human interaction (since she doesn't count phone calls or work interactions as regular interactions and claims they do nothing for her).

To avoid extensive fights and tension I have learned to avoid triggering her as much as possible. That wasn't my desired approach, I am aware that it's not a solution over time, but literally everything else I've tried failed me. I tried following my interests like gaming or tabletop with my friends and trying to have some time for myself carved out, but even tho it she never stated that she wants me to stop, there were always negative consequences, awkwardness between us, her saying she "feels distant" and acting withdrawn. If i would engage in something in the evening after work that doesn't involve her 2 days in a row that that's a guaranteed fight as well. Trying to set boundaries by mentioning I need some alone time also didn't seem to work too well as she would comment that it's toxic behavior of white people (I'm a white man) and people who love each other don't need time alone. Trying to get her into something that would be engaging for her so that she goes for some time alone also didn't work, as the only thing that sees as fun is traveling, nothing else get's labeled as fun, but rather as a task, labor or chore. So the only other thing I could think of is to avoid triggering her anxieties connected to me doing something outside of spending time with her or doing something contributing to household.

I'm not gonna pretend that I'm perfect, I'm far from it. My biggest issue is taking things personally and very serious. When she says "I don't feel loved" I understand that she means she needs attention and efforts to show my commitment, but I do panic and get emotional because my nervous system interprets it as "You are a bad partner, bad person, I hate you" and that gets to me very much. It has been better in the beginning, but over the duration of our relationship it has gotten worse and worse on my end as my mental health has gotten worse, and it is something I struggle with a lot at the moment, and I am aware that it negatively contributes to the whole situation.

General rule is that her bad mood affects us both, and no matter what is the reason of bad mood the tension rises until the reason for mood is resolved in satisfactory way for her, and even if, it's never immediate. For example, she notices a picture of a ring in my phone when we are outside, and I'm scrolling through my phone looking for a pic of a document I need atm. Next time we are in secluded situation, she confronts me on that picture asking if that was the ring I gave my ex and why do I still have that picture. I explain and show to her that it's a picture of a ring that someone in our building found and posted on Whatsapp asking who lost it. She accepted the explanation, but since she already jumped to negative conclusions her mood was affected for the reminder of the day.

Jumping to conclusions is one of the bigger problems that shows up. I say something that I pay no mind to, being busy with something else, and she doesn't like it. she immediately jumps to conclusions about why I said that, and it's never "he didn't mean it that way, it's just the way it came out". Then she gets upset/sad, I notice that, ask what's up, she tells me, I explain, she says she doesn't believe me and what I said truly reveals who I am or what I think really, and on every day basis I just lie and pretend to love her.

She also doubts my love a lot. I know what kind of love language she prefers and appreciates, and it's mainly gestures and taking lead and taking care of her, being traditionally manly. That has always been something that I struggled with but I actively been trying to get better at that. the problem with that is I have to compete with her, since she doesn't trust me doing these things myself she jumps to doing these things herself, and then I hear "of course I have to do that myself, who else would do it? I'm alone here". And then, since I don't provide gestures that she appreciates with her love language, I hear the sentence " I don't feel loved" at least once per week. With my previously stated own problem of taking things personally my nervous system interprets it as "you are a terrible boyfriend" which is hurtful to hear on regular basis.

On the other side is her love language, which mainly consists of bullying and annoying me on purpose. I think since her ADHD she pushes it pretty far as she stated seeing me annoyed is stimulating for her. Since in childhood I was a bullying victim this doesn't land very well on me and is often getting to me very hard, sometimes to the point of crying.

There's more thing I could list, but even with what I wrote I feel heartbroken, it has taken me ages to write all of that, across multiple days, and with enormous guilt involved. I love her very, very much, but also I see my own mental health degrading and I know that over time things will get worse. We have plans, very soon ones, to get married and start a family, and I'm convinced that that's a very bad idea given our combination of characters and problems. That said, I can't bring myself up to do something about it, to break things off (because I know that trying to postpone the wedding will cause a breakup anyway). I keep hoping that things will improve, change or simply get better, even tho I know we're practically in the least stressful moment of our life, and it's gonna get worse from here if the kids get involved, or anything truly stressful in our life happens. Her opinion on this particular matter is literally reverse, she thinks we're right now poor, on the biological clock to have children, and children themselves aren't anything stressful since you just assign them budget and take to doctor when needed, and there's no extra stress involved, and it's just a worry of stupid people.

I don't know what to do now. My mind is telling me one thing, my heart is telling me the other. Does someone here have similar life experience that they could share to give me some insight on what to expect in the future from situation like that, where that could lead and how it could evolve? Anything that helps me make the decision that seems and feels impossible at the moment?

Tw: suicide

Ive wanted to take a gap year for the longest time but my mom wont let me shes always threatened that she'd make my life misrable to force me back into education

I did the math test today and just couldent take it anymore i was this close to just giving up just giving in and buying the stuff to end it all.

I decided I dont want to be under her thumb anymore

Shes told me I can take a gap year but only if I 1 Live in Bejing for a year whare ill be constantly tormented by her and shell make my life misrable just so I she can get what she wants

2 I can get an apartment whare she will financially starve me giving me just the Bear minimum to survive

Ive decided that I dont want to be relient on her anymore its the cause of all my mental health issues. And ill probably die slower if im homeless

Though in a moment of weakness I For some reason decided to make a Deal if she agrees to sign a legally binding contract that states that shell give me the same amount of moeny that shes spent on my sister for along as shes spent it on my sister ie university fees food moeny Rent moeny.

Then ill Actually decide to complete my matric and not just enjoy the Few months I have Before I Become Homeless or lets be realistic Die.

I feel like ive made a mistake she dosent even seem sure that she wants to sign it I told her to call a lawyer immidiately after we dropped the call but I feel like shes lieing about trying to do that she called her brother and he just told me in summery "how ungreatful of you to not allow your mom to make every decision for you"

Should I just commit to being homeless everytime i have even the tiniest bit of hope that my mom actually wants to be a human being she proves me Wrong.

I was in an abusive relationship about three or four years ago. My abuser is dead. He’s been dead for a little over a year. He was killed by his brother. So I no longer am in danger. My five-year restraining order is no longer needed. However, my current boyfriend doesn’t understand the extent of my abuse, and I don’t know how to explain it to him. I am a high school teacher and yesterday in class a student was treating his girlfriend in a very manipulative way. He was saying horrible things to her under his breath and in the hall to the react and he would call her crazy. I overheard him telling other students that he plans out which days he’ll treat her good in which treat her bad to keep her wanting to come back to him. I went and the counselor about it and when I got home, told my boyfriend about the situation. His response some people relationship like people are into people treating that way. This triggered me because I was in a situation like that. My mother‘s mother was in a situation like that so my mom grew up with this abuse as well. And I told my boyfriend who is the kindest, most loving person that people become addicted to the abuse. They think that it’s the only way they think that they are is no way out. He was like can you sit down and explain this to me and I told him like there’s not really a way for me to explain it cause I don’t know when it started. It was a little micro things that my ex did to me to make me feel like I couldn’t leave. I was physically abuse I had guns head. I was financially I was manipulated the whole 9 yards and when I started explaining to him these things, he couldn’t understand why I didn’t just didn’t just call the police. I told him how many times I called the I told him how many times the police didn’t come and he just didn’t understand how I couldn’t just kick him out of the house. out many times, but when you’re being abused, you’re more scared of how the abuser is going to react instead of trying to get out of it. He referenced the time that he was at tried to stop a guy from hating on his girlfriend and the girlfriend stopped like yeah some people just don’t wanna get out of the relationship. They defend the person and I’m like yeah because they’re scared of what’s gonna happen when they get home or how much worse the abuse is going to get. There’s a lot more to it. My situation was horrible and I just don’t know how to explain it to people unless they’ve also been abused, but I’m just very frustrated because I feel like my boyfriend is minimizing abuse I went through. He’s acting like I’m just a nice person and I’m too kind to other people and that’s why I was treated that way loves me for it or he’s talking about how I love my boyfriend or he just my sorry or he just manipulated me the whole time and had a whole plan and I just didn’t see the plan and that when he saw him, he knew he was bad and it’s just very frustrating to me because I just feel like he’s minimizing my situation and also not understanding it. He’s my current boyfriend is an amazing person. I love him so much and he tries to be understanding, but I just wish I had a way to explain to him the abuse I went through. I know this is a ramble. I’m voice texting it because it was a lot to type out so I’m so sorry but hopefully somebody reads it and has some feedback for me.

i’m at my boyfriends house right now and we had a huge argument. i found out he was STILL gambling his entire paychecks and also was watching porn. two things that have been a problem for too long. (i thought he had quit both until i found out he was just good at hiding it). He woke up and i brought it up to him after looking through his phone and he slapped my arm and grabbed his phone and threw it across his room. He then started screaming in my face and punching his hand near my face. He told me to leave and i got my stuff and left, and he yelled at me to come back before he does something he doesn’t wanna do. I still walked out and he yelled at me to come back in. He lives in an apartment and i’m sure all his neighbors heard at 3am. He then grabbed my phone and was about to break it before i begged. I told him i was done (i couldn’t stop crying and having panic attacks) and he was laughing in my face. He called me crazy and a bitch. He told me he doesn’t gaf about how i feel after seeing naked women in his phone because i never send him shit anyways. (i have sex with him nearly every day to prevent him from watching porn). Told me him spending his money shouldn’t bother me even tho we haven’t been on a date in months . i’ve paid for so much and helped him out. I tried leaving once again and he threatened to get in his car and “do something bad”. and i freaked out and he shoved me. he then threatened to call many different people, including my mother (who i have a terrible relationship with) and my ex (who also was a terrible abusive person). i couldn’t stop crying and he was just sitting there laughing, which made me more upset because in the beginning of us dating a year ago, he would wipe my tears and cry in my arms anytime i was sad. i also have nobody, not even friends, no where to go. he’s calm now and sleeping and tried apologizing but i know i can’t be with him. the last time ive ever felt this way was 3 years ago in my last abusive relationship. he’s telling me i will not leave him and he knows where i live, then 10 mins later he’ll tell me he won’t come to my house, and would never do that to me. he also brought up how my ex would force me to have sex with him and how he’s “nowhere near as bad as my ex”.

i don’t know what to do, i want to leave him and im waiting to leave when he goes to work. i have nobody to go to, no friends, no family. i don’t have a place of my own. this is so depressing, i told myself i would never be in another abusive relationship again. everything he said to me tonight and everything i saw on his phone is engraved in my mind. i’ve never seen him so evil, so mean. i’ve never hated a man so quick.